#i cant grieve for something that hasnt happened and the hope that it might not is getting too heavy

[salsa-di-pomodoro]

Whoo boy i finally figured out what about submas angst hurts me so much, even when it's not meant to be angst. As i suspected it is an inner problem of mine mixed with the lack of closure. What the fuck happened to make me so sad over characters who are alone. I know exactly what happened actually but nvm that.

[blandmemoirs]

"How have you been?"

To put it simply, exhausted

I've been having trouble sleeping lately. I can't fall asleep and stay asleep, instead I sleep for few hour intervals before darting awake in the middle of the night or early morning. Usually three times each night. This has been a pattern for a few weeks now. I've had a mixed bag of dreams that will be worthy posts elsewhere. Some really good, others really bad. And I think that's how my life has been as of late. I do fun things and have a great day and then I get home and feel myself will with dread or longing. I don't have much to long for, but I just feel alone in my day to day. Even though there's not an hour that passes when someone hasnt demanded my attention, I still feel as if I'm drifting through this time in my life by myself. I feel like I'm stuck in my own head, talking to people has been harder as of late. Opening up and telling people how I feel has felt draining or tiresome. I feel like I'm worthless and some voice in me is echoing for a sweet release. It says "please let me die". Of course, I won't be doing that. Ive got too much to live for. Ive got people to help and care for. Ive got a legacy to build and jobs to do. My life cant end here, and wont end here. But something inside me just don't feel right and I dont know what to do about it. I think its just because my life has hit a point of stagnation at the moment. All my friends are busy and doing things with them is becoming more of an every now and then kind of thing instead of everyday. I feel like I'm waiting and waiting and waiting but the results won't be arriving anytime soon. I know what I want to do with my life and what I want to be and what I want to make, but I figured it out too early and everyone is going to keep me waiting until they figure it out themselves. I'm patient, but I'm oh so exhausted of feeling so alone.

The world threw a curveball my way the other weekend. I had my first major death in the family and my first car accident. In that order. I dont think they are related but my focus was definitely strained when I was on the road. The death was our beloved housecat, Midnight. She was black, rather small, and super soft. She was feisty at times and loved to run around the house and lay on warm things. Her meow would melt your heart. She, like all our pets, was a rescue. We got her after she was found to be clinging for life to my Father's old truck. He believed she might have followed him all the way from work. She was super tiny then. Our second cat in the house, after Stinky Pete. The third was my orange baby, Jackle. Before we got her fixed she would have her period and be extra moody, usually meowing into the late hours of the night. She waa my dad's cat first and foremost. Always in his lap. Always bugging him. Its natural seeing how he rescued her. Her favorite place to go was the garage, where it was cool or warm and felt the most like being outside. Of all our cats, midnight wanted to leave the house the most. She would always be near windows, especially when they were open. It makes sense considering the earliest parts of her life were spent that way. She was also always affected by fleas the worst. There was a time she lost patches of hair from the bugs. She was most grateful when we eventually adopted flea collars for the kitties. The last year or so she developed a nasty growth on her belly, and it would often pop and bleed. My parents, never having the money for a veterinarian, would just let her pick at it and hope it would go away. It never did. Then last week I recieved a text from my mother saying that they had her put down. I don't know the specifics, its not something I want to ask. What I know is that she had cancer that developed into a heart mur mur. My mom was with her when it happened. My dad said he couldn't be there. He wanted to, but just couldn't. That's incredibly tragic, conaidering she was his cat, but I understand that mix of emotions that kept him away. Shes buried by the garage, her favorite place. My mom said it was one of the hardest things shes had to do in her adult life. I dont think any of us were ready to see Mini go like that. My dad is going to make a tombstone and put a pot of roses by it. That little ball of fur will be dearly missed when I return home. I'm left wondering how the other animals in the house feel, if they even understand that their sister is gone. My dad told me today that Domino, our boxer dog, and Stinky Pete, the old man fat cat of the house most likely know. Stinky has always been oddly empathetic for an animal, his eyes sometimes seem human in how he expresses himself. As such they are all comforting my dad. He says he doesnt spend a minute without them bugging him, and normally he hates that, but hes letting them grieve and doing so himself. My Jackle cat is not the brightest thing, hes just supporting Stinky Pete my dad says. I would expect that. Those two are very close to each other. I've really missed my cat and want to bring him with me to my next place, but I dont think I should seperate him and Stinky at this point. It wouldn't be fair. All in all, Midnight "Mini" Bland was a sweetheart of a kitty and gave us no bad luck despite her fur's reputation. She will be missed and forever loved. She is family, even if it took until now for my parents to admit that. Rest easy.

The car accident was a product of wet roads, traffic, and poor luck. Some dude cut us off and we both slammed on our brakes but I rear-ended the dude in front of me from hydro-planing. It wasnt soft, but it wasn't hard enough to do any real damage to our cars. We both pulled over and traded the important info, took pictures, all the formalities. There was barely noticeable cosmetic damage to his car, and maybe a bump and scratch on my end but I'm not sure if those were already there or not. I bought my car used with a few bumps and scratches. Its personality. Dude was polite and patient. Said he will keep insurance out if I just foot the bill for his paint scratches, assuming he doesnt find more damage later. It being the night in a poorly lit city like Austin, it makes sense he didnt promise me anything until hes seen the sunlight. Said he'd text me in a week or two depending on his schedule. I hope he remains as respectful a guy when I hear from him. I really don't want to work the extra hours to pay for a heightened insurance over something as weak as that. But that's all for the future.

Writing, or I suppose typing, has been very therapeutic for me. I think I've gotten all the thinga bugging me out of my head for now. Time will tell. I'm going to start a storytime series on this blog soon, recounting different life stories that have impacted me or changed the way I am. Y'know, actual memoirs. Hahaha. Thanks to the few who read. You are the most important friends I have and I love you all.