#i cant even fight dysphoria w a binder bc it wrecks me for several days to wear just for an hour
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#vent in tags#im just gonna fucking kill something#i dont feel like i have a space to just relax anymore#i have a cat who is in endless need of playtime but cannot self entertain to save his life#which means i have to either get torn to shreds by him - let him bully the other cat - or chase him nonstop#which i cant do bc i have chronic pain and my job leaves me in bad shape#i cant even save up money and when i try to be responsible thats when suddenly im in a danger zone where i have to borrow money from my dad#ive been wanting to move out but it doesnt feel like ill be able to it feels like something has to change but lord knows what that is#and of course the rest of my family needs help too so i cant really go to them for anything i have to be 'on the job' for them instead#i cant even fight dysphoria w a binder bc it wrecks me for several days to wear just for an hour#i still havent been able to change my name i have several mental health issues i need to pursue help for and im putting off top surgery#for until i get through my student loans 10 years from now#which by then ill have some other financial reason not to get it done#and i love my cat and i worry for him so much bc the people he used to live with were abusive shitholes but i just cannot a#attend his every need 24/7 so i feel guilty constantly when im at home trying to rest#i tried to get him cat toys but of course if im not doing anything with them for him he wants nothing to do with them#but has no problem playing w inanimate shit that literally he cant or shouldnt play with like my protective stones#and i need money and trying to boost commissions and normally? i love having an audience that gives me radio silence#bc it means i wont get hate mail or too much attention or drama#but now when i need money it means i wont be able to get anything taken care of myself and i have to go to my dad#who hates doing things for people and has never given me even a small gift outside of holiday stuff for years#and when he does do something nice for me its only bc it benefits him more in some way like taking my shift at work so i dont need a ride in#i feel so stagnant and on top of that i hate myself in ways no one else gets and when i try to talk about it they just pat me on the head#and feed me empty words of 'oh but youre NOT though youre perfectly amazing dont listen to those thoughts' and its like look.#firstly i cant trust when people try to reassure me bc all my life ive had gaslighters who when they do that turn around and bitch about it#secondly its actually ok to have negative feelings??? and sometimes my bigger problem is feeling brushed off#or when i say im stupid and people say no im not like fuck off karen i know im book smart!!! but theres different types of smarts#like in rpgs how theres different stats and my social smarts stat sucks ass and its ok for me to recognize that#i had more to say but tag limit but other peeve is i can feel broken without other people telling me im not its not actually reassuring#gripegripegripe
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