#i did in-service for work while my back was hurting (i probably shouldve asked to go home)

[muffinrag]

ooooooh I am so tired and miserable. And I know exactly why but it doesn't help

[fisherfurbearer]

fuck sam walmarts

and fuck management

I’ve had it. Left the store in tears tonight.

as some peoople probably/hopefully know. walmart closes at 6 pm on christmas eve. no one actually gets to leave at 6 becuase of shitty last minute customers. but it is what it is.

this. is really personal but im honestly SO close to just. killing myself? so who cares

basically. had a really really bad last few days. spent a lovely time with family (jessies family, his oma and opa and sister and parents and it was just a great time. theyre more family to me than most of my blood family) but it did make me Sad in Deep ways as we dont know if this is going to be our last christmas with his oma who isnt doing so good. and it just twisted me up a little but was othewrsiwse a great day. but then sunday i just...had a huge breakdown in the morning and decided to use my accomodation (i get 2 excused absenses a month) to cool down and gte myself together. slept a lot. woke up adn got a lot done, felt great, then i CRASHED really really bad, got really angry, lashed otu, took like...8-10 sleeping pills...theyre horrific things and im never doing that again...had to sleep for two days after that...felt horrifically sick, in pain, just awful. had repeating nightmares over and over. which has also been wearing me down recently. wasnt able to work monday either because i still couldnt stand and between the pills and the depression/anxiety and really just. felt like the world was ending.

decided sometime last night id just...try my best to make it in today, work my shift (really long 9-6, knowing i wouldnt leave on time nad htisis my first time working in 5 days now...which is rough...) and if i can get through this, i have another couple days off in a row after that (schedules fault, not mine...do feel awful i missed 3 days before that though...) and we can just. get back on track

today i DID go to work, jessie drove me in

i worked. a long time. im supposed to get a break every 2 hours and a 1 hour lunch

i gott my first break on timeish.

then i got my lunch 6 hours after i got in. at which time i got “locked out” for not taking my lunch and coudlnt do anything on the registers. i was supposed to get it 4 hours in. its christmas eve and excruciating and im still in pain and tired from my previous days breakdowns, but otherwise?? i did really good. i didnt mind at all that my lunch was so late. i was a little miffed, but its ok. i dont care, so long as i get it eventually. anyway they FINALLY noticed i was locked out and got me coverage and i ended my lunch at 4. things continued ok. worked on self checkout, met a lot of regulars i really like, prevented $200 of theft (HAHA WOW that was really really funny i love preventing petty theft. i prevent so much theft every week its my pride and joy) just did okay. then they had us close self checkout that took a little while. then at 5:00-5:10 or so i went to my Manager/Supervisor/”““People LEad” as walmart is now trying to call them, lets call her manager Y, and i told her i still need my break and will i get it before i leave. she said go to register 4. i asked again hey will i get my break though and she said yeah and i thought to mysel HAHA thats not going to happen but ok

really stupid that after bieng locked out the first time she couldnt give me my break before i openned a register with a line i cant get rid of

anywayy i did ok otherwise for a while

but at 5:25 or so i reminded a CSM “hey i need my break still can i get that?” and she just ssaid yeah well try to get someone and then more time passed so much time. i put through an ask on the register “assistance needed”. waited another 10 minutes. “assistance needed” again. starting to get anxious. its past 5:40. the line is so long. theres so MUCH NOISE. Its SO LOUD. the intercom keeps going off, no one is responding to me, i dont have a mat to stand on so my knees HURT,, im not doing okk

i switch my light to flashing/need assistance and start looking for someone to ask for help. its 5:45, i need my break NOW, i DESERVE IT for workng this long ass shift and they already missed several of my last breaks a week ago AND got me locked out today and im STARTING TO GET ANXIOUS PELASE I JUST WANT MY BREAK SO BAD

nnthgen a csm is passing by im about to lose it, so i tell her CSM J, please i really need my break now PLEASE and im starting to ccry and i try to tell her whats going on but she shushes me and goes and gets sometone

im full on tears at this point, im so strreesed out,,

manager Y and some other snooty manager come over andd. ffkcing. ask me whats wrong. im crying and i try to explain im really really stressed out, i havent had my last break, ive been trying to get someone for so long now, i just really need to leave im so sorry

and theyy just. fckkng

ffcking manager Y jjst ssays ok “ill give you your break” and “this is your last break” and i ssaid?? yeah i knoww?? andd she saidd “next time youre like this, just dont come in”

i quote that completeltyyy....i really lost it then...i cried som muchh

this isnt the first itme she said something like this to meee...

she asked me “why are you CRYING” When i had an anxiety attacki n the store once, when ic cloked in and couldnt get myself together,, she didnt give me time to calm down, she didnt listen as to why, she just said “why are you crying. this is a BUSINESS. you cant be CRYING Here.” and i just said ok ill go home bye and leftt

andd when i tried to get my availability changed from 7-9 to 7-6/7-7 because the random late shifts with 7 am shifts was messing me up really really bad and my doctor thinks i need to hcange it too, she just said “i cant do that. thisi sa BUSINESS.” and she wouldnt listen when i said i might have to quit because of this, this is for my health, im literally scheduled 7-2 every sunday in december, busiest day of the busiest month and you cant even chop TWO HOURS off my weekend availability????

andd i jjst

ive HAD IT with her

ive had ittt

im so ashamed and angry and anxious and i still havent stopped cryingg. she called me over to her again as i was leaving and she blamed me for it. she ssaid a customer was upset that i “Screamed” (ues i raised my voice a little but i wasnt screaming??? also the two customers i was attending to when this was going on and i cried were VERY KIND nad jjst said i was doing a good job and thanked me for being there) and called a manager over (but...csm J got them?? not a customer...??) and i cant be acitng like this, i cant do customer service when im stressed,, and d i should just STAY HOME If im going to be like that

then shee fufkcing toold me i DID IT WRONG, that i “shouldve called someone over” I TOLD HER I DID!!!!! I DID!!!!!!!!!! YOU NAIL INTO MY HEAD IM NOT ALLOWED TO LEAVE THE REGISTER SO I DIDNT, I DID EVERYTHING ELSE I COULD THOUGH!!! I REQUESTED HELP TWICE!! I TURNED MY LIGHT TO FLASHING!!! I TRIED TO CATCH A MANAGER WALKING BY TO HELP ME!!! N OONE LISTENED UNTIL IT WAS TOO LATE, I DID EVERYHTING I COULD!! yet she seriously told me to my face that “you didnt call anyone”, “you couldve turned your light to flashing” WHICH I DID and sshee jjst said that i made customers uncomfortable and i cant work like thatt and just stay hhome

ii stayed home sunday because i was having a mjor mental emergencyy.

i came in today because i was feeling better and i took it eaasy and ended up doing a wonderful job and mad eso many people smilea nd fixed so many problems that wouldve otherwise upset a lot of folks and i met my regulars and made old folks smile andd i prevented a lot of theft that no one else wouldve caughtt and i jjstt broke down after 9 hours and not getting a last break and all the chaos of register (WHICH BY THE WAY THEY KNOW I DONT LIKE REGISTER!!! I THRIVE ON SLE FCHECOUT!!! THATS MY JOB TITLE!! THATS WHAT I DO!!!! THEY KNOW THISS!!!!) and HER AVOIDING GIVING ME MY FUCKING BREAK and NOT RESPECTING MY FFUCKING METNAL DISABILITIES LJNASDKAJHDBASJSDNAJSNDKANSD

I JJST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DOO

i really want to die and i really want to never go back but i really loved my job i loved helpting people ii jjst hate her so muchhh and i feel GENUINE DREAD/SEVERE ANXIETY jjst SEEING her nnow

she doesnt CARE about anyone but herself shes a horrible peson i cant tell the store manager though cause she wont care either and manager Y has more clout than me so shell just twist my words and make me out as the bad guy as hte “CRAZY ONE” who cries and gets stressed (FOR COMPLETELY VALID REASONS AFTER BEING PUSHED OVER THE EDGE) even tthough i work SO FFRIKCING HARD and do SUCH A GOOD JOB and asdjanjsdhajshdas

i d ont know what to doo

i cant work another job because no where else pays as much or will let me do self checkout only, because being a cashier stresses me so muchh

ii...really wanntted to grow stuff and make preserves and sell bee products and work with folks raising heritage sheep and make more fiber art andd open a little stall at a local market and sell all that,, and offer more online and do customs andd stuff

i know i could mkae money that wa ybut i ccantt start it so sudenly and im too Broken to do it seriouslyy and i dont even want to HAVE to quit because of ONE PERSON But shes done this so many times now and this is the nfinfal streaww

i jjst dont know what to doo...

i cantt stop cryingg

i cant even enjoy christmas nnow. wanted to see my stepdad and give him his presernt and maybe be ok.

last christmas we had to move because our house was condemned after a fire. now im going to have to lose my job because of a horrible manager who doenst respect my metnal health or anything about me reallyy. and unfortunately im such a failure that i cant. do anything else and if i lose this job ill lse my animla sand i wotnt be able to do anyhtingg andd im jjust fucking trash

goddammit i dont know what to do. i really dont. hhahaaa. i just really want to end it. ive come so far and none of it fucking matters because of thiss fucking horrible manager.

[grubhivemind]

-- devicefulFlightrisk [DF] began pestering decastichAmazifier [DA] -- 

DF: Hi. 

DF: Are you still on Avalon? 

DF: I was just wondering... 

DF: If anything else was happening? There? Or... 

DF: I dont know.

DA: yeah i'm still here, not pullin out yet 

DA: nothin is goin on form what i can see but i got my eyes in as many places as i can 

DA: check your local Kavi for street stories 

DA: i got this shit my man if anything happens you want updates 

DA: also i know you've been asked  how you are a million times so i'm not gonna do that but i do definitely give a shit how you are

DF: Oh, its okay... I dont really mind people asking. 

DF: Im just not sure what to say... 

DF: Theres... 

DF: A lot going through my head I guess.

DA: wanna talk through it?

DF: ... 

DF: I think I do. 

DF: It hurts too much to carry it around. 

DF: But I dont know... Its scary to even think about. 

DF: For... a lot of reasons.

DA: no judgement man 

DA: just let her rip 

DA: have at me, ramble all you gotta

DF: :( 

DF: I just... wish I wasnt thinking about it the way that I am. 

DF: I want to be angry... I want to pretend I never had anything to do with any of that. Like... 

DF: Like its unforgivable. 

DF: Because it is. 

DF: But I dont feel that way. 

DF: I can only think of what Id do if 

DF: 

DF: Theyre his family... I cant even imagine how Id react to 

DF: Its stupid. Im stupid for thinking that way!!! 

DF: I shouldve just listened to Joel!!!!!!!!

DA: woof, never thought i'd read that statement ever 

DA: obviously he'd never know about this but now he'll especially never know, we can't let his ego have this 

DA: but anyway 

DA: it's not dumb to rationalize 

DA: for many reasons, i think 

DA: for one you were into him and for two that's... yeah? makes sense? 

DA: we all kinda Rush The Fuck In™ when it comes to our family and that's like... understandable?

DF: But it doesnt matter... 

DF: Nobody else sees it that way. Even if people do, its not... 

DF: I dont know. It just doesnt matter. 

DF: I wish I was never a part of any of this. 

DF: It hurts so much... 

DF: I dont know why I ever thought things could work out.

DA: well 

DA: i'll tell you somethin jujubee 

DA: if you think somethin is worth it then they can work out... it's just give and take and i dunno man 

DA: it's a complicated situation 

DA: i'm not really a big fan of violence either if it can be avoided but not all people are like that and some shit is plain inexcusable 

DA: and mayve sometimes you try and things just still don't work out it's about how much you're willin to give up 

DA: i tried to give Sapire a second chance and that didn't work so now he's like.... gone forever i guess? which it sucks and all that but like, you have to focus on you at the end of the day 

DA: don't compromise your feelings or morals for anyone man, it might keep someone in your life but it'd just make you miserable in the long-run 

DA: and you deserve more than that :(

DF: Its so confusing... 

DF: Like... if circumstances were different... It would have been perfect. You know? DF: Im afraid that Ill forgive anything just to have that feeling back. It just... aches!!! Ive never felt so awful... 

DF: But... Its scarier thinking of how alienated Id feel from everyone else. 

DF: If I forgave it, I dont think anyone would forgive me.

DA: that's somethin you're gonna need time to think about 

DA: and i mean just because you forgive someone doesn't mean they're out of the shit 

DA: to be honest i can't really think of anything that would be a suitable punishment or penalty or whatever but i mean it doesn't have to be black or white 

DA:  also things are stupid hectic right now so taking time to think or even worrying about it later is probably best for you in this situation 

DA: shit's tense

DF: I guess youre right... 

DF: Im worried whats going to happen on Avalon too... Without Kougah there to take care of things. 

DF: I wish the people had just listened... We couldve done something. 

DF: I know... some things??? But I dont know if I can really help on my own. It feels... hopeless to try.

DA: yeah Baldur feels the same, he was actually asking me if i did any shit with music and that it might help? 

DA: to be honest i'm not keen on anyone dipping toe out the castle 

DA: also i've already got the place on lockdown so like 

DA: nah? 

DA: i get he wants to help but he's not about to solo this shit out

DF: ... Well, um... 

DF: Maybe we could work something out... 

DF: Auryhn, Kagome and Karima could come with us? They could watch out for us while we try to ... do our thing or whatever. 

DF: I just... I dont know what might happen and I dont want to stand idly by... :(

DA: mm 

DA: maybe yeah 

DA: you guys can put what you know together and try to do your thing 

DA: but we all are definitely sticking together, it's crazy out there so just.. we'll try to set this shit up and give it a go and see how it goes but if it doesn't work then i'm sorry but i wouldn't vote for another trip back in...

DF: Thats... probably fair. 

DF: I guess Ill try getting ahold of Baldur and see what we can do. 

DF: Ugh... 

DF: I really should be relaxing, shouldnt I? :( 

DF: But I cant help thinking about all this...

DA: lmao to be honest i should be relaxing too probably 

DA: Nellie's been making me chill the fuck out but ... no?? 

DA: there's so much to do and so much to think about and so much to plan for 

DA: it's impossible to waste time and there's too much going on to not be doing shit 

DA: is what it feels like, and probably is 

DA: i think it just needs to get to the point where we're not running ourselves ragged 

DA: do what we can, plan some shit out, then when it's like you gotta scrounge for shit to do then stop

DF: Yeah... That makes sense. 

DF: There isnt much I can do right now... 

DF: What have you been keeping yourself busy with? Exactly?

DA: mostly making sure this castle is impossible to get in if you're not supposed to be in it but also making sure we're not exactly sitting ducks 

DA: right now i'm doing a little minor reprogramming to some of his service bots around here 

DA: also playing host 

DA: makin some food and shit 

DA: gotta keep the guests well fed 

DA: i've also been watching the monitors i can tap into but some are too fuckin far

DF: Ohhh... Wow. You have been busy. 

DF: Id probably be doing the same. Hehe. 

DF: Im glad youre keeping safe... I think of all the places you could be on Avalon, thats already the safest. Um. 

DF: In terms of avoiding certain dangers... The weather probably isnt great up there. But even then... 

DF: Im just relieved.

DA: you know me, ever the busy bee :P 

DA: and yeah it's a chill place to be for now 

DA: tbh i wish Auryhn would drop the fuck in but idk i know he has a job also he's just.... upset really 

DA: he's a big guy but him feelings too big for him damn body

DF: Oh.... Yeah...... 

DF: I can imagine this is all pretty, um... Stressful for him, too.

DA: yeah... 

DA: i'll wear him down eventually i'm confident of it 

DA: but it's all fresh right now, he's still processing i think so yeah. it's just a lot for everyone to absorb

DF: It is..... 

DF: But... Im glad I talked to you about it. I feel a little less overwhelmed now... 

DF: At least my thoughts are sorted out a little better, if nothing else...

DA: glad to help Peapod <3 

DA: i'm glad we could talk, sorry i couldn't make it to the open invite thing but i'll get at you later 

DA: before all this i dug up some manga turned anime about two dudes whose dongs got turned into chicks and the chicks are gay for each other 

DA: if that's not a pride month shitfest of a marathon i don't know what is 

DA: give me the large gays and tiny lesbians 

DA: so yeah. strap the fuck in next time we get together

DF: Thats...... :O 

DF: That sure is the concept of an anime alright! 

DF: Hehe... Im looking forward to it.