#i cant distract myself with studying because i think im stupid and cant learn

[skrimply]

i love that when i feel isolated instead of trying to participate in more activities with my friends i just isolate myself more <33

[dulharpa]

this is for hayley! @whistlingwillows a dear friend <3333

it’s meant to be a birthday present haha. i just want to shower you in love;;; so thought maybe i could go through as many of your fics and comment on them :^)))

(TO EVERYONE ELSE: please go to @whistlingwillows blog and read her fics!!! they are SO FCKIN GOOD AND AMAZING AND UGH HER MIND (it’s a lot of mcu and her bucky and steve fics are a*. i DEFINITELY RECOMMEND))

i wish you a VERY happy birthday and i hope we stay friends for many more years <3333333333 

i’m going through your masterlist heehee ;)))

ah first off, nice theme! i never could rlly see it before because i’m always on mobile heehee. also sorry for not reviewing them before??? i don’t usually read fics on tumblr as you’ve probably guessed;;

anyways, IM GON REVIEW THE SHIT OUT OF THESE >:DDDD

far from home -  bucky x stark sister!reader

firstly, i like how youre introducing the reader from buckys pov, like you can sort of already gather what shes like from them

‘Bucky can hear Tony’s soft inhale, feel the intensity of the man’s glare directed at Steve. He shouldn’t be eavesdropping, but a twitch of muscle would be enough to alert both men that he’s here. With the amount of tension crackling in the air, a brush against the wall would be equivalent to a thousand cymbals crashing in cacophony.’

IM CRYING ALREADY. the imagery in here is GLORIOUS. your tone here is so fitting! oo and the alliteration here is perfecto

ooooooo!! the backstory coming in  👀👀

‘despite what some people think that Steve and Captain America are two different personas, there will always be parts of Steve in the Avenger, and parts of the Avenger in Steve. They both want to believe in something good. They are, after all, one in the same.// Just as how Bucky and the Winter Soldier are the same man despite everything. HYDRA simply amplified the hate, fertilized the seeds of rage, curated the quiet thunder within his soul, within James Buchanan Barnes so that the Winter Soldier could thrive.’

yIKES! lol this is very character study like! nICE. it hurts tho, my poor children, i love you both 

oo ‘starlight eyes’ that is a very nice way of describing them

‘“Then what was London?” The protesters. “São Paulo?” The earthquake. “Vancouver?” Freezing cold water.//“Look, I care if Stark’s gonna run us over trying to find her. I care enough because she’s part of our team. Come off it, Steve. I know she can take care of herself. I’m gonna take a nap. Dr. Cho said no partying post-Singapore and what do you know, we throw the biggest party ever.’

ooo singapore uwu and london? (coincidence? haha jkjk) and the hints abt reader and buckys background are so good?? but so annoying??? like i just wanna KNOW yknow?? 

‘The water runs copper and the sting bites at his palm as he tries not to think. Tries to focus on the numbing cold that runs over his skin.’ 

your imagery is so vivid?? im actually in awe??? i am so regretful i havent kept reading your fics. like i know they are amazing, i just keep putting them off??? idk man. hopefully this makes up for it (gd tho, im still not done with commenting on one fic. this is what im doing with my motivation teehee ;)

‘ He feels weak. Tired. He wants to go back to bed but he also wants to stay out in the sun for a few hours more. The sun kisses his skin through the windows and he squints against the blue sky, wondering ‘

mood during this quarantine lol

‘“Oh, right.” Your voice is flat, uninterested, cold, as you stare at him. “You killed my parents.”Shit.‘

 OUCH LMAO THATS C O L D, O GOT +100 PHYSIC DAMAGE FROM JUST READING THAT

ooo robin as a nickname noice. very much gives me batman vibes lol

oh! and the way of doing the ‘flashback’ is neat! very original. it both tells us what happened AND buckys reaction to it again. he can re-analyse himself and reader. very cool

‘If you walk away now, don’t bother coming back!” Silence. Bucky can hear his own strained breathing, your soft sigh as you soaked in his ultimatum.’

👀👀 yikes that ultimatum. :// not good bucky. tbf theyre both trying to hurt each other but Yikes

eyy!!! readers pov!! finally! and the switch after we find out the outsiders pov? brilliant

oh no :(( more angst

‘When’s the last time you saw your therapist?”“Don’t have one. I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself.”’ they BOTH need therapists;;;;

very good fic!!! :DD they rlly do hate each other! i definitely like how you went back and forth with the timeline! it gave me a v strong idea on what yn was like even before we rlly got introduced. i am now very curious on where reader is? i love your characterisations! 

i will read the 10k+ fics but heck the last one took me ages lolol (i will comment in the future tho!! i promise <3 ) (that took me over an hour jjhghgdjh)

slipping away- amnesiac modern bucky x reader

omg,,, AMNESIA! >:DDDDDD

‘ Put your fucking seatbelt on’

oh no, istg theyre going to have a car crash arent they (’ doesn’t put the seatbelt on to spite you.’ NO PLEASE PUT IT ON U DUMBASS)

ok,,,,, at LEAST he put it on before he got hit, thank heck. but still. youre so cruel to your poor characters lmaoo

oh gosh

‘You fall apart slowly, like pieces of you peeling away until you’re nothing more than your broken heart. The sobs that wrack your body are relentless and you shove your forearm into your mouth to muffle your cries. You want to bite into your skin. You want to distract yourself from the agony tearing you to shreds. You want to feel anything but the pain.///Tears sweep into your hair, cloud your vision and your whole face floods with heat as you try to breathe through the pain. You’re cleaved into pieces on that bed, eyes squeezed shut as the tears keep flowing, and your throat burns’

this hurts damn, it is so vivid?? i can really feel it 

i am so glad you got into writing yk?? so glad

NO PLS, TELL HIM. TELL HIM :((( ‘shes nice once you get to know her?? shes known nat for years now!! years!!

oh god ‘he looks younger without the burden of your time together’ this is so angsty omg

‘Well, he was stumbling through his apology and I just let him finish.” Your body fills with warmth as you remember his embarrassed smile, the way he shoved his baseball cap farther down his head, chin tucked to his chest, trying to hide that face. “When he was done, I opened my mouth to say something polite but what came out was ‘You look like someone I’d very much like to kiss’.”

this is so soft i stg im crying in the club

OH SHITTTTTTTTTTT , you left it off like that!!! thats so cruel!!!! i can’t!!! how dare you!!!! :””””””((( im typing this with tears in my eyes ill have u know!!

anyway!!! very good fic!! you could honestly make that into a longfic very easily lol. i felt too many emotions :(( 

i was just about to say where is the fluff!! where is it!! when i saw the next one and yay :))) pls i cant have more angsty stuff rn

.

cookies and rings and things bucky and reader

‘how much do you love me?’ ‘count the snowflakes, multiply by a million’

did you have to start the fic off with such a SOFT line? its so soft! so TENDER 

‘He wonders what kinda insane person wears socks without any clothes on, but then decides that it’s the kind of person who’s fallen in love with him.’  jesus, the soft moments filled with love are the greatest <3

you can write fluff so well, whyd you have to pain me with all that angst ;””””) (1/10 hurt, 9/10 comfort is the way to go lolol) (jkjk ill read the angsty ones too when i have the spoons) (gonna reread that hydra steve one and ik thatll fuck me UP)

‘ Then, he can feel the cold metal of the ring she slid onto her own finger less than twenty-four hours ago and realizes that he had thought a lot of things shouldn’t be possible, and yet they still are. ‘

you literally brought me to tears reading this softness, you have truly found my weakness

‘ She’s so damn gorgeous with flour on her face and eye bags beneath her eyes that he’s sure she will inevitably make his heart burst ‘

he already likes her so much! i can’t believe this is affecting me so much :’)

‘Bucky is quite sure Sam is in love with his girlfriend in the fact that he’s in love with the fact that his girlfriend is possibly in love with Bucky’

this is so soft??? sam loves reader bc reader loves bucky sm. pls my hear <3333

you do fluff SO WELL DAMN 

‘F.R.I.D.A.Y.’s voice echoes in his small little perch and he still thinks it’s weird without having the side effect of Stark in his suit chasing after him to hear the A.I. but he shoves that uncomfortable feeling of the dead man out of his head. That is too much regret to unpack right now on a mission. ‘

yike bringing back that reminder oof

but thats so soft??? (i am def overusing soft but,,,,, i love it and the vibe) she sent him cookies! god i can feel the love  

‘She expresses her feelings through cooking, which Bucky has learnt the hard way. One time, they got into an argument over something stupid—he can’t even remember what started it—and came to the kitchen at 2AM to see her sitting at the kitchen island crying her eyes out and surrounded by baskets of muffins.’

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 my hEART

you show how much they love each other in so many ways??? i am dying

“Alright, I like it.” Rolling his eyes, he pecks her forehead and she smiles victoriously. It’s so adorable that Bucky, with less than three hours of sleep, adds, “God, I want to marry you.//”“What?”//Oh.Shit.

oh my god! i am literally tearing up!!! AGAIN!!!!!!!!

oh shit o am literally crying

your fluff got me crying harder than your angst i hope youre happy

I really hope you enjoy reading this?? i keep forgetting to like text you but i wanted to do something for your birthday. especially in quarantine when everythings gone crazy. one year i swear ill do something REALLY good for you. not making promises bc i hate if i dont. but ill like, learn how to podfic because you D E S E R V E  I T 

ive spent like three hours doing this lolol 

thank you so much for everything hayley!

[okyio-archive]

hey guys !! im so sorry for being absent for so long :+( !! it’s been a crazy couple of days and i really needed to recover after everything that has been happening. again i just want to say thank you for everyone who has been so patient with me. i’m going to clear these anon msgs + i’ll respond to all my private msgs&discord chats + check out what i’ve missed once i wake up tomorrow. i love you guys sm for showing love + support. i wish you a happy thursday :+)

sims related

Would u ever do an editing tutorial? like how u draw little doodles and stuff like that! If it's not too much fo a hassle. love you SO MUCH!! <3

hey nonny :+) please check the faq next time !! I’ve answered how i drew the little doodles there but for a full blown tutorial i’ve already mentioned that i’ll do one once i have more free time :+) !! thanks for the support love !!

What are your favorite brushes for edits?

i recently found one right over here :+) and i’ve been experimenting w/ em !! tbh i dont have a fav cause im always trying out new brushes out + seeing which ones i like !!! so im sorry if that doesn’t answer your question asjkdhf

hi!!! hope you're having a good day!! is it okay to use the sims from your sim dump in a story as long as you get credit? if not i totally understand!

thanks nonny for asking :+) !! yeah definitely !! you can do whatever you like w/ them !! i would love to see so feel free to @ me :’+) have fun and tysm for using my sims :’+)!!

personal questions

Can i be your friend?

ofc nonny :+) !! ill prob reply slow af but i promise you that i would love to make friends :+) so hmu whenever you feel comfortable !!

How do you deal with perfectionism? Or what ever that word is????

honestly, tk wrote a perfect post outlining what she does and it helped me out a lot as well !! so check her post out + hopefully it can help you a bit too :+) if you ever need someone to talk to, im here :’+)

would it be ok if I asked u for friendship advice?

ofc nonny :+) !!! just hmu off/on anon in my inbox or pm if you wish :+) im always willing to help as long as you’re a little patient w/ me since i reply quite late haha but im always here to listen + give my 2 cents :+)

I find it so hard to study, I get distracted so easily and sometimes it isn’t my phone :(

awh man nonny i know what you mean. i struggle w/ studying a lot and i’m a uni student haha. besides the typical tips you can find online, what i found is this app called forest (it’s on ios + android devices!!) to help me stay on task (whether it’s studying/chores). check out more information here. it’s been honestly helping me a lot + who doesn’t like plants??? 

I don't know who to tell this to and you seem really kind: I'm the pickiest eater I've ever met or heard of. It's just NO most food is disgusting it just makes me wanna barf. And everyone treats me like a 4-year-old child. Nothing cheers me up anymore. I think I have selective eating disorder and nobody understands :( People are being mean to me all the time because I don't like certain foods and maybe I AM just a 4-year-old child. I need help and comfort :( Because being a picky eater is hard.

awh nonny first thank you for telling me about that :’+) im really sorry if im replying this super late asldkjf. i honestly really appreciate that you opened up to me about it okay? i know this can be difficult since it’s smt so personal. i want to let you know right now that i’m always here for you + supporting you okay? i know it’s difficult when your surrounding group of people don’t understand / support. although i haven’t personally dealt with this, i would suggest finding a professional + see what their take on it? if it’s to the extent that certain food makes you barf, it’s def more than just “wow ur picky” yeuno? cause you physically can’t eat smt without barfing it all out. seek a professional when you’re more comfortable okay? you dont have to do it now but baby steps!! remember you’re not alone, im always here for you oaky nonny :+) every step of the way!! lmk + update me okay? i’m wishing you luck ily !!

my moms having her 4th child and like im really nervous abt it cause this is the first time im actually old enough to like remember it and take care of him and like im scared

!! nonny thank you for coming up to me + telling me about it - i honestly really appreciate it :’+) !! first of all: congrats !! i know things will definitely be different since there are responsibilities to deal w/ and added stress but remember !! to take it slow okay? it’s 100% okay to make mistakes. it’s 100% normal to feel overworked. there will prob be more little arguments here and there since everyone will be quite restless + more irritable but take it slowly + (literally) baby steps okay? if it gets too much for you, take a breather and come back to it. im sure your mom will understand if it gets too much for you. and besides - im here supporting and rooting for you too nonny :+) !! i honestly cant imagine taking care of another human being at this age either - heCk i can’t even take care of myself askdjhf but remember it’s a learning curve!! it’ll take awhile + there will be a lot of obstacles to huddle through but it’ll be rewarding okay? again, if u ever need someone to talk to, im always here :+) !! ily nonny!! stay strong

Hi! I'm really sorry to bother you rn, but I just really, REALLY miss my dog who passed away several years ago. She was like my sister... I related to her more than people & I could always rely on her for comfort. All I want to do is just hug her again, but I know I can't do that. I just can't move on. I love her so much. I'm sorry, but I need to tell this to someone, ANYONE, because it's really been keeping me down lately...(dog death anon cont.) I've been seeing a therapist since she's died, and I've been on several medicines which DO help, but only to a certain degree. I realize there's a certain part that I, myself, need to control (ie moving on). but like I said, it's hard. I haven't told anyone this, because I'm afraid of looking stupid for letting my dog's death get to me this much that it's required hospitalizations and such. I just want to see her again. (end)

!!!!! asdf you’re never a bother nonny !! dont ever thing that alright? i’m always here for you ready to listen no matter what (i’m just a super slow replier so i apologize for that askdhf). but first thank you for coming to me + telling me about your personal problems - i honestly appreciate sm. i’m honestly so sorry nonny... i can relate to some extent because i got my dog when i was in gr 7 and he was my only friend who i can go to to feel love + comfort up since i’ve been bullied since elementary school & never really had friends. i can’t imagine what you’re going through .. i’m honestly so sorry. don’t think that you’re stupid at all okay? i’m the last person on the earth to ever think you are. i’m glad you’re seeking a therapist right now !! however, i 100% understand if it’s difficult to move on - cause it is!! my grandpa past away 10 years ago and he was one of my best friends and he was really the only “father figure-like” role model i look up to. till this day my heart aches thinking about my grandfather and how much i miss him. similarly, i would definitely feel the exact same way w/ my dog if he passed away because i treasure him sm. so don’t be too hard on yourself about moving on. i know it’s easier said than done but different people vary on how long they mourn for. some can be 100% okay in a couple months while others takes years - and that’s 100% okay! why? because we’re human. there’s no need to rush in “moving on” - take it in your own pace. i know the pressure / stigma of others thinking you’re “weird/stupid” for being like this state further creates anxiety/stress in “forcing” yourself to rapidly wanting to move on. however, i urge to try your best to ignore what others might think + focus on yourself to the best of your abilities. perhaps distract yourself in finding a new hobby / doing smt that you love or smt new. it takes time to recover - no matter how long you take, no one’s rushing you oke :+)? ill be here every step of the way if u ever need me. it’s okay to have those days where you tried so hard but u end up at point A because after you go through that hurdle, you’ll be closer to your goal. take as long as you need - baby steps nonny :+) i’m here rooting for you oke? i love you so much. you’re a strong sweetheart and i know you can do it. 

[palace-of-freedom]

I wss filling out a friend's questionnaire earlier today and it asked "by your definition of abuse, have you been in an abusive relationship as an adult." To that I answered "No", not realizing that my definition of abuse was flawed. I read the questionnaire and the character described in it was being abused. The boyfriend never hit her, but he did call her worthless multiple times. He was suspicious and did not trust her, however much she reassured him that she didn't cheat on him. He demanded her phone and remained relentless until she handed it over to him.

Now, I haven't exactly been through this. But I can imagine where this situation will end. The next time, the boyfriend will be more aggressive, realizing he can get away with it. In future, he may even hit her. He will have gotten inside her head and manipulated her into believing that she was worthless. That this guy was the best she'd ever get. That she wasn't worth loving. That no one would ever accept her. That she would never be good enough. She would become trapped and be unable to ever leave the person she claims loves her. In truth, he doesn't love her. Not in the traditional sense. He fears being left alone. He believes that she is his in every way possible and that she should know it - she has no hope of ever leaving him, not without a lot of emotional blackmail.

I haven't been through this exactly, but I did realize today that I was in an abusive relationship as a teenager. And I never came to terms with it or accepted it. My ex boyfriend too had called me worthless and useless countless times. He called me selfish, arrogant and helpless too. And I could never think of that as being verbally abused. I used to justify his words and fit into his label, because the more I fought the label, the more he fought me. The bigger the issue would blow up. And I've never been the type of person who argues or fights. Four years ago, I was even worse than I am today. Today, fighting with someone causes a full blown panic attack. If a friend doesn't speak to me for a few days, I begin to think of every way I've screwed up. I self-blame a bit too much. I internalise problems. I panic and I freeze.

I was abused by mother as a child too. Being a child of an Indian family, its weird if you dont get slapped a few hundred times for whatever reason. So I figured it was part of my culture and that its normal - everyone goes through it. I played it off the way I did with my relationship, nd treated it as though it was all normal. Slowly I've been breaking out of that pattern. I don't let people control me anymore. I stand up for myself more. I'm drawing boundaries that should have been there years ago. And I'm proud of myself for this small growth. I see where things are going wrong and I'm trying to correct them now. I'm about 7 years too late, but still - better late than never. The reason for this growth: learning psychology.

The last 3 years of studying have taught me that you should not hit your child. Its not okay. It taught me that your attachment style with your significant other will reflect the attachment style you had with your mother. It forms a basis on which your every relationship is defined, described and explained.

Personally, I have an anxious attachment style. Over the past year, I've been trying to change it to a more secure attachment style, but I think I'm now avoidantly attached. Im not a 100 % sure, but its a feeling I've been having recently. When the going gets tough, I avoid looking at my phone. I avoid people. I crawl into a shell and isolate myself, until someone pulls me out. But this wasn't the point I was trying to get at.

I wanted to say that "its okay." That these may have been my life experiences over the past 21 years. But they're not going to define the rest of my life. Based on the patterns described by psychological theory - I am destined for more abusive relationships, until I break the pattern. Until I rewire my brain. Until I figure out my defense mechanisms and start using healthier coping styles.

The first thing I did today when I came to this realization waa criticize myself. The first thing I asked myself was "how stupid are you to miss this guy even after four years since your break up. He treated you like crap and called it love. He said no one else would ever love you and you believed it. You've jinxed yourself to end up alone. You've become so scared of love because all you've seen is how badly it hurts. How do you know its your destiny to stay like this?" Whats wrong with you, you idiot? How could you be so stupid? You've just wasted four years of your life in this. Why can't you move on?"

This was a mistake. If a friend told me this story, I would treat them with compassion and understanding. Why cant I do the same for myself? I deserve the same love, the same understanding and the same compassion as does anyone else. I want to start being kinder to myself. I want to let myself feel. I want to accept that I went through this. I want to realize that I went through this and I got myself out. I'm the only person I need to save myself. And I need to get myself to know and remember that. I'm okay and I will be okay. And soon I can really be happy without it being by surpressing my feelings and emotions, or distracting myself. I look forward to that day when I can say I'm truly happy, and mean it.

[palace-of-freedom]

I just read a post that said "if you feel suicidal, you're convinced that you need to die. But it doesn't have to be that way. What it means theres something inside of you that needs to die - there's something you need to come to terms with.

I've been feeling like stabbing myself in the thigh or stomach and bleeding to death for months now. And I've been so busy wondering why I feel that way and where it began, that i just couldn't think of what to do about it. Instead of wondering why I feel that way, I should think about what I can do to feel better. i need to figure out the parts of myself that I don't like and want to kill of, so that living with myself feels more bearable and I can accept myself. So let me list out the things I hate about myself:

my sensitivity- I've been told over and over again about how I take everything too personally, and overreact a lot. I feel like others would be able to tolerate me more if that was reduced. I feel like I would have fewer issues in life, with everyone around me if I could just shut off the sensitivity factor. I think I would also be less of a burden and have fewer arguments

My inability to deal with feeling angry- i hate the fact that I can't deal with anger and that I either blow up or break down. I think its the one part of me that I truly hate. I wish I was more adept at dealing with it and managing it, because I dont think my methods are the healthiest. Anger is a secondary emotion- it comes from feelings of pain, betrayal or fear. And i never learnt how to process any sort of negative feeling or emotion.

My lack of energy- I constantly feel drained and incapable of doing anything. Any little thing takes a lot out of me. Leaving my house for even the briefest amount of time leaves me unable to study or be productive. I dont feel like speaking to anyone or socialising. I dont have the strength to keep a conversation going. I dont have the strength to think or make a decision. I feel so tired, i cant bring myself to do anything but keep my eyes open. I hate it.

My fear of abandonment- I feel like i constantly accept and take a lot of shit from people just because I dont want to lose them, and i think thats stupid of me. I should not value friendships more than my friends value me. It just leaves me taken advantage of, talked down to or used. I dont like feeling that way. I dont like feeling like I put in more effort than I am given. I dont like being manipulated. I want autonomy and free will. And with the amount of things taking away my free will - I'm fed up. I refuse to give people that satisfaction. I refuse to feel manipulated or like a puppet ever again. I would rather be alone than around people who dont value my opinions and feelings. But I'm also scared of them leaving me. Its not a pleasant boat to be stranded in..what keeps happening is that I always apologize. Because its always me in the wrong, so confrontations or talking about your emotions dont get you anywhere anyway. And my feelings are my own and im responsible for them, so others shouldnt have to deal with my outbursts and feelings. I should just deal with them and process them alone because no one else likes or wants to hear about it anyway, and i already am alone. So why does it make a difference if people leave? I want to learn how to let it go.

All of this is why I feel depressed and want to keep stabbing myself. Endlessly. The next bit is what I can do about it - how I can make myself feel better, right now.

cry (but I'm tired and fed up of crying)

stop taking shit from people (tried - doesnt work)

isolate and shut down from the universe (works while im shut off, but I feel drained the minute I start socialising

distract myself with music or shows (works as temporary relief)

eat chocolate (also temporary relief)

sleep (i cant fall asleep)

talk to someone about what i feel (everyone is too busy to listen to me, has their own life problems or doesn't want to).

let things go (i wish i knew how to)

relax and do something fun (i have exams)

hangout with friends (i have exams)

get drunk out of my mind (creates more problems than it solves)

stop crying, wash my face, listen to music, hope that tomorrow is a better day and fall asleep (usually works best).

Thanks for listening to me ramble. Lets hope number 12 works.