#i didnt relapse i just started thinking about shit neurotypicals do that pisses me off and here we are

[viceslovevirtues]

TW/ SELF HARM. IM GOOD IM JUST YELLING. // last thing real quick and then im gonna go to bed.

i dont understand neurotypical people who dont understand but think they do. i hate a “oh you tried to kill yourself? that sucks, one time i was really sad so i get it” ass bitch. maybe this is an unpopular opinion but i hate when someone who self harms one time for whatever reason with their one thin ass cut, will tell the story to anyone.“never again *teary eyes*” i dont get it. “oh yeah that one little perfectly straight line that i keep pointing out and saying is a cat scratch with sad sad eyes? the one on my wrist that pokes out of my flannel. do you see it? do you know what it is? let me drift it in front of you like a newly engaged person flaunts their ring. do you feel bad? take pitty? spare a little sympathy? 

“i self harmed once. i didnt like it.” i know. you tell me everytime i relapse. i get it. im a piece of shit. what kind of person hurts themself? why?i remember hearing teachers reference kids who would constantly wear black hoodies or oversized sweatshirts and worrying about if they were maybe *cutters* and immediately recoiling. i may have spoken to that teacher about that subject later but i also may have dreamed that redemption.

“why do you do that? why do you do that to yourself?” i have this deep hatred of myself and a fear of cessation and a need to make an impact on people. that might sound weird all together, let me try again. it started as a punishment. for myself from myself. people would say dumb shit and i thought that i deserved it so i would hurt myself. then it became cathartic. lotta stress? bleed a lil, let some out, good as new in just a few scratches. when i started to disassociate frequently, self harm via hitting myself/walls, pulling my own hair, scratching and digging my nails in til i bleed, etc was the only way for me to know that i was a real person. that i was tangible. that i wasnt playing a shitty fp video game, that i wasnt made of static or fucking floating. that there was feeling in my hands and my thighs and my scalp. at some point in there, it felt good. i cant say it didnt because it did. i didnt talk about it. i didnt keep a log or track how long i was self harm free. anyone would find out and they would freak out and i wouldnt understand and i still dont. this is just a part of the way that my body processes things. YES I KNOW THIS IS A SHITTY COPING SKILL AND A SHITTY REASON. i would like to say ‘however’ but there really isnt an excuse. i self harm. it hurts the people around me and i dont understand why. its a passive part of me.

its not like im attempting, im just trying to feel something.

(((i think thats why i get so heated when i here neurotypicals talk about self harm in an active way, especially because its not something to be proud of. its a guilty pleasure. a secret shame.)))