#i could be wrong but i don't remember this having a particularly sad ending except for them not being together

[indie-queer-movie-tournament]

Mario

Follow your heart, or play by the rules? Two young gay soccer players get caught up between the politics of the game and the politics of love.

Letterboxd:

the reason why this is so sad is that it's realistic :/ fuck toxic masculinity, fuck toxic masculinity in sports and fuck homophobia

[t-r99]

Stay

Rin pushed everyone away in order to train to become the best, but that was a mistake.

the more i read it, the more i hate it, but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Itoshi Rin x reader

wc: 2.4k

Even though Rin has hated being at home ever since his brother came back from Spain, it was impossible to spend every single moment outside the house. Every morning he went out, not caring if Sae would be home or not, and spent the day out until nightfall. Blue Lock, while not particularly enjoyable at first, had still been an escape and kept Rin far away from Sae.

The only thing he missed was . . .

No. No, no more of that. He has more important things to think about. Crushing Sae and becoming the world's best are no longer his only goals, beating Isagi is now on the list, too.

Rin sighs. It's getting late.

He's barely two minutes from home when he sees you, feeling like he's been punched in the gut. You're standing outside your house and carrying a plastic bag with the logo of the small convenience store five minutes away. It almost slips from your grasp when you spot Rin.

The last time you actually spoke to each other was right here, in front of your house. It was snowing that evening, too, quiet and calm just as it is now.

I shouldn't, You tell yourself. You almost want to start an argument with him but you just can't be bothered. Rin already made what he wanted clear months ago so you just look away from him and say, "Congrats on winning."

Rin doesn't have a right to feel down, he knows that. He doesn't get to be upset that your voice is colder than the snow and ice around him, this was his own doing.

"Excuse me."

"Wait." The word flies out of his mouth before he even realizes it. Rin gulps, feeling way to warm all of a sudden. "Wait." He repeats, more quiet this time.

"Why?"

You don't turn to him, and why would you? Rin thinks back to that damned evening when his brother came home and proceeded to crush Rin's dreams and break his spirit down.

He gulps again. "Can we talk?"

"No."

He doesn't have the right to demand, he knows that. Rin doesn't get to make any demands after ending your lifelong friendship out of the blue. He was hurting back then and he just wanted to die, but he knows it's not an excuse.

"At least stand by what you said." You say it so quietly that he almost doesn't hear.

Rin wishes he could take it back. "What I said was wrong."

"Saying that won't erase it." You push the gate to your house open and close it behind you, not saying bye or good night as you walk inside.

Rin thinks back to when he ended your friendship. Looking back now, he knows that he hurt you just as badly as Sae hurt him. He was being unfair when he took his pain and frustrations out on you.

Rin wishes he was strong and brave enough to go and knock on your door and ask to talk again.

He wants to apologize, not beg for forgiveness. You don't owe him your forgiveness, but he definitely owes you a proper apology.

Rin sighs and whispers your name to himself. "Good night."

*

It's awkward at home.

Rin hates having to live under the same roof as Sae again. He spent all those years waiting for his brother to come home only for the bastard to stomp on what was once their shared dream and spit down upon Rin like he was nothing.

He just can't bring himself to say anything to their parents, and neither can Sae. There are times when Rin thinks he's hallucinating, brief moments when Sae's typical stoic expression changes and Rin swears he can see sadness on his brother's face.

It only pisses him off.

Rin gets particularly angry one evening and heads out after dinner, telling his parents he's taking a late walk. It ends up being quite a short one when he comes to a halt only a few houses down.

On the other side of the road, your house is mostly dark except for a single lit up room. Yours.

Rin remembers your shared childhood and teenage years fondly. He helped you decorate your room when you were ten years old and your family moved into that house. Well, Sae was there, too, but screw his bitch ass.

Speaking of him, though, if Sae was next to Rin right now he would probably call his little brother tepid, and a coward.

Rin looks up at your window. Your blinds are down, but the light is on. Are you home alone, or is your family already in bed? Should he go and ring the doorbell? Text you? Call? What if you've blocked him? Rin wouldn't know, he never called or texted you after that evening, after all.

Ah, forget it. You don't want to see him anyways and he knows it.

Rin lowers his head and walks away instead. Maybe he can find the courage to try to talk to you in a few days, before he returns to Blue Lock.

It starts to snow as he walks.

He thinks back to that evening after losing the one on one against Sae. They walked home together, but not side by side like Rin had grown up hoping they would after Sae's return from Spain. He had walked a few steps behind his older brother, absolutely crushed. They were both silent while walking, the only sound coming from them walking in the snow and Sae pulling his suitcase behind him.

You spotted the brothers outside and welcomed Sae home, but it quickly became obvious that he wasn’t happy to be back. Rin looked even worse than his brother and ignored you. He met you in school the next day and you were being your usual self, but Rin had changed. He didn't look at you, only told you to leave him alone. Of course you asked what was wrong, but he only repeated himself and told you to shut your mouth.

Damn, why did he do that?

He will never forget the talk you had outside your house.

What an idiot Rin had been.

His walk takes him around the neighborhood and past your house again. Rin keeps his head down and forces himself to not look at your house where you are, whom he so desperately wishes he could talk to.

*

It's snowing.

You sit in silence and watch it snow in silence for so long that you completely lose track of time. It's always nice to be home alone and sit by the window like this, watching the snow fall.

It takes you by surprise to see Rin outside. His hands are shoved into his jacket pockets, head held down and walking at a slow pace.

Maybe you should . . .

No, no, no. How could you ever forget what he said? The kindest thing he called you back then was a stupid and naive brat and to stay the fuck away from him. Why would you ever agree to talk to him now?

Stupid Rin, You think.

You're even dumber than him.

As fast as you can, you run downstairs and bolt out of the house, almost slipping a few times.

"Rin! Rin!"

He freezes.

You feel stupid now. This is probably a bad idea. "You wanted to talk." You feel awkward. Ideally you would have a speech planned and call him out for his words and actions, but instead you find yourself unprepared to talk to him and your mind goes blank.

Rin turns. There's so much he wants to say.

"Rin . . ." Your vision blurs as tears build up but you won't look away, keeping your gaze locked with his. "Why did you say all that?"

To say that he was hurting would be a coward's answer. Rin wishes he could give you a reason that doesn't hurt you even more. If he tells you that he was hurt himself then you'll ask him why he would end your friendship rather than come to you for support and he doesn't have an answer to that.

Shit, he's so pathetic.

"It was wrong." Rin finally says.

"Yes it was." You say, voice so harsh it almost makes him flinch. "That's not what I was asking, though."

He really has nothing. Rin's mind goes blank as he tries to figure out what to say. He's so used to being in control of every situation he's in that this feels nerve wracking.

His silence makes you sigh and look down. "I see." You murmur.

Wait, you're not going back inside are you? Rin can't let you walk away now, you'll never talk to him again. He doesn't want to live and chase his dreams if you're not at his side.

Rin doesn't think, he just acts.

He quickly rushes up to you, arms wrapping around and holding you tight. He hasn't hugged you like this since you were children, not realizing just how badly he missed it.

"R- Rin . . . ?"

He just squeezes tighter and hides his face in your shoulder. It feels good to hold you like this.

"Come inside, it's cold."

*

"What I said was wrong." Rin says again. He doesn't know what else to say other than admitting his words were cruel and wrong that day.

"So what made you say it?"

"It was . . ." Rin's sitting on your mattress, cross legged with his hands on his knees. He's uncomfortable and tensed up, certain you will tell him to piss off and never talk to him again once he's done telling you what happened. "My brother came home . . ." His nails dig into his jeans. "I was so happy to see him but he," Rin gulps. “he was different."

It doesn't take him long to tell you. After all, it's such a short story. All Sae did was show up, beat Rin, and use as few words as possible to crush his dream.

"Rin,"

"I wasn't really thinking back then."

"Rin,"

He holds his own knees tightly. "I shouldn't have taken it out on you, I know that now." He squeezes his eyes shut as tears start to build up.

"Rin."

"I- I'm . . . I'm sorry that I-"

"Rin."

He finally stops, looking up at you with a gasp.

"Why didn't you talk to me?"

That's a good question. Why didn't Rin just talk to you instead? "I don't . . . know . . ." He mumbles, looking down in shame.

It doesn't fix anything. It doesn't take away the pain he caused you. It only tells you why he did. It's ridiculous. All this over a damn sport . . .

"I get it . . ." Rin says quietly. "I get it if you never walk to talk to me again. I just . . . I wanted to apologize."

"No need."

"Huh . . . ?" Rin looks up at you.

You're looking out the window. "I won't forgive you anyway."

He knew that already. Why would you ever forgive him?

Rin gulps as he watches you in silence. He's never seen you sad before. You've always had a smile on your face, but he changed that. Rin's dumb ass hurt you enough to erase your smile and he hates himself for it.

Rin forces himself to say, "I get it."

"Hey, Rin . . ."

He feels a sliver of hope. "Yeah?"

"Did beating Sae-san make you feel any better?"

Maybe it did a little bit in the moment, but Sae managed to ruin that, too. He didn't acknowledge Rin as a striker, or even praise him. Sae hadn't even said something as simple as a quick, "That was a good match."

Was it worth it? Was pushing everyone, including you, away worth it? Sure, Blue Lock won and Rin beat Sae in that final moment, but now he realizes how stupid it was to end your friendship all in the name of dedicating his life to training and bettering himself.

"It wasn't worth it." Rin knows it's stupid to say that. He knows that it'll only hurt you more but he doesn't want to lie to you. "I shouldn't have hurt you."

"Dumbass."

Yeah, you're not wrong there. Rin really is a dumbass. "You're being nice by only saying that."

"You want me to yell at you and call you everything under the sun?" You ask.

Well, he does deserve it.

"I miss you, you know." You say in a small voice.

Really?

"I miss my best friend."

Still just friends, huh? Rin kind of wants to punch himself for having those thoughts, but he's not going to make things even worse so he says the same, "I miss my friend, too." You're still looking out the window. From where you're sitting you can see Rin's house where the lights are still turned on. "Maybe we should talk more tomorrow, your parents will wonder where you are."

Who cares about that? Rin wants to stay here with you forever.

He doesn't want to impose, though. Rin simply nods and stands up after you, but he can't bring himself to walk. You notice that he's standing still and turn to him. "You good?"

He's quiet, looking down at the floor.

"Rin?"

He's so deep in thought that he doesn't even hear your voice. Rin is too busy trying to make a decision. He doesn't know if he should just leave and come back tomorrow to talk some more . . . or stay and risk ruining everything.

You step up to him and say his name again, putting a hand on his arm. It pulls Rin from his thoughts and he finally looks up from the floor.

Rin murmurs your name softly and holds your face in his hands. He doesn't know what to say, there probably isn't anything he can say right now. He still wants to apologize for hurting you, but you told him not to. I'm about to ruin everything, Rin thinks.

You’re quiet, eyes wide with surprise with how he's holding your face so gently.

"Can I stay?" Rin asks, thumbs caressing your cheeks softly.

Your face heats up at his touch and your heart is pounding from how close he is. He's close, You think, gulping. So close.

Rin's eyes, framed by thick lashes, stare intensely into yours and you suddenly feel the need to look away but he's holding you in place. You've never seen this look in them.

“Rin . . ."

"Can I?" He asks again.

Yes is on your mind, right on the tip of your tongue, but you can't get anything out when you part your lips.

Your pretty and soft looking lips that Rin's gaze travels down to. Rin wonders if they're as soft as they look, inching ever closer. "Can I?"

It won't erase the past and it won't magically fix everything, but you're willing to try to mend things, though it won't be as simple friends if he actually closes the gap and kisses you.

You really want him to stay. "R- Rin . . ."

Screw it, he'll take that as a yes.

[vonabel]

Whaat are your thoughts about the leaks? I was just excited that there was more art LMAO

OMG okay first of all, ur getting a whole essay from me rn I'm so sorry. And second of all, me too, like getting a mostly cohesive ending was nice but I'm really just in it for the literal art and new media atp. But, I do still have many thoughts.

Honestly, I liked it! I haven't seen all of it, but I have seen a ton of people posting how they feel about it which is giving me some context clues.

I guess Aizawa wasn't seen at all, which does make me sad because he's one of my favorites. I don't actually know how much of the chapter was leaked, I don't go out of my way to find leaks so I've just seen it all in passing on my various socials. But like if the whole thing wasn't leaked, we could still get the Eraserhead closure we need fr 🙏 and if not, it is what it is

I think Shouto looks really happy and healthy, which was so healing to see after the last few episodes of season seven 😭😭😭 like let him breathe PLEASE good fucking lord. And Touya's death being confirmed was really sad but also expected.

Also Shoji being ranked at like nine (I think, I can't remember) was SOOO refreshing. I really really like that Hori put someone who started as a background character so high up in the ranks. And Shoji was my blorbo for two or three years, so I'm fr like a proud momma LMAO

I think Mirio being ranked number one was a given, I saw it coming from a mile away after everything Sir Nighteye had said about him/to him. But I do HATE his new hair omg omg UGLYYY LMAOO

As for IzuOcha basically being canon, I personally love that! I like that it took them years to get there, and I was especially emotional over Toga being the one to give Ochako the nudge she needed, literally. The way that Ochako saw Toga's ghost and Deku saw Shigaraki's was a beautiful parallel that was really well done in my opinion.

I'm personally not a bkdk shipper, so the whole like rejection thing didn't piss me off like it did other fans. I think it was the perfect ending for them, nicely done and very bittersweet, which is how their relationship has always sort of been.

Deku being happy and at peace is really all I wanted LOL, he seems totally content where he is and I think him looping back around to being quirkless again was like soooo on point for the story and the way everything came together in the end! And I think Bakugo seemed rather happy too, settled and all that.

So all in all, I think it was good! I think the people hating take this shit way too seriously, especially the people who are particularly upset over bkdk not being canon. Ships are actually never that serious I fear.

The only thing that sort of disappointed me was that everyone from class 1a got a sick ass glow up except Deku. Like don't get me wrong, he looked FIIINNNE as all hell. But like Sero has a mustache (which is so hot) and Shinsou has long ass hair but Deku still has almost the exact same character design 😭 like damn switch it up for my boy a little bit, give him a hair cut or some shit idk

thank you for asking im actually honored 😩🙏

[analyzing-people-like-hell]

I've been curious for a whileee, what do you see when you hold up your magnifying glass to me 🔎👁️

a list of characters i relate to: MY MAIN MAN MIN-GI PARK

gravity rises! mabel - she is also literally me

madotsuki (yume nikki)

ENA

michael mell (bmc)

leafy (bfdi)

i don't kin them but they're a huge inspiration: lake (infinity train)

ANALYSIS #5: 06/11/24

My my... another amoeba wriggling under my microscope..? I suppose I have no choice but to poke at these little characters you've provided me...

Surprisingly, I feel a tad confident about this analysis. I'm familiar enough with each of these little goobers to feel like I've gotten a good grasp on what your own goober-ness looks like. But, nothing can be proven just yet. So why don't I depict what I think your background looks like first, hm?

"LORE":

There's one pattern that's abundantly clear throughout each of these characters: you have always managed to be the second option. The abandonment issues are undeniable, and a little concerning. Tell me, have you always felt like the "best friend"? The supporter? The healer or the cheerleader, maybe? Player two? It's like you've never been able to live solely for yourself. There's always somebody who needs your attention, but for some reason they never seem to give that same attention back to you. You're probably just used to it by now, though, the hurt never really eases each time it happens.... When is it your turn to be the main character? When will it be your story? Those questions have plagued you for as long as you can remember.

Adding onto this, I think you care deeply for people, to the point where you've likely been taken advantage of in many instances. You've probably had to learn to stand your ground, but even now you'll have to remind yourself what your limits are sometimes. You try to give your best to people, but sometimes people use it against you. Sometimes it drains you completely, until you have nothing to give. Sometimes you may accidentally hurt them, and the guilt is everlasting. Sometimes they just don't give you anything back. In fact, that seems to happen a lot, doesn't it? Why has it always seemed like people can never give the same back to you? What did you do wrong? The rejection sensitive dysphoria is really showing... And I'm assuming there's a sense of people pleasing buried inside you as well, am I right? It's sad to see. It's sad to watch your brilliance stripped from you like that. To watch you get dragged by people who can't recognize your value. You never deserved that. You still don't.

I feel like your parents play a part in this as well, or rather the emotional absence of them. I don't think they were physically absent, or particularly abusive in how abuse is typically depicted, but they don't seem to really be... there? I could be wrong, and looking too much into small details, but I think it's worth noting. Maybe they've given you expectations that you were simply never able to reach, and it caused small drifts. Maybe they were always just a bit pushy in general. And maybe they were just never good at handling emotions themselves, let alone handling the emotions that were in you. Random question, but have you ever felt trapped inside their home? Trapped by their own opinions, maybe? I can't be sure, but I can guess something along those lines has happened once or twice.

I think I could guess a few other things as well. Let's take a closer look at what's bouncing around in your head. I'm curious..

THE TRUTH:

Ooouhh.... you cry a lot, or you have cried a lot. Either way, you might've been labeled as a "cry baby" or "sensitive" in your very-young years. Or you've probably ended up crying in bathrooms at events like prom. I can imagine it must've taught you how to get better at masking and hiding emotions, but they never go away. Except.. sometimes they do..? Sometimes it feels like a numb void, but even numbness carries a weight of sadness that is too heavy to be released in just tears. It's confusing. It's beenconfusing. And it's been unfair. And yet, it seems like you always believe "toughing it out" is what will solve this pain. Maybe I'm wrong about that, but whether I'm wrong about it or not, I think you should be reminded that you never deserved to be forgotten about. I know "toughing it out" feels like the only solution, and in a way, it kind of is, but that's not the point. It shouldn't be on you to alter yourself to fit the world's perceptions of what's "good human" and "bad human". Be human. All of it. Stop cutting parts of yourself to satisfy people who can't experience hunger.

I'd like to touch back on that thought of "people never give the same back to you". I feel like that's probably what caused you to shut out so many of your emotions. Maybe it's caused you to become more attached to your interests and hobbies. People can hurt you, but your favorite tv shows can't. Your favorite cartoons aren't going to comment on your lifestyle and insist that you're doing everything wrong. I think that's what's added to the daydreamer inside of you. Daydreaming and storytelling has become a safe haven for you. Characters have treated you more like a friend than almost everybody else. Maybe things have gotten better by now, but I don't think it's improved by much. Something feels like the issues you've had in your younger years have just been reshaped in your present life. The loneliness has been patched, but never fully filled. Maybe it never will be. But one day, the patches will be enough for you, and loneliness will simply be solitude. It's okay to be alone.

In fact, why don't I try and outline some of the best parts I can see in you? Loneliness becomes a lot easier to deal with when you realize just how great your own company already is.

YOUR BEST TRAITS:

You're a great supporter. Now, I know with everything else I've described, that can sound a little insulting, but I assure you it's not meant in that way. Yes, it does mean that you are able to greatly support others (which I'm sure you already probably know and might not like being defined as), but it also means you can greatly support yourself. Being good support does not define you as the supporting member. It means you can be a compassionate leader. It means you can keep getting up even when your legs are beat from being pushed around so many times. It means you have the ability to support you. Of course, don't take every challenge on alone, but know that you are far from useless when alone. One day you'll realize that being "the weak link" was always your strongest ability.

I feel like you're pretty sentimental too. It's probably because of how much you value the interests that have helped you at your lowest points, but either way, it's a valuable trait to have. The ability to care deeply for such small things shouldn't be overlooked. It shows your empathy for the world, and your appreciation for the things that most would turn a blind eye to. You care when others don't, and that is beyond important in a world that discourages any form of care. Maybe you've been told to not care so much, and maybe that's prevented you from expressing it outwardly, but if you can care, you should take advantage of it. Who knows, maybe you're the only person left who can care anymore. Don't let them take that away from you. It was never a weakness.

I also feel like you wouldn't back down from standing up for the things you care about. Even if it's through a more quiet method, you still stand up nonetheless. And in a way, quiet determination can be far more impactful and oftentimes it's necessary. You're smart. You know when to get loud and when to hold your cards close. It's unfair that you've had to learn that the hard way, but you understand it nonetheless and it gives you the opportunity to use it for the best. The world needs more people who are willing to care and fight for the right to keep caring. Prove that all your "mistakes" were worth something. Show them you were always worth something. You are the archangel hiding behind the shadows of your wings. Stop suppressing your own light.

Also, yer a little sillay. :3

And with that, I think I'll leave my thoughts here and take my bow.

With utmost gratitude (and hopefully utmost accuracy),

Dr. WZ

[hjellacott]

When I was a teenager, my father passed away from years of chronic illness and I got very depressed

I don't remember much for about a year, other than being in bed, crying. Life paused for a year or two, so that although time went on, my life didn't. Effectively ending it would've merely been a physical affirmation of what was already true: I was dead, at least, inside.

My father and I had a very close relationship. It wasn't like we got to do that many father-daughter things together, but mostly it was just that we were two faces of the same coin; similar enough to understand each other without a need for words, and to feel understood by each other, but different enough not to rub each other off the wrong way. I am far more different from my mother, and yet, the mother-daughter bond being as legendary as it is, we've always been attached to each other's hip and we have a deeply affectionate relationship. But after my father died, I felt abandoned, left out, alone. I felt like the black sheep of the family, the different one, because the one person who got me, who I was like, was gone forever. If only I'd known then what I know now: everybody tends to feel the same way at some point.

It affected my relationship with my father's side of the family. My parents were together until the end, so I'd always spent the most time with his side of the family, which lived near us, rather than my mum's, which lived farther away. My dad had been the best of his family, so I was never particularly close with anyone there except my, by then, very elderly grandparents. Without my dad, I experienced an odd feeling of disconnection; like a cable that's cut in the middle. Like, the thing that united me to them was gone, so was I even one of them any more? And it might seem strange, but actually, the fact that I had my dad's surname there was something I held onto firmly to remind myself I was still part of my family. Still, even a decade later, it's my mother's family I feel more united to.

Losing a parent at a young age was, to me, like being blown away by a bloody tornado when you were just beginning to learn how to walk on your own. And suddenly you're all alone, waking up in unknown turf, standing in the ruins of your family, your home... whatever remains when a chronic illness has been punching everyone where it hurts the most for years and years. And it took me years, and actually leaving my country, to find my footing again and stand strong again.

My point is that, for many years, I was in a deeply vulnerable and fragile mental state. I didn't seek refuge in drugs, but I did start to drink for the first time, even when I've always despised the taste of alcohol. In my late teens, it was trendy to be dark, mysterious, depressed... and none is that more than someone going through the kind of grief and heartbreak you can't make your friends understand. So my sudden drinking (not to drunkenness, but certainly completely out of my normal behaviour), my quietness, my self-isolation, were seen not as warning signs, but as cool behaviour, among my friends.

And then things got weird. I was seventeen, bursting into tears in high school, in front of everyone, because I'd misplaced something my dad had gifted me and couldn't find it. It wasn't even something important, just a pouch where to put money... but it was my dad's gift to me, and I could only find one friend who understood why it mattered to me, and helped me find it even if I was making a huge thing out of a grain of salt. And for a decade, I've been lashing out. A small feeling of discontentment or annoyance suddenly bursts into flames of fury, and I screamed at my mother, even though I'd never done it. I still go from 0 to 100 with tremendous ease; in sadness, in happiness, in anger, in laughter. Every feeling starts dull and is suddenly overwhelming. And so in the middle of these years of grief, I fell in love, went from 0 to a 100 in five minutes, and if I hadn't stopped myself right on time, I would've agreed to marry someone who simply wasn't right for me. Someone who loved me 80%, when I was there 100%. By now I've accepted that everything is always going to feel too much, too suddenly. That tears will burst out of my eyes for no particular reason, but so will laughter from my chest, and love from my heart. It is both a super power and a dangerous thing, but I'm treating it as a super power, and doing my best to control it when I can, without eradicating it.

One of the things I did in my grief was cross-dress as a man. I put on a three-piece suit that didn't really suit me, and cut my hair from long to zero, and even tried to use fake beards.

I wasn't a man. I never identified as such. I was always clear on the fact that I was seventeen and I just wanted to know "what it's like". But deep inside, it was about control. You see, I'd been left shattered, I was scrambling to keep my head above water, I had no control - and I longed for the power of being a man.

I wanted to stand strong as a man. I wanted to be like my late dad. To be a good man in the storm. To fight, to be strong, to be tough, to dress however I wanted, to stop being whistled at and catcalled, to have a man's salary, a man's work opportunities, a man's power.

It was just a period of my life. The closer to thirty I've gotten, the more comfortable I've felt as a woman, the more I've loved being a woman, the more I've remembered my father's happy eyes on me, watching me speechless the first time I put on a dress, make-up and heels, telling me how beautiful I was, taking photos non-stop with his professional camera and making me feel like a gorgeous princess. And damn it, I've never given a shit about male admiration, I've never fancied dressing "to impress", but my dad had such a way of looking at me with eyes full of wonder, not in a sexualised way, but in a "my god, you're a grown-up woman!" way, that I'd happily fight to have that back. This was the same man who, when I first got my period and was in a mood, cracked a smile on my face by grinning at me and saying "you're all grown-up now!", the same man who when I was just born, was the only one who said I was beautiful, and was too afraid of hurting me to even hold me for a wee bit, the same man who, if I was sitting alone with my head on the table going through whatever, would sit next to me and put his head on the table too, without saying anything, just so I wouldn't be alone, and the same man who'd go above and beyond to do things with me and get to know me. I don't look back on my dad as a dad, I look back on my dad as a best friend. I used to want to be just like him - now I just want to be like myself, and see in me the wonders that he saw. Now I stand proud as a woman, the woman I know he would've been stocked to know.

The Cass Report has brought back into the forefront of my mind what a pain it was to be a teenager and a young adult. In my case, it was because of Earth-shattering grief. In my case, I could want to have male things for a bit, and I got to experiment, to cross-dress, to kiss boys and girls, to make mistakes, and to, over the course of a decade, find my way back.

That is what I wish for children to be given back: the space and the time to figure things out without having to deal with more life-changing procedures.

Teens were in a mental health crisis a decade ago and it's only gotten worse since. And if my friends had seen what I was doing in my grief as alarming signs of mental health problems, instead of as a cool, trendy behaviour, then maybe I would've gone to therapy instead of opening a bottle of Vodka. I probably would've taken it wrong to be told I had mental health problems - and I would've rebelled, fought, argued, and in fact I did, the one time my mum insisted I saw somebody. God how I hated psychologists then, and now it's one of my main fields of study. I didn't want to be told I was sick any more than these kids do. But I needed to hear that. I needed my problems validated, even if I didn't want to hear it. I needed to be forced to accept help. I needed to be told grief is one thing, and feeling like you can't possibly go on is another. I NEEDED PROFFESSIONAL HELP.

That is all the Cass Report shows. That children need professional help. That children go through hell and back because they're barely equipped to deal with big shocks to the system, and the world has never been more hostile to them. And that just because alarming behaviour that points to mental health issues can be perceived as "cool" or "trendy", and become fashionable, it doesn't make it less of a mental health problem.

[kinetic-elaboration]

February 3: Finishing Tinker Tailor

I finished Tinker Tailor today, finally. I'd been hoping to finish it this week, partly because events move so fast at the end that it seems like it should be read quickly, party because I did want to read the ending, and partly because I have a growing (immediate) TBR and I want to get to something I haven't read before.

But now that it's over I feel a bit bereft.

I finished it, I did cry (the usual), and then I just sort of set it aside and continued with my evening and that felt wrong.

My biggest takeaways from this re-read, in no particular order:

1--I love Jim Prideaux so much. I can't remember if I loved him so hard last time but he just really got to me this time. I kind of wanted to read a whole novel that was just the Thursgood's stuff tbh. I was also particularly struck by the moment, in Jim's conversation with Smiley, where he defends Bill's affair with Ann, the "artists have totally different standards" bit. I felt like that was a lot of emotion coming through by his standards and also... very loose-lipped. Like maybe he didn't even realize how much of himself he was revealing. Also, most of Jim and Bill's relationship is revealed through other people talking about them: we never see or hear them together, and Bill never talks about Jim except very obliquely in his final interrogation. There it's more about what he doesn't say. So really this is the most direct glimpse of what they are like together.

But really just everything about Jim: the combination of his brutality and gentleness, his loneliness, his bravery, his almost happy ending. And on the same wavelength, everything about Bill Roach.

Because I was so emotional about Jim, I was extra emotional about Bill's betrayal, of him specifically. I forgot just how surely he not only knew Jim was being sent to a trap but specifically set the trap for Jim. It's hard to imagine a colder or more evil act.

2--I was really struck by how badly Le Carre hated Kim Philby. And, like, fair: this man betrayed him specifically. I think the last time I read I didn't know the real life basis for the book. It's not that I know a bunch now but...yeah, enough. I'm torn between feeling like there are parts where Le Carre tries to hide his intense derision for this man, but they just don't work (for me at least), and feeling like the thinness of the defenses of Bill are on purpose, because we are supposed to feel as little sympathy with him as possible. Maybe it's that I find it hard to comprehend the context in which all this occurred, or maybe it's because excuses like 'he was sad that England isn't an Empire anymore, poor colonialist' are like the least sympathetic things I could hear, but I found basically any page about Bill's possible or likely or self-stated rationales to be very hard to parse. To identify with or get on an instinctive level. I'm not sure if that's on purpose, or just Le Carre trying earnestly to round him out and make the situation complex while being himself fully unsympathetic.

I know some people genuinely like Bill a lot but I found him annoying from the first. Again, I don't know if he's supposed to be charismatic and charming and fun, and you're supposed to like him and then be betrayed, or if his whole characterization is just another jab at Philby. But in my opinion he was insufferable.

I did really like Le Carre's portrayal of the awkward intersection of personal beliefs or morality with personal relationships. That both Guillam and Smiley are angry in the hypothetical but when faced with Haydon they just feel awkward, or "shy," or they default to their old feelings about him and sort of separate those entirely from the things they objectively know about him now. Part of Guillam's anger is that his worldview is shaken by this betrayal. But then when he's actually just faced with Bill, he finds he still likes him, and so in a sense, maybe less was disturbed than he thought. I especially liked the lines "He had thrown away his gun and was hurling Haydon from side to side, shaking him, and shouting. Then suddenly there seemed no point. After all, it was only Bill and they had done a lot together." He wanted to beat up Haydon the mole. But he can't escape that this man is "Bill, and they had done a lot together." I'm really into the way the vocabulary and sentence structure works to create the emotion of this transition.

3--Maybe it's just because I'm so familiar with the major plot points of the narrative, but I have a theory that the identity of the mole is never really a secret, and it's pretty easily guessable, even intended to be guessable, from the start. It's not really the 'who' it's the 'how'--and eventually the 'how will he be caught'--that drives the story forward. In particular, the mole can really only be Haydon. If it were anyone else, would the story be satisfying? Haydon is the one fucking Smiley's wife, the one the main character has the most connection with. He's the one who is "best friends" with Prideaux/Ellis, and so there is the most emotion and irony and tragedy in him being behind the shooting with which the novel, in a sense, opens. If at the end of the day it was Toby Esterhase who was a Russian spy, it would be extremely disappointing. And by the time we get to the ambush at the safe house, we've already learned that it's not Esterhase, and Smiley is fairly sure it's not Alleline. AND his reasoning as to why it's not basically points the finger at Haydon. So by then we're down to two candidates and does anyone REALLY think it's going to be Roy Bland? If the mystery is really WHO is the spy, I think the candidates would be described in more detail and given more equal page time. And Smiley wouldn't say in so many words "well we all knew it was Bill, really" when he's caught. But I'd be curious to know what someone reading the book spoiler-free would think.

4--The whole thing is great but I really think Part 3 is a masterpiece. Finally getting the Operation Testify story that we've been teased with since page 1, and from Jim himself, and then following that with a swift rush to the end--and all of this in the context, imo, that we already know or should know or could easily have figured out the answer to the novel's alleged central question already, and yet there's still so much tension to it--the use of all the characters, the spy work involved in flipping the safe house, the shadowy figure of Jim recurring and recurring and recurring, the pacing, the extended confrontation between Bill and Smiley that allows them and the book to ruminate on the unanswerable why, the hints of a greater confrontation that we will never know in its details, and finally Jim being nursed back to health by Roach, and the loaded gun that Jim never used was only a dream... So fucking perfect in every respect.

It's really a book that rewards you intellectually, by providing a 'perfect knot' to be untangled but also admired, and emotionally (yes I am talking about Jim again). And I could definitely close read many passages for their pacing and vocabulary choices but... I am also tired, and that would take a while.

[rjmhereunderprotest]

I Miss My PC Games

Years ago, I had a desktop like pretty much everyone else. Had all my stuff on it. All my games. All my work. Everything important to me at that time. Then, out of the blue, the whole rig just died on me. The disk drive gave out. I lost everything prior to my back ups. It was devastating. Since then I've been using a succession of laptops, one after the other, as my desk where the desktop used to be has become cluttered with stuff. I've kept saying I'll get a new one, I never have. And something always seems to go wrong with my laptops sooner or later to boot. This one I'm currently writing on is honestly reaching the end of its lifecycle. I'm considering getting a new one.

But I suspect, the next laptop won't be anywhere near powerful enough to work with any of my games. The ones I've had sitting in storage, waiting for installation. I've repurchased them digitally from Steam of course, but the laptop can't play them. Hell, about all I can play on this thing is Doom, which isn't very impressive. Doom plays on everything. Meanwhile all the other games I want to play with, the old favorites, the franchises I love? Sitting in a corner or stuck in the cloud.

Every year I get especially nostalgic around this time. I remember things I missed and haven't seen in a while. So, because I'm feeling extra sad because of... everything, I wanted to try and cheer myself up some, remembering fond memories of the games I used to play. And hope, one day, to play again.

First a brief disclaimer, I'm excluding a few games based on the fact I can still play them with minimum difficulty. It's also based on how comfortable I am playing them on the consoles they're available on. As well as the quality of the remaster or console release. There's some exceptions to this, but not many. So let's start.

RTS games were always a big thing for me. Playing the general in a massive war never failed to excite my young mind. Empire Earth appealed to my inherent history nerd, more so than most as it didn't tie itself down to to a singular era or form of combat. From the Stone Age to the far future, you could command all sorts of armies to absolute victory.

With four campaigns in total, Greek, English, German and Russia, each with their own distinct settings, it was an amazing slice of history to play around in. I remember spending hours upon hours battling from Medieval England to the Napoleonic Wars under the English banner. Where else could I go from knights to muskets in the span of a few minutes?

A lot of my time though was spent on the German and Russian campaigns, although I didn't particularly like the final missions of the German campaign because it involved an alt-history scenario where the Nazis. As I'll explain, I don't like helping the Nazis. I prefer to kill them. The WW1 levels though were pretty good. Fighting through Verdun, brutal, but very rewarding.

The Russian campaign, that was something else entirely. A completely original story set in the future where brutal Russian dictator seizes power and attempts to conquer the whole world. Only he can't live forever to see it through, so he downloads his mind into a robot successor, who becomes even more brutal in its insane quest for power. The only hope in the end is for a heroic pair of warriors to travel back in time and stop the dictator before he ever comes to power. It was a really fun campaign... although I imagine a reemergent Russian Empire is not exactly as fun to talk about these days.

There was an expansion that added new campaigns, including an American one spanning most of the Pacific War. As well as another future campaign with a new epoch to expand into, the space age. Now that was a hard campaign, I much preferred the Pacific War, as a I'm always invested in the World Wars historically. I'm sure someone big into Roman history would've enjoyed the Roman campaign way more than I did, although I like it fine.

What was great about Empire Earth was how much it revered history as much as I did and used history to tell its own stories. It's unfortunate we don't get more RTS games that are willing to span the length of history. Nor as many that will take on less well known or used eras in history. There really should be more WW1 Real time Strategy games honestly, far too few in my mind. Sadly, the game is still only on PC. I mean, the RTS genre works best on it. But really, with advances in tech that's making consoles basically just PCs in their own right, it should be a lot easier to adapt them to consoles more often. If only to make it easier for everyone play them.

This one might be more familiar to you as a result of some recent developments. Age of Mythology was always right up my alley. As a student of history, I was also always drawn to the myths born of history. An RTS that explores Greek, Egyptian and Norse myths? Sign me up! You don't know the true joy that can come from raising an army of Hydras that only get stronger the more heads they grow. Or watching an alligator with a sun beam laser burn through enemy fortresses. Or summoning Nidhogg the dragon to basically annihilate your enemies from on high. Simply the best.

I played through the whole campaign at least twice, because I was that obsessed with it at the time. It was the only way I could use more of the crazy awesome units available to you in this game. Scorpions, Valkyries, Krakens, Anubis Soldiers, there's a friggin turtle that you can use to transport troops! And let's not forget the god powers, summoning meteors from the sky is never not fun!

It was also just really nice to see Egyptian mythology represented for once. I do love me Ancient Egypt and it's pantheon of Gods. Sadly, they're not as used as the Norse or Greeks for things. Which is really a shame, they got some killer stuff that is worth adapting. In AoM, we actually help assemble Osiris so he can come back to life and help stop the apocalypse! I feel there's a bit of a concern among people though, that they'll get it wrong and offend someone. Which I can sorta understand. But not using Egyptian Myth to create media is almost as bad as getting it wrong.

I suppose I should just be happy they aren't going to have Kratos kill all my favorite Egyptian Gods. At least I can be grateful for that much.

You might be asking, why not just play the Retold remaster? I would, but it's just not the same. Something feels lost in the dialogue and delivery of the updated campaign. I don't know if its me or I'm just misremembering it, but I felt Arkantos had a much better commanding presence with his original voice actor. Now he just sounds off. Don't get me started on Gargarensis. He just sounds all kinds of wrong, his evil poetry doesn't read the same. Also, the achievements are a problem too. So ridiculously overly difficult. I'd be forced to play the game forever just to get most of them. Not really worth it in my mind sadly.

Overall, I'd rather play the original on PC, not as many issues there. But at least I still have the original disc if I ever want to go back.

Let's switch this up, Crimson Skies is an arcade-style flight combat game. One that, in my mind, is one of the few alt-history settings I'm still actually interested in post-TNO and what it did. More on that, but not too much, later. Right now, it's the Fortune Hunters' time!

You play Nathan Zachary, ace fighter pilot and ex-playboy who leads a band of merry sky pirates, the Fortune Hunters, in an alternate 1930s America that has split apart following the stock market crash of 1929. In this Balkanized United States, conflict is ever present and railroads and highways are no longer safe for travel and trade. Which means zeppelins have become the new means of import and export and that's opened the path back up for the cutthroats of the world to start a new golden age of piracy!

I love planes, and Crimson Skies offers so many to choose from. All of them wildly imaginative in design, from reverse construction with the propeller in the back, to planes with rear turrets in their tails, bi-wing design or whatever crazy stuff you can think of.

If nothing else, Crimson Skies drew me in with its cast of colorful characters, pulpy action-packed storyline, and damn good dogfighting action. Seriously, so of the most fun I've had flying the unfriendly digital skies was in this game alone. I've pretty much measured every flight sim and air combat game by its metric. If it's not nearly as fun as Crimson Skies, it isn't worth my time.

The game did get a sequel, on consoles no less, which is backwards compatible, even better. High Road to Revenge is indeed a great game... however, it's downsized. The cast of Fortune Hunters is cut down to three, which includes Nathan, so it's more like two. It's not nearly as long, there aren't many returning characters or factions, and frankly it's just more simplified in its roster of planes and upgrades. It's a good game, but its not the original, which is nowhere to be found on any console, remastered or otherwise. It's not even on steam. If you can get a physical copy, good for you. Probably might cost you a bit though. But the truth is, if I ever want to play Crimson Skies' original entry ever again, I'll need to get a new PC.

I don't even understand why there hasn't been a new entry in the franchise. Microsoft just lets it lay there on the shelf, practically abandoned. I wanted to see what this world's WW2 would've ended up looking like. Can you imagine how a United States with such divided ideologies would end up like? Trust me, something like THAT would be worth exploring.

From a past that never was, to a far future in space where none can hear you scream and if it bleeds we can kill it. Aliens vs Predator 2 is the pinnacle of either franchise in shooter form. There have been many games since featuring both the xenomorphs and predators, but none have ever reached these heights since.

Playing as a Marine is perfectly fine for those just looking for a solid FPS experience, but it's really only the tip of the iceberg. Being able to play as the Alien, facehugger to warrior brings an entirely new dynamic to the game as you become primarily focused on stealth more than anything. Similar to the Predator, but you have more weaponry and other abilities that switch things up considerably.

Each campaign had its own feel to it, following branching paths of the same storyline. Everything you could ever want out of these franchises is here. From the Marines' assault rifles, to the Xenomorph being able to skewer enemies with its tail, to the Predator's plasma cannon and thermal vision. And each of them feel powerful in their own right.

While I can always pick of the eventual sequel to this that came out on consoles, it's still not the same. Something about this entry just feels the best of all of them as it wasn't too reliant on nostalgia and fanservice as others. It was just focused on telling a story in this world, helped along by the Aliens vs Predator comics that were so prevalent around this time. Don't take this as me complaining about how Disney owns both IPs now, its not. I just recognize that, at the time, games based on big IPs weren't as concerned about recreating moments you're familiar with. They were concerned with getting the feeling down.

I really don't want this to sound like I'm complaining, so I'm making that clear. AvP2 just wasn't worried about reminding you why you liked these two franchises because their place in pop culture was more recent and known to the target demographic. Regardless, maybe we're starting to see a resurgence. The success of "Prey" and "Alien: Romulus" proves there is still life in these franchises, and maybe they'll actually meet up again in the future. Although if they do, one would hope they follow this game's lead. Send in the Marines! Come on, it's been decades since an Alien movie has featured the Marines! Disney, you have James Cameron on payroll now! Ask him to make the next AvP movie with the Colonial Marines once he's done with Avatar! Come on, give people an excuse to release a new AvP game or at least remaster the old ones.

Freedom Force is a comic book lover's dream, a top down RPG in the vein of Diablo but starring Superheroes, in a Silver Age 1960s ripped straight out of the panels. If you love classic comics of the era, whether DC or Marvel, Freedom Force checks every friggin box.

There are so many awesome characters in this, it's hard to pick a favorite. Minuteman, the leader of the team. A clear stand-in for Captain America, save for the fact he's not actually a frozen WW2 Soldier, but an aging scientist who worked on the Manhattan project, revitalized into a younger version of himself with twice the strength and patriotic bravado because an alien chemical landed on him. Yeah, it's basically that sort of game throughout. The Any is basically Spider-Man, but he got Ant powers, again, because of alien chemicals. Man-Bot, former playboy, got in an accident, hit by the chemicals, forced to live in a metal suit forever. You get the picture.

You work your way through chapter after chapter fighting a variety of bad guys and enemies in various scenarios that you could've found in any of the comics of the 1960s. There's even some cutscenes done in the style of those old comic books. Your powers even make the same sort of sound effect onomatopoeia that is so connected to the medium. It is very clear the creators loved old comic books. Oh by the way, Ken Levine of BioShock fame worked on this, just to let you know.

There was an expansion, this one featuring time travel, where the heroes go back in time to stop Nazis from re-writing history. It introduced some new heroes, including my two favorites, Green Genie and Tombstone. The former, a fun loving Muslim-girl whose powers have granted her reality warping powers and green skin. The latter, a wrongfully accused man who was executed in the electric chair just as the alien energies struck the power lines. Turning him into a badass skeletal specter who punishes the guilty. He might be a little out of place in the Silver Age, but damn it if he isn't cool.

I don't play a lot of games like Freedom Force, the Diablo-Style mechanics can be overwhelming. But it had a number of features that made it easier to handle, such as pausing the action to plan out attacks. This made the gameplay a lot more accessible but no less fun, as picking the right team of heroes and upgrading them effectively to face any foe was pretty much half the fun. It's been forever since I've played the game, but I still remember the joy I got watching Minuteman clock a goon in the face straight up before shouting "FOR FREEDOM" at the top of his lungs.

If only they had made a sequel, they would've expanded out to future comic book eras and added even more heroes and villains based on those periods. Sadly, while it is on steam, it's not on consoles and probably never will be because it's not exactly the most well-known superhero game out there. I don't believe in this "superheroes are played out" nonsense people claim is going around. That's simplifying cultural shifts in my mind. There's always going to be a place for superheroes, in films and games.

I just wanna watch Green Genie change some dude into a flower vase while Tombstone shoots a goon with his dual blaster guns. Is it weird I ship them? It's probably weird I ship them together.

Alright, time for another alt-history and RTS game, this one a bit more interesting in my mind, as its about the Soviet Union, recognizing its about to die and can't sustain itself, makes the Cold War go hot, invading West Berlin before the rest of Germany and Europe. Finally taking the war to the shores of America on the very day in our timeline when the Berlin Wall was supposed to come down.

My version of the game is played exclusively from the American perspective, leading company of US Army Soldiers as they tried to turn back the red tide as it sweeps through Washington State. The ultimate goal being to take back Seattle before America and Russia inevitably turn this conflict into a nuclear one.

There was an expansion I never played because I rarely care about playing the obvious bad guys. Soviet Assault gave the game more missions from the Russian point of view and greater towards the larger conflict. You don't actually change the outcome of the campaign, this doesn't add a new ending, as the Soviet missions play out parallel to the American ones. But they got a long way to showing a different side to the events unfolding in the story.

For me, World in Conflict was a seminal game and a core memory, important to crafting my ideas concerning how to tell a war story. It had some of the most exciting missions and gameplay in an RTS, focusing purely on commanding units rather than base building. It kept the action fluid and constant. And it made you very careful about which units you ordered into the fight and how you used them.

The real fun part was when the game let you go all out with artillery and air strikes. That was the big draw honestly. If you accumulated enough combat points and did well enough in objectives, you'd gain access to powerful strike capabilities that could turn the tide of battle. Napalming Soviets on the highway or targeting occupied buildings with surgical airstrikes is supremely satisfying. And with how often enemies will get in close, you will be shouting "Broken Arrow" more often than not.

I'm pretty sure every current edition of the game is packaged with Soviet Assault, completing the overall experience. All I know is, without a proper PC rig, I cannot run the game anymore. So I'm locked out of one of my favorite RTS games with one of the best campaigns I've played in a long time.

They say every time you mention this game, someone, somewhere reinstalls it. I can believe that, it's just it's never been an option for me for a good while. Vampire: The Masquerade: Bloodlines is just one of those RPGs that manages to succeed despite itself. Not because of anything it fails at, but because its development was screwed and it was released in such a sorry state. Fixing it proved to be more than a little difficult, but fans pulled through and have been consistently adding onto the game for years since, long after the license has expired.

For me, this was the one time in my life I actually wanted to play as a vampire. When it comes to supernatural creatures, vampires are always last on my fantasy list. Bloodlines somehow managed to make it something worth playing, by abandoning some clichés, enhancing stronger tropes, playing around with the mythology and actually making the Vampires interesting as a species and culture. I tend to better respect something that can defy my usually and admittedly steadfast and stubborn edicts. If you can somehow get me to like something I'd otherwise hate, you have my respect forever. That's Bloodlines, it made being a vampire fascinating.

Not because Vampires were all powerful or anything, but because they were all so deeply fucked up. The game blatantly admits that vampire society is basically full of scheming, conniving backstabbers. That they're all absolutely terrified of their own disease that gives them so much power and are constantly fearful of being extinguished. Their entire society revolves less around controlling the world, and more around just surviving by any means necessary. It's a sad existence, but they don't really have a choice. It's this or damnation. And even then, they're all still worried about a possible coming apocalypse that will spell unspeakable doom. And you, as a fledgling vampire, get caught up in the middle of all this, as a pawn of various factions and individuals, all out for each other's blood. At the end of the day, your job is the same as everyone's, survive.

It's a unique take on vampires, basically admitting that you're a blood-sucking parasite and you're probably on borrowed time. Best you can hope for is to try and make it to the next sunset alive. And seeing how all these different vampires deal with the reality of their existence, none of them really good, but not exactly evil, humanized them somewhat in my mind.

And yes, fine, Jeanette Voerman is super hot and I love her and all that. I really love her and her sister's storyline. Her school girl outfit and pony tails did things to me, whatever. I'm not going to lie about what I am, but I would prefer not to be mistaken for a stupid gooner gamer. I played this game several times over for a lot more reasons than just Jeanette you know.

I also really liked playing the Malkavian for the funny dialogue.

Obviously, since it has no console release, I can't play it anymore. And it looks like the long gestating sequel is going to be an entirely different animal that is slowly losing my interest as more about it is revealed. I don't even know if Damsel is still showing up or if I can customize my character at all anymore. And that's if it even comes out. Next chance I get to play this game, I'm going to do my first playthrough with something other than a Malkavian for once. My original playthrough was with Brujah, which was fine, and I prefer being a Malkavian overall. But I think I need to try something new for next go around.

And maybe fix the dialogue fonts too, they never appeared how they were supposed to.

I don't know why we keep trying to colonize Mars when it's just gonna cause problems. All the video games say it will. Red Faction was one of them. Sold on the very exciting concept of being able to destroy the environment around you to create shortcuts or take out enemies, Red Faction was a kickass shooter about rebelling against corporate tyranny on Mars.

Created by the dudes who would later go on to make the Saints Row series, Red Faction might have otherwise been an average shooter was its environment destruction mechanic not its focal point. Being a miner on Mars gave you access to a lot of explosives, honestly the Ultor corporation should've seen this coming. So as a result, within the very first level of the game, you're already blowing up walls or busting through floors to push forward. Before long you'll be doing the same to take out towers, bunkers or maybe just get past a locked door.

Don't get me wrong though, it is a fun game. I've taken a lot from it honestly and the idea of fighting corporate tyranny never gets old. I just recognize that there isn't much else that separates it from other games of the era. Although it took some seriously crazy swerves. Fighting an evil psychic-enhanced mad scientist and all his creepy mutant creations was not what I was expecting to take up a good portion of the second act. Let me tell you.

It's been so long, but a lot of the game still remains fresh in my mind, even if its less gameplay and more specifics. Really though, none of the other Red Faction games did it for me in the same way. The Rebels became exceedingly unlikable come "Red Faction Guerilla" and the actual Red Faction 2 is not at all connected with this one. Strangely, I could play this game again without the PC, it's on the Playstation 2, which I have. I just haven't gone out of my way is all. I suppose its because it's never been more core console. I am an Xbox gamer. I know, a lot of you probably want to call me scum right now. I get it. But I still love the system, nothing you say is gonna change that, no matter how crappy the company can act. It's not like they're the only ones being dicks in the gaming market today.

Just to be clear, this is the whole series, which are too many to really name as of now. Getting into all of them would take too long. Let's just say, C&C had a huge impact on me and it has not left me since I first played around in their worlds.

From fighting the Brotherhood of Nod and it's seemingly ageless charismatic leader Kane, to thwarting psychic megalomaniac Yuri in Red Alert 2's expansion pack, I am intimately familiar with the series' ins and outs. As well as its highs and... lows. Real big lows.

Let's not mix words here, EA fucked this series. It fucked it so hard. They wanted to turn it into an E-Sports game to rake in Starcraft money and it failed so hard. They ruined the Tiberium universe with the fourth entry. Cancelled the Generals sequel outright. And Red Alert 3, while perfectly fine, is pretty much just so ridiculous that you can't take any of it seriously. Granted Red Alert 2 already made that half of the universe less serious to begin with, the Soviet campaign had you turn the Eiffel Tower into a Tesla coil. But there was still a semblance of taking the material seriously beneath the B-Movie charm.

I still have a love for the various entries though. Red Alert 2, Generals, Renegade, (Who would've thought you could make an FPS out of an RTS?) each hold a place in my heart one way or another. I just wish I could try to experience the games again from the start. Don't get to though, no console release, not even for the remasters. I still have my box set for the original four games, the Renegade CD, Generals and its expansion (Although I'm not as fond of said expansion because its campaign's story is ridiculous... even if currently plausible thanks to certain recent events) and of course there's Yuri's Revenge, which really cranked up the silliness before Red Alert 3 came around. All the same, good series in its heyday. Wish EA hadn't basically destroyed it like it does most games and studios it touches. Let's keep hoping BioWare doesn't join Westwood in defunct studios owned by Electronic Arts. Mass Effect 4, you are our best hope now.

"Cause No One Lives Forevvvvveeeerrrr! But evil never diiiiieeeesssss!"

Cate Archer is not only one of the most awesome/hottest fictional spies out there, she is also one of the least well known. Its unfortunate that her series faded into the background, but I suppose that's the consequence of the shooter boom post Half-Life and Halo.

However, that doesn't diminish what this game accomplished, creating a wholly original spy thriller that somehow was able to keep the camp without sacrificing the seriousness of real-world espionage. Sure, Cate uses a robot poodle to blow enemies up, but she's also a consummate professional dealing with 1960s sexism in a field dominated by men. I'm sure today grifters would be complaining this thing was "Woke" or whatever. Or maybe they wouldn't care because Cate shows off her boobs while wearing a tight spandex spy suit. Who can say?

All I know is I had a blast whether sneaking or fighting in both entries. And I enjoyed how much it paid homage to the classic spy movies of the era without ever feeling crass or cynical about them. It played itself straight at all times, even when the dangerous menace that threatens is using a weaponized chemical agent that makes you burp a lot before you explode violently, killing yourself and everyone.

Yes, that is real. The sequel makes you fight mimes while escaping on a tiny bicycle. Also ninjas.

You laugh, sure, but it's still fucking cool. Don't expect a video game now, let alone a shooter, to ever be allowed to have some fun anymore. I'm more than positive someone out there would claim this type of silly pulpy humor would be cringe or whatever. Maybe Cate's eventual reboot will be some hyper-realistic spy simulator that takes itself extra seriously and removes anything funny from its story. All in favor of increasing the edge super high because its the only way you'll take Cate seriously. Women aren't allowed to be funny anymore, look what happened to She-Hulk. She cracks a few jokes and dances a little, suddenly everyone wants her head on a pike. They even predicted it would happen! How you think Cate Archer having a little fun with her killer robot poodle or weapons disguised as accessories is gonna be treated? Not well, I can tell you that!

Maybe I'm overexaggerating some. Point is, No One Lives Forever was a franchise gone too soon. I wish someone would try to bring it back in some form. Maybe Nightdive has it on its Radar. I suppose we'll have to wait and see. Until then, I won't be playing it. Just waiting for a chance to.

Time to get into a theme here, starting with this one. Company of Heroes was a top down RTS game that followed various branches of the US Military as it worked to retake France from Nazi Occupation. From D-Day to the Falaise Pocket, it recounts the struggles and triumphs of the first step to liberating Western Europe.

This holds a special place in my mind because... I never finished it. I got to the last level, the last mission... didn't finish. And because my computer crapped out, I probably will never get to finish.

Company of Heroes has had other entries, but this is the one that I care about the most, as over time I feel it has run into the trap so many of these RTS games do now. The sequel that took place on the Eastern front with the Russians drew criticism for seemingly demonizing the Russians you were playing as for their, historically accurate, brutality against their enemies. The third game decided it was going to frame its single player campaign on the German side of things... while trying to pay tribute to the indigenous population they committed war crimes against.

Ok... what? You want me to play as the guys who did war crimes? I already don't like playing as Germans in WW2, it always leaves a sour taste in my mouth. But... I gotta tell ya, RTS games let you play as Nazis a lot more often than should be normal. Disturbing, I was instantly turned off of the third game, needless to say. If the only real narrative campaign option I have is the fucking Germans, you've instantly lost me. You could've let us be the British, but nah, just play as the fucking War Criminals I guess. Sure there's another campaign where you play as the Allies taking Italy, but that's an entirely different sort of single player experience that is much more free flow. I'm talking about the narrative campaign that I usually pick these up for.

Company of Heroes, the first one at least, knew better than to try and make us play as the fucking Nazis. Its cover system for your squads was engaging, the units themselves diverse and interesting, and the tactics involved in how to use them effectively were fun to figure out. I did bust through the various levels after all, I had a ton of fun getting through the game. I just... never got the chance to finish it is all. Sucks, I know, and I just want the chance to properly finish something I started. I don't like leaving things unfinished.

Alright, we're down to the real good stuff now. The games that cemented my status as a gamer. Medal of Honor: Allied Assault was one of my first full-fledged shooter titles. Given its release timing, I likely played Halo on Xbox first, but that hardly changes things. All I know is that this game spoke to my history nerd so hard. I needed to experience it, I was not disappointed.

I think Allied Assault was special to me because it proved how cinematic games could be. Yes, the D-Day mission is straight out of Saving Private Ryan, but a lot of it was like that. The music, the action beats, the in-game animation, it all just expressed this incredible aura. Like I was starring in my own adventure. That I was a part of history.

That's what worked so well for me, that it completely pulled me into this period in time. Infiltrating submarine bases, moving up Omaha Beach, pushing my way through sniper alley, stealing that tank and using it against the Germans, all to an epic score I can still hear in my head.

The game of course had two expansions, extra missions covering other aspects of the war in Europe. Spearhead and Breakthrough were both excellent additions in their own right. The challenge was at times frustrating, but ultimately rewarding. And while Medal of Honor couldn't survive the transition to modern shooters like CoD did... I'm kinda happy it didn't. I don't think I would've liked Medal of Honor sacrificing its heroic optimistic outlook and production values to become what Call of Duty is now. A dreary, hyper monetized, cash cow that can feel exceedingly soulless in the face of how many studios are slaved to making its multiplayer maps. We can only hope Raven will one day be free of those mines.

I suppose there is merit in better showcasing the horrors of war, but CoD has just completely slipped in to a very right-leaning outlook on a lot of things, torture especially, although that is by no means unique to it alone. Medal of Honor always felt like it was more balanced. That war is hell, but there is still inherent true heroism to be found within the horror. Perhaps it hasn't all aged perfectly, and its own brand of patriotism can be tiring, even misguided. But I appreciate the series for shedding a light on the sacrifices made to defeat the greatest evil this world has ever known. I wish more people today were as willing to take a stand against similar ideologies, especially since similar ones to the Axis powers have become so prevalent today.

I just miss when games like Medal of Honor tried to share history with you, as much as anything else. And help place back in another time, to help us understand what it was like. And I really wanna hear that music again, okay? That shit was fucking kickass!

Call of Duty wasn't always the shooter juggernaut. It wasn't always the biggest franchise in existence, released annually like Madden to keep the multiplayer shooter scene satiated. It wasn't always stale and desperate and edgy and bereft of anything original. I hear Raven actually managed to make the new Black Ops at least a little less formulaic at least, good for them, hope they can get to do their own damn games again soon.

Back when CoD was just starting out, it had one mission, to illuminate the lives of those who fought in WW2. Not just Americans, but British and Soviet soldiers too. Trying to show everyone that wars are not won by singular individuals, but by scores of people risking everything for the homelands and the people beside them.

And it worked. We got to experience being an Airborne Paratrooper, an SAS Operative and a Russian Conscript. Each of the fighting on their respective fronts to bring final victory in the most devastating war known to man. It was a fun and engaging game that never got stale because you were always shifting perspectives, you were never static or in one place. There was always something different waiting around the next corner. It felt like a breath of fresh air in a sea of steadily increasing WWII titles that even by then were getting a bit much.

As CoD went on, it adopted more and more of its less savory aspects. Focusing more on multiplayer, single player getting downplayed, formulas being overdone, things just not working out the way they were supposed to. CoD got further and further away from its origins, now it practically own the FPS scene to the point it has become stifiling.

I barely play CoD games anymore. The only time I purchase them is when they go back to WW2, hoping to capture the same magic again, never really managing. I can technically still play the first CoD. It's on my Xbox 360, released under the arcade titles. However, you can't get that anymore with the 360 store closed down, so the rest of you are out of luck on that front. But I can't play the expansion, United Offensive, which I guess is why it's still here. I'm locked out of the full experience for the first Call of Duty. And that's sad, it really is. Maybe one day, that won't be the case though, we can hope.

Of all the games I've talked about, this one, right here, is the most important in my mind. Return to Castle Wolfenstein is the single most important game in my life, alongside Halo and Medal of Honor, as I played each in very quick succession of each other. But RTCW has always held a huge place in my heart because it spoke to me on so many levels that have become synonymous with how I view gaming even now.

Sure, there are stealth sections that can be a pain. Sure some enemies can be cheap as hell. Sure the challenge can be overbearing to the point of madness. But I replayed this campaign from start to finish on my PC more times than I can count. That's how damn good it was.

From the second I woke up in the castle dungeon and knocked out that guard, I was hooked. I made it my mission to try and sneak around, not get caught for as long as possible. Generally so I could over hear the Nazis in the next room going on about stuff. When it was time to go Rambo, I did so. Kicking in doors, blasting off a stolen MP-40, raining lead down from on high before finding a plate of delicious food to eat to heal me up.

This was, in my mind, the pinnacle of gaming. It was like Indiana Jones meets Captain America, it was everything I ever wanted. The supernatural elements, the crazy mad science, the kick ass weapons, that scene at the rocket plane airbase, when the elite Nazi paratroopers drop in, that was fucking cool from start to finish. Everything about this game made me smile, I loved it that much.

I was a fan of the Wolfenstein franchise from then on... until Bethesda and Machine Games broke my heart with that insult of a reboot. The New Order, in short order, killed the series for me. It's alt-history storyline was a complete clusterfuck, it's characters pissed me, its weapons weren't all that fun to use, and they literally stuck a middle finger up at the previous games in the series. First by dismissing any supernatural elements from the story outright, then by releasing that godawful Old Blood stand alone that was nothing more than them redoing RTCW's story, but worse.

I hate what they did to the series. I hated what it did to me more. I became so bitter and angry. By this time, my desktop computer had already given up the ghost, so I couldn't go back and play it again to wash the stink out. I had to get the game's original Xbox release just to be able to play it again! I needed to play it again just to remind me what had been lost.

So yeah, this is the one game on this list I really can still play in full, but I miss playing it still. As much as I love that the Xbox version is there and even has some improvements on the PC version, it's still not the same, it doesn't feel the same. And that's why it's just a substitute. Yeah, I can play it, and enjoy it on console. But I do still feel I'm missing some only the PC version had, sadly.

Well there it is, a small stroll down memory lane. Hopefully this brought some memories back for yourselves as well. I know this probably isn't my most insightful post. But maybe it gave you all a better idea about me.

We'll see what the future brings. Maybe I'll get a computer that can run these games again. We can only hope. Until then, I'll keep waiting to return to my old stomping grounds.

[allthemusic]

Week ending: 17th March

Yes, I am back! Took a break then found myself wanting to get back to this project, so here I am. I can't promise reliability, but I can promise some wild tunes that you probably have never listened to before, so there's that? Today's contenders couldn't be more different:

A Blossom Fell - Nat King Cole (peaked at Number 3)

Igenerally like Nat King Cole. He has a lovely, smooth voice, and he sells melancholy well. So I'm quite hopeful for A Blossom Fell!

It starts pretty, all smooth strings, and delicate lyrics: A blossom fell from off a tree / It settled softly on the lips you turned to me. How delightful.

Except, it's subverted immediately as we learn that The gypsies say and I know why / "A falling Blossom only touches lips that lie." And sure enough, Nat soon sees his love kissing another person!

He then proceeds to be correctly melodramatic about it for the rest of the song, singing about how love is dead, and all that jazz. We also get the very effective repetition in the I thought you loved me, you said you loved me line, which really convinces you that he just doesn't get what happened. And Nat does work up some passion for this bit, to be fair, but then he shifts back into the softer, smoother mode he started in, and overall result is a lowkey vibe, that's more regretful than angry or critical.

The trumpet solo, particularly, is rich and sad and somehow sounds like it should be in a Disney film, and Nat's voice when he comes back in, along with the gorgeous strings and little plinky notes, does nothing to dispel that impression. He's just so smooth about it all. Heartbreak has never sounded so pretty.

We've got a Big Old Ending, after that, but not a huge one. It's fine and quite pleasant, and I actually think Nat could have sold it more, but as it is, it sells the same sort of restraint that Nat's been showing for the whole thing.

Mobile - Ray Burns (4)

I can't remember if I have seen Ray Burns yet, but I'm choosing to assume that the title is about Mobile, Alabama, and that this might be a country song? I can't work out why else you'd have a song called Mobile, but I might be wrong.

Ooooh, we're starting in a big band swing mode, with some blasts on trumpets. This is promising.

Aaaaa, it is indeed a song about Mobile, Alabama, a town I know very little about. But it's literally a song about the town's growth into a place where people play jazz! So not a country song at all, a jazzy song!

Immediately I am won over by the backing singers' "Where's that?" interjections, and Ray's scene-setting spiel at the start, explaining how They saw a swallow building his nest; / I guess they figured he knew best, / So they built his town around him / And they called it Mobile. (Where's that?)

We then get some mythologising about the people of Mobile, and about how They took a swampland, heavy with steam, / They added people with a dream, / And that dream became a heaven / By the name of Mobile. Which is some cool wordsmithing, even if I don't entirely buy into the idea that anything can be "heavy with steam". Steam is not heavy. Also, swamps are gassy, not steamy. Oh well.

We add a little piano as we start getting lyrics about how the town got big enough to have a trombone and a piano player, which is some nice sound painting - we're hearing the city develop as Ray sings about it.

And then it all turns a bit tourism ad as Ray implores you:  No use your wondrin' where you should go / It's on the Gulf of Mexico / Where the southern belles are ringin' / And the climate's ideal, / It's a honeysuckle heaven / By the name of Mobile. Which, admittedly, sounds great. I now wish to visit Mobile, so job done, I guess.

We also get some vocal backing as the song repeats itself to an end. It's all a little bit Andrews Sisters, that kind of tight vocal jazz group style. I appreciate it.

I feel like this was sponsored by Mobile's tourist board! Or it certainly would be embraced by tbe tourist board today. It must have sounded impossibly exotic to Brits in 1955, very few of whom probably would ever go to Mobile. I mean, it still does today, I don't think many Brits I know have been or are actually planning on going - it's just not a super well-known destination for us. Which, if Ray is to be believed, is a shame!

What a charming forgotten oddity, glad I heard this. This is what thenproject is good for!

Well, I liked both of these songs, but one surprised and charmed me more than the other, so the winner today's gotta be that one. More songs about places, please!

Favourite song of the bunch: Mobile

[lovelytayforce]

The rest:

 Okay let's move on to the FALLEN aka Megatronus - I heavily dislike the "I killed Solus" story for him but I also love me a brooding ol Megatronus but the handsome knight of TFONE has recently stolen my heart! so old HCs first: He visits Cybertron more often to atone for his own sins against his kind and creator Stuck in a perpetual loop of depression he's not the same warrior he once was, but if called again he would defend Cybertron with his life in the name of his sister, Solus so that he may leave something positive in her name TFONE Megatronus is gonna be my go to silly knight tho, he's so girldad coded I need him for fanboying megs and my mental health And I could take inspo from Mss Yuina from HBR

You can never go wrong will a silly yet hardcore, caring knight who takes everything too seriously in my book. 💙 Next is Solus~ Again not a fan of her dying, I get it she becomes the well of allsparks and all that jazz but also CONSIDER MY FRIENDS She still gets a physical form and continues to create in her never ending journey for perfection for a weapon or merely an art project to make a positive impact on the world; also she may or may not led a femme colony cause she was bored and made life on a planet herself to test it herself. I mean if she's connected to the afterlife why not have it both ways; Onyx does - Also, this means my fave won't be sad and they can hang out in her workshop - In my HCs she's one of the tallest Primes making even Megatron feel small. - She's got a temper but knows when to reign it in except when she's in a particularly great fight, then its over; you better hope you give her a good time for inspiration! Okay gonna try and keep these short so zoe doesn't kill me People are gonna say I'm addicted to Neet characters but oh well Micronus is the def of a Neet, he keeps to himself in the bubble universe of his creation only coming out when HE HAS to or wants something But be careful, he's not a pushover, you might end up offlining in a pixel bubble universe (I know its called microspace but I got too attached to bubble universe; I'll use it correctly one day cause I don't feel like editing this) of his own making! remember you've only got 1 LIFE!

Gamer stuff aside as the conscious of the 13; despite his own personality; he does care deeply for his siblings and strives to make the connection between them stronger as to not let anyone down!

Alpha Trion - The recordless recordkeeper Again we are gonna have two different HCs for him since TFONE came out

But originally, he was seen as the weakest Prime, and he felt it the most as a Prime with not many stories to a name because "A records keeper has no stories to tell but others. I cannot live without my quill guiding my servo of what will be, when it will be, and how it disappears…"

Despite that, he dreams of being more but will never tell a soul of such fantasies.

As for TFONE I love him and need more time to simmer on my hcs for him; but he is the BEST version of Alpha Trion and will be my default from now on.

more to come... I regret this...

since you're doing hcs

HCs for the 13 primes in 200 words or less so it's challenging 🫢

Bro thinks Imma FOLLOW THE RULES WHEN RULES ARE MEANT TO BE BROKEN Anyways, ladies and non binaries; let's get this show started!

I've actually written very small vignettes for the 13 for a RP for the people who are out of the loop, no they aren't published but maybe one day I can post em if someone asks nicely 😘 I'd have to explain the context of it all but basically I made this whole sim area based off of Elysia realm; that game mode left a lasting impact on me and it made sense for the Prime's to enter their wisdom as data that embody who they are when they are updated for wisdom is not given, it's earned through mistakes and strife in life. Anyways let's start from the top with my favorite of the Primes: Onyx Prime He doesn't get a lot of screentime which sucks cause he's like THE SHEPARD of the group: He should be guiding Optimus more than Alpha Trion does come on writers THATS HIS WHOLE THING LEADING! (IDW was Shockwave so that doesn't count) I need more of his friendly and kind hearted personality to shine in the main series so BADLY and like again I'm the Predacon addict; let him be my token PREDACON 😭 Anyways onto HCs - with his Triptych Mask; I often give him the aesthetic of opening doors to many places across the universe since he's so spiritually connected to nature and life as it is, he basically has a "Tunnel of light" that can not only guide him but the souls of dearly departed or maybe a lost living soul looking for a reason to keep going forward. - He wanted to live peacefully on Cybertron for a very long time but alas Cybertron wasn't the best place for predacons and maximals with their connection with nature and as transformers I feel he would gladly take the call to transform, adapt and evolve for the betterment of their people - Also, he smelt that functionism bs a mile away and decided to cut his losses while he could. His kids come first! - Can be considered the most motherly and emotionally aware of the group, he's got a good head on him which is why he's so well liked 💙 - He's best friends with predaking in all continuities idc they always find each other - Despite being apart of the Well of Allsparks, he has a physical form but it takes a lot of energy to stabilize so don't expect long talks at night. Onto my second favorite- Quintus Prime! Can I just mention how beautiful this design is? He's so pretty I love him 💙

I never really agreed with him being unimaginative considering he created life but I understood the perfectionist plights he held as for idealism, where his concepts really that unrealistic? I loved questioning that because despite his good intentions he made probably one of the worst species alive but it brings about a funny thing about life; you can't mold individuals with free will to your vision. One way or another this would have unfolded considering many would do anything to reach their god much less creator to understand their purpose in life. okay no more philosophy, lets move on to those hcs~ - After many of his failed attempts at making allies for Cybertronians he withheld himself in the land of his daydreams casting aside his perfectionist habits, he paints. He creates for the joy of it, for within a dream nothing can escape his control. It gives him time to think things out and truly understand how life exists and the beauty of nature that once puzzled him that his brother Onyx knew so well. It's a slow process but it opens this scientist's horizons beyond anything even primus could anticipate! You already know whose my next favorite is if you know me and my love for Transformers Cybertron and Armada those shows were my CHILDHOOD BRO Let's set the timer for Vector Prime! ⏰ YOU'LL ALWAYS BE ICONIC QUEEN THE FIRST PRIME I EVER STANNED OPTIMUS PRIME WHO /jk

I subscribe to the majority of his Ask Vector Prime answers which as follows: He's a fan of the dinobots He used to "boogie down" with a disco ball. Despite having traveled far and wide, he could not see why kids loved Cinnamon Toast Crunch. If he had to choose a beast mode, it would be a large sea mammal. Everyone he ever cares about will grow old and die in what, to him, is just the pulse of a spark. Sometimes, he feels alone even when he's in a crowd. His favorite human movie was Back to the Future, due to the performance of lead actor Eric Stoltz. He revealed himself as a Point One Percenter (after the Shroud).

Please read what this man talks about on tfwiki, he's a national treasure who brings me joy during my great depression. Anyways onto my own hcs 🥰

He's a stickler for being on time! Don't you dare be late! You're wasting his precious time!Vector Prime - The clock that always strikes on time!He's the first POP (Point One Percenter) and was the mold for many POP's in the future such as Skywarp As a being held by the constraints of time, even though he wants to save as many universes as he can, he simply cannot; he's stuck between a physical form and a form distorted by the whims of time and space what little control he has is simply a delicacy that must be treasured with the utmost care. He keeps small trinkets from his favorite universes and planets and leaves clocks around for the sole purpose of helping those looking for his helping hand. Also, I just think it'd be neat to find a giant clock and if you strike right for midnight he'll appear!!

The rest are in the reblogs. 👏🏽

[boom-bakugou]

‘The Three Times’ — Keigo Takami (Hawks)

A/N: had this one on my mind for a while, hope it made you as sad as it made me

Pairings: Hawks x GN!Reader

Warnings: angst, slight smutty themes, mentions of blood, slight stalker Hawks

Summary: There were 3 times each when you and Hawks really thought of each other after your breakup.

Word Count: 3.4k

masterlist requests are open <3

The first time Hawks thought of you was 6 months after your relationship ended. His fingers brushed tightly through some random person’s hair as their kiss became ragged. Spurred on by alcohol and their combined sex drive. But as they stumbled up to his apartment, lips locked together as if the alcohol called for it. Something just- didn’t feel right. He couldn’t understand if it was the multiple drinks that they had but he couldn’t help but feel like something was wrong.

Yet as he lay over them on his bed, readying himself to take off their clothes. Hawks stopped himself. His eyes glazing over the person beneath his body.

“I’m really sorry I can’t do this uh-“ Hawks’ usual cocky demeanour dissipated. “I think I’m too drunk.”

But his mind was completely sober. His near fuck-buddy annoyed at the disappointment gathered their scattered items and made their way out of the apartment complex with pity money for a cab from Hawks as an apology.

Plagued by his own mind, he couldn’t think of why he couldn’t follow through with it, stripping himself to go to bed as if stripping back layers of himself to figure out his troubles. Before he pinpointed it. The person beneath him wasn’t you. Laying on his king size bed he couldn’t help but still catch the smell of you on the other side, not daring to touch it since you had both ended things.

Why couldn’t he bring himself to sleep there? Even if he awoke in the middle of the night and was the slightest bit too far over on the other side he’d always move. Why couldn’t he bring himself to sleep with someone else in your bed? No, it was his bed; no one else lived with him. Why did he still reach out only to be met with cold covers?

It wasn’t that serious. He told himself. Yes you two had fun, were intimate, became each other’s best friend but it was better to be apart. Hawks knew he was holding you back and the pressure of keeping a partner and being a pro-hero at a tumultuous time wasn’t a good plan.

He hadn’t even realised the shirt that he’d put on to wear to bed that night was one of your favourites on him. Always saying it was the comfiest to lie on. You promised that’d be the one shirt you’d never steal because you preferred it on him. Hawks couldn’t help but chuckle at the thought, out loud, in his empty bedroom, looking at how your side of the bed still had traces of the way that you slept.

-

The first time you thought of him was 8 months after your relationship ended. At your agency, you watched him on the tv in your office as he was part of an interview. You didn’t even notice it was him at first, flicking through paperwork. You didn’t notice the interviewers announce his name or the cadence of his voice. It wasn’t until you heard your own name that your eyes were soon glued to the flat screen.

“So how do you feel about Y/N and their new agency? It must be nice to see your ex-sidekick flourish and make their way up and up the hero charts!” The host didn’t mean any malice from it, but you could see the shock and hurt in his eyes hidden behind his signature smile.

No one knew, no one even at his old agency knew about the two of you secretly dating. But the two of you knew about how work and relationships didn’t particularly coincide. Hawks chuckled, before he began his sentence. The inner cogs turning within him plastered on his face, his charming features that you knew so well.

“Yeah, yeah. I’m happy for the kid. Wish we kept in contact more often though.”

He did not want to talk about it. It had hurt you both for it to end it, but you were holding each other back right? You didn’t want to be a side-kick forever, and heroes dating got messy. Tabloids plastered with paparazzi photos. You didn’t want your image ruined before you’d even begun.

“You don’t keep in contact that often? But you two were so close!” The host’s voice was cheerful, trying to keep the smooth pace of the interview going as it had moments prior. Hawks was made for TV, loved by many. Seeing this talk-show was stuttering, you’d never seen him so quietly distraught on camera.

“Just hero work I guess. Keeps everyone busy!” He retorts playfully which makes the crowd laugh, and you yourself can’t help but crack a smile. He could work the camera like magic, but you couldn’t help but see the cut where his face turned into a solemn frown. He was so civil about the breakup. He couldn’t miss you now of all times right?

The TV had cut to an ad-break and you busy yourself with paperwork again. You didn’t really want to think about him, the caress of his fingers, the way his morning voice said your name in his own cadence, the breakfasts he’d make for you the times you’d stayed at his apartment.

No. No more Keigo. So you plunged yourself back into your paperwork and lost all thought of your ex-lover.

-

The second time Hawks thought of you was a year after your relationship ended. Days off never came to him easily, but craving a sense of normalcy at least for one day was allowed. Stopping by his favourite coffee shop was the easiest way to feel normal for him, order the same drink, sit in the same window seat and people watch. Except today, someone was in his seat.

Taking a chair a few spaces down from the girl at the window table, it took him a few moments to recognise her before placing two and two together.

“Hey you’re uh- Y/N’s sidekick right?” Hawks asks, the girl turns her head to him before looking at him in shock, almost spitting out her drink and spilling the other cup that she had with her.

“Uh- y-yes uhm and you’re Hawks oh god hello-.” She stuttered, he reached his hand over to let her shake it which she happily obliged.

“So, how’s it working at big pro hero Y/N’s agency?” Hawks sipped at his coffee, preparing to hear about all he’s missed out on- well, avoided. Her demeanour almost reminded him of you when you just started, a big fan of his looking to do more and be better for the better of everyone around you. She took a sip of her own drink, trying to compose herself before she formulated an answer.

“It’s a dream come true! I’ve been a big fan of Y/N ever since they were at your agency.” She smiles. My agency, he thought. Seems like eons ago.

“I’m sure you’ve heard a lot of stories from them.” Hawks chuckles, before looking he noticed her rather solemn expression. Her eyes drifting down from his to look at the coffee lip over the opening of her disposable cup.

“Not really, they don't talk much about the old agency which is upsetting- I’d really like to know what it was like!” She was so enthusiastic, so bright. Just like you when you’d become his sidekick. He hoped that he hadn’t ruined that spark when you left the agency. Taking his eyes back to the second cup, his heart sank a little before directing his attention to your sidekick; trying his best to keep his savvy cool aura around him.

“Are you two out on patrol today?” He tried to ask as nonchalantly as possible, not to seem prying. He hadn’t heard anything about you really for little over a year, why didn't you two keep in contact? It wasn’t like you agreed never to speak to one another again.

“Yeah! But we have an hour before we start so they’re meeting me here and got me to grab them their favourite before we head off.” She gestured to the other cup that sat next to her own. “They’ll only be a few minutes, do you wanna stay and talk to them?”

The tone in her voice was that of an excitable fan girl although she did her best to tone it down. Hawks’ mind raced at the thought, seeing you now; not just as he flicked over TV channels and newspaper articles on his phone. Or even how his favourite coffee place that he used to take you to was now your favourite, and you hadn’t bumped into each other here once.

“I gotta get running, I have some errands to do.” Hawks picked up his cup and went to walk off before adding. “Tell the kid… I hope they’re doing good.”

And with that he was off, sitting atop the rooftop next to the cafe, awaiting you to walk inside. He only got a brief glimpse and you didn't notice his presence but, after a few moments he saw you return outside. Hiding behind the lip of the roof so you couldn’t see behind, Hawks saw you lift your head up. Your hand shielding your eyes as you looked to the sky for him. When you had no avail you headed back inside to enjoy the rest of your break.

They wanted to see me. He mused.

-

The second time you thought of him was a year and a half after your relationship ended. The deafening sounds of plates smashing as your then boyfriend threw them about. Anger poisoning your veins.

“It’s not my fault that I get called away for work!” You seethed. Trying your best to not follow suit with him, your feet kicking away shards. You see him lift another mug, using your arms to shield your face as it shatters to the ground. It was one of your favourites, but you never remembered why.

“God you act like you’re all high and mighty that you’re a hero and that you save lives every day.” His hands bled from fractures slicing back up into his skin, collateral damage. You looked at the man you once loved, his face contorted with jealous vexation.

“I am not high and mighty! I just believe in what I do! There’s a difference between the two, dipshit!” You couldn’t even work like a hero right now with him, not being able to help but only bite back. You tried your best to make your way in between the cupboard full of the rest of your dining-ware before he smashed anything else.

“HAH you’re so full of yourself, you’re like that dumb hero you used to work for… Hawks is it?” The name caught you by surprise, like ice being pressed to the back of your neck. It was as if a ghost had left his lips. “Just as fucking arrogant and cocky as that cocksucker on tv,”

“Get out.” You mutter, your eyes surveying the mess on the floor. The pieces of broken china looked like islands among a wooden sea, a beautiful nonsensical mess.

“What?”

“You heard what I said, now get out!” Your eyes shot back up to him, filled with absolute malice. The timbre of your voice elevated as your shoes stood on pieces of the plates, cracking beneath your heavy stomp.

He hurried his way out, not another word leaving his lips. The slam of the door didn’t even make you jump. You didn’t know what to feel. Shuffling debris from beneath you with your feet, you kneel on the hardwood floor of your kitchen. Digging away at what had been lost during the fight. Some were little things like plates you found at antique stores or ones that had a chip in it after you’d opened the cupboard door to quickly. Yet one stood out to you.

In a pool of shattered red pieces was where your favourite cup had been rendered to smithereens. Taking each piece, you tried your best to regain your memory of why it meant so much to you. Until it hit. The day you got the mug was the day that Hawks had first kissed you. After a tricky situation involving a villain and a ceramics shop. He and you had been on a few dates prior to the mission, and after all was said and done the owner of the shop gave it to Hawks who then bestowed it to you, before pressing his lips to yours.

Rummaging your way through the pieces trying best not to cut yourself, you find that the bottom of the cup had been split into two, reuniting the pieces you see the faint ‘Hawks x’ painted on the bottom. It had worn away with time but you still saw it. His distinct handwriting, it always looked different when he wore his gloves which must’ve been how he’d written it then. It was a shame you’d have to get rid of it now.

-

The third time Hawks thought of you was 4 years after your relationship ended. How could he have missed it. It was all every newspaper wrote about, all every television talk show chattered on to their audiences to, every social media post upon his dashboard.

You were getting married.

Hawks balled his fists in frustration, the leather of his gloves creating a shrill noise which only fuelled his sadness. But why was he upset in the first place? He hadn’t seen you properly in the flesh for at least 4 years now, not heard you breathlessly say his name as you clung to his sheets, not heard you hum songs in his shower as you got ready for the morning, not smelt your sweet aroma that made him feel like home.

He knew he shouldn’t be thinking like this, it was all some crazy possessive idealisation that his mind had come up with just because it could. But his throat couldn’t help but go sour as he thought of you in another person’s arms. No one had really made him feel like everything was right, not those half excuses for a relationship he’s had over the past few years, not the one night stands nor the dates his friends tried to set him up. Nothing was as perfect as you were.

You were everything, the moon and it’s pull, the stars and their shine. And what did he do? Throw it away because he was scared and he’d convinced you that it’d be better for you too. How could he be so stupid? How could he have everything in the palm of his hand and let it slip away. He had to see you, just once. Before he could never have you again.

Taking flight in the pitch black, Hawks did his best to research where you were living now. Not in that old cozy place you once had, you were a pro-hero now, able to buy yourself way better. Settling himself on a rooftop near the new and improved apartment complex you lived in, Hawks kept an eye for any movement before he saw you in your window.

You looked as beautiful as the day he met you, clad in only some shorts and a T-shirt, you sipped out of a mug. Watching the bustling city below you. When the hot substance steamed up the window you’d wipe it off, allowing yourself to have the perfect view of the streets. The way the city lights lit you up made his heart swell, everything about you was utterly perfect. He only wished that you were drinking out of that old mug that he had given you all those years ago.

Taking him out of his trance were two strong arms wrapping around you, frightening you momentarily. You looked shocked, nearly dropping the cup. Hawks stood on the ledge of the building, flaring his wings as he prepared himself to jump into action. Yet you turned around and giggled, placing your lips upon your soon to be husband. He recognised their face and blonde hair- another hero. But it’d been years since Hawks last cared about the hero listings. He couldn’t even tell the hero’s name.

His heart sank as you placed the mug down on the window sill, wrapping your arms around your fiancé and dancing around the living room together. Hawks could hear the soft music playing in the background, the man spinning you around. Watching as your hair danced through the twirl with you, he closed his eyes and tried to remember what it felt like to run his fingers through it. Waking up to it tickling his nose, pushing it out of your face behind your ear; he missed the little things.

Opening his eyes again, he was met with the curtains shut. The final goodbye. He stood himself up properly, not worrying about being spotted before taking out his phone and searching for local shops that open earliest in the morning.

-

The third time you thought of Hawks was 4 years after your relationship ended. Your engagement ring dazzled in the fluorescent lights of your office, you couldn’t help but stare at it. It had taken so many years to find the one but you finally had it, being successful in your career and your love life. Everything was falling exactly into place. Before you could admire your finger any longer there was a knock at your door.

“Hello Y/N? These were delivered for you.” Your secretary brings a tied gift bag and leaves it on your desk, quickly scurrying out as she always had a mountain of workload to do.

You looked at the decorative paper carefully. You knew it couldn’t be anything inconspicuous as all deliveries into hero agencies had to go through rigorous testing before even being allowed into the building. You assumed it was something you might’ve ordered a while back that had finally arrived so you delicately began to peel back the tissue paper.

Beneath was a bouquet of your favourite flowers in a quaint but beautiful small vase. Amongst the sea of flowers was a card held by a stick which you plucked out to read, expecting something from your soon-to-be spouse.

It’s always gonna be you kid. - Hawks x

You swear your heartbeat stopped, retaking your seat at your desk. You reread the simplistic words on the card over and over as if they’re gospel and you can’t help but feel the pang of tears in your eyes and in the back of your throat. Placing it upon your desk you shut your eyes, you hadn’t thought about your feelings for your old boss in years. It sounds so silly, but maybe he buried feelings too. But that was long gone. You had moved on, you were happy. You were settling. Settling.

Still, you opened the bottom drawer of your desk and reached beneath a couple of old files to bring out an old memory. The bottom of an old mug glued back together so you could once again read the inscription of Hawks’ name.

[lovlydovlyjaycie]

Ævi - Frontlines

Hey again! This will be a continued series. The first Ævi series is in my masterlist and is only four parts. This is going to be a ongoing series, so there is going to be a lot more of Ævi to come. :)

Summary: Y/n or also known as Ævi has lived through varies of world events. Now it is 1941, she has excepted that some things cannot be changed so Loki has convinced Y/n to go to New York and live a normal life, a life Y/n always wanted. Or as normal it can be, because new introductions lead to events that didn’t go down in the history books.

Characters: Bucky Barnes x reader, Steve Rogers, Peggy, Loki, OC Vera

Warnings: Fluff, Violence, Angst, Me being sad writing this, we’re officially in Captain America the First Avenger now… So I guess spoilers? :( :( :(

Note: Omg.. When I tell you I have been dreading writing this part.. But like actually dreading.. Before I started writing this series I wanted it to be no more than 8 parts.. That obviously didn't work out

When I am writing and particularly writing about Bucky and y/n meeting again or them just being in love I always listen to Pirates of the Caribbean to the theme or Will and Elizabeth and I thought it would be good to share that with you guys. To get in the feels. Right now it jumps from POTC One day and the last minute or so from Drink up me hearties yo ho. I know it is so random, but I cannot get it out of my head.

Series masterlist

Part 13

It took me a minute to get here, but I was now in the Swiss Alps. I got word that this would be the next place the Howling commandos would go to. They think I'm dead, rightfully so, I fell off a train. Thinking about falling off that train with Bucky hurt, like someone was squishing my heart and I couldn't breathe. How was I gonna explain all of this. I should be dead. What are they gonna think of me being here, but Bucky is not. I sighed and brushed away a tear I felt rolling down my cheek.

I came here to help Steve, so that's what I'm gonna do. Ignore the pain for a second and help out.

I was hiding between the trees with a good out look on the headquarters. Nothing was going on yet. I knew Steve was gonna come soon, I just don't know when. I would need to tell him the truth about me. He's gonna hate me. I couldn't safe his best friend, but I'm alive.

These are times I really wished I was not immortal. Even Loki and Thor are not. They aged since I've met them, but me I'm still the exact same as I first was when I touched the stone. That stupid Life stone, but all I've seen is death. Sometimes I wished I never followed that man that gave me the box or I just had never opened the box.

I sat down against a tree and sighed again. What if all of that never happened? I would be with my friends and family. I have not seen them in almost a thousand years. I am not sure if I even remember their faces. I know I look like my mom, but now I can't imagine what she looks like anymore. It is awful. I am not even sure if I would recognize my own mom if I walked past her.

And the worst part of it all, the most selfish part. It hasn't even happened yet. Nobody is worrying about me being gone. Nobody is looking for me. Nobody is sad that I'm gone. Nobody even knows that I'm gone. I got blasted to the past in 2010 and it's 1945 now. In the mean time I have lived for a thousand years, but no one knows, No one human.

I'm not even sure if I want to go back to Sweden in 2010. Because I know I am not the same person I once was. I know I am not the same person they saw on my last day with them. Maybe one day I will go back to them, but certainly not the same day I had left them.

I shook my head. This was absolutely ridiculous. Of all people why me? Why let me be the protector of Life, yet I am always surrounded by death. Maybe it was time to fully use the Life stone. It has been under a protection spell from Frigga for hundreds of years so I won't be a beacon of power that attracts the wrong people. But because of that spell I never really found out what I could do exactly with my power. Sure I am still strong and I can heal wounds, but what is the extend of my full power? What if I could've helped Bucky... "These Hydra people." I scoffed to myself. Another thing that made me angry. Hydra. Before I got zapped back in time I studied history and never once was there anything mentioned about Hydra. But why? They have done all these horrible things, yet I have never heard anybody say a word about it. How is that even possible..-

My thoughts were interrupted by a loud explosion. I looked up and saw Steve zoom by on his motorcycle. Immediately the bunker started blasting at Steve as soon as they saw him. I kept looking at Steve ready to jump in any moment, but he pressed a button on his motorcycle and made the canon of the bunker explode and he got in with ease.

Steve was doing an amazing job fighting everybody off. He made men go down with ease until he was outnumbered. "Shit." I muttered to myself. I made a move to stand up hand grabbed my shoulder. I swiftly turned around ready to hit whoever grabbed my shoulder, until I realized it was Peggy.

"Y/n?" She said with shock in her eyes. Behind her I could see the colonel and soldiers. This was part of the plan. "How.. How are you alive?" Peggy stammered. I wasn't sure if now was the right time to explain everything to them if they were in the middle of their plan. So I decided to leap forward and embrace her.

"I'll explain everything later, but right now tell me what to do." Peggy let go of me and started to quickly explain that they had caught Dr. Zola and he told them that they were going to drop bombs and we needed to prevent that from happening.

"Move out!" Colonel Philips yelled. He gave me a gun indicating I was gonna fight with them. I followed after them and left and right people were being shot at by Hydra and vaporizing into tin air. Peggy was running next to me. We were both trying to shoot anybody that was a threat and they were trying to shoot us. The closer we got the bigger of a target we were. One Hydra agent got a little too close to Peggy and tried to shoot her, but I quickly moved my arm in the way and my bracelets that covered my lower arms caught the blast. I quickly looked up at Peggy who was looking at me in utter shock. But I turned back to the Hydra agent and ran towards him. I leaped forward and kicked him in his chest, knocking him out.

Peggy came running next to me. "You'll explain later?" She said with a smirk. "I'll explain later." I told her as I grabbed the gun from the soldier.

We both ran inside the facility taking out other Hydra agents while also losing some of our soldiers. The Hydra agents that were blocking our way were almost taken out when one spoke up. "Cut of one head, two-.." And I shot him. "Sorry? What was that? You didn't finish." I said with a smirk.

"Alright this way y/n." Peggy told me. "No, you go. There are more of them here and I'll make sure nobody will surprise you from behind. Now go!" I yelled as I ran the other direction.

And on que more agents emerged. I shot at them and one by one they were all turning into dust. For a second I looked down at the gun. I was amazed that this gun was powered basically by a grain of sand that was from the Tesserect. Only gives me more reason to find the full Tesserect. I shook my thoughts away and started looking for it. The Tesserect might be in a lab and if that ugly red skull is there as well it would just be a bonus. As I started running I realized something.

"SHIT!" It's not gonna be in some lab. Hydra is gonna bomb cities in a plane. He and the Tesserect are on the Goddammed plane. "FUCK!" I yelled to myself as I turned around and started running into the direction Peggy went.

How could I not have thought of that? My mind is so distracted I need to focus. As I ran through the hall I saw soldiers laying on the ground. It pained my heart seeing them. But I will not let their lives be waisted. They can't win, Hydra can't win.

I ran though a big door and ended up in a enormous hallway. This is probably where the plane was, but it was gone. People were still fighting.

"Y/n?" I heard Gabe yell from behind me. I turned around and saw him fighting off a Hydra agent. I ran towards him and kicked the agent off and he slammed into the wall. I put my hand up for Gabe to grab and he did that. "I thought.. Steve and I both thought you and Buck-.." I looked down and shook my head.

"Your ok I see." He said as he gave me a quick hug.

"We still got some things to do. The hugging can wait." Colonel Phillips said as he stepped out of a car with Peggy. I let go of Gabe and walked over to Peggy following her. "Where's Steve? I thought he was gonna be with you." I asked her, my mind running with all the things that could have happened to him.

"He is on the plane. He is going to stop it." She told me while having a quick pace.

We all went to the control tower waiting for a response from Steve. It was all nerve wrecking. Steve was up against someone alone in a plane. And in the mean time more Hydra agents had showed up. Colonel Phillips had ordered the soldiers to fight them off while we waited for a response from Steve.

All the wile I could only think that we could not lose. So many people have lost their lives. Because of this stupid war, because of Hydra. So many innocents. They need to be avenged. And Steve has the power to do that. He needs to stop that plane and prevent more people from losing their lives.

"Come in this is Captain Rogers. Do you read me?" We heard over the radio. Peggy immediately went over to the speakers.

"Steve is that you? Are you alright?" Peggy asked in concern. "Peggy, Schmidt's dead!" Steve said over the coms. Relief washed over me. It is done then, we won.

"What about the plane?" Peggy asked Steve. "That's a bit tougher to explain." Steve answered back. There has got the be some place where he can safely land.

"Give me your coordinates, I'll give you a safe landing site." She pressed on. My heart was pounding. We won right? I was a bit unsure now. I didn't like the way this was going.

"That's not gonna be a safe landing, but I can try and force it down." Steve explained. Colonel Phillips tapped my shoulder and pointed to the door. I closed my eyes. I knew where this was going.

We walked out of the room and everything started to blur. We had to win. Steve coming back alive is us winning. We had to win. Everyone in the hall was quiet, besides the gunshots you could still hear from outside. I think we were all trying to listen to what the conversation was with Peggy and Steve.

In just three days time I can not lose.. I can not lose two people I care about. "Please live Steve." I whispered to myself as I looked down.

"This is my choice." I heard Steve say faintly over the coms. "No." I whispered as I shook my head. My heart was pounding so fast I could feel it in my ears. I felt so powerless. Please live. I thought to myself again and again. "Please live, you're a good man Steve." I said quietly to myself again. Anticipating what would come next.

I heard them talk about a dance. Scheduling a date.

"I'll show you how. Just be there." Peggy said her voice wavering.

"We'll have the band play something slow. I'd hate to step on your..." Silence.

I took a few steps back until I was leaning against the wall and closed my eyes for a second. We won, but what did we lose? I let out a wavering breath. I felt myself turn hot. Again I thought of why this was not in any of the history books. I never learned about Hydra, Captain America or the Howling commandos. Was this all for nothing.

My anger was boiling inside of me. All these lives lost.. and for what? I failed, I failed to do the one thing I was supposed to do.

Then something clicked in my mind. If all of this was not important enough to be written down and remembered in books, I'll make sure there is nothing to remember. I am going to kill all the Hydra agents, every last one of them.

I took a deep breath and stood up right and started to head towards the gunshots that were still going on outside.

"Where are you going Ironside?" Colonel Phillips asked.

"To do something I should've done right from the beginning." i yelled back as I went for the door.

As I came to the entrance our soldiers were taking cover. We had the facility. But the Hydra agents were still shooting trying to get through and there were a lot more than I initially expected.

"What are you doing here?! Take cover!" Gabe yelled from his hiding spot at me. I gave him one look before ignoring him and walking straight into the line of fire.

My hands started to glow and I put them in front of me to catch all the blasts that were coming my way. Their guns were strong but I was stronger. Soon everybody from Hydra was shooting at me while I still walked forward. I wanted to be far enough away from my soldiers.

"Y/n!" Gabe yelled after me.

The magic glow started to slowly surround me doing it's job of protecting me.

When I was far enough I closed my hands making fists. "You get what you deserve." I said quietly. I closed my eyes, trying to focus on my power. Where it was coming from and where I wanted it to go. I felt it the power all over my body, but it was the strongest by my heart. I felt it was contained, caged almost. I took a deep breath.

And in one swift motion I opened my hands and put my arms up to my side.

Gold and white glow blasted out and swirled all around me, it made me slowly float in the air. It became bigger and bigger quickly and as soon as it hit the agents it vaporized, leaving nothing behind. In seconds the Hydra agents the were attacking us were completely gone.

This power felt great. Finally it was being let out after so long. They were getting what they deserved. All of them.

"Y/N! Y/N!" I heard someone yelling from behind me. I turned around. It was Peggy with fear written all over her face.

...

..

1972

"Love, you are losing yourself with all this power. You need to control it or it will control you." Loki told me with seriousness in his eyes. "Look around you. Look what it is destroying." I looked up at him. His eyes looked full of sorrow. He was right.

I turned around. Kattegat. All the memories I had here. It was all gone now.

..

.

To be continued

Next: Ævi - The Battles That Are Fought

Let me know what you think :)

Sorry it took so long with this one, I had a busy few weeks :(

Let me know if you wanna be tagged!!

@darkdragonphoenix

@toribentleyva

@witchinpractice

@cat-astrophe4

@bluemoon-icecream

[zalrb]

Is Damon meant to come across as a sexual predator in scenes like him threatening Bonnie & stroking her face, brushing up against Elena in her kitchen, imposing himself in Elena's sexual dream, sniffing her hair after forcing his blood down her throat, going through Elena's underwear & playing with it, blood share, crushing Elena's hand & looking pleased at her fear etc. I don't know if it's the writers intention because it also feels like they think it's "cute" or "hot" but it IS predatory.

OK. So. I sort of spoke about this with regards to Stefan because depending on the lore, vampires are supposed to be predatory in a kind of animalistic sense, Stefan explains it to Elena in 1x12, stating that they hunt, they stalk,and that’s often more thrilling than the kill and a lot of lore sexualizes that, angst and eroticism go hand in hand with vampirism so like Interview With The Vampire 

or Stefan with No Humanity

or even sort of when Dracula is in Buffy

So it’s kind of like “le petit mort” -- the little death, which is another way to describe an orgasm, like death and sex combined (although I have to stress for it’s more like an orgy of death)

so certain aspects of that is supposed to be in Damon, particularly with Caroline because like a predator, he picks the “weakest” of the herd

and I think what the show was trying to do with Elena and Damon is Damon is like the embodiment of "maturity” i.e. sexuality, danger, darkness that’s like confronting/smashing into this innocent “pure” naive schoolgirl

but there are a few problems with that, one is that the chemistry doesn’t work because Damon is supposed to be dominant because his presence is supposed to be forcing her to confront emotions she doesn’t want to deal with but Damon just looks aggressive or creepy and Elena looks uncomfortable or scared

she should look affected, if we’re being honest, she should look like Bonnie where there’s that split second of --- he got me (not a shipper, I hate them as a ship, please remember that)

but what’s actually primary is the narrative, the show didn’t actually portray what they wanted because even in season 1, with the exception of Stefan really, because it’s supposed to be his fundamental weakness, characters weren’t vampires first, Damon’s predatory nature wasn’t wrapped up in his vampirism so what they wanted was something like this

or this (even though they wanted Damon to be Eric)

but instead of Damon just sort of exuding this danger and this eroticism that puts Elena under a kind of thrall while also seeing something inside her that’s also supposed to be dangerous and dark and wild and erotic, he’s just a sexual predator and part of that is because the show wanted to make him an antagonist in season 1 around to fuck with Stefan’s head and his life and his happiness

but it’s also because they just wanted to put Ian on display and they wanted Damon to, like, nettle Elena, kind of be like this nagging thing she “just can’t shake” except they go about that by either manipulating her and putting her in purposefully uncomfortable situations, which they probably thought was rom-com-esque

but that isn’t a mishap like this

or he just breaks boundaries

because oh, Damon, boys will be boys

and he assaults her when he’s sad because he just loves her SO much so all of that that just makes him a predator --- especially when there’s a pattern of behaviour there from before he was a vampire

and the Caroline aspect stops being about vampirism when it doesn’t end with him feeding and killing her and continues to him emotionally abusing her and breaking her down

and consistently raping her

but Julie couldn’t even say that Damon raped her so basically, they tried to do a thing with Damon that didn’t work because they went about it the wrong way but they went about it that way to make him as despicable as possible so Elena could eventually redeem him, which would make for an epic storyline, except that Elena didn’t actually redeem him because they also, conversely, wanted Damon to make Elena darker except they didn’t make Elena darker because they still wanted her to be the character everyone put their lives on the line for. So basically, they wanted it to have it every way except the writing was terrible and they ended up contradicting themselves and created a sexual predator they didn’t want to call a sexual predator. 

[cutiebeams]

Hello TWEWY fandom, it's meta time.

TWEWY is filled to the brim with symbolism and hidden meanings, as we all know. Even the partners and their colors when they sync with Neku; I realized, have some depth, and I'm going to articulate my thoughts on it. This is going to be long, so get cozy. 

Shiki

Let's start with the first partner we get. Her theme's red, and Neku's is blue. Before we even delve into this analysis, let's unpack the general symbolism of the colors themselves, because that is important as well.

Red: passion, love, anger, energy, courage

Blue: trust, loyalty, wisdom, intelligence, stability

These two colors are essentially on the opposing sides of the color wheel as well; the only shade darker than blue is purple (which is Neku's theme of his attire but that's not important rn stay with me fellas)

Red & blue are portrayed as opposites in a plethora of media and this is no exception: Shiki is the extroversion to Neku's introversion, the pathos to his logos, bubbly and chipper vs his stoic and reserved demeanor. Neku is outwardly hateful (towards other people and his circumstances), and Shiki is inwardly hateful (she hates herself to the point she doesn't think there's anything special about her)

As expected, they clash vehemently at first. Neku is extremely irritated by Shiki's energy and she is frustrated with how aloof and mean he can be. But as they get to know each other, they become like yin and yang; and Shiki's kinder qualities begin to rub off on Neku which he exhibits in the following weeks. Red is often symbolic of love; and Shiki shows a lot of it: she's very friendly and amiable, sympathizing with total strangers and getting along with almost everyone; but she's pretty feisty too- she gets visibly upset when Neku ignores her and makes himself difficult and she's not afraid to call him out (and she DOES, quite a few times). However, she is still overall kind to him, even when he's prickly; trying her best to be patient with him and her gentleness eventually wins him over.. eventually. 

When confronted with an issue, Shiki seems to lean towards the emotional aspects of the matter, such as when Ai and Mina were at odds, she hesitated to bring the truth to light because she didn't want to jeopardize their friendship and emotional wellbeing; in contrast to Neku who wanted the truth to be brought to light as soon as possible because he felt that lying was wrong and it needed to be addressed sooner, rather than later, or things would just get worse. Or when 777 couldn't find his tech, Shiki listened to him vent out of sympathy while Neku agreed to help because of the logical results it'd bring- 

Shiki is also very outwardly emotional: she's very chirpy but she also isn't afraid to openly express her sorrow, anger, or fear, and sometimes she gets overcome by her emotions. But for the most part, she exhibits high emotional intelligence and understanding of other's feelings; and she's essentially the group's moral support: she's one of the most verbal about being sure that they'll make it back and that they all need to work together. Shiki is also extremely passionate; about other people, about the things she creates, it spills into virtually every aspect of her life.

The sad thing though, is that Shiki seems to love everybody but herself, and we see tiny glimpses of this in her small moments of passiveness (such as telling Neku he doesn't have to shout when he snaps at her) On the flip side, Neku's blunt honesty gives Shiki the inner strength to not only face her self-hatred; but overcome it. And that brings me to Shiki's other color: green. You can see it in her stickers + it's her nickname in Another Day. 

Green: nature, rebirth, growth, harmony, healing

I believe that this choice is two-fold: green also symbolizes envy and jealousy and this is something that Shiki's character battles with. She wants to be like Eri- beautiful, smart, charismatic; to the point she even tells Neku that she emulated Eri's personality at first because she was so excited to be in her body. But she then realized that she wasn't Eri, and would never be; nor did she ever want to be. What Shiki truly wanted was to love herself: and that's what her character arc encapsulates; a journey of self-acceptance and self-love. 

When we finally get to see real game Shiki, she's wearing green because she's a new person, hence the themes of rebirth and harmony: she's confident and happy in who she is; and so the green changes from the negative connotations of jealousy and envy to the positives of steadiness and self-harmony. There's also healing, for both her and Neku: she helped him to open up emotionally and become gentler, and he helped her accept herself. We don't get to see her face because it doesn't really matter: as Neku himself said, "You'll always be Shiki." It's her character that is important, not her appearance. Green is also red's complementary color, and we see that rather than doing a complete 180 in personality, Shiki just gets a little milder. She's not quite as bubbly, but a lot of her passion is still there, it's just gentler. 

In short, Shiki is Neku's opposite. They're like night and day: completely different, but inseparable. 

Let's talk about Neku a while now, shall we? His color choice seems contradictory given his personality when we meet him: he is extremely distrusting, volatile and aloof. The thing is though, Neku's arc is also about growth and while he does not exhibit any of the traits of his color scheme at first; during the entirety of the game, he regains himself. Neku's character is about relearning how to trust people and not being afraid to be open and accept different points of view and values- and that diversity is good and healthy! During his first week with Shiki, we get very small glimpses of how emotional Neku actually is, particularly through inner monologue. 

When Rhyme is erased, he's distraught (his thoughts tell us he feels awful) but he masks it with blunt logic ("Because we couldn't. That's how it was meant to be"), perhaps to avoid showing vulnerability, even declaring teaming up is a dumb idea- because people get hurt and there are situations where there's nothing you can do about it. Neku's rant when Shiki declares that Beat and Rhyme were their friends takes us right into his psyche:

"Who needs friends?! They just laugh and talk like idiots and pretend to agree with you- so you end up caring about them….exposing yourself...getting HURT..Screw it! We're better off without them! You want other people getting in your way? Dragging you down? I don't!"

And suddenly, Neku's prickliness makes sense- he views attachment as painful and vulnerability as a risk, and so he vehemently avoids them. He's mean because he's hurting and he's sad: and how fitting, as one of the negative connotations for blue is sorrow and grief. Remember how I said Neku didn't exhibit any traits of blue? Well, that was specifically for the positive ones. 

Negative symbolism of blue: coldness, aloofness, lack of emotion, unfriendliness, sorrow

And that's Neku to a tee: at first, anyway. While his behavior is not justifiable, it is understandable.

When Shiki snaps at him and tells him that he's inhuman Neku doesn't show any outward response during the actual conflict, but the next day when she apologizes his sprite changes to the "sad turtle" and we get to see his thoughts again:

That I was no better than a Reaper…

Rhyme…

……………

Well...right now…

Neku proceeds to tell Shiki that they need to focus on the mission, and she agrees. While he isn't being especially friendly with her, it's leaps and bounds from his initial open hostility: he's more willing to work with Shiki towards a common goal and one could argue this is when his paradigm shift begins- her comment rattled him a lot, and Neku makes baby steps to change. The daily mission (which involves helping two friends address a misunderstanding) gives us more development for him, too. At this point, he still doesn't think conflicting views and values are a good thing and that relationships only hold him back; and he voices to Shiki that he doesn't see the point of friendships built on falsehoods (which is an excellent point and one that she actually agrees with) and we get to see one of Neku's good qualities: he values truth and honesty a lot. 

She asks him if he truly thinks that people are better off without friends, and when he doesn't answer; Shiki talks about how meeting Eri made her want to be her best self (which is how ALL healthy relationships should be, whether platonic or romantic). She mourns Rhyme again, venting that it isn't fair she'll never know what dreams are like and this time, Neku doesn't deflect. He sympathizes, and for the first time since entering the game, allows himself to be emotionally vulnerable: 

"I know. I…. I'm sad too. We'll just have to live a little extra. For her sake."

From this point onward, Neku begins to grow positively, slowly but surely. He's not friends with Shiki yet, but he feels safe enough in her company to not only express sorrow but caring enough to encourage her to keep pressing forward; for Rhyme's sake. The next day Shiki is quiet and sad due to being confronted on her self-hatred, and Neku doesn't know how to deal with her lack of cheeriness. But instead of being annoyed with her like before, he's visibly concerned and wondering what's wrong; and he tries to engage with her as much as possible: asking for her viewpoint on the daily mission and what they should do, etc. When he learns the truth about Shiki's identity, Neku just listens patiently and afterwards, his monologue is much more positive and understanding:

All this time..she's been as confused as me.

He now realizes that she's just as scared and upset as he is and he empathizes with that, going even further to say that "I like you the way you are" when Shiki expresses fear in being brought back due to her underlying jealousy: he appreciates her, every aspect of her; not because she's perfect, but just for who she is. Later on when Shiki hesitates to scan Eri and runs away Neku gives her the push to do so: as said earlier, he values the truth, and he knows that Shiki needs to face it if she's going to improve as a person- and we see him beginning to exhibit his wisdom. He's not really gentle, but his honesty is needed. When Shiki begins comparing herself to Eri and self-deprecating, he intervenes, in his own way: 

"Oh, would you cut the crap? Who ARE you? You're you. You're not Eri. You'll never be Eri. You'll only ever be you."

Neku reiterates what Shiki told him earlier, about never wanting to be Eri, but he goes a step further. She only went as far as to say she wanted to love herself, but that she never could; while Neku asserts to her that being herself is absolute and unchangeable. Shiki mildly protests this though, saying that Eri is "so much better". To her, while she does value her identity the most, Eri's identity makes her feel inferior. She wants to be her own self, but Eri, in her eyes, is perfect, something that she cannot achieve. And that is why Neku's reply is so important.

"Forget her! You need to live your own life. If she can do it, so can you. All that matters is that you try. You're lucky you're jealous. It gives you something to shoot for. So..shoot."

Up to this point, Shiki has measured the worth of her identity based upon comparison to others, and Neku understands that and tells her upfront  that she needs to stop trying to be somebody that she isn't and be confident in her own self, and just do her best- and that'll be enough. He also encourages her to use her jealousy in a productive way, to find her niche; her drive. This gives Shiki the courage to go back and listen to what Eri has to say, and in doing this she hears her friend praise her positive traits, ones that Shiki herself most likely never even realized: her empathy and love for people, her eye for detail, her skill in creating things, her passion and motivation-

 ALL things, that according to Eri, "I don't have." And Shiki finally understands that Eri saw her as her equal and that who she is, is valued. Of course, a few positive reinforcements is not enough to do a 180 from most likely years of self-hatred, and so she asks Neku again if she's okay the way she is; and his reply shows yet more growth:

"Hey, Shibuya's got room for all types."

This is a STARK contrast to his dialogue when we first meet him- "All the world needs is me," "You have your values, and I have mine," etc. Neku valued his identity, but he took it to the extreme in that he ONLY valued his identity, values, and morals. After meeting Shiki though, his viewpoint changes a bit and at this point Neku now appreciates diversity- he's still not at the point that he feels he can understand other people, but he at least doesn't see conflict of morals as a bad thing anymore. And in turn, this gives Shiki the inner strength to want to go back to the RG and start afresh. He gives her one last push to go back when she hesitates since she was the only one granted a second chance, with the promise to see her again; and in just a week, Shiki goes from being the biggest pain in Neku's side to his biggest motivation for surviving the second game and one of his best friends.

Joshua

Another week, another partner.

What's interesting about Joshua is that he is also blue, just a lighter shade. While Shiki is Neku's opposite, Joshua is more akin to his shadow- a mirror, of sorts.

Light Blue: peace, serenity, ethereal, spiritual, infinity

Josh and Neku are extremely similar, but their personalities still converge at enough points that they're starkly different: their tempers especially are a separating point as Neku is much snappier than Joshua (especially if provoked), and despite Josh being represented by a lighter color, in a lot of ways, he symbolizes his partner's negative traits in even more extreme ways in a subversion to expectations; a "darker" version of him, in a sense. 

When they first meet, these two also clash, but for entirely different reasons. Joshua's attitude, as well as his dodginess, pisses Neku off immensely. While his first week with Shiki is about relearning how to build trust, his second week is a test of said trust by giving him a partner very similar to his former self: distant, aloof, uncaring. It gets especially tricky when Neku scans Joshua and sees himself dead, and he begins to distance himself again; deciding that there is no way that he can trust him- and not only that, but that it'd be ridiculous to do so. Neku senses something is off: he doesn't know what it is, but it unsettles him enough that he is steadfast in his decision to keep Josh at arm's length.

...Until he and Josh visit Mr. Hanekoma, and upon learning that his teammate and Mr. H are acquainted, Neku decides that perhaps Joshua isn't as bad as he initially thought: but he's still pretty hesitant; and understandably so. Mr. H gives him some backstory of his partner, and his motives start to come to light - turns out, Joshua has been able to see the game while living, and that alienated him from other people since Hanekoma was the only one he could confide in. Just like with Neku, this doesn't justify his behavior, but it does make it understandable: Josh pushes away people by playfully antagonizing them and making himself difficult, and Neku pushes them away through hostility. 

When he and Josh visit Udagawa, they connect on both not doing well in groups and Joshua comments that they're more alike than he thought, which leads into a conversation about people not being able to understand each other as long as they have their own worlds and Neku begins to backslide a little:

"Right? They're them, and I'm me. Talking to them gets me nothing."

He goes on to say he respects CAT and their philosophy about doing your own thing and how he needs to just enjoy his life and forget about others, and Josh agrees. While Shiki is Neku's friend, she is the exception, not the norm, and Neku still doesn't trust most people. However, when Josh expresses not needing other people's values, Neku's reply is interesting. He agrees outwardly, but it's hesitant, as if he's unsure of himself. 

"Yeah..."

His inner thoughts show us that once again, he is changing.

But...I don't feel that way anymore. Since coming to the UG, reading people's minds- Shibuya's full of people with just as many viewpoints. Mr. H said the world ends with me. To expand my world, I have to learn to look farther- not write off other people's values as inferior. 

….Maybe I had it backwards. Maybe I need to open up to really enjoy- 

Josh calls him and snaps him out of his thoughts so we don't know what he was going to think next, but Neku has definitely experienced a massive paradigm shift in his way of thinking: he's inwardly questioning himself and acknowledging his wrongs and showing willingness to trust again and is showing a lot more empathy to other people. However, this resolve begins to crack when more holes in his memory get filled. Neku is angry and confused, but most of all, he's hurt and we see it in his reaction when Josh asks if he's okay; because he distances himself again. This situation causes him grow distant once more and he also gets more openly prickly since his trust is shaky. Josh relating to him that he feels he belongs in the UG doesn't help matters, either.

However, a later conversation has him moving forwards again. While acknowledging that people are not meant to see eye to eye, he thinks to himself that perhaps it is better that way. People don't think alike, but they can at least try to understand each other; and he then gets the resolve to actually counter Joshua's argument of solely reading people's thoughts and not talking to them.

"But why? Where's the enjoyment in that? I'd rather broaden my world my own way."

And again, we get a small paradigm shift of Neku feeling comfortable enough to express the positive changes that he has slowly been experiencing: blue symbolizes stability, and by this point in the story he is obtaining more and more of it: in his values, in his emotional expression, in how he deals with people, etc. He gets thrown for an immense loop learning that Joshua is alive though, and Neku finally snaps when his teammate brushes it off claiming they're "just like any other pair"-

He's utterly disgusted by Joshua treating the Game as an adrenaline rush- even when Neku first got into the Reaper's Game, he never enjoyed it, even if he initially was only looking out for himself at first; and the idea of getting excitement from toying with death is foreign to him. It only gets worse when Neku accuses Josh that HE killed him, and simply is taunted in return. From that point onward, he becomes openly hostile and snappy again, throwing the idea of trusting his teammate to the wind and tells him upfront that he's only going to tolerate him to survive; leaning back on his negative qualities (because growth is a process and there will be moments of wavering and backwards steps, and that's normal!)

Later on he also shows open distress when a Reaper is attacked and they are unable to save him; declaring they "left him to die." Even though it wasn't any fault of their own, Neku self-blames just like Shiki did in the first week- thinking that he could've done something, maybe if he had gotten there sooner, or defeated the Noise faster. While not 100%, Neku is comfortable enough to openly express sorrow, and Joshua underhandedly sympathizes and takes the blame off him ("We did what we had to do Neku.") He also protects Sota from Noise later down the line even though his partner is already erased and he's going to die anyway and again expresses sadness ("If only we'd gotten here earlier") and even indignation after the older man dies, screaming in anger about all the people who have been erased ("These are people, not toys!!"). When Josh questions him about the interest in others, he then explains that he's gotten to know folks better and that "it's different now".

"They're not just strangers. I can't shut them out like that." 

This is really important because in this, Neku is essentially declaring he cannot go back to who he used to be; nor does he WANT to. He refuses to, and he is making a conscious effort to be open to other people even if he doesn't understand them. Neku goes on to assert that one needs to reach out to others as well in counter to Josh asserting that he won't ever be able to understand others and this time, Joshua responds positively. Through Neku's steadfastness and refusal to waver on his viewpoints once he truly feels solid in them, and his courage to express them and not back down; he influences Joshua into thinking that perhaps people truly do need each other and can understand each other, even if it isn't easy to do so. In showing sympathy towards his enemies, he also proves again and again that people can change too, for the better; and his wisdom begins to shine once more. (And it is this change that ultimately leads Joshua to decide to save Shibuya) Unfortunately, Neku is thrown for yet another loop upon getting more of his memory back and thinking that Sho killed him, and Josh sacrificing himself is absolutely world-rocking.

He blames himself again, angry at himself for not opening up; and it is with this mindset that he is thrown into the Reaper's Game for the final time. His trust is in shambles, and the third week is Neku's personal test to see if he is willing to reach out despite being recently wounded by his partner.

Speaking of, Joshua doesn't really have an arc compared to the rest of the cast: rather, he serves as the catalyst to their growth instead. His character is interesting because from beginning to end, he expresses essentially none of the positive attributes of the color he is represented by; he only appears to at first glance. While Josh does change his mind about destroying UG Shibuya and is convinced that people can change for the better, whether he himself changes for the better is up for debate. Orange is the second color associated with him (it's the shade of his cell phone and his stickers), but just like with light blue, he expresses none of its positive traits.

Orange: enthusiasm, happiness, creativity, determination, encouragement

Negative symbolism of orange includes insensitivity, pessimism, and being unsociable, all aspects of Joshua's character. He doesn't think that people can change; and that it is impossible to understand them (he even goes as far to express "I'd rather just get rid of them" in a dark contrast to Neku, who is content to merely ignore people). Josh doesn't like groups of people either, and he exhibits insensitivity many times throughout the second week, merely behaving charismatic in order to interact with others. He doesn't really grow outwardly, but that's not the point of his character; he's Neku's test to see if he's truly changed or not.

Joshua is Neku's shadow, he's in the same vein. Rather than night and day, they are as dusk and midnight.

Beat

Beat is interesting because his color was actually switched for Final Remix: in the original DS version Beat is green, and in the Switch version he is yellow. I'm going to dive into both because I feel they're equally important. I already covered green for Shiki, but green has yet another meaning which describes Beat to a tee- safety. While Shiki is the moral support and mediator, he is the protector: he's extremely sacrificing for his sister and the people he cares about to the point of putting himself in physical danger to keep them safe (such as jumping in front of a car to save Rhyme, or jumping in front of Neku to protect him from a brainwashed Shiki). That much stays constant throughout the game. Healing also applies to him, as he helps Neku to open up and feel safe being emotional again by not being ashamed of being emotional himself: Beat openly cries over Rhyme and Neku mourns with him, and they help each other heal by learning to rely on one another. Not just as partners, but as friends.

Yellow: joy, warmth, positivity, friendship

From the get go, Beat is a huge bundle of energy and he's extremely kind; although he gets rather volatile if he feels slighted. But like with Shiki, he's overall a very sweet person and openly emotional: he gets angry in a heartbeat, laughs heartily when he's happy, and cries freely when he's sad- and his tears are never portrayed in a negative manner either; they're just a normal reaction to a sad situation and this normalization of sorrow leads to Neku getting comfortable again in being vulnerable- one could argue he's the most emotional in Week 3. Yellow is the complementary color to purple, which is also the main shade of Neku's design. Rather than an opposite like Shiki, or a shadow like Joshua, Beat is Neku's foil. He's a lot kinder and he's got a big heart but he is also extremely impulsive and acts w/o thinking. In contrast, Neku thinks things through logically, but he's a little lacking emotionally; and so they balance each other out. He's also highly attune to when Neku starts withdrawing into himself and gently snaps him out of it constantly; showing once again his sensitivity to emotion. (He consistently asks Neku if he's okay when he gets lost in thought; which Neku does a lot, especially if he's upset. Beat keeps him grounded.)

Beat's arc is finding value in himself again + doing his best; not for other people, but for himself and finding his drive. When mourning Rhyme, he vents that "she thought I was worth dying for" and that she had much more to live for, and he doesn't understand why she'd sacrifice for him. (And he blames himself for her death, as well) While Beat is protective out of the kindness of his heart, it also comes from a lack of self-worth: he places other people above himself, to a fault. Neku sympathizes with his grief but then goes a step farther to encourage him to not be regretful. In another contrast to Shiki, rather than another's identity making him feel inferior to the point of emulating them and overshooting, Beat jumps to the other side of the ditch and loses his passion altogether. 

Rhyme refused to give up on him, but eventually Beat began to resent her pity and he began to push her away as well. After they both died and came to the Game though, Rhyme's declaration that she had nothing to live for startled him into realizing that she meant a lot more to him than he thought and more than anything else; he wanted to be there for her as she was for him. After beating himself up, Neku comforts Beat in his own way, telling him that he needs to focus on the now and not let his sorrow overcome him, in essence; but also to go the distance just for himself, not for anyone else.

And Beat gets his fire all over again, eventually declaring that Neku isn't his partner anymore- he's a friend, and one that he cares about a lot.

Through his partners, Neku finds himself, they all strengthen different aspects of him. He learns to trust, to be open, to find value in friendship again and him taking off his headphones is the ultimate metaphor of him letting the world back in.

Shiki, his opposite.

Joshua, his shadow.

Beat, his foil. 

They all shaped his world, and showed Neku just how wonderful it really is.

And that is beautiful.

[jiwonsssi]

- differences, pt. 2

I hate descriptions. Just read.

characters: Eun Jiwon/'you'

warnings: swearing

A/U: i tried into drama making but since i hate drama it turned out kinda cringey so yeah enjoy and OH its long

And the next week was pretty much normal. Practices, meet ups with friends, helping your mother on her work and other typical stuff for you. You even managed to forget what happened with Jiwon earlier, because there were no time to think about it; too much is happening, and, as always, it does make you feel overwhelmed. And of course there was someone who was fascinated with the idea on how to make you life worse. Sungha didn't even try, you don't know if it was his intention; but God was he successful.

He got suddenly fucking annoying; to the point you didn't even want to see him. He asked annoying question, joked annoying jokes, touched you so annoyingly that you flinched from him everytime. Perhaps, he didn't do anything wrong (as he, himself, claims) and to be honest you are not that angry with his actions on that damned night, but.. something is wrong. You can only feel it, it's impossible to describe it or put it in words; and that's, actually, one of the main problems - you have no idea what to tell him.

And he continues to ask. Annoyingly.

You read and heard somewhere that a simple gesture of a person could easily turn you away from her or him. Apparently, that happened.

And Jiwon. Somehow you see him tragically different now. This week made you analyze so many things about him; you spent hella time together, it wasn't that hard anyway. It's not like you are ready to jump on him screaming 'oppa take me' or something. Absolutely fucking not. Yet.

Anyway, among everything, you drastically wanted to be closer to him. Friendship seems like out of this world idea, but just talking to him feels better than with anyone else. Except, maybe, your mother. But perhaps it's because they are around the same age? We (you and your common sense) choose to ignore that fact.

The other thing you want to ignore is that you are very much disappointed in the fact that he stopped being late. Just a tiny part of you were hoping for another 15 minutes spent together in total comfort of the night drive.

And today was not different; Eun Jiwon was tolerably late and all the dancers waited for him patiently.

- We need to talk, - Sungha sits down beside you and you fight an urge to roll your eyes.

- Right now? - you are annoyed without any apparent reason. It's not right. You really want to talk; you know it's a need. But at the same time it feels so impossible; you know that there would be a fight. You just want to postpone it for as long as possible.

- Yes, because any other time you run from me like crazy, - he has a point.

- I'm not, - we will not accept it anyway.

- You are! But.. not a point. What the fuck is happening? Are you still mad at me? For just one shitty night? You made it safe! - he's not screaming, more like loudly whispering but you still see people watching you. So you stand up, taking his hand and shove him out of the room, standing in front of him with your arms crossed on your chest.

Rage starts to build up unexpectedly fast and you have no idea how to stop it. You don't want to, to be honest.

- Yeah, I hope you had great time as well.

- I promised them! What could I say? 'Sorry, I need to abandon something that has been planned weeks ago'? - he has a point, he really does. Everytime. But.. you just can't think straight. Whatever he says, you would probably still blame him.

- It would have literally took you about 20 minutes. But no, you didn't even think about it; the idea that your friends can spend 30 minutes without you didn't cross your mind. But the idea of abandoning me in the middle of night - on top of all, - you articulate dramatically at this point, but who cares anyway.

- Oh, now we are playing that 'could have been done' game? C'mon, quit it, I care about you and you know it, - did it make you more angry? Because it did.

- You? Care? My ass, how many times you dropped me over some shit? Buying me stuff to make it seems like an apology is not caring about me, it's bullshit, - you put his hands that he already had on your waist down, stepping back a little.

- Uhm, it's not like I'm the one who accepts them, - it's a war declaration.

You know he is right. You know. But at the same time, who said you should always think with you brain, not, for example, with ass? It will sound stupid, but your heart already gave up on him (if it even was considering him in the first place), your head's ideas don't really suit you and other parts of you just really want to punch him.

- Oh you know what? It's better to receive at least something from you, because otherwise I might stuck with only "amazing" conversations and even worse sex. I'm not your parent to teach you how to behave when you are guilty and if you want to shower me with gifts when you can simply apologize, I'm not here to complain, - aww, who's that angry little boy? He furrows his brows, breathing heavily and you shrug your shoulders, smiling the most annoying smile you can manage.

Everyone think that you are with him because of money, so why not play along?

- Fuck that, - Sungha goes straight back to the practice room again and you feel air in your lungs hurting. If that's even possible. You have chosen him for a reason and the reason is absolutely not wealth. And now.. it's kinda weird to be sad over something that you, yourself, ruined. You did ruin it, right? And over some, indeed, tiny fucking mistake.

You will not blame yourself for this, but maybe you are allowed to be a little upset. Break ups happen and.. it's upsetting. And when the adrenaline in your veins finally calms down, you inhale deeply, trying to calm that tiny crybaby in you down.

The thing is, you absolutely can't handle it right now. Just not in the middle of this mess with everyday practices and hella tone of work in general. You want peace and comfort, not all those nerves.

It's absolutely time to get wasted. And you're have absolutely no time for that.

Coming back in, you feel particularly everyone in this room watching you and it's so fucking annoying again. Why can't they just mind their own business? Is it that hard?

But most probably the biggest problem is that right after you, a mere seconds later, Jiwon comes in and you can swear he heard everything. Everything. You groan and stomp your feet, screaming at how life hates you. Internally.

You meet his eyes once, when Jiwon greets everyone and he just smiles, nodding his head a little. Maybe he will not think of you as someone who sleeps with men for money.

Just a tiny, tiny, tiny possibility. A girl can dream, right?

Hope dies last. All that shit.

It's hard to concentrate when all you can think about is your now totally fucked up relationships; it's impossible to pretend that you don't care. You do. And not because you are scared of losing him (somehow that is the last thing you afraid of), but to break up on this conditions. You truly believe that everything can be solved through conversation (even though you are the one who became angry but does it really matter?); you won't beg him to start over, because you simply don't want to. But breaking up without hating each other sounds better than what you have now.

The practice starts and you do everything automatically. Absolutely on autopilot.

- Hey, are you with us? I'm talking to you, - of course it's time to miss main choreographer speaking directly to you, right in front of your face. What a perfect day!

- Sorry, I.. sorry, - the music is already silent and everyone are out. For a break, probably. You feel like you are on crack or something, because you totally forgot what was happening around. And how much time passed by.

- Nevermind. What I wanted to say is that you are to dance with Eun Jiwon. I hope you remember choreography for 'Tipsy', aren't you? - you badly want to close your eyes, breath and whisper 'what the fuck' but you just nod silently, then shake your head.

- But I was dancing with Sungha as backdancer, so I..

- Not anymore. I don't know what is happening between you two but this is the last time I agree on changing partners in the last moment. Understood? - again, the exact same wish. What the fuck is going on? It feels like you fell asleep in one reality and woke in another.

- Yeah. But I..

- That's it, go and grab some coffee, I don't know, you lookin awful, - she smiles in the end so you don't feel offended, but she's totally right. Nodding, you turn around to leave. Coffee. Great idea. Would be even better with whiskey.

Unsuccessfuly trying to persuade coffee machine to not to add 5 portions of sugar, you also trying your very best to persuade yourself to stop fucking whining.

- Yes, bad terms. Yes, I look like a bitch now. Yes, he's going to shit on me everywhere. Yes, probably I will lose some people. Yes, I said awful things, - talking to yourself in public place is not a great idea but who cares, - But do I need those people? And sex was really not that great.. Fuck you!

You tap with a loud sound on a coffee machine who proudly presents you extra sweet coffee. Feeling your lower lip tremble out of pure rage, you shove coffee in sink and sigh slowly.

- Please, just once, sweetie, let's do it, huh? Just for me, c'mon, - now you try to persuade the machine nicely. It works with you laptop every time, so why not?

But yeah, life is a shit and that's exactly why you hear a loud giggle from behind and.. we're not in fanfiction. It can't be him. Right?

- After talking to yourself you started to chat with coffee machine. I genuinely want to know, are you okay? - it's absolutely not the right time for Jiwon to show up out of nowhere. The awful timing. Closing your eyes, you force yourself to smile and turn around, facing him.

- Yeah, just.. it's always nice to chat with someone smart, - he smiles again, nodding and comes closer.

- That's why you were talking to coffee machine? - you look at him, standing right beside you with his kind mocking face and he smirks, celebrating his win. Hell no.

- That's why I will not talk to you, - his face changes in seconds and he's now cutely mad. You could never count him as scary old sunbae, because it's so light around him. You can't be this free with the most of the men around there because every one of them don't know how to handle pure jokes. Jiwon does everything perfectly.

- Okay then. I'll drink that tasty fresh black strong coffee with no sugar from cafe nearby all by myself, - you don't realize that he's holding two cups and you honestly forgot how to say 'thank you'. He turns around very slowly, looking you in the eyes all the way and you put on your most exaggerated charming smile.

- Oh my God, I'm so sorry, oppa, you are the smartest that I have ever met! - you would hang on his arm or something but apart him being very open and comfortable with you, it's still obvious that he's much older. Literally twice your age. That would be crossing the lines.

Jiwon pretends to think for a moment and you smile as innocent as possible and he suddenly nods, with the same exaggerated satisfaction, passing you the hot cup.

- I saw you spacing out, thought coffee will help. Must be difficult these days for you? - he just stands here, leaning with one hand on a table and he looks.. stunning. His style is perfect without trying and you can swear the color black belongs to him. And you just broke up with the boyfriend. Stop. But maybe it's his care that looks stunning, huh. Sounds lame, but.. unless?

- Yeah, I just.. - actually you have zero fucking idea on how to answer his question. He wouldn't be asking if he wasn't interested in what you are going to say. Yet you also had no intentions on showering him with your problems so you look at him, trying not to look desperate and shake your shoulders, - You heard everything, right?

He nods and you sip coffee, trying to not to burn your lips.

- I did, sorry, - he places his cup onto the table, putting both of hands in the pockets of his joggers, - You broke his self esteem, not his heart. So don't worry about sounding like a bitch.

He's actually very right. But there is something that will eat you anyway. Nice, though, that he's trying to help you. Hella weird.

- But it will eat me a couple of months anyway, - you continue to drink your coffee, staring at the material of his black tshirt, not seeing anything anyway when he speaks again.

- Your words about sex will eat him at least a couple of years. So don't worry, you won this one, - and you choke on your coffee, spitting it everywhere, trying to laugh and feel ashamed at the same time. Jiwon wipes brown drops from his upper arm that happened to be on the way of your hysteria, laughing not so loud but any way very pleasing. No need to be ashamed, apparently.

It wasn't funny. It was just so weird to hear it from him.

- I won't ever again buy you drinks, - he's laughing, hanging you tissues and taking the cup out of your hands, throwing it into the trash, - C'mon. Break must be over by now.

And he's so light, just like that. Jiwon doesn't make you talk about it further, doesn't try to get into your head with advices; he said what he wanted to say and listened to you for as much as you needed.

Does being intelligent comes with age?

You wipe your mouth, making your way after him when you get this feeling again; why does your whole life feels like a fanfiction? Of course Sungha needs to stand in the dark corner near vending machine like a fucking anime antihero.

You couldn't see him earlier, but.. Jiwon did. You look at his back, being not just surprised, but absolutely fucking stumbled. Why? He didn't do anything extra, but he could have been silent about such an intimate detail, as sex. But he wasn't. He deadass joked about it. And it led you to one thought: was he angry at him?

No way. Probably.

After looking at him for a moment, it feels like all that joy and relaxation you got from talking to Jiwon disappears in mere seconds. You feel so pressured again. You fucked it up. Again.

Sungha follows you and you feel his eyes imprinting 'you will regret this' on the back of your neck; you literally can feel it. It's funny how you have been knowing every bad thing about him and his friends and still decided to say 'yes' to this relationships. It started as a mess, and it will end the same.

Position "I will make him better" was never intended to work anyway.

Jiwon holds a door for you and you enter practice room, slightly nodding to him as 'thank you'. Even though you are going to dance so close to him; so close to the point you never knew you wanted to, you had no intention to continue this rehearsal. Not even the slightest.

And when the choreographer was talking to Jiwon about changing partners and he was actually very surprised or even when the music started to play, you had absolutely no emotions on your face. And so the troubles begin.

Of course, that made choreographer perofm a very nice thing called 'I will fucking end you if you continue to ruin my pattern' and it made you even more irritated and you forgot how many times you clumsy bumped into Eun Jiwon's limbs with yours. He helped you. A lot. Messing it up himself, sometimes. Sometimes receiving your palm slapping his chest. You didn't see even a tiny muscle changing on his face to form an angry emotion. And it's all extremely touching and his patience is made of steel when he wants it to be like that, but.. you still can't concentrate.

- You know what? I'm tired, - you hear Jiwon nag loudly, after you stepped on his foot for the third time and music stops the moment after his words, - I can't work like that.

Was you ready to cry? Because you even feel your eyes watering. You never expected him to care about you more than he already did, but he clearly saw what was happening.

Though it's only your fault. You move away from him a little, brushing your hair back and close your eyes. There are three more candidates who can do that. Not a big problem for him to change.

Jiwon moves in the direction of the woman who's now particularly burns with flames of rage and you know that you are the one they are discussing and feels so pitiful. You really wish it didn't ruin your pride.

And it's not how they talk while looking around on dancers that made you feel like shit. It's how everyone know that you were declined and that it's absolutely your fault; and they feel like it's prior duty to stare at you so.. contemptuously. Everyone have their bad days. Yours just happen to be today. It doesn't make you worse or better, but it's hard to persuade yourself to think like that because you are already digging yourself in.

And his rejection is actually making it hundred times worse.

- So, I wanted to say that I'm extremely tired and that's it for today, - Jiwon stands in the centre of the room, looking at you all with such a sincere sorrow. You title your head, frowning. What the fuck? - I know that it's still a long way to go, but let's have an evening off today. We all are doing great and I am very thankful for all the hard work you do for me, - he speaks so.. slowly and thoughtfully. Like he really means it. It's nice, - And besides, I'm not getting younger so I need to rest. Let's pretend it's not the main reason, - you catch your 'what the fuck' expression in the mirror and he laughs, continue to talk like only he can. You have no idea how to explain that. It just hits differently, - So let's go, run faster until our very scary choreographer didn't change her mind. Go!

He claps his hands, bowing a little and continue to stand where he is, scrolling through his phone after politely saying bye to everyone who was addressing him. You don't move even a bit because now you feel like it's your prior duty to hail him. Of course people will know the truth, but he at least made an attempt to make it seems like it wasn't your fault.

You don't know how to feel about that. You really don't.

He stares at his phone and you wait until all the people are gone, clearing your throat to make him notice you.

- Shit, you scared me. I was ready to call you, - you title your head again, because what is wrong with him. He walks to the door, opening it for you again. What the..

- I am confused, but I still will say what I wanted to, - you come closer, letting the door shut and now it's his turn to be surprised because you just realized that you have a face that says 'I'm about to beat you up'. And you are not, - I wanted to say sorry for my work. I did a lot of mistakes. And I will understand if you are going to change me for someone else. I am truly sorry. And also I want to say thank you for what you did. It was.. great. Thank you.

Lowering you head, you look at his sneakers and sigh loudly.

- Look, I understand everything. I know what you are capable of and I will not judge you now, - he does it again. Sounds so mature. Reassuring. Calming. His voice is low and manly suddenly and you feel goosebumps running wild on your skin and you finally look at him, smiling, - But if you hit me one more time..

He pokes a finger at you and you laugh, murmuring short 'sorry' again, hearing how he chuckles softly. He's not mad. At all. You are so used to bullshit out of everything that when people actually treat each other like human beings it makes you lost.

- Okay. Remember when I told you I am not going to buy you drinks? - he looks at you mischievously and you nod slowly, making that "the fuck" face, - Lies. I will.

Now it's time to make that 'so...?' face and you do exactly it.

- Do you.. drink? - is he trying to ask you.. out? Like, is it.. no, it can't be real. It's ridiculous. No. Unless?

- I.. do, - the whole conversation sounds like two very slow idiots are trying to decide on something.

- So.. Me too, - you can't help but laugh shortly looking at his expression and then come back to the 'idiots' performance.

- That's... Nice. That we two drink, - you nod, trying your best to not to laugh again and he does exactly same. Hilarious to watch.

- So shall we.. do it together? - he stumbles for a moment then rolls his eyes and then smile, waving his hand in the air, - What I wanted to say is that I want you to relax and I don't know a better way than to drink. So let's go.

You know one that's better than drinking. But let's say he won't understand if you say it out loud.

Finally you just nod, exiting the room first.

This day is a fucking roller coaster.

[papikakashikahn]

Ink Flowers - Chapter 1

Hey there! So after watching Shippuden and mainly creating this Tumblr to commemorate my love for the series... my Tumblr seemed to lean towards my other interests... nevertheless! I’ve recently gotten into the Saiino ship again, but sadly there aren’t too many fanfics out there for these too... good ones that is. So since I’m a writer (I use the term loosely), I decided to at least try at writing my rendition of the two together... here goes nothing! Hope you'll enjoy! (I intend on continuing this series) 

Chapter 2 here

“Pfft.” Ino exhaled, blowing a tuft of her hair out of her face, just for it to flow back were it had just resigned a few seconds prior.

On any other day when Ino Yamanaka was not on a mission, you could find her behind the register working in her family’s flower shop.

Ino rested her head on her elbow from her boredness. Business had been running slow today, as per usual… other than Kakashi Sensei’s usual purchase of a bouquet of yellow lilies, and some dark red carnations. (The yellow lilies, meaning thankfulness, the dark red carnations, meaning love). Who he got these flowers for every day you might ask? Ino never knew. She was just surprised he was able to set aside time to wander the village being Hokage and all.

Nevertheless, he was the only customer so far today, and Ino was starting to become bored being all by her lonesome.

She started to stare out the flower shop’s window. It was a sunny Tuesday afternoon, which made her even more irritated she had to be working.

She bit her lip and looked down at her nails tapping the surface of the counter. You would expect Choji or Shikamaru to visit her but lately, they had become quite caught up in responsibilities involving their clan. Ino didn’t particularly like to think she was bitter about the whole situation… but bitter certainly was a good word.

Ino truly liked working in her family’s shop, socializing with customers, working with the flowers, all that good stuff… but the shifts were becoming more and more tedious, and it was obvious as to why.

It seemed everyone around was doing something with their lives. Her teammates, her friends, the entire village it felt was succeeding past her, not even giving her a chance to catch up to them. Hell, even Shino was starting to shadow in the AMBU’S tracking division!!!

Ino and most of her peers were 18 now. The Fourth Shinobi war had only ended a year ago… she had only lost her father a year ago.

Although almost everyone had become a repercussion of the war, it seemed as though they were handling it better than her. Everyone was able to pick up with their lives and move on, continuing to do more exciting things.

Everyone except her that is.

Naruto was fulfilling his dream of becoming the next Hokage, Hinata was finally in a relationship with the idiot blonde himself… even Sakura finally dating her childhood Uchiha crush, who was returning to the village because of her.

Ino rolled her eyes just thinking about it. “What a bunch of bs.” she muttered to no one in particular, except the flowers maybe.

Sakura was Ino’s best friend … at least … she used to be. The two had become a lot closer ever been since Sasuke had left the village, but Ino couldn’t help but question if it would change now that the rogue shinobi was returning. The reason why the two kunoichis stopped being friends in the first place was because of that stupid Sharingan user.

Back when they were in academy when Sakura was picked on for that HUGE forehead of hers, the two kunoichis had become friends. Ino had often told off Sakura’s bullies and from then on, the two of them were inseparable. Ino helped Sakura have more confidence in herself, and to embrace that huge forehead of hers. Ino even gave Sakura one of her headbands to push back those bangs of hers she was using to hide it .

And just like that, it all changed.

Just like many other kunoichis, Ino and Sakura started to develop feelings for the Sasuke Uchiha. Could you blame them? He was a handsome, and a skilled genin. Not to mention he had this cool, mysterious vibe to him that had all the girls drooling. It was alluring. To be fair though, Ino did like Sasuke first, but never really pursued her interest in him until after Sakura admitted she had liked him as well, and because of it, Sakura explained they couldn't be friends any longer. Apparently, they couldn't both like Sasuke. Certainly, that was unheard of. After Sakura cut ties with Ino, even giving back the headband Ino gave her, winning Sasuke Uchiha’s heart became an obsession for Ino.

Deep down, Ino didn’t like to compete with Sakura or anyone for that matter - especially over a boy. The true reason Ino “competed” with Sakura to win Sasuke’s heart - even going to the lengths of growing her hair so that Sasuke would be more attracted to her - was to make Sakura feel the pain she had inflicted on Ino when Sakura told her they could no longer be friends. She made Ino feel unneeded, left behind, and especially - betrayed.  

Ino didn’t notice the tears welling up in her eyes as she continued to tap her nails on the counter mindlessly.

No matter how much Ino tried to convince herself that she didn’t care, or that she didn’t need Sakura, it hurt her that the truth was that Sakura was the one who didn’t need her anymore.

It stung when their friendship ended.

Ino, was the one that gave her all the confidence she had today, she was the one to nurture and care for the stupid pink flower that Sakura bloomed to be today!

And to think billboard brow didn’t even thank me for it! 

Ino slammed her fist on the counter in frustration, letting the hair fall in front of her face.

A tear had slipped onto the counter, but Ino hadn’t paid it much mind.

As of now, Ino and the Pink Haired kunoichi were close, but she couldn’t tell how the severity of their relationship would change with Sasuke coming back and all.

In the past, Sasuke was solely the trophy in the competition betwixt the two. While Ino lost interest in Sasuke as a person a long time ago, her interest in winning him as a prize against Sakura had increased. Winning Sasuke over was winning against Sakura… at what this game they were playing all these years Ino never really knew.

“You're strong-willed, Dependable and responsible...

Choji and Shikamaru...They're total goof-offs. Keep them in line...

And don't let Sakura beat you...in ninjutsu or romance”.

“I’m sorry Asuma Sensei...” Ino whispered to herself as another tear slipped, remembering his last words he said to her.

“I tried.” Ino she whispered as she wiped her tears.

Just then, she heard the chime above the door, meaning someone had entered the shop.

After quickly wiping the tears from her face, Ino shot her head up and smiled, exclaiming almost as if it was rehearsed :

“Hello! Welcome to the Yamanaka Flower shop! How may I help you!?” Ino greeted the customer.

When she opened her eyes she realized it was only Sai.

She untensed a little. Sai wasn’t that new to their tightly knit group of theirs, but still, she hadn’t really talked to him much.

She blushed slightly remembering their first conversation when he had called her beautiful.

It’s only been a couple years later, and yet she can’t seem to remember ever exchanging another word with him following the incident… it was quite sad actually.

The same pale ex-root boy stood in front of her, with the same simple smile he gave her when they had first met, as he gave everyone.

“Hello beautiful, I am here to buy flowers.” He said greeting her.

She could feel her cheeks tinge with color at the nickname as she did a slight little shimmy.

It seems the nickname has stuck with her… even though for some reason it didn't feel all too genuine. Well, as long as it pissed off Sakura considering he referred to her as ugly, she was fine with the nickname. After all, it was the little victories that counted… right?

She laughed lightly to herself.

“Well obviously Sai, this is a flower shop. Any kind in particular?” she smiled leaning over the counter a little more. He turned to observe the bouquets of vibrantly colored flowers before him, scanning each one carefully. It didn’t seem to help much though.

“I-I don’t know really…” he began.

“Well what’s the occasion?” she smirked, interested. He turned to give her another one of his smiles.

“I wish to draw a subject of beauty for my new composition.” he explained. Ino furrowed her eyebrow at him, slightly disappointed there wasn’t any tea to spill today.

“Listen, I’m not complaining or anything… but you do know you could just go outside and pick a bunch of dandelions for free… right?” she asked him.

Sai solely shook his head. “I am after something more vigorous to portray, I do not mind paying.” he assured her. She simply nodded her head in response as the pale boy turned his head back to the bouquets. After a moment or two, he picked one up, and turned to Ino. “These will do.” he told her.

Ino looked from the flower to Sai, and from Sai to the flowers, with a distasteful look on her face.

“Is something… wrong… do you… not approve?” Sai questioned confused as he looked down at the flowers in his hands. There didn’t seem to be anything particularly wrong to him. They were flowers, weren't they?

“Blue Bells are a pretty flowers Sai, but they represent humility. People usually buy them when they are trying to apologize to someone.” Ino told him.

It seemed as though Ino’s explanation of her distaste still didn’t help Sai understand.

“F-flowers have meanings?” he stuttered looking down at the bluebells in his hands.  

“Why of course!!!” Ino exclaimed, walking around the counter towards him excitedly.

“Candypuff's for example-” Ino paused, pointing to a bouquet of white dainty flowers a few feet across from them “-means indifference.” she told him. He stared down at the flowers in his hands still.

“...And what is humility like?” he questioned, looking up to her curiously. She was about to ask him what the fuck he was talking about - until she remembered that he was still new to emotions, being from the root and all. From what she understood, he had a lot of difficulty understanding the concept of human socializing, empathy, and emotions in general. It seemed odd for such a confident, talkative girl such as herself. But really, could you blame him? The foundation trains genin and or younger with the potential to become apart of the ANBU black ops to suppress their emotions to the point where they don’t exist, not to mention every connection you have to the world is cut off. You have no name, you have no family, you don’t even have a gravestone when you die. Your sole purpose it to protect the leaf, and connections get in the way of that. Therefor, it's no wonder the guy has trouble understanding his feeling , for about all of his life, he’s been taught that he shouldn't have any.

She sighed patiently. Ino loved talking to people about things she was passionate about, especially when it came to flowers, so therefor she didn’t mind explaining it to him at all.

Ino paused for a few seconds, trying to come up with the best explanation for him.

“Humility… humility is when you feel vulnerable because of something you might have done that you regret, you especially feel humility at another person’s reaction to it. For example, if Naruto spilled a bowl of ramen on his pants, you would laugh because it looks like he pissed himself, and Naruto would then feel humility.” Ino explained, adding a smile at the end. He nodded his head. “I think I understand.” He stated simply. He then turned to the other bouquets of flowers.

“And what do those mean?” Sai asked pointing to a dark red bouquet of roses. “Those mean sadness.” She responded to him. “Oh… like you were when I came in.” Sai blurted. Ino practically choked on air, her eyes widening at his comment. She blinked once or twice, comprehending that he had seen her upset. He turned his head to the side.

“May I ask what you were upset about?” Sai asked innocently.

Ino stirred uncomfortable, knowing even if she told him, he wouldn't understand. He’d ask her why she felt that way, although she didn’t really understand it either to begin with.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about Sai, i’m perfectly fine.” she defended herself. He gave her a shrug. “Whatever you say, Beauty.” he responded every word laced with doubt, even if it was unintentional.

Sai turned back to the flowers. “... What do these mean?” Sai asked pointing to yellow roses. Ino cleared her throat, glad he jumped to another subject.

“Comradeship.” Ino stated. He turned to her with a smile on his face.

“I am familiar with this term.” he stated content. Ino smiled back at him as well.

Sai’s eyes shifted to something over Ino’s shoulder. “And those… what do those mean?” he asked, pointing to something behind her.

She turned around, her eyes drawn to the bright red bouquet of roses on the counter. She had been assorting them for some guy who had ordered them for his girlfriend.

“Love.” she stated in a flat tone at the thought of her love life being so nonexistent. She wished someone had order flowers for her. ...It seemed the bitterness was kicking in again

“...What does that mean?” he asked once more.

Ino bit her lip. That one was simply hard to explain, most likely because she hadn’t known what it felt like yet either.

“Well… it’s a little hard to explain Sai.” She turned around to find his curiosity filled face. She tried to form an explanation of it, in a way that even he would understand. “You see, it’s when you like someone... a lot. When you care for them.” she told him with a nod.

“... So you can say, I love my friends?” Sai puzzled.

“Mhmmm, well yes - but the love I’m talking about is more for a significant other… like a girlfriend or boyfriend.” Ino continued. Nevertheless, Sai blinked absentmindedly.

“Someone you like like...like Hinata and Naruto for example!” Ino exclaimed.

“Oh, I see. So if someone is dating another, he or she is in love.” Sai nodded. Ino pushed her fingers together and did her little shimmy.

“Well not necessarily… just because you’re dating someone doesn't mean you love them. It’s-it’s a very hard feeling to explain. You’ll know it when you feel it Sai.” she stated. Sai tilted his head to the left.

“Have you ever been in love before beautiful?” he asked her.

Ino tensed as she looked up at him, but the way he stared at her so intensely made her shift her eyes to the floor again.

“No, I don’t think I have yet Sai.”

A silence formed between the two.

“These will suffice.” Sai stated, breaking the silence. Ino looked up at him, to find him holding the yellow roses. A smile was formed on Sai's face, as well as Ino.  “Of course.” Ino responded taking the flowers from Sai, and walking back to the counter.

Comradeship huh?

“It was interesting to learn that flowers having meanings. In a way, I guess you can say they are like art. There is more meaning than meets the eye?” Sai concluded, then looking to Ino for her response as she was ringing the bouquet up. After a moment or two, Ino’s eyes shifted towards Sai who had the same smile on his face that he had walking. She liked that he was conversing with her about it.

“Hhmm. I guess you’re right Sai.” She nodded. She handed him the bouquet of delicate roses.

“Here, don’t bother paying for them, they’re on the house. After all, it is for research anyways. A respectable cause if you ask me.” She smiled at him. He smiled back gratefully.

“Thank you for your kindness, beautiful.” He said as he held the flowers, turning around. “Mhmm.” She muttered, looking down at her now-empty hands. She began tapping her nails again on the countertop.

“Beauty, Sakura once told me about - well, I forget what she called it.”

Ino looked up at Sai who held the flower shop door open slightly. She felt the warm September breeze of Konoha flow in through the door, and wash over her, giving her the chills for a moment or two as Sai seemed to be thinking.

“Ah yes… lying as she called it.” He said looking over to Ino. She knitted her eyebrows together slightly confused about what he was talking about.

“You lied when I asked you if you were upset, although...I don’t know why exactly.”

Ino almost choked on air again she was caught off guard.

“Forehead told me that sometimes, people lie to protect their friends’ feelings… then again… I still don’t understand how lying about your feelings would protect anyone else’s. It is not good for you. You should talk to the person that is causing you to be upset.” He explained to her, concluding with his smile that never really reached his eyes. Ino’s voice got caught in her throat at his words.

Sai then proceeded to look to the ground again. “Women are a most confusing gender.” he muttered to himself.

And just like that, Sai had left Ino all to herself, and to her thoughts.

She tapped her fingers against the counter, in a calm tempo, as she drifted in thought over Sai’s words to her.

She looked to the flowers on her right, that sat on the counter beside her, looking at the rose petals that had seemed to fall off.

[orrtala]

Don't take this the wrong way but you watched Camp Camp and the mere thought you could have just livrblogged it makes me kinda sad.

Iwouldn’t have liveblogged Camp Camp anyway; this blog is meant for cartoonsthat are children-friendly. Well, mostly children-friendly. And CC isnot children-friendly at any point sans maybe the animation stylewhich I personally really love. Also with my weird eye phobia I don’tthink I’d be able to keep making screenshot through that long eyescream scene you know the one.

Butif you’re really interested under the cut I put my thoughts thattranspired during my watch - well as much as I remember them. Beware of spoilers, obviously.

Iwas internally screaming at Max’s parents since first episode and hislack of confirmation what was he going to do after escape just mademy suspicions grow. And I’m pretty sure 85% of the liveblog thatnever happened would be just being mad at them and few other parentsas well.

YesI’ve noticed Max’s camp wasn’t talked about although I did entertainthe idea that he might have had knitting camp given the dolls andDavid’s comments. But still it wasn’t presented to newcomers andhonestly how David did not know the truth through all this time?Unless Max talked him out of checking his papers but also he wasapparently here at least second year (both David and Max separatelymention a kid from previous summer holidays in later episode) soshouldn’t a freaking counselor know about his kid’s activities? Plothole for the sake of revelations, I guess.

WhileDavid was annoyed and worried about children escaping in the firstepisode he ultimately kept happy face on and told Max he was proudabout the knitting thing. First time we can see him slightly losingit was rather early though, because in second episode he got angryfor few seconds. No wonder, just lost a mascot and heard that the it was supposed to get rid of him instead. And yet hequickly got back into his happy persona, Mhmmmmmmm, the S1 finalerevelation in nutshell.

Thatwhole sequence with Quartermaster and squirrels made me laugh way toohard.

“That’swhy I’m here” okay Harrison, what exactly you made disappear? CueS2 finale. …Oh.

Ofcourse they would give Dante Basco a character with honor, even if,ah, twisted (honestly who would like to be a woodscout anyway.)

Tabiiis more artistically inclined than Sasha and Erin if her drawing andpillow are any indication.

Binarysale is a great joke why was it on the screen for half a second again?

I knew the point of David’s character, but. That S1 finale still hit pretty hard. Camp Camp can get pretty serious when it wants to.

Guyfrom electronic shop apparently is looking for Neil if newspaperarticle is any indication. But he was in jury two episodes earlierand saw the kid so how did he not find him yet?

Also missing wolf and missing child. Uh, child-werewolf and they wanted to cover all their bases? Overreading mode is on!

Forsomeone so untrustworthy of adults Max has shown a lot of trust inDavid by going into the sauna. Or, errr, at least put a lot of trustin his fears and love of Camp Campbell. But progress, I guess.

WhyDaniel didn’t blink through the whole episode I’m scared.

I’m so in love with the camp song-off you have no idea.

…Man that Quartermaster episode.

I honestly find it hilarious how David ran to Max for help. “Listen it’s the most messed up situation we ever had, help me ten year old boy!”

Also Quartermaster shack had a lot of background stuff that was neat and…And…

…I could really use bleach after Quartermaster episode.

Listen, David, I love you, and I know you weren’t looking at it this way, and violence in this show is rather prominent (kid fights grown-up woman, kids fight with drug cartel members,) but you just beat up black man. Not sure if there was supposed to be a commentary how easy it is for white people to get of it or not but still.

Ofcourse Max was particularly vicious towards Gwen in her episode; helost his trusted possession partly thanks to not her intervening.Granted blackmailing person with anxiety who hates her life was alittle too much but then again it’s Max and it’s Camp Camp we’re talking about.

ManI felt like punching pretty much everyone’s’ caretakers in there or atleast shaking them a little. Except Nerris’ and Ered’s parents andPreston’s grandma. And I guess I wouldn’t punch Buzz even if, youknow, he doesn’t beat women.

That hug at the end of Christmas Special really got me because Neil is smiling the whole time but Max is genuinely surprised and only lets himself smile fondly looking away at later point. My? Heart? CC apparently decided I don’t need it?

Also some thoughts about next season(s) and general stuff:

Maxnot being annoyed by David in S2 as much as he was in S1 was rathersubtle, but noticeable change. I’m guessing David’s attitude towardsMax will change as well, he’ll stop trying to make him happy byinsisting he should be and will go for more natural approach. Youcan’t fight pessimism with optimism, you fight it by being there forpeople. And with pizza, there’s always pizza.

Jasperis going to be major plot point. Ghost of the boy who knew David as akid stuck on the island and apparently no one knows where his bodyis? Let the child rest. The only thing I’m not sure about if theheroes will learn the truth, if David will even get to meet Jasper,or will they solve the problem by accident. Maybe a mix of bothbecause knowing this show it’s possible.

Ilove observing body language in this show, everyone has their thing;Max is guarded and spends most of the time with hands hidden inhoodie pocket, Gwen is usually tired and Done, David just moves with his whole body “Well theeeeeen kids” *hands on hips and sways around* 

I like how kids, while not a unit as it once was, wear yellow shirts, just with their personal additions. They are still campers and they are in this together.

Igot really used to Voltron treating its characters with respect (yesthey do treat them with respect fight me @vld fandom) but with Camp Camp Ikind of knew it’s a comedy show, I didn’t expect much. And I waspleasantly surprised with the care they have for show’s characterseven if it’s not perfect – but, again, it’s primarily a comedy witha lot of dark humor.

Woodscouts trio has a kid with an eyepatch, Flower Scouts trio has kid with an eyepatch - show, please, leave my main children alone.

Learninga theme song in its entirety is a new goal for me. Wish me luck.