#i didnt set an alarm today and yet still woke up at 8 am

[mitamicah]

Sorry for not having been too active recently - by the middle of august I started an internship at a kitchen two days a week so that together with having my mother visit, the gig redraws +stickers, a zine project piece and just life in general have kept me occupied

And then there are days like today where I have been wanted pretty much nothing more than sleep and to read 😅🤣

I hope to be back with some sketches and/or minor projects the upcoming week(s) 😁

[nathank77]

4/9/24

7:18 p.m

I passed out around maybe 8 a.m potentially earlier. On the half MG without anything else.

I probably woke up about 4-6 times but I kept my eyes closed and I heard weird hallucinations like screaming or laughing-thats how I know I am about to fall back to sleep........ it's all the same volume but I can still make out what I hear. A scream is still the same volume as a whisper.. but yea I kept my eyes closed despite needing to pee cause I knew I was done for bc of those extra hallucinations.... I don't hear those during the day.

I woke up at 4:45 p.m..... my HSV2 inhibitor test and gonorrhea/chlamydia urine test was today at 4:40 p.m..... I ran out the door... drove to Quest, it's close... thankfully I had an extra pair of glasses in my backpack... I didnt have time to grab my glasses out of my case on my desk before I ran to Quest bc I really wanted to get it done. So this is one of those time where the whole having spare pairs of glasses is really helpful.. they saved my ability to be able to see when I was driving.

Luckily Quest did the tests..... I hate circadian rhythm disorder... I didn't want to open my eyes, I usually wake up to my alarm and I didn't this time. Back before I had psychosis I didn't wake up to my alarms but since Xanax I've been waking up to them almost everyday... when I opened my eyes I truly thought it was like 3 p.m... bc my alarm was set to 3:30 p.m.

My hallucination really is, "happy birthday," "I've got a birthday present," "that's the depressing part," and hearing my own thoughts being repeated which is maddening. I'm starting to regret aligning with it bc it makes it hard to say listen to a song/tv while thinking something out like what I got to do to today, etc... even without other types of chatter..

Anyways I await the results. I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea. I know that hsv2 test was a false positive, yet I'm still worried..

I hit CVS, and then took a shower. I'm home now writing. I have an appt with apple later about my phone number bc it's associated with another account.

I was going to check out some Eyewear places near me but of course with my circadian rhythm disorder, and the time frames its impossible. Maybe I'll start with lens crafters on Saturday and then next week my schedule is less busy and maybe I can make it work.

I'm anxious about oversleeping tomorrow bc of my T-Shot... at 3:45 p.m... I'm so sick of being tied down to this appt every other week. It can't be later than that.... if I could do it myself or have my gf/family/ or anyone reliable do it, I would have significantly less obligations to fulfill every single month. I mean it's a fucking chore. This month alone in total its 3 appts..... it's actually really a huge source of stress. If I could do it myself or have someone else to do it, well I would have had 2 ultrasounds this month, 2 Quest appts, and one dentist appt...

Anyways, maybe I'll game later. Maybe I'll just stare at the TV mindlessly. I got to take a 1MG tonight/tomorrow at like 4:30 a.m so hopefully I can fall asleep earlier and get 7 hours and wake up before 3 p.m.....

I have that stupid dentist appt bc the doctor couldn't see me the day of the cleaning on Friday... I might just cancel and reschedule I need down time. All these optical centers near me close at like fucking 5-6......... it would be cool to be able to swing by a few. They are close together. Maybe I really will reschedule cause like if I go to the dentist, I expect to get my teeth cleaned and see the doctor that same day and only come back if they find a problem...

I still have my ultrasound next Wednesday at 4 p.m on my lower region. I'm worried about that... making the appt. Then them finding something... despite their being no reason for me to think they'll find something.

I just feel like between circadian rhythm disorder, sleep issues, the voice always screaming to get my attention. My constant auditory hallucination forcing me to drown it out and my ocd always being there forcing me to make rules, avoid things, my life is so stressful.

I got my refund back and I can afford glasses. How can I fit going to a few stores locally into my schedule when I'm always going to the doctors and oversleeping...

I have my disability appointment on the 16th at 1:30... idk if I'm just going to reschedule it, maybe I'll take 1 mg and try to make it so the damn thing gets off my fucking to do list and I get my fucking back pay. I'll feel like fucking shit...

Beyond that my arm still hurts from my fall. The x-ray came back clean. I waited until my doctors appt and had her send me in a MRI... it got denied so I sent in the appeal paperwork...

But yea I'm trying hard to stay on the ball, everything is counting against me.

I thought something, what if Elise brings up brendan if I ever run into her. Well if she excessively brings up their plans. I'll assume she's happily married and I will be happy for her but I'll have to cope with that potential of us being together not ever happening.

If she brings up he is with the girls I'll assume nothing. If she says they talked about divorce I'll just listen and say I'm sorry. My jaw might drop a little. That's what I'd do..

Although I don't expect her to show up Saturday. I hope she does.

[apricotluvr]

I really passed out for 12 hours... 😐

[pbandjesse]

I am still very tired today. It sucks. I just want to shake this and I cant. I am trying my best. Also those pictures above of me are from yesterday but James got them to me today so enjoy.

I woke up this morning when my alarm went off at 8 and I was just so sad. I didnt sleep great. And my foot was still really hurting. The bandaids we got seemed to help but its just really swollen still and it sucks. But I will keep trying to make it better. 

BUt I was just not having being up yet. So I kept dozing until 930 when I actually got up. But I was still really upset. It took me a while to even get out of bed with James trying to help. I just wasnt in a good place. But I tried. And I got dressed. And I loved my outfit and felt so cute today. That was a saving grace. James made me breakfast and that helped me feel better a little. But I still wasnt happy. I wasnt feeling good. 

I tried to just sit in bed and feel okay but I was so tired. James came and laid with me and eventually I fell back sleep. It wasnt a very long nap but it helped a little. And at 1215 I was able to pull it together and get ready to leave for work. 

I was alright though. I got to work and started organizing more. Getting stuff ready for the day. Hanging some stuff. Marcus would come later. And some of my coworkers came to chill in our room. 

It was honestly a frustrating day. Like our kids were fine. But we have a new student! Who seems really nice so far. But we were supposed to have 2 others and it was super confusing because none of the teachers knew who they were??? Im still really confused about it. 

And then I got pushed, hard, into a wall by some older kids and I was really distressed. It wasnt cool at all and it threw me off completely, and then when we were going to dinner we were told a kids went back into our set up space and poured all my new red paint on the floor. I was just so sad. Like I want to keep working with my kids but I dont know how much longer I can take this school. I just feel so stupid. I put so much into it but I am continually disrespected. As are every other teacher in this school but it just sucks. 

Especially because it felt like we were blamed because we prop the door open. Because they wont give us a key. And its just so infuriating when there are 2 doors on the other side that are always unlocked. But no, our propping is the issue. 

So that put a sour taste in my mouth. But my kids were generally good. And I had a small group help me hang art in the hallway and it was just real nice to be able to have some quiet time with them. Talk to them and stuff. They are good kids. And it was nice to get the work up. A day time teacher tried to come for me though about the tape were using. And was like. You gotta use painters tape. And Im like not this year, this is Ms Jenn approved. And she was like oh aright. 

Mind your business.

We finished up the day and headed home. But all the parents were late so it took a while. But that was okay. I had a nice time hanging with my kids and then we went to clean the room and it was all good. I had a few of the kids help me move all my back up art stuff to the closet in our classroom. Because I am so sick of having to deal with people stealing or breaking or just being horrible with my things. So hopefully this helps. 

I got home around 615 and got to work on my spacial mashed potatoes and stuffing. James got back and minced the garlic and shallots for me. And dinner was excellent. But I was tired and still kind of sad. So I was just on the couch for a while. And now im in bed. But Im going to play a card game with James and that will be nice. 

Tomorrow is a long day. With the museum and teaching. But I think it will be nice. I hope you all have a great night and sleep good. Goodnight 

[pbandjesse]

I was feeling really sad for the last couple hours. I dont know why and it wasnt fun. But Im feeling a little better. Today was a pretty good day and I feel selfish for being sad. I hope that a good nights sleep helps but like. Who knows. 

Last night I fell asleep before James got back from what was a very bad game. And because I was slightly following it on twitter I knew he was going to be sad and I was full of anxiety over it and that sucked. But I fell asleep and woke up briefly when he got back. I had very bizarre dreams and was pretty tired because of it. So when my alarm went off at 8 I was like. Nope. 

I woke up for real at 930 and felt pretty good. I stretched a little. Got dressed. Felt good. Didnt realize it was almost 70 degrees outside. In January. So when I did leave I was like. To warm in my sweater. 

I was also worried I was going to be late for my class. But I was exactly on time and while I would have liked a couple extra minutes to stretch I was feeling pretty good today! Much stronger. Some of our conditioning is becoming easier. And we did a climbing thing where we climb and then we go down, switch feet, and climb again. And I didnt have to stop in between. I switched feet and went right back up and I was so proud. I was still winded but not as bad. And I really just had a lot of fun today. 

I think my one critique of the class is I want to be doing more fun tricks. But I know Im not there yet. So the little things were practicing are perfect and Im glad we are working through it this way. 

We finished up with some gentle cool downs. We did some spins! And then it was time to go. 

I drove to taco bell. Which was excellent. And then I went over to the pet store and got a frog! His name is Pancake. Both because he is flat and because of the IHOP pun. I also got him a couple plants and blood worms to eat. 

I went to Marshals next. I had a $10 coupon. So I was going to get a black fleece like Ive been saying. But then I tried one on and I was like. Oh never mind. So I wandered around and was just looking and ended up finding a very similar jacket to the one I lost on ebay. And I was like. Yessss.. But it was a much lighter denim wash and I wasnt sure. So I kept looking and ended up finding a stonewash black jean jacket with a sherpa lining. Which is something James really wanted. So now we will share that and it was cheaper then the one on ebay and Im excited about it. 

I was in line for forever. The line was legit wrapping down to the clothes aisles. But I had my podcast and I wasnt to bothered. I mostly felt tired and wanted to sit down. 

Once I got outside I was like. I need to sit. And then when I was sitting I was like. I need to lay down. So I drove home. Just white knuckled the whole time because I was so sleepy. Okay Im exaggerating but not that much. I wanted to be home. 

I got back around 2 and put some stuff away. I got Pancake's tank set up with his plants and got him in there. Hes so tiny. Just like bigger then a quarter. I wanted to unpack my bag from yesterday but I didnt make it happen. I just got changed and opened some windows. It was so warm out. I ran the dishwasher and laid down finally. 

I watched some videos and eventually fell asleep. I slept until around 5 as the sun was going down. I felt a lot better. I had a snack and watched videos and waited for James to come home. 

We were thinking friends were going to come over but it didnt work out. So instead we ordered pizza and played uno. I was feeling really sad and low but I dont feel so bad anymore. I wish this feeling would stop and I could focus more. I need to work on my coping mechanisms. I feel like I have lost those. But I am trying. 

Tiffany called me and asked if she could drop off some stuff for tomorrow. Because she had to go to a funeral. Of course. So she and Chelsi stopped by. It helped start to pull me out of my funk. I gotta keep pulling myself out of this.

I am at the museum tomorrow and then teaching and then I hope to work on a couple things at home. I am going to do my very very best. But for now I am going to go take a shower. I hope you all sleep good tonight and have a nice day tomorrow. Goodnight!!!