#i csnt ever be anything but hurt

[seraphimsinful]

I just know this will stick with me too. All night n day n night n day.

[treesbian]

mentally healthy person activities: start sobbing at how difficult you're finding something as simple as changing over laundry

[aroveins]

i am the poisoned blood running through my tired veins

[satansappendix]

fhrrrerrhrhghrgegheehehewehthete5eg

[v1vian-th3-f4nfic-wr1ter]

Pastor Jeff x Reader HCs (Crackfic??)

General Themes: Religion, Aftercare/Implied Sex, Cuddling, Kissing, Angst

Authors Note: Obession 1# in young sheldon, not kidding, maybe dr linkletter or hagenmeyer but he is number 1# (though connie is a good runner up)

Fluff

Anyways hes a religious man, he is a pastor so expect him not to be home in the afternoon unless you work with him, he is also goes on church retreats often so expect alot of alone time, though that doesnt stop any affections from him, he always calls you to make sure you are safe and okay because he loves you more than Jesus himself

But when he has his day off? Expect sex, he is a pastor but when he wants it, he wants it, also very gentle mind you, also he is very clingy afterwards, loves you and your body is just a plus to him, anyways he gives the best aftercare, sometimes he doesnt even take care of himself, he wants you to be comfortable, though when you dont want to, hes chill with it but makes up with it by being overly affectionate

Speaking of he loves kissing you anywhere when you want, how you want and where you want, he is also very big on consent, if you dont like touching, the most he will do without asking is a hug or a chaste kiss on your cheek really, but when you allow him to kiss you passionately, he will pin you to the nearest wall and hold your neck, that is if you are married, if not dont expect it much outside when he asks or when you are engaged

Cuddling this man feels like hugging a warm and soft stick/twig, i imagine him to be thin and slim but also tall and has long limbs, especially his arms, he could wrap his arms around you twice around your waist if you are small enough, speaking of which he finds it cute youre shorter if you are, he loves picking you up when you allow him to

Also loyal as can be, wont even look at a woman unless its for work or something important ot just yknow being the pastor, he will die by you or die before he even thinks of cheating, if you break his heart, its fine, as long you are happy and live peacefully

Semi-angst

If you ever cheat on him, he wouldnt do anything, he would just let it happen and wont bat an eye, but the bottle isnt large enough to hold his feelings, eventually he will explode at you and it will always end with you breaking up or divorcing and you moving out, and him drinking his heart out until he passes out and forgets the night, it haunts him forever and will probably stay single until he dies

He wouldnt complain if you did something to him, just as long you didnt bottle it up, he will take it to his grave, even if it hurt him, he will suck it up, he loves you too much to let go of the fleeting feelings of love in general, hurt him as much as you please, he wouldnt say a thing

Hes insecure of himself all around, low self esteem and all, he knows he shouldnt envy others for having your attention, but he just have a gut feeling he csnt get rid of that you will leave him some day and leave him all alone by himself, thats also a reason for him being a bit of a pushover and letting things happen, hes a pastor, alot of things get past him, no matter hoe much it hurts him to see it happen

Also a bit toxic and possesive, he loves you and wants you to be happy but he cant bear to see you with another person, because hes not the type to care for himself and cares about others...unless they flirt with you in that case they are never ever going to enter or step foot in his church ever, a yandere of sorts i guess?

[unicornsaures]

urrrhhhhhvggggg i try not to make vent posts a whole ton but alas, ya girl is not doing so hot

tw// sh😁

guys do not do what i did and like. purposely trigger yourself with your own sh from a year ago because oh my god in. its. i feel so absolutely fake my scars were so much worse last year and now theyre just gone and i thought i was fully recovered its bren a year and. and im still crying over it and i thought i was done crying over it. I thought i was done crying over literal scars and i was. i mean i thought i was exaggerating when i said the closrr i get to the date ill br one year clean its getting worse and. nope! no, no that checks out!!

Its all my fault i got triggered in the first placr too. I knew what i had in my eyes only wnd i knew that checking it would only make me spiral and here i am just. crying over it. its sending me back to last year where its i just its only oj my hod i csnt be doing this again i really csnt be doingthis again ive bren doing so well and then. and i dont want to i really dont but im still tjinking about it and im still telling myself i want to but i dont i never did i always wanted to say ive been 1 year clean but i dont think ill rver even be able to make it to that point if i keeo self sabotaging like this. i mean t barely even counts ive basically just replaced cvtting with eevry other unhealthy coping mechanism under the sun but i should be better than this i shouldnt rven be thinking sbout it i shouldnt even be thinking that i can go back i shoulfny be in this situation at all and if it werent for me i wouldnt even be in this situation in the first placr ebcause i dont know how to keep myself away from tjings that i really need to stay away from

i really shouldnt be caught ip on this but its. i was. i was thinking aboht whag would happen if i would look back on photots earlier and and i knew i wouldnt be okay with it i knew i would snap the moment i did and wow its almost like forced recov only made me feel guilty for it and ohmygod kill me now i should be better than this i should be better than thjs ive had crisis called so many times ive been threatened by my parents for this so many times im worrying eveyrone around me and im only getting worse and everyone has to wastch me spiral but they cant do anything because im jsut too fucking oblivious to my own issues but im just too scared to readh out to anyone because how am i gonna say that i triggered myself without sounding like i planend this i didnt i swear i didnt plan to break down over this i promise i didnt mean for it i didnt want to cry over it i dont want to think abiut it anf i dont want to go back ive been doing sowell i swear im just worrying rveryone i dont want everyone to start checking in on mr in the morning just to make sure im still alive i font want people to messagr me in the middle of the night to make sure im not dead im so sorry ik so sorry

im just as tired as i was last year the only difference is thst im not actively trying to kill myself over it even if i really. wiuld like to thats besides the point the point is im just as weak of a girl as i was last year but last year i could at least hanfle pain now i just fucking snap whenever someone raises their voice or whenever i get. acut i break down and whenever i get hurt it only reminds me of the past 4 years that ive spent doing nothing but putting myself through mental hell and im realizing tbat ill never get begger i cant get better ive bren trying and i just csnt

i cant do it ive tried ive been trying why am i not getting anywhere why am i still stuck on the thought of sh i shouldnt be thinking about it i shouldnt miss it i shouldnt be upset that my scars are faded i shouldnt still have the ideas and images swirling aorund in my head because theyre always there and ill always have these scars and ill always br fucked ip and i wont ever be able to fix it ive had so many people worry and theyre worrying and worrying and i just dont care im such a horrible person i

i shiuldvr stopped for my parents they had to skin check me dsily for almodt a year straight and here i am just fucking itching to go grab something, literally anything just to go back and in so stupid im so stupid i did this to myself and im still being a pussy about it i shouldnt be thinming abiut it i shouldnt be crying over it whats wrong withme

[gvmdisease]

health rant bc now i’m feeling extra icky

my everything hurts so so much it’s bette than it was yesterday but fuck it’s still so bad i can barely raise my arms over my head bc my shoulders hurt so bad and aren’t moving right i got up to see my mom bc she was yelling at me to come see her and my back neck wrists and hips all popped and cracked and i also lost my vision when i stood up too my chest pains haven’t been too bad and neither my disney i mean it’s the normal but the pain in my joints are just not good and i’ve been meant to clean and shower and i’ve barely been able to get out of bed i’ve had like 2 liters of water and have had two meals but doing each of those things drained me so much im really really trying to not let this shit get to me but god it’s so fuckign hard i was told that if i gave all of my new meds and supplements a week i’d feel so much better and it hasn’t helped at all if anything i feel worse they’ve helped me sleep better but even then when i wake up i still feel exhausted and the pain hasn’t stopped it hasn’t gotten better nothings happened my mom told me to wait a week and it would get better my dad and my doctor told me that too and at this point im losing hope that things will get better that i’ll ever start to feel better this is exhausting i hear ppl joke about being disabled and i hear ppl say they wish they could have the things disabled ppl do but this is exhausting mentally and physically physical therapy??? yeah i got six fucking visits and then my insurance stopped covering it bc “i didn’t need it” and how much is it three hundred fucking dollars a visit i was supposed to go two days a week until i was more stable i can’t get a can i csnt get crutches my parents think im being dramatic i can’t miss school snymore and all i want to do now is fucking cry that’s all i do at this point it always makes the pain worse but what am i meant to do im practically a fucking kid who has debilitating pain and it’s so normal his parents don’t even care i missed all of ostara which is a holiday i celebrate a full fucking week and i didn’t get to celebrate at all im so fucking tired of this never ending loop of pain and i try not to talk about it i do bc no one needs to hear it but fuck every fucking second of my life for the past three years has been in pain my first day of school this year was spent trying not to cry bc i forgot to wear my knee braces and had to limp my way around school im overall just fucking done i’ve relapsed i’ve cried i’ve wanted to attempt again over this fucking shit bc nothings helping tylenol and ibuprofen barley even fucking work anymore like what the hell i fucking hate this and i wish i would just fucking stop but it won’t bc most likely this will be my life until i’m dead and haha it’s so fucking funny not being able to hang out with your friends anymore it’s so fucking funny barley being able to reply to texts i’m a fucking kid i don’t fucking need this i’m failing almost everything rn trying to manage my home life my pain and school and it’s obviously not working out fuck if that stupid fucking attempt would have worked i wouldn’t have to be here going through this fucking pain this wouldn’t be my fucking life i hate seeing all of my friends hang out with ppl do things that make them happy i hate seeing my friends able to bind their chest everyday or most days and ik that’s selfish but fuck i lost most of my life to this shit i lost almost everything i was passionate about to this hospitals and doctors are nothing new to me but seeing no one have answers or giving me false answers takes a toll on you after a while

anyway sorry if you read this i’m just feeling icky my pain won’t go down and it’s not a fun time

[n4melessb0y]

i don’t understand why i think this way, why i feel this way. but i’ll try to push these scary thoughts away. i try to keep busy and ponder about me and you, my lover— though it’s hard to be here for me i’ll always push myself to wake up and get out of bed and live till i can. there are a lots of things i think about and especially at night, i take my meds to force my tiredness out. most are not good. slowly but surely, i slowly fall asleep and lose count on how many deep breathes i took. i feel so unaware in my sleep. heavy. yet i still feel and see. there are times where it’s so hard for me to look in the mirror. i know they said i looked great but honestly, i have to disagree, i’d like to think i’m pretty but that’s not what i feel especially when people turn their heads to look at me in such strange ways how can you say that? and sure i shoudlnt really think about what other people have to think or say, but fuck it doesnt even matter cus i only care about what i think and i think i’m my biggest not so fan. i wouldn’t say hater so i won’t use that. i’m just not a fan of me. i’m so sick of being misgendered, which is common. i get that i look fem even though my voice cracks and is raspy in the worst way possible thst i try not to listen to myself and avoid singing or calls not unless i am drunken and feel lightheaded because of the alcohol running through my bloodstreams. i could care less then. i crave to feel numb most days but i don’t want to be alone. i don’t want to push people away but at the same time, i struggle to socialize and talk. things hurt or i just don’t feel or have the energy to do much, then i’ll feel lonely if i don’t do anything. it’s so unfair. i know i complain a lot here. barely irl, i just couldn’t let my frustrations out, some days i feel so numb that even if i masturbate at night i don’t feel aroused, i barely do and i fear that once i’m with my lover, i won’t ever feel aroused at all. i don’t know why i feel that way, it’s really weird and hard, i feel like i don’t make them feel good too. i try my best and all but i feel like it’s not enough or maybe i just need reassurance. everyday gets by and my mind runs to a million of questions or worries. just thinking of the future makes me i’ll. not that i don’t want to try, i do. it just sickens me how things are. if only we can live the way we wanted to comepletely. i don’t really know what i wanna do besides escape this feeling forever. that’s all there is to it. i’m so tired of pretending that the world isn’t cruel, that life isn’t hard and that everything is okay when it isn’t. i don’t know what to do, to feel better, if cigs and beer, meds and sleep and food csnt fix it i think i’m doomed, to top that i want to die. not in the way you think, but when i am free and ready.

[chainedtothedarkness]

just hurts when i csnt make tgem happy or help them how i wish i could. i guess, since even platonically nothing i say or do ever helps in the long run... everyone still feels alone and doubt their importance, i literally am not any good for anyone.... im just a trapped person who cant do anything haha... im not really real

[brok3n-gl4ss]

i hate her.

“you look like a (girl’s name).”

“wow, you look so… feminine…”

“yea, because you SMELL BAD.”

“why are you mad? huh? cus i spoke up?”

why cant she understand what she does?

why doesn’t she get how much she hurts me with her words, stinging me like a knife and stabbing me like a bee?

i wish she understood what she said. i wish she understood my struggle. i wish she knew.

i wish she wasn’t so nice to everyone else, i wish she didn’t just “dislike” the man who sexually assaulted me.

she should hate him! everyone fucking should! but no, because he was nice to HER, why should it FUCKING matter?

same with her dumb little boyfriend! it doesn’t matter how many slurs he says, how homophobic he is, how bitchy he is to me— it doesn’t matter! he’s HOT! right?!

that’s how it FUCKING WORKS, isn’t it ?

i wish she knew what they all did to me. i wish she understood how horrible it was.

i wish she didn’t tell me how she lost 30 pounds starving, then blackmail me into eating.

“i just wish you’d take care of yourself!”

I FUCKING TRY, YOU DIPSHIT. I TRY, OKAY?

“i’ll tell your mom.”

and you’ll never come over again. you’ll never tackle me again, or record me doing something to send to my boyfriend, or whisper about me to him then kater tell me it’s ‘not my buisness.’

i hate how she pretends to care, so much, but all she does it make me feel like SHIT.

“we are eating today. got it? or i’ll tell him everythjng.”

all i did was drink some fucking milk, but did you pay attention? no. you weren’t looking. you don’t actually care.

you never did.

he’s right, you know. you are annoying. you are a bitch. your rude, insensitive, and only pretend to care about others, because the moment someone calls you out it’s THEIR fucking fault. because why would it eVER BE HER FAULT?

he’s right, ya know! your stupid, and rude, and i hate your face, and your voice, and how you “love my stims” unless it’s anything other then hand flapping. or how you know what happened to me bc you still carress me when i’m ALREADY panicking.

or how you disrespect my ocd. or how you think my adhd is stupid. or how you don’t respect me, or how you ignore my boundries, or how you call me a GIRL, or how you even forget my fucking name.

i don’t want you near me. i hate you, so much. and i hate that you made me build friendships around you so i can’t leave. i hate how i cant have a friend to myself without them being “kinda…”

i hate how i cant be myself. i hate how you act when i stim, i hate how you laugh at me, i hate when you call me out, i hate when you tell others my personal buisness, i hate when your “honest with your parents”, i hated when you sent me porn, i hated when you showed me hentai.

i. hate. her.

and i wish i could tell her that without her blaming it on me.

notice the moment she got mad at me, she started spreading rumors about me. it took her seconds

noticd how every friend group i have now talks to HER. all of them. i cant go one period mad at her without her hugging me forcefully or her reminding me “i’m a boy” only when it suits her.

i hate her.

what i really hate is myself, and how she highlights how worse i am, and how she mocks me, and how she tries to make me the ugly friend.

i hate how she feeds into my disorders but get mad when i show symptoms.

i hate how she won’t fucking listen.

i didn’t want to eat lunch because i ate fucking breakfast. i knew that lunch would make me throw up. i hate how she guilts me into things. i actually ate! and because she wouldn’t fucking listen to me, i lost that.

i hate how she cares about losing her virginity before me, how she makes it a contest, and how she makes it everyone’s buisness.

i hate how i csnt have my own problems, my own friends, or anything without her “needing the tea” or “feeling left out”.

i hate how i cant tell her i was sexually assaulted for years because she was almost raped.

and that’s my problem. she knows i have trauma, and what does she do? giggle and tell me her traumatic expirences. invalidate mine. what’s her problem?

does she hate me?

or am i annoying little jasper who follows her friends around?

i took her in when others wouldn’t cus they hated her.

they HATED her like they HATED me.

and now i just hate myself more.

little ‘cumdump’ max, right? because that’s what she likes to call me. i’m a whore for sitting with my legs not clenched together, but i look like i’m horny if i have them closed.

i look cute in a skirt but i’m trying to hard to be a boy in jeans.

i fucking hate that she’s never there for me.

and i hate that im always there for her.

[d1sgraces]

what are u supposed to do when u dont have anyone else to talk to about this. i mean i do but hes busy and i cant put this on him. what are u supposed to do when all their friends are all ur friends too. what are u supposed to do when it hurts so fucking badly but killing urself would be manipulative.

im always left behind. every single fucking person in the past has left me behind. they all abandon me. i think that says a lot about who i am as a person. not worth enough to keep around. not good enough to find a different solution. i wonder if it would be easier to tell me they dont need me anymore than do this.

im the common variable. im the one they all abandon. so it isnt farfetched to assume its always mt fuckiing FAULT.

ITS ALWAYS MY GOD DAMN FAULT AND I GET LEFT BEUIND EVERY TIME BECAUSE OF IT I CANT CHANGE I CANT GET BETTER AND I HURT EVERYONE I LOVE BECAUSE I CSNT FUCKING CHANGE AND NO ONE LOVES ME ENOUGH TO TRY TO HELP ME NO ONE HAS EVER LOVED ME ENOUGH FOR THAT BECAUSE IM WORTHLESS AND NO ONE FUCKING NEEDS ME

theres no point anymore. theres no point in anything now

[waste-0f-spacee]

.

[x-tylerr]

you do realize you csnt like two people? They arent both going to be with you.

Bet they’re loving the fact that there is only a 50% chance of them ever being able to be anything with you

You're embarrassing yourself anon. Like fr.

First of all- poly is a thing. (They aren't into that but I'm just saying that you CAN date/like more than one person)

I'm not playing games with them. I'm honest about my relationship history and how I'm not completely ready. I'm single and enjoy their company. I'm not making promises. I'm not making them fight over me. I'm not trying to start any drama. Moth and Kitty mean a lot to me. I like their energy a lot. And what i/we do is none of your business.

I understand I post shit and share things with y'all but there is a limit and boundaries that anons like you need to respect. That's all I ask of you guys.

Stop trying to make this into something more when it's really harmless. They can block me if I fuck up or truly hurt their feelings. This is the internet. They can easily remove themselves from this situation and so can I.

[dead-inside-cx]

Dabihawks au: Okay so taking the Dabi is Touya and the childhood friends theroy. Im adding to it in a sense. So Dabihawks were dating before Touya became Dabi and before Hawks fully became well Hawks.

Hawks never got over Touya and it shows. The commission told him that no matter what he had to he had to join the league even hinting towards seducing Dabi.

Hawks didnt of course. Since he would be loyal to Touya. So he meets Dabi and he sorta freezes cause his eyes remind him so much of Touya.

Hawks tries to ignore the nagging feeling and the memories of Touya and focus on the mission.

Time passes and he gets in with the league. He managed to do it without flirting with Dabi as well. He finds comfort in being with Dabi, Hawks thinks it cause he reminds him so much of Touya when hes not being a crazy villain, but Hawks kinda likes when he is.

One night hes hanging with the league and they are all drinking. Toga asks if Hawks has ever been in love cause thats something she would ask.

Hawks goes quiet before giving her a sad smile. "Never stopped." Is all he says because its true. Even if Touya is dead and gone he wont stop loving him.

He didnt notice the way Dabi tensed up or looked away from him. He didnt notice the pained expression in Dabis eyes. The guilt he felt.

Toga tries to get more answers and Hawks almost surivies her intense questioning. Almost. "We were childhood friends. We fell in love, dated and then one day...One day he was just gone...Ill never forget the smile he gave me before he left that day. Or the way he said I love you. Neither of us knowing it woukd be the last time." Hawks didnt cry. He hadnt cried since he found out Touya was dead, but that night he just sobbed.

No one brings it up again. Which Hawks is thankful for, but Dabi begins to avoid him.

Which sucks since Hawks was close to him. He tries to confront him but Dabi threatens to burn him if he doesnt leave him alone. So he does.

Dabi was pissed at himself which is he was avoiding Hawks. He never realized how much he hurt Hawks. He just figured he would move on, find someone new. Plus Dabi was really enjoying hanging out with Hawks again so hes sulking over his choice to avoid him.

Toga notices how Dabi is sulking and tries to fix it. She confronts him and since Dabi jas a hard time saying no to the girl he just gibes an excuse, and mentions Hawks.

Now Toga thinks hes jealous. Jealous that Hawks loves someone who is dead. So she makes it her mission to set them up.

She even gets everyone else involved. So one day they manage to lock Dabi and Hawks in a room together. "Burn it down and Ill decay your ass." Shigaraki threatens and Dabi just isnt in the mood to deal with that so he gives in and just stays in the room with Hawks.

Hawks is so confused. He honestly thought something was wrong since he calles over for an emergency.

Its silent for so long before Hawks breaks the silence. "Youve been avoiding me. Did I do something wrong?" Hawks was still confused about that.

Dabi just glares at him. "Its none of your business." Hawks just holds his hands up in surrender.

Its silent again. "Why are you still in love with a dead guy?" Dabi then asks. Hes curious. Hawks wasnt expecting that just stares at him.

"Its a simple question." Dabi rolls his eyes. Hawks brain seems to catch up and he shrugs. "He saw me for me. Never made me out to just be a hero. Made me feel loved for the first time in forever. I csnt not still love him." (My brain died before I could think of what else to say). So Hawks just rambles on and on about Touya.

The guilt eating away at Dabi and he just snaps. "YOU SHOULDN'T STILL LOVE ME!" Stopping Hawks in his tracks. He wanted to ask what he meant but it wasnt hard to figure out. "Oh." Is all Hawks can say because he's figured it out. "Just stop loving me. If you know whats good for you Hawks you'll fucking stop." Dabi tells him.

Hawks has so many questions but he doesnt get the chance. The league come back and Dabi leaves quickly. "What did Dabi do?" Toga demands. Hawks hadnt even realized he was crying.

Hawks then leaves and doesnt return to the league for a while. He gives text updates and phone calls but hes not there. He needed time to process but once he did it made everything so much worse. So many unanswered questions, so much pain.

Hawks is overworking himself. He doesnt understand anything. But all he can do is just work. So he does, and it fucks him.

Hes in the middle of a villain fight and he gets hurt. He brushes it off but god hes so tired and hes hurt but if he stops the thoughts wont stop. So he brushes it off.

He keeps fighting but it gets to much and he falls. His body giving out on him. Hes saved before he hits the ground. He doesnt know who saves him but he remembers warmth before passing out.

He wakes up a few days later, Dabi by his side. Dabi goes off on him, demanding to know why he wasnt taking breaks, sleeping/taking care of himself. Hawks doesnt really know what hes doing but he kisses Dabi.

Dabi is startled but leans into it. They pull away. Dabi is kinda in a daze but quickly snaps out of it. He demands to know what Hawks was doing overowkring himself.

"Easier that way. To many questions. To much pain. Had to make it stop somehow." Dabi just ends up holding him. Eventually he tells him the truth.

Dabi ends up follwoing Hawks around when he's out and about after that. Since he and Hawks are still kinda together he claims its cause hes being a caring boyfriend, but in reality hes terrified. Terrified Hawks will over work himself again. Terrified Hawks will die.

Hawks doesnt complain. Hes still reeling over knowing the truth. Over having Touya back.

It takes time but the two manages to fix their relationship that to be fair wasnt really broken. Toga gets excited seeing them together thinking it was all her. Neither had the heart to tell otherwise.

Hawks ends up joining the league for real and while theres a lot of work to be done everything just seems perfect. He has Touya back and honestly thats all that matters. (I dunno I wanted to add more to this but I just couldnt think of the words)

[verysataniic]

to anyone who's ever fucking touched me

I hate you.

I hate this fucking feeling.

i cant shower or wash my hands enough, the filthy fucking feeling never fucking goes away. i want you gone. I want you all out of my fucking mind. please go away.

I can't stand to fucking look at myself.

I never wanted any of it I just wanted to be liked.

I wanted to feel fucking wanted.

or loved.

or fucking,

something. I don't know.

i have the best boyfriend i could ask for at the moment, and im always terrified that hes going to leave because you all fucking left as soon as you said you wouldn't. you all made me feel worthless and the feeling never went away.

all I ever fucking was to any of you was a hole to fuck

or, sorry, that's vulgar. I was a pillow princess.

and, to the very first one.

I hope you rot.

I was 9.

NINE FUCKING YEARS OLD.

3 people know.

I don't remember any of you. only your voice.

and your smell.

I hardly remember my fucking childhood from before that. I repressed you, and the rest of everything. I didn't wanna lose all of that. I barely remember anything before 2015.

I wish I was fucking normal.

I'm so fucking tired of people telling me I'm weird cuz I can't be around weed.

or that I don't like to be touched.

I've lost friends over it, you know?

I had a friend stick her hand up my shirt and try to tickle me and had a really bad episode in result.

i dont want to be like this. why the fuck did you touch me. i cant tell anyone about it because i csnt fucking trust people and i hate it i don't want to fucking be like this.

im on the phone with my boyfriend rn. he's asleep, & I have myself muted cuz I'm crying so hard I can't breathe. he doesn't deserve this. I had a meltdown earlier cuz I can't shake the filthy feeling anymore it went away for a while and I've never felt that good but it's fucking back and it won't go away it's always there I want to boil myself alive.

I don't want to exist like this anymore.

everything hurts.

[jojonokimyounaboukeneyesofheaven]

please change hr mind if u see this guy please change ur mind i need u so mucu why are u doing this, i knew this was coming

i told myself for so long that u did love me like i loved u but i feared deep down cahse i know u dudnt i even brought it up to u n u disuaded my fears and like why Why why would u lie to me do u know how often uve hurt me n i just let it slip because of how much i loved u because of how much i worshipped the ground u walked on u will never find someone as devoted to u as i was i Hope u know that i hope u never find love again but i know u will and i hate u for it Why canr i ever have anything nice i put all this effort moving for You because i knew u couldnt love me itherwise and then u just throw me jn the mud and let me aqualor u were always looking for a way out im sure u have been for the past year or so cause thats really genuinely when i started to feel ur love fade and u finally found ine why did u lead me on for so long why did u let me do this why couldnt u have just stayed longer why couldnt u ever help me i would have done anything for u and u know that but i always had to beg and plead and now ur just leaving me here with a knife in me and u feel content u feel like ur soing the right rhing and i hate that uve rhined me u e ruined my life uve ruined everything i ever wantes for us and u think u are doing me a favor for the first time in our life together u finally Felt like Doing something nice and this is it this is what u think niceness is is to kill me ? i hate that i loved u i hate that u fid this to me u want to still be friends and like that cant happen all the abuse u put me thru and then ending our relationship out of nowhere ? i smiled thru the abuse for u cahse i knew u were better than that because i knew somewhere u did love me as i did too n that u just had ur problems like everyone else did i hope whoever finds u next makes u suffer for once u never ever ever will i forgive u for what u did and what uve done to me now i asked u for so long to just Give me a hand let me have somewhere to rest and u. oukdnt even do thatn then u told me it was alfrom a place of love i hate u i love u i have u i love u fuck u Fuck u i fucking hope u rot i csnt fucking believe u i wish i could kill my self bht i wont i know i cant but god do i wish i fucking could i wish i could and i wish i could show u my brains splattered on the fucking wall i wish every moment u closed ur eyes ud see my head in just a pulp but ud be able to recognize it was me and ud know that u did this cause u never could grow up and do angthing for me go fuck urself i hate u i hate u so fucking musch why couldnt u just love me i wanted everything for us i wantes to get fucking married dude i wanted us to raise a kid i wanted to be able to sit at the table and eat dinenr together after work and talk about our days and be able to hold ur hand at movie theaters and lay our heads on eachother at the bus and i hate that uve left me with nothing i hope u die i hope u see that dude get ran over by a train that i know u were always so afraid of seeing i hope that that dead bumb u saw in an alley comes and haunts ur stupid ass why couldnt u just love me back for once why couldnt u just do something Nice.. why are u like this