#i cant sleep because of the aforementioned anxiety disorder

[the-soupgoblin]

Having an anxiety disorder is genuinely so funny sometimes. Cause I always used to hate on the stereotypical "coward" characters in cartoons and shit but like. Honestly I cant blame them because I unironically act exactly like them. Like I am straight up just constantly Scared For No Reason. One time I was on the brink of a panic attack for a solid two hours while walking around the mall and my friend just turned to me and said "oh my god you're Fluttershy" and Ive literally never forgotten that. So if you have an anxiety disorder just remember. You're literally Fluttershy My Little Pony

[fluffyblue-multifandommess]

So... After a few times of going ‘hey that’s me!’ every time there was a post on my dash about what it's like to have adhd, I finally talked to my psychiatrist about it. Like. I went back through all adhd related posts on my blog and wrote down all the things I identified with. And I explained to my psychiatrist, 'hey look, people on tumblr are always talking about their disabilities and / or mental health issues etc and the adhd posts got me thinking so I wanted your opinion' and I proceeded to read off my little list, and trying to give concrete examples wherever I could think of one. And when I was done, she started one of her usual 'let me just talk at you for like 10 minutes without giving you a chance to tell me if / when I've drawn the wrong conclustion' speeches. And, it took me a while to notice, but her speech was about medication, and from the way she talked about 'we only diagnose adhd when there are no other factors in the environment to change' and 'the medication is a very strong drug that we want to avoid using on people who don't have it' and 'people, in the us especially, have been using their kids' meds to get a boost and getting addicted to them'.... This bitch straight up thought I'd made up some list about adhd symptoms to get on the fucking meds. Straight up. And so like when she was done with her bullshit rant, I reacted all meek-like cuz I'm bad with confrontation, like 'uuh I dont really care about the meds tho like I just wanted to know whats going on with me because it helps me when I can name exactly why I do a Thing' and we spent the rest of the hour talking about how with the social anxiety, like, yeah Im scared of the stigma around disabilities and shit but also I'd like to have a simple word to give people to explain shit?? (like if I loose track of what someone is saying in the middle of a convo, I wanna be able to reassure them that it's not that I dont care about what they have to say, but just my focus is whack and I cant help it (but also im still sorry ofc), yknow?) But anyways she said something vague about how my symptoms could be chalked up to my other issues (anxiety, avoidant personality disorder, insomnia, depression).... which.... uhm. Okay yeah I loose track of what my best friend is telling me about her favourite hobby because of those. And I have trouble going from one task to the next because of those. Sure. yeah. I totally buy that without you giving me any details on how that works when there is a much simpler explanation.

So yeah basically she dismissed my entire thing because she initially assumed I just wanted the drugs, and then I guess she just couldn't be bothered to take it seriously??? Listen I understand that as a psychiatrist you gotta be wary of patients trying to get on meds they dont need and shit. but like??? fuck you.

So anyways part of  me still thinks I probably have adhd while the other part is going "nooo listen this Health Professional says all your symptoms can be chalked up to the other stuff so Cleary you're just imagining it or trying to find more things wrong with you than there already are hmmm maybe you just want the extra attention yes that must be it you piece of sh-" ANyways yeah this is Not Fun and I really dont know what to do next.

I was supposed to see her last Friday (the incident above was a few weeks ago), but my sleep schedule last week was so out of whack I was constantly confused about the day of the week and totally forgot. Im seeing her again in early August, but with a couple other health care professionals for an organizational thing so I won't be able to bring this up then, and then she's going on maternity leave for a few months.

I really really don't know what to do next. I wanna get a different psychiatrist but my psychiatrists have been changing like the teachers for the DADA class, like, I've had like 4 or 5 different ones over the past two years and I'm tired of having to explain everything over from scratch each time and having to adjust to the other person's particular way of doing things each time, but also I just... don't really wanna talk to my current one anymore? I mean it's not just this, her aforementioned uninterruptable speeches have been getting to me for a while (she talks just long enough that I loose sight of where exactly she went wrong and find myself unable to contradict her with anything other than 'uuuh that... doesn't... soung right???' which don't seem to do much)

Anyways tl;dr I'm Tired.