justanotherjunkiest93-blog

[justanotherjunkiest93-blog]

about me

At 25 I can't believe that my life has reached this point. I was a miracle baby to an unlikely older couple. My mom was a 38 year old ex-heroin addict and my dad was a 43 year old business owner who never touched drugs in his life, never smoked cigarettes, and barely ever drank. I was a tiny premature baby and my mom's only child. She had thought that she couldn't have kids with the many miscarriages before me. Everything until the age of 5 is a blur to me but I mainly lived alone with my mom, only seeing my dad occasionally as he was abusive and my mom avoided him a lot. From 5-8 we moved back and forth and I spent about half of my time living with both my mom and dad. I remember random times when I thought he would kill her and I would call the cops on him for hitting her and one time when he kidnapped me from my grandmother's house. He pulled her by her hair and threw her down and took off with me. He brought me to disney and I was little so the distraction of being there was fun I didn't realize the gravity of the situation. As I got older I remember being extremely sexual. At 6 or 7 I remember my best friend and I would experiment with each other in the bathtub until her mom eventually found out. I remember all my strange fantasies, as a little girl for what ever reason I had such an obsession with sex and men. Oddly enough my friend did too so maybe it's normal. I mean when you think of 6-9 year old little girls you think of innocence but we were far from innocent. I had friends and I always spent time with my family (cousins, aunts, uncles, half brother, etc). Around 11 I guess my oddness started to show. I no longer hid my sexuality well, I had lots of online boyfriends and eventually real life ones too. My family on my dad's side caught on and talked a lot of shit amongst themselves and created a barrier that we are still not past. I will never trust them because of this and I saw their true personalities come out. They were so nice to my face but absolutely terrible behind my back. My cousins had issues with me being bi and talked a lot of shit to me about it. My female cousin on my dad's side of the family was the least accepting of my sexuality and treated me oddly ever since she knew I had an interest in females. My male cousin on my mom's side had been battling addiction and moved to florida for a change. He was in my life a lot and I loved him dearly. He was a heroin addict and I guess my mom and him did drugs together but back then I didn't realize that's what was going on and I still haven't had a confirmation of it. I talked to a lot of perverts online and kept myself busy. So many older men had an interest in me just because I was young and it all seemed so normal then but looking back it was so sick. There was this guy named robbie who was a virgin, cross-dresser, and definitely a pedophile. I ended up meeting him in new jersey when I was 13 and attempting to have sex with him. I can't believe I did that and I can't believe nothing happened to me. You hear all these crazy stories but I met this sicko and he didn't try to kidnap me, rape me, or kill me like everyone seems to think would happen. I got my period around 11 and had fully developed breasts while still in elementary school. I barely fit in during these years. Random older men always hit on me everywhere I went, they must've known I was too young looking back I just don't think its possible that they didn't know. I liked the attention, it made me feel pretty. ` My first kiss was at 12 to a boy named brandon who fell in love with my best friend and used to get in rages and hit me. We only lasted a week and he never did any severe damage to me just to clarify he didn't beat me just literally a slap here and there. I don't know why but I said he raped me, he didn't rape me I willingly gave him head. Maybe I was embarrassed at what I had done I don't know why I lied about him like that. I lost my virginity at 12 to a 17 year old goth boy and some random girl he brought over with him. He knew he was too old for me and made me lie to his friends and say I was 16. He was my first real boyfriend. We lasted for a year but barely ever saw each other. I lost my virginity to him on valentine's day and we had a threesome with this random girl he brought with him. We broke up shortly after. I was always taught to be non-judgemental and I hung out with girls that were considered to be sluts, even though at this age I was a straight A honor roll student (other than my issues with attendance). I had always had excruciatingly bad periods and migraines which kept me from going to school. Eventually missing all of this school got me to be picked on which resulted in my not wanting to g even more. From 12 to 13 I had random older boyfriends some knew my age others thought I was 16. My friend had convinced me to tell everyone I was 16 and hooked me a up with a bunch of 20 something guys. Most of them just fingered me and kissed me, I always avoided going further than that. I've never enjoyed sex, I only do it to please whoever I'm with. I ended up hanging out with this girl named Anna who convinced me to skip school all the time. She's actually the one who taught me how to get places on the city bus. We also used to get rides from random men that I thought she knew. One day her "cousin" picked us up and went to his house. She spoke to him in spanish and told me to say yes to whatever he asked me. He gave her money and we went in his house. I followed her upstairs and she undressed me in front of him. I was confused and just went with it. Somehow I ended up being held down by her while he licked in between my legs and got on top of me. He started having sex with me and I was terrified. I cried and told him no. He wiped my face and seemed confused. I guess he thought I wanted it. As we left I looked upstairs and saw men with guns pointed at us. I guess it’s a good thing I didn't fight him. We left and I fought with her but she pretended that she thought I wanted it. I went into a depression after this and put up a big fight not to goto school. Eventually I told someone at school and ended up at a hospital being questioned about the whole ordeal. No one believed me because I lied about how many people I had sex with and gave different numbers to everyone. I was embarrassed about it all. They also thought I did it for drugs, apparently this happened to other girls who admitted to doing it for drugs. Back then I had never touched any drugs. I met my first true love and fell head over heals for him. But I couldn't be loyal. I loved him so much, bordering upon obsession. I was so extremely jealous over him and wouldn't even let him smoke cigarettes because I was scared he would die before me. Yet even that level of innocent infatuation couldn't force me to be good to him. I would abuse him physically and verbally and expect him to just take it which he did for over a year.Over this year I started shoplifting, switched schools many times, and smoked weed for the first time. I didn't like anything drug wise that I tried at that point and hated drinking. Eventually I fell in lust for someone else and still wanted him but he left me. The lust I had for this guy turned to love quickly and I've spent the past 11 years with him. Our 11 year relationship is definitely part of what brought me down but he meant and still means the world to me. The first year was full of lies, he told me he was 25 but I later found out he was 35. He told me he had no kids, he had 6. His ex was pregnant in jail which of course he lied about amongst other things. One day I went on a school trip, came back a week later to a week old baby. I resented her at first but fell in love. He would leave me locked in a room with her while he would go smoke weed and chill with his friends. We became close. One day he got kicked out of his place and stayed with me. I had to sneak him in so we had to leave his daughter at his cousin's house. I cheated on him too despite my love for him and he would beat my ass for it but I still told him every time. Monogamy just hasn't been for me even though I don't think I could put up with my partner cheating on me all the time. Back then I couldn't even deal with porn, I was majorly jealous of it. As I got older my menstrual problems got worse (it turns out I have endometriosis but they didn't know that then) and my mom would have to share her pain meds with me on occasion just to keep me from screaming and crying in pain. I still didn't have drug problem just yet, I did like how they made me feel though. Over the years with him we had many ups and downs. I eventually me his kids and found out his real age. It definitely caused problems but at that point I loved him too much to leave him. We had threesomes and went on shopping sprees all the time. He smoked his weed but that was it. This all changed though. He started buying me pills here and there for my pain but he encouraged me to take them when I wasn't in pain too. The sex was better when I was high and it made me less jealous so needless to say he loved getting me high.  For years percocets and vicodan were my thing. I denied having a problem despite my need to take them everyday. Back then I just took crumbs of them here and there and he smoked weed and spice when he was on probation. The spice fucked his brain chemistry up though and his personality became more addictive. He wanted to get high just to get high and would do almost any drug. Eventualy his ex step son introduced us to smoking blues. It was amazing. He got addicted quick. I still just took crumbs of them, but blues made me feel normal like other people. It was like I felt like myself for the first time in life. Over the years I completed school and went to college. I had a passion for animals and an interest in psychiatry and law. The drugs helped me keep up with my classes, I was a functioning addict. My grandmother, who was the closest to normal that I ever had in life, passed. My drug use skyrocketed. During this time we had sex with alot of prostitutes because it was impossible to make him cum when he did pills and he would force me to keep going or we would get into giant fights. He ended up smoking crack with one of them and that was the death of the man I fell in love with. He only did it a couple more times and stopped but then we got his kids back and a house up the street from the dealer. Before I knew it he was stealing from me, beating me and forcing me to give him money, and selling me for crack. He was a full blown crack addict. He was absolutely disgusting to me when he did crack. He would shake, sweat, and jerk his tiny non hard dick to pictures of half naked girls which for whatever reason bothered me even more than porn. He would get mad at me all the time and beat me for no apparent reason. He sold most of what we had and broke the rest in his rages. I thought he would kill me so many times and the kids and neighbors could hear my screams and pleading for my life but no one came to my rescue. He would disappear all the time and I missed him despite the torture he put me through, however things were close to normal when he was gone. One day a prostitute he knew came over and brought a woman named angie and her four kids over. She was an addict living in a stolen uhaul with her kids. Between her and my mom, my boyfriend learned to shoot up and switched from crack head to junkie. I liked him a lot better as a junkie he was a lot easier to deal with. We let her stay with us and took care of her kids. Eventually we got attached to her kids. She however was causing problems, nodding out all the time, leaving the front door unlocked at all hours, and bringing people in when we were sleeping. We told her she had to leave but her kids could stay until she had somewhere to go. My dad was out of town and I stayed with my mom for a few days. I stopped by to see him and the kids and he seemed to be smoking crack (kept locking himself in the bathroom with his magazines) and I left a little while later. The next day I got a phone call from angie saying that he touched her daughter. Right after that he called me saying he didn't know what she was talking about. When I got to the house he was in a cop car, his 2 oldest kids ran away, and everything was a mess. He was drugged up so I've questioned if he did it or not but his own kids were in the room, he had plenty of time alone with this girl and never touched her, and she had a crush on him so I'm not sure how she would've reacted if this would've happened. I spent the night confused. She seemed oddly normal and even laughed and called him a pervert. Her mom told me all kinds of crazy stories about him which to this day I don't know whats true and whats not. The next morning I got ready to go out with his 2 younger daughters and angie's daugher wanted to come after what happened I told her she should stay home. She begged me to bring her so expecting her mom to say no I told her to go ask her mom. She comes back and says her mom said yes. We went out and next thing I know cops are calling saying I have to let them pick me up or I'll get arrested for kidnapping. They brought me back, searched me, arrested me for having pills and a knife. They left my valuables at the house and when I got out of jail it was all gone. She rushed me out saying there was a protective order against me and I lost almost everything I had there. She lied a lot and had a lot to gain getting us out of the house. She had done similar stuff to other people so I don't know what to think. My end conclusion after speaking to his public defender is that he didn't do it. He was facing life but they gave him a plea deal of battery I mean would they have done that with a guilty man? I'll never know. Many more ups and downs came. I stopped taking pills for a year until I ended up hurting my back and actually needing them to get out of bed. One day I ran out early though. My ex was busy and couldn't get me to the pill lady in time and shot me up. I was ok with it since I had IV drugs in the hospital before. I loved the feeling it was the best thing in the world. That was 1 or 2 years ago and I haven't stopped since. Before I started shooting up I put other people above me and truly loved other people and things. I was an ok person. I never stole from anyone other than a store and I had goals. I was smart and could've done anything I wanted in life. But now here I am. I upgraded from pills to heroin and still had some morals left but they slowly faded. I was high all the time and was nodding out everywhere. Everyone saw the change in me and I hated them for knowing even though they were right. Opiates always helped me function up until this point but as I Started shooting them I got lazier and lazier. Withdrawal is hell, they say it's like a cold but I beg to differ. I got worse and worse but still cared about myself. We panhandled to get by until I let my mom try the heroin we had. She had pain pills that she shot up but she was still always in pain and I thought the heroin would help her. It did get her out of pain but she became addicted just like us. My mom and I both stole from my dad to feed his habit which eventually came to an end. But we switched back to pills instead of stopping. I tried suboxone but found myself In so much pain with my back that I needed the pills. I didn't have insurance anymore and couldn't go back to pain management. My primary doctor prescribed tramadol, soma, xanax, and lyrica to me but he couldn't prescribe enough to get me through more than a couple weeks. Every month I would take this cocktail of pills for a week or 2 until I ran out and found myself back to shooting up. Now laws have been cracked down on and my doctor can't prescribe tramadol or soma anymore. So I see no end in sight anymore. I always planned on using them to stop entirely but that will never happen.  I cant afford pain management and can only find pills that cost $25 and up on the street. It seems like there's no hope in stopping but also no hope in continuing. I've thought of detoxing and stopping but the pain is unbearable not only can I not seem to make it through withdrawal pain, I also can't take the pain in my back even when I have medicine like suboxone to help me withdrawal. I'm suicidal but too scared to actually commit suicide, and hopeless despite the long future ahead of me. My mom's life is a mess because of me and she is no longer the loving mother she once was. My family on her side stopped caring about me pretty much when my grandmother passed away. My dad and I have always had a rocky relationship and I don't trust him with my problems. My dad's family is two-faced and I don't feel I can turn to them. Over the years with my man I have lost all of my friends and since all I care about are drugs its hard to make new ones. My man is in jail and the last i heard he was throwing up stuff that looked like blood and passed out twice, they moved him to the infirmiry and I have no way of knowing how he is. I have another boyfriend which I feel tremendous guilt over.I have tried to leave him but he threatens suicide and makes it really hard. He's never been through this and just doesn't understand. I'm scared I might be pregnant and don't know what to do. I have no goals in life anymore. I used to be so pretty but I feel so ugly and useless now. I don't know how to force myself to change when I just don't seem to have the will to keep going. I always told myself this wouldn't be me, but here I am.