#i do like how fuji wrote their relationship however

[akirayuri]

Himeno and himeaki: a rant

I've noticed a lot of people don't really like Himeno and one of the reasons being her apparent romantic attraction to Aki ( and also other than the fact that she almost slept with Denji ) and lmao I do get the hate to some degree but sometimes it feels lowkey forced. And that's why the relationship she shares with Aki kinda gets misinterpreted or it get's watered down to a 'oh he is hot I want to fuck him'

So I just kinda wanna yap my interpretation of their relationship cuz it's not just a typical one sided hetero relationship, it has a lot of layers to it.

For one, I do think what Himeno feels for Aki is more of a personification of her idea of being remembered and mourned. Until Aki came Himeno had a number of partners and subordinates simply dying on her, and it's a very prominent part of her character; watching the people she worked with die. As Kishibe says, Public safety devil hunters have to have a few screws loose and as I say it, you got to have thick skin. The idea of having a 'few screws loose ' including lacking empathy over time which means you don't mourn the death of your comrades.

But Himeno is normal. A country mouse sticking to the city mouse ( Aki ) for his company when she would rather live in the quiet countryside instead. Here there is a lot of parallel between Angel devil and Himeno as they both longed to stay by Aki's side which inevitably brought their doom.

And back to the topic of mourning, I think the idea of being forgotten, so replaceable and discarded into the past had scared Himeno. Deep down she was scared of being consumed by the oblivion that is the apathetic and replaceable management system of public safety. No one would remember her, no one would cry for her. When she probably cried over her drink late at night.

But then Aki happened.

What she loved was his empathy and the ability to feel so profoundly for other people. She wanted that. She carved that. He wore his heart on his sleeves and she was Hungry to take a bite of it. It is selfish, kind of twisted and so uncharacteristically none sexual of Himeno.

She loves Aki but I think it's more of a, "cry me a river and I will gladly hang myself for you" kind. Her tendency to have sex with anything that moves has no effect on her relationship with Aki nor the feelings she feels for him. It's beyond that.

Though I do think her habit of having sex with almost everyone is more of a bad coping mechanism than anything. Just like Aki, she didn't get to process her grief correctly. And unlike Aki, she can't cry.

Here is a bit of parallel she has with Denji of all people with their hypersexuality and the questionable methods of having and viewing sex. Also in that scene when she makes a deal with Denji with the, "you take Makima and I take Aki". For both of them, their person of affection was someone untenable and unreachable, someone who probably didn't return their feelings.

But what Himeno was wrong about Aki not Loving her back.

Yeah maybe he doesn't love her like the way she wanted him to love. He never viewed her as a lover or someone he can have sex with ( I do have a doubt they must've hooked up at some point or Himeno at least tried something very dubious consent with Aki at some point. ). But Aki cared. And He cared deeply. So much so Himeno basically starts to haunt the narrative from this point on lol.

I don't really hate Himeno, far from it. She's so interesting I would love to put her under a microscope and analysis from where that wrecky thought process of her comes from. She's my yaoi girl. What a little freak.

Their relationship is so Yuri coded I don't even count them as a straight ship lmao

But besides anything, my favourite genre of himeaki is bisexual disaster Himeno × gay/asexual Aki queer platonic partners from hell.

[vs-redemption]

From Cindy: This is the first of seven pieces I wrote for a Discord event. It’s not Monday where I am yet, but I cannot wait any longer. I simply must post!

Hawks Week  Day One: Hawks as a Teacher

(Hawks x GN!Reader) 

Day Two Day Three Day Four Day Five Day Six

Keigo Takami had spent most of his life in the air, relying mostly on his wings to get him from point A to point B in most situations. Flying was both faster and cheaper than any other mode of transportation available to him, and allowed him to take direct paths without encountering any traffic. Being so comfortable in the sky though meant he often had two left feet whenever it came to moving around on the ground. Any situation that required him to move gracefully on his own two legs was always a disaster waiting to happen.

“Keep your arms straight, Hawks.” The instructor eyes his posture critically before showing him the proper way to stand. “And try not to step on my feet.”

“Right,” he nods, wiping the light sheen of sweat from his forehead and then trying to mimic the pose once again.

Ever since meeting you, Keigo had been challenged in more ways than he could’ve ever imagined. It seemed like every date you’d suggested was designed to push him out of his comfort zone. He still blushed in embarrassment every time he remembered the way you’d laughed at him for flailing his limbs and wildly flapping his wings to try and remain upright the one time you’d both gone ice skating together. However, the memory of your breathtaking smile that day had warmed his heart and made him vow to always protect your happiness. He could also recall the time you’d begged him to hike Mount Fuji with you for your birthday. He’d whined and complained the whole way when you refused to let him take you in his arms and just fly to the top, but the view from the summit had ended up being incredible and he knew the effort had been worth it in the end.

“You’re meant to lead me,” the instructor laughs a little at his uncoordinated movements, “not the other way around.”

“Sorry,” he smiles sheepishly, wondering if he’d ever be able to get it right.

Being with you, Keigo had learned more than just how to function without his wings. He’d learned how to open up and trust another living person. For too long he’d had to rely on his own wit and strength to make it through each and every day. Understanding that he now had someone to lean on and share his burdens with was something that took quite a bit of getting used to. And more than once you’d had to remind him to include you in the things going on in his life. It took a lot of time and patience from both of you before healthy communication became a part of your daily routine. It felt as natural as breathing to him now, and he wondered how he’d ever kept so much bottled up inside him before.

“All right, now you’re getting it!” the instructor smiles and nods happily as she comments on his progress. “I never doubted you for a second.”

“Now that is just a bold faced lie,” he chuckles while doing a few stretches to end the class. “I definitely owe you a drink or two for putting you through this.”

It came as quite the surprise to Keigo that he was capable of being more than the number two winged hero, Hawks. Over the course of your relationship he’d discovered so much about both life and himself that he wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to repay you for all the invaluable lessons. He was determined to try though, which is why he’d gotten down on one knee and asked you to marry him. He wanted to show you that he could be just as confident on the ground with you in his arms as he was by himself up above the clouds. To do that he had to fix his two left feet so that he could make your first dance together as a married couple as perfect and memorable for you as possible.

[flesymetahiq]

Magic ask for magical characters

God, it’s good that I am subscribed to such great writers who are trying in every possible way to help develop other characters associated with their favorite fandom, live happily <3 Egm, thank you XD

Bad English warning ~w~ I’m really sorry

The questions were constructed by @arcanecadenza, thank you very much again and sorry >w<

1.Magic always comes at a cost… what price does your character have to pay in order to practice it? What kind of trade-offs are involved?

I want to talk about Eleanor, earlier I mentioned that her mother (Akane) came from the Haiko clan, in fact, they were not just cursed magicians who also owned dark magic (of course). The clan leaders concluded in their bodies the energy of that nine-tailed fox-demon which had been killed by their ancestors. And it would seem that this is not a curse at all. But many of them died because their body would simply explode, they could not withstand so much energy, some did not die such a painful death, they turned into monsters, but in their case, it would be better to die at the hands of Haiko magicians.

Haiko Fuji, one of the clan’s leaders, acted quite cunningly, passing with his blood his curse to another group of people (Some of them were Madara and Tsunobi), so his daughter Haiko Akane  got only part of the energy of the nine-tailed.

To use the power of the demon inside you, you must donate your blood. The demon is held at the expense of being marked in the form of red symbols, it is on them that the Haiko magicians make a deep cut, thus giving their blood. After that, many painful transformations take place with their body.

Elinor currently does not use her inherited power, which is called a curse, because she does not even remember about it, nor about her past, which is probably to some extent good for her.Not to say that the marks and symbols on her body do not cause her questions. Of course, Eleanor was very scared to find them on her body after amnesia, but any attempts to connect them with her past and remember ended in loss of consciousness, so she tries to cover them up and not especially go in touch with them.

About the magic associated with the elements.The best, but at the same time the most dangerous source of this power is fire. Wizards specializing in fire magic often gain great strength, but pay for it by dependence on the elements of fire, burns, and sometimes even die in flames, for example.Anyway, magic consumes a lot of energy, which is very difficult to recover, it is also likely to pay for the use of magic. It is also worth mentioning that Elinor, after applying any serious spells, suffers very much later, fainting or migraines

2.“For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.” What kind of magic directly opposes that of your character? As in, what kind of magic would complement theirs so perfectly that it would be difficult for either one of them to get the upper hand on the other?

That will sound a little funny. But for example, the complete opposite of the demonic magic of Elinor is white magic. But since it uses just white magic, its opposite is demonic, it can also be clarified that if she possessed demonic magic, she could never use it with the magic of elements.

3.What kind of magic would effectively neutralize that of your character? 

Magic associated with the penetration of consciousness and its control, so Eleanor can not resist.

4.Is their magic more suited to offence or defence? Or is it more versatile? What is it like when used in a fight?

The magic that Elinor uses now is more suitable for defense than for offence,which cannot be said about its demonic side.

Spells that are/were more commonly used in fight.

Fire(more for offence)

🔥Fire ball. A spell in which fire erupts from the mouth in the form of a massive ball of roaring flame.Also associated with this spell, the creation of a small fiery sphere in the hands

🔥Fire trap. With this spell, the enemy is in a circle of flame, which over time begins to narrow.

Water (more for defence)

🌊 Streaming the water:The spell draws water from a source.  In this case, the magician can manipulate it, for example, create large waves, barriers, shapes, whirlpools and so on.

🌳Earth (more for defence)

Eleanor uses only one spell, by.  which creates strong currents of wind, most likely it will be able to repel the enemy or prevent him from approaching

.🍃Wind (more for defence)

Eleanor uses only one spell, which creates strong currents of wind, most likely it will be able to repel the enemy or prevent him from approaching.

Dark Magic spells

Puppeteer(more for offence)

With this spell, contact with the enemy is necessary, for example, you must touch him, after which Elinor forms the threads connecting her hands with the body of the enemy, and gives her full control over his body, making the enemy his puppet.

Devil eyes (more for offence)

With this spell, under a step one big circle is formed, inside of which there are  smaller circles, each circle is crossed out by a small line, once at the intersection points, raised bayonets rarely grow.The circles begin to spin, new points of intersection begin to appear, and hence new bayonets.

5.What are some interesting subsets and/or sub-practices of their magic? Like, what’s something they can or something that other practitioners of the same kind of magic can do that would surprise someone else?

In addition to the magic associated with the elements and demons, Eleanor is very fond of doing all sorts of wonderful tricks.  The most elementary, for example, she can make a dancers  from an ordinary napkin and arrange a whole ball of napkins ladies and gentlemen at some feast, which will be very effective and beautiful.

6.If they have a magical gateway, does their magic shape it? For example, the pool of water in Asra’s oasis and the fact that he travels to it is by way of bodies of water is likely representative of his affinity for water magic.

There are special mirrors that are a portal to Augusay (the kingdom where Elinor herself was born). These mirrors are in the house of the late aunt Elinor, but she still does not know about their existence.

7.Does magic run in their family? Alternatively, if they are an Apprentice, how does their magic compare to that of their aunt?

Aunt  was a rather advanced sorceress; her magic was completely based on the elements of the elements, especially the element of fire was developed.Unlike her brother, Victor (Elinor's father), she owned magic.  I also mentioned several times that Elinor inherited magical abilities from her mother Akane too.

8.How sustainable is their magic? Where do they fall on a sliding scale of getting tired after one spell versus feeling more and more energized the more they cast?

If you do not talk about the dark magic of Elinor, then it is quite stable.  However, depending on the spell.  If this spell (for example) is associated with the creation of large spheres of fire, then the larger the sphere, the greater the likelihood that Elinor will lose consciousness.  If for example the mass of water that Elinor controls is very large, then she will not be able to hold out for too long.What about dark magic, the longer Elinor casts spells, such as the devil's eye or a puppeteer, there will be a chance that she will lose control over herself, otherwise her body will transform into a nine-tailed Demon, more precisely, a seal on her body  will be destroyed.

9.Where does your character’s magical potential come from? Is it inherent? Is it because of some sort of bargain that they struck with an entity/Major or Minor Arcana? Is it a skill that was taught and honed? Is it a combination of things?

I wrote earlier, so the answer will be short.  The magic of Elinor was inherited from her mother as well as the curse of the nine-tailed, about the Haiku clan I already described in questions regarding apprentice 10.If you had to assign an elemental denotation to their magic, what would it be and why? Fire, earth, air, or water?

Fire.Her entire clan had a predisposition to fire (Uchiha lol)

11.What is their relationship with magic like? Is it something they feel blessed to have or is it more of a burden/curse to them?

Eleanor does not know about her demonic power, so her abilities would be a terrible curse for her.  So she believes that this is a great gift that can make the world a better place, so she is trying her best to develop her magical demand.

12.In what ways could they potentially misuse their magic? If you’re not sure of what I mean, just think of how a skilled waterbender could just as easily bloodbend to accomplish their goals/get what they want.

Many options, especially if you take dark magic, the puppeteer’s spell is very suitable for achieving any goals, because with it you gain control over someone else’s body.

13.What school(s) of magic best encompasses that of your character? Abjuration, conjuration, divination, enchantment, evocation, illusion, necromancy, or transmutation? Yes, this is a Dungeons and Dragons question because I’m a nerd and I’m very curious. 

Oh... I think.. Oh.. conjuration probably. 14.What kind of ethics are associated with your character’s practice of their magic? What kind of in-universe laws do you think might exist that pertain to it?

In my opinion, the most important laws regarding magic are the prohibitions on using any ancient forbidden spells, agreements with creatures from other worlds, and the prohibition on using magic outside Hogwarts (just kidding), that is, I mean the prohibition on using magic for the purpose of killing  innocent people (yes my fantasy is as sucks as my English, sorry)

15.If your character was tasked with teaching someone else about their magic, where would they start? What would the learning curve look like for that?

It is difficult to imagine Elinor as a master of (hehe) magic.  To begin with, she would test her apprentice to make sure that he / she would not abuse his magic and spells, whether he / she would use magic for good.  After that, it will be necessary to explain all the dangerous moments associated with magic, its advantages, the minuses of the story and the consequences of its correct and incorrect use and much, much more.

[eatsomebuttercups]

Y’know as much as I don’t wanna seem like a nerd (Sky!), I do love history.

I love Japan’s history the most, I think. It’s a criminally short chapter at school so i’m gonna write about it here (this is medieval Japan).

Medieval Japan was mostly a Shogunate/warrior society. Japan becoming a warrior society meant wealthy women lost the right to own land and what little freedom they had to marry who they pleased. Poorer women had a greater say in marriage, but could never own land in the first place.

Japan being a warrior society meant the age of shoguns, daimyos, and samurai were upon it. The shogun was the military leader of all Japan-while the emperor was more of a symbolic position, being the shogun meant you more or less had all the power. The shogun would often behead his enemies. (We’ll come back to shoguns later.)

Daimyos were military lords who headed small territories-while the shogun owned all land, the daimyo ruled over a portion of it. The shogun would assemble all the daimyo in Edo-modern day Tokyo-every five or so years to keep an eye on them and make sure they weren’t starting any rebellions.

The relationship between a daimyo and his samurai-or the bond between a lord and his vassal-is feudalism. “Warrior society” Japan could also be known as feudalist Japan, and often is.

Samurai were warriors who followed the Bushido, or way of the warrior. They served the daimyo, their masters, and were skilled in horseback riding and swordsmanship. They were expected to be brave, honorable, courageous, and fearless. Oftentimes, samurai were zen Buddhists, as this form of religion allowed samurai to strengthen their body and mind through meditation and martial arts. Samurai bore leather strapped armor, helmets that would be molded to look much like a beetle’s horns and head, and two swords; one long and the other short. Samurai were expected also to fight until the very last breath, and if they could not win, to commit seppuku, a form of suicide in which the samurai would stab themselves in their gut and have their fiend behead them with their long sword. (I might revisit this later-remember also, that there were female samurai!)

Only about 20% of Japan was/is farmable, so the Japanese turned to the sea for food. The sea was a huge part of life in Japan-it provided protection, food, and isolated them from much of the world. Many Japanese dishes involve fish, crab, shrimp, or other forms of sea life because of their many fishing communities and small amount of farm land. The land that could be farmed was used to feed livestock or for rice and wheat.

Women in Japan often were mothers, farmers, craftsmen, or served as geishas, especially in the Edo Period. While these were the main roles of women, many were also successful poets, warriors, and even leaders. Murasaki Shikibu was a famous female writer in Japan who wrote The Tale of Genji-sound familiar?

The Edo Period was HUGE for Japan. It was an advancement in culture, food, lifestyle, and just-in general, the country evolved. Why? People-middle class people-craftsmen, farmers, etc.-needed things to do! Kabuki theater became huge, though the Tokugawa forbid women to act in Kabuki. Geishas-serving women who dressed in fine silk kimonos and played the samisen or flute for male travelers, often in the floating world, would perform and became more popular. Like I said-Japan evolved!

With industrial revolution, comes the need to read! Now-printing is a big big thing! For China, it was a nightmare. There were over 40,000 characters, so the movable type printing everyone nowadays is so used to is a nightmare. Japan borrowed everything from China-including government, religion, and printing. Japan used woodblock printing, which is exactly how it sounds. It took a lot of skill to carve the block, apply the colour, and let it dry, but the middle class loved it. They bought up printed paintings, woodblocks, everything-because they were affordable and nice.

This is an example of a very detailed woodblock print! This is Under the Wave off Kanagawa (The Great Wave) by Katsushika Hokusai as part of the “Thirty-six views of Mount Fuji” collection!

The Japanese were closed off to the world because of the Tokugawa Shogunate, who cut off connections to the outside world, banned trading with Europe, and banned Kirishitans. However, in the 1880s-1920s, Japan opened up more. Europeans came to Japan and were inspired and delighted. They were dazzled by the women who wore white face paint and the Kabuki theater actors who were talented in what they performed. They were amazed by the art and the paper umbrellas and they brought it back to France, England, everywhere they could-and some Japanese people did. Not. Like. It.

There were multiple Shogunates. The Tokugawa just so happened to cut Japan off and made a huge difference in the economy. Among these different periods with the Kamakura shogunate period. The Kamakura period was started by the Minamoto clan. Shoguns exist because the emperor was afraid of the Minamoto clan seizing power from him and overthrowing the throne. (The Minamoto clan won the Genpei war between them and the Taira clan.)

The Mongols attempted to invade Japan twice. Both times, their boats were flooded due to winds flipping them over. The Japanese believed these winds were caused by kami, spirits, and thus called them “kamikaze” winds. Pilots in world war two that dove down and went on suicide missions were named after the kamikaze winds.

Shinto and Buddhism were the two main religions in Japan, and you didn’t have to choose between them. Shinto was a native Japanese religion that followed animism, the belief all natural things have spirits. They called these spirits “kami”. To worship Shinto, they want to shrines, where a holy gate called a torii stood. Often, people went to these shrines to give money or other Earthly possessions or to pray to the sun goddess, Amaterasu. Shinto involved daily life for the Japanese. Buddhism came from China and Korea after it was spread to them from India itself. The Japanese were fond of Buddhism because of Prince Shotoku, who built monasteries and encouraged Buddhist worship and beliefs. Buddhism involved life after death, or preparing for the life to come.

This is a torii! This happens to be in Kyoto-which used to be the capital. This is in Fushimi Inari Taisha, a district in Kyoto known for its Shinto shrines.

The Yayoi were the first people in Japan. They came to Japan from a land bridge, since Japan was not always disconnected from the main continent of Asia. They introduced farming in rice paddies, metalworking, and pottery to Japan. One of the branches or clans of the Yayoi, the Yamato, believed they were descended from Amaterasu, the sun goddess, and therefore had divine powers, and deserved to be emperor. The first emperor of Japan was a man named Jimmu. The emperor of Japan now has Yamato blood running through his veins.

Prince Shotoku is said to be a main influencer of Japan, though this has been put up to debate many times. It is said he took power from his aunt out of her own will and used it to make Japan more like China. He copied their government, beliefs-he sent scholars to China who studied their art, medicine, and philosophy. He is said to have written Japan’s first official constitution, though it has not been completely confirmed that he did.

Another large part of Japanese history in the medieval ages was poetry. The first form of Japanese poetry was tanka, unrhymed, short poems. Later on, another popular form of poetry-even now-was/is haikus! Samurai were expected to be good poets, too-don’t ask me why.

That’s really it! Honestly, I hope this helps SOMEONE with their history test! I’m learning Japanese now-it’s a bit difficult, but learning a language improves memory and other skills, so. Thanks for reading and please point out any misinformation/spelling mistakes so I can fix it! Also, feel free to add on/ask questions!

[yourghastlycloseness]

yeah the department meeting depressed the hell out of me and convinced me that i’m terribly unfulfilled at work, but also, that maybe all that comes from within and i will carry this sadness in me everywhere i go

because everyone else my age seems to be coping alright, even if they’re not doing excellently

they actually have dreams and strive for healthy human relationships

meanwhile, i can’t seem to reciprocate or reach out, nor do i really want to

maybe this just isn’t the job for me

my colleagues are sweet and competent people, though. honestly, bosses don’t get better than this

one of them gave me a book voucher today haha which i spent immediately on endo’s silence

‘of course it’s jap lit,’ said C

yes, of course lol. i’d actually like to research japanese literature more seriously

i’ve got women court writers from the heian period like sei shonagon and murasaki shikibu on my reading list

//

was watching a ballet dancer break down yuzuru hanyu’s chopin program at pyeongchang. what i didn’t notice before was how hanyu doesn’t quite breathe through his mouth at the end of a performance; he breathes through his nose instead, so he -- and other figure skaters, i assume -- ends every performance with composure and grace and not like the panting monsters most of us are

what makes hanyu so pleasing to watch? the ballet dancer explained that when you put two dancers of equal ability side-by-side, the one with the ‘better face’ will be chosen. ‘better’ could mean more physically attractive. an expressive face with more structure and definition -- something you should be able to see from afar

that reminded of the heavy make-up they used for the actors in drama club

i can’t deny that part of hanyu’s magnetic appeal is how he looks

i should admit, too, that a part of me is so envious that a person can move the way he does. why do i desire to possess everything that is beautiful? 

years ago, my therapist asked me a question that still sticks with me: ‘can you look at beautiful person and not think about wanting that beauty?’

simply put, my answer is no

i see a beautiful person and i want to be them

i don’t care if they’re dirt poor or if they have tragic family backgrounds or if they’re dumb as fuck or if they’ve raped and murdered 20 people

i want beauty and i want it all à la sharpay evans

//

later caught a podcast on suicide by a catholic pastor -- it wasn’t my intention to catch a christian podcast. i was thinking about killing myself again and wanted to hear people talk about suicide without skirting around the subject

i am only 17 minutes in but i am comforted by what the pastor said

he makes two interesting points

i) that we don’t know where a person who commits suicide ends up, but what we do know is that he goes to jesus, and god will make the judgement -- he does away with this idea of immediate and eternal condemnation for the act of suicide

ii) that doctors and clergymen have to work together to help people out of depression and to stop people from committing suicide

but there are points i disagree with

i) the pastor says that suicide can cut short this ‘plan’ that god has for you (it is believed that god has a plan for everyone) -- OK, but what if the plan was for me to precisely end my life at the age of 25, and to make others realize that this isn’t the right thing to do. alternatively, what if i were a homicidal pedophile in the making, where such tendencies would reach its peak in my thirties? coincidentally, i happen to be struggling with depression and ended up taking my own life before i could harm anyone else. what if suicide was the plan after all? it is a possibility to consider.

ii) the pastor argues very firmly that suicide is ‘sin’ for it brings pain to the people around you -- can you honestly say the same about elderly suicides? or about people who have lost all their family? we have to accept that there are people out there who aren’t loved, whose bodies are replaceable (think foxconn, sweatshops)

we don’t have enough information to make a blanket moral judgement that all suicide is sin

//

i won’t call myself a non-believer; i went through a phase of superficial pantheism haha where i saw god as the universe and the universe as god, but i no longer identify too closely with that, partly because i was working hard to fill a spiritual void back then and pantheism was the closest thing i could find to an antidote

christianity, or any institutionalized religion for that matter, has never made sense to me 

simply for this reason: we don’t know if god exists

when we don’t know, we can choose to: 

i) maintain that we don’t know (ie. god may or may not exist) 

ii) assume the positive (ie. god exists) 

iii) assume the negative (ie. god doesn’t exist)

ii) and iii) never made sense to me at all. this has been the main obstacle for me. i actually tried to get into religion between 2014-2015 lol

something else i don’t believe in: judgement before god

maybe i’m not understanding the bible correctly (frankly, i wanted to fall asleep after the first page of genesis), but how can you judge my lived experience when you have never had to live as a mere mortal with no extraordinary destiny or circumstances yourself?

i refuse to be judged by something like that

//

i cook like a sissy

i hold the spatula at an arm’s length away and i approach the pan from a 45 degree angle so that i don’t get hot oil splattering onto my forearm

//

suicide ideas

a few ways i’m thinking of committing suicide right now. i think i mentioned method #1 on my old blog, but not the others. i’m filing them all here for reference. these are what worked:

1. MBS - death of wilim/willim charles

https://www.straitstimes.com/singapore/man-who-fell-from-52nd-floor-of-mbs-probably-committed-suicide-coroner

https://www.asiaone.com/print/News/AsiaOne%2BNews/Crime/Story/A1Story20130516-423065.html

A tourist, whose body was badly severed in the fall from the 52nd floor of the Marina Bay Sands Hotel last June, was likely to have committed suicide, a coroner court heard on Tuesday.

The head and torso of Mr Wilim Charles were found on a 17th floor balcony while his legs were found in the fountain on the ground floor. Other parts of him were scattered about.

In his findings, State Coroner Imran Abdul Hamid noted that Mr Charles had used a deck chair to climb over the 1.1m-tall glass barricade of the balcony, stepped onto the planter's box and fallen to his death. 

He was last seen alive smoking a cigar seated at a desk in the suite by the butler who came to carry Ms Lee's bags down at about 4pm. Casino records showed that although he was a Diamond Reward member, he was not a frequent gambler, having last played on April 14 last year. There was also about $43,000 in cash in the suite.

i like how he died. pretty fancy to be described as being ‘last seen alive smoking a cigar seated at a desk’ and having ‘$43,000 in cash in the suite’. i’m getting noir vibes all around haha

i’m not a fan of body parts being scattered about though. so i might want to bring this down to maybe the 30th-40th floor if i decide to attempt it like he did

2. kushiro coast -- death of wei qiu jie

https://japantoday.com/category/national/Body-found-on-Kushiro-coast-may-be-that-of-missing-Chinese-woman

https://www.scmp.com/news/china/society/article/2108965/body-confirmed-be-chinese-tourist-missing-japan

The body of a young woman was discovered along the coastline of Kushiro City, Hokkaido, on Sunday. Police believe the body may be that of Wei Qiu Jie, 26, a Chinese woman who has been missing since July 23.

Around 6 a.m. on Sunday, a man who was kelp fishing along the beach at Katsurakoi, discovered the body that had washed ashore and immediately notified the police, Fuji TV reported. The woman had long hair and was wearing a beige skirt and white blouse, similar to the clothes Wei was wearing when she was last seen.

She had left her hotel in Sapporo on July 22 for the day, leaving some of her luggage behind, but never returned.

Police later discovered she checked into a hotel at Akan Lake, about 300km from Sapporo, the same night she left Sapporo.

Witnesses said she boarded a tour boat at the lake and was last seen on surveillance camera footage at a convenience store in the nearby coastal city of Kushiro on July 23.

i like this one because i’m seeing millais’ ophelia in the water. the painting has been my laptop lock screen wallpaper for years haha

unfortunately, i’m a pretty alright swimmer. i imagine that i’d fight really hard if i tried to drown myself. i’d probably need to weigh myself down with a lot of rocks in my pockets (like virigina woolf) and bind my arms and legs when i go into the water

3. burning coal briquettes in a hotel room -- death of kim jong-hyun

https://www.straitstimes.com/lifestyle/entertainment/jonghyun-lead-singer-for-south-korean-boyband-shinee-dies-reports

K-pop group SHINee member Kim Jong Hyun, 27, died on Monday (Dec 18) in an apparent suicide, according to local reports.

Police found him unconscious at 6.10pm Korea time in his own apartment located in Cheongdam-dong, in the upscale Gangnam district, after his sister made a report at 4.42pm saying that her brother seemed suicidal.

The YTN news channel, however, reported that Mr Kim had checked into a serviced residence for two nights.

Mr Kim was taken to a nearby hospital, but eventually died.

Reports suggested he died of cardiac arrest from suspected carbon monoxide poisoning.

He was found to have burned a coal briquette on a frying pan. Charcoal briquettes can cause carbon monoxide poisoning in closed rooms.

i would probably choose a hotel room that comes with a kitchenette in tokyo. i went to seoul alone to get a feel of the city as a resting place, but it didn’t vibe with me as much as tokyo did

4. yellowknife, ingraham trail - death of atsumi yoshikubo

https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/north/atsumi-yoshikubo-wrote-a-suicide-note-before-leaving-japan-1.2825863

Yoshikubo, 45, was a doctor who enjoyed travelling solo. She was reported missing Oct. 27, 2014 by staff at the Explorer Hotel.

Staff at the Explorer Hotel, where she was staying by herself, found all of her luggage in her room three days after she was supposed to have checked out. They called police, who found she'd missed her flight home to Japan on Oct. 26.

At the time, police said she had been last seen walking away from the city toward Highway 4, also called the Ingraham Trail.

Because investigators found only bone fragments, they couldn't determine exactly what caused Yoshikubo's death.

They did find two notes left by Yoshikubo: one, an apparent suicide note for friends and family in Japan; the other, found by searchers with her possessions in the bush in Yellowknife.

"It included... how much she loved the North, how much she loved Yellowknife, how much she loved the aurora," Menard said. "She expressed her wishes about wanting to be buried here."

unfortunately, we don’t know how exactly yoshikubo died. 

but i imagine there are many ways one could die in the woods. starvation, dehydration, hypothermia, bear attack (if i’m going to go down like leo in the revenant, i expect an afterlife oscar)

i imagine it would be nice to die in the north toohttps://www.straitstimes.com/lifestyle/entertainment/jonghyun-lead-singer-for-south-korean-boyband-shinee-dies-reports

//

other suicides cases i’ve read about and will KIV when considering methods: 

kate spade

christine chubbuck

sulli

hara

sylvia plath

krystal aki mizoguchi

daul kim

iris chang

kevin carter

paula goodspeed

keiko fuji

yukiko okada

simone mareuil

hanging is ideal to me. but man, what if i don’t get the knot right lol

[workingontravel]

We can’t remember all the hours

(You can read this text in Swedish here.) Ebba Petrén and Gabriel Widing from the performing arts collective Nyxxx are perhaps my most frequent co-travellers, and our practices of travelling are often mutually dependent even when we are not travelling together. For my project Working on Travel aka Trains and Boats and Planes, I invited them both to talk about what we have in common and what separates us in the desires and politics of travelling. They told me a lot, and asked me some questions too.

This text is based on a conversation that also is available as a podcast in Swedish.

Tova Gerge, Ebba Petrén & Gabriel Widing: Gabriel: For a quite a while, I’ve been thinking of myself as small body occasionally picked up by a large bird and then thrown down somewhere where I’m needed. ”. The bird is the capital, of course. The bird can plunge me into at least three different kinds of travels. I might end up in Porto Alegre or Tokyo, places I might never return to again. I might end up in different cities in Europe where people speak other languages. Or, and that’s what’s most common for me, I end up going by train and bus through Sweden to various modernistic apartments. That type of travels is very safe for me. All the trains are the same, all small Swedish cities are the same, all guest apartments are the same, always the same posters from the eighties on the walls. Ebba: I don’t feel quite that limp. Both desire and repulsion can appear in relation to travel, but the bird image doesn’t show that. However, I don’t mean that desire and repulsion are independent of what happens to us. A friend once said: “It’s so damn nice not having a steady job! I want to try out many things now right at the start of my career!” but six months later when this friend had got a steady job, ze said: “It’s so good to have a steady job! I can always take a break, but it’s also good being in one and the same place so I can get some continuity now right at the start of my career!” Gabriel: Surely there is some continuity in our work travels as well. Already ten years ago we used to travel between Stockholm and Malmö, making pieces for different theatre institutions. Then we have gradually expanded that territory, working in similar ways in other Swedish cities. Ebba: We have said to each other that our sprawling collective – six persons in four cities – can cover a larger world. But I also think that the way we are spread out is influencing the way we do art. We put our experiences on stage. And then I mostly think of travels that leave deeper impressions. We can’t remember all the hours on Swedish trains, who we sat next to. On the other hand, we might remember the train journey we did in Japan to Hakone and Mount Fuji. Gabriel: Yes, after we went to Japan, that impacted on our aesthetics for a couple of years.

Tova: Can you also tell if we’ve stayed in modernist apartments all over Sweden? Gabriel: I guess it puts a damp, social-depressive cloth on everything. Maybe you can tell for example from a radio series that we wrote where the main character travel around with a mystical recording device in all of Sweden, talking with ghosts. Tova: I don’t want to travel around any longer. I more and more refuse to travel far if I can avoid it. Sure, compared to an ordinary person working in Stockholm I travel a lot. But whereas I was away half the year before, I’m now gone maybe two months a year.

Gabriel: I think I’ve been away 25-30 weeks per year for like five years. Tova: I’m thinking: when you’re organised around work, that’s what you see. You come to a place and spend your time in a studio and get to know that institution and what the producer looks like, and you go to H&M on the main street, but you have no idea what is going on apart from that, because when you leave work, you’re way too tired to be sociable. Ebba: I’ve thought about the social implications having new colleagues all the time. You’re very vulnerable, in a way. You have no one to talk to when you get home from work. If I work as a director, there are many days when the only conversations I have are with people who see me as that director. In the beginning, you always feel that you’re interesting because you’re new, but the infatuation fades, and then sometimes it turns out that we didn’t share the same project vision. Then it can get very uncomfortable, because there is no intimacy or trust to fall back on in these relationships. And if the trust is re-established after the premiere – well, then it’s time to go home. Tova: I’m thinking of Tinder and binge-dating as a kind of parallel to that thing with institutions looking for artist infatuations: when it ends, you just do it again with someone new. That similarity is interesting to me, because I know you’ve used that type of social media attempting to create relationships in the places you go to. Gabriel: What you’re after is not necessarily intimacy or sex. It can be getting to talk to someone who has roots in a place, who has their life in that little town. Because that doesn’t happen spontaneously. Ebba: I remember when we were in Borås, Gabriel, and both you and me were on Tinder. I came home and said, “There’s a district where people have music studios and illegal clubs!” and you said, “There are people doing fashion and design in a school!” We were just so happy to find people. But of course, there are people!

Gabriel: You want to know there is a life. There might be different strategies for tapping into that. Dating is one strategy. Another is to look for the things that are the same wherever you are. Like: Coca-Cola always tastes the same, so then you latch on to that. Or you can cultivate your knowledge of the place specific: you visit the regional museum in Jönköping or the museum of work in Norrköping or you read up on the weapons industry in Huskvarna in the 16th century… Ebba: That last strategy also feels like it legitimises that I’m active in a place. I almost feel disgust for myself when I come to a place and propose something with that infatuated attitude without having the slightest idea what they’ve done there before, what they’ve been through as a region. Who are we if we don’t know that? Are we the ones coming to save them from their history?

Tova: I’m thinking of how we talk of urbanity and countryside in this conversation. We live in big cities, and we work in small cities. It’s quite often like that in our artistic field. I wonder if that can enhance a kind of contempt for the countryside, being thrown out to different places where I don’t necessarily want to be, where I don’t have a network, where I constantly long for someone else, somewhere else. It makes it easy to fall into caricaturing that place. Ebba: At the same time, many of the regional theatres were started by people like us, but in the seventies: a group from Stockholm or Malmö Theatre Academy that moved to Sundsvall or such and got startup money. Maybe this also happens now to a certain extent. Like the Malmö-based performance group The Institute moving to Tornedalen and starting a new venue in the village where one of the members grew up. Gabriel: The most negative experience of being on tour is when you don’t get what you’re doing there, how you ended up there. Ebba: I like to go to a place and be well received as an expert of something. To get to voice my opinion, maybe put some extra force into it since I don’t really have any responsibility, and then go home. They’re happy, no one knows my weak spots and I can just shine. The hard thing is when I’m supposed to have an everyday life even though all the things that are everyday life for me are missing. We have quite different strategies when it comes to these periods, Gabriel. I have long conversations on the phone with close friends or my partner. I need their support. And before such a period, it’s even more important that it’s safe. Gabriel: I check out instead. I say, “See you in eight weeks.” That works for me, but it doesn’t work well for everyone I’m leaving back home. Ebba: It often happens to me that no one knows where I am. I meet people in Stockholm who ask, “Do you live in Malmö?” And it’s up to me to stay in touch. I’m not part of people’s everyday life, because I’ve been away and said no so many times. And I can feel like I’m not in the right place when I’m in all these other places. It might be about who I feel close to: what people look like, what their posters look like, how they talk about art. The times I feel no attraction, but still have to mirror myself in it, I can experience my own art as being trivial. Maybe it’s vanity; that I can’t imagine that the party I’m invited to is the right one. At the same time, I need to be serious about me and all of Nyxxx developing and being understood differently in a different context. Because I’ve also been in contexts where I’ve felt everything is right.

Gabriel: I would have wanted to travel more to big cities if I got to choose, like Prague or Krakow rather than other places between Stockholm and Malmö. But most people touring get to play their performances so few times in comparison to us moving mostly in the regional Swedish networks.

Ebba: I still feel a bit unhappy about where I am sometimes. I think it’s also about everyone in Nyxxx being more and more busy with their own stuff. “Now let’s juggle some ideas on Messenger” – okay, but I haven’t talked to Gabriel for six months because we haven’t had time, so how are we supposed to get anywhere?

Gabriel: It’s hard to meet and juggle ideas without already having a set project with full funding. It’s like a catch 22. A working week for a six-person collective costs like 70,000 SEK. Ebba: Or you have to hang out in your free time. Tova: But then you might be in Värnamo, busy hating small towns. Or you’re tired of hanging out with your colleagues and want to be with your friends. I count you as my friends, but it can be hard to find the way to that space when you’ve worked so much together. Ebba: I think many small towns have a fascinating history. Tova: Ebba, you’ve also moved to a small town, in a way. You have a house in a town called Ljusne. Do you experience that Ljusne plays a specific role in these stories about work and mobility? Ebba: A lot has changed in smaller towns, not just in Sweden but all over Europe, due to flight of capital and post-industrial conditions. It shows clearly how the possibilities and dreams in a life stand in relation to money and work. I’m also thinking of what happens when there is space somewhere. Who comes to occupy that space, what does it mean for those who have their space occupied? PAF (Performing Arts Forum), for instance, is in a picturesque French village with a beautiful landscape, but PAF is also a microcosm in itself, isolated from the rest of the area. People in the village haven't always loved the activities at PAF, and there have been some attempts to reduce the tension.

Tova: Tell us that story of Ljusne and the sawmill! Ebba: An old man biked up my driveway the other day. He was looking for his cat. I came out and said hi and told him I had just moved in. He said, “I’ve lived here since 1964. It was another place back then, I’m so pissed-off about what it has become. 5,000 people used to live here, there were 4,000 workers at the factory…” And it’s like that with every bugger you meet in Ljusne. The door to history flings open, and the hate for the Hallwyl family is so fierce. Hallwyl married into the family that owned the factory. It was a merchant family that shipped so-called colonial goods to southern Northland from the ports in Söderhamn and Ljusne. They bought forest land from the farmers and built the sawmill and hired the farmers so the farmers could get money and buy coffee and liquor that came into their port. And the money was siphoned off into the Hallwyl Palace that was built without an upper limit in the budget. There are many places that have experienced this, but Hallwyl Palace is such a distinct example. The woman who built Hallwyl palace wanted to catalogue everything already from the beginning. She must have known that the exploitation of the workers that took place in Ljusne with surroundings was completely unsustainable. So better make a museum while she could. Gabriel: You could organise bus tours from Ljusne to Hallwyl Palace. Ebba: The union club at the plywood factory used to do that. They stood there and cried when they saw all the gold taps.

Tova: Will we stand crying somewhere, and, if so, where?

[graylinesblog]

Gray Lines

Today is the day that I chose to officially write about the developments of my life. These moments are what truly make me into the person that I am. Sometimes these moments are too much, and sometimes they are just right. It’s hard for me to explain to most people, and unfortunately, it’s hard for me to explain to the people who are closest to me. 

There isn’t a day that goes by that I want to reach out to them and tell them what’s whirls through my brain on a day to day basis. Moments in my brain that just blur my reality, make me wonder what comes next, or if there will even be a next. 

My whole life I’ve written stories, there was also a time where I wrote in a diary at least once a week. These excerpts show me that this inner struggle goes back years, it makes me wonder how much longer I will be like this. I truly wonder to myself if anyone else ever feels like this, but I’m sure that there is. There are so many people on this wonderful world, it would be impossible for me to be singled out in this existence to be the only one suffering. However, it brings me not a single ounce of joy to learn that other people are standing on these gray lines. When and where do the colors start bursting into our lives? Are they driving and exciting, will I feel compelled to act as an individual in this world when they happen?

I expected to find answers with love, answers to my emptiness. But instead I have been left with more questions and an even worse despondency. Loss leaves me awake at night while my boyfriend sleeps soundly beside me. We are both feeling that our lives need more, want more. The things that we are seeking however, I’m not sure if they align or not. Hearing from coaches and people who have been in many relationships, expectations can shatter our realities. Knowing this, I try not to impose my previous expectations onto us or him for that matter. Still, it feels like I am a puzzle piece with no proper place.

I am more broke now that I was when I didn’t have a job and when I didn’t have bills. Graduation quickly approaches and applying for jobs has drained me more than the curriculum of my previous engineering major. Rejection emails file in and I don’t necessarily blame them, my resume doesn’t look any different from any of the other thousands of new graduates. My boyfriend has graduated, and he makes decent money, but to me he’s like Bill Gates. Before him, when I need a couple of hygiene products that maybe cost one or two tanks of gas, I had to consider which I can live without. Now he will buy them for me and a friendly reprimand comes with it for not expressing my need for them. These actions of his cause me to feel a thankfulness I only ever felt when my best friend let me essentially live with her for a semester because I couldn’t afford gas to commute to school. It also made me feel an uncontrollable amount of anguish. As an adult, I was still a burden to everyone around me, especially those who were close to me. I felt like I was exploiting their kindness, and my mother’s words about me being selfish burned into my mind daily. I had no way to express my thankfulness except for my words, and they felt empty, because I wanted to do so much more for them. 

SELFISH.

That word will forever haunt my day to day life. No matter how many snacks I can spare to homeless people around my university, no matter how many animals or people I volunteer with, no matter what major I choose to help the world, it’s all because in some way I benefit. 

SELFISH.

It hurts when I type it out, every letter feels like a brand. It hurts, and it hurts, and I can’t stand under this pressure to shake the feeling that I’m not actually selfish. Every day, every kiss or hug, ever favor or opportunity I take, I can’t shake it off. 

And maybe I won’t. There are times when my actions bring happiness to the people around me. A homeless man once said I was the most beautiful women he’s ever seen, and I don’t know if I buy that, but I appreciate his comment all the same. His words were so kind, and it was all over just a small Fuji red apple I had that I didn’t eat at lunch time. Homeless veterans couldn’t believe their ears when Bon Jovi was playing on my iPod as I folded and stamped letters. The sang and danced in their seats, and for a moment everything in this world felt pure. I used to volunteer for a man who took care of disowned parrots and other exotic birds. Birds have the intelligence of human toddlers, and they will remember your face. This man dedicated his livelihood and money for these animals, and I just happened to waltz into his sanctuary one weekend and asked for some weekly volunteer hours. His bond with these birds was the most innocent and pure thing I have ever experienced. They loved him, that much was obvious, but he would talk to them as if they were people. He knew which birds, who all looked the same to me, loved certain foods over others. He knew which ones liked head rubs or wing massages, it was honestly one of the most eye opening experiences of my life. I hope to one day repay him, I’ve never gone back there, I’m entirely too nervous for that type of interaction. 

There are good days, and there are bad days. More often than not however, there are gray days. I’m trying my best to keep going, I just hope that the happiness around me is enough for my heart to carry me. For now, this rainbow keyboard, my tortoiseshell cat, and this wonderful apartment make me smile.