#i cant go have christmas with kaylas family like i usually do
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when i was gone I kept thinking abt how suicidal and relapse-y i was before i left and being like Wow life is great idk how i got that bad but now im here and i -_- ITS FINE im literally JUST hungry but wtf
#and i CANT run away again i have to just stick this out. and i can do it i literally know i can#im also you know. my dog died and everything#and my snail...and my lizard...and im SO lonely and i knewww it would be this way it just feels crazy#and he gets SO MAD AT ME for trying to check the mail bc im too close to the road and what if a car drives by w their windows down#Like tell me thats not insane. tell me thats not literally crazytown. it IS#and im sad bc#Lord let me type this without crying#bc we arent reallyy doing christmas this year#and christmas is my favorite and#i cant go have christmas with kaylas family like i usually do#well im glad i already had early birthday in october bc i know we arent really doing birthdays this yr either#and i need to seriously get over how horrible it feels to not have my family care abt my bday bc its NOT A BIG DEAL. its not#like it ISNT. ik it isnt. and idk why i care. every yr i hope itll make up for all the last ones and it never does#its just our whole situation of being super poor and not motivated enough to compensate for lack of gifts w emotional investment or like#going and doing something or cooking something or doing anything...just feels so bad#OK I CANT EVEN THINK ABT IT RN or ill go crazy im gonna get my cherrios and play minecraft
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