#i deeply hate how bad its gotten (but im trying)

[north-wilkesboro-moonshine-cave]

holding bitch sessions with my friends in this program wherein i make itemized lists of complaints about my roommate and then read them aloud like a pettier and lamer martin luther who couldn't even summon the nerve to start a fight with my roommate

[lokorum]

Your art so surreal, did you take inspiration from African masks it’s amazing. You have probably gotten this question before but what’s your process and how do plan these beautiful pieces out. I am a beginner artist and would like some advice on how start doing digital painting.

thank you for bringing me back from the dead with your kindness, (i was so sad today ughhhh i think watching vampire diaries starting to affect me hjkhjk), i really, really deeply thankful that you spend your time to write something so sweet (also sorry it took me literally ages to reply phphp THE USUAL)

yeah, in buryatia shamanism like the big thing, so when i went to search what's out there in the masks department - google's mess of the results for once was helpful and showed this massive collection of beautiful african masks. the one that was inspo for tiisha lived in my head rent free for weeks before the character was even born phphph now i cant even imagine her without it 

(here is little tiisha for you before i'll proceed to be not helpfull phphphph)

oof advices are not my strong side , like..........my process mostly is just sleep through the whole thing i guess..........................i very rarely do sketches, i hate study anatomy and perspective, drawing cubes makes me physically sick etc etc my approach to drawing were "fuck around and find out", always about chill and fun and barely ever about learning. imho thats why im so shitty at drawing simple things but not bad at coloring. so yeah, my biggest advice always and forever will be - be gentle to yourself, please

digital or traditional or whatever else is out there, dont forget you make it for yourself and for yourself only okay? it supposed to be fun, not sad tiring and competitive 

advices for digital specifically tho - very objective, apply with caution

learn all the keyboard shortcuts, ideally to press them without thinking 

explore more instruments than just brush. it will be tedious and sometimes feel like a chore so mb pick one victim once a month and browse youtube for a stuff like SECRET ULTIMATE TIPS ABOUT MAGIC WAND TOOL THAT WILL SAVE YOUR LIFE (they indeed will save your life) 

check if your drawing program has artboards - turning it on will give you more freedom over canvas positioning  and your refs will always be there and not in the separate window 

idk about others but using auto tone, auto contrast and auto color often gives me well needed perspective on what im doing 

in 99% cases be sure that you can reanimate even the most messiest artpiece you ever did. working in digital gives you the chance to mess with shapes, colors and perspective at any time so if you dont want to gave up on something - you absolutely didnt have to

from time to time while you are still learning - go out there in the wilds and search for the new brushes. tweak with them if you want. i have like ~500 and i use 6 max, but those 6 i found by at some point trying to draw with all of the 500

MADE. BACK UPS. and i mean not like save layers just in case before merging them (tho that's too will help) no, i mean click SAVE AS once an hour and create A NEW FILE. PLEASE. i lost so much stuff to sudden power outage. its never pretty and you loosing will to work for days

watch at least one tutorial about the whole rgb srgb and cmyk thing - i did, understood not a thing, but at least im not playing dora the explorer with my colors after the export now 

uh idk think thats it? tried to think about those that id hope i knew when i started so hopefully something will help 

have fun with your drawings!! 

[traegorn]

Do you do tarot/ can give advice? I asked if I was right to want to skip this wedding I have coming up. I got reversed queen of swords.

I'm the maid of honor. My spouse and I have paid for the bride and groom's dress and suit. We're paying for the night before hotel stay. I don't really like this girl, but no one else does either so I was the 4th person she asked to be maid of honor and I said yes just because I like weddings. They've been married for a few years but this is their first ceremony. My spouse wants to drop out and not go at all (he's defacto best man) since he doesn't like either of them and this groom's recently threatened the bride but she's laughed it off as " he's just tired". My spouse is the only one of us who can drive and he will not make time to drop my dress off for alterations. He also won't pick up his own suit/makes sure we're out of spending money so he can't. Neither one of us really wants to support the marriage, I only wanted to go just to go to a wedding since we've never had one either. We've spent over 1k so far not counting the hotel or alterations or accessories or his suit yet. Just 1k on the bride and groom because they can NOT afford any of this. I think everyone deserves a nice wedding so I don't really care but I feel bad that I don't want to go now. It's too stressful trying to wrangle everything that needs done on my own and at this point I don't think there's enough time for alterations anyways. Wedding is in less than a month. I'm intending to play sick but I think I might be a bad person. We're the only people involved that aren't related to them and her family hates the groom as much as we do, they're just loud about it. I'm just so tired of the whole thing, I never thought they'd actually follow through with it. I just thought I'd get to go wedding dress shopping and get some formal wear to attend events in. Im also stressed that the image of the whole wedding thing is going to prevent this girl from leaving this man who demeans her and threatens her in front of their children. Kids didn't even react, its horrible. Anyways. Advice? If not, at least I hope this was entertaining. Thanks

What is... this was wild. From start to finish, absolutely wild.

So I don't do tarot, but I know people. And you have gotten yourself into quite the mess. Honestly, the fact that you've paid for this stuff is deeply nuts for me, especially when you say you don't like these people.

I don't even hang out with people I don't like, let alone pay for their wedding.

So in regards to the wedding, I'd bow out -- you're in pretty deep, but it might be time to rip the bandaid off. I mean, what's the worst thing that could happen -- someone you don't like stops talking with you?

I will say I don't like how your spouse is handling it. If what you're saying is true, he's being a bit passive aggressive about things. If he doesn't want to do something, he shouldn't make excuses -- he should just say he's refusing to do it. It'd still be rude, but it would at least be honest.

As for your "friend" -- you can't fix her relationship. They're already married according to you, so it's not like you can tell her to skip the marriage. At best you can tell her you don't like her husband and why... and that's it. You can't make her decisions for her.

So, in short, skip the wedding, tell your spouse to say what he wants instead of dicking around, and stop putting fixing people who don't want to be fixed onto yourself.

[akiitos]

Could you do Akito, Rui, Tsukasa, and Mizuki with an S/O who is hated by most people at school? Like within the first day of school they've gotten the reputation of being annoying, insane, and weird. People are constantly trying to fight them but they just laugh and run away but they calm down immediately when their partner is around they even feel bad about how people dislike them.

a/n: kh my god anon im so sorry for the wait.. i hope this is okay! i have school tmr and its uhm. 1 am. so yeah please enjoy!

akito, rui, tsukasa, and mizuki x gn! reader

" even in my eyes, i'd still like you "

@ akito shinonome

- akito has heard about you when you first arrived at school- he was surprised when he heard rumors about you already

- you reminded him of tsukasa and rui based on the rumors but when he got to know you more, he found out you weren't all so bad.

- then there you have it. you two started dating! akito isn't afraid to step up for you and will do it proudly if its for you

- he isn't experienced with comforting, but he will rub your back and whisper reassuring nothings- reminding you that he doesn't hate you

@ mizuki akiyama

- mizuki knows about this feeling really well. instead of avoiding you, they actually observe you in hopes to find a way to help you

- mizuki does end up talking to you eventually and becomes friends with you. they do ignore the things people say to you

- if you're feeling upset, mizuki will be there to tell those people off on their heads. not to worry! you have them

- don't feel bad though, mizuki doesn't hate you one bit. they cherish you and words couldn't express how much they are truly happy to be with you

@ rui kamishiro

- like mizuki, rui knows this feeling more than he would've ever thought. he doesn't want anyone else to feel the same way he did. so he decides to put a smile on your face whenever he could- even if you didn't know him well

- such as by giving you anonymous gifts like small robots or even anonymous letters

- one day he hesitantly reveals who he is. he then got to know you and is happy with you by his side!

- if you're feeling bad about yourself, rui is there to make sure that doesn't happen. rui loves you deeply and he wants to make sure you know that more than anyone else

@ tsukasa tenma

- tsukasa actually had a hunch that all of these rumors about you were false. i mean, he's seen you before and he knows that someone like you wouldn't be too crazy

- he immidientally walks up to you and befriends you, avoiding the weird stares people give him.

- tsukasa reassures you that he doesn't care if you're weird at all. in fact people call him weird sometimes too.

- if you feel bad about yourself, tsukasa is there bringing in many hugs and lovingly sayings to make you feel better

[lizzyaka]

HAIII ITS ME THE ANON!! im ngl i genuinely gasped when i read your rentry and saw tsh and yttd in the same line like those two are such mismatched interests i never expected to see anyone else like them both 😭😭😭

I GET YOUR ATTACHMENT TO SHIN BRO. Also based on your yttd faves i have a feeling you went thru all the stages of grief with the bio-siblings revelation…… idk just a feeling hehe. NO BUT YTTD MAKING IT SO ONLY ONE SIBLING GETS TO LIVE WAS SO??!???? i never emotionally recovered from that . regarding my yttd fav i’d say its shin but it has been so long since i played the game i barely know his character anymore ;;;;; lowkey i also fw almost all the floor masters. midori/sou was my bunny corcoran back in the day (in the sense that theyre both problematic-ish characters that the fandom hates but i enjoy their character guiltily)

and for my tsh faves oooh boy… as u can see by my username… richard and bunny are so deeply personal to me . theyre not favorites in the “i love them ❤️ my scrunklies” way but in the “I HATE THEM I HATE THEM I HATE THEM” way. like i am fully aware they are horrible people but as characters??? Theyre written so well to the point i cant help but think about them every second daily

beware of the shin tsukimi to richard papen pipeline!!!! this may be reaching and i fear im mischaracterizing shin (you are free to correct me on this. let out the inner shin fan out) but if you squint real hard….. theyre both liars who pretend to be someone theyre not and theyre also both pathetic losers (i say this very affectionately) who are just trying to survive (what is richard even surviving from. he is nawt in a majority vote death game)

i have yapped too much i apologize </3 i appreciate you defending bunny from the allegations actually we need more bunny defenders in the fandom (and less francis fans.. cough) . i dont have any specific questions about yttd bc my memory of that game has gotten foggy sadly but we could always talk about yttd to jog up my memory of it !!!

NAURRR DONT BRING UP 2-2 im gonna be honest w u i have played yttd a total of 7 times (this is so embarrassing i want to crawl into a hole and never come out) and 2-2 has never once failed to devastate i cannot express just how badly it affected me. last time i played was over a year and a half ago im trying to forget as much about it as i can so i can replay the whole thing w fresh eyes when 3-2 comes out but i doubt thats gonna be possible since i fear the only person in the world who knows yttd better than me is nankidai himself. I promise ur jaw would have dropped to the floor if u had met me 1-3 years earlier i cant stress how bad the obsession was, theres a couple of people who follow me here who knew me then who can testify😭 it was actually bonkers i ate slept and breathed yttd

I CANT STAND THE FLOORMASTERS BROO i heavily fw rio ranger and safalin BUT THE REST? BOOOO midori actually makes me sooo fucking violent sorry hes by far my least favorite😭 i can see why u like him trustt i just have a vendetta against him

AND I KNOW WHAT U MEAN ESP W BUNNY bro won me over im not sorry. Yes hes awful yes he would borderline hate crime me but i stand with bunny what can i say

[tojikai]

Okay I finally finished all of your stories!

Permanent mark is officially my favorite:,)

Thoughts;

See at one point, i was like let y/n heal and have them get together afterwards but then i was like “damn he fucked rie for two months 💔😔😟” and idk but something about her’s and suguru’s relationship is so tragic to me, i so badly wanted them together somehowReader should’ve gotten with suguru! I wanted their endgame so badly 😭💕 Everyone feels bad for satoru but nope i mostly feel bad for y/n and suguru, I wish they would’ve gotten together first, I don’t hate y/n either her, I saw some people hating on her and while i disagree on her sleeping with satoru while he has a gf, i can’t find myself to dislike her, and she actually might be my favorite “y/n” of yours.

both sundered and permanent mark satoru’s are so confusing and make me sigh deeply

Questions I have regarding the story surprisingly 😅:

- What was satoru whole thought process during the breakup and cheating

- Did he still love y/n at that point

- What was his reasoning

- Did he think abt y/n while rie/regret or like want her?

- Why did he put her over y/n??

- Basically what’s up with the whole situation

- Did he ever love y/n over her? Why would he break up with y/n over her?

- Did he love or want her more? Regarding rie

- Did y/n not make him happy anymore, what happened?

- Was there problems in their rs?

Note:

Thank you in advance if you answer, i probably already said this but your stories were a delight to read<33

I can’t wait to read the future stories you might have in store for us if you do:3

its nice that some people try to understand pm!yn and her actions. I also think it's understandable that many are frustrated about what she did. most of the characters in pm are driven by strong emotions that they made bad decisions, i could say its the theme of the whole story. they can be very confusing since not everything's mentioned explicitly, which i deliberately did bc i like that readers have to absorb something in order of them to really understand it. im happy you enjoyed pm !! 1. tbh satoru's mind was a mess the whole time, he hated himself for cheating on yn. at one point he felt like the breakup was meant to happen so he could finally be w rie but w rie he felt like something's wrong, almost as if he's still considering yn in everything he does in his new rs. he reached a point where he doesn't know if it's really what he wants or if he's just doing it bc it's already there. hearing abt suguru and yn shook him into clarity lmao

2. he still loves yn even when he was w rie.

3. like reason for going w rie? he thought thats what he wanted. he felt like it would complete something he never got to finish, but being away from yn took a bigger part of him than he thought it would.

4. he's always thinking abt yn even when he was w rie. he thought its just bc he felt guilty for cheating. but it was more than that. while he felt right being w rie, it's just different w yn. nothing feels wrong w yn whilst w rie, there's always a feeling that he's not really into it.

5. bc he thought that it was the right thing to do since he became rie's bf. satory appreciated her a lot when she stood w him even when everyone's judging them. he felt like she risked everything just to be w him and so he wanted to put out something equal.

6. lmao idk how to answer this but yeah ik, it's messy.

7. nobody asked satoru directly but if someone did, he'd be admitting to himself that he loves yn more than rie even when he and the latter were in a rs. he broke up w yn bc 1.) he already cheated, 2.) he thought he wanted to be w rie. 3.) bc he didn't think things through.

8. he loved rie. just not the way he loves yn and not as much.

9. he's the happiest w yn. he didn't realize it immediately when he left bc his and rie's rs was still young and it was still honeymoon phase and cloud9. after that, he had questions and lingering thoughts and feelings that he chose to push aside until he snapped (hearing abt sugu and yn)

10. no, there are no problems in their rs. that's why yn crashed out.

that's all !! thank you so much for the kind words and support ~!! <33

[shitouttabuck]

20 questions for fic writers

tagged by @thewolvesof1998 thank u bud i’m procrastinating packing and this was fun

1. how many works do you have on ao3?

seven!

2. what’s your total ao3 word count?

129,484 which is a fake number to me

3. what fandoms do you write for?

nothing has made me as insane in my life as network television procedural drama 911 on abc, so

4. what are your top 5 fics by kudos?

you can start a family who will always show you love

let the world have its way with you

my hearts over-pumping and your mouth is an ambulance

like a dog with a bird at your door

i like the summer rain (i like the sounds you make)

5. do you respond to comments? why or why not?

i try very hard to because they make me so happy and it’s unbelievably kind of people to take the time to leave them!!! However i sometimes leave it too long and then worry it’s weird to reply after like. a month. which as a fic reader i wouldn’t give a shit about so idk what my problem is!!!! i will reply i will just maybe take a hot sec to do it

6. what is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

i don’t have any i’m a happily ever after or bust kinda guy in my own head if nowhere else…… angstiest is probably the sound of love astounds me if only because it ends post-feelings realisation but still pre-relationship

7. what’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

they’re all so happy omg. i will say with great personal bias it’s my heart’s over-pumping but also i have. a sequel in the works….

8. do you get hate on fics?

no people have been very very very lovely but also sjjsjsjs i’ve not been here super long. the funniest comment i’ve gotten was on my first fic where someone was like i liked this but it is jarringly inaccurate as mcdonald’s in california doesn’t have a veggie burger option 😭 i cried laughing im so sorry to u americans. pls petition your local mcdonald’s to stock the mcplant it slaps

9. do you write smut? if so, what kind?

have written two e-rated fics….. it’s very fun but i don’t think i’m very good so i’d like to practice actually (maybe some sexy prompts after i finish the bed-sharing ones?) just the regular kind for now like i love buck and eddie desperately and am myself into a million things but i don’t know how kinky they would actually get in my own head. so just a little gross with it for now i guess

10. do you write crossovers? what’s the craziest one you’ve written?

nope!

11. have you ever had a fic stolen?

nope

12. have you ever had a fic translated?

no that would be SICK. @alliaskisthepossibilityoflove is podficcing bucket list fic which is so very cool of her!

13. have you ever co-written a fic before?

no omg i don’t know how y’all do it i’m bad at group projects but also this sounds soooooo fun. if also deeply stressful

14. what’s your all time favorite ship?

if that’s synonymous with most likely to get you institutionalised, uh. gestures around us. otherwise mulder/scully and i am just now right as i’m typing this realising i’ve never ever in my life actually read x files fic what the fuck. also steve/bucky but i haven’t read fic since 2017 probably

15. what’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

listen i have not written a word for x files au past that one snip i shared forever ago. i want to soooo bad i’ve talked about it to some of you very rabidly but. it does not want to be written and if it did it would have to be so fucking long which is very daunting to me. not saying i’ve put her in the ground yet but. we might need some necromancing

16. what are your writing strengths?

i think i’m pretty good at writing in character? mostly? sometimes i struggle with buck just because i think we’re very similar and i project a little and then have to go back and fix it lmao but for the most part i think i’m good at that! and i have a lot of fun writing dialogue

17. what are your writing weaknesses?

plot!!!!!! and pacing!!!!!!!!!!! also my inability to write non-linearly omg if i get stuck i just get Stuck i can’t jump ahead

18. thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

oooh i love it and would love to include more than the teeniest bits i have but i’m so conscious about it sounding natural and not stiff to people whose language it actually is (shout out and a million kisses to @eddiebabygirldiaz for fixing the spanish in i love you like a dog!!!!!)

19. first fandom you wrote for?

911 babey!

20. favorite fic you’ve written?

my heart’s over-pumping and your mouth is an ambulance !!! not just because it was the first fic i posted after joining tumblr fandom but. idk it is so so so special to me like it makes me so happy and when i think about it i’m like. hey u wrote that. good for u my dude. and also maybe i just associate it with meeting a bunch of you whjsjssjsj

tagging @callaplums @eddiebabygirldiaz @housewifebuck @rewritetheending @try-set-me-on-fire @onward--upward @anxieteandbiscuits @devirnis @athenagranted if anyone wants to do this i’m nosy soz if you already have !!!!

[csprslvt]

you and i, and her pt. 8

Chapter seven

Summary: Reader and Abby talk. Feeling very conflicted about what side to take so the burn is still slow, Ellie is falling deeper in love with the idea of who reader is. And reader hates herself for it. Lots of thinking ensues.

Warnings:The D slur, homophobia, angst, self hate, manipulative/lying behavior,unhealthy coping skills,mentions of dissociation,sexual jokes implied,love triangle,betrayal,angsty thoughts,written on an iphone bc my laptop died and I can’t find the charger so probably badly written,Ellie is down so bad someone tell her to stand up‼️‼️‼️

You probably shouldn't have told Abby about Ellie, if you were a better friend you might have kept her secret. But at the same time it was so conflicting. Abby’s sweet words had made you fold immediately.

“So wait, you've been hanging around someone plotting to kill me?”

“Abby I came with her to find you first, to tell you.”

“So what exactly am I supposed to do with that information? Not go home and let everyone back at the WLF base die?”

“I don't know but I don't want you there it's not safe”

Abby scoffed

“I can take her.”

“I don't want you to hurt her either.”

A myriad of emotions crossed Abby's face.

“So you're on her side too? Youre with someone who is trying to kill me?”

“No Abby I'm not.”

“Then why are you protecting her?”

“Are you- are you fucking jealous?”

“Why are you protecting her?”

“Fuck Abby you have no right to accuse me of anything right now, nor have the right to be possessive over me considering you were just having sex with Owen, and would’ve continued doing so had I not showed up.”

“Its the principal of what your doing that is fucking with my head right now y/n.”

“Fucking with your head? You know what actually blows my mind, the fact that you were so willing to jump into bed with someone without even looking for me. The fact that I'm supposed to be the love of your life and you didn't look for me. That is so fucked up. So yea I am fucking protecting her because she is my friend and shes been good to me and Im a goddamn human who doesnt want either of you to be in pain.”

Abby watched you intently, soaking in your words.

“I said I was sorry about Owen.”

“Yes you did, but have I even forgiven you? I have no idea. Both of you frustrate me so fucking much.”

“Owen and I?”

“No, you and Ellie. I love you Abby, I have never loved anyone else but sometimes loving you hurts me. And I'm confused because I initially came out here to jump back into your arms and run away with you but now I don't know If that's what I want considering someone else’s hands were on you and you let it be that way. What happened to us?”

“If we had never separated this wouldn't have happened”

“Well I'm sorry I got kidnapped. That was totally in my control” You seethed.

“y/n I am sorry.I can't tell you how badly I need you back in my life again. Things haven't been the same. I'm not the same, the entire WLF base can see it… come home. I need you”

“I just need some time to figure out what the fuck I want to do”

Abby stood up

“Well I'm not waiting for all my friends to die. I'm going home.”

“Abby please I can't let her kill you.”

“Have more faith in me.”

“It's hard to believe anything when it comes to you anymore”

Abby made a pained expression, that was a little painful to hear but it was fair.

You looked outside, and the light was coming in. Ellie would be awake soon.

“I've gotta go before she sees that I'm gone.”

Standing up you stepped close to Abby, hugging her. Her arms wrapped around you, lifting you off her feet, your face borrowed in her neck.

“Just, don't die okay?” Though now all you did with Abby was argue, she was still someone you cared deeply for.

“I won't ,stay safe y/n '' Abby mumbled into your shoulder.

The love was still so strong. It just felt strained.

That night or rather that morning when you had gotten back to Ellie, you’d snuggled up against her side again. And like second nature she pulled you into her, brushing her lips against your forehead and if she had been a little closer, it would have seemed like a kiss.

This was wrong, it was all so so wrong. But being close to Ellie felt good. It felt uncomplicated, simple, safe.

Ellie, once again woke up first. Her heart slowed to a gentle rhythm when she discovered you fast asleep in her arms.

“Beautiful”

Beautiful, she thought when she looked at you. Memorizing every pathway of your skin, looking softly at you as if she could never look away. It was a different admiration she had ever felt. Not with Riley, not with Cat, not with Dina. You were so you. Each of her past lovers had a thing about them that she was drawn to but you, she couldn't put a finger on it. All she knew is that she craved more. More days waking up with you in her arms, more of your laughs, smiles, more hidden glances she snuck when you were busy brushing shimmer or staring off into the treeline, mindlessly rubbing the gold locket that fell gracefully onto your pretty collarbones.

She wondered what was in that locket of yours, a past lover? A sibling or family member? Perhaps a pet? She highly doubted that possibility. You werent really an animal person unless it was shimmer.

Eventually you stirred awake.

“G’mornin Els” you drawled, a voice as smooth and soft as honey. It was music to her ears. She loved how vulnerable you sounded, fresh in the morning, only visible to her.

“Morning y/n” The look she was giving you was a little too overwhelming to be making eye contact with so you lowered your gaze.

“Sorry I'm all up in your space again. I couldn't-”

“No, I like it”

You blinked.

Ellie once again made it awkward.

“Dude you gotta stop flirting with me”

you spoke trying to break up the tension. (Was it uncomfortable or sexual tension? That you'll never tell)

Ellie’s face changed into that of a tomato.

“ I wasn't!”

You sat up next to her stretching her eyes immediately went to the bare skin that showed as your shirt rode up. She couldn't help it.

Before you could catch her eye though, she looked away, deciding that suddenly the sky was very interesting, looking intently at it.

“Sure, you definitely were!” You giggled.

Finally the pair of you were back on the road.

Once again, you were chest to back, wrapped around her waist and to Ellie, nothing ever felt so right.

She was so happy you followed her on her journey. You were so kind, so selfless for supporting her like this. She hoped that once this was all over she would be happy again. Happy with you. Her best friend. When she and Dina had broken up she never thought she would meet someone as amazing as you but you stumbling into those words was such a little miracle.

Ellie was perfectly content with the feeling of you holding onto her, she savored every touch. Never had she once had a platonic relationship with another girl that felt so deep and powerful. It flooded her heart with warmth. She only hoped that you reciprocated her feelings.

“Y/n?”

“Hm?”

“Thanks”

“For what?”

“For coming all this way for me. You have no idea how much it means to me.”

You paused, guilt crawling into your soul. laying thoughts of self hatred inside of you, like an infection.

Like a parasite.

If only she knew you had came here to betray her.

“Of course Ellie.”

“I really appreciate everything you’ve done for me.”

“Oh god Ellie stop. I’m a horrible person” you’d heard yourself think. But you didn’t say that. She would never allow you to think that. Ellie was a good person.

“Of course Ellie.”

Lying, lying, lying. You were a bad person, cruel, selfish. Saying sweet words to disguise the truth. Maybe you did deserve to be with someone like Abby. Maybe you deserved to be forgotten about.Not looked for, abandoned. Ellie didn’t deserve that. She was a perfect friend. Maybe you should just leave tonight and stay with Abby, like a coward unable to tell Ellie what was actually going on. Why you were really there; to save your ex-girlfriend, whose locket you still wore close to your heart. Were you even broken up? Were you available? Could you entertain Ellie’s obvious advances? No, it’s probably a bad idea. But you already sucked as a person, you might as well just go all the way into complete douche-baggary.

“Ellie when this is all over we need to have a girls night.”

“Girls night?”

“Yea like we eat a bunch of shit food, say horrible things about people we don’t like and do face masks!”

Ellie turned and smiled at you.

“I’d really like that”

The journey went on, and you came across infected, yet to see raiders or hunters. Ellie was stealthy. She taught you how to come up behind them and how to sneak amongst the masses. They never seemed to really really go for her, they were so busy chasing you. That was a little weird, how they acted like she was one of them. Maybe she really was that smooth. But you doubted it. It was Ellie Williams. She wasn’t smooth about anything. Especially not when it mattered. At least not other than murdering infected.

She seemed to enjoy this position she placed herself in, she liked teaching you things, sharing information, seeing you watch her, having your eyes on her. She wanted more of it. Every drop of attention you gave her she ate it up.It probably wasn’t normal to want someone so badly. Especially her best friend but she didn’t care. Not as long as you looked at her.

Call her desperate or depraved or whatever but she couldn’t get enough. If only you knew how deep her admiration ran, maybe you would be scared away but she doubted it. You were just as crazy as she was, after all if you weren’t you wouldn’t have been such good friends. Clicking so fast as if you were always meant to meet.

You, on the other hand, felt more sick than ever. Good thing you were such an experienced liar otherwise Ellie would’ve caught on.

It was a feeling of pure disgust by your own actions. By telling Abby about Ellie you were basically associating with the person Ellie hated the most, and rightfully so. But they were both frustrating. Abby killing Joel as revenge and Ellie killing Abby as a result. It was a big, unhealthy cycle that likely wouldn’t offer Ellie any happiness. After all she couldn’t bring anyone back to life by sacrificing another.She wouldn’t heal from this.

What would you do, when the time comes to choose between them? Abby was really pissing you off but that didn’t mean the love you had would just go away. She has seen every bad part of you and loved you regardless. You were sure Ellie would feel nothing but hate when/if she found out you met up with Abby, nevermind loved Abby.

So you came to the conclusion to utilize a common coping skill in your every day life. You would dissociate, disconnect from the stress and allow yourself to be loved by Ellie. Enjoy the moments with her before she would ultimately leave you. Or until you ultimately left her. The thought left a sick feeling inside of your abdomen. She would never forgive you. So you might as well take advantage of right now before everything went to compete and utter shit.

Notes: feedback is greatly appreciated! Pls lmk if the story should be team Abby or team Ellie. thanks for reading xoxoxo!

[baby-yaga]

yesterday, post burial, on our way back to the church to grab a plant, my mom told me, "love him for who he was, dont hate him for who he wasnt. thats the best way to go through life without baggage." and i get where she was coming from, but i dont think thats right.

sometimes people say that the opposite of love isnt hate, its indifference. i did love my dad. i also hated him. they never cancelled each other out. i can love him for his warmth, his humor, his intelligence, his gregariousness, and still hate him for his absence, the abuse, the neglect, how he gave so much of himself to everyone else but his 3 children.

im haunted by my mom telling me that my dad once told her, "if i knew then what i know now, we never wouldve gotten divorced." i cant even picture what that wouldve been like. there was a brief period after my dad left his late wife, where he was living with us again. my parents werent together, it was basically a roommates situation, and in all honesty it was the best part of my teen years.

we had all been through a lot. his late wife was abusive to pretty much everyone in her life, except when she was passed out on oxy. i was deeply resentful of my dad remaining married to her despite how horribly she treated my brother and i, and also him. when she passed away, we were all having dinner with my sister, and when my dad told trey and i what happened, i think it was really shocking to him that we looked at each other, and replied, "good."

but when he lived with us again, it was weird, but it wasnt bad. i liked having him around all the time. i liked getting to spend time with him for real. he picked me up from school, we ate dinner together, watched movies, i started going to the gym with him. we were living together when i went on my first date ever. we were living together when i came out to him. we were living together when i tried to kill myself.

but it didnt last forever. he moved in with a new girlfriend eventually. he kept it a secret, so when he moved in without telling me before hand, i was so mad. i wouldnt go over to their place, a duplex that was less than 5 minutes from our house. i wouldnt meet his girlfriend. i think i was hurt beyond words that he was breaking up our family again, but i didnt realize that until just now.

he tried to force it one night, wanted to ground me if i didnt come. we got into a tug of war match over my laptop in the entry way. i was so frustrated, hurt, i felt so un-heard, i screamed, "i hate you! i never want to see you again!"

he looked surprised. then, he looked devastated. he put down my laptop gently on the entryway table, and left without a word.

he called that night, and explained himself. he said something like, "a friends son passed away recently. i just dont want to lose our relationship."

i said, "im sorry that happened, dad. but i wish you wouldnt try to make me feel bad just because you feel bad."

he replied, "so im just supposed to feel miserable by myself?"

i dont remember what i said exactly. it was something to the effect of, "fine! keep making everyone around you miserable, until you have no one around but yourself!" i slammed the phone down. this was in like, 2008 or so, so we still had a landline, lol.

we didnt speak for 2 weeks. he picked up my brother to come sleep at his place, didnt speak to me, and then would leave. i didnt know that what i wanted was for him to move back in for good. it wasnt reasonable, really. he wanted to date, i think he felt weird about it while living with my mother, and also he didnt have his own room, he was sleeping in a bunk bed with my brother. so i understand now why him moving out happened. but at the time i was so upset hed kept it a secret from me. i still think that was the wrong move. if hed been open about it, given me some time to adjust without springing it on me, it mightve gone a little smoother.

anyway, the night i spoke to him again. he was coming over to pick up trey again. i started crying and threw myself at him. i said i was sorry over and over. i missed him so much. i loved him so much. i just wanted him to be my dad again.

he just held me, and rocked me back and forth. he kissed the top of my head and said, "its ok, its ok." we stood like that for a long time, until i stopped crying. i met his new girlfriend that night. they showed me the room theyd prepared, a bed and everything, for my brother and i to share. it was the first time id ever had a place to stay at his house. before, i was sleeping on the couch, or, when my step-brother was in basic training, i got to sleep on his futon. it meant so much to me.

i miss him. ive missed him my whole life, it seems. missing him isnt new. but this is different. it feels like theres an empty pit inside of me that i was positive was bottomless, but its somehow gotten deeper.

[absentmoon]

hunter thoughts!!! i have a lot to say and tbh im probably only confident enough to criticize bc i know im qualified lol this one is LONG LONG

okk SO i do have some problems with how hunter is written.. not hunter himself actually he's really great i think!! he's very understandable i think hes very realistic representation imo :)

i just hate how other characters are written to treat him. i think from a purely storytelling perspective its mostly understandable (even if idont find it justified tho i know im emotional about children So im biased), but from a writing and representation standpoint its! often extremely uncomfortable!

first and most important to me is the multiple throwaway lines (..jokes? gags? i cant tell tone) about hunter going back/being handed over to be.los? i could understand if these were brought up again but they just Arent ^^; and like thats deeply discomforting! this is a plotline that needs to be handled with care. there are going to be people and especially children who empathize with hunter and his situation. seeing jokes about being handed over thrown out and then dropped are just..well to be honest kind of triggering! :') like beyond that its just not... good in any way to joke about that? if it was picked up more and carried out as a plotline i could be more understanding definitely! but (for the most part) theyre just kinda There

it also rubs me the wrong way how hunter is consistently made to prove himself, or how its shown that he's completely in the wrong for believing his uncle. like yes, hes done bad things, but bel.os is 1) a mass manipulator 2) the only adult and probably the only person hunter knew for at least most of his life 3) the emperor. ofc hunter isn't going to be totally good right away- he's only just now gotten a support system!!

ive gone super off topic WHOOPS. but back to my point its just kinda eughh to me that its implied that hunter should've been against bel.os wayyy sooner. thats not how abuse works! its extremely common for victims to latch onto and defend their abusers thats just? a normal reaction? and i get writing characters to be upset with him, that's understandable, but sometimes it gets to the point - mostly with the adults - where its just too much for me :( especially when hes very clearly trying to learn? for someone whos been isolated forever thats super impressive and needs to be encouraged!

honestly idk i forgot my main points im just protective ^^; the first paragraph is the thing that upsets me the most for sure

[corpsentry]

january: an art retrospective

i did some stuff last month (but it’s a lot of stuff and there’s a photodump + some Serious Fucking Reflection, so it’s all below the cut)

so ok, let’s start with this. here are some heads. each head has a red arrow. that red arrow is what i call the red line of the devil. it’s the slope of the face from the side of the eye to the cheekbone and then down towards the chin. up until like 2 weeks ago, i couldn’t draw it. i couldn’t fucking draw it. i would edit over that part of the face over and over again until i was frustrated and tired and i had a raging homosexual headache and it still never looked right. notice that each head is different. notice that each head looks wrong.

at the start of 2021 i finally admitted to myself, as per the image above, that i was deeply, deeply unhappy with my art. what was the problem? i dunno. but i decided i was going to fix it and i was going to do so via another one scribble a day event wherein for every day of january i would find a photo of a human head, and i would draw it.

january 1st, 2021. i was embarrassed to tweet this even on my private account where like 5 friends and a rock would see it. in retrospect, you can also see all of my bad habits emerging like dicks from a hole in the ground. it’s disproportionate. the brows look flat. the eyes are slanting upwards. the entire drawing looks flat, like this isn’t a 3d person but a caricature of one.

january 2nd, 3rd, 4th:

on the 2nd i decided to start a separate thread for doodles and applied learning. here’s the first set of tests

the rest of the week is kind of uneventful so we’re going to skip those. fast forward to january 11th

this one is especially bad. i am acutely aware, suddenly, that i am not changing anything at all. i’m stressed and miserable about it because i’m still trying to see people as people and trying to draw people that look attractive and proportionate and hot. my friend, leny, reminds me that i need to think about faces in terms of planes. i have a moment. my other friend masha sends me some links to anatomy tutorials. i have another moment.

january 11th. applied sketch

january 13th is when i start the troubleshooting process. the link above drives me mad because i’m pretty happy with the face but then i realize that there’s something very fucking wrong with the shape of the head LOL and then i realize that i’ve never had any idea what the proportion of the face to the rest of the skull is so i grit my teeth and i open a new canvas and i

bald studies. it seemed like the right thing to do. can’t draw heads? ok draw some heads. look at some photographs. i traced each photo but tried to stick to straight lines so that i could replicate the shapes more easily. i broke each face down into shapes. i thought about airplanes

i got really excited. i started doing studies, then applied studies, then stylized studies.

sketches. i’m not sure what’s going on (as always) and it’s very rough, but they look different from the sketches i did on january 2nd. that’s a start

january 16th’s daily study. looks more like a person now. juuuuuust a bit

more applied studies

on the 18th i take a break and go stare at some lips because i don’t understand how the fuck they work. again, i focus on shapes, on volume, on the fact that these things exist in 3d. holy fuck lips exist in 3d. holy fuck we are real

january 19th. i’m working on it.

january 22nd. some sketches + a daily study. it has finally occurred to me that heads can tilt up and down and that things look different accordingly. yes i was not aware of this before. yes i have been drawing for over a decade.

january 23rd. by this point after doing my daily sketch i almost always go back and do an applied study which is basically to say i drew a lot of fucking links. this one looks kind of okay. i’m kind of proud

january 25th. links. trying to make sense of everything i’ve learned

26th, 27th, 28th. daily studies

january 1st. january 31st

The End Of The Photo Dump (dab)

ok NOW i get to talk about what i discovered while studying the shit out of human beings

FIRST OF ALL, there is something precious and magical about drawing shit without the explicit knowledge that you’re going to tweet that shit out to 45 people later. it takes the burden of perception off your shoulders and that does something to you, or at least that’s my theory. i told myself i wouldn’t post any of this stuff until the end of the month (if i wanted to post it at all) and kept everything off my public social media accounts and that meant i could draw ugly as hell without worrying about who would point and laugh, which i absolutely fucking did. a lot of these are fucking trainwrecks. most of these are fucking trainwrecks. why do they look like that?? why??? this doesn’t look like the work of someone who’s allegedly been drawing since they were in kindergarten, does it?????

here’s why: because that person took a huge motherfucking swing at everything they’d ever known about art and spent a month building something new in its place. the abstract explanation is that i grew up on shoujo and weird old anime and my understanding of anatomy was unironically kamichama karin and while i love kamichama karin, when kamichama karin is your rule even if you try to break it, you’re going to end up going nowhere. “you have to know the rules to break them”, yeah? well i didn’t know shit. the abstract explanation is i’ve been miserable about my art for a few years now because i saw other people doing things effortlessly which i couldn’t and instead of going back to the basics, i tried to do what they did (not plagiarism, mind you, i mean i literally tried to copy the red line of the devil i mentioned above because i couldn’t even make that happen) and then i fucking failed.

the simple explanation is this. i had to unlearn everything, and relearn it again (like some kind of new renaissance clown, what the fuck is this?)

take this for example. all my life i’ve drawn faces in the order: eyes, nose, mouth, face shape, head. this works for some people, im aware, but it was something central to how i had always drawn, so i decentralized it. i said fuck you to the old me and changed the order up. now i start with the nose, then the eyes, mouth, the chin line, and the sides of the face. now i force myself to think about the human head as a series of parts interacting with each other instead of a bunch of disparate features which i want to look pretty.

or let’s use this zelda from last year. something about this looked wrong last october, the way something about all of my drawings looked wrong, but i couldn’t pinpoint it for hell the way i couldn’t articulate Any of my feelings about the visual arts. now, looking back, here’s what i see. that nose is sticking out far too much given how she’s not really facing very far away from the camera. that ear at the back shouldn’t be there. her forehead is too big. she doesn’t have a forehead. what the fuck is up with the shape of her head?

so apparently reject modernity embrace tradition has its roots in alt-right terminology and i’m not very horny for the alt-right (you understand), but the spirit survives here. you know sometimes you have to admit that you have no idea what the fuck you’re doing and draw people for 31 days. i’ve spent my whole life drawing stylized people and while again there are artists who have no issue with this, i veered off the track of the Good and the Holy and couldn’t get back on. i had no point of reference because i’d never thought about what an actual human being looks like, so i had no way to fix what i knew in my gut looked wrong but wouldn’t come out better.

this was hard. this was like oikawa tooru swallowing his worthless pride and admitting that ushijima wakatoshi had gotten the best of him for the last time in his high school career, but in haikyuu!! by furudate haruichi oikawa tooru fucks off to argentina and then joins the argentinean national team, and you know what, i think i’ve made it to argentina (not the team just the country). as per the golden rule of dont fucking move until you’re at least two thirds of the way through the month, i only started trying to draw Shit shit on like the 22nd or something, but i was happy with that i created. i am happy with what i’ve done. i’ve posted like 2 things this month that involve people with what i now call ~applied Knowledge~~ and they’re, like, not perfect obviously (perfection is an unattainable ideal), but i’m fucking proud of them. i didn’t spend 5 hours hunched over my laptop adjusting the red line of the devil because it’s not a devil’s line anymore. because i finally sorta get how people work. because i sat down and i said ‘we are not going to fuck with this misery shit anymore’ and then i did that. it’s just a line now.

here are 2 collages tracking my painstakingly carved out progress from january 2nd to february 2nd because i’m a slut for collages

and here’s what i’ve done to my art! the same person drew these but also Not Really! you know! for the first time in a year i don’t immediately hate what i’ve drawn. you know what guys? art is fucking fun. zelda’s forehead doesn’t scare me anymore because i know how foreheads fucking work now, and i don’t know everything, and i’m going to keep troubleshooting stuff as i go (i want to draw a skeleton. like a. i want to draw a goddamn skeleton guys) but i’m honestly and genuinely proud of what i’ve done in the span of a month, and i’m also in disbelief. i started this month-long challenge out as a last ditch effort to make peace with my art because i’ve been tired for a long time and i was ready to kick the bucket on drawing people altogether. i didn’t think anything would happen. nothing’s happened for years. i’ve been miserable for years.

this was the caption for january 1st, 2021. i was super, super fucking embarrassed and it looks like super fucking shit, but you know what, i think i did in fact triumph over the bullshit. surprisingly enough, when you put in consistent effort into something, You Will See Results. didn’t see that coming, did you? i know i didn’t.

this isn’t a success story. it’s a happiness story. i never gave a shit damn about the institute of art or whatever, i was just mad at myself because what i saw in my head didn’t match up with what was on the canvas. and now it’s getting better. now i’m calibrating the compass. now drawing not just backgrounds but also people is exciting to me, and i can stick my links in your face and tell you ‘they hot’. i’m going to keep doing that. i’m going to keep going until i drop off the side of the earth and then spiral towards mars like some kind of fairy, and then i’m going to create something beautiful.

thanks for reading. here’s a pr department link for sticking around until the end

[dearest-kibble]

yan kenma who has you locked up in his apartment- it’s been some time and you’ve given up escaping but you know he live-streams so you kind of start living small clues that you’re there in hope someone will figure it out? but instead of a viewer kenma finds out; and instead of stopping you he just decides to taunt you and play along to the point his viewers make it an inside joke- the emotional rollercoaster that would be? he wouldn’t have to punish you- the crushing despair is enough alone

This is so deliciously fucked up I love it,,, thank you anon, Kenma hits so different. I love him thank you so so so much. i am working on so much,,, thank you for being patient with all my uhhh lateness? this kinda became something a little different than the prompt but hopefully thats good?

Kenma Kozume x Fem reader

tw: Typical yandere-ness, humiliation? Sexism? Mentioned stalking, (If im missing anything please let me know my brain isn’t functioning rn)

You’re sitting on his lap, camera angled so that no one’s view is obstructed by your body, but so that all his views can clearly see you. You’ve been here so long, any hope of leaving, ironically, has left you. But, the thought crept slowly, surely, deeply into your brain and hasn’t left. You turn around on Kenma’s lap, straddling him and you’re sure the live chat is going a little crazy at the thought of Kodzuken having someone in his lap while he streams and he’s probably going to tell you to get off soon, but you’ve got the chat’s attention, and you are going to work with it. You tap Kenma’s cheeks, slight squish on them and you know he hates that it’s on camera all the same, you drum three fingers on his cheek, smiling at him for the camera as your fingertips meet his clammy skin. He doesn’t tell you to stop so across his cheek you swipe your thumb three times as tenderly as possible. As you stand from his lap, you pat his cheeks, three times delicately. You look into his eyes, still as calculating as when you met him, a deceptively warm amber with the tiniest hint of frustration (and somewhere inside, you know it’s probably with you but you can’t care.)

“I’m gonna sit on the couch, ‘kay?” You call softly, hoping you were subtle enough with your plea.

“Oh, okay,” And you think you’re free before he calls a “Wait! Come back for a little.” You’re even halfway to the couch before the words rope you back in. He beckons you to lean down, and whispers into your ear. “I noticed you trying to sign to get out. Morse code isn’t as subtle as you think, you might as well just ask them to get you out,” You chance a quick look towards chat.

“Was that morse code?”

“Holy shit! Yeah, I think that was SOS.”

“You think they actually need to get out or it’s one of those ‘my bfs terrible’ jokes?”

“You see the way they were straddling? Def not a hate my bf sorta thing.”

“See?” He’s still whispering into your ear, game forgotten in lieu of what might be called humiliation.  “They won’t believe you because you want to be here. Regardless of what you say, you would’ve left already if you didn’t.” He smiles at you and affectionately pats your head. Like he’d pet a cat. The idea is still in your mind, though perhaps a little shallower. You glance at the chat once more, someone is still talking about it, but Kenma pushes you away with a “I’ll get you when I’m done, okay?” You end your night on the couch with Kenma. He smiles at you and puts your legs on his lap.

The next livestream is two days after the last one. You have something planned once more, hopefully more effective.

“I’m playing minecraft today, I could set up your computer, and we could play together?” His small smile is back. And though a kind gesture, all you can think about is how easily you could make a point.

“Okay!” The earlier plan is immediately forgotten, and thoughts of what you could do in a game, fills your mind. “Will I have a mic?”

“No, I can’t have you telling them can I?” And it clicks, because of course he’d taunt you. But it’s like your brain grew claws that cannot lose their hold.

“Will I have a camera?” And you know the answer, but Kenma might still surprise you. You’ve already had one shock tonight, maybe you’ll get another.

“No. Sorry. You have chat though.” He pats your head again, ruffling your hair. “I’ve already got you set up, c’mon.” He tugs at your hand, pulling gently.

“Thanks Kenma.” He’s put another computer across from his desk on a much smaller table made for playing cards.

“You’re all set up.”

“Yeah.” He clicks the mouse a few times, waves at the camera to his right. “Can everybody hear me?” He waits a few seconds for chat’s response. “Chat is saying yes, so let’s get right in?” He smiles sheepishly to his camera.

“Hi everyone, I’ m Kodzuken and today we are,” He pauses to look at you with honeyed amber eyes. “Playing Minecraft with my partner.” He nods in your direction. You just open the minecraft tab, the only shortcut that seems to be on the computer.

“It’s a LAN server, click that, okay?” So you click it and say nothing. You start to go through the motions of chopping a tree, making sticks, making a crafting table. Kennma is narrating what he does, and you’re not even sure where he is in game until you're knocked back and turn your mouse to look at him.

“Yeah, I know - she should be relying on me.” He’s responding to something in chat, he’s gotta be. You type a quick,

“What’re they saying?”

“Oh, that my girlfriend shouldn’t be so independent, you rely on me - I'm your boyfriend.” Kenma says it so casually, so acerbically that you immediately take off sprinting from the forest in game.  

“She has these bouts - you saw them last stream - where she likes to try and ‘get away’.” Kenma laughs softly; little glockenspiel notes falling from his mouth. “It’s a really cute joke honestly! Anyway, I’ll put my minecraft bed next to hers later, right now...” You stop paying attention and start planning how you’d try to get your point across more clearly. You could make signs, say “Get me out!” Like Kenma suggested.

“Hey! He looks over the screen at you, piercing eyes staring right through you. “Don’t go off on your own, we’re staying together alright?”

“No.” He’ll have to deal with chatting, possibly hearing you by himself. And you continue through the coded forest. It goes pretty smoothly, though you’re sure Kenma is trying to find you, you’ve already created a mine for yourself, and made a little sign with instructions that reads: “Get me out!”

“Her voice is quite cute, isn’t it? I’ll get to hear it for the rest of my life.” He continues humming out yes’s and no’s to his audience that sit captivated in a land of blocks and pixels.

“Hey, I’m going to use the restroom, is it alright if my girlfriend takes over for me?” He stands, and waves you over into his chair that’s been made for gaming and padded with red accents. He watches you with his cat-like eyes as you sit down and pats your head. “I’ll be right back Kitty, behave.” And you hear his soft footsteps get farther away and the creak of the door twice before you finally look at chat.

Woa, Kudzu got lucky huh?

“Please,” You don’t sound nearly as someone might think you would. You’ve been here too long. “Get me out of here?”

Sure sweetheart, just come over to my place first.

“Just - get me away from him please!”

Girls are so whiny huh?

Hey man, its funny at least amiright?

“It’s not a joke -”

She’s really committed to this bit huh

Damn iim staartin to feel bad for ken

Me to :(

“I’ve been here for year and I don’t want to-”

Wow. what an ungrateful bitch.

Ikr? She’s got a bf and everything and she wants to get out?

“No- it’s not like that - he stalked me for months I-” And the familiar desperation you thought hoped beyond all hope that you had lost bleeds back into your voice all repression surfaces like the tide in your eyes.

Oh fuxxx we made her cry.

relax bet she’s just on her period or smth

“I am not!” A bubble of snot pops from your nose and mucus drips uncomfortably to your lips. “I just-”

What could you want that you don’t have.

“My house! My job! My friends!” And your voice breaks

She wants to go back to a job?

Crazy lady huh.

She wants friends when all she really needs is a man? smh.

“Kitten, what-”

“Leave me the fuck alone!” It’s an outburst that you’ll regret later, for one reason or another. But for now it’s a small comfort to speak your mind. With your voice wavering and congested, you choke out a “Let me go home.” Kenma’s eyebrows furrow but his eyes are still the calculating, cold amber they always are.

“Shh shh, it’s okay.” Instead of the quick pats he’s so fond of, he strokes your hair and massages the nape of your neck like he’s picking up a kitten who's gotten into a fight. “I’m going to cut the stream, okay?”

Who’d want to leave Ken, he’s cutting the stream short to help his gf.

…….yeah

I feel bad.

“You should. Please don’t make her cry.” A few clicks later and the stream cuts. “Do you want me to upload that one?” To get your message out? You’d do anything.

“Yes please…” Someone will have to see it. How miserable you are.

“Then it’ll go up, okay?” He pats your back twice, and he stands again to sit at the computer. Out of the blue he speaks again. “They’re right.” No no no no no. “I’m lucky, i’m so glad you're here with me and that you won’t leave.”

“I will get out!” The proof of your white hot anger is breaking the dam built in your throat.

“Where will you go? Your friends don’t know where you’ve gone, they won’t be happy with you coming back unannounced.”

“My parents-”

“You can rely on me, you don’t need anyone else.”

“But I-”

“Shhh kitty, you’re overreacting let’s get you to bed, you’ve had a stressful day.” And so he walks you back to the room you share that's covered in pictures, and he tucks you under the covers and dries your tears with a blanket. He whispers words to you, faint little nothings about games he’s going to play that you’ll enjoy watching and little bits of trivia about what “Kuroo” is up to. Eventually you fall asleep, with his hand in your hair and a chair pulled up close so he can stare. You both know it but no one will admit, some part of him will always enjoy how you lose hope so quickly.

--

once again! This should not’ve taken so long,,,, and it kinda deviates from request but! there we are! also,,,, you can’t tell me that like,,,,,,, kenma hasn’t been at least exposed to incels and or like,,,, really sexist guys he streams on twitch or youtube or something so- also thank you anon,,, i really like this one

[hargrove-mayfields]

Day five of Horror on Cherry Lane Challenge! Today’s prompt was monsters!

Little brat’s been in the school ten minutes after the bell.

After they both broke curfew, Max staying out late trick-or-treating and going to one of her little friends’ house to trade candy, and Billy crashing at the lingering party until he was sober enough to come home and not get his ass kicked, they were supposed to be straight home today. Used up all their free time for the week apparently.

Max knew that this morning, he already told her to forget about the damn AV club. If he had to cancel on whatever chick he was going to take out (was it Carol? No, Carol is Tommy’s girl. Fuck he doesn’t know anybody yet) Max had to give her shit up to.

He gets bored of waiting for the little twerp and tosses his cigarette to the ground, marching in there his damn self.

Only time he’s ever been in this building was to pick Max up from AV. His dad made him come all the way inside and give his assessment on the teacher. Asked (slapped him and demanded it) that he do so to check on Max. Just to be sure. Like he cares.

But it works out anyways that he knows the way now that Max has decided to disappear and it’s up to him to track her down. Only problem is he gets there, and the room is empty. Not even just that Max isn’t in there, there’s no damn kids or teacher or nothing. Just a knocked over lamp and some shit on the floor.

He ain’t trying to hunt her down, but he has to get her back home in like, the next half-hour, and she’s somewhere she ain’t supposed to be. The school isn’t very big, half the damn building is closed off for the school board to use, so there isn’t much ground to cover.

He’s not trying to get himself arrested either, so he makes quick work of the school, checking all the places Max might be. Still, he comes up empty, and he’s about to just give up and let whoever she was with keep her when he sees something scurrying across the floor out of the corner of his eye.

It’s not really any of his business whether or not the middle school is infested, but it catches his eye for the wrong reasons.

It’s a gnarly little thing, a cross between a frog and rat or some shit, but Billy’d recognize that thing anywhere. It’s a fucking monster, crawling around the halls of his sisters school.

Purely on instinct, he tracks the thing to where it cornered itself, taking advantage of the fact that it’s still small and growing into its demon teeth to stomp on the gross monster. He stops once he’s positive it’s dead and not just faking him out like they do sometimes, he’s not gross or something, but he nearly jumps out of his skin when behind him, Max shouts, “Billy!”

He turns, ignoring the pile of goop that was one of those things to face his, apparently, from the flush on her cheeks and the bitterness in her tone, “Jesus, shitbird. What is wrong with you?”

He’s hardly even got the question out before Max snaps at him, “Why would you kill it!”

“Do you even know what that thing is?” Billy raises eyebrows, no patience for Max telling him what to do, but she counters with something that surprises him, “It was Dustins, he discovered it, you jerk!”

“Yeah, no. These things’ve been around longer’n any of us have been alive. And I don't care who found it first. They’re fucking monsters.”

“How do you even know what he was? You killed him.”

“It. Not him. Don’t humanize them.” Billy hisses, warning Max, “And anyways, I seen some shit kid. Don’t ask. And don’t play around with anymore of these little fuckers. Give ‘im a day or two ‘n he’ll be the size of a gray wolf. Another month or so and he’s seven feet tall.”

“But what is he?” Max demands stubbornly.

Billy answers simply, “Something you don’t want anything to do with.”

By now, the rest of Max’s friends have followed the sound of her yelling to their little showdown, and it’s Dustin, the owner of this thing, that chimes in, “But wait, does that mean you know?”

“Know what?” Max huffs, but she gets ignored, Billy firing back at Dustin, “Do you?”

All four of the kids nod at once. Billy sighs deeply, “Jesus, how the fuck did a bunch of little kids get caught up in this bullshit?”

“How did you?” These kids aren’t very original coming back at him with his own questions like this.

Again Max interjects, being left out of the questioning just making her more confused. “Excuse me, but what exactly are we talking about?”

But again nobody acknowledges her, Billy busy answering the boys’ questions.

“Had a friend came from that lab. You know about that part too?” He clarifies, getting three attentive nods, and this time one disapproving scowl, as he explains, “Well the monsters followed ‘im. Through their portals and his head and shit, they were out in California too. That’s how I know I was right to kill that thing.”

There’s a moment of stunned silence before Mike insists, “I don’t believe you.”

“I don’t know, man. How else would he know about everything?” Lucas shrugs, exciting Dustin and promoting him to ask, “Do you think he knows about Eleven too?”

“I’m still here too you guys. What is going on?” Max interrupts, serving only as a reminder, Lucas turning the conversation back to Billy as he asks, “Why haven’t you told Max?”

Billy smugly tries their little deflecting shtick on them, “Could ask you the same. Why are you showing her the monsters if you ain’t gonna tell her jack about ‘em either? I was keeping her safe. You assholes were keeping her stupid.”

Max interjects, “Hey!”

“No, that’s not fair. We had to sign an NDA.” Dustin corrects, very matter of fact for a kid who doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

“Yeah, me too kid. It wasn’t any secret that number six escaped. I’ve had those assholes watchin’ over my shoulder for years and I didn’t even do anythin’.” Billy feels like he’s having a trauma competition with a bunch of middle schoolers, and he hates it. His tone is harsh as he demands, “Which brings us into, what the hell did you do to get caught up in all this?”

“None of your business.” Mike spits, but for the first time in the conversation, Will chimes in, “I got taken. By the demogorgon.”

“Okay. What’s that got to do with this, kid?”

“The demogorgon is what we called the big one. Before El killed it.” Lucas explains.

“Look, I don’t know who El is, but believe me when I tell you, you brats don’t know nothing. There ain’t just one of those, you know. Every last one of those annoying little fuckers like the one I just squished’ll turned into a ‘big one’.” They all look collectively defeated by that, maybe because he knows more than they do, or maybe just because they didn’t want to admit it was that bad.

But none look more ghastly than Will, who barely manages to inform them, “That’s bad. Last night, I heard them while we were trick-or-treating. They were everywhere.”

“Then we’re gonna have to do something.” Dustin declares determinedly, but Billy shuts it down right away, “No. Seriously, what the hell? All you sorry little punks are going right the fuck back home and pretending none of this never happened. If you don’t provoke ‘em, they’ll stop.”

“But they weren’t provoked when they took Will.” One of then argues, but Billys ignoring them now, turning back to a no less calm Max, “I don’t care. I ain’t doing this shit all over again. Come on, Maxine. Gotta leave your little friends to their baby ‘demogorgon’ and their world saving bullshit.”

Max scrunches her face up and argues, “Um, did you forget that I still have no idea what the hell is going on?!”

“Honestly, yeah.” Billy admits, “But s’better if you don’t ask questions. Now if you please, we gotta go.”

“No. You’re being a jerk.” Max crosses her arms and glares at him, a clear sign shes refusing to leave with him.

Billy just shrugs, “M’always a jerk. Thought you’d know that by now.”

“I do. And that’s exactly why I’m not listening to you. If my friends are going to do something, I want in on it.”

“Look what you little fuckers did.” Billy grumbles at the boys before trying to reason with his sister again, “Max. We only got fifteen minutes out of an almost half hour drive to get home. Come on.”

“This is so much bigger than that! I don’t care what your stupid dad says, I want to do something!” Her attitude gets on Billy’s nerves. That’s definitely deliberate if the spite gleaming in her cold eyes is any indication.

“You don’t even know what it is!”

“Then I deserve to find out!”

Billy sighs deeply, done doing this with a bunch of little kids in over their heads, “You know what, fine, but we’re stoppin’ at a payphone and you’re gonna be the one to tell my old man I’m takin’ you out for.. I don’t know, fucking ice cream or some shit. And if we get in trouble, I’m blaming you. Deal?”

Max smiles to herself at having gotten one over on him, “Deal. Where are we going though?”

“I dunno. Ask your nerds. S’their big fucking idea.” Billy grumbles, matching Max’s bitterness.

“We’ll have to call a meeting.”

“Will my basement work?”

“No offense, but I don’t think he’s getting past your mom.” Dustin nods towards Billy, the older boy rolling his eyes even though he’s not wrong, then offers, “My mom doesn’t like visitors. Maybe Will’s?”

“Yeah, Mrs. Byers will let anybody come over.”

“And she already knows what’s going on.”

They all nod again, and Billy rolls his eyes at them again while Lucas relays their decision to Max, “Alright, meet us at Will’s in an hour.”

“Why that long though? We’re all here right now.”

“Gives us time to cover our tracks, shitbird.” Billy hums in response to Max, stepping forward and asking, “What’s the damn address?”

This ‘meeting’ the twerps called was pretty much everyone in this hick town that knows the same dirty little secret as he does getting together in a tiny house and panicking. Billy and Max get fully interrogated like, a dozen times, once by the damned chief of police himself, all the while everyone is coming up with theories and plots and arguing. So much fucking arguing among this lot.

It gets to be too much pretty quickly, day five in this place and he’s already having to jump back into some of the worst things that ever happened to him. None of these people realize how big this is. Especially not the kids who just think it’s badass to fight monsters.

He leaves without telling anyone, or without anyone noticing among the chaos, to the back porch to light one up. There’re ashtrays all over the house he could use, but looming smoke in that cramped little kitchen wasn’t going to be any better than watching it curl upwards to the stars. So outside it was.

He leans against the wall, gaze fixing straight to what’s above him. He doesn’t notice the presence of another person until he hears them speak, startling slightly at the sound of a voice breaking the calm silence of a humid November night.

It’s Steve, sitting on a rusty and banged up glider at the opposite end on the porch, lit up just like he is. “So, uh. I guess you’re a part of this now?”

“I guess I am.”

Steve just nods and responds simply, effectively ending the conversation, “Right.”

But that’s not satisfying to Billy. He might appreciate peace more than what’s going on in that house, but he doesn’t like empty silence either. “What’re we all awkward like this for, Harrington? Spit out what you’re thinkin’.”

“I dunno, man.”

Billy frowns, prompting, “Come on. I know them gears are turnin’ over there. You've been quiet since we all got here.”

Steve looks away from him, but he does answer, “I dunno it’s just.. We’ve lost so much. People died because of this. People I knew. And I don’t like that anyone else is involved I guess.”

Billy scoffs, “Even me? You don’t even know me other than the asshole you met at the party last night.”

“So? What do you mean even you? I don’t want anyone anywhere near those fucking monsters. Could be my worst enemy and I’d still save them. I’d protect anyone from those things.” The haunted look behind his eyes, which seem so tired the longer Billy looks, tells Billy everything he needs to know.

He doesn’t mean to sound so soft when he asks, “What makes you so confident you can? Save ‘em I mean.”

“I fought a demogorgon myself. Well, not really by myself. Nancy and Jonathan were there. But I took a nail bat to its fucking face. Like hell I’d just let one of those things get anyone. Even you.” Steve

Billy flicks away his burnt out cigarette, sitting next to Steve on the old glider. “That’s real touching H, but I ain’t letting nobody sacrifice themselves for me. Need I remind you I’ve fought these assholes too.”

“But you told the kids you didn’t. Said it was all your friend.” Steve looks at him, sort of doubtful, but Billy blows off the remark, “No shit Sherlock. I ain’t airing all my business to any nosy brats like them.”

“I get that, but.. “ Hesitantly, he clarifies, “Is.. your friend, you know, even real?”

Billy must look at him like he grew a second head, “Shit, man, you think I’m one of those freaky experiments? No way. ‘Course he was real.”

“Oh. You said ‘was.’ Does that mean...” Steve’s voice trails off, sparing him hearing the words out loud.

“Don’t know. He got caught about two years back. Haven’t heard from him since. They might’a brought ‘im back here, they might’a killed him. I dunno.” Billy shrugs, picking at his nails while he talks so he doesn’t have to acknowledge Steve, or the fact that he’s even admitting this shit to him, “That’s why we’re here in Hawkins though. Susan’s got family over in Hope and a little ways up by Indie, so I suggested Hawkins. Just to come see where he came from. Get some closure I guess.”

“Guess he was really important to you then?” Steve smiles softly, but Billy only sighs through his nose, “You got no idea, Harrington.”

“Well, for what it’s worth, I’m sorry. I’m sure you’ll meet someone like him again.” He offers.

Somehow that sentiment immediately sets Billy on edge though, something about his tone implying that he knows, knows him and six were more than just friends, and Billy really doesn’t want to face that kind of monster tonight. He snaps, suddenly defensive, “What the hell’s that s’posed to mean?”

Steve’s face falls a little, evidently surprised by how upset Billy is, and he tries to fix it, “Oh I just thought that, the way you talked about him- and you look so sad when you do- that he was, you know, special to you.”

“So what? You gonna leave me to the monsters or some shit for that?” Billy growls, quickly warranting more defense from Steve, “What? No way. No I.. I get it, Billy. I do. More than you probably think I do.”

Billy half nods, his shoulders untensing as he slowly recognizes Steve’s genuinity. He mumbles eventually, working through what he needs to in his head to be comfortable talking openly with him again, “Didn’t expect to be getting relationship counseling too. That your assignment on the team, mister romance expert?”

“Shut up. You’ve never seen me swing a bat before.”

“Oh believe me, I cannot wait to.”

Steve’s smile returns, something Billy is personally glad for, though he might not be ready for that realization yet. He bumps their shoulders together, to hold Billy's attention and let him know he’s genuine, “Still, in all seriousness man, I hope you can find someone else like that for you. I know it’s not really easy pickings around here.”

This time, Billy’s tone is light, his features soft and vulnerable for the boy next to him, for the way he makes him feel less weighed down, less alone in this, “You got no idea, Harrington.”

[izzyliker]

hey - this is one of the mods of the bi jon project. we don't actually dislike or disagree with pan jon at all, we just want to make a project focused on and celebrating bisexuality. our carrd is a bit rambling, but frankly we were trying our best/overcompensating to try and make sure people didn't misunderstand us and do - well, this. our intentions are good, and it's really kind of disenheartening to see all the hate we've gotten for what was meant to be a positive project. (1)

you're under no obligation to answer these, but i saw some of your posts in the tag and felt like reaching out because you did give us even the tiniest bit of slack in good faith. honestly, if you have any advice about what in our carrd is so overwhelmingly bad, we'd be happy to hear it. we've been trying to respond to the overwhelming amount of criticism we've got in a positive way, and take peoples' suggestions. (2)

as for why 'no anti-antis' was at the bottom of our rules list, it's legitimately bc we were trying so hard to be preventative about this negativity that we forgot to add it when we first posted the blog, and just remembered later. again, you're under no obligation to answer these, i just feel like no one's really actually letting us defend ourselves/are taking things in as bad faith a way as possible. (3)

im not exactly sure how the posts showed up in the tag bc ive been very purposefully not tagging them, also ive blocked all of you back (not sure why you blocked me if you actually want feedback, so it seems more like you just want free positive pr and not actual feedback) so its unlikely youll see whatever it is that i reply to this but whatever. 

the issues have all been repeatedly brought up to you so i dont really see how me repeating all of them once again could help. when i last looked at the cardd the things that stood out immediately included. 

pitting ace & bi identities and people against each other REPEATEDLY,  

starting off with a guilt trippy tone and maintaining it throughout (in my experience this is the #1 best way to receive backlash because people do not want to participate in events where you feel like youre being guilted into it, which going into scrutinizing detail over there not being enough content and passing judgement onto authors or artists over it is something that comes across as guilt trippy.),

repeatedly equating asexuality with sex repulsion (not to get into the misleading information about modteam aspec identity breakdowns, since you claimed that 3/4 of the team are aspec, which is technically correct, but what you didnt say was that only one is acespec. surely you know that [allosexual] aro and [alloromantic] ace are not interchangeable) and calling using biromantic over bisexual a “misunderstanding” of the identity as if how to define romantic vs sexual attraction (how to divide, if or if not to divide, use interchangeably different labels) isnt a deeply personal choice ace people who experience romantic attraction make, 

claiming that bisexual jon is canon (he isn’t. this is why people are suspicious of anti-other mspec identities sentiments. which theyre right, if youll be so kind as to stick around til the last paragraph) and repeatedly implying that the reason there isnt “enough” content centering bi jon because the aces are simply unable to not fixate on his asexuality (again, pitting identities against each other),

making the banned ship list way needlessly confusing and including ships that dont even include jon to it, which simply comes across as some kind of a list of bad ships, idk. a way to bypass this would simply be to say “we are looking for portrayals of healthy relationships!” and that couldve just been it. if you felt that that wouldnt exclude specific ships (eg. jondaisy that a lot of people write as a relationship between trauma survivors who have done very bad things trying to get better and learning to trust each other) it is possible to simply say “the modteam is squicked[/triggered] by ships with daisy/elias/peter and we’d like to read all of the works submitted so we’re asking not to receive submissions with those ships.” hating ships is literally completely normal but making rules hard to parse is going to attract questions, especially when the implication is that ships are excluded on the grounds of morality, and a blatant power difference ship (jonelias) is equated with jondaisy, which is from what ive seen almost exclusively shown to be a relationship between equals. that makes people EXTREMELY confused about where the line is. thats why youre getting so many questions about this.  

in general the carrd was spotty, guilt trippy, and needlessly moralizing where it definitely did not need to be. the key to getting people to engage without getting backlash is to make the event seem fun. when your carrd is filled with stuff about unrelated negative stuff people are not going to think it’s a fun event at all. 

and none of this even gets into the fact that at least one of the mods has a history of open hostility against pan people. i heard through the grapevine that he has since made a fauxpology about it, but frankly it already shone through in the language used in the event descriptions. its extremely hard to take any of this is good faith when it is easy to see that one of the organizers is quite fucking clear about thinking pansexuality is biphobic and the carrd is or at least used to be full of anti-pan (and other mspec identity) dogwhistles, and is notorious in some of the tma fic author circles for being extremely fucking nasty about trans men writing fic he doesn’t like to the point of pretending that we’re all cis people (in case youre not keeping track that is misgendering us by implication) because he doesn’t like it. i think some of you (or maybe all of you? idk) in general could stand to examine whether your engagements and participations in the fandom have been at all about having fun or adding positivity to anything, or simply making posts about what other people are doing wrong. it seems that every post i see from anyone in this group is guilt trippy and authoritative, and sadly this translated directly into the event. 

when youre, say, a trans man whose first touch to one of the mods was a post about how fic where trans men have piv sex with cis men is hurting him personally and making it a moral issue and not a matter of a simple preference to the point where he feels comfortable making claims about the trans men (and transmasc nonbinary people) writing fic about trans characters re: their gender or whether theyre fetishizing trans men, your willingness to engage in good faith with an event hosted by him that features numerous red flags is not going to be unconditional. 

im sorry to hear that it has been bad for your mental health, and idk whats fucking going on with this event anymore, but my good faith interpretations have diminished significantly since i saw the shit tmc specifically has been saying about pansexual people and pansexuality as an identity label. i have no clue where the rest of you stand but tmc has repeatedly, consistently shown himself to be unable to act in good faith towards anyone other than people who agree with him.  

[astrologysvt]

What are your thoughts abot the recent news about mingyu being a school bully?

hi! so i wasn’t going to be commenting on this but i’ve spoken to a few friends about this and i figured id put my thoughts out there in case anyone is feeling anxious and hopefully it can ease their minds a little bit. 

ive looked into the situation and understand that there is still a lot that isn’t clear, a lot that was lost in translation, and some aspects that are highly circumstantial and based in perspective. i’m not about to comment or invalidate/validate any single direction/statement/thought process. what i will say is i think bullying is awful and no aspect of it, no matter when it occurred or the circumstances, should be excused. being an idol does not give anyone a free pass to not accept responsibility for their actions when called out. 

what i will say is that if you’re struggling with this recent news i hope it brings to light the flexibility we need to have when understanding/perceiving our idols. when i heard about this situation, and pretty much every single bullying scandal ever in kpop, i wasn’t shocked. people are capable of doing stupid, awful, and mean things -- especially when we are young. i always struggle to feel pressed whenever news like this comes out (and maybe this is a personal flaw of mine) but i personally do not have the energy to try and hold a third person account of something that happened 10+ years ago over a person who has performed a lot of good now in their adult life. i dont say that in an attempt to invalidate the victim’s experiences because no matter how incidental, unintentional, or minor such an act was on mingyu’s end in terms of bullying -- that doesn’t mean it couldn’t have long lasting effects on someone else’s self-esteem and mental health. with that being said, i try to be empathetic to all perspectives in this situation because the reality is everyone is capable of hurting others. there are people i know who have hurt me deeply that i wouldn’t fault now for their actions, and similarly there are a lot of things ive done that i deeply regret and i simply hope that if i were ever in mingyu’s position that those who ive intentionally/unintentionally hurt would offer me even just a small bit of human forgiveness and understanding as as we both reflect on the situation as adults. i honestly just see the victim’s own personal attempt at speaking about her situation as an attempt to process her own trauma with the situation, and i think stan/idol culture is skewing our ability to accept this reality while also understanding that our idols can still be redeemable years after doing those things. i don’t think it’s particularly fair that we’re using the victim’s attempt at airing out her grievances as a kind of fandom fuel. i feel this way whenever there is a serious issue in kpop. i feel like it should be a given that our idols could be capable of these things, and that we shouldn’t take these scandals with actual important issues to discuss as merely a “fandom” issue. like even tho i don’t hate mingyu now, nor do i feel like i need to choose whether or not i should unstan svt -- that doesn’t mean i can’t empathize or validate the victim’s experiences. tbh to me it just feels tone deaf. like “i see mingyu all the time and it hurts because no one knows what i’ve gone through and he’s being put on this pedestal as a perfect human being who can do no wrong meanwhile im still trying to process a lot of personal issues” and instead of being like “wow that must be difficult and seeing him must be super counterproductive to any progress you try to make. it must feel like for every two steps you take you take three back and simply by hearing him sing on the radio” -- fandom culture now pits these two people against each other, either paints her as solely a victim and now mingyu as the villain or vice versa where she’s attempting slander and mingyu still cant do no wrong. like tbh i think it’d be super validating to her if, adult mingyu now, addressed what he had done in the past and asked for forgiveness and promised her that the person she sees now succeeding isn’t the same person who hurt her all those years ago. maybe shed be able to hear svt songs and not have it set her progress back. i just don’t think the way fandom handles these things is fair if i am being honest, and i think it’s possible to wish for the best for both of them. 

i think the biggest thing people struggle in these situations is having to face the reality that maybe our idols aren’t good people. to that i have to say that the reality is more than likely far less exciting than that. mingyu, the rest of svt, and every idol out there are not extraordinarily good or bad people. they’re just people we’ve stumbled across that we’ve gotten attached to. they’re likable people but they’re also flawed. i don’t think a person needs to be perfect in order to be likable, and i think it’s possible to hold our idols accountable for their mistakes while also investing in their success. its just what humans do. 

[elenamiria]

Contentment

Obi-Wan Kenobi x Reader The morning after spending the night together the two of you talk until you have to sneak away to get ready for the celebration on Naboo.  Five years later you and Anakin sneak away to a speeder race and get caught upon returning by Obi-Wan.

Part 4 of my Obi-Wan series (which is still unnamed because I’m a mess)

Parts 1,2,3: Beating the Heat*(2.67k)  -  Dessert*(3.8k)  -  The Naboo Sun* (7.89k) Masterlist here  Word count: 4.7k Warnings: Fluff, slight angst, smut - oral (m receiving, rough), dom obi, mild exhibitionism, unprotected sex, penetrative sex (fem!reader), praise kink Here we go again! I hope you all enjoy this chapter of whatever this fic ends up being called (I’m thinking pleasing heat but idk is that stupid, who knows.) Let me know if you want to be added or taken off of my tag list (for this work or all works) Tags: @fishswimbetterunderwater​ @blxwjobsforclones​ @lynnie51​ @a-dorin​

After your confessions to each other you had slipped back under the covers, intent on staying with each other for as long as possible. Slipping into a comfortable silence the two of you basked in each other’s presence content to watch the sun slowly cast its golden light in the room. Once the sun started to fully rise you knew you had to sneak back to your room before any of the council were out and about. Regretfully you started to pull away from Obi-Wan only for him to tighten his grip on you and haul you back into his lap with a playful laugh. You giggled and turned to smile up at him, he had an amused smile on his face that quickly turned to concern as you gasped and shot back up. “Obi-Wan! I have to tell you something”

Once you noticed his face you softly grasped his hand and gave him a soft smile, “Don’t worry, it’s nothing bad. But I believe we’ve developed a force bond.”

Obi-Wan’s eyes widened for just a second before furrowing his brow in thought, “Darling, what makes you think that?”

You took a deep breath before speaking, choosing your words very carefully not wanting to revive any negative feelings for Obi-Wan.

“When I was back on Coruscant and you were here on Naboo yesterday, I felt these emotions - strong emotions. They weren’t mine.”

You trailed off and Obi-Wan nodded in recognition, then something crossed over his face and he looked down. Voice low he asked, “So you know?”

You paused for a moment and whispered his name questioningly, unsure what he was referring to. When you received no response you reached across the gap between you to rest a hand on his shoulder, “I know what Obi?”

He looked at you, face filled with shame, “You know that I shouldn’t be a Knight!”

Confusion filled your face at his words and you thought back to the emotions you were feeling the day before. Your eyes widened as you looked back at Obi-Wan, who was looking back at the sheets again and you once again called out his name softly. He didn’t respond apart from his hand reaching to nervously tug on the padawan braid which was now absent and instead of letting it drop you moved your hand off his shoulder to weave your fingers together.

“Obi-Wan, I know what you felt that night and it’s nothing to be ashamed about. You witnessed something terrible happen to someone you loved very much so of course you would be angry. It’s only natural”

Obi turned back towards you, eyes hard as he muttered “Yes well I let that anger fuel me and it was more than that. If what you’re saying is true then you know I let hate drive me, I wanted to kill him. I think you know as well as I do that those emotions are not the Jedi way.”

Sadness had once again filled his eyes and you felt a small frown cover your face before you spoke again.

“My love, even though you felt those things that doesn’t make you any less of a Jedi. Even though we’re always cautioned about those as a path to the dark side and you used your feelings to defend yourself. Plus you are still a Jedi, you didn’t succumb to the darkness. You are not like the Sith, you know that you can still have darker emotions and be a great Jedi. Look at my master, he channeled those negative emotions into his fighting - you did the same thing.”

Slowly the cloud looming over Obi-Wan’s countenance lifted and he looked at you, biting his lip. He looked deep in thought and you remained quiet to allow him time to process your words. Finally he nodded and looking to you once more he offered a small smile. Leaning forward you pressed a soft kiss to his cheek and gave him a smile back.

“No one is more deserving to become a knight than you, not only did you defeat a Sith but you did it while using your emotions and you haven’t held on to them, you let them go. That’s a lesson so many of us are still trying to learn, Master Jinn would be very proud of you. Now, no more being down on yourself, Obi! We’ve got to get ready for the celebration and I’ve got to sneak out of here before any of the council are up.”

At this Obi-Wan laughed and followed you up off the bed. You fixed your nightgown so it looked slightly less rumpled and sighed deeply hoping no one was wandering the halls. Just before you left Obi lightly grasped your arms and pulled you into a chaste kiss. Breaking apart he whispered to you, “Thank you, Darling. I truly mean it, you’ve always been there for me and you always know just what to say - something I admire greatly. I’ll meet you when we have to go down for the parade.”

Stroking his cheek fondly you two shared another soft kiss before you snuck into the hallway. Returning back to your room was thankfully very easy as it was still early and it appeared no one had ventured from their room yet. Stifling a small yawn you decided you could chance a small nap and still have time to get ready, plus it would be best if your bed looked slept in. Though the beds were on Naboo were wonderfully comfortable you couldn’t help but think you would fall asleep so much easier in Obi-Wan Kenobi’s embrace”

Pulling your boots on and zipping them you stood back up and looked over your appearance before grabbing your robe and opening the door. When you walked into the hallway you heard voices coming from Anakin’s room, door wide open. You wandered into the room and the sight you were met with caused an affectionate look to cross your face. Obi-Wan was just finishing up shaving Anakin’s head, except for what would become his padawan braid, and the young boy was happily chatting away. Once he finished Obi-Wan brushed off Anakin’s back and shoulders to get rid of any remaining hair and he then passed the boy a folded tunic with the soft instruction to go put it on. Anakin scampered off to the bedroom you made yourself known. Stepping forward you moved to help Obi-Wan clean up the mess with a small chuckle of, “Well that has to be one of the sweetest things I’ve seen in a long time.”

Obi smiled up at you and nodded in agreement. He was about to say something in return when a small voice called out his name and Anakin stumbled out of the bedroom, tunic in disarray. You had to stop yourself from laughing at the poor boy who managed to get his arm stuck in one of the many loops of fabric on the tunic. Obi-Wan immediately went to help him and kind hands gently guided Anakin’s arms out of the tangle he had gotten in. You felt your heart swell at Obi-Wan’s gentle words and actions, if only the order allowed you to have children Obi-Wan would be a great father. He taught Anakin which pieces of fabric laid just so and helped him secure his belt into place before he stood up and backed away to make sure everything was indeed in place. Nodded to himself he then bent down again to quickly braid Anakin’s hair, officially marking him as a padawan. The moment was so sweet and you couldn’t help but grin so wide it hurt your face, you had never felt more at home than you did now. The moment was interrupted by a knock on the wall next to the open door and your masters voice echoing out that it was time to go to the celebration. At this Obi-Wan’s face dropped slightly in anxiousness. You were going to wait to ask him what was wrong on the way to the steps of the palace but Anakin beat you to it with a simple question of “What’s wrong Master Kenobi?”

Obi-Wan smiled and offered the boy, “Im just a bit nervous is all. I guess I’m still a little shaken by everything that happened.”

Anakin nodded sagely in a move that made him seem much older than he was before he responded, echoing your words to him from the previous day, “Don’t worry, I’ll be there for you no matter what!”

You chimed in with, “Yeah me too.”

And Anakin as well as Obi-Wan shot you big smiles. Obi-Wan rose to walk with Anakin and you to the door as he replied, “I feel much better knowing I’ve got both of you by my side, thank you my young padawan.”

As Anakin’s smile grew prideful it put some pep in his step and he was soon walking ahead of you and Obi-Wan. With a small grin you turned to Obi-Wan, “He’s right you know. You’ll always have us, no matter what.”

Obi hesitated for a moment, looking down, but when he looked back up you could tell he believed your words and the first truly brilliant grin you had seen since arriving to Naboo covered his face.

                                                     5 years later

“Shhh, Anakin! We’ll get caught by Obi-Wan, I don’t know how but I’m sure he’ll find us”

The 14 year old had to stifle a laugh as the two of you snuck back into the Jedi temple. You had caught Anakin sneaking out earlier to go into the city for a speeder race (a rather illegal one at that) and knowing it would be impossible to stop him you instead went with him. In the years since Anakin had come to the temple it was clear how headstrong the boy was and he had definitely mastered the art of sneaking out of the temple. You couldn’t count the amount of times Obi-Wan had gone searching for Ani in the depths of Coruscant to drag him back to the temple. You found it rather amusing that Obi probably knew just as much about underground racing in Coruscant as Anakin did. Your thoughts were interrupted by Anakin bursting in excitement as he recalled one of the more thrilling parts of the race, it was clear he was replaying the whole event over again in his head. This time it was you stifling a laugh as once again you hushed him, “I’m serious Ani, Obi-Wan will definitely find out-”

“Find out what exactly?”

At the amused voice echoing in the near empty hallways you and Anakin froze. Anakin’s eyes grew comically large and you bit your lip to keep from laughing at your hopeless situation. Anakin was the first to turn around and you followed shortly. Obi-Wan was lounging against one of the large pillars of the hallway, some Jedi you were for not even noticing him, his face was fixed in a stern expression but you caught the gleam of amusement in his eye. Anakin started to mumble out an apology before you stepped in.

“It’s my fault we were out, Anakin wanted to go and instead of sending him back to his room I accompanied him into the city.”

You flashed Anakin a small smile as his whole body relaxed slightly. There’s was a pause were Obi-Wan stared at you narrowing his eyes slightly before you added, “I am sorry...Master”

At the last word a smirk curled over your lips knowing how it affected Obi-Wan when you called him that and indeed you caught the way his eyes darkened, body tensing slightly. His gaze slid to Anakin before he stood straight up with a sigh of, “Very well, why don’t you retire for the night my padawan and I’ll see you in the morning for training.”

Anakin gave you a thankful glance before hurrying off towards his quarters. Once his disappeared from sight you turned back towards Obi-Wan who motioned you towards him and you closed the distance between you two. You were dangerously close to Obi despite the fact that the hallways were deserted around this time of night however you were still startled when Obi-Wan firmly gripped your lower jaw and hauled you around to the backside of the pillar. Enveloped in shadow he pushed your back against the pillar and a small annoyed huff of air left him before he spoke, “My sweet girl, what to do with you. Sneaking out with my padawan and not even having the decency to tell me. I was looking for you for hours.”

His dominating role left you breathless and you bit your lip letting a soft whine escape your throat, but you couldn’t help but question your lover “Why didn’t you just use our face bond to find me Obi?”

His facade fell slightly as he looked at you with a slight crease to his brow, “That would have been an invasion of privacy Darling.”

His care for you and unwillingness to cross any boundaries, even when it wouldn’t have bothered you in the least, warmed you body. You leaned forward attempting to kiss him but slipping back into control Obi shook his head before stating, “You don’t get to kiss me yet little one, I still have to punish you.”

A thrill shot straight to your pussy at his words and you felt your breath hitch too, “Punish me, how are you going to punish me Master?”

Obi-Wan groaned softly at the way you drawled out the title master and he glanced around either side of the pillar before hissing, “On your knees, little one”

Your eyes widened, faltering for a moment as you whispered, “Here? What if we get caught?”

A deep laugh filled the air around you as Obi-Wan trailed his other hand, which had been resting on the pillar next to your head, down your body to grope at your breasts over your brown tunic. A dark aroused expression covered his face as he spoke again, “What if we get caught? Well you’d certainly like that wouldn’t you? I think you wanted me to catch you sneaking back in so I’d give you exactly what you deserve and I think you want the thrill of the possibility of being caught right now. I bet if I snuck my hand into those pants you would be absolutely soaked for me. Now, be a good girl and get on your knees for me.”

You couldn’t deny that every word he spoke was true, your whole body tingling in anticipation. Biting your lip you made a show of slowly sliding to the ground, holding eye contact the entire way down. It was only when you settled on your knees that you let your eyes wander to the bugle barely visible in the dark light. Obi-Wan finally let go of your neck only to firmly grasp the back of your head. Leaning forward you nuzzled at the outline of his member pressing on his pants before kissing it and then trailing kisses down his inner thigh as you reached up to undo his pants. You pulled them down just enough to pull his cock free and your mouth watered at the sight. You decided to get right to it instead of teasing him and so you sucked his tip into your mouth, getting it nice and wet before you sunk his length further into your mouth. Obi seemed desperate for you as he tugged your hair slightly pulling you to take him deeper into your mouth. You started bobbing your head up and down slowly each time you tried to slip him deeper into your mouth, when he hit the back of your throat his hand pressed firmly holding you there. A small whine was muffled by his cock in your mouth and you heard the quietest moan before Obi-Wan growled out, “I’m going to fuck that pretty little mouth of yours and you’re going to take it sweet girl, is that alright?”

You nodded best you could and at your consent Obi slowly pulled his hips back before thrusting forward. He never fully pulled out before pushing back into the wet heat of your mouth and when it was clear you were taking him well he sped his pace up. His hand tangled in your hair encouraged your head forward to meet his thrusts and you were trying to keep your choking noises to a minimum as you reminded yourself that you were in the middle of a hallway.

Obi-Wan was quite a mouthful and you did your best not to scrape him with your teeth as he fucked your face, sinking as deep as possible. As you grew more confident you relaxed your throat and Obi-Wan was able to sink into your throat. At the feeling he moaned holding you there. Your throat spasming around him caused his hips to jerk and your eyes shot up to his face as you looked at him pleadingly, your oxygen was running rather low. Another moan slipped past his lips at your expression and he held you there for just a second longer before pulling fully back, you softly gasped for air, head turning slightly, and then a squeak left you as Obi tapped the side of your face firmly with his rigid length and a command of, “Open up.”

You felt your pussy clench at his words and obediently opened your mouth wide, he plunged his cock back in setting another harsh pace.

You couldn’t help slinking your hand down your body and under your pants to rub at your wet panties, a moan left you as you toyed with your wet folds and Obi’s hips stuttered once he realized what you were doing.

“Oh my desperate girl, couldn’t even wait for me to finish could you? So needy, so..” His words faltered as you took him back into your throat again and he forgot what he was about to say when you moaned. Bucking his hips as his head fell back in barely contained pleasure he came down your throat. You whined again as you swallowed down his hot cum and looked up at him as you frantically plunged two fingers into your pussy. You had just started a steady rhythm when Obi-Wan recovered and pulled out of your mouth. He tugged your arm gently and you removed your hand from your pants with a grumble before rising from the ground. He tucked himself back into his pants before guiding your fingers to his mouth to suckle the juices off your fingers. Pulling them out of his mouth with a pop he then captured your lips in a sweet kiss. Once he pulled away he whispered against your lips, “My quarters 10 minutes, I’ll take care of you darling.”

As he spoke his hand came to cup your heat over your clothing and a whimper left your throat before you nodded, repeating back ‘10 minutes’. He pressed another soft kiss to your lips and then he pulled away and after ensuring no one was there he strolled down the hall towards his quarters like he didn't just cum down your throat. You waited another minute before emerging from the pillar and heading the opposite way, taking the long path towards the living quarter, body thrumming with excitement. When you slid into his quarters exactly ten minutes later Obi-Wan stood up abruptly. You shot him a questioning look and he simply shrugged, there was no way he was going to tell you he spent the last five minutes trying to find an enticing pose for when you entered but then got too self conscious - hence him rising quickly when you entered. Shaking off his small display of insecurity he pulled you close to him once you were within reach and slotted his mouth against yours. You trailed your hands over his chest and started to work his clothes off his body, impatient and needy. When you broke apart again Obi let out a breathless laugh at your rapid pace, "And here I thought I was the one missing you. I really was looking for you all over." You laughed slightly as you smiled up at him and replied, "Oh no I missed you very much and I'm very eager to make up for lost time my love""Well, I can't argue with that" Obi chuckled as he started to undress you as well. Clothes were flung away from your bodies as your mouths collided again in a heated flurry. Once Obi had undone your trousers and pulled them down he teased at your still covered heat with his hand. At your delighted noises he slipped his hand past your underwear and rubbed at your wet lips. He made a satisfied noise at the clear arousal and he felt his length twitch as he started to harden again. Slipping two fingers into your drenched folds he pumped slowly before scissoring lightly, ensuring you were fully prepared to take him again. You pulled apart to nip at his neck and you bit at his shoulder as you moaned out, "I want to be on top Obi, let me ride you." Obi-Wan slid his fingers out of you and the two of you stumbled to the edge of his bed, lips locking again as if you couldn't bear to be separated. He sat down heavily on the edge and tugged you down onto his lap. You ground against his semi-hard length, coating him in your juices, and at your touch blood pumped to his cock rapidly. You gave him a few firm pumps before lifting your hips and angling him towards your entrance, Obi's hips gave an involuntary jerk and his cock slipped past your entrance and poked at your ass cheek . A breathless giggle left your lips at the blunder and you realigned him before sinking down slowly. You both moaned out as he drank in your warmth and you reveled in the stretch that you felt no matter how many times you took him in your cunt. Once you lowered your hips all the way and felt him bottom out inside you a small whine slipped through your lips and you nuzzled into Obi's neck, the feeling of being connected overwhelming you for just a moment. His hands gently trailed down your sides to grasp at your hips and gently started to pull your hips in slow circles. Your head fell back at the feeling and finally needing to move you started to raise yourself up and down his cock. At Obi-Wan's gentle moans of encouragement you picked up the pace, the firm slap of your thighs meeting his every time you slid down on him. You were grateful for the firm grip on your waist as Obi-Wan helped bounce you on his hard length as you could feel your thighs starting to burn. Leaning forward Obi captured your mouth in a searing kiss and quickly plunged his tongue into your mouth, asserting his dominance, while you made out he adjusted his grip, one hand sliding down to your ass in order to help you speed up your pace. As you broke apart his mouth nipped at your neck before moving to your chest and capturing a nipple, sucking slightly. When he pulled back he blew cold air on the spot wet with his saliva and your nipple hardened quickly, which he then teased softly with his teeth. Your hands which had been resting on his shoulders for leverage came to bury themselves in his hair. With the length Obi-Wan had let it grow to you were able to tug on his hair to direct him to your other tit, craving the attention. After giving your other nipple the same treatment Obi-Wan picked you up quickly to flip positions. Now standing above you it gave him a better angle to fuck into your wet heat faster and freed his hands to roam your body. As he picked up his pace his breath came out in short pants and in between breaths he stuttered out, "Sorry my love, I know you wanted to be on top, I just couldn't help myself" You were just as breathless as him and gave him a small laugh indicating it was fine, you could hardly find it in yourself to complain - not when he was pounding into you so deliciously. Your hand flew down to toy at your clit as Obi raised your legs to rest on his shoulders so he could get a clear view of you. Moaning loudly at the way your body jiggled every time his cock slammed into you he grabbed onto your hips once again, intent of making it so you couldn't walk without thinking of him tomorrow, and pulled you into him. Your other hand slid up to cover your mouth as you cried out loudly as you rubbed your clit, your orgasm coming quickly. Having been so worked up for so long your release was short but blinding. Your walls clenched tightly around his long hard cock and your whole body tensed, Obi-Wan felt your leg muscle tightening and as he continued his rapid pace, seeking his own release, he turned his head to press soft kisses to your calf. He also took over rubbing gently at your clit as your hand had become rather useless and he whispered to you comfortingly, "That's it my sweet girl, you're doing so well. You look beautiful cumming all over my cock like that, such a good girl." Whimpers flew from your mouth as you came down from your high and you raised yourself on your forearms slightly to watch as Obi plunged in and out of your heat. You trailed your eyes up his body to meet his and you bit your lip before moaning out, "You feel so good Master Kenobi. You're fucking me so well" Obi-Wan's head fell back at your praise and you could tell he was getting close from the way his hips faltered in his pace before speeding up again. You let out another small whimper, knowing just how to push him to cum, and you whined "Oh, Obi-Wan you're incredible, I love you so much. I'm yours, no one else would ever make me feel like this, just you!" At your words Obi pulled out to pump his cock quickly as ropes of white cum flew out of him to coat your body. Obi-Wan's orgasms were never quiet, the air filling with his moans and whimpers mixed with reverent whispers of your name as he milked every drop out of himself to drip on your beautiful stomach. When he finally came down from his high he was met with your soft smile and you couldn't help but whisper out, "You look so incredible when you cum." Obi-Wan blushed at your compliment and suddenly grew shy again, it was cute how dominant he could be but still grow shy around you. He didn't reply instead retreating to get a damp cloth to clean you up.  When he returned you pulled him into a soft kiss, pouring your feelings into your bond and you felt him light up with similar feelings as he allowed his walls to lower for you. Pulling away you nuzzled your noses together, your force bond thrumming with feelings of love and you fell into your post sex routine easily. After being together for so long you knew exactly what the other needed. Tonight you settled against Obi-Wan, sitting in between his legs - back to his chest. You laid at an angle where you could look up at him as the two of you talked about your days, content just to be in each other's company. You pointedly avoided talking about your little excursion with Anakin to the city but you knew at some point Obi-Wan would bring it up to chastise you for encouraging Ankain's rebellious tendency but it appeared he would leave that until morning as a big yawn left his mouth. You chuckled and pressed a kiss to his jaw with the murmured suggestion of sleep. Obi-Wan nodded and lazily slid down under the sheets, taking you with him. You rolled off of him and to the side only to cuddle up against him, his arm slinging around your shoulders in a warm embrace. You sighed and closed your eyes and just before drifting off to sleep you thought 'I love you, Obi-Wan' and the last coherent thought you had before drifting off to sleep was him responding through your bond, 'I love you too darling'.