#i didnt drink last weekend so i could at the show saturday

[doebt]

It’s the weekend (for me) which means i can actually post on tumblr now. Heres my weekend plans. today im going to listen to the bright eyes rereleases and have some chill time and then later on me and kat are going to waffle house and hang out. THEN tomorrow gil is coming to spend the night for the first time since the roomie is going to be out of town. THEN on SATURDAY me and kat are going to the next town over because one of our coworkers is in a band and we are going to their concert and a bunch of our OTHER coworkers will be there too so its going to be like deeply funny and weird. Today we were joking abt how we should all show up in our little target uniforms and all

[indigo474]

31524

I feel like I have to pack my whole life into 2 days. the weekend. I have so much I want to do. I could possible try and stay up later and longer to get more things done. OR manage my time better. I've had time to think about Saturday with Marci and i'm disappointed. I think, she thought I was purposely 40 minutes late. We did talk about timing and I did say I thought the original time was too early so we worked out a time that worked for both of us. If I had a problem with the time I would have told her- which I already did.. I wouldn't do something like that on purpose. It would have been a lot nicer if she showed concern- she knows I am always on time. It makes me think about how I react or would react. just because I can understand why someone reacted the way they did doesn't make it right.. what I wanted to say when she started bitching at me was I am trying my best- because I am and I was and I had a challenging week.. The whole not drinking thing was kind of weird. I really shouldn't have to defend myself. My life my choices. I found a book on peri menopause and it turns out I am doing just about everything right. My mom called me the other night- shes been calling- its nice when she calls because that means shes in a good mood and wants to talk.. if I call her she'll take the call even if she doesn't want to talk which never ends well. She's says something to me about menopause and how it lasted 10 years for her.. she was also a raging alcoholic, a smoker,didnt eat right or exercise.. I'm hoping to not have the same experience as her.. Ive been reading a book and it turns out I am pretty much doing everything right.. I can control a lot- what I eat, exercise, sleep, stress- to a certain degree. I cant control the chemicals in my brain and that terrifies me. I have to make an appointment with my doctor..

I'm super excited for my trip to England this Summer.. We may take the train to Paris.. Oh my.. it seems far away and a dream at this time. I am nervous to do it. It's not like I can just come home if I need to. I'm not going to worry or stress-- not about this trip anyway. -

I lifted this week and got to see Kika 2 days in a row.. she is wonderful and truly the highlight of my week. I did upper and lower- upper - push pull- nothing spectacular . My arms were sore for days afterwards- i'm up to 10 push ups a day. I dead lifted 195x5x2 and 220x5x1. I love it when he asks me who it feels- it feels very heavy- very heavy. Could there be any other answer? He likes to try and make fun of me about menopause- i'm guessing a lot of women that see him are going through it. I told him all about my bad week and what I've read and so on- he suggested I start micro dosing mushrooms-i think i'm going to give it a try. A dose so low you don't actually feel it-

[midnatt-heronweather]

my blah about Cr3

Crossroads three is the stake in the demon that has been... almost 2 years without Starfury events (or any tbf)

I wanted to start a new review post for each convention but  always seem to get back and feel like i've been hit with a freight train (is it bad I've missed Connui/Con Flu???)

So this is going to be the same stream of conciousness it usually is.

I'll start by saying I wasnt there for any guests after Lisa Berry cancelled, and strangley didnt have any cosplays, but i thre together my old s2 dean and went for it on.

So I spent the weekend helping out stewarding where I could and catching up with people, you could see the bone deep relief on the faces of the Starfury regs at being back.

From where I was I could hear the talks and it al sounded really fun (and sometimes blue, as per SF) but i've not watched Supernatural religiously since aprox end of s6, so i was happy where i was.

alien to me and rather sacrilegiously I was only able to attend Friday and Saturday party, i missed the final party and so wasnt part of the Survivors photo, but the two I attended were awsome enough to keep me going to Enchanted. especially when someone randomly ('m guessing) requsted Shinedown be played.

I know in the grand scheme of things i'm no Convention vet, there are still those who've been to more cons and different cons than me, but some things just make you feel like you've made it, and one of those things for me happened on the saturday night - I helped lead a con dance I always see one for the vets - its called Joe 90 and despite the 'status' i attatch to it, i'm amazed i managed it with my DCD co-ordination issues and didn't seriously hurt anyone lol.

When I decided to go I didnt think many of those I knew or those regulars I'd know would be in attendance, but stood on that door on Friday was like a whose who of Starfury minus a few (who i hope to see at upcoming events) One pair i was suprised and delighted to come across were Kai and Harry, serving cosplay awesomness as alway.

I later found out the duo had brought 'paint stripping' mead with them (morrisons own as it turned out, the non fizzy one) and I think i over did the mock-scolding....see.. Mead is something Ally (and me to a lesser extent) is known for, just like we know we can count on Taz (and Lou, and Gareth) to help us drink it lol, so I ribbed them both and I messaged Kai a link to Ravens Forge mead hall when i had wifi, and reminded them that if me or her were around, there would always be mead offered :D.

During lockdown i'd gotten to know two members of staff better than i'd done before, thats not to say i ignored them before and takes into account the fact w had been at a few none sf cons with them in the past..Taryn and Dean who are 'local' to me (Manchester) have become sort of addicted to a city I love very much (York) and like Taz, Ally and Myself, Dean loves mead and York is.. well its the best place in the county of Yorkshire for mead, even if Hull makes one lol. Dean however has taken his love of mead further than any of us and actualy started making his own, which he brought with him to CR3, apparently they'd made too much so I got a bottle given :D it was delicious but didnt last the first night, because, (and yes i know i'm a fool) for the sake of saftey i thought it would be best to leave anything glass with someone staying at the con hotel. namely Taz and Gareth, but they enjoyed it so i'm sur Dean wouldn't mind lol and it was better for me not to have to carry glass back from Birmingham.

one of my favourite moments of the weekend has to be seeing Julian Riching (Death in SPN) lighting up when I asked him about Murdoch Mysteries and then elbow bumping me (not sur eif it was just precaution or bcause my voice on the mic sounded like i was talking through gravil and Sean, Mr Starfury himself,  had to translate for me. SEAN OF ALL PEOPLE lol

I love detective shows and Victorian things and Murdoch is both (though I guess now its Edwardian lol) , and if i'd had the werewithall to remember I could have brought out a cosplay which won me 2nd place at the masquerade the last time one of the cast came to an SF, as it was i just wnt up and asked him his memory of the show, which was pretty sharp I have to say.

It was a short one for me, like i said i didn't stay for the final night (£££) bt it was sooo worth the time I did get there. I will not go into detail but the week previous had been enough to test the patiences of someon a hell of a lot more saintly than me, I regret that there was a moment when i let the other world (the rl world) slip under my barrier and cause me to freak out a few people with unusual and what I hope others would consider out of charactar bhaviour. Awesome weekend. i feel like i've been hit with a freight train and my voice still sounds lik gravel (Connui/Conflu).

Pictures:

Pictures taken on Camera: 577 Pictures taken on phone: 360 Selfies Taken: 5

see my insta or Livejournal for pics (or Fb if your a friend)

[chappedandfadedvds]

Oct 31th, Saturday 15:27

„So here we are. Casa Stoffels.“ Jens provided happily, as they stepped into the open space, kitchen and dinning space to their right and living room on their left. And right infront of them on the floor on spread out pages of newspaper sat Robbe, Sander, Milan and Lotte. Already deeply indulged into their craft, drawing shapes and discussing designs. Knives, tools, pens and four orange pumpkins of various sizes placed in their center. 

The fifth one was currently infront of Lotte, who had taken the space next to Sander. And Jens swore to god, sometimes this boy just didnt think things through.

„Sander, you do not give my eight-year old sister a big fat sharp knife to carve into a pumpkin. And herself while she’s at it.”

„She has to learn to do it at one point.“ Sander tried to defend casually shrugging, not yet having let go of the handle of the knife, he was about to press into Lotte’s tiny hand. His sister was looking up at Jens too, almost pleading to be allowed to do it. 

„Yes, but not at eight.“ Jens insisted and then continued directly at his little sister: „Sander, can cut it open and you can hollow it out like last year, okay? Maybe you can try and help to cut some pumpkin for the soup later?“

That seemed enough to please Lotte as she happily nodded, agreeing to Jens completely, before turning back to Sander. This girl loved Sander so much. Mainly because he was always playing and fooling around with her when he was over. He remembered the huge blanket fort they had set up in her room last winter. A massive structure that englufed all furniture and stood for weeks. 

Or the one weekend, when Sander still went through the end of a depressive phase, Lotte had offered her bed to him, and then talked, and read her two-graders school work to the sad boy all day long. 

Or the one day when they spend hours online on Zoom, him rating all her drawings. 

It was great actually, because it meant that Jens and Robbe had lots of time to themselfes when they all met up. And Sander really seemed to enjoy his time with Lotte quite a bit too.

Just as he was about to ask what Lucas would like to drink, in order to be a good host and also make Lucas feel welcomed, Robbe and Milan had greeted the newly arrived boy, who replied explaining the spontaneous invitation by Jens last night. That made Lotte spun around surprised. Apparently she hadn’t noticed Lucas standing in their house at all.

„Who are you? You sound funny.“ She inquired blunt and straight forward as only a child could. 

„I���m Lucas, a new friend of your brother from school. I’m from the Netherlands actually.“ Lucas introduced himself yet again this week. He seemed a bit taken aback as she had adressed his dutch accent, but certainly amused by the little girl, who thought long about his answer and then smiled up at him.

„Okay, I’m Lotte. You can share Jens’s pumkin then.“ She decided, making everyone laugh and her instead very confused why it had prompted such a reaction.

„Sounds like a really good idea, Lotte.“ Jens agreed as soon as he had calmed down again.

„Only if I get to draw the face. You probably can’t draw shit and I’m not having an ugly ass pumpkin for Halloween.“ Lucas said leaning over just a bit towards Jens, his elbow poking his side, which made Jens suddenly realise how close they were actually standing. He turned his head just enough to find the smile he liked so much on those pretty lips. They were way too close for his comfort, especially having his sister and friends watching them.

„Sure.“ Jens barely managed to get out and then with a bit more confidence pointed towards the kitchen counter, that showed a huge glass carafe, filled to the brim. „Would you like something to drink?“

„What do you have?“ Lucas asked as they both made their way over, the others back to their task of carving the pumpkins. Only Robbe had thrown them another brief glance, Jens had noted, a bit worried if he had made his nervousness too obvious perhaps. Robbe knew him too well to not see that Jens was acting a bit off at times.

„I’ve made ice tea.“ Jens stated as he grabbed a couple of glasses from the cabinet across, placing them beside the carafe, for the others to take later as well.

„You? You made it?“ Lucas asked looking impressed and Jens felt even more proud now, that he could surprise Lucas like that, as it honestly was just ice tea. Lotte probably could have done it. He didn’t mind the boy‘s praise though.

„Yes, my mom used to do it all the time, she taught me and now I’m the ice tea chef or however you wanna call it. It is basically just green tea, with some roasted rice, and added apple and elderflower. And some honey.“ Jens explained brightly, pouring two glasses and handing one to Lucas. Their hands touched. Obviously they would, no wait they really wouldn’t. Why was Jens so affected by it? He couldn’t help himself though and watched the glass instead, as it was been brought to Lucas’s lips, who in turn never took his eyes off of Jens. Shouldn’t this be wierd? 

„Wow. This is really good. I love it. I guess I’ll move in now, knowing you are amazing at ice tea making.“ He teased grinning like an idiot and Jens just stood there, absolutely overwhelmed and even a bit insecure for fuck’s sake. He never was that. He was Jens. Jens was confident and cocky and brazen at times. Now he didn’t know what to do with himself. 

„Already moving in, isn’t that a bit hasty, shouldn’t you take me out on a date first?“ Thank god for years of flirting experience and cheesy lines, his brain seemed to still be working, even if his body has decided to fail him, as he spilled half his drink as he had tried to put his glass back down.

„Shit.“ He mumbled, already grabbing for the paperr towel by the kitchen sink.

„Let me.“ Lucas appeared directly behind him. Jens could feel the heat radiating from the boy’s body, as he reached around him, taking it from the counter. He knew if he would lean back just a little, he would fall into the body of Lucas. A thought he found way too alluring to have on a saturday afternoon, with guests just across the room. And then Lucas was gone.

„Thank you.“ Jens said smiling anyway, ignoring the little dissapointment in their distance again, as they both cleaned up the tea.

„Could you bring us some spoons, to cave them out?“ Milan asked, looking over, presenting them with his pumpkin he held high up into the air. A proper halloween pumpkin face was outlined on it’s deep orange skin and it reminded him, that they actually were doing the whole pumpkin carving thing.

„Will do.“ Jens replied loudly, already opening the drawer to pull them out.

„Alright, Mister Artist, let’s see what you can do.“ He winked at Lucas, feeling much more poised to handle having the dutch boy here, and walked over. Followed close by Lucas, who plopped down next to him once Jens had taken his place in the circle.

„No, this is your pumpkin!“ Lotte complained pointing towards the flattest one in the middle, when Lucas had dared to take the tall one next to it. „This one is mine, Sander had promised me to put a witch and a cat on it.“ She explained, as if Lucas was dumb and it was common knowledge.

„What the hell are you doing, Robbe?“ Sander questioned his boyfriends dotted pumpkin, pecking a kiss at his cheek, delighted. Only recieving a wiggle of brows in response and a short: „You will see.“

„Am I the only one doing a traditional face here?“ Milan feigned hurt and looked between their designs that started taking shape.

„What can I help it, if you are just as uninspired as most of the boring people on this earth. Bad gay.“

„Sander! Very thin ice, my friend. I am the one on the rental agreement for the flat, that you decided was your new residence.“

„No, I love you, Milan. For real. Promise. Don’t kick me out.“

„Asshole, I couldn’t even if I wanted to. You are lucky I love my little Robbe too much to put him on the street. Because I swear to god, this boy would follow you right out, if I dared.“

„Good to know.“

„You better not use that as leverage in the future.“

„I wouldn’t even dream about it.“

Maybe not having a big, loud halloween party this year wasn’t as bad, Jens thought only half listening. Instead he observed Lucas intently drawing a scary set of teeth onto the pumpkin, biting his lip in concentration. While Milan and Sander went on teasing each other, in an endless cycle of jabs and quips, much to Robbe’s and Lotte’s entertainment. 

Yes, maybe Jens could get used to this quiet bliss.

[mollydollyjournals]

Maybe I need to just like. Scream. Loudly. For a few hours.

My concentration is still so bad I'm barely getting anywhere with this same set of nails. Still. I'm trying to keep working on it but my mind is just not doing it because I feel constantly on edge. This is day 3. One set of nails! Jesus they're not that good. I take a long time to do most things but my mind is really just not functioning.

I'm feeling really particularly isolated again. I have nothing to say that might be of interest to anyone else. I dont really even know how to respond to the small amount of interaction I do get. A friend has started being more talkative in our group chat and sent me a message asking for some info on nail art techniques - maybe I'm being self centred but I feel like it could at least partially be an effort to get me talking. If so I appreciate it. But I still dont really have anything to say beyond quick surface responses.

My mum asked if I'm going to see her this weekend. I wouldn't on Sundays because she has a zoom call with relatives I dont want to talk to. It occurred to me that saturday is tomorrow. Part of me wants to go to hers and drink red wine and just connect with someone. The one person who's almost always had my back, or at least has never seriously intentionally opposed me. I want to go see my dog and my kitten and tell her that actually I'm doing pretty bad, I'll probably be divorced by xmas and sometimes I hear things that arent particularly confusing or distressing but they're definitely not real.

But that's not how it works in our dynamic. She had a serious psychotic episode when I was a teenager, and I took care of it all. My younger brother has ongoing psychosis. It's in our family. If I say I hear things she'll only panic. My doctor knows so it's not a secret - if theres one thing I learned from both of their cases, it's not to stay in denial. But theres no point telling her. And the divorce stuff? She'll internalise it. One of her children is dead, one is an ongoing psychiatric case with not much of a future because he's also actually a pretty terrible person, and the last one is me. She feels bad enough because her "marriage failed," which is a weird phrase her generation seem to use. She told me before not to date other people in case it hurts my "marriage." She'll think it's that, and start spiralling about her history with my dad and the one guy she's dated since they divorced. She won't believe me and hb were fine having other relationships and the issues arent to do with that, and I dont have the energy to talk through her stuff again.

Maybe it's getting to me more than I think. It's not like I didnt know this shitstorm was coming. But now it advances. Like I heard the forecast before, but now I can see it on the horizon. Now I have to really truly consider moving out of the house and splitting up the cats and whatever else. Thinking about it, maybe i should talk to my mum. Itll almost definitely be her I move in with if it all goes through. But then maybe I should only talk about it if I'm sure.

I dont know. I'm jealous of everyone with good parental relationships. I still havent even texted my dad for his birthday. I guess I should do that. I kind of miss when all 4 of us go back to my dad's house for drinks, us and my half brother. But that's not going to happen for a long time yet, for all kinds of reasons. Maybe it never will again. I'm catastrophising I guess. But it's hard not to with the current track record. I just feel like there isnt any evidence of positive things. Really, truly. The best thing that's happened to me recently is I sent the rented carpet cleaner off and then saw that my cat did a big healthy shit in the middle of the carpet. I have to be happy about that because it means hes not losing his guts to diarrhea and vomiting like he was before. But I still have to deal with a hygienic nightmare and probably a stressed cat picking up on my mental state. And I still have to gauge the whole situation based on a literal pile of shit.

I feel like thinking positive is just kidding myself and giving into my genetic tendency towards psychosis. If I'm going to convince myself of something that isnt real in order to make myself feel better, why not lose myself in a fantasy entirely? I should just build an entire world where everything is okay and lock myself away in it. Why stop at just telling myself that this one bad thing or another won't happen.

I try my best to stay grounded in reality to avoid ending up in that kind of mental state. But reality is fucking tiring. I know my life isnt the worst in the world by far, I dont mean that. But we're all going through some extra shit these past couple of years. I struggle not to take that on too. Not that it even helps. We had a mass shooting here today and I'm thinking about the people who thought they were safe because they live in England where firearms are extremely rare, the parents of the child who died, the people living in that area who will feel so unsafe now, and all the pro-gun lobbyists in the US who will use this as a reasoning that gun control doesn't work thus keeping millions of other people at risk as long as those laws dont change. But god. I would be dead many times over if guns were as easy to buy here as they are over there.

And then I think about all the people that have been lost to situations like that. I'm multiracial and have family in multiple different places - I was always raised with the idea that you dont stop caring about people just because they're not in the same country as you. And it's true, you shouldnt. But I've internalised a lot of it as fear and sorrow and idk what else. Just bad feelings. Feeling like the world is such a terrible place, that I cant deal with my own suffering, and that if I can't deal with that then what about the people who have it worse? What can I do??

What can I do for anyone when I cant even paint a single set of nails?

I'm sure of all kinds of bad things happening. I dont want to be. Some of them I couldnt prove, so maybe it's just my mind. Many look likely. I dont know how to deal. I am all the worst parts of each of my parents and this is the result. I wish therapy was more of a thing last century. They should never have had kids. My older brother got off easy by dying. Incidentally I have to somehow gather money for his gravestone soon as nobody else in my family ever offered to help my parents with it in all this time and it's only just been put up now when I said I'd help my mum with it. I never even fucking met him. My life is like a bad tv show. Not an interesting one, not a well written drama or tragedy, just bad.

[suckerfordeansfreckles]

I got one! Um, cas calling Dean late at night cause he was sick, and dean was worried, and cas just wants some comfort, and it might just devolve cuz dean just can't help his love of cas and his growly sick voice . . . And cas may have already known that lol.

Soup & Syrup on AO3

Word count: 1.548 words

Rating: General Audience

Some tags: soft boys, best friends to lovers, sick Cas, AU, gentle caretaker Dean, getting together, no real kisses though because Cas is SICK

Note: @ladygotsoul I hope you like this, love, and it made you feel as soft and happy as it made my own currently sick (and possibly using this fic to project and wish lol) ass. I adore you

“Hello, Dean,” Cas says, as soon as the call connects.

“Hey, Cas,” Dean mumbles into the speaker, sounding soft and half-asleep. “Fuck, you don’t sound so good.”

“Yeah, it’s—” he has to break off into a coughing fit, returning to the phone with his voice sounding even raspier. And it speaks volumes that even he himself notices it. “It’s gotten worse.”

He started feeling sick two days ago, throat raw and hurting, every part of his body in pain as if he’ll burn up with fever any second. Then he had to cancel their weekly study date in the library this afternoon, to stay home and take a quick nap that accidentally ended up four hours long and left him groggy and sweaty and weird.

Dean has been sending him texts, five since he cancelled earlier, and as soon as Cas felt awake and present enough to respond, he called.

This is where they are now, around 1 a.m. on a Saturday. He didn’t really stop to look at the clock before he called Dean, but — well. He was just hoping Dean would be awake, maybe out with friends. He was just hoping that maybe, maybe, Dean would come by and dote a little on him. Just because having his best friend around always makes him feel better. Not because he craves Dean’s presence, his palm on Cas’ forehead and his hands tucking him in beneath his blanket. Absolutely not.

“— over? Cas?” Dean speaks against his ear, low and urgent, and Cas realizes that he hasn’t been listening at all during the past few moments.

“Sorry?” he rasps. “I spaced out for a bit.”

“How are you feeling?” he asks, and this time it’s soft, but still somewhat urgent.

“I feel a little better, spent most of the evening asleep and drinking tea. I’m just… groggy and weird. And my cough isn’t going away,” Cas says. Maybe pouts, but Dean can’t see that, so he’s good for now.

“I have some cough syrup at home. You want me to come over and bring it?” Dean shoots back immediately, no hesitation in his voice.

“It’s way too late, but thank you. Maybe tomorrow you cou—” his voice breaks in the middle of his sentence, and that hurts his throat so much, that he falls into another coughing fit. He tries to cover it by pressing his phone against his sweater-covered stomach and coughing into the crook of his arm, but as soon as his lungs have calmed down and he pulls his phone back to his ear to restart his sentence, Dean interrupts.

“I’m coming over,” he says, worried and determined. “I’m picking up soup and bringing the syrup. You need anything else?”

Cas is stunned into a few seconds of silence, can’t help the way his heart clenches in his chest with happiness and something way too close to the desperate love he has been suppressing for months, now. “I — Thank you, Dean. That — You’re amazing. Maybe you could bring a change of clothes and… stay over, tonight?”

“Sure,” Dean breathes. “Okay, be there in 15. Don’t fall asleep on me.”

And before Cas can reply anything at all, Dean ends the call and Cas is left alone with his thoughts.

He realizes, suddenly, how disgusting he currently is. He rips open the windows in his bedroom and living room, hopes for a breeze that will bring in some fresh air, and hops into his shower — hoping that his downstairs neighbors won’t hate him for all the noise at 1:27 a.m.

When he steps out of the shower after a quick scrubbing and the cool air hits him, he starts shivering like crazy. It doesn’t seem to matter how long he uses his towel to rub himself dry, how he uses his blow-dryer for the first time in ages or that he puts on sweatpants and two pairs of socks and his coziest sweater, he’s still shaking when he sinks down on his couch and wraps a blanket around himself. At least he isn’t smelling so bad anymore. Just in case Dean feels like giving im a hug, or something.

Cas is fighting sleep again, head lolling back against the headrest of the couch, when Dean arrives and Cas hears him unlock the front door.

Dean switches on the lights as he steps inside and closes the door behind himself, and as soon as Cas managed to blink his eyes open in the bright light, he finds Dean slipping out of his shoes, a soft smile on his lips and a plastic bag in his hand.

“Hey there,” he says, pulling off his jacket and closing the distance between them to sink down on the couch next to Cas, one leg pulled up so he’s facing Cas.

“Hello,” Cas rasps, sitting up so he can look at Dean.

“I got some chicken broth and this vegetable thing, wasn’t sure what you’d want.” Dean pulls the containers from the bag, sets them down on the table and leans back again. “When was the last time you had some food?”

“I had some cereal for breakfast today, but  mostly I just… didn’t feel hungry at all. I could eat now, though. I take the vegetable thing and you can have chicken,” he says, trying to suppress a smile at the way Dean lights up with relief.

“Awesome,” Dean laughs, and then he’s up and rummaging through Cas’ kitchen for spoons.

They eat in silence, straight from the plastic containers, sitting side by side and gently bumping elbows every now and then. When they are done, Dean grabs Cas’ spoon and fills it with the cough syrup, going as far as raising it up to Cas’ lips so he can slurp it up in an, unfortunately, very unattractive way that has both of them snorting a little.

“Thank you,” Cas says. “Seriously, for everything.”

“Dude, of course. You sounded — I mean, honestly, you still don’t sound so good. All… growly,” he blushes a little, and Cas can’t do anything but find him unreasonably delightful.

“Yeah?”

“Yes,” Dean clears his throat. “Growly and raspy. Um. And with the red nose and flushed cheeks.”

“You like that?” Cas can’t help but ask, and he’ll just blame this bluntness on the raising fever later on.

Dean blushes even harder, a lovely shade of crimson that has his eyes looking impossibly greener. “I mean —I like your voice plenty enough, when you’re healthy and feeling good.”

“You do?” Cas grins, voice pitched even lower, and he can’t help but laugh at the way Dean shivers and sinks into the couch a little deeper. “Do you wanna watch something?” he asks, so Dean can deflect in that way he always likes to do.

“Sure, yeah,” he coughs, eyes averted. He gets up and starts Netflix on the tv, starting up season one of Brooklyn 9/9, Cas’ most favorite comfort show. When he sinks back on the couch, it’s a little closer by Cas’ side.

They watch for a little while before Cas starts to shiver again, so Dean wanders off to get Cas’ blanket and switch off the lights. When he returns to the couch, Cas is stretched out along the edge. “Would you… hold me?” he asks, raspy and honestly quite miserable.

Dean looks down at him a little hesitant for a few long seconds, but then he smiles wide and determined, blurts “sure,” and snuggles down between Cas and the back of the couch and carefully wraps his arms around Cas’ middle. “This okay?” he asks, pulling the soft blanket up around them.

“Mhm,” Cas sighs softly, “very much so.” He melts back against Dean’s chest, and feels Dean’s heart pick up speed just like his own is doing. “This is nice. I’ve been… hoping for this.”

“Yeah?” Dean asks, breathless and quiet. His arms tighten around Cas’ waist, head tipping down until his nose is buried in Cas’ wild hair. “Me too. Didn’t really think it’d happen this way, but… I will not complain.”

Cas turns in his arms, until he can look up at his face, and his stomach feels all warm and fuzzy. “I adore you,” he says, and Dean’s lips stretch into the cutest smile ever.

“I adore you, too,” Dean whispers back, but when he leans down, Cas ducks away so his lips land on Cas’ forehead instead of against his own lips.

“I’m sorry,” he rumbles. “But as much as I want this, I’m not gonna get you sick, too. You can kiss me all you want as soon as whatever-this-is is finally over, though.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes. As much as you want,” Cas mumbles, and then he buries his head against Dean’s shoulder and unabashedly breathes in his woodsy, leathery smell for the very first time ever.

Maybe they end up not watching any tv at all. Maybe Cas falls asleep buried against Dean’s shoulder in mere seconds. Maybe they spend all of the weekend wrapped up on the couch together, only interrupted by Dean cooking some food and brewing tea and feeding Cas cough syrup.

Maybe, just maybe, Cas falls impossibly harder for his best friend during those few days cooped up together — and tells him so by the end of the weekend.

Tag list: @planetahmane  @justyourordinaryfangirl @winchester-cas @castielinparadise @trxye-sxvxn @runtosleepdreamer @Destielhoneybee  @breathingdestiel @wellofwoes @xxgoldensnowflake @dshelley @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover @robotsnchicks @jemariel  @reallyelegantsharkfish  @mellomish  @frecklessaver   @jasminrogue  @skittles-rainbow-cat  @Insecureadult  @fpwoper  @imbiowaresbitch  @destielsangel  @elaspn @didnt-survive-twist-and-shout @mercenarydestiel    @a-pastel-pan   @7faerielights  @kathrinerose  @nerd-litteraire  @wingsandimpalas  @casbean  @miasif @petrichoravellichor @trenchcoatsandfreckles @sleephawhoneedsit @vibraniumarm @youreabadliar @inlovewithsaturn @super-powerful-queen-slayyna @brangaene @all-or-nothing-baby @mishka-the-angel-of-saturday @error-name-not-in-this-dimension @elizaeverafter@letofarrell @apieceofurmind @notfunnydean @winchester-ofthe-lord @love-neve-dies @korppikasvo @imafluffyjellybean @carry-on-my-wayward-hunter

If you want to be added to - or removed from - the tag list, just let me know with a quick message

[darkdevasofdestruction]

Day 3 : Kiss - Ezio Auditore

“Come on, Kat, it’s gonna be fun, I promise!” Claudia whined, holding both of my hands, looking up at me with puppy eyes. “No, Claudia, it’s not gonna be fun. I don’t want to have a joint birthday party. I know your birthday is on January 2nd, and mine on the 3rd, but...But come on, I’m so used to people forgetting about my birthday, it’s not even fun anymore. I’m sure it’s just gonna be you who remembers, and the rest would just celebrate your birthday or something, so what’s the point?” I sigh, plopping on the bed, hanging my head in disappointment. “Hmm...Okay, how about this! Let’s make a party this weekend, now that December finally started and it was the 1st snow already? It’s just gonna be the two of us, Federico, Ezio and Petruccio, and my house. It’s family! And it’s gonna be okay to get drunk, nobody’s gonna judge, right? Federico and Ezio get drunk ALL the time and nobody bats an eye, and besides, Petruccio is finally 18 and he is legal to drink! So many great things happening this year!” the younger girl chirped in glee, making me groan and lay on the bed completely. “I don’t know what to say...Not my best year.” I smile sardonically, looking up at her. “Oh, fuck that, he was a shithead and you know it! Everybody knows it! He was nothing and WILL be nothing! You deserve a break from all this...This mess, okay? You deserve to be happy and have someone who loves you! And let me tell you, Ezio is head over heels with you! -...Wait...Shit, I shouldn’t have told you that...Urgh.” she facepalmed and started mildly panicking, before giggling awkwardly. “Ezio...The guy who sleeps around and stuff...? Who doesn’t flirt with me or shows even the smallest hint...? Likes me...? Spare me, Claudia. I know he’s your brother, but...Just because he’s your family, doesn’t make him right for me.” I shake my head, getting up, ready to leave the room, but she stops me. “Wait, no, don’t go, please! Look, this was supposed to be a secret, okay? Ezio has been into you since you started hanging out with me and I kept telling you how nice you are, showed him your Facebook and Instagram, would sometimes show him our snaps and so on...I overheard him asking Federico for advice 2 years ago. It’s just...He’s trying to learn more about you so you won’t dislike him, but he’s very shy about actually being himself around you. And he hasn’t been whoring around, actually. So, uhm...If you decide to come over...The party is this Saturday, bring sweets, please. I’ll make sure to make your favourite shots.” she explaiend before letting go of my arm, letting me go home, able to overthink all my life choices.

Should I go? I mean...Ezio IS a lovely person, or at least, that’s what I could see. But so were my Ex’s, at the beginning, and it was all a facade, making everything go down in the flames of hell.

Why must decisions be so complicated?

-----

I get over my shyness and go buy some cookies from the bakery and make my way over to the Auditore Villa, where I had to stay for about 5 minutes in front of the door to convince myself to go for it... So I put my hand on the handle and get in, being greeted by the beautiful smell of Italian cuisine, namely, Pizza.

I go in the kitchen slowly, feeling not very welcomed, but I see the Auditores drinking wine together waiting for the Pizza to get cooked.  They all looked so merry and cheerful together...What the hell was I even doing here, intruding in a family party? What an idiot...

I turned around to slowly make my presence unobserved, but that couldn’t happen because Ezio raised from the table in shock, saying my name a little louder than preferable, making everyone’s attention focus on me.

“Katrina, cara mia, what are you doing here?” Ezio asked, making his way to me. “Uhm...I brought cookies?” I said unsure of myself, looking away. “I asked her to come for our party! I bet you’re happy I did, right, guys?!” she grinned at us, but I could only shoot her a very poisonous glare. “Si, of course we are happy Kat is here! The room suddenly became much brighter!” Ezio cheered, bringing me to the table, letting me sit between me and Claudia. “Uh...Right...Whatever you say.” I mutter, putting the bag of cookies on the table and biting my lip at how awkward I felt, not exactly knowing what to say or do. “Aww, Kat, I’m so happy you are here! Hey, Federico, make the B52 shots, Kat is here so we can celebrate and do party games!” Claudia cheered, making me sweatdrop. “Food first, then alcohol. You’ll just end up sick and with a nasty hangover.” I shrug, trying to look out for her. “Experience?” Petruccio asked in a shy voice. “Yes. Others’ experience. Makes for a ton of entertaining material, if you ask me.” I chuckle softly, only able to gaze in Claudia’s direction. “And what great timing, the pizza’s ready!” Federico chuckled already putting the pizza on the table - One pizza for him, one for Claudia and Petruccio...And one for me and Ezio. Am I reading too much into it, or is there a conspiracy theory going on here? “Ezio did these. He’s the best at making pizza out of everyone here.” Claudia winked, making me roll my eyes in annoyance. “Sure, but I’m the best at Pasta, you can’t deny that.” Federico chuckled, making Ezio laugh.  “Well...Guess Claudia was right. You did a nice job with this.” I admitted in shock at how great it was, especially compared to the ones at pizzerias or restaurants. “100% Italian quality right here, baby!” he fist pumped, making me let out an amused breath. “Bring the shots! Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot!” Claudia chants, getting joined by Petruccio, while I looked at her with amusement, one of my eyebrows raised in confusion. “Someone’s rather enthusiastic to get drunk. But fine, be that way.”

We went to the living-room, on the carpet, waiting in a circle for Federico to come with the chocolate shots already so we can play our party games, which was basically Truth or Dare for the most part, but we were so lazy or tipsy from the high intake of alcohol (SOME of us) that we preferred to just play Truth or Truth, so we won’t have to get up.

It seems though that Claudia and Petruccio couldn’t hold their liqueur at all, so they became sick and had to go to the bathroom and puke, while Federico, despite being close to drunk himself, had to go take care of them, while I remained wobbly, humming to myself some random songs that came into my mind while cleaning up some of the mess that we made, only to notice that Ezio remained behind as well.

“What are you singing, bella?” he asked randomly, making me turn around at him in slight confusion. “Uh...Just some Christmas songs, I guess. My friends keep singing them, you hear them on the radio too...Kinda got them stuck in mind head, I s’ppose.” I shrug, looking away from him, busying myself as a way to not look rude. “May I ask you something, Kat?” Ezio asks, getting in front of me and resting his arm on the table, looking straight at me. “Uhm...What is it?” I mutter, feeling awkward as hell. “Have you been avoiding me? Have I done something that annoyed you so much that you act so cold with me?” he asked with the most serious, yet puppy looking face I’ve ever seen on him. “I-I didnt avoid you, okay? And if I did, I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry.” I tried to reason with him, but he only shook his head and sighed. “I may be tipsy, but I’m not stupid, Kat. If something that I’m doing is bothering you, then I’d like you to tell me so I can stop, okay?” Ezio pressed the subject, making me rake my fingers through my hair. “Okay, fine, look...I will be straight with you, I guess. I’ve been pondering a lot of things this week and...My head hurts like hell because of it, I have to admit. Claudia invited me to this party just before she let it slip that you have a crush on me or something and since Monday I’ve been trying to sort out my feelings and judgement, and honestly, I don’t know what to say or do. So yeah, sorry for being cold and distant, it wasn’t on purpose or anything, I have nothing against you.” I bit my lip in annoyance, not really up for a heart-to-heart conversation with a person that makes my heart feel like it has a panic attack. “Claudia told me about what happened with those jerks in the past. I can only imagine how bad it would be for you and I can only imagine how bad it must have hurt you that it made you not believe in true love anymore. Before she told me about it, I wanted to try my chance and ask you out very soon, but what chance do I have with someone like you?” he chuckled as his cheeks got faintly pinker. “Uhm...Shouldn’t it be the other way around?” I snorted in mock-amusement, but it made him shake his head vehemently, gripping my shoulders. “You, cara mia, are an amazing person, okay? Beautiful, smart, talented, funny, kind? Literally so perfect? And I’m what? A guy with a pretty face, fabulous hair and a bad reputation.” he shrugged dramatically, making me stifle my laugh. “I don’t know, Ezio, the last guy told me he dated me out of pity. I’m not sure where my self-esteem lies anymore, you feel me?” I give him a self-deprecating half-smile, but it only caused his expression to change from dramatic to offended. “Oddio santo, if I ever see that guy, he’s dead. How dare he treat such a beautiful soul like that? If anything else, you were with him out of pity!” he spoke out, shaking his head. “To be fair...I never actually loved any of my ex’s. Is that sad? I don’t know. You think you like someone, but then you realise that you just made yourself like the person for the sake of a relationship and...When you get to the point when you just want to get the hell out of it, you realise that it was all for nothing. It’s pretty sad, y’know?” I confess, looking away, but from the corner of my eye I could see him nodding slightly. “I know I’m basically out of your league, but would you let me show you that true love exists? Would you allow me to help you believe in it again?” Ezio leans in closer to me, one of his hands on my face, caressing it gently, as I leaned into his touch by reflex, as he let out an amused, adoring breath. “I mean...What’s the worst thing that could happen anyways? It can’t get any worse than what I’ve already been through, so...Okay, Ezio, do your magic.” I smile timidly, looking away. “Trust me, mi fiore, I won’t make regret it.” he ushered as he cupped my face and leaned in, planting a long and loving kiss on my lips, as I could only put my hands on his chest, too out of it to know what to do. “W-Well...I’m pretty sure I won’t regret it.” I managed to say after a while. “Oh~? Did you like that, Kitten?” Ezio teased me, as I could only chuckle shyly, nudging him slightly. “Hey, I mean, compared to my first kiss, that was a tongue-forced one, in front of a public toilet...This was heavenly, okay?” I cover my mouth with my hand as I laugh at the stupid memory, only to have my hand snatched away and kissed by the Italian boy. “And it will only get better from here on. Also, I’m so happy Claudia told Federico about that shot mix, ‘cause chocolate tastes so good on your lips.” he smirks, but he wasn’t expecting me putting my hands on his neck to steal a quick kiss from him, leaving him stunned and blushing. “Awww, I guess I have competition, ‘cause you sure tasted so damn sweet too~.” I wink at him playfully before chuckling at how adorable he looked. “Ay ay ay, cara mia, you’re going to be the death of me.” was the last thing he could say before we went to check on the others, who apparently all fell asleep.

I suppose...Sometimes it’s nice to face your fears and be brave in your decision to take risks and have such a nice win.

And so much more free, 100% genuine Italian pizza!

[lancetuckershairgel]

Summary: Chris and Lily have lunch together and Chris and Erin discuss Lucy's situation.

Words: 1,535

Warnings: child neglect, emotions

Tag List: @jobean12-blog @book-dragon-13 @southernbell91 @marvelgirl7 @buckysforeverprincess @jamesbarnesappreciationsociety @buckysteveloki-me @msruchita @mycupoffanfictionreplies

Tuesday finally came and Chris had never been so ready to get to work as he was that day. Instead of spending the weekend relaxing Chris worried about Lucy. He woke up early Saturday after a night of restless sleep and staked out the local food bank. He hoped Lucy would show up but when it closed there had been no sign of the girl. He drove around town hoping he'd be able to find her but nothing turned up. He had even checked the station to see if she'd been picked up for hitting up another gas station. Nothing. 

As soon as he got to his office Tuesday he called Erin. After a few rings she answered. 

"Hey, I need a favor."

"Okay, I'll try." Erin said then Chris could hear her order her coffee. He tapped his fingers against his desk as he waited for her to finish. "Sorry, what's up?"

"I need an address. Lucy."

"Is something wrong?"

Chris explained what had happened on Friday night and Erin sighed. 

"I'll text you as soon as I get in. I'll talk to her."

"Thanks Erin, good luck."

"You want to meet for a drink tonight? I know it's a weekday but we should talk about this."

"I agree. Six okay?"

"Good for me."

Chris hung up and went about his day. He tried to get his mind off of Lucy by interacting with the students and stay busy but he couldn't seem to focus on his given tasks. Around noon Chris went into the lunchroom to grab a slice of pizza. The cafeteria ladies greeted him with flirtatious smiles and he blushed and attempted small talk. He was used to the under the radar advances from his female coworkers, the price of being handsome his mother always told him, even the vice principal had made a pass at him just last week. He normally laughed it off and occasionally flirted back but he was in no position to start a relationship. He wasn't in the right head space that day and was completely oblivious when the cashier had basically asked him out when she made a comment about knowing a really good pizza place in the next town. 

When Chris exited the line he scanned the room for a place to sit. His eyes fell on Lily. She was wearing the same purple sweater she wore every day and she was sitting by herself. Her hair was a bit unkempt and she looked tired. Chris made his way over and sat across from her. 

"Hi Lily. Do you remember me?" 

Lily looked up and instantly brightened at the appearance of her playground friend. 

"Hi!" She frowned, her small lips poking out into a pout "I forgot your name."

"Chris." He chuckled 

"Chris!" Lily repeated with a nod "Why are you sitting here?" 

"Well, I saw you sitting alone and I didnt want to sit alone so I thought we could eat lunch together."

"Okay." Lily seemed satisfied with that answer and went back to looking at her unopened lunchbox "No one ever wants to sit with me."

"Why not?" Chris asked as he took a bite of his pizza "You're great company."

"I never have any cool snacks to trade. Just yucky crackers." Lily paused then leaned across the table and whispered "but today I have a surprise! Don't tell anyone cuz I don't want to trade." 

"What kind of surprise?" Chris whispered back, his eyebrows raised and eyes wide with equal excitement for Lily 

Lily opened her lunch box and as she was pulling out a small baggie Chris looked inside to see a half eaten cheese stick that looked too soft to be safe to eat and a small pack of crackers. Lily opened the bag and exposed three small pieces of broken chocolate. 

"Chocolate!" Lily continued to whisper with a bright smile 

"That's a very cool snack. I wouldn't want to trade either."

"Do you want a piece?" Lily picked up one and held it out to Chris 

"No but thank you. You eat your chocolate and enjoy it." 

"Okay." Lily popped the piece in her mouth "I got a whole bar on Friday and I've been eating little bits at a time because I wanted it to last."

"Good idea." Chris nodded and glanced at her lunch again "Did you already eat your sandwich?"

"I didn't have a sandwich."

"Lunchable?"

Lily shook her head. 

"No just this." 

Chris frowned. That wasn't an appropriate meal for a five year old. 

"Do you want pizza?"

"They don't let me get any because I don't gots any money." 

Chris frowned harder. He hated the county's lunch system and the way they denied kids a meal if they didn't have money in their account.  Some of these kids only ate at school. The system was so messed up yet the higher ups only cared about the money, not the benefit of the student. 

"Here." Chris slid his tray across to Lily who blinked up at him with surprise 

"What?" 

"Eat, honey." 

"Thank you." Lily said quietly and began to eat the pizza hungrily, not bothered by the fact that Chris had already taken a bite of it. 

That afternoon Chris left work in a hurry and climbed into his cruiser. He put the address Erin had text him earlier into the navigation system and drove off in the direction he was told. While driving a hundred different scenarios went through his head but none of them were what he saw when he pulled in front of the home.  A two story house with a freshly manicured lawn and a picket fence. Not what he was expecting. He climbed out and got the bag of groceries from the trunk and made his way up the walkway. He knocked on the door and as he waited he noticed a monogramed sign that said "Brookwood". He frowned. A moment later a young woman opened the door. She looked shocked to see a police officer standing on her porch and she shifted the baby that was perched in her arms to the other hip. 

"Can I help you, Officer?" She asked confused 

"Yeah, I'm sorry to bother you Miss but do you know someone by the name of Lucy?"

The woman wrinkled her nose with puzzlement and shook her head. 

"I'm sorry, I don't know anyone by that name."

Chris apologized, feeling a bit embarrassed and defeated. He went back to his car and text Erin. 

"Really? That was what the file said. Maybe they moved?" 

"Maybe. This just keeps getting weirder."

"We'll talk about it at the bar."

At the bar Chris and Erin sat in silence, both taking long sips of their beer as they contemplated Lucy's predicament. 

"She's been fine since you left. I haven't had to pull her out of class and haven't heard anything from her teachers." 

Erin had decided a while back to not tell Chris about the incident in the bathroom with Lucy. It would only make him feel guilty. Erin had tried to communicate and check up on Lucy but she only received silent glares in return. 

Chris told Erin about Lily and the empty lunchbox today and Erin gave a sad shrug of her shoulders. 

"The government is failing these kids and nothing is going to change unless people start speaking up about it." 

Chris agreed and emptied his beer bottle. 

"I just don't know what to do to help them. Not just Lucy and Lily but all of the other kids that are in these situations." 

"You can't save everyone Chris." Erin reached over and took his hand, giving it a comforting squeeze "Follow your heart. You always end up making the right choices." 

Chris gave her a weak smile. The right choice wasn't always the easiest however. After leaving the bar he went to the station. He sat down at the computer and pulled up Lucy's father's file. 

"He's got warrants in four different states including California." Chris text Erin "Mostly drug charges but he's been in and out of jail since he was younger than Lucy. Domestic violence too."

The file had no address and indicated the man's whereabouts was unknown. Chris decided to look up Lucy's name to see if she had a record. Thankfully she had never been arrested but he did pull a file from social services. Normally he'd need a warrant to do so but he didn't have the time to go through the process of putting in the order and waiting for a judge to approve it. Lucy had been in and out of foster care several times, mostly during her father's incarceration for drugs. There was a second file attached to Lucy's and when Chris clicked it his heart fell. There, staring back at him with big brown eyes, was a photograph of a little girl about three years old. There was no mistaking that it was Lily. 

"Lucy and Lily are sisters?" Chris spoke under his breath "Of course they are." 

Chris closed out the program and rubbed his face. He had reached nothing but dead ends but he knew one thing. He had to find those girls. 

[fe-li-ci-ti-es]

4.14.19

I had a crazy weekend, a real wild one, one of the most wild of the semester.. On friday I went downtown with Cheri and Charmaine after stopping at Chad’s party. We went to cornerstone/dogwood/alchemy. A group of 3 guys approached us and told us one of their buds just turned 21 so I said me too but when they asked when my birthday was I totally goofed and said march but they didn’t even catch it. Also, I saw my old friend matthew which really surprised me because I didnt think he would go to a bar. Jess was supposed to go with us but she decided not to because it was supposed to rain. I had a lot of fun dancing and getting us free drinks and only made out with one guy, who was an okay kisser and pretty cute but he turned out to be a marine. We avoided tequila entirely which was good but did a lot of sugary jolly rancher shots. At Alchemy there was a guy who was being aggressive and tried to lift up my skirt so I literally elbowedhim, then walked away and shooed him off like byee. I’m so glad I defended myself. Unfortunately, I ended up losing my keys that night… also, Tyler saw that we were down town and despite not having seen him since december, he showed up and actually gave us a ride to snoopy’s and then went home without even expecting anything.

Sam and josh hung out last night so I wonder if they talked about me. I woke up early and went to the record store day with aubrey (hungover as hell) but it was still fun and I even got a present for my friend daniel. Maybe it was too expensive actually.. I liked the record store but I felt like I didn’t have a need to buy anything since I just use spotify. I also got smoothies which were amazing. Aubrey is so nice and she even gave me a ride to the post office!! She is so kind and not judgemental and fun. Also, I ended up purging a lot this weekend. I think a few times saturday/friday and once today. I need to get back to eating normally!

Then I went to dr byrds party with cheri on saturday. It was wild. People were very drunk and I didn’t expect that since it was day time. I talked to jameel and dr A for a while and really enjoyed talking to Abby and Jake as well. I played big beer pong with cheri and we were the reigning champs but we were so bad and running all over the place. Jeremy was there and he gave me 2 hugs and was being so nice, I was even on his team in cornhole and I killed it. I don’t think I’ve ever been so good at cornhole. I didn’t drink very much there. I thought it would be funny to try to get our professors to do a keg stand but it kind of backfired on me because I planted the idea in Kat’s head and then she started chanting for random people to do it. she did the keg stand first. eventually I got chanted up and I didn’t want to do it but yknow, peer pressure and all. I tucked in my shirt and put my hair up and then they picked me up and it was actually cool. I’m glad I didn’t wear shorts there. People said I did good lol. Jake also plays piano and I wish we could have played the piano at byrds house. I kind of wanted to check out the piano bar down town too. Later Tim was talking about going down town so we got it in our heads to go down town and then people in my frat decided to as well so we went down town for the 2nd night in a row. It was cheri, chris, and jess and I. I kept worrying about Chris’ opinion of me so I couldn’t really have a lot of fun. I’m glad I didn’t drink a lot, I think Chris kept me in check. It wasnt as fun as the night before because none of them drank very much and it was super crowded. Chris and I danced and he was a good dancer and I wish we danced more, but I don’t think he is into me at all. For some reason I just really like him. I can tell he is a good person. There were lots of potential cute guys there but I only wanted to dance with him. Well, we ran into 2 APO brothers that I met at the smash tournament I hosted on Thursday and both were cute. So I ended up dancing with one and making out with him because he was pretty hot. At the end of the night, he picked me up from my dorm and I drove his car to his place and we sort of had a one night stand but there wasnt an amazing physical connection or anything it was just okay. I really liked cuddling with his cute cat though. I listened to the band wilco again today. Also he is one of jeremy’s frat brothers so that is kind of odd. I didn’t get very much sleep… I got brunch with andrea and caught up with her but I could tell she isn’t super happy in her life right now and that made me feel sad for her.. she is at a dead end job and feels confused about her path.. I hope I could cheer her up a little. Finally, I had chapter and the senior roast and all the seniors were rowdy and then I watched game of thrones with Vincent! 

[eaglebones-falconhawk]

ok. heres a write up of my astro weekend. sorry it’s so long. 

...or at least everything i can remember. 

i guess i’ll go in order. 

thursday: 

thursday was in athens. i sat around my airbnb room for a bit and then finally decided to go check out a shop around 2 pm. well apparently that fuckin shop was literally next door bc as soon as I turned around from loading up the parking meter, Birdstuff was there with the sound guy (his friend). I said hi and we talked for a bit, then I went into the store. I got a cool sweater and a cute dress and the girl at the counter took my picture to put on their instagram.  I checked out a few more shops in the area before I went back. Also, Reel Big Fish were playing literally right up the road and I heard them rehearsing. 

I got to the venue right before the doors opened and ran into a guy from the fan facebook group. we talked for a bit and he said he flew in from new york for the show. super nice dude. I went in and no one checked if i had a ticket or id’ed me or anything. kinda weird. Anyway i just kinda sat there for a while while people came in. avona nova waved at me when she showed up, then coco said hi later while I was talking to someone. the other guy was like “you know that guy...i feel like i should know him!” I had to tell him who it was, I thought that was pretty funny. 

I also saw Birdstuff again before their set. He gave me a setlist but only if i promised not to look at it. I shoved it in my pocket and forgot about it til the next day. lol.  Their set was really good. They opened with one of my favorite songs, and played the MST3K theme song. They also played one new song. Coco grabbed my head during one of the intro samples. Birdstuff also fed a chunk of pizza to the guy next to me.  Oh shit, I almost forgot about Pylon. They played before astroman and were AMAZING. Also Vanessa (the singer) told me she liked my jacket when i picked up their new record from the merch table. I’m really really glad I got to see them.

After the set I stuck around to say hi and stuff. Me and my new buddy from the facebook group both talked to coco for a bit. I showed him my tattoo and he said he’d make sure i’d be on the guest list for the rest of the weekend buuut that never happened. I dont think he was lying or forgot but I never did get on that guest list :/. I gave him and everyone but star crunch some stickers. Avona Nova asked me about my shoes, and she was so into them. It was adorable! I love her.  That’s about it for thursday night.  Friday: 

The friday show was in atlanta. I went to check out the botanical gardens in athens before i left town. it was unsurpisingly not that great on the last day of november but i still enjoyed it. it was nice to go for a peaceful walk through nature and i still got to see some cool plants. I left and drove to atlanta and went to my favorite shop in little 5 points, then left because i didnt wanna deal with people or traffic anymore. (i still got stuck in traffic). I did get a cool MoAM magnet though. 

The show in atlanta was in the same place i saw them last year- except they expanded so the venue was about twice as big. i got there kinda early (they also opened the doors way later than advertised) so i sat with one of birdstuff’s friends/the sound guy for a while. hes a really nice guy and showed me pictures of his cats. he also introduced me to some other people that work at saturn.

the merch table was on the old stage and i fell a little bit and almost spilled my drink on star crunch who was unloading tshirts. he was like “oh...hi”. after the show he told me his dog died :/

 the first 2 opening bands were kinda weird but i had fun watching them. Arcwelder played and I really enjoyed seeing them. I think i’m gonna try and get some of their cds. I saw coco in the audience again and i think he waved at me but i cant remember if he said hi. my new buddy was kind of impressed that any of the band members did say hi though. lol.  i think avona nova musta said hi that night too bc at some point he was like “you’re like the astro-insider”. I thought it was hilarious. 

The set for this night was pretty great. they opened with With Automatic Shutoff again but it sounded way better. they also did a few improv songs, and played the mst3k song again, but it wasnt on the set list. Coco fell at some point during the set and kicked me in the face a little bit. I told him afterward and he felt really bad. He also knocked over one of the monitors when he fell, and i had to hold it up with 2 other guys to keep it from falling. I got to wear coco’s helmet for a minute but its heavy and smelly so i put it on someone else as soon as i could. also henry (the guy who put all the shows together as his birthday party) told me he was really glad i came. it was kinda weird but it was nice. kinda made me wanna cry though. 

After the show i stuck around for a bit. this time i did get to talk to the band a bit more. I asked star crunch how he was doing and he was like “i’ve had better weeks....my dog just died” UM. OKAY. he did seem really sad though. i feel bad for him. hes such a nice man. We talked for a bit and I gave him some of the stickers i made.  birdstuff knew i was going to drive from atlanta to birmingham for the next show so he offered to find me a place to stay as they all claimed “the drive back was really boring”. star crunch was like “you could stay with my parents, my dad could teach you how to line dance.” lmao. him and coco also told me about a time they apparently both interviewed and applied for the same job, with the idea that theyd both work the same position for like half the year and get twice the amount of work done, so they could tour the rest of the year. i had to tell him that basically the same thing happened in an episode of its always sunny in philadelphia. lmao. i talked with them all for a while before they started leaving and stuff. i mean i didnt have anything better to do. i said see ya later and got an uber home. my airbnb was cold as shit and i didnt sleep very well. 

saturday: 

the saturday show was at Saturn in Birmingham. and it was perfect. i slept as late as i could then just chilled in my airbnb (it was a converted airstream trailer- hella cool but kinda cold in late november/early december) until it was time to go. i packed all my shit but wasnt really sure if i wanted to stay in Bham because i figured i’d have to stay with a stranger or something. the drive from atlanta to birmingham really wasnt that bad, but i’m also not a 40 year old man. I got to bham way earlier than i expected so i went and tried to get something to eat. the sandwich i ordered was amazing but i just wasnt hungry. did i  mention i have appetite issues when i travel? because i barely ate anything all weekend. anyway i went to saturn and just sat around for a while til i met another person from the facebook group. which was nice, because i basically wasn’t alone at any of the shows. this guy was also super nice. avona nova came up and said hi and asked me about video games? i wasnt feeling good and i was really confused when she said that. it was still cool she said hi though. she’s so sweet. 

once again i wasnt on the setlist even though coco told me twice he’d make sure i was on there. i was kinda mad about it til he came up before their set and asked if i got in okay. (he also startled me when he did this because he came up from behind).  Arcwelder played again this show and they were really good again. Tar was also super good and the singer told me he liked all my space shit after the show. he was really nice. 

This show was played on the floor with a huge parachute as a backdrop. it looked awesome and made for a nice intimate setting. the band came through the audience instead of from the back and scared the hell out of me when they came up from behind me. 

This show was probably my favorite of the whole weekend. I think the set was a little longer but they also just sounded great. 

early on in the set star crunch’s microphone was like, electrified and it shocked him in the middle of a song. he put his guitar up to it to prove it and there was a bright spark. someone said “put a sock on it” so coco, being the fucking weird man he is took his shoe off and offered his sock to star crunch. but like its a sock and your mouth goes real close to the mic so he was like “no!!” coco just threw his fucking sock into the audience and played half the show with only one shoe on til the rest of the band made him put the other one on (with no sock). 

the theremin broke at some point during the set (it fell...but a cymbal also fell and broke the cord. who knows which truly broke it) so they almost didn’t play principles unknown, but birdstuff had the sound guy put a bunch of reverb on the mic and made coco do the fucking theremin noises with his mouth. and it was fucking incredible. he did it like, perfectly and TBH it was amazing to witness. i got it on video and i’m so glad i did. 

coco put the space helmet on me again during this show, and i tried to take a selfie with it but it didnt save :/. oh well. it got passed around the audience and everyone that got it seemed super happy. 

they played the mst3k song one more time this show, and birdstuff dedicated it to me :) he said something like “she drove all the way from fucking new zealand!” and this guy with a real heavy southern accent tapped my shoulder and was like “new zealand?” no...just iowa. lmao. it was so cool he did that, though. i’m really hoping someone recorded the whole show so i can go back and listen to it later. 

birdstuff did his regular drum kit sculpture but this time he stole a bunch of people’s belts (yes....he asked the audience for belts and then took them) and hung the snare drum from the ceiling. the second funniest part of the show was watching people try to find their belt from the pile. 

after the show i saw another guy in a jumpsuit so i went to tell him i liked it, just for solidarity i guess? turns out he went to high school with coco. weird! he was a super friendly guy and was kind of enthralled with my outfit. he took a picture with me and coco lol. 

I asked coco if i could take a picture with all 4 of them. i hadnt done it yet and i was like why not! its a special weekend!. he was like “yeah! if we can get everyone all together” which yeah, took a while. i also made sure i asked star crunch since he usually disappears first.

there were some teenage girls there who were trying to get the band’s autographs, and it was awesome. they were nice and i hope they had a good show. one of them told me she thought star crunch was cute. lmao. i kinda wish i’d gotten some autographs but i had such a good weekend, it doesn’t matter. 

i hung around until finally we got everyone in one room so we could take a picture. my bud for the night from the facebook group also got to take a picture with them. 

birdstuff asked again if i wanted to stay there, and i was like “sure!” mostly just so i could say i did it. man, it was an awesome place. they put in  some rooms and bunks above the venue so bands could sleep there. none of the bands that played that night stayed though, so i got the whole front room to myself. birdstuff showed me around and tried to get netflix on the tv to work but couldnt so he just showed me where the dvds were. i found a simpsons dvd and watched that. 

let me tell you- staying the night in saturn, watching the simpsons after an amazing MoAM show where they dedicated a song to me and then i got to hang out with them for a bit, that’s my idea of heaven. it was such a perfect night. i also took some pictures in the upstairs of saturn, partially because i wanted to be able to prove i was there, but also because the art and decorations were fucking awesome. such a good night. 

i did have to take a shower without a shower curtain though. birdstuff couldnt fix that. i didnt even care though. 

sunday:

the sunday show was in atlanta again, at a place called whirlyball. now what i didnt know about this place was that its not a fucking venue but basically an arcade. or well, more like, its this sport played on bumpercars with lacrosse sticks. theres 2 courts and a few games in the lobby, oh and theres a stage too. what a weird place. i was starting to feel sick by this day so i just sat on the couch for a while. avona nova sat on the couch next to me and we talked for a minute, and the others said hi when they saw me. 

i watched people play whirly ball for a bit, chilled while the first band played, then while the next band set up i went and found a bar chair in the lobby. one of the OTHER guys from the facebook fan group came and said hi and gave me an envelope with a ton of cool MoAM flyers in it. he also printed one of the pictures i took at the friday show and made me a custom record with that as the insert cover. it was fucking awesome but unexpected, i hadnt seen this guy all weekend even though he was at the other georgia shows. 

this was an all ages show so there were a few kids there. (including coco’s kid, she was adorable). pretty standard set again. i was feeling kinda crappy so this show felt weird to me, but it was still a lot of fun. at the end they pulled up a few kids to play bass and drums, and it was awesome. i found those kids after the show and gave em some stickers. they were so excited. 

i waited around after the show for a while again. avona nova told me she was gonna find the merch they brought so i could get some pins for my friends but mostly i didnt want to leave. she also asked if i wanted to take another picture with all 4 of them but star crunch and birdstuff were out of sight so i just took one with her, and then coco. shes so sweet. 

i met one more dude from the facebook group, this time a guy that came with his kid. they were both so excited to be there and it was adorable. he saw one of the pictures i had posted of a huge leaf i found at the georgia botanical gardens and showed me one he had taken earlier that day of his son with the same type of big fucking leaf (it was as big as him!). I gave them some stickers, and then they left. i think they had a bit of a drive. 

i hung around for a bit longer, talked to a few more people but there wasnt anything special really. some ladies really liked the jumpsuit i wore (lol). eventually i was ready to leave and birdstuff gave me a hug ( :)) ). he was worried about me driving back and offered to find me a hotel room. he also said to “make sure you stop at a rest stop if you start getting tired” which is exactly what my mom would say, lmao. it was sweet though. i said goodbye to him and daniel (the sound guy) and left. 

i got gas and then cried while i was driving because i had such a perfect weekend and i wasnt really ready for it to end. but like i was getting sick and ready to go home. anyway i drove home overnight (like 10 hours). 

anyway i had the most fun i’ll probably ever have for the rest of my life and it was worth the long fucking drive. my only regret is being too anxious to eat and not doing more shopping. 

thanks for reading this, if you did in fact do so. part of this was just to act as a journal if i want to go back and look at it later. 

sorry its so long. 

[ideocosmonaut]

Would you rather date someone who had a car or a job? Ehh probably job.

What’s the most important part of a relationship in your opinion? Trust, perhaps?

Have you ever wanted to watch a scary movie with someone JUST to have an excuse to be close to them? Kind of

Be with someone cute and a jerk or ugly and kind? ugly and kind

Name a favorite of each: food, drink, color. Steak, Coke Zero, Gray or black

If you married rich and your spouse gave you $100,000 a week, what would you spend it on? Weekly short vacations. Maybe fly to a city every weekend and go on a shopping spree.

Name a favorite of each: book, movie, tv show. Harry Potter, Robocop, Seinfeld

If your best friend liked your ex, what would you do? I dont have an ex

if you had to choose between being blind or deaf which would you pick? Hmm. Maybe blind. I love art and music but my eyes get me into more trouble than my ears.

Name a LEAST favorite of each: food, drink, color. How boring. Onions, water, yellow

What do you spend most of your money on? Bills

What kind of underwear do you prefer wearing? Boxer briefs

If you were sat on a plane beside your favorite celebrity, what would you do? Probably nothing. Why would they want to talk to me? They’re probably really tired and just want to chill on the ride home. I mean, if I feel brave, maybe I’ll say hi and that I really love their work but that’s about it.

What would you consider to be the biggest insult to yourself? Any... insult?

What are five things you absolutely have to have in your dream house? A kitchen, a bathroom, a bedroom, a ceiling, walls...

If you could be reincarnated as any animal, which would you chose and why? Some kind of bird

What is your biggest pet peeve? Being wrongfully accused

Do you still watch cartoons? Sometimes

What movies could you watch over and over and still love? 80s and 90s comedies

Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? A cop. An astronaut

Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? yeah.

First concert? Flogging Molly, for a big name band. But I went to local shows in school

Tea or coffee? i like both.

Do you think you were well raised? Up until I was a teenager

How do you handle stress? not well. 

Do you hide things well? Not really

If you had to choose between having one family member or 5 of your closest friends die who would you choose? I’d rather not. If I had to... family member. I’ve lost almost all of the good ones already anyway. And my friends are a precious few.

Do you see yourself ever being with someone you’ve been with before? No?

Would you rather live in a tiny apartment with 5 other people or a huge house by yourself that you felt was haunted? Huge house... if I didnt have to keep it up by myself.

How many piercings do you have? 0

Do you see yourself as a “good” person? No. No one is really good or bad. People are people. Everyone has their own ambitions. And a basic desire. People change all the time, nothing is set in stone.

Are your nails painted a dark or light color? N/a

Have you ever order pizza online? yes

What color was the last candle you lit? Cream?

Is there something written on your shirt right now? No

Is there a bookshelf in your room? no.

Do you own a treadmill? nope.

Have you ever signed up for a gym membership? yes.

What color was the last fish you had? Orangey

Is there a garbage can in your room? What color is it? Nah

Have you ever read in the bathtub? No

If you play the sims, do you download custom clothes, hair, etc? I imagine I would

Have you ever put ice cubes in milk? no.

Does your animal sleep with you? N/a

What do you use to remove your makeup at night? N/a

Do you have a favorite TV show that actually isn’t on air anymore Umm maybe. I think most of my favorites are still alive somewhere in TV land

Have you ever bought something off of iTunes? i don’t think so.

Have you ever had to wear a hairnet? nope.

Do you know how many pages the last book you read had? nope.

What day of the week does the laundry usually get done? Saturday

Do you use the Facebook chat often? daily.

Do you have any baby pictures of yourself on your computer? Nah

How many favorites do you have on youtube? hundreds

What channel is the food network? i dont have cable

Do you still write in pencil? sometimes

What brand is your foundation? n/a

What kind was the last chip you ate? Uhh doritos i think

Do you eat onion rings? not often but i love them.

When did you last go to the zoo? years ago

How many cardigans do you own? 1

What is your favorite song to play on guitarhero or rockband? none

What flavor of tea did you last have? Milos

Do you own a robe? yes

What was the last video you added to your favorites on YouTube? An upload of the new Puppet Master movie

Have you ever brushed your teeth and then drank orange juice? yeah

When was the last time you had pancakes or waffles? yesterday

Do you know anyone whose birthday is today? my step-mom

If you died right now, how would you feel about your life? I wouldn't exist so I wouldn't feel anything. That’s an upside. Can you imagine how bad you’d feel if you died? It’s a mercy we dont feel anything after.

Was the last person you texted under 18? no I dont believe any of the people ive texted are under 18

How many pairs of jeans do you think you have? like two

Do you like hoodies? yes.

When was the last time you attended a wedding? May?

Have you had alcohol this week? uhhhhhhhh nope actually

What windows are open on your computer right now? You mean tabs? This, FB, another Tumblr, and youtube

Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass? yes Is there anything you are craving right now? affection

What’s the last thing you had to eat? rice and beef

Who were the last four people to text you? my dad, my step-mom, a couple friends

Do you have any morbid interests? nothing habitual

Do you know anyone whose birthday is tomorrow? no.

What was the last thing you found that you thought you lost forever? an earbud cover

Have you ever been to Times Square to watch the ball drop for the New Year? no

If you have a Twitter, do you use something else besides the computer to update your tweets? nope

Do you like potato salad? Ive never had one I liked

Who was the last person that apologized to you? my bff. It’s funny that I say sorry a lot but I dont hear it very often. only from him. hmm.

Have you ever driven and ended up running out of gas? no

When was the last time you uploaded pictures from your camera? months ago

Did you do the laundry today? yes

What was the reason behind the last time you stayed up all night? wasnt sleepy

Did you straighten or curl your hair last? n/a

Have you ever been off-roading? yes

Was the last number you added to your cell phone a guy’s or girl’s number? a restaurant probably

Do you enjoy being a tease? kind of. not too much.

Have you ever had a UFO sighting or a sighting of strange lights in the sky? nope.

Who was the last person you caught lying to you? eh i dont recall

How old were you when you were first pulled over by the police? umm 19 ish?

Do you have a webcam that’s built into your computer or did it come separately? n/a

Was there ever a time that you lived on an island? I am an island. Shut up, Ben Howard.

Have you ever made a time capsule? I did in school

When was the last time you drank out of a champagne glass? long time ago

What was the last casino you went to? N/a

Does it flood easily where you live? kind of

Let’s start out blunt, have you had sex in the last 12 hours? nope.

Are you wearing something that belongs to someone else? no.

Does anything hurt on you? my foot

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? maybe

Do you look at the keyboard when you type? sometimes

Does it bother you when people respond to you with one word?   not really

Will you be up before 7:00 a.m. tomorrow? yes, many times

Do you like MySpace? i did back when it was popular.

Do you like glitter? its ok

Is there anyone you’d like to apologize to? my mom

What’s the closest thing to you that’s liquid? 

my... pee?

Are your toe nails painted pink? no.

Will you be in a relationship in 4 months? no... I mean, i doubt it? maybe? who knows.

Are you excited for Saturday? I was until I hurt my foot

What are you listening to right now? Game Grumps

What is the most exciting place you have been to this year? Gatlinburg 

The shirt you’re wearing, does anyone else have it? possibly

Are you gonna be home tonight? yes.

Do you feel awkward when strangers say hi to you? not if it stops there

Are you easily scared at horror films? not easily

If there was a large spider in the room, what would you say? Depends on how large and what kind

Do you have good memories with old friends? of course. 

How are you feeling right now? in pain

Have you ever skipped school just because you were tired? oh yeah

How many friends do you have that have never smoked? a few

Is there someone you used to talk to every single day that you don’t talk to anymore? yes.

Are you missing someone? yes.

Did you have a dream last night? probably, i just don’t remember it.

Is it okay if you kiss people when you’re single? of course, as long as they’re single too.

Who did you last talk to on the phone? my dad

Have you held hands with anyone today? no.

Do you drop your phone a lot? nah

Your last ex says they never even liked you. You say? You dont exist?

When was the last time you saw your father? last weekend

Are there certain things that can’t be joked about with you? Hmm. that’s a tough one. I use humor to cope a lot but I always try to remain within certain guidelines around certain people. it’s a lot to keep up with. Me? I can laugh at almost anything. Im pretty numb to most things. It doesnt come from a place of disrespect, but a need to laugh.

Would you say you’re an understanding person? mostly.

How is your life currently? it sucks.

What are you doing tomorrow morning? sleeping

Do you want to see somebody right now? sure.

How many people have you liked in the past 8 months? just the one.

Have you ever done anything illegal? yes

Would you rather spend a whole day with your mom or your dad? mom

What’s currently bothering you? my foot. looming anxiety over possibly being fired. being totally alone.

Have you thought about an ex today? no.

Are any of your friends taller than you? yes.

Did you do anything productive today? yes.

Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? To relive certain things, maybe. Barry Allen taught me not to fuck with the timeline

Today, did you hug a person you have feelings for? no

Do you wish at 11:11? nah

Are you currently in a relationship? no

Do you think relationships are ever really worth it? apparently they are everything

Think of the last person who said “I love you” to you. Do you think they meant it? I guess. 

Have you ever made someone laugh when they were crying? yes.

Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you? yes

If you could move somewhere else, would you? Depends but im mostly for it

Has a boy/girl called you babe or baby today? no.

How long were you with your last bf/gf? never

Would you ever let a girl/boy put you through hell and back? probably. im ripe for the abuse.

Have you ever gone out with anyone older than you? no

Do you think you will ever be married? probably not

Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? yes. that’s life

Is it possible to be single and happy? temporarily

Last time you wore something that didn’t belong to you? idk

Has anything happened in the past month that made you really happy? aside from food, not really. 

What’s something you’ve always wanted to say to your ex? n/a

How much money did you spend today? $0

Are you a rude person? to people who are rude

Would you ever think about painting your ceiling your favorite color? no. 

What’s something you’re excited for? Cyberpunk 2077

Does cuddling freak you out? A little. I dont like not being able to move

What do you think of maxi dresses? idk

What did the last text in your inbox say? From who? my phone’s in the other room...... >_>

What would you do if you saw a guy hit a girl? Call the police.

Have you ever gambled? yes.

Do you use tobacco products? not anymore

Would you ever go a week without showering? only if i had to

Would you ever date someone with a different skin color than you? Yeah

[fe-li-ci-ti-es]

1.29.19

life is getting pretty busy, I have been stressed but good thing I worked out yesterday! I had a nice weekend (even tho I got drunk both nights) where I felt like I had fun, didnt do stupid shit, and I got hw done too. I had lunch with andrea and it was awesome to catch up. I got her updated on my boyz and pep band drama and she told me about how thomas has this gf out of state (rly surprised me but Im also a little happy for him because he deserves a gf) and about emilys bad situation. I really hope that she finds the strength to do the best thing. Right now Im doing a face mask. Things are working out - im living with emily next year! also, Sam is really sweet. He made me a spotify playlist and brought me cookout on saturday night. Gosh. I want to get to know him better cause I think I’m starting to rly like him. We even have the same doofy sense of humor. 

I hung out with cheri and 2 of her sisters on saturday night - how many sisters does that girl have?? I felt like I need to put my foot down next time I drink with her and tell her no, though. Also Aaron was texting me and being really nice. I definitely want to go on a date with him sometime. But, ,since boys are NOT ruining my life this semester, I told him I was too busy last weekend (yay for me putting myself first)

also I didnt go to the basketball game today because I just need to rest and get shit done 

Really happy with my friends right now and feeling good about that. I definitely have gained like 10 lbs so I have some old insecurities coming up. My goal is to work out 3x a week and not eat desserts. Honestly I think the weight is from partying too much. 

I have really been playing piano more lately and it always makes me so happy and I feel like myself. 

Updates on jeremy - he is just confusing me so I have taken a step back, emotionally. He says he wants to hang out again but he doesnt make time. Still, he does show me that hes interested. I just find it awkward that we dont talk that much in person. 

Today in pse 220 dr lucia analyzed my handwriting ( he said some stuff I already knew) but it was cool to be friends with my professor and get special treatment. 

he said the space between my 1st and last names could mean I feel a disconnect between me and my family and wow that could no t be more accurate