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palettepainter · 3 years

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Part of the family

Idk what Ecto’s birth name is so I’m going to have his parents/other characters refer to Ecto as Ekuto. It translates to ecto in Japanese, real creative but I’ll use it as his birth name till we get a cannon one confirmed

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Higari scratched at the collar of his shirt, and then tugged uncomfortably at the waist of his trousers

“I’m really not used to wearing this monkey suit..” he said mostly to himself, looking down at his blazer he’d dusted off from his cupboard. Higari only owned one formal suit, and only ever wore it on rare occasions. Even after spending so many years teaching at UA and attending so many events or interviews, he’d never gotten used to all this fancy shmancy stuff.

“Well you look very handsome in one~” Ecto stood near by in the hotel room comparing bow ties, one hand on his hip and other on his chin. He too was also in a suit, the two both dressed up for a night out at a formal party event. The two had been invited as guests to a charity event by Ecto’s parents, who where two key supports of said event. Really they where attending as undercover security, so obviously they had to fit the part

Higari peered over to his husband, gave him a cheeky glance up and down before walking over. “You don’t look half bad yourself” he said with a lazed smirk, hand snaking it’s way over and around Ecto’s hips. Ecto hummed again him, raising one brow before he lifted up a red bow. “Hm..how about this one?” He asked

Higari shrugged “You know suits better then me, not like I got any clue which bow goes with what dress shirt”

“Oh stop it” Ectoplasm said, kneeling down to help tie the bow in place. With Higari’s altered finger tips it made things like tying bows all the more challenging, thankfully Ecto was skilled in the art and had the bow on Higari in a matter of seconds “You look wonderful!” he straightened out his blazer, and for good measure, nuzzled his nose on Higari’s forehead in the form of a kiss “Besides, it’s only for a few hours. When we get back you can change into something more comfortable”

“Or waddle around naked” Higari suggested, waiting eagerly to see Ecto’s reaction. Knowing it was oh so easy to get Ecto flustered

Ecto hummed, as if pretending to think it over, managing to remain calm before the corner of his mouth crinkled up into a smile “Hm..maybe~” Higari’s trade mark grin spread across his face with a giggle. Ecto tried to keep cool even if the face of his husbands adorable little laugh “But lets save that for after the party. I don’t want you causing mischief”

Higari hummed, humoured, sensing a challenge. Expertly he sauntered his way over and looped his arms around Ecto from behind, pressing his face into the small of Ecto’s back “Hm, are you calling me a bad boy?~”

Ecto turned as best he could to peer down at Higari, his brow cocked in amusement at his antics, struggling to keep a neutral tone despite how flustered he was actually feeling from Higari’s flirting - the sneaky mink “I won’t hesitate to put you in your place if that’s what you’re implying”

Ecto could tell Higari had one of those smiles on his face, but before Higari could say anymore Ecto pried his arms off him. Higari let out a small whine, disappointed the fun was over “However, we do have a charity event to get to” he said while releasing Higari’s hands, pulling on his blazer that he hung on the chair. Higari crossed his arms, hiding a pout behind his fringe “Mn, yeah I guess so..”

“Don’t whine” Ecto said, mocking a tone a mother would use with a child. “..It won’t be that bad” he reassured while looking himself over in the small mirror by the cupboard “They’ll be food and drinks, and all we have to do is mingle and be prepared if something calls for us to step in”

“Mm, yeah I guess” Higari said

He joined Ecto over at the door before the two walked out together into the hall. Higari had been to a few arguably fancy events, the fanciest it ever got at UA where interviews with the press outside UA grounds, or the UA prom for the third years, that was about it. Don’t get him wrong, Higari still preferred a pair of joggers to a suit and bow, but alas he’d signed up for this when he became a teacher at UA. As much as he didn’t like formal events, too crowded for his liking, they had to set a good example for UA

And going to a formal event with Ecto made it bearable.

Upon arriving at the venue the first thing he noticed was how bright everything was, didn’t help his sensitive eye sight. He tried to not let it bother him as he and Ecto stepped out of their car and made their way inside to a large main room where all the guests where gathered. Thank god Ecto was tall, at the very least he could navigate this maze, Higari couldn’t see over the top of all the other guests even if he tried! After checking in with the rest of the security and into the main hall Ecto grabbed for Higari’s hand

“Lets go and wait over at the side” Ecto said, already making his way through the crowd with Higari on his tail towards the side of the room, where the two where somehow able to find an unoccupied table in the sea of people. “Didn’t think it’d be this busy” Higari said while observing the room, he couldn’t help but feel a little weird - being in such a decorated room with all these fancy rich people.

“Me too” Ecto said, returning to the table with two wine glasses. “Regardless, we should try and enjoy ourselves” he handed Higari a glass, which he accepted with a small nod of thanks. He swigged it down in a swift gulp, Ecto blinked, taken a back. “Careful there..” he teased, drinking lightly from his own glass. “Sorry Ecto” Higari said, placing his glass back down onto the table “Big events like this always make me nervous..” he admitted, if it was anyone else other then Ecto he wouldn’t have shared such a personal fear

“It’s alright, just remember it’s only for a few hours. And if nothing goes wrong we may be allowed to leave early”

Higari hummed in reply, one hand tapping on the table while he idly glanced about the room, trying to see if their was anything else in here other then a crowd of bustling people. With his hair brushed aside it made seeing things a bit more easier, which is why it didn’t take him long to recognise an approaching face in the crowd.

“Angel!” Mrs. Kurōn, Ecto’s mother, happily emerged from the crowd and rushed over as quickly as she could towards the table, Ecto already standing from his chair to greet her. “Oh I’m so happy you two could make it!” She said, greeting Ecto with a quick hug before she looked to Higari “It’s so nice to see some familiar family faces! - and Higari, it’s lovely to see you could make it too dear!”

“Evening Mrs. Kurōn” Higari said, waving his hand. Despite having already met Ecto’s parents he was still a little shy around them, maybe it was added nervousness of the fancy party making him feel particular shy, he wasn’t sure.

“Where’s dad?” Ecto asked, looking around to try and identify his other parent “I haven’t see him yet, he’s not with you?”

“Your father is catching up with some old work colleagues” Mrs. Kurōn answered while she straighten out Ecto’s tie, smiling at the dorky spotty pattern he’d chosen. “I doubt he’ll be too long” she said “He’s a social butterfly, I’m sure you’ll bump into him at some point - you remember Mister Zeikin?”

Ecto thought for a moment before his eyes widened with realisation “Yes I remember, didnt dad say he was one of his old team members before you and him married? He came round for dinner a few times”

His mother nodded “Yes he was, he’s the one who helped organise the decorating for this event. Oh! And you remember Megumi? She’s here too!”

“Megumi?..” Ecto repeated, thinking once again before he smiled “I haven’t seen her since..god it must have been at our prom party at UA” he said, my how time flied. Higari looked to and from between them, not understanding who they where talking about but obviously seeing that Ecto must have clearly known of them “Seems like centuries ago doesn’t it? I still have those prom photos laying about somewhere at home” Mrs. Kurōn suddenly gasped, and put a hand on Ecto’s shoulder “Why don’t we go over and see them? You two where good friends back at UA, I’m sure she’d be very surprised to see you again!”

“Hm..well, mum-“ Ecto looked back towards Higari, who sensing Ecto’s worries raised his hand “Don’t worry about me, you can leave me alone for ten minutes” Higari smiled and gestured away “Go mingle, tell Mr. Kurōn I said hi”

“Are you sure?” Ecto repeated, clearly not convinced. “You could always come with us” Higari again simply repeated his gesture “I’ll be fine! I’m a grown man, don’t worry. Sides-“ he shrugged “I don’t her, I wouldn’t know what to say. I’d just be awkward”

“Hm..” Ecto threw a glance over his shoulder to the crowd and then to his mother, who smiled wider. He hummed again “..Well” his worry melted away, a relieved smile coming to his face “Alright then!” He turned around, his mother leading the way “I won’t be long!” He called to Higari just as they got swept up into the crowd. Higari waved goodbye until Ecto and Mrs. Kurōn was out of sight, guess it was just him now.

Thirty minutes passed, and Higari restrained himself from glancing down to his watch again.

“Hm..Ecto’s been gone a while” he said to the empty table, one hand holding his face while the other fiddled with the salad fork. Busying himself with tinkering away at one of his inventions was off the table with the current location he was in, he figured it wouldn’t be very ‘proper’ of him to suddenly start rebuilding a toaster in front of all these guests. Not like he needed to give them a reason to stare. “Maybe I’ll see what there is to eat” he suggested, sliding off his chair as he tried to locate the food table.

These kinds of parties always had the weirdest foods, and always in such small servings, Higari could never wrap his head around it. He’d hoped there’d be something at this food table that would satisfy his hunger until they could back to the hotel room, where he’d already decided he’d order the most greasiest take out junk food if this party food ended up being like all the rest. Reaching the table he was glad he kept his expectations low, as expected all the food was tiny, bowls of expertly prepared salads, a board full to the brim with cheeses, beautiful made sushi pieces, rice cakes - nothing he hadn’t seen before at fancy events.

Thinking it was better then nothing he picked up a plate and two rice cakes “Guess this’ll do” he muttered, and tried to make his way back towards his table...key word being try. Trying to navigate his way back from point B to A was harder then he thought, finding a needle in a hay stack seemed easier then this! With a snort he gave up on his mission, and instead made himself comfy on one of the balconies overlooking the venues garden, which was also lighted and decorated appropriately to match with the main hall.

He picked up a rice cake and munched into it, blinking slowly - god this was boring. At this rate he was starting to wish something would happen that required security to step in, at least that would give him something to do..

“Excuse me?”

Higari hummed, mouth full of rice cake as he turned to the owner of a voice. A fairly sizeable man stood at the entrance back inside the building, his shirt looked just a bit too tight over the skin of his stomach, his eyes looked at Higari with a somewhat studying look. It made Higari feel fidgety. He quickly swallowed his mouthful, trying to discreetly wipe his mouth to get rid of any rice that stuck onto his face “Uh, did you need something?” He asked, turning back up to the man who approached with a hum

“By chance are you..Higari?”

Higari rose a suspicious brow under his hair but tried to keep his suspicion hidden “Yes” he answered. The man stood next to Higari with a look he couldn’t place his finger on, there was something about it he didn’t like. It made a sickly familiar feeling of worry present inside him. His lips where pulled back into a smile, at least, Higari thought it was a smile - despite how it gave him the unfortunate impression that it was forced “Hm, my I didn’t think I’d get to see the man himself..” the man peered down at Higari for a long moment, as though he was a specimen under a microscope, it made Higari shudder

“I’m sorry, but I don’t think I know you..”

“I’m Mister Zeikin” the man seemed to puff out his chest, as if to symbolise his importance or his name was a grand title. Zeikin? That name sounded familiar “Hm..Oh yeah” Higari nodded lightly “Ecto’s m-Uh..Mrs Kurōn told me you where talking with her husband” the man nodded, turning his gaze to the horizon, one hand lightly swirling the wine in his glass. “Hm yes yes, my dear friend Akarui, known to you as Mr Kurōn, mentioned you when his wife and son came over.” He took an unhurried sip of his drink, eyes admiring his glass once he was finished “And I just had to see if his words held true”

Higari still didn’t understand, but the man was soon turning back to look at him before he could remain confused for much longer “Well done, Higari. You truly are a fascinating man” he praised warmly “So very charming from what I hear of, and sweeping Ekuto off his feet. Lucky him indeed”

Higari felt surprisingly flattered at the praise, growing sheepish at this flood of compliments. He awkwardly rubbed at his neck, smiling regardless “...Well, thank you.”

“But of course!” Zeikin pressed “Its astonishingly brave that you can be so open with displaying such affections..” His gaze slowly returned to Higari, his eyes lingering on him, a glint in his eye. “...Well, all things considered”

Higari bristled, though the man was still smiling, Higari felt attacked at the way he’d worded his sentence. His eyes narrowed “..Whats that supposed to mean?” He asked, leaning his head back to peer up at him.

Zeikin took another slow sip from his drink, smooth and slow as though Higari’s suspicion wasn’t noticeable. He had an air of confidence around him, as he turned back down to Higari “My fine fellow I mean no ill will. I’m sure you are a very...adorable lover” he offered politely “I just can’t help but think about the insecurities that come with the role”

“...Insecurities??” Higari blinked, his cheeks heating up “Theres nothing about our relationship that-“

“You’re from country aren’t you?” That cursed smile finally dropped, his tone all of a sudden flat “It leads a man to wonder just how it is Akarui’s son ever settled for..” Higari didn’t like the look he was giving him, regarding him with the same interest someone may give a piece of gum on the sidewalk “..someone so inferior”

“I...” Higari tried to bite back his temper, he’d hate himself if he lost his temper at an event that was so important to Ecto’s parents. He’d never forgive himself. He tried to take a calming breath, tried to think of happy things, but his insecurities - insecurities this man had targeted - they began to mock him, making his anger rise more. “That’s not any of your business sir” Higari tried to say without growling

“Ah, but it is” the man insisted with detached happiness, as though he was talking with a child. Higari stiffened “You see, Akarui and his family are dearly close to me, despite his.. imbecility” he casted a side ways scowl off into the distance “I would simply hate for something to taint their families image. Wouldn’t you agree?” He looked back down to Higari, who remained frozen, not seeming able to move, his legs not responding to his mind telling him to just walk away. Turn around and walk away! But he couldn’t, he felt offended, how dare he even think Ecto would view him that way!

Ecto would never!...r-right?..

“Ecto would never think of me that way” Higari was now furious, and it was becoming increasingly hard to keep his cool

“Oh well of course he wouldn’t” Zeikin held up his hand, trying to appear passive, and fixing Higari with a look that dropped with artificial sympathy “The dear Kurōn family are far too polite to ever show such disbain openly.”

“...I don’t know what you’re talkin’ about” Higari managed to conjure words despite still being paralysed, face hot, eyes shiny. “They wouldn’t-..” he corrected himself “Don’t think of me that way”

“Hm, perhaps” Zeikin nodded, peering skyward, not meeting Higari’s eyes. “Perhaps I am wrong, perhaps my years of knowledge through being their work colleague and associate do not mean a thing at all to you, perhaps the idea they may look at you differently is so foreign to you. You play the role very well, I commend you!” He gestured towards Higari with a titled head “Dressing up in that fancy suit, attending a formal gathering such as this, all for an attempt to fit in with a crowd not meant to house someone of your background. Yet, you try anyway. How very brave of you”

Higari’s throat suddenly felt tight, eyes stinging as tears swelled in the corners “Are you...mocking me?” His voice was shaky, something fragile behind the front he tried to put up.

“Heavens no” he looked offended at Higari’s weak question, scoffing “Conformity happens with everyone, I just find...amusement in your particular case.” He smiled, teeth an all, eyes narrowed cruelly at Higari, who looked timid. “To think you ever thought someone like you would ever be accepted.”

Higari stumbled back a foot, breathing going funny as he desperately tried to think of a response-

“I do hope we aren’t interrupting anything important.”

Higari startled, almost falling over his own feet. Behind him, standing less then three feet away was Akarui, Ectoplasms father. Brows creased like gathering thunder heads, mouth pressed into a thin frown with his arms crossed, not looking impressed. Behind him just off of the balcony, just looking to have caught up, was Ecto and Mrs Kurōn. At the sight of Ecto Higari flinched, curling up and looking away. Akarui’s look softened, concerned, before he fixed the business man across from his with a withering glare.

“I do hope you have a good explanation for this, Zeikin.” His eyes narrowed “For your sake.”

The man looked to do a double take, blinking “Ah, Akarui” his calm facade still held, but it was obvious the man standing behind Higari was not falling for it, cocking a bold brow. “So..wonderful you could join us” he smiled, walking closer. Akarui stepped forward without hesitation to shield Higari from view with his taller stature. Higari glanced up to him in confusion, blinking back tears

“We where simply having a talk amongst men” He assured, but Akarui’s frown only deepened. “It didn’t soundthat way” he stated, not subtly at all. Zeikin looked to him as though he’d been slapped, as Ecto and Mrs Kurōn hurried their way over.

“Higari? Are you okay?” Ecto asked, crouching down slightly to be at eye level with Higari, sensing almost instantly that something was wrong. Higari flinched away when Ecto reached for him, and he felt guilty immediately after. “Higari?..” Ecto said quietly, his hand lowering

Zeikin offered his colleague a grin, one that looked too wide “Whatever are you talking about Akarui?” He glanced down to Higari who Akarui stood in front of, he shot Zeikin a warning glare while Higari tried to hide himself from the mans sight. “It was but a simple conversation, a time for me to air some..thoughts on your..” Zeikin looked to be struggling to find the right words, everyone’s eyes (minus Higari’s) all on him.

“..new acquaintance-“

Slap

Akarui slapped away the others hand that was gesturing to Higari, eyes boring into him with a look that could kill. Zeikin baffled, pulling his hand back to him while fixing Akarui with a scowl. “I will have you know, that acquaintance you are referring to, has a name.” Zeikin opened his mouth to repomand Akarui for daring to hithim, but Akarui beat him to the punch, not giving him time to find his words.

“And he, Higari, happens to be my sons romantic other, and my son in law” he said sternly, loosing patience, what little of it had left for the fat cat before him.

Zeikin looked caught off guard, not expecting that kind of powerful reply from his work partner. He rose an unimpressed brow, fixing him with an equally icy look, Akarui failed to cower even as Zeikin took a step closer. “How very noble of you Akarui. Always playing the role of hero infront of your son aren’t you” he whispered, Akarui growled, a warning. “Can’t help but want to defend those who feel..out of place-“

Ecto had heard clearly what had been said, his mother gasping quietly. Ecto sneered, and leapt to speak-

“Perhaps I am not making myself clear enough.” Akarui stated calmly, closing his eyes “Allow me to say this once. Nicely.”

White, powerful light suddenly burst from Akauri’s eyes, like the birth of a new star. His eyes glowed hot with the heat of the sun, the light pouring from his eyes startling Zeikin, his own scared reflection staring back at him from Akauri’s empty white eyes. “My sons happiness, means everything to me and my wife. If you ever dare to try and intervene with that again, or try to approach Higari again..” he narrowed his eyes, his eyes glowing brighter, making him appear imposing, powerful. Eventually, Zeikin looked away, accepting defeat “You will be answering to me.”

Akarui blinked, and the light vanished, his cold merciless glare remaining as he fixed Zeikin with another deep frown “Do I make myself clear?”

“....Crystal.”

“Good” Akarui said, his tone to the point. “...I think it’d be better if you took your leave Zeikin” Akarui stepped aside and tilted his head over towards the entrance back inside the building.

Zeikin looked stuck, refusing to admit his loss, he straightened his tie and stood up straight - pretending as though his scare mere minutes ago hadn’t happened “Hm..Yes, maybe I will.” He dusted off his arm, acting aloof “Company in the main hall will be far better then wi-“

“No” Mrs Kurōn, who had remained quite until now fixed the man with her own scowl, Ecto doing the same with his arms wrapped around Higari. “We think you should leave” she repeated. Even Higari was taken aback by her sudden shift in tone, not knowing the gentle women could be capable of sounding angry. Zeikin gawked, working his jaw and looking rapidly between the two, waiting for one of them to admit it was a joke.

“...Hurry along” Akarui said, tilting his head again towards the building, not flinching even as Zeikin got dangerously close to his face to glare at him. Akarui remained standing where he was, before Zeikin, with a small snort, hurried off back inside and out of sight

Akarui let out a breath, shoulders slumping.

“Higari are you okay?” Ecto’s hands cupped Higari’s cheeks, noticing how his eyes looked teary, his worry grew ten fold at the sight as his heart plummeted at seeing him so sad “He didn’t try anything did he?” Ecto shook his head “I shouldn’t have left you alone!..”

“N-No no!” Higari waved his hands, taking Ecto’s hands away from his face as he tried to desperately rid the tears that where close to pouring down his cheeks. “I’m- I-I’m fine, he just..don’t worry about it” Ecto didn’t look convinced, nor did his mother, who’s eyes widened when she caught sight of a single tear falling down his face. “Oh honey..” she quickly pulled a tissue out of her small bag and held it out to him, just as Higari sniffled, the dams beginning to break.

“Come on” Ecto gently held Higari’s hand, the feeling of something familiar, something tender and soft helped calm his racing heart beat. He accepted the tissue, drying his eyes, overcome with embarrassment at being seen crying of all things - he’d only ever cried in front of Ecto and his family back in the country. “Let’s head back inside” Ecto stood and began to guide Higari back towards the building “No point in staying out in the cold”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An hour had passed, Higari was now a little calmer.

He currently sat in the buildings parking lot, having some air, he needed to have a moment to himself to calm down and gather his thoughts. He felt ashamed, feeling to need to walk out of the party to properly calm down. Ecto and his mother had both been understanding aside from their worry, offering to come and keep him company - which he’d politely declined.

And though quite it was around him in the car park, his mind was screaming.

The mans words refused to leave him, and he hated it. He hated how right he was! he hated how out of place he felt just being near a place so fancy and posh, he hated how that small self conscious part of him constantly felt the need to prove his worth when around Ecto’s family, to prove he was more then just some..grungy looking engineer

“Higari?”

Higari pulled his head from his hands and peered up to the side “..Mister Kurōn?” Mr Kurōn walked over to him but kept some space between them for Higari’s sake “I’m sorry, would you mind if I had a word?” He asked, pointing to the space on the edge of the pathway Higari was sitting on. Higari blinked “Uh, sure?” He said

Smiling Mr Kurōn took a place on the floor next to him, arms propped up behind him as he peered up into the sky, as if looking for stars. Higari gave him a sideways glance, before slowly looking away, tensing up, he really hoped he hadn’t come to talk about what had happened

“...How..” Higari nervously cracked his fingers, an old habit he’d developed since he was at UA. He didn’t want to talk about what had happened, but there was one thing he wanted to know “...How much did you hear?..”

“...Enough..”

Higari chewed his gum, all of sudden very interested in the floor as he avoided making eye contact with the older man.

“Higari?” Mr Kurōn was the first to break the silence, finally turning to Higari “May I ask you a..personal question?” He asked, watching Higari’s reaction carefully to make sure he didn’t step on a nerve. Higari turned to him, raising a brow “...Okay?” He said, slightly unsure

Mr Kurōn hummed, looking away again “...I don’t think there’s any way I can put this lightly” he admitted, Higari felt nervous at that. Mr Kurōn turned back to Higari and narrowed his eyes just a tiny bit, trying to read Higari as though he was a book. Higari felt his shoulders tense, after what had happened he’d been put off curious or studying gazes, and probably would be put of them for a while-

“Are you scared of me?”

Higari’s brain buffered, not quite understanding the question at first. Mr Kurōn said nothing, not removing his eyes from Higari as he waited for an answer. “.....Uh, well-“ Higari scratched at his neck “I don’t think- I...I wouldn’t say scared..” Higari admitted quietly, hand moving to tug at some strands of hair “I just..Uh..Well, I wanna make sure I don’t..” Higari’s tone became close to a mumble, yet Mr Kurōn continued to be patient “I just...really don’t want you two to be disappointed, I guess. I mean-..I don’t know the first thing about all...this” he gestured to his suit “I can’t make heads or tails or fancy of cocktails or caviar! A work bench and tools, a construction sight and mapping out underground tunnels, machine parts and dirty oil rags- those things I get!”

Higari had only opened up his worries about Ecto’s parents to Ecto himself, but before he knew was what happening, his worries where spilling from his mouth before he could stop them.

“And when I found you’d sent me an invite to this event too, I was...I didn’t want you to be..” Higari looked ashamed to even finish his sentence, and sheepishly turned his head away from Mr Kurōn to try and hide from his gaze “E-Embarressed by me..what that guy, Uh, Zeikin said. I..I hate to admit it but, most of what he said, ‘bout me being...insecure...most of it, held..some truth”

After he was finished there was a lengthy silence, then Mr Kurōn hummed, Higari tugged harder at his hair “.....Ekuto, he always tells us how happy you make him” he smiled, peering off at nothing before he smiled down at Higari “In school, at UA, I don’t think he had many friends” he said, shrugging “He didn’t really talk about it much with me and his mother, he always assured he had friends but, never wanted them round....Then you came along!” His smile widened, the light seeming to come back to his face “You where the first person from school that seemed to have changed him for the better! He was always so happy when he came back from school each day, after spending it with the mysterious friend he had”

Another pause

“...Do you make Ekuto happy?” He asked, looking to Higari.

Higari wasn’t sure if this was a trick question, so answered with a nervous “I...I like to think I do”

“You think?” Mr Kurōn titled his head “Or you know?”

“....I know” Higari said “...I really want to make Ecto happy, I try to keep him happy!”

Mr Kurōn seemed pleased with that answer “Then why would we want you to be some else?” He asked, leaning forward.

Higari’s eyes widened, his eyes darting up to him to see if what he had said was genuine. Mr Kurōn held nothing but honesty on his face, no trace of a facade or act anywhere, just..a genuine smile

he rose his brow at Higari, as if his thought on the matter should have been obvious.

“..I-I..” Higari tripped over his words, stuttering like a fool “I-I-..I-Uh..T-That’s-“

“You have nothing to prove Higari” Mr Kurōn insisted, saying the words he knew Higari needed to hear - and probably wanted to hear for a long time. He placed his hand on Higari’s shoulder, giving him a friendly shake “You are very easily likeable!”

If Higari’s eyes had been wide before, now they had shot open to the size of plates. Turquoise pupils staring at Mr Kurōn in shock, mouth hung open in a small o shape, causing Mr Kurōn to chuckle a little. Higari’s mouth snapped shut, realising he must have been gawking in his surprise. “Uhm-that’s-“ Higari turned away, feeling embarrassed, praying it wasn’t as obvious as if felt “T-Thank you..”

“You’re welcome”

Me Kurōn stood to his feet, stretching his arms out above his head before they flopped to his side, hands resting in his pockets “Hm..I think I’ve had enough of parties for one evening” He stated, looking down to Higari who craned his neck just to peer up at him. “Why don’t we all go out, get some proper food - my treat!” He said “...It’s the least I could do to make up for what happened. I can assure you, Zeikin will not be hosting business with us any time soon”

He offered out a hand “Come on, let’s not hang around in the cold. Besides-“ he looked back in the direction of the building “Ecto is starting to get worried, I’m sure you know at this point how he can be when worried”

....Higari chuckled, letting Mr Kurōn help pull him to his feet “Yeah” he said with a nod “He can be a bit of a worry wort” he admitted with a laugh, Mr Kurōn joining in lightly.

One meal later and drinks down at a small pub and Higari was feeling more like himself, the way he’d always tense up when Ecto’s parents so much as looked his way vanished entirely, for the whole evening he seemed to forget all about trying to uphold a certain image in front of them. He’d had a drink, he’d ordered what he wanted, he’d taken off his bow and untucked his shirt - and he’d had fun!

He and Ecto returned to the hotel room, and flopped back tiredly onto the hotel bed in sync “Well..” Ecto said, eyes on the ceiling “That was...something” he said. Higari hummed, eyes closed behind his frazzled hair, he’d given up trying to keep it neat once they’d all gone out for food. Shyly, Ecto peered down to his partner, nagging guilt knawing at his consciousness “Higari I...I’m so sorry about what ha-“

He was silenced when Higari had lazily shuffled his way up the bed and smashed a kiss confidently to Ecto’s lips. Half of Ecto’s next words where muffled into the kiss, body jolting on the bed before he kissed back. Higari pulled away, leaving Ecto wide eyed, red faced and panting

“Ecto...” Higari let himself become comfy on top of Ecto’s chest, nuzzling his nose into the crook of his neck as he let out a sigh “I’m fine, really” he said “You don’t have to worry about me all the time..” he reassured, still half sprawled ontop of him while Ecto peered to him “B-But-“

Higari gently pressed a finger to Ecto’s mouth “Shhhh..” he gently shushed him, his eyelids feeling heavy as his body registered how tired he was from the night out “We’re good Ecto, I’m good, you’re parents are good..” he slowly slid off Ecto’s chest, curling up into his side like a puppy, his body unconsciously seeking out Ecto’s warmth “In fact, despite what happened..” Higari smiled up at his boyfriend “...I really enjoyed tonight!”

Ecto blinked, not used to seeing Higari act so soft, but a tender smile soon took its place on his face “...I’m glad” his hand moved to Higari’s hair, sweeping aside his fringe to peer down into Higari’s half lidded sleepy eyes. He pressed another one of his kisses to Higari’s cheek, his heart jumping in his chest at the giggle Higari let out

He pressed another kiss to Higari’s other cheek, Higari let out a snicker.

Ecto pressed one of his kisses to Higari’s nose, Higari bit his lip to try and stifle his laughter.

Ecto then moved to Higari’s neck, where he knew he was terribly sensitive. So when he nuzzled his face into the crook of his neck, Higari let out an honest god squeal from shock - Ecto could hardly contain himself as he chuckled, before counting his nuzzling assault on his small husband who cackled and tried to escape Ecto’s death trap hug “Ectooo!~”

Maybe people like Zeikin would have his opinions, no questions there: but you know what, if Ecto and his parents loved him the way he was

Why should he care anyway??

#im so excited to post this #This was so much fun to write!#Also had a tone of fun writing the scenes at the start and end with Higari and Ecto #im soft for these two they’re adorable! ❤️#ectoloader #powerloader #ectoplasm #mha

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lazydoodlesandfanfic · 3 years

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Oh god the waiting list 🙄 that's why it was so annoying when my high school were being difficult with it. It took ages to get that far in the process and then we needed my school to fill out a form and they were like "uh-huh yeah definitely" and then in the middle of the summer holidays we got a letter from CAMHS basically saying that if they didnt get the letter by the end of the 2nd week back after summer finished then they would close my case which would have meant that I had to start the entire process again from the beginning. Luckily we got it done but it was annoying all the same. My high school kept insisting to us that they'd tried to send it even to the point that one of the staff apparently drove all the way there to hand it in herself, and then when it was finally in after my first session with the lady she showed my mum because she wanted to know what they said (bc said school had a track record of saying that theres nothing wrong with me I'm just quiet) and it was dated like 4 days before, not the months that they had claimed 🤦🏻‍♀️

Yeah, schools also don't help. I remember in mine when a registered nurse who was visiting to give vaccinations realised I needed help she arranged counselling for me through the school (that woman handled the situation is the best way, I can't fault her, I think about her a lot) but the counsellor the school provided me was very clearly underqualified and not prepared for the shit I needed to talk about, and after the second session which was just me showing her my art since that was the only thing she was comfortable talking about, she never booked another session and therefor all help halted until I reached out for help again years later in college.

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figula · 3 years

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today -

1. annoyingly i have to pay £200+ in national insurance contributions this week, bc my profits were over 6k btwn 2020-21, and there’s no amount of creative accounting that can get them below that number lol. really annoying bc i didnt have to pay last year and im p sure they still were in 2019-20 as well. next year is gonna be a fucking nightmare w/ all the additional ch/ess money tbh. (like an extra £4000) i would be more annoyed + upset about this but after ana’s 6k extravaganza i dont think i have the right anymore hahahahah

2. yesterday i had the most awkward experience with a postman that im still thinking about. i had booked a collection, but i was expecting the woman we usually get, so i was already a bit confused when i opened the door to just see a ginger man in a hi-vis vest. and to make matters worse he just shouted at quite significant volume “BUENOS DIAS!!!!” and i was literally just so baffled that i said nothing, not even like “haha hello”, stood absolutely silently while staring at him, and we both just sort of stared at each other in excrutiating silence until he went, “er, collection?” at which point i realised what was going on and recovered my faculties somewhat. i just cannot overestimate the bafflement i felt at being shouted at “BUENOS DIAS!” upon opening my door

3. im feeling a bit “argh” about cancer again, ive got some very mild pain that comes and goes in my left boob, but it’s the week before my period so like... yea... not exactly a shocker. (cant feel any lumps either) i really need to send back the forms about the genetic predisposition to breast cancer that i may well have (everyone on my mum’s side gets it) but there is this really unhelpful mental block that i have about it. im really frightened to step any further into the cancer world. and it’s genuinely so silly, because of hereditary cancers, breast cancer is one of the better ones to have. like i would be happy to get a mastectomy at some point, i would be happy to get an oophorectomy at some point, i would be happy to get yearly mamograms, i would be happy to be vigilant, and all this shit means that unless i got incredibly unlucky i should be ok. like my mum has had breast cancer twice, both times caught really early bc of her gung-ho approach to it, and is now in her 60s and still (that we know of) cancer free, never needed chemo or anything like that. so like - it doesnt have to be a death sentence. and i KNOW that! but there is just this terror of engaging w/ it :/

i’ve actually filled the forms out apart from one section - my weight - which is another massive mental block. i think genuinely im just gonna make up a number. but yea all i need to do is scan them / send a copy to my doctor / and send them back to the genetics unit in birmingham. and that’s IT. and then they decide what they should do w/ me. id be astonished if they didnt think yearly mammograms were appropriate tho - altho idk if they do them this young, i think my mum started at like 40

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pseudophan · 4 years

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can you tell us the summary of your love of your lives case? I don’t wanna watch the video I don’t have the patience to watch it

it's such a complicated case but in short(ish):

1993 in west memphis arkansas, three eight year old boys go missing and are later found murdered in the woods. the community is freaking the fuck out and because it's 1993 small town arkansas and satanic panic is sweeping the nation people go ITS SATANISM IT WAS A SATANIC RITUAL and the police keep interviewing this 18 year old named damien echols because he was into witchcraft and listened to metallica and wore all black (genuine points brought up in court like this is what the entire case is built on). im skipping some details here cause its all oh so convoluted but basically they eventually interrogate a 17 year old named jessie miskelley jr who confesses to the crime and implicates damien and damien's best friend jason baldwin (16, looks about 11). so then ofc they all get arrested

issue is: jessie is a minor with a reported iq of 72 and they interrogated him non stop for 12 hours with no parent or attorney present (his dad agreed to let them speak to him but they didnt tell him it was an interrogation) and less than an hour of it was recorded. jessie claims the cops coerced him into his confession and even on the 40 something minutes of interrogation we do have available to listen to you can hear the cops just continuously leading him on like theyll ask when this happened and he says a time and they go no the kids were in school then it was later wasnt it and he's like yeah it was [later time] and theyre like no it was around 8 wasnt it? and hes like yeah yeah it was then and it goes on like that foreverrrrr

ok im getting into too much detail here im sorry theres so much more anyway anyway TRIALS HAPPEN and its all a whole bunch of bullshit and hbo recorded it all for hit documentary paradise lost (watch it) and hhhooooooly shit!

theres way too much to talk about w the trial but besides everyone being fucking cracked and damien being a smartass and the judge looking bored out of his goddamn mind throughout the whole thing (FUCK that judge) one notable part that didnt come out until later is that during jury selection this one guy was hell bent on getting on the jury cause he wanted them convicted and not only was he let on the jury he became the jury foreman which goes against like every law cause juries are supposed to go into court with no preconceived notions of what happened. also jessie had a separate trial cause he wouldnt testify against jason and damien which means his "confession" wasnt admissible in their trial and the jury werent allowed to consider it, but the jury actively discussed the confession while making their decision (jury members have said they did + it was written on their goddamn whiteboard) which. h

ANYWAYYY so jessie and jason get life in prison without the possibility of parole and damien gets sentenced to death. damien is 19 at this point with a newborn baby. jason isnt even 18.

so then they go away and the documentary paradise lost comes out and everyone collectively loses their goddamn fucking minds cause how the fuck did this happen they didnt even have a single piece of actual evidence except a piece of hair that MAY match damien but also its the early 90s and they dont actually have a fucking clue

years go by, everythings happening so much, their appeals get shot down one by one cause its the same fucking judge and ofc hes not gonna admit any fault. the public suspect john mark byers (rest in peace he died like a month ago in a traffic accident, btw he also didnt do it but thats also a lot to go into. interesting guy, definitely inbred, violent tendencies but not a murderer) one of the kids' stepdads (technically adoptive dad cause he legally adopted the kid after he married his mum but hes generally referred to as his stepdad) of having done it cause hes fucking massive and is quite possibly the most colourful character ive seen in my life like that guy had no idea what was going on ever and he was hell bent on the teens having done it and wanted to kill them all UNTIL! until. 2007, they test the dna in the case and SHOCKINGLY turns out none of the west memphis 3's dna is anywhere to be found, the shit they had that could be damien's turns out to not even remotely match him in the slightest and suddenly theyre there like. well. now theres nothing. and yet theyre still in prison cause everyone who got them convicted is like NO THEY DID IT :) but the public outrage is so much by this point and finally they get to take it to the supreme court who take one look at it and are literally like ??? what the fuck happened here give them a new trial what the literal hell (theres a video of it their faces are literally so funny they all look like they absolutely cannot believe this required their help) so in 2011 they finally have the opportunity to retrial with a new judge but SUDDENLY the state of arkansas go um actually we are gonna offer you an alford plea which basically means they legally plead guilty to the charges while still saying they didnt do it and then they get let out but the state wont have to admit fault or reopen the case cause in their eyes these three are still guilty but theyre gonna let them out anyway cause that makes a whole lot of sense i guess. lol basically the state realised there was a real chance they could get exonerated in which case they were gonna get sued to hell and back and went FUCK give them a deal

now jason didnt want to take the deal he wanted to wait for the new trial and risk getting found guilty again cause he said this isnt justice for the kids cause the real killer or killers are still free and its not justice for us cause we have to plead guilty to save the asses of the system that failed us all BUT all three of them have to agree for it to be valid and damien's execution date, which he's already narrowly avoided on several occasions like its already been postponed multiple times, is once again coming up and if the new trial somehow goes wrong and hes sent back to death row he's gonna be killed so jason decided fuck all of that and agreed to the plea exclusively to save damien which ok ride or die king

i havent gone into who really did it cause once again there is SO much but the majority of people think it was terry hobbs (the stepdad of another one of the victims) including the kid's mother whos now his ex wife who he abused to no end. theres a Lot to this theory and while theres no concrete evidence cause they did a shittyass job with everything theres already more dna linking him to the scene than the teens. god i really wanna go into everything that points to terry being at least somehow involved but this has already gotten so out of hand

anyway follow damienechols on instagram all he does is post about witchcraft and cats. also watch the hbo paradise lost trilogy and west of memphis. and if u want even more details listen to the three true crime garage episodes on the case. also theres books. theres so much. i have so much more to say. someone stop me

#answered

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rockets-and-raccoons · 4 years

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My mum knew when I was really young that I wasnt straight. Not that she consciously recognised it. I was the child she constantly told that love was love. I could love whoever I wanted and that was okay. I was the child that was constantly told by my parents that gays deserved rights and that they would always love me no matter what. I was the child they excitedly told when gay marriage finally became legal.

I grew up repressed with severe internalized homophobia issues. To the point where to this day I still severely struggle with it.

My grandad doesnt believe in gay rights. He thinks it's a phase. That these people are ill. The village I grew up in was very Christian. Being gay was wrong. It was disgusting. Gay people needed serious mental help (ironically half the people my age that grew up there have turned out to be part of the lgbtq+ community).

I went to high school in the neighbouring city. Where everyone around me talked about how disgusting being gay is. The fear of a gay person in the changing rooms was talking about constantly. Gay adoption and marriage was considered wrong. Liking people of the same sex was considered disgusting and uncomfortable.

I was terrified everytime I had to get changed for pe. I was terrified to just look at other girls. And it didnt help that the majority of my friends were boys. I didnt spend much time with girls. The one girl I was good friends with- was suddenly the source of rumours. Everyone at school knew before I did. Talked about if before I accepted it.

She's gay.

I denied it. I didn't believe I was for a second. Did everything I possibly could to prove I wasn't. And yet for my last 2 years at school everyone made jokes about my sexuality. Told me I was gay and in love with my friend. (Maybe I was. Maybe I wasn't. I refused to process my emotions properly back then.) They joked about how I was only straight until I was horny. That I was so obviously gay. But it was a joke. A mocking thing that made me feel so horrific that I did awful, horrific things to prove everyone wrong. Things I have to live with, that i hate myself for. Just becaus every time someone suggested I might be gay, all I could think of was 'it's so wrong.' 'Its disgusting' 'its cruel to children to be raised by gay parents' '1 in 5 people are gay, I sure as hell hope it's never going to be me' 'nobody wants to be gay, it's an illness.' 'I cant be around gay people, they make me uncomfortable' 'they'll stare at you in the changing rooms' 'they'll force themselves on you'

I still cant share a bed with another girl without being terrified. I cant be in the same room as another woman getting changed - I havent had to deal with PE in a decade. Havent heard those whispers in a decade.

Every time I become friends with another girl I'm terrified of what will happen when they find out I'm gay. I can't connect with them properly.

And sometimes. Sometimes I just truly hate myself. I hate the fact I find women attractive. That I'd rather spend the rest of my life with a woman rather than a man. Sometimes, often, I still find that disgust curling up in my stomach.

It doesnt matter that I dont live there anymore. That I now live somewhere so open and so easy to accept everyone and anyone. It doesnt matter that I've admitted it to myself, my family, and my friends. That I tell people so easily, I'm gay.

I'm still terrified of what would happen if people from my home found out. I still hear their conversations. Their mocking words. I still feel the effects of their homophobia. And sometimes I still wish I could pretend I was straight.

I was lucky to be born into such an open and accepting family. But by god, I wish I'd been brought up where I live now. I wish I didnt lie in bed hating myself so much at times. I wish I could be at peace with who I am. Rather than wishing I could go back in time and somehow change myself.

I remember telling my mum I was gay, and her not understanding why I was so distraught. Because 'you should know by now I love you no matter what' - and I didnt know how to tell her society, my friends, our community, were all going to despise me. Hate me. Tell me I told you so. I told my dad minutes after he said he wished his daughters were gay bc he hated dealing with the heterosexual drama and boyfriends. He couldn't understand why I was crying, because he wanted gay children. He had told me my whole life he would always love me no matter what. I was free to love whoever I wanted. And I didnt know how to tell him the world made me feel like I was disgusting and wrong and my existence was even worse than that of rapists.

And my grandpa, who I dont get on with, who doesnt really like me, who I was sure hated the gay community (and he has since admitted that if it was years prior he would have disowned me over sexuality) emailed me to tell me he was proud of me, that being gay wasnt wrong and he had been wrong about how he felt about the lgbtq+ community.

My grandad still thinks I'm going through a phase.

My best friend came out to me in tears, telling me he wished he had known we were both struggling, so we could have at least had each other.

When I finally told my other friends. There was no 'I told you so's' suddenly talking about sexuality wasnt a thing. It was a taboo topic nobody wanted to deal with. The girl everyone joked I was in love with, slowly disappeared from my life.

It's funny until it's true. And that's when you really realise the jokes were really, truly jokes. They didnt believe what they were saying. They just enjoyed the rise they got out of you.

And when I think about being a teenager. Despite the fact its ten years long. The only thing I can truly remember is the internal and external homophobia. Everything else feels hazy. The good times. The bad. It's all a fog that's over-taken by the self-loathing that I still carry.

I wish I could tell my teenage self that it gets better.

I wish my parents would believe me when I tell them I dont blame them for living where they did. We couldn't afford to move. They loved me, they love me, and that's what matters.

I wish I hadnt spent so long chanting 'I'm not gay' before bed. Because I knew from the age of 13, and spent the rest of my teen years in denial. Telling myself I was wrong.

But then I see my sister. My sister who is 10 years younger than me. Who had a big sister come out when she was just 8 years old (I came out at 18, yet spent a further 2 years trying to prove I wasnt. I came out too early. But I figured myself out. Accepted myself more, with the help of my family, and my best friend). She has grown up with more progressive media. Has moved to a more progressive place. Hell, her school has an lgbtq+ club. She has one (1) straight friend. She came out as bisexual at 12. But the older shes getting she thinks that her male crushes were caused by heteronormality and she thinks she might be gay. And shes open. Shes proud. Shes unapologetic in who and what she is.

I think about my self hatred. My self-loathing. About my internalised homophobia. I think of every night I spent lying in bed thinking 'One in five people is gay, it's not me. It won't be me. I'm not gay.' And I look at my little, wonderfully, unapologetically herself, little sister. And I think, that every struggle I've ever been through is worth it. If she gets to feel proud of herself because I've come out. Because my parents had to move bc of me. Because I've done everything I can to support her. To love her. To pretend to love myself for who I am in front of her.

Every day I struggle, I think to myself she doesnt have to. I'm one of the last millennials. She's gen z. And shes not my kid. But theres such a large age gap that I feel that generational difference. And I can't have children of my own. And suddenly, I find myself understand what my parents mean when they say that their suffering was worth it whenever they see us gain something out of it. Making things easier for someone you love, for someone so young, it makes it almost feel like it was worth it.

That trauma is going to stay with me. But my coming out too early, is what had my sister questioning her own sexuality. And it happened early enough in her life. She was questioning it before she hit her teens. She told me she knew she liked girls before she hit ten. But she wasnt too sure what that meant. And she wa worried because biphobia in our family is bad. But the we moved away. And she was watching adventure time and steven universe. And I was suddenly openly accepting myself and flirting with girls. And making jokes about my sexuality. And she came out. So young. So proud. And my parents were accepting of her bisexuality (albeit worried about how the rest of the family would react). And I did what I could to support her. Buying badges and flags and taking her to pride. And now shes come out as fully gay and I'm so happy and hoe safe she felt her journey has been. That at 15 she isnt scared to tell her friends (and they're not afraid to tell her). At 15 she might actually have a girlfriend. And shes been to pride. Goes to pride.

And I am so, so proud of her.

I would love to go back in time and tell myself that it's okay to accept who I am. But I cant.

But my sister grew up knowing it was okay to accept who she was. And my coming out helped my best friend accept who he was.

I didnt have any lgbtq+ friends growing up (that I knew about). There were no clubs. No tv shows. My only support was my mum and my dad.

My sister has a club. She has our family. Her friends. Her school (no awful changing room comments. No snide remarks) She has an open and accepting community. I feel so relieved that she'll (hopefully, pls universe, be kind to her) never have the same experiences I did.

#this is a shitty rant #i dont know where my head is tonight #i guess im just depressed #and wanting hugs #and its that stupid anniversary coming up #so i guess im hating myself a little more #my sister just recame out last week #so maybe that also is playing a part #im so proud of her #i love her #ignore #long post

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lanamemories2 · 4 years

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rides onto the dash nude n on horseback like this pic of sam way. oh fancy seeing u here.......... im impeccably tensed our entire exchange. buns like steel cld crack a nut open between them. i’m nai n it’s so nice to meet u all!!!! i’m one of the admins here (josefine frida pettersen on the main) n i’m so Excited 2 get things going........... some facts abt me r i sometimes hv a witch’s cackle, i once drunkenly swung frm a tree branch pretending to b tarzan n fell n grass stained my fav jeans at 4 in the morning n i lov spicy food despite the fact it mkes me sweat like a hog in the sun. more abt lana under the cut!!! also like this or hmu if u wna plot n her pinterest is here n playlist is here 👺🌚

「kristine froseth & cis-female」⇾ jameson , lana, the junior radcliffe student’s records show that she is a gemini and 22 years old. she is studying dance, living in off campus and can be vivacious, passionate, childish & impulsive. when i see her i am reminded of stepping out in the cold wearing just a red slip, lipstick on a stranger’s throat, a bumper sticker on the back of a convertible cadillac that says ‘SCRAPPY DOO IS A FILTHY SLUT’. ⇽「nai & 23 & gmt & she/her.」

AESTHETICS:

scalding your fingers in shower water until they glow like rudolph’s nose, cherry red gym socks tugged high and nothing else, stepping out in the cold wearing just a red slip, an origami swan made from an old receipt, tickling a stranger’s chin with the end of a feather boa, crowning each finger with a miniature raspberry, hugging a knee close to lick a stripe of fruit juice off a bruise there, doodling penises in the condensation of a car window, a water pistol topped with rum and covered in glittery pin-up stickers, believable smiles that feel more like baring teeth, a bumper sticker on the back of a convertible cadillac that says ‘SCRAPPY DOO IS A FILTHY SLUT’, prancing around in your underwear to a vinyl record with the curtains open.

HISTORY:

lana grew up in a big house in albany, NY. albums framed on the walls. mayb some rolling stone covers too frm way bk when of the bands her dad’s label signed. kind of like… a rock star palace w no evidence of children at all. i think i summarised it best in one of lana’s self paras once when i said the garden ws “as big as it was unloved”, not that u wld know from all of the gardener’s pruning

lana’s mum victoria (vic) ws a music journalist w a pretty fruitful career ahead of her when she met lana’s dad richard (rich). his record label ws jst starting out, founded on the coattails of his rich best friend’s (jensen peters) investment w his other best friend (who he jst calls knoxville). it rocketed to success when they signed poppy injects, a rock band w an electric stage presence, n victoria ws drawn to the glitz n glamour of a man tht ws at the helm of his aspiring industry. their love ws very impulsive, all or nothing right frm the start, n it ws almost like she ws mre in love w his accomplishments n what he represented than him

anyway so jameson records repped a few big rock bands bk in the eighties, altho poppy injects r who they’re mostly known fr, namely bc of hw brightly they crashed n burned. (drugs/addiction tw) they were a big chart success bt the lead singer hd quite an intense struggle w heroin (wsnt rly subtle abt it either while he ws in the public eye as u cn probably imagine frm such an on-the-nose band name) n he ws always in n out of the papers. it eventually brought down his career n it ws a big publicity nightmare

lana pretty much… grew up around figures like this throughout childhood. rly troubled characters who wld kind of… b extremely volatile n destructive abt their troubles. the jameson house was kind of an open one as welcoming clients went n a lot of parties took place there. a lot of the time musicians wld b snorting lines in the kitchen when she wnted to grab a bowl of cereal fr breakfast. very strange environment fr a child to grow up in

her parents always kind of jst… didn’t like her much. her older brother caleb ws unplanned bt they sort of welcomed the surprise more bt… quickly realised they weren’t cut out fr parenthood n then when lana came as another surprise 3 yrs later they didn’t even try to hide their resentment abt the situation. her mum ws actually booked in to have an abortion bt cldnt go through with it at the last minute. once when lana asked her why shes so cold towards her she jst turned her head frm her dresser, looked at her, told her abt this n said “idk why i didn’t go”. lana didn’t kno wht to say to tht so she jst left her room n closed the door

(dissociation/delusion tw) bc of this growing up lana adopted this weird like…. she didn’t rly kno what it ws bt it ws a delusion of sorts where she thought she ws a ghost. she’d jst sort of… drift around the halls w noone acknowledging her n sometimes she ws jst convinced she wsnt actually there or they cldnt see her n she ws jst haunting the house frm a previous family

the one saving grace tho tht sort of?? gt her thru this n made her feel Seen ws caleb. lana quite genuinely hs always thought the sun shines out of her older brothers ass like she jst thinks. hes the best person in the entire world. wld b rly bewildered if anyone questioned tht. he wld always look out for her in the zoo they called a home n cut the crusts off her PBJs so they lkd like teddy bears (he’d cook fr them most of the time bc their parents were too busy/didn’t care to) n sometimes wld even sleep at the bottom of her bed curled up like a guard dog. it ws always lana n caleb n his best friend tommy against the world in tht house (tommy lived next door n was always over bc he had very strict parents / a military father tht he found suffocating)

SO when caleb n tommy announced tht they’d signed up to the army lana ws understandably…….. blindsided. she ws rly upset tht they were leaving like pretty besides herself bt she tried not to b mad at them n made them promise theyd b safe n back as soon as possible. she even asked if they cld somehow take her w them n they were jst like :/ it doesn’t work that way luv x

(death tw, ptsd tw, grief tw, trauma tw, hospitalisation tw, drugs tw) anyway caleb ended up getting discharged under grounds of severe ptsd when he witnessed tommy die in an explosion tht took place in a shock raid. caleb returned home sans tommy bt he was never the same after tht. he’s been in n out of hospital n he turned to using as a way to cope so it’s been a rly bumpy road since. lana kind of felt like two of her brothers died out there in a way n jst like tht it wasn’t them vs the world any mre, it was jst her

ANYWAY whew tht rly…. took a dark turn there….. chuckles nervously at hw sad lana’s life is bt it’s fine it’s all fINE!!!!!!! ok. so on a mre lighthearted note the jameson family r pretty well off n bc of her relation to such a big music industry figure she’s hung out w a fair few relatively high rep ppl thru her teens. mostly kids of celebrities n stuff like tht. she amassed kind of an instagram following mainly fr her style (penny lane-esque in some aspects aka lots of fur cuff trimmed jackets bt then also jst…. a wild combination of everything honestly. pastel faux fur coats, seventies style platforms, flame red cowboy boots, pink fishnet tights n glitter used like highlight Everywhere) n bc she’s undeniably Pretty Gorl

(trauma tw) after caleb got back he was rly withdrawn n depressed. he shut lana out n was kind of harsh to her a lot of the time, always telling her to leave him alone or pushing her away. it didnt help either tht lana had a rly traumatic experience w some of her dad’s colleagues at the label when she ws 16 n he was away n she cldnt even tell him abt it once he was bk bc of his own traumas. she kind of jst shut it all in n kept it to herself

(hypersexuality tw) this obviously?? made her spiral a lot. she was already a girl tht loved sex but since her trauma it got…. completely out of hand. it got to a point where she couldnt rly go 2 days without it, probably not even 1. her lowest point has probably been scrolling thru craiglist for anonymous encounters n meeting up w strangers on there fr hookups even tho it’s insanely dangerous n she cld wind up getting herself killed. the risk is honestly part of the appeal to her sometimes she’s :////// quite self destructive n jst likes a thrill to mke her feel Alive. it’s v clear at this point tht she has a sex addiction whether she’s ever admitted it or not. it kind of… almost mingled w tht same feeling she used to get when she ws younger of being a ghost?? like she jst. only rly feels Real when she’s being touched

(violence tw) she’s had.................... SCH a bad history dating wise. she almost always dates fking.... actual beasts like i jst wna gently shake her by the shoulders sometimes bt :////////////// one of her recent exes is in prison aftr he beat up someone she’d slept w in front of her like she jst. has had a very Not Sexy time w romance...... she hd to b a witness in the trial abt it n he ws found guilty n sent down so it ws like Intense n a gd example of the kinds of disastrous relationships she gets herself into. perks of being a wallflower voice: We Accept The Love We Think We Deserve.

this past summer she gt a job at a burlesque club in downtown lovell!!! it honestly is her dream job like. dancing? being sexy? fav hobbies................. most delicious pastimes... 10/10 ideal fr her............... she almost started working at a coyote ugly bar bt this one won her over. she usually jets off to some foreign country n has a rly exotic n action packed summer bt i think she wldv just been working local there fr this one to b close to her brother (the rehab he’s at is close like a 40 min drive so!). she’s also moved into a big lofty apartment w 3 roommates tht’s above a chinese take out w lots of lanterns hung outside. the street? scott street......................... tribute to mizz phoebe bridgers hunger games salutes to the sky so it travels 2 her............. she gt a red heart shaped bath tub installed which hs always been her dream so honestly the summer hs been pretty gd to her....... five stars on yelp she deserves Some happiness once in a while

PERSONALITY:

always smells vaguely of wild cherries or strawberry starburst or jst the candy aisle in general. if she ws a vinyl record she’d b this one n she’d only play good vibrations by the beach boys, dancing on my own by robyn, play that funky music by wild cherry, femme fatale by the velvet underground n (i can’t get no) satisfaction by the rolling stones

growing up lana was always a HUGE social butterfly. knew everyone n everyone knew her. she ws one of those girls tht ws kind of impossible to ignore or forget (cld b a gd or bad thing depends on ur Stance...... she can be a lot tho frankly). very animated, always made u feel like u were the centre of the universe whenever she spoke to u, always made it feel like u were best friends even if ud only spoken to her once.

deliberately puts on tht kind of Magnetic Alluring act tht femme fatales wear in movies sometimes. kind of…. is always playing A Role of the person tht she wants to b seen as or the person she feels ppl want her to be. chameleons to situations. feels like she’s performed as the vivacious n fun loving Lana Jameson fr so long tht she doesn’t rly kno who she is beneath tht bt she isn’t too keen to find out

always the last one awake at the party. jst doesn’t seem to hv.... an off switch. every1 else cld b passed out at 6am n she’d still b swaying around to sunday morning by the velvet underground in her underwear drinking frm a bottle of merlot

she’s always been rly spontaneous n adventurous. always doing something weird n wild every weekend. she has ten thousand ridiculously absurd n chaotic stories

uncontrollably flirty. she’s tht tumblr post tht’s like flirting will b ur hubris n the reply is like kind of sexy of u to say so................ SO confident cld talk to anyone. makes a joke out of anything. tends to laugh when she feels like crying. even if she DOES cry she’ll smile thru it like it isn’t happening she jst.... doesn’t like to b negative ever if she cn help it

she’s amassed a weird collection of like... Things various ppl she’s known hv made abt her. this guy she ws friends w wrote a song abt her n performed it at a gig she went to without telling her in advance. it ws rly dramatic he sang it n looked at her the whole time n she ws jst a bit like.... omg.... lmfao............... she’s also hd various paintings done of her. i honestly dnt even rly kno hw it happens she jst has a personality where she..... leaves an impression like a lipstick print on a white shirt w some ppl.................. she’s like tht tumblr post where someone arrives at a poetry reading n is like hi yes........ where do the muses sit? except she isn’t rly.... obnoxious abt it she jst shrugs n is like.......... oh that........... KJHSFKHGSFKGHSFKGSFHGK. it’s a charmed life fr some

always dapples her fingers thru the breeze when she’s driving in a car w the window down. she almost always has some sort of sweet on her, whether it’s sour haribo cherries or strawberry lollipops.

PLOTS:

exes tht lana’s fucked over hideously. she’d probably cheat a lot and it’d be a whole…mess. whips her in the town square like gale

mayb someone tht flipped the switch and cheated on her??? chaos. anguish. strife.

someone tht works at the burlesque club in downtown lovell w her!!!!! as like a bartender or another dancer or security or................... whtvr honestly. hvn’t worked out a name fr the club yet bt i think it cld b a fun setting to write stuff in n there cld b lots to build off there!!

a cousin plot cld b fun too

her n freya nilsen run smthn called Dick Sisters Inc......... they hv a twitter fr it n everything.... n a hq based in one of the abandoned dorms in the leach building.... lots of inflatable furniture disco balls.............. lana even gt replica airplane seats so they cn sit n b served drinks by this guy tht runs errands fr them who they call bucket....... they bsically like. set ppl up n help ppl get laid it’s a matchmaking service of sorts.......... started as a joke bt nw it’s genuinely become quite a profitable business w word spreading all over campus........ ugh entrepreneurial icons... anyway mayb ur chara cld come to lana fr Dick Sisters assistance......... mayb they’v come to them in the past.........

a friend tht lana fel out w bc she slept w their significant other.

someone tht’s getting lana into drugs?? she’s kind of impressionable/down for anything so tht’s a likely scenario she’d get into tbh

briefly did camgirl stuff on an independent bt up n coming porn site....... titters.......... mayb ur muse used a pseudonym n recognises lana frm it bt is too embarrassed to admit they were subscribed............ mayb they happened upon her on there once n nw r jst like. what do i do w this knowledge. idk cld b fun to work around perhaps

an unrequited crush!! (either way is cool)

someone tht is just hanging out w her/using her bc she has a lot of instagram followers or they want to b signed to her dad’s label

someone in a band!! she’d probably make like penny lane n b their groupie/sleep w them all i won’t lie to u. relentless.....

umm a good influence too mayb?

honestly?? anything is fine i cld ramble for days. mayb even one of the high profile kids she grew up hangin w idk. world’s our oyster fellas!

#ruhqintro #hypersexuality tw #trauma tw #hospitalisation tw #violence tw #death tw #grief tw #ptsd tw #dissosciation tw #drugs tw #addiction tw #god.... wipes sweat frm my brow after all those tws...... i promise they're all just rly briefly touched upon bt better to b safe than sry!!#also this is truly so long bt............ growls n smirks simultaneously

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elizawright · 4 years

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Other Experiences

Interviews with other women with Aspergers

Source: Aspergers Uk Facebook Community

I noticed while being on the group most of the participants were men backing up the statistics that majority of the Aspergers community are male. This backs up my own theory that women find it harder to get diagnosed as majority of what doctors associate as “Aspergers Characteristics” come from male representatives. A good point from somewhen else in the group suggested that it also comes from the fact women are better at masking.

First Interview

Below is an interview I conducted with a lovely lady called Lauren, it was a very interesting read and supported what I already believed to be true through my own experiences. Women with autism are rarely represented in the media and struggle to get diagnosis or support from others as they show different characteristics to the majority of the Aspergers community:

Q. When were you diagnosed with Aspergers?

A. Feb 2009 age 13 nearly 14

Q. Did you find it difficult to get the diagnosis?

(Quite often women with Aspergers are refused diagnosis as they don’t show what doctors perceive as “characteristics”)

A. it was difficult and took about 8 appointments to get a diagnosis as lot of signs/traits were interlinked with other conditions I already had diagnosed

Q. Name 3 things positive about your Aspergers

(Eg, it makes me more creative)

A. I'm strict with time (not been late once), very well organised and creative

Q. Do you feel there is enough positive female autism Representation in the media? If no, how do you think we can improve? If yes, please provide an example?

A. No I was diagnosed with mental health before I had my diagnosis and a lot of people say to women because you can do eye contact or you have empathy/show emotions that they are not autistic when they are. People need to remember women are naturally brought up to be more mature/grown up then men so we learn things sooner than men would.

Q. List 3 things you struggle with? What could nurotypical people do to help change this?

A. Going out to busy/crowded places, meeting new people/socialising with new people and changes especially to routine. Neurotypical people should be taught about autism in school so less bullying happens and more support can happen even simple things like structured routine or explaining something in a different way or putting it into a real life prospect.

Q. Is there anything else you would like to add?

A.People need to realise that autism is a invisible disability and there isn't a certain look like down syndrome. People also need to remember that autism is different in every person so just because one person with autism is aggressive it doesn't mean everyone is going to be aggressive. Finally to remember autism comes in different levels and severities so one person with autism could live independently with a little bit of support while another person with the same diagnosis might need 24 hour care and support

Second Interview

Another lovely lady called Sophie bravely answered two of the questions for me:

Q. Is there anything else you would like to add?

A. I feel autism is based more around men. The way this could be improved is if people were more aware that autism can affect both males and females

Q. Did you find it difficult to get the diagnosis?

A. I didnt actually get diagnosed until I was 19 but I went to John Parkes when I was younger as ny mum thought I was different but they only said I am left handed but use ny right hand so it was left at that until I was 19 and my mum started working in a school and realised that I did a lot of the things that an autistic child at the school did

Third Interview

Lastly was a very helpful interview by a lovely lady called Ebony. I felt the most connection with Ebonys answers, pretty much everything she said I could relate to, specifically the struggle our mothers had to get a diagnosis, the miss belief in diagnosis of you don’t fit the stereotypes and the frustration with the lack of positive female representation.

Q. When were you diagnosed with Aspergers?

A. I was diagnosed at 8/9 years old

Q. Did you find it difficult to get the diagnosis?

(Quite often women with Aspergers are refused diagnosis as they don’t show what doctors perceive as “characteristics”)

A. My mother found it difficult to get me an assessment to get diagnosed because I have a genetic condition which they wanted to overshadow autism under. Even though they’re totally unrelated. She fought in court for two years before I was granted a full assessment

Name 3 things positive about your Aspergers

(Eg, it makes me more creative)

3. Aspergers makes me more observant. Aspergers allows me to focus specifically on and learn things really easily with things which I am really interested in, in detail, which is really useful for my degree. And Aspergers makes it easy for me to process visual information

Q. Do you feel there is enough positive female autism Representation in the media? If no, how do you think we can improve? If yes, please provide an example?

A. Absolutely not. Autism seems to be very much represented by men with the very typical characteristics (Big bang theory and atypical prime examples). I think there needs to be more female influencers who are on the spectrum speaking about it and also in movies, using autistic female characters as the main character instead of male

Q. List 3 things you struggle with? What could nurotypical people do to help change this?

A. Change. I guess just not changing things would be helpful but I think that’s just the way of the world.

People thinking I’m not on the spectrum because I’m not good at maths or science and I don’t have a breakdown every two minutes. Not assuming the stereotypes are true in everyone. My very black and white way of thinking. Sometimes this gets in the way of being able to think perceptively, as hard as I try, it can be very hard to understand why something is the way it is.

Interview 4

Interview with a lady who would like to stay anonymous. She has a very interesting story and in the past has done lots of work studying Aspergers in women.

Q. When were you diagnosed with Aspergers?

A. 2007

Q. Did you find it difficult to get the diagnosis?

(Quite often women with Aspergers are refused diagnosis as they don’t show what doctors perceive as “characteristics”)

A. I had anxiety n depression off n on for years. Worked as a advocate an had an abusive partner and it became worse. I went to a gp after reading about the condition and was dismissed by the gp. I took anti depressants n they made me feel so bad. Weight gain, hailing beginning to fall out n head felt like a racing feeling. Went back n was referred for cbt n refused to take meds as suicidal thoughts listed as side affect, which was happening. Went for cbt the lady had an autistic son. She picked up on traits n did n assessment n referred me to psychologist. I think I was quite lucky in my journey, in terms of a diagnosis. My mum said she always knew but she was always on meds. I’m not a fan on medication - personally

Q. Name 3 things positive about your Aspergers

(Eg, it makes me more creative)

A.1. I stopped hating or comparing myself to neuro typical people and what they do so easily.

2. It was ok to be different and I wasn’t stupid

3. I started to see myself and my traits and enjoy being me. If that makes sense

Q. Do you feel there is enough positive female autism Representation in the media? If no, how do you think we can improve? If yes, please provide an example?

A. I think when people are shown autism they are often shown the extreme. I watched a programme on the bbc about people with asperges and I couldn’t c myself in any of them. People always think of Chris Packham but we too are all v different as are NTs. The only other female I know of is Susan Boyle who was exploited in some way. But I believe she’s had support now and on the up bless her

Q. List 3 things you struggle with? What could nurotypical people do to help change this?

A. Too many people

Eating around strangers

Bright lights

In terms of how Nts could help is tough. I’m used to not having help so can be hard saying I’ve got a disability n then dealing with people’s preconceptions or struggling without help. Mentor ship in terms of study n maybe work place could be good.

Interview 5

This interview is another who would like to be kept anonymous, their family is very judgmental of their diagnosis therefor they don’t openly disclose their name.

Q.When were you diagnosed with Aspergers?

A. I was diagnosed in 2013, aged 36

Q. Did you find it difficult to get the diagnosis?

(Quite often women with Aspergers are refused diagnosis as they don’t show what doctors perceive as “characteristics”)

A. I was fortunate in that the clinical psychologist who diagnosed me was a specialist in the female autustic phenotype, which made the diagnostic process easier.

Q. Name 3 things positive about your Aspergers

A. Three positive things about Asperger's:

I stand in solidarity with my autistic kids, and understand them better

The way I think makes me good at writing essays

I think autistic people find greater joy in small things than neurotypicals.

Q. Do you feel there is enough positive female autism Representation in the media? If no, how do you think we can improve? If yes, please provide an example?

A. Autism in the media is usually male, which influences women's ability to get diagnosed and get help. There is a small but persistent push my autustic women to make autistic women and girls more visible, and we need to keep building on that

Q. List 3 things you struggle with? What could nurotypical people do to help change this?

A. I struggle with practical things, like maintaining a routine, using public transport, and following directions. Neurotypicals can help by recognising female autism, and simply being kind

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blazingpheonixo · 4 years

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okay, so were getting personal here,

This March will be coming up to my Dad's 3 year deathaversary. It wasnt expected, he was only 38. He drowned, and his death is acually still under investigation. That's probably the first close death i had. Anyway, it caused a lot of problems in my family. Including my mum moving her and my sister an hour and a half away from me. That and i dont hear from dads side of the family anymore. so thats super shit. When this happened i Also lost my best friend at the time Georgia. She went off at my boyfriend Kenedy because he didnt want to come to the funeral and caused some issues. anyways I forgot to mention when he died i was in rockhampton. which was even more shit. but anyway, when i came back. I didnt hear from my best friend at all, i went to the funeral. still hadnt heard from her. She full went off at my partner cause he didnt wanna come to the funeral but yeah a week had past since coming back and she knew i was back. Sent her a message and said hey whats going on, you went off at him made a big deal but i havent heard from you. and pretty much she responded with telling me that i was a shit friend and It was mean to message her like that and then she blocked me on everything. So yeah I lost my father and my best friend in the same week. I still dont know wtf happened which just comes up in my brain a lot.

And then theres my ex, Kenedy. I think i said already that we were together for nearly 6 years. We broke up over a stupid photo at the end of July so its been 4 months. For starters we were engaged and we were about to start trying for a kid. But it was such a toxic and unhealthy relationship dude. Like fuck.. We used to get into fights and ill just be straight up, it got physical. Id end up covered in bruised and cuts and it was pretty bad tbh. Holes in walls. Broken bits. I never ended up in hospital because of it but like it was still pretty bad. This probably only happened the last two years of the relationship. I grew up watching my mum be abused, i know that it isn't the norm and what ever but i guess i was kind of use to it in a way? so i think thats why i put up with it? idk. That or my mental issues lol. But yeah so, I'm still kind of getting past that bit, I have photos that come up in my memories which trigger me and sometimes I get panic attacks randomly. Its shit. It wasn's always physical.

Then we come to my ex best friend, Rhianne. I literally grew up with her, but we never used to be friends, we just went all through school together. She also used to be my bully in kinder and prep LOL.

Anyway, we started being friends when i first moved into this place so maybe a year and a half? shes toxic to haha. We had a good friendship at the start but the more i hung out with her the more i began to feel like shit about myself. I don't have friends. She was pretty much all i had. So i kind of let a lot of stuff slide and i never really stood up for myself. and i mean a lot of things i let slide. She got really obsessive towards me. I honestly think she is infatuated with me. She would rock up here pretty much daily and use me for my stuff and makeup and clothes and then wed go for drives and stuff. idk we used to do everything together. Not because i wanted to either. Pretty much what she said was the go. She would talk down to me as if i was a child. Im the kind of person as well that i like my alone time, i dont like going out all the time i like to sit in and enjoy my own company, I dont like hanging out EVERYDAY with someone. She use to talk shit about me behind my back as well. just cause so much drama and eh. But she was so fkn obsessive. Then when kenedy and i broke up, her friend was having there birthday at the clubhouse, so thats house i was introduced to the club. She took me a long and told me to take someone home to help myself feel better about the breakup. SO anyway, Shaun was there and we were getting to know each other.

She caused a big scene and didnt want me to take him home. I think it was jealousy. Got to the point were she had me in tears.

I then for some weird reason logged into my exes account, I found messages telling people how much he hates me and wants me to kill myself and wants to fuck Rhianne. Then i showed her all of this. She was grossed out and deleted him. We then had a small fight because i stood up for myself one night. Why we wernt talking she went out clubbing and Kenedy was out. So she party'd with my ex as well as invited him and had him come back to her dads place. Nothing happened to my knowledge but I mean, Im sure they fucked.

Anyway, (I have depression and anxiety. When kenedy and i broke up, i didnt handle it well, I started self harming and it was getting pretty bad) I took shaun home from the clubhouse that night and pretty much his been here ever since, so 3 months we've been together now. I’m not sure if I love him or not. I don’t know because my brain is scattered at the moment. Because of everything hoing on. His a lovely guy, but his not for me. But the way my brain works and how im coping with all these things, i just can't be alone dude. I literally get so depressed and its scary because i don't want to give myself the chance because when im alone like i am tonight. All of this just goes through my brain and i get so fucked up, i don't even know if you wanna hear about self harm and abuse. but it happens. TBH im probably going to end up hurting myself tonight. I wasnt joking to you when i said i wanted to drive my car into a truck. i literally feel like that.

So what actually made Rhianne and i stop being friends. Her, Shaun and myself were drinking at her friends. Shaun has epilepsy and actually had a seizure in front of me the previous day, Rhianne got into him and told him it was his fault and that i should never have had to of seen that. I didnt go off at her, HER friend kicked her out and told her sleep in her car. Since then she has tried to constantly break us up.

On top of that, im in a lot of debt. and it got to the point were i actually made a Onlyfans account and it actually helped. I feel gross about it but it was private no one i knew in real life had access. OR SO I THOUGHT. i used tumblr to get my subscribers, didnt realise my ex Kenedy had access. He sent screenshots to Rhianne and she sent them to pretty much everyone i know. Ive lost a few friends becuase of it. and well yeah it was degrading. She then apologised and i forgave her for like a whole 6 hours. Until i really thought about it. Just cause we were in a small argument i wouldnt do that to her you know or anyone. so i told her that. and shes been super nasty since.

She is also still talking with my ex.

So yeah, I also might have breast cancer 😣

These are most the reasons I want to die.

#depression #depressed #life #anxiety #anxious #help #suicidal #abuse #ex #friends #heartbreak #broken #lost #help me

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mrs-n-uzumaki · 5 years

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Hello, Howard anon here! I agree. He never was a good father,bt he had issues,was an alcoholic &grew up during the Great Depression &Wars. He’s a victim of toxic masculinity himself. He was taught being a man is to never show emotions. Unlike Tony, he couldn’t break the cycle. He didnt have the support Tony did (Rhodey). I’m not excusing his actions bt I do think these r factors.An ideal father back then was a man that provided food, education &health &he did that. He wasn’t evil or hated Tony.

My parents had grown up during a time of war in their country. They had to lay low because, during this time, if they weren’t following a certain religion being forced upon the country, they would’ve been prosecuted and even sentenced to death. Their own police would beat people who opposed this government. Needless to say, they had it tough. My dad didn’t get along with his parents or siblings, my mum’s parents died when she was young.

Because of this upbringing, my dad learned that life is too short. He tried (and still tries to this day) to spoil me and my brother. He loves us, we know, because it speaks through his words and his actions. He broke that cycle because he never had that support from his family, and his environment certainly didn’t back him. Does he still have problems as result of all the trauma? Of course, but for the most part, he truly tried to break that cycle. And he made that decision regardless of the lack of support. His parenting is far from perfect, but this is the positive definition of he tried.

My mother is different story. It was hard to tell whether she even wanted to be a mother or if she felt that it was her duty as a woman in the culture to marry and have kids, just because. I have endured a lot of mental and emotional abuse because her upbringing was so different and she let it affect her (both consciously and unconsciously - and by that I mean even after she realises how bad her behaviour is, she continues to act towards it and refuses to change). It wasn’t until only recently, in my adulthood, have I learnt that she, in fact, does love me. I am still struggling to come to terms with it, because her actions certainly said something else. When I asked her if there were any mistakes she would change as a parent, she said to me, “No. Because I didn’t make any mistakes.”

My parents were both products of their environment, yet their parenting methods differ greatly.

Howard was a product of his environment too, but he’s the negative definition of he tried. He claimed that he will do anything for the kid when his wife was pregnant. But ultimately, he let his own ego override the decision to show any affection towards his son. It wasn’t a matter of he couldn’t, it’s a matter of he didn’t. He chose not to be that parent who “coddled” their kid like Tony’s mother. Instead of attempting to break that cycle, like my own dad did, he chose to stick with how he was raised and never let himself be better. And the result? Tony ended up caring more about the fact that his mother was killed, and not him. The proof is in the movie itself.

The adults who have grown up being beaten by their parents and chose to do the same thing to their own kids - Are you saying that they couldn’t break that cycle? That it’s not their fault that they’re abusing their own kids?

You have also said that he provided Tony with food and shelter. What about the parents who still beat their kids and use the excuse “I give you food and a roof over your head, you owe me.” Food and shelter are basic needs. If you choose to have a child, they should be a given. They’re certainly not meant to be used as a tool for emotional blackmail so you could lure your kid into doing your bidding. I’m unfortunately far too familiar with being the receiving end of this too.

Do I believe my parents are inherently evil? No. Of course not. And nowhere in my previous answer did I claim that Howard was inherently evil or hated Tony. You said yourself, his circumstance isn’t an excuse for his bad parenting. Howard’s intentions might not have been bad, but his execution was and Tony had been the receiving end of it. You’re trying to see where Howard was coming from, I get it, but Tony’s side, the abused side, is what matters more here.

I can see that you enjoy the character of Howard, and that’s okay. What’s not okay is dismissing Tony’s side of things just because we didn’t see Howard’s.

As my lovely friend @kitcat992 pointed out in her reply, if a child came up to you and said his father beats him, whose side is it gonna matter?

#tony stark #mcu meta #anti howard stark #my meta #replies #anon

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tobacconist · 4 years

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my house got hit with a nasty strike of bad luck last night, all at once, i think around one o clock till about half past; i blame the full moon in scorpio (i believe saturn, venus, and pluto were retrograde at the time too. not sure if they still are)

i didnt feel like writing it at the time because i was too upset

had a really good day before then too. dads been depressed recently and wed sat out in the sunshine n had a smoke n laugh. we played dominoes later on.

ill say it started with my dad gettin absolutely wankered, like really fuckin drunk n stoned, the kind of wankered where you think youre completely fine but you aint and you wont listen to anyone telling you to sit the fuck down or go to bed

anyway, mum went to bed about 11, told us both to get to bed early (because she is the only sensible person in this house) dad said he was going soon after he’d finished his wine (like he does every night) but he filled his glass a few more times and stayed up.

eventually he went to bed, i told him not to keep coming down to pester me and that id go soon after. of course he came down a few times (its like an incredibly unfunny farce every night) to eat crisps and drunkenly ask me why i wasnt in bed ‘give me some fuckin peace and i’ll likely go to bed sooner!’ i said its a farce

i was trying to think about designing an expanded dominoes set which also functions as a jenga set, and perhaps could be used as some kind of analog calculator a bit like an abacus. i was looking up variations on the game of dominoes and thinking about the esoteric significance of the game

of course i couldnt think about it in peace for long, cus dad came down once again to ask me why i wasnt in bed yet ‘because you wont let me have any fucking peace to think!’ i said ‘the sooner you go to bed the sooner i go to bed!’ it really is like this every fuckin night

‘alright, alright, im going to bed. dont be too long’ he said. then i heard the dog coming down the stairs ‘fuck sake! dont wake mum up for fuck sake, she’ll come down and yell at both of us!’ i thought then he said (to the dog) ‘oh, do you need a wee?’ n then i got a real bad feeling that i couldnt really place, like everything was going to suddenly go wrong.

i hide his wineglass because for fuck sake if he comes back downstairs im not gonna get any peace hes bumblin around makin a load of noise, then he shuts the door so i presume the dogs inside.

then he comes to me! asking me where the dog is, i say ‘didnt you just let him out? is he inside?’ he shouts to my poor mother, who is just trying to sleep ‘is the dog up there with you!’ she yells back ‘NO! YOUVE JUST LET HIM OUTSIDE YOU STUPID BASTARD!’ or words to that effect. she’s really angry and im like ‘hhhhhhhhhh fuck sake’

i start panicking, for personal insane paranoid reasons (basically a picture of my dog taken that day had a strange lense flare from the sun that, sorta, yknow in the film the omen where they take a picture but theres a weird streak on it and then later the person gets impaled by a huge steel beam. looked sort of like a downward swung scythe to me. praying its just the light, but yeah i got really paranoid.) so i was suddenly like ‘holy shit holy shit is something going to happen to my dog’, i grab my torch and sprint into the garden with my shoes on the wrong feet. i hear my dog suddenly yelp and im genuinely prepared for the worst.

mum had come downstairs now and was yelling like fuck at my dad, who was barely lucid, like, not even understanding why she was angry, and that jus made her angrier)

thankfully, my dog was okay. hed found a hedgehog in the garden, once again, and was once again trying to beat it up and play with it. i grab his collar and send him back inside. i look at the hedgehog. its all curled up, and i can see that its bleeding. its breathing still though, breathing really heavily. i half cover my torch so as not to frighten it any more and watch it for a bit.

i go back into the kitchen and my mum asks whats wrong, i hesitate for a moment and then tell her dog was being nasty to a hedgehog. i should tell you that hedgehogs are my mums favourite animals, she collects ornaments and paintings of hedgehogs. she really loves them

i dont really know what to do, so i go to the fridge and get an egg and crack it half open, i go back outside and leave it nearby. i notice that mums come outside too, and she asks where it is. i dont want to scare it anymore by getting too close so i just shine the torch on it for a few seconds and point out where its bleeding.

we go back inside, now both feeling really sad. dad is wandering around the house demanding to know where his wine glass is not at all aware of whats happened. mum says shes gonna go for a cig and then try to go back to bed.

i shut the dog in the back room with the curtains closed, i only do that when hes really bad. was too sad even to yell at him. left him in there on his own for atleast an hour an d a half. really disappointed in him. i hope he realises what he did was bad, and i hope he never does it again. hedgehogs are friends.

i went into the living room and sat down and had a drink. dad was still wandering round looking for his wine glass. i say ‘you know the dog just really hurt a hedgehog’ he says ‘dont tell me that right now, i dont want to hear it. where have you put my wine glass!??’ hes just madly looking around calling me a thief, i tell him i havent stolen it, just moved it, but hes drunk too much anyway’ this is another another weekly farce.

he finds it eventually, and sits down. my mum comes in the room now, and i can tell she’d been crying. she says maybe we should put it in a cardboard box or something, i say i dont want to disturb or traumatise it anymore, and it wouldnt want to be in our house anyway. we discuss it for a while, dad keeps making suggestions about what takeaways are open or something because hes half asleep and not actually listening to what were saying.

eventually we decide that i’ll check on it in a few hours to see if its still there or dead or what and if its still alive then i’ll put it in a box and see if we can take it to the vets in the morning (not likely, since theyre only open for emergencies atm)

she goes to bed, dad goes a little while after, still smugly talking about how i should be in bed and mumll be upset if im up to late, cus hes completely out of it

then, just as i put youtube on to distract myself, the internet goes down for like 15 minutes.

i jus sit there refreshing the page. it comes back on after a little while.

i idly browse but cant enjoy anything. i think about writing a tumblr post about it (as i am doing now) but it feels wrong at the time.

i open omegle and tell the first person who’ll listen jus to get it off my chest, theyre very kind, and then we idly chat about some shit. i start to feel better.

then i go have a look in the garden; the hedgehog is gone and the egg is unfinished. i dont know if that means a fox got it, or whether it shuffled away somewhere to die or if it was ok and it wandered off thinking ‘never fucking ever coming to this garden again!’ hopefully the last, but thats still sad. i know hedgehogs are pretty resilient animals. i hope it was okay

i let the dog out of the room about 2 because he started scratching at the door. i didnt say anything i just sent him up to bed. he had an ashamed face. i hope he never does it again.

then i stayed on omegle all night until about 6am. stupid thing to do but i felt better after a while.

i feel the evil energy was gone in the morning. the moon has begun to wane and moved into sagittarius. mum seems alright. dont know if dad remembers anything from late last night. im feelin okay, jus real hungover. drank a lot more than i meant to

dont think im gonna proof read this so it might be a bit rambling. jus wanna get it off my chest

#long #long post #jus a string of bad luck all together

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shebandobsessed · 5 years

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I met Mark A. Sheppard today.

So on Saturday I went to my first supanova with my friend and her mum. We were fully dressed but needed to get our wigs on and couldn't find a bathroom anywhere. We didn't want to enter the convention yet without being in full cosplay so we sat our stuff down at the front of the centre and were putting our wigs on. I was distracted at this point when I notice a man sit down right beside us smoking and looking at us (I didn't really see his face at first because I'm so shy and awkward and don't like drawing attention to myself). He started to randomly talk to my friends mum casually. It was at that point when I turned back around at his voice that I realised it was Mark Sheppard just casually sitting right beside us. God my heart was beating crazily because I didn't know what to do. I started shaking. My friend and her mum didn't know who it was. And my friends mum was talking and laughing with him.

THEY DIDNT KNOW AND I WAS SUFFERING BECAUSE I WAS FANGIRLING AND DIDNT WANT TO SCARE HIM AWAY.

So I was literally avoiding eye contact and was frantically waiting to tell my friend that that was the dude I was ecstatic to meet at the convention. So I waited and waited until he looked away from me and my friend. She was looking at me weirdly because I was being strange as well as the fact that she didn't like a stranger talking casually to her mum and sitting close to us. I finally got the chance to whisper in her ear "that's the dude from supernatural that I was talking about!" And her face... God her eyes went wide and she couldn't believe it. She then understood why I was like this. I was still shaking and working on my wig (because guys it's a Yuno Wig and I had to tie it up and ugh). I finally turned back to him and Mark literally stopped talking and ask me if I was alright (if you thought I was shaking a lot then, well now I was shaking very noticeably now folks) and I said that I was just having a moment(I forgot to mention that stuff like this triggers panic attacks because I was hella caught off guard), and he smiled (I'm sure he realised what happened but didn't say anything), then he started talking to me, who at this time was taking mega deep breaths and trying to be casual, he asked my name, age, what I was cosplaying as and whatnot.

DUDES THIS WAS A BEAUTIFUL MOMENT FOR ME.

I did nearly start crying though because I was caught off guard by everything about this moment. He started talking to my friend's mum again about shows and that and casually said something about playing the villain in a lot of shows (I feel stupid because I zoned out for some of this because I was having a panic attack) and dude m friends mum was still a bit oblivious but it was kind of funny at the same time. I so badly wanted to ask if I could get a picture with him but I was so shy and ugh. I regret everything. Eventually it was time to go and I tried to casually say it was nice to meet you and shook his hand.

We finally walked away and I explained everything to my friend and her mum. And they were like "WHAT NO SERIOUSLY" and my friends mum said something about her being a bit embarrassed from not realising. My friend said something along the lines of "I just thought he was a creepy dude trying to chat us up and I was internally wanting to say go away go away". That made me chuckle.

Eventually we got into the convention centre and were walking when I noticed my friends mum stop near the window and I frowned. I moved closer and realised she was taking a picture of Mark who was still sitting down by himself talking to his (I presume) assistant. Now guys this is the part that got all of us. As she was taking the picture HE LOOKED UP AT US AND SMILED. He SMILED, it was beautiful fbksmd. You should have heard the noises we made as we shrunk back away from the window because we got caught. Haha. I covered my face which was even more flushed now.

I had met the King of Hell people. It was beautiful and terrifying. Literally. For me anyways 😅. He was so sarcastic and my lil heart couldn't handle it. That's why I loved him on Supernatural and I got this amazing experience which I low-key feel like I ruined *shrugs*. I was going to go see him where he was doing autographs but I was too scared. *Sad sigh*.

But overall I will never get over this. It was amazing.

Here's some pictures from where my friends mum took the pics- btw he's in the dark clothes

#amazing #supernatural #mark sheppard #crowley #spn #supanova #comic con #cosplay #fangirling

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lanamemories · 5 years

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crash lands a giant animatronic john travolta (wild hogs era complete w a receding hairline n leather jacket) onto the dash n dismounts frm his back without any explanation as to my vehicle...... helo........ nw tht i’ve made the world’s most unsettling entrance i wil? introduce myself. i’m nai n i’m 23 n live in Manchestoh (typed w a fitting n blood curdlingly british accent). my pronouns r she/her n i currently want a pet baby yoda i can feed strawberries to n tuck into a tiny baby yoda sized bed. anyway. lana’s pinterest can b found HERE n more abt her is under the cut!!

KRISTINE FROSETH / CIS-FEMALE — don’t look now, but is that lana jameson i see? the 21 year old dance student is in their sophomore year and she is a rochester alum. i hear they can be exuberant, alluring, childish and impulsive, so maybe keep that in mind. i bet she will make a name for themselves living in murphy’s beach homes. ( nai. 23. gmt. she/her. )

aesthetics: scalding your fingers in shower water until they glow like rudolph’s nose, cherry red gym socks tugged high and nothing else, stepping out into a cold breeze in just spaghetti strapped silk, a red lightening stripe painted over your eye like a new take on the scarlet letter, crowning each finger with a miniature raspberry, hugging a knee close to lick a stripe of fruit juice off the bruised cap, doodling penises in condensation instead of sitting still, a water pistol topped with rum and covered in glittery pin-up stickers, believable smiles that feel more like baring teeth, playing where’s waldo with your lipstick in the crowd of a party and finding red smudges on at least six people’s mouths, a bumper sticker on the back of a convertible cadillac that says ‘SCRAPPY DOO IS A FILTHY SLUT’, prancing around in your underwear to a vinyl record with the curtains open.

BACKGROUND:

lana grew up in a big house in albany, NY. i picture it w dark oak floors n lots of light furniture. albums framed on walls. mayb some rolling stone covers too frm way bk when of the bands her dad’s label signed. kind of like… a rock star palace w no evidence of children at all. i think i described it best in one of lana’s self paras once when i said the garden ws “as big as it was unloved”

anyway so jameson records repped a few big rock bands bk in the eighties, altho poppy injects r who they’re mostly known fr, namely bc of hw brightly they crashed n burned. they were a big chart success bt the lead singer hd quite an intense struggle w heroin (wsnt rly subtle abt it either while he ws in the public eye as u cn probably imagine frm such an on-the-nose band name) n he ws always in n out of the papers. it eventually brought down his career n it ws a big publicity nightmare

lana pretty much… grew up around figures like this throughout childhood. rly troubled characters who wld kind of… b extremely volatile n destructive abt their troubles. the jameson house was kind of an open one as welcoming clients went n a lot of parties took place there. a lot of the time musicians wld b snorting lines in the kitchen when she wnted to grab a bowl of cereal fr breakfast n it was just. a very strange environment fr a child to grow up in

(dissociation tw) bc of this growing up lana adopted this weird like…. she didn’t rly kno what it ws bt it ws a delusion of sorts where she thought she ws a ghost. she’d jst sort of… drift around the halls w noone acknowledging her n sometimes she ws jst convinced she wsnt actually there or they cldnt see her n she ws jst haunting the house frm a previous family

the one saving grace tho tht sort of?? gt her thru this n made her feel Seen ws caleb. lana quite genuinely hs always thought the sun shines out of her older brothers ass like she jst thinks. hes the best person in the entire world. wld b rly bewildered if anyone questioned tht. he wld always look out for her in the zoo they called a home n cut the crusts off her sandwiches (he’d cook fr them most of the time bc their parents were too busy/didn’t care to) n sometimes wld even sleep at the bottom of her bed curled up like a guard dog. it ws always lana n caleb n his best friend tommy against the world in tht house (tommy lived next door n was always over bc he had very strict parents including a military father tht he found suffocating)

SO when caleb n tommy announced tht they’d signed up to the army lana ws understandably…….. completely blindsided. she ws rly upset tht they were leaving bt she tried not to b mad at them n made them promise theyd b safe n back as soon as possible. she even asked if they cld somehow take her w them n they were jst like :/ it doesn’t work that way luv x

(death tw, ptsd tw, grief tw, trauma tw, hospitalisation tw, drugs tw) anyway caleb ended up getting discharged under grounds of severe ptsd when he witnessed tommy die in an explosion tht took place in a shock raid. caleb returned home sans tommy bt he was never the same after tht. he’s been in and out of hospital twice nw n he’s currently dipped off the radar after starting to use. lana kind of felt like two of her brothers died out there in a way n jst like tht it wasn’t them vs the world any mre, it was jst her. she doesn’t talk abt this tho. when she feels the urge to cry she usually jst smiles

ANYWAY whew tht rly…. took a dark turn there….. chuckles nervously at hw sad lana’s life is bt it’s fine it’s all fINE!!!!!!! ok. so on a mre lighthearted note the jameson family r pretty well off n bc of her relation to such a big music industry figure she’s hung out w a fair few relatively high rep ppl thru her teens. mostly kids of celebrities n stuff like tht. she amassed kind of an instagram following mainly fr her style (v penny lane-esque in some aspects aka lots of fur cuff trimmed jackets bt then also jst…. a wild combination of everything honestly. pastel faux fur coats, seventies style platforms, flame red cowboy boots, pink fishnet tights n glitter used like highlight Everywhere) n bc she’s undeniably very pretty

this obviously?? made her spiral a lot. she was already a girl tht loved sex (she’d only rly done foreplay before tho) but since her trauma it got…. completely out of hand. it got to a point where she couldnt rly go 2 days without it, probably not even 1. her lowest point has probably been scrolling thru craiglist for anonymous encounters n meeting up w strangers on there fr a quick fuck jst for the thrill even tho it’s insanely dangerous n she cld wind up getting herself killed. it’s v clear at this point tht she has a sex addiction whether she’s ever admitted it or not. it kind of… almost mingled w tht same feeling she used to get when she ws younger of being a ghost?? like she jst. only rly feels Real when she’s being touched

(violence tw) a mre recent point of history is her involvement w danny nielsen (an evil npc of mine who is possibly the antichrist??? pending investigation). he attended lockwood n lived in a house w a group of other guys. it wsn’t a registered frat bt he essentially…ran it like one it ws kind of a weird set-up where he ws the King Of The Roost. essentially he found out tht lana n zeke van doren (full name it’s official business Babey) slept together n he ended up beating him to near death in front of her bc his pride ws rly bruised since they were meant to be dating (if u can call it tht bc danny’s idea of dating is very Warped). ANYWAY he ws found guilty n sent dwn bt the trial ws only recent so. it was just intense all around. crosses my fingers across my chest to ward off his Evil

PERSONALITY:

growing up lana was always a huge social butterfly. knew everyone n everyone knew her. she ws one of those girls tht ws kind of impossible to ignore or forget. very animated, always made u feel like u were the centre of the universe whenever she spoke to u, always made it feel like u were best friends even if ud only spoken to her once. she has this magnetic way abt her tht is kind of hard to find in real life. it’s something ud only rly expect out of a movie character n she like. deliberately puts tht on sort of. kind of…. is always playing A Role of the person tht she wants to b seen as. chameleons to situations. feels like she’s performed as the vivacious n fun loving Lana Jameson fr so long tht she doesn’t rly kno who she is beneath tht bt she isn’t too keen to find out

she’s always been rly spontaneous n adventurous. always doing something weird n wild every weekend. she has ten thousand stories tht always earn a laugh or a gasp over how ridiculously absurd they r

uncontrollably flirty. boundlessly confident. cld make a joke out a paper bag n her comedy is sometimes surreal / absurd. she tends to laugh when she feels like crying n has a smile brighter than a ray of texas sunshine. always dapples her fingers thru the breeze when she’s driving in a car w the window down. she almost always has some sort of sweet on her, whether it’s sour haribo cherries or strawberry lollipops. she adores david bowie n prince n madonna n anyone tht’s a vintage style icon w little care fr what ppl think. daisies n poppies r her fav flowers bc daisies r wild n overlooked n poppies r the first thing u look at in a green field. she’s had like 8472493874 ‘relationships’ n none of them hav lasted beyond a month / hav been terrible / hav seen her being treated badly / she’s cheated on them. i dnt think she’s actually been w anyone she hasn’t cheated on in some form or another

PLOTS:

exes tht lana’s fucked over hideously. she’d probably cheat a lot and it’d be a whole…mess. mayb someone tht flipped the switch and cheated on her? a cousin plot cld b fun too. a friend tht lana fel out w bc she slept w their significant other. someone tht’s getting lana into drugs?? she’s kind of impressionable/down for anything so tht’s a likely scenario she’d get into tbh. an unrequited crush!! (either way is cool). someone tht is just hanging out w her/using her bc she has a lot of instagram followers or they want to b signed to her dad’s label. someone in a band!! she’d probably make like penny lane n b their groupie/sleep w them all fgjkshgkh. umm a good influence too mayb? oh and a past summer romance/fling tht cld either have meant a lot or not have meant anything at all. bonus points if both of them hav a diff viewpoint on it. honestly?? anything is fine i cld ramble for days. mayb even one of the high profile kids she grew up hangin w idk. worlds our oyster fellas!

#huntingtonintro #trauma tw #hospitalisation tw #hypersexuality tw #ptsd tw #death tw #grief tw #drugs tw #dissociation tw #this is. kind of beefy honestly bt feel free to jst skip to her personality section bc that's all u rly need to kno unless ur Curious!!

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under-the-blue-sun · 5 years

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vanilla softserve sort of day

summary: dan doesn't want to go outside today, but when his best friend and crush phil lester turns up at his doorstep...well, he had to change his plans a little.

word count: 4117

rating: teen & up for swearing, but it’s mostly just fluff

warnings: profanity

note: first(ish) phanfic so uh hello phanfic community nice to meet you i guess. this is a little rushed and crappy but im putting this out there anyway so let’s just see how that goes. inspired by liana flores’ softserve - please check her out, the link is here and she is amazing and so underrated i love her so much.

read on ao3 | read on ff.net

dear diary laptop thingy,

today began as a perfectly sunny day. and when i mean perfect, i mean absolutely perfect. i wasn't dying and sweating because of the heat, but it wasnt cold enough so i would shiver to death. the perfect weather to go outside, run around in a park and walk my dog. so obviously i stayed inside, sleeping till eleven am. that is, until i was woken up by the doorbell. i leapt out of bed and ran to the door in my pajamas. i know that that's bad, but in my defense i thought that my brother had left something at home and he was coming back to get it. it was holidays for me, but my brother's last day of school was today and my mother had to go to work. and as far as i was aware, my mum had not ordered anything online since she swore off it so i couldn't see how it could be anyone either than my brother and my mother, for who would want to see me?

yet, i opened the door and saw the one and only phil lester.

now i know you do not want to read through another in-depth description of phil lester. i was just rereading my other few entries and uh, i wrote a lot of things about his appearance and personality. but he did truly looked stunning, just standing there at my front door. somehow, he had looked even better since he got the very fashionable quiff and since he started to embrace his glasses. he was wearing a blue shirt and jeans, which accentuated his beautiful blue-green-yellow eyes and he had his dog, buffy, on a lead. she tried to run forward to greet me, almost choking herself, but phil held her back. and then he fucking smiled at me, which, as normal, was fucking death, which is a bit of an issue when he smiles a lot and he's your best mate, but i swear to fucking god, his smile could light up the entire world.

"hi." he said, still fucking smiling.

"i didnt expect you." i noted, like a reasonable human.

"yas, you didnt. nice pajamas." he said.

of course. of all the days, i just had to be wearing my wonder woman pajamas. i fucking hate this world.

"yeah, they are pretty nice. what are you doing here?" i asked, pretending i wasn't embarrassed.

he fiddled with his fingers, acting adorably flustered. god, i fucking love him. "well...you said you were home alone this week and that you were going to be really bored. so i thought i could, you know, turn up as a surprise." he said. i blinked.

"i dont...have anything planned." i said. he laughed, his stupid tongue sticking out of his beautiful teeth. god, please murder me.

"i know you dont, you spork. it is sunny out today, so i was wondering whether you wanted to go on a train with me to the beach?" he said.

i didnt respond for a few seconds so i could process this information. he is so fucking cute?? and nice?? i did not understand, so daniel.exe just shut down. but like?? still??? i said i was going to be bored on the week and that i had nothing to do, so he turned up at my front step and asked whether i wanted to spend some time with him. like who?? would do that??? honestly, he really was the best friend ever.

"it's okay if you don't want to, i was just asking, you don't have to, there's no pressure!" phil said quickly, his face turning red. it was only then that i realised i hadnt said anything for like a whole minute. oops.

"no, no, i would love to! i was just...surprised that you would think of coming here and asking whether i wanted to spend time with you." i quickly said, trying to make up for my mistake.

"you were surprised i wouldn't at least come and say hi after hearing my best friend was bored and free during the week? daniel james howell, i am truly disappointed in you." phil said, shaking his head.

so i took sookie, my dog (yas, phil and i have matching pup names) and wore my sunglasses. i wore the first clothes in my closet that were reasonably presentable (black, of course) and i went to the door. phil was on his phone playing crossy road (probably as the emo goose) and didn't notice me come out of the house.

"um...hello?" i said. he went pink, embarrassed he didn't notice me beforehand, and looked at me for a while. all i was thinking was fuck, i probably look bad.

"is there something on my face?" i asked. he went pinker and shook his head.

"no, it's nothing." he replied. "let's go!"

the train trip was as breezy as the wind today and before i knew it, we were at the beach. phil tried to chase some seagulls to talk to them like the dork he is, but i pulled him away.

"aww. but i could have been the next doctor dolittle." he complained. i rolled my eyes.

"we already discussed this. you cannot become a doctor, as you would be known as dr. phil and that title already belongs to one human and it will continue to belong to one human only." i said sternly. he pouted.

"but what if i legally changed my name? then could i become the next doctor dolittle?" he begged.

"what would you even change your name to? mo?" i asked, struggling to not smirk.

"mo? mo...lester. what? no! i dont want my name to be the word someone who sexually assaults others! i would change my name to...sylvester. then i could become sylvester lester!" he exclaimed.

"sylvester lester from manchester." i said with a grin.

"yeah! i like it!" he said. he looked so fucking happy, how could he ever want to spend time with me, who literally sucks the happiness out of everything? truly one of the world's greatest mysteries.

"it does have quite a ring to it," i admitted, "maybe you should change your name."

"then i could be doctor dolittle! well, the equivalent of him. doctor sylvester lester from manchester who goes on...questers...to communicate with other animals." he exclaimed. i shook my head.

"no phil, you ruined it. questers? really?" i said.

"i couldn't think of anything else that would rhyme!" he protested. i shook his head. sookie shook his head with me.

"see, even sookie knows what's up!" i said.

"well, buffy would never betray me, so take that!" phil retorted playfully. he then suggested we go grab some lunch, so we went to the local cafe and got some fish and chips.

it was a cute cafe. there was hardly anyone there as it was still technically a working day, which was good for us as we got an outdoor table for our dogs. sookie hungrily stared at my food, hoping for a chip or two. even though my mum hates giving sookie human food, she wasn't here to tell me not to give her any, so i gave in and allowed her to take some of my chips. while i was feeding sookie under the table, i listened to phil talk.

"did you know that a lot of fish in fish and chips is actually shark?" he said. i raised my eyebrows.

"i refuse to believe that. where did you hear it?" i asked with doubt.

"i don't know, i think someone told me on this science camp or something, i don't know." he replied, visibly attempting to recall where he heard it.

"right, okay, really reliable source there. even if it's true, i don't care. i don't care if this is raw shark, or raw octopus or some shit, it tastes good so i'm going to continue eating it." i said.

"octopus tastes different from regular fish, dan. i think you would know if you were eating raw octopus." phil pointed out.

"i don't care! i don't care! watch me! i don't care!" i exclaimed. phil laughed as he shook his head.

we finished the meal in ten seconds flat, like the ravenous, greedy brutes we were and then i paid, despite phil's protests.

"why did you pay? i should have paid! this is my treat to you!" phil exclaimed, continuing to argue even after we had left the cafe.

"yeah, and that is my thanks to you for taking me out." i said back. he huffed.

"yeah, but i wanted to treat you." he said.

"if you wanna try me, get me a ninety-nine." i said, pointing at the ice cream truck ahead. he groaned.

"but they're always so expensive. way more expensive than it should be, anyway." he whinged.

i shrugged. "i mean, if you wanna treat me -"

"yas, i'll get you a ninety-nine!" he blurted out, interrupting my sentence. "i might as well get myself one as well."

and soon, i had a vanilla softserve in my hand and an irritated phil to my right.

"why are they even called ninety-nines when they're not even ninety-nine pence?" phil asked.

"it's actually because italian people thought -" i began, but phil cut me off.

"i don't want to hear. they should be ninety-nine pence is all i'm saying." phil griped.

"if you don't want your ninety-nine, you can go ahead and give it to me," i offered.

"no, it's still mine." phil said. he stuck his tongue out at me, then took a huge lick of the ice cream.

"or is it?" i said. i leaned over and licked his ice cream.

"hey!" he cried. he leant over and licked my ice cream.

"see? now we're even steven. no need to get angry." i said. he shook his head while i manically cackled.

"race you!" phil shouted. i stopped laughing and i saw him in the distance, already running.

"wha - i -" i stuttered, before sprinting as well. by the time we just got to the end, we were both huffing and puffing, unable to breathe.

"i...beat...you." phil said, exhaling after each word. my brain protested "because you had a head start!" but my body was unable to comply, and all that came out was "head...start.". phil and i simultaneously collapsed on the floor.

after five minutes, i stood up and looked at where we had run from.

"you know, it wasn't that far, we're just grossly unfit." i observed.

"the things we sacrifice to play hours of video games." phil replied, shaking his head. "hey, how about we go on the beach?"

before i could reply, phil was on the beach, looking up at me with a grin. i shook my head.

"now sand is going to be in your socks and shoes." i pointed out. he threw his vans to the side and stripped his socks off.

"there!" he declared. "problem fixed!"

"phil!" i exclaimed. he tilted his head in confusion.

"what?" he said innocently.

"you can't just - oh, whatever," i said, giving in. i jumped down to the beach and i took off my socks and shoes.

"happy?" i asked, both eyebrows raised. he smiled, eyes crinkling with happiness.

"very." he said. he lay down on the beach, but jumped up abruptly.

"what?" i asked. he rubbed his back and dug in the sand with his fingers. he plunged his hand in and pulled out a huge conical shell.

"woah, look at this!" phil said with a huge grin.

"was that sticking up your back?" i asked. he nodded solemnly. i laughed loudly and obnoxiously as he pouted. he was so cute when he pouted. why did i have to go through this? this was straight up homophobia.

"hey, let's look for more shells!" he said.

"why?" i groaned.

"because it'll be fun?" he said, with puppy dog eyes. i groaned, but decided to humour him anyway.

"where are you going to put the shells, phil?" i asked. he pointed at his hoodie pocket.

"in here, of course!" he said.

"how many shells would you even be able to fit in there?" i asked. he shrugged.

"as many as i can. come on, let's hunt for shells!" he said, already running across the beach with buffy and sookie. i sighed and chased after him, trying not to grin after he started screaming.

and it turns out he was right. with a little help from my hoodie pocket, we managed to collect a whole lot of shells. somehow, we had managed to spend hours on the beach, rolling in the sand and grabbing shells.

"we should probably have dinner now." i said. he laughed and shook his head.

"what?" i asked innocently.

"nothing. just the people in the restaurant will probably think we're crazy, covered in sand and pockets bulging with shells." he said. i looked at him, his hair in the wind and his multicoloured eyes somehow matching perfectly with the sea. his face looked beautiful under the light of the sunset, and of course his smile was just as stunning as it was this morning at the front door. suddenly, i started laughing too, and he started laughing harder, and soon we couldn't stop until we were just two idiots with one shared brain cell, laughing our head off till we couldn't breathe.

to be honest, i don't know what was so funny. it wasn't phil's best joke, nor his cheesiest, nor his dirtiest or his most ironic. maybe it was just the absurdity of it all, that we had spent our entire day collecting shells on the beach with our dog. but at that moment, i was certain it was because of the impossible existence that was phil and how he managed to be so fucking beautiful and nice. that's why i was laughing anyway, i have no idea why phil was laughing his head off.

"yeah, let's wait for awhile before dinner. you can come to my place if you want?" i offered. he shook his head.

"nah, it's fine. i'll just go home and have dinner there." he said.

"please. have dinner with me. it'll be my treat back to you for making sure i didn't stay inside sleeping all day." i said, practically begging. i looked at him as the breeze blew against his face, and at that particular moment i was more in love with him than i ever could've imagined someone could be.

he looked back at me for a while, then relented. he smiled and shuffled closer towards me.

"sure. i'll love to have dinner with your family." he said.

we sat in comfortable silence, looking off into the horizon.

"the beach during sunset really is beautiful." i observed.

"yeah. really." he eloquently replied. i turned to him, and realised he was still looking at me.

"fuck, i can't deal with this anymore." he muttered. i frowned, quizzical. and then he interrupted my thoughts and kissed me.

my brain went completely empty of all the thoughts i was thinking before and all the logic i normally apply to situations. i stopped thinking about the maths homework i was supposed to do, and how we had to go all the way back to the other end of the beach to get our shoes and socks back if they were still there, and how the weather forecast said that it might rain later this evening. the only thing that i was thinking about was how phil, my best friend, crush, soulmate and companion through life, fucking liked me back and that he was fucking kissing me.

holy shit. even now as i'm typing this, i still can't believe it. this kind of thing only happened in cliche rom-com tv shows and movies. but yet it was still happening. Philip Michael Lester, the attractive, polite, intelligent, thoughtful, kind human being, was kissing Daniel James Howell, the impolite, sarcastic, idiotic, emo, ironic demon. just...fuck. fuck fuck fuck.

"i really like you dan." phil said quietly, avoiding my eyes. i took his hand and placed it in mind.

"i really like you too." i said, smiling. he looked up at me and smiled. we sat, hand-in-hand, and watched the sunset in silence.

"let's go home." i said.

"let's go home." he repeated.

so we walked to the other end of the beach, our bare feet making temporary footprints across the barren sand.

we collected our shoes and socks (which phil forgot about before i reminded him) and then we went on the train, but we were too exhausted to talk. emotionally tired or physically tired, i don't know. but we sat on the train hand in hand, trying not to drift to sleep. unfortunately, i epically failed at that because soon i woke up to phil nudging me at our stop. after a five minute walk from the train station we arrived at my house. i knocked at my door, and waited for an answer. i heard footsteps, and soon adrian answered the door.

"dan, i'm proud of you. i was surprised you even went out of the house, but i had faith that you would. mum thought you were kidnapped, but obviously you're okay. oh, hi phil! we weren't expecting you." adrian said. oops. i kind of forgot to tell mum that phil was coming. i'm sure it was fine.

"hi adrian! can you ask your mum whether it's okay for me to have dinner with you? tell her it's fine if i can't, i wouldn't want to butt into your family dinner." phil said. ugh, what a gentlemen. how the fuck did he like me? if i was him i wouldn't like me. what was this sorcery???¿?¿¿¿

adrian nodded and ran back to the kitchen. he shouted back to us saying it was okay, and we went in.

the dinner went smoothly. as i predicted, phil made adrian laugh with his cheesy jokes and he was incredibly polite to my mum. i had told my mum while phil went to the bathroom that we were dating now, and i could tell that the only thing that went through her head was "ideal son-in-law". which was good i guess, if also somewhat embarrassing.

as soon as we started the dessert course, it started raining outside.

"you boys just missed the rain, didn't you?" my mum said, looking out the window.

"good luck, i guess." i replied, focusing on my apple pie.

"or maybe the universe meant it to be like that." phil said. i looked up at him.

"probably luck." adrian decided, interrupting our moment.

despite my mum's protests, phil soon started to get ready to go, hoodie pocket still bulging with shells. i had put my shells in my room the minute we came back in, but poor phil had to carry them all throughout dinner.

"i'll count them when we get home and we can see how many shells we collected together." phil promised.

"or we could have a competition to see who has the most shells." i proposed.

"i gave some of mine to you, so that's not fair." phil said. i clicked my tongue.

"excuses, excuses." i said, shaking my head.

"are you sure you don't want to stay here for the night?" my mum said, concerned.

"it's fine, ma'am. i need to go home and do some things i was supposed to do this afternoon, but i was held up." he said, looking at me.

"you invited me!" i protested.

"i know, i wasn't blaming you. but it's fine ma'am, i want to go home." phil said. mum sighed.

"at least make me give you a lift." she said.

"it's -"

"phil lester, it is raining outside. i do not want your mother calling me saying i let you to walk out in the rain, allowing you to catch a cold! i know your address, let me drive you there. dan, adrian, do you want to come?" my mum said. adrian shook his head.

"sure." i said.

"good, let's go. adrian, don't do anything or you're grounded." mum said. ah, what a legend.

the second we got in the car, holding hands in the backseat, my mum showered us with congratulations. she revealed she had been shipping us since grade three, which made me confused and worried, and she said that she always knew i liked phil.

"mum!" i said while phil laughed.

"what? it was as obvious as day. even before you told us you were gay, i knew that you thought phil as something either than platonic. and don't laugh too hard mr lester, i always knew you liked him too. i'm just amazed it took this long for you to get together to be honest." mum said.

"well, we're both oblivious and nerdy, so that might be why." phil said. mum chuckled.

"yas, that is true. that's very true." mum said. we then chatted about music and literature, and before we knew it we were at phil's place. it had somehow stopped raining on the drive, but i was still wet so mum told us to be careful.

"thank you for taking me ma'am." phil said honestly.

"that's okay phil. it's been nice seeing you again. you're welcome at our house at any time. i'll let you two say goodbye." mum said.

phil got out of the car, making sure he didn't drop any shells from his pocket.

"make sure to count those shells," i said while getting out of the car.

"i will." he said with a smile. god, those smiles still killed me. i kind of hoped that i would become immune to them after finding out he liked me, but i was also kind of grateful that i was still susceptible to the magic of phil's smile. still, it was irritating that i melted any time he felt moderately happy. it wasn't fair, it really wasn't fair.

"you wanna go to the movies tomorrow? i heard there's some good films in the cinema." i said.

"sure. my treat." he said.

"nope, you're not paying for it. i refuse to let you. you can pay for something else, but i will pay for the tickets." i said. he opened his mouth to argue, but closed it immediately after.

"we'll argue about this tomorrow. i'll go -" he started, but i interrupted.

"i'll be at your place. at eleven thirty sharp." i said. he raised his eyebrows.

"would you really?" he said.

"i will. you'll be sorry you ever doubted me." i replied.

"have you done mr folium's homework yet?" he asked.

"nope. i'll probably just google the answers." i said.

"you're going to regret doing that." he said.

"i know. but for now i'm just focusing on the present and not worrying about the future." i said.

"that's a good quote for our relationship, not so good for maths homework. but fine, you do you. i'll probably just google the answers as well." he said. i laughed.

"you're such a hypocrite." i said, shaking my head. he smirked.

"i know. it's one of the things you love about me, isn't it?" he said. i raised my eyebrows.

"your words, not mine." i said. we stood in silence, both unsure of what to say.

"i should probably get going." i said, breaking the silence.

"yeah, same." he agreed. and there it was, that perfect silence yet again.

"i really like you." i began, but not sure of what else to say.

"yeah, same." he said.

and then we kissed again. it sounds so casual, doesn't it? but it wasn't, it really wasn't. my heartbeat sped up and slowed down to match his, my palms started sweating with nerves and excitement, and my lips curled as it struggled to fathom what was happening. i wonder if every kiss with him would be like this. i wonder if i would ever stop loving him just as much. there's still so much i was unsure about, but for now i'll focus on the present and i'll let the future come when it comes. who knows how much - or how little - the world has in store for the two of us? let's face it, i'm just a seventeen year old boy really in love with another boy in my class who somehow liked me back. but couldn't be seventeen? that's all i wanted to be. and there was nowhere to go if didn't start the journey, and right now we were only just beginning.

today was a vanilla softserve sort of day, and i love vanilla softserves. signing off,

daniel howell

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