#i cried so much i gave myself a migraine apparently

[changif]

gn... my heart is so full and i love skz forever and ever

[epicadventuresofyuu]

The Jamil/Yuu fic is getting too long so I'll have to split it into 2 chapters but in the meantime here's two sections I wrote a bit ago that I adore

How did he fall in love with a reckless idiot? He's standing outside of Ramshackle dorm with Yuu, shaking them like a rattle while he glares at the entrance. "You gave up the dorm as collateral?"

"Ok, in my defense, I didn't know they would hold onto it!" Yuu raises their hands up to try and steady themself. "I thought I could still sleep in it at least."

Jamil sighs, the familiar signs of a migraine forming as he places his head on Yuu's shoulder. Too frustrated to form any coherent sentence, he settles for some of their usual remarks. "You're a clown. The entire goddamn circus. What made you think giving up your dorm was a good idea?"

"I didn't know they'd hold onto it." Yuu repeats, placing a hand on his back. "I'll be alright. It's just for a few days anyway."

"And if it's not just for a few days?"

He could feel Yuu smirk without even having to look up. "Well then, I guess Kalim will finally have his dream of me being a permanent Scarabia student."

"Don't joke about that." Jamil grumbles, finally pulling away and resisting the urge to stay there forever. Now isn't the time. "Is there anything I can do to help?"

Yuu shakes their head. "Nah, this is something I gotta do myself. You already have a lot on your plate anyways."

Kalim always has to come first, is what Yuu wouldn't say aloud. They knew, deep down somewhere, that Jamil had other priorities. They knew they couldn't come first. If only they knew how badly he wants to change that.

"Oi, Yuu!"

"Henchman! I brought the duo!"

Ace and Grim's loud voices are heard as they run up to them. Jamil takes a few steps back as Ace and Deuce tackle Yuu into a tight hug. Grim follows closely behind and jumps onto their shoulder.

"Yuu… thank you so much!" Deuce cries.

"We'll make it up to you, don't worry! You can sleep with us, no problem, we'll figure something out with Riddle."

As they began discussing living arrangements for Yuu and Grim, Jamil found himself sticking to the side again, purposefully moving out of the way for their… partners? What exactly was their relationship anyways? Either way, he blends into the background, becoming nothing as Ace and Deuce begin brainstorming ways to get Yuu into Heartslabyul. He knows it'll never work— there's been no free space in Heartslabyul ever since Riddle was in charge— and takes the opportunity to suggest Scarabia.

"I'm positive Kalim wouldn't mind—"

"I'll get Leona to let you stay in Savanaclaw."

When did Jack get there? Jamil holds his tongue, doing everything he could to keep his face the epitome of neutrality. He doesn't miss the way Yuu's eyes light up.

"Thanks, Jack!"

"Would Leona even want us there?" Grim asks.

"Well, I figure he owes you guys anyway. He's gotta take responsibility for what he did and I think this is a good way for him to do it." Jack answers, and apparently that's good enough of an answer for everyone. His suggestion is cast aside as Ace and Deuce begin teasing Jack for being a softie. He's not sure Yuu even heard him.

He forces himself to believe it's fine as Yuu waves goodbye and leaves him standing in front of the dorm. He sighs, leaning against the creaky gate as he watches them walk towards Mirror Hall. 

"Great Seven, give me strength." he mutters to himself. All he can do is watch and wait.

And pray. Definitely pray.

———

Jamil finds it's been increasingly difficult to try and sleep when he's aware Yuu is three days away from potentially losing their dorm. Kalim would take them in without a doubt, but he's more worried about the part of the contract where they'll be under Azul's thumb. If he was dumb enough to try and help them out, Azul would no doubt the and coerce him into making a deal to free them. 

Would he sign it knowing the risks? He doesn't know. All he knows is the ache in his chest as he imagines them sleeping in Savanaclaw of all places. He should've spoken up. Exhausted, Jamil gives up on trying to sleep and heads to the kitchen. A glass of water would be nice.

He stops midway when he hears footsteps. An intruder? This late at night? Holding back a sigh, he presses his back against the wall to remain hidden in the shadows. Peering over, his reflexes kick in when he finds himself face to face with someone. While hard to see in the dark, he recognizes the squeak the intruder lets out and stops halfway, his outstretched hand only lightly touching Yuu's face.

"Glad to know I'm so welcomed." Yuu laughs, interlocking fingers with his. "I probably scared you. Sorry."

"It's… fine." Jamil settles on saying, his eyes focused on their hands. "I thought you were staying in Savanaclaw?"

"I am, but I wanted a glass of water and—" they let go of his hand to fix their glasses "—I wanted to see you too."

Oh. There's that feeling again. Instead of voicing his concerns, his worries, his love— his brain decides the better option is "Can you get back into Savanaclaw this late at night?"

Yuu didn't think about that judging by the way their eyes widened. They wave it off. "Another sleepover?"

Normally, he'd be against it. Now? He wants nothing more than to have them in his sight. "I'll allow it. Let's get some water first." he sighs, leading them to the kitchen. Absent-mindedly, he can't help but think about how suddenly his hands grew cold without their touch.

[tirednerd2012]

I thought of a way Kirk could feasibly appear in EIGTBO. Suppose his mom kicks out his dad when he's younger, but he still grows up to be violent and sadistic, so she's finally forced to kick him out too and forbids him from seeing Luke. Luke and Ian and some other kids play together when Kirk shows up planning to kidnap Luke. Barley's able to save him, but Kirk takes Ian in retaliation. Later he offers Barley an ultimatum: bring Luke to him, or he'll never see Ian again.

So, Imma try this. Luke and Ian are both, let's say 8 at this time because Jenny and Leo will be featured in the story, but Jenny and Barley won't be engaged or anything. Since there is so much trauma, this will be broken up and explored more as Ian and Barley get some much needed therapy. Also the beginning will have another story because this was going to be a great day for the brothers and I need fluff later.

Barley heard a child crying and someone dragging the kid by their arm. The kid desperately tried to get free. His mind went to worst case. A playground. A bunch of kids. This was an attempted kidnapping.

He didn't hesitate to rock that guy's shit and then call the police.

Turns out the guy, Kirk Jones, had a restraining order against him from his little brother, the boy, Luke. The police promised Barley that the mother would be called and that would be that. He took Ian's hand and left because he couldn't stop shaking.

Barley had a splitting headache the next week. He could hardly keep his eyes open and even the sound of Leo and Ian playing quietly in the next room made it feel like his head was about to bust open.

"Barley," Jenny said and kissed the top of his head, "I can take the boys out to the park or something. You get some sleep. You've been working a lot and probably just tired."

He forced himself to make eye contact with her, even though the room felt too bright. He nodded and she kissed him again.

"Get some sleep," she said softly and he laid back down on his bed. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

A few minutes later he heard his bedroom door creak open. He opened his eyes again and saw Ian with a glass of water. His little brother placed it on his bedside table.

He looked over apologetically as he saw Barley awake.

"I- um, you always bring me water when I'm not feeling good," he said and Barley chuckled, forcing himself to ignore his migraine and ruffled his brother's hair and then kissed the top of his head.

"Thanks, bud, go have fun. I love you."

"I love you, too," Ian said and then gave Barley a quick hug before leaving. The moment Barley put his head on the pillow, he was out.

Until he woke up to the worst call of his life.

"Barley? Barley, I need you get to the police station. Now," Jenny said. Barley could hear the panic and sobbing in her voice and his heart stopped. He jumped up from the bed and immediately grabbed his keys.

"Jen? What's wrong? Are you okay? Are the boys?"

She sobbed harder.

"Someone just attacked us. He grabbed me from behind by my hair and the boys tried to help but-" she cried more and Barley felt the tears forming in his eyes as he got out to his van and immediately started it up.

"Jen, what happened?"

"He took Ian. Barley, he took him and I don't even know where we are and Leo is hurt and won't wake up and Barley, you need to get to the police station. Now. Some officers tracked my phone and are coming now. Oh God."

"Jen, listen to me," Barley said, trying to keep his voice steady but his mind kept repeating everything to him. Ian was gone. Ian was missing. Leo and Jen are hurt and they didn't know where they were. Ian was gone. Dear God Ian was gone.

"Barley."

"I'm on my way to the station. Did you get a look at the guy?" he asked.

The next few days would be the worst of his life, yet they blurred together. Each dragged on and he felt like he was going to die. He'd rather have died than felt the pain he felt those next few days.

Ian tried to move out of the cage, but the older boy who smelled like alcohol was scaring him. He paced back and forth around the cage, occasionally screaming and then kicking it.

Ian's crying annoyed the boy apparently.

"Just stop! He's not coming!" the boy yelled. "Your brother isn't coming and even if he does, I'm going to kill him."

"Barley is coming for me! And I'd hate to be you when he gets here!" Ian snapped and the guy opened the cage and yanked Ian up. He didn't hit him, just yanked him hard and forced him close. Ian winced at the stench of rum.

"Then where is he? You've been here a day, kid. And he's not here."

"He's looking."

"No, he ain't. Because he doesn't give a shit about you," the boy said and Ian felt his stomach turn at that idea, but he knew that wasn't true. Barley would never give up on him.

"You wouldn't come for your little brother?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because my little brother decided to stay with my mom. He turned his back on me. He's better off dead than with that woman," the boy snapped as he threw Ian on the ground, but didn't do anything else. He played with the knife in his hands and Ian wanted to run, but the boy was right in between him and the door.

Barley, please, hurry.

"Then why do you care about seeing him again?"

"Because he needs discipline in his life and she's not going to give it to him."

"What does that have to do with Barley?" Ian asked and the boy knelt down beside him.

"Because your brother doesn't understand his role in life and he needs to learn to mind his own business."

Two days. It had been two days and no one could find Ian. Kirk was off somewhere no one knew about. The police were doing the bare minimum to help and Barley couldn't think straight.

His foot was on the gas pedal as he drove, nowhere in particular, because being on the road was better than being home. It was better than Ian's empty bedroom and the silence. It was better than hearing Jenny cry and not having the strength to provide her comfort. It was better than watching Frank drink.

Everything was falling apart and Barley kept running over and over in his head that it had been two damn days since he last saw his brother. Last heard his laugh. Played with him.

Ian was gone. And had Barley been there, he could have saved him.

Barley was so lost in his mind he didn't notice when a unicorn jumped onto the road. He slammed his brakes, almost flipping his car over and the case file the police gave him flew everywhere and the phone book dropped on the floor.

He didn't wrap his head around the experience at all.

He looked at the piece of paper then looked in the phonebook. Only one Jones surprisingly. Rebecca Jones.

And it had an address. Barley took a deep breath, said a quick prayer, then was gone. He wasted no time going to a random stranger's house.

A woman opened the door. She was about a foot shorter than Barley, with hair longer than Jenny's, but she looked to be in her 40s.

"Can I help you?" she asked. Barley took a deep breath and went over his entire situation, from her son, Kirk, to helping Luke, to his girlfriend being attacked, to his little brother missing.

And she stood there. What's worse is she didn't seem particularly surprised, but terrified. She shook as Barley continued.

"I'm sorry, but I can't help you."

"He has my brother," Barley said and Mrs. Jones stopped and didn't close the door. "He has my little brother. Ian. He's 8 and he's probably hurt and crying out for me right now. Please. Whatever you know. My little brother is my absolute everything. I'm not going to take your son, I'll face Kirk myself, but please. I need to know where to go."

"The little boy he took is your brother?"

"Yes. He's the only family I have left. I've been raising him for three years. He's everything to me and I'll do whatever it takes to get him back," Barley felt the tears sting his eyes, "I feel like I'm losing my mind. I just want him home and safe. I want to hear him playing upstairs in his room or sitting with me on the couch. I miss tucking him in every night."

"How long has Kirk had him?"

"Two days now. I haven't slept. I haven't eaten. I haven't stopped searching. I found your name in the phone book and took a chance. I have nothing left to lose, please," Barley begged. The woman studied him for a moment, and then he heard another voice. A child's voice.

"Mommy? Where's- hey, you're the guy from the other day!" Luke said as he saw Barley. Barley could normally push all of his problems away and smile in front of children, no matter what he was feeling. But looking at Luke broke him even more. The kid had the exact same eyes as his precious little brother.

"Sweetie, go back inside, please," Mrs. Jones said and then looked back up at Barley. "My son is dangerous. I tried so hard to save him. His father used to beat him and then twisted his mind. I don't think he'll ever be able to tell wrong from right."

"And I'm sorry about that, but someone you just admitted is dangerous has a kid right now. You're terrified of him seeing Luke again, and I understand that, but he has my kid right now. Please, I won't tell him anything. I'll even help you and Luke, but I need Ian back. Please."

"His father used to own a house on the other side of town. I'll write down the address for you," she said and invited him inside. Barley walked in and saw Luke on the couch. The young boy tilted his head in curiosity at Barley while his mother went to grab a piece of paper.

"Hey, mister, what's your name?"

"Barley," he answered.

"Thanks for your help the other day. My big brother is really mean and..." his voice trailed off for a moment, "I'm glad I didn't go with him. Sometimes I think he still loves me, but then he gets mad and he hits me. Or he drinks something and gets really angry."

"Luke, I know he's your brother, but family can be so many different things," Barley said. "And you are a great kid who didn't deserve that treatment. Mrs. Jones came back in with a piece of paper and Barley looked at Luke one more time before leaving.

He wasted no time getting to his little brother. He drove as fast as he could and 10 minutes later, he was at the house. He called the police and went inside.

He heard yelling and glass shattering. Then Ian crying.

Ian.

Barley broke the door open and immediately his eyes locked with Kirk.

"Barley!" Ian cried out. Before Barley could do anything, Kirk charged. He was stronger than Barley anticipated and they both got knocked into a nearby bookshelf. It broke at their combined weight and the fight continued.

Barley busted Kirk's head against the wall, but he must have been used to it because it had zero effect on him, which was slightly concerning but there were more pressing matters.

Ian cried out for Barley to watch out and then Kirk picked up a nearby glass bottle of whiskey and hit Barley with it. Hard.

His vision blurred, but he could see the flash of silver from a knife, heading right towards him.

"Barley! No!" Barley couldn't comprehend what happened next.

Kirk went in with his knife, he heard Ian scream and then an explosion that threw Kirk away from him, yet he was unharmed. Not a touch. He spun around and saw his little brother with tears pouring down his already tear-stained cheeks, desperately trying to get out of the dragon cage. He was also unhurt. The only person that seemed to get injured was Kirk.

The police busted in just as Kirk forced himself up with a groan and then looked at Ian.

"How did he- no, something's up with that kid!" he said as two officers grabbed him and handcuffed him. Then his eyes locked on Barley with a glare and a deadly promise laced as his pupils focused in on the other man. "You're going to pay for this, you bastard! That kid has something and I'll get it!"

The officers dragged him away and Barley got Ian out of the cage and his brother jumped in his arms and buried his head into Barley's chest and sobbed.

"Ian, oh thank God. It's okay. You're safe. It's okay," he said over and over again and kept apologizing. He kissed the top of Ian's head multiple times and refused to let the child go. "I love you so, so much, kiddo."

His mind went back to the explosion and he wondered how Ian did do that. Ian screamed and Kirk flew back, but how?

Ian curled into his chest further and his thoughts went back to what the last few days had felt like. Not knowing if he was ever going to see his little brother again. Searching and worrying. Crying. Almost crashing his van because the idea of never seeing his little brother again, his entire world, made him want to die. Jenny and Leo crying. Frank on the phone with the police.

He couldn't explain what Ian just did, but Ian was there. He was in Barley's arms and his older brother would never let him go again.

"I love you so, so much, bud. I'm never letting anything take you from me again."

[kindofcashton]

𝕕𝕚𝕤𝕔𝕠𝕟𝕟𝕖𝕔𝕥𝕖𝕕  •  chapter 9  (Calum Hood AU)

HANGOVERS WERE SUCH a bitch.  Not only was my head pounding like a jackhammer, my body felt physically ill.  I could barely move when I woke up the next morning, not to mention the night before took a while to even remember.  I pieced together flashes until a succinct timeline began to form.  I remembered fruity drinks and loud music and a scratchy beard and a dark-haired boy that I kept pushing away whenever he reached out to help me.  As soon as I remembered Calum practically peeling the stranger off of me, my stomach twisted into knots.  It was humiliating, and my reaction to him didn’t help my case.  I didn’t necessarily regret having fun with a random guy in a club, but it wasn’t my finest hour for sure.  And though I was beyond irritated that Calum thought he had to save me, he deserved more of a thanks than I gave him.

But would I admit this to him in the light of a new day?  Absolutely not.

I couldn’t stay in my room forever, and I didn’t want to give Calum any suspicion that last night meant something or had rattled me more than it did.  My head was hurting way too much to study the details and figure out if Calum had any ulterior motives.  Besides, so what if he did?  I didn’t like Calum and he didn’t like me.

When I stumbled into the kitchen, surely looking like a zombie fresh out of a grave, Luke gave me a sympathetic smile.  

“Morning, sunshine,” he joked lightly as I grabbed a box of cereal and collapsed in the chair next to him.  His blue eyes were kind as he took in my awful appearance.  “Fun night?”

“You could say that,” I grumbled, blindly reaching into the box as I ate the cereal dry.  It was sugary and vaguely reminiscent of cardboard, but since I was hungover it tasted like the best damn food I���d ever had.

Hannah was sprawled across Ashton on the living room couch, and she gave me a half-hearted wave.  He was rubbing her shoulders and she looked half-dead too.  I bet her hangover was just as bad as mine.

“Why do we drink?” she groaned, rubbing her temples.  Ashton laughed and toyed with her hair, but she swatted at him.  “I’m serious, I always forget how much being hungover sucks.”

I took a big handful of cereal.  “Because being drunk is fun.”  It was true; I don’t think I’d ever laughed as much in one day as I did last night.  Sure, being drunk made me slightly stupid and naive, but at least I was blissfully ignorant.

“You would call what happened fun?”

My guard flew up as soon as Calum walked in.  His tone was sharp and accusing, and I grit my teeth.  I hadn’t told Hannah exactly what happened with the blonde guy; when she’d asked if I ever found him, I said I did and that he was a half-decent kisser.  I left out the part where he nearly took all my clothes off in a crowded club and Calum came in to save me.

My skin prickled as he sat in the chair diagonal to me, eyebrows raised in expectation.

I chewed slowly on the cereal, tentatively asking, “What?”

“You’re eating my cereal.”

Blinking in surprise, I glanced at the box.  It was the stupid frosted stuff he ate every damn day, and I had my hand buried in it.  Flushing a deep red, I handed him the box and swallowed the half-chewed lump of cereal in my mouth, choking slightly as it went down the wrong pipe.

“Sorry,” I wheezed, avoiding his gaze as per usual.  I had no idea what he thought of last night, and I wasn’t about to find out in front of all our friends.  They began to clear out one by one though, as Luke and Michael left for work and Ashton attempted to disconnect from Hannah who held on to him like a child.

“You’re girlfriend is dying and you’re just gonna leave?” she cried, dramatically throwing a hand across her forehead.  Ashton rolled his eyes and moved her legs off his lap.

“You’re not dying babe, you’re hungover.  And you have Calum and Scarlett to take care of you.”

Hannah pouted.  “Scarlett’s hungover too, so that leaves Calum alone to take care of both of us.”

“I don’t need Calum to take care of me,” I muttered, not even fully aware that I said the words out loud.  Fortunately I said it too quiet for Hannah or Ashton to hear, but Calum visibly tensed in front of me.

“Oh, really?” he fired back, jabbing his spoon roughly into the bowl of cereal before him. 

Leaning back with my arms folded, I forced my face to remain neutral.  “Really.  I don’t need someone coddling me, I can deal with things myself.”

This made him look up, and piercing brown eyes trapped my green ones.  He looked almost angry.  “And what exactly are you dealing with?”  His question left me floored, and I couldn’t help the surprised gasp that left my lips.  But then I straightened in the chair, controlling my shock.

“What are you talking about?”

He leaned closer so his words only reached my ears.  “I don’t believe this bullshit about being on a break from school.  We all know Hannah lied, so how do we know you aren’t lying too?”

“We should be respecting my damn privacy, because it’s none of your business.”  Panic bells were sounding in my brain.  I thought no one questioned my half-assed explanation for leaving school, but clearly one person saw right through the bullshit.

Calum exhaled through his nose.  “Whatever it is you’re trying to hide from just became my damn business last night when I had to save you from yourself.”

“I’m not hiding anything!” I hissed.  “And you don’t have to save me from myself, like I said I’m fine.”

“Bullshit,” he whispered, and we had both leaned forward to the point where we were only inches away from each other.  “You were drowning your sorrows in cheap cocktails and gross guys.  People who are fine don’t do that.”

My chest was rising and failing erratically, my heart pounding just as hard as the migraine in my head.  “You don’t know anything about me, Calum.”  

The intensity in his expression had me by the throat, and I couldn’t have looked away even if I wanted to.  From such a close proximity I saw the way his jaw was set, how his brows were low with concentration.  I also noticed the two small moles on his cheek, and how his hair had the gentlest of curls.  I wondered what he was noticing about me.

Finally, painstakingly, he replied, “You’re right.  I don’t have a clue.”  And then he leaned back, breaking the brief connection we’d had and leaving me with a wall of cold air between us.

“What are you guys bickering about now?” Hannah called distractedly from the living room as she flipped through channels.  Ashton had left and the three of us were alone.  Calum shrugged his shoulders, still watching me even after our conversation had been forced closed.

“Nothing important, apparently.”  

With that, he stood up from the table and left me alone.  I thought he’d disappear in his room, or even leave in his car.  But instead he went over in the living room with Hannah, and the two of them started watching some show they both liked.  I didn’t have work today, which meant I had nowhere to go and no reason to leave.  I thought I’d do something with Hannah, but with Calum suddenly very interested in spending time with her I couldn’t just steal her away.

I remembered what she said about being friends with Calum before anyone else.  The way they laughed and joked together about whatever they were watching made me wonder how she was so close to someone that was so cold.  But Calum and Hannah had some sort of understanding; they squabbled all the time, but were never mad at one another.  They could go from criticizing one another to laughing about it a second later.  I almost wanted to beg Hannah to tell me all of his secrets.  What made him tick?  Why was he so closed off to new people?  Was there something about me he didn’t like?

I almost felt like I was invading something private, and so I stood up to go back to my room.  But then Hannah waved me over.  “Come watch, this episode is so funny.”

Glancing at Calum, who was very pointedly looking at the TV, I slowly made my way over.  The only place for me to sit was next to Calum, as Hannah had stretched out on one side of the L shaped sofa.  He had his long legs resting on the coffee table, looking nonchalant and comfortable.  I tried to mimic my position to be just as carefree, but as I sat on a crooked leg I felt stiff and awkward.  Why did he have such an effect on me?  I couldn’t even sit properly in his presence, for god’s sake.  Sighing, I shifted uncomfortably, and I felt his eyes on me for a brief second.  But as quick as they came, they left.

For the rest of the day, we were an unlikely trio.  We’d binged nearly a whole season of a TV show, and then got so collectively sick of it we had to do something else.  Hannah said she wanted to make “something exotic” for dinner, so we spent the afternoon combing the cupboards for the proper ingredients.  The most exotic thing we could think of making was a box of pasta with miscellaneous vegetables in the fridge.

Cooking together was actually sort of fun, and I was reminded of making that damned grilled cheese with Calum.  A few times we locked eyes, and I was sure he was thinking of that afternoon as well.  Having Hannah with us diffused a lot of tension, and a few times we even shared a laugh.  The intensity of this morning had evaporated as the three of us worked on our concoction.

“Add garlic powder.  No dish with garlic powder could possibly be boring,” I suggested to Hannah as she went through all of the seasonings.  

Calum snorted.  “I always thought cilantro was the secret key ingredient.”  I smiled, stirring the tomato sauce as it bubbled in the small pot.

“You’re burning the mushrooms,” he warned me, and I let out an oh shit as I realized that the crackling sound in the background was my mushrooms turning to black.  I frantically scraped at the pan, hoping I could salvage them.  Calum came over to lower the stove-top temperature, and examined the wreckage.

“I think they’re done for,” he announced, and I sighed, hands on my hips as I rolled my lips into my mouth.  A smile played across his face as he dumped the burnt remains into the garbage.  “It’s alright, mushrooms are shit anyways.”

“Hey,” I protested.  “I like mushrooms.”

He chuckled, resting the pan in the sink to be scrubbed off.  “Duly noted.”

By the time dinner was almost ready the other guys had returned home.  Michael immediately said he could smell our burnt food from the driveway, and Luke questioned if what we were making was even edible.  Hannah angrily yelled at them and went on and on about how the three of us had spent all day kindly making them a meal and that they better shut up and eat it.

“I love when you get angry,” Ashton complimented as he gave her cheek a kiss.  Hannah waved him off.

“Can’t kiss now babe, I’m working,”  She was wiping down the plates and preparing them as if this was a cooking competition, while Calum and I leaned against the counter snacking on slightly burnt homemade croutons.

“You know, these don’t suck,” I said, referring to Calum’s handiwork with the croutons.  He’d chopped some nearly stale bread and seasoned them with a bunch of things, and seemed fairly proud when they’d come out of the oven.

“Thank you,” he accepted graciously, a note of sarcasm in his voice.  “I wish I could say the same about your mushrooms.”  I elbowed him with a small chuckle, popping one last crouton in my mouth before leaning forward and joining the others at the table.

Hannah presented everyone with a plate of our pasta, which sort of looked like a lump of penne drenched in sauce with a bunch of nondescript vegetables.  I took a seat next to Michael, and Calum took the one on my other side.  

Luke poked his fork at a fairly limp looking piece of broccoli.  “Yum,” he said with a wince.

Michael coughed slightly.  “You guys love you some garlic, huh?”

My jaw dropped.  “What, is it too much?  I swear I only sprinkled the stuff.”  Calum chuckled beside me.

“I told you cilantro was the better option.”  I was about to come up with a witty comeback, but then my phone went off in the living room.  I quickly went over and scooped it off the coffee table, thinking nothing of it as I answered.

“Hello?”

“Yes, Scarlett Mercer?”  I recognized the sound of the woman at the bank.  I’d spoken to her quite frequently in the recent weeks, since dealing with my parents’ accounts and what little savings I had required the expertise of an accountant.

I gripped the phone, lowering my voice so the others couldn’t hear.  “This is her.  Is anything the matter?”

“You received a bill in the mail recently, yes?”

Biting my lip, I responded, “Yes, from school.”

“And have you received the one regarding the pipes?”

My brow furrowed.  “Pipes?  What pipes?”

“At your parents’ house.  A pipe burst in the basement and now there’s no water in the taps.”

I huffed, confused at everything she was saying.  “I-I put the house on the market, it’s supposed to be sold to someone else.  It’s supposed to be someone else’s problem.”

“Well, unfortunately it hasn’t been closed on yet, so you are still the one responsible for fixing any damages.  No one would want to buy a house without working pipes.”

I didn’t appreciate the smart remark at the end of her explanation.  I was already worrying about paying off school and did not need another useless expense.  I hadn’t even thought of my old house in weeks, I thought someone had already bought it or it was being handled by someone else.

“Um,” I stalled, pressing my fingertips to my forehead as I fought to concentrate on her words.  The others were laughing and chatting enthusiastically in the kitchen, sending a stab of remorse into my chest.  “I-is there anything left in any of the accounts that I could use to pay for this?  It’s just, I’m at a new job and I can’t--”

“There’s nothing else to tap into, unfortunately.  The last amount went to finishing off hospital bill payments.”

“Right,” I said, panic bubbling up in my throat.  “I...how much time do I have?  It’s just, I have to figure out...some things before I can pay.”  Yeah, figure out where the hell I’m gonna get the money.

“It’s not a pressing issue, but the sooner the better would be preferable.”

I wanted to throttle this woman.  Which was it, not a pressing issue or the sooner the better?  I sighed, pacing across the floor to quell some of my nerves.

“Okay.  I will...call you, when I figure this out.  I’ll call as soon as I can.”  I didn’t wait to hear her reply, as I ended the call and dropped my phone onto the couch.  My head was spinning as I returned to the table, suddenly sick to my stomach at the sight of my half-eaten food.

“Everything okay?” Ashton asked, stealing a crouton from Hannah’s salad.  I nodded, not even really paying attention.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”  I ignored the way Calum’s hand stilled by his glass of water, obviously hearing my bullshitted answer and remembering how I’d said the same thing this morning.

I pushed the food around my plate until everyone else was done, and didn’t hesitate before fleeing to my room to be alone.  I knew Hannah wanted me to relax about schoolwork, but for some reason hearing from the bank just made me desperate to dive into studying.  It was a coping mechanism that definitely didn’t hurt anyone, just made me a little crazy and overworked.  But now more than ever I wanted to reconnect with school, and what better way than to learn about the fascinating field of psychology?

Only I couldn’t study if I couldn’t find my textbook.  I tore my room apart looking for the damn thing, finding only my notebook and a different textbook from my physics class.

“Where is it?” I murmured, pushing a hand through my hair as I left my room to check downstairs.  I thought everyone had gone to sleep, but when I heard someone in the kitchen it made me jump.  Calum was doing the dishes, alone and illuminated by only one light in the ceiling.

“What’s up?” he asked upon seeing my stricken expression.  I shook my head at his loaded tone and looked around the kitchen for the book.

“I can’t find my psych textbook, and I really need to study right now.”  I was well aware of how crazy I sounded, considering it was late and Calum knew I was bullshitting.

He didn’t say anything, just dried off his hands with a towel and left to go upstairs.  I rolled my eyes, wondering how I’d pissed him off this time.  Exhausted and defeated, I fell onto the couch and stared at the blank TV screen.  A day that had seemed to be going alright ended shitty, as things always seemed to end with me.  I didn’t think I’d ever catch a break, and knew that whenever I got comfortable something would come along to fuck it up.

“Forgot I had this.”  Calum’s voice broke through my thoughts and I looked up as he entered the living room, handing me the very textbook I’d lost.  I was so stunned it took me a second to actually take it from him, and once I did he casually stuck his hands in his jogger pockets.  “I was bored out of my mind the other day and thought I’d give it a go.”

I frowned, flipping through the freshly dog-eared pages.  “You felt like reading a psychology textbook for fun?”  I closed the cover and held the book on my lap.  Calum fell onto the sofa next to me, shrugging.

“It was fairly interesting, although I disagreed with a lot of theories.  That Adler guy has inferiority complexes all wrong.”

My eyebrows shot up, not quite believing what I was hearing.  “So you read it, but you also remembered a specific theorist and his ideas?”

Calum shrugged again.  “Like I said, light reading.”

I narrowed my eyes, looking back down at the textbook.  “You’re a lot smarter than you let on, huh?” I voiced aloud.  Calum didn’t appear particularly book smart, and I wondered if he was ashamed of it or wanted to keep it secret.

“Doesn’t matter,” he said, and I frowned at his unsatisfactory answer.

“No, you should be proud of it.  Being smart is nothing to be ashamed of.”

“Who ever said I was ashamed?”  His voice was freezing, and for a second I was worried I’d pissed him off.  But there was a glint in his brown eyes, and I shoved him lightly.

“Alright, wise guy.  If you’re so unashamed then why don’t you help me study?  Quiz me on anything.”  I leaned my head back against the couch cushion, eyes closed as I giggled.  Calum took the textbook from me, and opened to a random page to begin asking me questions.

I had my eyes shut most of the time to concentrate, but somehow I still knew he was smiling.

[porkchop-ao3]

Nearly Caught

I am a huge sucker for smut scenes where they’re almost caught... So I wrote something for Ice Cream Rick and reader! It’s not too long, 1.4k words, but I hope you like it! It feels like a while since I wrote for I.C, I’ve been neglecting him in favour of Tailor lately haha

Anyway, enjoy!

-

We were hanging out at my house. Well, my parents’ house. They weren't home, however, having dinner with the next-door neighbours; I'd been invited too, but I'd faked a migraine (karma would get me for that one at some point, probably in the shape of a real one) so I could stay in and invite Rick over. We took any shred of opportunity we could to see each other and have some privacy. It was getting bad, we couldn't afford to keep shelling out for hotel rooms, and his ice cream truck had seen more action than a brothel at this point. But it was easy to forget all of that when we were together, alone. It was easy to forget pretty much anything then.

We were in the kitchen, we were going to cook something together and have a little meal of our own, but we'd got as far as peeling two potatoes before we abandoned that idea in favour of sucking each other’s faces. He'd told me about a dream he'd had the previous night, one where we were living together in his childhood home, but all the furniture was mixed up in different rooms. It was innocent enough, he was only telling me ‘cause he thought it was a strange dream, but I was hung up on him mentioning us living together, so I'd put down my potato peeler and silenced him with a kiss.

He didn't put up a fight, immediately wrapping his arms around my waist, hugging me tightly into his chest. His little beard always tickled my chin and my fingers found their usual place in his wavy hair. I could tell it was freshly washed, it felt soft and I caught a whiff of his shampoo when I came close to him. He hummed softly against my lips, easing me off of him for a moment so he could speak.

“Aren't you hungry?”

“Not for tortilla de, uhh…” I tried, forgetting what he'd called it.

“Tortilla de patatas,” he finished with perfect pronunciation.

“Spanish omelettes,” I shrugged, smirking at him. “I want you.”

“But the potatoes,” his eyes drifted to the side, where they sat waiting on the counter.

“They can wait,” I shrugged.

He immediately kissed me again, seeming to snap up the opportunity. I arched into him, pressing my breasts against his chest firmly and hearing him moan. One of his hands moved down, cupping and fondling my ass; his touch sent my hips forward, and I unconsciously rubbed up against him. He parted away for air, cursing quietly under his breath. When he kissed me again, he pinned me against the counter with his hips, grinding into me. I could feel the beginnings of his arousal, practically wearing a hole in our clothes with his movements. I was flooded with warmth, my pussy tingling and engorging, making me moan.

Rick broke the kiss again and instead pressed our foreheads together so he could hold my  gaze. He grabbed around to find the hem of my skirt, hiking it up and slipping his hand underneath, his fingers finding the seat of my panties where he rubbed me.

“Ohhhh, Rick,” I sighed, my eyes drifting closed. “In the kitchen?” I asked, almost in disbelief.

“Ca-can I fuck you here?” He asked in a breathy, aroused tone, his voice cracking just a little at the end. His fingers reached my clit, rubbing it briskly through my panties. A high pitched whine left me and I was sighing my agreement almost pleadingly.

My hands were shaky as I reached for his fly, unfastening it quickly and sliding my hand inside, bypassing his boxers and wrapping my hand around his cock. I stroked him at a moderate pace, feeling him harden completely in my hand, him moaning, all whiny, in my ear the whole time.

We pleasured each other for a little while, just until Rick put his hand inside my panties, ran his fingers through my folds and felt how wet I was.

“Fuck,” he hissed, withdrawing his hand, leaning back from me and looking me in the eye as he licked his fingers. “I need this,” he said, and I nodded eagerly.

I let go of his cock as he turned me around, flipping my skirt up at the back to expose my backside to him. He hooked his fingers in my panties, tugging them down just enough, they stayed taut around my lower thighs, keeping my legs pretty close together. He had just enough room to slide his cock between them, rubbing the head against my slit. His breath was shaky and loud behind me, but he seemed to hold it as he entered me. I gasped as he filled me, hands gripping the edge of the counter. My eyes went out of focus as I stared out of the window to the backyard. The breath Rick'd been holding came out as a groan, his hands forming a crushing grip around my hips.

He guided me back and forth, bouncing me on his cock like he was in a frenzy. He fucked me fast, right from the get go, and the sheer intensity of the pleasure I felt had me crying out, knees threatening to buckle. My grip on the counter, and Rick's hands, were the only things keeping me upright. His cock felt so incredible inside me, in this position he hit my sweet spot perfectly and I could feel that I was far wetter than I usually was. Maybe being in my parents’ kitchen had something to do with it, who knows? I allowed myself to moan freely, not holding anything back, sighing his name and singing his praises, telling him how good he felt, how I loved him, how I wanted to cum with his cock in me like this, right here in the kitchen.

He liked that.

“Right here, huh?” He panted, leaning close to my ear. I could just about catch his reflection in the window and I watched him. “You're a- a dirty girl, aren't you?”

“For you,” I told him, clenching my pussy around his cock and making him growl in response.

“We're cooking dinner right there, you just love that I'm fucking you here, don't you?” I glanced down at the half peeled potatoes right in front of me and almost laughed.

“I do!”

“So bad. Su-such a dirty girl, you gonna cum for me? Squeeze my cock real tight, huh?” His voice was wavering now, he was close.

“Oh yeah, I'm gonna cum!” I cried, my voice going high pitched and loud.

Rick stopped suddenly, and I whined in disappointment.

“Why did you st-” I started, only to hear the front door slam, confirming what Rick must've thought he heard. He cursed and pulled out of me, the sensation of the thick head of his cock slipping out of me making me whimper.

I could hear my parents’ voices down the hall and the gravity of what was happening hit me, I fumbled for my knickers but Rick beat me to it, pulling them up for me and rearranging my skirt so I was all covered up again. He sidestepped to come next to me as he zipped away his throbbing cock, God knows where he was going to put it.

“Well, that was a total waste of time,” my mother was saying as she wandered into the kitchen. “Sandra's caught a stomach bug, apparently doesn't know which end it's going to come out of. They could've called and told us earlier. Oh, hello Rick.”

Without turning his body, Rick looked over his shoulder to greet my mother. I gave my hands a wash in the sink nearby before carrying on with peeling the potatoes like nothing ever happened. My hands felt like jelly so I had to be very careful not to cut myself.

“H-hi, I'm sorry to hear about your plans,” he said to her, his tone sympathetic but I could hear the edge to it.

“Oh, it's quite alright. We've decided we'll go out to eat, so the evening isn't a total waste. How's your migraine, dear?” She asked me.

“Still hurts, but I'm managing. Rick's teaching me how to make Spanish omelettes. He says having a good meal should help my head.”

“Well, I'll leave you two to it. Your father's just changing his shirt to something a little smarter, then we'll be off.”

I heard her retreat, her footsteps disappearing out of the room. I sighed heavily and dropped the potato peeler again, glancing up at Rick. He didn't say anything, he just held my gaze with an intensity I couldn't look away from. I searched my brain for something to say, but I didn't really need to. I think we both had the exact same thought.

We couldn't keep sneaking around like teenagers for much longer.

[biavenger]

The Lives I’ve Loved You;

ENSummary: History repeats itself.

A/N: A cute fic!!! A little angsty. I’ll be doing a part 3 to Girl Crush and a part 2 to Christmas Lights eventually, I just felt really inspired by this idea I had. 

New York

April, 1861

“Steve Rogers here to see you, ma’am.” 

Y/N didn’t bother to turn to see the man who was just introduced, for she knew exactly what he news he had come to deliver. The entire country was on the brink of war with itself, half of it threatening to withdrawal from the entire Union, and it was only a matter of time before the government started asking for the able-bodied young men to enlist. 

“So is that the kind of greeting you find appropriate for a proper enlisted man?” Steve’s voice sounded quite proud as he attempted to gain the woman’s attention. All it managed was to get Y/N to face him, a cold expression on her face. Of course, Steve had probably one of the first in line at the registry to enlist. “Y/N, the papers are saying they need all the men they can get, that-” he started, but his impending speech was cut off by a callous wave of her hand.

“Don’t lecture me on patriotic duty,” Y/N nearly sneered, “You lied to me.” Rumors of a war had been spreading like wildfire since the election of Abraham Lincoln as president, and when Y/N asked Steve if he would enlist, he only expressed mild interest at the idea, but said he wouldn’t.

“It’s to keep the Union together, Y/N,” Steve said, “And more importantly, it’s for freedom.” 

Y/N knew, deep down, that there was no way Steve would have let his neighbors go to war without him marching alongside. He was a stubborn, stubborn boy, and always had to have himself in the action. It did not lessen the sting of potential loss, though, at the revelation of what she knew was coming all along. The idea created an ache in her that made it difficult for her to suppress the tears welling in her eyes any longer. At the sight, Steve strode across the room. 

“Don’t cry, my love,” Steven took her hand in his, rubbing his thumb along the backside of it, “They say it’ll only last a few months- at most. Then I can come back to you.” 

“You can’t promise that,” Y/N’s voice shook as the tears began to flow freely. She stared at the mud that encrusted his boots, refusing to make eye-contact with him. The moment she looked into his stunning, ocean blue eyes, she knew it would be over for her. 

“I can promise that we’ll be together, forever,” Steve began, using his spare hand to reach into his back trouser pocket and pull out a delicate silver ring, “And I can promise that I’ll love you forever, if you’ll have me. Y/N- will you marry me?” At the last words, he dropped to one knee. He held the ring at the tip of her finger, not quite sliding it on in case he was rejected. 

“Yes, Steve. Yes.” 

June, 1863

My love,

I want to begin this letter by once again professing my eternal love for you. As I’m writing this, my regiment is on its way to intercept rebel troops at the border of Maryland and Pennsylvania. The battle that’s been going on there is into its second day now. If you’re reading this letter, my darling Y/N, I want you to promise me not to be afraid. I promised that I’ll love you forever, and I fully intend to keep that promise.

Steve Rogers 

73rd New York Volunteer Infantry Regiment

“We’re very sorry, miss,” one of the soldiers in her parlor said, although both of the men refused to make eye contact with her, “All they found on him was this letter, and a picture of you. We had thought that you would have liked to have them both, ma’am.”

Washington, DC

1945

“This is the best they could come up with?”

Y/N asked the question that everyone in the room was thinking. Dr. Erskine had spent months trying to find the most suitable candidate to be the next Super Soldier. After so many previously failed attempts at getting the Super Soldier Serum to work, there were extraordinary amounts of pressure on the entire team to make Project Rebirth an unquestionable success. 

“I picked him out myself,” Dr. Erskine shut down any other potential criticisms as they continued to assess the man in front of him-Steve Rogers, Y/N believed he was introduced as.

There was something familiar about the shag of his blonde hair that fell into his clear blue eyes; there was a trustworthiness there at Y/N undoubtedly bought into. Still, he was a scrawny man. His uniform hung loosely on his frame, and his bones pointed out in all sorts of odd directions. He was still handsome, though, with beautiful eyelashes that brushed against his prominent cheekbones. 

Not that his attractiveness mattered when it came to determining whether or not he would be a success for Project Rebirth, or if he would ever even get injected with the prototype serum that Howard Stark had been helping them to develop. “Dr. Y/L/N, you will be running preliminary tests on him. Please, get a full record of his vitals and health history. The usual, as you know,” Dr. Erskine ordered, pushing away from the table. 

Y/N could feel the shocked look that consumed her face, causing Dr. Erskine to give her a look. While she usually never took vitals- that was generally left for the nurses to do- she was fully capable of doing it. 

“Sorry, ma’am,” Steve finally spoke after a moment, “I’m sure you have better things to do.” Y/N simply gave him a half smile in response as she begun measuring things like his weight, height, blood pressure, etc. 

“I’m surprised the army let you in at all,” Y/N commented to herself under her breath, but Steve must have heard her due to their close proximity.

“I tried to enlist so many times,” he chuckled, “I think I just wore them down.” 

“Why did you want to enlist so badly? Like-why didn’t you just decide to help the war effort from the States?” 

“I think it’s important to fight for what you think is important, ma’am,” Steve explained, pausing for a moment to gather his thoughts, “And freedom and this country is something I find to be very important.” 

Y/N nodded, soaking in his words. “I think we have a lot to learn from each other, Mr. Rogers.” 

The weak and fragile man had been replaced by a hulking giant, his once baggy uniform straining to contain the muscles they covered. Y/N had been basically ordered to measure his every step to help the doctors determine what about him made him the first successful recipient of the Super Serum, which practically forced the two to become close.

In fact, they were so close that the careless eye may mistake them for lovers. The two were often caught laughing together and having deep talks when they thought no one else was looking. Y/N kept her heart guarded, however. She knew how the war separated people, and refused to let herself get hurt.

Steve continued to try and push through her walls, though, despite her best efforts to hold him at a distance. 

They did kiss once. It was after Steve received his first real military assignment and they were saying goodbye. Y/N felt small as he leaned over her, dipping down to gently press his lips against hers. 

“Maybe under different circumstances, we could have really been something, doll,” he whispered, his eyes soaking in her features. 

Y/N cried when she heard the news that that was the last time she would ever see Captain Steve Rogers.

New York

Present Day

Y/N had spent her entire life living in the shadows. She avoided cameras, people, and anything that might out her as a mutant. While society was gradually becoming more and more accepting of people deemed “gifted”, she didn’t feel ready to accept the responsibility it could put on her shoulders. Groups like the Avengers and different vigilantes like Daredevil put pressure on the gifted to adopt the role of savior, and that was something that Y/N wasn’t ready to commit to. 

The treat of being outed always hung heavy on her, though, especially after the incident with all the aliens in New York. And when she saw Tony Stark sitting on the shabby couch in her tiny Brooklyn apartment, she knew that day had come.

“In conclusion? Welcome to the team,” Stark finished the tour of the infamous Tower. He had explained the bare bones of the Infinity Stone issue, and why Y/N’s particular...skill set may be needed for the protection of the city. “You’ll be able to meet everyone else, um...right now, actually. They’re in the middle of a briefing with the Captain, but I’m sure if you poked your head in, they would be happy to introduce themselves.”

He slapped her on the shoulder encouragingly before stalking off in the opposite direction he indicated the meeting was at. Apparently, Iron Man was above team meetings. Y/N didn’t have much else to do, however, and figured she might as well rip the bandaid on meeting the team of the most elite superheros in the world. 

Her heart fluttered nervously at the idea of seeing iconic heroes such as Black Widow and the Scarlet Witch, but none more so than the thought of Captain America. Ever since she was a little girl, Y/N had been fascinated by the superhero’s story. When he awoke from the ice, it had only heightened her curiosity. 

“...So yeah, Sam and Bucky, you’re going to have to learn to get along for the sake of the team. Natasha’s been getting two migraines a week from listening to your arguing during training- hello?” the masculine voice cut itself off as Y/N slid open the glass door. 

“Hi...I’m the new recruit...oh, yeah-shit,” she fumbled over her introduction. The Captain’s hauntingly blue eyes made it heard for her to think, so speaking was definitely out of the question. “Y/N. My name’s Y/N.”

Steve’s face grew pale at the familiar face staring back at him. He couldn’t exactly place it, but her appearance was reminiscent of someone he knew from his past.

“It wouldn’t be Y/N Y/L/N, would it?” Steve said softly. The more he looked at her, the stronger his attraction to her grew. He would know that face anywhere.

“Yeah, how did you know?”

“Doll, I believe we have a lot to talk about.”

[lyricalremedy]

I Hope Not (Jerome x Reader) Part 2

Part 1

Warning: I should also mention that this story contains two murderous people. They might do what they’re known to do.

I looked into her sad eyes and knew before she even said it.

Y/N’s POV

“I can’t, Jerome. I’m seeing someone else.”

There it was: his inner light being snuffed out by my cold-hearted darkness. I don’t even know why he likes me; I only cause him suffering. After all these years of his laughter being my medicine, I threw him away to get a new prescription.

“I’m so sorry, J,” tears trickled down my cheeks. “I feel unloyal. We didn’t even officially break it off, and I chose to leave you when you needed someone most. Look at you,” I pointed to his face. “That must’ve hurt like a bitch. And I wasn’t there to support you.” Maybe it was because my legs were still jelly from fear, but I could no longer stand on my own. Before I hit the ground though, two strong arms caught me.

I didn’t care who saw me in that moment. I cried. Jerome began petting my hair in long strokes. It truly felt like old times. It wasn’t until I felt a tiny hand touch my head that I returned to reality. “Mommy, I forgot to tell you something.”

I pulled away from Jerome to look at Abigail. “What is it, sweetie?”

“Seth said he was coming over early.”

Time became a cruel reminder. Friday night: date night. I couldn’t go out to the movies and leave Abigail alone with two convicts. Then again, Seth couldn’t stay either. It was bad enough that two people knew of Jerome and the Penguin’s whereabouts. Any more witnesses would create a nightmare.

I felt Jerome tighten his hold as I tried to stand. At first, I thought it was sweet of him to help me up. That is, until I realized his motive was to keep me down. “I’ll just call him quick and say that I’m feeling under the weather. People have been getting sick at work, he’ll believe me. Jerome,” I scolded as I tore out of his arms. Before I could reach the phone, a knock came from the door. Everyone stopped in their tracks.

Jerome was the first to move. “I’ll get it.” His cheerful voice did not help in the slightest.

I held him back. “No, I’ll get it. Just be quiet,” I glanced at Penguin, then back to Jerome. “Both of you.”

I wiped away any leftover tears, plastered on a smile, and cleared my throat. My hand shook as it reached for the handle. After unlocking it, I opened the door, limiting his line of sight to only me. “Seth!” I said in a sing-song voice.

“Y/N, hi!” Seth tried to push open the door, but I kept it in place. “Um, babe, are you going to let me in?”

“Actually, Seth, I’m not feeling so well. I think I’m just going to go to bed early, if that’s alright.”

Seth’s confusion subsided. “Did you want me to make you some soup or something?”

Again, he tried for the door. “No, no. I just need some rest. I’m sure it’s just a little cold. Nothing a good night’s sleep can’t fix.” I smiled. I could sense the uneasiness emanating from behind me. With the ticking time bomb of an ex boyfriend, I knew it was only a matter of time before Jerome would do something drastic.

“Y/N, really, it’s no biggie. Tonight’s our only night to be with each other. If you’re worried about me getting sick-”

“You’re right,” I lied. “I don’t want you to get sick. I know you don’t have many vacation days, and I wouldn’t want you to waste any of them because of me.”

His hand slipped around my waist and pulled me closer. “It wouldn’t be a waste if I got to spend the whole day with you.” He leaned in for a kiss.

But not before the bomb exploded. Jerome tore me away from Seth and grabbed him by the shirt. Slamming the door shut, Jerome pinned Seth against it. Now that the boys were this close together, I could really notice the height Jerome held in comparison.

“I believe the lady wants some rest,” Jerome hissed. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Penguin slap a hand to his face. I guess I’m not the only to get annoyed by Jerome’s need for showmanship.

Seth’s face drained of color. Contrasting with his dark hair, he truly took the phrase “white as a ghost” to a new level. “Y-you,” he muttered. “I k-know you.”

Jerome let out his signature cackle. “A little starstruck are we? Well, the pleasure is mine. I actually wanted to meet my girl’s excuse for a boyfriend.” His fist tightened around the fabric of Seth’s shirt.

This was getting out of hand. I needed to think of something. “Jerome,” I said walking up to him. I placed my hand lightly on his arm. He always was sensitive to sweet gestures. He said they felt much nicer than his mother’s shoe. “How about we chat over some hot drinks? I’m sure you and Mr. Penguin are tired from your adventure here.”

Still keeping his grip, Jerome looked down to see me give him a small smile. “Sure thing, doll,” he sent another glare toward Seth. “Whatever you say. Do you have any soda?”

I nodded and laughed under my breath. Some things never change. Apparently, not even taste buds after being dead for a year.

Jerome’s POV

I watched her walk to the fridge once she asked her other guests. She still looked amazing after so many months. Her new pet appeared to be watching her as well.

With my hold on his shirt, I shoved him toward the small couch. The two of us sat down as Penguin took a chair from the table. There was enough room to seat three people on the couch, but my clever friend understood that the spot next to me was reserved for someone else.

Y/N came back into the living space and handed out drinks to each person. Noticing my stare, she hesitated before sitting close to me. I wrapped my arm around her shoulders, but before we touched, she helped her kid onto her lap.

That brought me to uncomfortably close quarters with the child. She stared bug-eyed at me, most likely the scars from having my face cut off. Her appearance was uncanny; she looked as if she could actually be Y/N’s daughter. The silence between us as we kept our eyes on the other became unbearable, so I tried giving her a friendly smile.

The girl shrunk back into Y/N, her face turned away from me. Y/N tightened her hold. I knew exactly what that meant. You’re safe now. Everything’s okay. I won’t let anyone hurt you anymore.

“Well,” Y/N offered. “I guess my first question is: How did you two break out?”

I smiled at the memory of the frantic guards. “It’s actually a funny story. You see-”

“Are you serious?!” the pet yelled. He stood up off the couch and stomped toward Y/N. I fought off the urge to snap his neck for even daring to challenge my girl, but the sight of her mirroring his actions reminded me that’s she’s a tough cookie. She can handle problems herself.

“Calm down, Seth,” Y/N pleaded, her voice soft.

The little girl next to me dug deeper into the cushions of the couch in what I knew to be an effort of drowning out the angry voices.

“Calm down? Y/N, they are killers! I can’t believe you would allow them into your apartment. With Abigail, no less!”

“You don’t think I tried to get them to leave? Of course I don’t want them anywhere near my daughter!”

For some reason, Y/N’s confession sent pain to my stomach. I’ve never really cared much for children. But in the circus, it was included in the job description. I looked at the girl one more time, trying to figure out what I liked about her. Was it because she had Y/N’s appearance? Was it because of past experiences with kids in the circus? Was it because, maybe, I deep down wanted Y/N’s daughter to be our daughter?

Then, I figured out why Y/N’s statement hurt. “Are you afraid that I’d hurt your daughter?” I asked, interrupting the argument the couple was having. Both looked to me, he was annoyed, but Y/N seemed shocked by my sudden question.

Y/N turned her attention toward me, causing the pet to become even more furious. In a quiet voice, she began, “Jerome. Of… of course not-”

“Of course she is! You’re a monster! And you look like one too…”

I jumped up in front of him, fighting the urge to end him, not minding the amount or age of the witnesses. In my fury, I almost didn’t notice the tiny body leap to Y/N’s leg. I turned to see the girl clinging for dear life, and Y/N’s arms wrapped tightly around her small frame. The look in  Y/N’s eyes gave me the answer I was expecting: distrust. She truly believed that I would do such a thing. Sure, I could be cruel and merciless; torturing was half the fun during any killing. But seeing Y/N fear for her daughter’s life, it seemed as if she thought the same as her boyfriend.

“I’m… not a monster,” I breathed out, trying to calm myself down. I smiled at Y/N, but it didn’t convince her.

“Abigail, sweetie, go to your room.” Another blow to the gut. The child reluctantly let go of her guardian’s leg, but quickly followed the order given to her. With the child gone, I didn’t need to restrain myself as much.

I glanced to Penguin, only to find him shake his head. He knew what I was planning.

The pet continued his accusations. “See? I told you she fears you. She wouldn’t trust you to water her plants. You monster.”

The soda can in my hand wasn’t the most appealing option for a weapon, but it was certainly the easiest to grab.

Soon, the aluminum cut open a gash across his forehead, and he collapsed to the floor, clutching his head. I couldn’t help but laugh at the sight of his growing migraine. Y/N ran to his side on the floor and tried using she long sleeve to stop the bleeding.

Penguin made sure to lock the door and windows, and he also shut the blinds. He left to go into the kitchen, I assumed to fetch some water to clean the mess. We may have only just met, but he knew well enough that once I started a task, I would finish it.

“Jerome! How could yo-”

I pulled Y/N up to my level and whispered close to her ear, “Because you’ll always be mine.” I kissed her ear. “And I don’t share.”

She struggled in my hold. Being the generous person that I am, I let go of her. To give her a few moments to say goodbye to her pet.

The blood gushed out from under his hand. Y/N leaned down to him. “Seth, I’m so sorry. I have some gauze and bandages in the bathroom. I’ll go get them for you. I’ll come right back as quickly as possible, okay?” She could only speak in short sentences due to the fragility of her voice. This is a time when her pure heart and extreme empathy are a curse.

Before she stood up again, Y/N placed her hands on the pet’s face and kissed him right in the mouth. I seethed with rage at her betrayal. But I knew that it would only be another minute.

Then she’ll be mine like she always has been. But this time, she’ll know it.

So focused on her mission, Y/N didn’t even look at me as she left toward another room. I walked in front of the wounded thief. He slowly raised his eyes to me. There is was: the look of defeat. He knew what was coming next. He knew it was the end.

“You stole her from me,” I wagged a finger at him. “It’s not nice to take what’s not yours.”

Y/N’s POV

Bandages. Bandages. Where are those stupid bandages?!

I could tell that Seth started to feel light-headed by the way he barely kissed back.

As I searched the bathroom for the first-aid kit, it dawned on me what I had just done: I left Seth wounded and alone with the terrible Jerome Valeska who had moments ago struck him across the head with a soda can. Jerome saw me kiss Seth, the man who had started the ordeal. J was certainly furious with me. And Penguin knew better than to face an angry Jerome.

So I left Seth defenseless in the living room amidst two infamous murderers.

I bolted out of the bathroom and rushed into the living room. Time seemed to slow down as I saw Jerome lift the soda can. My mouth opened, but nothing came out. My feet were glued to their spot on the floor. A metallic sound rang out as Jerome forcefully brought the can down. The sound of a dropping body could be heard shortly after. Although the couch blocked my view, I knew that it had been Seth who fell to the floor. I also knew by the grin on Jerome’s distorted face that Seth wouldn't be getting up.

Suddenly, time raced back up to speed. My knees lost their strength and hit the tile. Jerome looked over to see me sob, his expression one of pride. My head throbbed, and the approaching footsteps thundered in my ears. The world blurred through my tears. My throat burned from the inhuman noises my cries were making. I felt two strong hands grab my shoulders.

Fear completely engulfed me. And so did the surrounding blackness.

Part 3

[velvetfxexo]

The Star & His First Love (pt 1)

Characters: EXO D.O./Kyungsoo + OC

Type: Fluff

Length: 3K

Kyungsoo was always the quiet member of the famous boy group, EXO. He's famous for his serious, unmoving facial expressions. Fans love his voice, and how he takes care of his members. They say he has the look of a person who doesn't care, but he is in fact, the exact opposite.

Whenever their group goes on interviews and is asked about love, Kyungsoo always gives the same, short, and vague answer. He only fell in love once, and he got rejected. Nothing more, nothing less.

Years later, he meets his first love, again.

{Part 1} Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10

Part 1 - Coffee, Cream, and a Dream

Darn it.

I am so, so, screwed.

Doh Kyungsoo.

I can't believe it. He came. He really did. He came to our high school reunion. Of all the days.

I need a moment. I feel dizzy.

I never expected him to come - none of us did - not with his schedule. I thought my friend was just joking about him dropping by. They still have his personal number and tried to reach out to him but never got a reply. A lot of us scoffed because how can a famous, international idol drop by a small get-together? Surely he has other important things to do now, and surely there are far more famous people he can meet up with. But by jove, he was here and-- ugh, someone hold me. I feel like I'm gonna hurl.

It was already past 10PM. I was out on the 2nd floor balcony at the time, drinking wine and enjoying the night breeze, when I froze not because of the cold, but because I recognized the figure that got out of the car that slowed down on the driveway.

He was always one of the small ones in our class. I used to be taller than him by two or three inches and I teased him about it, but of course he grew taller over the years. He was wearing a simple black sweater, with jeans and comfy-looking sneakers. Despite also having a cap and face mask on, I still managed to recognize him. He looked like he just finished rehearsal, but still looked decent and presentable. I don't know why but I ran back inside as quickly as I could, and that's when I felt really dizzy.

"Dana? Where are you going? D.O.'s here!" my friend Clara said.

"Yeah, yeah, I saw him outside. I just need to take my meds for a bit.."

She looked at me worriedly. "Is it something serious? Need any help?"

"Nah, it's nothing. It's just my nerves. The usual," I waved her off. "Go and see him. I'll just go up my room in a sec." She gave me a look but nodded instantly, and told me to hurry back down as soon as I could.

I hurried up the stairs, because my vision was literally spinning. Why am I like this? And why did I even choose a room on the 3rd floor? I dragged myself to the last room to the left, my hand on the wall to keep me steady.

Great, this is my first time attending our high school reunion, and my nerves start acting up. I never took their invitations to these get-togethers seriously, because they do it every year. It's not even an official reunion - they just invite people from our class and catch up at a classmate's house - which in this case, is Clara's. I just decided to come this time because I needed to unwind.

And now, lucky me, it just so happened that the first time I attend is also the first time Kyungsoo accepted their invitation. What are the chances.

I finally found my way to the room Clara and I were sharing, and I fumbled for my meds in my handbag. I don't know why I still keep getting these episodes of dizziness and headaches at random moments. I've been doing therapy for two years and I've been getting good progress. But we still don't know what triggers these random spikes of headaches. Was it the wine I drank? I know I have low tolerance for alcohol but I didn't even sip that much earlier. Plus, I drink wine at some events that I attend, but I never get dizzy like this.

I took two of the pills to be sure, and drank from the water bottle at the bedside table. I wanted to go back down to the party but I was still really dizzy. Maybe if I lied down for a bit?

I rested my head on the pillow and shut my eyes tight.

I must've fallen asleep afterwards.

I felt someone shaking my shoulder lightly.

"Dana?"

"Mhmmm?" was all I could manage to say.

"Dana."

"Ugh, go away.."

"Dana, wake up."

"It's the weekend, go away!" I cried, and pulled the covers over my head.

I heard a deep chuckle.

Why does that voice seem familiar?

"Okay, well, you need to drink this medicine so you won't have hangovers in the morning."

I heard something being placed on the bedside table but I didn't turn around to look.

"Mmmhkay I get it, just leave it there..."

"Okay, okay, I'm leaving it here.. please drink it."

That's what I remember when I woke up the next day.

Clearly, it must've been a dream. I wasn't even drunk last night. I just had a splitting headache and I think, a case of nausea.

I heard a knock on the door, and Clara's head appeared from the doorway.

"Finally! You're awake! You feel better now?"

I shrugged and gave her a small smile, "I guess. I'm sorry, I just slept the whole night away."

"Nah, it was fine. They wondered where you were but I told them you had a migraine." Clara said.

"So where is everybody? Anything fun happen last night?"

Clara sighed at this. "Some went home, but some ended up staying the night like planned," she sat down beside me on the bed. "Also, nothing fun. Same old. And oh, D.O. also slept here."

"He did? Kyungsoo?" I was startled for a bit because I forgot about him. I didn't even get to talk to him, but thank goodness for that.

"Yeah, he slept there," Clara nodded at the bed across from mine. "I let him have the other bed because there was no other room."

"He slept here?!" I exclaimed. In this same room?!

"Whoa, chill. Yeah, I didn't think you'd mind because we always had sleepovers with the guys. Plus, you weren't even in the same bed," she raised her eyebrow. "Why are you so worked up?"

"I just-- I just didn't notice." I faltered.

"Right.. well, he's still downstairs with the others. He's making breakfast."

"Wait what? He's still down--- and making breakfast?!"

"Are you really like this in the morning?" Clara went out the room but not before giving me a pointed look. "Come down when you're ready!"

Too many things happening at once. So Kyungsoo slept in the same room as me, but I didn't notice it. I'm a light sleeper so I should've woken up when he went into the room or something. I must've been really knocked out. Why did he even stay here? Didn't he have rehearsals or other schedules? Plus, he's making breakfast for them? Seriously, they made him do that? They made an idol cook for them?

But I slept in the same room as Kyungsoo. I can imagine what his fangirls will think when they find out about this.

I shrugged it all off and went to the restroom to wash my face and brush my teeth. I started at my face in the mirror after drying my face with a towel.

"It only gets worse when you think of it." I remind myself, and went downstairs.

It was a mess, apparently.

Paper cups, unfinished soda bottles, and leftover snacks were still on the living room table, and I can hear splashing and chattering from outside. I guess they went to the pool already.

I went to the dining room and stopped short. Kyungsoo was sitting on one of the bar stools at the kitchen countertop, with his back facing me.

I was debating whether I should skip breakfast instead, when he suddenly turned around.

"Dana! Good morning." He stood up and greeted me with a smile.

His hair was noticeably longer than I remember. I didn't get to see it last night because he was wearing a cap when he arrived. He was wearing black sweat pants and a white shirt--different clothes from last night--and yes, he was taller than me now.

"Morning," I smiled meekly and made my way to the other side of the countertop. "Are the others finished with breakfast already?"

He turned around as I was walking. "Yeah, they just had waffles. What would you like to eat?"

"Uhm, waffles sound good.."

"Let me get you some." He started, then made his way near the sink where the waffle maker was.

"It's fine Soo, you don't have to." I said, and went after him. He was about to say something but he closed his mouth.

"Of course, the award-winning chef can prepare her own waffles." He smiled, and gestured at the waffle maker.

"What awards? Stop that," I laughed. "I'm not that kind of chef."

"Really now? I heard it in the news back then.. what was it now? One of Asia's 50 Best Restaurants for 2 years straight---"

"I have a lot more to learn!" I chuckled. He smiled happily at this.

Wow, I didn't expect talking with Kyungsoo would be this.. light. I was expecting an awkward atmosphere. It's been almost what, 5 years? I haven't seen him in a long time but talking with him felt just like picking up where we left off..

Which is something I don't remember that well.

"Do you want orange juice with that? Or coffee?"

I was brought out of my thoughts and I turned to see Kyungsoo looking inside the fridge, then at me.

"Oh, coffee's fine." I said, and placed my plate of waffles on the countertop. I was about to get some mugs when he already had two in hand. Before I could act, he was already pouring coffee from the coffeemaker.

"You want a little bit of cream with that, if I remember correctly?" he asked.

"Yeah, a bit," I paused, "Wait, how did you know that?"

He looked at me, puzzled. But he still smiled. "You told me, right?"

I stared at him while he put some cream in my coffee. Two spoonfuls, just the amount I wanted. "When did I say that?"

"Back in high school," he said, and handed the mug to me after stirring.

"Oh, in high school," I gulped, unsure of what to say. "I don't remember much of high school anymore, to be honest."

He looked startled for a split second, but his expression suddenly changed. He smiled and said, "Really? Well, it's been half a decade, I can't blame you for that."

"Ha ha, yeah.. been a long while now." I said, and took a sip of my coffee. He even knew how much cream I wanted. How much did I forget about high school? Did we even talk about coffee and cream in high school? Something's not adding up.

"Hey, I didn't know you drank coffee now." I suddenly said, because I saw him drinking from his mug. Black coffee at that.

"Yeah. Had no other choice actually. We don't get much sleep too." I nodded, because life as an idol does seem tough.

"But hey, you remembered that I don't drink coffee," he said. "But you can't remember that you told me about cream in your coffee."

I closed my eyes for a sec, because I was starting to feel the dizziness again.

Stop it. Thinking hard about it just makes it worse.

"I dunno either," I said, changing the topic. "Uhm, energy drinks. Don't you like energy drinks?" I had a vague memory of him liking energy drinks. When was it? Darn it, I can't really recall.

He raised both his eyebrows, surprised in the sudden topic shift. "Oh, I don't anymore."

"Why?"

"Because you don't like energy drinks."

I looked at him in surprise and he had a serious expression on his face; the expression that he always shows to the public. A somehow cold, and calculating look. It was like he was waiting for me to say something, but I couldn't think of anything.

He was right, I didn't like energy drinks, but what was his point?

“So, when are you two gonna join us outside?”

I almost jumped at the voice. I turned around and saw Clara by the doorway, with her arms folded and a slight smirk on her lips.

“Why, what’s up?” I asked, slightly thankful for the distraction - anything to break the staredown with Kyungsoo.

“Swimming! By the pool. You can use those clothes,” Clara pointed at my shorts and shirt. “And D.O, the guys have extra shorts if you need ‘em.”

“Thanks Clara,” Kyungsoo said. “We’ll be right out.” 

“Do they call you D.O. now?” I asked, after Clara left.

“Yeah, apparently they think it’s cooler.”

“Well, I like Kyungsoo better.”

“Thanks,” he smiled. “Do you remember what you used to call me back in high school?”

I gulped again. Why does he keep on asking about high school.. it’s so hard because I can’t remember. “Uh, no.. what did I call you?”

Again, he gave me a surprised look. “You-- you said it earlier--”

Before he could finish his sentence, loud splashes and laughter could be heard outside, as if a lot of people jumped into the pool at once. “Sounds like they’re having fun!” I said. I took the last waffle on my plate and wolfed it down. Seeing that I was in a rush, Kyungsoo promptly cleared the countertop and brought the plates and mugs to the sink. 

We made our way outside to the pool area where everyone was. Kyungsoo was quiet on the way out, but when I looked at him he just smiled at me. His smile caught me off guard because I almost slipped. His big eyes widened even more, and he quickly caught my arm in a flash. “You alright?” He asked worriedly. “I’m fine, thanks, the floor was slippery and these flipflops don’t help.” I said. He guided me to one of the lounge chairs, still holding on to my arm. I thanked him again and he left to change into shorts.

I didn’t notice that Clara was watching us until she plopped down beside me. “That was a cute sight.” She winked at me. “What cute sight?” I asked.

“Oh, don’t act coy, Dana,” another one of the girls said. “We all saw it.” Then some of the others cheered in response. “What? I don’t get it!” I exclaimed, looking around for answers but everyone was just smiling and teasing.

“Oh come on Danes. So how are you and D.O. now?” Clara asked. I shook my head in confusion. “Me? Kyungsoo? What about it?” The others just laughed again and kept teasing me, saying that they’ll just play along. But I really don’t get it.

“Any chance of you two rekindling the past?” Clara whispered.

My eyes widened at her question, but my face must’ve looked worried, because Clara’s smile faded to a more serious expression.

“Still nothing huh?” she asked. She immediately understood what I was thinking. I shook my head lightly. “I.. I tried, but I really just can’t.”

Clara squeezed my hand reassuringly. “So was it awkward? Did he bring it up?” I let out a heavy sigh. “I think he was trying to. He was asking about things from high school, and I can’t recall, you know. I didn’t know what to say.”

We were interrupted when we heard another loud splash in the water, followed by cheers. We turned to check and it was Kyungsoo who jumped in the pool, surrounded by the other guys. All laughing and cracking up jokes for sure.

“It’s okay Danes,” Clara said. “You don’t have to force it. You know what happens.”

“I think it also happened last night,” I immediately said. Clara’s eyes went wide when she suddenly realized. “You mean when you were taking meds last night-”

“Yup, it was when he arrived,” I nodded. I looked at the pool where Kyungsoo was. I spotted him glancing at me, and he averted his eyes when I caught him looking.

Clara let out a heavy sigh as well. “Wow, that’s.. I’m sorry, I don’t know what to say, are you gonna visit Stiles again?”

“Yeah, I don’t know if it has anything to do with that, but I’ll pay a visit and see.”

“Take it off! Take it off!”

Clara and I turned to see where the chanting was coming from and we saw the guys urging Kyungsoo to take off his shirt while he was in the pool. That’s when I noticed they were all swimming in shorts only, and Kyungsoo was the only one with a top on. He didn’t look like he’d budge even though they urged him to, so they gave up soon after. Clara laughed and said, “They can’t make him do that, he doesn’t even take off his top for his fans.”

“Really? Why?” I asked. It’s not like Kyungsoo’s body was not well-built, it looked okay to me. Did he have baby fats he wanted to hide?

“I don’t know really, all the other members of his group have either stripped during concerts or on their shows. He’s the only one who hasn’t. That’s why fans make a big deal out of it.” Clara explained.

“Wow, you’re really updated with EXO aren’t you?”

“No, not really,” she said almost too quickly. “They’re just all over the place. You’ll see articles and their faces everywhere even if you’re not a fan.”

“Touché .” I agreed, remembering the numerous billboards of EXO when I visited Japan and Hong Kong just last year. I even took a photo of Kyungsoo’s billboard, but of course I wouldn’t tell that to them. 

“So who brought me hangover medicine last night?” I asked Clara, suddenly remembering the medicine on the bedside table. “You knew I wasn’t drunk.”

“Yeah, I knew. But I’m not sure who brought those. Maybe Kyungsoo knows.”

I glanced at Kyungsoo again, and found him looking at me again. This time, he didn’t turn away, and I just kept staring back. Then he smiled, and waved, asking me to jump in the pool with them.

God, there was so much I’ve forgotten, and so much I wanted to remember.

✨ The Star & His First Love

🌟 Story Masterlist

[lupin-bun]

I said I’d explain.

I’ve been struggling with mental illness lately.

I’ve had depression for a few years now, ever since I was in an abusive relationship. The guy I was with seemed great to me. He was wonderful. He would look after me and be there for me. He was just a poor victim that the world was against. Or so he made out. He twisted things around so that everything was someone else’s fault. If someone got mad at him, it was because THEY had a problem. Because he was WONDERFUL!! What could he POSSIBLY have done wrong??? He lied and manipulated the truth round so that I defended him at every turn because I was so convinced that he was this poor innocent victim. He ended up turning me into a really horrible person and I turned on my friends and even my family in his defense. Whatever happened, I’d defend him to the death!! 

I pushed EVERYONE away. 

He made sure that he was the only person I had that “cared”. 

And then everything subtly shifted from being everyone else’s fault to being MY fault. And, if I dared talk back and attempt to stick up for myself, I apparently had social interaction issues. BUT OH, IT’S OK!! HE WAS THERE TO HELP ME OVERCOME THAT!! Because I definitely had an issue that he would “rescue me from” and “cure” with time.

I never cared about my body or how I looked until I met him. He didn’t say outright that he thought I was fat but he would make sneaky comments that would imply that (this was when I was 18 and still had the mindset of fat = ugly. I don’t have that mind set now!) I’d walk to meet him in the park, having skipped breakfast, which he KNEW I regularly did, and he’d pat my stomach all like “Ooh. Big breakfast this morning? Lol” and it started to creep into my brain that maybe I was too big. Maybe I should lose weight. I dropped to under 9st while I was with him.

Look at that non-existent waist-line. (I’m now 12st and happy with my curvier figure <3)

I bent over backwards to try and be what he wanted me to be and just abandoned what I wanted. But nothing I did was ever right. He’d want me to be a certain way, and if I did that, he didn’t like it because I wasn’t being true to myself. I just couldn’t win.

A few more insidious things happened that I won’t mention. Partly because I don’t want to relive it and partly because I don’t want to trigger anyone.

Over months I slowly started to realise what was happening. That I WAS being badly treated. I’d hang up the phone every night in tears and it WASN’T always my fault. But, what could I do? I had no-one left. No-one who cared about me. Even my parents didn’t want anything to do with me.

So I stayed with him because I would rather have put myself through THAT than be alone.

Fucking dead behind the eyes and zero smile.

Then he told me he fell in love with another girl. But he didn’t break it off with me straight away. No no no. He gave me a week to prove myself as the better girlfriend! Let me just reiterate that. He wanted to play me off against another girl for his affections and he would judge us on how much each of us wanted to be with him.

I was already stressed out to fuck and this was the final straw. He gave me this ultimatum on a Friday. Over the weekend, I got sick. I was getting migraines, I was vomiting, my throat was raw and I just thought fuck it. Ain’t no way I’m going to be able to prove myself like this. But I didn’t have it in me to break up with him. I HAD NO-ONE!!

And I nearly attempted suicide. An Oingo Boingo song playing at the right time ended up saving my life (’Out of Control’. Look it up. The lyrics are LITERALLY talking someone out of suicide so I took it as a sign that I should stick around). 

I decided to just bite the bullet. I went into college that Monday and walked to the little corridor outside the classroom where he was waiting for me. THE VERY FIRST WORDS OUT OF HIS MOUTH were

“Hey. Listen, if I decide to break up with you on Friday...”

and I didn’t let him finish the sentence. I just said

“I’m breaking up with you.” and walked away. I didn’t go into class. I just left. I walked to the park for a bit to calm down then walked to the part of the college where my mum worked. And just broke down. I cried so hard I burst a load of the little blood vessels in my eyelids. I apologised to my mum over and over and over again. 

And she forgave me. 

Just like that.

She called my teachers and told them that I wouldn’t be in class because I was sick (which was true. I was still coughing up half my internal organs) but she went a step further and asked them if I could stay out of class for the rest of the term seeing as I was up to date with all my coursework (there were only like 2 weeks left). 

My teachers agreed and I stayed home, crying for days on end. I lost a stone in weight in the space of 4 days (not forgetting, of course, that I was underweight to begin with).

Ever since then, I’ve been CRAP at keeping friends. Like, I’ll be fine for the most part. I’ll put up my “I’M AN AWESOME ARTIST WHO DON’T GIVE A FUCK!!” face which works. And I’m pretty well trained in the “fake smile” department, seeing as I’ve been in customer service for nearly 10 years now. 

But, honestly, I haven’t healed from what happened. I’ve never got back who I used to be. It’s been 8 years and I still shove people away if they get too close. In those 8 years, I’ve only been able to keep one friend. Char. I have another friend that I’ve met through work but I don’t trust myself to keep them for long. I’m just waiting for the day that I fuck up and snap and chase them off like I do with everyone else.

So that’s it. That’s my explanation. And that’s why Yondu really got to me and why I fell in love with him so hard. I really relate to him. I’m surrounded by people and maybe some of them love me but I don’t want to trust in that any more. I feel so cut off and alone, no matter how many people are around me. The biggest thought that goes through my head when I’m on a down with my depression is “I’m so lonely.” And it’s because I isolate MYSELF. I don’t want to ask for help in case I seem weak and pathetic and they hate me for it and they realise I’m just a useless waste of space. I’d rather just grit my teeth and battle through, no matter how much it hurts. Because nothing could hurt more than being that alone again.

[justanotherjunkiest93-blog]

about me

At 25 I can't believe that my life has reached this point. I was a miracle baby to an unlikely older couple. My mom was a 38 year old ex-heroin addict and my dad was a 43 year old business owner who never touched drugs in his life, never smoked cigarettes, and barely ever drank. I was a tiny premature baby and my mom's only child. She had thought that she couldn't have kids with the many miscarriages before me. Everything until the age of 5 is a blur to me but I mainly lived alone with my mom, only seeing my dad occasionally as he was abusive and my mom avoided him a lot. From 5-8 we moved back and forth and I spent about half of my time living with both my mom and dad. I remember random times when I thought he would kill her and I would call the cops on him for hitting her and one time when he kidnapped me from my grandmother's house. He pulled her by her hair and threw her down and took off with me. He brought me to disney and I was little so the distraction of being there was fun I didn't realize the gravity of the situation. As I got older I remember being extremely sexual. At 6 or 7 I remember my best friend and I would experiment with each other in the bathtub until her mom eventually found out. I remember all my strange fantasies, as a little girl for what ever reason I had such an obsession with sex and men. Oddly enough my friend did too so maybe it's normal. I mean when you think of 6-9 year old little girls you think of innocence but we were far from innocent. I had friends and I always spent time with my family (cousins, aunts, uncles, half brother, etc). Around 11 I guess my oddness started to show. I no longer hid my sexuality well, I had lots of online boyfriends and eventually real life ones too. My family on my dad's side caught on and talked a lot of shit amongst themselves and created a barrier that we are still not past. I will never trust them because of this and I saw their true personalities come out. They were so nice to my face but absolutely terrible behind my back. My cousins had issues with me being bi and talked a lot of shit to me about it. My female cousin on my dad's side of the family was the least accepting of my sexuality and treated me oddly ever since she knew I had an interest in females. My male cousin on my mom's side had been battling addiction and moved to florida for a change. He was in my life a lot and I loved him dearly. He was a heroin addict and I guess my mom and him did drugs together but back then I didn't realize that's what was going on and I still haven't had a confirmation of it. I talked to a lot of perverts online and kept myself busy. So many older men had an interest in me just because I was young and it all seemed so normal then but looking back it was so sick. There was this guy named robbie who was a virgin, cross-dresser, and definitely a pedophile. I ended up meeting him in new jersey when I was 13 and attempting to have sex with him. I can't believe I did that and I can't believe nothing happened to me. You hear all these crazy stories but I met this sicko and he didn't try to kidnap me, rape me, or kill me like everyone seems to think would happen. I got my period around 11 and had fully developed breasts while still in elementary school. I barely fit in during these years. Random older men always hit on me everywhere I went, they must've known I was too young looking back I just don't think its possible that they didn't know. I liked the attention, it made me feel pretty. ` My first kiss was at 12 to a boy named brandon who fell in love with my best friend and used to get in rages and hit me. We only lasted a week and he never did any severe damage to me just to clarify he didn't beat me just literally a slap here and there. I don't know why but I said he raped me, he didn't rape me I willingly gave him head. Maybe I was embarrassed at what I had done I don't know why I lied about him like that. I lost my virginity at 12 to a 17 year old goth boy and some random girl he brought over with him. He knew he was too old for me and made me lie to his friends and say I was 16. He was my first real boyfriend. We lasted for a year but barely ever saw each other. I lost my virginity to him on valentine's day and we had a threesome with this random girl he brought with him. We broke up shortly after. I was always taught to be non-judgemental and I hung out with girls that were considered to be sluts, even though at this age I was a straight A honor roll student (other than my issues with attendance). I had always had excruciatingly bad periods and migraines which kept me from going to school. Eventually missing all of this school got me to be picked on which resulted in my not wanting to g even more. From 12 to 13 I had random older boyfriends some knew my age others thought I was 16. My friend had convinced me to tell everyone I was 16 and hooked me a up with a bunch of 20 something guys. Most of them just fingered me and kissed me, I always avoided going further than that. I've never enjoyed sex, I only do it to please whoever I'm with. I ended up hanging out with this girl named Anna who convinced me to skip school all the time. She's actually the one who taught me how to get places on the city bus. We also used to get rides from random men that I thought she knew. One day her "cousin" picked us up and went to his house. She spoke to him in spanish and told me to say yes to whatever he asked me. He gave her money and we went in his house. I followed her upstairs and she undressed me in front of him. I was confused and just went with it. Somehow I ended up being held down by her while he licked in between my legs and got on top of me. He started having sex with me and I was terrified. I cried and told him no. He wiped my face and seemed confused. I guess he thought I wanted it. As we left I looked upstairs and saw men with guns pointed at us. I guess it’s a good thing I didn't fight him. We left and I fought with her but she pretended that she thought I wanted it. I went into a depression after this and put up a big fight not to goto school. Eventually I told someone at school and ended up at a hospital being questioned about the whole ordeal. No one believed me because I lied about how many people I had sex with and gave different numbers to everyone. I was embarrassed about it all. They also thought I did it for drugs, apparently this happened to other girls who admitted to doing it for drugs. Back then I had never touched any drugs. I met my first true love and fell head over heals for him. But I couldn't be loyal. I loved him so much, bordering upon obsession. I was so extremely jealous over him and wouldn't even let him smoke cigarettes because I was scared he would die before me. Yet even that level of innocent infatuation couldn't force me to be good to him. I would abuse him physically and verbally and expect him to just take it which he did for over a year.Over this year I started shoplifting, switched schools many times, and smoked weed for the first time. I didn't like anything drug wise that I tried at that point and hated drinking. Eventually I fell in lust for someone else and still wanted him but he left me. The lust I had for this guy turned to love quickly and I've spent the past 11 years with him. Our 11 year relationship is definitely part of what brought me down but he meant and still means the world to me. The first year was full of lies, he told me he was 25 but I later found out he was 35. He told me he had no kids, he had 6. His ex was pregnant in jail which of course he lied about amongst other things. One day I went on a school trip, came back a week later to a week old baby. I resented her at first but fell in love. He would leave me locked in a room with her while he would go smoke weed and chill with his friends. We became close. One day he got kicked out of his place and stayed with me. I had to sneak him in so we had to leave his daughter at his cousin's house. I cheated on him too despite my love for him and he would beat my ass for it but I still told him every time. Monogamy just hasn't been for me even though I don't think I could put up with my partner cheating on me all the time. Back then I couldn't even deal with porn, I was majorly jealous of it. As I got older my menstrual problems got worse (it turns out I have endometriosis but they didn't know that then) and my mom would have to share her pain meds with me on occasion just to keep me from screaming and crying in pain. I still didn't have drug problem just yet, I did like how they made me feel though. Over the years with him we had many ups and downs. I eventually me his kids and found out his real age. It definitely caused problems but at that point I loved him too much to leave him. We had threesomes and went on shopping sprees all the time. He smoked his weed but that was it. This all changed though. He started buying me pills here and there for my pain but he encouraged me to take them when I wasn't in pain too. The sex was better when I was high and it made me less jealous so needless to say he loved getting me high.  For years percocets and vicodan were my thing. I denied having a problem despite my need to take them everyday. Back then I just took crumbs of them here and there and he smoked weed and spice when he was on probation. The spice fucked his brain chemistry up though and his personality became more addictive. He wanted to get high just to get high and would do almost any drug. Eventualy his ex step son introduced us to smoking blues. It was amazing. He got addicted quick. I still just took crumbs of them, but blues made me feel normal like other people. It was like I felt like myself for the first time in life. Over the years I completed school and went to college. I had a passion for animals and an interest in psychiatry and law. The drugs helped me keep up with my classes, I was a functioning addict. My grandmother, who was the closest to normal that I ever had in life, passed. My drug use skyrocketed. During this time we had sex with alot of prostitutes because it was impossible to make him cum when he did pills and he would force me to keep going or we would get into giant fights. He ended up smoking crack with one of them and that was the death of the man I fell in love with. He only did it a couple more times and stopped but then we got his kids back and a house up the street from the dealer. Before I knew it he was stealing from me, beating me and forcing me to give him money, and selling me for crack. He was a full blown crack addict. He was absolutely disgusting to me when he did crack. He would shake, sweat, and jerk his tiny non hard dick to pictures of half naked girls which for whatever reason bothered me even more than porn. He would get mad at me all the time and beat me for no apparent reason. He sold most of what we had and broke the rest in his rages. I thought he would kill me so many times and the kids and neighbors could hear my screams and pleading for my life but no one came to my rescue. He would disappear all the time and I missed him despite the torture he put me through, however things were close to normal when he was gone. One day a prostitute he knew came over and brought a woman named angie and her four kids over. She was an addict living in a stolen uhaul with her kids. Between her and my mom, my boyfriend learned to shoot up and switched from crack head to junkie. I liked him a lot better as a junkie he was a lot easier to deal with. We let her stay with us and took care of her kids. Eventually we got attached to her kids. She however was causing problems, nodding out all the time, leaving the front door unlocked at all hours, and bringing people in when we were sleeping. We told her she had to leave but her kids could stay until she had somewhere to go. My dad was out of town and I stayed with my mom for a few days. I stopped by to see him and the kids and he seemed to be smoking crack (kept locking himself in the bathroom with his magazines) and I left a little while later. The next day I got a phone call from angie saying that he touched her daughter. Right after that he called me saying he didn't know what she was talking about. When I got to the house he was in a cop car, his 2 oldest kids ran away, and everything was a mess. He was drugged up so I've questioned if he did it or not but his own kids were in the room, he had plenty of time alone with this girl and never touched her, and she had a crush on him so I'm not sure how she would've reacted if this would've happened. I spent the night confused. She seemed oddly normal and even laughed and called him a pervert. Her mom told me all kinds of crazy stories about him which to this day I don't know whats true and whats not. The next morning I got ready to go out with his 2 younger daughters and angie's daugher wanted to come after what happened I told her she should stay home. She begged me to bring her so expecting her mom to say no I told her to go ask her mom. She comes back and says her mom said yes. We went out and next thing I know cops are calling saying I have to let them pick me up or I'll get arrested for kidnapping. They brought me back, searched me, arrested me for having pills and a knife. They left my valuables at the house and when I got out of jail it was all gone. She rushed me out saying there was a protective order against me and I lost almost everything I had there. She lied a lot and had a lot to gain getting us out of the house. She had done similar stuff to other people so I don't know what to think. My end conclusion after speaking to his public defender is that he didn't do it. He was facing life but they gave him a plea deal of battery I mean would they have done that with a guilty man? I'll never know. Many more ups and downs came. I stopped taking pills for a year until I ended up hurting my back and actually needing them to get out of bed. One day I ran out early though. My ex was busy and couldn't get me to the pill lady in time and shot me up. I was ok with it since I had IV drugs in the hospital before. I loved the feeling it was the best thing in the world. That was 1 or 2 years ago and I haven't stopped since. Before I started shooting up I put other people above me and truly loved other people and things. I was an ok person. I never stole from anyone other than a store and I had goals. I was smart and could've done anything I wanted in life. But now here I am. I upgraded from pills to heroin and still had some morals left but they slowly faded. I was high all the time and was nodding out everywhere. Everyone saw the change in me and I hated them for knowing even though they were right. Opiates always helped me function up until this point but as I Started shooting them I got lazier and lazier. Withdrawal is hell, they say it's like a cold but I beg to differ. I got worse and worse but still cared about myself. We panhandled to get by until I let my mom try the heroin we had. She had pain pills that she shot up but she was still always in pain and I thought the heroin would help her. It did get her out of pain but she became addicted just like us. My mom and I both stole from my dad to feed his habit which eventually came to an end. But we switched back to pills instead of stopping. I tried suboxone but found myself In so much pain with my back that I needed the pills. I didn't have insurance anymore and couldn't go back to pain management. My primary doctor prescribed tramadol, soma, xanax, and lyrica to me but he couldn't prescribe enough to get me through more than a couple weeks. Every month I would take this cocktail of pills for a week or 2 until I ran out and found myself back to shooting up. Now laws have been cracked down on and my doctor can't prescribe tramadol or soma anymore. So I see no end in sight anymore. I always planned on using them to stop entirely but that will never happen.  I cant afford pain management and can only find pills that cost $25 and up on the street. It seems like there's no hope in stopping but also no hope in continuing. I've thought of detoxing and stopping but the pain is unbearable not only can I not seem to make it through withdrawal pain, I also can't take the pain in my back even when I have medicine like suboxone to help me withdrawal. I'm suicidal but too scared to actually commit suicide, and hopeless despite the long future ahead of me. My mom's life is a mess because of me and she is no longer the loving mother she once was. My family on her side stopped caring about me pretty much when my grandmother passed away. My dad and I have always had a rocky relationship and I don't trust him with my problems. My dad's family is two-faced and I don't feel I can turn to them. Over the years with my man I have lost all of my friends and since all I care about are drugs its hard to make new ones. My man is in jail and the last i heard he was throwing up stuff that looked like blood and passed out twice, they moved him to the infirmiry and I have no way of knowing how he is. I have another boyfriend which I feel tremendous guilt over.I have tried to leave him but he threatens suicide and makes it really hard. He's never been through this and just doesn't understand. I'm scared I might be pregnant and don't know what to do. I have no goals in life anymore. I used to be so pretty but I feel so ugly and useless now. I don't know how to force myself to change when I just don't seem to have the will to keep going. I always told myself this wouldn't be me, but here I am.