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wavbleu · 4 years ago

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Rodrick heffley: Keep quiet

tw: possession and degrading

~~~~~~~~~

"I cant believe she would do that to you!" you say with a short giggle, you look at Rodricks adorable face and my smile grew bigger knowing that the only time hes genuinely happy and laughing is around you. "I was so totally shocked when she bit me, my dick hurt for like the following week." He stroked his fingers through his semi-short hair and continued on his painful story on how he lost his virginity.

You and Rodrick have been talking for 2 and a half months now, you and him have an extreme connection despite the fact that you are totally opposite. You like to wear softer colored clothes and get good grades in school, and Rodrick well... doesn't. He doesn't give a shit what people think or say about him and just goes the way he wants to, Thats what you've always adored him, you were jealous of that.

Sometimes you question how your friends with a guy as corrupted as him.

But when ever you converse the words just spill out of you, it actually feels like hes engaged and actually willing to hear more and learn about you. You've never experienced anything like that before. Speaking that most of your exes just used you for sex.

Whenever your around Rodrick, you feel like yourself. What ever you are scared to be in front of everyone else you show it to him and he strangely accepts it. Obviously, you would even consider him your best friend or 'pal' But lately ... the way he touches you isnt very 'pal-like' . Although it may seem like something small, he would massage your knee and work his way down your smooth thigh, stopping right before he reaches your inner thigh; slowly massaging that area and leaves you wanting more of him.

It could be when your hugging and he lowers his hands from your waist to your hips.. Stuff like that may not seem large but it speaks louder and clear that theres sexual tension in the air.

Rodrick finished up his tragic v card story and you both giggled, Rodrick then abruptly stopped laughing and his once loud laugh turned into a snarky smile. "What's with the smirk." you say smiling nervously not knowing what he will do.

"Are you a virgin?" He says, "Nah." You respond back to him. "Ive only had sex with 2 people though."

Yea you weren't a virgin (at all) but man when you had sex it was just beyond awful, terrible. Butterflies grew in your stomach as you watched him bite his cheek in amazement.

"Wow, Little miss Y/N getting freaky in the sheets." he teased, you droopily looked down at your swinging feet hanging off your bed and sighed before admitting, "Well it wasn't exactly good.. if fact it was absolutely dreadful." , "Well i wanna hear this to see if its just as bad as mines."

You adjusted yourself to lean against the white headboard, looking at Rodrick who was seated at the end of the bed. You wrapped your arms around your pillow and started reminiscing on how you lost your virginity at the ripe old age of 17.

"Well it was a party that was at some random guys house.. gee I dont even remember his name... I think it was like tony or something like that.","We were in this small group with other people in our grade, we were bored so we decided to play 7 minutes in heaven.." , "and it was my turn to spin the bottle, sadly."...

flashback

~~~~~

(skip if you dont like the extra length.)

You anxiously spun the bottle, hoping that it would stop on your crush, Luke Hannington. The bottle spun and everyone watched in awe.

You felt your heart drop to your stomach as the bottle started to decelerate and fixate on a person.. tense but hopeful , you look up at the person the bottle focused on.

Luke.

You tried to hold back your sheer excitement and joyfulness, but it quickly came to a halt after seeing your crushes nonchalant, monotone, bored face. 'He was probably hoping for someone hotter' you think yourself pathetically.

Everyone sneakily snickered and whispered in each others ears after seeing his disappointed face and disgusted eyes.

You felt like bursting into tears after feeling the way you did. You felt hideous.

"So ill set the timer, the closet is on your left sweetie." The host said, obviously trying to hold back her sneaky remarks until you get in the closet.

He quickly gets up and speed walks to the closet, you followed, fondling your fingers and biting the skin off your lip.

You got to the closet, atleast he was sweet enough to hold the door open for you.

You sat down on the carpeted floor, hassling all the jackets and coats off of you. Luke frantically searched for the light so we can actually see in this closet and took a seat after.

He closed the door and minutes later you heard it lock from the otherside, "Begin, lovebirds!"

The only thing that began was the pure awkwardness and his uncomfortable glances. "So um.." You tried to start a convo but failed at it miserably, nothing you were doing was working, he would always give this stupid uncomfy look or mess with his collar. You were milliseconds away from kicking the door down and leaving this stupid party.

"Im sorry." he said noticing your frustration, "I dont think your ugly or anything.", "Ive had sex before, but not with strangers."

Stranger. Neat.

Tension arosed in the closet after he asked out of no where, "Have you ever been fingered before?" ,"I think im a pro if i say so myself."

You nodded your head no, "Im a virgin..","Ive always wanted to though.." You tried to say seductively hoping to make him hard. "Open your legs." He sternly demanded, you obeyed and did just that.

He pulled off your cotton panties and felt you up and down, then awkwardly slid a finger in. You gasp surprised, hoping he would've given more foreplay. "Um.." You moan as he fingered you in an accelerating pace , rubbing your left lip thinking it was your clit.

You felt second hand embarrassment for him, Luke Hannington doesn't know where the clitoris is?

You were drying out and getting turned off by his loud grunts and heavy breathing, actually thinking he was doing something. "Somebody lied to this man.." You said in your head. "No way do i actually have to fake an orgasm for this psychopath to stop."

You prepped yourself and tried replicate the girls off of pornhub, "Oh yes!" you moaned as you shook your legs frantically, a smile grew upon his face as he went faster. "Im gonna-" You dramatically puff your chest up faking an intense orgasm.

He stopped and swiped the sweat off of his forehead, "Good right?" , "Great, i bet you i wont even be able walk straight!" You moan, you cheesily snapped your fingers and giving him finger guns to throw him off your awful acting. The timers alarm rung, "Finally." You thought to yourself.

You stood up and walked out of the closet just fine.

You got back to the group who were snickering and giggling like a bunch of pre-schoolers.

~~~~

end of flashback

"Bad but not as bad as mines." He chuckled competitively, "Whatever." You threw a pillow at him. "Ive been cursed with the spell "awful sex." ever since that night." You dramatically say, "Is that so?" , "No guy has been capable of making you cum.. making you scream?" His voice lowered, looking into your eyes with a hot confused look.

"Yea pretty much." You sneakily adjust your skirt so he can see your soft thighs and a sliver of your panties. The room went silent as he looked you up and down, examining your body and its crevices , he licked his lips struggling to control the urge to squish and carress your thighs. He quickly looked down hoping you didnt notice how long he was staring at your body, so hungrily.

"Hey um.. y/n" He said scooting closer to you.

Your breath became heavy and palms began to sweat as you watched him scoot in closer.

"Have you been feeling it too?" his soft deep voice lowering into a erotic whispering tone. "F-feeling what?" You stumble trying to think straight, his eyes were fixated on your lips, he wanted them badly.

"You know.." "The tension?" He slowly rubs your thigh with his huge hands, maneuvering them up your skirt but stopping right before he hit, you know what. You hated that. You nod slowly to his question.

"You told me you never came before?" He questioned, "No.. never." You responded back. He put a stray hair behind your ear, then smoothly rubbed his thumb over your bottom lip.

"Can i be your first?"

You nod needily.

Biting your lip before going in for a deep passionate kiss. He wrapped his hand around your waist , scooting you up onto his lap. His hands adventured up your skirt again , grabbing your ass and slapping it. You gasp at the loud sound it made.

"My parents are home Rodrick!" You whisper yelled pulling away from the kiss.

Rodrick continued kissing your neck and ear, gripping your firm ass cheek, not giving a fuck about what anyone says. Like usual.

"Baby i truly don't give a shit, just keep it down." He sternly said.

"Mmm ok.." You moan and roll your head back as he made out with that sweet spot on your neck.

He roughly pinned you down and kissed you more this time exchanging tongue. He pulled away from the compelling kiss leaving a small train of spit

He pulled your panties off smoothly and stared at the sight to see. "Have you ever been fingered before?" He jokingly teased giving a little lightheart to this hot and spicy situation.

He trailed his hands up and down your wet pussy, looking for that spot.

When he finally got his hands on it you let out a small gaspy squeal, "Its right here?" You nod, breath getting faster.

"Yes daddy right there please~" You cry out, "Daddy?" He smirks, He slowly rubs his fingers around your clit. "Im your daddy now?" Rodrick bites his lip, "Then i guess your my little slut then."

"Are you my little slut?" He asks you, he picks up his pace sending a small tingle down your spine, he giggled mischievously knowing that its gonna be hard for you to respond. You try to catch your breath but moans and shrieks keep cutting your words off.

"Are you my little.. slut?" He slipped in two fingers and fucked your tight hole and worked your g-spot, so much to a point where you had to grasp one of your plushies to keep from screaming. "Alright I guess ill have to make you say yes."

Your eyes roll back as you felt his mouth attach to your clit, swirling his tongue all around your sensitive clit. For the first time you actually wanted to cum..

"I think im gonna-" You bite into a pillow to cover the loud noise you were gonna let out.

Right before you were about to have an intense orgasm, he stopped. Edging you and all your senses. You whined like a little bitch.

"Shut the fuck up." He said unbuckling his pants, "Your gonna take this dick and your gonna like it, alright? alright." He said stroking his rock hard twitching dick before aggressively sliding in.

"My parents- ah-" , " I swear if you mention your parents one more time im gonna throat fuck you." He said in a pissed off tone.

He threw your legs over his shoulders and slid a pillow under you. Rodrick continued to fuck up into you, hitting that one spot again, and again, and again; and just to torture you, he rubbed your clit you were experiencing bliss, euphoria.

Rodrick swiftly took your legs off his shoulder and spread them wide open so he could get a deeper fuck, "stupid slut your legs are trembling." , "You really like me fucking you hard, hitting that spot just perfectly even when your parents are just sitting in their room ; feet away? " ,"Now when i ask this again, i want a response."

"are you my little slut?" He whispered into your ears, you moaned loudly and threw your head back, "Yes!", "Yes daddy, im your slut." ," I want your parents to fucking hear." He looked you deep in the eyes waiting for your response.

"Yes daddy im your slut.." You moaned loudly.

He grasped on your waist and pounded deep into you, the claps of your skin, the loud moans, at that point you forgot you even HAD parents.

He kept fucking into your tight cunt relentlessly, hitting every single spot perfectly. Humanly impossible.

"Cum whore i know you wanna." Rodrick says, you open your mouth but no moans come out.. that was it . You were actually gonna cum... Your legs began to shake and tumble , it felt like a large sneeze but in your stomach. "Im gonna-" You could barely get out.

You released yourself onto his cock, "Fucking hell." He said as he couldn't bare to last any longer. He pulled out of you and came onto your tired cunt.

"Damn baby." He groaned putting his softening dick away. "was it good?" He hopefully said, "It was amazing." You responded back excitedly.

That stupid curse is gone, yay!

Everything was good until you heard loud footsteps seconds away from your door.

~~~~~~~

Authors note:

This is a pretty long story but i actually enjoyed writing these ones, rodrick was my first story on this book (and my most popular) so you know i had to do the mf again🙄 pegging and femboy kink coming soon⚠️

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funeralfire · 4 years ago

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James you said you had the cops called on you while partying with the Amish, are you willing share more on that? Because I'm very intrigued lol

😂😂😂 omg yeah! Sera, this is like one of my favorite trigger happy redneck stories from my youth lol. I may have been dramatically vague in the tags but i hope the real story is as funny as i think it is! Also I'm probably telling some identifiable details through all of this so uhh yikes for my anonymity 😬

Also sidenote: I'm pro-gun control for the most part (its a nuanced conversation) I just have a background in weapons stuff so i may talk casually about firearms but i do not condone american gun laws. Yeah. also i was like 10 in this story i cant control what was happening lol

So flashback, im like 9 or 10 and my father is a fully legal firearms dealer with some of the higher clearances available, meaning he can sell silencers and higher powered weapons. So sometimes guys would seek him out to buy something specific. Now this time is was a .50 caliber long range rifle- probably semi-automatic? probably a sniper style rifle? In layman's terms, this motherfucker is the largest gun you can sell to civilians and there is literally no reason for anybody to possess it. It explodes people, it doesnt just shoot them. I thiiiink this specific gun was like armour piercing/anti-tank shit. Literally no one needs this. And no one would be using it either. After today 😈

The guy buying it was just going to display it on his wall, but you always have to shoot em' first before you buy em' right? Yeah sure, it was just a bunch of middle aged men excited to blow shit up, dont be fooled. But where on earth do you test shoot a massive fucking gun which is totally legal but very hard to explain??? THE AMISH FIELDS! So, because this is bumfuck nowhere, my dad calls up one of his amish buddies (they act very serious and morally righteous, but do not be fooled. theyre a fucking hilarious group of people) and asks if we can use his field- not growing szn mind you- to shoot this thing. He says yes, but we have to set up the targets and i think there was some bartering involved as well? But we get to this field, set up sandbags and targets maybe a mile down the way? And make sure theres nothing valuable behind the targets, too. We dont fully comprehend how massive this fucker is, you only know so much from reading specs ya know? So we get set up, gotta lay on the ground to shoot this thing. It takes a lot of prep. The gun is like the full length of my body and the bullets are as large as my hand. Its my parents, the buyer, like 2 friends, and a few amish fellas. We're as safe as can be with hearing protection and goggles. You really dont want to fuck up or misfire something which can destroy an armoured vehicle, ya know? (Having a handgun misfire on you is scary enough 🙄) So we take our time setting up and hooo boy the suspense is big!

And so. My father lays down, aims at the target a mile away. Just a blip to the naked eye. and pulls the trigger. BAM! The ricochet of pure NOISE around the mountains goes on across probably the whole valley. The bullet when through the targets and sand bags and went several meters further before exploding into a cloud of dust along the dirt covered road.

So like obviously this is a hill-billy's wet dream. Biiiiig gun. Biiiig noisy explosion. Boom! So we all had our turn shooting the thing, and oh boy was it a fucking blast ;) ! Honestly its just pure unadulterated power and may i reiterate literally pointless for anyone to own. But fuck was it fun. So anyways. A couple of redneck fuckers shooting a perfect legal firearm on private property with consent from the landowners. How did we get the cops called on us?

Noise complaint.

A fucking noise complaint!!! We are in the middle of a field in amish territory, its miles until the next residential area. But the noise this fucker made was so incredibly intense, and echoed throughout the entire valley, someome called the cops because they believed someone was setting off bombs/illegal explosives. That fucking loud.

So the cops never actually found us. Well, technically, after we packed up, put all the demolished targets back, carefully placed the gun back into our truck to finish off the paperwork with the buyer back in civilization, and tried to make it look like we weren't just shooting one of the largest weapons available for civilian purchase because yes it's legal but is that really the conversation you want to have with a cop? We got pulled over. By a cop. Asking if we had "heard any explosions?" our answer? No officer, we haven't. Good luck finding them!

Yeah. We told the cops we didn't hear the explosions we were making ourselves. Thats the long and short of it! Big gun on amish land, noise complaint called in, and telling the cops we didnt hear or see anything with a .50 caliber long rifle hidden under a blanket in the back seat.

Redneck stories like these are fun, but I do want to be clear the fact im able to tell a story such as this is 110% because of white privilege. So anybody reading this, specifically other white folk, do your part in protecting black americans (or, whatever country you're in) and fight for equal treatment and reform. Donate, speak to your representatives, protest, assist your community. Black lives matter. We're not free until all of us are.

#long post #weapons tw #guns tw #weapons talk #hehehehe gun >:)#appalachia for ya!!!

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atzfiles · 6 years ago

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getting to know jeong yunho

hi! i will be looking into yunhos natal chart and share some of the information i have gotten out of it! thanks to yunho, we know the exact time he was born! i am not entirely sure if the place of birth is that exact though. so as always, this is not 100% accurate and i am not saying i know everything about astrology. this is a hobby of mine which i taught myself.

Sun Aries

aries is the first sign of the zodiac which shows in their characters

they’re always first to start and always first to finish

aries people are natural athletes which, in my opinion, fits to yunho quite nicely

they cannot sit still for longer periods of time

their natural instinct is to use their bodies to get things done

they live a “simple” live, dont like long/drawn out moments and they also dont like planning ahead

aries sun are known for being direct, straightforward and uncomplicated

they also tend to live in the moment

whatever happens right now is most important to an aries

this trait can make them very impatient but also highly innovative

aries suns are also very brave

they dont like the long way to a goal, they need to take the quickest route

they also have some childlike qualities which makes them real charmers

yunho has a strong personality, entrepreneurial spirit, ambitious, self-willed and stubborn

possible downsides of an aries sun: very nervous, impulsive, wasteful, provoking and restless

Sun in V

yunho wants to be recognized for what he is doing

he has a lot of unique and special qualities and he wants people to pay attention to those

he has a flair for drama and sports (now we all know what sorta high school student he was lmao)

yunho is proud of the fact that he has such a positive outlook on life

expressing himself brings him happiness

he needs to be careful because sometimes those things can make him look like an attention seeker to others

188 Conjunction Sun in Mercury

he owns a lot of mental energy because his ego and mind are on the same level

yunho is very intelligent and he takes pride in that

he also loves to communicate with other people

he talks and expects others to listen but he himself can have a hard time listening to others, that doesnt mean he dominates every conversation

and here you can see yet again that he has great joy in expressing himself

he studies best when reading over the material rather than listening (to a teacher for example)

this also comes from the strong need to communicate

yunho cant listen and absorb information well, he has to act on it

he has his own opinions and those are set

very independent thinker

if not listened to, he can get quite butthurt

he also cant handle criticism too well when it comes to his own opinions

he has a very witty, bashful and playful sense of humor

272 Conjunction Sun in Jupiter

extremely generous, helpful, good-hearted, well-informed, friendly and possesses strong morals

seems like luck is always on his side

he attracts good and positive things like a magnet

yunho is not very competitive which, as a result, is the reason why a lot of people like him

he also loves to travel because he is interested in foreign places and people

he has a lot of faith in life and people

he does believe in orders and rules and generally dislikes people that tend to break the rules or even go against the law

very impatient with the wrong people around

he can be trusted very well, is sincere and is good at keeping promises

as mentioned before, very optimistic

laughs very easily

240 Sextile Sun in Neptune

very sensitive and dreamy

strong appreciation for music

he is naturally very compassionate

very open minded; realizes that there is more to the world than whats in front of his eyes

yunho is attracted to spiritual subjects which works in favor for musicians and artists

he can be taken advantage of because he feels strongly for those who are suffering

very humanitarian; adores animals

very imaginative, inspired and emotional

Moon in Gemini

people who have their moon in gemini tend to be very witty and charming

but they can also become very moody and irritable, especially at home or with family

very curious

a certain nervousness and worry are also known for lunar gemini

he needs way more stimulation than other people

there is a lot going on inside of him

here we can also see his urge to express himself again

lunar gemini think and talk a lot

they like their homes but tend to hate housework

yunho can get a bit messy

he does like improving his home though

re-organizing is something he seems to enjoy

very easily bored

is in touch with his own emotions but he can struggle with handling others complicated emotions

inside the family he is the one getting everyone together for a meeting

doesnt like repetitive routines

yunho likes having to do a lot of stuff

very sociable, friendly and talkactive

comfortable around a lot of people and can speak well in front of crowds

very open to new ideas

wants to talk about problems as soon as possible

sharp intellect

-57 Square Moon in Mercury

his head and heart get in the way of each other

he can be too emotional or too logical

can be very jealous and possessive

can sometimes feel the need to change partners quickly because he gets bored

imaginative sense of humor

can be hypersensitive because of mood swings

because of the what he talks, yunho tends to misrepresent himself

very happy when he can escape in his own little world

cant find his ideal world on the outside so he creates his own, imaginative world

loves drama but reacts negatively when he is the one getting criticism

Mercury in Pisces

soaks up feelings and moods from the people around him

which can affect his own mood quite drastically

very tactful, tries not to offend people

15 Trine Mercury in Lilith

can get quite provocative in communications

sees flaws very quickly

Venus in Taurus

likes sensual surroundings

looks like he would be a satisfying lover/partner

needs to be able to depend on his partner

can become very possessive of his partner

he needs “hands on” expressions of love

loyal

cant get pushed into a relationship

likes comfortable things

he needs a lot of time

his partner would need a lot of patience

“love arrives slowly, but with force”

Venus in VI

he wants to help sick and poor people all the time

wants a job in a medical or social setting

likes being of service to his partner

goes to extreme lengths so always be available for his partner

he isnt ‘showy’ with his love/bad at expressing it but much rather shows it by his availability, doing practical things for his partner or other thoughtful things

pays attention to small details

he is scared that, if the relationship he is currently in ends, he might not be able to find better

-224 Opposition Venus in Mars

from affairs over to full blown relationships; love is what gets this boy out of bed

this can get challenging in youth

he can have a hard time finding a relationship that meets his expectations

very creative

passion for romance is often channeled in his creative output

prone to have love-hate relationships (the fanfics have been right all along)

can get angry quickly but that anger disappears just as fast as it came

likes truth and justice

he never plays false, his sentiments are deep and sincere

might be into someone older because he appreciates peoples intelligence

-95 Square Venus in Neptune

his ideals are not always easy to achieve

easy going

yunho is in love with being in love

very romantic

can be a little too romantic; his romantic dreams might get shattered by the reality of relationships

sees what he wants to see rather than what really is

clings to romantic delusion which can be very dangerous and unhealthy

tends to devote his all to someone who is unreachable

he is also prone to loving someone who treats him badly all while he is clinging to an idealized image of his partner

he thinks that loving someone requires self-sacrifice

:((

Mars in Scorpio

likes to challenge himself to do the impossible

keeps his cool on the surface very well

does not let people in easily

scorpio in mars is known for having the strongest sexual stamina

even though he tends to dislike people who break the rules, he often fantasizes about breaking taboos

he like the scenario of their partner giving into them, wants his partner completely and will do absolutely anything for them

im sweating

his sexual appeal is strong enough to get what he wants

very jealous, doesnt want to share

doesnt find pleasure in compromises: needs to hear either yes or no

constantly tests himself and others

thinks that life isnt fair

Mars in XII

puts all of his energy into his working life

likes to research

jobs like a doctor, teacher, police officer would fit him well

he should try to give things a real shot instead of feeling defeated instantly

he can handle a lot of things by himself in his own unique ways

works more for others than himself

ignores his own needs and desires for others which secretly makes him very angry

takes time for him to warm up to a new sexual partner

likes to solve problems

likes to overcome obstacles

he sometimes can seem cold when he is in his work-mindset

-117 Square Mars in Uranus

tends to be eccentric and too headstrong, impatient

Jupiter in Aries

attracts good things in life

he is initiating, inspiring, enthusiastic and brave

likes doing things on his own

likes games

gets distracted easily

lucky in love and his profession

adores children

generous

yunho likes helping people in difficulty

Saturn in Taurus

dislikes greedy people

needs to learn that he is also deserving of good things in life

likes precision

a true worker

possesses all the necessary qualities to be successful in the medical field

Uranus in Aquarius

gets overly excited when starting a task but quickly loses interest

this can give others a banal impression of him

doesnt like routines

-10 Square Uranus Lilith

he can have difficulty finding a peaceful love life because he is the type to fall in love at first sight

seeks adventures which can be harmful to his relationship

Neptune in Aquarius

generosity

solves other peoples problems just to see them happy

cold facts are hard for him to absorb#

he can get quite nostalgic

Pluto in Sagittarius

love and sexuality are idealized

Ascendent in Scorpio

he has a lot of presence

their manners command respect and he lets people know he shouldnt get pushed around

very powerful and determined

he can look right through people which can make him very intimidating

he often gets confused when he earns such strong reactions from people though

yunho likes to read between the lines

values his privacy a lot, so much that it can even cause paranoia

he feels the strong urge to always be in control of his environment

he plans out every move very carefully and lets no one look into his plans

he is drawn to down to earth and natural partners on which he can rely on

he needs full commitment because flighty partners make his patience run thin

House II in Capricorn

he sees spending and making money as an adventure which can cause financial risks for him

nothing is left to a chance

likes to calculate his plans and dissects them slowly

House IV in Aquarius

he may leave the family home very early on

wants a life that is out of the ordinary

doesnt like traditions

House VIII in Gemini

this placement is known for making artistic people generally very successful

House X in Leo

great leadership qualities

the way he is seen by society grows more important to him as he gets older

wants surround himself with equally artistic/influentiual people

if you really read this far...god bless u lmao

i tried keeping this as short as possible, leaving out some constantly repetitive traits and placements and trying to combine his placements rather than to dive into each one individually. please dont forget that i am doing this purely out of fun and interest. My ask box/messages are always open if you want to talk or have questions! please also let me know which member you want me to analyze next :)

#ateez astrology #ateez #ateez imagines #ateez scenarios #ateez headcanons #yunho #jongho #seonghwa #yeosang #wooyoung #mingi #san #hongjoong

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bigskydreaming · 6 years ago

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Everybody believes and supports survivors until the second a survivor accuses someone they’re close to. Without fail. Every single goddamn time.

That last reblog...fuck. I’m so mad for that OP I’m shaking. There’s nothing new about their post and that’s what hurts the most. That convo they posted was the same song and dance every single survivor who knows one of their abusers or rapists knows by heart and has heard so many times before they can say the words along with the person they try and confide in.

Doesn’t matter how loud someone is in saying all the right things about believing and supporting survivors, how vehement they are about hating rapists and abusers, how much they present themselves as someone SAFE to be around. The second you accuse someone THEY’VE always felt safe and comfortable around, they will always, always, ALWAYS find a way to tell you you’re wrong and don’t know what you’re talking about, you misremembered or read too much into things or got confused or mistook them for someone else or it wasn’t REALLY rape or abuse or a million fucking things that aren’t actually I SUPPORT YOU. I BELIEVE YOU. THE WAY I’VE CLAIMED TO ALL THIS TIME, MAKING YOU THINK YOU COULD ACTUALLY TELL ME THIS.

And then non-survivors all wonder why so few of us disclose, why so few of us come to you, confide in you, do the exact fucking thing we know will always end the exact fucking way BECAUSE THATS THE WAY IT ALWAYS FUCKING GOES, NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU SWEAR ‘I’M NOT LIKE THAT.’

And people wonder why I’m so goddamn VITRIOLIC about abuse and rape apologism in fandoms, and so goddamn adamant about not encouraging people to forgive and move on, and so fucking insistent on holding ppl accountable, whether fictional characters or celebrities or random fucking posters, for shit they’ve done even years before, not giving them the benefit of the doubt that they’ve changed and grown and learn from their lesson, like why am I so sure they’re still like that, ‘you don’t know’.

Except yeah. I do. Because its all so fucking predictable. The sheer number of times I’ve heard variations of that same exact combo since the first time I tried to confide in someone growing up about the shit my mom did to me....I honestly can not count. I can name less than five people I’ve confided in over the twenty five years or so since then who ACTUALLY made me feel safe in doing so, who just sat there and shut up and didn’t try to do or say anything other than “I’m sorry you had to live that, I’m sorry that happened to you.” But I couldn’t even BEGIN to tell you the number of times I’ve tried to open up with people about the shit that hurt me, that terrified me, that traumatized me, only to have them turn around and with ‘good intentions’ awkwardly try and mitigate it and dilute it and water it down or reframe it or give her the benefit of the doubt AS THOUGH ITS THEIR PLACE TO DO SO because she’s my mom and you all just can’t fucking HANDLE living in a world where moms do that shit to their kids. But you still expect ME to, without any of that much vaunted ‘belief and support’ you’re always going on and on and ON about, while you keep living in fantasy land where actually, what actually happened was she was just trying her best and it wasn’t her fault and it was all just bad dreams and remembering shit wrong because who really remembers stuff from when they were kids anyway? LOLOLOL. Fun fact. Once you know what a wire hanger feels like after its been heated on a stove, THATS NOT SOMETHING YOU EVER FUCKING FORGET.

And its exhausting. So. FUCKING. Exhausting.

Like the true, honest to god reason I don’t have any fucking chill when it comes to judging people for characters they stan for or the arguments they make in defense of abusive characters or how people will go to fucking hell and back to defend their right to enjoy their precious noncon rape fantasy smut in peace?

I’ll be totally fucking honest with you, on some fucked up level that I acknowledge is unfair but I just honestly don’t give a fuck - its a test. I admit it. It is. Because at this point in my life, this far into it, this many times listening to the same shit play out any and every single time it comes up, I fundamentally do not trust, do not feel safe, or secure, or capable of fully relaxing, around anyone unless and until I’ve seen them willing to sacrifice something. Give up something or someone, a character or celeb or friend or relative who they formerly were close to or took comfort in or spoke highly of, because that character or celeb or whomever did something that was a dealbreaker, hurt someone or said or did something that made them go you know what, enough, that’s too far, no amount of joy or comfort or security I formerly felt because of this character or person can justify this thing they did, I can see that and this is me actually DOING something with that acknowledgment.

It doesn’t have to be for my benefit, doesn’t have to be for a reason I personally agree with, whatever, it just needs to be SOMETHING. Something visible, something real. Not just hating certain characters or celebs or people, but ones who once meant something to you, something that says.....I used to think this person or this character or this celeb was good and I could like them or even love them and be comfortable and safe around them.....but then someone told me otherwise and I BELIEVED THEM. I SUPPORTED THEM. I. PICKED. THEM.

Because without that, it just is what it is. I don’t care if its not rational, or fair, I just don’t. Twenty five years of the same broken record, I’m tired. I’ve heard “I believe, I support” to the accompanying tune of actions that say the exact opposite so many fucking times it does honestly take a shock to the system, the goddamn JOLT of actually SEEING the proof that at least once, you DID believe someone, you DID do something with that belief, for me to actually think oh fuck, they actually mean it this time instead of oh look, a person who gets off to rape fic is reblogging a ‘look how much I support survivors, Im such a good person’ ego-stroke again.

You can say all you want oh its just fiction, it doesn’t mean anything that I stan this abusive character or this celeb I don’t know, if a person in my REAL LIFE came to me and said this other person I know hurt them, I’d believe THEM, that’d be totally different....but its NOT. Its not remotely and I dont know how so many ppl actually buy this shit coming out of their own mouths cuz if it doesnt really matter cuz its a fictional character or a celeb you dont even know and you STILL cant bear to give up whatever enjoyment you get out of them once its pointed out hey that person or character you enjoy is a fucking rapist....then how the FUCK do you delude yourself you’d be able to give up a person you’ve spent any length of time trusting and being comfortable around in your real, personal life, if someone else disclosed to you that they fucking abused or raped them??? YOU WOULDN’T. AND I KNOW YOU WOULDN’T, BECAUSE EVERY SINGLE THING YOU GUYS SAY IN DEFENSE OF THESE CELEBS OR THESE PEOPLE ARE THE EXACT WORDS I’VE HEARD SAID OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

So many of you act like you think there’s this magical fucking SIGN you expect to get from on high, if shit like this ever happened in real life, that would magically distinguish it as an OH SHIT THIS TIME ITS FOR REAL moment, like okay NOW its make it or break it time, NOW it matters. And survivors keep telling you over and over again it ALWAYS matters. EVERY TIME you say this shit it ALWAYS matters, because what you’re always saying is what EVERYONE says.....”if I try hard enough, I can find SOME WAY to excuse this shit, so I don’t have to lose anything here, so I can keep going through life exactly as I have been.”

Somehow, some way, it always plays out the same....the SECOND we do or say something that puts someone on the spot, makes them CHOOSE, who will I believe, who will I support.....they always, always, ALWAYS find a way to support the other person, to make you the easy one to discard and toss away, like you’re the problem, you’re the enemy for making them choose in the first place.

Ugh. Fuck it. Whatever. I’m tired and gotta get back to work anyway. Not to be bitter or resentful, but that’s what happens when you’ve got no family as a support system cuz you ‘alienated’ them all by spending most of your life hating them for making you spend every Tuesday night alone with the woman they’ll still never admit abused you every week like clockwork til you finally fucking put your foot down and fucking revolted when you were ten, lmao.

#rape cw #abuse cw #i hate fucking everything cw

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soulfairyheadcanons-blog · 7 years ago

Note

Hello, may I ask for a male matchup from both fandoms (if that is alright), please and thank you. I hope the length is alright, if not send me a message in the chat box and let me know. Because my info is too long to fit into ask box, I’m putting it in a link to the tumblr blog with my personality description, I hope it works . LINK - The first part is infoship2(.) tumblr(.) (com) (without the parentheses). You can take your time on my request, I don’t mind being patient and waiting.

I really had to think this one over, and thanks to the wonderful Mod Meishiro my original idea for your bleach match was replaced with one of your original runner ups. She pointed out a few things and opened my eyes to just how perfect the two of you would be! Your boys remind me of an autumn day with hot coco, cuddled up beneath a blanket. I hope this warms your heart like that as well!

- Mod Rabbit

I match you with Leo!

- Leo is a pretty perceptive guy. He’d see right through the mask of happiness you wore all the time, and acknowledge your sensitivity. He would be super supportive about your depression, anxiety, and OCD.

- He’d notice and pick up on a bunch of little things about you. What things made you smile, the things that made you sad, and how you dealt with your emotions. He’d use this stuff to get past your walls. Something about you just makes him want to see you happy.

- Of course, even before you were together, he would flirt with you now and then. It’s just who he is. It really got bad after you got together though. He can’t help but flirt and tease you. He loves seeing that cute red hue on your cheeks.

- He never quite knows what’s going on in that head of yours. He can read your emotions easily enough, but your curious mind full of daydreams is a mystery to him and he adores it.

- He encourages you to let out your feelings instead of bottling them up. Even if it’s when only he’s around, holding you in his arms as you cry and tremble from all the emotions that you held in. He will calmly run his fingers through your hair and let you get it all out.

- When you get temperamental, he can deal with it well. He’s been shown to be very strong willed himself and will not get hurt too badly. Not to mention he’s used to the rowdy members of Fairy Tail. He can take it.

- He’s the type who will accept you for who you are, and I believe you would accept him too. Despite his past and the guilt he harbors over it you are there to love and support him and he reciprocates every ounce of it.

- He can be jealous and a bit protective. He can get a little touchy when other guys are around you. He has complete faith in you, but he knows how other guys think and is quick to jump to your defense if he thinks someone even looks at you funny.

- His favorite things are dancing with you and eating your cooking. He’s so good at dancing he might even be able to teach you a couple things!

- He can’t help it. When you snort when you laugh, his heart skips a beat. Its just too cute for him to handle, because he knows it’s so genuine and real and he can’t think of anything more wonderful than you just being who you are.

- His hair is really soft and fluffy, so you can’t help but want to touch it all the time!

- When the two of you are alone, his favorite thing to do is to hold both of your hands with his up against a wall and trap you there while he leaves little kisses down your neck. The frisky jerk.

-He would absolutely kill spiders for you.

///

Runners Up: 1. Natsu Dragneel2. Rufus Lore

❤

I match you with Renji Abarai!

- With how upfront Renji is, it’s hard not to trust the dude. He doesn’t hide much and has a good heart, and would be super loyal. He’d make you comfortable enough to break down your walls, slowly but surely.

- Renji never really got to enjoy his childhood either. Like you, it was stolen from him, and he knows how hard it is.

- He can seem pretty rough around the edges, and sometimes the two of you butt heads. You can both be stubborn, but you usually win the argument by finding loopholes in his words.

- In the moment it may hurt when you two argue, but in the long run you guys are closer because you don’t tiptoe around issues.

- Sometimes you guys get into trouble together. You two can have so much fun that you don’t really notice when you’re breaking a few rules, and Byakuya especially doesn’t hesitate to chew you guys out.

- His heart always beats a little faster when he sees you get excited and passionate about something. He cant look away when your eyes light up like that, and you often catch him staring and get a little embarrassed.

- Though he’s smart, Renji isn’t the most perceptive dude out there. Honestly, sometimes he doesn’t know when your “im fine” means “im about to break”.

- But relationships mean adapting.

- He tries so hard. He’s learned a lot since meeting you and does his best to accommodate your mental illnesses, and to support you through it even if he doesn’t understand what you’re going through.

- But this also means you need to adapt to him, and that means learning to tell him when you’re hurting, and learning you don’t need to fake a smile for him- He’s willing to try out your hobbies!

- He will game with you, and it’s quite comical how much rage video games induce in him. It’s probably the only time you will see this big guy pout.

- He tried yoga. He really did. But he was nowhere near flexible enough to pull it off. He actually thinks its pretty incredible that you can–and of course he’s not adverse to seeing you in yoga pants.

- Dancing though. You got excited about an upcoming dance one day and wanted him to go with you, so you wouldn’t be alone. When you have anxiety it can be pretty scary to do stuff like that, but he keeps you feeling safe and secure.

- But he had no clue how to dance. It took him a month of fumbling and stepping on your feet before he was prepared for the dance floor.

///

Runners Up: 1. Yumichika Ayasegawa2. Ichigo Kurosaki

#fairy tail #bleach #renji abarai #leo #loke #headcanons #aesthetic #matchup

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dearsadgoat · 7 years ago

Text

recovery

recently, there was a major fire in my city. a little before the fire happened, i went through probably the lowest point in my life i’ve been in thus far. it culminated into one night of forcing myself to break down a number of walls and fake fronts i put up around me. these stood for about 5 years.

during that 5 year period i lied to myself and tried to trick myself into thinking i was something else so i could fit in with my rapidly changing friend groups, both online and in real life. i started distancing myself from a number of things, including shows, interests, and friends. i pushed away mlp for fear that my friends who were now falling out of it would ditch me if i were still into it. i pushed away my desire to learn music because the relationship between my brother and i only got worse as high school went on. i pushed away old friend groups for reasons so stupid i dont remember anymore.

instead of doing videos for fun and my own enjoyment, i started making them with the intention of becoming popular. i was never good at those and i wasn’t willing to learn to make myself better because i only wanted the success. the worst part about this was the fact that i did it for so long i managed to make myself believe that this was what i wanted, to be making low effort gaming videos on youtube well past its peak. because that’s what I thought I was going to “make it” doing. it should be noted i pushed away a group of youtuber friends before this, who may have been able to talk sense into me.

to this day i have only met one other person who makes videos.

fast forward to a few months ago. back in june, i started a new job, the one im currently working, doing lifeguarding at a pool. in july, my friends and i did our annual trip to anime expo, and aside from some incidents it was fun. i went on vacation with my family to arizona, and we saw a number of beautiful sights. i enjoyed it a lot.

however, this is the end of the fun.

anime expo, as always, brought me the panic of being around so many people. it isn’t the volume of people however, im relatively comfortable in a crowd. its the idea that i can look around in any direction and see people probably way happier and in better places in life than i am. look one way, i see a group of attractive people in cosplay that’s way better than mine. look the other way, i see a group of friends all laughing and clearly have shared interests, unlike my friends where we all have kinda splintered tastes so we don’t spend all the time together at conventions.

i spent a good amount of the convention wandering it with my friend mike. we went as Haru and Rin from Free, him being Haru, me being Rin.

around that time i was having major self image issues. i gained a good amount of weight the months prior, and i couldn’t lose it no matter what i tried, and consistently going to the gym, doing workouts given to me by professionals showing me no change killed my motivation. i couldn’t get myself to even go anymore come june.

so when mike was stopped by 10+ people (i stopped counting after a while) for pictures and to compliment him on his cosplay, meanwhile outright ignoring me, i started feeling like my image issues weren’t just “in my head” like i’d been told. despite this i tried my best to ignore it and move on. except i couldn’t.

the other cosplay i did was a crossplay of Mako Mankanshoku from Kill la Kill. I actually had the right length/hair color for Mako’s hair, so I saved money on a wig and got it cut like hers. the hair actually looked fine in context of the cosplay, however the cosplay in the context of anything was atrocious.

i couldn’t fit into the seifuku i bought, despite being sure to buy a size much larger than what you’d expect. trying to ignore my brain telling me im a fat fuck i improvised with a white shirt and a light blue neckerchief. with the wrong color shoes, basic shirt, neckerchief, basic skirt, and my hair cut instead of a wig, i was the definition of awful cosplay.

i hyped up finally being able to crossdress in public to myself for months. i’ve wanted to crossdress publicly since i was 15. at no other convention in the past did i have the courage. i got rid of pretty much all body hair, and upon finally being able to do so, i thought it was everything i wanted.

looking in the mirror showed me i was nothing more than an ugly fatass trying to look cute. i was the fucking person people at conventions take candid photos of and post on tumblr to make fun of. im sure im gonna one day come across a picture of me in that “cosplay” accompanied with some text about how embarrassing i was.

so with now both my cosplays fun sucked out of them by myself, the rest of the convention went on, but i couldn’t fully suppress the idea that i was unhappy.

the arizona trip i’ll save for another post, it’s a complete offshoot with it’s own backstory.

these are nowhere near all of the events i feel caused enough problems for what happens later, just the major ones. also there’s no way i can write every single thing that’s happened to me and contributed to my sad demeanor over the last 21 years.

after that though, the rest of the summer is a blur, i dont remember anything i did, and i don’t remember starting school again. i just know i’ve been going for almost 16 weeks now.

for some reason, a lot of things that didn’t use to bug me have been bugging me. stuff that I thought i’d grown accustomed to seeing, like the ever poisonous anti-male rhetoric that this site likes to parade. i’ve been on tumblr since i was like 13, i’ve seen it, i should be used to it and know to ignore it, right?

i guess not. every post i see related to something meant to make me feel shitty for being a guy takes another chip at me throughout the day. despite my best efforts i can’t forget them.

i just don’t have the energy to put up with stuff anymore, and it really feels like im out of energy to put into caring about things. i’ve been feeling like this since the beginning of the above five year period of not knowing why i wasn’t happy with what i was supposed to be happy with.

eventually we get to one saturday at work. two pools are being used for an event, the third is being rented out for a kids birthday party. im on the tower supervising the party when my best friend kaylie comes to rotate me. we chat for a sec, and as i start to walk off, she says my name. i turn around and she points at the water. no more than 3 feet from where im standing, two kids are wrestling in the water. except they weren’t wrestling for fun, they were wrestling to get on top of one another and drowning each other in the process. mind you, this is the deepest part of the pool and it’s only like 4 1/2 feet deep. I slide in, hoist up both of them, and launch into the caring procedure bullshit.

i get them out, tell kaylie im going to get a towel, and eventually other guards start asking me what happened. all of the sudden people are toting me as being a hero for making my first rescue withing my first year. you’d think that’s something to be proud of, right?

yeah you’d think that.

i felt nothing. all i had was that i was doing my job, and if it were like ten seconds earlier kaylie would’ve got them. i didn’t do anything special.

of course that ended up as a conflict in my mind, and on the way home i bought alcohol and spent the night drinking alone.

fast forward a few more days, and i get home from work. it wasn’t a particularly hard day, or any major thing happened, just a lot of small little things that chipped away at my patience, a few comments made by coworkers that really weren’t asked for, and this and that ultimately led to me driving home at the end of the night upset.

i get home, and think to myself im going to unwind with some video games. i dont remember what happened or what i was playing, but some major thing happened that led to me calmly turning off the game and turning to my computer to stare at it for the next two hours, only occasionally clicking to something new.

nobody tells you what it’s like to break. partly because, they cant. the way i see it everyone breaks differently. every breakdown i’d had up until that point had been loud, angry, and full of jerky motions through teary, blurred eyes. they were like someone kicking over something i was making in one fell swoop.

this time it felt like i watched someone pick away at the foundation until it all started to slide down like sand.

i broke, at first without tears, questioning what i was doing at that moment, and what i was doing in general. nothing made sense. my head couldn’t keep a thought for a moment. i felt like my chest was caving in. i didnt end up eating anything that night. i honestly can’t describe how i felt and what i did, it was such a blur.

i started going on a nostalgia scavenger hunt. something i had seen recently drove me to want to search out the mlp meetup group i used to be a part of. i found pictures of me and my friends at different events back in 2011, 2012, and i started doing what i can only describe as motioning a whimper. as in, whatever you picture when you think of whimpering, only without sound.

I saw pictures of me being happy, truly happy. i hadn’t been truly happy in the last 5-6 years since these pictures were taken. at least not for more than the occasional time.

as if on queue, a friend from one group of friends i changed myself to fit in with messaged me. i asked him if he wanted to take a trip with me, and i spilled everything.

i confessed to being a liar, a poser, a shitty person who couldn’t even tell his friends that he wasn’t everything he said he was. i told him at one point in my life i had actual ambition and ways to achieve success outside of being the scummy piece of shit i’d become when i became friends with them. (please dont misunderstand, they’re good people, i just had a warped sense of what i needed to do to be their friend back then)

he let me angrily type and rant and have a major breakdown to him without interruption for almost an hour, and finally he paused me and started trying to talk me through this.

after he gave me his piece on the matter, i turned to another one of my best friends, jacob. jacob was one of the irl friends i went to meetups with, and we’ve been friends since middle school. we’re closer than anyone else i know i’d bet, even closer than kaylie and i.

because of time differences, our conversation lasted the next two days, basically telling him everything, that i wasn’t happy with myself, that i haven’t been happy with anything for a long time. the only thing that mattered to me in his response was that nothing was different between us. he said he was going to a therapist soon, and said that i should try it. i have not, and i dont plan to for fear of what i might find out. still, everything he said i took to heart and i thank him for it.

at this point, i decided that i could fix all of this, that i could make myself someone i’d like to be. i was going to work hard and no matter what i wasn’t going to break like that ever again. nothing was going to stop me, no matter the odds.

someone up there must love testing my patience.

a week later, the fire happened. within the span of an hour i had gone from coming home from a test, to helping my mom with the recycling, to rushing home because the sky over our house was brown. the next few hours was me running on no food, a sweaty, ash-covered mess, to get everything of importance out of the house. everything that was too hard to replace was taken. as painful as it was it meant leaving behind just about everything that had value to me, as i took only the things that mattered in a worldly view, not a personal view.

God listened to my prayers that day, and the fires burned half a mile from my house, but no closer. The trail i walked a thousand times growing up was no more. it’s about 4 houses down from mine, to give perspective. everything was black and soot, trees stood with burn marks and missing leaves. The creek was dried up. everything is a mess. i walked out and took pictures of it a few days after, just for memory sake.

that day was a test to see whether or not I was actually going to keep my word. i didn’t break that day, despite wanting to often, and i did what was most important for my family.

since then, i’ve shuffled around a lot of different aspects of my life. a lot of things are changing, and im not comfortable with a lot of them. however, these are good changes. i have to make myself uncomfortable to be able to find what i belong to once again.

and i hope and i pray that this is going to be the time i prove to myself i can break out of this

#text post #dear sad goat

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transformationstuck · 7 years ago

Text

8etta than )(er

Vriska carefully crept through the red halls of Her Imperious Condescension's palace, looking for anything of value to steal. She had gotten it into her head that it'd be an excellent way of gaining fortune and prestige, and that the Empress would never be able to stop or catch her.

As of now, she had found her way into the respiteblock of the fish queen, and was rummaging through her personal effects for anything of value. And boy did she find lots. She'd have a lot of work cut out for her just trying to cram all this gaudy jewellry into her sylladex. Just to lighten that load, she worse some of it, even if it was far too big for her.

The Condesce was surely in for a sight when she made it into her respiteblock, only to find some young cerulean blood wearing lots of her gold.

Alternia's leader was briefly stunned, unable to believe that anyone would have the outright audacity to steal from her. Astonishment quickly turned to rage, however, as she stomped up to the comparatively tiny troll rummaging through all of HER precious belongings.

"an just what the S)(-ELL do you think you doin you little blue blood BITC)("

The entrance caught Vriska by surprise, and she turned to shoot a shocked expression at the Empress. For about eight seconds, she didn't even know what to do, simply kneeling in stunned silence, partly at the fact that she was even still alive. Then, she got what was either the best or the worst idea she had ever had, save for the one to rob the Empress, of course.

"Uh. I'm ro88ing you? What do you THINK I'm doing????????"

Vriska hoped refuge in audacity would save her life today.

It wouldn't.

The Condesce reached down to grab Vriska by the neck, effortlessly plucking her off the ground even with all the heavy jewelery she was wearing.

"i bet you think you funny huh, little mindfang jr here think she pullin a fast one on me"

The Condesce tightened her grip around Vriska's throat, ready and willing to snap her neck and just be done with it. Until...

"you know i got a better idea, somefin i been wantin to try for a while"

With that, HI)( promptly turned around and marched out of her block, Vriska still held in a vicegrip.

Despite being briefly flattered at the allusion to her ancestor, Vriska was far more panicked, struggling against the Empress and her grip, working frantically to free herself.

It was only after the Condesce had decided against killing her, at least on the spot, that Vriska realized she still had something at her disposal.

Coughing and attempting to get enough air to pull off a badass one-liner, she shot a strained grin at the Condesce and put her hands to her temple.

"Actually, I think you'll 8e putting me down now."

Was it beyond cocky to think she could use her mind control to bust down the will of the Empress of all trollkind? Maybe.

Did Vriska care?

Not even in the slightest.

Without breaking her stride, The Condesce glanced in Vriska's direction, her eyes briefly flashing as she easily deflected Vriska's attack, and just to show her who was in charge, shot off a psychic shockwave of her own at Vriska's.

"you aint got S)(IT on me"

Vriska screeched. She hadn't expected the attack to be very successful, but she hadn't expected such a powerful backlash, either. What the fuck had the Condesce even done to herself to be able to do that? Or was she always this powerful? It sure as shit wasn't public knowledge, either way.

"F8CK. Okay, point t8ken. G8ess that's wh8t I get for trying."

Striding through the hallways of her enormous sanctum, HIC finally arrived at what appeared to be her destination. A strange laboratory environment with all kinds of mechanics and fluids sprawled around the area.

The Condesce casually chucked Vriska into the center of the room, before locking the door behind her. Then she walked over to one of the operating tables, looking for something.

Onto the floor Vriska tumbled, as if she were a discarded ragdoll. She was still pretty hard though, and scrambled back up to her feet with little effort. To the door she went, attempting to suss out how to unlock it before the Condesce finished whatever she was doing. Surely it had to be possible, since she locked it from this side. Right?

Unconcerned, by whatever Vriska was attempting to do, HIC finally found what she was looking for. She held up a rather nasty looking syringe, filled with a greyish liquid, and grinned. Time for a little experiment. Turning to face Vriska, she slowly advanced on the troll, cackling.

"ayy blue girl you about to help me learn a lot about science, dont you go nowhere"

Vriska's frantic fiddling with the door only intensified as she heard the Condesce approach, until at last she gave up on the door and decided to do the next best thing.

She decided to run around the room and throw whatever she could get her hands on at the Empress.

Really, there were probably better things to do, including submit, but she was too panicked or too proud to consider them right now.

"oh i know you aint running when i told you not to"

Unflinching, HIC knocked aside everything that Vriska threw at her as she walked forward, drinking in the panic she could feel emanating off of her.

She entertained the chase along through the lab for a bit, enjoying toying with her prey, until she decided she had had enough and quickly seized Vriska's body with her telekinesis, forcing her to slowly float towards the queen.

Vriska thought she'd at least be able to keep up the game for awhile longer. Might've tired out soon, and definitely first, but she expected to be reduced to pulling shit out of her sylladex before she was captured. And when she was, it was via... Telekinesis? Since when could the Empress use telekinesis? This bitch had secrets up the wazoo, apparently. Not that Vriska could blame her, but she still hated it.

At length, she struggled against the psychic hold, to no real avail.

"Ugh, fuck! H8w are you DO8NG this???????? And what 8s that? Some kind of n8w super poison?"

"psh if ida wanted to kill you youd be dead already, naw think i can use you better when you alive"

With Vriska floating just in front of her, HIC held the syringe just up against her neck, to taunt her, to take in as much of her fear as she could.

"i hope you ready for a brand new you"

Though there was fear, Vriska attempted to mask it with a sneer and a glare. Still she struggled to move, struggled to reach out for a nearby mind, struggled to do ANYTHING.

"8rand new me? What the fuck are you 8la88ing a8out?"

"you just wait an see"

With that, she plunged the syringe directly into Vriska's thigh, injecting all of whatever the strange fluid was.

She dropped Vriska to the floor in a heap, her legs shaking from... something.

Down to the floor Vriska went again. She was getting pretty sick of that.

"Stop DROPPING me like that!!!!!!!! Yeesh."

Grumbling, she attempted to pull herself to her feet, hoping she could at least do this with dignity. Simultaneously, she attempted to steady her legs, and watched them carefully for any further developments.

A silence fell over the room as both trolls stared at Vriska's legs. Nothing seemed to be happening, even after a minute of the standoff.

The Condesce sighed. Another failure. Guess she'd just have to kill this little thief after all.

She lifted her hand to grab Vriska by the throat again until she heard a small crackling noise and looked down again. Vriska's comparatively little legs seemed to be... expanding.

"W8, hold on, l8ts talk a8out this!"

Vriska reeled back, too little too late, and held out her hands defensively. Only for her to notice that her legs were... Changing? She looked down at her expanding limbs and blinked.

"........Wh8t."

That was all she could say at the moment as confusion and fear wracked her. Where was this even going?

The Condesce cackled.

"oh we done talkin, now i get to play wit my new toy"

She grabbed one of Vriska's outstretched arms and yanked her up to the air yet again. Suspended in the air, she watched as Vriska's legs continued to grow, not just in height, but also changing shape, becoming tight and curvy and shapely, not unlike HIC's own. The legs were about twice as long as Vriska's torso by this point, having shredded her pants and giving her a bizarre set of proportions.

Vriska didn't really struggle much anymore. Perhaps realizing the futility of it. Or, perhaps, she was far more concerned with how her legs were developing, going from short and lanky to thick, long, shapely legs. Not too dissimilar at all to...

Well, that didn't scan at the moment. She didn't imagine the Empress would do anything like that intentionally. A length, she could only imagine she was being made older.

"Okay, lemme guess. Some kind of growth acceler8ion thing? Real effective at skipping over that childhood 8ullshit. I can sort of understand it. Not really liking it, 8ut fuck, not like you care a8out my opinion, right?"

"why would i wanna older version of you inna first place, you already a knockoff a mindfang an i damn sure dont need another her"

HIC reached another hand to wrap around Vriska's waist and hips, which paradoxically, both seemed to be expanding and shrinking at the same time, growing outward to match her legs, yet tightening up into an hourglass figure. Vriska felt the squeeze both from the change and HIC's hand.

"Sides, im way hotter then she eva was"

The pieces clicked together with those last words, and Vriska shook her head.

"What. Seriously? You're making me some shitty 8ody dou8le of you? I mean, not like I'm not flattered, really! 8ut that seems really stupid."

She was hardly flattered, of course. She didn't mind the new figure, and honestly, she kind of enjoyed the feeling of her flesh expanding and contracting. It was almost sensual. Exotic. But everything that came with it? Fuck no.

She only hoped the body would be all there was to it.

"you undaestimate how useful you gonna be to me, imma busy troll i cant do everyfin myself,

you gonna be a good me an help out, but dont get any ideas, im still the bass around here"

That said, it was getting harder to hold Vriska as her size continued to increase, but Hic managed to cup her hands around the blue-bloods tits and ass, squeezing and prodding them as they inflated out to match her own endowments.

Being let loose, if only slightly, Vriska redoubled her efforts to wriggle free. This didn't come before her chest and rear were enhanced, however. The feeling of flesh expanding, well disposing of what was left of her clothes, and growing all the more sensitive, brought a small moan to her lips.

"Oh my G8D, The whole 8ody dou8le thing was one thing 8ut this is just getting perverse!"

The slightest change in her tone went, for the moment, unnoticed to her.

"its all part a the show for me, you comin along just fine"

As Vriska continued to grow, she finally got too big for for HIC to carry in her hands. The Condesce once again dropped her to the floor, although this time she had less length to fall. Vriska's still oddly-proportioned frame scrambled slightly, only to stop once more as her arms stretched out on either side, growing into strong slender copies of HIC's own appendages. As all this continued, Vriska only grew taller and taller, as well.

Now on terra firma, (Alternia firma?) Vriska slowly pulled herself to her knees, looking over her new arms, slim and soft, but muscled and bearing strength. The stretching and cracking in her body was almost empowering, really. She could feel her physical strength mounting by the minute. She couldn't help but feel over her naked body, admiring the contours and size of it.

"I mean I GU-----ESS you're right, Though... Ugh, get O8T OF MY H8AD!!!!!!!!"

Feeling a creeping specter of the Empress passing over her, she sets her hands to her temples again, now applying psychic pressure to... Herself? Unorthodox, but it seemed to fight things back, if only temporarily.

"ayyy you likin that new power huh"

The Condesce grabbed Vriska by the mouth and forced her to look at her. HIC had to admire the Serket's determination. None of her other experiments had fought even half this hard against their fate. Still, the inevitable would come eventually, and she would be consumed.

"you gonna like bein me"

Vriska's horns, still relatively tiny on her much larger body, suddenly shot straight up matching the massive prongs that HIC proudly displayed, as her body continued to bulk up.

Their eyes met, and despite herself, Vriska couldn't look away. There was a strange twinge of familiarity in that gaze. Like looking into a mirror. Indeed, as her horns reshaped and grew, that'd only amplify. The pressure on her scalp, the dull ache of her muscles as they grew and strengthened.

All this culminated in a series of grunts and groans, as Vriska's control over herself began to rapidly decline.

"I........ yeah i guess youre right, its feeling nice already, not too different actually, but different enough, where it counts"

Vriska's already bushy hair grew out in a flash to resemble The Condesce's billowing mane. The Condesce grinned, as Vriska's face was all that remained.

"i wanna get a close look at this"

Lightly, being gentle for the first time of the whole experience, HIC used her telekinesis to bring Vriska to a standing position.

"i wanna sea 'you' fade away"

Vriska's face, the last vestige of her former identity, began to morph and reshape before the Condesce's eyes.

Slowly but surely, the change took place. Vriska's bone structure cracked and shifted. Lips plumped out. Eye color changed. Soon enough, her face was a mirror image of the Condesce's. A familiar smirk came to the clone's features.

"Whale, hope you enjoyed the show o g me, cause blueblood thief bitch is outta here"

The Condesce crossed her arms and laughed. What a success! Now she had effectively double the muscle behind her throne.

"good shit,turns out imma genius and beautiful as fuck both, good thing you know who the alpha whale is round here tho, wouldnt want us havin a problem"

The new Condesce scoffed, as if the suggestion were absurd.

"bitch please, you dont go makin another one a yourself an not expect her to turn into competition, fortunately i got the perfect cure for this predicament, sea not all a this bitch is gone, some thinkpan shit is still sittin around, and guess what i can do with it"

With a wicked grin, she combined Vriska's psychic acumen with her own, and attempted to force her way inside the alpha article's mind.

Old school HIC reeled back, not expecting the power that suddenly slammed into her brain. This was impossible! She was the real deal, not this copy she made herself.

"fuckin slick ass glubberfucker, thinkin you can take M-E!? you gotta nother, thing….urk"

Despite the psychic energy she was expending to fight back, The Condesce was being slowly surrounded by an unfamiliar feeling: helplessness.

The cloned Empress grinned, slowly moving toward her soon-to-be thrall, hips swaying almost hypnotically.

"shhh its aight gill, its ocray to admit you fucked up, youll be mine to do whatebber with soon, and youre gonna LOV-E it"

A well-manicured hand was put to the original's chin, and her gaze was tilted to meet her creation's.

The original stared at her oppressor as she struggled to maintain control of herself. There she was, herself, in the nude, taunting her, forcing her down in a way she had never even thought possible.

Reduced to begging as she felt her body fail her, she gave off one final plea:

"Please… stop… this aint how it was sposed to be"

Said oppressor simply shook her head and tsked in disapproval at this.

"man how pathetic, thought we were betta than this, ah whale~. ILL be betta than you ever were, dont you worry"

With a final kiss on the forehead, she gave her progenitor the final push into total obedience.

Drained of her power, and overwhelmed by her opponent, The first Condesce stood silently at attention. Internally she was screaming, agonizing over the fact that she had lost everything because of her own stupid pride. On the outside, however, she was stoic, waiting for her next order.

With that, the new Empress of Alternia snapped her fingers authoritatively.

"aight slave, first order a business is gettin me some jams to wear, cant go out naked like this no more, then were gonna plot out makin this empire bigger and betta than eva, or i am, you just be a good slave an do what i say"

With that, she confidently strode out to meet her new future.

-Discord Writers (an RP log between one of the discord users - transcribed.)

#homestuck #vriska serket #the condesce #identity death #mental tf #personality tf #physical transformation #tf transformation #hourglass expansion #homesmut #discord writer

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survivoremathia · 8 years ago

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Ep. 7 - “"I Love Lies and Deceit" - Isaac”

LOGAN

IF I DONT WIN IMMUNITY IM GOING HOME KNOW THAT THATS ALL HELP PLEASE I CANT GO HOME PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

OWEN

Well well well!!! Ryan B went home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Surprise surprise!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :~) I threw a vote on Scott just in case Ryan, who did absolutely no campaigning whatsoever, had an idol or something from the labyr*nth. But he didn't and he's dead so! Fun!!!!!!!!! Anyways... I want to win individual immunity kind of, although I think I have a good case to get Jay out of here. Still, I don't know what Duncan will think of me if Jay DOES get shipped off, and it might be better for me if Scott goes because I've never talked to Scott and there's no relationship there? With Trevor and I on the same tribe there's always the worry someone will want to split us up but I don't see how that benefits anyone really because we'll just be a target at merge. We're like an extra fat meat shield :) use us :))))))))) anyways, none of my alliance wants to win immunity because the challenge is an unnecessarily difficult version. It worries me that we all feel cocky enough to...not try lmao afsdkhdfsjfds which makes me want to try but at the same time??? I don't want to do that it's finals week and it's too much. I just want to merge so I can fuck everyone up

LOGAN

also everyone in this game? likes me as a person? but i think ERRYONE knows im a threat and im in the bottom so i need to win. that is all. love rob. ill die for rob.

Yeah, this challenge is going to be bad... I'm much sorry

Jesus fuck. That sucked... I hope i never have to do anything like that again. 4 hours of my life i wont be getting back *sigh* but i saved that cute little rock from the underworld, yes i did.... I think I'll name him... He- hey! My rock just does back to the underworld... Well there goes that. *Le shrug* (sleepy Jessy is sleepy)

SCOTT

I am shocked I survived the vote. But I am confident I will most likely be voted out at the next tribal, and since the challenge is basically computer slavery. I am screwed. WELP *Prays for the merge*

LOGAN

woooo, my death is happening!

IN THE GAME I MEAN IN THE GAME I PROMISEHTBDFGJNSDKMZ

TREVOR

Sam chose me to go to the labyrinth. A good ally. Maybe I will take him to the end.

We're voting for Jay. I kind of insisted it without discussing it which is bad but I wasn't in the mood.

It's either gonna tie with Scott or be 4-3-1 as I'm gonna try and get Scott to vote for Owen if he comes online. If it does tie we will vote Jay on the revote so it's fine. I have Lydia's 20% challenge advantage because I'm not allowed to give it back to her. Oh well. I'm sure we're swapping or merging after this.

SAM

https://youtu.be/ZNx-K60v4BU

ROB

Literally the only person who I did not to win. Fuck I think I couldve done it. Lazy ass. I'm definitely in danger once more.

SAM

MORE CONFESSIONS yeah i'm pretty nervous about tribal tonight. i'm afraid that one of the newbies is going to get voted out, so i might have to appeal to duncan that the newbies are on his side. or that i can get them to be on his side because i think they might be down to vote for him. they're concerned with mending fences and they believe that duncan might not help them but LIKE LOOK DUNCAN WILL PLAY WITH ME AT MERGE AND MATT SUMMERS ISN'T CALLED MATT FUCKING SUMMERS FOR NOT REASON so i'll have to check in on everyone later today and make sure their heads are in the right spot. that's all. at least it isn't me.

SCOTT

This song goes to my tribe if they vote me out (Verse) Wrap it up, I said I don't have time I guess you're outta luck, but I'm doin' fine Give it up, you don't wanna act like you care And I don't want a house full of her hair (Pre-Chorus) (And you said) Literally, babe Are ya gonna give up so easily? I thought I meant more I thought you was stronger... (And you said) Literally, babe I've been stressing about us all day, well Guess you bit off more than you can chew I've got li-te-ra-lly nothing to say to you (Chorus) You wanna play me till I kick you out You wanna call me when you're feeling down Beggin' on your knees, BITCH PLEASE! And when I finally let you bring me close You wanna promise me you'll never go Then you wanna leave, BITCH PLEASE! (Interlude) Don't text me, you're pathetic, BITCH PLEASE! This is the only way you'll hear from me, HA! Don't text me, you're pathetic, BITCH PLEASE! This is the only way you'll hear from me, HA! (Verse 2) Listen up, you don't get a goodbye You don't get another shot to make me everything I'm not I'm a girl on fire, I'm a girl who dreams And you're a boy who needs to stay the hell away from me (Pre-Chorus) (And you said) Literally, babe Are ya gonna give up so easily? I thought I meant more I thought you was stronger... (And you said) Literally, babe I've been stressing about us all day, well Guess you bit off more than you can chew I've got li-te-ra-lly nothing to say to you (Chorus) You wanna play me till I kick you out You wanna call me when you're feeling down Beggin' on your knees, BITCH PLEASE! And when I finally let you bring me close You wanna promise me you'll never go Then you wanna leave, BITCH PLEASE! (Bridge) And it hit me like a ton of bricks Like a ton of your ugly hats When I was broken, when I was lonely When I was reachin' out for your hand That the sun could go down My shadow and taunts, there's no-one around, I swear We're as lonely as with you there (He's not gonna get that...) (Whatever!) (Chorus) You wanna play me till I kick you out You wanna call me when you're feeling down Beggin' on your knees, BITCH PLEASE! And when I finally let you bring me close You wanna promise me you'll never go Then you wanna leave, BITCH PLEASE! (Interlude) Don't text me, you're pathetic, BITCH PLEASE! This is the only way you'll hear from me, HA! Don't text me, you're pathetic, BITCH PLEASE! This is the only way you'll hear from me, HA!

MATTEW

So...double tribal. Yikes! I feel like I'm in a pretty good spot at this point. I have an alliance with people that I don't think have any reason to flip, but the only troubling thing is the fact that there could potentially be a boatload of rewards and items out there just waiting to get played. Hopefully my alliance is the only one who has gained access to Room 5, but there's always that uncertainty about the Labyrinth that's super scary. We could easily try to play it safe and blindside someone again, but now's not the time for paranoia. I've been thinking a lot about numbers come merge and I'm starting to realize that Trevor is probably at the center of the dynamics of the other tribe. He has Owen and Lydia that he's really close with, who each have people that can branch off to form a majority. I want to trust Ryan when merge comes, but we've been apart for so long at this point that I can't be certain where he his loyalties lie until we can meet back up and talk game again. My point is, there's a lot of uncertainties that could lead to me being in the minority come merge so my focus for the next few rounds is to keep as many people happy with me as possible. I mended bridges with Logan a bit and we've had some pretty solid game talks, so hopefully they're being honest about being willing to let Rob go and they're not just trying to screw me over. I'm going to have to start talking with Duncan again, because there's a lot of uncertainty and distrust between us and if we're going to be able to form a majority at merge, we're going to have to patch things up and look forward. Still, preparing to get #snatched at tribal council tonight.

What kind of evil was that! Escape from hell???? Na man, i think I'll just stay there next time... I mean i saved the rock though! That rock... That will help me do absolutely nothing. By God.

Okay seriously though, i have control issues. I get that, i know that and I'll embrace my faults. I also think it's one of the reasons why I'm so worried about this tribal. I've had class all day and i haven't been able to really talk to people the way that i want to. I can't get a read on the other three to know if they are really going to stay with us or if they are just planing something with some items. The only thing that I'm not worried about is the idol, maybe that means I'm putting too much trust in Sam but i did save his ass last time we were in tribal. And yes I'm taking all the credit for it because even with Ali's extra vote, my tribe wanted to vote for Robby and i believe that i changed their minds. I saved Sam. Sam best not be fucking with me. Right so last night me and Sam talked in length about what he wanted to do in this game. He told me that Duncan gave him the idol. Something about after you use it you have to give it to someone else. So if he's telling me the truth, and i really think he is, he has the idol. He also wanted to know if i had any connections with anyone on the other side .... I mean yes! The other half of my final four is over there... I didn't tell him THAT though. I told him that when Trevor came over we talked but mostly about being old... Which was not a lie. That was the first thing we talked about, and being Canadian. Me and Ali liked him enough and checked with Lydia about bring him in with us and i hope that they really have been able to work out their differences Because here is my set up. Final 2 - me and Ali (we can't take a vet with us, that's just asking to lose) Final 4 - me, Ali, Lydia, Trevor (idk what our name is anymore but i really liked when we gave ourselves seasons so I'm going with 4 seasons right now) Final 5 - 4 seasons and Sam because i still think Sam owes me and i plan to collect on that at some point. Final 8 - Owen, Matt, Isaac. And if the 8 of us can get together straight out of the merge, if that happens after tribal, then there would be 12 players in the game. We have more then majority and we get ride of a couple people before shit hurts the fan I'm sure. At 10 it might get bloody cus everyone is going to have their own groups that they want to go to the end with. Right so that all came from mine and Sam's conversation was that he wants to work with Trevor and Owen, because they are a power couple and he thinks they would be targeted before any of use. Which would be truth if Trevor wasn't in my main alliance. All this could go to shit tonight. Any four of us could get voted out or Lydia and Trevor might have decided to leave me and Ali behind. We'll see. About to vote and I'm such a control freak that I'm trying to figure out how to be more involved. Like lying to Logan and telling them to vote for Matt or Sam to see if we can trust her. But... There so much bad that could happen. God I'm going home tonight -_-'

ROB

If you're not going to stay loyal to me then you can't expect me to stay loyal to you. I'm doing whatever it takes to stay alive in this game, even if it means turning my back on the people I was close to. JD*sigh* i thought this tribal was set. I hate scrambling ready

ALI

This tribal is awful :( Rob is the general consensus, and I'm being especially nice for two reasons. A) Because I feel really bad B) Because I don't want him to play an idol and for his one vote to vote me out. I wanted to work with him, but that core Olympus 3 was just too tight grr. I wish we could vote off Duncan, he is kinda shifty and I'm still put off by him lying to me... Next time... Also, whoever invented that challenge can CATCH THESE HANDS. It was awful. Also, Scott is probably going tonight, which'll make me one of two newbies left and the only Brit. If Rob goes also, I think I become the youngest person, the only Brit and one of two newbies.... I'm going into extinction.

ISAAC

I love lies and deceit. All of a sudden I'm shook about Trevor keeping me out of the loop™ So me, myself, and I and my petty ass are going to be ugly™

#allianceofone #episodes

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viralhottopics · 8 years ago

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Can I forgive the man who raped me?

Thordis Elva was raped aged 16. Years later, she emailed Tom Stranger, the man who raped her, beginning a raw, painful healing process documented in their book South of Forgiveness. In this extract, they meet to find a way forward

Thordis Elvais from Iceland and known to Icelandersas a writer, playwright, journalist and public speaker. She was voted Woman of the Year 2015 by the Federation of Icelandic Womens Societies in Reykjavik for her work on gender equality, and has written a celebrated book on gender-based violence, 2009s mannamli (The Plain Truth). She currently resides in Stockholm, Sweden with her partner Vidir and their son.

Tom Stranger is Australian. He met Elva when he was 18 and on a student exchange programme in Iceland, and the pair had a relationship. Since then, he has worked in various sectors (community services, youth, outdoor recreation, charity, construction, and hospitality). For now, he is working as a landscape gardener and lives in Sydney with his wife, Cat.

From: [email protected] Sent: Saturday 21 May 2005, 5.38am To: [email protected] Subject: Words for you Thordis, I dont know where to start. When I saw your name in my inbox, my spine went cold. My memories are still as clear as day. Please believe me when I say I have not forgotten what I did, and how wary I have to be of myself. I dont know how to reply. I want to call myself sick (but I know I am not), I want to say that you are so strong, so strong to be able to write to me and recall the events and my actions. I want to thank you for not hating me, although Id like you to. It would make it easier for me. Without looking for a scratch of sympathy, I want to tell you that the events and emotions I was party to in Iceland have replayed in my head many times, usually when I am by myself for any length of time. They flash past me, vividly accurate, and then, shortly after the denial and positive character reinforcement, comes the question: Who am I? It is a dark part of my memory. Ive tried to suppress it. But this is not about me. Whatever I can do or offer you, I am more than willing. The question is where to go from here. You tell me. Tom.

*****

After eight years of analysing the violent past and its consequences in a written correspondence, Thordis and Tom decide to meet up in the middle, between their home countries of Iceland and Australia, looking to face their past once and for all.

Day one, 27 March 2013

The taxi picks me up at a quarter to five and takes me to the bus station, where Im booked on the fly-bus. The grizzled taxi driver, hoisting my suitcase into the trunk with a smooth manoeuvre, asks me where Im going.

To South Africa.

Oh, really? To Johannesburg?

No, to Cape Town, I reply, still in disbelief at my own words despite the time Ive had to adjust to the idea. It would be an understatement to say that the proposed meeting has been on my mind. Its reverberated in every step when Ive gone out for a run; its been in every breath of cold winter air that scraped the insides of my lungs; its soaked the wet washcloth I used to clean my sons sticky fingers. And Ive tried my best to push it out of my mind when making love to my fiance, enjoying his warm skin against mine.

After all, that would be a highly inappropriate time to be thinking about it.

From the moment the destination was set, I adapted to a new calendar before or after Cape Town. The last time I bought deodorant I automatically deduced that I wouldnt have to buy another one until after Cape Town. Yesterday, when snuggling down with my three-year-old son to do some painting together, spending quality time with him BC momentarily appeased my guilt for leaving him for 10 days to travel halfway across the globe to face a man from the past without any guarantee of the outcome.

Something tells me that parents of young children are not meant to take such foolhardy decisions. Thats the reason I gave up my dreams of parachuting when I fell pregnant with my son. Then again, throwing myself out of an aeroplane at 7,000 feet carries less emotional risk than taking a trip down memory lane with the man who turned my existence upside down. Because it wasnt an unknown lunatic who tore my life apart all those years ago. Who turned down the offer of medical help for me, even though I was barely conscious and vomiting convulsively. Who decided instead to rape me for two endless hours.

It was my first love.

My mothers eyes flew wide open when I told her that I was travelling alone to South Africa to meet up with the man who raped me when I was 16. She strung together a series of hair-raising worst-case scenarios before letting out a sigh, looking at me with loving reluctance, and adding: But I know its pointless to try to talk you out of things youve set your mind to, dear. Shortly thereafter, my dad interrupted my packing when he dropped by for a coffee. Despite my attempt to break the news to him in the gentlest manner possible, it didnt prevent him from freaking out. He lectured me in a thundering voice about how I was jeopardising my life for an utterly ridiculous idea.

But I have to finish this chapter of my life, I said softly. My cheeks were on fire.

Finish this chapter? he repeated, appalled, and jumped out of his chair. You dont need to travel across the globe to finish anything! This whole idea is a big pretentious drama, thats what it is!

His words hit me right where it hurts.

Youll have no control over anything. Nothing but your thoughts! Nothing else!

What do you mean? I asked, confused. Ill obviously control my actions and whereabouts.

No you wont, dear, he hissed. You cant always. If you could, then that wouldnt have happened.

We both knew what he meant by that, even though weve never talked about the incident that changed everything. In recent years, Ive spoken widely and publicly about my status as a rape survivor (though, until now, never identified the man who raped me) yet my father and I have never discussed that fateful night. He has never asked and Ive always assumed he doesnt want to know.

I sat up straight, aware of my glowing cheeks. If you reduce me to victim and him to perpetrator, I can see how this seems incomprehensible to you. But were much more than that, Dad.

He scoffed loudly before storming out of the kitchen.

I leant against the wall and let the air out of my lungs slowly. Goddamn it. I knew this would be hard, but bloody hell.

My father appeared again in the doorway, pacing up and down with frustration I knew was fuelled by fatherly love. How can you be sure youll finish anything with this nonsense? This may just as easily be the start of something else entirely! The distress in his voice made it sound like a threat.

I sat alone in the silence my father left behind and watched the dust settle. In a way, I think were both right. This trip will surely mark an end to a certain chapter of my life. What sets me apart from my father is my belief that in the next chapter, I wont be the victim any more.

Day two, 28 March 2013

The screen in the seatback in front of me shows a blinking plane over a map. According to the timer, Cape Town is just 29 minutes away. The butterflies in my stomach nose-dive, as the time seems way too limited considering how many questions are left unanswered.

Goddamn it, what if I cant forgive him? Am I ready to let go?

Frustrated, I scroll through the folder on my laptop, searching for something to calm my nerves. I was level-headed enough when I suggested this trip, wasnt I? In an attempt to recover my faith in this risky undertaking, I read through my own proposal:

You may need a lifetime to forgive yourself for what you did to me. That is up to you and you take however long you need, independent of anyone else. I, however, am climbing a different mountain. And I am getting very close to the top. I propose that in six months time, we meet up with the intention of reaching forgiveness, once and for all. In person. It is the only proper way for me to do it, I feel. No letter can ever compare with face-to-face communication. And after all weve been through, I think it is the most dignified and honest way to finish this chapter of our story.

I sound so calm, so fucking reasonable. How is it possible that this was written by the same person now hyperventilating in a plane 30,000ft over South Africa, full of nerve-racking doubt?

Reading through his reply, Im somewhat comforted that he, too, felt conflicted:

Ill admit that I was floored by your request to meet up. Fearful, anxious, cautious, paranoid. You name it, it all came swarming in. But youve asked, and you sound like you are making vital ground towards something very special for yourself. So of course Ill agree to see you. After much thought I do think it will be beneficial, and an opportunity for myself to air face-to-face some long held words and for us both to look to close some doors. I want it for you, Thordis, as you seem strong, open and ready to see me and move forward. I want it for me because Im so very sick of being sick and seeing myself as unlovable, and believe I can move on if I could just look you in the face, own up to it and say Im sorry.

Forgiveness is the only way, I tell myself, because whether or not he deserves my forgiveness, I deserve peace. Because Im doing this for me. My forgiveness is white-hot from the whetstone, and its purpose is to sever the ties, because if I can let this go, once and for all, Im certain that my overall wellbeing will benefit greatly. Self-preservation at its best.

Day four, 30 March 2013

Its seven oclock when we buy ourselves a drink at the hotel bar and sit down by a table facing the garden, readying ourselves for the hard talk. The windowpane clatters loudly, and an endless stream of staff crossing the room distracts me to the point where I give up. What do you say about us finishing this conversation in my room?

He looks at me, shocked. Are you sure? Youre comfortable with that?

Im sure that itll be easier to have this talk if we get proper privacy. Its tough enough as it is.

Tom radiates ever-increasing anxiety as the elevator climbs closer to the 12th floor. Unlike him, my emotions have calmed down.

Almost serene, I step out of the elevator. Theres no turning back now.

He buries his hands in his pockets as I fish my key out of my bag in front of my hotel room. Putting my hand on the doorknob, it morphs into the white plastic door-handle with the keyhole that haunts my dreams. Within me, everything falls silent. Ready? I ask myself.

Without hesitation, I turn the key.

Tom follows me inside my room, takes a look around and smiles nervously. Not bad.

Sit wherever you like. Im going to make some tea.

Thordiss student ID from around the time she met Tom. Photograph: Courtesy of Thordis Elva

He sits down on the edge of the bed while I busy myself with the kettle. From the corner of my eye, I notice him closing his eyes and straightening his back, as if hes steeling himself. When the boiling water hits the teabag at the bottom of the cup, Tom begins the story in a hoarse voice. I wore my golden shirt that evening. I didnt know it was customary to get dressed up for a dance in Iceland, and I didnt have anything fancy. The son of my host family took me to an exclusive store and helped me choose the shirt. I thought it was the peak of cool, at the time. The striped trousers were a present from my host sister.

He accepts the steaming teacup from my hand and stares into it for a moment before continuing. I remember how excited I was when I bought the ticket. I remember that I was with my friends Carlos and Ben when we met you outside the dance. You were pretty drunk when you arrived.

It was the first time Id ever tasted rum, I tell him. I didnt know how to drink alcohol. Nor did I know how to smoke, even though I took a drag from the rolled cigarette you handed me. I just wanted to impress you. And after the ensuing wild cough, I wondered if perhaps that wasnt a cigarette, I remind myself.

I lost you the minute we stepped inside, Tom continues. Carlos and I went straight to the dancefloor. I remember feeling happy and carefree in that sweaty pile of people. Then someone told me you werent well, you were in the ladies.

My mind replays the awful scene from the bathroom stall. The stains on my new dress. My hair wet from hugging the toilet. My fear and wonder as one spasm after the other wrung my body out like a dishrag. The repeated promises that Id neither drink nor smoke again if I were only allowed to survive this night. And finally, the desperate wish for my mom to come save me. I fucked up, Mom. Im sorry.

Tom frowns. I felt it was my duty to go and check on you. So I went in and climbed over the partition, into your cubicle. I held your hair back while you vomited, and I thought I was going to be sick as well. Then you flopped to the ground and lay there, motionless. I remember carrying you out.

He pauses and looks away. Before I have a chance to tell him how grateful I was when he appeared like my mother incarnate to save me from an untimely death on the bathroom floor, he grimaces bitterly. Then I couldnt be bothered to look after you, Thordis. I dumped you on Ben and left you with him. You were slumped on the chairs outside the bathrooms and he stood there, stooped over you, as I went back to the dancefloor.

I look at him in surprise. I thought youd taken me straight home.

He clenches his jaw. My only thought was that this was the only Christmas dance I was going to experience in Iceland. I was selfish and didnt have any concern for you. In the end, I felt guilty that some other guy was looking after my girlfriend. So I scooped you up in my arms and carried you up the stairs, in a foul mood because I had to leave the party.

And the security guards stopped you on the way out because they wanted to call an ambulance for me as I was dangling from your arms, foaming at the mouth. They thought I had alcohol poisoning.

Id forgotten that moment but I dont doubt it, he says in a low voice.

Tom Stranger in 1996, the year he went to Iceland. Photograph: Courtesy of Tom Stranger

I remember that part vividly because for a second there, I thought youd take their advice, I respond, looking down into my cup. That Mom and Dad would get a call from the hospital saying that their 16-year-old daughter was lying there with alcohol poisoning. I imagined being grounded for life.

Id known for three years by then what it is to drink to excess, and Id seen many of my friends at various stages of drunkenness. I just thought you were wasted. I didnt think you were in real danger, he says.

Whatever it was, it had me paralysed and unable to speak. But I heard you loud and clear as you refused the offer of an ambulance, telling the security guards that you knew me and would see me safely home.

He nods, his complexion strangely pale. The taxi was white, I recall. I told the driver your address I remember letting us into your house. But what I dont remember is what I did with you while I struggled to unlock the door.

You draped me across your shoulder while you rummaged round in my bag for the keys.

He raises his eyebrows. Really? Like a sack of potatoes?

I nod.

He swears at himself quietly. And I remember your entrance hall, the shoes on the floor. From memory, past the coat hooks there were some stairs on the left, leading up to the kitchen and your parents area. Your room was through on the right. He stops and swallows.

I remember taking your clothes off.

I remember it too. My gratitude when he removed my vomit-stained dress. My relief at having my feet freed from the high heels. My frustration for not being able to utter a word of thanks. My lack of understanding when he continued to remove my underwear. Why my panties? Why?

My stomach muscles reflexively tighten as I prepare for the blow.

He stands up, moving restlessly, and walks over to the wall opposite the bed. I undressed you completely… He falls silent and hangs his head. The wind howls pitifully outside the window.

Tom begins to cry.

I wish I could tell you why I did it, Thordis.

Did what?

Raped you, he says, quietly.

This is an edited extract from South of Forgiveness by Thordis Elva and Tom Stranger (Scribe Publications, 12.99). To order a copy for 11.04 go to bookshop.theguardian.com or call 0330 333 6846. Thordis Elva and Tom Stranger will be speaking at the Royal Festival Hall as part of the Women of the World festival on 11 March, and at the Bristol Festival of Ideas on 13 March

People were quick to judge I wasnt angry enough: what came next for Thordis and Tom

Standing in stark stage lights, with five cameras directed at me, I recently found myself on a stage, telling an audience of 1,200 how Id been raped when I was 16 years old. Next to me on stage was Tom, who raped me after a dance at our high school. Together, we gave a TED talk that summarised a 20-year long process, whereby Tom shouldered responsibility for his actions and the way they impacted our lives. It was viewed nearly 2m times in the first week and the overwhelming reaction was positive and supportive.

In the talk, I described the violence Tom subjected me to, how I spent years wanting nothing more than to hurt him back, how I found a way to part with the anger that nearly cost me my life, as well as rid myself of blame that I like so many other survivors wrongfully shouldered.

Tom described how he felt deserving of my body that night, without any concern for me, and consequently convinced himself that what he did was sex and not rape. The following nine years were marked by denial, in which he did his best to outrun the past, until I confronted him in a pivotal email that changed our lives for ever.

Ive been asked why I didnt press charges immediately, and the simple answer to that question is that I was a 16-year-old girl with naive notions about rape. Rapes were committed by armed lunatics, the kind of sensationalised monsters you saw on TV and read about in the papers. The fact that Tom wasnt a monster, but a person who made an awful decision, made it harder for me to see his crime for what it was. That way, the demonisation of perpetrators in mainstream media got in the way of my recovery. By the time I was able to identify what had happened to me as rape, Tom had moved to the other side of the planet, far from the jurisdiction of the Icelandic police. At the time, 70% of rape cases in Iceland were dismissed, even when the perpetrator could be interrogated and the survivor had documented injuries, neither of which were the case for me. Therefore, pressing charges would not have been a fruitful process, and the only option I felt I had left was to bottle up my pain and anger. Studies show that very few survivors have a clean-cut story in which they went straight to the authorities after being assaulted, put the blame squarely on the perpetrators shoulders, healed their wounds and moved on. For most of us, life after violence is a messy ordeal. We dont go to the police because were too confused, scared or doubtful that well get help. We blame ourselves and obsess about things we couldve done differently. We numb ourselves with alcohol/drugs/sex/food/work, or we turn to self-harm to relieve the emotional pain. We continue to see our abusers and pretend that nothing happened, because facing the truth is overwhelming. We develop PTSD and mental illness. We stay silent about what happened out of fear that well not be believed, or worse, blamed for it because we did something wrong. No wonder, really. In reality, the only people capable of preventing rapes are those who commit them, and yet were told from an early age that we can avoid being raped by dressing and behaving in a certain way. This culture of victim-blaming also fosters the idea that there is a right way to react to violence. Had the survivor only worn something else, not smiled so widely, not gotten drunk, fought back (more), screamed (louder), gone straight to the police, not feared their attackers retaliation if theyd only done that, everything wouldve worked out differently. Victim-blaming deepens the shame that many survivors feel and lessens the likelihood that they speak up about their experiences.

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Watch Thordis Elva and Tom Strangers TED talk.

The reality is that there is no right reaction to having your life ripped apart by violence. I knew that my collaboration with Tom would be controversial, and the reactions of internet trolls didnt surprise me. But I am concerned with how quick some people were to judge the wrong way in which I worked through my experience. I wasnt angry enough, I shouldve pressed charges, I was setting a dangerous precedent, I should be ashamed. Although I made it clear that my forgiveness wasnt for my perpetrator but for myself and that without it, I wouldnt be alive, I was still told that I should not have forgiven.

This worries me. I worry about my fellow survivors who are at risk of internalising the misconception that there is a standard reaction to sexual violence, with the conclusion that they didnt react in the right way. To you, I want to say that you did nothing wrong. The way in which you carried on with your life may not have been clean-cut, it may have been messy and incomprehensible to those who dont share your experience, but it was your way to survive a trauma. Nobody has the right to tell you how to handle your deepest pain.

And as the title of our story South of Forgiveness suggests, forgiveness played a pivotal role in allowing me to let go of the self-blame I shouldered, largely due to the victim-blaming culture I grew up in. And yet, forgiveness is not the core of our story, in my mind. The core issue is responsibility.

I understand those who feel discomfort and even outrage when hearing and seeing Tom on stage, knowing that hes perpetrated sexual violence. At the same time, given how prevalent this type of abuse is and how under-reported a crime it is, were in all likelihood seeing and hearing from perpetrators on a daily basis the main difference being that we dont know theyre perpetrators. They could be the people we went to school with, who greet us at the grocery store, who direct the films we watch, get elected to public office, run entire countries and live right next door. Given the low reporting and conviction rate, most of them will never have to take responsibility for their actions in an institutional sense. This does not lessen the gravity of their deeds.

By the time Tom had confessed to his crime, he couldnt have done time for it even if he wanted to, as the statute of limitations had passed. As a result, our case fell through the cracks of the legal system, like so many others, but it didnt lessen our need to analyse our past and place the responsibility with the person to whom it belonged: Tom. We also did our best to answer questions that are rarely posed in the public discourse about rape, where more focus seems to be on the survivors attire, behaviour, whereabouts and sexual history than the perpetrators culpability. And as frustrating as it is, I understand it to a certain extent. Because in the public discourse, the only people speaking about the violence theyve been party to are the survivors, usually. Which is why we only have their stories to dissect, their details to scrutinise. Did she say shed been drinking that night? This tradition of one-sided scrutiny blindsides us from looking at the behaviour of the person responsible, the perpetrator, to whom the focus needs to shift.

I am not sharing the story of how I processed the abuse I endured as a set of recommendations for others.

My story is a unique account shared in the hope that it can aid a public discussion about sexual violence.

As a society, it is our duty to fight against violence. And as individuals, we have a right to heal from it.