#i cant stop making dumb text post to cope

[thisisreal-really]

no cause if loki is THAT powerful he should be able to make this a 9 to 5 job, like just clock in for eight hours a day to branch all the timelines together, clock out, go home, drink with tva gang, get mcdonald with sylvie, kiss mobius, wash some dishes and so on and so forth

[hamahsjournal]

My Struggle with Rejection and Vulnerability

I've had alot of friendships in my life, yet somehow here, right now I have none. It's a fact that physically hurts some days but 'it is what it is' as they say.

My very first friendship ever was probably my longest ever. I befriended twins in the Pre-K and we remained friends until the 8th grade, when I left our small school. I left school and slowly started hanging out with them less and talking to them less. It hurt, alot, at first, but we were naturally growing apart. I obviously didnt expect or want then to never make new friends but I would be lying if I said it didnt hurt when I'd see them on social media with other people. But I grew older, more mature and understand the natural distance that came between us.

What I cant forget and what will always hurt was my friend Aryn. Aryn and I because friends when I was in 5th grade. She was in 6th and had newly transferred to our school. I dont really know what brought us together but we were naturally drawn to each other and hit it off. We were absolute BEST friends! Like we texted all the time, hung out at every possible chance and we told each other everything, I really loved her.

She and another girl (who we'll get into later) stayed my best friends the when I moved away and still talked and everything. When my family and I moved back to my home town, Aryn and I had become slightly distant but nothing a few chats over coffee wouldnt fix. But little did I know Aryn had moved on. I would text her to hang out and she would agree then text back minutes before we out meet up time saying, for one reason or another, she couldn't make it. Then I would see her on social media that same night out with other friends. I was the backup friend, no longer a first priority, simply an option if a better one failed to come through. It hurt, alot.

Where our friendship came to a nasty end was the day after our mutual friend, Ashley's wedding. Ashley was at the time my best friend. I had known her a long time (as she use to date my brother, but that's another story for another time). Aryn her and I hung out alot. But as Aryn backed out of my life ashley was there for me and was a great friend. I was a bridesmaid in her wedding and we were really close. But the day after the wedding aryn posted a photo that destroyed our friendship.

You see, aryn had a fake Instagram (a finsta if you must *rolls eyes*) that I didnt follow but Ashley did. Aryn posted a candid photo of her and I at the wedding where I looked, basically terrible lol, and posted a rude comment directed towards me under it. I guess I must have blocked out what the comment was because, I genuinely cant remember it any longer. But trust me, it was grounds for divorce.

I was hurt and felt like my life long friend had secretly hated me and I never knew. All the times she canceled our plans made sense she never actually cared about me like I did her. I felt alone and fell down a hole of depression for a while.

Luckily, my friend ashley helped me alot with that! She helped me realize the problem lyed with aryn and not me. But soon our friendship too ended.

After Ashley's wedding she moved away and we both did our best to keep in contact, but us both being young adults we had busy lives that didnt always permit that. I still considered her my best friend though. What was the end of things was when she made a trip back to our home town and didnt tell me. In fact kept it a secret from me and my brother, who was her husband's best friend. The obviously didnt want to see us for whatever reason and ignored us. They continued to do this multiple times while posting on social media pictures of them out with other friends. Friends, who by the way, made their wedding hell. But again another story for another time.

Once again i was left feeling hurt and confused I didnt know what I did to deserve this. I always was the best friend I could possibly be to Ashely. Fighting and standing up for her when drama hit the fan during her wedding, I threw her a bachelorette party, I talked her through a break up. But here I was once again out a friend, spiraling down the dark tunnel of depression, I too often find myself in.

What pulled me out of the maze of depression I was in was when I went on a missions trip to Mexico. Now I've been going to Mexico for a lo g time, but never more than a week at a time, until this trip. I went down for three months. I worked in an orphanage and loved it! I met a boy who worked there who was a few years older than me and we instantly had an unspoken connection. I found myself really really liking him, but we were just friends and I wasn't about to loose another friend because of my dumb feelings.

It wasn't until my next trip down, where I stayed for eight months, that I realized I was head over heels in love with my friend. But I never said anything. Him, two other girls and I lived and worked together in this orphanage, always hung out and were best friends.

That was until during the Christmas season where one of our mutual friends (who was slightly obsessed with him) was away visiting family. He told me one night, that he liked me, like alot. He has for a long time and sees us having a future together. You can imagine how genuinely happy and excited I was! This was why i was here! I would fall in love get married and have a family, it was incredible! But, I didnt want to start anything while I was living in the orphanage, because he was living there too and we were working with kids, so we didn't want anything weird to happen. So we decided to just wait to see what happened in the future.

Then, our friend came home. She cornered me one evening in our kitchen and went off. Saying I was ruining our friend group, his and I's relationship was inappropriate, I was a bad example to the kids, I made her uncomfortable and it needed to stop.

I left the conversation, locked myself in my bathroom and resorted to an old coping mechanism I thought I had long left behind. I cut my hips and sides. Balling my eyes out heart broken I had ruined everything.

This began a chain reaction of events that are too lo g to explain now, but in the end it came down to this. He had to choose to be with me or be friends with her. Guess what he chose?

He chose her then had the audacity to tell me he loved me. I hated him. Well, I wanted to. But I also loved him much. After a couple months I returned home, broken hearted.

I'm still broken hearted, hurt and struggling. He posts about her now, their friendship (thata more than a friendship if you ask me), how great she is and how much he loves her. While I sit here having lost a boy I love and my friendship with both of them.

I'd never felt so rejected and hurt in my entire life, it destroyed me for a long time. He still texts me occasionally and I text back keeping the conversation friendly but that's all.

It's because of these event in my life that I struggle with the constant feeling of rejection and not being good enough. I'm always the second choice. Never quite good enough to be made a priority.

Maybe one day, someone, somewhere will change that for me. But that feels so far away.

Somedays I cope with the fee lo ding better than others. Some day I can go for a run, or draw, or mow the grass and feel better after ward. Others I feel enslaved to the depressing thoughts in my mind keeping me a prisoner to my bed and to the blade on my sides.

I'm hurt. Struggling and I fear rejection. Because of that I dont dare to make myself vulnerable to another person again.

[ludashiki]

rambles under the cut

   i’ve been thinking a lot lately and trying to evaluate why, even when i make dedicated places for bitching/talking/thinking out loud i just. dont use them. i’d really like to say stuff here or anywhere every now and again because i have a lot of thoughts and stupid things that happen that i want to slap into a text post and let it fly but i dont. i physically stop myself from doing it. and on the few occasions i actually do it, it typically gets deleted within the day.

   i see people i follow post their opinions and things that happened to them at work or things they did and i usually find it somewhere between completely inoffensive to charming. so why cant i let myself do that    i thought about it for a long time and found things i need to improve on: 

   1- i feel like nothing i say or think or do is worth anything or anyones attention

   which isn’t true. or i’d like to believe so. no one is going to be majorly inconvenienced by me posting “today me and lee said ‘thats what good pussy sounds like’ at the same time while stirring chili”. i’ve spent a long time, due to trauma and/or shitty coping mechanisms or something else, thinking that my existence is one that is best spent trying to be as invisible as possible. there needs to be some “justification” for me saying or doing or thinking anything, or being alive in general.

   2- i have a huge aversion to my own identity 

   this seems connected to the first in some way, but is also kind of its own thing. when i was younger i’d routinely go through my traditional art and destroy it or throw it away or whatever. i’d even find and burn journals with my stories and ideas in them. i hate the concept of a different person, a past self, still having evidence of having been alive. anything that is associated to me but is so disconnected from my present state of being that it may as well be its own person with their own life and death distresses me. and i guess i’ve connected having a place to talk about things as something the future me will want to destroy. i’d rather compartmentalize my entire life into something ideal and presentable for no reason other than...i really dont know honestly

   how do i feel about me destroying that stuff now? i regret it! i wish i had kept all those stupid weeaboo-ass sketches in my middle school planner! i wish i had kept that 40 page yugioh story i wrote in freshman year! fuck! i still hate my dumb past self for various reasons, and i accept that the fact im ashamed of my past self is probably a sign of positive growth, but i wish i could see it as a part of my past instead of a blow to my already fragile concept of identity    how do i feel about existing now? i still have big mental illness disease(tm) and have a hard time believing my self-worth and have down times, obviously. but i’ve been making serious effort to better how i handle my negative thoughts and behaviors and i can already see the payoff, not just for myself but for people (lee) who have to be around me. i want to be alive! i like to dream up future plans! i want to believe i can be seen as appealing. i want to believe that people care about the art or ideas i make. i want to believe that people care about me and that im worth peoples time. i want to be present, i want to be warm, i want to be okay with being a person and not an idea or concept

   i really dont know what the point of writing this was but i guess thats alright, right

[always-thirsty-pocket]

I'd put this under a read more but I cant figure out how to do that on mobile.

My online presence could sometimes be summarized as dumb geek stuff, with a lot of negativie venting. And I'm going to try to change that completely moving forward. ( well, not the dumb geek stuff.. )

I dont think venting to hundreds of strangers and online-only friends has ever helped me feel better. It may have even made me feel worse. No replies felt shitty. Getting replies felt shitty because they were, while usually well intentioned, unhelpful ( being told it's ok when it's not makes my anxieties skyrocket. ) Getting likes was outright upsetting.

I feel like it pushed away potential new friends, or kept current friends from getting closer because of course no one wants to get involved with someone with that kind of baggage. It also put my closest friends in an awkward position, because like... they cannot help. They may want to, but all they can do is offer some vague positive words that I have to pretend were helpful.

Nah... venting, crying out for help that I know isnt going to be helpful has done more harm than good for me, and has only upset people who care, and it's made people perceive me as someone incapable of enjoying life... and that's just not true.

I have my sad periods where I start making stuff up in my head, and just assuming untrue things about the way people feel about me. I assume nothing will ever make me happy again. But it's never true, and those days dont last forever. I think trying to take my gloomy days online with me prolongs them more than anything. Which is why I want to stop. If I really and truly do feel so full of dread and unhappiness that I feel like I need to talk to someone, I think I'm either going to take it to an offline friend, my mom, or seek professional help.. if that's an option. I don't think I'm at that point though.

This isnt to say I'm not going to post bad news. If it's big enough, people who I consider friends should know it. It also doesnt mean "nothing negative evar" ...because you know me. I think being critical of the things you love is important to their growth. So yes, I'm still going to talk shit when a thing im interested in is fucking up ( looking at you pokemon. ) ...and it's not to say I promise to not vent ever, because judgement is cloudy in those moments.

This might seem out of nowhere, since I havent posted much of anything at all lately. It's because I just havent been using tumblr, and barely using Twitter, and when I do use Twitter, I try to avoid venting, and I've actually felt a lot better ever since. My "sad" moments happen but they're getting shorter.

And thos also isnt to tell anyone else how to cope. If venting helps, then do it. But if you find yourself doing it all the time, my suggestion would be to get some help.

What I want to focus on more is things that make me happy. I'm always happiest when discussing my hobbies. Unless that hobby is kind of a heated topic ( looking at you pokemon. ) ...but my problem is that I keep it to myself because I always just assume nobody cares, or is outright annoyed when I talk about what makes me happy l and in the case of irl friends, some even admit to hating when I talk about certain things I like. But online it's pretty easy to find someone who likes the same shit youvdo.

I'm in no position to do this right now, but I. Hoping to make a new blog that I just flood it with text posts about things that make me happy. I dont care how big or small. Could be me appreciating the legacy of a character that's been around since I was born, or it could be me just shouting how I really like tortilla chips. This blog will likely wait until I can get a new laptop.

I'm just so done trying to share my misery online, I do enough of that offline with my family. From now on I just want to bond over what makes people happy.

Still probably gonna be kinda inactive here on tumblr tho. For now.