#i cant decide how i want to format things omg

[softpawpup]

❛ i won't let you go again ❜ — 🩸 🌹 🌙

. . . . — agere / petre diabolik lovers headcannons !!

🩸 all the sakamaki brothers are regressors, yui caregives for all of them

🌹 yui is a big sister caregiver and a babysitter

🌙 the brothers put cute bandaids on yui after they bite her

🩸 theres a designated play room for the brothers to use when they're little inside the manor

🌹 kanato has the cutest little clothes and has a bunch of bear plushies but teddy is his favorite ofc

🌙 ayato is a bratty little, he throws tantrums and doesn't really clean up his messes but he cries if yui is upset with him

🩸 kanato will sing lullabies for his brothers at bedtime

🌹 reiji likes having tea parties with his plushes and toys, he doesn't like sharing with his brothers

🌙 shu has the comfiest bed with the best blankets and sometimes his brothers will sneak into his room when they're regressed to take naps

🩸 yui will tuck in each brother one by one for bedtime

divider from cold--carnage.

[ssprayberrythings]

our little secret | CL16

charles x female!reader / smau fic 

this was a request so thank you anon for providing the idea, i changed some of the detailing ever slightly to fit it more into the social media format but overall i followed the request so i hope i did it justice! 

as a bit of a background: you and charles have been together for a few years now, but nobody knows because they’ve kept their relationship secret from the f1 community and private from anyone who follows you. everything is going great until photos of you and charles on vacation get leaked. normally you’d deny it or ignore it but it was very obviously charles in the pictures which cause fans to go crazy, wanting to know everything ultimately resulting in you and charles deciding to go public and hoping for the best. oh and the request included having other drivers on the grid having gone through recent breakups which was another reason charles liked that your relationship was private. 

warnings: none, just pure fluff and charles being a simp for his girlfriend !! 

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yourusername posted on their instagram   

yourbestfriend, yoursister, user23 & others liked 

life recently ⭐️🫶🌸

view all comments 

user1: y/n i still cant believe we haven’t figured out who your partner is, its been atleast a couple years 

user2: at this point, i don’t even care who it is, as long as she’s happy 

yoursister: awe the flowers, he’s the sweetest 

╰ yourusername: i know ! 

user22: one day we’ll find out…i hope 

╰ user17: we can only hope 

yourbestfriend: i love that youre happy but i don’t enjoy third wheeling, does he have any single friends he can atleast bring along 🥲

╰ yourusername: sorry..pretty sure all his close friends are in relationships 🫣

charles_leclerc posted on their instagram 

f1fan, pierregasly, landonorris, fanofleclerc & others liked 

who do i give these flowers too 

view all comments 

fanofleclerc: YOU CAN GIVE THEM TO ME 

f1fan: ILL TAKE THEM OFF YOUR HANDS CHARLES 

user30: how is this man single ???? he’s so boyfriendcoded 

landonorris: i’d prefer literally anything else but i guess you can give them to me 

╰ charles_leclerc: ill pass 

f1: we’ll take them for you charles, im sure someone in the paddock would like them 

-

yourusername posted on their story  

caption: he loves me i swear..😉

*replies disabled*

charles_leclerc posted on their instagram 

pierregasly, landonorris, f1, f1fan, charlesleclercfan_ & others liked 

enjoying the sun whenever i can 

view all comments 

fanofcharles: hes so beautiful wow 

charlesleclercfan_: imagine running into charles leclerc while he’s shirtless? id pass away

pierregasly: photo creds would be nice..

╰ charles_leclerc: you didn’t take the photo ? 

╰ pierregasly: yes but i was behind the camera offering support, its basically the same thing 

f1fan: pierre and charles’ friendship is top tier

╰ liked by f1

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yourusername posted on their instagram   

yoursister, yourbestfriend, user20 & others liked 

me and everyone’s favourite man hit the town 🍸

view all comments 

yourbestfriend: its giving old money, i love it 

╰ liked by yourusername 

user20: im sure whoever he is, is a gorgeous man 

user12: i may not know who he is but i aspire for these vibes 

yoursister: the hand placement is everything 

╰ liked by yourusername & yourbestfriend 

user44: whoever he is, he was raised right, that hand placement says everything and him holding y/n’s heels, god has favourites 

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charles_leclerc posted on instagram 

charlesleclercfan_, f1, f1fan, landonorris & others liked 

hikes at sunset > 

view all comments 

charlesleclercfan_: omg charles 

charlesleclercfan_: i think my heart just stopped 

f1fan: he knows what he’s doing, he has to 

user33: brb finding the strength cause this photo makes me weak 

user2: he looks so happy 

yourusername posted on their instagram   

yourbestfriend, user22, user14, user7 & others liked 

my two favourite people 🫶

tagged: @yourbestfriend 

view all comments 

user2: mystery man once again

user14: the way they go on runs together 

yourbestfriend: the only time i’ll gladly be a third wheel..i love a good walk/run at sunset 

╰ yourusername: i know how much you love your sunset runs 

user12: couples that run together, stay together 

╰ liked by yourusername 

-

yourusername posted on their story  

caption: my whole 🌎 

*replies disabled*

-

yourbestfriend posted on their story

caption: i once again find myself third wheeling..@yourusername

╰ yourusername: atleast you could walk away when you wanted..

╰ yourbestfriend: not the point..but tell charles thank you for paying for me aswell

╰ yourusername: will do 😅

charles_leclerc posted on their story

caption: enjoying some local art before racing starts again  

*replies disabled* 

-

yourusername posted on their instagram  

yoursister, yourbestfriend, user3, user15 & others liked 

gonna miss watching the sunrise in the morning and the sunset in the evening with you 🥺

view all comments 

user3: wait where is he going 

user23: awe, i hope everything’s okay and they haven’t broken up

╰ user4: i think mystery man has to leave, but they’re still together 

yourbestfriend: mom and dad..fr 

╰ liked by yourusername 

user44: wherever mystery man has to go, i hope he comes back soon 

“Merci mon amour” You smiled as he situated himself next to you in bed. Having been dating now for almost 3 years, you had picked up on french terms and were able to have small conversations only speaking French with Charles 

“I posted you on instagram” you told him as he wrapped an arm around your shoulders pulling you closer into him but being careful not to spill the drink in your hands 

“Oh what did you post? My phones charging” he explained as you unlocked your phone and showed him the post you made for him “You’re now being referred to as mystery man” you chuckled. 

Out of all the names people had given him throughout the years, this was definitely your favourite. Charles also chuckled when he heard the name that was given to him 

“Can I ask you something?” Charles asked after a few seconds of comfortable silence passed between the two of you 

“Of course, what’s up?” you asked after taking a small sip of your tea “Do you ever think about going public with our relationship?” He followed up 

You turned to face him fully “Of course, mon amour but we both agreed it was better this way” You reiterated the promise you made early on in your relationship 

“I know but I hate that I cant comment on your posts or even post you myself” he sighed “I want to keep you safe but I also want the whole world to know you’re mine and I’m yours” he finished. 

“I know it’s not fair” you exclaimed while running your fingers through his hair, something you did for him when he was stressed or feeling anxious “I love you all the time though regardless if you post me or not you know that. Right?” You asked him 

“Of course I do” he told you in response closing his eyes feeling relaxed “One day we’ll go public. Im making you that promise” he told you opening his eyes again 

You smiled at him “Sounds like a beautiful promise” you responded, leaning in to kiss his cheek “As much as I would love to spend the rest of the night talking with you, you have to be at the airport early tomorrow” you reminded him as you stopped playing with his hair, to turn and put your mug on the bedside table next to your side of the bed, Charles putting his own mug on the table next to his side 

“Im gonna miss you” he told you when you were both situated in bed, the only source of light coming from the evening sky outside “Not as much as I’m gonna miss you” you told him, snuggling into his side while his arm pulled you closer to him. 

Even if you had been dating for awhile, the start of the race season was always a struggle, neither of you wanting to be apart for long periods of time but it was moments like these that you held close and savoured until the next time you could be this close again. 

-

yourusername posted on their story  

caption: my happy place 🎨

╰ charles_leclerc: babe i miss you already and its only been a few days 

╰ yourusername: i know but soon you’ll be busy with media events, qualifying, racing and the time will go by quicker, i promise my love 

╰ charles_leclerc: facetime tonight so i can see your beautiful face ? 

╰ yourusername: of course ❤️ 

yourusername posted on their story  

caption: now whose third wheeling..😠 @yourbestfriend 

╰ yourbestfriend: oh hush up, this was only one time compared to how many times i third wheeled you and driver boy 

╰ yourusername: okay fair point…also driver boy? wait till i tell charles that one 😂

more replies..

╰ charles_leclerc: omg since when did y/bf/n get a boyfriend? i want all the details 

╰ yourusername: i’ll tell you everything on our facetime call, its a pretty cute story of how they met 

╰ charles_leclerc: okay but not as cute as when we met? right? 

╰ yourusername: oh never, we have the ultimate cutest first meet story 🤭

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charles_leclerc posted on their instagram  

f1, carlossainz55, scuderiaferrari, landonorris & others liked 

feels good to be back 🏎️ 

tagged: @scuderiaferrari 

view all comments 

scuderiaferrari: looking forward to a great season ! 

╰ liked by charles_leclerc 

f1fan: HE LOOKS SO WELL RESTED AND HAPPY, FERRARI YOU BETTER DO CHARLES JUSTICE THIS SEASON 

f1: as if we weren’t already excited for the new season !!

╰ liked by charles_leclerc 

charlesleclercfan_: IM SO EXCITED 

charlesleclercupdates: THIS IS HIS SEASON, I CAN ALREADY FEEL IT 

Charles was standing with the other drivers, whenever the new season started they always had to do a bunch of media and although some drivers may hate how childish some of the antics were, overall it’s always a nice time getting to be in the same place as everyone and not be competing for once. 

Charles turned to George and Pierre who were in conversation with Carlos and Lando. Somehow they had gotten on the topics of relationships, Lando having told everyone that the girl he was seeing at the end of the previous season before the break, wasn’t in the picture anymore. 

“Aw mate I’m sorry” Charles told him “Its okay, we weren’t anything serious” Lando told him, seeming to be completely fine with the outcome. “Carlos how are you and your lady?” Lando asked Carlos taking the attention off of him 

“Ehh, its alright” Charles’ teammate answered the question directed at him “We barely talk and now with racing starting, I don’t see her sticking around much longer” he explained his current situation. 

To Charles it seemed as though everyone who had been relationships or atleast talking to someone, now had no one which made him a feel a bit guilty as he had been in a 2 year long relationship that none of them knew of. 

Later in the day, the guilt in Charles stomach only grew when he somehow found out 3 more drivers on the grids long term relationships had ended. He was feeling unnerved because it seemed as if there was some sort of relationship ruiner going through the paddock and he didn’t want to be the next victim. 

That night, he called you up, for a moment forgetting about the time change but remembering its only a small change. You answered after a few rings, you had your painting scrubs on indicating you had been working on a new piece of art 

“Hi mon amour” you exclaimed happy to see your boyfriend “I was just in the middle of painting, let me just take my scrubs off so I can move to the couch” You explained, Charles nodded his head acknowledging you

“Okay tell me how everything went today, I want to hear it all” you started talking again once you were situated on your couch. Charles started telling you about his day making sure to include what he learned about his fellow racers, which only caused you both to feel content keeping your relationship to yourselves. 

-

yourusername posted on their instagram 

caption: disconnecting to enjoy the serenity of camping 🏕️

*replies disabled*

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f1updates posted on their instagram  

charles_leclercfan, f1fan, wagupdates & others liked 

old photos of charles leclerc with an unknown female leaked. reports say this was last year during the summer break, which brings up the questions of who is she? were they dating here? if yes, are they still dating? everyone wants to know. 

*comments disabled* 

charlesleclerc_updates posted on their instagram  

f1fan, f1updates, wagupdates & others liked 

more leaked photos of charles with this mystery woman. who is she? i know im not the only one dying to know 

view all comments

user11: OH MY 

f1fan: CHARLES MY DUDE WHAT IS THIS 

f1updates: does anyone have any idea on who she is 

╰ user15: no clue 

user3: she’s pretty from what ive seen 

user22: i need to know everything 

ferrarifan: what i would give to have been a fly on the wall when charles found out these got leaked 

Charles was resting in his drivers room. He was trying to mediate which meant he had his phone silenced. This was something you started doing with him when he would get in his head about racing and it helped him regain his focus especially during the moments when he was to hard on himself.

He had been in here for probably 30 minutes before there was a rapid knock on the door “Charles, its Carlos can I come in?” his teammate asked from the other side 

“Yeah” Charles answered. Carlos opened the door and stepped into the room “Have you been on instagram?” Carlos asked holding his phone in his hand 

“No why?” Charles was confused, what was so important on there that had Carlos wondering of his activity on the app “You should see this” Carlos told him while passing him his opened phone. 

When Charles looked down and saw what he saw, he felt his heart stop. There you and him were on his boat, last summer. He couldn’t believe what he was seeing. He scrolled through his tagged and it was flooded with the same pictures posted by various accounts 

“This isn’t good” he mumbled to himself as he passed Carlos his phone back so he could pick up his own phone. He went to go text you immediately when he remembered you had told him, you and your best friend were going camping for a few days which meant you wouldn’t have reception until you got back home. 

He opted to still text you something rather than nothing, that way you would see his message once you turned your phone back on and would give him a call. 

“Can I ask who she is?” Carlos asked after a few moments of silence “Shes my girlfriend. We’ve been together now for almost 3 years” Charles answered his friends question, figuring the secret was out now and there was no point in lying. 

“Oh wow, you’ve kept this going for that long and its just now coming to light. Thats impressive” Carlos told him 

“Yeah we decided early on to keep it between us” Charles sighed “We were planning on going public eventually but I guess the public beat us to it” 

Carlos just gave his teammate a sympathetic nod, there wasn’t anything he could say in the moment but he could still be there for his friend. 

A few days after this, when you were on the drive back to your place, you turned your phone back on, having a few texts from Charles. One that stood out, read ‘Babe give me a call when you can. I have to talk to you about something’ the text from Charles read. 

You weren’t sure what this could be about so you didn’t wait to dial his number once you were in the comfort of your apartment. After a few rings, Charles answered, asking you how camping was and catching up before moving on to talk about what happened while you were offline. 

That night you and Charles had a long conversation on what you both wanted to do in this situation and after some back and forth, finally came to a decision regarding your relationship that you both hoped you wouldn’t regret down the line. 

-

yourusername posted on their story  

caption: he’s back ♥️

╰ yourbestfriend: happy anniversary to you two:)

charles_leclerc posted on their story  

caption: when she makes you breakfast 😍

╰ maxverstappen1: WAIT ‘SHE’ ?? 

╰ carlossainz55: AW

╰ landonorris: soft launch? 

-

yourusername posted on their instagram   

yourbestfriend, charles_leclerc, landonorris, pierregasly & others liked 

i guess after 3 years, my mystery man isn’t a mystery anymore. 

happy 3 years mon amour 😘 

tagged: @charles_leclerc

comments have been limited 

charles_leclerc: i love our love 

charles_leclerc: 3 years into it, a lifetime to go 

╰ liked by yourusername 

yourbestfriend: so happy for you both 🥹

╰ liked by yourusername

pierregasly: oh wait this is actually cute 

╰ landonorris: agreed !!!!

charles_leclerc posted on their instagram    

yourusername, yourbestfriend, f1, landonorris, maxverstappen1 & others liked 

hard launching because i’ve wanted to post my girl since i met her 

joyeux anniversaire, ma chérie 💌 

tagged: @yourusername 

comments have been limited

yourusername: i love you 

yourusername: falling asleep on you > falling asleep on the bed 

╰ liked by charles_leclerc

f1: we’re happy for you:)

maxverstappen1: 3 YEARS? WOW 

maxverstappen1: happy for you dude 

carlossainz55: bring her to the races so we can all meet her !! 

╰ liked by yourusername & charles_leclerc 

-

i hope you enjoyed this one. im trying to get more into including actual pieces of writing so hopefully for this one, everything made sense. as always feel free to leave any comments or you can make your own request, up to you! ♥️

[trendywaifus]

Heeyyy, could you perhaps do some late night headcanons with the fontaine girls (particularly with chloride) where the character cant sleep? Doesn’t necessarily have to be nsfw

ofc, sweets. also, don’t mind me, i’m experimenting with the formatting here. just trying sum. ( omg i realized half way you said hcs, awwww fawkkk, i’m so sorry, my brain is not braining today)

↳ it’s hard to do these things alone

gn! reader | sfw | angsty/fluff

↳ featuring — furina, navia, clorinde, mona

mona’s part pretty short and sweet. i decided against more angst! clorinde’s midly nsfw. not proofread.

furina bites down on her bottom lip in agony, she turns her back towards your sleeping form, hoping you don’t wake up to her pathetic breakdown. she curls herself into a ball, hot tears fills her vision. the dreadful feeling of her heart gradually breaking into two because of the wretched prophecy haunting the corners of her mind deprives her of the desire to rest peacefully with you tonight.

is there anything she could possibly do to stop such an inevitable phenomenon? is she fit to save her people’s fate, your fate? she’s the hydro archon for goodness sake! of course not superior than her previous ancestor but she’s trying her best! but, is trying all she could do because it’s inevitable or she’s merely a cowardly god hidden in plain sight amongst her people? whichever it is, the responsibility and risk of maintaining a doomed nation is far too great to begin with—it was as though the weight of the ocean is on her shoulders. furina wants out but she doesn’t want to abandon her people and break their trust.

confused and frustrated, a broken sob left her lips; her body trembles. “ why me? “ furina forces out and repeats it over and over again like a broken record, desperately hoping celestia answers her.

but they never did. instead, arms wraps themselves around her shaking frame and pulled her closer to their front. it was you who silently answered. you grasp her bawled fist and gently pried it open with your fingers. you intertwine your hand with hers and squeezed it. furina sobs harder at the fact that you’ve heard her cries of despair and came to her aid. “ i-i did n-not mean to w-wake you, — i-i was— “

you hushed her and nuzzled your face into her unruly pale blue curls. touched by your warmth, her sobs eventually died down into soft snivels. furina tightly grips your hand, afraid that you’ll disappear.

some of the cracks etched in furina’s heart healed and the shattered shards of her bruised self-esteem are carefully pieced back together by you for another day.

with a frustrated sigh, navia peels herself from your arms and sits upright against the headboard. she couldn’t sleep and how could she? tonight is the anniversary night of her father’s death. her mind was plagued with negative thoughts and unwanted memories from the past she desperately wished she could change. “ all i want is rest, i don’t want to go through this right now. not tonight. “ navia mutters bitterly, pushing back blond strands of hair that hung over her eyes.

navia sighs once more, this time shaky as she hunches over and places her palms over her tired eyes. it was way too late to visit her father’s grave and it’s not like she wants to wake you up to comfort her like a distressed damsel—that wouldn’t feel right to her. she shouldn’t trouble you, she already did enough of that today. tears of frustration wells up in her eyes, she sniffs. maybe a nice walk will help while she sorts out her mind.

she gently takes the covers off of her body and slides her legs off the mattress. before she can get up, her wrist was caught in a gentle yet firm grip. “ mon coeur, where are you going? “ you sleepily asked. navia straightens her back, having no intention of turning around to meet your eyes as there’s a chance that you’ll see the fresh tears on her face. she clears her throat, “ i am. .going to go on a walk. th-that is all, mon amour. “

navia hoped that you didn’t catch her slip up and if you did, she wishes you don’t address it. she bit the inside of her cheek as she felt your gaze on her back. after a moment, the sheets rustled and she feels your arm around her waist. you use your other hand to brush her beautiful long blond hair to the side to kiss at her nape tenderly. each kiss you pressed against her skin made her chest tighten with a indescribable feeling that made her want to bawl her eyes out.

please let me go. i don’t want to unravel in front of you.

she thought, lips pursed in a tight line. “ come back to me when you’re ready, navia. i’ll be here waiting for you. “ you finally said, pressing one final kiss against her nape and let her go.

tears silently flowing down her cheeks, she nods. navia gets up, walks to the door and pauses.

she inhales and exhales to gather herself before saying, “ thank y-you for understanding, (name). “

the door opens and closes behind her.

the duelist stares blankly at the beige ceiling, mind heavy with unspoken woes she tucked away behind locked lips. “ you’ve been staring at that ceiling for a minute. can’t sleep, clorinde? “ you asked worriedly, touching her cheek with the back of your hand. she turns her head, her lilac eyes meets yours. “ i. .am afraid i can’t, mon/ma chéri/e. “ she whispers.

“ why? “

clorinde pauses.

“ i do not know. “ she lies(?), the melancholic dip in her voice causes you to frown. clorinde believes that her personal matters should not interfere with her relationship with you. however, she also knows that not being honest with you about how she feels could cause a rift between you two.

“ but, “ she faces her body towards yours and cups your cheek. her eyes softens, devotion evident in them. “even if i cannot sleep, being by your side is enough. i am grateful to spend my night with you.” with that, clorinde locks her lips with yours passionately. she tasted like expensive wine you could only get on a special occasion; addictive and rare. “ me too. “ you breathed, ghosting your hand over her bare hip.

your tongue swipes over her peach lips, asking for entrance. she gladly opens up and her tongue brushes past yours as it enters your warm cavern. heated touches and kisses quickly ignites the desire bubbling in your belly. “ j’ai envie de toi. . “ she mutters against your lips, before gracefully rolling herself on top of you. you chuckled, resting your hands on her stomach,

“ then what are you waiting for ma chérie? “

“ mona, stay in bed! your astrology stuff can wait! “

you whine, tightening your arms around her waist as she tries to squirm her way out of your hold. “ unhand me! i simply want to check to see if everything’s in place before i lay my head—“

“ we both know if you get up out of this bed, you won’t come back in! “

knowing that you’re right, she huffs, her body relaxing in your arms. if mona’s restless, she would literally run around the home to make sure everything is in the right spot and untouched then proceed to sit at her desk to “ study “.

a moment of silence fills the room.

.

.

“ mona? “

“ what is it? “

“ i never heard you speak french before. since you’re basically from fontaine, are you naturally fluent in french? you have quite the sexy accent. ”

“ ugh, obviously. i see no need to use it since i am not in— wait right this second, sexy?! must you really use that crude word to describe my manner of speech?!”she squeaks, her cheeks and ears bright red.

“ um. .yes? i’m being honest, mona. i heard that french is one of the most romantic languages in teyvat. perhaps you can try and speak some french to me while you— “

“ e-enough of your blabbering, i’m going to bed! “

j’ai envie de toi = i want you ( intimately )

mon coeur = my heart

[moriartyluver]

HEY HEY HEY!!

i absolutely loved your beauty is terror boo on Wattpad and when I found out I did tumble, I rushed over here to find you.

anyways can we please have general dating hcs for Dazai?? Thank you sm in advance please marry me

A/N: thank you for your request nonnie! Took me a while to do this so I’m sorry

Character(s) :Dazai Osamu x reader

Format: headcannons

Genre: fluff

Prompt: general dating hcs

Warnings: general Dazai behaviour. Might be OOC

• Dazai Osamu was a strange man. Nobody knew what was going on inside that strange head of his. Not even his family or friends.

•I'd imagine you would meet him while attempting to commit suicide, hopefully trying to stop him. He's definitely like you since you had met.

•I think if he truly liked someone romantically, he's definitely be a bit shy about it and although he'd rather be more than friends, he's happy to be there for you.

•once you realised you liked him, you'd probably start realising that he didn't treat you the same way he did other people.

•Dazai would be scared of getting too attached to you. He knows that one day, everyone will leave. Nobody stays forever and he'd rather not witness you leaving him.

•he's already lost odasaku, I think he'd be really upset about possibly losing you too.

•he'd be desperate to impress you though. As soon as you'd walk into the agency's office, hems stop clowning around and show off his deep and amazing concentration skills.

•he'd also magically have money for food whenever you would be hungry with him.

•(he defo stole it from kunikida though.)

•He'd probably have planned out a very nice confession. If you're into mind games, he'd definitely have you go on a scavenger hunt of some sort but that's just what he had planned

•i think that he wouldn't actually do a fancy confession in the moment.

•ANGRYYY CONFESSIOONNNNSSS

•I love angry confessions.

•He'd definitely get upset about you doing something and there would be a small argument between the two of you and then you'd pull the "why do you even care?" Card.

•he'd be a bit surprised you had said that, seeing as you had a pretty good friendship. He'd say exactly that.

“-But you're willing to betray your friends. Why cant you just let me do this one thing-"

"-Because I love you!"

•(squealing)

•he'd go on a rant about how much he wants you with him but he's scared about what could happen to you.

•as much as he is smart, he doesn't expect you to feel the same.

•so when you meet his lips with yours, naturally he's very surprised.

•as for actual dating headcannons-

•wouldn't really flirt with anyone after you got with him. Actually, when he realised he liked you, you noticed that he had slowly stopped flirting with random women and asking for them to join him in a double suicide.

•the Ada isn't surprised. Everyone knew dazai liked you and they were relieved that you finally knew too.

•if you're a calm and responsible person, everyone's glad that dazai has you to keep him in check. I think he'd be more into that kind of person to be honest.

•they'd probably be a bit like "him?! Fr?!" Especially kunikida. Every time dazai does something stupid, kunikida goes to you and is like "how tf do you cope with that man? You need him on a leash"

• if you're a bit more extroverted and chaotic, Dazai wouldn't mind at all. He liked having someone with more energy than him. No matter how you're like, he will love you no matter what. The ADA and everyone else thinks you're a match made in hell.

•I feel like dazai wouldn't move in straight away but he'd have this thing where he'd use every excuse in the book to go to your place and cuddle with you before you fall asleep in his arms, before the two of you eventually decide to move in together.

•and it was unexpectedly expected.

•this man is a HOG. He is the worst roommate eveerrr.

•you'd be tidying up after him so often omg.

•living with him is fun though because he's quite a playful partner to be honest.

•teenage girl type of slumber parties, pillow forts, tickle fights. You name it, he'll do it.

•if you ever share a bed, he'll stretch out so much while you sleep that you tumble out of bed and wake up to hitting the cold ground.

•yet somehow, when you wake up, it's impossible to pull yourself away from his grasp.

•DATE IDEAS

• library dates. Definitely.

•imagine shopping at a supermarket with dazai. It'd honestly be so fun.

•coffee dates.

•he'd sometimes just be like "yo you wanna go out?" And you and him would just walk around Yokohama, exploring for a few hours straight.

•icecream dates. He definitely is a massive icecream fan.

• He's very affectionate in both private and public. The former is a lot more intimate and vulnerable though.

•sometimes dazai would just plop himself down onto your lap while you try working in the office.

•kunikida has tried to pry him away from you multiple times so you don't keep getting distracted by the brunette who would be hugging onto you like a koala and just mumbling on about his day while hiding his face in the crook of your neck.

•he also will hug you when he sees you, no matter where. That's just how he greets you. Also would give you gentlemanly hand kisses and kiss your forehead.

•if he ever gets jealous, he'll probably hug you by the waist and glare at the man or woman who seemed to be looking a bit too long and hard at you.

•he liked kissing you at the most random times just to see your adorable surprised expressions.

•in private, he is alot more affectionate. People like to say he'd be really handsy public and although I don't think he'd be shy to show how much he loves you, he's a gentleman who wouldnt just make out with you in the office of the detective agency in front of everyone

•as I was saying, in private hes a lot more vulnerable when he shows his affection. Whether it's hugging you from behind while you make breakfast or letting you kiss his scars underneath his bandages.

•he loves you alot and if anything ever happened to you, he'd be so mad. He'd get thorough revenge and everything.

•please give this man the love he deserves.  Idc what he does I love him

[tmwcs]

Hey! Its my first time sending an ask hehe~ I just wanted to say that you’re such an amazing writer and your series are just sooooo good!!! 😍😍😍 I started getting into your account when I came across the smau for MRE and HHP and I gotta say, you got me hooked so bad onto Heethan that I end up loving all your Hee-leads so far! I’m so invested in HHP, SE7EN, DT and now TO! I’m honestly so excited to read a new chapter everytime you post hahaha! 🤭🤭

The main reason I wanted to send you this is cuz I’ve been having super stressful and bad days these past few days and its mainly cuz its my final year in college, final semester and final week actually 😅 and there’s just like sooo many final preparations needed to be done for my big final year project (having my big presentation today! soooo nervous) and its just been too much and too overwhelming for me and I didn’t wanna bother anyone with my anxiousness so I’ve been keeping it all to myself and having slight panic attacks and just started having random breakdowns as I complete my assignments. Reading your series, whether its new chapters or just rereading older ones have given me comfort, like I really felt alone but its like Heethan, Heelel and the Heebros have become my comfort characters. It’s just been so overwhelming for me and I didn’t wanna bother my family with it, I only have one other friend that I trust with my whole life but rarely see her, we’re all busy and I just felt like I’m falling behind in everything. Even though the Hee-leads might be like crazy obsessed with the reader, its like I really needed them in my life just to have someone to drop everything just to hold and comfort me anytime life becomes too much for me. I’m actually crying while writing this to you hahaha… it just feels like everyone around me is moving so fast and I’m stuck at the back picking myself up just because I feel so overwhelmed and anxious easily. Turning 20 this year is another thing that has me feeling afraid of adulthood, my mum is pressuring me into getting a job immediately once I graduate but I just feel like I’m not ready, or I’m just not ready to give up my teenage freedom and socialise professionally. Being such an introvert and shy and always thinking I’m just dumb and cant do work without help has been holding me back from wanting to grow and enjoy this new chapter in life.

So sorry for this long ass rant but i just really needed to let you know how much your stories, your Hee-leads have been keeping me going. Excited for the next chapters of your series! Hope you’re having a great day❣️

Omg so....I LOVE THIS.....this is so heartwarming and thank you for sharing it with me. Also, thank you for discovering my blog so you can write this to me, bc as you may have figured, receiving asks are just....its so nice. its a nice and wonderful surprise to hear from readers interesting in my work, wanting to know more about the characters and so forth. I am just beyond touched that heethan, heelel, and heebrows have made their way into your heart and to provide you comfort. in fact, reading your message had reminded me of a piece that i had started to draft (it was originally supposed to be a part of one of the HHP chapters but i never went through with it) but i still had it in my folders so after i finished reading your message, I decided to go back and actually finish it and format it specifically for you as y/n. I hope you like it. <3

Heeseung's Message.....

MDNI18+ content below the line.

Warnings: mentions of losing loved ones, fears and worries about the future, smut, car smut, unprotected smut, some....just some sadness....its a very heartwarming and touching piece.

"What's wrong baby?"

Noting how silent you were in the car, right after he picked you up, Heeseung rubbed your thigh, gently shifting your skirt upwards as he softly slid his hand up and down, enveloping you with warmth and comfort. "Something on your mind pretty baby?"

Placing your hand on his, you grabbed hold semi-tightly, keeping your gaze out at the window. You were hesitant at first, noting that Heeseung had a busy schedule of his own, was on his way of finishing his last year in college, aiding his professors, and of course, there was you....picking you up from classes, dropping you off every morning, taking you wherever you needed to go. You appreciated it but the man had completely devoted his time to everything else, you felt it selfish to bring any matters up to him....feeling that whatever time he did have left within the evening, he should at least have it for himself.

"It's nothing." You sighed out.

Glancing over to you, he furrowed his brows and quickly shifted the wheel, stirring the car over to a nearby parking lot on one of the campus buildings.

"What are you....?" raising up in your seat, you looked around before turning your gaze over to Heeseung, who steered the wheel with one hand and in a smooth motion, parked the car. Unbuckling his seatbelt, his gaze meets with yours before he reaches up and places his hand behind your head, softly grabbing onto your hair as he leans in and rests his forehead against yours.

"Whats wrong? Did something happen? Did someone hurt you? I wanna know. Tell me, y/n."

His eyes were wide and his expression was fierce with rage, however, before he further ventured off into a spiraling path of unhinged presumptions, you reached up and latched your fingers onto his collar, placing a dainty kiss on his lips. "Its not that....I promise nothing like that happened."

Raising his brows and tilting his head, he releases the gentle grip he had on your hair, and replaced it with a soft, petting motion. "Then why are you being so quiet? You seem upset, what is it?"

Looking down at the console for just a second, you raise your sights once more to meet his and began talking.

".....Are you ever scared about the future, Heeseung?"

His face was taken slightly aback as he raised both brows and looked at you with an intent look.

"Is that what this is about? Are you feeling overwhelmed about moving?"

Shaking your head, you looked down once more as you shyly clarified. "Nooo.....its not just that....its more..."

"Like what baby?"

"Like....after the moving.....finishing college, being in an unfamiliar country, not knowing anybody, making new friends, meeting your family, being apart from mine, learning a new language, finding a job after college, and what if I have to do more college? Or ...." pausing, you caught yourself drifting in verbal thought.

"Or....?" He draws out as he bids you to finish your statement.

"Or........what if....what if something happens and we........you know.....what if we just...."

Squinting his eyes slightly, his expression looked a little irked as he rolled his tongue in his mouth. "That's never going to happen y/n. You know that."

"Yeah but....."

"But what?" Slightly annoyed, he closed his eyes for a second, tilted his chin down, and lifted his lids to expose a rather stern and rather angry look. Yet the moment he saw that your eyes began to glisten, shining like diamonds as the tears started to build up, you looked down once more, unable to look him square in the eye as you felt the first tear break free and drip down on the leather padding of the console.

Watching as you faintly sobbed, he nearly felt his heart break into two. He gasped out a faint breath as he reached over with his other hand and cupped your face, no longer expressing a look of annoyance.

"Hey......why? What's making you think that way? Am I not showing you enough love? You know whatever it is you want, all you have to do is tell me and I'll make it happen."

"Its not that i just........there's just some things we can't predict about the future Heeseung......what if some day......what if you stop loving me......or worse.....what if something happens and I no longer have you? What if....just.......you never know.....is it wrong for me to hope for the best, but expect the worse? Because...you know that life can be so unfair some times....and I....I....I'm scared because....I dont even know....what I'm scared of sometimes. I wake up every single morning not even knowing how to live life because there's so many things that I think about....so many things that are thrown at me all at once and I just.....I feel like sometimes......I might fail......I feel like sometimes.....I will let you down.......I feel like its not the world, its me.........its me that's broken, not you or anyone else."

You gasped out tears and soft cries as you spoke straight from the heart. For the first time, Heeseung had sincerely considered if going to Korea was the best option, at least just for a second before he reminded himself of the future that he had waiting for him.....a future that would allow him to continue to keep you....safe....and with him.

Shifting his sights around on the floor bed of the car, his thumbs stroke your cheeks, wiping away the continuous flow of tears that were now coming down harder than before. Gulping down a hard swallow, he turns back to face you.

"Baby.........look at me....please look at me."

Looking up into his gaze, your eyes red, swollen, with eyelashes drenched and your face stained with wet trails of all your fears leaving their mark. With a soft smile, he calmly speaks.

"You're right.....that is tough. There's a lot that we can't control in the future....its precarious, and we're literally just pawns on the board of this silly game called life, where God and the universe are taking turns making each move. It can be cruel, unfair, and tormenting. Its something that we can either overcome with great strife and hard work."

"But what happens if we work so hard and it.....it just doesnt work out? What if everything just falls apart Heeseung?"

"We wont know unless it happens y/n......the thing about the future, as much as we want it here in the present, so we can see and view what it has in store for us, thats....just not the way it works. That's not the way we work....we're not designed to know those things. We didn't become strong because we cheated, we became strong and survived because we, as humans, learned....the hard way."

Looking into his eyes, your vision started to become blurry all over as the next set of tears built up. Smiling as he continued to wipe your tears away, he continues.

"Y/n....for thousands of years, people have fallen, lost, and suffered at the creativity of the universe. Yet we never gave up......people had an urge to survive. Which is why at times, even when the entire world was on fire, times where a soldier never comes home, a woman loses her child, or when a doctor just doesnt have a cure.....we keep moving....we get back up and learn how to walk again. I can't sit here and tell you that I know that everything is going to be great.....I dont know. But what I do know.....is this...."

Shifting his hands down to your waist, he lifts you with his core strength as his abdominal muscles flexed under his shirt. Bringing you over onto his lap, he sat you down in a princess style as he cradled you against his chest.

"No matter what happens....I'm going to be there. I'm going to be there and I'm going to help you, just like you're going to help me. I'll never let anything happen to you....and.....you never have to worry about me not loving you .....noooooooo pretty baby......that's never going to happen, not loving you would be the worst offense against Heaven and humanity. As far as if anything were to happen to me...."

The moment Heeseung touched on that part of the subject, you sobbed uncontrollably against his neck.

"Heeeeeey, come on now. Nothing's even happen, why are you acting like that's a for sure thing?" he chuckles out as he kisses your forehead. "Listen..." Taking your hand in his, he continues.

"I'm not going anywhere......I'm not. I know this because I know what is living for me......you. I will never abandon you. Even if something did happen, you know i'm always going to be with you. You know how?"

Shaking your head, he brushes your hair away from your face.

"Moments like this baby. Every time we talk, touch, feel each other, love, eat, sleep, kiss, and when I fuck your brains out...." gripping onto your waist tightly, he presses his forehead against your own once more. "All the things we do, they never leave. So.......if there is ever a time where I am not physically here......you're always going to remember how i feel..." gliding his hand from your waist, he reaches down and gently trails it upwards under your skirt, his fingers reaching into your panties.

"You're going to remember my touch..." kissing your neck, he latches his mouth onto your soft spot under your ear, and rings the tip of his tongue around in slow circular motions.

"You're going to remember my scent...." with his free hand, he reaches behind your head and gently pushes your face inward, causing your nose to become burrowed in his thatch of dark long, shaggy hair, inhaling the scent of his cool-mint cologne and his shampoo.

"You'll also remember what I taste like...." placing a soft peck on the spot he was sucking on, he tilts his head up slightly and brings your head down to kiss him.

"And best of all......pretty baby.......you're going to remember what it feels like when I fuck you......when I love you." Shifting your body to face forward, your back completely spooned by his chest and groin as you both remained seated in the drivers side, he spreads your legs open by pushing our inner thighs apart. You were so caught up with the sensual four play, you hadn't realized that he tore off your panties. Unbuttoning your blouse, exposing your breasts, he shifts you up as he levels his length to align with your slit, before proceeding to enter inside you. Feeling full of his flesh, you moaned out as the overwhelming sense of pleasure hits you........taking you away from the abysmal depths of your fears and worries.

Steadying you in a reverse cowgirl position, filing you, his cock melts inside you as he begins thrusting slow and steady, picking up the pace as your walls become more moist.

"You feel me pretty baby?"

"Y-yes!"

"Yeah? You gonna remember me forever?"

"Y-yes...yes! He-Heeseung!"

"You gonna remember what this feels like?"

"Yes!"

"What does it feel like baby? Tell me."

"F-f......fe-feels......ssss......goood......soo....soo.goood....ugh!"

"Harder or faster baby?"

"ugh! both! please both!"

Thrusting repeatedly, your body falls limp as he holds you upright, with one arm wrapped around your waist, and his other hand shifting a grip between your neck and your exposed breast, he muffles your moans and screams with his mouth as he swallows every single bit of your precious tones.

"Gonna cum for me?"

"Y-ye.....yes!...yes.......ugh! He-Heeseung!"

"Yeah? You gonna cum because you're a good girl?"

"Mmm!mmmmmm....mmmhmmm!....ugh!"

"You my good girl?"

"Y....yes!!"

"Yeah you are.......now fucking cum on me. Let me feel it."

Adding more depth to each thrust, you gasped out your screams of pleasure as he rams his cock deep inside, separating new found walls and extracting the moisture out of your body. Reaching orgasm and releasing all over his member, your thighs shake relentlessly.

"Good girl.....my turn."

Cupping your lower tummy, he pushes in and feels his thick length as it slides in and out, he found it amusing how your sensitive body could take him like this, especially feeling it inside you as he was doing right now. Jacking his member deep inside you at a rapid and hard momentum, he finally reaches his moment and with one last punctured thrust, he bucks his hips upward as he shoves you down, mashing your bodies together as he releases inside and fills your body up.

Pulling your head back as he latches his mouth on your neck yet again, suckling as your body bounces rigorously from the tenacity of his performance.

Feeling the pleasure of his tainted love, you somehow were to understand his message clearly, all due to Heeseung extracting you from your fears......which he had done before, back when Samuel sent you his email......back when you and Heeseung came together for the first time.....the start of your guys story. Just as he did back then, he helped you to understand, that the reality of what life gives, is never necessarily the ending to your story. The more he kept pumping into you, the more you were reminded of that clarity. Yea sure, you still felt scared, but knowing that if at first you dont succeed....reach happiness.....or if things just dont work out, you can and should always, try-try again. A lesson you were always reminded of, all thanks to Heethan.

Authors note: Lol, sooooooo...yeah this original draft did have some smut....and i was going to take it out but it was too crucial for me to do so. I hope you dont mind that. But, this chapter was originally drafted, back a few months ago. I had this thought in my head, since I have only taken a few college courses, and am about to start back up on it, I was feeling so dreadful and felt too nervous about doing well. I want to succeed in reaching my educational goals....but what also kind of bugged me was....will i still find time to write? I love writing, truly do. Mainly because it brings other people joy and brings out their most inner feelings. I had so much on my mind that time that i had began drafting this, but as i was writing it, i left it unfinished bc honestly, when i drafted heethan's message.....literally its like his voice was telling me what to write....i felt better. like it was a nice little reminder....realistic...very rational....and honest...but still positive and holds truth. there's a lot of things we can't control, but we should never give up. Its okay to be scared and to worry, that's natural, and that is exactly why people such as myself are here, writing these chapters and stories for you all because i know that there is such a thing called 'life' and sometimes....we just need a break from it to refresh ourselves. I know you have alot on your plate, but dont worry because everything will be more than fine. We have to pace ourselves, work hard, but also rest, and play from time to time. Eat and drink well, and finish strong. finish college, work with your mother and teach her to work with you, if you dont get the job you really want, no big deal. no matter what job you get, if its one you dont want, nothing lasts forever. just think that whatever you do now, it is only making you more marketable for the dream goal you have. I hope you continue strong because while you do have alot on your plate, you've been slaying....you've been killing it! and that's a major accomplishment in itself, last of year of college? woohoo! finish strong!

So now i should apologize for responding with the longest post ever lol. but i really hope this makes you feel better. Reading your message had reminded me of this piece and i am so glad you sent it to me because....looking at it now...and actually finishing it......this was something that was meant to be published and shared. bc it holds an important message for all of us. <3

Enjoyed this piece? Show love and treat your girl to a cup of coffee. ♥️ 

☕ Ko-fi: ko-fi.com/reinbow

[gh0st-0f-luke]

Cat OMGOMGOMGGGG I am pretty sure lxc in "whether i’m gonna flip you off or pull you into the closet, i haven’t decided yet" was either observing this all happen and shipping wangxian in his heart or he's trying to save his bro and wwx from lqr for a bit more because the summary made it seem like this is all the compiled EVIDENCE against wangxian's sordid affair LMAO!! Also the fact results were INCONCLUSIVE ahahaha omg i cant stop laughing! as if the fic itself wasnt a hilarious masterpiece there's this lil detail... istg if i die laughing its your fault (compliment). There's a reason youre my fave crackfic writer everrrr. Thank you for writing another fic in this format and giving me more content of wwx who emails like the blog follower wwx in your other fic omgg! these both fics are competing for the spot of BEST CRACKFIC in my heart and i cant choose omg!!😍🥺🔥

P.S. please tell me anything and everything you wish to tell me about this fic including things you wanted to write that didnt fit in the fic, any behind the scenes stuff...anything aaahhh i am obsessed 🥺

P.P.S. I repeat, they fucked in that closet and more than once and i think atp everyone in the company knows but either stfu out of second-hand embarrassment or because it was TMI and theyre still scarred for life after waking in on this...or they ship wangxian and are glad for this...

Thanks again omg i love your crackfics so much youre an absolute crack/chatfic god! Have a spectacular rest of the week for all the happiness you brought this lowly one on period day 1!

LOL yes this is all the emails and slack messages relevant to their relationship that could be collected as evidence (personal texts and stuff outside of work was not admissible) and since lwj is in charge of HR this was escalated to lan xichen as vice president but luckily for wangxian he is either just totally blind to what is happening or (more likely) he is rooting for them hahahahaha so it’s kind of a cover-up but also…plausible deniability yk?

thank you so much <3333 i’ve been on such an epistolary kick these last few months hahahaha i kinda have an idea for a tgcf epistolary fic next but i’ll have to wait and see if any more wangxian ideas spark my fancy

p.s. idk!!??‽! suddenly there are no thoughts in my head lolol but i feel like the juniors def have a secret text gc off slack where they gossip about wangxian and i was considering doing like a second chapter with transcripts of interviews of various coworkers on whether they think wangxian broke any hr policies so the juniors would def have smth to say LOL or maybe a chapter with some bonus texts that are not admissible as part of the case file so they were discounted! but i’m tired after writing this fic so it won’t happen tooooo soon hahahaha just if i get inspired! i’m not sure if i would write what happens after the end of the fic bc to me it’s kinda fun how open-ended it is given that it’s a case file but never say never i suppose

p.p.s. they were absolutely using the supply closet for unprofessional purposes i fear but we’ll hope they were at least discreet about it

i hope u have a wonderful day as well!!!! i hope u survive ur period </3 and thank you <33333

[nogenderbee]

REQUESTS ARE OPEN AGAIN??! YIPPEE OKAY LETS SEE!! Also its none other than 💫anon hehe

Okay so i had this idea, can you maybe do Tsukasa (and maybe Mizuki but like seperately) x reader and like the reader identifies as non-binary but they have a feminine appearance and they are comfortable looking that way but they're sometimes worried that their identity wont be validated unless they look the park?? If that makes any sense. I know this is oddly specific but its just like a thing i have going on💀

Also as always, bonus points for physical affection like lots of it because istg you cant look at Tsukasa and tell me he's not huggable and kissable bro (same goes for Mizuki i love them but like T S U K A S A)

You'll definitely see me again when i come up with more request ideas hehe >:DD

Anyways no rush take your time and maybe like a fic format if that works for you

Omg, hello 💫 anon again! I hear you and I think I could got that, plus fic format is not a problem for me! Also Tsukasa and Mizuki are both so so SOOOO huggable and all!! I made sure to contain there some physical affection for you so I hope you enjoy~

Tsukasa, Mizuki comfort non-binary!reader

TagList: @alicewinterway18 @bleachtheidiot - come get your future star!

@no1mizukifan - come get your cute animator~

Today was one of those days when you were insecure about your appearance again... but not in like a way you'd hate your appearance, in fact you were really comfortable with it. It's just that many people used to "forget" about your true identity because of how feminine you look.

Today many classmates mixed up your pronouns even after you corrected them so no wonder you've been in worse spirits, which your boyfriend immediately picked on and decided to ask you about it.

"My star, are you alright? You seem to shine a little less today. Did something happened?"

At first you weren't sure if you should tell him about what was troubling you but after he started to rub back of your hand in comforting way, you kind of let it all out. You didn't even noticed when his arms wrapped around you.

"My star, please listen to what I want to say... If you're comfortable the way you are, you shouldn't change it. It doesn't matter if you look that way or another because your identity still will be the same and if someone doesn't get it, I'll be there to help you out! You just have to call me and I promise I'll run there!"

After that you stayed in that position for a while. Tsukasa had his both arms wrapped around you and one slowly rubs your back. Even if you started crying he let you his shoulder while still saying comfort words.

And he kept his promise, he was always there to remind anyone your true pronouns and identity, it doesn't matter if someone your age or adult made that mistake, he always was ready to jump into conversation and remind the other person that they should use correct pronouns for you and he'll even fight over your honor if needed but not in like physical way, he simply had a conversation with them and wouldn't stop unless they realize their mistake.

"Why can't people understand that appearance≠identity?" That's the question you were constantly asking yourself today. Everyone, even people who knew well about your real identity seemed to have forgotten who you really are, so no wonder you've been in worse spirits lately this day. Sure, you may have tried to mask it but your partner noticed it either way.

That's why, when the two of you were hanging out, they asked you if you had worse day today and if something happened.

"Hey YN, are you feeling alright today? Did something happened or are you just tired? Don't tell me you pulled an all nighter..."

They looked at you with their worried look and that's when you felt you can't hide it from them so you explained everything. And once you started, they immediately put their arm around you while gently rubbing your back.

"Ah, those people! Hey, it doesn't matter if you look feminine or not because you're still you! And if you feel comfortable the way you are then you shouldn't change anything. It's their problem if they can't appreciate amazing person like you! But if you need, I can always talk with them?"

If you agree on them talking to your friends then they won't give up untill they'll make their point but it's really up to your friends if this will work or not since they will go as far as they can't but they won't threaten someone to use the right pronouns.

But after your confession, Mizuki keeps rubbing your back and even starts gently rubbing your cheek with their thumb while saying comforting words. They also suggest you have a gallery date to try some clothes and maybe get your mind off this day.

❉⊱•═•⊰❉⊱•═•⊰❉⊱•═•⊰❉⊱•═•⊰❉⊱•═•⊰❉⊱•═•⊰❉

[mahalsuya]

meeting filipino! iwaizumi's family scenario/headcanon

- filipino! iwaizumi pt. 2! gn! reader

- this one is for my loves @jesus-christ-super-ace and @nanaomiomi ! i've been wanting to write this one since the first part an they only urged me to do it more (thankfully)

- this will be written in headcanon format bc it's the only way i really know how to write these things but enjoy babes!

(lemme fangirl over this gif for a sec) WHY CANT HE BE REAL </3

okay moving on. you haven’t met the filipino side of iwa’s family yet, and he invited you over for his mom’s birthday.

referencing back to pt. 1, his family already knows he has an s/o.

everyone wants to meet the person that won kuya haji’s heart.

he decides to pick you up so you arrive together.

tita: “jowa mo yan haji?” (auntie: is that your s/o haji?)

iwa: “opo tita” (yes auntie)

tita: “ANG GANDA/GUAPO SIYA SEUS SUERTE KA TALAGA HAJI” (THEY'RE SO PRETTY/HANDSOME JESUS YOU'RE SO LUCKY HAJI)

they’d def call you anak despite just meeting you LMAO. (anak is a name parents/older family call their children.)

when meeting his mom, you bring her a gift and call her tita.

“thank you anak! pero call me nanay. ay! hajime! ang cute yung jowa mo!!” (thank you dear! but call me mom. oh! hajime! you're s/o is so cute!!)

iwa is so proud the entire time while lightly blushing and you’re RED AS A TOMATO

cue the mano po to his lola (grandma), lolo (grandpa), and elder family members. (mano po is a gesture done by younger family towards older family for respect.)

you win points from them for being so respectful

omg his little cousins would call you ate/kuya right off the bat. (kind of like san and kun but used for older cousins/siblings in the family. ate is for girls, and kuya for boys.)

you’d get excited over all the filipino food while iwa puts food on your plate for you (heart throb talaga sha) and you guys sit at a table.

you steal his eggrolls and he'll steal spoonfuls of rice and ulam and the family would be kilig. (ulam is food eaten with rice and kilig is like a giddy feeling towards romance.)

all his titos (uncles), titas (aunties), mom, and dad would bombard you with so many questions about school, your guys' relationship, and about your own pinoy family.

you're super nervous because WE ALL KNOW how judgmental filipinos can be at times.

dw tho! they love your personality; much to your relief.

after all the questioning, you and hajime play with the younger children.

he would let them hang onto his arms while he swings them pls. and you'd give them piggyback rides.

you'll all play outdoor games.

if there was a crying baby, you and iwa would try to put them to sleep and they def look like your child.

cue the "eeeeee" and "ooohhhhh" from LITERALLY EVERYONE.

talking to you tita baby.

literally makes you blush so hard and you both become so flustered; iwa is just looking away like "stop pls"

they tease him more for how he acts.

AFTER THAT, it's time for karaoke 🤪🤪

i feel like iwa will be a good singer. like he can sing good but not extravagantly. BUT STILL GOOD YK???

you'd let tito sing "total eclipse of the heart" first and they'd want you two to do a duet.

if you don't want to, iwaizumi will assure you it's okay and he'll sit out and watch everyone with you.

BUT NAH HE AIN'T GETTING OUT OF IT YOU'RE MAKING HIM SING.

"HOY HAJIME KANTAHIN KA PARA SA JOWA MO" (HEY HAJIME SING FOR YOUR S/O)

KILIGGGG (they do that a lot)

now he can't escape. he's going to make you pay by serenading you with a love song.

he'll choose something sappy like "kahit maputi na ang buhok ko" by rey valera (reference to last post) or "with a smile" by eraserheads.

THE COMMENTS FROM HIS FAMILY ARE SO FUNNY AND THEY TEASE YOU TWO SO MUCH

proud smirk on his face. (and when they aren't looking, he'll kiss your forehead.)

if you do duet, you guys would duet something lowk throwback like "halik" by aegis or "my way" by frank sinatra.

whether you sing more or not, haji will just discreetly snuggle with you on the couch to avoid the teasing while everyone else sings.

LINE DACING TOGETHER PLS-

singing both maligayang bati and happy birthday when his mom blows the candles.

you'll share a slice of cake and you'll try to feed him but he refuses because HE DOESNT WANT TITA TO KILIG AGAIN

but he'll give in ONCE bc you're his love but call you an idiot/dumbass and look away

when it's time to leave everyone's like "bye anak come back soon!"

when he asks for their opinion of you, they think you're an amazing person, already count you as a part of the family, and 100% approve of you as haji's jowa.

they also say he's fallen hard for you.

and he agreed with them <3

aoba johsai masterlist

[kyovtani]

ASKS

hey babies! i’ve decided to answer the asks about back to life one and two like this because ive received so so so many and you guys blew me away so answering every single one of them is the least i can do to show you guys just how grateful i am. thank you so much for giving both parts SO much love, i love and appreciate you guys and the support you’re constantly sending my way with my whole entire heart <33

BYE THE FIC IS SO GOOD SO FAR. MY ANXIETY THO FROM THE ENDING, LIKE PLS KYO REALIZE THE MCS ANXIETY PLS DONT GO OUT WITH SORA PLEASE PLEASE HE SEEN HOW SHE DIDNT LOOK OKAY WHEN HE CAME IN PLEASE REALIZE HER ANXIETY PLEASE

– THANK YOU SO SO MUCH BABY !! this was the very first ask about back to life and it’s honestly the cutest thing ever! I hc Kyoutani to be rally understanding of things like anxiety and depression, generally mental health so that’s why it was easy for him to understand the reader’s situation and mindset! 

BACK TO LIFE!!!!!!!! MY HEART!!!!!?! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SO GOOD!!!!! i was really excited when you started posting about it!! i can't wait for part 2, i wanna know how they fix this!

AAAH !! thank you so much for the love and support baby!!!! I really hope you enjoyed part 2 just as much, sending you lots of smooches MWAH

OH MY GOD THE KYO FIC IS AMAZING

THANK YOU SO MUCH BABY !!!!! 

OH MY GOD YOUR KYOUTANI FIC HAS ME ACTUALLY FROTHING I LOVE IT SM

IM NOT KIDDING WHEN I SAY THAT MY JAW ACTUALLY DROPPED AT THE LAST COUPLE PARAGRAPHS AS WELL I CANT WAIT FOR PART 2

AAAH YOU GUYS !!! this made me so happy !!! thank you so much and I hope part two met your expectations and you enjoyed the ending MWAH!! 

HOLY FUCK THAT KYOUTANI FIC WHEW IT WAS SO SO GOOD IM SO EXCITED FOR PART 2

thank you for the food <33

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE LOVE AND SUPPORT BABY !!!

YOUR KYOTANI FIC AHHHHHHH my heart can’t handle this

I AM SO GLAD YOU ENJOYED IT BABY !!!

OW THE END ON BACK TO LIFE HURTED THOUGH GDFGHJDFHJRY

Was overwhelmed by the hurty that I forgot to say how much I ADORE your characterization of Kyoutani. fdjkhgjkgdr

THANK YOU SO MUCH !! honestly- that means the world to me, probably the best compliment you can give me :((

Back to life was so good OMG 😳😳 HELLO??? You're amazing

Thank you so much, my love! it honestly is everything to me when you guys tell me such sweet things I love you so much MWAH!!

the new fic did not help me with my insecurities now i’m just frustrated and insecure. great writing tho.

honestly- same. when I wrote this, I lit indulgent every bit of my mind working into this fic and thats why it means so much to me ?? so youre not alone, my love; but thank you so much <33

The way I panicked at the end of the fic thinking there wasn’t gonna be more to it, holy shi that fox was so good I almost cried thinking they were just gonna end things like that 🥺🥺🥺🥺

I’d NEVER end a fic like that- I hate bad endings and cannot stand cliffhangers but the formatting didn't give me another choice im sorry for the heart attack baby kfhflashsj but am glad you liked it!

@au-roraaa said: ZADE I WAS NEVER A KYO FUCKER BUT I THINK YOUVE CONVERTED ME HOLY FUCKSJFJSJDJSN

THIS IS MY JOB AT THIS POINT I WANT YOU ALL TO TURN INTO KYOU FUCKERS KSSSOH 

UR THE BEST WRITER WTF?? WHEN DO U THINK PART TWO WOULD BE UP... and does kyoutani flirt with sora 😣💔

YOU GUYS- NOOO- pls my heart made a loop :(( I love you so much :(( thank you baby and I think now you know what he does with sora MWAH

@kawakuto said: hi hi zade!🤩 (ajdjs idk if you remember me but i moved main blogs and I was @/gukooky before LOL) THE KYOUTANI FIC ANDJWNS I DIDNT EXPECT THE END WAHHHH🥺🥺 it was so well written omg I loved it!! (wtf kyoutani, you said we were going slow what if I wasn’t ready to call u my boyfriend wtffff😔😔 pain.)

AAAAH OFC I DO REMMEBER !! hope youre doing well baby !!! and thank you SO much for your sweet words, I honestly appreciate them so much :((<33

pls I’m in love with your writing. You write kyoutani so well so now I’ll always be grabbing at any crumbs you send my way 🥵

thank you so so so much baby!!!! these kinda words always hit me right at the heart, I appreciate them so much and I love you sm much

bb i love ur kyoutani fic sm :(( ur rlly so talented <33 i look forward to pt 2 ^3^

thank you so much baby, sending a smooch your way mwah 

zade that kyoutani piece im in so much pain why would u do this to me 💔💔💔💔

believe me when I say It hurt me even more than you </3

I just finished reading part 2 and it waS SO GOODAJSFHJLFG you did amazing!! (n˘v˘•)¬

THANK YOU SO MUCH BABY !!!

Hi! New nonnie coming through :) First time I'm writing something because I'm such a nervous wreck but I just had to

THE FIC WAS SO GOOD THE VIBES ARE CHEFS KISS. IT WAS SO GOOD I LITERALLY DROOLED I CAN NOT GET OVER IT !

Mister kyotani pls rail me thanks 🐱

THANK YOU AAAH YOURE SO CUTE !!! I truly appreciate this with my whole entire heart so thank you so much baby, hope you have a good one mwah

Wait did he do anything with Sora?

nope!! they just went to the party together but in my mind he didn’t even hug her and she didn’t try anything else, too, simply bc she knew how in love he is with reader!!

YOUR MINDDDDD!! THE KYOU FIC WAS SOOOO GOOOD!! Omg i hope you do a part 3 😭😭

i have a Little sequel which is really really soft but I'd love to write some more for it! 

@soranihimawari said: Part 1 & 2 with kyoutani was amazing as always Zade! I really liked the ending. This was such a fun read. I was wondering who’s else would be sharing the apartment with Kyoutani. What made you choose tattoo artist Iwa & Oikawa? Those two made me chuckle with the way they came in like that. Hope you have a great day/evening/late night/etc.

✌🏼&💜

—sora—

aaah thank you so so much, baby!! I truly appreciate your sweet words, youre the cutest! regarding your question: You shares an apartment with Iwa, Oikawa and Yahaba (who also works at the tattoo studio!) and i don't know to be really honest- I just like the thought of these three being really good friends so after contemplating whether or not to go with iwaoi or matsuhana, I ended up going with those two dorks! hope you have a good one baby mwah!!

@sakusapetals said: PLEASEE I LOVE YOUR WRITING SO MUCH

AAAH THANK YOU SO SO MUCH BABY !!! I LOVE YOU SM 

How long did it take you to write the entire two parts? Like wow that’s alot👁👄👁 i adore long fics though

oooh- hm ?? tbh i don't really know ?? I can’t remember ?? I think it took me about a month or like three weeks since I did write it all in one go yk? it was the only WIP I worked on during that time and it felt SO relieving to publish it! 

AAAHHH the kyou fic was a masterpiece bb!!! ❤️❤️

thank you so so so much baby!!<33

U LITERLALT WRIYE KYOU THE BEST ABSOLUTE BEST. he’s so aggressive and demanding but he still is willing to show someone special his vulnerability. I LOVE READING STUFF ABOUT HIM FROM U

AAAAH thank you so much- you guys have no idea how much these kinda comments mean to me- I love you so MUCH MWAH 

I just read the first part of "back to life" an it had me speechless so many times, almost cried at the end, it's honestly so well written. I'm off to read part two. Have a nice day 🐰

sdoalfsla thank you so much baby! I hope you enjoyed both parts equally as much and thank you for all the love mwah!!<3

Hana is a baddie

SHE IS!! she’s literally the baddest bitch to ever exist ft. saeko ofc but nobody acknowledges it </3

@tonhwa said: I’m in love with the way you write kyoutani pls. Even your previous fics on your old account ( if you don’t mind me mentioning it ) are so fucking amazing. GOSH YOU CHARACTERIZE HIM SO WELL AND THE PLOT IS ALWAYS SO JUICY AND INTERESTING I CANT HELP BUT GO BACK AND READ IT. and then you release this fucking wonderful piece and I feel like it’s my birthday even though it’s already passed LOL ty ily have a wonderful day I’m sobbing tears of happiness

YOU GUYS PLEASE- the fact this made me tear up when I first read it- thank you SO much honestly. knowing you guys enjoy my characterization of my favorite character is honestly everything to me so thank you sm I love you baby have a good one!!<3

I’ve been on this app from high school, and now I’m a college grad. I have to say I’ve never sent a message to anyone I’ve followed. But that tattoo artist! Kyou fic, part 1 and 2 are 😩💕 *chefs kiss* you are one of my favorite writers I’ve ever followed since joining this app. You NEVER disappoint!

-💕 a very satisfied reader

thank you so much baby!! aaah this is honestly so so sweet :(( thank you for taking the time out of your day to send me such a sweet thing, I appreciate it and you so much mwah!!

i gotta say babe THANK YOU FOR THE KYOTANI CONTENT!! muAAAAHH💞💞

NOO THANK YOU GUYS FOR GIVING IT SO MUCH LOVE MWAH!!!

i love kyoutani and he obvs deserves his dick sucked 🤧🤧 but i catch him posting up with other girls I DONT CARE THE SITUATION he gonna catch these hands for a real one 👊🏼👆🏼🤜🏼🥊🥊 kidding 😐😐😐 he’d body me

pls the way this had me chuckling like crazy bc same sajlskjpw he can get mad all he want but he better stay his pretty ass where he is- by my side  😌

[neteluvr-library]

okay im back again for my weekly reread of cardigan. anyways these next three chapters are so good and literally so fucking amazing and will never get over how good they are the dialogue is amazing and one of my favorite details EVER and i have been waiting for this moment for the last week weeks and im finally here AHHHHHHH i am excited to actually go through and leave my little notes hehehehe (not me playing around with the annotation formatting tumble is so annoying about indenting that i CANT)

It all got too much, and you lunged your body forwards and threw up on the ground next to your tent. You were panting, trying to somehow get a grasp on your mind and push the hurt aside, enough so you can see and hear the world around you.

THE VISCERAL REACTION!!!!! "I pictured you with other girls in love Then threw up on the street" 😭 100% valid reaction I would do the same thing.

FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF STAGE III: DEPRESSION

ITS GETTING GOODDDD 😭

There was a calmness to your thoughts that you haven’t felt in years, probably since your mother died.

BABY THATS THE CALM BEFORE THE STORM !!!!!!

...but if there is any chance I can have the love of my life by my side, instead, I will cling on to it for dear life.

Neteyam annoyed me so bad during this like bro omg maybe you should have said all this BEFOREEEEE it was too late 😭 men have the worst timing HE HAD PLENTY OF OPPORTUNITY DAMN IT

You were staring at the sky, noticing the bright stars you now knew were actually bright death sentences, each of them beautiful and devastating.

NO BC like...i took astronomy class in college and was proud to get this reference hahaah like it really is sad that stars are so beautiful and bring us so much comfort, yet their time is limited. i think its a perfect reflection of what atan believes her life to be

There was no going back now, you were too far down the rabbit hole to stop and why put yourself through more unnecessary pain when this will all be over in a few days anyway?

SHES DOWN BAD YOUR HONOR!!! at this point atan is just so done with life, both physically and mentally, that it literally does not matter anymore. you can tell she's given up on hope completely and is a shell of a person right now

“What the hell do you mean out? Out where? You leave without telling, you don’t come back the whole night, do you have a fucking death wish?”

MAN JAKE BETTER STFU!!!!!!! like don't piss me off . i get his concern but he better watch his tone with atan. POOR BBY IS SUFFERING AND NEEDS LOVE AND INSTEAD, ALL SHE GETS IS BETRAYAL!!!!

You made me love you and break down these carefully constructed walls so you can be comfortable and sleep well at night for not breaking your promise my mum, and then you fucking stabbed me in the back.

THATS RIGHT ATAN GET HIS ASS 😭 no but what does jake expect? that's a huge fucking betrayal and she has every right to feel as angry and hurt. like she spent the last few years guarded and to herself, and the one time atan decides to push that to the side, she is betrayed by everyone. like i get that it was neteyam's responsibility and even jake threatened him before and told neteyam he needed to to tell atan, it doesn't sit right with me that they all had her looking stupid especially when they all know just how much of a bond they had together. the second atan got her new body, both neytiri and jake should have had a serious conversation with neteyam 😭

But I want to make this perfectly clear. As far as I am concerned, you and I, we are done. I am done.” You looked at every Sully one last time, and left.

Tuk standing and wondering what the fuck did she do wrong HAHAHAHA

For the man that died on a planet far away from home, alone, with no one to mourn him.

):

Was that going to be you? Would Neteyam remember you in 20 years, when he would tell stories about his childhood to his kids, when he remembered the good old times? Would you get a Na’vi send off? Or were you going to be buried somewhere in the forest, for someone to stumble upon in a distant future you would no longer be a part of?

FIRST OFF OUCH!!!!!!! atan thinking that she is so forgettable that she even has to question whether of no neteyal would remember her. i 100% think he would without a doubt, atan would be like a mythical legand to his kids (you know, if she actually died). but also it's very sad that she has to question whether she will end up like her father because life has been so cruel to her. like woah how did her life even get to this point where there's a possibility she could relive her dad's fate despite having lived completely different lives?

“Why am I here? Great Mother, please tell me there is more to this life, there is more to life than this, because I cannot do this anymore. I am so tired. I have tried to keep going my whole life, even when I wanted nothing more than to cease to exist, blissfully collapse in an ether where I didn’t have to feel anything anymore. I kept going because I wanted to make my mum proud, I wanted to honour the body and life she has given me. I am trying so hard, but I am really fucking tired.”

THIS WHOLE LITTLE SPEECH 😭 i think everyone has thought this to themselves at one point if their lives, perhaps even their lowest point of life, because like yeah what is her purpose?? what was she meant to do? it can be so harrowing trying to figure out your purpose in life when all life wants to do is be mean to you. this was just so relatable and i love it ): I think Atan is probably the most relatable to mean than out of your other female characters ahahaha

You sat on the bed, looking at the arm that was getting blue at the amount of needle holes it had, and you knew then you didn’t have much time left.

RAW AS FUCK!!!! (literally her arm is probably raw af) but i think this was an important detail for us to visualize just how far atan is from being okay and any semblance of normal. i mentioned this another chapter, but i really do love the inclusion of atan's dependence on drugs to keep her going because its the most poignant way to showcase someone's depression and despair.

You gave it a fair shot, this life thing

AGAIN, SHES ONLY A BABY ): SHES ONLY 18!!!!!! i think at 18 i felt like i knew everything, but looking back, its still so young and its so sad because at 18 you still have so much to live for and atan just felt like she didn't ):

You peered up at yourself in the mirror and were scared at the eyes watching you, rabid and wild, like an injured animal waiting to lash out.

I always loved this line!!!! because like a wild animal, atan is just defending herself from everyone around her and her inevitable death. she's no longer herself.

“Did you know I have needed pills to sleep and to live a normal day-to-day life since I was 13?

ATAN RELEASE BACK TO BACK BOMBS ON NORM ON THIS SCENE it must have felt so good for her to get all of this off her. SHES TELLING EVERYONE OFF, because what else does she have to live for? might as well burn the bridges and die with everything being said, no matter how mean or nasty it may be.

Neteyam will not be happy until there was nothing left of you, until he took everything from you.

For some reason, this reminded me of these lyrics from You're Losing Me:

How long could we be a sad song 'Til we were too far gone to bring back to life? I gave you all my best me's, my endless empathy And all I did was bleed as I tried to be the bravest soldier

You could fill endless manuscripts with the beauty of his love, that shone so brightly over you your whole life. He was the light in all the darkness and you honestly didn’t think you would have survived this journey without him.

This was so beautiful ): their relationship is so interesting because there's such a dichotomy between them. like both of them have both painful and loving memories with each other but its like how could that be at the same time??? like i said with neteyam before, i think they both love so hard that it becomes painful which has unfortunately lead to them the mess they're in right now

“I remember. I remember even at the time, thinking this was a good metaphor for our relationship. Life kept sweeping me off my feet, but you were always there to catch me, before it could take me away. I had so much faith in you back then, you were a fact of life, like the eclipse. You were the one person in this world I thought would never hurt me.”

SCREAMING CRYING SOBBING VOMITTING I CANJNT neteyam being her rock ):

Fighting with him was ironically one of your favourite things, because you knew the aftermath was the closest you ever felt to being in heaven.

let's unpack that babygirl

“I thought that if I left, you would be ok. I just wanted to protect you. My whole life, all I have wanted was for you to be ok. But it seems no matter what I do, I keep fucking up.”

DONT PISS ME OFF NETEYAM!!!! i truly think men are very stupid and at their core....just men.n even the most dreamiest of men, like neteyam, are men. i just cant get behind his reasoning even when he explains himself with so much emotion. because like THATS the best he could come up with? like how is he both selfish and selfless at the same time? it just feels like he's so centered on himself that even in his valiant efforts, he wasn't truly thinking about atan and how this might affect her. like who are you to decide that for atan, she is capable of making her own decisions and choosing who she wants in her life. i have beef with him now LMFAO maybe you can give me some clarity

just you and me

hehehehheheheh

Like no time had passed at all. I knew then I was going to love you for the rest of my life, and that will never change. That was my fact of life, my eclipse.”

.....but you still left her.

You left me. You broke me. And you never gave me a chance to make my own decisions. To figure out for myself what was the path forward. I have NEVER blamed you for my misfortunes.

EXACTLY!!!!! i just cant wrap my head around neteyam's reasoning. i wish i had more words to describe how i feel about it but i cant actually verbalize it into a sentence.

The sight of you made whatever happiness or hope he had left dissolve and trickle down his bones, until it reached the ground where it was eventually buried, never to be seen again.

you are so poetic like i will never get over it

To know that this is what was hiding underneath, this is what you hid from all of them, made him both impossibly miserable and strikingly enraged at the same time.

Cause they see right through me They see right through me They see right through Can you see right through me?

no bc this life was so relatable to me and i felt so called out and i still feel called out because i truly feel like this sometimes. and its like atan was just so good at hiding her hurt and it makes me so sad to realize that no one know just how much she was hurting ): i know she wanted it that way but to have all of that on display for someone else to see is, again, another way to showcase just how far gone she is from her "normal" self

All you do is numb yourself down, pretend you are fine and the issues you have suffered through do not exist. Well guess fucking what, Atan? They exist. And until you deal with that pain and let it pass over you and through you, you will always take the easy way out

Neteyam gagged her omg...

What, was I supposed to find you dead one day and that was it? That was what I deserved from you, after all the blood, sweat and tears I gave you?

NO LITERALLY WHAT WAS ATAN THINKING like as much as i think neteyam is bad for leaving her, atan is even worse for not telling everyone she was dying. like it would be so traumatizing just to die and leave everything and everybody unresolved because atan was too afraid to speak the truth.

OKAY I STARTED THIS AT LIKE 6:30 AND ITS CURRENTLY 8:11 DAMN!!!!!!!!! to be fair i was going back and fourth between my phone and this and im gonna draft it until i finish the other two chapters but no way im gonna finish it all tonight especially for the next chapter LOL

Illicit Affairs | Chapter VIII: My Tears Ricochet

Pairing: Neteyam x Human/Avatar!Reader

Chapter I Chapter II Chapter III Chapter IV Chapter V Chapter VI Chapter VII Chapter IX Chapter X

Synopsis: All secrets are revealed and both you and Neteyam have to live with the consequences of your actions.

Warnings: pure angst, mentions of death, mental illness, addiction, self-injury, limited mentions of Y/N, did i mention angst, angst and more angst?

Word Count: 10,3k words (the first couple chapters were 3k, how did we get here??!)

A/N: This chapter killed me a little inside. I cried multiple times writing it, so I guess fair warning. I wanted really badly to build strong, round characters who had flaws and strengths and strong reasoning for acting a certain way/doing certain things. I wanted to write this story from both character's perspective, so it is clear that in life, each person will think they are right, that their reasoning was the correct one, when in reality, we are all a little right and a little wrong in everything we do, and it is always worth trying to see things from the other's perspective. We are coming towards the end of this first series, so I hope you enjoy this chapter and the rest of this journey. As always, thank you so much for everyone who engaged with it, I loved reading ALL of your comments and replies, they really make my day.

(Also, I feel like I am playing my own little game of "how many Taylor Swift and OG Avatar lyrics/quotes/references I can reasonably fit in a story without it being obnoxious" and I can't tell if I'm winning or not.)

I didn't have it in myself to go with grace Cause when I'd fight, you used to tell me I was brave And if I'm dead to you, why are you at the wake? Cursing my name, wishing I stayed Look at how my tears ricochet

You registered the girl asking you if you were alright, but you couldn’t see in front of you, the entire room spinning like the inside of a mirrorball. You felt your body rise from where it was sat next to Neteyam’s, and shakily made your way out. Neteyam’s mate. Neteyam’s mate was next to you, asking you if you need help. It all got too much, and you lunged your body forwards and threw up on the ground next to your tent. You were panting, trying to somehow get a grasp on your mind and push the hurt aside, enough so you can see and hear the world around you.

“I’m fine. Thank you.” you manage to blurt out weakly.

You heard more commotion, and faintly made out Jake’s voice and his arm on your shoulder, trying to bring you back to them.

“Neteyam, what the hell happened?”

You didn’t hear Neteyam speak. He was quiet and you were glad. You didn’t want to hear his voice, not now, and not for the rest of your life.

The world came back to focus eventually, and you spit aggressively trying to get rid of the taste of acid in your mouth. You removed Jake’s hand from your back, and left. The thought of speaking or even looking at any of them was too much to bear. You ran, harder than you ever had before, back to where you just came from, the Ikran nest in the village. You immediately recognised your own, beautiful, gold and white, pure, unlike the rest of this world. Neyn (light colours, shades of white)… fitting name, you thought. You made the tsaheylu quickly, and without a second thought, took off.

FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF STAGE III: DEPRESSION

You had no thoughts as you flew above the forest and made your way towards the general direction of the Hallelujah mountains. You realised you didn’t know where you were going, you didn’t know how you were going to find your way back, but it didn’t matter. Were you even going to ever return? There were no tears, no sadness, just emptiness. The pieces of your heart broke so finely they turned into dust, blown away in the wind of the night. Eventually you found the mountains, easy enough to spot, even in the darkness, the fluorescent flora marking the territory with an easy-to-see glow. You flew like this, for enough time that your lungs were running out of breath and your skin felt battered by the wind, but you kept going. You felt so free, so weightless. There was a calmness to your thoughts that you haven’t felt in years, probably since your mother died.

You saw a distant mountain that looked brighter than the others, and you made your way to it and were amazed to find a little cave in it, bright and colourful, a little piece of heaven on a planet that was heaven in and of itself. Neyn landed softly on the edge of the mountain and you dismounted effortlessly and approached her head, giving her pets on her neck, to which she cooed gently. She was the only friend you had, you realise. You were all alone.

“Neteyam, what happened?”

Neteyam was dragged in the tent by his dad, who was fuming. No matter what feelings his dad was feeling, they couldn’t compare to Neteyam’s anguish and terror. Why the hell was she there? She just had to wait another couple of hours and this would have never happened.

“She was patching my wound up when Tiongli came in the tent, announcing to the world she is my mate. Said mother told her about my injury.”

“Don’t you dare blame this on your mother, boy.” the Sully patriarch’s nose was flared, eyes looking at him intensely with anger and disappointment. Neteyam’s eyes filled with tears, and he felt his heart hurting so much like the gash was there instead of his arm.

“I was going to tell her tonight, dad. After dinner. I was going to tell her everything, and I was going to ask her to be my mate. I was going to come to you both and ask you to undo the engagement. I understand that a year and a half ago I gave up on her, I did it for a reason, I thought there was no future for us, and that we were hurting each other. But things have changed. She has changed. She’s going to be one of the people soon and I want her to be mine.”

“Neteyam, you can’t undo the engagement. You have known Tiongli your whole life, her family’s been expecting this since you were both young. You gave your word before Eywa, son.”

“I love her, dad. Do you understand that? I have loved her all of my life. It killed me having to leave, it killed me knowing there was no future, because she was human. But she’s not just human anymore. I was willing to go through with this for the sake of the village, for the sake of the family and the future, but if there is any chance I can have the love of my life by my side, instead, I will cling on to it for dear life. Mother was betrothed to uncle Tsu’tey, and she gave that up for you. It was done before Eywa, and she didn’t care. Because she loved you and she knew that was enough. She gave up being Tsahik, her birth right, so she can have you. I will not give up on her, dad. Mother wouldn’t have given up on you.”

“I have to find her. I have to make this right.”

You were sprawled on your back, feeling goosebumps form along your limbs from the cold grass. You were staring at the sky, noticing the bright stars you now knew were actually bright death sentences, each of them beautiful and devastating. Will you even still be alive when they come? Will everything you have gone through these few months matter? Will everything you have gone through in this life matter? All the pain, and the hurt, and the grief, just so you can die at 18 from a virus. The universe was cruel, you thought. It was a fitting end, though. Meaningless and daft, like your entire life was. Born on a planet you were not made to be able to survive on, your real planet a long-forsaken dream you will never experience for yourself, surrounded by nature that could kill you in an instant. Alone, never fitting anywhere, orphaned by human diseases: cancer and greed. Left to fend for yourself when you were just ten, learning to navigate a life that only seemed to want to clobber you to the ground whenever you thought you finally could stand up again.

There was no light at the end of the tunnel, not anymore. You wanted to fight for something, for the chance at life, or at retribution, or at love. You were dying and Neteyam killed whatever hope remained in you. They all did. Norm, Max, Jake, Neytiri, Lo’ak, Kiri, Spider, all accomplices, all aware, all willing to lie to your face for weeks with no remorse. You thought you were good at spotting liars, now you just knew how little you knew about everything.

The pain in your soul mirrored the one in your body, as you felt the morphine wearing off and your human body struggling to keep the mind steady for the link. You had to bear it, because this pain was more manageable than the one you knew waited for you in your human form, when you would be alone in a dark room with only your nightmares to keep you company.

With a sigh and a peer up at the sky, you hoped whatever comes after death was better than the hell you’ve lived in the majority of this life.

Neteyam waited the whole night in your tent, waited for you to come back, becoming increasingly worried as the hours passed and you didn’t show. He wanted to go and look for you, but knew that as soon as you got on your ikran, the chances of finding you were thin. He would go to the lab as soon as dawn broke, but for now, he was praying that you would just burst through the tent opening so he can talk you down.

He fucked up, badly. He cringed at the thought of how much he seemed to not be able to get anything right when it comes to you. Everything he did or didn’t do ended up hurting you more, the only thing he didn’t want, the only thing in the world he continuously tried to avoid.

He was consoled by the fact that he would have a lifetime to make it up to you. He will not give up trying, no matter how long, no matter how hard, he was determined to win you back and keep you, forever.

As you made it back to your human body in the early hours of the morning, you regretted waiting so long, as your body was in indescribable agony, the likes with which you didn’t know was possible for the human body to ever experience. Your heart was beating a mile a minute, you were sweating bullets and every bone and muscle in your body throbbed with enough intensity to make it almost impossible for you to get up from the pod. Everyone must be asleep at this hour, you thought. You had to make it to your bed, you had to get at least a couple of hours of rest if you were going to live to see another day. As if you were taking the Iknimaya again, you made your way form the lab to the medical ward and injected another dose of the morphine in your system. There was no going back now, you were too far down the rabbit hole to stop and why put yourself through more unnecessary pain when this will all be over in a few days anyway?

You crashed in your room for a few hours and quickly made your way back to the pod before anyone else was there to talk to. You started the linkpod by yourself and got in without hesitation.

Waking up in your Avatar body was a strange experience, as you were still in the Hallelujah mountains where you fell asleep last night. Neyn did not leave you, you noted, and she was peacefully resting next to you, cooing softly in her sleep.

“Hey, beautiful girl. Time to go back. It would be useful if you knew the way.” you pet her gently, trying not to disturb her. She woke up and pushed her snoot in your chest, and you felt it swell for this animal that you had an unbreakable bond with; you were grateful you had done the Iknimaya and at least gained a life companion from that horrible day.

As suspected, Neyn knew where to take you, and in about an hour you made it back to the village. You dreaded it, dreaded the inevitable interaction, but you knew you had to go back at some point and inform them of your whereabouts.

It was still early, so the village wasn’t quite bustling with energy yet. You quietly made it back to your tent, which you found empty. You grabbed your bow and arrows, knife and gun and a couple extra magazines. You didn’t know if you were going to be back. As you were making your way out, your head bumped into a large, muscular chest.

Fuck.

“Where the hell were you all night, kid? None of us slept a wink last night worrying.”

“Out.”

“What the hell do you mean out? Out where? You leave without telling, you don’t come back the whole night, do you have a fucking death wish?”

You laughed at the irony of his words. He caught your arm as you were walking away and pulled you back forcefully so you can face him.

“You are not going anywhere.”

“Let go.” Jake raised a brow at your words. He was not used to being spoken this way, you realise.

“How long?”

His grasp on you loosened, and his gaze softened when you peered up at him through eyelashes to which tears clung.

“How long has this been going on?”

“Kid…”

“How fucking long, Jake?”

He let go of your arm at your curse, which had never been directed at him before.

“Watch your tone, kid.”

“You made me feel like shit for learning to shoot guns without you. It made you feel bad, right? Knowing I purposefully left you out of something you could have been useful at, something we could have bonded over? I hurt you, by pushing you and Neytiri away for so many years, and I am sorry for that, but you have never, in your life, tried to understand me. So you gave me shit about something you didn’t understand, and I hurt so much inside at the thought of all I gave away by my reluctance to trust, to love, to let people in. So I changed. I let you in. I was here, everyday, acting like a perfect little daughter for you, the daughter I knew you wanted. Strong, capable, skilled. I let Neytiri in. I started calling her mum in my dreams, and although the guilt for my own mother gnawed at my insides silently, I was also relived, to finally have a family again, or for the first time.

You made me love you and break down these carefully constructed walls so you can be comfortable and sleep well at night for not breaking your promise my mum, and then you fucking stabbed me in the back.

I trusted you, Jake. You fucking lied to my face for months. Every time I asked where Neteyam was at dinners and you told me he was practicing, every day you plotted to get me out of the village as early morning as humanly possible and get me back after everyone else was fast asleep, I knew it in my heart you were lying, but you were all so good at it, I thought I was going crazy. But no, it was all a carefully planned ruse to not find out you made me come here and be part of the people just to watch the man I love belong to someone else without even a chance to decide for myself how to feel about it.”

The fight brought out the rest of the Sully family out of their tent, and they were all watching you now, concern and sadness displayed across their beautiful faces.

“You all lied to me. Looked me in the fucking eyes and lied to me, every day, multiple times a day. You were supposed to be my family.

The humans are coming. I will be here. I will stand and fight, you know I will. I will be your little soldier, and be who you made me into.

But I want to make this perfectly clear. As far as I am concerned, you and I, we are done. I am done.” You looked at every Sully one last time, and left.

You were no longer delightfully numb, but burning with anger and earth-shattering sorrow as you stalked away from the village, leaving everything behind. Your eyes were blurry with endless tears, mourning this life and this family that you managed to gain and lose within the span of a few weeks, reeling from the wounds within your heart that never had a chance to mend before being opened again, over and over. You didn’t want to go back to the lab, knowing Neteyam was most likely looking for you there. You couldn’t go to the clearing for the same reason. You had no home anymore, no place in this world, once again. You could only think of one place to go, one place where no one would ever look for you.

Your knees were shaking furiously as you walked, and you were scared of another flashback that you would have to ride out by yourself, but it never came. You just walked, crying and panting from all the pain the last 24 hours brought, and eventually you made it to a place you never thought you would ever see again. The clearing looked peaceful, with rays of light penetrating through tree branches, creating Mandalas on the ground that you found yourself tracing with your eyes.

In the corner, lay a decrepit exo suit, and you made your way to it, settling on the ground next to it. You knew now this exo suit belonged to your dad, and you removed some vines that grew on top of his name, Gideon Barlowe. A beautiful name, you thought, and your mind wandered to the past, a past way before you were even born, and wondered what your grandparents did back on Earth. Did they encourage their son to leave his own planet in pursuit of planetary colonisation, monetary gain and murderous acts? Did they know? Did he know? Was he like that his whole life, or did he start off fighting the good fight, and was corrupted by the jagged and monstrous lifestyle? You wondered if this was what he has always dreamt of doing, or he had secret dreams of being a painter, or a gardener. Did he play guitar, too? You snored sometimes, did you get that from him? You had so many questions for this man you shared half your DNA with, but have never met. For the man that died on a planet far away from home, alone, with no one to mourn him.

Was that going to be you? Would Neteyam remember you in 20 years, when he would tell stories about his childhood to his kids, when he remembered the good old times? Would you get a Na’vi send off? Or were you going to be buried somewhere in the forest, for someone to stumble upon in a distant future you would no longer be a part of?

Sobbing uncontrollably, you heard yourself speak in between wails. “Why am I here? Great Mother, please tell me there is more to this life, there is more to life than this, because I cannot do this anymore. I am so tired. I have tried to keep going my whole life, even when I wanted nothing more than to cease to exist, blissfully collapse in an ether where I didn’t have to feel anything anymore. I kept going because I wanted to make my mum proud, I wanted to honour the body and life she has given me. I am trying so hard, but I am really fucking tired.”

A little past eclipse, you arrived at the lab, and used the keycard you remembered to bring with you. You hoped Neteyam would be gone by now, in case he was trying to find you here. You made your way through the hub and into your bedroom, which looked tiny in your Avatar body. You realise how uncomfortable it must have been for him to be here so often, then cursed your brain for making you think about such things. Your Avatar body needed a bed, so you walked slowly to where the other Avatar bodies usually were laid to rest for the night. There should be an empty space where your mum or Grace used to sleep. It didn’t take long for you to wake up back in the linkpod, as with most nights recently, you were barely able to maintain the neurolink by the time evening came.

Max was waiting for you. “Neteyam came by. He’s been looking for you, said you left the village yesterday and didn’t come back. He was worried sick.”

You didn’t answer him, as you slowly got out of the pod and tried to steady your feet on the ground, harder than it seemed when the entire room was spinning around you.

“What happened?”

“The mate you all hid from me for weeks came announcing herself in my tent as we were just about to kiss.”

“Any other questions?”

You didn’t wait for a response before you made your way out of the room, stalking towards the medical ward.

As you retired to your room for the night, you noted the morphine was not working as well as used to anymore. You sat on the bed, looking at the arm that was getting blue at the amount of needle holes it had, and you knew then you didn’t have much time left. Maybe a couple of days. A couple more days of this. And then it would finally be over. You gave it a fair shot, this life thing. You couldn’t say you felt particularly sad at the thought of it ending. You pressed play on your vintage record player and let yourself sleep.

“Even on my worst day, did I deserve, babe, all the hell you gave me?

'Cause I loved you, I swear I loved you, til my dying day”

You spent the next 2 days in a haze, drugged out of your mind, waking up before eclipse and leaving to your dad’s grave and sleeping in the woods until the night, barely able to make it on your own two feet. Even in your human body, Neyn recognised you, and stood by you, which gave you some peace of mind. You made sure to bring her fruits from the lab, and she cooed warmly as she settled next to you.

When you made your way back that night, Norm was waiting.

“Where the hell have you been? Everyone’s been looking for you for 3 fucking days.”

You removed your oxygen mask and made your way to the room, where he followed you. You were in so much pain you couldn’t see straight.

“I am talking to you!” he took you by your arm and spun you around. The motion made you instantly sick, and you struggled to keep down the fruits you shared with your ikran.

“Let go of me, Norm.” you had no strength in your body anymore, so it took you awhile to shake him off.

“You look like shit. What did you do?”

You managed to make it to the bathroom, where you shut the door behind you and got in the shower. Fortunately, for you or him, you couldn’t tell, Norm was gone when you came out.

The next morning, you woke up desperately searching for pain relief and didn’t know if you were going to be able to make it to the ward before your knees would collapse on themselves. You were shaking and dizzy, out of your mind with agony and walking to the bathroom felt like the most intensive workout you have ever done. You peered up at yourself in the mirror and were scared at the eyes watching you, rabid and wild, like an injured animal waiting to lash out. It was too much for you to bear, and before you could even think or rationalise, you felt your fingers curl into a fist and make contact with the cold glass of the mirror, shattering in dozens of pieces, and it made you weirdly happy to have a visual representation of how your soul felt. The instant pain of the all the wounds the smash caused also gave you a weird sense of euphoria, and you realised it was taking away from the pain in the rest of the body, which was only able to focus on one agonising sensation at a time. This felt like a kiss by comparison, and you knew then you could go on a little longer, you could continue with the rest of the day.

Norm came bursting through the door at the loud crash.

“What the hell happened? Are you okay?”

You came out of your bathroom, blood dripping all over the floor as you made your way to the bed, sitting down on it.

“Leave, Norm.”

“What?”

“Leave.”

“What the hell has gotten into you recently. you are rude and brash, and you hurt people’s feelings with no remorse. This isn’t you.”

“What the hell do you know about me, Norm?” you say, laughing bitterly.

“Ace, stop.”

“You don’t know anything, Norm.” you kept going, the fury and hurt getting the best of you, once again, your need to destroy everything in your path as a way to cope with your own heartbreak winning by a landslide.     

“Did you know I have needed pills to sleep and to live a normal day-to-day life since I was 13? I have been slowly depleting our sleeping pill and benzodiazepines inventory and replacing it with multivitamin pills I found in one of the drawers. I mean thank God none of you suffer from anxiety or panic disorder or need help sleeping cause I would have been busted so long ago.”

You laughed mockingly at his shocked face, jaw so close the floor now you could trip on it on your way out.

“Did you know I am about a week and a half away from dying after I accidentally smashed a vial of infected blood and got it in my mouth?”

You stand corrected, you think now his jaw was close enough to the floor to trip on it.

“Did you know I have upgraded from a pill addiction to a full blown opioid addiction in order to not collapse on the floor in excruciating pain because of the way this virus is eating at my insides? Yeah, yeah, that’s right. We’re almost out of a whole vial of morphine after I injected it in my veins every day for a while now.”

He had no words. “That’s about right.”

“I do know one thing you do know, though. You know that Neteyam had his mate announcement ceremony that day I took off. You were there to see the two love birds announce their love and pledge their commitment to each other the one day I was not there. And that’s why you were acting shifty. You know about that. And somehow you forgot to tell me, every day, for weeks. How does that work out, Norm, hmm?”

“I felt so bad for snapping at you a couple of days ago. I felt like a horrible fucking person for hurting your feelings. I should have been watching my back, instead.”

You got up from your bed and started walking towards the door.

“If I were you I would not linger in a room with poisoned blood dripping on the floor for too long.”

You found some paper towels at the side of your bed and wrapped them around your bleeding, pained hand, and with that, you left.

After you upped the morphine you usually took, you went to the lab and prepped a hood for some more experiments. Work was a good way to get your mind off things, to mindlessly do something that had a purpose other than driving you to the brink of insanity.

You heard a loud banging noise coming from the entrance, and you had a sneaking suspicion you knew who it was. You heard Norm open the door.

“Is she here?”

“Yeah, but Neteyam, I think you should go. She’s not in a good place, and I really don’t think doing this will end well for either of you.”

“I don’t care, I have to talk to her, I have been looking for her for 3 fucking days.”

You heard the door to the lab slide open and hissed at the man you knew would be trying to come in, realising hissing in a human body doesn’t have nearly the same effect.

“Get the fuck out, Neteyam. This is a sterile room.”

“I don’t fucking care about the room, Atan. Where the fuck have you been? Please come out so we can talk.”

You threw your head back and laughed, really laughed.

“You really are delusional if you think there is any way in heaven and hell I would want to hear anything you have got to say. The time for talking was a couple months ago, Neteyam. The time for talking was the first day I got my Avatar body, where in addendum to telling me you own my ass now, you could have also sprinkled in the fact your are now mated with someone else.”

“I am not mated with anyone, for fuck’s sake. Just come out so we can talk, please. I will explain everything, please!”

You stopped what you were doing and looked at him, for the first time since that day. He looked exhausted, anguished. Deep purple bags under his eyes, that were burning red where the whites should be. He has been crying. Good, you thought. He looked panicked and miserable and desperate for you to give him the time of day, for you to allow him to explain the unexplainable.

You sighed and your heart constricted in pain. Neteyam will not be happy until there was nothing left of you, until he took everything from you. At the same time, you were curious, morbidly curious as to what has actually happened, what led to this moment. You knew he loved you. You knew that much, but it didn’t seem to matter in this moment, as he broke your heart for what felt like the thousandth time in your short life.

“Go to the clearing, I’ll come when I’m ready.”

You half considered just leaving him there to wait, abandoning him just he did to you. You finished splitting your cells and treating them, and in about an hour, you went into the linkpod and took your Avatar for a walk in the woods. You reached the clearing shortly, as it was close enough that even child you could do it without getting too far away from the building.

You saw him standing there, his back turned to you and his legs submerged in the river that was rushing violently downstream. It was a cold day, and rain was trickling down your body like shivers from a kiss. There was tension in the air, and you knew a storm was coming. You could practically feel the charge in the atmosphere, and were expecting thunder to start any minute now, ready to mirror the agony in your soul.

“I’m here.”

He didn’t speak for a while. Just stood looking at the river, deep in thought.

“So many of our moments throughout the years happened here. Remember when I taught you to swim in the river? Now, in retrospective, that was a bad idea since the water kept taking you away, to the point I had to wait at the end so I could catch you in my arms, like you were a baby.”

You winced at the memory.  You thought you could do this. You felt numb in that lab, numb on the way here, but as soon as your eyes focused on him, tears starting pooling in your eyes and pain overtook your body, that you tried to counteract by wrapping your arms tightly around yourself. He’s caused you so much hurt, so much grief in the years he’s known you. But he was also at the forefront of most of your happiest memories. You could fill endless manuscripts with the beauty of his love, that shone so brightly over you your whole life. He was the light in all the darkness and you honestly didn’t think you would have survived this journey without him.

That is why this hurt so much, why your body was convulsing on itself in insurmountable grief. And also why you owed him this much. Owed him this conversation, and the right to explain his point of view, that you were still unfamiliar with.

“I remember. I remember even at the time, thinking this was a good metaphor for our relationship. Life kept sweeping me off my feet, but you were always there to catch me, before it could take me away. I had so much faith in you back then, you were a fact of life, like the eclipse. You were the one person in this world I thought would never hurt me.”

“Fuck, Y/N, all I did before I left is hurt you.”

“What are you talking about?” You were confused at the turn this conversation took. What did he mean? You couldn’t recall a single time Neteyam hurt you before you left. Sure, you would fight and bicker sometimes, but it was a normal part of any relationship, you thought. And he always made it up to you, would always come to the lab and sit with you with flowers he collected or trinkets he found in the woods, always holding you and kissing your forehead to make sure you were over it before he had to leave. Fighting with him was ironically one of your favourite things, because you knew the aftermath was the closest you ever felt to being in heaven.

“I almost fucking killed you. Or have you forgotten? Have you forgotten how I manipulated you into getting on top of an ikran when you were just a 13 year old human and almost watched you die? Have you forgotten I took you to the woods and raced you to your dad’s remains? I was a walking magnet for disasters in your life and I was tired, so fucking tired of watching your life fall apart all around me. I had to watch you learn to walk again, limp because of my actions, for years. I had to pull you out of flashbacks and nightmares you developed because of ME. You were always fine in the woods with Lo’ak or Kiri, but everything bad that has happened to you happened around me.”

He was crying, panting and angry, at himself or you or the universe, you couldn’t tell.

“I thought that if I left, you would be ok. I just wanted to protect you. My whole life, all I have wanted was for you to be ok. But it seems no matter what I do, I keep fucking up.”

You had no words to speak as you lay there, listening to him letting you in to a secret you have spent so many months agonising over. The reason for his departure haunted you for a year and a half, even when you refused to think about him, about it, it was there, constantly emerging from the depths of your subconsciousness, taunting you in your dreams. Why? Why? Why?

Because he wanted to protect you?

You didn’t have time to process all of this new information, before he continued.

“The night you found your dad, I was shaken to my core, in a way I have never truly been before. I was so heartbroken, for you and for myself, for knowing this will haunt you for the rest of your life. I went home and mother found me, and told me that maybe I can’t help you in the way I’ve always wanted. That maybe it’s better for you that I remove myself for a while and leave you room to breathe and heal. So I did. It took me a long time to get the strength to do it. Every time I thought today is the day, I would see you and you would smile at me, and we would sit on your bed and you would read to me or play me songs or just be there, just you and me, and I couldn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. You were everything to me, my light in all the darkness.

A year later, you sang me the song and you were smiling at me singing it, and I knew you were confessing feelings we have both felt for years and couldn’t say out loud. And I knew that if I stayed, whatever we had would escalate past the point of no return. If I stayed, that would be it. And that’s when I decided. I thought I was doing us both a favour. I knew it would hurt you, just as much as it hurt me, but I thought the pain would subside in time.”

You were crying now, you realised, tears falling silently and effortlessly down your face, with no intention to ever stop, instantly washed away by the pouring rain. There were no sounds, no sobs or wails, or panted breaths, just the sounds of rain and hopeless, soft cries and muffled sniffles, for the man in front of you, for all that you have lost, for the past you shared and the future that you would never have.

He got up from where he stood and turned around to face you. He walked towards you until he was so close to you could feel his breath on your face. His stare made goosebumps appear on your entire body, so earnest and desperate, so full of intensity for the words he was trying to convey to you.

“It didn’t.” He said, at the same time you thought the same words in your mind.

“A few years ago, mother and father told me I would one day have to find a mate. They knew and I knew it was expected of me, but I always put it off, so they eventually dropped it. I learnt later they both knew about us, so they didn’t push me into anything until they felt I was ready. A few months after they realised I decided to leave, they started bringing it up again. I didn’t want to hear it, but they said it was time, as I had refused for years longer than what was acceptable in the clan. I met with so many girls, all from good families, all healers in training, all wrong. Beautiful girls, smart girls, skilled healers and singers, and it was like looking at the grey walls of your lab. I felt nothing, I felt sick just thinking about it, like just the thought would be betraying the memory of our bond. Eventually, I told them they can decide. Grandma can decide whatever she thinks is best, and, as Tsahik, I would listen to her voice and wisdom, and do my duty to the clan. She chose Tiongli. I knew her growing up, and we were friendly, so I tried to make an effort. I would go to her tent, and she would show me her training sometimes, I would let her heal my wounds and imagined it was your hands touching me instead. I visited her family and paid my respects, and had dinner with them whenever they invited me. I hoped in time, I could learn to care for her, to lessen the distaste in my mouth whenever my family or the clan talked about the future, about the ceremony, about the life I was supposed to lead that I hated even the thought of.

And then, one day, my dad sent me to get Lo’ak from the lab. I was so scared of knowing I would have to see you again. It had been so long, and so many feelings gnawed at me on the walk there, terror and anxiety, guilt and longing. But then I saw you, and there was only one feeling: love. Like no time had passed at all. I knew then I was going to love you for the rest of my life, and that will never change. That was my fact of life, my eclipse.”

He slowly took your face in his hands, and his thumb was caressing your cheek trying to wipe the tears and raindrops that were falling mercilessly. You saw his face slowly getting closer to yours, and you knew you should pull away, you should remove yourself from his grasp before the kiss was going to remove the last ounce of happiness from you. You knew what you had to do, knew that no matter what information or answers or justifications he would give you today, they wouldn’t matter. You should pull away, because there is no future, no hope. But you couldn’t. You didn’t know what waited for you in the afterlife, but if there was any chance you would have your memories, you wanted this kiss to haunt you forever, to remind you of the life you left behind.

His lips touched yours so gently, it felt like a whisper. Like a hug, tender and warm, it was so different than your first kiss. Tears were still running down your face as your lips moved, entangled with his and begging for more. Your hands went to his chest, to his neck, to his back, just touching him, trying to memorise his body, this feeling. You wanted so much more, you wanted to be his, you wanted to feel him, you wanted him to own you, like he did your heart, which has been his your entire life and will still be his after your death.

You were a mess of wet tangled limbs and panted breaths by the end, and eventually, he broke the kiss to look at you through teary eyes.

“I love you, I will always love you. I am so sorry.”

“I love you, too.”

“But this doesn’t change anything, Neteyam.”

“Thank you, for finally telling me why you left. For giving me some closure for something that has plagued me for so long, it became a constant part of my nightmares. Thank you for having my best interest at heart; it couldn’t have been easy to leave, if you didn’t want to, it took a strong heart to do something that hurt you for what you thought was the lesser evil. But it doesn’t change anything.”

“You left me. You broke me. And you never gave me a chance to make my own decisions. To figure out for myself what was the path forward. I have NEVER blamed you for my misfortunes. The ikran ride is still a beautiful memory to me. You made it a beautiful memory. If it weren’t for your quick thinking, we probably would have both died at the hands of Toruk. You saved my life, Neteyam. You carried me home and stayed with me while I was having surgery, you stayed with me after, while I recovered. You pulled me out of the worst panic attack I have ever had when I found my dad, and you rode out so many of my flashbacks, I have lost count. You weren’t the cause or the common denominator of these events, I was. I am the one plagued by misfortune and hurt and death. Not you. And if you tell me you had to leave to save your own peace of mind, I would respect that. I don’t know anyone in this world who can take this, take me and all the shit that follows me everywhere I go. I don’t blame you.

But if you tell me that you did this for me, that I can’t accept. I didn’t ask for any of this. You gave me no choice, and no say in this relationship, in our shared life. You just left. I deserved better than that. And I deserved better than to find out about a mate after months of lies and manipulation and deceit. I don’t care. I don’t care if you are going to say that you didn’t want it, or you were going to undo it, or that you’ve always loved me and never her. I don’t care. You lied to me, you manipulated me. You accused me of fucking your brother as you were promised to another woman that you hid from me for months. I do blame you for that, and I will never be able to forgive you.”

“Please, Atan…I will tell her no. I will tell her -.” he was sobbing now, his hands still on your face, pleading.

“No.” you slowly took his hands in yours and removed them from your face.

“I think you should do it, Neteyam. She is a good girl, she will make a good Tsahik, and a good mate. Your mother was right, there is no future here - there never was. I love you, so much. But I think you have broken my heart one too many times. I am done.”

You turned your back and walked away from him and the life that was lost - forever.

You were completely soaked when you arrived in the lab, and you went straight to the Avatar laying room and cried. Cried until it felt like no more tears could possibly come out of you. You cried yourself to sleep and then cried in the pod, on the way to your bedroom, and in bed until your human body eventually collapsed from exhaustion. You cried in your dreams, in which Neteyam was kissing you and touching you, doing all the things you were silently begging him to in your mind just a few hours ago.

Eventually, nightfall came, and you had to get up to do the rest of your experiments and top up your analgesic. Ironically enough, you were making real progress on your work. You found a combination therapy that was showing incredible potential in slowing the virus down. It wasn’t enough to stop and eradicate it, but it was enough to give people more time and hopefully give the scientists more time to find a cure. It wouldn’t help you, but maybe you could still help others.

At some paint through the night, as you were making up some reagents, Norm bursts through the door holding a bunch of equipment and some pills, you realise. He puts them down on the bench behind you and speaks.

“Right, stop whatever you are doing, right now.”

“I am in the middle of something.”

“I don’t fucking care. Stop, now.”

You were taken aback at his words and attitude. Norm never got mad, or lost his composure. He was so most well balanced person you knew.

You put the pipette gun down and turned around to face him.

“I still need to adjust the pH on this.”

He ignored you while he prepared the myriad of little gadgets he brought with him. He motioned for you to take off your lab coat, and you rolled your eyes in annoyance, but did as you were told regardless. You were too tired to argue anymore.

He raised the sleeves of your top until they couldn’t go any further up your arm and put a blood pressure monitor on you. You felt tension as its sleeve tightened around you painfully, but eventually it gave out with a puff, and you heard beeping as the machine finished its reading. You looked to your right where the monitor lay, and saw red lights flashing, letting Norm know your blood pressure and pulse were dangerously low. His eyes widened slightly at the sight, but he held his composure, removing the gadget from around your arm and putting it away. He then read your oxygen levels, which you saw were constantly dabbling between 89 and 90%. Not good, you thought. No wonder you could barely breathe anymore. Norm cursed silently under his breath, trying to not let you see him, but if there was one thing you were good at, it’s reading people. Well, you thought you were, at least.

“Did you do any tests on your blood? How is your complete blood count looking?”

“No, I haven’t.”

“Why the fuck not, Ace? It’s not like you don’t know how to do it.”

He was angry, really angry. You’ve never seen Norm this angry, you’ve never seen Norm acting this way towards you.

You just shrugged. With a huff of annoyance, he took your arm and prepared a needle and syringe to collect some blood. He gulped and you could see tears forming in his eyes when he looked at the violet bruises and needle holes that were plastered along the length of your brachial vein.

“Just didn’t get around to it.”

“You didn’t - Are you fucking kidding me right now?”

“What medicine have you been taking? Did you take the Relenta, or the combination therapy we have been working on?”

“Neither.”

You swear you saw Norm’s entire body enter a catatonic state and he turned so red you were worried he was going to release steam out of his ears.

“You have been sick for a month and did not take anything, none of the treatments we have been working on?”

You couldn’t look him in the eye anymore, finding comfort in the pattern of the tiles on the floor.

“I can’t believe you. I didn’t peg you for someone who would just throw their life away meaninglessly. Your mum had to die because we didn’t have a way to treat her illness, and here we are, with a solution that YOU came up with for your own illness, and you will just not even try?”

You were quiet, not really having a way to rebut his questions.

“Fine. We will start you on the combination treatment tonight and take it from there. There’s other things we haven’t tried yet and I’m sure -“

“NO.”

“I’m not asking you. I’m not letting you fucking die.”

“Why must you always fucking try to fix everything, Norm? Some things can’t be fixed. I don’t want the fucking pills. I am done. I want this to be done.”

“So you’ll just die? Is that what you’re saying? You want to die, and not even fucking TRY to see if there is more to this life. Goddamn it, Y/N. I thought having the Avatar would help you realise life is worth living, there’s beauty in this world beyond the walls of this lab. You got your first kill, you did the Iknimaya, you’re going to become one of the people. Don’t you want to see what your future holds? Don’t you want to live to see yourself grow up? Fall in love, start a family. There are more guys in this world than just Neteyam.”

You gave Norm a dirty look and got out of the lab.

Neteyam felt his whole body reel after your conversation. It didn’t change anything, he thought bitterly. He thought explaining it to you, allowing to see that he had good reasons for his actions would allow you to forgive him, to at least allow him the opportunity to make it up to you through time. You left, just like he had so long ago, but there was a finality to you that he didn’t feel then. Back then, he always had hope that a miracle would still be possible, one in which you got an Avatar, healed and loved him, forever. He wanted to love you forever, but his apology and explanations were not enough.

He lost you, again.

He spent the night flying on his Ikran, just flying and letting the rain soak his thoughts and hurt away. He just wanted to disappear. He wanted the rain to melt his bones until there was nothing left of him but the memory of happier times.

In the early hours of the morning, he made it back to the village, trying to hide his cried out eyes and calamitous grief. He was dreading having to talk to his parents, to explain to them what happened, to have to go through with Tiongli and this future he didn’t want and will have to suffer through for the rest of his life. He didn’t have time to worry about it too much though, because, as he managed to get to the tent’s entrance, he heard Norm’s voice and his dad’s, intertwined with his grandma’s voice rising above them.

“It won’t work. Eywa will not allow her to come back.”

“Why not? She has taken her Iknimaya, she has completed her kills, she has spent her entire life in the village’s service, trying to help the best way she knew how. If she doesn’t deserve this, who does?”

“It’s not that she doesn’t deserve it. It’s that she doesn’t want it. She doesn’t want this, Norm. The Great Mother will not transfer the conscience of someone with no future.”

“But maybe if this happened, she will realise that she wants to live. Once she’s rid herself of her weak body, of this disease, maybe she will -“

“The Great Mother’s word is final. She will die, because she wants to die.”

Mo’at’s voice rang in his ears so hard he thought his eardrums would pop.

She doesn’t want it.

She will die.

What were they talking about? Who would die?

No… it couldn’t be. No, the Great Mother wouldn’t be so cruel.

He didn’t wait to hear the rest of the conversation, running as fast as his feet could carry him back to the lab. He reached soon enough, he was faster than most other people in the village, and started knocking on the door of the lab with all his might.

“Y/N, OPEN UP, I KNOW YOU ARE IN THERE!”

Eventually, Max came to the door, through which Neteyam burst without consideration for the tiny human next to him.

“She’s not in, Neteyam. She left before any of us had a chance to say anything.”

“Was she in her Avatar body?”

“No, the body is in the den where they sleep.”

He didn’t bother thanking the man, as he turned on his heel and started running again. She was there, had to be.

It was still raining, the clouds relentless as they released drops that poured gently down his face and body, and Neteyam thought the Great mother was crying, mourning the love being washed away like a pebble in the river of the clearing, just like he was.

You were there, of course you were. A current shocked Neteyam at the sight of you. This was the first time he has seen your human body in months, and he found it hard to reconcile the image of you he has known all his life with this current one. You were incredibly thin, so thin, whereas a few months ago he could trace your muscles, he could now trace your bones. You were pale, almost ashen, and the hair that he once spent so long admiring was now brittle and dull, obvious even as it was, wet and clinging to your back. You looked lifeless. He felt a lump form in his throat and tears pool in his eyes that were still not dry from all the pain this day has brought.

You didn’t notice him yet, your human ears much less sensitive than your Avatar, so you were just sitting on the riverbank with your chin resting on your knees, which were brought to your chest and your arms wrapped tightly around them. You were looking at the water, and it was like you weren’t actually there. You were in your own world, far from here, from this hurt.

“I was going to ask if it was true, what I heard Norm talk about in the tent today, but I think you’ve answered my question.”

Neteyam saw you flinch, and it felt like even that brought your weak frame pain. You were trembling when you looked at him, and your face made his own drop in shock. Your beautiful features, the blush in your cheeks, the glimmer in your eye, the pink of your lips, your animated expressions or raised eyebrows, were all gone. Your eyes looked glossed over and numb, your face looked ghostly and sunken, and Neteyam swore he could trace every blood vessel on your forehead and neck. The sight of you made whatever happiness or hope he had left dissolve and trickle down his bones, until it reached the ground where it was eventually buried, never to be seen again.

“I didn’t think I could make myself any clearer, Neteyam.”

“tell me it isn’t true. Tell me he’s lying; he’s making it up.”

“What part?”

“All of it.” Neteyam was angry now, trying to contain the temper rising in his chest.

“Tell me you’re not dying.”

“Norm has a big fucking mouth.”

“Can you for once in your fucking life just answer a question? This is fucking serious!”

You winced at his words, then struggled to get up, but did eventually and fully face him. The state of you hit him like bullets, piercing and scraping at his every organ, leaving bleeding wounds behind.

“It’s true”.

Crack, crack, crack. 

“When?”

“The night you gave me the guitar. I was so busy being in love with you I forgot to put the proper protection on, and I smashed a bottle of infected blood. It got in my mouth, in my nose.”

“I thought you were working on a cure.”

“Haven’t found it yet.”

“But you said you have something that kind of works, something to give people more time.”

“I’m human, it doesn’t work that way for us.”

“So, you’ve tried.”

You weren’t looking at him anymore, just staring at the ground in front of you, somewhere next to Neteyam’s feet.

“Tell me you have fucking tried.”

It thundered aggressively as Neteyam said that, and he saw you once again tremble at the loud sound. You have never been a jumpy person. You were the bravest person he knew. You were the strongest person he knew. It was unspeakable having to watch you now, sitting meekly in front of him, when just a few days ago you took the Iknimaya, taking the climb to the toughest tests known to the Omatikaya, doing it like it was nothing, just another day for you. To know that this is what was hiding underneath, this is what you hid from all of them, made him both impossibly miserable and strikingly enraged at the same time.

“TELL ME YOU HAVE TRIED.”

“NO, OKAY?? NO, I HAVEN’T FUCKING TRIED.” You were sobbing now, your tears washed away by the rain and wind as soon as they fell down your cheeks.

“Why?”

“Because I am tired. I want this to end.”

“I thought you were happy. I thought you were better. You seemed better in the Avatar.”

“I was better… in the Avatar. Because that wasn’t my life. That was just a beautiful dream, while my life was the never-ending nightmare. It was easy to pretend in that body. It was easy to be the version of myself everybody wanted me to be. But I have to live with the real me every night. And I don’t want to do it anymore.” The more you cried, the more Neteyam’s blood boiled in his veins.

“That’s such fucking bullshit.”

“You know what I think?”

“I think dying is fucking easy. It’s your easy way out.”

You looked up at his much larger frame incredulously, and he saw how your mood was starting to mirror his own.

“What did you just say? You think this is fucking easy for me?”

“Yes, I think it is. I think all you’ve done since your mum has died is take the easy way out. Put everything and everyone in your little bottom desk drawer, keeping everyone at a distance. Do you know how much mother and father suffered every time you refused to come out, to come to the village? My mother cried herself to sleep at the thought of you alone in that lab, at the thought that you preferred that soulless, empty place to her, to us. Did you know that?

You have not once opened that drawer, not once dealt with anything. All you do is numb yourself down, pretend you are fine and the issues you have suffered through do not exist. Well guess fucking what, Atan? They exist. And until you deal with that pain and let it pass over you and through you, you will always take the easy way out.

You have made me feel like the worst person in the world, for leaving, for lying to you. But what the fuck have you done, huh? You lied to me about dying, for weeks! About dying! What, was I supposed to find you dead one day and that was it? That was what I deserved from you, after all the blood, sweat and tears I gave you? You said I took your choice away. You wouldn’t have even given me a choice to say goodbye to the love of my life before you fucking died!

I left you for a year because I wanted to protect you, you are leaving permanently because you refuse to fucking deal with the pain and hurt I know you feel deep down inside. You had a choice. You could have come to the many people who love you, love you unconditionally, and told us, and let us in, and let us help you. You could have gotten help, taken the pills, fight your damn hardest to make this work, to find a cure, for the life your mum gave you, the life she would have to watch you throw away. You have a choice now. To want to live, to want to fight through this and come out the other side a new, better person. To let me love you, let people love you. To do the consciousness transfer and be with me, and be happy, forever. And you’re choosing this.

You are a coward.”

Neteyam turned on his heel and walked away, before he got a chance to see you collapse on the ground, giving your last few breaths in the place he used to imagine both of your children laying in his arms peacefully while you sang them to sleep.

Tag list (I hope I didn't miss anyone, thank you so much for asking to be tagged &lt;3): @nuhteyam @eywas-heir @fanboyluvr @mashiromochi @puffb4ll @sassy-persona @simp4ff @mommyneytiri @inomoikawa @jackiehollanderr @jaysarchiv3 @meivap @dakotali @hlhl99 @eskamybeloved @erenjaegerwifee @winchestertitties

[shinahbee]

October Favorites 2020!

Hello!

i'm going to start bringing these favorites of the month from my deviantart to here on tumblr. Hopefully you will find something good out of the things that I have been liking recently, please leave in the comments anything that you have been liking this month ( books, manga, anime, tv shows...etc) I have been a little uninspired for a while, but I'm still working on a few new digital art pieces as well as continuing my painting hobby, so there's a lot of content on the way!

okay so on to the things that I've been liking this month.

So if you've seen my latest digital art " who's baby is it?" I have been delving into web toons which I have not read other than mo dao zu shi since I watched the anime and It just suddenly stopped after season 2. I thought reading the web toon would answer some of those questions  i had. It lead me to reading a bunch of webtoons all in the shounen ai category for some reason...lol. and I've been really liking some of the stories, Until this point web toons never really interested me since I've been reading manga since I was younger , so i've been used to just seeing the black and white pages of art, since web toons have coloured pages, it makes me appreciate the effort they used to colour every panel, so a lot of work went into these so i appreciate it for what it is even if the story inst great.

let me preface by saying that even though i'm delving into BL, i've been exposed to yaoi ever since I was in high school by one of my best friends, she lent me her favorite anime which was " gravitation" and all remember was wanting a man that was like yuki...lol. don't we all?

since then I have been reading some yaoi manga...only ones that are NOT predicated on sexual violence and abuse, which I know is prevalent in this category, I just don't like it and the message it sends, so i avoid that all together.

unless of course it has a particular message it wants to convey, not glorifying it. if that makes sense.

okay so here are my recommendations, i'll give a very brief summary of each of them

Manga/Manhwa:

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Who's baby is it? 

- “a man named yi yun wanted to be an actor and is part of an acting company for several years and still was not successful, apparently it was because he was born with really bad luck, so to change his life perspective he decided that he wanted to be a surrogate father and donate his sperm to a surrogate mother in order to have a child that is his blood. So he and his child were living happily together through yi yuns work periods and suddenly there is a man that claims he is the child's actual blood related father and wanted to take the child into his custody.”

please read the summary I have in my fan art, I've wrote my thoughts on this manhwa.

To be or not to be

-  “A company president diagnosed with cancer and died has been transmigrated into his favorite novel, where he was reborn as the antagonistic emperor that the main character defeats in the end, on top of which the main lead is currently the captive of said emperor, so in order to survive he will do anything to protect the protagonist and make sure he stays alive inside the novels universe.”

oh to be or not to be that is the question...lol. it really is. currently is is one of my favorites, I like how modern day people  can look at the acts of history and modify certain things so that it would less likey repeat itself for the worse, we need this sort of mentality at this moment...

Social temperature

- “Song Yuan is indifferent when dealing with people he is an elite student at T- university as a science major, one day his friend started to question his sexuality and set him up with a month trial dating app as a joke, as soon as he went to delete the app on his phone, he was suddenly matched with a boy named "Mu", who turns out to be his classmate/ rival in his science program, his named is Xaio Mu , he is an exchange student abroad and got into this elite science program, hoping to meet new friends he approached song yuan and proceed to converse with him only to be ridiculed by him saying that he wears too much perfume and it made him sick so then he became the class social outcast.But after using the app to converse with "Mu"...song yuan became curious as to what he is actually like...using the fake name and bio of " Andrew " they start to get to know each other more.”

omg , this is triggering for me, since Mu is basically me a few years ago when I was also in a medical science program minus the talking on tinder thing lol, I felt as though everyone in that program was in it for themselves and I didn't not like the how people think they are entitled to everything...that's why i'm not in it no more.lol. there are a few plot holes in the story that I don't really get but other than that I really like this story I read the chapters that are out so far like 3 times cause I'm waiting for the rest to be translated. I also actually read the Novel by the same author of the manhua called " social outcast" so if you just want to read it in text format please read that novel instead, I like the novel up to a point and then it didn't really make sense after wards..lol.

so i can't say that i recommended it completely. Also Mu's character design I really like, thus i'm going to make a fan art of him soon...omg he's so beautiful, i'm in love lol.

Salad Days  ( tang liu zang) 

- “This is the story between a young innocent ballet boy and a passionate, determined boxing boy. The two met at the children’s palace, and since then, they have grown up together supporting each other. May there be hardships, may there be obstacles, yet they never stopped pursuing their dreams. The beauty of the salad days is the sweat from the hard work and the bonding of friendship. Although they have completely different paths set up for them, what never changes is their beautiful friendship.”

wow this story so far is really beautiful, I was in ballet for 3  years so it was slightly relatable to me, I feel like the over all message is that people sacrifice a lot for their dreams and if you are very passionate about it, there's no on that can really stop you, the only one that can stop you is you. I can't wait to see this story progress further  

K-dramas:

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it okay to not be okay - this probably has been mentioned as everyone's favorite, but rightfully so, I really like ko mun young's character as a person who seems like an assertive and powerful woman, but is suffering from a social disorder. and how moon gang tae has to not only deal with mental patients at his job but also his older brother being autistic, he himself is suffering from mental illness. this drama is  something not a lot of dramas portray in dealing with mental illness and how the patients/ loved ones  are feeling when watching them go through it all. I liked the story and the message  and it made me cry in every episode, so fair warning...have tissues beside you as you watch.

itaewon class- I was not going to watch this because of the mixed reviews but I did any ways, and it was really good, a really good depiction of how money and power isn't the end all be all , and being happy  is really the best revenge you can get, it also addresses racism and prejudice on one character and sexism on a trans-gendered woman. I also think this is a story that protrays something that really hasn't been exposed to in k-dramas specifically. It depends on your morals and what you understand so far in your life wether you would like this drama or not, so i understand the mixed reviews that it gets, but for me it was a really good story.

Anime/ TV shows:

---------------------------------------------

I don't have any anime recommendations this month mainly cause I have not been watching any, but there are some that i might watch soon  so I will list those below, let mew know if any of you have seen them and should I be watching them.

- Nobelese

-yasha hime ( inuyasha  new series)

-Haikyuu  new season

-heavens official blessing ( same author of mo dao zushi) - just started watching

-scum bag saving system- just started watching

Music :

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so I have just been listening to a lot of OSTs,

I really recommend the itaewon class soundtrack, all the songs are so good!

my favorite on is " crush- No words "

also my friend has been sending me NCT  and super M practice  videos so I've been listening to their music as well, please listen to make a wish by NCT U, it has been stuck in my head and I cant get it out...lol.

------------------------------

that's all for this October faves summary. please comment below if anything interested you for the month of October, I would also like to read your recommendations as well, please also take care of yourselves especially now with all that's escalating in the world.

take care!

sheena

[high-liters-and-tea-blog]

I’ve gone PAPERLESS

So like, I’ve tried going paperless in the past for my physical health (back and knee problems, carrying heavy bags, etc) as well as for the environment!! Being digital was always the ultimate zero waste student goal for me! Going paperless was the motivation to get my Lenovo Flex, 15.6in laptop with touch screen that flips 360 degrees. Plus i also had a Samsung tablet and figured that I was set.

One thing I’ve been pretty consistent on, not only on this tumblr but in life as a whole, is that I absolutely cannot stand Apple and aside from the 4th gen iPod touch i bought in like 10th grade, I’ve never owned an Apple product because I simply cannot. Stand them selling the same 5 lacklustre products with absolutely no innovation and just - wow okay let me pause this is not a post about why i hate Apple.

So the other thing I’ve been consistent on is hating how classist, consumerist, and just skdfjs the whole studyblr community/ aesthetic can be. The vast majority of the more successful accounts are people who feature a MacBook Pro and an iPad Pro and wireless Beats headphones and these beautiful notes all around them with a venti Starbucks coffee nearby in literally every single picture, even though the vast majority of students and people in the community who actually work really hard and have amazing tips and stories to share and want to get involved are not recognized without the $5000 setup and - omg okay again off topic.

Anyway where was i going with all of that? I thought that I could make do with what I had and go paperless. I thought a touch screen laptop (which, tbh was still $1400 and a huge investment for me and had I known it wouldn’t work out I probably would have gotten something more affordable) and tablet would be enough for me to take handwritten electronic notes, complete my assignments, read my textbooks, etc but I was wrong. This school year I went ahead and got myself the budget iPad and Apple Pencil. The lady at the Apple Store tried to upsell me on the Pro but I refused to spend laptop money on a tablet. She then tried to upsell me on the Air and throw in some beats but again that’s still good laptop money and I honestly need a new laptop but I’m hanging in there bc I cant afford it right now.

For the past 3+ years, I’ve tried handwriting notes and typing notes then annotating them and e-books and kindles and all these things that were just barely doable and something seriously crucial was lacking. After a year more or less of research i decided to just go ahead and spend a bit more to get the iPad and Apple Pencil. It honestly pisses me off that Apple has roped me into their ecosystem and I’m truly forced to buy this product, not because the iPad is the best tablet on the market, but because of the exclusivity they have with certain apps and just creating apps specifically optimized for the iPad through iPadOS, allowing them to recreate that paper experience in digital format.

If the app selection was built this way for android and windows devices, there would be absolutely 0.000 need for me to get an iPad but they have very cleverly and strategically cornered the market for students, artists, and other creatives.

In any case, I’m actually happy with the iPad because it does what I need it to do. I bought it purely for school so (now that I’m recovering from surgery and on bed rest and what not I did download a few games and social apps but I have a phone for all that so I ended up deleting them anyway but like) I really onl have apps that I would use for school on my iPad, with the exception of my tv/movie app.

I actually find it hilarious but also awesome that google play books, music, and movies and tv are actually all available o iOS so there’s absolutely no incentive to even bother with the Apple version of these. All the media I’ve bought and paid for as a lifetime android user it’s still accessible on my iPad

But anyway, so ends my scrambled 2am ramblings.

[blatherkatt]

i just started reading your blumenthal kids reunionfic and i LOVE IT! Its so good and so full of potential and angst and I LOVE IT!!!💞💞💞 The way you write Eodwulf is soooo good hes such a mess and so gay help him. and Astrid Omg... I cant wait for more of her i checked out some of your posts on here and shes just great??? You've clearly put a lot of thought into them with the child designs and stuff, did you have any major inspo for the two of them like songs or other characters and stuff???

hey tumblr dont…delete part of my answer what the heck

anyway!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH,,, ed ( @tactfulgrimalkin ) is the one doing the actual writing but we plan everything together and i edit and do artwork so he deserves lots of love for the great writing…i dont remember what else i had here before tumblr deleted it so i hope thats the gist of it 

eodwulf is a gay disaster of a bastard man and astrid is SO fun and im SO GLAD UR EXCITED TOO BECAUSE WE SURE ARE

anyway you just opened pandora’s box and i’m very sorry for the length of the rest of this answer but here we go prepare for some cursed content necessary to answer that question ( | ) w ( | ) it was a Wild Ride getting these two characters to where they are boy howdy 

so the thing is in order to explain how we created these characters i actually have to get into the origins of the fic on the whole because the two are inextricably linked, and also, the origins of this fic are incredibly cursed and you can send all ur hatemail right here go on blast us we’re ready 

but we were talking about caleb and how we’re both excited for whenever astrid and eodwulf turn up, and the thought came up for basically the rough skeleton of that scene in chapter 2: 

“hey how messed up would it be if instead of them both hunting him down like we’re expecting…one of them comes in with a huge savior complex and sincerely thinks he’s delusional and should still be in the asylum, how MESSED UP would that be” 

…and then shortly after that, this happened 

thats the cursed part dont say i didnt warn u but listen you know we’re right

also that pic of caduceus didnt exist back then i went back and got this screenshot just to share the curse with you all

ANYWAY

in classic us format we got carried away and eodwulf got slotted into the role of that scene in chapter two and his character was largely developed around that scene, like, what kind of person would still be clinging to caleb after all this time to that degree to make that happen? and what was come up with was an extremely avoidant person clinging to a fantasy version of things wherein they don’t have to fight

(eodwulf was developed into a Person before astrid, i should note at this point, and ed did most of that developing; i took point on astrid later on)

but around this time i went “screw it im gonna do some concept art we’re both in too deep now” so here’s some of that for u guys 

started with them all as teens and did a couple sketches as well as one of baby (well. teen. so baby) caleb/bren/we were calling him felix at the time as some of u probably already know 

first draft had astrid with longer hair than eodwulf lmao check this out 

flipped the hair length on those two which was for the best because at the time we were imagining eodwulf as a bit more mischevious which is another thing that got reversed over time now astrids the prankster and eodwulfs the overworked mom friend because bren takes astrid’s ideas and makes them SO MUCH WORSE but he still looks better with longer hair and then i played around w/ colors for a while and wound up w/ this

voila, the initial kid concepts, to which subtle yet vital changes were  made after time. if any of you are curious about if im frustrated that that’s still the best i’ve ever drawn eodwulf’s nose the answer is yes. yes i am. 

astrid’s hair is not messy enough, theres not enough freckles, and she does not look ready to fight the entire world for a dare. 0/10. 

anyway then i did adult versions which look WAY OFF NOW LMAO 

eodwulf with way too much beard, looking far too messy when he ought to look very clean so that he can hide how much of a disaster he actually is, and also a glimpse into the very boring Ice Queen/Heartless Bitch we vaguely had astrid as to start with. even more out of character tho is the earring, astrid as she is today would absolutely never tolerate an earring unless she absolutely had to, girl’s got sensory issues but she didn’t back then. ALSO STILL NOT ENOUGH FRECKLE 

anyWHO a while after this it was decided that eodwulf has ADHD, something both the authors have a whole lot of lmao, and that was the point where ed REALLY took off and developing eodwulf went out of control and we both went Well I Guess We’re Gonna Have To Write This At Some Point Now

and with that happening is when developing astrid took more priority i think, because man, at that point in the game she came way too close to that really  annoying trope that shows up in fanfic a lot wherein The Girl is A Bitch who is Getting In The Way Of ~*The Yaois*~ and thats like, thats bad. we knew from the outset we were absolutely not setting this up as a love triangle because we both hate those but even w/ her having no romantic relationship to either of the two, like…she was kind of just There and the one who was most loyal to trent (the only thing of her original characterization that really stuck, honestly) and sooo boring???? 

so like, and i say this honestly, i managed to COMPLETELY FORGET that “reverse sasuke” cursed comment from the beginning of all this and STILL go “well what if we made her more like caleb’s rival that’d be fun” 

and that’s how astrid sorta wound up accidentally morphing into the Scrappy Underdog of this anime trio and calling her a naruto analogue is extremely cursed but also not inaccurate tbh 

started out with the concept of her popping into bren’s window because she heard they were doing magic and wanted to learn it too and evolved from there; we decided that she was gonna be neurodivergent too but, hilariously, initially that she was “the best at pretending to be neurotypical” (WE COMPLETELY REVERSED THAT AND IT IS FOR THE BETTER. SHE’S SO MUCH MORE FUN NOW) and made her also autistic because it one meant she could be like SAME HAT at bren really hard which’d make her feel more like part of the group instead of just the odd one out, and two because it fits with the whole rivals thing

branching off of that we made her just. INCREDIBLY direct. like. astrid’s thought process is “how can i accomplish what i want accomplished with the smallest number of steps? what are the consequences of doing it this way? do i give a shit? no? im gonna do that.” 

(which is why she climbed a tree to get into bren’s attic instead of using the door because that way she just completely skipped having to convince his mom to let her in)

i cant get into it much here because so many spoilers and we’re gonna explore it all, but like, astrid’s backstory turned into this exploration of the intersection of sexism and ableism especially as applied to a medieval-esque society in which the word “autism” doesn’t even EXIST and in which a convenient double standard exists Right There in the form of bren and like,, its gonna be good guys im excited for it 

as far as characters tho she does also have just a touch of Vimes from discworld to her, albeit like, she’s lawful evil to his lawful good, but she’s got the same tendency to stick REALLY FIERCELY to the rules that she thinks are important, even when they inconvenience her, even if it’d be so much easier to bend them just this once 

and for songs i cannot link like any astrid songs because they all might accidentally give away so much BUT I CAN LINK AN EODWULF SONG 

this one was HUGE for him 

uhhhh i think that’s everything i can think of that we can say right now unfortunately so i’ll end this with a comparison to the current teen designs we have now that are being used in the actual fic, even tho im not fond of how bren came out in this picture, but like, for the sake of comparison 

lets see how far we’ve come 

I N C R E A S E    F R E C K L E 

[theselfdoubtdiaries]

Dear Fran,

I cant believe its been over a month since I last wrote to you! Sorry. Things have felt very tumultuous lately. I know we’ve talked a lot on the phone and I will see you tomorrow but I have the space now to write something, or at least start to, now before my psychology session. 

So since I last wrote, I’ve become the Assistant Registrar for the Sydney Biennale, and thus have decided that I would make my image one of my favourite pieces from the Pier 2/3 spaces. This work is by Imanthai Suwauttasilp (I’ve probably misspelt that last name but I’ll correct later). its all these beautiful ant wings made into this coiling snake patterns and displayed on a circular light-box. Its like a swirling ocean moon and I love it. I also enjoy it because its one of the easiest pieces to turn on in the mornings. 

 I dont know what else to write....

I am enjoying my new job. I actually love it although trying to keep the imposter syndrome at bay when you’re the newest member on the team and all your previous experience in conservation and registration is ad hoc, it can be hard to feel confident. I think I’m doing ohk....I just feel very new and worry that I’m not doing enough or have as many skills as I should. But I do love it. Its so exciting to be working with so many cool artworks and learn how they work and how they need to travel etc. 

I actually went and walked around the Biennale sites on Sunday. It was nice to just spend some time with the artworks rather than be constantly rushing through the space or worrying about fixing or maintaining them. I love the rooms they have at the MCA! So good. It’s so well done and the Kiki Smith tapestries are mindblowing. I’ve never been that big on tapestry but OMG. These ones are so expertly done. Its nuts. 

To your point, yes I think reading stories that make us feel validated is hugely important, because it makes us feel not alone. Trying to remember that everyone is muddling through as best they can is so hard sometimes. I often need to be reminded of that...

Anyway it’s nearly time for my appointment but I want to finish on a quote from my dad when we were talking on the phone last night. He’s doing better this morning by the way, but I still don’t know when he’ll get to come home. Anyway I was telling him about how much I’m enjoying this job and he was saying that’s why he stayed at CSIRO for so long, because he so enjoyed his job and what it evolved into. He said he loved because “It forced me to look at things really closely and think about how to best present them to the public.”- Andrew Slee, 6th June 2022.  

I love having these conversations with him because even though our fields are so different, we are able to compare and converse about caring for collections and discuss how you think about presenting knowledge in different formats. Plus its always just nice to hear people you love talk about their passions and aspects of their lives that make them happy. I think he really misses being at work. But i’ll get to visit him today, so hopefully that will be nice. 

See you tomorrow!! 

xxxx Zoe 

[indigo474]

Catch you in a dream

Funny last time i said i stopped dreaming, i had a handful of abstract dreams. I feel like i gloss over everything- writing is time consuming, It is something i enjoy. Im thinking I should dedicate an hour a day. Im not sure if i am going to stay with this format to switch back to pen and paper- maybe both. I wanted to wrote about my trip- i'll state there anyway. I was really feeling the need to be alone. Not depressed or anything- i just felt like i didn't want to be around people- I feel guilty for feeling that way about Mads because LOVE- but really i should'nt. I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting/needing alone time. I had 24 hours to myself and it was wonderful. Monday i had the day that lasted forever. I weighed out the mush and did what is called a lemon tec- in the hopes it would cut down on the nausea- no such luck. It was intense and horrible- or i did'nt handle it well. i went outside a few times - but felt most comfortable in bed. I listened to a pod cast - david choe- it was deep and spiritual- and exactly what i needed to hear. For me he theme of these trips i have been on has been one about love, acceptance, forgiveness- just a feeling of being one with everything and everyone. Living in the moment- enjoying every single moment- i listened to music. I was obsessing about ice tea and pop corn. i was going to walk to the store but i was still feeling i needed to be alone. at a certain point i wanted to take more but didnt. funny when i tripped at the park i layed on the beach for hours-what felt like hours. i did eventually wonder out to a park. there were people but by then i was ok with being around people- obviously- oh i went out to get an iced tea- I felt ok do to a drive thru but not ready to go get popcorn. The park is beautiful and i swear i saw every leaf that fell- and the air was a mix of hot and cold- It felt like the wind was talking to me- talking about change. I looked around and felt love for the people around me- all people- the bench i was sitting on was dedicated to a person- how sweet- to be remembered- probably the most beautiful thing you could do for another human being remember them- or thats how it felt. when i first got there the images in the clouds were fantastic- the wind was whipping and they were moving fast- blink and everything was different- changed. I was slightly bothered by the lady in sitting on her chair in front of me- she had a radio-80's.. i embraced it. OMG- not gonna write an hours. One last thing-

Linda in work keeps lying to me. Its stupid- i take lying very personally- i think with everyone. When she first did it last week i got a weird sensation in my body- I checked the account she lied about so i knew she was lying- flat out lie. I was thinking wtf-and i felt a certain way in my body- so what do i do- somehow i manage to bring the account up today- just to see what she will say. I also have to keep reminding myself that she is a liar- so i bring up this account , the one she has already lied about- lied about everything and wrote in the account exactly what i told her she should have done and said- the phone call would tell a much different story.. much different- she again makes up a fucking story- i felt the same sensation in my body - i dont know what it is- im having some sort of reaction- I really wanted to see if she would lie again- and she did- i have this account number written down- tonight is her late night- im curious to know if she looks at my desk. its not hidden but she would have to look a little. I get offended because i wouldnt lie to her. I have no reason to lie- even if i fucked up an account- guess what Id fucking admit it- its happened and i have. No big deal. No big deal to me- it bothers me and i feel like it shouldnt- why do i care- it almost hurts my feelings- i take it personally. I also feel like i cant lie- all the calls are recorded. If i say something i cant say i didnt say it- there is fucking proof. My Super told me her and i are going to listen to Lindas calls- this is a huge NO NO. I dont have the clearance to listen to calls- Although I have- My Super let me. Anyway-I might suggest we listen to this call. I should probably mind my own business- I may decide to. But seriously why the fuck you gonna lie when your dumb ass is being recorded. And why you gonna lie to me- and say you did this and that when you clearly did not. You can write whatever you want to- its what you said that matters.

One other thing- the message from the Universe has been- trust the timing of your life- loud and clear. glad for the daily reminder- whats for me is mine- there is nothing i can do mess it up- i need to trust. Sometimes i think maybe i did mess things up- missed my chance. I have to trust and believe that my life is unfolding exactly the way it should be. I have a good feeling- i didn't mess anything up- impossible- my life was written in the stars before i was born- speaking of stars i saw them this morning- someday im going to see so many stars in the sky, i won't be able to count them.

[yeoldontknow]

Hi love. Congratulations on another milestone. People are discovering what a precious gem you are. I don't normally request anything ever but can I request 101 with Im Jaebum as an angsty*cough cough* smut, ehem...Here's to more and more people finding a girl who loves Park Chanyeol and Jung Hoseok with everything she is. And whose writing will being you to your knees. Love you Kat ♥♥♥♥

jfasjfalkfjl there is some smut here but like its mostly angst? i cant set up good smangst in a drabble format someone teach omg I LOVE YOU!

Prompt: 101: You don’t hate me, quit lying to yourself. Pairing: Jaebum x Reader (oc; female)Summary: After your breakup with Jaebum, you run into him at a bar and realize that old habits die hard. Genre: angst; some light smutRating: RWarnings: explicit language; mentions of breathplay; dirty talk; sexual situationsWord Count: 1,725

The day he left was the day, for you, the world died. Or perhaps, it did not die rather, it simply withered. Time passing around you made you understand that you were aging, becoming consumed by the weight of existence, but your mind found it terribly difficult to care about such a thing when your world was already filled with ghosts. In the kitchen, he lingered, smiling wide and laughing as he made pancakes - badly, and burning them into malformed shapes. In the shower, you could smell him, feel his fingers as they moved through your hair and his skin as he pressed his chest against your back.

Your bed, you thought, was the worst graveyard of all. Beneath the slip of the pillowcases, the down feathers refused to release the indent of his head, anxiously awaiting his return and stubborn in their desire to hold his body close. Wide awake and too aware of your loneliness, the frazzled edges of your heart refused to truly let you recline into the mattress, the springs your dirt and the blankets your coffin. Still, though, you could feel him, feel the even rise of his chest lift the blankets like a phantom limb.

For days afterward, you slept on the couch, told yourself to stop drinking, told yourself to switch to coffee. One night, you left a mason jar full of cold water on the fire escape, told yourself the moon would saturate the molecules and turn you into something cosmic, something transcendent - really, all you were trying to do was leave your corporal form behind. Even when he still wanted to touch you, even when he was here and you thought maybe things were going to be fine, your body had already started to feel like a cage.

It’s these things, you think, that push you out of the mausoleum that is your apartment and into the bar. With heavy footsteps you walk, the pattern strange and uneven as though walking is a task you will have to relearn simply because his hand is not there to hold yours, to a table in the far corner. It’s dim here, dark enough to forget yourself and dark enough to pretend that you don’t mind.

Without the harsh light of a brightly lit, forcibly happy place, you think you can almost move on, think that you can become the person you always wanted to be - the person you thought you were. After one drink, you become an oracle; after two, you become a priest, thanking God and thanking yourself for being strong enough to leave, to remake yourself in public even though you cannot even see yourself. Truthfully, it does not matter if you have reassembled all your parts in all the wrong places. All that matters is that the needle did not hurt.

The anesthetic of the third drink is fading when he walks in, alone and boyish in the way he stands, as if this kind of pain were a casual thing. At first, he does not see you, and you take this opportunity to take him in.

Even at this distance, the scar on his forehead is the first thing you see - or, perhaps, you see it simply because you know it is there. Your lips have kissed that scar, in the harsh light of the sun, in darkness, even in the rain. Your mouth knows its curvature, and, because of this, you think your endearment towards it is deadly. Still, though, you do not mind. Condensation builds on the glass of your drink was you watch him, sweating the same way your skin perspires, melting at the sight of him. Typical, really.

At first you see the scar but it’s the angle of his lips, the sharp turn of his cupid’s bow that makes your gaze linger, turns your gaze from lazy remembrance to the penetration of desire. Your thumbs have felt those lips, tugged at their plumpness and pulled at them with your teeth - you have come against that mouth, hard and long, and with his name on your lips as your hand fisted in his thick hair.

It’s this memory that makes your lips part and your breath halt. It’s during this memory that he decides to turn your way. And, even in the dark, his eyes still find you. Even in the dark, even in all your wrong shapes, you still want him.

When his hands are pressed flat against your back, hot and fingers pressing bruises in the muscles, you start to question how you got here. Somehow, you made it to his car, to the driver’s seat with your knees on either side of his hips and his seat reclined all the way back. The position is awkward, uncomfortable, fitting for how you are now, but you don’t really have it in you to mind. Against your thigh, you can feel the thick hardness of his cock pressing against you as he moves. This is what grounds you to the moment, this and the wetness that pools in your underwear at his touch.

The position is awkward but his mouth against yours is not. His lips, even after all this time, are skilled and remember yours, remember how to fit with yours, as though they are still a puzzle piece made just for you. He’s made it clear they are no longer yours to kiss, but tonight he does not seem to care nor does he want to stop you. Tonight, he kisses you as a means of possession, as though he means to take hold of you and break you apart for the sole purpose of moving inside. Tonight, if he tells you he loves you, you will believe him, even though you know he does not. Not anymore.

In your mouth, his tongue is needy. His hands glide down your back, nails scratching hard enough to leave marks - you welcome them. They slide past the waistband of your jeans, burying beneath the cloth and cupping your ass to push you down onto his covered cock. Both of you break apart to gasp at the sensation, pulling back enough to look at each other - really look and see into one another’s eyes.

‘Jae -’ you begin, but he cuts you off.

‘We were always good at this, weren’t we?’

For a moment, you’re distracted by the redness of his lips and the harsh line of his brow. Stern, is how you always said he looked. At this moment, he looks statuesque, like something made of marble, and your soul starts to ache at the knowledge of why you ended to begin with.

‘Sex isn’t the same as feeling,’ you breathe, resting your forehead against his as you struggle to slow your heart rate. It would be best, you think, if you could remove your hands from his hair. You hesitate, though, because he always did look best with your fingers messing up his style.

‘I feel you right now,’ he says, thrusting up against you as if to prove his point. ‘Why can’t that be enough?’

With a moan, you nestle your face into his neck and suck at his pulse. Beneath your lips he is vital, alive, absolutely flourishing in his desire for you, but this was the only time you ever felt connected, felt like he cared. This was the only time he ever felt like something living, like something yours, and you squeeze your eyes shut as you try to speak.

‘Because it doesn’t last.’

Eventually, his pulse will slow. Eventually, things will return to how they used to be. Whatever this is, you don’t think you could survive it twice.

‘The feel of your cunt around my cock always lasts.’ Once more his fingers press into your ass, and you know that if he could, he would spank you hard enough to leave a mark.

‘Jaebum,’ you hiss, biting your lip as you pull away from his neck.

He pulls one hand away from your ass to rest it against your throat, tilting your head back to expose the length of your neck to him. Fear should come into play here, you know that it always should, but even when he presses against you, even when your breath becomes limited, you only ever feel a cascading swell of adoration wash over you. If anyone could control your breath, you think, it should only ever be Jaebum.

‘You always so malleable,’ he says, and you think the word does not fit, think it might be wrong as first. But then, for him, you always did bend to fit his will.

And, because you always bend, you still let him into your house - the house you once shared.

With his body beneath the sheets, the bed comes alive once more. It creaks as it smacks into the wall, as the springs bounce beneath his thrusts. He sweats against you and fucks into you like he’s never had you before, like it’s your wedding night and a way to say goodbye all at once. He fucks you into ash, fucks you into dust. Jaebum fucks you like he’s stopping time itself and erasing you altogether. His cock is buried deep inside you when you come, clutching at his shoulders and eyes wide open, yet seeing nothing.

From you lips, his name spills - loud and broken and splintered, and he swallows it whole, much the same way he swallows your heart.

Your hands shake in the morning after he leaves, your fingerprints tainted and stained with the feel of him, and forced to tap out a text to him against the cold glass screen. As if this feeling would be consolation, as if this feeling could match the burn of his skin.

YN[8:02 AM]: i fucking hate you for what you did to meJB[8:03 AM]: what did i doYN[8:05 AM]: fucked me like i mattered to youJB[8:09 AM]: i told you we were only ever good at sexYN[8:11 AM]: ur such a fucking shitYN[8:13 AM]: i fucking hate youJB[8:14 AM]: you dont hate meJB[8:14 AM]: quit lying to yourself

He is right, you know. The only thing you truly hate is how much you love him.