#i didn't do any gay ones though because its my understanding that gay situations already get the sex taken out too much

[bogleech]

They oughta make nonsexual porn movies by which I do not mean just normal movies, I mean like a lonely housewife has no way to tip the pizza boy so she invites him in to show him her collection of rare lizards. A bus load of cheerleaders accidentally book the same hotel as one lucky undergrad who desperately needed feedback on a student film. Girl gets snowed in alone with her boyfriend's hot single dad who's been longing for the chance to teach her the right way to make spaghetti carbonara.

[thesrctsoftheuniverse]

so over the weekend (literally two days) i watched 16 of the 18 episodes of season 3....... so here's my thoughts!!!!

i've already professed my love for the characters more than enough but i just need to remind everyone that i am sosososo in love with all these fucking characters, what a truly insanely likeable lineup of different personalities

eddie getting buck to babysit chris so he stops being stuck in a depressive spiral.... genius

the earthquake episodes last season were insane, but the tsunami disaster?????? off the charts. the scenes with buck and chris were fucking beautiful, i love this duo and need more of them NOW. buck cares about that kid so goddamn much. and while tired and injured he saves idk how many more people. the way him and chris are fighting for their lives and then buck is desperately looking for chris all while eddie thinks they're completely safe. eddie was freaking out last season because his son was stuck in a school, but he was calm during this disaster because he was with BUCK. it makes me so emotional. im sosososo glad that i had seen the outcome of chris being found before watching the episode bc idk how people who didnt know that beforehand could handle it. the scene with eddie finding buck with chris' glasses???? im going to start crying. and after all of that for buck being so sure eddie wouldnt trust him anymore only for him to drop off chris again like its nothing?? im going to sob

from what i have read online the lawsuit storyline is a very divisive topic in the fandom. i kind of see both sides. i can see that buck thought his hands were tied and that the only family he had was replacing him. but i know at the same time that it's an overreaction. bobby didnt have any reason to have buck stay on leave for that long when chimney proudly proclaims he went back to work after only a couple of weeks. i understand that bobby cares about buck like a son somewhat, but he was not being fair. buck also shows that he didn't really want to cause as much hurt and friction between them by apologising again and again and not even thinking about accepting the money, going back to the 118 even though he knew they were going to make it difficult for him. it was a tricky situation, but im glad they moved on from it fairly quickly.

the fight club eddie storyline is kind of wild????? also did he ever get any reporcussions from bobby for that??? men will literally do anything but talk about their issues and deal with their feelings. what an insanely gay thing to do.

love eddies conversation with bobby where he starts crying. eddie should cry more often (i say this with love)

lena im in love with you, do you like women?

chris' english teacher is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo beautiful

i truly love seeing athena and her family grow and change over time. the relationship between bobby and michael is so important to me. i love them together. and michael's tumor storyline??? heartbreaking.

love albert!

chimney and maddie i love you two soso much you deserve the world, youre so imporant to me. chimney respecting maddies boundaries no matter what.... im gonna cry (A BABY?????????)

the episode of 911 dispatch being taken over might just be one of the best episodes of the series. i especially loved that we got to see characters that other times didnt get as much screentime. LOVE LOVE LOVE JOSH!!!

the athena begins episode is heartbreaking. and beautiful. the closure at the end, with her telling emmet's mother that they made an arrest. how beautiful. really well done. she never gave up on finding that man.

the eddie begins episode is also beautiful. him cutting the fucking rope???? idk how they want me to believe that he swam to safety but whatever..... anyways he loves chris so much and we got to see more of his and shannon's marriage which i loved. to be fair, he was kind of a shitty father and definitely a shitty husband, shannon was clearly not ok and i understand why she left. doesnt make it right, but i understand it. when he gets stuck underground and buck starts losing his mind, screaming, crying, throwing up and bobby gives him /that/ look. oh kill me now. that man was gonna dig by hand .... i love them.

the episode of buck helping that old veteran feel important and not alone at the end of his life? im going to start crying again. buck truly believes that no one will ever love him or choose him or stay with him forever.

michael talking to harry about what being black means when they encounter police was incredibly moving and heartbreaking. but also important. i just love athena's family.

hen hitting that cello girl with the ambulance...... oh i cried so hard, my heart broke for her. karen and her are so amazing together i love them so much, they truly are each other's rock.

i love the buckley siblings. i love the side characters. i love the main characters. i have so many thoughts.

abby....i understand that she had to get away from everything to find herself ok? but she shoudlve just texted or sent a letter to buck just to give him closure and not let him keep haunting her apartment. i dont like them as a couple, this shit has clearly hurt buck deeply and will not be easy for him to get over. she didnt really seem all to apologetic either at the end. i get it but also why did u have to hurt buck by not ever responding and ghosting him????

got so many funny and beautiful scenes this season, it was amazing!!! truly loved every character. it had that gay ass buddie kitchen scene... lol

but anyways....im already done with two episdoes of season 4 so bye

[kivaember]

ac6 drabble: abort

last one before i go to bed (i was planning on doing more but work wiped me out today sorry...) but i have to do @steelhazeortus a solid and give them the iguazu/volta that they clearly crave (their prompt being "adding to my last unhinged reply: Volta lives but make it gay (I’m obsessed. Sorry)").

here ya go buddy

abort

Iguazu had his hand on the eject lever the moment the first round from that Juggernaut bitch had slammed into the ground less than a 100m away from him, the blastwave powerful enough it made even HEAD BRINGER's frame shudder with the force of it.

He'd looked out across the battlefield, across the hundreds and hundreds of metres of kill zones that lay between him and the Wall. MTs with rocket launchers, at least twenty long-range cannons twitchy enough to shoot a fly out of the sky, the fucking JUGGERNAUT raining hellfire on any poor fuck who was stupid enough to amble into its crosshairs, and the GODDAMN GATLING GUNS SCREAMING ROUNDS DOWN RANGE LIKE IT WAS GOING OUT OF STYLE-

you've gotta be shitting me, he had thought, in a light-headed, near hysterical sort of way, you have to be absolutely shitting me.

The supporting squad of suicidally loyal MTs were already getting shredded into scrap metal, yelling at making Michigan proud even as they died to bullet fire. Volta, the fucking IDIOT, was gunning full steam ahead, clearly trying to build the momentum for an assault boost over the defensive trench - Iguazu could make the tactical leaps to understand what he was aiming for: get behind the gatling guns, past the smaller rocket launchers, use the solid tower blocks as cover-

Iguazu was a survivor through and through. He took one look at that battlefield, realised the futility of it all in a split second, and thought fuck this shit i'm out.

His hand was on the eject lever. He even pulled on it a little, until it felt resistance. One more tug, and he'd be launched out of HEAD BRINGER and be walking back to the emergency rendevouz point. He'd rather take Michigan bawling into his face for being a cowardly little runt than heroically becoming an ashy smear on the floor to gain the Redguns absolutely jackshit.

His hand was on the eject lever.

But.

Later, Iguazu wouldn't really be able to explain why he didn't pull it the second he touched down. It defied common sense and his own selfish nature. But his gaze had been fixed on Volta stupidly charging ahead, as he always did, obnoxiously confident in his AC's manouverability and thick-plated armour to see him through anything. Iguazu had watched him charging forwards, acknowledged his tactical decision, and just thought the moron's gonna die.

That's fine. Volta was free to go to his grave feeling like he'd accomplished something when in fact it was just a pointless death for a bunch of old windbags who didn't give one flying fuck about the Redguns entirely, so long as they achieved their bottom line. Iguazu wasn't going to go the same way, though. He was getting out of Rubicon, one way or another. He wasn't dying here.

But.

...

His hand...

...

He let go of the eject lever.

"I must be outta my mind...!" Iguazu hissed under his breath, sending HEAD BRINGER forwards into a charge after Volta, the whistle-whine of overhead tank rounds and missiles making his pulse rate hit the fucking goddamn stratosphere.

YOU'RE GOING TO DIE! his survival instinct screamed at him, WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU STUPID FUCKING IDIOT?!?!

He ignored it. He just followed Volta - followed him over the trench, narrowly avoiding getting blown out of the sky when the Juggernaut adjusted its aiming slightly to try and pre-empty his leap. He landed heavily, whispering "shit shit shit" under his breath like he was praying to Jesus Christ himself to reach down and pluck him from this situation that was entirely of his own making. He didn't, of course. No god gave a shit about Iguazu.

But it turned out he gave some shit about Volta, because the moron didn't use the apartment blocks as cover - he veered to the left, to try and use the open ground to try and do a suicidal charge. Iguazu finally remembered the button for his comms.

"VOLTA! FUCKING IDIOT- GET BEHIND THIS BUILDING!" he roared at him, even as he shot down some enterprising MT trying to lob a missile at him from atop of said building. "VOLTA!"

"I'M COMING! God, fucking hell, Iguazu, blow out my eardrums why don't you!"

Volta came trundling back behind the building, though, smoke and debris peppering his figurative heels, until they were both huddled behind an apartment block, every Rubiconian dipshit throwing everything they had at the fucking building and making him feel like he was standing in one of those shitty, old war films where a bunch of stupid idiots were sittingin a trench grim-faced and preparing themselves to charge into no man's land.

Like hell. Iguazu was going the opposite way, to- to man's land. Whatever. AWAY FROM THE EXPLOSIONS AND MISSILES.

"This mission's a fucking mess, Volta," Iguazu said. "Let's just get outta here."

"You mean ditch the mission?"

"No, I mean we'll do a tactical withdrawal to reconsider our options- OF COURSE I MEAN FUCKING DITCH!" Iguazu yelled, and even reached over to bonk Volta's AC over the head with his rifle. "YOU THINK WE'RE GONNA MAKE THAT?! WITH EVERY GODDAMN FUCKING COKED UP REBEL CUNT CARRYING TEN MILLION MISSILES EACH AND WANTING TO RAM EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. UP OUR ASS?!?! WE'D BE FUCKING SCRAP BEFORE WE CLEAR FIFTY METRES YOU DUMB FUCK!"

Volta didn't say anything for a long moment.

"Why'd you follow me, then?" he finally asked, sounding genuinely flummoxed.

Iguazu didn't have an answer for him.

"I'm fucking going, and you're coming with me," Iguazu said instead, refusing to let his insane dive into missile hell be for nothing. "C'mon, we're jumping the trench."

"Ugh..."

For one moment, Iguazu thought Volta was going to say no, and honestly, Iguazu didn't have a plan for that scenario, but fortunately Volta angled his bulky tank body back towards blessed freedom and muttered: "Fine, but I'm blaming you when Michigan asks why we ran away."

"Sure, whatever fine, he was gonna yell at me anyway."

They heroically got the fuck out of there, with the only sign of their toe dipping into hell being chipped paint, a few scratches, and Iguazu deeply confused about his own incomprehensible actions.

[transsexualhamlet]

001 for bsd 002 for dead apple trio 003 for shibusawa <33

Hihihi!! :3 :3 Ask game

001: BSD

Favorite character: It would be very difficult to come up with a favorite character of all time for bsd theres just SO many blorbos to choose from but um. Fyodor is my top blorbo

Least Favorite character: This is a no brainer but I just cannot stand fukuchi I know there's a lot of points about legitimate political themes but also I'm sorry I cannot take an old man who makes fart jokes seriously about anything

5 favorite ships: Fyogol Fyozai Atsuluaku (I think lucy could fix shin soukoku) dead apple trio and the whole DOA polycule ehehe gay people

Character I find most attractive: chuuya HANDS DOWN. No argument I will not be taking constructive criticism I am on my knees for this man

Character I would marry: ALSO CHUUYA but if i had to choose someone different, Lucy. I love them both so fucking much and I think they are actually good loveable fun and interesting people

Character I would be best friends with: Akutagawa or Fyodor. My type of best friend is wet cat i picked up out of the gutter I would fix them up good I promise

A random thought: God the tik tok fandom of bsd is absolutely rancid and it's really just a wasteland of people fighting each other tooth and nail for chuuya nakahara custody since literally everyone is convinced they're the only one who understands him and then proceeds to give the worst takes ever on him

Unpopular opinion: Mori is in general a good person and he really and truly wants the best for the city and for the world and the world he lives in has forced him to make very bad decisions, he has decided to be the bad guy for the world to function and near anyone else in his position would fucking crumble. He is fair and kind and allows the least amount of suffering possible though he knows that he does not deserve forgiveness for the things he has had to do. Without him the world would go to shit so fast.

Canon otp: I mean, there's not any canon ships in bsd really, but in terms of Most canon I would probably consider fukumori or shin soukoku? I love soukoku too but you know im Picky about it

Non-canon otp: ah yes the these characters have had One (1) interaction but they're fucking. Fyoya and Nikozai and also Sigzai i fucking love them

Most badass character: IM SORRY BRO ITS STILL HANDS DOWN CHUUYA HES TAKING ALL THE AWARDS TONIGHT CHUUYA CAN USE ME AS A FUCKING DOORMAT

Most Epic villain: Nikolai ofc he's 100 percent the most unhinged motherfucker in the cast and I am bonded to him on a molecular level Help

Pairing I am not a fan of: I feel like I've been over this a lot and at this point I just don't wanna make anybody sad bc I know people who ship just about everything sane and normal so you know you do you as long as it's not fucking gross yknow

Character I feel the writers screwed up: Teruko could have been an absolute girlboss if they didn't give her the. I don't know the. The Fukuchi Thing why did they do that seriously what why

Favorite friendship: Yes yes Dazai and Oda very much so Dazai and Oda but hAVE YOU CONSIDERED Chuuya and the flags. I'm all holding them so tightly you don't even fucking understand. They're so important

Character I most identify with: :|. Nikolai and Dazai. I should not be allowed in public spaces

Character I wish I could be: YOU ALREADY KNOW WHO IM GONNA SAYITS FUCKING CHUUYA. There's not many people in bsd whose situations/mental states I really envy tbh. Dazai is crusty and sad and I don't want to ever see the state of his apartment. Fyodor is even sicker than me. Akutagawa's on the brink of death at all times. Being Ranpo would kill me because I would not be able to keep up the illusion of having an ability and I wouldn't be able to handle the thought that I didn't have one and everyone else did. All my kins are so sad and sick and in awful situations except CHUUYA who is being BADASS and MAKING BANK and GETTING BITCHES. Yes, he has obviously had so much tragedy in his life and he has very much suffered but the fact remains that he has gone through it and come out even stronger than before. He's such a guy I want to be him so bad

002: Dead Apple Trio :))

When I started shipping them: Literally the second I met these guys I was like Oh They're Fucking. All thru the first time I watched dead apple it just. More and more. These fuckers gay as shit

My thoughts: I looove them so much and they are so fucking terrible they're awful people and they love terrorism and genocide and being queercoded villains. They're in their big gothic spire doing gay crimes. Everything they do is labeled under 'consensual but not safe or sane'

What makes me happy about them: I love thinking of them all as some flavor of transfem nonbinary and they are so queer and gnc girlbosses that did nothing wrong they're so important to me shibusawa designed their wedding dresses and dead apple is the honeymoon

What makes me sad about them: I mean, I usually just call them girlbosses and call it a day but the thing is, the one thing that really brings them together is their fucking mental illness. Without unmedicated depression, unconventional takes on religion, and several personality disorders each, those three would never even talk to each other. The reason they care so much for each other is because they're the only ones who truly understand each other, they can see through each other's lies and straight to their rotted empty fucking ribcages. They only come together when they're at their absolute worst. They probably met at a sleazy gay bar and if it weren't for all their own grand schemes, at the slightest negative emotion they would just meet up there again and lace all their drinks with cyanide

Things done in fanfic that annoys me: I mean. There's like 20 fanfics in the dead apple trio tag total, and 90 percent of them annoy the shit out of me, but yknow. I don't like it when they treat Dazai like some sort of victim in this situation, like, no he is 100 percent into this. This is normal for him and he signed up to get stabbed. Also people who think Shibusawa tops anyone are dumb as shit look at those acrylic nails sh;drgsfdoig

Things I look for in fanfic: IF IT'S NOT PRETENTIOUS AS SHIT, I'M NOT INTERESTED HSDIFHDS but seriously I think the important thing to realize is that this trio is that they're each other's bad habit. Most of the time they're totally clean of each other but every once and a while they will just fall into that hole again and come together to dig it deeper and deeper. They're awful for each other and nothing can save them. As much as the porn is good I wish there were more fics that had actual plots for them

My wishlist: I mean. Shibusawa is kind of dead for realsies now so it's not like they'll meet again anyway and I don't think I need them to be any more canon than they are, yknow? That's how I feel with most of my ships because like. There's already soo much subtext there for me, but if it was explicit, it would literally just be demonizing queer people and queer relationships and would be taken completely wrong and I think. It's just fine the way it is bc to me it is very clear they're gay sdhighdfs

Who I'd be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: I mean,, I don't know if I can really see a hypothetical Happy Ending for any of these guys. Perhaps there might be one for Dazai, if he can keep his shit together from now on, but not for both. I really do like the idea of both Fyodor and Dazai living and having to attempt to fix each other together, I really do, although I don't think Nikolai would survive in that situation :(, but that's not something that would happen in canon lol. Fyozai will either die together with Nikolai or it'll be Dazai alone. In that case, I think Dazai should be with Kunikida. They would actually be good for each other, I really do think that.

My happily ever after for them: There is NO happily ever after for the dead apple trio, as much as it's sad to say, there really and truly isn't. They're not good for each other, they're not a sustainable polycule as much as they love each other. Fyozai could hypothetically move on together and mourn Shibusawa, but there's no way they'd be good with him alive, there just isn't.

003 Shibusawa !!! Ok this is hard he interacts with like 3 people

How I feel about this character: Shibusawa sucks and I love him. He's a pillow princess. He's my wife. He tortures children but he would be a good mom I swear. He wants an e-z bake oven. He is an international terrorist but he is also a crazy cat lady. He walked into yokohama to start the apocalypse dressed like a cottagecore grandma with a million dollars of stolen jewelry in his purse and got called the t slur ten seconds before the fog came. I hate him hes my favorite he uses his science skills to create estrogen laced cupcakes

Any/all people I ship romantically with this character: Obviously Fyodor and Dazai but also Ivan. Shibusawa needed like a body double for some plot and Fyodor was like "I've got this crazy weirdo with long white hair who looks a lot like you, I can rent him out for five dollars an hour" and they hit it off like nobody's business. Now Shibusawa uses him as a crazy gay test subject for his unethical experiments and they kiss and Ivan is madly in love with him

My unpopular opinion about this character: I don't know why people hate Shibusawa so much. On international women's day week too?? Im sorry women can do anything. I'm all for awful evil women, Shibusawa included. Genuinely I don't get how anyone could think Shibusawa is like. A man. One thing you have to understand about me. Is that Shibusawa is my wife

One thing I wish would happen/had happened with this character in canon: I WANT HIM TO WEAR A DRESS. BIG DRESS. POOFY FANCY DRESS. VICTORIAN BALLGOWN. HE DESERVES IT. HE WOULD LOVE IT

Favorite friendship for this character: I think that Shibusawa and Nikolai would be good friends. They gush about Fyodor and Nikolai is Shibusawa's crazy friend who gives him all his awful ideas and Shibusawa encourages everything. Also there's my and my friend's ocs Fran and Kafu who are both. Around Shibusawa ™ but that's a whole nother story. Fran is his younger cousin who helps him exist and Kafu is this absolutely insane fucking creature who's deeply in love with him and is in his walls

Crossover ship: I have never thought about this ever before but after some consideration. Albert Moriarty. I think they would get along well. I really do think they would get absolutely fucking wasted and Shibusawa would get fucking railed after they talked about how much they hated rich people and killing rich people and stealing rich people's money to kill more people and how fucked up the world is and how they wanna die

[mergeman]

Toweled off part 3.5

Lex's POV:

I had been taking my former friends everywhere. They lived in my car as I tried to find anyone they responded to. I finally turned around and headed towards work I threw them both in my gym bag as I went inside. I entered and the young man at the reception desk quickly looked up and gave me a nod. I proceeded to the employee locker room to change into my work outfit. Even though it had been several weeks since I learned truth I'm still amazed that I'm only 2 months old and not a grown man in his 30s.

I left the lockers and proceeded to locate my next client. I scanned the gym spotting the trio of college students. The blondes are the son's of the owner and the dark haired one is their best friend Dylan.

Dylan spots me and runs my way as he does my bag begins to vibrate and tug me towards the young man. (What the fuck!!) Why Dylan, was my first thought but the white towel was almost leaping from my bag as he approached. I threw Dylan the towel he grabbed it and nothing happened, Dylan had a confused look on his face.

Dylan's POV:

I was waiting around talking with my 2 best friends Cain and his younger brother Able. Yes their parents named them that because they're names are Adam and Eve. Adam owns this gym and he is the one who took me in after my mother kicked me out. When he learned what had happened he respected the situation enough and asked me what my new name was. After that Adam and his whole family only ever referred to me as him or Dylan my dead name is never brought up.

Fuck. There he is walking out of the lockeroom like a freaking adonis and I have the privilege of being in Lex's presence. Lex knows my story and has been working with me. He has really helped as I get used to my physique. I run towards him and he just tosses me a towel it looked kinda dingy but when I cought it, it was warm like it had just been laundered. Lex was staring at me like I was going to explode but after a second he muttered something under his breath.

We went to the matt and Lex put me through my cardio paces. As he led me over to the equipment racks I used the opportunity to wipe some sweat off my forhead.

"Help me" a voice rang in my head. I looked around but only Lex was near and the voice was higher then his. "Please Help" I didn't know why I wasn't freaking out but the warmth of the towel was soothing me. I looked up only to find that Lex was about 10ft away standing at the rack and looking at me. Not wanting to disappoint him I picked up my stride and caught up. Lex picked the weights and proceeded to show me what arm exercise I was doing. I grabbed a weight and mimicked his movements while the towel hung around my neck.

"Help I need to escape please"

I almost dropped the weight but caught myself. Looking around it seems like no one else could hear the voice.

"Please I'm trapped in this towel"

Fuck they said the hormones might mess with my head but I've never felt this before.

"Please I want to live"

"If you set me free and can make you like Lex."

That caught my attention.

"Lex was once small and weak too but my bro made him into a man as a thanks for freeing him" The voice was getting stronger and I could hear that whomever this was sounded about my age.

"All it takes is another" "2 are needed for me to live"

The voice was pounding in my skull, I went on auto pilot through Lex's routine. The thought of being like Lex was a far off fantasy. Yes I could pass as a guy in most situations but to actually be one. I. I. I wanted it so badly. This was my dream to be a man. I could feel the towel grow warmer as my resistance crumbled.

"All we need is one more" I glanced at Lex "NO" "we cant use one who has already been chaged." The voice cried out with intensity.

The cooldown had ended and Lex motioned me to go get changed. I head towards the employee lockeroom. Adam had been so understanding that he granted me this space with the private changing rooms. I turned the corner to see Cain and Able undressing as they had just finished their sessions as well. They looked up smiled and then went to finish.

"YES!!!!"

The towel came alive and extended itself towrds Cain surrounding his head. I was frozen but Able jumped over the bench, half naked and tried to pry one corner off. Only for the towel to wrap itself around his head too.

"Hmm I have both I need to live"

No!!! My chance was not going to be taken like that. I clenched the end that was still on my shoulder and threw the towel over my head as well.

Blackness. I could feel the towel contract as it brought the 3 of us together. My shoulders are touching my adopted brothers and I could feel them trembling as the towel expanded to cover us all.

"Its to much" "there's to meny" "it hurts" the towel's voice was screeching throughout my brain and my body started to vibrate and I could feel myself falling apart.

Huh

What happened

Why am I on the ground?

Why is my body so sore?

Fuck

I groaned and opened my eyes but even that hurt. As my vision cleared I could make out another figure on the ground facing me. He opened his eyes and we stared at each. My memories appeared in my mind with a loud PoP. I was the towel made fleash. I was Dylan made whole I was Cain and I was Able. All of them were me and I was all of them. I was something new and so was he. The stanger/not was also all of them. The towel's last moments were of the strain of holding the three. So just before the moment of completion he tore and was made 2.

I just stared at his dark wavy hair and stubble adorning his jaw. A name came to me but not mine.

" Cable" "Dain"

We both said at the same time. Dain.... the name completed me. We helped each other up and stood infront of the mirror. As I took in the blond hair, the beard, i casually flexed my new musces. The last vestiges of Dylan felt a thrill at finally being a man and the towel only was happy to actually feel again.

Reality started to warp around us as new memories of this life began to file in. I am Dain and Cable is my fraternal twin. We are older then any of our makers at 28 but our parents are still Adam and Eve. Just now they had us in high school. Dad is still the owner of the gym where we are both trainers. Our parents are great in any timeline. Only here they accepted when I came out as gay and Cable came out as Asexual. There were a lot of questions of course, but we are both loved.

We need to talk to Lex though. There is still one towel left to free.

[ohnobjyx]

Would it be that impossible for dd and gg to come out as a couple (provided they respected censorship and didn't talk about it with the media)? I read the other day that homosexuality is not illegal in China, just talking about it and showing in the media, so could not someone as brave and crazy as dd attempt to come out outside of the media? after all they are the first 3 shipped real couples in china, they do have support. Coming out willingly would also save them from being eventually outed..

Hi, anon! (*this blogger cracks her neck and gets ready*) Let’s get into it!

Disclaimer: fake fake fake. Why would you think that we believe in bjyx?

Preface: this post might not be exactly a controversial opinion, since I think many will have the same one. However, it’s alright to disagree: we all have our own perception of the matter, which is coloured by our own experiences (let’s just say that an absolute objective view is difficult). I present here with the most objective post (at least in terms of data and facts) I could write.

Oh, and you all might have noticed, but being concise is not my forte. I tend to digress.

First of all, I assume that the concept of “coming out outside of the media” means that they could have told just close friends and family, without announcing it to the media.

But how would we know that they have done it? (and I don’t mean we should know for sure, ofc). For all we know, they may have already done this, and, from my pov, they probably have. Without entering in “fake” rumours:

TTXS bros know something (repeating myself for the nth time). From the way DZW jumps in whenever it remotely looks like dd is slipping up, how WH poses his questions, how QF teases him. It all seems references to a real, tangible thing, instead of baseless friendly teasing. It’s also very interesting that they have stopped their matchmaking mission and have instead started to defend why dd is “single”.

Their parents are their cover. Even if dd parents didn’t watch TTXS, wouldn’t someone else watch it and ask them about it? Wouldn’t they wonder about the supposed clothes that dd sends home, the medicine, the market stroll? Maybe I’m just projecting, but I wouldn’t use my parents as a shield if they weren’t aware of the situation behind it, because I’d be subjected to their questioning later. That’s why, unless I wanted to tell them or I had already told them, I wouldn’t use my parents as an excuse. So, once is alright, but dd has done it several times, and that, for me, means that his parents know.

That’s what I would consider “coming outside the media”. Of course, this doesn’t involve us fans, and it’s their decision, of which we probably will never hear about (or, at least, not soon, and that’s fine!). 

In my opinion, it’s also the best course of action, especially with all the rumours that are always circulating about them. It wouldn’t be a “brave and crazy” course of action, but rather the most sensible and rational, since it’s the best way to avoid misunderstandings with your friends and family. It’s also considerate for his friends at work, just so they know what to expect when they are on stage and it allows them to understand dd’s reactions.

(Again, we are talking about dd because that’s who anon asked about. I think gg’s circle is less close to him, so it may not be the case with him, but I don’t know enough to say what would happen).

Just let’s suppose his TTXS bros didn’t know anything and just kept trying to act as matchmakers for dd. That’s the kind of situation that’s bound to be uncomfortable for everyone because dd isn’t the kind of person who’d lie (and he doesn’t fast enough to improptu questions). 

The second thing I wanted to talk about is their fans’ support. I want to talk about numbers.

I’m going to explain why I only take the c-fans data as reference. We int fans don’t really count, because we don’t affect their careers directly, as c-fans do. Of course, our support is very useful in showing how many people are rooting for them, like what happened when Roseonly’s livestream with gg was live. And I like to think that they would feel better knowing that there are a lot of people in Chn and overseas that support them and whatever there is between them.

So int-fans do contribute to give more views and likes to their Roseonly livestream (if they can access it, which isn’t always the case), but they won’t buy the roses and impact with real money, so to say.

We don’t really participate in their endorsements, many won’t stay long enough to watch more dramas from them (and I do understand that the lack of eng subs is the main problem), and many don’t/can’t/don’t know how to push them up in the charts. We’ve talked before about how the c-ent industry doesn’t really need the int audience to make a lot of money, and to be highly profitable, and it still applies in a smaller case, like a single idol. 

That’s why I think that in matters of real, tangible fan support, c-fans still make a bigger percentage (around 80-90%) of their support.

So, as of now, there are 3 supertopics in w/ibo that features gg/dd (let’s leave the difference in supertopics for another day, but I don’t support the discussion about people’s sex life, thanks for your understanding):

BJYX. The largest supertopic (top 1) with a wide margin from the others. It has 2.570.000 fans.

ZSWW. It’s the number 5 in the CP supertopics, with 910.000 fans.

LXFY. The number 23 in the CP supertopics with 590.000 fans.

All of them added make 4.070.000 fans. But we have to take into account the overlapping in these three supertopics: many people (like me) are following the three supertopics at the same time. That’s why, in a not scientific way, I’m guessing that those 4.070.000 come to around 4.000.000 once you take out the people that are following the three at the same time.

Even 4 million people is still a huge number of people: that’s more people than the population of the capital of my country, and one tenth of the total census here.

Yet, in China, it means 4 out of every 1400, which translates into 0′003%. It’s also from a very specific demographic (mainly female and young). Of course, it doesn’t mean that they won’t get support from other people if it ever got out, but they can’t know what would happen then for sure.

It means that, in actual 3D world, there are a lot of people who don’t know about their CP. I read the other day some tumblr blogger saying that “we bxg are in our own little bubble, not that many people know about their cp” (was that you, @jcisthebestfightme?) which I agree a lot with. I mean, my w/ibo account and tumblr is filled with bjyx/yizhan, so much that it’s easy to forget that I arranged it to be like this, but that the majority of the people don’t receive so much info about them, nor they analyze their every move like we do.

The only thing they can know for sure is what general population thinks about same sex relationships.

In a recent poll I saw, with thousands of answers about what netizens thought of the legalization of same sex marriage in Taiwan, the supporting votes didn’t get to 50%. In Taiwan, public opinion was like this around the time same sex marriage was legalized:

An opinion poll conducted in November 2016 by the Kuomintang found that 52% of the Taiwanese population supported same-sex marriage, while 43% were opposed. Another poll commissioned that same month found similar numbers: 55% in support, and 45% in opposition. Support was higher among 20–29-year-olds (80%), but decreased significantly with age. (Wikipedia)

(I just want to say, I can’t wait for the younger generations to take over).

More data: the public stance in China could be described as: “no approval, no disapproval, no promotion”, and the public opinion is becoming more and more tolerant, but there’s still a deep-set homophobia, as in only 5% of the lgbt people comes out completely (around 20% comes out to their family), and around 80% of gay men are married to women due to social and family pressure (ofc, these data is from a few years ago, and new polls and surveys are needed, but don’t expect them to carry out a wide-range survey about this nor I think the situation has changed drastically).

In my opinion, society is slowly taking more steps towards tolerance first and acceptance second. One of their best achievement was the lgbt community and many netizens’ refusal to allow w/ibo to instate a ban on content related to homosexuality, which led to w/ibo actually reversing its decision and stop banning that content in less than 3 days.

However, the fact that a lot of people express their support doesn’t take away the truth of a lot of people openly opposing it (let’s remember that there weren’t so many antis to start with in 2/27, but its effects were undeniably large and unjust).

(If any of you read more data about lgbt rights in China, please remember that Hong Kong receives a lot more Western influence, and that public opinion in HK does not represent the actual situation in mainland Chn. Ofc, because they’re more open to lgbt, there are also more data and polls carried out in HK, so a lot of info is HK based).

Leaving this kind of data aside, let’s take another matter of numbers. While they have in total 4 million fans in the supertopics, dd has as of now 35,400,000 fans following him on w/ibo and gg has 26,690,000 fans.

One thing I’m sure they are aware of is the discussion that arises from time to time between the solo fans and the bxg. Another thing they must be aware of, specially dd, is that their fanbase has a lot of females who are their fans, not just because of their talent, but also because they’re single and therefore they can fantasize about being with them.

All in all, even though a lot of people support them, there would be also quite a number of “disappointed” people, with the danger of them becoming antis.

So while I do think they appreciate it, and leave clues specifically for us, and dd goes as far as interacting with bxg, I also feel that gg and dd might not see widespread support, enough so they’d feel comfortable coming out completely with the current public stance on homosexual relationships in Chn.

(And again, from my pov, they aren’t in the closet with their family and friends).

And last, but not least, does “coming out respecting the censorship and not talking about it with the media” mean that it would be known by the general public, or, at least, their fans (in a very hypothetic case, since I don’t know how this could be achieved)? Because then, even if they didn’t talk about it with the media, it would be as good as coming out publicly.

In an idol’s life there’s no “private” and “public”. There’s only “public” and “secret” (and by secret I mean things they “hide” in public/don’t talk about, even though people next to them might know about it). The line between public and private is very very blurred in the c-ent industry.

I always remember the case of an actor who had an affair. Because of his affair (he was married and had a son), he lost endorsements, he was taken out of tv programs and literally erased from filmed episodes. The things he did in private affected very directly his job (I don’t approve of the affair, but the consequences it had surprised me a lot). 

So, while I do think that gg and dd are getting bolder with time, when they were both very startled by the “you’d lose your job if you were in a relationship” phrase, the fear was real and palpable. However, I’m aware that that was their stance a year ago, and that a lot of things have changed (heck, we’ve gone through a pandemic, something I couldn’t have imagined a year ago), so I’m going to observe how they act from now.

That’s why, “coming out willingly would also save them from being eventually outed..” is true, but it’s also true that it would push them into a storm I’m not sure they’d come out completely unscathed. And it may be selfish, but I don’t want them to be the ones who test the public’s tolerance to gay idols.

I think I’m missing my point, so I’ll spell it out: if they want to come out, I’ll support them with everything I have, as I think many fans will do. If they ever prove us wrong dating another person, be it male or female, I’ll support them as a fan too. But I would like any action they take to be decided by them, instead of pressed by fans who just want a confirmation at any cost.

I’ve seen people saying that if they were really together, they should be “honest” with themselves and the audience and come out publicly. In my opinion, it’s easy to judge when you’re not the one who might lose something if you take a step in the wrong direction, and it’s not your income and your job in the line.

I’m sure (reminding you all that I believe that bjyxszd) that they’d come out completely if possible. I’m also sure that they have consulted with managers and public relations experts (and their team would have talked with them about it even if gg and dd didn’t bring it up). Therefore, I strongly believe they are doing what they think is better at the time being. 

To sum up: I’ll support whatever they do, but I don’t want others to push them to do things they don’t want/aren’t prepared to do. They are already between a rock and a hard place, so whatever they do with their relationship is absolutely their call.

So, anon, I hope I have answered you, but I leave here a short summary for you in the case the info was too scattered for you:

Would it be that impossible for dd and gg to come out as a couple (provided they respected censorship and didn't talk about it with the media)? I read the other day that homosexuality is not illegal in China, just talking about it and showing in the media, so could not someone as brave and crazy as dd attempt to come out outside of the media?

They might have come out to friends and family, and, based on dd’s interactions with the people around him and the words he has said, I do believe he has. Because gg is also an honest, sensible person, I think he might have done the same.

after all they are the first 3 shipped real couples in china, they do have support 

Chn is a big country. That means that in terms of public support, sometimes numbers that would be astronomically high in other countries, is not so much in Chn. Translating numbers into percentage, a 1% means 14 million people.

So it’s true that they have a lot of people supporting them, of course. 2 million people is a lot of people, especially considering that many don’t know about them. But when you have to take into account the general public (because it’d be a scandal), since their fans aren’t the only ones interacting with them, it’s still a low number.

Coming out willingly would also save them from being eventually outed.. 

That’s true in the case of family and friends. But if you’re talking about being outed in the media, that’s not possible. Known by the fans = Public.

And remember that in this case, the media wouldn’t talk about them, since talking about homosexuality in the media is prohibited. The problem would come from within the industry and the antis.

[tiriansjewel]

find it here on Spotify!

lyric explanations below the cut! (click images for better quality)

~~

~~

1. The 1 by Taylor Swift

“But it would've been fun

If you would've been the one”

As we start the playlist, Luke and Alex are taking a wistful look back on their relationship in the 90s now that they’ve moved on to other people.

2. Coming Clean by Green Day

“Seventeen and strung out on confusion

Trapped inside a roll of disillusion

I found out what it takes to be a man

Now mom and dad will never understand”

Back in the 90s, both Luke and Alex are coming to terms with their sexualities.

3. Smells Like Teen Spirit

“With the lights out, it's less dangerous

Here we are now, entertain us”

Sunset Curve were working towards popularity right at the height of the grunge scene, and I would assume that both Luke and Alex heard quite a bit of this song as teenagers.

4. Now or Never by Sunset Curve

“Keep dreaming like we'll live forever

But live it like it's now or never”

How could I not include Sunset Curve’s own song? They like living in the moment, and that includes their love lives.

5. Everlong by the Foo Fighters

“And I wonder

If everything could ever feel this real forever

If anything could ever be this good again

The only thing I'll ever ask of you

You've got to promise not to stop when I say when”

When you go through adolescence, you crave intimacy with other people. This song exemplifies what Luke and Alex want from each other- to be able to feel, and to be able to experience those feelings on a deeper level.

6. Ocean Size by Jane’s Addiction

“Wish I was ocean size

They cannot move you, man

No one tries

No one pulls you

Out from your hole

Like a tooth aching a jawbone”

Jane’s Addiction was another LA rock band of this time period, and these lyrics about wanting to be powerful like the ocean and having to leave your home really remind me of Luke.

7. All Apologies by Nirvana

“What else should I be?

All apologies

What else should I say?

Everyone is gay”

This song is Kurt Cobain ironically apologizing for his cynical attitude, including the line “everyone is gay” to mock homophobes. It reminds me of Alex- he doesn’t want to be “married and buried”; he is rebelling against his parents’ definition of a correct lifestyle.

8. Freaking Out The Neighborhood by Max DeMarco

“And I know it's no fun

When your first son

Gets up to no good

Starts freaking out the neighborhood”

Emily Patterson and Alex’s mom were probably both pretty appalled by their sons effectively joining the counterculture. At this point, both Luke and Alex are starting to express themselves more, comfortable in who they are and what they want.

9. Hangout With You by Diners

“All I want

Is to talk with you now

And I know that you've got time

You are constantly on my mind

Yes I know that you've got time

To hang out with me

Tonight”

Luke has begun to realize that he likes Alex, and in true Luke fashion, can’t stop thinking about it.

10. Affection by Between Friends

“I'm laying on the floor

We're drinking 'cause we're bored

Oh, I'm looking for affection in all the wrong places

And we'll keep falling on each other to fill the empty spaces”

One night, it all comes out- their feelings and desires- and they decide to begin some kind of friends with benefits type of situation. This song feels like it’s from Luke’s perspective to me.

11. gold rush by Taylor Swift

“What must it be like

To grow up that beautiful?

With your hair falling into place like dominos

I see me padding 'cross your wooden floors

With my Eagles t-shirt hanging from the door

At dinner parties

I call you out on your contrarian shit

And the coastal town

We wandered 'round had never

Seen a love as pure as it

And then it fades into the gray of my day old tea

'Cause you know it could never be”

Luke is a magnetic person, attracting everyone, and Alex finds him beautiful. He is in awe of him, but he’s also scared about having feelings he doesn’t know how to handle. This song kind of shows Alex’s internal monologue.

12. Can We Kiss Forever? by Kina

“I tried to reach you, I can't hide

How strong's the feeling when we dive

I crossed the ocean of my mind

My wounds are healing with the salt

All my senses intensified

Whenever you and I, we dive”

This song describes their first kiss, obscured from the world, in my mind. Plus, there’s ocean metaphors. You can’t go wrong with that.

13. 18 by Anarbor

“So if you wanna piss off your parents

Date me to scare them

Show them you're all grown up

If long hair and tattoos are what attract you

Baby, then you're in luck

And I know it's just a phase

You're not in love with me

You wanna piss off your parents, baby

That's alright with me”

Luke knows Alex isn’t in love with him, but they both want to try new things. Bonus points for this song having references to frayed parent-child relationships.

14. Boys Will Be Boys by Miles McKenna

“That graduation day, it never came for you and me

Couple drop-out kids, a shotgun wedding's all we need

Sorry, Mom, Sorry, Dad

Better luck next time

A couple packs a day, pierced nose and tattoos on our legs

No strangers to pretend, we've always been too proud to beg

Sorry, Mom, Sorry, Dad

Better luck next time

Boys will be boys”

This song referencing a “couple of drop out kids” just going with the flow made me think of how Sunset Curve probably never would have finished high school.

15. Just Like You by Three Days Grace

“You thought you were there to guide me, you were only in my way

You're wrong if you think that I'll be just like you

I could be mean

I could be angry

You know I could be just like you.”

Both Luke and Alex have tons of resentment for their parents, obviously.

16. Sunstroke by Less Than Jake

“We've all been living proof

That time won't wait or choose

We know it ticks on without me and you

And I can't have both sides

Letting go or holding tight

I'm burning bright tonight”

This song about being stubborn and time not waiting really reminded me of Luke, plus the foreshadowing of them becoming ghosts and adapting to a whole new world.

17. Saint Bernard by Lincoln

“Saint Calvin told me not to worry about you

But he's got his own things to deal with

There's really just one thing that we have in common

Neither of us will be missed”

This song just made me think about Alex and his Catholic guilt.

18. Bedroom Hymns by Florence and the Machine

“This is a good a place to fall as any

We'll build our altar here

Make me your Maria

I'm already on my knees

You had Jesus on your breath

And I caught Him in mine

Sweating out confessions

The undone and the divine

This is his body, this is his love

Such selfish prayers and I can't get enough, oh”

Part 2 of Alex and his Catholic guilt. Their relationship has become more carnal, and this song maybe gives a little of Alex’s perspective into that time.

19. Church by Fall Out Boy

“And if death is the last appointment

Then we're all just sitting in the waiting room

I am just a human trying to avoid my certain doom

If you were church, yeah

I'd get on my knees”

Here ends the trilogy of songs with religious references. This song is heady and sensual and also includes some nice foreshadowing of their deaths.

20. Bros by Wolf Alice

“Shake your hair, have some fun

Forget our mothers and past lovers, forget everyone

Oh, I'm so lucky, you are my best friend

Oh, there's no one, there's no one who knows me like you do

Are your lights still on?

I'll keep you safe

If you keep me strong”

Here’s another song from Luke’s perspective- talking about forgetting mothers, being best friends, and keeping Alex safe, as long as Alex keeps him strong.

21. Slip Away by Perfume Genius

“Don't look back, I want to break free

If you'll never see 'em coming
You'll never have to hide

Take my hand, take my everything

If we only got a moment

Give it to me now

They'll never break the shape we take

Baby, let all them voices slip away”

Alex struggles with losing his family over his sexuality, and Luke helps him through it.

22. Make Out In My Car by Sufjan Stevens

“I'm not trying to

Go to bed with you

I just wanna make out in my car

And though I'm dying to

Fall in love with you

I just wanna make out in my car”

Another great song about just wanting to exist with someone, about wanting touch and feel and create. They don’t want to fall in love, they just want to be.

23. I Exist I Exist I Exist by Flatsound

“I remember the way you shook

Its a shame that we're not soul mates

Because if i didn't know better

I'd say this feels pretty good

How could i be scared?

When i stretch and feel that you're there

So shut your mouth

Because these words will speak themselves

I can feel them in these blankets

And they're surrounding your figure

Embraced in the quilts

And i cant help but think

You're my missing puzzle piece”

This song is so beautiful- with references to helping a partner through anxiety, and being just like ones mother... a lot of this dynamic in my mind is Luke and Alex reminding each other that they exist, that life is wide and bright, that they’re alive. This gives a window into Luke’s inner feelings as well.

24. Come on, Mess Me Up by Cub Sport

“I found comfort, I fell in love with avoiding problems

But I want this, you know I want this

So come on, mess me up

And you can break me, if you'll still take me

Ruin me, if you'll let me be one of the ones you say you won't forget”

At some point, they become more reckless about their feelings, a little less level headed about their arrangement. Intimacy is an escape.

25. Please Never Fall In Love Again by Ollie MN

“This is what it's like to be lovers

You and me need never be lonely again

Spin with me endlessly or at least until the end

Please never fall in love again”

As usually happens with these arrangements, feelings are caught. Luke and Alex consider making things more serious.

26. Can I Call You Tonight? by Dayglow

“Batteries drain, I get the memo

I think that I might have to let you go

So can I call you tonight?

I'm trying to make up my mind

Just how I feel

Could you tell me what's real?”

The end of their relationship is near, and Alex is unsure. You can decide if this takes place before or after they die.

27. Wicked Game by Chris Isaak

“I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you

And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you

No, I don't wanna fall in love with you”

Eventually these relationships all start to feel like games, don’t they?

28. Perfect by The Smashing Pumpkins

“So far I still know who you are

But now I wonder who I was

Angel, you know it's not the end

We'll always be good friends”

Another song about the end of a relationship, and finding yourself again. There’s a bit of resentment there, but they are learning to be friends again.

29. Miss Missing You by Fall Out Boy

“Maybe I'll burn a little brighter tonight

Let the fire breathe me back to life

Baby you were my picket fence

I miss missing you, now and then”

They’ve gotten over each other and become friends again, but are still nostalgic for the past. Bonus points for references about coming back to life.

30. Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) by Green Day

“For what it's worth

It was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable

But in the end it's right

I hope you had the time of your life”

Ah yes, the song everyone uses to commemorate bittersweet ends- it’s the perfect clincher for this playlist.

I hope you all enjoy listening!

[max--phillips]

Questioning anon from earlier. Your response actually made me cry. It was already a relief just to get it all out. But to just be validated, there's no words.

I don't have a lot of people to talk to about it. I don't know many LGBTQIA people in real life. My one cousin who came out as gay a couple years ago doesn't talk about it much. Not saying that I expected him to be different just because he came out. Just that he told us and then it's kinda never been mentioned again. I also had an uncle that probably would have talked to me about it and helped me work through everything who died when I was really little. Other than that it's just an acquaintance here or there. No one I really felt comfortable opening up to about this. There's one person that I feel like I could talk to about it, but she's not LGBTQIA. So I don't know how much insight she could give. Plus I haven't seen her since before the pandemic and this doesn't feel like the kind of conversation I want to have with her over the phone or online. A little ironic since I put all this out on tumblr.

My family kinda just sees it as gay, lesbian, or straight. So definitely no help there. Which is also why I felt people would be like there is no might. I knew the Q meant questioning, but when you live your whole life around people that only see it one way it's hard to feel safe enough to open up. They say they accept my cousin, but then they turn around and do something that makes me question whether or not they would be supportive. Like my bitch of a sister who said an amab I know that recently came out as trans made an ugly woman. Seriously!? She should be happy I didn't punch her. But I'm getting off topic.

Compulsory heterosexuality definitely sounds like an explanation. I always develop crushes on fictional characters and celebs. Pedro Pascal and his fucking face man. And that damn voice! But it also led me to someone not only being understanding about my situation but also more than happy to try to help me through it. So I guess I should be thankful.

I don't think I've ever heard the "being straight isn't a default" before. But I feel like that is going to be my new slogan. Especially while I'm trying to figure things out.

Everything you said was extremely helpful and was definitely a great pep talk. I've been feeling crappy for days with all this rolling around in my head. But I'm feeling a lot better because of how freeing this all was.

There’s a big difference in opening up to someone you’re close to & getting it off your chest anonymously, so I totally get that!! And even though she isn’t LGBT, she’s someone in your life who could very well be very supportive of your journey and just be there for you, even if she doesn’t have a lot of insight. (That being said, just like with so many other things, human beings in general are far more alike than they are different. Obviously being queer/LGBT has its uniquenesses, but sometimes the best life advice comes from the strangest places if that makes any sense.) I hope you get to talk to her in person soon!!

Trust me when I say I understand what you mean when you say to your family it’s either gay lesbian or straight. For a long time I was out as bi/pan and my grandma on my dads side would always ask my dad “so is she gay, or…?” and my dad would always be like “not really?” And granted there’s some generational barriers there, but my mom’s side of the family has a much more conservative religious background in general and that’s… interesting around the holidays For Sure. (Though I’m at a point in my life where I just sorta own it and make people uncomfortable unapologetically gjdbdjfjdbdh) Unfortunately though sometimes people just… don’t come around to it, and they don’t get it. And sometimes their allyship is performative and meaningless. Don’t let other people’s shittiness stop you from being true to yourself. I believe the saying goes, those who matter don’t mind, and those who mind don’t matter.

(I’d be happy to join you in punching your sister tbh)

The one thing I dislike about how lesbians in particular talk about compulsory heterosexuality is that usually they say we “suffer” from it and like, I’m sure there are people out there for whom it is a much bigger problem, and yeah it’s made me question my sexuality a couple times, but in the end I know I don’t want to spend my life with a man so I just… channel whatever weird parasocial comphet feelings I have towards Pedro into writing fic n stuff gjdbdjfjdbdh (my point here is: don’t let it be a detriment to you right off the bat. Like you said, being in this fandom has been pretty neat! And fuck YES his voice!!!)

I’m glad I could help 💖💖 I guess I have one more piece of closing advice: don’t force yourself to rush this. I know that questioning something like this can be uncomfortable and cause a lot of icky feelings, but rushing in and forcing yourself into a box you might not fit in can also be really uncomfortable and cause a lot of icky feelings. It’s okay to take your time and really get in the weeds with this! It’s not a race! And if your label changes again down the line, or you grow and change and the box you landed in no longer fits you, it’s okay to question things again! It’s okay to change! Gender and sexuality both are a pretty sticky, gooey, fluid-y mess (take that as you will I suppose girbfjfjebgjdbsbns) and for a lot of people it isn’t stagnant. The tldr of that rambly mess is: go with the flow, take your time & don’t force anything, and if things change, it’s okay to start the process over again.

I believe in you, and if you need anything, I’m here for ya 💖

[fictionalrambles]

Shadowhunters Fandom Story - Part Fifteen

Submitted by jwrites_

Five Favourite Fics:

1. What's It Gonna Be by @lemonoclefox

Why I love this fic: I'm a sucker for Pride & Prejudice. San was able to take that dynamic and put it all in a modern day telling of it. I can't count how many times I've read this. Sometimes I read it all the way through, other times I go and find my favorite parts just to get that rush of emotions it never fails to give. The enemies to lovers is done perfectly, the dialogue is great and flows seamlessly, the way she tied in the storyline between Simon, Isabelle, Valentine, and Alec together was genius. I truly love every word of this story.

Favorite scene: Awkward - love - confession - in -  the -  rain

Favorite quote(s):

(Yes. Love confessions are great but have you ever overheard someone say something rude about you and then have the opportunity later that same night to be able to casually call that person out for their comment?)

"Her friend is..." He trails off, as though searching for the word, and Magnus can imagine him gesturing in the meantime. "Interesting," Jace eventually settles on, pointedly.

"Who, that Bane guy?" Alec says, and as he does, Magnus is hit with a wave of intrigued surprise. Does Alec like men? Interesting. The assumption could be wrong, of course, but Jace's tone implies that that's why he's mentioning it. "He's a bit over the top, don't you think?"

He sounds almost disdainful as he says it, as though Jace's mere suggestion is laughable, and Magnus's intrigue immediately shifts to offended annoyance. He straightens a little where he stands, reluctantly affected by it.

--

"I mean, love songs are great," Magnus admits lightly. "But stringing a few pretty words together does seem a bit unoriginal when everyone does it."

Simon shoves him lightly in offense, and Magnus can't help but laugh.

"Then what do you suggest?" Magnus is taken completely by surprise when he realizes that it's Alec who's speaking, and he turns to him. The guy's expression is neutral, but seems genuinely curious.

"Oh, I don't know," Magnus says, swirling his drink around in his glass. He shrugs. "I suppose I'm more a fan of showing and not telling. I'd much prefer someone showing interest in what I like and who I am, than comparing my eyes to the night sky, and whatnot." He gestures airily, then hesitates. He suddenly can't seem to stop himself, the memory of the Lightwoods' overheard conversation bubbling to the surface. "I think most people can appreciate that. Even if some of us are a bit over the top."

--Okay...I'm gonna go ahead and throw in a love confession~

"Look, I don't expect anything from you," he says, as though the words are hard to say. "You've made your feelings pretty clear, and I respect that. But I heard you talked to my mom, and with the stuff you said to her... I guess it just kind of made me a bit hopeful, or something. A bit." He clears his throat, while Magnus just listens. He turns to watch Alec's profile as the young man struggles to find the words, eyes on the view in front of him. "Either way, I'll admit that how I feel hasn't really changed. Maybe it should have, but..."

Alec shakes his head, and Magnus feels his throat go dry. He wants to interrupt Alec, wants to say and show everything that's bursting out of his chest, but he waits. Alec takes a deep breath then, turns to him. He looks determined.

"If you want me to," he says steadily, "I'll go. I'll leave you alone, I promise. You won't hear from me again." He pauses, licks his lips. "But if you don't want me to, if something has changed since last time, somehow... I'd really like to know. Because that would be pretty great."

2. 42 North 71 West by @lecrit​

Why I love this fic: I was blessed with the opportunity to witness Lu working on this fic from its conception to its end. I was there and still I am blown away at the way she was able to work the time jumps. I remember thinking with every chapter I read, 'Wow. The way she is telling this story is amazing. She is amazing.' Lu has a way of presenting so much honesty in her characters. She writes them in a way that feels so real, that you can't help but understand their fears and hesitations even though it hurts. The story is a back and forth told through scenes set in the past and present. You get to see what they were and where they are. The story is beautifully heartbreaking. And she was able to make me enjoy a story that dealt with politics? What? Sorcery, I tell you. -- also, the bench.

Favorite scene: This was almost impossible to choose and I took way too long trying to pinpoint just one. But I'm going to go with one that I hold very dear. When Magnus goes to visit Alec on his birthday and he finds Alec playing the song he only plays when he's sad. That's all I'm going to say because I don't want to spoil~

Favorite quote(s):

“Magnus,” Alec breathes out.

The name feels almost foreign, as if he hadn’t uttered it in too long and now his mind is troubling to catch up with his mouth. Still, it manages to make Alec’s heart stutter.

--

“We should’ve stayed on that bench in Boston,” he murmurs.

--

The good thing is, he knows where to go to find his way back. It is inked on his body, engraved into his soul, sealed into his heart.

3. Lead The Way by Clockworkswan

Why I love this fic: Because it takes the wonderful adventure of Doctor Who and packs it in with Malec. This is the ultimate fun and feel good but you will also cry at one point fic. I always go back to it if I want a wonderfully written Doctor Magnus and his adorable companion Alec. Seriously, even if you're not into Doctor Who, give this fic a shot. It's written in a way that you will get so caught up in the adventure that you won't even realize it's based on something else. And if you're a Doctor Who fan, you're in luck with all the little Easter Eggs Heather left throughout.

Favorite scene: I really don't want to spoil anything. The planet of Ablorix. This will mean nothing if you don't read the fic (so you should ;])

Favorite quote(s):

Magnus extends a hand. It’s just like before, when they were in the hallway a couple of weeks ago. It’s just as inviting as it was the first time.

“How about it, pretty boy? Name a star. Any one will do. Or a date,” Magnus says. The double meaning is evident when he winks. He pauses then, and his expression shifts, growing solemn.

A clear shift in his demeanour happens. Magnus turns from playful to sincere in the blink of an eye. Although, there was also a serious tone to it. Magnus looks at him, and understanding eyes meet Alec’s hesitant ones. “Alexander, you seem like a man in need of a break, and I am very much a man in need of a friend. Adventures are always a quick way in figuring out what you want. What do you say?”

What does he say?

He says yes.

Of course Alec does.

--

Before Magnus can think of a good retort, he tries to ignore the clenching ache his stomach gives at the sight of a confident, smirking Alec Lightwood watching him so openly. He settles for pointing in a random direction. “I have to go and see a dog about a man. Meet back here in five?”

“Uh, isn’t the expression, ‘see a man about a dog’?”

“Not when the dog ran off with the man’s wife. A rather big scandal, it seems. The president wants me to try and step in. Smooth things over, so to speak.”

At that, Alec just stares blankly.

Magnus holds up a finger. “Yes, this is normal for me. No, you may not come along. Go.”

4. Love & Other Drugs prequel of Our Love Is A Harsh Chord in the Semi-charmed Kind Life series by @la-muerta​

Why I love this fic: I'm kind of cheating here by listing two fics but they're a package deal. Love & Other Drugs was a smutty one-shot that left me wanting

more...

backstory. Let me tell you the pining and 'unrequited' love between those two demanded a story to be written. Which is why when la_muerta ran a poll on whether or not she should start it or another series first, I campaigned for this one like it was my job (I lost but I still got the series eventually so did I really lose?) The writing in this and with all of la_muerta's fics will hook you. The sadness over the back and forth between them is done so well. It's angst that will grip you and hold onto you until you eventually finish. Just go on the twitter hashtag of #OLIAHCfic and see my screaming.

Favorite scene: Probably the LSD scene.

Favorite quote(s):

Alec was still here, in bed with him.

How many times had Magnus wished that he could wake up with Alec in his arms? He didn't dare to move, wanting the dream to last a little longer, but Alec was already stirring.

--

he'll wonder if life would be a little easier if he wasn't hopelessly in love with Magnus, but it is a fact of who he is now: Alec Lightwood is 6'3, has dark hair, is gay, and is in love with Magnus Bane.

--

They are lying next to each other now, turned on their sides and face to face. The world is no longer warped and weird, but glowing and perfect. Magnus is tracing a path of lightning down Alec's body with his fingertips, and in a moment of clarity Alec understands that in Magnus' eyes he is as beautiful as he thinks Magnus is (it is the first thing Alec forgets when he wakes up sober later).

--

Words aren't enough to express how he feels, but they've always understood each other better when clumsy words don't get in the way.

5. The Lonely Hearts Hotline by @unrestrainedlyexcessive​

Why I love this fic: It's funny, it's endearing, it's heart wrenching, it's sexy, etc. The way Alec is written in this fic is one of my favorite characterizations. The way his situation can resonate with so many young adults today. That feeling when you're an adult and you feel like you should know what to do with your life and who you should be but the truth is, you're still just as lost as always. Being an adult sucks tbh and even when you're an adult, sometimes life doesn't quite feel like it. Alec's character and growth in this fic is beautiful. (I also really loved Jace in this fic)

Favorite scene: A tough choice. Probably the office party and follow up scene in Magnus' office.

Favorite quote(s):

The problem with being a new grad, in general, is that the world and job force demands you have experience, but you have to live a certain number of productive years on the planet to gain that experience.

Early adulthood is no man's land. You don’t have the experience to matter and no one wants to pay you to gain it, hence how he ended up in the precarious situation he’s in: dodgy sex work by night, an even dodgier roommate, and desperately hoping an internship eventually turns into an actual paying job.

--

Magnus runs his tongue down the knobs of Alec's spine. "You're so beautiful," he says, pausing.

"I'm really not," Alec insists, eyes fluttering closed.

"Why are you so kind to everyone except yourself?"

"I'm a work in progress."

"Aren't we all?"

[chokemepaulson]

'You Ain't Gotta Worry It's An Open Invitation'

Pairing - Audrey Tindall x Reader

Warnings - S M U T!!! Praise, begging, brat, the works. I went all out for Tori because she deserves the BEST and only the best. Periodt.

Words - 1,892

Tag List - @shineestark @ahs-honey @marilynroselleprentiss @gay-and-sad-tm

“I just don’t understand why they would only give me a stand-in part, do they not know who I am? I’m Audrey Tindall dammit!” The woman’s british accent reverberated off the walls of the study as she paced in front of you. “Seriously though? Stand-in?” she crosses her arms over her chest. “It’s honestly so ridiculous.”

“Audrey didn’t I tell you not to audition?” You lean back into the armchair and your eyes follow her pacing form. You had written the show and you actually wrote a character specifically for Audrey that you wanted her to play, but the character wouldn’t be appearing until later. Her auditioning was a total act of defiance and you knew it. “You know I have no control over the casting directors.”

The short haired blonde stops her pacing and she shakes her head. “Well yes darling, you did tell me not to audition.” She nibbles her bottom lip then. “But my agent called with the part.” she tries to reason her actions with you but you weren’t having it.

“So you listened to your agent, not me.” You cross your leg over the other and your forearms rest on the arms of the chair. “Over my lap,” You lift your chin up and you look deep into her shocked eyes. “Now.”

Audrey feels her throat tighten as she listened to your stern demand. “O-Over your lap?” The blonde stands completely still in her spot and she licks her lips before she shakes her head, “No.” And god she had no idea why she denied your demand but she did and she immediately regretted it because you rarely lose your patience with her but already your eyes were lit with a frustration she hadn’t seen in months. You two were always just too busy.

"No?” The world slithers its way out from between your lips while you stand from your chair. Stalking towards Audrey like she was a mouse and you were the starving cat that had been hunting their prey for weeks.

Audrey blushed darkly and she bites the inside of her bottom lip as she’s cornered, stepping back a few times before her shoulder blades hit the wall behind her. A gasp is pushed out of her chest and she looks at you with wide eyes, “What are you going to do?” She questions and honestly she sounds damn near breathless.

You place your forearms on either side of her head, resting them there on the wall as you lean in, your breath washing over Audrey’s face. “Nothing.” You whisper simply and your nose brushes against hers, Audrey’s eyes close in anticipation and her breathing picks up its pace. The blonde licks her lips and gets ready for you to kiss her, but after hearing the study door close her brown eyes flutter open and she stares at it in pure and utter shock. You had left her there all on her own in the room, with no kiss.

It takes her a few moments but when she actually realizes you weren’t coming back into the room she feels her anger build, the older woman walks out of the study and she stomps her way up the steps, and after not seeing you in the bedroom she lets out a growl. Grabbing pillows off the bed she throws them to the other side of the room. Wadding up the quilt that you two used every night she throws it out into the hall and she pulls the fitted sheet off the mattress, before blowing a puff of air out of her mouth so she could move her falling bangs. “Stupid shit.”

You had finally made your way out of the guest bedroom with the duffle bag filled with punishment toys when a small pillow was thrown out of your room and into the hallway. You had to step over pretty much all of the bedding that resided there on the floor of the hall, and your eyebrow arches in slight amusement as you take a peek inside the bedroom. Watching as Audrey had her little hissy fit.

Once you step inside you drop the bag onto the carpeted floor and it gathers Audrey’s attention. Her face was flushed from all of her exertion and her eyes were red rimmed from the crying. “Absolutely not.” Audrey grumbled and she stomps over to you, snatching the bag up. “You’re not leaving me.” Her eyes trace your form, the brown orbs slid down your body and then they made their way back up to gaze into your own eyes. “You couldn’t survive without me.” she spits out, and it would sound harsh to you if you didn’t see the look that her eyes held. The sadness and fear in them.

Audrey takes the bag to the bare mattress and she unzips it with haste, planning on dumping all of your belongings out onto the bed. “Thinking you can leave me. As i- oh,” Audrey's eyes widened in shock as she takes a look inside the black unmarked duffle bag you had packed just a few minutes ago.

“Yeah.” You walk up to stand behind her, your hand slides up the older womans back and you let out a hum of disapproval. “Oh.”

A blush paints Audrey’s otherwise pale features and she has to bite her bottom lip to stop herself from smiling like crazy. All of the toys in there were her favorites and she knew her punishment would’ve involved her coming at least once. “I’m sorry.” She eventually whispers and turns to you so she can search your face for forgiveness over the situation, but there wasn't any.

“Oh no, no no, lay down, arms above your head.” Your voice is low as you push her slim frame down against the bare mattress in front of her.

Audreys heart skips a beat and her chest leaps with pure anticipation as the front of her thighs touch the side of the bed. The older woman climbs up onto it and follows through with your request. Her arms held above her head like she was told she sniffs and looks down at you from under her hooded eyelids. “Like this?”

You’re silent as you grab Audrey’s favorite silk tie of yours from the dresser before you made your way back to the bed, looping the long piece of fabric around the headboard and then Audrey’s wrist, tying her to the bed. Making sure the deep purple material is snug against the blondes wrists you straddle her thighs and a smirk finally fills your features as you look down at her. This was going to be fun.

"Please," She whispers "Please I’ve been such a bad girl don’t you think?”

You move down the bed and you sit on your bare heels, letting your fingers slide up the insides of her cream colored thighs. “Oh you most definitely have been bad, bratty even.”

The needy woman bites her bottom lip hard and she has to hold back a moan that tried to crawl out of her lungs. Audrey loved being punished, she would purposely get in trouble most of the time just so she could see the fire in your eyes.

The look on her face sent a surge of power through you, the flush on her cheeks, the darkness in her eyes. "What should I do with you." You tilt your head as you scan her body, you quickly made up your mind though and without warning you smack the outside of Audrey's thigh. Delighting in the ripple that was created from it.

Audrey gasps out in a mixture of pain and surprise, she hadn't expected the slap but she didn't mind it. "Come on..." she mumbles and it causes you to look away from the reddening hand print on her thigh.

"What? What is it?" You question with a raised eyebrow. "Do you have a problem? Hm?" You move up her body and your face is now mere inches away from hers.

Her dark brown eyes gaze into yours and she bites the corner of her bottom lip as she feels your breath on her face. "No problem, " she whispered. "I was just... Wondering if you'd hurry up and get to the part where I get to come." She licks her lips then and she smiles innocently.

"Oh you thought you would get to have fun tonight?" You chuckled darkly as you shake your head. "My poor girl," a fake pout makes its way onto your face.

"You mean..." She swallows the lump in her throat and her body starts to tremble, "You mean I don't get to..." She searches your face for any sign that you were joking, and she really really hoped you were just joking.

"Finish? Come? No, none of that," You wrap your hand around her neck before leaning down, grasping the woman's bottom lip in between your teeth. You pull it away from her face before letting it go with a pop.

Audrey moans and she licks her now bruised bottom lip, "But that's not how this goes." She whispered as she gazes at you, and boy did she have her innocent pleading face down pat.

"Oh? It doesn't?" You slide your left hand up the inside of her thighs, the skin hot and sticky from her dripping arousal. As your fingertips graze the woman's folds you let out a deep chuckle. "Well, how about we change things up a bit."

Audrey let's out a whine. "Come on!" She pulls at the tie around her wrists and she releases a deep frustrated puff of air. "If you don't fuck me I'll finish myself!" She finally pulls one of her hands free and she smiles in triumph.

You gasp and you grab her wrist, using it as leverage to pull her entire body up into your own. "Oh baby girl you've really done it now." Your voice is husky and your eyes are dark with a mischievous glint that makes Audrey's entire body light up in goosebumps.

"Oh bloody hell."

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[phoneismybf]

TharnType the Series Ep. 8 Review

I'm not ready for this episode yet people are very exited for the torture (?). Lol.

#TharnTypeEp8 #TharnTypeS #TharnTypetheSeries

It is unsual to see TumTar at the beginning but it is good to see them smile like that. Do you see that big smile from Tar when Tum plays the certain melody? Finally he can smile that free. Well suddenly sad again because of the birthday notification. Hurry up both of you need to clear everything.

Watch TharnType the Series Ep. 8 Engsub

Okay Ai Tharn we knew that you like dark chocolate now but don't emphasis it. We knew who has a darker skin. Yes, khun mom want to see him, why you don't say that he is yours. Hahaha. (I think he remembers what Type said about he is not ready yet, yes, okay, gentleman) Now here he is, the P'San Khrap. Seems he really close to this family already. Liau, wait, Tharn isn't that happy receiving the gift from him. What is this, miss the 14 of Tharn, may be he was a cry baby back then but not now P'. Yes, no more cute little boy, he already have a daddy's little boy at the dorm. Oiiii, such a supportive big bro, yes Tharn is more handsome than him and look at Tharn's smile. He probably said "I love you big bro" in silence.

Ai No.... Euuuu he should go with Tharn to his house so Tharn could introduce him to everyone there. SEE...... EVERYONE HEAR THAT, THIS IS THE REASON WHY TYPE WANTED TO TELL NO ONLY BECAUSE HE IS THE ONE WHO WILL SPILL THE TEA. SO TYPE DOSEN'T NEED TO EXPLAIN OR DECLARE ANYTHING. LMAO. KEEP ASKING PEUN.... KEEP ASKING CHAMP, COME ON CORNER BOTH OF THEM. DAMN not this time guys... Let them "kin" each other, I mean kin the grilled meats. Look at No's apologies, how cute he is. Hahaha

Got an Audy bae... Ready to pick you up. Have a car but live in a condo. What else you could think Ai No beside it is more convenient for practice music, of course to let Type scream without anyone knows what they are doing. LOL.

Peun... Don't judge a book by its cover. The one who know the real Tharn is Type only between all of you. Also he is his wify so don't ever think to say anything bad about Tharn.

Techno really digs everything on Type, he is curious now about their relationship. Ai No... You are a good friend but I'm worry you will spill more. See, even he is the one who mention about P'San first to Type. Meung maeng....

Type.... make a wish for Tharn, please. You never make a wish on your birthday or never wish or pray for other for their own goodness? Why he can't understand? Yes, the bed is all yours don't feel ngao/lonely.

Yes, Long always remember his crush's birthday. I want to dig information from him. I'm sure that he likes Tharn. No excuses with those facebook updates. P'San was Tharn first love, O.K. may the war come then.

WHAT THE F*CKKKKKK. WHAT DID TYPE GIVE? WHAT THE, BAD, YOU BAD BOY. YOU ARE NOT DADDY'S LITTLE BOY ANYMORE. HOW MANY TIMES BOTH OF YOU WILL DO IT? MY RATIONAL THINKING HAS STOP WORKING. CUTE BUT NO NO NO... YOU WERE GOOD TO NOT TELLING AI NO ABOUT THE PRESENTS. "hurry up come, I'm already dying to use the presents" Tharn. WHATEVER LA MEUNG....

YES, YOU HAVE ALL THE FLAVORS, WE KNEW YOUR FAVORITE IS C.H.O.C.H.O.L.A.T.E. He is starving for food not for S yet. Hurry up get him one then do the rounds later. Look at that satisfying smile on Type's face. Why I can't resist his cuteness though. Wow he opened the wraped present, not good boy not good, the owner didn't know it yet. Just say it you just got jealous. I smell something after this, what will Tharn do? Ai Tharn what will you do? Don't tell me that you the one who will start a fire between Type and P'San.

SEE.... TECHNO SPILLED IT AGAIN TO HIS FRIENDS, THE QUEENS. OIII AI NOO..... a little bit but (sigh). "I think he wants to keep it secret to" Type. Hell no, we all know the truth. "then why you still upset, shouldn't you be crazy in love with your boyfriend?" Techno. They were intended to be crazy in love but were canceled Ai No. Yes, help them make up so they can make love later. Mmmm... What?

Ow that smile comes from Tharn. I know there is something odd. Not funny Tharn, if you make, what I think, come true. Type really such an honest person, he keeps the emotion on his face while greeting P'San. YOU ARE JEALOUS AI TYPE. P'San's radar is on, get over that hand P, don't let people burn in jealousy. AI TECHNOOO WHY HE IS SUCH A J*RK. YOU SAID YOU WANNA HELP THEM TO MAKE UP. I can see Tharn don't want him to join too. Ai No... Why? Even Tharn is worry now about Type. I really want to punch this PEUN on his face, WHY HE MENTIONED THAT GIRL. SUCH A TRIAL FRIEND. That hand P' yud leui... Stop it... Now you understand right? Ai No... I can see your reaction, I'll punch you if you still act innocent. F*CK OFF BRO YOU GET ON MY NERVE. STOP BEING CURIOUS AND YOU STILL CAN LAUGH LIKE THAT. DONE WITH YOU. BYE... BETRAYAL. SEE..... I know he doesn't like raw food that's why he ordered the grilled one. But he never tells Tharn because he feels uneasy to say it when Type ordered a lot of raw food. But, it will become another problem if both of them don't talk about it. Bad situation, bad friend. Say it that he is your, Type, or silence and talk later with your present doing (coughing).

A mature and a childish. This will happen. Now Tharn take control, he is upset not to Type but P'San, to much spoiler. Yes, he didn't spit it because his boyfriend fed him and now he is a mature one he can eat raw as he likes at least he doesn't have an allergic. If he has an allergic and never tell Type, this will be problematic. So, just forget the past and go on. Hahhhh, this P'San, he never gives up. I think he still hoping for Tharn to be his again. That's why he always come every year to get more chances. That's what will happen Type, if you never tell other who Tharn is, people will keep coming to bother both of you except you are mature enough to not think about it and live what you both should live.

I'm speechless.... Type, you are more complicated than a girl who say "whatever" when she is asked what she want to eat and go for a war later because she doesn't give any clue. Jebb, why my heart hurt, this is not my problem, this is yours. You are tiring even Tharn said that too to his brother. Yes, you never listen, everything he said those are what he likes and what he hates, you are the one who never learn, you are the one who never understand, never ask, never curious about something might he likes or hate the most. What you think is only those c*ndoms. You even don't know that he likes chocolate. Stubborn, childish, stupid, heartless, what else guys? It is hurting me to see Tharn crying again. He always be honest, he knew you really like that restaurant, he ate and didn't spit. Appreciate it bro. Now he said, P'San is more understand him, Think bro think, don't be so emotional, you look like a girl on their period. LOL. He even said he hate "break up" the most. He already tired, give him more happiness. Don't make him like me, I already tired to find one, I even think to live my life alone. So don't ever make him to freeze his heart. A frozen heart will be very hard to melt. Meung maeng.... Assh*le.

Arghhh I hate this rollercoaster. Yes Type yess I forgive you such adorable human being. But Tharn seems thinking about your words na. So, be careful. His heart is weak, he might be through a hardest path before that you would never think. "You won't never suffer as much as I do anyway" Tharn. Jebb mak Ai Tharn. You stabbing my heart, we are the same don't say that.

So that is the real story about P'San and Tharn. Why it reminds me something. Team up with Type, yes, I hate him too. Thorn was took care of Thanya to hospital and he banged Tharn, he has a thick face seriously even Thorn was hit him that much. Of course he was that cute when he was 14 but it wasn't the right way to bang an under age. Poor Tharn, he was innocent that is why he gave P'San in. We talk about the comfort not the rational. Suddenly blow my emotion, it seriously reminds me something that I don't want to recall. F*ck. I can see something in Thorn's eyes, he knew that his friend is good but also dangerous. Thorn knew his goodness and badness, yet Tharn knew only his goodness. Ironic. Why we are so connected Ai Tharn. (take a deep breath). Marked, P'San.

"If a woman ask you to sleep with her, don't you want to do it too?" Tharn. Bro, mind your age! May be I'm an old fashioned but I'm agree with the statement that we can't do these kind of stuff under 17. I mean take a look on the safest age. If something happen, you will lose your teenage time while you can play and hangout with friends as much as you like before you are busy with those time consuming work. Well if you are gay yes that pregnant will never happen yet it concerns to moral lessons. Others may think were born to be a gay or trapped in a wrong gender. In my situation it is not about you were born to be a gay but it is because you were experienced with a guy in that young age. The age where you were build your pesonality who you want to become. And may be Tharn did the same thing to Tar like P'San did to him. Experience lead him to be like P'San but thanks God that he is mature enough to differentiate what is good and what is bad. The comfort lead him to a guy, first thing that will stuck forever in mind, that's why he couldn't do it with a girl. The feeling and the comfort for man and woman are different. Some people easily to change it but for people like Tharn, me and Type, we already had the experience since the younger age, and we can't change it easily. It already stucked in the heart and mind. More complicated if you bring a word 'sin' to here for people who have religion like me, man, frustrating. I had what Tharn had, I did what P'San did and it has been lead me to live a life full of guilty. But, gratefully they did with girl. I don't want them to be influenced by me about this thing. That's why I whised for a frozen heart, I don't want others to be influenced, until he came melt the ice only by his attitude and went away after he knew me. Then it freezing again. But thanks to him that I can felt the warm again even though it was short and wasn't influenced. That's why I love to see Tharn and Type or every couple in a drama having good relationship, let them be happy even it is a forbidden love. They have a right to be happy.

I do really love the way of Type for making up. I can't resist. He is so, cute. Sugar rush.... Yes Type, P'San is great to be hated. Why don't you tell him that Tharn is yours? See, Tharn also ask the same question. But you're not ready yet. Fine... Slowly, I understand, he also understand. "Don't forget what you have said" Type. He will never forget, Type, as long as you can have a good talk if both of you facing another problem.

MY GOD SUCH A TRIAL SENIOR. I'm done with P'San. Bad ending, next episode will full of tension again. This drama is complicated and tiring, even it just about a story of two persons.

See you soon pal.... I hope you like reading my review. I'm sorry if I sometimes put my personal matter in it. Hopefully it may help you to understand the situation or people like us. Or may be one of you have the same problem. Don't hesitate to tell me. We are at the same wheel. Cheer up...

[forkanna]

[AO3 LINK] [EF LINK]

NOTES: Sorry for that delay! Holidays got a bit crazy, and I've been sorting out my life since then. Will try to get this posted a bit more regularly from now on!

Also, the theme song for this chapter is "Feeling Of Falling" by Cheat Codes and Kim Petras.

                                             CHAPTER ELEVEN

The corners of my mouth lifted up the tiniest bit. "So… this counts as a date?"

"UGH!" Miss Kawakami got up from the table and crossed to lean against the kitchen bar. Seeing her framed there, between the mini water cooler and the espresso machine, her dress revealing just enough of her back to make my fingertips tingle and my mouth run dry…

'No, Makoto,' I thought to myself. 'Focus. Don't let your weird new gay feelings distract you from helping her.'

"Look. It doesn't have to be a date. This was just the kind of dinner you deserve from a date. Not specifically from me. Not me being your date, I mean, um… if that makes sense."

"Well, why not? I'm already a maid for two of my students. Gave you a bath and let you massage me, put on this dress for you. Why shouldn't I just say 'fuck it all' and throw myself into your arms? Huh?"

There was anger and frustration bleeding through now, and it made me duck my head in fear. "I'm sorry. Y-you can leave, I won't tell anybody you left early. I d-don't want to keep you here if you-"

"No, that's exactly what you want. Right?" Finally, she turned, and she was shaking with anger. "I told you already that this can't happen, and here it is. Happening. What gives you the right to just ignore my wishes? Like I'm not the grown up here!"

"O-oh," I breathed softly, shutting down. Like a puppet with its strings cut. "You're right. I apologise."

"Makoto, what…?" Then she sighed in exasperation, throwing up both hands. "See? You act like a little kid getting yelled at! Why aren't you yelling right back at me? This is not how it would work if we were equals in this relationship! What the hell am I saying? We're not even in one! Oh my GOD…"

"Hey, it's alright," I said, finally rising from the table as I kept my voice low. "Listen. I'm… I'll go to my bedroom for a few minutes. Please enjoy your meal, and… if you're gone when I come back out, I'll underst- understand."

My voice had broken on the last word but I tried to recover quickly as I strode away from the table, the room spinning. Sadayo didn't do anything, but she did watch me go, trembling as she stood there trying to weather the blunt force of a million different emotions buffeting her all at once.

Something I could relate to.

I had only been laying on my bed for a minute or two, tears rolling down into the pillow silently as I stared at the wall, when I heard a soft knock at the door. "Come in," I said as I hastily blotted at my eyes with the tissue in my hands.

"Hey," she breathed. My lights were off, so all I could see was the halo of her slightly messy hair from the backlighting. "I, um… I seem to have lost my appetite."

"That's fine. I'll clean it up later, and… Sae and I can have the leftovers. She'll just wonder why I made duck. I'll get your money in a m-"

"I'm not leaving yet," she reassured me. "Can I sit?" I nodded, so she sat on the very edge of my bed, not quite far enough back so that we were touching. "So… now it's my turn to apologise."

"For what? You didn't do anything wrong."

"No, I did. I really overreacted out there, I… don't know why I did that. Well, I do, but it doesn't make it okay."

Eyes still blurry, I glanced up at her face that I could see a tiny bit better now. She looked pale, and scared, but not nearly as two-steps-from-crazy as she did before. Her eyes closed for a moment as she contemplated the situation, chose her next words carefully.

"You aren't… the only one."

"Hm?"

"You aren't the only one who feels this… pull toward each other." Another breath to steel herself. "I couldn't tell you when it started, or why, or how I could actually feel anything this strong for a girl in my class. But it's real and it's there."

Now I sat up a little more on my elbows. "What are you saying? Do you-"

"Wait," she bade me with a hand raised. "The thing is, that doesn't change the situation. You're a kid! And my student - and my boss when you request me through the agency. It's so messy… and I'm straight, so even if we did anything with these crazy feelings, it's probably not going to work out in a 'happily ever after' way. When I sit there and picture my ideal future, it's married to a husband who's providing for me, whose big, strong arms can comfort me when I'm sad or stressed out." Then she snorted. "Not that I'm gonna meet one at the rate I'm going, as my mom would say."

"Oh."

Her lips pulled into a little sad smile. "But I will admit you got to me way more than I thought. Just something really special about you, Niijima-san."

"And there's something special about you, too, Kawakami-san." At the term of address, she did raise an eyebrow and laugh a tiny bit, but let me continue instead of interrupting. "I've done a lot of thinking, about… what you said. Your bath and all that."

"Don't remind me," she sighed. "And how much thinking could you have done in five minutes?"

"No, not just now. The whole week." I sat up a little more as I continued, "You're my first in a lot of ways. But honestly? I don't think it matters that much. Because I know how I feel about you even without those things. Maybe I already did, because…"

When I didn't continue right away, she prompted, "Because?"

"You were the teacher I looked forward to seeing the most every day," I confided. "Probably because you were attractive to me, even though I didn't understand that until the hotel room. But it must have already been there, because… you flirting with me shocked me, but not enough. I should have been a lot more scared - I should have wanted to run screaming from the room. Instead, it almost felt… natural. And that scared me the most."

Miss Kawakami frowned. "But that flirting was just part of the job. You know that, right? I didn't… I thought you were a young man who paid to have me flirt with him. That isn't disgusting to you?"

"Like you said, it's your job. I think it would be pretty stupid and narrow-minded of me to judge you for that. Really, the way you're working so hard to pay that student back only makes me admire you more."

"Oh," she breathed, staring down at where her hands lay in her lap. As she watched, one of mine came to rest atop them, and she looked over to see my face was a lot closer. "M-Makoto, wait…"

"For what?" I whispered - and I could barely believe I was doing any of this. But it was too late to turn back; that ship had sailed. "I think you need to know right now how serious I am. Sadayo…"

Her eyes closed. "Shit. You say my name like that, and I can't…"

"Can't what? Sadayo?" That time, I was teasing a little.

"Can't resist you. Can't fight back against this huge mistake."

The last word gave me pause. Enough so that I changed my tactic; my lips pushed into her cheek instead of her mouth. But it was still a kiss. I had never kissed anyone before, and now I had, and it was my Japanese teacher. Life really is crazy. For that moment, however, we were just two women who didn't know how to handle their feelings, and it was more powerful than I ever dreamed.

"Oooooh, okay," she let out in a shaky sigh a few seconds later, when I had drawn back to rest my chin on her soft, warm shoulder. "Wow. That was nicer than a little peck on the cheek has any right to be. God…"

"Yeah?" I breathed cautiously. "I figured I should start small. Not push too much."

"So you're all in now, huh?" she asked with a bitter chuckle, despite the warmth in her eyes as she gazed down at the floor. "Totally gay, and totally gay for your teacher?"

I shrugged as I pet along her back, and she melted. It was almost comical except it was too inflaming to be laughed at. "Guess so. I'm as confused as you, but it just seems silly to pretend I'm not interested."

"Makoto… your moves are like… A+ level moves. How are you only eighteen? How are you a girl?!"

"Do you want me to put the mustache back on?" I laughed.

"No!" We both chuckled for a moment, even though halfway through she shivered and arched her back. "Oh my GOD, you are barely doing anything and I'm ready to go."

"Ready to go?"

Fearful eyes turned on me. "Wait - forget I said that. Shit, why did I say that?!"

"Do you mean…" My eyes widened, and I felt heat explode within my cheeks. "Oh."

"I said forget I said it, so stop thinking about it! Wow, I really am a mess - I need to see a therapist or something!"

My teacher was turned on. Was this really happening? Despite the fact that, as she said, I was barely doing anything to her, apparently it was getting her aroused and ready for me to explore further. Only question was…

Was I as ready to explore as she was to be explored?

"It's okay," I reassured her, petting a little more firmly and hoping it would help. "I, um, I don't remember you saying anything. Just that I have some good moves. Did you say something after that?"

Her embarrassed laugh spoke volumes. "Nice try, kid. Ugh, I'm such a loser."

"Why? Because having someone focused on you feels good? Because this…" I pet a single finger down the middle of her back - not even sure how I knew to do that, running purely on instinct - and she shook and shivered. "…feels good?"

"Stop, please…"

"Really?" My hand came to rest in the middle of her back, staying totally still. "I will if you want me to."

"Yes. I do." So I took the hand away. Her eyes were sad, but what she said was, "Thank you."

Swallowing hard, trying to ignore the pinprick of fear in my stomach, I whispered, "Of course. I'm sorry, I just… I thought I could make you feel nice, and you might feel less… mad at yourself? Scared?"

"You did, in a way. But you also made it way worse." She turned to gaze at me. "Because it worked. You got me all revved up by barely doing anything - and I only felt that with the best of the dates I've been on. Even then, most of the guys had to work harder to get me there."

"Except… you don't want it from me. I'm a student, and a girl." She nodded, and I sighed. "I understand."

"Well, I don't," she blustered, folding her arms over her chest. My hand was resting on her thighs now, but I tried to keep it still so as not to draw attention to that. "This is nuts! I feel like I'm being pranked, except it's way too real to be a prank, so…"

"How do you think I feel? You're my teacher, and so beautiful. And a woman - which I think I'm somehow more comfortable with that than you are. But it doesn't mean I'm not panicking."

"You're panicking?" she asked, and I could tell she was almost grateful to think about me instead of her own feelings. "But you seem so cool with it all. Like, other than when I scream at you like an idiot."

My lips split in a smile. "Not an idiot. You just weren't expecting any of this. We're both trying to figure it out." I pet her thigh a little now, and she shivered. "Is this alright?"

"N-no." I stopped. "God… I can't believe how different it is with girls."

"Hm?"

"I ask you to stop, and you actually do it. No 'Aww, c'mon' first, no telling me I'm some big tease if I get less comfortable."

"Oh," I chuckled softly. "Do you want me to do that instead? I probably could learn."

"GOD NO!" Then we both laughed. "It's one of the only clear advantages. But, um… anyway, yeah. How do you keep from blowing your stack while I'm over here, sweating enough to fill a bucket?"

"You are not sweating," I snorted as I thought the question over. Finally, I sat up completely, my legs out and to the side behind her as my face rested against her shoulder. She didn't seem to mind me there, even if my touches were too much for her to handle at the present.

"Miss Kawakami, I wish I knew what to tell you. But I've always been like this under pressure. I'm still freaking out and trying to figure out what to do, but it's like… there isn't any point in letting the panic turn me into a mess, so I just… don't. And I can't explain to you why I'm like that, either."

"Lucky," she pouted.

"I feel lucky. You're not yelling at me for all this, and… I do keep worrying about what you said."

"Which thing I said?"

"That I'll go too far and you won't tell me to stop, and I'll hurt you. That's why I keep taking such… small chances." I kissed her shoulder again, and she sighed. "Like that one."

Humming her pleasure at the next kiss, she finally whispered, "They're small but they aren't small. My brain is telling me 'no', but my body…"

After the next kiss, when she still hadn't finished her thought, I whispered, "Tell me."

"My body wants this. Needs it - and that's all I'm going to say, because it's already really terrible that I told that to any student. I deserve everything that's happened to me in the past few years. Scummy old woman."

"Hey." I reached up and gently moved her chin so she was facing me, and her eyes grew wide and fearful. "Don't talk about yourself like that. It's not fair. Those two are wrong."

"How are they wrong? I got a student killed, and now I'm feeling way too much for another. I'm a monster, Makoto-chan."

Smiling, I leaned a little closer. "Don't you mean 'Niijima-san'?"

"Right. That thing."

"You aren't a monster. And you aren't scummy. You're a beautiful, smart-"

"I can't take any more compliments," she laughed shakily as my face got closer. "I can't take any more of this, no matter how much I…"

"What? No matter how much… you want it?" I guessed.

All she could do was nod before our lips made contact.

Kissing Sadayo was both everything I had ever dreamed it could be, and nothing like I expected. Which didn't seem to fit together very neatly, since those feelings were such different shapes. It was warmth, and softness, and openness… passion and comfort mixing like fire and water. And now that I had tried it…

I could no longer imagine kissing a man. That easily. As much as I still couldn't believe I was with a woman, it felt so right that I didn't want to question it anymore; didn't think it was necessary. Her mouth was sweet and warm and open to me, and as our lips kneaded each other, I craved more, I leaned up harder against her, my arm wrapping around her back to keep her close.

"Shit," she breathed when we finally broke apart. Only then did I realise her hand had come to rest on my upper arm, another around my waist.

"Huh? I mean… hey."

"Hey." Swallowing hard, eyes swimming with the threat of tears, she went on, "I'm… just… it's not fair."

"What isn't fair?"

"That a little girl just gave me the best kiss of my life."

Blushing though I was, I managed to protest, "I'm not a little girl. I'm a grown woman; I just so happen to be in school, that's all."

"You'll be 'grown' when you can order that wine at a restaurant," she muttered, and I couldn't help smiling. "This is still a really… terrible idea, but…"

"It's good, though?" I insisted on knowing. "You're not just flattering me? I've never kissed anyone before."

"Stop reminding me how young you are," she whined. But when she saw me biting my lip, she closed her eyes and whispered, "The best. You just barely beat out Katsuya from my high school; he was really good, too. Like, legendary."

"Wow, high school must have been a really long time ago. How do you even remember?" When her eyes flew open, I dipped my head. "Teasing. O-or trying to. You really shouldn't shame yourself so much for this happening; it was… fate."

Her hand began to caress up and down my arm, and I felt the goosebumps dimpling and shifting under the light touch. "You believe in that stuff? Like fate? Oh - right, you still owe me a reading."

"Reading?" Her heeled foot raised up and waggled just in the corner of my vision, and I smiled bashfully. "Oh yeah… I don't know why I thought that would work."

"Honestly, I wasn't sure why you were asking about my shoe size until I saw the heels in the bathroom. So it did work; it just was very suspicious. Like, what is solestry, anyway?!"

"It's a real practice!" When she squinted at me, I shrugged and admitted, "So maybe it's not very widespread…"

"If you wanna play with my feet again, just ask. You don't have to make up fortune-telling excuses; I don't even believe in tarot cards or any of that."

Sure I was beet red by now, I whispered, "Wh-why are you so sure I'm some pervert? I just liked giving you a massage!"

"You did kiss them," she laughed. "And I'm teasing. But you keep getting all flustered, so if you want me to stop my teasing and let you play with them… just say the word and I will. I mean it."

"But you freaked out when we kissed. Why would that be any different? Because they're only feet?"

"In a word… yeah?" We both laughed. "Okay, okay, so you're not into it. I just… I don't know, I'm trying to think outside the box. Things that won't be as dangerous as that kiss was a few seconds ago. Do you want to take another bath?"

"Only if we're both naked."

The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them. Sadayo was still gulping and gaping at me when I hastily averted my gaze to stare at the wall, my fingers flexing where they rested against her shoulderblade. Seconds ticked by in silence as we tried to figure out how to recover from that line.

"So…"

"Maybe we should go back to eating," Sadayo whispered.

"I thought you lost your appetite."

"I did. But um… that kiss kind of… woke it back up. So either I satisfy it that way, or…"

My eyes lifted to meet hers, and I was aware of how close our mouths still were. "Or we could do it in a fun way?"

"No. We really shouldn't do that. I want to, I… guess there's no point pretending I don't, but it's still a bad idea."

"I'm sorry I said such a stupid thing," I suddenly blurted. "I thought it would be funny, or flirty, but instead it sounded… kind of… scary."

"Yeah," she agreed with a hard swallow as she pulled me tighter against her side. "But I know you weren't doing that on purpose; I'm… this is why you don't date somebody nine years younger than you, right? They don't have the same experiences you do. I've been around the block a few times; you just got to the neighbourhood."

"Then show me. You're already my teacher at Shujin; teach me this, too. How to do it right instead of… of messing up and making you feel bad."

"This is not what 'sex education' is supposed to mean, you know," she chuckled. I smiled a little along with her.

"Let's finish dinner. I feel like you don't want to try more because you're worried about too many things, so maybe it's smarter if… we don't keep sitting on my bed."

A long whine issued from her mouth. "I kissed a teenager. On her goddamn bed, I must be out of my mind!"

"Yeah, but… think of it this way." I couldn't help smiling up at her as I whispered playfully, "You're hot enough to get a teenager to kiss you. On her goddamn bed. Has to count for something."

That did at least earn a giddy laugh from her as she facepalmed. "Sure. It means I'm a real vixen for a predator, right?"

"Hey, don't call yourself that," I scolded her, eyes darkening a little. I saw her blink in surprise at how insistent I was. "Not ever again. I'm the one who's been chasing you, not the other way around; that makes you an herbivore, I think."

"Well… I… sure, yeah," she admitted with a weary nod. "You're right, let's go eat. That duck was really good and I feel terrible that we kind of flirted our way out of finishing it."

"You really like my cooking?" I asked as we stood up, arms still loosely around each other. Now I was a lot shorter than her again - only because she was still wearing the heels. Which was at my insistence, so I had no one to blame but myself.

"Makoto, it was amazing. Where did you get that recipe?! Not that I can cook anything besides curry and instant ramen, anyway… what a failure of an adult I am."

"I think you're perfect," I breathed as we left the room. That only made her groan.

                                                    To Be Continued…