#i cut so much shit off cuz i went on such an off topic tangent

[pixiestickie]

also jamiazu prompt fr u to talk abt: who do u think kissed the other first. how do u think their first kiss played out

RUBS MY EVIL HANDS LIKE AN EVIL MOSQUITO ON A SUMMER MORNING

okay so ill get to the point my awnser is jamil im sorry . i dont know how many people here will agree with this post but i am no longer a coward on tumblr (LIAR)

i mostly feel like this because I can’t picture azul as being straight forward about that sort of thing. i can picture him as meticolously planning and practicing everything beforehand and then just failing miserably because jamil is jamil.

sometimes i think abt how azul never had a friend to socualize with in his childhood (other than the tweels which are FAR from normal friends). if he ever crushed on someone as a kid he 100% never acted out on it because of how insecure he was (and is) with all that bullying he received

also azul is at disadvantage because jamil is always so grumpy around him how is one supposed to know if its ok to kiss this guy without getting punched in the face

the whole thing about jamiazu is that jamil needs to learn how to trust azul (abd actually azul does as well but thats another can of worms that needs its seperate post) which is why i can only see it happen post-book6 jamil

once he learns to overcome his horrifying trust issues induced by his horrible job . thats when he kisses azul ^_^

i really went off topic with this post cuz it was supposed to be about a first kiss but i deserve to wtite paragraphs and be shameless i think

anyway my vision is: they’re hanging out alone in an unplanned place like maybe away from a scarabia party? maybe in the fucking hallways bathrooms away from classes? just not a planned date or anything because i have delusions (i feel like jamil would do it in an unplanned context on purpose). at first they’re just standing there alone with lots of tension, with azul trying to chat like he always does but jamil is deep in thought about how he feels about everything. jamil concludes that he is so tired of depriving himself of what he wants and of holding himself back. that he should go for that kiss because he deserves it ^_^ and azul explodes and dies……. u think about the rest…….

i hope you like my vision i should not be allowed to write crimge when sleep deprived ❤️❤️❤️

[chelfierambles]

About my personal relationship with attachments

Some reflection and venting of long-held feelings I’m finally getting off my chest.  Disclaimer, this isn’t about starting discussion or discourse. And though some things I’m gonna say have unfortunately involved real ppl in my life, this isn’t about others as it is about myself and my own relationship to this topic.  So yeah, pls don’t comment. And frankly, I don’t even really care if anyone reads this, I just need to write this for myself and say it in defiance to myself for staying silent for so long.

So yeah getting right to it then . . . . .

 This is a topic I’ve been, for a very long time, too fearful to talk about publicly.  In a strange way it feels like a coming-out post... like at this point I’d be more comfortable telling someone I’m trans then talking about how...

I’m a very unattached person.  

And it’s a weird, seemingly ridiculous thing to be ashamed about! And yet it is something I’ve held a deep silent shame over despite it being a very integral part of who I am that I took for granted.  I’ve vented about this occasionally behind closed doors to just my sibling from time to time, thinking it was just something I was uncomfortable with, but UUUUuuuuuuuuh after getting a universal butt-kicking, I now realize those little vents and rants weren’t little.  It was a serious sign that subconsciously, I was unhappy with something going on that I was unable to see at the time.

But what do I mean by unattached?     

By that I mean how much do you want to hold on to something? People, things, ideas and ideals.  Generally, I’m very stubborn with doing things a certain way, but when it no longer suits me, I have little trouble to make a complete 180 overnight.  Like as a kid I’d wear my hair a certain way for years, then one day, I just felt like cutting it and cut it off one day and just showed up with all of it chopped off. Cuz I felt like it.  That kind of attitude. I roll with things.  

And yeah that sounds fine and all, but then it gets sticky when people are involved. Both others, myself, things I’ve perceived about myself, how things are supposed or “should” be, think or feel. What’s the right or wrong way of doing things? I think there’s a tangled mess I got caught up with that made me ignore the kind of person I really am.   I had to end a close friendship I really cared about recently. Things happened. Things I felt wronged by. Things I fucked up (big time). And I look at it now and realize that so much of the issues wasn’t even about what happened but what has been underlying for a long time that I just couldn’t see until the whole mess unearthed everything about myself I never wanted to admit.  

Now I look back at it and I feel like a lot of my frustrations were born from me at a subconscious level already trying to leave a dynamic I wasn’t happy with and felt trapped by.  And it’s that dynamic of attachment that comes in different forms and different names.  

There’s several factors I think were at play.  My own standards I upheld myself to, my subconcious methods of interaction, and messages I internalized from outside and media representation.  For my own standards, I had my own rules to uphold for “How to be a good friend” that I followed by.  Always do your best, communicate, listen to what troubles the other person and when helping, try helping at the source as opposed to surface level comfort etc. Nothing wrong with this, but ultimately I wasn’t really good at figuring out when my own boundaries were being crossed by giving too much of myself (gotten better but still got a ways to go) or compromising on things I thought were compromiseable but now I realize actually... weren’t.   For interacting with others, I’ve always had a tendency to mirror. What you give me is what I give back.  Also sounds harmless. But once again, I realize by mirroring... I’m not actually behaving as I naturally would. I’m giving what I perceive is wanted on the other end. For someone who has a history of identity issues, this... is not ok to do to myself.   And then lastly, media representation. oh I have a bone to pick with this. I read so much bl so this trope is rampant, but I suppose this occurs in a lot of romance tropes in general. But... SO OFTEN is it portrayed that clingy jealous behavior is perceived as cute, a sign that someone really cares.  And whenever I read that I think about if it were to happen to me, I would nope so fast out of there. I don’t want to be clung on to by anybody.  If someone were to be jealous and possessive over me, I would feel trapped and chained up.  But it’s just happening so often in those narratives that all I see over and over again is someone being clingy and possessive is romantic. HNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn no. no it isn’t for me.   [Short side tangent here, this is not at all dissing these traits.  I’m not criticizing people who have these traits. I’m just saying how it’s not me, and not for me. ]

But ppl have different ways of showing affection. So what happens now when, I got my view of sticking by loyally and being good friend, while mirroring *someone else’s* means of affection, while getting messages over and over again that TO SHOW SOMEONE YOU CARE YOU HAVE TO SHOW HOW ATTACHED YOU ARE.   And being a good friend, having so early on hearing the other person’s fears of abandonment as: listen to friend’s woes, attack at source --> fear of abandonment means don’t do anything that can be perceived as abandonment --> WELP. CUE SWEATING NERVOUSLY AND SHOVE AWAY THAT DETAIL DEEP DOWN I’M NOT VERY ATTACHED TO THINGS IN GENERAL. And yes. People too. The closest people in my life, if life were to separate us, sure I can get lonely and miss people, (and I am very passionate with my feelings) But I go with the situation that’s in front of me. And so long as I know the other party is doing alright, I’m ok going on my merry way. I just want the best for the people around me, even if I’m not involved in it.  Best example of this, in grade school I had my close knit group of 3 other friends.  Like this was my besties group.  Come time for the first big decision of choosing a high school, *I CHOSE* to go to a different school than my other three friends who wanted to stick together.  I went with the school that seemed right for me. Like... that’s me.  I don’t have problems separating even from my closest family and friends.  

But now I just see... because I REALLY did care how the other person felt. because I REALLY did want to be the best person and friend I could possibly be. I wanted to make this person as happy as I could and ultimately that meant... not being true to myself. Because I was so so ashamed to admit that I just... didn’t care about things in the same way.  I was ashamed to not be the same. And during a really bad time, I’ve developed a feeling of responsibility over negative consequences that could happen if I slipped up.  I think that additional fear of what could happen and possibly physical harm or loss happening really solidified the need to hide these aspects of myself and this was the hardest to let go.   But as I’ve been working on myself for a while now, trying to becoming more true to myself,  and the more I do, the less I have been able to handle and go about things the way I used to.  Because thinking about it... it’s just such a fucked up thing TO DO TO MYSELF.  And I’m tired of living that way.  I’m tired of my own shit. Tired of thinking there’s something wrong with me because I don’t feel very attached even to the closest of people. And, true to my non-attached fashion, even my own ideals, I will throw them out overnight if they no longer work for me.  So that’s why, I’m spiting myself. The self that was too scared to say any of this. I’m going to just say it unapologetically. Get it out so I can finally move on.  I might have to relearn a lot of how I go about doing things now but I’m rather hopeful.  Once again proven that the more I do for myself the better it will be for the people around me anyway so I can avoid making the same mistakes again and communicate better (and faster if I actually.. ya know.. know what I want and don’t want).  I don’t want to live for anyone else anymore, I just want to live for myself, and live honestly. Own the fact I’m an un-attached person. Own the fact I roll and flow with whatever life brings. Never compromise on how important my space is to me.  Never compromise my own freedom.  Go back to being who I truly am.   AND HEY ZODIAC PEEPS SHOUTOUT TO FELLOW VENUS IN AQUARIUS! (<-- and that my friends, is the punchline to all this WHY THIS IS KINDA HILARIOUS) So yeah, that’s my spiel.  Get it out so I can let all this go and go back to just having fun again.