#i did unpaid work for like 3 yrs before covid where all i did was make a living stipend

[butchvamp]

every job i actually want either requires 3 degrees and 5 billion years of experience or is unpaid volunteer work this shit fucking sucks. trapped in hell oscillating between retail and food service until i kill myself i guess

[stillwooozy]

im so happy be back in my apt it makes me feel guilty cuz i like being there for my siblings but

even post heart attack and covid and almost-death my mom is MEAN to me. everything i fcking do is wrong, and if ONLY i listened to her.

im a fucking train wreck, but im trying, and im functional. Idk i’ve learned to be proud of myself

I left at like 5am to “beat traffic” but rly i just needed to leave

My 12 yr old brother said he “didnt really love AoT & isnt invested in s4” but he’s giving Death Note a try so you know what. stfu.

A few hrs after i got back my sister called crying about my mom just being difficult to her. And i have problems w/ my sister but also.... come on. mom jfc. pretend to have an emotional iq for a second. My sister has always had a good relationship w/ my mom up until now. But i guess menopausal moms and their 19 yr old daughters dont get a long.

I have good moments w/ my mom. when she came home we were both got high on trams and weed & my sister was sober but hanging w/ us. My brothers were entertaining themselves and my dad was gone (dad and mom cannot be in the same vicinity of eachother, they legally married, but jfc they even live apart. it is hell when they are together) and it was so fun. i was making jokes (that i kinda regret because it was tmi) about the men i’ve hooked up w/ in the apt next door, and telling her about the “straight dads” down her residential block that are “discrete” on grindr. She thought it was hilarious. My sister allowed me to swipe for her on tindr & talk to guys and let me say - straight men really do suck. there was like 1 that was attractive & seemed to have a good personality & didnt want sex asap. & i think my sister is very pretty so she matched w/ a good amount of people. ANYWAYS straight guys either have 0 idea how to converse and/or just want to fuck right away. I mean those are grindr-gays, but tindr-gays arent looking for that - and if they are it obvious so u just swipe left if not interested in a hookup. I guess there isnt a straight-grindr but there should be. Anyways my mom was telling me stories about shrooming in college and when she hiked the TMB & hitchhiked around europe for 2 yrs, met my dad but forgot about him, and then met him in the US 2 yrs later. It was interesting, and she wasnt judging me & we were actually laughing. Ik its the drugs and that is sad. Ik she is “mentally ill” in some manner too, but i can’t control her lack of self awareness, all i can control is myself. And that is hard when i come from a long line of schizos & bpd & even a probably-APD! some diagnosed, some u just loook at and go “yea they are batshit” i mean... i also come from a family is severly traumatized ppl, either losing everything in ww2 and/or the whole israeli conflict. like jfc i do feel bad. fleeing europe to israel cuz no one else will take u, and then fighting for ur safety & really no other choice, and then finally ur offspring move to america and canada. my paternal grandpa is literally the sole survivor in his family of ww2, i mean he remembers nothing, he was the youngest and shipped off to America to live w/ a branch of the family that came a while earlier cuz they were offered business or something idk.

Im rly on too many stims. And yet. I am posting in my ~diary~. i get to work tomorrow and im actually happy cuz i like the research. although im having like.. nothing. u think grads are paid horribly (they are)?? Undergrads have to be groveling at the feet of ppl to get any kind of paid internship. i mean i had experience before cuz i did unpaid research for 2 semesters in another lab. My hours, when im not impromtu fleeing cuz my mom may die, are more than 40+ a week. i mean i have enough to pay rent and thats about it :/ as long as im not in debt im gucci. i stockpile on-sale dog food and im fine living off beans and rice so were good for a while. I have crypto that is a backup but that is either used for drugs and as an “investment”.

like i cant rly get a traditional 9-5 retail job while working in this lab. while also having full-time classes. i was doing lab work 20 ish hrs a week (unpaid ofc), managing my friends band/booking shows/promotating & getting a fair chunk from that, walking a neighbors dog 3 times a week but honestly that took 20 mins of my day & was almost a free $45 dollars a week cuz a just walked her w/ my own dogs, + full time school and.... pre-covid, i was getting into the groove of college & while not making a bunch - i was comfortable for being a 20yr old scumbag? i mean i was working my ass off for my friend but i enjoyed it and was optimistic as hell. i didnt have to cut myself off fully from the song revenue but honestly that was unusual (to my knowledge) for an indie band at all, but i accepted it ofc until covid. my best friend spiraled and 2 of the bandmates lost their jobs and like. their passive income was tiny so why tf should i take from it? shows & selling merch at said shows (for us) made the most. online merch is eh & i wont take a cut until after covid. Plus they are on hiatus and any local “hype” that was beginning to build is long dead cuz they are probably long dead. not high enough to give a shout out to my 2.5 followers cuz my identity will not be exposed hehehehe. i mean if someone rly wanted to u could figure out thru all my info dumping of my personal life on here but eh, pls dont. this is my fancy lil diary where i spew aboslute nonsense & show off how fast i can type when i type before i finish any type of concise thought in my head