#i didnt ask for it to be at 830 i don’t actually have to show up ubtil 930 on tuesdays :(((

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cant go to sleep until the cabbage has gone soft but i have a meeting at 8:30 :(( <- the idiot who requested the meeting

[editorialsonlife]

hello tumblr world its been a while since there’s been a proper update here so prepare for a dump and a half my friends because the last few weeks have been a fun trip (and that’s not even including the bloody US elections OMG)

we went to hawkes bay, so that was a good time. NOT. we turned up late because we slept in which was a great time. and also very fortuante because we arrived and no one came out to say hello which is terrible weird. So we start unloading the car and walking to the door and paul eventually emerged and was like, oh your mother’s just taking a nap we’re a bit tired. we only got home from the hospital an hour ago’. alaring for several reasons. 

the last couple of times this has happened, dave’s grandma died, his grandfather died, paul was in hospital for a suspected heart attack, paul had a heart attack & was flown to wellington for emergency surgery. let alone all the other family dramas in the intervening times. 

so it turns out that she threw her back out badly, fell over, and ended up in hospital when they couldn’t get on top of the pain with their sizable drug haul (pharmacist families man). didn’t think to text or call or give us a heads up in any way. when I asked why they wouldn’t text the response was, and I quote “Well she wasn’t dying so we didn’t think it was important’. like, fucking wow bitches. 

She couldn’t move without crying and groaning like she was in labour, she couldn’t move without a walker, she was on morphine, coedine, steroids and antiinflammatories, and still fucking miserable. 

poor dave was so stressed out. it was actually just a fucking horrible weekend. a) seeing another human in that much pain who utterly refused to do anything about it and still is

b) not being told the full story about whats going on, although I did read her medical discharge notes when they were both asleep 

c) seeing poor fucking dave stressed to shit because who the fuck knows whats going on and that’s his mum hes watching in so much pain. 

it was fucking horrible. never again. and walking into it with no warning was just the shittest thing of all. 

I was so fucking angry when we got home. like, ridiculous. I’m still raging tbh. guess who’s place we’re not going to for christmas?? 

So that was our five days of leave, and our holiday, once again shat all over (at least it wasn’t covid this time?!?)

got home on monday evening and went to send an email to work to be like hey homies not showing up tomorrow, need a day to recover to find out I had a client meeting at 830 the next morning I had to attend which was so  hard to get through. here, let’s pitch for 80k of work which isn’t going to solve any of your problems? why not. it makes me so mad. SO MAD. 

rolled through that and our team meeting and a colleague was like how are you doing? just about burst into tears so I peaced out of there. turned up to counselling on thursday, didnt even make it into the room and anne was like, you seem angry? I was like, mmmmm no, don’t think angry quite covers it mate. so that was great. 

got to last weekend, was meant to be meeting friends for brunch but there was a massive crash on the motorway so we ended up driving somewhere else which was an hour each way so that basically ruined the day but it was a lovely brunch anyway, had a great time. best smashed avo and lots of cuddles with little miss izz who is not so little anymore but so gorgeous!! Had a great day on sunday, finished off a bunch of work (yes, work is insanely busy right now, such fun, will be working again this weeked), got heaps of planting done, mowed the lawns, hung my artwork, finally felt like I was back on a happy even keel (fuck life is nice not having permanent anxiety) only to be sitting in a meeting on monday afternoon to find out homegrown is on the same day as our wedding. the second wedding since the first one was cancelled. 

I pretty much just lost my shit. honestly. why is it so fucking hard to just organise something to celebrate being married. legit feel like the universe is just fucking with us at the moment and like, did we even make the right decision doing all of this? because every time we try and do something it gets fucked over and its v stressful. and yes i know we’re lucky to be covid free and be able to plan these safely and everything else but like, honestly. I’m so over it. every holiday this year has been fucked over, the wedding was done, the family reaction was so shit, like, its just ridiculous. the worst part was I came home in rage mode and dave came home in problem solving mode and was like, we can fix this and like, yeah, i know we can, but like, I’m fucking sick of making do. It’s meant to be one of the best days of our lives, and we’re already onto plan fucking c for it, and just like, I’m done with it? I’m just done. I cannot be assed. I don’t want to email everyone, I don’t want to reschedule all this shit, I don’t want to reorganise all my hair appointments, I don’t want to have to worry about the weather and rebooking it all and dealing with all this fucking shit. I’m so done. I’ve done it twice already I don’t want to do it again. RAGE. anyway. survived monday night, the week did not get any better, work got worse, and the PMS hit fucking hard yesterday. cried before work, cried at the stupid 8am meeting, cried turning up to anne and was like, I have an hour to get this all out of my system before client meetings in the afternoon. 

and hot damn, god bless best friends, because bish messaged me and was like, lets do lunch homie, so we went to the botanic gardens and sat there and had the most insane conveersation ranking the best flavours of shapes, then biscuits, then crackers. and honestly, it was the pointless, best, most lighthearted discussion and everything I needed and I love her so much. 

all I can say now is thank fucking god it’s friday, and its the weekend, and we have zero plans beyond going to mitre 10. I’m gunna order all my christmas presents online this weekend adn get that out of the way. need to do a couple of laods of washing, hopefully only like 6 hours of work, but like, it’s gunna be chill. and I’m v relieved. 

she’s been a bit of a nightmare. 

HOWEVER

despite all this complaining, looking back on where I was a year ago, like fuck me i am in so much of a better place mentally and life is just so much better. I’m so relieved. and period binge aside, physically I’m getting better too so I’m gunna take it all as a massive win. week in adn week out its been a grind, and it’s been uncomfortable and hard and horrible at times but man, coming out the other side is such a relief. having capacity to do things like supporting a friend through her current nightmare and managing dave and dealing with all the work stress makes such a fucking difference honestly. it’s also nice to feel like I can manage myself better so I can look after everyone else better too. 

Feeling v grateful for this little life of mine, and the people in it, and for being in this little corner of the world. I don’t know how I got so lucky, but I am so so so so so grateful for it. 

[loudthunderxheavyrain]

May 18th, 2020. 2.

What a night. You went out to that little Italian bar that you’ve been hanging out at with your mom and whoever else and you posted a story and I ssw what you were doing and who you are with. I didn’t text you that night but I had already text you 1 million times that afternoon and made an ass of myself so I didn’t text you after like 5pm. You called me at 2:18am. And you wanted to talk and I was sound asleep. So you called again three minutes later and I picked up because I heard it.. and you were talking to your roommate but I didn’t realize it was speaker phone.. so when you asked me about kissing I said I kissed you sober. Rommate heard what I said duh shit got weird for a second but you didn’t hang up on me.. surprise! Roomate “went to bed” at that point bc I’m sure he couldn’t didn’t want to hear anymore of our conversation. We continued. Why idk but you went pee with me on the phone a few times. Went into your room. And we had an INCREDIBLE but awkward conversation. You call me a bore and im having a hard time keeping myself together. You make me like nervous flustered where I say shit and do shit I normally wouldn’t. Last night got a little bit freaky. You want to be in control. And I see that. I felt that off the bat. You’re in charge. You can have ANYTHING you want. And apparently, it would be me if things were different with the homies... And we need more compatibility this is just a sexual attraction. We both know that. Then, we stayed on the phone and FaceTime for almost 4 hours. 230-almost 630am. I did something I’d never do and you made me want so much more. I’d let you destroy me. You told me you wanted to in my mouth. And I crave nothing more than you. You literally stay on my mind constantly. It’s almost annoying. And I am here acting annoying. It’s annoying. But i want to annoy you.

May 30th, 2020

You blocked me on Facebook. We got into it about the post I made- America is lucky black people don’t take revenge on America. Started with race and you went off.

You didn’t want to be wrong so you just kept going and going until you blocked me. It didn’t bother me first but I laughed. It really bothered me that you would do that once I realized why. You said I referred to America as (K k k)America and no I didn’t. And to the end of times I’ll always say I didn’t. Because I didn’t. But still you deleted me for it. So I text you and asked you “you really did delete me you did. You fucking blocked me”. I was so upset I actually cried but I went to Instagram and saw you didn’t delete me there. So I didn’t really panic. We were going to the boneyard that night. It was just supposed to be like the four of us. But it turned out to be a party like so many people so you didn’t show up until a little after 10. Of course I noticed but tried not to talk to you. I said hi and didn’t say much else the rest of the night. We definitely locked eyes at least three times but I’m always staring at you. You literally have this face that just makes me want to stare at you. Anytime I’m around you I constantly want your attention. I want you to talk to me. I want your intelligence. I don’t want you to think I’m stupid. Because I’m not. But you are probably right, I have been misinformed and haven’t made the conscious effort to make politics a part of my life. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t change direction and care about your passions. It’s funny that you think I could have nothing to do with it now because why? Because I don’t talk about politics all the time or no everything that you know? So strange. But Saturday you, your roommate and The Homie were hanging out at your house and The Homie passed out. So your roommate called me and told me to come over and “wake up The Homie” so I said no. Within five minutes he text me come over. I asked if you were joking. But you said come so I did just like every other time.

May 31st, 2020

Took lyft. I came over late around 1:25 in the morning so it’s Sunday at this point and we hung out at the house until around 5:30 in the morning. After that we left and went to The Homies gmas house to continue. We left around 930/10 AM. But you and I weren’t tired. You literally had me passing that back to you all night and I couldn’t believe I was even doing it. As soon as I got home when The Homie drop me off I checked my phone and you had text me maybe I could sneak in. I was not down with that idea it was super sketchy definitely scary I said no like five times but it’s not like I wanted to say no! That’s why I came. I hate saying no to you. I don’t know what it is about you I really don’t. And I know that you probably just consider me someone you want to fuck but it’s hard to explain the way I don’t get it myself. So after about an hour of back-and-forth, I came over. I parked down the street near the elementary school like you told me to and walked down the block to see you standing outside waiting for me. There is nothing I wouldn’t do to try to be with you. I think you’re the most complex person I’ve ever met and you make me better just communicating with me. We were trying to hide it and obviously we got caught By roommates mom and we just went into your room laid down cuddled I fell asleep. You woke up and I woke up in an hour of sleep to put on my glasses look at your phone there wasn’t much else that happened.. your room small your bed small you have a lot of stuff. I was grateful to be in your space. That close to you. I couldn’t really go anywhere I finally woke up around like 530pm to pee and it was awful. I saw The Homie and roommate was there and that’s all bad. I put my stuff on to leave and you asked me not to leave you said “please don’t” so I laid back down with you until about 730/8 maybe even 830. My mom had been texting me to do something for her so I had to leave. We had woken up around like 4pm to the pit bikes and went right back to sleep. You had your back turned to me a lot and I took that hard. You used your weighted blanket and I used an entirely separate one. I was so sweaty, so uncomfortable in my skin, and my heart was facing a mile a minute so I was shaking. You always make fun of me for that. But you also make me nervous as fuck. So I couldnt calm down for hours. When I finally look at my phone my mom wasn’t the only one that text me. The Homie did too. And I fucking tripped. I didnt text back. Got up got dressed and ran out the door. But guess who saw me leaving? The Homie. I got the text as i was on the block still. Fml. I immediately regretted coming. He was so mad but i just kept telling him nothing happened because that’s our m.o. we never claim one another. I say I hate you and you do the same. Then we got caught. I text you when I got to the car. And said I’d “talk to you later” and little did I know I wouldnt be talking to you again. I had to talk to The Homie all night I had to reassure them over and over that nothing happened and I really had a hard time with it. But we didn’t talk the rest of the night and we wouldn’t talk again.