#i cant believe this took 19 hours to complete

[rosifyyy]

arcaea shenanigans

[soracities]

In my country your grades go from 0 to 20. When I got a 19 my parents used to say "why not 20?" and when i got a 20 they would say "you did nothing more than your job". I was miserable during highschool: my whole personality was constructed around being good at school and all my hobbies were directly tied to it. I got into college with a 19.98 and a complete mental breakdown. Like, full depression, tried to do something very bad mental breakdown.

It took me so long to learn how to like things just because, and how to like things without having to be perfect at them (and that second one is still very tricky: i get a wave of anxiety everytime I try to learn something new and Im not imediatly good at it). And it took me so long to understand that yes, school is important, but

1) school is not the most important thing by far. School is important because being good at it supposedly allows you to have a better job, and therefore more money, and therefore more time and resources to do the things you love. But

1.1) you can get there without school, school is just the most common way to do it, and

1.2) having money and time is meaningless if youre too tired to do anything or if you never developed any interests anyway. Being unhappy to maybe be happy later is stupid. Why not just be happy now.

2) It's all about balance. If the difference between an 18 and a 19 is two extra hours of study, thats ok, I can do it, but if the difference between a 19 and a 20 is three full days spent reading extra material, then its ok not to do it.

3) school does not measure how good you are as a person, or even how smart you are. I believed that for too long because I guess I had too: it was all I had. If I put all that work into school and it didnt mean anything then I wouldnt have anything. But two things:

3.1) I have met some of the smartest people I know here in college, like absolute geniuses when it comes to literature, and they dont have the best grades. Turns out that exams arent the best way of measuring original thoughts or general culture or how you associate different ideas. They just measure how well you memorize stuff and how good you are at understanding what teachers want you to say.

3.2) Im pretty stupid. Like, logical inteligence is off the charts but god am I stupid when it comes to people or day to day things. I burn myself almosy everytime I cook cause Im always touching hot stuff. I dont understand basic social cues and rules. Im pretty self aware but my emotional intelligence is all rooted in rationalizations: i dont understand anything intuitively. I cant drive a car and ill never be able too cause its just too much stuff at the same time. I constantly interpret thing in the most literal way which leads to very akward conversations.

Basically, school is cool but never let it be everything. Do whatever you love and try as hard as you can to be happy. I tried to do it the other way around and I can assure you it doesnt work

thank you so so much for sending this in. genuinely, thank you ♡

[fanficwritinggirl]

This is due to the fact that when i was 14 years old i met Bill Weasley. And when i mean i met him i mean we were only introduced to each other. I was spending the summer at the Weasleys which i did every summer since i started Hogwarts. And this was the one time that Bill Weasley decided that he was going to come and spend a few days with his family and this was when i first met him.

I must admit that seeing him for the first time was like something out of a romance movie or novel. Like time litrally stopped. I remember looking at him and thinking that he was the most beautiful man that i had ever seen. He gave his family a cheerful good morning and kissed his mother on the cheek and then sat down opposite to me. I remember our eyes meeting and he smiled at me and offered his hand to me. "Bill Weasley nice to meet you. You must be Y/N L/N" he introduced. And he said it in the most sweetest way that it made me swoon. I gave him a small smile and a nod and he left it at that. I sat there listening to him talk about his work. And the passion that was in his voice when he spoke of it made me fall for him. I know that it is cleche but that is the only way that i can describe it. I had never met someone as amazing as Bill Weasley and i never shall as i declare that he is the most amazing person that i have ever met. And that might just be my dumb teenage mind but he is in all honsetly as passionate, beautiful individual.

2 years after the battle of Hogwarts i was now 19 years old and you could say that a lot of things had changed since then. Well for a start Ron and Hermione are together. Harry and Ginny are together. And our poor Fred was sadly killed in the battle to sum it up. The dynamic that had taken place in the Weasley house was never the same after the death of Fred. And i wouldnt expect anything less. I miss what the twins had. The pranks that they pulled. I feel as though the light had gone out. That the magic that once filled the home will never be whole again. And that broke my heart. But i am 19 now. An adult and i have to face the fact that life isnt full of happiness and that this was one of the many hard things that i was going to have to face.

Me and Ron sat  in the sitting room of the weasley home playing an intense game of Wizards Chess. And once again i was losing. Ron was still the best chess player that i knew even 8 years later. I groan as Ron beats me once again. "Seriously Ron you have to at least give me a chance to win" i whine. He laughs. "Well maybe if you would practice more you might stand a chance of beating me" he boasts and i gasp. "Ronald Weasley dont be such a cocky git" i say as i hit him in the arm and he laughs at me as i sulk.

"What are you doing now Ron" Hermione asks as she walks in. Ron giggles. "She is sulking because i beat her again at Wizards Chess" he tells her. Hermione shakes her head and kisses his forehead. "Im sorry to tell you this Y/N but i dont think that you are ever going to beat him. Trust me i dont like to increase his ego but he is the best chess player and we both know that" she says sympathetically and i groan again and stand up. "Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We know" i joke and we all laugh.

"Its lovely to see some laughing in here" a voice says and we turn and see Bill Weasley standing at the edge of the sitting room. I freeze not expecting Bill to be here. "Bill what are you doing here" Ron says happily as he stands up and goes to hug his brother. "Decided that i would stay a few days and grace you all with my presence" he states as he hugs Ron. I look at Bill and can see the bags that are under his eyes. Which honestly he looks better then what i expected to look like after everything that he had been through.

Not long after the battle of Hogwarts. Bill and his wife Fleaur divorced. I guess you could say that with the PTSD and the loss of Fred took a toll on their marriage and it inevetable ended in Fleaur leaving on morning and never coming back and a few weeks later divorce papers showed up at shell cottage and then Bill knew that his marriage was over. After signing the divorce papers he moved back in with the weasleys for a few months getting affairs in order and deciding what was the next move which for him was buying an apartment in the city so that he was closer to work and from what i had been told by the rest of the Weasleys his life had been work ever since. It was heartbreaking to see a man that was once so passionate about his work loose that spark because of a broken heart. I had seen him briefly a few months back when i was at diagon alley at the bank and i must admit he looked better now than he did then.

Bill pulls back from Ron and smiles at me and Hermione. "Its nice seeing you two again. Im sorry i havent been around much work and all" he apoligies and me and hermione shake our heads. "Bill dont worry about it. Works work. Your here now" Hermione says kindly. He grins at us. "Thank you that is really nice of you. I just wanted to come and see you all before i go and see Mum. You know her she is going to keep me stuck in converstation all night at this point" he jokes and we all laugh at that. Very well knowing what Molly Weasley was like. "Go on Bill go and see her now if you want to get to bed at a decent hour" Ron says giving him a pat on the back. Bill shakes his head with a grin on his face and heads off upstairs towards. My mind was racing now. Because all i could think about was the fact that the feelings that i had bedded deep down about Bill Weasley were now coming to the surface.

Which a few days later made me completely and utterly scrood. It started with just little things between me and Bill. One morning Molly asked us to wash the dishes and it was just our hands touching that i could feel the sparks that people talk about. All of us playing a game of ball and him moving the hair from the side of my face and staring into my eyes. Him opening the door for me with a smile. It was things like this that made me relise that i was hopelessly in love with Bill Weasley and i could be. He was one of my best friends brothers and that meant that it was a big no no in the eyes of my friendship with Ron which meant that i was going to have to keep my distance.

I was standing at the sink as i was washing the dishes which was something that i offered to always do as a way of helping Molly out which i didnt mind. I loved the view that the kitchen gave me. Right out onto the garden were Ron, George and Bill were currently messing around in the garden together. Casting funny spells on each other and the laughs that was coming from them was bittersweet as there was one Weasley that would have been there. And yes im talking about Fred. And obviously Percy is another weasley sibling which i must admit that after the battle he has tried more with the family but he is still the outsider in a way. I dont know much about Percy and i dont really want to know him all to well.

But back to the view. I loved looking at Bill mess around with his brothers. There was a look of happiness the old Bill in his eyes which i know that we have all missed. The Bill that i remember falling for when i was 14. But this Bill there was so much more to him and that made me more intregued.

"So which one of my brothers are you looking at and please tell me it is not Ron" a voice asks from behind me. I come out of my daze and turn and see Ginny standing behind me. I look at her shocked before shaking my head. "Why would i be staring at Ron Ginny" i ask her confused. She sighs. "Good that is the answer that i wanted now that means that there are only 2 of my brothers that you could have been staring at. Now is it my brother George who is a hilarious guy even though he isnt much anymore but still can be. And can make any girl fall with his jokes. Or is it my eldest brother Bill. Who is passionate, determined and someone who you have been in love with since you were 14. Now let me see ene meany miney..." she says but i cut her off.

"Ginny! Stop okay i know that you know" i burst and she smirks at me. "Of course i know. I know everything. And just to let you know i think you should go for it" she expalins to me with a smirk. I just looks at her and groan. "Ginny he was barley been divorced a year yet alone ready for anew relationship and anyway what about the age difference" i try to excuse so that she would stop talking about it. She shakes me head and me. "No no no. Dont start trying to feed me all of this age difference bs. Come on like 10 years isnt that bad. Like i mean there are people who get married to others who are like 40 years older than them. Which makes you and Bill normal" she trys to persuade me. I sigh and shake my head. "Like i said Ginny he and Fleaur have barely been split up a year. And anyway he probarbly doesnt look at me like that" i doubt and go back to washing the dishes.

"Look Y/N. I know how you feel i thought Harry thought the same thing about me but hey look at us now. We might think one way about something but you know we may be wrong. And i can see the way that you and Bill are together. The way that you two move around each other its like a dance. Its like you two are meant to move together. That you are meant to be together. And i believe in soulmates and i know that you two are. I never got any of this off of Bill and Fleaur. The connection but i do now. And im telling you to go for it. Trust me" she explains. I look at her shocked. Trying to take everything in. She gives me a smile knowing that i am going to think about it. Once she leaves a bend myself over the sink with both elbows on either side of it and put my head in my hands and sigh. This is just making things harder.

Later that night i lie in bed not being able to sleep. What Ginny had said to me had got me fucked up in the way that now i cant decide what to do. I get out of bed after trying for way to long to get to sleep and head down to the kitchen to get myself some milk to help me go to sleep. I walk down there and grab some milk from the fridge and pour some in a pot to put over the stove.

"Y/N" a voice asks and i turn around and see Bill standing there looking at me with sleepy eyes. "Sorry if i woke you"i apoligise. He shakes his head and walks further into the kitchen. "You didnt i was up doing some work" he informs me and i enternally groan. He needs to stop working so much. "Well anyway then. Sorry for disturbing you. Can i offer you a mug of warm milk i heard that it helps on feel more relaxed. Or at least it did when i was a child" i say and he laughs and nods his head. "Yes please but i have a little bit of a request on how to make it better" he says as he walks to the pantree and i pour some milk into some mugs. He comes back out and has some cinnamon in his hand and sprinkles it on the top of the milk. "Mum used to do this when we are little. It just made the drink feel more at home" he says. He turns his head up and looks at me straight in the eyes. And once again there it was. The spark. The connection that i felt was there. To my dissapointment he pulls back and looks at me with intent smile.

"Why dont you try it" he says to me referring to the milk. I break out of the trance that i was in and take a sip of the milk. And he was right. The drink tasted more of home. And now all i could think about when i thought of the milk was him. I see him take a drink of his milk before our eyes meet again. He moves the milk away from his lips and puts it on the counter. He moves closer to me and before i know what is happening his lips are on mine. And a zoo erupts in my stomach. I put my own milk down and wrap my arms around his neck as he deepens it. Devoruing my lips and feeling every part of my body. He moves his hands down to my ass and grabs it pulling me up into his arms before setting me down on the counter.

My breathes are heavy. It is so hard to breathe when i am so intoxicated with him. The feeling of him of my skin. The burning that i feel in my core. This man was a drug. He pulls aways and looks at me. He smirks when he sees me so out of breathe. He moves a part of my C/H out of my face and looks deep in my eyes.

"I have wanted to do that for some long you dont understand. From the first time that i saw you the other day. I knew that you were something else. Something about you was causing me to feel something that i have never felt before and i know now that is because you are my drug Y/N. Your my drug and i hope that i am yours" he asks me. All i can do is nod my head. "Your my drug Bill. And i want all of you" i tell him and once again i am being devoured by him. He lifts me up once again and lifts me upstairs to his room and you can fill in the rest.

The next morning i wake up with Bill lying naked next to me on his back with him slightly snorning next to me. I giggle and turn and stroke his cheek and also planting a kiss. His hands moves up and holds mine and he smiles. "Morning" he says and i smile. "Morning" i say as he kisses me. I sigh. He is my drug. He pulls me closer and groans. "We are going to have to tell them arent we" he asks. I nod as i curl into him. "Yeah we are but i have a feeling that they already know" i inform him and he looks at me confused. "And how would they know" he asks me cheekely. "Well i have a feeling that we may have not been that quiet last night" i say mischeviously. He smirks and leans closer. "I believe that you are correct on that but i would say that it was mostly you calling my name that they heard" he whispers in my ear and i moan. He flips us over and pins my hands over my head. "And i think that for you being a naughty girl and not being quiet last night i might need to punish you" he purrs. The feeling of my core heats up once again. "And how might you do that William" i ask him. I slowly feel him slide his hand down to my pussy and put a finger in and i groan. "I have a few ideas" he says before taking me.

You could say that we were correct. When we walked down the stairs everyone was looking at us. Molly and Arthur looked a little unconfertable. Which i dont blame them. I dont think they preferably wanted to hear their son having sex. Hermione, Ron, Harry and George looked completely shocked and Ginny of course was sitting there with a smug look on her face. Bill sighs. "Ok i know that most of you are shocked right now and i understand that completely. And im sorry that you had to hear that last night. But i just want to let you know that i love Y/N. I love her and some of you might think that it is a bit early after the divorce and all but i know its now. I know that what we feel for each other is stronger than anything that i have ever felt and that will never change. So all i ask is for you please just be happy for us" Bill exclaims. They all just blink at us before Ron is the first to speak.

"Can i just asks. From how hard your bed was going against the wall im surprised that you are even walking Y/N" he jokes. Molly wacks him around the head. "Ronald Weasley" she exclaims and we all laugh. We know that they accept us and Bill kisses my head before we head to the table. We recive some awkward hugs and pats on the back which was expected but at the end of the day i have Bill and Bill has me.

[spitefulqueenofdemons]

https://spitefulqueenofdemons.tumblr.com/post/643713435650113536/sleep-deprived part 2

Pushing Up Daisies chapter 3

Tw: language, murder, guns, cops, mentions of drugs

Word count: 1373

Summary: After having woken up tied to a chunk of concrete under water and doing an unspeakable act (for your survival??) You find yourself out of options and people to help. Well almost, the only one you think might be able to help is the one who got you in this situation in the first place

After a long shower and several hours on the internet searching for anything that could tell you what was going on. Apart from a few hundred movies and books with undead content the most concrete actual zombie anything you could find was mostly about the voodoo dust that people used to put others under control. And back in the 18, and 1900s people accidentally being buried alive. 

There was virtually nothing about zombies in Seattle. All you knew for sure was what had happened to you. You confronted Blaine, he grabbed you, shot you, dumped you in a lake and you woke up you dont know how long after underwater with no need to breath. 

As you thought and absently read yet another article about 'Haitian Zombies' you rubbed your hand against your wrist that Blaine had grabbed you with. The scratch marks on your arm were as faint as old scars but you could feel them still.

And just like that realization hit. The red eyes made sense. Blaine was a zombie, and that lady who was working the front counter probably was too. It had to be some sort of virus or something that could be transferred through scratch. The teenager in you was thrilled that zombies were real and not mindless corpses that just wandered around destroying everything it came across. Sure when you first emerged from the lake you couldnt control yourself and killed that poor innocent man but you were literally starving. 

Perhaps that was the down side. The hunger is enough to blind you from any moral standing. Even more unfortunate, you didnt know how long what brains you did eat earlier would keep you satiated and you didnt have a way to get more without committing more murder. You didnt know anything about the zombieism other than the scratch causes it. 

You really only had an one option. Go back to Blaine. He had options. Once you got there he could kill you, or turn you away, or kill you. You had gone in only, according to your microwave, 8 hours ago guns blazing accusing him of being a utopium dealer. How could you expect him to help. 

Now you also knew you couldnt go to the police. As an officer you knew they would either freak out or hide it. And by hiding it you knew that would mean hiding you, IE killing you and sweeping it under the rug. They might turn you over to some higher part of the government. The type that does a bunch of invasive and usually very painful experiments and research. 

You could just drop it. Leave town and change your name. But then again that brings up the issue of how will you eat? Murder is just too horrible an option for you. Grave robbing coukd be viable but half decomposed chemically drowned brain is almost as bad as the moral stand still of murder. 

Deciding on your course of action you breezed to your closet, choosing a simple black hoodie, dark jeans and boots, and a ball cap to hide your snowy hair to wear. You grabbed a glock 19. Not the gun you had when you went to visit Blaine in the first place. That one was gone, probably in Debeers' personal stash now. This time though if he pulled so would you. 

Without a vehicle, you assumed it would no longer be parked where you left it in front of MEATchute, you were instead forced to catch a bus to the opposite side of town. The open sign was off but you could see people behind the counter. It looked like they were counting the drawer.

You beat on the glass with an open palm, hard enough for it to make a lot of noise but not hard enough to shatter the glass. The older woman from when you first came was the one to open the door. She looked like she had seen a ghost, but still somehow like she didnt care. 

"Cant you read the sign? We are closed. That means you dont have to go home but you sure as shit cant stay here." She half growled. 

You rolled your eyes, half willing to punch her in the face if she wanted to get cocky. "Move. Wheres Debeers?" You demanded, eyes flashing past the stumpy woman and to the counter where a large man with dark hair stood sizing you up. "You," you said. You recognized him as one of the names that gave a name that then gave you Debeers. "You work for him. I shouldnt be surprised." 

He cocked an eyebrow. "Cissie, let her through." The man said. He looked like a knock off version of Patrick Warburton. "You are supposed to be dead little lady. You got lungs of steal or are you one of us?" 

You scoffed, wanting to hit them all. You knew it wasnt a part of the zombieism either. These fuckers were all instrumental in your death. That enough was reason for a slight beating. "I got nothing to say to you Julian. I'm here for Blaine and I'm not leaving till I get to talk to him." You demanded, stomping up to the counter. 

The man sighed as if this was one of the last things he wanted to deal with. "Well he isnt here but I'll call him. See if he wants to talk to you. Follow me." He said, gesturing to you. 

Not exactly happy, but pleased you were getting what you want, you followed the man behind the counter. He took you further into the building and finally into a room off the kitchen that actually looked like a real office. The large mahogany desk was a mess with files and papers, on top of them all was the stolen file from your apartment. There was a few random art pieces. 

"Wait here. Someone will be by soon." He instructed, leaving you in the room alone. Trusting that you wouldnt snoop. Normally you would but this situation was not the time. You needed help, and had already pissed off two of the three people you knew had a hand in that. Snooping through Blaine's real office would be like flipping the bird after you already spit on and slapped someone. Definitely not a good idea on your part. 

It took less than 20 minutes before the door opened again and a familiar blond haired blue eyed gangster opened the door. "Ah Detective. What an unpleasant surprise. I didnt know you walked amongst the undead." He said with an air of genuine shock. "When Julian told me I really didnt believe him. You took those bullets like a mortal. What happened?" 

You laid out your wrist on the desk, the marks almost completely gone. He crossed to the other side and sat down, moving the little lamp that was sitting at the corner of the table. He shone the lamp over my arm and the little pink marks showed up. 

Blaine 'tsk'ed. "Was it me?" He had a fake look of disgust on his face. "It was me wasnt it. Damn it, I knew I shouldnt have blown off my manicure appointment this morning." He shook his head. "Thats why you arent dead. You gotta be starving though. Would you like a snack? Pudding? Crackers and cheese? Brains?" He questioned. 

You looked at the mark on your wrist in the light, your jaw clenched a little. "No thanks I already ate, but that is part of what I would like to discus." 

At that his eyes widened with actual shock. "Um, you already ate? Did you kill someone or dig up a body?" When I didnt answer he nodded knowingly. "You killed someone. Oh I bet that was a sight. Sorry about the cinderblock by the way. I didnt think you would be waking up. Im sure it wasnt the best alarm." 

You scoffed, a little thankful he stopped asking about your food source. "Waking up underwater was definitely a new experience, but then again so far my whole evening has been new experiences." You told him. 

"Well, allow me to formally welcome you to the land of Zombies. I'll explain everything."

[writes-eat-sleep-repeat]

Seeing Red

Prompt: PMS days

Pairing: Spooky x Reader

Warning/ notes: Major fluff. Not grammatically correct. Currently on my menses which inspired this one shot. Hope it can comfort other spooky lovers during their time of the month. Enjoy ;)

Summary: Spooky takes care of his girlfriend when she’s on her menses. Just him and her!

Word count: 2063

As you opened your eyes you peered through the curtains of your room and noticed it was a rainy day outside in LA. The sky was somewhere between a light gray and the cusp of a white. They kind of color that hurt your eyes if you stared at it to long. Rubbing the sleep out of your eyes you rolled over on your back and instantaneously felt the stinging in our stomach. It was day two of your menses. They worst day of them all. often you thought about what it might feel like to get shot and came to the conclusion it couldn’t possibly be any worse than this. While you laid back staring up at the ceiling you heard your phone vibrate. Looking over all you could mutter was “shit” 8 miss calls and 15 text. You looked at the clock on the nightstand to your left 10:00 am. Opening the text you scroll to the top and began reading

‘Hey mama’-3:15 pm

Missed call 3:30 pm

‘Hello’-4:00pm

Missed call 5:00 pm

‘Y/N’-5:30 pm

Missed call 6:00 pm

‘Y/N pick up the phone’- 6:30 pm

The calls and messages entwined like this for the next couple of hours until you guess your boyfriend finally fell asleep. You cant believe you slept for basically 19 hours straight. Aside from a few bathroom and water breaks where you had to use all the power you could muster up to complete those task, you somehow forgot to check your phone. Throwing your arm over your face to block out what little light was peaking through the window you could hear your roommate/ best friend Rebecca getting ready for work. BUZZZZ someone rang the doorbell. You heard him before you saw him. Out in the living room talking with you bestie, ‘where is Y/N’ he asked her. Oh no. He sounds pissed.

You laid frozen with your hand over your arm wanting the earth to swallow you whole. ‘She’s not feeling well’ you heard Rebecca respond. You always avoided Oscar on days like this because you were afraid to get mad and finally scare him away with your crazy . He burst into your room bringing the bright light from the hallway with him. You felt the irritation slowly building. Removing your hand with a sigh you look over to your right at the door. ‘Couldn’t pick up your phone’ he asked with a particular edge to his voice that brought out your annoyance to what seemed to be instantaneously. ‘I was sleeping’ you said letting acid seep into your voice. ‘For a fucking day’ he yelled. That’s it, you thought sitting up it bed which was followed by a gush of blood below causing you further annoyance.

“I’m not dealing with your shit today. 1. I spoke to you yesterday afternoon and its only 10 am meaning it wasn’t a whole fucking day. 2. Becca told you I wasn’t feeling well and instead of coming in here and asking if I’m okay you choose too come in here and yell at me like your my daddy. 3. Your not my daddy 4. My hormones are all over the place and I literally feel like i am dying so unless you plan on helping and not being an ass I suggest you leave.’ Oscar who you never ever send away looked more hurt than even mad that you yelled at him. He never took that kind of disrespect from anyone being the gang leader he is. ‘Okay, well.. what’s wrong? ummm... how can I help?’ he asked. ‘ you cant’ you replied. “Y?N...” ‘I have to go to the store and get some stuff.’ You swung you legs of the bed and tried to stand up only to be meet with crippling pain. Before you could even fully bend over to hold your stomach Oscar was there pushing you back onto the bed. ‘Your not driving like this’ he said. ‘Tell me what you need and ill get it for you’ he finished. ‘ you cant, ok its personal girl stuff’ you replied shyly. ‘ I didn’t ask you what it was. I said to tell me what you need’ he sternly answered. After writing a list that and handing it to him he said he’ll be back in 15 minutes. You took this time to take some pain medication and crawl to the bathroom just barely managing to take a shower while he was gone. Rebecca poked her head in to let you know she was heading out so you knew it was time to leave the shower so you could let Oscar back in. Standing in your room trying to figure out what to wear you decided on a pair of black leggings and one of oscars hoodie that you stole from him. You just needed to be comfy. As you were pulling the hoodie down over your head you heard the door buzzz. Heading out the the front door you pulled it open to find Oscar with 4 shopping bags. He walked past you to the kitchen and put them on the counter. ‘What exactly did you buy Oscar I only asked for a pack of pads and a soda” you asked quizzically, with what you were sure was a confused look on your face.

‘Well you said always overnight but they had 2 different kinds and I didn’t want to call you so I got both and then i got you some Advil, i mean I don’t know if that works for that kind of pain’ he said gesturing towards your stomach ‘but, i got it anyway and the lady at the store said it was good and suggested i get you something sweet and I couldn’t decide on one, so i bought one of every candy and...’ he didn’t get to finish his rambling because you walked over to him and kissed him lovingly to interrupting, he responded by holding your neck firmly in place and meeting you with the same level of passion. Pulling away for oxygen you looked up into the liquid brown eyes of Oscar Diaz and all you could say is ‘I love You’. “Go sit down mama I’m making breakfast” was his response. “Ummmm...I kinda wanted ice cream for breakfast’ you said. ‘Ice cream is not breakfast. No wonder i cant get cesear to eat any real food’ he teased you. Knowing you looked after the younger Diaz while he was locked up. ‘Hey. I eat real food but today my a baby maker wants ice cream so, I eat ice cream’ you joked. Walking over to the couch in the living room knowing he will never let you eat the ice cream first.

Settling down under the black throw that was on the couch you began to flick through Netflix trying to find something to watch. Settling on a romantic comedy. It wasn’t t long before Oscar walked over with your plate in hand. You couldn’t help but laugh as he approached you in Rebecca’s -queen of the kitchen-apron. Your attention then turned on the intoxicating smell drifting off the plate in his hand and settling in your nose. Homemade fluffy pancakes, eggs and fried salami (Oscar knew you weren’t a bacon person). He handed you the plate and placed his on the coffee table before heading back to the kitchen to remove the apron and grab your drinks. By the time he returned you were already half way through your meal. As he sat down to begin his meal. You were full and much more happy, you still couldn’t escape what you could only assume to be a stabbing taking place in your stomach but this is as happy as you were gonna get. You were content. Watching Oscar eat you eyes drifted to the santos tattoo on is neck and dirty thoughts began popping into your head. Just filthy thoughts, scooting a little closer to your man you kissed it midway him bringing some eggs to his mouth. He paused looking at you from the side through those long eyelashes with a lifted eyebrow.

That put your hormones in overdrive, you wanted him now! ‘ I liked the breakfast’ was all you could manage. Shaking his head he returned to his meal. You kissed his tattoo again, then licked it and then began sucking it. You hadn’t realized Oscar had put his dish down when he lifted you onto his lap. You were face to face, sitting on his lap you noticed he was a little hard. Biting your lip and now staring at his lips thinking of all the possibilities you could do with his mouth he smiled. Damnit the dimples. At this point you couldn’t blame the full wetness on the blood. Ugh, why did you have to have a period. ‘Hi’ he said still smiling. “Hi” you smiled back, clearing your throat “ummm... I really, really liked the breakfast” you continued. “I appreciate the gratitude and the delivery of it but, I don’t think you should start something you cant finish right now in your current state” he replied. ‘Oh’ you answered climbing off of him bringing you knees to your chest. You know his rejection was well placed and he was right but with your hormones all over the place it hit you harder than you expected. ‘Hey, hey he said moving it closer to you. You know I would do absolutely terrible things to you Mi amor, but your not at 100 right now and I don’t want you feel like you have to have sex for me to stay. Okay? He asked. ‘Yeah, umm.. that wasn’t for you but, Okay.’ nodding you moved over to curl up next to him as he finished his meal. Peaking up at him every now ad then you started thinking about how you both had changed.

You knew Oscar essentially Your entire life. Your dad’s were cool and so Oscar spent a lot of time in your fathers auto shop learning, since your dad never had a son he welcomed the apprenticeship. You were no tomboy and completely against anything other than reading. It wasn’t that far fetched you and Oscar began dating in high school. You remembered the first time getting your period and trying to explain what was happening to him; you not even knowing yourself. ‘So your bleeding’ twelve year old Oscar asked. ‘Yes’ you replied. ‘From your Vagina’ he whispered. ‘ yes’ you whispered back. “So... why does this happen?’ He asked. ‘Well my mom said when you are growing up it happens when you don’t have a baby. I think’ you replied. ‘So, your body is hurting you because you don’t have a baby?’he asked. ‘Ummm... yeah, I guess’ you answered. ‘So why not just have a baby? Said Oscar ‘ I asked that too, my dad said because he’ll kill me. So I guess I’m suppose to just suffer in silence’ you answered.

The memory bought a smile to your face and a small giggle escaped your lips causing Oscar to glance down quizzically at you now cuddled up next to him with your head on his shoulders. “ I was just remembering the first time I got my period and you thought having a baby would be the answer to all my menses related problems” you answered his unspoken question. ‘It still could be’ was all he replied shaking his head’ Smiling, most likely remembering the memory too. ‘I’m sorry I yelled at you earlier’ he continued. ‘It’s just being me...well people... its hard...-I know’ you cut him of. ‘Being you is hard and you not only have to think about you but the gang as well , Cesar....Me. I know you, your head goes to the worst possible scenario automatically. I know how worried you get. I should have checked my phone. I’m sorry too” you said pecking him on the cheek. With a quick nod of the head he returned his attention back to the screen. He wasn’t a man of many words. You two watched movies for the rest of the night. There were far and few instances when you had Oscar to yourself. When he was Oscar and not spooky. You relished these moments, these feelings and saved them for times when being is girlfriend seems less than ideal. For tonight, it’s enough to just cuddle up with your man and watch a movie.

[hitsuackerman]

Unpredictable (Overhaul x Reader) pt.19

a/n: so... uhh... nothing much happens here but the last part is worth it :’) i guess? hope ya’ll like this nonetheless! 

warnings: this cannot be read solo

Links: part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6, part 7, part 8, part 9, part 10, part 11, part 12, part 13, part 14, part 15, part 16, part 17, part 18, part 20

Masterlist to my other fics: here :)

Overhaul’s waiting list: @jjk-biased @infinite-universe-love @dirtypride @blackymomo03 @azzie @purple-rabanito​ @meximorrita @awesomeee19​​ @celestial-kanzakii​ @laure-lo​ @team-wang-puppy​ @aydience-world​ @choros-main-hoe​ @colorseeingchick​ ��@but-kairis-not-that-smart (i cant seem to tag again :( hope this lands in your timelines!)

Two days since that fated encounter with Chronostasis, you were now left with a vacant rest day. And where better place to spend it than with Dr. Hanayaka. Setting an appointment with him, as he liked to call it, you were tasked to help with the blood pressure for each patient he had. Luckily, his schedule wasn’t that straining.

“So you mean to say, his henchman met with you in secret?” Gei asked and raised an eyebrow. With his stethoscope resting on his shoulder and white coat on, it was sometimes hard to believe that this flamboyant man was a well respected doctor. “And handed you trash man’s sim card?”

“Yeah. I’ve already checked the contents of the sim and there’s not a lot to go on.” Aside from your messages, the contents of his inbox were that of an average man’s. Expecting some tea about his trade or even important numbers of other villains, you had to think whether or not Chrono deleted some or not.

“And what about that plan of yours, hmm?” Gei fixed his eyelashes before staring back at you. “What if it backfires and Chrono takes the blame?”

“He won’t. My instructions were clear and I set a time frame as well. Just something to please the heroes for setting me up.”

“You movin over to the dark side, baby girl?”

“Just balancing things out.” You shrugged. “Levi made it clear that they shouldn’t interfere with my relationship with Overhaul. Even though I’m on justice’s side, I still want to tip the scales a bit due to personal reasons.”

“Wouldn’t your badge and title be removed if they found out? And why in Todrick’s name are you so chill with this topic?! Are you certain you don’t have a bug on you?” Your friend eyed you down so quickly. Worried that policemen might end up barging inside his office.

“Don’t worry. I’m wearing new clothes so there’s no way they can. Besides, I’m being as cautious as ever. Seriousness aside, I do have some information you might want to feast on.” You smirked at the mental image of a maskless Chrono.

“Spill…” Gei shifted in his seat and leaned in closer. The look on your face only meant one thing.

“Okay, so Overhaul’s right hand man was the one who met me right? Well~ He took off his mask and I will have to admit the man looked hella fine~”

“Describe! Describe!”

“For starters, he has bluish-gray eyes. Though he looks like he wants to kill a person right there and then, he probably could since his jaw was rather prominent. His voice without the mask is different too.” You watched as Gei listened with such focus. “But, if I were to be honest, describing him doesn’t do him good. He looks really handsome.”

“Why is it always the villains who look good?” Gei commented with a pout. “Hawks aside, because that man is something else, but they just hit different you know?”

“That’s true. Shame they have to wear those masks, though.”

“On the contrary, I think it’s good that they do. Otherwise they’d have to endure the wrath of fan girls.”

“Right. Also feels good when they trust you enough to show what’s behind the mask.” Nodding at your own statement, the memory of having lunch with Overhaul came back. With no given warning, he took off his mask and casually drank water. Realizing that he had done it on purpose, a tiny smile formed on your mouth.

“If you miss him that bad, just call him.”

“He changed numbers and I’m not that desperate to ask Chrono for it. Nao said in due time he’ll contact me but the chances of that are negative.”

“Honey, it’s the modern era. Women aren’t as shy as they were before. If you want something, go and get it. If it is a guy’s new number, then go ahead. It’s not just men who make the first move. And besides, I think Overhoe would be surprised if you just suddenly ring his doorbell.”

“You do realize, I do not have the same confidence as you.”

“Fake it till you make it, boo.” He snapped his fingers in a z-formation.

“You’ve been watching Soopernatural again, haven’t you?”

“Okay, first off, Jenred Padackles is a god and I would worship his feet. Second, that show has references to everything and you can’t deny that.”

“Yeah, you’re right.” Standing up from the sofa, you stretched your limbs. “Anyway, I gotta scram.”

“Where you headin’ off to missy?”

“I have to meet up with Nao regarding the Fukuo Kai case.”

“But it’s your day off. Get a life and do something else other than work, (n/n).” Gei threw a pen to your direction but you dodged it effortlessly. “Don’t make me tell your father.”

“It’s only for a few minutes. It’s in preparation for tomorrow.” Not bothering to wait, you exited the room and sofly closed the doors to his office. Time spent with Gei was always an eye opener. However, it still wasn’t enough for you to stoop so low and ring his doorbell.

Making your way out of the hospital, you took a quick stop to the vending machines and chose a cold cafe au lait. Perfect for the hot and humid weather Japan had to offer. Feeling the cold liquid running down your throat was amazing and within seconds, you downed the whole drink. Tossing the empty bottle to the recycle bin, a gust of wind caused you to lose balance.

“Oh no.”

“Oh yes.”

“I have a meeting to attend to Hawks.” Hawks took his visors off and ruffled his wings. Offering to buy him a drink, he chose a tetra pack of  apple juice. Walking to the vacant bench, you followed him and decided that perhaps his visit would be worth it. “So what did the bird hear today?”

“Twice and Toga Himiko.”

“League of-” Then it hit you. “I see. Since when?”

“Yesterday. One of my informants saw them entering the base and left late at night. They didn’t look too happy about it, though.” Lowering his headphones, he ruffled his hair and stared at the clear blue skies. “Do what you will with this information. Just thought I’d let you know.”

“How and why do you even bother?”

“I work for the HPSC dove. If I don’t want them getting in my head, I gotta kick their crotches first.”

“That’s not the best analogy.”

“Still works though.” He winked and put on his headphones and visors back. Standing up, he offered a hand and you accepted it. Tailing you, Hawks was now opening the door for your car. “And one more thing, another of my birdies caught the scent of the quirk erasing bullets nearing its completion stages. Probably 80% now.”

“That’s fast.” You had to admit.

“Heard he’s been pissed. Be careful baby bird.” Hawks closed your door and saluted before flying off.

80%? That was enough information to speed up the Shie Hassaikai raid. Reaching out for your bag, you took the burner phone you recently purchased and reread each message the both of you exchanged. With two League of Villains now part of the yakuza, the possibility of casualties was much higher now.

Within minutes, you were now on the road. Fingers tightly wrapping the steering wheel. Your thumb bouncing with growing guilt at choosing to hide what Hawks had just said. Of course this wasn’t to ensure his victory, it was to even the field, right? It was the pettiness taking over you and Nighteye going against his words. It had to be.

Turning towards the precinct, you saw your designated parking area. The basement parking was a bit crowded today.

Heading towards the meeting room Tsukauchi had prepared for the small info sharing, you greeted fellow coworkers and kept conversation till you disappeared around the corner. Not too long after, you were now fiddling with your fingers. Basking in the silence till the doors opened revealing your partner and Shinezu. Both men took their seats and commenced the meeting.

“So, Shinezu will be tagging along.” He nodded at your coworker who seemed to be trembling at the thought. “It’ll do you good, Shinez. Trust me.”

“I-I know, Tsukau-kun.” He adjusted his tie, loosening it a bit. “I just think I’m not cut out for this mission you know? I do better behind the scenes.”

“While I believe that’s true, the 4th division works best when you’re around.”

“That’s true.” You agreed. Shinezu may not be the most social cookie out there but his brain was close to Namase. He also had the knack of coming up with solutions when things went wrong. All he needed was to amp his social skills. “We all know the 4th division leader is weak for you.”

“Not t-true.”

“All too true. You’ll be fine, Shinez. Have I ever lied to you?”

When the raven-haired man finally nodded his head, Tsukauchi cleared his throat and relayed the plans for tomorrow. It was the standard undercover data gathering in your books.

“So, to recap, the 4th division will be handling the snooping and we’ll remain on guard should all else fail?” You repeated the information given. Tsukauchi scratched his chin and nodded. Confirming that you had fully understood his message. “All this should happen within 5 hours. Got it. That’s quite cramped but manageable.”

“5 hours was the only allotted time I could fit in.” He scratched his nape and looked away. “You were right when I had to take it slow with my cases.”

“I’m not one to comment~” Waving the conversation aside, you stood up and the others followed.

With the short meeting now over, Tsukauchi and you were now seated in the break room. Cups of coffee present as you exchanged more information about your days and current mission. For a brief moment, despite him not being a part of the Shie Hassaikai Raid, you wanted to pour every single information you had just gained from Hawks. The lingering guilt was much more present now.

“You’re spacing out.” He snapped his fingers in front of you. “You alright?”

“Aside from the growing problem of trashman, I’m fine. Just a lot on my mind.” Taking a sip from your coffee, the usual taste of bitterness was strong today. “Nothing to worry about~”

“You should go home, (n/n). I already took up a portion of your time. Any more and I might drown from embarrassment.”

“That’s gross. Even coming from you.” Kicking him from under the table, the two of you laughed before chugging the remaining drops of coffee. “I will take that offer though. Need me some beauty sleep before shit happens again. See ya!”

Hours had passed and you were now stuffing your face with chips. He was right when he said you had purchased too much but you weren’t complaining. The movie playing now was one of your favorites, Prisoner. Gake Jyllenhall was divine in this movie. It was always the twist of the movie that kept you watching it over and over again.

“I wonder if we had watched this… would the wall pinning  happen?” You thought out loud. Shaking your thoughts away from him, you stopped the movie and stored the chips.

Now that you were settled in bed, Overhaul’s jacket rested on top of you. By now, his scent had disappeared and was now replaced by yours. Grabbing your phone, you opened the messaging app and clicked on a certain conversation. Rereading his messages was not the best idea but at least you would be able to relive whatever memories you had created.

Glancing at your desk calendar, in just two months time, you would meet him again. Would things still be the same? Or would things go back to the way they were? Tucking your phone under the unused pillow, you willed yourself to sleep and surprisingly succeeded.

Waking up not so refreshed happened again. But, nothing out of the ordinary. Not being a morning person, you dragged your body away from the bed and began the necessary clothes. Deciding to just buy breakfast, it took you less than an hour to lock your doors and head over to the parking lot.

Making your way up the steps, you met up with Shinezu.

“You look like shit, Shinez.” You teased him. “Take a chill pill.”

“I already did. But it’s still not working. This would be the first case in a while where I’ll interact with others.” Leading the way, the both of you were now walking through the empty hallways. The sounds of your footsteps muffled by the cheap carpeted floors. “How do you guys even manage to survive situations like these?”

“By taking it one step at a time~” Not the best advice for someone who’s socially challenged but it is what it is.

Opening the doors for you, the both of you entered the room and took your designated seats. A bunch of people from the 4th division were now present. Tsukauchi had not yet arrived but it was still early so it was excusable. Exchanging a few small talk, you caught up with what the 4th division was up to till the doors finally opened.

“Good morning everyone.” Tsukauchi greeted. Feet glued to his spot. His eyesight focused on you. “Before we head out, we have a special guest joining us.”

“Holy shit.” Shinezu uttered under his breath.

- - - - -

a/n: shits bout to go down again! I would like to take this time to thank each one of you who take the time to read this! Unpredictable was supposedly a 10 chapter story but we bout to reach 20 now! i cant really respond to your comments as much but i read all of ‘em and they always make my day :’) my schedule has just been very hectic these days huhu and yeas that ends my rant~ see ya’ll next week! :* and yes, the waiting list is still open :)

[morgannwilsonnn]

Chapters

I would be lying if i said i wasn't scared to start college in 12 day's. Even typing it makes me anxious, i don't think i have ever seen my own true potential in anything i have ever done. my doubt's and my fear's of what if have always held me back in some way and what is embarrassing is the fact that i have allowed it to become so normal that it has taken so much from me, it has degraded me made me feel like i wasn't worthy or smart enough or even capable.

See i didn't even finish highschool i got my GED after having my daughter at 16, i was the athlete everyone thought would make it but it was a shocker to them after that no one believed in me and i had a fire under my ass to prove them wrong even with a GED but then i dropped out of college and life happened i needed a job and a roof and from there i just got comfortable in what i did but even then it didn't feel like i was where i was meant to be. sitting behind a desk forever living life just enough to get by but never enough to do the things i wanted with my daughter. I looked for new job's with no luck and it made me feel even worse not good enough i felt stuck but i kept trying and even praying that this life wasn't what was meant for the rest of my life i somehow had to get out of the cycle and beat the statics of a single mom working 9-5 living on state for the rest of her life... then i got fired and lost my car almost lost my home i started busing tables even tho it wasn't nearly enough to pay all my bills i took turn running late on one or the other just to make it. Then i found i new job making 19 a hour but my first two days over whelmed me i didn't understand shit and how could i set myself up for failure i didn't believe in myself so i quit and went back to busing tables got pregnant had health issues and became a stay at home mom for going on two years now.

my life summed up over the last four years of my life.

being a stay at home mom has taught me alot about myself tho mainly that it is not easy and you fall into dark cracks sometimes so dark you're scared that you'll never resurface the cries become tuned out you forget that outside is even a place you cant help but cry as you wash dishes with no thoughts other then just feeling sad. you wonder if your kids would be better off without you because you feel guilty for being so comfortable with the feeling of frustration. but then you resurface and come back and say you wont go back but its like someone with a drug or alcoholic addiction you are bound to relapse back and it only gets worse but you hide it better each time you cry in the shower or when the kids are napping you sit up restless because your mind races. you start to feel like you have nothing to offer you completely forget your worth and what you can do your potential.

BUT everytime i tried to find a solution maybe i needed to set a goal to go out once a month or sit alone for a hour every day go to the gym go on a walk go shopping go to counseling and some how i still kept falling in between the cracks deeper and deeper.. i lost hope i wallowed that this was my life that i would never have my own life again but i had to love it because i loved my kids..

till one day i woke up and realized this person i have became over the last two years isnt who i have ever been. i am a strong working strong willed self determened women and the only thing that stopped me was me.

i remember sitting there thinking how bad i wish i could buy my own car again after watching tyler buy his the joy in his face made me happy but the sadness i felt because i didn't take a part made me want that happiness 100% to share TOGETHER. i started looking at my credit from when i lost my job it went to shit i use to have a 880 credit. and i thought what the fuck morgan... i told myself i would pay off one of the things as a starter to fixing my credit but once i made the first payment i cant explain how good it felt to know i wouldn't look back wishing i would have paid it then and it put a fire under my ass that i paid off three more things. that alone made me realize how it felt to have my own control over my financial freedom. i started thinking big after that and looking back into school for PTA 2 year schooling i could have finished that by now and been a PTA by the age of 20 instead of dwelling in my could have i realized instead how fast two years goes by so i started investing my free time on how to start college im not gonna lie i almost quit at the starting line but i didn't i started blowing up the schools phone asking questions more then once writing all over my notebook reorganizing it all on a new sheet and finally i would be starting school oct 18th..

but why would i wanna stop there when i could only dream of all these things in life a tahoe for my kids to have a nice car with back ac a nice house so they dont have to share a room anymore paying for sports clothes trips just because wanting to finish paying off the rest of my credit so i can do these things! i asked myself how bad did i really want it and i always knew i wanted it bad but just because you want something bad doesnt mean you get it so i asked myself how bad are you willing to invest in yourself... and that one caught me so i sat back for a few days exploring jobs and nothing fit my schedule so i gave up because not only that child care is 900 a week for one kid.. but then i got a text for a night time job working 6 hours from 6:30 to midnight .. i debated with myself about it because my man works till 5 some days i would never see him and only have sunday monday off but then i told myself invest and sacrifice now so i dont have to when my kids are older so i took it and granted i will be going to school part time 7am to 10am dropping my daughter off at school at 10;45 to pick her up at 2:30 and have time inbetween the time gaps to do her homework and mine as well as study before work at 6 i will be a tired beezy but i know it will be worth it three years from now. if i grind at night pay off my last two things on my credit start saving and graduate college all while showing my kids and man i can do it and i will do it not just for myself but for them because nothing in this life is impossible when you wake up and realize you build your own potential no one else and i for once in my life want to prove to myself how strong i am .

[horansqueen]

You & Me : chapter 34

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

Sequel to AM CONVERSATIONS

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21 || CHAPTER 22 || CHAPTER 23 || CHAPTER 24 || CHAPTER 25 || CHAPTER 26 || CHAPTER 27 || CHAPTER 28 || CHAPTER 29 || CHAPTER 30 || CHAPTER 31 || CHAPTER 32 || CHAPTER 33

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -4.1k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- notes: okay sooo idk how i feel about the chapter BUT! i added a link with pictures of the characters and it took me over 2 hours to do that so if you could comment or at least look at it, it would mean a lot to me! (scroll down for the link, you cant miss it)

if you want to be on the list of blogs i notify when this is updated, just message me :)

requests! : two but its pretty much the same thing :) i mean he doesnt get ‘angry’ tho but i hope its still what you wanted :)

TAKE A LOOK AT THE CHARACTERS HERE

Chapter 34 : Her chapter

OLIVIA

March 30th, 2018

I had no idea who Niall had invited but before we walked in the bar, I moved closer to him and got up on my tiptoe to look in his eyes, both of us now hidden by his cap. His lips curled as his eyes roamed on my face and I pressed my lips together. I was a bit stressed to meet some people from school after so long but if I wanted to be honest, being away from the crowds and the paps seemed like amazing time off to me and I was pretty sure Niall felt the same.

"No kissing, no hold hands, no cuddles." I pointed out with a grimace. "It's gonna be a long evening."

"Okay, first off, you can cuddle me, they're used to it. Second of, can I remind you that it's your rule? If you want, we can definitely tell them we're together but keeping low profile." he pointed out, raising his eyebrows as he waited for my answer.

I wanted to. I really fucking wanted to, and I could feel my heartbeats accelerate the longer we looked at each other. I licked my lips and smiled before shaking my head. I couldn't make a decision and it was driving me insane.

"We'll just... see how it goes." I finally let out before sighing and getting back down on my feet.

"I'll follow your lead, petal."

His words made my lips curl and I nodded slowly before he turned around and walked in. It felt amazing to know I had my say in all of this. A lot of times, when we were dating and even before, I felt like Niall lead me the way he thought was right and I just followed without a word. Perhaps, he had matured, or maybe he was always like that but he just took the lead because I didn't. Either way, it was refreshing and it made me feel important.

I followed him inside and a familiar face seemed to illuminate in the back of the bar. The smell reminded me of my teenage years and somehow, I suddenly relaxed despite the people I had just noticed.

"Zara?" I let out with a frown before Niall bent closer to me.

"I called her, thought you may want to see her." he whispered before walking closer to the table.

"Olivia!"

Zara jumped out of her chair and ran to me, wrapping her arms around my neck so tight I could barely breathe anymore. She started jumping quickly up and down, bringing me in her wave and I laughed as I hugged her back. Despite everything that had happened to me in my childhood and teenage years,  Zara was the only one I trusted completely besides Niall. I had a few friends and we all hung out together but Zara was the one I was the closest to, the one I told almost everything to, except maybe the fact that I had always been in love with Niall. That, I hadn't told anyone and even now, I wondered how the hell I succeeded to keep that secret to myself for two decades.

"I haven't seen you in so long!" she added, hugging me even tighter before her embrace loosened and she pulled away to look in my eyes. "Still can't believe you followed that eejit to London. Why?"

She was very expressive and the facial expression she was sending me made me laugh.

"You know me, can't be away from his dumb face for too long."

Her lips curled into an amused smile and she pulled me to the bar, ordering beers before tilting her head and staring at me some more. I frowned and waited, knowing that a question was coming.

"You two dated a few years ago yea?" she raised her eyebrows as I nodded. "Okay now let's talk about the real shit. How does he fuck?"

My eyes got bigger and I chuckled, shaking my head. "Z!"

"No no, hear me out!" she continued, bending down closer to me. "Remember when Michelle, Lisa, Megan and I would get mad at you for ditching us for him?" she let out with a chin movement towards Niall.

I couldn't help but glance at him. He was sitting with a few people I recognized but I just licked my lips and turned back to my friend, shaking my head. "I didn't dit-"

"Oh you did. All the time." she cut me, making me raise my nose up in a grimace. "Well we always spent at least half an hour talking about you two and with the years, the conversations became... you know. I mean he grew up and," she paused and leaned back to take a look at him before looking back at me. "He's... he's hot."

I started laughing, shaking my head slightly at her enthusiasm.

"Niall was always hot." I pointed out, making her roll her eyes.

"You... it's different. I mean, I know you always said you didn't have feelings for him but girl, I know you better than that." she explained, making my heart literally stop beating. "Anyway, that's beside the point. So we did talk about the size of his cock and the way he fucked and we all had theories. I think it's time you reveal the truth."

"Forget it." I laughed, shaking my head.

"Why does it matter, you two broke up a million years ago!" her face suddenly changed and her lips parted as she moved closer. "You whore, you’re still dating him?"

"Zara!"

She raised both of her hands up and closed her eyes. "Alright alright, none of my business." she chuckled, opening her eyes again, her smile turning into a fond one. "I really hope for you, though. I know how much you love him. I can see it in your eyes."

I held my breath as she grabbed two beers, letting me take the two others and we walked slowly to the table.

"Don't be surprised okay? Ava is here. I know she's not your fave person but just pretend she's funny. Or interesting. Or ignore her, that's what I do."

I laughed again but my heart dropped in my chest when I noticed Ava, leaning against Niall as they were both laughing. I started thinking about that time I caught him masturbating in his room when he was 13, and how a few years later, he had admitted he was jerking off thinking about her. The whole thing made me swallow hard and I held the mugs tighter in my hands before placing them on the table. Most people looked up and when I noticed Rian, my eyes got bigger and I chuckled low.

"Wow, hey! What are you doing here?"

He got up and kissed my cheeks gently as I did the same before shaking my head. The last time I had seen Rian was when Niall and I went ice skating together when we were dating. Niall had shown a bit of jealousy back then and even if I knew I shouldn't, i really liked it. Of course, I had dated Rian for a few months and he was the first guy I ever slept with, but Niall seemed to forget that the reason I gave in to Rian after so many years was because he had lost his virginity to someone who wasn't me. It had hurt me so much that just thinking about it made it impossible not to swallow the lump in my throat.

"He's coming to visit me." Ava said, her hand on Niall's thigh to hold herself as she moved closer to me. "We have a thing going on."

Rian rolled his eyes with a smile and shook his head slightly before shrugging. "Just trying to see if it could work." he explained before talking lower. "I'm not moving back here though, there's no way."

I let out a louder laugh and nodded. "Yea, I'm not moving back here either."

The truth was, I didn't want to move back here mostly because I didn't really know anyone anymore. My parents were back in France, many of my friends had moved away and Niall... well, Niall was the person I wanted to follow. Or more, Niall was the person I wanted to be with. I didn't have to follow him, like he said. We could just take decisions together.

"Come on, petal, sit down."

Niall's voice reached my ear and I smiled, sitting next to him as he squirmed a bit on his chair to move forward, leaning his arms on the table and getting away from Ava's touch. I felt suddenly relieved and he sent me a smile. I felt his knee hit gently against mine under the table and my lips curled more.

"So what's up between you two?" Rian asked after sitting next to me. "Last time I saw you, you were together, then we all read in extremely reliable online articles that you two split and Niall was dating that actress or singer? What's her face? And Liv was getting married to an hollywood actor. This is some crazy shit, mates."

"I'm... not dating Heidi anymore." Niall pointed out, pressing his lips together in an awkward smile.

"And I called the wedding off and broke up with Dylan."

Everyone stared at us and Zara chuckled slightly after half a minute, shaking her head. "Wow. You guys need more drinks."

We started drinking and talking and after a few hours, I was starting to be tipsy. I walked to the bar to get more pints and while waiting, I leaned on the counter to stare at Niall. He was laughing with our old friends and I was suddenly thrown back to when we were younger and would hang out all together. I could pretend life was easy back then but it would be a lie. I had to admit, though, that everything changed when Niall left, and I do mean everything.

My lips curled on the left when I watched him throw his head back. I could hear his laughter even from where I was and something jumped inside me at the sight. I already knew, but once again, it hit me how much I loved him and how i'd never be over him. I didn't want to be over him anyway. I wanted to be with him.

"Having a good time?"

I raised my eyebrows in surprise before turning to the voice with a smile before looking at Niall again and finally putting my attention back on Rian.

"Mmhm, and you?"

I was getting so tipsy that I had a hard time hiding my attraction for Niall. I knew my eyes were probably betraying me but I was at that point where I didn't give a fuck anymore. A few more people we knew had joined us and we were all getting a bit drunk but when I turned around and smiled to Rian again, I noticed he was way past that stage. He sent me a small smirk and bent down closer, making me move back instinctively.

"You know you were my first fuck." he pointed out, making me chuckle low.

"Yea you were my first fuck too."

"You ever wonder what it would feel like more than a decade later?" he whispered after bending down more.

My lips parted and I glanced at him, standing up and shaking my head. "Honestly, no."

"Come on." he slurred as I pressed my lips together. "Just one time. I never really understood why you broke up with me, y'know?"

I looked up at him, feeling uneasy, and swallowed hard. I didn't want to cause a scene and I knew he was drunk but at the same time, I had no fucking idea what he was thinking at that exact moment. I knew he thought I was single, which I was... sort of, but I had the feeling he would insist even if I was officially taken.

"I just didn't have those feelings for you, that's why." I pointed out.

It was true and at the same time, it was also because I couldn't take Niall out of my mind. I felt his arm slither around my waist and pushed him away gently but firmly, raising my eyebrows at him.

"Two things. One, you're drunk and two, I'm not interested. It's been years, Rian, we both moved on." I pointed out. "Besides, aren't you with Ava now?"

"Ava and I have an agreement. Until we're official, we can fuck whoever we want. That's why she's all over your ex boyfriend."

My lips parted again and my heartbeats accelerated. I turned to look at Niall but for some reason, he had switched seat with me, leaving a free chair between him and Ava and I sighed of relief without thinking.

"That's why you said no to me for so long before agreeing to date me, right? That's also why you broke up with me isn't it?"

I turned back to him, noticing he had moved closer again. "What?"

"Him. Him and his fucking stupid angel face. You've always wanted him and he never fucking wanted you. The only time he dated you he fucking left you to be a famous little shit and now you're still looking at him like he's some sort of god."

"Shut up, you're pissed." I said low enough, getting suddenly angry.

"Still. You know i'm right." he added, sending me a small smile. "Come on, I'll make you cum so hard."

I felt Rian's hand on my breasts and this time, I pushed him harder as my heart seemed to stop.

"I said no!"

I felt my whole body on fire as I stared at him but he moved closer and grabbed the back of my head, pulling me against him to kiss me. This time, I started hitting his chest hard to push him away and I heard a chair scratch against the wood floor before falling down. It took about half a second for Niall to be between Rian and I, pushing him hard enough to make him back away a few feet.

"She said no."

"Oh yea, mister perfect is there again to save the day!" Rian let out a bit too loud in a sarcastic tone. "Same as you were back then. Always there to be the perfect 'best friend'." he laughed, doing quotation marks with his fingers on the last two words.

"Rian, don't go too far." Niall only replied, shaking his head slightly.

"She's not yours, anymore, Horan! So let it go!"

"I'm afraid I can't do that."

I took a step back, surprised by how well Niall could keep calm and glanced at our table to see all of our friends watching the show. It was not really how I imagined my night.

"You're a fuckin' asshole and I've always hated you, ya know that?"

"I'm very aware." Niall sighed. "But she said she was not interested, so keep your feckin' hands in your pockets."

"Or what?" Rian yelled, this time. "Or WHAT?"

"Rian, stop!"

We all turned to Ava who was frowning and Rian scoffed, shaking his head. "You stay out of this." he turned to Niall. "And you!" he grabbed him by his shirt and my heart sank in my chest as I moved closer, grabbing Rian's arm and trying to push him back.

"Please, stop!" I let out, suddenly panicked.

Niall didn't send me a glance and kept looking at Rian, "Liv, move back. Please Liv."

It took me a few seconds and I did as he asked just when Rian started talking again.

"She's not your girlfriend." he repeated. "So mind your own fuckin' business!"

"But I still love her." Niall admitted louder, making my lips part and my whole body throb. "I'm still in love with her. And I'm not gonna let you touch her, not without her consent."

Everything happened a bit too fast for me to react and I barely saw Rian let go of Niall to throw his fist at him. Gladly, he was totally hammered and Niall easily dodged his hit before throwing his own first on Rian's jaw. My eyes got bigger as Rian fell on the floor and I finally closed them, bringing both my hands on my face.

"MATES!"

I remained motionless, eyes closed and silent, until I felt someone pull me out and I only opened my eyes again when I felt the fresh air hit the skin of my face. It was a bit cold and I shivered, bringing my arms around myself before I felt someone wrap theirs around me from behind.

"Hey, you okay?" I didn't have to hear his voice, I immediately recognized Niall from the way he was touching me, and the way he smelled. God he smelled amazing. "I'm sorry about all this."

I shook my head and sighed. "Let's leave, okay?"

I noticed Ava and two other guys try to put Rian on the backseat of a car and Zara quickly ran to me, raising her nose up and placing her hand on my arm.

"Are you okay?" she asked softly, tilting her head, before I nodded. "I'll message you, okay? And if you invite me to Cali, I'd love to visit!"

I chuckled and nodded. "We can definitely plan that."

She glanced up at Niall and tried to stop a smirk from gracing her face without much success.

"Have fun you two." she just chuckled. "I'm rooting for you."

I laughed and closed my eyes again, a bit embarrassed but quickly, Niall moved away and reached for my fingers. I let him take my hand in his and we walked in silence. I knew where he was taking me but I didn't mention it and when we sat in the grass, I moved my legs over his thighs and felt his hand on mine, warming me. It was cold and I knew we wouldn't last too long outside but I enjoyed being close to him in silence. It took at least 20 minutes for Niall to talk again and hearing his voice made something stir in my stomach.

"I'm sorry." he said in a low tone, looking down at his hand on my thigh as he gently brushed his fingertips on my pants. "I don't know why I did that. But he had his hand on your breasts and I suddenly wanted to kill him."

I stared at him for a few seconds without talking and waiting for him to look up but he didn't. I pressed my lips together and placed my hand over his, grabbing his fingers and squeezing them.

"Thank you for defending me." I just replied, making him nod slightly. "You were so laid-back, I didn't expect you to throw your fist at him. You don't need to apologize."

He looked up at me and sent me a fond smile as I bit my bottom lip. Slowly, I moved closer and kissed him gently. I could feel my head spinning from all the alcohol in my body and when he deepened the kiss, I felt my eyes flutter behind my eyelids.

"I'm sorry." I whispered against his mouth. "I should have told our friends we were together. It would have spared a few problems."

"Not your fault. It's entirely his fault. He shouldn't have touched you after you said no, whether you were taken or not. He's an asshole and he deserved a good punch. I'm just happy I'm the one who gave him." he confessed, making me chuckle. "I can't believe he did that."

"Well he was seeing the way I was looking at you apparently. And he probably saw how Ava was all over you, too. Must have been hard for him to be rejected twice in the same night. I've rejected him a lot, too."

"Still not an excuse." Niall whispered, kissing my lips very gently.

"I know."

"Don't defend him, he's an arsehole."

"I know."

We remained silent again as we kissed some more. I felt his hand move up on me and slip between my thighs, the side of one of his fingers pressing on my pussy. I whimpered very low and chuckled.

"It's way too cold to fuck here."

"I know." he groaned. "I just can't believe we have to sleep at my mom's. Every single time we come visit you don't want to let me fuck you."

The way he pouted and his childish tone made a laugh boom out of me and I finally leaned my forehead against his and brought my hand to his cheek.

"I'll let you tomorrow morning, but only if you agree to do something tonight that I've always wanted to do."

He frowned and pulled away to stare at me suspiciously. "I want to ask if I'll regret it but if you let me cum inside you tomorrow then I'm ready for anything."

I laughed again and kissed him with a smile. It felt so great to be wanted even if most of the time, It also felt surreal. We walked back to his mom's and it was extremely late when he tried to find the right keys to walk inside before realizing the door was not locked. We both laughed as we walked inside, and it made me realize we were both still quite tipsy. We walked slowly, trying to remain silent without much success and when he bumped into the table, we both laughed. He pulled me closer and started kissing me hard, sticking his tongue on my mouth only to turn me on, I suspected. His normal taste was altered with the taste of beer but I loved it and I moaned low in his mouth. I couldn't remember how we ended up on the roof but I stared up at the sky, tilting my head with a smile.

"That's really all you wanted?" he asked after a while. "Watch the stars like we used to do on the roof of your house?"

I kept looking up at the indigo sky and pressed my lips together before licking them.

"We used to do that all the time, just you and I, and I remember wishing you would kiss me every single time. That's why we're here. I want to kiss you while we watch the stars together."

Niall chuckled low. "You're so cheesy. I blame you for my romantic side."

I turned to send him a big smile. "You're welcome."

His lips curled into a fond and loving grin and I bit my bottom lip.

"I will kiss you anywhere you want. Any time you want. For any reason you can think of, or for no reason at all except that I love you."

I felt my heart melt in my chest and breathed in, trying to keep my tears in. He was leaning on his side to look at me, holding himself with one of his elbows and arms, and suddenly, I could see the adorable 14 year old he used to be, with his blonde hair and his crooked teeth. I felt my heart swell and my eyes watered, letting a tear fall on one of my cheeks as I sniffed. Was I really going to push away this man out of fear? Was that a good way to live life anyway? To stop myself from being happy in fear of being hurt again? It was ridiculous.

"We will be together, Niall."

He frowned slightly and moved his upper body closer. "What?"

"If you still want of me..." I repeated before breathing in deeply. "if you still want to be with me.. really be with me. Officially. It will happen."

"I'll always want that Olivia." he simply replied but I could hear surprise and happiness in his voice and when I looked up at him, his eyes seemed to sparkle. They shined even more than they did at the bar when he was drunk and it made my heart jump in my chest. Perhaps, it was only the reflection of the lights of the streets, or maybe I was hallucinating it... but I didn't think so. He seemed genuinely excited by my words.

"I just need more time. But it will happen." I explained more. "I'll never be able to live without you anyway. And I don't want to. I don't want to live without you, Niall."

His lips curled into the biggest smile and he chuckled, moving closer and sliding his hand behind my head. I could feel his fingers sink in my hair as he pulled me closer.

"Best news of the day. It beats everything else." he let out low. "Now, I'm going to kiss you beneath the stars until you're too tired to keep your eyes open."

[mageofcolors]

reasons i hate my job:

1. a job in sales is super manipulative of the customers just so you can get some money. ive seen people straight up encourage abusive behavior in order to make a sale

2. typical shift is 11 hours long

3. we have 4 people working in our store but only two tablets. so even if we have 3 people working at a time, not all 3 of us can hepp customers at once

4. schedules are made super last minute, and sometimes i have tp remind the manager to give us the schedule

5. at least one of my 2 days off in a week my manager will ask me to come in anyway

6. manager is irresponsible tbh. i asked her one favor once and she didnt do it and bc of that im not getting the money for my sale

7. manager once went to wisconsin dells and swam in a pool DURING THE PANDEMIC and then didnt take the time to quarantine after. the district manager knew this and didnt do anything to stop it. when i encouraged all my coworkers to get tested after she came back and the store ended up getting closed for 2 weeks, the district manager called it us "wanting to take a 2 week vacation" instead of a safety precaution we had to take because HE AND THE MANAGER didnt take the proper precautions first.

8. our company is two companies that just merged and there are so many errors in the systems ALL THE TIME

9. i just got a 3/10 review from a customer bc i was coughing the whole time, even though i explained to the customer that it's not covid and it's not contageous. this was also my very first review so that's great /s

10. half of the customer service and sales support people we need to call practically every day dont know what theyre doing

11. since the merger they took away our stools and now we have to stand for 10 hours in a day

12. our air conditioning is broken right now and i am overheating

13. they sometimes supply us with water, but usually not. so i have to bring enough water from home to last me 11 hours

14. none of my coworkers voted and im pretty sure theyd vote for trump anyway

15. one coworker is just. super annoying in everything he does. i cannot stand close to him without being uncomfortable

16. oh yeah we cant even stand 6 feet apart when we do our jobs

17. i got written up once because i was in charge during a couple days but the mistakes weren't even made by me

18. my first manager literally believed in stupid questions and it got to the point that i was scared to ask him anything

19. it took 4 months for me to become commissionable for some reason (that being them refusing to teach me), while everyone else becomes commissionable after a week

20. when stores in this company were closed bc someone was tested positive for covid (which happened multiple times), then closed it for one day and had it deep cleaned, then the next day they forced people from other stores to work overtime at that store, instead of just letting the store be closed temporarily

21. when the stores were closed during the quarantine at first, people had to use their paid time off in order to get paid at all

22. my coworkers would put insurance on people's devices without even asking them, which charges them an extra $15 a month

23. everyone here is cishet and i'm just. really uncomfortable talking about anything i like or do bc cant relate

24. one of my coworker doesnt do shit outside of selling. he literally tells me im better at it and leaves it at that. he doesnt even TRY

25. almost every single customer asks me about my cough and i am EXHAUSTED

26. my manager dumps a lot of her work on me and instead of taking the time to work on it herself, half the time she's just talking to people on the phone and getting distracted

27. one time my manager went on her lunch break (we get one hour) and then came back to the store 1 1/2 hours later, and then went to the back room to eat. i'm like??? did you not have time to eat in that 1 1/2 hours???? you know what she said? "oh i was shopping"

28. ive told every one of my coworkers my pronouns. none of them use them. they dont even notice when i try to correct them

29. my manager also randomly deadnames me. like you didnt call the other guy his legal name??? you called him by his preferred name completely fine when he's not even trans??? but this enby you gotta "forget" to call by their chosen name, even though that's all anybody else calls me??? actually, my district manager calls me by my legal name sometimes too thats probs where she got it, but he knows my preferred name too so fuck them

30. when i finally got my log in information to sell things, they misspelled my last name. i had to get it corrected. this prevented me from being able to sell things for a longer time. when the companies officially merged and i got new logins??? they fucking did it again

31. when they gave me my name tag it had my deadname on it so i asked them if i could get one with my preferred name on it. district manager said he'll order one. it's been over a month.

32. two of my coworkers smoke and then i have to stand next to them when they come back in and smell the fucking smoke. im sorry im trying to breatheover here

33. we have to say this long-ass intro when answering the phone and it's so awkward and annoying

thats all i got for now

[alltheangstmygifttoyou]

I just spent like the last hour writing a very long post explaining my personal issues with my religion and how it affects learn to be and tumblr deleted all of it! But since I actually want to talk about this in an online space where there are people with many experiences and haven't heard me talk about it before ill try and give a short version.

Tw: religion talk, suicide mentions, homophobia, transphobia, just anything queerphobic, pet death mention, self harm mention

I grew up catholic with two not catholic parents and one catholic grandma. My mom went to church with me and my grandma and my family is very open and accepting of me and my identity. I was sent to Sunday school cause you have to if you want to get confirmed and being confirmed is a big thing for catholics. And at Sunday school they shoved a lot of bullshit down my throat about how it was wrong to be gay. How I either had to have sex or become a nun (im ace and do not want to be a nun thank you). Transphobic shit (I feared for my safety if I came out). Bullshit like that but there was more. They told me how to vote and if I didn't vote that way I wouldn't be considered catholic. They told me to tell my gay friends they were going to hell in order to "help" them. They told me when I was depressed and suicidal that one, it was a sin to have those thoughts and that I needed to repent and do penance for it. They also told me that unless I became a Saint I would be physically tortured in purgatory for years until I properly repented all my sins. And then once I was in heaven the only thing in heaven was to bask in the glory of God. That's it. No talking to friends and family, no petting your dog (they litteraly told one girl the day after her dog died that her dog wasn't going to heaven), no talking to saints! Just basking in god for eternity. The end. Or you go to hell where you'll be horribly tortured forever. They also kept doing this thing where you were supposed to offer your pain up to God, so any time you were in physical pain you would give it to God? They'd also tell us stories where Jesus would tell people to remove parts of their limbs if it caused them to sin. I'm not actually sure what thats supposed to mean and the Jesus part was probably supposed to be metaphorical but my depressed brain took it as the go ahead to start self harming. Which isn't the churchs complete fault but its another bad association I have with the church, which is what this post is about.

So basically I have all this bad gunk in my head associated with catholicism. But I've also spent the last 19 years identifying with and participating with only catholicism. So my mental and spiritual health are all twisted up and confused with religion. So I've taken the different parts of my feelings about religion and put them in Heather, jesse, and Jester.

Heather is the bad shit church did to me and put in my head. She believes all the garbage.

Jester rejects the church, all of it and believes that when you die you just die. There's nothing left. Just a body to decompose.

Jesse starts off a strong believer but then figures out in the eyes of his religion hes considered wrong, has a crisis that continues to the end of the story.

Now that's the only religious stuff I have planned so far because (i really don't want to type out the long explanation again but long story short catholicism highly discouraged me from learning about other religions and im not ready to completely let go of it yet or maybe ever I dont know) of spiritual reasons and just the way I write. I can look at other religions academically but if I try to write a charecter believing in a religion in the way I view in academically it feels stiff and wrong and not how I want to represent something. And im not sure how to write someone really believing in something I dont believe in for reasons that aren't artifical, like, I grew up this way so I am this way. Because if I write it that way then the charecter will probably end up in the same position I am and I dont want every charecter feeling that way just because I am. I hope that makes sense. I plan on all five of the main charecters having some sort of belief system and I plan on having noah and malcolms beliefs based on real world religions (not elena because her parents beliefs are a tangled messed up knot and no real religion should be associated with that). But I cant write it into the story now. And I hope that by the end of the story jesse will not be in crisis but since I still am and have found no resolution I dont know how to give him peace. I would be thankful for any advice anyone has or any questions about how the one religion I have planned will work in learn to be :3

[hardyshoe]

benefits- a roger taylor series

part six

warnings- language

taglist: @i-cant-hangout-im-drumming​

a/n: I was really excited about writing this chapter so I hope y'all like it x

it was Tuesday morning, the sun beat down through the blinds while a movie you weren't paying attention to played. the weather had changed dramatically since last week and you found yourself curled up under your duvet on the sofa most days for lack of a better past time.

 he still hadn't called, they got back three days ago and he was yet to make an appearance. Mary and Freddie had come round on Sunday evening for dinner which after they left reminded you all the more that he didn't care. it hurt more than you could say but at the same time you knew if you saw or even spoke on the phone with him you'd have to tell him, it was just cruel not to at this point. but with every minute that passed while you thought about him you found the resentment for him breaking down a little bit and you couldn't stop it from happening. he'd been out of your life for half a year by his own fault and you were on the verge of forgiving him despite all the pain he caused.

 when the movie ended you flicked off the tv and got out your copy of ‘on the road’ that roger gave you back when you first met him, it still had his name in his messy handwriting inside the cover. if you closed your eyes you could still see the same roger you'd once known in the college library wearing those glasses he hated so much (you loved them) and a pair of jeans with a rip right under the arse. you knew you liked him when he first looked up at you with those perfect blue eyes and pushed the black frames to the top of his messy hair. you'd blushed at the way he looked at you but quickly looked away realising how dumb you looked. when you sat down and opened your book he'd commented on it and thats where it all began, like an unrequited love at first sight. of course you didn't realise you felt quite that strongly for him until he decided to sit next to you one lecture and every lecture from then on. lets just say you looked forward to class much more. over the years he'd met Brian and formed smile and through that you'd met Fred and eventually John when smile changed to queen and Tim went his own way. you also remembered his first gig, he'd been practicing all week and was running on very little sleep but he was still amazing, they blew you away. the last thing that came back to you was that night over a year ago now when you'd gone out to the bar with the boys and had far too much to drink, in your inebriated state you hadn't realised it was roger you were dancing with until it was too late to care. that was where it all began and for some reason it didn't stop like you'd expected it to. through him you had a whole life, a best friend (even though he was a dick), a group of wonderful friends who loved you and in just under three months you'd have two babies that would be half him. 

 you didn't cry this time, instead you smiled down at the book in you hands and ran you thumb over the ink. for the first time since he left you felt genuinely happy, without the over shadow of sadness or doubt.

 your nostalgic daydream ended when you heard loud footsteps running up the stairs in your apartment complex, you cursed yourself for having an apartment with such thin walls. you were curious about who was running up your building but didn't go and investigate because getting up just sounded like a bad idea. however when the steps started to make their way down your corridor you did perk up a bit. then the door opened.

 he stood there in all his blonde glory and you could have sworn he was more beautiful than the last time you'd seen him. his breathing was laboured and he looked like he'd run a marathon. everything about him looked stunning from the way his cloths hung to his body to the sparkle of those god awful shoes. your hands tightened around the book before quickly realising and looking down only to see your belly hidden by the blankets. he didn't know.

 he was the first to speak “please don't throw me out, I needed to see you” he paused again for breath.

“only took you six moths rog” it wasn't a sour comment though, just a statement.

 then it all came pouring out of him “ y/n I'm so sorry, you wouldn't believe how sorry. I've spent the last six months on the verge of a complete breakdown because I thought id lost you forever. I couldn't live with myself if you hated me, id go mad.”

by this point he was crying, and so were you. “fuck it, y/n I love you. I've loved you since I first lay my eyes on you six years ago and ill never stop loving you if you'll have me” he kept going, spouting seemingly endless ways to tell you he loved you, but you couldn't sit there and let it all play out liked you'd dreamed it would so many times, it was time he knew.

 so you stood up feeling the blanket puddle around your toes on the floor, exposing your belly that was clad in a tie die top he'd lent you once. but he didn't notice right away, he just kept talking.

“ you deserve to know and...” his eyes dropped to your stomach and finally he stopped talking. wordlessly you placed a hand on top of the stretched shirt and looked at him through teary eyes. he didn't start shouting, in fact his voice hardly exceeded a whisper when he finally spoke.

“is- is it mine” and finally you were willing to answer the question.

“they are roger” your tone was like his, hushed like you didn't want anyone but the other to hear.

“they?” you nodded

“a boy and a girl”

“im gonna be a dad?” you smiled though the tears, he was.

he hovered a hand near the swell of your belly and you took it placing it on the kicks and covered it with your own hands. he sobbed with you and for ages the two of you stood together in your dusty living room, like a family.

“just so you know this doesn't change anything, I still love you” he looked at you with the gentlest smile you'd ever seen and all your dreams were suddenly not so far fetched.

“I love you too Rog, so much it scares me”

with both his hands he took the sides of your face and softly kissed you. it wasn't rushed or careless, it was kind. it was also everything you wanted since you were 19, everything you'd longed for on the nights too lonely to close your eyes, the only thing that kept you going when everything abandoned you. somebody to love, who loved you back.

 he made tea and came to join you on the sofa and you filled him in on everything he could possibly want to know.

“when are you due?”

“december 17th”

“so your how far along?”

“7 months last Friday”

he hurled questions at you that you were more than happy to answer. it was so liberating to tell him, tell him everything. you had an answer to every question of his no matter how daft except...

“have you thought of any names?” truth was you hadn't. you wanted to know if roger wanted anything to do with you before you came up with anything, it hadn't felt fair to plan something so big when he didn't even know.

 “no I haven't, I didn't want to without you”

“thank you, that means so much. can we think of some?”

you hummed a quick yes and he fell into a deep thought. you'd always liked French names, probably stemming from living in France for a few years as a teen. you spoke a bit of French and it was such a poetic language that a name coming from there just made sense. roger on the other hand liked names with meanings, he really cared for something that would set them up for success.

“okay suzette?” you'd pose the names you like in a slight French accent that roger couldn't get enough of.

“nope she’ll get nicknamed sue.” you agreed and kept looking.

“james?”

“no too common I know like five people called James.”

“Oliver” when roger said it, it sounded right. that was it. little ollie.

“I love it roger, its perfect,” you felt a kick from one of the babies and laughed, “I think he likes it too”

“your right, it is perfect. but what about baby girl?”

“Juliette” he just nodded with conviction.

“so we did it? wasn't too hard.”

“roger that took us over an hour, we went through hundreds of names” you chuckled at him as he stared up at the clock.

“it takes some people months to get a good name, let alone two, we did good”

“we did, just need middle names now.” he groaned at the thought.

“mmm too tired we can do that some other time” he puller you over to him and wrapped those big arms of his around you. it was so blissfully wonderful to sit in his company again, without the fear of him leaving and never coming back. just as your eyes started to shut you heard him whisper to himself under his breath,

“I can't believe I've got you. can't believe I'm gonna have a family. can't believe how much I love you.”

[brideylee]

Anti- Fan Fiction: James Woods and Robert Blake at Dan Tana’s

           The air inside is hot, full of dust, and too many rotting mouths had ordered the lasagna. James Woods sits in his corner booth at Dan Tana’s in the main room with his eyes on the bar full of shouting men in suits. Some are West Hollywood slick fratties  and others more smelly and introspective in itchy tweed from the land of 70s character actor city. Squeezed in between these men taking up more space than needed with either their narcissistic sadness or their loud, cologned  bravado are some young women desperately trying to enjoy a martini at the historic restaurant, but instead are resigned to hear a bald someones life story and feeling many passing hands needlessly touch their bare backs as men hover and spill around them.

          Woods watches disgustedly, he watches everything disgustedly: babies being born, the sunrise, an elderly woman saying “Hello, Deary”. It all makes him sick. His belly protrudes forward as he holds back a sudden burp and he releases some air through his famously skeezy lips as though exhaling cigarette smoke. He is repulsively sexy in his stony confidence. He checks his watch and decides to complain about something. Dead eyed with his arm stretched out, he points at a maitre de who is pushing 90 and is only meant to be looked at by tourists as a part of the ambiance. The command of Woods pointing hypnotizes the ancient man and he walks over in submission thinking this could hopefully be death itself beckoning him home. 

            Woods gives him his iconic half smile, where one side of his mouth stays in place while the other curls up his cheek as though being lifted by a fish hook, his head tips forward and his round dark eyes look up at him like an alcoholic father who “doesn’t want to have to discipline.” “Hey sarge, the bread is a little chewy, mind popping it in the microwave or something. I could break my teeth on it. And heat the butter up. It’s fresh, its just not soft.” Woods gets bored with himself half way through his criticism and winks at a woman at the bar whose glance regrettably fell on him. The maitre de with no capacity left to hear, nods and takes the bread away, disappointed to still be breathing. 

Woods spots Tim Allen alone in a four person booth holding up a plate to his face, licking it feverishly. They lock eyes and give each other big, knowing smirks, like two people who both know where the body is.  Allen gleefully goes back to lapping up the rest of the marinara, grease all over his chin, his napkin bib coming into good use. “Funniest man in America” Woods thinks to himself before being distracted by some plastic cleavage walking by.

           Suddenly, the air in the restaurant cools as the door wafts open and a small shadowy figure enters with the silhouette of a miniature cowboy.  “Finally.” James Woods says as Robert Blake plops down across from him “Are we angry?” Blake says defiantly with his headed tilted back, his lids hanging low and heavy across his beetle eyes. “There is this thing called time, Robert. I’ve been waiting here an hour.” Blake laughs with a childish grin crossing his face, and somehow in the smooth red lighting of Tana's, he looks twenty years younger, though still disturbingly gaunt, and getting more pale by the minute like a man whose only sustenance is the unease he inspires. He’s wearing a black velvet cowboy hat that looks too big for him, making him along with his small stature appear like an elderly child. “Time!” Blake regales with impish laughter as though hearing an old joke he hasn’t heard out loud in years. Woods stews, his eye twitches and he chews on the inside of his mouth.  Blake’s laugher continues, even Tim Allen interrupts his slurping to peak at where this sinister chortling is coming from. 

              After a few minutes, Blake calms down and stares at Woods lovingly. “You were always funnier than me, Woods. Never give that up, you can fall back on it.” Blake was full of these little jabs, always insinuating that Woods acting career never amounted to anything. Rehearsing a hurtful father son dynamic was one of the only ways these men could show their love. “How’s the old lady?” Blake is referring to Woods’ twenty-two year old girlfriend. “Driving me nuts,” says Woods gazing off, then he leans in towards Robert. “In all the right ways.” He winks at Robert. “Pet a pussy cat on the head too much, and they go bald.” Blake warns. Woods blinks, confused. He had a love-hate relationship with Blakes morsels of wisdom. On one hand it’s why he enjoyed his company so much, on the other hand, Blake had a way of making him question everything, particularly Blake’s sanity.  Woods decides to change the subject. 

“Some shrimp cocktail I ordered us an hour ago. They might be too dead to eat.” He slides an ornate glass rimmed with withered shrimp in front of Blake. All the ice inside the glass is melted and the shrimp look like they know how pathetic their fate is. Blake knocks all the shrimp off the edge of the glass towards the center and gulps them down like he’s taking a shot of vodka before going bear hunting. 

“So, what do you make of this 'Covid 19'” Woods puts Covid 19 in air quotes and his head bobbles with cocky indifference. “It’ll go away.” Blake states between sips of the shrimp water. “Everything goes away, James.” Blake studies the menu. “Not quite Vitello's…” James didn’t want to get into a Dan Tana's versus Vitellos fight tonight. For one, Blake hadn’t been there in decades since he took his wife there before having her killed and more than that Blake was just biased because Dan Tana's never named a pasta after him. Woods lets it slide, he understands the irrelevancy Blake feels to the modern world and the pain of being pushed farther and father back inside Hollywoods skeleton closet. 

         Yet, although Woods sees Blake as an oracle, his secret virus fears remain. There is a social distancing trend hyped in the media and a possible impending lock down for Los Angeles; a city full of the most insecure egos on the planet. A city that needed to love, use, and discard people so regularly that the notion of a lockdown seemed to go against its code of conduct. Furthermore,  Woods cant stand being in his house with his girlfriend for more than three hours, two if there was no oral sex involved, but even worse is the idea of being alone.

His anxiety is spiking as Blake with half glasses on seemed completely engrossed in the menu, ignoring him just like his old man. Woods dips into the pocket of his blazer and dabs his pinkie into a tiny bag of coke, neatly putting it away and rubbing the gums of his front teeth expertly discreet. Blake raises his eye brows. “They’ve got a chicken named after Sidney Beckerman. Did you know him?” Woods shakes his head, and gestures to a waiter to bring more water with an agro snottiness only he could pull off. “He produced Kelly’s Heroes. Good guy, but I never liked him.” Blake starts singing “Que Sera Sera” by Doris Day under his breath, while perusing the menu like it’s a gun catalogue.

Woods patience runs out, he blows a  long grey hair out of his eyes and grabs the menu from Blake. He smacks a passing waiter on the back with the menu. “We’re  gonna split a plain cheese pizza with a side of spaghetti, and two Roy Rogers. And lots of grenadine for this one right here.” Blake smiles like a school boy brat, pleased.

            “So listen, have you been following it at all?” “Following what?” Blake says with a gentle, Warhol deadpan. “The virus horse shit… Robert, they’re saying that we all need to go into isolation. That it’s airborne.” Blake whips the red napkin into his lap. “Get a hold of yourself. Will you? Fear is airborne. Do you know how many motherfuckers, here, still believe in Lincoln?” Blakes shifts were dramatic. Sometimes, he felt like you were talking to a screwy relative of Yoda and other times he had the grit of a  dried up cowboy that had made love with Joe Pesci. 

“FUCK YOU! NO!” The volume of Tim Allen shouting into his Motorolla razor silenced the place for a good twenty-seconds.  “500 million dollars in CASH or you can take your Santa Clause 6 and…make Santa Clause piss!!” The manager started a clap to diffuse any tension. After a smattering of applause, the place went back to normal. “Can I get a big brownie?” Tim Allen screams towards the kitchen like a kid at his grandparents house.

         Their Roy Rogers are placed on the table. Woods is sweating as the coke is hitting, and he can feel his phone vibrate with texts from his often pilled out girlfriend. Texts like “Can you remind me where the refrigerator is?”

  Blake raises his glass, admiring the red flesh of the maraschino cherry and the slow dance of the grenadine syrup descending towards the bottom, surrendering to him like a wounded lover. “Cheers! May we remember to lock the doors and make the baby swallow the key.” They clink glasses. Blake does a long exaggerated gasp of refreshment, his tongue  wagging out of his mouth for a long time. 

            “Woods, what do you think it was that got in the way of your success?” Triggered and high, Woods replies, coke speed with spit collecting at the corners of his mouth.  “Well, I think it was a lot of things. Particularly, that I am a man who values his freedom of speech and I don’t like my rights trampled on by so called “progressives” and  you know I thought I was pretty good in Ray Donovan, but I really wasn’t given much of a script, but, ah, fuck.” He wipes his forehead and collects himself. “Blake. I have a serious question.” They stare at each other. Blake has a gravelly distance between his soul and his eyes, but something in Woods reaches him. Their cheese pizza and spaghetti ruptures the eye contact, but Woods can’t give up.

“Say there is a lock down, and this virus is serious. I can’t be alone with the kiddo for that long, you know what I mean? I need a friend. Someone I can pal around with. Someone that gets it. Man to man. Blake, do you think we can live together? Either at the Ranch in Burbank or my place, wherever you feel the most like you can be you.” Woods heart is racing, this is the most vulnerable he’s felt since since the scene in The Virgin Suicides after his daughters die. 

         Blake stares at him coldly and takes a bite of pizza. “This virus frightens you.” Woods frustratedly digs into the pizza, his heart; a little more vacant, and confused. “Don’t worry.” Blake reaches into his pocket and takes out a vile of clear liquid and places it next to the spaghetti. “I got a cure for that.” Woods examines it. “Is this-“ “A vaccine” Blake says satisfied. “One sip and everything goes away.” 

       “CHANGE OF PANTS? PLEASE, CAN I GET A CHANGE OF PANTS” Tim Allen roars with a lap full of chocolate brownie. His face and khaki pants are covered in chocolate.  But Woods stays transfixed on the vile. “Where the hell did you?…” “We had to make vaccines during breaks on Little Rascals. Bastards always put us to work any way they could. Learned a thing or two though and this one is special… everything goes away. “Have you used it?” Woods asks, his head cocked to the side, watching the liquid float like the clear lip gloss his girlfriend….Kelly? Katy? wears.  “Used it plenty of times. Plenty of times.” Says Blake with the resigned faith of a Southern preacher.

          “Well, even so, if there’s a lock down, can I bunk with you? Forgive me, you’re single now, right?” “I’m dating,  but nothing to write home about," the eighty-six year old answers. Woods looks up from the vile, expectantly. “Listen, kid. My space is sacred. It’s between me and God. I don’t know if you think I can get you a bit part in something or…” “No, I just would like your company that’s all.” Woods assures him. “A man who can’t sleep alone, sleeps while awake. Take the vaccine. You’ll be free.” Woods leans back. Blake  always cuts him open and leaves him smelling like the chicken broth that seemed to emanate from Blakes pores. But that’s often the medicine Woods needs. He uncorks the vile, holds it up dramatically,“Salud!”

            Allen is standing in his boxers by his booth with his arms crossed waiting for the waiters to bring him pants while Woods finishes the last drop. The blood red walls moist from poor insulation seem to pulse around Woods as Blake stares at him. “Hows it feel?” “Like…uh..like nothing. I mean… like it was water, a placebo?” Blake giggles shaking his head. 

           Pants-less Tim Allen walks over to their table. “Hey Robert! I haven’t seen you in ages!” They high five. “You know me, keepin’ busy back at home.” Allen turns to Woods, “How ya doing, bud?” and then turn backs to Blake. “You know you’d be perfect for the next Santa Clause movie. You haven’t been in any of them yet, right? “Not yet!” “Well, right on,Cowboy!” Allen and Blake high five again. Woods gets dizzy and starts blinking slowly trying to steady himself. Perhaps taking a vaccine manufactured by Robert Blake was not smart, he didn’t know for sure. He barely knew anything. “Woods, isn’t it time we scroll through our imdb pages?” Blake baits him with their tradition. Woods nods and types his name into his phone. “I love this game! Can I play?” Tim sits down. 

           Woods can’t focus his eyes very well, but he has typed his name into imdb four times and nothing is coming up. Tim Allen can’t help  himself “Ok, so this is a show I was on where I played like a handy man…” His mouth hangs open as he excitedly awaits  the men to guess what show. “Garfield.” answers Blake without sarcasm. “It’s not working….” Woods interrupts. “Whats with your friend?” Tim Allen asks annoyed. Blakes eyes don’t leave Woods who is squinting at his phone. “Ok, I’m a dad and a handyman…” “My credits are all gone.” James’s voice seems to morph an octave lower the walls seem to run into the leather booths and booths seem to melt  into the floors and drip into the basement where a drunk couple are fucking among cans of tomato sauce.

Woods psyche seeps further into the earths crust, mantle and then core where he watches his entire identity burned in the furnace of mother earths blazing kiln. Alone with himself. To Allen and Blake, his body sitting at the booth looks like a prosthetic suite empty of an actor inside. “The vaccine works.” Blake thinks to himself sipping his pink drink through a straw. Allen whips his head from Woods to Blake and in his classic broad Tim Allen way says “Uhh, am I missing something???”

[shytiff]

Small Dec Wins

i cant believe its December already tf?!?!?!

1 - poli KIA today. saw a mother who cant feel the movement of their baby. the senior midwife tried to find the baby’s heart beat but not finding it. she said she hopes she were wrong. fell asleep at 3pm-ish, woke up super hungry. ate. i swear i feel like my weight when i measured it this morning was ~52, but after eating its close to 54 lol. eating banana and chocolate nextar is yummm. dalbang today is hella funny as always and suuper endearing. fell asleep after dalbang, didnt study hufttt

2 - today im at igd but joined azkia at vk for a bit to see partus. its not that im scared (maybe not consciously) but when the mom was being stitched i felt lightheaded, nausea, cold extremities, and i even had to squat multiple times because i couldnt stand. But i felt better after the partus so maybe seeing it was the cause. I did not feel scared at all honestly ._. and i’ve seen multiple partus before. i dont know why. i can literally feel my symphatetic tone giving out lmaoo. tried matcha latte with Cy matcha powder. it tasted more milky and grassy. mom thought it tasted like nori. i prever cocodeli alll the way (although Cy is cheaper). i think it also has a bit of caffeine that made me feel awake like a normal person should be. 

3 - today is vk but there’s no patient so thank god i saw sumn yesterday. did some cicil ukmppd in the morning accompanied by matcha latte. tried to order dufan tickets and i couldnt find my damn ktp...... fell asleep after worrying about said ktp

4 - matcha latte in the car, swab at lmk, went to dufan by tj with willy, had quite some funn with atikah nila willy amel pupuy. first time trying kereta misteri, quite fun. it rained after ashar so we didnt ride anything after that. turns out my ktp was at barel’s fotocopy lmaoo thankyou ara for picking it. went to solaria ancol afterwards, picked up by mom. i didnt tell her in the morning that i was going to dufan lmao. plenary @ zoom 19 pm. rapat nemo. fell asleep.

5 - went to lmk by tj to surprise clara. went back home and fell asleep. didnt rly do anything afterwards because this ragged body gets tired easily and i dont eat much recently. i can feel the difference before and after eating and there’s actual energy after eating. its not that im hungry though, but i feel less energized. felt annoyed terrible and just wanna lay in bed (this is unrelated with the less food in my system). even though i met up with friends

6 - after LOTS of sleeping i feel somehow better but not to a ‘normal’ amount. watched kimbab family videos. did power vinyasa by doogether with fianti. took a shower and ate indomie and i felt quite normal, except i slept again wtf. i thought i would have the second half of the day but nah. did self tryouts with fianti, 150 FDI questions. I got 96/150 right. huft. such a great reality check

7 - poli lansia with dokter isip, matcha latte in the afternoon rly helps me not sleeping the day away, packed up for depok

8 - poli umum with dr gita (helped doing phys exam), packed the rest of my stuff, ate some risol and matcha lattteee in the car, took swab results, picked up hazmats etc, zoom discussion with FT PKM Kalideres (dr gita) on the way, and i finally arrived at tamel. dinner is granola with vsoy. Taste like a slightly wet granola bar, nutty fiber-y vibe

9 - walked in ui with ara, managed to jog from the trees near st ui until kuburan bikun wow. i reached that point where my leg and heart were going in a steady unburdened pace and my willpower to keep going on was tested. tried the signature steak in Double U Steak by Chef Widi, while ara tried ribeye. the ribeye was more tender than the signature. but the seasoning in the signature is quite delish, salty and oily without being too much (like futago ya). read poppyland fast pass from ara’s phone omg season 1 is finally complete! went to coftof (omgggg i miss this place), it looks different now. ordered matcha latte and it tasted weirdly like a soy milk although ara doesnt feel that way. the matcha tasted weird. wont repurchase. read chainsaw man, its so entertaining, funny and deep at the same time. denji mess around and be too naive sometimes but hes lowkey hot lmaooo. aki is lovvvvve.

10 - first day at rsud budhi asih. had moesli combined with granola + vsoy for brekkie. went back to tamel at 3 pm. it rained when i got back. bought warteg lugina worth 32k. walked to sbux for tumbler day its been a while since i had their matcha latte. it tasted quite good, but not as good as i remembered (?) maybe bcs i asked for non fat milk. sbux closes at 8 pm for now hikss

11 - left tamel at about 7:10 and arrived on budhi asih at 08:54 yalll the traffic. Icu. Bought eatlah double and ate the salted egg part. Nap. ICU discussion with dr Dedi @8pm. I presented from my phone to save data hehe,,

12 - woke up at 8, eatlah brown butter for brekkie, symcard, saladstop's caesar salad for lunch (quite 'eneg' because i didnt eat the cheese evenly so the chicken and cheese were eaten last after the vegs are out. The vegetable's not that variative, and the non vegs make the salad taste delicious (albeit maybe not THAT healthy). Evening jog @UI and i realized i can get wifi sitting near the lake n library. Stared at the night sky from my room, i swear the sky seems super clear. Saw tiny fireworks in the distance

13 - ate muesli and saladstop’s banana walnut cake, symcard, bought moon chicken and saladpoint. lunch was egg salad and the wings. the original tasted so good like??? maybe i havent had msg for a while. also tried big bang, not too spicy which is nice. cicil ukmppd. put my laundry at buih barel lmaoo. try out with fianti. got 70/100

14 - breakfast was salad and leftover chicken. today was bangsal with angga armand. the geriatric patient has a loud murmur yall (and scoliosis, so much that the heart looks distorted). went to margo city to see sales, but when i think about it id rather just thrift stuff lmao. bought lugina. slept through kuliah guru besar. writing this in yellow truck coffee, that had 2 customers on the 1st floor including me. tried banana milk. yall after trying to drink less sugar the beverage tasted super sweet. my headache just goes away. sugar is magic but unhealthy whyyyyy.

15 - igd siang with indah. This body sure is frail. Did cbd with dr afifah AND rescheduled pleno. Rip mobile data i have to use for hotspot.

16 - ok today. Inserted goedel and did bagging. I bagged the patient the wrong way at first (too much). Thankfully the nurses were kind and taught us a lot :) watched some bts content. I feel like after reading househusband my tiktok page is now immensely funnier. Dalbang is also hilarious as always. Put on ginseng sheet mask (smells quite strong)

17 - bangsal. snacked on fried chicken. matcha latte starbucks (turns out its quite full here) and liqo about keeping our tongues in check

18 - arrived at icu. And then opened line. Turns out hadin's swab is positive, so agung kak iman and me have to isolate and swab. So i went back. Ordered kanayam chicken and fish and tempe. Nasi liwet tasted goood damn. Sleptt in the afternoon. Pleno at 4 pm (entered the room 4:30). Had no motivation to do anything. Azkia is getting married! Spent 20 mins formulating words to congratulate her lmaoo

19 - osce simulation, kak nanu was so kind and encouraging. Did try out solid. Lunch is fish bite pasta with melted cheese (cause i had to reach the minimum amount for promo). It got cold so its not that good (pairing it with self made mentai sauce, mixing the mayo and chili, is way much better). Jogged in ui (and searched for wifi). Approached by someone selling haraus coffee (25k), saying that some earnings will be for charity. Its basically sweet. Can barely taste the coffee.

20 - had kanayam for lunch (brekkie is almost always muesli lately). The nasi liwet tasted much better the first time. Walked to yellow truck coffee in the pouring rain. Got banana milk. Saw webinar ksk (electrolyte correction and dr nadhira talkshow). What i got from it is that, dr nadhira is a different person from the first place. Shes visionary, knows what she want and not afraid to reach it. The mindset is different. Even if i try as hard as her, her propensity to growth is different. Cicil ukmppd. Try out with fianti (got 72/100). Talked for an hour about love and marriage and engagements (there are so much of it lately)

21 - leftover kanayam for brekkie, also ate roti salman in cikini st. swab today (met kris, nessa and others). muesli for lunch. i thought my body felt a bit warm, so i decided to find sumn to eat. tried kedai abu bakar’s spaghetti brulee. its okay. maybe because its not too cheesy or meaty, mainly bechamel sauce. the one pupuy made is much tastier. finished the whole 10x20 portion in 2 eating sesh. cicil ukmppd @ bed in the evening (somehow felt refreshed enough to be able to concentrate in bed)

22 - went early to icu to put dops form. lugina for early lunch. i feel like my metabolism is faster? or my body is not so much in calorie deficit mode anymore and it got greedier lmao i used to just ignore hunger but not now, for health. starbiiies tumbler day. ordered black tea latte with non fat milk and vanilla syrup (because raspberry syrup is no more). did cbd geri ppt. 

23 - finally knew the swab result bcs kak iman asked kak farras. thankfully negative. igd with jordi. quite a few chances to do iv line, but i failed 2 times. managed to do iv injection to insert 2 drugs. saw the worst cpr ive ever seen in my life. its too slow, with maximal interruption. fish bite for lunch. wasted the rest of my day

24 - originally intended to run but i cant bring myself out of bed. packed up my stuff. picked up by mom. got the paper result of swab, got ksk from kelvyn @ capitol. can finally drink self-made matcha latte again, but it tasted horrible. i know cy matcha doesnt have that much going on, but even this is low even for them. previously i was starting to get used to the grassy smell.

25 - my lil bro remarked “maybe shes depressed because she doesnt have her chair”. fuck yall. this “depression” that im in is caused by this very place and the people. and im supposed to still muster the strength to study for ukmppd AND get my face together for solid book photoshoot. that shit is too much. this is why the money that goes to cafe, and the bike ride there is worth it for my sanity. after showering, things felt a bit better. had absolutely no will to study today. ate muesli with a bit of matcha latte.

26 - muesli for breakfast. matcha latte is lyfff ive probably said this before but it ~somehow~ makes me feel normal and not in a slump. like im a regular person. with normal moods. and not wanting to sleep all the time. i try to do ukmppd exercises but the pace is so fucking slow, bcs im distracted by get rich haha,,,. the latest potn update (64) is omgggg the mixed feelings? love? hate? anger? everything and nothing? the ~tension and passion~? im obsessed. watched a ton of bts content today and yesterday lmao.

27 - nasi kebuli for brekkie. went to flavola, im the first customer lmao. tried kopi susu coklat, tasted quite close enough to janjiw’s kopi soklat. had the same ~improved mood and concentration~ effect. tried to read ksk. bought milky banana 1L from puyo to give dajen (its his bday yesterday) (i feel prompted (?) to gift people when theyve given a present to me) (because my love lang is not gift giving at all so i barely think abt gifts lmao). talked with sum 33 ipa guys @ dajens house. yay appropriate amount of social battery charging. tryout with fianti, padi this time. got 67/100. 

28 - ate muesli with matcha latte after breakfast. cicil ukmppd. Listened to yoongi's vlive until i fell asleep lol. 2 burger and salad for dinner. omggg hansol revealed his gf. 

29 - spent half of my day tidying up the mess that is my room. figured out what to wear for solid book photoshoot with fianti, ara. matcha latte terosss. phd for dinner. 

30 - breakfast is muesli with cimory choco hazelnut. mom made matcha chocolate brownies. tryna study. slow pace terosss. read some padi materials. dalbang.

31 - bought vsoy low sugar and multigrain. moved my body a bit to youtube videos. showered. felt better. it also rained (which i love). the pleasant mood only lasted til the evening. did nothing from 7pm even though im not sleepy. cant tell when did i start to sleep

and just like that, 2020 kkeut. its sad to say i dont rly remember much remarkable things this year. other than the trip and memories with minor rotation friends. i just remember wasting my life away in my house. i guess that’s the danger of living a monotone life. sometimes you gotta invest some time to have fun, to have motivation to live on and do things. not doing this makes it difficult to live day by day. and friends. meeting friends, seeing new stuff. that helps me live. 

[blondecarfucker]

Bed of Roses (Chapter 19)

Roger Taylor x Reader

BoRhap!Roger Taylor x Reader

(god i hope i didnt already use this gif in another chapter)

Fic Summary: It's 1971. You just moved to London to study, and you find a band on a local pub after a bad date. The encounter doesn’t go the way you expect it, and neither does what follows this evening as you try to deal with loving Roger Taylor.

Fic Note: So I’ve had this story in my head for the last three weeks and finally decided to write it down. It’s completely planned. It will have 21 chapters and it’s divided in three acts: Dusk, Night and Dawn. It’s will be a bit angsty in the future, and it will most likely have some smut as well. I hope you guys enjoy it! Tell me what you think about it in the asks/comments/messages. PLEASE REMEMBER THIS IS NOT THE LAST CHAPTER OF THE STORY. If this is your first time stumbling upon Bed of Roses, thank you for stopping by! The rest of the story is in my masterlist, the link is in my bio - can't put the link here or else the post will disappear from the tags.

Chapter's notes: HEY GUYS!!! LONG TIME NO SEE, at least compared to my usual posting schedule. but work has been pretty intense these days, so im really sorry for disappearing :( but IM BACK WITH A LONG ASS CHAPTER and theres only TWO MORE CHAPTERS LEFT TO BED OF ROSES. WTF. it's been about a month since i started and i cant thank you all enough for the support. now im gonna stop talking cause you already have a long chapter to read

Words: like more than 5k my bad

Warnings: SMUT!!! HELL YEAH. also theres probably a bunch of errors cause im not revising this chapter in order to post it tonight, so my bad!!!

ACT 3 - DAWN

"It's the moment night time seems weaker and everything seems easier to figure out"

Chapter 19

"I guess", you answer, without much thought, and you start laughing as you both get up and move to the seats in front of you, so you can be as close as possible, nothing between the two of you. "This is so surreal. I'm having a hard time believing you're really here", you tell him, and his eyes go wide as he answers "Tell me about it", and takes another sip of his beer.

"I come inside this bar, a bit nostalgic because I've moved into a new place, and they're playing fucking Fleetwood Mac of all fucking things", he says, and you laugh at the way he says the name's band, so sarcastic, so ironically annoyed; you didn't know you missed it so much.

"And I think, well, that's a huge fucking coincidence, so I get to the bar and here you are. In that dress, too! I'm actually thinking they dropped something in my drink and I'm talking to an empty chair as I'm having a weird acid trip", he completes, and you're laughing non-stop, his smile widening at your response.

"Maybe they really did drop something in my drink, cause it must be an acid trip, it's too good to be true. Why are you here?" you ask, and he looks confused.

"I live nearby! I still live here, you know. You're the one who moved out. My acid trip theory makes way more sense", he tells you, and his smile gets even wider at your response; you're laughing again.

"You're right", you tell him, and you take a sip of your own drink.

"See!! You're saying I'm right right away! This must be an acid trip. Now tell me, hallucination of Y/N: why are you in London?", he asks, and you give him half a smile, shy.

"I got a job offer at the British Museum. Sorry I didn't tell-", you start apologizing, but you're interrupted by him as he pulls you into a hug. "I'm so happy for you!! You deserve it, more than anyone else", he tells you, letting you go of his arms, but you need to catch a breath before you can say anything else.

Roger's smell of patchouli and cigarettes fills your lungs, and you feel like you're melting on your chair.

You suddenly remember why you were horny most of the time around him.

His fucking smell.

And that was not just it - his jaw was more defined, his hair was shorter and bleached, and you had to stop yourself from running your fingers through them; it was even harder now that he broke the invisible barrier of touch between the two of you, the hug proving to you both that the other one was really there.

You noticed that he was looking at your details in close up, too - your lips, your eyes.

"Thanks, Rog", you answer, and you notice how much you missed saying his nickname to him, his reaction to it - his expression softens as soon as he hears it.

"When did you get here? Why didn't you call me?", he asks, and you give him a half smile. "Less than 24 hours ago. I wanted to call you - I called as soon as I got the job offer. It felt right that you should be the first to know, after everything, you know", you said, and he nodded lightly.

"But you never picked up", you said, and he sighed. "I moved out of our flat a couple months ago", he says. "Yeah, I thought so. But how's everything? How are the boys? The music? Why is your hair so short and bleached? Not that I don't love it, of course", you wink, back at your ironic flirting competition without a second thought.

"It's not that shorter", he says, holding a strand between his fingers and analysing it for a second. "I just thought I'd look better if I was even more blonde. Didn't really think much about it. The boys are doing good - we still fight all the time. But I'm very proud of our new album, don't know if you've heard of it", he said, and you scoffed.

"What do you mean? I've been a Queen fan all along. I bought A Day At The Races and everything. And all I've been hearing in the radios ever since I stepped foot in the UK again is We Are The Champions and We Will Rock You. They're both genius, by the way", you tell him, and he leans closer to you, cupping his own cheek as he puts his elbow on the bar counter.

"I didn't knew you kept paying attention. I always imagined you trying to forget us, trying to pretend we never existed", he said, and you didn't knew if his "we" meant the band or the two of you. Maybe both.

"I tried to avoid it, in the beginning. It was hard for me, and it was even harder cause I knew it all happened because of my choices", you tell him, and he frowns. "Hey, it was my fault, too", he says.

"You did take part in it. But it wasn't all you - it was mostly me, actually. I was unhappy with situations I had little control over, so I accidentally sabotaged our relationship, just to see if I still had control over something", you tell him. "I didn't notice it at the time, but I didn't love myself anymore. You can only give what you have. I couldn't love you properly and treat you right cause I didn't even do that to myself at the time", you complete, and his hand touches yours, intertwining your fingers together.

It didn't feel sexual, but it did felt intimate. He wanted to let you know he was there for you.

"Do you treat yourself properly, now?", he asks, concerned, and you nod. "Yeah. Maybe that's why destiny was nice to us today, bringing us here", you say, pointing your finger around to show your environment. "Cause maybe we can be good to each other now", you completed, and he gave you a half smile.

"I want to be nice with you. I wasn't as much as I could. I was always absent, I barely noticed how much you changed. And once I did, I didn't try to help as much as I just missed the old you. Our ending is on me, too", he says, and you can't help but smile at the situation, how unreal it feels.

"Can we take a walk, Rog? I can't really believe this is all happening. I need fresh air", you tell him, and he laughs ever so slightly. "Sure. You and your walks", he says, and you laugh.

You start walking to a park nearby. The wind is making you shiver, so Roger stops and takes his blazer off to put it on your shoulders, and you open your mouth to protest, about to say he doesn't have to do that, as you did many, many times before. "I know I don't have to, Y/N", he says, "but I want to".

He takes your hand into yours as soon as you start walking again. You smile as you realize it's almost as if you've never left, but it's also way better than it was before you left.

You don't regret leaving. If you didn't leave, you wouldn't be having this moment with Rog.

"So you did buy A Day At The Races...", he starts, swinging your arms in an almost childish manner. "Yeah...", you answer, and he turns his face so he can look at you. "Is my song still your favourite from the album?", he asks, and you laugh.

"Of course, Rog. Drowse is actually my favourite song of yours, even though I'm In Love With My Car will always hold a special place in my heart", you answered, and he laughed.

"So full of yourself, Y/N, just because you helped me record engine sounds", he told you, ironically, and you scoffed. "Hey, it's my favourite cause it reminds me of what we did after we recorded stupid engine sounds", you told him, and he smirked.

"I'm not sure if I remember that. Maybe you'll have to remind me", he said, winking, and you laughed.

You arrived at the park, and Roger sat on a bench as you sat on the grass. He looked at you, confused.

"C'mon, Rog. This way we can watch the stars", you told him, and he scoffed as he sat by your side.

"Sure, Brian", he told you, and you hit his shoulder playfully. "I miss the boys, too. Heard John had a baby", you told him, and he nodded. "Yeah, it's a beautiful kid. Reminded the rest of us how bad we are at relationships and families", he said, and it was your turn to laugh.

"It's okay. We all are. Deacy and Veronica are the exception", you told him, laying down. You took his hand into yours as he laid by your side.

"What are you up to, Y/N? I guess you still like fucking Fleetwood Mac", he said, jokingly. "Yeah, I went to their Madison Square Garden concert before coming here", you tell him, and he laughs. "Of course you did. What else?". "The Runaways", and you can see in your peripheral vision as he nods. "They're good", and you turn to the side, so you can watch him.

"Already back at analyzing my music taste, Taylor?", you ask, and he laughs, turning to the side so he can face you. "Well, it's been a while ever since I had the chance to do it. I need to make up for the lost time", he answers, and you shake your head.

"You're an asshole", you tell him, jokingly. "But yeah, I really like some of their stuff, like Cherry Bomb and You Drive Me Wild. There's also Blondie, who'll always have my heart, Debbie being a fellow new yorker, even though she's a new yorker by choice", you start telling him, but you stop once you notice he blushed.

"Roger Taylor, why are you blushing?", you ask, and it clicks once he scratched his head and looked away. "Well...", he started, but then went quiet. You didn't need him to say anything else. "Oh my God. You had an affair with her, didn't you?", and the look in his eyes answers for him.

"I can't believe it, you lucky bastard!", you tell him, and he frowns. "What, you're not jealous?" he asks, and you scoff. "Of course not. I couldn't expect you to stay pure and chaste after we broke up. You had no obligation to be, nor you were ever pure or chaste to begin with", you say, and he laughs. "Also, I'd try to have an affair with Debbie, if I ever had the chance, too. So I understand you", you tell him, and he smirks. "That would be hot", he says, and you slap his chest.

"Such a cliche fetish, Taylor. I expect better from you", you tell him, and he laughs again. "Sorry to disappoint you", he says.

And you stay there, laying in the grass with Roger by your side as you update each other in your lives - he tells you all about Freddie and Mary, and Brian and Chrissie. It seemed as if everyone from the old days but Veronica went away. And he asked you about your work, and New York, and if you still lived on the Upper East - he smiled once you told him you've moved out. He told you about the time he went to the Met last year, hoping to get to see you, and you were shocked when you realized you actually did see him outside as you went out to get lunch, but you couldn't believe it was him, since you were used to seeing him everywhere, knowing it wasn't really him. You were happy once he told you he liked to go to museums now. And once the birds start tweeting around you, and the sky becomes a lighter shade of blue, nearly lilac, you realize you've been talking for hours.

You've never felt so exposed to someone - he knew about your worst side, the saddest moments of your life, the most pathetic choices you've made - ones that hurt him - yet he was still there, laughing with you, interested in every word you said, caressing your arm over his blazer. You felt like you could be completely honest with him - he'd understand.

"Do you want to go?", Roger asks as he takes a strand of your hair and puts it behind your ear.

You look down to his lips, feeling the warmth coming from his body, his hands so close to your lips, your cheeks. You want to feel him against you again, and you think he'll be fine with that.

"Not really. Not now. Do you know what I really want, at the moment?", you ask, and he nods a "no".

"I want you to kiss me", you whisper, and he gives you a coy little smirk as he looks to your lips. "I can do that", he says, leaning in to kiss you.

And the feeling of his lips against yours, light and airy, made something inside you wake up - something you didn't notice was gone for long, but now that it's here again, you can't believe how long it's been ever since it was present. An extraordinary feeling.

You didn't feel complete - you felt complete alone, with yourself. Roger made you more than complete - he made you pour over your edges. He was like the sun - everything with him was brighter, better, more alive, more intense. He gave things the right perspective - not a new perspective, the right perspective. Everything was just better.

Especially you.

-

After a few moments kissing lightly, still getting used to each other's lips again, Roger kisses your cheek and whispers, his breath leaving goosebumps on your skin. "Do you know what I want?", he asks, his forehead against yours, and you nod lightly. "I want to go home with you", he tells you, and you smirk.

"I can do that", you retort, and he laughs a little as he gets up, offering you a hand. "Mademoiselle", he says, with an affected accent, and you take his hand.

You stroll along the sidewalk, still holding hands, as Roger looks for a passing cab. You just watch, and the sunlight makes his features look more real - he looked too much like an angel, a hallucination, when you were talking at night. Now he was here, a real person, by your side, looking for a cab so he could take you home - so casual, such a thing normal people do, you were sure you couldn't hallucinate with that. When you daydreamed of Roger, even before you started dating him, it was never this type of casual stuff. Now you understand that these simple moments together are what really makes you care about him so much.

-

He turns the key to open the door to his new place, but before he pushes it open, he turns to you.

"It's a bit empty… Not every new piece of furniture is here already", he tells you, and you nod. "I get it. My flat is mostly boxes, at the moment".

He pushes the door open and the first thing you feel is the sunrise on your eyes, the sun warming up your skin.

You take off his blazer as you get inside, and you can feel his eyes on you as your eyes adjust to the light. You put the blazer on a chair as you walk closer to the other side of the living room, where the entire wall was glass, giving you a perfect view of River Thames and its bridges, looking magical as the sun glimpsed from the horizon.

"This is amazing, Rog", you tell him, and he says "Yeah, it's a pretty nice view" from behind you, checking you out. You walk to him and playfully hit him. "Back at your old ways, I see", you say, and he smirks.

"Only if you let me" he says, and you laugh. You wonder if it's not weird that you're both barely questioning if you should do this - go back to each other's arms so quickly - but you shake the thought out of your mind. You sabotaged this relationship enough, you hurted Roger and yourself enough. Now you decide to just deal with things as they come - if right now, the two of you are interested in being together again, even if it's just now, so you will be.

"I will", you answer him, and a smile appears on his lips as your hands move to his hair, your attention now focused on how it will feel on your hands.

But then the phone rings.

"Oh, for fuck's sake", Roger complains, and you're divided between being annoyed and laughing at his response. "I'll be back in a minute", he says, turning around and walking to the phone.

He answers the phone, his voice visibly annoyed firing quick responses to whoever was on the other side of the line. "I know. I'll be there. Now you said I had the week off, so pretend I don't exist until it's over", he says, and then turns it off.

You're still where you were when he went to pick up the phone, but it felt a bit weird to just go back to it - the phone call ruined the mood.

Roger knew that. So he just smiled and shrugged, saying "I can't even have a week off without the label calling me this hour in the morning", and you give him a half smile. Instead of walking straight towards you, he stops by the record player, looking for something in the boxes on its side, until he finds what he's looking for.

You recognize what's playing, and it's something you wouldn't expect from Roger. It was Bob Marley and The Wailers new album, Exodus - Turn Your Lights Down Low, to be more specific.

You chuckled as he walked closer to you. "Didn't knew you liked reggae, Mr Taylor", you told him, and he laughed. "Are you judging my music taste, Y/N? I thought you were better than this", and he offered you a hand, taking you into his arms so you could sway your bodies to the rhythm of the song. "Also, it's a pretty appropriate song, if you pay attention to the lyrics", he said, and you did so as he started to whisper them on your ear, giving you goosebumps.

"I kept this message for you, girl

But it seems I was never on time

Still I wanna get through to you, girlie

On time, on time

I want to give you some love, good, good lovin'"

His lips went down to your neck, but you wanted to kiss him after hearing those words coming out of his mouth in his husky voice, so you entangled your fingers on his hair and pulled his lips into yours.

This kiss was more rough, it wasn't romantic as the last one in the park. This one was needy - you tried telling him how much you missed him on it, and so did he. You felt his shoulders under your hands as his hands went straight to your bum.

You chuckled against his lips as he pressed you to the wall, but once you felt cold glass against your back, you pushed him back, slightly. He looked confused.

"Don't want to test how much your window can take or flash your new neighbours, do we?", you ask, and he smiles. "If it's with you, I wouldn't mind, really", Roger tells you, but he guides you to his room anyway.

"The bed is not here yet, but the mattress already is", he says, and you nod. "Guess I really won't have an option but flashing your neighbours", you point to the window. "Hey, it's a pretty tall building. No other building around us is tall enough to really see what's happening here. Just the sun, the birds and the Thames", he says, grabbing you by your waist back into a kiss.

This one's a bit slower, more in sync with the music coming from the living room. You start to unbutton his shirt, sliding it off his arms. You break the kiss so you can look at him, his torso more defined than before. "I missed you", you tell him, kissing him again, and his eyes flicker to your chest for a moment before he mumbles an I missed you too against your lips.

You moaned when the feeling of his tongue massaging yours was combined with his thumbs brushing against your nipples over the dress. He groaned in response, and one of your hands that were on his neck went to cup his jaw, and you could feel the stubble under your fingers.

He moves his kisses to you neck as you recover your breath, playing with your earlobe as your breathing hitched. He pressed his nose against your skin. "You smell so good. I couldn't remember it, sometimes", he told you, and you smirked. "Did you think about me a lot?", you ask, and he moves away from your neck so he could look into your eyes. "When I was alone, you were usually the one I'd think about", he said, and you blushed.

This seemed to turn him on even more, as he unzipped the back of your dress and pulled it down, the chiffon making a ruffling sound as it hit the floor. Roger kicked his shoes and socks away as he kissed your cleavage, his lips leaving a fiery trace wherever they touched your skin. "God, you're so sexy", he said, pulling you closer by the hip as one of his hands slipped your bra strap off your shoulder, pulling the lace off from one of them as he cupped it.

You move your head back as you moan when his thumb repeats the movement on your nipple, but this time with no fabric between them. He moves his hands to your back and unclasps your bra, sliding the other strap off your shoulders and throwing the bra to the side.

He gets on his knees as he moves his wet kisses down to your stomach, and then closer to your underwear, and you get ready for him to take it off, but he doesn't, moving his hands to your ankles and moving them to the side, which makes you open your legs a bit wider. You hold onto his hair, a smirk on his lips as you do so, and he starts kissing the inner part of your things, and you groan, annoyed that he's teasing you.

But he's actually helping you take your shoes off, and you smile as you realize that. Once you kick your scarpins away, he strokes the sides of your legs until he reaches the elastic band of your lace underwear. He pulls it down slowly, moving his kisses to your lower stomach as they fall off and you kick them away.

You make an annoyed sound when he breaks away from you to take you to his "bed", the mattress on the ground. You lean into the pillows as he's on top of you again, and your annoyed to feel the fabric of his trousers against you. "You're wearing too many clothes", you complain, and he smirks. "Just a minute, okay, babe?", he says, and you can't hold a genuine smile at the sound of your old nickname.

He notices that, pinching your cheeks ironically before going back to kissing you. He doesn't take long before nibbling your lower lip and then moving his kisses back to your breasts, stimulating one with his thumb on one of your nipples while kissing the other. You can't help but moan.

Roger then slides the hand from your breasts to your sides, moving it down to your core, stroking you. You groan, and you groan again even louder as he starts massaging your clit. "You're so wet, already", he says, and you smirk at him, almost challenging him. What are you going to do about it? you seem to ask, raising your brow.

And he breaks contact with him, making your eyes narrow as you frown, only for them to get wide as his big, callous hands separate your thighs and his lips take the place where his fingers were moments before.

"Fuck, Roger", you moan, his tongue massaging your clit as he slides two fingers inside you. "God, Rog", you say, as he continues his movements. You're pulling at his hair to keep him where he was.

After a few minutes, you pull harder at his hair, and he starts to pump his fingers faster on you. He moans against you as you keep saying his name, and the buzz from it makes you vibrate. That's enough to send you over the edge, and he breaks away from you after your first orgasm that morning.

He licks his lips as he wraps his arms around you, still shaking from your orgasm. "You taste so good, Y/N. I also missed the way you scream my name, even though it's early in the morning. I'm happy to wake my neighbours up to this", he says, but you recovered your breath, and you want to do something you missed, too. So you turn him over so you can now be on top of him, and you kiss him, very roughly, grinding against him and feeling him hard under you.

"Told you you're wearing too many clothes", you said as he groaned. You kept riding him with his pants still on, just to tease him, as you left love marks on his skin. You missed it.

But you wanted to feel him against your tongue again, so you got off his lap and unzipped his pants, pulling them down along with his underwear as he sucked a breath. You felt like you teased him enough, but as you positioned yourself, you stroked him a few times, earning more moans from him, but nothing compared to the way he said your name as you moved your lips down on him, pressing a kiss to the tip before taking him completely into your mouth.

You loved the feeling of control having him inside your mouth always gave you, his taste on your tongue as he tugged on your hair to help you find a rhythm. You watched as one of his hands let go of you to tug on the bedlinen by the side of your head.

It was only a few minutes after you started when he pulled you away and onto his lips again. "I was about to come. I want to shag you properly before I can come, babe", he said, giving you a quick peck before turning you over so he's on top of you now.

"Sure, Rog", you say, giving him a peck back. "Can you go slow? It's been a while, at least for me. A few months", you shrug, and he gives you a soft smile.

"So guys in New York weren't that interesting, then?", he asks, and you smile. "Not that much. Nothing remarkable, really. And plain nothing ever since I found out I'd be moving here again", you told him, and he smiled. "I'll make your wait worth it", he said, and you smile. "You already did. This is gonna be a bonus", you told him.

You wrapped your legs around him, giving him free access to you while pulling him closer, and you moan at the same time once he starts to get inside you slowly, bottoming out and staying there for a few seconds.

"God, Y/N", he says, and the way he says your name drives you crazy - his beautiful voice almost sang it to your ears. He started moving slowly, so you could adapt to his size again, and soon he picked up a faster pace, closing his eyes when he cursed, looking down to watch your breasts bounce at his movements, leaving marks on your butt cheeks as he gripped on them.

It wasn't long before you had your second orgasm with him, crying out his name, which only made his movements faster - he was close again.

You watched his muscles popping under his skin as he thrusted, and you wanted to make him hit his high as soon as possible, since he did it for you twice today. "Fuck, Rog, you feel so good", you told him, and you could see the veins in his neck popping, his jaw clenching. "Come for me, Roger", you said, and he pushed into you once more, collapsing over your body later. You ran your fingers through his hair as he recovered his breath, feeling a thin layer of sweat covering your bodies.

"God, I've missed you", he told you, pressing a kiss to the curve of your neck.

-

You woke up, the afternoon light blinding you for a few seconds. But even once your eyes adjusted to it, you were confused about your surroundings.

Then you remember everything - Roger.

You're in his new place, and even though he's not in bed with you, you can still feel him around you - his smell, the feeling of him inside you.

You get up and pick his button up off the ground, almost second nature - you used to do it all the time. Once you get out, Roger is paying a delivery guy only in his boxers.

"Y/N! You're awake!" he smiles, shaking the delivery guy's hand a goodbye and closing the door, and you smile back at him. "Yeah, it's been a pretty long night", you told him, and he left the paper bag with the delivery on top of the table before pulling you into a hug, pressing a kiss on top of your head. "Love these long nights that turn into quite long mornings. It's 2pm, so good afternoon, sunshine, and I got us lunch", he told you, leading you to the table.

"Great, I'm starving", you told him, and he got sushi trays out of the bag. "Nice choice. Didn't think your taste for sushi would continue for so long", you told him, already eating.

"Didn't ever think I'd share sushi again with you", he shrugged, and you smiled. "Y/N, where are we?", he asked, and you frowned.

"I have no idea. I tried not to overthink us for the last few hours, but you're right. Maybe we should talk about this", you said, pointing your finger to the both of you.

"I love you, still", he said, simply, and you smiled. "I love you too, Rog. I never stopped loving you - we just needed time so we could figure our lives, maybe?", you asked, and he nodded.

"Yeah, but I'm afraid to rush things now and ruin everything. But I also don't want this fear to stop me from being with you, if I want to", he said, and you agreed.

"Maybe we should just do the stuff we want to, no strings attached, no names given for what we are. We'll just go with it, at least for now", you said, and he agreed.

"Yeah, about that. I have the next week off before I need to go promote News Of The World, and it will be a month before I'm back here in London again. Then we have the launch party and three weeks of rehearsing before tour", he told you, and you knew he wanted to compare schedules, know how long you might have together. It happened before, many times.

"I only start working next Monday", you said. It was a Sunday, almost eight full days before you had to work.

"So we have a free week. I thought about what you just said now, and I have an idea", he said, a devilish smirk on his lips, the one you knew so well, and you raised a brow. "Enlighten me, then", you told him.

"You just talked about doing the stuff we want to, just going with it, stuff like that, right? So, at the moment, I just really want to take you to Paris and spend the week with you there", he told you, and you choked on your food.

He laughed as he helped you drink some sake to get the food down. "So, do you want to go?", he asked, and you thought about it, still red from the incident.

Your natural instinct was to say no - you had to unpack your stuff, and adapt or whatever, before work. But his question - do you want to go instead of can you go - made you reconsider.

You wanted to go, so you nodded. "Sure", you said, and then laughed. Life took the most unexpected turns with you, sometimes.

"Really? Great!! I can drive you to your new place so you can pack before we go to the train station and just hop on the next train to Paris", he said, excited, pulling you in for another hug, and then moving his hands to cup your face. "I just thought it could be fun if we went some country none of us really know and discover it together. Also, it's pretty romantic, so lots of opportunities to get you turned on", he winked, and you laughed.

As you felt his fingers brush against your cheeks, you remembered something you wanted to ask, and took one of his hands into your own so you could look at it. "Rog, your hands have always been pretty callous because of the drumsticks, but now the fingertips are, too. Why?" you asked, and he shrugged. "I've been playing the guitar a lot, recently", he said, and you opened your mouth in shock.

"No way! I need to see it", you told him, and he smiled. "Sure. Right after I take a shower, I'll take you to meet my Fender. Then you can help me pack before we go to your place", he told you, pressing a kiss on your lips. "Thank you. Really, thank you", he said, and you smiled. "Thank you, Rog. I was scared you'd hate me, sometimes. Now go take that shower before I join you and we never get on a train to Paris", you told him, turning him around and slapping his ass, playfully.

As you heard the shower and Roger's singing as he showered, you walked to the window, taking in the view.

You were back in London, and back with Roger.

And you couldn't be happier.

---

Chapter 20

Masterlist

Taglist:

@taylorroger-s @sarai-ibn-la-ahad @its-nessi @anamcg317 @frenchieswiftie @queen-danielle-dani-dan @minihemo @shutup-sorry @theyrealllegends @killerqueenisthebest @ashagracelove @hardy-s @fuckinghurricanesoul @secretsweetscollectionblog @mrswinterhater @11mb0 @tamtam-go92 @derptatosaur @brianandthemays @phantom-fangirl-stuff @the-hysterical-queen @rogerofmylife @notevenlxvely @discodeakyy @x1975sos @16wiishes @jennycidesstuff @partydulce @melros-e @onevisionliz

[karmanticmoved]

1-85 uwu

j esus okay

1. describe yourself.

uh,, emotional ig, dumbass, quiet, exhausted all of the time, v queer, healthy mix of feminine and masculine, insecure, and not tha t great tbh. kinda a pussy ass b itch

2. if you could go anywhere for a week all expenses paid where would it be?

idrk. maybe somewhere like a hella nice beach in another country, maybe somewhere in europe. i like travelling but i hate the travel to get there and have no money so i havent put thought into it. maybe hawaii or somewhere like that.

3. do you have siblings?

the one thats still alive is my half brother

4. what is your favorite constellation, why?

orion maybe bc i don't know a lot but i can see that one from my bedroom window even in the city n idk. its comforting. or scorpius cause i'm a scorpio

5. favorite color.

yellow, pink, or blue.

6. what kind of music do you listen to?

almost anything. whatever catches my interest.

7. favorite flower. (you can name as many as you want cause flowers are awesome)

forgot what i said last time but those

yellow carnations i think?

8. if you could do magic, what is the first spell you would learn?

maybe smth to put myself to sleep immediately bc f uCk

9. favorite childhood memory.

my summer camp memories are pretty great. also memories of my dad and i going fishing are good.

10. have you ever been cheated on?

i mean in theory i couldve been bc online relationships but no. n im polyam and have identified as such for a majority of my relationships so no.

11. if you could describe your perfect room, what would it be?

big but not too big, yknow? like big enough that it can be filled and have room to walk around and lay on the ground or whatever but not Empty. and a pretty big bed to stretch out on, n a closet in the room. multiple windows w blackout curtains so theres light but it can be blocked out. n fluffy rugs or carpeting but preferably rugs in case smth spills so we can get it out of at least Remove the rug. and probably a cat tree thing in corner for dipper. n a computer desk and actual lights that light up the whole room. but probably,, fairy lights too bc full lights too bright. and i kinda want a pink room but blue or yellow work also. a nd pride flags on the walls + posters and various other stuff bc plain walls are boring. and tons n tons of b ooks too.

12. favorite animal.

river otter

13. what was the last photo you took of?

cat

14. do you believe in soul mates?

i'm not sure. i do kinda think there are people who you will like. really really click with and who become so important in your life that they're like. apart of u yknow? but i don't think that anyone as an individual needs to keep those people in their life forever. they arent destined to stay with them, and they shouldnt force that relationship (platonic, familial, romantic, or whatever) even if they were close for years and years. screw destiny. youll have people you care about, and sometimes you have to break that bond to save yourself, and thats okay. there will be other people who can and will be just as important. that got kinda off topic skbsks. i don't think theres really like Destiny soulmates. but there could be like. soulmates in the sense of for however long we're together, we're soul bonded. even if its not forever. does that even make se nse skbsns

15. do you hang toilet paper over or under?

over is the one thats socially acceptable right

16. your go to place to eat & your favorite thing to get there.

idk theres a place near a movie theater closeish to my house and its a nice little cafe and i dont eat there bc i dont eat much in general but i get their bubble tea and i love. raspberry bubble tea w rose popping bubbles. its comfort drink.

17. do you believe everything happens for a reason?

no. sometimes shit happens for no reason, and its bullshit, but you can't reverse it, so you gotta figure out how to move on from it.

18. guilty pressures?

im assuming thats meant to be pleasures

umm,, idrk. i don't know what exactly i like that would count as a guilty pleasure so,,

19. favorite mythical creature, why?

merpeople are s o cool i fuckin. love funky aquatic pals hell yeah. maybe im just Water babey but. they're rad. dragons are also hella cool bc like dragons???? theyre scaly and prett y and can breathe fire or have wings and kill u?? also like selkies bc again. water. but i used to hear a lot of stories abt them and theyre so nea t

20. something most people don’t know about you.

i have the potential to be a huge asshole and also kinda Wish to fuckin murder someone sometimes but. i act nice most of the time anyway.

not murder murder but i can get angr y enough that i just wanna Stab smth

21. where did you grow up, what was it like?

grew up kinda near the edge of the city, still in it but not like the main city area. in western washington. it was kinda rly boring, i used to spend a lot more time outside or just by myself playing with leaves or toys or whatever. when i had friends i played make believe w them even when outside of school. so yeah. boring id say.

22. do you believe aliens exist?

sure.

23. what was your last google search?

other than names for some actors n stuff, i was looking up various star wars things

24. what did your last relationship teach you?

the one that like. ended? i guess thatd be. be careful with your own feelings and try to figure them out before jumping into anything, and also don't try to force smth that in reality isnt really working.

25. would you relocate for love?

honestly yeah

26. do you hold grudges or forgive easy?

both. it just depends on how badly i or someone i care about was hurt by it. more likely to hold a grudge if a friend was hurt by someone d eep enough to leave a lasting impact or if they don't get a genuine apology i will be 🔫🔫. or if the person keeps hurting them. even if that person is also my friend.

27. favorite book.

favorite graphic novel is bloom by kevin panetta

favorite books in general are autoboyography, more happy than not, and what if its us. all gay. i know. its okay. im a kinnie.

28. do you consider yourself an extrovert or introvert?

introvert by far

29. have you ever kept a journal, do you now?

i tried once. i probably will have to once i go see a therapist, or at least one for my Bad Thoughts

30. top 5 favorite movies.

in no particular order

little shop of horrors, love simon, coco, it (2017 and 1990), and shazam! ig? maybe others but i definitely Forgot all the shit ive watched

31. do you believe that everything happens for a reason?

no

32. what is your greatest fear?

definitely gotta be all of the people i love hating me and abandoning me or secretly hating me and then leaving me without saying anything. and the worst part is im always afraid its gonna happen babeyy

33. favorite alcoholic beverage.

im baby

34. most embarrassing thing you’ve done.

im embarrassed by my own existence. i don't remember the Most embarrassing thing

35. do you believe in ghosts?

not until i have proof that i can actually trust and believe in

36. what is the best and worst part of your personality?

idk ig im nice. but im also. very easily set off on certain emotions especially the bad ones which sucks like especially jealousy bc i dont wanna!! feel jealous!! tho i think that ties into my greatest fear bc my brain immediately tells me im useless to everyone and they hate me. but. sometimes i get jealous and then feel bad for that and then hate myself for all of it. bc my friends deserve to hang out w other people and care about other people im just fucking stupid babey !!

37. should you split the dinner bill?

i rly don't get why you wouldnt tbh like if u both wanna be there u should both pay. but if one person gonna pay it should be the person that asked.

38. are you a good liar?

most of the time. when it comes to my mental health i can either lie great or im literally breaking down in front of the person so

39. what keeps you up at night?

depressing thoughts. anxiety about everything. wishing i could cuddle and fall asleep w jay. sometimes i just cant sleep bc im too restless.

40. would you rather go without your phone or music?

music. i need my phone to text my friends and i Need my friends

41. do you believe in god?

what god would let the world get to the point its at. what god would allow people to do such fucked up shit.

no. i don't.

42. how do you relax when frustrated?

cry, take a nap, take a shower, listen to music, cuddle dipper

43. what’s something that offends you?

when people go "oh yeah i support gay rights but im still gonna eat at chick fil a bc its good" like i get so fucking. pissed off by that. youre not gonna fucking s ta rv e without their goddamn chicken. i know a bi person who goes there and says its okay bc they dont Directly Give Their money to Specifically anti gay organisations but im just. ugh. fucking pissed bc there are other places to get food just avoid the one place for fucks sake. their food is good it doesnt matter. its like saying yeah pewdiepie is a bad person and nazi and a racist asshole but his videos r funni haha so im gonna watch him anyway

44. favorite food

i hate myself whenever i eat food

45. if you were on a 10 hour flight and could sit and talk to any person the entire time, who would it be?

@destinedformuchmore or @pinaplelee

46. when do you feel the most confident?

never? but ig i feel confident when working on tech construction during theater tech. as long as i know what im doing.

47. what do you do in your free time?

sleep. draw. cry. play video games. talk to my friends.

48. is there anyone who has completely lost your respect

matpat did for being a dick abt neopronouns and making a transphobic joke and only apologizing when a cis person told him to. not when hundreds of trans people did. and also other jokes that are inherently offensive to various groups. a n d for making extremely not Child friendly jokes in his videos which are very much targeted towards kids. say what you will about the target audience, there are a lot of children who watch them. please stop making creepy nsfw jokes if you won't even swear, sir.

49. have you ever broken someone’s heart?

i guess so yeah. but she also broke mine first.

50. did/do you play sports in school?

i did. i don't anymore bc highschool sports are bullshit but. basketball, ultimate, and soccer.

51. when are you happiest?

talkin 2 jay prolly

52. coffee or tea?

tea

53. what is one possession you own you wouldn’t want to live without?

my binder. or my stuffed cat puppet thing ive had since i was 7

54. what is the first thing you notice about a person?

their general emotions, mostly. like if theyre in a good mood or if theyre bored or distracted or whatever. or if they seem interested in actually talking to me

55. what is your favorite season, why?

fall. my birthday, the atmosphere is nice, it's pretty, its hoodie weather.

56. what makes you laugh?

stupid little comments or jokes my friends make tend to make me laugh a lot harder than i should but jabdn

57. are you a clean or messy person?

a mix. i Cannot have some things messy or i will ksjqkd. Die but i don't make my bed too often bc its ha rd when its against 3 walls.

58. what is important for a successful relationship?

communication communication communicati

talk about ur goddamn problems n keep talking to each other.

59. what was your upcoming like?

if thats supposed to be upbringing

idk, very relaxed. pretty easygoing and kinda boring.

60. favorite holiday?

any holiday in december rly. i don't celebrate a Lot but the atmosphere and others celebrating is nice to see. i kinda wish my parents did more to embrace the jewish part in our family blike. whatever. christmas is fun.

61. what is the first thing you’d do if you won the lottery?

give half of it to my parents. and then probably use it for plane ticket

62. what’s the best pizza topping combination?

hawaiian pizza. pinapple n canadian bacon ty

63. favorite outdoor activity.

frisbee

64. how are you? honestly.

not great. i want highschool to end.

65. would you rather go camping in the woods or stay at a beach resort?

idk. camping is fun but if i get to stay at the resort for free i would rly love 2 stay at a resort tbh ive never done that

66. what is the most beautiful thing in nature?

waterfalls. or rivers or just. water in nature. and very green forests. aNd snow.

67. favorite type of candy?

none

68. if your life was a book, what would be the title?

i can and will do arson, an autobiography

69. what movie quotes do you use of a regular bases?

i quote john mulaney and whatever my obsessions are pretty regularly

70. what was cool when you were young but not cool now?

silly bandz. pokemon cards. these weird unicorn figures i collected

71. what’s the craziest conversation you have ever eves dropped on?

im mostly the one having the weird conversations

72. what’s the most interesting documentary you’ve ever watched?

i watched one about dogs and cats and their evolution which was lit

73. what’s the worst hairstyle you’ve had?

when i let the lady just go fuckin ham on my hair bc i was watching spirit that horse movie and didnt wanna stop so it was. rly bad bangs and hella short in back but not the sides

74. what do you like to cook?

whatever im hungry for. i don't have the energy to cook a lot

75. what’s the coolest animal you’ve seen in the wild?

really pretty tropical fish

76. what’s the funniest tv show you’ve ever seen?

idk. i rly like schitts creek its pretty amusing

77. do you usually follow your heart or your head?

heart at first but my head if things get bad

78. what is your favorite quote?

"i have a splitting headache and i think i'm dying. how are you?"

or a character just saying "try harder" when another failed to do smth.

this is supposed to be deep or whatever but im in a Mood

79. what’s the weirdest crush you have ever had?

once had a crush on a character in a minecraft parody lmao

80. what’s your love language?

sending shit that makes me think of them. n just. making tons of stuff for them both online and irl like bracelets.

81. do you ever feel alone?

oh yeah. all the time. im not but it feels like i am which sucks

82. ever been bullied?

yeah

83. are you usually early or late?

late bc of my parents rip

84. what kind of art do you enjoy most?

drawing, or writing. also theater.

85. what do you wish you knew more about?

i just wish i could remember everything ive learned more about. i know a lot i just forget all.

id like to know more about forensics tho

[horansqueen]

You & Me : chapter 33

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

Sequel to AM CONVERSATIONS

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21 || CHAPTER 22 || CHAPTER 23 || CHAPTER 24 || CHAPTER 25 || CHAPTER 26 || CHAPTER 27 || CHAPTER 28 || CHAPTER 29 || CHAPTER 30 || CHAPTER 31 || CHAPTER 32

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -4.1k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- notes: i actually enjoyed writing this. but i feel like i forgot something and i cant put my fingers on it.

if you want to be on the list of blogs i notify when this is updated, just message me :)

requests! : here they are! hope you like them! changed the second one a bit tho

Chapter 33 : His chapter

NIALL

March 29th, 2018

Ninteen days. Nineteen long days without her and I was back again in Dublin for a show before I could take a plane to her and spend over two weeks with her. If I wanted to be honest with myself, these past weeks had been horrible. I waited for her calls like a dependent and crazy boyfriend and it made me think that perhaps, it was how she felt when I spent so much time at a bar, back then. I could pretend I was not scared that the feelings she had for Dylan would somehow change and become stronger than the ones she had for me, but deep down, I knew It was a fear of mine. They say 'out of sight, out of mind', right?

I didn't know if I should worry or not because despite the fact that she has loved me for as long as she can remember, I was well aware that feelings change. After all, she hadn't broken up with Dylan for me, she had made that clear and I knew anyway, which meant that going back to him was always an option. I shook my head, a bit lost in my thoughts, as people around me were laughing and preparing the show. I didn't want to go out there and sing, I didn't want to be here. Not if she was somewhere else.

I did everything like a zombie, feeling a bit numb, and finally grabbed my guitar and putting a smile on my face. I jumped slightly when I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned to see a blond head, making me smile more.

"You alright?"

I blinked a few times and just nodded before turning around but suddenly, I felt my heart jump in my chest.

"Jules?" i asked loud enough for her to hear me. "Where's Liv's note? I was sure I put it here."

Julia frowned and started looking around before shaking her head. "Are you sure you left it here?"

My heartbeats started accelerating. I knew I had to be on stage in less than two minutes and I had completely forgotten about the note. In fact, my mind had been blank for a few hours. Julia and I both started searching everywhere and I was literally starting to panic. I knew it was not that big of a deal if I missed opening her envelop one time, or even if I walked on stage 10 minutes late, but for some reason, it stressed me so much it made me want to puke.

I don't know how long it took but I saw Julia run back to me, her arm up in the air, holding a pink envelop, zigzagging to dodge people on her way to me. I sighed and felt the stress falter. She got in front of me and I snatched the envelop from her hands before pulling her into a tight hug.

"Thank you!"

She chuckled and pulled away before grabbing my phone and licking her lips. "Okay, open it, I'm filming you."

I chuckled and rolled my eyes, feeling suddenly a bit more relaxed. The show could wait and if I wanted to be honest, I was impatient to smell Olivia's perfume from the paper, to see her horrible handwriting and the little hearts she always draw everywhere. It was the boost I needed before going up there to spend two hours singing songs that reminded me of her. I needed it. It became more than an habit, I was fucking addicted.

Quickly, I teared the envelop and let it fall on the floor as the scent of honey and vanilla filled my nose. I glanced up at the camera and noticed how big Julia was smiling. I hadn't told her that Olivia and I were more than friend but she had heard the whole story and somehow, she had pushed me to go back to her. I never followed her advice because I knew Olivia was with Dylan but now that it was a secret, I felt bad for lying to her. I had told her about the letters Olivia gave me but hadn't mentioned that they were filled with dirty stuff and love words, and now that she was filming, it was going to be tough answering whatever Liv had written in that note.

"Hey petal." I said in a soft tone, looking at my phone. "Last letter of yours before I fly back there! Hope you're ready for pubs and movie nights because I fucking am!" I laughed and looked down to read the purple glitter words on the pale pink paper, my face changing more and more as my eyes scanned the letter.

'Niall James Horan, I love you. I want nothing but to be with you right now. And maybe I actually am. If you look carefully, you may see me.'

I frowned and looked up at Julia who chuckled a bit. "Turn the sheet."

I did it quickly and noticed she had written something else. 'Yes, dumbass. I'm here. I took a plane to you. Now go on stage. I'll hold you in my arms as soon as your show is over.'

Julia kept filming and moved closer to me, snatching the letter from my hand and pushing me toward the stage. I tried to resist, my eyes looking around to see where she was and Julia laughed more.

"Go, Niall! You'll see her soon!"

I frowned and turned to her, my eyes getting bigger.

"You knew?" I asked in a shocked tone, making her shrug. "Wait, where is she?"

"Stage!" Julia said with her soft light voice, trying to be firm. "Now!"

I kept looking around but finally walked on stage, starting with the first song. I knew the song by heart and didn't really have to think much. It was good since all my thoughts were taken by my best friend, wondering if she was really here and if yes, when would I be able to take her in my arms. I finished the song and when I turned around, my eyes caught someone on the side of the stage. No one in the crowd could see her but when our eyes met, her lips curled more. She hadn't changed at all. She tilted her head and pressed her lips together and even though I shouldn't have, I literally ran backstage, held my guitar to the first person I saw and wrapped my arms around her neck as she wrapped hers around my chest.

"Fuck, you’re really here." I whispered, leaning my cheek on her head before kissing her hair and holding her tighter.

She chuckled but I felt her shake in my arms as if she was sobbing and she squeezed me harder, rubbing her cheek on my shirt a few times before gripping it in my back. It took her a few minutes but she finally sniffed and tried to get out of my embrace.

"You need to go back." she pointed out in a low tone, but I still heard her voice break.

"Just a few more seconds." I replied, pulling her back in my arms.

It was torture to not be able to kiss her and tell her how much I loved her but I moved my head down, bringing my lips very close to her ear.

"I fucking missed you. I can't believe you're here." I whispered, feeling my bottom lip brush against her ear. "You're the best gift I ever had."

She chuckled and pushed me away gently again, wiping a tear on her cheek and moving her chin in my direction. "Go!"

I hesitated but finally got back on stage to sing a few more songs but when I started Flicker, I couldn't help but glance at Olivia over and over again. The memories of writing this song and of the falling we had at the end of our relationship started flooding me and I suddenly felt myself tear up. I had to stop near the end of the song and just walked off stage again, going back to her. This time, I didn't even take the time to put my guitar away, I just moved it in my back in a swift movement and gripped my best friend again, pulling her against me.

"I want to kiss you." I whispered as she nuzzled my neck, feeling tears fall down my cheeks despite myself.

"Me too, Niall."

"I love you okay?" I added quickly in a low tone, my eyes closed, trying to stop crying. "I love you and that song is so fucking tough to sing."

I heard her swallow hard and she brushed her nose on my neck. "I'm here now. I'm back. And I'm not leaving."

"I'm not leaving either. Never again."

                                                ----

We ended up backstage after the show and all grabbed a beer. Olivia was laughing with Julia a bit afar and I couldn't take my eyes off her. I wasn't even aware that these two actually talked to each other but watching them interact made me feel good for a reason I ignored. Perhaps, the fact that Olivia was ready to get to know more of my friends made this whole thing easier. Back then, she only really hung out with Louis or the people we hung out with before I was famous. She never really showed interest in meeting my other friends or hanging out with people I met as a singer and even if I understood she didn't feel at ease, it still made me sad.

They both turned to me and looked back at each other before laughing together and I suddenly got curious. I got up and walked to them, bending slightly between them and raising my eyebrows.

"You guys are talking about me?"

"Were we?" Julia asked with a frown, a big smile still gracing her lips and a dimple digging in her cheek.

"We were talking about how incredible Julia had been. She was so discreet you didn't see it coming." Olivia replied, turning to me and sending me a smile, too. "I think she's officially my favorite friend of yours, now."

I looked at Liv as she turned to Julia again and they both laughed some more. It was horrible that I couldn't just grab her and kiss her but I still moved my arm around her waist and I could have sworn her smile got bigger.

"Yea, well done." I admitted, shaking my head. "And now I have two free weeks and we can spend it here. What do you say?"

"I only have a few days, Nee, I'm sorry." she admitted, her facial expression turning into a guilty one. "But I can join you in France when you start your tour again? I asked that week to go see my parents."

My eyes roamed on her face and I felt something break inside me. It took me half a second to take a decision.

"I'll just go back to Cali with you." I let out in a low voice, moving a bit closer to her. "Maybe I can go to one of your filming days?"

Her lips curled and she glanced at Julia, making me suddenly remember that we were not alone. I turned to Julia too and saw her try to hide a smile by pressing her lips hard together. She turned around and walked away to go talk to someone else and I turned back to Liv, raising my nose up in a grimace.

"Oops, sorry." I whispered, holding my breath. "You think she knows?"

"If she's not completely stupid yea. I mean, the girl has two functioning eyes and two clearly great ears, if I trust the way she sings. So yea, she knows." Olivia pointed out with a chuckle.

"You're not mad?"

She tilted her head as she stared at me, her amused smile turning quickly into a fond one. I felt my palm burn on her back, over her shirt, and she sighed low.

"Niall, I think it's time you bring me back to your hotel room, what do you say?"

I didn't have a hotel room. In fact, I was ready to leave right after the show to catch my plane but now that plans had changed, I had to think about something, and there was no way I was going back to sleep at my parents'.

"I'll find one."

I quickly grabbed my phone in my pocket and called the hotel I stayed in the night before to reserve a room. I sighed in relief when I found out they weren't all taken and finally hung up and turned back to her.

"Done."

Her lips curled and she nodded and quickly, we said our goodbyes to everyone. No one insisted that we stayed or followed them to a bar and we just took a cab and left. She didn't kiss me until the hotel room's door closed behind us and I didn't try to force anything, but I couldn't pretend the whole ride was not painful.

Her mouth crashed on mine after she dropped her bags and I finally let mine fall too as she deepened the kiss. I could feel her smile against my lips and chuckled, bringing both my hands to her back and slipped them under her shirt.

"Watching the nudes you send while I jerk off every fooking night isn't enough." I admitted, trailing kisses quickly down her neck. "I want to bring you with me for the rest of the tour, I miss your body too much."

She giggled like a school girl and it made me smile more. "You want me to follow you everywhere so you can use me whenever you need a good fuck?"

"Yes, petal." I admitted in a whisper after letting out a groan. "How much would you like to be my little cum dump? How much do you want me to just grab your hair and fuck your fanny until I cum every fucking time I need it?"

"Mm, someone is in serious need of a good fuck." she pointed out, running her hand on my cock, over my pants. "You're being very nasty."

"You love it, don't even pretend otherwise."

She chuckled against my mouth and quickly worked on my pants. I unbuttoned hers and slipped my hand in her panties, making her head fall back slightly and her eyes flutter.

"You like that, princess?" I asked, brushing my lips on her jaw and neck. "I really need to fuck you hard and fast. You're so wet I'm sure you can cum fast, yeah?"

"Too horny for love making tonight, I see." she whispered with a smile, making me groan again.

"If you want me to make love to you petal, I will." I groaned low. "That shows how much I love you because I'm so fucking horny I don't really want to go slow."

She pulled away slightly and her eyes met mine. She tilted her head and stared at me for a few seconds before licking her lips.

"Fuck me hard and fast, then." she proposed. "We got all night anyway, yea?"

"Pet, if you allow me to fuck you 10 times tonight I fucking will."

She started laughing and I shut her up by pressing my lips against hers and immediately deepening the kiss. I loved the taste of her tongue and when she grabbed mine to suck on it, I slipped a finger inside her and started rubbing my thumb slowly on her clit. She moaned in my mouth and I felt her body tense, making me smile more.

"Apparently, I'm not the only one who needs a proper fuck."

It took us less than a minute to get naked and when I sat on the bed, she quickly straddled me and sat on my cock. I wrapped my arms around her as she let out a low whimper, closing her eyes. I grabbed her hair from behind and pulled on it, making her moan again as I brought my hand between us right after licking my thumb. I pressed it on her clit and she squirmed a bit, making me hold her hair tighter.

"It feels so fucking good to be balls deep inside you, pet."

I ran my tongue on one of her breasts and felt her nipple harden against it. I loved the way her body reacted to every single one of my touches. She squirmed a bit and I groaned as I felt her throb around my cock before grabbed her other breasts hard.

"Missed your tits so much." I slapped it gently and she squirmed again. "You're so fucking horny baby you're dripping on me."

"Please Niall." she let out in a mix of a whisper and a whimper. "Let me ride you."

I stared at how fucked she looked and finally let go of her hair. Her lips pressed against mine half a second later and she started moving over me slowly at first and then harder and faster. I didn't know how long I was going to last and I breathed through my teeth before she bit my bottom lip.

"You always do that when you're really horny don't you?" I asked with a smirk, pulling my upper body back to look at her.

She sent me puppy eyes, her chin moving down as she stared at me through her eyelashes. It made me want to own her even more and be rough with her.

"I do that because I really really want you."

I let my hand run on her back and when I reached her ass, I spanked her hard enough to make her tense. Her movements faltered and she moaned low, cupping my face and kissing me deeply again.

"I'm really really close, Nee." she murmured against my mouth. "I'm about to cum all over your cock."

I already knew that. I could feel her clench hard around my dick and I pulled away slightly again to look in her eyes. There was nothing I loved more than watching her squirm over me as she came.

"Do it. Show me how good of a little slut you are." I pressed my thumb on her clit and she started moving over me again, bouncing on my cock as I rubbed her clit hard.

It took her half a minute to start shaking and I felt her nails dig in one of my shoulders. The sight of her coming undone made me reach my orgasm too and I gripped her waist harder, my fingers sinking in her skin as I spilled inside her. We both were panting messes as we came down from our highs and she leaned her forehead on my shoulder, letting out a few satisfied whimpers.

"You're mine, yeah?"

"What part of me do you want?" she asked low, running her mouth on my neck and making me smile.

"Your heart, petal." I whispered, turning my head her way, searching for her lips. "You know it,"

"Mm, you're so full of shit." she whispered with a chuckle.

I grabbed her waist and threw her on the bed as she let out a high pitched scream and I quickly moved on top of her, holding myself with my arms on each side of her head.

"I ain't lying." I pointed out, raising my eyebrows as I looked at her.

"I thought you wanted my ass." she let out, half-joking with a smile.

I stared at her for a few seconds, my smile falling slowly and breathed in before sighing.

"I already have that." I explained. "I'm just hoping you can give me your heart at some point, too."

I felt her hand reach for my face and her fingers slipped in my hair. I didn't know how long we stared at each other but after a while, her lips parted.

"My heart has been yours since I was 6 years old, Niall James Horan."

For some reason, her words made a shiver cross my back and I quivered slightly over her. I glanced at her lips and slowly, I moved down and kissed her. I didn't know what I could answer to that so I just remained silent. She moved her knees up, trapping my body between them, and I knew we both felt safe in our happy bubble. It was my favorite place : with her.

"You think everyone knows we left to go fuck?" she asked, making me chuckle.

"I mean, they think we're just friends right?"

Olivia grimaced and I laughed more at how cute it was to see her button nose move up childishly.

"No one ever really thought we were friends, I mean, even your parents made a bet."

It was my turn to grimace. "Please, don't remind me."

"I'm glad I messaged Julia. I was a bit jealous of her before I started talking to her. I mean she spends all her time with you and I know you two are close."

I raised my eyebrows in surprise. I didn't think she could feel threatened by Julia.

"Says the girl who literally gets rides from her ex fiance after acting as his girlfriend all day!"

"Touché." she laughed. "But there's really nothing between Dylan and I anymore."

My eyes roamed on her face and I sighed. "I love you, Liv, but we both know that's not true." i just said, making her frown slightly. "Of course you still have feelings for him. I wouldn't expect you to just forget about it after a few weeks. And he probably loves you too. And I would lie if I said it doesn't stress me from time to time, especially late at night when I'm waiting for your call."

I thought about the song I had started writing which was once again, about her. It was once again about how much I loved her, but it was also about how painful it was not to know what we were and how she felt. It was about how easily she could hurt me and that if it was the only thing she was able to give me, that I wanted it anyway. It was about how I was all hers and that I was not sure she really was mine. I didn't want to sing it to her, because I didn't want her to feel guilty about the feelings inside me, but I had to write about it, if only to evacuate the pain from my body and mind. She didn't even know how hurt I was sometimes, it didn't even cross her mind, I knew it.

She sent me a fond smile and my heart melted again. I could have moved to lie down next to her but I didn't want to. I wanted our bodies pressed together. They had been away from each other for so long and it was insane how much my skin missed her skin.

"Nothing to worry about. I always think about you."

I smiled. "Nothing to worry about when it comes to Julia either. Or any other woman. Or men. Anyone. My mind, heart and soul are with you 24/7."

"And your body?" she asked with an amused smile.

"Right now it's with you, too. So you've got all of me."

We remained silent for a while, just looking at each other. I focused on the way her body felt beneath mine, and on how well it fitted with mine, like two pieces of a puzzle, and even if I knew it was cheesy, I knew we formed a complete puzzle, me and her. The more time I spent with her, the more I had hope that we would be together again. Officially and forever.

"What are we gonna do tomorrow?" she asked in a low voice.

"Go back to Mullingar and fuck. Pretend we're not famous. Meet with old friends. Go to a pub and fuck. Go see my mom. Fuck. Get a hotel room and fuck again."

She laughed, moving her chin up and closing her eyes, and it made me smile.

"Alright, but just to make sure, are we gonna fuck?" she asked jokingly, making me smirk.

"Yes."

She laughed again and I shut her up by pressing my lips against hers. I didn't want to think about being away from her again. I didn't want this distance thing to become something normal between us. There was no way I could ever get used to being far away from her for weeks. I also knew it was meant to happen again and it made something stir in my stomach but I tried to push the thought away.

"Good plan?" I asked, my lips brushing against hers as I talked before she nodded. "Perfect, Now let's fuck again."