#i chose tumblr over therapy

[tanpoponohana]

lately I cry all the time. I dread going back to what was once my favourite place. I dread seeing the people that mean the world to me. I dread the feeling of loneliness, and still that’s all i’ve been feeling. I procrastinate being left alone with my thoughts by working on exams, assignments; everything I would postpone just to spend more time with the people I love and the things I enjoy.

[wantitmore]

.

[bludermaus]

Another Emperor Post for you all

First of all, just forgive me for not being good at elaboration my opinions, but here we go:

I think another reason people dislike The Emperor is because they have this incessant need to be friends with everybody if they're doing a "good run", and if you're not friendly to the player then you're deserving of no mercy, nuance and greyness be damned

We see that on how people shit on Wulbren. Like, I don't like the guy that much, but I can see the nuance of someone that was maybe a nice person and became so full of bitterness that they start lashing against others and going to extreme measures to do what they *think* is right. It's not elaborated why and we can speculate forever, but if you save Wulbren and Barcus is dead he's far far nicer to you, so people might be extra pissy about him just because Barcus is a sweetie, so by consequence Wulbren is the worst for not being nice to him

Another example is Lae'zel. I love her, but how many times have we seen people saying that they hate her or left her in the camp not bothering with learning about her because she's initially very standoffish? Just because she's not friendly enough, she's not hugging you from the get-go and saying niceties, not worshipping the ground you step on immediately? Sure, she can become friendly and even an actual friend to you later, but that's not supposed to be a requirement for someone to be liked

And then we have The Emperor. Manipulation and ommission of information is not a friendly thing to do, so automatically evil, how dare he! Except that... He's not your friend and he doesn't (initially) want to be, he's an ally by necessity (and let's be honest, every companion there is working together just by necessity. For example: Pre-tadpole Wyll and Astarion would probably have killed each other in different circumstances) and he's interested in your success in the mission, nothing more or less. And let's be honest, considering that he didn't even want to be in this situation in the first place, he's actually very friendly and nice to you, manipulations aside... Manipulations by the way to make you save the world/yourself, which you'd have wanted to do anyway he just helped point you in the right way and guide you to get there faster

But in the end you can genuinely have a friendship with him, it's just that people disregard his feelings because of some sort of idealized idea of friendship where you must be huggy huggy and message each other daily. I am great friends with someone with whom I haven't talked to in like 3-4 months... Does that mean we're not good friends? We don't message each other enough? To me The Emperor would be this kind of friend and that's okay, you'll visit him like once or twice a year, have some conversation and then leave, maybe write letters every now and then, you both value each other's life and that's it, friendship acquired

This accidentally became a post about how his feelings are genuine >:c He doesn't strike me as the "master manipulator" like haters make him out to be, The Emperor is a business nerd with zero social skills who needs therapy and my Tav can fix him, I sincerely believe that if you've been friendly to him the whole game he is genuine when at the end of the game he says he'll miss you... You're one of the only non-illithid to have not treated him like shit and didn't betray him and chose someone else's life over his when you had the chance, you accepted him for what he is and was nice/professional about it. And if you've become a Mind Flayer then obviously he's elated that he's gonna have a buddy to talk to, someone of his own new race who would understand him the best in a way others wouldn't

Okay rambling over, feel free to continue scrolling Tumblr uwu

[darlenicy]

I got tagged by @rosie-love98 on this:

Tag 9 People you want to get to know better

Thank you and sorry, that it took me so long!

3 ships:

Okay, since I’m tagged on this tumblr account I’ll first go with WINX of course.

1. Driven (Darcy x Riven - Winx Club)

I’ll say it over and over again – they’re perfect. THE POTENTIAL: OMG: If Rainbow had be braver and didn’t focus SO much on Bloom, they could’ve added such an angsty storyline. They build the grounding but never made it to detail and that’s a shame. I may repeat myself, but Darcy was the first one to listen to Riven. To really listen and maybe even the first person after a long time to actually care for him. Of course, she is beautiful and she used that beauty to enchant him but what mattered in the end was that Riven finally found someone who was really interested in him. Someone who saw his ambition and talent. Someone who didn’t see the sparkly outside of perfect Sky and Brandon but who saw this man, who I bet went trough a lot to achieve the right to study at Red Fountain. Finally, someone interested in the one who trained hard to be where was and who wasn’t privileged like other people. Another thing I love about them is the trust and faith Riven had in Darcy who.. in the end destroyed that YES THANKS RAINBOW.  I mean, he never questioned her even though he knew that the Trix’ plans were evil. He did not care about that. Only for her. The betrayal must have been hard. But what about Darcy? How did she feel? Well, we never saw it but regarding her character she might be an overthinker who thinks everything through, who is afraid to show her true self. Darcy seems to be the one who is afraid of losing control and of being betrayed herself. So better destroy than get destroyed? I’m sure she opened up to Riven to some extend and got caught by her own fear of losing control and then overreacted. Maybe. Who know. But the thing is that their end came completely out of the nowhere and I wished the writers had focused a bit more on that instrad of making a cut so that another fairy had a love interest by the end of season 1. It also should have been more focus on their relationship in the following seasons. (I miss the longing stares omg. We could have so much angsty drama!) I think the end of the relationship was not easy for both of them. Darcy lost everything at the end of season 1 and I’m sure she questioned herself a lot after it. Like, what would have happened if etc. And Riven, even more broken than before. What did he think? It’s no secret, that most characters in this show need therapy but these two? Couple therapy maybe lol (now this was long, but that’s when I talk about ships haha)

2. Brella (Brandon and Stella - Winx Club)

I don’t really talk about the fairies here, but I love Brella. They are such a healthy and dynamic couple. Even as a kid I noticed how harmonic and devoted. I loved, that they got so much attention in the show and that they were the harmonic couple and not Sky and Bloom. They had the storyline in s1 I which Brandon disguised as Prince Sky and lied to her. He was afraid, that Stella would only like him as a prince. And yes, Stella might look superficial at first glance but in fact she is not. And I think she showed a lot of strength in forgiving Brandon who lied to her for a long time. She made no big deal of it even though she is a princess who could have easily married or dated a prince. But she chose Brandon. Then there is the Downland arc at the beginning of season 2 and it wouldn’t have worked with another couple. As I said, they are devoted to each other. Stella fkn jumped after him into that abyss without a second thought? Luckily they survived but then Amentia shows up and Stella almost dies because there is no sunlight in Downland. So to save her life, Brandon agrees to marry Amentia who then agrees to let Stella go. I could fangirl over this arc a lot but I won’t because it already gets too long here. Then s3 in which Stella thinks that it might be just her beauty which Brandon loves (which doesn’t make sense after what they went through) but I think the problem Stella has, is that she was always judged by her looks. She was raised to be a perfect princess and let’s face it, before she met Bloom and the Winx, she had no real friends. However back to the show, Brandon knew that Stella was transformed into that Monster but he did not care. Of course not. He was trying to help her no matter what, just to see her happy again. I won’t focus on the later seasons, because they might still have their cute moments there but after all there was too much beef going on between all the couples and I don’t consider these superficial seasons as canon so I’ll stop here. But Brella is chef’s kiss. The best Winx couple followed by Tecna and Timmy and no one can convince me otherwise.

3. Ethel Hallow x Nick Hobbes - Weirdsister College (Do they have a shipping name?)

Since it was rosie, who tagged me I think I have to take a ship which has nothing to do with Winx but which goes more in the direction of Harry Potter and The Worst Witch. And that is an easy one: Ethel Hallow x Nick Hobbes. OMG the potential, the POTENTIAL! Same as driven, they have so much unused potential even though they were on the best way to build an angsty couple with trust issues and all the drama my fangirl heart needs. I love how Nick noticed right away, that Ethel resembled him. She always played the nice and hardworking students but we all know that she was a devious bitch who used every opportunity to make Mildred look bad. And from her perspective, she did nothing wrong. It was always Mildred who stole the show by breaking the rules and being at school but was in the end the good girl who was appreciated. She always played by the rules (yeah not always but she tried her best) and was ambitious and just wanted to be the number one student, yet who interfered? Always Mildred. It’s no wonder she tried everything to get rid of her. Ethel just wanted a happy school life without interruptions. So she wasn’t innocent at all and Nick knew that. In the first episode of Weirdsister College, he immediately checked that he AND Ethel would not have a chance of passing the all-seeing-eye. He tricked Mildred so that she helped him and used that for him and Ethel to pass the ceremony. He’s the typical bad boy who took advantage of Mildred’s talent and gosh, I wished they hadn’t followed this weird storyline he has with Mildred. Because everything was already there with Ehtel: Both students who tried their best to become the top of the class, both power-driven and both unsure in the end. They have so much in common. And Ethel is, after all, the good girl who fell for the bad boy and she KNOWS that he’s doubtful. She does not trust him but is still fascinated by him. And I just love that trope, okay? Ehtel also gives me hardcore rl Darcy vibes and not, it’s not just because they have the same voice actress I Germany. They’re the dark edgy couple I live for. There could have been done so much if they gave us a second season…..It looked like they were giving up on the Mildred/Nick storyline by episode 9 which was again one big flirt of Ethel and Nick. (The potential!) This is why I hate the way they went on the last episode where it’s like “It’s only you who can save him, Mildred” bullshit. I’m doomed for loving couples the writers seem to hate. I could write an essay about them and I probably will on @yaviae somewhen.

Look at them! Ethel's side eye <3

Last song:

Seventeen by Marina

Last Movie:

Crimson Peak (And again I love the doomed couple: Lucille and Thomas, omg my loves)

Currently reading:

Schneewittchens dunkler Kuss (Snow White’s dark Kiss) by Stefanie Lasthaus

Currently watching:

World of Winx season 1

Currently drinking:

Just finished my tea (fennel <3)

Currently craving:

Inspiration! It’s Sunday and that means it’s my ff write day but I haven’t written anything. I’m so tired this weekend..

And I tag: @wtfastaroth @witch-cauany @aurora-of-the-fairies @cerisia76 @stellasolaris @alex-cold17 @no-white-dress @d-arcyky and of course @evdizav

[fullt4nk]

come to me (shuri x reader)

heyyyyy!! this is the second book i’m writing on tumblr and what did I chose? pain.

warnings: angst, tears, mental health issues, self harm (it doesn’t go too in depth, just a small remark), reader is fluent in xhosa, I think that’s all

translations: ukhathazwa yintoni sithandwa sam?: what troubles you my love? ndicela undiyeke: please leave me alone, sithandwa sam, mandikuncede: my love, let me help you, yonke into izakulunga: everything will be alright

shuri has not left the lab in two days. two consecutive days. naturally, that worries me; my wife of four years has been cooped up in a lab for days without a little as a text. she hasn’t even come to eat breakfast. as a matter of fact, she hasn’t come down to eat at all…

I make my way down to her lab and begin knocking on the door. “shuri!” now, I know shuri isn’t a fan of being yelled at, but this was starting to be too much for me to look past. she hasn’t uttered a word to me or anyone else for far too long.

“shuri, ukhathazwa yintoni sithandwa sam? please come out; we can talk about this!” I knew she was troubled. she only got like this when something was on her mind. we’ve talked about healthier ways of expressing emotions in a therapy session we did a while ago, and I thought she was doing pretty well in communicating with me more efficiently. I suppose i’ve been mistaken

“I just need to be alone. i’m fine,” she said softly through the door. that was not the voice of shuri when she was doing “fine.” she sounded crippled and weak. something was paining her deep within her heart; I can feel it.

“then why haven’t I seen you? you have not come to bed in 2 days shuri, I want to see you face to face,” I demanded. my heart swelled with hurt from my wife’s distance. I know she’s been through a lot, but I wanted to be there for her. “i’ll give you 30 seconds to open this door before I get Okoye to break it down. I am not joking with you ohh!”

“ndicwela undiyeke, please I don’t want to talk now,” she was crying. I can hear it in the way her voice cracks and wavers. my mouth fell slightly agape; i’ve seen shuri cry many times, and i’ve seen her at her lowest, so why was she shutting me out?

“sithandwa sam, mandikuncede! i love you more than life itself, and it pains me to see you like this. open this door, and we can talk out whatever is bothering you!” I want nothing more than for shuri to be happy. she has been through too much, yet she still keeps a brave face on for the rest of Wakanda to see. but I am not Wakanda. I am her wife. the person she should reside in when she feels too many emotions to handle on her own.

I call out, “shuri?” and am met with silence. was she ok? what was she doing in there? what is she feeling? what is she thinking? “shuri, please, you know I worry about you!” still, nothing but silence.

“shuri! I am not joking with you, please don’t let me get Okoye!” my eyebrows furrow in worry as I hear a loud thump coming from the other side of the door, as well as a quiet sob.

“I don’t know how much longer I can do this for y/n. i’m so tired, and my heart aches. I can’t stop thinking about her. she’s all I see when I close my eyes, she’s watching over me, and I feel like nothing but a disappointment.” all I hear is pure grief and pain in my wife’s voice.

hearing her confession pains me as i know exactly what she is talking about. she has never talked about her mother's death, mainly concentrating on T’challa. still, there was a whole sheet of grief and pain that needed to be uncovered for shuri to heal fully.

shuri regrets her last words to her mother deeply. for bast sake, she had said them over the phone. shuri replays her words in her head constantly, constantly thinking about what she could have said differently, how stubborn she was, how selfish she was; would her mother still be alive had she just listened to what she said? shuri felt unworthy even to speak her mother's name because had shuri just listened and stopped acting like a child, her mother would be here to guide her, to love her, to tell her “yonke into izakulunga,” and that she loved her.

“shuri, open this door,” I say firmly but softly. the door cracks open, and I take that as an invitation to walk in. what I see next feels like a bullet to my chest.

shuri is on the floor curled up in a ball with fresh tears running down her face, heavy breathing, disheveled hair, and broken sobs flowing out her mouth. she has a small bruise on her left ankle, and it looks like a burn mark.

I drop down to where she sat and pull her into my chest. “oh, shuri,” is all I can say after seeing her in this state. my mind can’t manage to say anything else, and my heart is shattered. I want to tell her not to blame herself, that her mother loves her and is watching over her with pride, that everything will be ok, but for now, i sit and hold shuri in silence as she sobs against me.

WHEWWWW CHILE

i’m sorry y’all today was a bad day and I felt like writing smth short and sad.

normally I hate writing/reading sad shit so if this sucks lmk 🤭

ugh I listened to love in the dark by adele while writing this.. and I couldn’t stop crying

[nightqueen1221]

So so nervous! I've read your rules over and over again and idk why I'm so shy lol this is my first time ever sending in a request in my entire tumblr days. Anyways, umm can i have...some hcs with Korekiyo (we'll just say reader made him realize it was all manipulation and abv$e) and uhh maybee..some kokichi x a nezuko like reader? She has the same attacks and bamboo i guess I'm sososo sorry if i broke a rule aAA

No don't worry you didn't break a rule dear, it's alright. I just happy someone read my rules lol.

(Yes this was the best picture I could find of then together.)

Korekiyo Shinguji

-When he first met you, he had a lot of questions.

-He will be respectful of your boundaries and ask questions he feels like wouldn't offend you.

-It's a bit difficult to communicate due to you being mute.

-However, he studies humans and learns easily what you mean to say with your pointing and body language.

-One of the many reasons he fell for you was because you were quite.

-Of course he would love to talk to someone and adores doing so, it's more of that fact that you're not being annoying like someone.*cough cough, Kokichi, cough*

-He'll never pester you about wearing bamboo, he is quite well acquainted with people asking about his mask.

-He is greatful of you, truly, he is.

-When you helped him realize his sister was harming him and using guilt to make him do what she wanted. He thought you would push him away.

-However you stayed, helped him get much needed therapy, and did everything in your power to make sure he recovered.

-Speaking of power, your physical and Blood Demon Art is all in all something of beauty.

-Due to your small body and kind nature, it was shocking to say the least.

-"kehehe, my love, you truly are a walking being of beauty and surprises."

Kokichi Oma

-"HEY! WHY ARE YOU WEARING BAMBOO OVER YOUR MOUTH?!?!"

-Dude ain't got no chill or filter.

-He than gets mad that he doesn't get a clear response since, you. can't. speak.

-However this relationship works really well since you're basically Nezuko and he's... your Zenitsu.

-"Y/N CHANNNN~~!"

-He's tried to run up behind you and take your bamboo off.

-...That's when he first sees any of your Blood Demon Art.

-He got a little cut from it, but you still felt terrible for harming him.

-"WAHHHHH, Y/N CHAN HURT ME!"

-He just clings to you constantly.

-Just carry a broom around so you can shoo him off your leg.

-He talks all big and bad about himself, than ends up hiding behind your leg when they threaten him.

-"Come on Kokichi! You can't just hide behind Y/N every time you can't keep a promise! Come out and fight like a real man!"

-"Kaito's just jealous I have a strong girlfriend to protect me. And my organization over 10,000 members from all over the world!"

-Kaito is someone who's, incredibly confused. Why him, out of everyone. You're so kind and caring, yet you chose the man who manipulates others into doing his biddings.

-He honestly thought Kokichi was blackmailing you into being his partner.

-And while Kokichi does like the power you hold, he still cares for you as his girlfriend.

[jeeyuns]

Hello! I’m really excited about your parallel universes WIP and need to watch everything everywhere. It’s been on my list for over a year. I was just wondering if you have fic recs for a related topic: time travel and time loops? For Buddie. Thank you. x

omg thank youuuu parallel universes are my JAM. i hate that i even put up that poll. now everyone chose laundry and taxes and i have to commit to writing this epic alongside bethlehem arghughg hghg ghhh. yes pleaseeee watch eeaao. i'm gonna try to make it make sense without having watched it but it's SUCH a good movie. watch it when you can and in the mood for a mind fuck

i LOVEEEE time loops and time travel! for buddie? ohhhh i GOT you:

burn the straw house down by @hoediaz

(buck gets stuck in time, has a break down and then, relatedly, a break through)

this might have been the second one i read ever with a time loop theme in the 911 fandom and oh boyyyy the emotions! you feel like you're going THROUGH it with buck, you're right there with him. and the breathless payoff at the end. YUMMM. love love LOVEEEE the reason given on how to break the time loop

Evan Buckley & The Coma-Verse of Madness by @cal-daisies-and-briars

(After being struck by lightning on a call, Buck experiences a plethora of alternate realities showing him different directions his life could have taken.)

soooo i also have to sneak in another parallel universes rec because this one is GOLD. it's more along the lines of Marvel's Dr. Strange and the book 'The Midnight Library by Matt Haig.' and it was just STUNNING. buck pov with moments ranging from confusion to bittersweet happiness to utter despair. the ending was mwah, mwah, chef's KISS. ughhh i love cal. wish they had a tumblr. i'll just scream in their ao3 comments it's ok. i'm ok i'm ok (THEY NOW HAVE A TUMBLR LET'S GOOOOOOO)

tomorrow will always and forever now be today (tomorrow is our always and forever) by @anxieteandbiscuits

(eddie gets trapped in a time loop on the day buck marries natalia)

sami is a MASTER at making you scream into your pillow at these two lovable idiots. and boyyyy did i want to just smash their faces together and make them work it out (sorry natalia babe) loosely inspired by the 'Palm Springs' time loop movie. it was just sooooo you HAVE TO have a box of tissues with you. she will eviscerate your heart with her words and MAKE you feel what eddie is going through UGHHHHHH

Benign Fatality by @ardenetoile

(Buck repeats days until he doesn't die in them, has an underdeveloped sense of self worth, and Eddie is the one who wants to step in with him.)

what a fantastic take on time loops! buck only repeats days when he's died. so there could be strings of days/weeks/months where he lives life like normal. and eddie gets brought into it at some point, or more like he shoulders his way in because it's EDDIE and he cares. ending was amazing too, author made it truly make sense! i am so intrigued about the background on buck's ability!

Being Eddie by @cal-daisies-and-briars

(When Eddie starts seeing a new therapist, he’s presented with the opportunity to revisit several days from his past and right regrets that still bother him.)

so this is my one time travel rec in this fandom. eddie goes through the time travel therapy process of the show 'Being Erica' and BOYYYYY does he. it's currently a WIP and i'm about to read ch16 of 20. Cal is fabulous with making you feel for every aspect of a character. they moved from the prior story of buck pov to this eddie pov with flawless precision and godddd i don't know what it is about their words. they are IMPACTFUL. i read a chapter and have to lean back and think through my feelings, like I'M getting therapized. what the fuck??????????????

the persistence of memory by @anxieteandbiscuits

(Buck gets shot, Eddie has to keep reliving the day until he can figure out what the universe is trying to tell him)

last but DEFINITELY not least is this one, my love. if i can imprint this on my heart, blood and papercuts and ripped out ribs and all, i WOULD. i will never have enough time or breath to speak on this fic. it was one of the first 3 fics i read in this fandom. and FUCKKKK did sami pull me in. i think i wasn't even caught up with the show but it DOESN'T matter. she set it after s4 and eddie goes throughhhh it on time loops. the beautiful prose, the sweeping emotions from eddie to buck. the 118 firefam ensemble comedy. the LOVE CONFESSIONS???? multiple????? each one made me teary and one made me outright cry. they were all different and they were all perfect on every iteration of the worst day of eddie's life. i sometimes turn over my pillow at 3 am and get a visceral flash of buck's shocked and bloody face when REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED and have to take a deep breath and rub my chest because sami did it AGAIN and my brain just likes me to remember these moments i've read and scanned into my brain apparently to play on loop

ANYWAY i got really excited. happy reading anon! thank you for letting me rant about the top 6 fics with these themes off the top of my head. <333

[curlytemple]

tag 9 people you’d like to get to know better

i was tagged by @significationary who absolutely already knows everything about me but let’s go

1. 3 ships: beronica+jarchie forever, and Big Destiel which has taken over my brain despite the fact that i have not yet watched spn

2. first ever ship: if i’m being honest my first tumblr era ship was sterek but i wasn’t about to let anyone call me a perverted freak on the perverted freak website

3. last song: i’ve been listening to the store radio at work all day but the last song i chose to listen to was when i was driving home yesterday peacefully singing along to troye sivan’s angel baby thinking about destiel again and then a squirrel darted out from a pile of leaves and i accidentally took an innocent life for the first time. harrowing.

4. last movie: watched jennifer lawrence in NO HARD FEELINGS with my brother and it was actually not really what i expected from the trailer and has a very sweet ending.

5. currently reading: THE gomens demon therapy fic sequel ANGEL in therapy that hurts me so good. also my sister convinced me to read soccer lesbian booktok rec “cleat cute” and it’s pretty bad ❤️

6. currently watching: riverdale rewatch with ANNA. and i started pretty little liars (still mad nobody told me how much dyke drama this show has) also selling sunset is back!! i love evil real estate barbies.

7. currently consuming: water and spearmint vape. hush.

8. currently craving: sweet relief of death

i know anna tagged me because i have the soul of a prolific poster but i lack the constitution to get silly with you all. she said: make an effort 🔪

so hiiiii newer mutuals hello @anarcha-queer-horror @wellwaterhysteria @gay-archie @tallahasseemp3 @eastvillages

+ older mutuals i always love to see on my dash @nicolegendary @mightyoreo @dumbestdyke @wimbledon2008

[augujerdeer]

just read a post about how fictional characters are objects (true) so its not possible to disrespect or objectify them (i understand that)

and someone responded with “but how you treat them can say something about your character”

and then everyone disagreeing with them

TBH I think that anyone can do anything they want about a character? But I think what the responder said that no one is understanding, is that if for example you are so absolutely rude to minority and oppressed charcters in specific contexts, it CAN SAY SOMETHING about your character. Maybe it doesn’t, but it CAN, and that is the important difference. Like in therapy, you have to ask yourself why

for example Quinni from Heartbreak high is autistic. if people made posts expressing their hatred of her even though shes a loved autistic rep to most, thats WEIRD and should say something about your character at least to chose who see themselves in her and are also autistic

what people do with fictional characters dont matter. BUT we cannot LIVE in a black and white world where fiction is not affected by reality. That is naive. We influence, or the world influences, how we interact with fiction.

should i bring up 13 reasons why again? do you all forget to fulfill your fantasy world of fiction doesnt affect realizing?

there are nuances and contexts. Like how some people use fiction as a coping mechanism, or it’s purely just an interest. We should fight the purity culture, that villainizes people who like or create dark media, but it doesn’t mean that we should allow it when people have a PATTERN of weird behavior TOWARDS fictional characters- this is NOT about creating said characters. That post is about how you react to such characters

oppressed people and minorities WILL USE how you treat fictional characters that have their traits, as a way to to judge if you are a SAFE PERSON TO BE AROUND WITH.

Do them in your own house, but arguing that it literally doesnt matter, is speaking over every person of the 8 billion people in the world, on how to navigate who is safe to be with or not in our daily living

if i, a southeast asian person met someone who tends to dig an asian characters and mock them, id feel unsafe. if i met someone who was into young 8 yr old anime girls “who are actually 3000 years old”, i would feel unsafe.

of course we need to allow people to LOVE villains too (for example enjoying the Joker, who is a murderer and manipulator is fun for a lot of people), but we NEED to understand when some people use some factors in specific cases to keep themselves safe, and not accidentally befriend a neonazi like with how some characters tend to be loved by specific groups of people.

its not about tumblr culture, its about how people navigate the world and its not their fault if they find you unsafe. and if you want to keep liking something, IGNORE everyone else. as your right.

[youdontknowhowtodiequietly]

so this prompt has been stuck in my head for EVER and it's probably gonna need to be a long fic but it could be shortened

whatever(sorry). so aaron minyard POV he's been slightly relapsing but it's just over the counter stuff and katelyn breaks up with him around the time she found out but they also been having issues lately and then him and kevin get closer when kevin finds him doing drugs in the bathroom at edens and he's about to be taken advantage of but "it's nothing that's never happened before" (Yes kevaaron or just single aaron platonic friendship with kevin) and YO I love nicky bring a comforting cousin like i need that for aaron and some andrew and Aaron therapy moments/bonding brotherly moments (sorry again)

fall in love with a girl (4899 words) by crazy_stupid_potato Chapters: 3/3 Fandom: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic Rating: General Audiences Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Katelyn/Aaron Minyard, Aaron Minyard & Andrew Minyard, Nicky Hemmick & Aaron Minyard, Kevin Day & Aaron Minyard, Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard, but only in the background, Kevin Day/Aaron Minyard Characters: Aaron Minyard, Katelyn (All For The Game), Andrew Minyard, Kevin Day, Nicky Hemmick, Neil Josten, Original Male Character(s) Additional Tags: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Wholesome Twinyards, Healing, Drug Use, Drug Abuse, Hurt/Comfort, Spoliers, there WILL be kevaaron in this fic, that is a threat - Freeform Summary: An Anon Tumblr request. Aaron and Katelyn have issues - Aaron has relapsed - Shit goes down at Eden's, and Andrew is nice, for once. (Title form loml Cavetown's new album songs.)

Here you go bub! I did not expect to get this out the day after I said you'd probably be waiting a while for it, but fuck if I am not a reliable person lmao!

Anyway, I hope you enjoy it!

[choboss]

hey hi hello there! i'm lu (she/her) and this is miss cho ayoung, braveheart's manager. i'm trying hard to get better at making my formatting and information more pleasing and neat to look at (not to sound like a boomer lmao). i've been out of the tumblr game too long. anyhoo, please hit the tiny heart to the right if you'd like to plot! i'll put some info about her under the break! things are a bit all over the place while i get settled so bear with me!

{ lu, 21+, cst, she/her } —— look who’s joining the infinite tour! only cho ayoung, who is the braveheart's manager. i’ve heard whispers that the 27 year old is pretty motherly but lowkey neurotic also, doesn’t she remind you of han sohee?

╭ ×  ayoung is the youngest daughter of a musical family. her mom is a b list musical stage actor, her father a big time producer for girl groups. her sister is in an idol group currently as well. ( am looking for this sister with a fc of shin ryujin if anyone is interested )

╭ ×  they both wish she had gone a different route or at least finished high school but she chose to drop out of SOPA to focus full time on being an idol.

╭ ×  the two had a hard time saying no to either of the daughters so both got their way and became idols.

╭ ×  ayoung wasn't a favorite of other trainees as she was seen as a nepotism baby and, to be truthful, she was.

╭ × but she stuck out the competition and debuted in ILUVU under the stage name amor as their leader and main dancer.

╭ ×  had a decent fandom and had just had a hit break out with the song Step when the girls had a wreck, breaking ayoung's pelvis and hip. the other girls also had several injuries and spent days to months in the hospital.

╭ × two of the fives members had the money to buyout and cancel their contracts, ayoung being one of them. the other three agreed they no longer wanted to pursue idol life under their company and ILUVU silently disbanded.

╭ × she needed multiple surgeries and physical therapy to walk again. she still walks with a limp and when the weather is bad, it's especially noticeable.

╭ ×  due to never finishing high school, her job prospects weren't so great but a former manager of ILUVU pulled strings and got ayoung a job as a manager for braveheart.

╭ ×  due to having prior idol life experience and knowing the ins and outs of idol life, she's become a very protective figure in braveheart member's lives.

more tba!

[lovelyleobrie]

Hi, I'm Brie, and I'm dramatic

Twelve years after I created my original Tumblr account, here I am again.

That account, though loved and appreciated for over a decade, had to be scrubbed after posting my first viral video on Tiktok, where I painfully exposed the trauma of my fourteen-year-old self. In the blink of an eye, people from all over the world wanted information, details that I chose to withhold to protect my inner teen. I not only didn't want to share intimate and personal elements of incredibly traumatic experiences, but I didn't want the world to know who my fourteen-year-old self was at all. Those who were willing to scour the internet hard enough to meet her didn't deserve to.

I love Tiktok and all of the support and relationships I have gained from it. Unless the app goes dark, you will always be able to find me there. However, I miss this place where my teenage self sat up late at night, endlessly scrolling on an overheating laptop to the sound of my sobs while I reblogged photos glorifying the horrors of my own existence. A piece of me still craves having that deeply personal, terrifyingly public online diary that she kept, proclaiming she was "drowning on dry land."

This blog is going to be a combination of personal experiences, random thoughts, my trauma therapy journey, life as an autistic person, and perhaps some writing prompts to pass the time. Tiktok is a place I go to find happiness, but Tumblr is a place I can feel all of my emotions openly, so expect unnecessarily dramatic, sometimes moving, essay-like glimpses into my world.

[tscritical]

When DWIT thoughts came out. I was graduating my sophomore year of high school. I am now a sophomore in COLLEGE. I remember talking to my therapist in detail about the redux episode over online therapy in July of thr first wave of the pandemic. And since then, what have we really got? I feel bad bitching about this because the one friend I tried to talk about it was like 'content creators don't owe people anything'. Except. They kinda do if people are literally paying them via patreon? And it's the main thing you're known for? And you give us nothing in between?

Idk, part of me just wants closure. That's why I fucking hate what's happening to the dsmp right now. I left Sanders Sides for the DreamSMP and honestly, I don't regret it. But Dream and Thomas have something in common. Taking an amazing, unique series. And never giving the fans proper closure. Granted Dream is worse than Thomas because he's an actual groomer, but the situation with the finale and dsmp season 2, which I won't be watching, felt all too familiar.

If Thomas wants to stop doing Sanders Sides, or even can't, he should TELL US. He should tell us no more content us coming. That he's sorry, but without Joan(I hope I spelled their name right) he can't continue. Apologize, but step away. At least we'd have an answer!

I'm sorry for rambling in your ask box. You just seem to be the only person actually talking about this. I've unfollowed most Sanders Sides account, deleted all the fanart off my phone, stopped roleplaying. But I met my best friend, my WIFE through Sanders Sides on tumblr! I named myself after a character! I sent that ask (the one about being named Patton) when I was half asleep and a little delusional after studying all night.

I wish I had waited till I was into MCYT to name myself. I fucking realized I was trabs because of Thomas. If I had the Dsmp, or Hermitcraft, I'm pretty sure my name would be Wilbur, or Ren. But I chose Patton. And the guy who helped me chose my name, is kind of a dick.

literally i don’t understand how people can say “thomas doesn’t owe us anything” as if there aren’t people literally putting money directly in his pockets via patreon so that we can have content. MAKE IT MAKE SENSE.

idk anything about dsmp other than what ive gleaned from mutuals’ posts, but i believe u lol (im more of a hermits kinda guy, particularly smajor, goodtimeswithscar, and LDShadowLady) (really hope nothing comes out about those three or i might quit the internet /hj)

and yeah thomas needs to be upfront about the behind the scenes shit (which is why im glad he posted that video recently!!! even if i feel like the details are still… somewhat vague… but he’s trying i guess?)

im sorry everything’s turned sour for you patton </3 i get it, believe me i get it

let’s just hope that things improve at least somewhat 🤞🏻

[spikeinthepunch]

Well, I didn't expect to be sitting down an deciding to write a lengthy personal post about the app, Vent. But its shutting down for good in literally two days. If this was any other situation where it slowly just became inactive but stayed up, I wouldn't mention it. But an app shutting down for good is a big deal, and I'll cross my fingers that I get sent the data I requested.

Vent is an app I feel like everyone seems to be aware of but left and forgot after its boom in 2016-2017. no one really says that they use it, most left it after that period. its pretty well known for weird and absurd kin posts and drama and other nonsense. having been on it since it launched, i saw... so much. so so much.

Having gotten to it around age 16, that app houses a huge amount of personal posts I made on an app I considered the best place to dump some of the most private, venty things. Boy does it catalogue a huge series of development and mental growth. And above all stands as a lesson to myself on how to manage such personal things around others online. What is to be said isn't me forcing a lesson on the reader, but just expressing what I learned- because in those teenage years it was easy to want to have all my online friends involved in seeing my vent posts. That Age on tumblr, that culture around validation and mental illness- I wanted validation and post interactions. I vented a lot, teen years sucked- this seemed fine to do from my unaware mind but it caused so much tension, stress, and drama in my closest relationships that I still wish hadnt occurred- but can accept that behavior years later... i was just a teen, it wasn't surprising. Getting your bestest friends in a private closed circle of venting is not as good of an idea as you'd want it to be, to say the least. Especially when you're teens and dont have therapy.

But that is to say- Vent became its best to me when I closed it off entirely to everyone except for one good mutual I had gained purely through Vent, and eventually one key IRL friend. Me, two other people. That was it. It turned into a diary for years after I chose to do that and it had been very useful for me. One or two people I didn't mind getting a glimpse into things, especially after i matured and learned to...better control and understand how to vent in a healthier way. It was somewhere I went to maybe once a month, maybe less frequently, to just... throw out a huge post documenting my feelings and important thoughts from the last many weeks. Great big summaries I'd have no energy to split up into a priv twitter thread, or post on public blogs.

Growth. So so much growth. So much in all those posts and all that time. Almost 8 years of my incredibly personal thoughts sit on that app and it sucks knowing that place will be gone for good. There could be a miracle but it seems unlikely.

For those never on the app, or stopped using it ages back- Vent has been a mess for a long time. It has gone through various changes in hopes of keeping it alive- for years its just been all over the place. It barely functions most times. It's been limping for years now and it was always a joke to me that it hadn't gone down yet. It seemed inevitable- and here we are! Gone on the 28th of Feb, and it was only stated a few days ago. And theyd been promising they had an alternative..

Losing things like this sucks, because it is a part of the internet. People love to say nothing truly goes away on the internet- and thats just not true. Time and time again we lose apps and websites with no backups or way to view them reliably. Newer age technology makes this especially harder to preserve. While I and others have requested our data, there will be hundreds if not thousands of accounts left to vanish after Vent shuts down, especially given the incredibly short notice.

So, RIP Vent, you were already dead for some years anyways. But I appreciate what I made of it and its a shame I can't think of any place where I could keep this kind of diary up still.

[vikensbrainrot]

To you, a year ago

Tags: Choi Beomgyu-centric; implied Choi Beomgyu/Hwang Hyunjin; implied Choi Beomgyu/Choi Yeonjun; best friends Beomgyu & Taehyun; brothers Beomgyu & Jungwon; other idols mentioned; mentions of alcohol; bipolar Beomgyu; suicidal thoughts; suicide attempt; heavy angst.

Summary: Beomgyu had the worst experience of his year at last night's party. Now it was Monday, and he locked himself in his room. Depressed, he doesn't see any way out, unless...

A/N: This fic is actually a flashback chapter from a story I am posting on Ao3. In the original story, Beomgyu only meets Yeonjun a year later, and the person portrayed here as Yeonjun is someone else. I just changed the names because no one here in Tumblr knows about the original. If you want to check, just click here.

Also, this chapter is essentially the main character attempting suicide. If you feel triggered by this topic, DON'T READ IT.

If you are dealing with any mental disorder, as I am, I want to say that there is a way out. This is basically my story. And one year later I am the best version of myself. I go to therapy, I take my meds, and I do my best. Death is not the way out, although it may feel like it, there will always be something that will make it worth living. Beomgyu makes my life bearable. That's why I chose him to represent myself in my stories.

June 28th, 2021

It was a sunny Monday, but the windows in Beomgyu's room were fully shut. Beomgyu had a terrible headache due to the alcohol he consumed this weekend. 'listen before I go' by Billie Eilish played in the background, and memories of last night flashed in the boy's mind. 

Seeing Hyunjin after so long. 

Talking to him by the stairs. 

The hope of a friendship that could flourish between them after all that happened. 

Ryujin's serious, judgmental face when she said, "Can you guys leave? Yeji wants to go home". 

That terrible feeling in Beomgyu's gut. But we weren't even doing anything...  

Hyunjin got up, "I'll take care of it. She's my ex. I know how to deal with her". 

Yeji yelled in the kitchen. 

The tears came pouring down Beomgyu's face, the guilt he felt for causing trouble again. He knew everyone at the party probably thought they were fucking. It was Beomgyu and Hyunjin, after all. They always fucked. 

He remembers the soothing voices of Taehyun and Heeseung calming him. And even Hueningkai, who he met that day.  

Then a loud noise. 

More tears. 

Ryujin shouting for help. 

And then Chaeryeong, owner of the house, with a bloody blanket. 

Beomgyu couldn't stop crying. 

"Beomgyu! For God's sake, this is not your fault!" said Chaeryeong, washing the covering. 

Yeji being taken to the hospital.

The huge scar on her forehead. 

"How did it happen?" someone asked. 

"Seems like she tried to throw the blender at Hyunjin, but it fell on her."

Shit. 

And worst of all. 

He remembers laying down with Hyunjin after his ex was taken to the emergency. 

And he remembers how Hyunjin kissed him. How he said he missed Beomgyu's smell. 

He remembers how he enjoyed it. 

And how they only didn't fuck then and there because Taehyun wouldn't let his best friend go through it all again. 

Thank you, Tae. He thought now, with his eyes closed. 

Beomgyu decided not to go to college. The shame was too much. The pain was unbearable. It's been a week since he last took his medication. Fuck. He shouldn't be so irresponsible. He shouldn't have drunk that much. He shouldn't have gone to that goddamn party. 

As noon approached, Beomgyu remembered he had to go to work. Ten minutes from his house. He just had to go and sit in front of the computer until 5 p.m.. But it was so hard. The song repeated itself over and over again as Beomgyu's thoughts spiraled. 

I'll never be able to have a job where I'll be allowed to take a day off. 

I am a fucking problem. I make my problems everyone else’s.

If I hadn’t called Hyunjin to talk yesterday, Yeji wouldn't have that scar on her face.

I feel like shit. And I can't even rest through the day 'cause I can lose this shitty job.

I'll never be in peace. My life has always been a drama. There's no way I'll be happy even taking medications.

Medications. 

He didn't think. He just looked at the clock showing 12:30, the time he should go to work, and did what he had to do. He checked if Jungwon, his brother, was at home. He wasn't. Good.

Poor Beomgyu. That was not him. That was the bipolar disorder talking. That was the lack of serotonin left because of the alcohol. That was the consequence of a week off of medication. 

He laid on his bed and waited. He didn't write a letter, not even a note. But he thought it would be too selfish leaving without saying anything. So he grabbed his cell phone and texted. 

To: Mom, Dad, Jungwonnie, Taehyun, Heeseung, Yeonjun

I love you. 

And closed his eyes. 

His phone rang, and Yeonjun's photo was on the screen. One they took under terrible lighting inside the car the last time they saw each other. That was a long time ago. 

"Gyu, are you there? What happened?"

His voice was heavy with worry. It's been half a year since they last talked. Beomgyu had already moved on, and so did Yeonjun. But he loved the older one so bad. Yeonjun always said how much she cared about him. And even though he hurt Beomgyu a lot, Beomgyu never once believed he didn't love him. It was just not meant to be. 

"Junnie..." Beomgyu could already feel the effects of his actions. "I- I tried to kill myself." He was sobbing. 

"Are you at home?"

No answer. 

"Beomgyu, answer me. Are you at home?"

"Yes."

"Okay. Don't move."

With that, he hung up the phone. Yeonjun worked in the same building as Beomgyu. It wouldn't take him long.

In ten minutes he was in Beomgyu's bedroom, followed by a crying Jungwon who just arrived and realized what happened. 

Beomgyu was laid on the ground, almost fainting. He was sweating, feeling nauseous. 

"Gyu, c'mon, let me take you to the bathroom." Yeonjun pleaded. 

The taller boy and Jungwon carried Beomgyu and took him to the bathroom. "Jungwon, go get some eggs. We need to make him vomit". The boy ran to the kitchen and got back in a second. Yeonjun cracked a raw egg and made Beomgyu swallow it. Nothing happened, so he gave him another one. The boy cried and complained but took it all. And then he vomited. 

By that time, Mr. and Mrs. Choi got home, desperate. It was the second time their firstborn had tried it. They swallowed their tears and focused on taking Beomgyu to the hospital. The first time, he survived without anyone's help, thank God. But now it was more dangerous. Now he already knew how not to fail. 

They thanked Yeonjun for coming and rescuing their son and asked him to rest because now it was their job to do it. They would call him later to keep him updated. Both parents got into the car, Mrs. Choi carrying Beomgyu in the back seat. 

The last words he heard were his mother's prayers. 

----

When he woke up, it was already late afternoon. He was in an emergency unit, with a tube entering one of his nostrils, going down his throat. And a black, thick, cold liquid ran in it right into his stomach. 

"Hey, babe. How do you feel?" his mom asked when she saw him opening his eyes. 

"Sleepy..." the words almost didn't come out, and he felt the tube moving inside his guts. 

"Oh, that must be the morphine. They had to sedate you to put the nasogastric tube." Mrs. Choi spoke rather calmly to someone who had just witnessed their son trying to end his life. Sometimes Beomgyu hated this fierce façade of his mom. But he couldn't hate her. He knew she did what she had to do to survive. 

"Oh... and what is this?" He pointed to the six cups on the table. Only one of them was filled with the black liquid. The rest, he assumed, must be in his body. 

"Activated charcoal to detoxify your stomach. Tomorrow your poop will be black", she tried to smile. Beomgyu laughed, even with the constant discomfort of the tube scratching his throat. He sighed, and looked at his mom. 

"Hey, mom... I'm sorry." He lowered his head like a child does when they know they did something wrong. 

"Don't say that. I am sorry. I should have taken more care of you, kid."

"You already do a great job, mom. It is not your fault."

And then he went back to sleep. 

Some hours later, woke up. Mrs. Choi had her eyes closed and murmured a prayer for her son. Beomgyu waited for her to finish. 

"Mom..."

"Say, sweetie."

"I promise I'll never overlook my medicine again, okay?"

She gave him a fond smile. And Beomgyu let the anesthesia do its work and lull him back to sleep. 

[darklylucid]

Grief Posting

Over a year ago, after looking up smutty ‘Avengers imagines’ on Pinterest, I followed a ‘trail of breadcrumbs’ that led from Wattpad to AO3 and, consequentially, to Tumblr’s slasher fandom where I discovered (much to my everlasting joy) a bunch of fellow horny weirdoes that loved slashers just as much as I did.

I loved the community so much that I decided to become a part of it and created this account with the hope that writing again would help distract me from two emotionally crippling events in my life - my mother being diagnosed with cancer for the second time in her life and the death of the much loved cat who was a huge part of my life for 21 years, my Honey.   

It was a very tough battle, but with the help of CAR T-cell therapy, my mom once again kicked cancer’s ass, but in a very cruel twist of fate, the grief I still feel over the loss of my cat, even after a year and a half of his passing, is ironically preventing me from writing - which was the very thing I hoped would distract me from it!

The slasher fandom of Tumblr has been like a family to me, so in the hopes that it’ll help lighten the massive weight of grief from my heart, I share with you, the family I chose, photos, memories and stories of my sweet boy. The goodest boy. The softest boy. My cat brother from a very different mother. My Honey.

Look at him. Look at his cuteness,

He came to us as a birthday gift to my sister, an undersized and pitiable barn kitten taken from his mother a little too soon, stuffed into a motorcycle helmet and unceremoniously (and irresponsibly) given to someone who lacked both the mental and emotional capacity to care for anything more complex than a pet rock.

He was, in short order, ‘rescued’ by my mom and I and became ‘our cat’, but because he was so young (his ears were still on the side of his head), my mom had to teach him how to feed himself by getting him to lick warm milk off her finger until he understood what a bowl of warm milk was for. 

Fortunately, he soon proved to be both an incredibly resilient little bit of fur and a fast learner and took to self-feeding remarkably fast, especially when he discovered how utterly delicious tiny bits of chopped-up hotdogs were...

Some of his accomplishments as a kitten include teaching himself how to climb the drawer-pulls on the kitchen drawers to get onto the counter, becoming ‘defender of the household’ by eating the Cellar Spiders in the basement and saving us from a (presumably) possessed evil potato which we found in the middle of the kitchen floor one morning covered in bite-marks. 

Look at this sweet little face - it got kissed so often it was a wonder he didn’t have bare patches...sometimes I risked missing the bus to work for how many times I had to stop getting ready, track him down and (sometimes forcibly...) pepper him with kisses. 

During his lifetime, as I imagine most cats do, he collected quite an...eclectic...collection of names besides ‘Honey’, and here is a short list of the more memorable ones I called him:

Hanny, Hanners, Hannums, Hunnums, Mr Scrotes, The Ball-less Wonder, Numb-Nuts, Mr Snip-Snip, Floophen-Poofen, Butt-Nuts, Fuzz-Nuts, M.U.D.H.L (short for ‘miniature urban domestic house lion’), Brother Meow, Vomit Comet, Mama’s handsomest little man, Purr-Machine, miserable fucking furry little bastard (when he was being an asshole), Ball-Munch, Mr Pantaloons, Fuzzlumps, ‘Fleasimus Minimus’, Sir Sheds-Alot, My Main Meow, and Snuggle-Bug.

When he upchucked on the carpet, I derisively addressed him by this rather elaborate moniker, ‘Sir Spews, Baron Of Barf, Viscount Of Vomit, Prince Of Puke, Highness Of Hork.’ 

With a face this sweet, who could be mad at him for too long, though.

Mom and I ‘rescued’ him a second time when my (dumbass) sister tried taking him with her when she moved out, as she’d convinced herself that it was perfectly fine to lock a cat up in a tiny bedroom without food, water or a litter box all day long until she got home (”I don’t want him getting food and litter on my bed!!!”)

On that day, he officially became my cat.

‘The French Fry Oil Incident’

One morning while I was getting ready for work, mom noticed a series of wet patches on the living room carpet and, understandably, assumed Honey had peed on the carpet (when he was ‘pissy’ about something, he let us know), but when she touched it, discovered that is wasn’t urine at all, but used cooking oil. 

One ‘oh shit’ moment later and a quick peek at the oil-splattered kitchen revealed the source of the grease stains - mom had been deep-frying some potato chips the night before in a shallow frying pan and had left it on the counter to cool, and we suspect Honey had jumped onto the counter in the middle of the night, stuck his tail in the used oil, whipped it around in a blind panic and then fled to the living room where he attempted to groom it off of himself.

One frantic search later revealed our poor little man, cowering in misery under mom’s bed with half the fur on his body soaked through to the skin with vegetable oil and smelling like he just took a dip in a McDonalds deep-fryer. 

We attempted to wash the oil out of his fur in the kitchen sink but all we ended up doing was making it worse, but then I remembered watching TV commercials that showed people washing crude oil off of ducks with Dawn dish soap, so we agreed that I’d bring a bottle home after work and we’d try again.

When I got home, we filled the bottom of the bathtub three inches deep with warm water, added in a copious amount of soap and then lowered the poor cat into it for the first (and only) bath of his life. Oh, how he howled, yowled, hissed and spit, but only for the first thirty seconds until he suddenly went dead-quiet, ‘gave up on life’ and waited for death’s sweet embrace. 

The dish soap worked perfectly, he was de-greased in no time at all and the only genuine protest he made in regards to trying to bite us was when I vigorously ‘sudsed up’ his ball sack. 

Unfortunately, in order to avoid traumatizing him further, we had to use towels to get the excess water out of his fur instead of the hair drier, but that caused him to get so chilled he started to shiver, so I brought him downstairs to the basement, heated up a series of bath towels in the dryer on the hot cycle and used them to warm him up.

One day later, we had a clean, warm, dry, happy and sweet-smelling cat that only continued to give me dirty looks for a week of so before he was back to his normal self.

Co-operative Hunting (cat style)

I was trying (and failing) to kill a house fly with the swatter one day while Honey was watching me with mildly disdainful interest from where he was comfortably stretched out on the floor in the living room. 

I glared at him in frustration and snapped, “Just don’t lie there, you miserable lazy beast! Earn your keep and DO SOMETHING!”

He got up, stretched, yawned, caught it between his paws in mid-air with a mighty leap, and ate it. Good cat...

Pokes Of Indignity

One day, he was curled up in front of me on the bed while I was reading a book, and without looking, I reached out to pat him on the head without noticing he’d gotten up and I accidentally jabbed him in the anus with my finger. 

He whirled around, hissed mightily, gave me the dirtiest look and retreated upstairs while I laughed so hard I almost peed. It’s a damn good thing I don’t have long manicured fingernails...

Boobs...

He loved ‘hugging my tits’ while I was in bed, and every night for years without fail he’d sit his furry ass down on my right side, place his paws on the blankets right over my boob and make ‘biscuits’ while I pet him. 

He would also crawl into my lap while I was sitting on the couch and put his paws up on my boobs, and if I moved them off, he’d move them right back where they were. Lester Sinclair in cat form, I swear...

He was an absolute menace when it came to shoelaces (forbidden cat spaghetti) and if mom or I forgot to hide our shoes, we’d wake up in the morning to find the laces chewed into wet gooey bits.

If he didn’t follow me down to bed, I’d yowl loudly (I’d let out a very loud, very poignant “YEOOOOOOOOWWW!”) until he came down to see ‘what my problem was’, jumping onto the bed and sniffing my face before I’d settle him down beside me for cuddles. Sometimes, I even fell asleep with my arm around him before he left.

If I laid in bed with the alarm going off for too long, he’d come pounding down the basement stairs, jump on the bed and yowl in my face.

When I was working in the kitchen, randomly, he’d sashay in, throw himself at my legs and then leave. 

He seemed to like having his tail whipped around, I’d grab it by the base, violent shake it and he never complained.

His favourite toys were the bird feathers I found for him outside, the plastic rings from milk jugs and pom-poms.

He never tried climbing the Christmas tree.

Sometimes, I’d forcibly flip him onto his back, face-plant his belly and attempt to ‘blow a raspberry’. He was never amused by it, but he did ‘put up with it.’

He loved us making him ‘blanket nests’ on the couch, and all we’d have to do is hold up a blanket for him to see and he’d jump up on the couch, howl at us until he’d been covered up and he’d stay there for hours. 

I had the back door open one day to air the house out, and a young black squirrel jumped through the doorway and into the living and landed right in front of him. No hiss, no paw-swatting, no aggression, they simply touched noses and gave each other a thorough sniffing before the squirrel scampered back outside.

(The squirrels in the court are accustomed to people letting their cats roam and take no shit, because they *know* they’re faster and have sharper teeth, and the cats seem to respect that. I’ve seen various cats 'loafed’ on the ground mere feet from where a group of squirrels are feeding on a seed pile and the squirrels don’t even acknowledge them...)

He would dry-hump the frilly pillows on mom’s bed the moment she got into it nearly every night of his life (it’s a good thing he was fixed...) 

He adored olives, and on the very rare occasion we’d give him a few bits of them to eat. One day, he smelled olives on my mom’s breath, realized that she’d eaten some without giving him any, let loose one hell of a growl and hissed in her face.

I woke up one morning with a ‘cat hat’, he’d wrapped himself around my head in the night and I woke up with his tail curled around my throat and his warm cat breath in my ear.

The older he got, the more he came to realize that belly rubs felt good. Sometimes, when he’d be laying beside me on the couch and I’d go for the belly, and he’d actually lift his leg dog-style and give me full access. 

I taught him how to pee in the bathtub. 

Yes, I did. No, I won’t say how because it’s embarrassing, but I will say that it saved one hell of a lot of money on litter. 

A couple of times while was in the shower, covered head to toe in soap, he’d scream at me that he wanted to go pee. I had to shut off the water, move the shower curtain aside to let him jump into the tub, wait until he’d peed and jumped out before I could finish my shower.

(Teaching him to ‘aim for the drain’ was hit and miss...sometimes he’d aim and sometimes I’d have to swivel his furry ass around for him)

I loved to use him as a ‘pillow’, he’d be curled up on mom’s bed in a blanket nest and I’d lay down beside him, rest my head on the middle of his body with just enough pressure to press my ear against him and listen to him purr. He actually seemed to enjoy it, sometimes turning his head and lick my cheek, and he never left before I was satisfied.

He was given raw meat, beef, pork and chicken his entire life to supplement his kibbles, and he always got the first taste of the Thanksgiving and Christmas turkey, both raw and after it was cooked. No matter where he was in the house, awake or asleep, if you called out, “Honey! MEAT!” he’d come running to get his share. 

Some of his favourite snacks included tiny tidbits of olives, cream cheese, ‘meat macaroni and cheese’ lunch meat and strawberry Haagen-Dazs ice-cream. 

He never had a taste for fish, but he did enjoy the occasional cooked egg yolk.

His all-time favourite place to nap was on the couch beside me, curled up on or in either a blanket or one of my hoodies, and an hour long TV show would usually take an hour and a half to get through with the amount of times I paused it to pet him so I wouldn’t miss anything.

He made it all the way to the venerable age of twenty-one, a remarkable age for any cat, and until the last month of his life, he’d never been sick, never had to suffer through the indignity of fleas or ticks and was pampered every last minute of it (as a strictly indoor cat, his paws never once touched dirt)

Warning - non graphic mentions of pet death under the cut, bitter regret and a lot of sadness. 

As he got older, thinner, lost most of his apatite and spent more and more time sleeping, my mom told me that at some point, we'd have to consider putting him down, but I kept insisting that “We’ll keep him until we find him cold and dead on the floor.”

I was selfish. I didn’t want to let him go, I couldn’t. He gave me something to look forward when I got home after work, he helped keep me going after struggling with crippling depression my entire life and I still needed him, so I waited until it was past the time he should have been taken to get put to sleep.

I had to watch him fade, and that was so much worse, because by the time I made an appointment to bring him into the vet, he was almost half gone already. 

I kept my hands on him while the vet did what should have been done days before, and still he purred for me until...he didn’t. I’d never witnessed an animal’s death before, and I can still remember putting my fingers on his throat to see if he was still breathing and feeling nothing.

I don’t remember the taxi ride home, only walking into an empty, dark house and making him a blanket nest on the couch where it stayed for a week.

I’m still not over the loss, and I hope that by sharing with you my stories of him and a small taste of the love I felt for him, still feel for him, it’ll help me in some way.

He was my boy. My Honey, and I’ll always miss him.