#i cant believe i get to share a birthday with this bastard

[garou-art]

💢 Your Least Favourite Idol 💢

[jarofstyles]

hiii idk if you guys are taking blurbs or concepts but how would y/n plan for Harry’s birthday in level up? 🥺🥺

We are always taking concepts!

For Level Up, it’s something for the both of them. He’s always a bit selfish with her and her time, liking to soak in her pets and touches. He isn’t the most social butterfly besides his mates but the day would be filled with some alone time. Waking him up with kisses, he would groan and tug her on to his body, bury his face into her chest and take her hand up to his head so she could play with his hair.

“Happy birthday...” her giggles would be felt as vibrations against his cheek. It made him smile every time he got even the tiniest bit of a laugh so already, his day would be going amazing. With her fingers threaded through his waves, she would gently run through them and hum quietly. See, Harry likes to wake up slowly and get acclimated to the area around him. When she’s around though, he doesn’t ever want to leave the bed.

“S’my birthday.” His slurred speech muffled against her top. “Can I do somethin?”

She paused her hand in his hair, raising a brow bur whispering a hum of approval. At the confirmation, he would pull up just enough to lift up her (his) shirt, placing his head under it like a child and assuming his last position. Between bare breasts. A perfect way to wake up. It’s not even sexual this time. Just warm.

“Seriously?” Her laugh of disbelief made him smirk into her skin. “You’re insane. Couldn’t even look at me when we first got together again, and now you’re rucking up my shirt to use my boobs as pillows.” They truly had gone a long way. But the soft kisses to the skin and his hands following to hold her around the waist made her soft. He thrives with skin to skin contact. Made sense why she called him a baby.

When finally able to be pried out of bed, the day begins. Dressing him in jeans and a band tee shirt, she does up his hair as he sleepily sits on the closed toilet seat and let her style it how she likes. It’s a new thing they’ve been doing and Harry was weak to have his hair played with so he never had any complaints. She would lightly tussle it and and put mousse and whatever the hell it was that smells good in his hair. When she finished, he would pucker his lips at her and get one of the first of many kisses.

She doesn’t tell him the plans. As much as he whines, his lover knows that secretly he loves surprises. Internally, he’s incredibly touched she has spent a whole day planning something. Of course Harry insists on driving but she makes a nice pout of it until he playing sings, “S’my birthdaaaaaay. I get to do what I want.”

She takes him to a new breakfast cafe a town over and finally get the crepes Harry had been drooling over on the Instagram explore page. Followed by an hour out trip to a comic book store and a speciality game store he hadn’t known existed, which the pair of them spent a good deal of time and money in. Their shared hobbies rubbed off on each other and they had their gamer fun, Harry blinking a few times when they had gotten to the car and revealed she had bought him a surprise. Another lunchbox. The sentimental bastard teared up!

For lunch, it’s a picnic. Grabbing food from a food truck, they sat on the beach of a lake, Y/N sitting against his chest as they feed each other fries and Harry bringing the straw of his watermelon soda to her lips a few times to let her try, before ultimately claiming he didn’t want anymore and handed it over to the girl he loved. It was an incredibly peaceful afternoon, complete with his lover bringing out a comic book she had snuck and held it up so they could read it together.

The big plans were for the night though. She had planned a get together with his friends and his family, booking a table at the combination arcade and restaurant. That was something she had collaborated with his mother and her future mother in law with. She had it all set up with blue and red balloons and had the cake there and everything.

Knowing he didn’t like large public attention, they didn’t shout surprise. It did startle him though to walk into a section, already beaming to be here with her only to see everyone else he loves. She loves him enough to go through all of this, and it was moments like these that he really felt like he was the luckiest man in the world.

They’d play together but she would insist on him going off for a bit with his friends while she sat with his family and chatted. They were so cool and down to earth, she was already part of their family and they made her know that. Who wouldn’t want that for their child? A lover who wanted them whole lot and would do any and everything for them?

Eventually he would get pouty, feeling a bit clingy and find his way back to her, bringing her into his body and disappearing off to play some games with her. A photo booth escape too, taking a few strips of cute pictures for the both of them and playing some of the basketball hoop game. Harry was stupidly good at everything but helped her to ‘win’ so, she was happy. Even managing to sneak her around to the hallway and kiss her deep and full, muttering “love you, so fuckin’ much.” And “cant believe y’do this for me. You’re everything.” And of course, “m’so lucky. This is the best day.”

At the end of the night, with photos upon photos, new gifts, and bellies full of food, they’d collapse upstairs in his room, curled up while a YouTube streamer highlights played on his tv. It wasn’t the end of their night though. No, of course not. Y/N couldn’t leave him without a perfectly sloppy birthday blow job. Crawling under the covers like he had done to her shirt, tugging down the grey sweats (yum) and mouthing over his cock, getting it hard and leisurely sucking on her boyfriend. Paying attention to the spots he loves, dipping down to take her tongue over some new places, under his balls a bit and ever so lightly over his hole, making him gasp.

They’d discussed it a few times, their want to try it but it was just a slow introduction. His whine and slight spread of his legs let her know he was okay with it, so she repeated it a few times while her hand stroked him, but the cuss and whimpery “fuck, I....m’gonna cum, gonna cum baby.” Had her back up to take it into her mouth. Swallowing every drop he had to give.

Sliding back up to lay on top of him, they share a deep kiss and a final “Happy Birthday.”

[sabraeal]

(don’t go) making something out of nothing, Part 2

Prologue | i. the first woman he ever loved

Yet another piece of @infinitelystrangemachinex‘s run away birthday fic; many thanks to @bubblesthemonsterartist​ and @claudeng80​ for beta’ing this chapter!

ii. the first to make his heart race

When all his mistakes are immortalized for posterity by one of those nosy little court historians, Zakura would like the record to show: the pharmacist isn’t his type.

She’s too tall for one; in her boots she stares him straight in the mouth. Her own quirks with that smug smile of hers, like it’s funny how unimpressive he isn’t. Too old too; at least five years on him, and the kind of person to lord it over a man all his days. Her hair frizzes, blonde kinks that he finds in his mouth, despite keeping his distance, and her face, nice as it is, tends more towards handsome than pretty. Strong; that’s what Her Majesty would say, if she were here.

And she’s got opinions to match.

“You’re heading up to Wirant, Highness?” she asks, glancing over her notes. His Prickishness is buttoning up his shirt, the pale porcelain of his doll-face uncharacteristically pink.

His stomach is clenched too, trying to make ridges where there’s only smooth boy-belly. By the cant of this woman’s mouth, she knows it.

“Yes. To visit my mother.” His Highness doesn’t grimace, but boy, does it look like he wishes he could. “For solstice. It’s an...event up there.”

“Oh, I know.” This time her big mouth spreads into a grin. Friendly, but not friendly. “I trained up there.”

The prince’s eyebrows raise, but only a seemly amount.The little bastard already knows. Clever. “At Lilias?”

Gazeld settles back into her hips, arms folding right under her chest. Doesn’t do her any favors, either. “Good guess.”

“It’s the finest institution in the country,” the kid says, with the kind of confidence belong to a much older man much-- one who could actually grow a beard. “With your skills, it would only make sense that you were an alumna of its hallowed halls.”

So this is how the other half flirts. Standards must be lower when the man could buy and sell countries with a blink. “I reckon you have places to be Your Highness. Documents to sign, plots to foil, that sort of thing.”

The prince turns to him, face utterly blank. With a year on the job, he knows it for the scowl it is. “Sir Zakura, I’m sure that--”

“No, no, don’t stay on my account.” Gazeld waves a hand, too amused. “I was only going to ask-- have room in your carriage for one more?”

“Has it been long since you’ve been north?” The prince crosses his legs, and gods, it’s like sharing a cab with a spider with how much of it he manages to take up. The kid’s barely seventeen.

“Who, me?” Zakura presses a hand to his jacket, buttons scraping at his palm. “Why, I’ve hardly even left--”

“I meant--” His Highness’s mouth sets thin as a blade beneath his nose-- “Mistress Gazeld.”

She darts a glance at him, like they’re somehow in on this joke together. “A handful of years, give or take. I keep up with a few friends.”

“I see.”

His Highness has an array of masks, each one with the proper expression for an empty-headed prince to wear in every circumstance, but now-- now his face twitches, as if he’s not quite sure which one he means to make. Zakura smothers a grin. Watching this jackass struggle to be human is a rare pleasure in this shithole of an assignment.

He settles, ultimately, on an inquisitive smile. “Is that who you are visiting?”

It doesn’t take a chessmaster to fill in what he won’t ask: for this solstice? And it certainly doesn’t take one to hear the thin thread of jealousy wound ‘round his words like a spindle, as if a woman Gazeld’s age would waste a strings-free kiss on a boy hardly old enough to find his ass with both hands, let alone his prick.

It’s almost enough to make Zakura pity him. Or at least, it would be if the kid wasn’t in the position to force the issue, should the mood strike him.

“Mm.” Gazeld watches him with interest-- not the kind a woman has for a man, but what a scholar has for a book unread. “Them, and your mother as well. Thought I might see if I can’t help with her castle allergy.”

Every inch of His Highness stiffens, and-- and Zakura’s seen all of his thirteen fake smiles, every single one of his twenty-seven princely masks but this, this studiously blank face is new. He doesn’t like it, not one bit.

“I see,” the prince says, like he’s talking around a mouth of glass. “Intriguing.”

It’s only his second solstice, but it’s already head and shoulders better than the first.

Zakura had heard that Wirant put out a good party-- not much else to do up here in the ass end of nowhere but throw an endless parade of soirees when the occasion called for it, really-- but he hasn’t seen it. Not with the country in the throes of mourning, and a queen with no use for laughter.

But this year; oh, this year-- there was no moratorium on merriment.

“You’re late,” grunts one of Arleon’s guards, a gruff little bulldog of a man. “Maybe I shouldn’t let you in.”

Zakura sighs, the guard at his back shifting, uncertain. A new recruit then, if he doesn’t know this old gem. “I’m a knight, Jirou. I arrive fashionably late.”

He wouldn’t have, if the royal prick hadn’t sent him out to do busywork; two weeks here, and today of all days is the one where the posts must be inspected. Not that the prince had deigned to come along, oh no-- he’d been snug here at the castle, primping, while he froze his tits off with the ugly sons of bitches Arleon sent out into the hinterlands.

Jirou grunts, the closest he comes to laugh without a few drinks in him, and the rookie eases. “Nothin’ about you that’s fashionable.”

He smooths a hand over the glittering buttons of his coat. “I’ll have you know, this is the very latest out of Wistal.”

“Hah.” The man leans back, taking him in. “You can put silk on a pig, but it don’t make it a princess. Sir.”

Zakura grins. “With that attitude, you’ll never make it pass Sargent.”

“Fine by me.”

Zakura could believe it; there are some men that are meant to be captains, to be leaders of men, but some-- some are born to sit just to the left of power, wryly reminding them of when they weren’t too big for their britches. Jirou’s one of them.

“Anything I should know going in there?” He rolls his shoulders, trying to get the mantle of knighthood to sit as easily on him as it does to the smug pricks born to it.

Jirou blinks. “Like what, sir?”

“Any trouble? People who have a habit of having a little too much and causing a ruckus?” He lets his mouth stretch into a leer. “Any pretty girls who might need a kiss come midnight?”

The guardsman scowls. “You’ve never had trouble finding any of those.”

Zakura’s not sure he’d be saying that if he knew who had been his partner last year. He grins anyway; he’s got a reputation to keep, after all. “Well, I’m short on time tonight.”

Jirou’s mouth twitches. “Better hurry up, then.”

He casts a worried glance into the hall. “There’s a lot of people.”

“It’s an auspicious year, sir.” Jirou’s grin says he’s enjoying this far too much. “Not one to miss.”

He blinks, brows raising as the man escorts him into the ballroom. “Why’s that?”

The guard tilts his chin toward a window. “Full moon. Happens once every twenty years, or summat. Some say it’s a blessing on the prince’s reign to come.”

Zakura hums. “Is that what you think, Jirou?”

“Hah. Me, sir?” He shrugs in the way men do when they don’t agree but like sleeping in their bed. Rumor had it he’d been married earlier this year. “I don’t know about all that. Work around too many of them scholars, you know? On their word, the heavens run like clockwork, and that’s good enough for me.”

Zakura claps him on the back. “Good man. Glad to see someone can keep their head about them.”

He moves past him, toward the glittering press beyond the archway, but--

“There’s another thing, sir.”

He cranes his chin just over his shoulder, and there it is again, that self-satisfied shine to Jirou’s eyes. “About the moon. They say whoever you kiss on a full solstice moon, you’ll kiss every one after.”

A grimace tugs at his mouth, stretching it thin. “I’ll keep my lips to myself then.”

Zakura means to keep that promise, he really does-- he may not put any stock in the sort of folktales they spread up here, closed in by the cold and the mountains, but the last thing he needs is to kiss a girl that does. He’s no prize catch in a court that boasts marquis and dukes among them, but here, where lords scrabble to hold onto counties and baronies, any man with a title is good enough. And if there is one thing he’s not looking for, it’s a wife. Especially a northern one.

He makes it two steps.

“Sir Zakura.” A clutch of pretty young debutantes crowd him, fluttering fans and eyelashes. “We’ve been waiting for you.”

Now there’s a question for the scholars: what if he’s kissing more than one girl at midnight? He’s got only a few minutes, after all, and if this whole thing is as fatefully binding as Jirou warned him, well, it’d be prudent to hedge his bets--

“Oh!” One of them turns, gaze slipping over his shoulder. “Is that the prince?”

The whole flock of them twists around to look, fans flapping faster. Zakura grits his teeth, and yeah, there the little prick is, strolling into this humble fete without a care in the world, Arleon’s youngest trailing behind him. He should have known; stories might talk of oysters or ambrosia, but there was no more potent aphrodisiac than a title. And oh, here was this pretty boy with the most arousing one.

Forgotten now that there is better quarry, Zakura slips back into the shadows. He’s used to this, watching that slippery bastard of a prince have everything handed to him on a platter, only to say he doesn’t like the taste. Even now his eyes are roving over the room, never resting, for all the world seeming like he’s searching--

Until he stops, short enough that the lords trailing in his wake nearly trip over him, his gaze fixed to the other end of the room. Zakura follows it, right down into the warren of drunken cardsharps play games with rules far too arcane for a simple man like him, and--

Ah, there she is. The pharmacist. He should have known.

She’s the only lady here tonight that’s not dressed to the nines, hoping to catch a convenient kiss. Instead, she’s wrapped up in Lilias blues & whites, the only formal wear most of those scholars own. His gaze drops further, and by every god, old and new, she’s wearing trousers beneath her tunic and cloak.

He’s got to bite his cheek looking at her, else he’ll laugh himself sick. This His Prickishness could have all the prettiest, glittering cunts in the world, but this is the one he wants to sink himself in.

Or at least, that’s what any normal, red-blooded man would be after. This boy, though-- he stands there, jaw the tiniest bit soft and hands clenched at his side, and stills.

Ah, his father should have trained him better. A soldier never hesitates.

Zakura pushes off the wall he’s decorating, rolling toward her in a loose-hipped swagger. “Mistress Gazeld.”

Her eyes dart to him, then over his shoulder, and when they return it’s with a smile on her lips. “Of course. Sir Zakura. To what do I owe this dubious pleasure?”

There’s a thousand pretty nothings that sprout from his mouth, but this woman isn’t a girl in her first season, ready to be wooed by pretty words. So he settles for the truth. “I didn’t think I’d see you here. Weren’t you supposed to be with those scholars you like so much?”

She hums, amused. It’s...an intriguing sound. Or at least it would be, if she couldn’t look him dead in the eye as she made it. “I was. But I had an appointment with Her Majesty. She insisted I stay.”

Zakura huffs out a laugh, leaning on the mantle beside her. “You don’t strike me as the sort who takes commands.”

“I don’t. She asked nicely.” Teeth flash behind her lips. “And I heard they imported scallops for some of the hors d’oeuvres.”

“How mercenary of you.” He lets his mouth widen into a grin. “I approve.”

“Oh,” she coos, mouth twitching at the corners. “Just what I’ve always wanted: a man’s approval.”

Ah, perhaps that was not his best thrust. He leans back the barest bit, and gathers himself for the next engagement. “I trust Her Majesty is well?”

“As well as she looks.” Gazeld’s eyes soften as she speaks. Zakura smothers a smile-- the best way into a healer’s good graces is always through her patients.

“And her...unique ailment?” It’s been years, but Castle allergy is still too ridiculous to say in an adult conversation where he plans on kissing at the end of it. “Anything to be done about that?”

Something in her expression changes-- closes, really; like a village toward a stranger after dark. “I’ve done what I can about the physical symptoms,” she says after a long moment, voice pitched low. “But I can’t do anything about...”

Her lips, thinner than he’s used to-- hell, she’s older than he’s used to too-- press together, a scar across her face as obvious as his own. Her eyes dart up to his, searching, and gods above, he doesn’t know what she finds there to make her say, “There’s nothing I can do for guilt.”

Zakura blinks. Guilt? What could--?

“That didn’t heal well,” she says suddenly, and he hardly knows what she means until she reaches out, brushing out over his nose. “I told you to take care of it.”

He stares down at her-- or across, really, but no one’s keeping count-- right into those strange eyes of her, nearly Wisteria blue in some lights and an intense violet in others--

And remembers thinking the same thing as he laid on his back, delirious with pain and not a little alcohol, as the pharmacist painstakingly stitched his skin back together.

“Fuck.” It’s all a little much-- the guilt, the suspicion, the memories-- and, when she opens her mouth to give him another dose--

The bells ring midnight.

Well, he had come here for a reason.

It should have been a joke. The “ha-ha” kind, where he lays one on her long enough for her to push away. Maybe even slap him if she needs to save face; scholars don’t kiss soldiers, after all. But no harm done; just a solstice kiss between two people who don’t belong here.

Instead, her fingers curl into the velvet of his cloak, hooking like talons around the brass of its pins. She tugs, sending him stumbling forward, hands hovering around her waist with the sort of wariness he shows mutts frothing at the mouth.

An odd thing to think, with hers covering his like this, tongue prying his lips open, and--

And, fuck him if this isn’t the kiss he meant to give. Not that he’s complaining.

Cheers kick up behind him, voices raised to meet the new day, and Zakura takes that as his cue to step back, to breathe.

He catches his hand only a moment before it touches his lips, sending it to lean along the mantle.

“Fair Solstice,” he manages, grin not quite fitting on his lips.

“Fair Solstice,” she agrees, mouth curling. “I have to admit, you did an admirable job, considering.”

Considering? Zakura frowns. Her gaze darts pointedly over his shoulder, and ah yes, there is His Highness, glowering at his back.

“But next time--” she leans in, mischief sparking in the mystery of her eyes-- “leave me out of your children’s games.”

“Ch-children?” Heat flares up the back of his neck. “I’ll have you know, I’m twenty--”

“Of course, of course.” She waves him off with a laugh. “But I’m sure you two can find a more obliging girl to squabble over.”

He doesn’t like the way the queen smiles at him over the rim of her cup, the dawn breaking behind her. “Dare I ask what you’ve done with my son?”

“He’s in his rooms,” Zakura replies, stilted. “Didn’t want to come down.”

Don’t ask why, he doesn’t say. There’s no point when Her Majesty’s already got that look in her eye; the one that says she might not have been there, but all the right people were.

“I see,” she hums, letting her cup settle back on its saucer. “Haki is quite a demanding dance partner, I hear.”

“Seemed a little young to be there tonight.” He scratches at his scar, nose aching in the morning chill. “She can’t be more than what? Thirteen?”

“Fourteen. Not out until next year, of course, but Arleon thought he might make an exception, since her dearest friend would be there tonight.” Her Majesty raises a brow. “Are you really going to hope I don’t know exactly what happened?”

“Ah--”

“Should I congratulate you on such a fine catch?” she asks, arch. “I know there were quite a few young men at Lilias hoping they’d catch such a magical moment with Mistress Garak tonight. After all--”

“It didn’t mean anything.” His hands fly up to ward off her well-wishes. “Just a bit of fun.”

“Oh, I knew exactly what it is, sir.” He chin tilts just so, the thin light of morning washing over her face. “I wish you wouldn’t make enemies of each other, when you would do so much better as allies.”

Zakura barks out a laugh; his scar pulls just enough to sting. “What does a prince get from a man like me? There’s any number of your sort who could do the job.”

“And all of them would stick a knife in his back for a handhold to the top.” Those eyes fall on him, deep and fathomless as the night sky fading above. “You two are more similar than you’d like to admit.”

“Is that so, Your Majesty?” Each word leaves his mouth on a whip’s crack. “A boy loses his father, and now we’re supposed to be--?”

“No.” Her mouth twitches; it’s the only warning he has before she replies, so mild, “Because you’re both stubborn fools.”

Well, there’s not much to say to that one, now is there.

“My son has been left a...complex legacy.” Her fingers smooth across the table’s linen. “There is no other man I would trust more to help him navigate it.”

Zakura’s never been a man to swallow down his words, not for thieves and not for kings, but when he opens his mouth to laugh, to scoff at what complex legacy the world’s richest boy could inherit--

He does. He takes one quick glance at Her Majesty’s face, and what’s there, what’s left behind from these two long years--

I’ve done what I can about the physical symptoms, but there’s nothing I can do for guilt--

Some deaths leave their own legacy on every one they leave behind.

“Well,” he coughs, squinting into the dawn, “how can I say no when the kissing’s so good.”

Her Majesty’s laugh bubbles from her, a force of nature, like water rushing through a stream. “I was under the impression that your kissing days are behind you. At least, the ones that don’t belong to Garak Gazeld.”

He snorts, turning toward the door as a footman enters, preparing to announce His Highness. “We’ll see about that.”

[taronfanfic]

Fast Forward

Chapter 8

“Wait, so you didn’t actually tell them?”

“We were economical with the truth, put it that way.” Taron replied to Rosie before finishing the last dregs of his pint and then offering to get the next round in. After what could only be described as a stressful weekend you called the gang together for a midweek drink, or 5, in the pub and they were eager to hear about the drama that came with Taron meeting your parents for the first time.

It felt so good to be back to your normal routine for a few days. You could focus clearly on your work and not come home feeling utterly exhausted and stressed out with worry. Taron had returned to his usual self too; he’d stopped looking at you with his adorable face of concern and was happier to leave your side for more than 10 minutes in the evenings. It was cute to see how much he cared about you, and how badly he wanted to be able to make everything okay for you. But at the same time he’d been smothering you and barely giving you chance to breathe. Before you’d met him you’d had to handle everything on your own. Yes, you had the help of the girls, but they understood that the advice shared still needed time to be processed, and that TLC came in the form of a bottle of wine, a shared wardrobe, and a night out that couldn’t be remembered by the next morning. Trying to handle things when there’s someone else so closely involved in every single part of your life was a challenge. The last thing you wanted to do was push Taron away or hurt his feelings by rejecting him, especially when everything he’d done had only made you love him even more. But some things in life need to be handled alone, and after the weekend just gone, you knew the week ahead had to be one of them. You’d booked time off work so you could stay with your parents and help to care for your Dad, but now you were left with the challenge of finding the right time to tell Taron.

“So, are you free of relative visiting for the next month?” Jack asked Taron as he returned with a tray full of fresh drinks.

“Yeah, next one will be back to Wales for my birthday, I think. But that’ll be loads better because my lot love Y/N to bits.”

“Feeling’s mutual,” You smiled warmly as you placed your hand to the top of his thigh once he’d sat back down again. “I’ll be back up to see my parents again, but I’ll let Taron off this one. Think it’ll be less stressful all round.”

“Really? Again?”

“Yeah it’s Dad’s operation on Friday.”

“Oh yeah, right.” He shook his head a little before pouting in disappointment when he thought he’d have another weekend on his own.

“You can do something with the boys though, invite them over to ours if you like.”

“Mmm, we’ll see.”

“I tried.” You rolled your eyes to Jack who laughed at you.

“You’ve turned him into a right soppy bastard, look at that face! If someone had told me this time last year that he’d be sulking because he had to spend a night away from his girlfriend, I’d have never believed them. I don’t think he would either!”

“Oh, fuck off.” Taron huffed.

“Nah, it’s sweet.” You teased him too as you lightly pinched his cheek. “Can’t quite believe it’s coming up to a year already; still feels like yesterday. That’s reminded me! Is there anything in particular you’d like for an anniversary present?”

“A blow job.” Jack chipped in and you shot your head round to give him your sharpest glare before you broke out into a giggle.

“I’m saving that one for his birthday.” You winked to Jack before you felt Taron’s fingers gently turn your chin back to face him as he replied.

“Your undivided attention would be nice.” There was a seriousness in his eyes that strangely hurt you. It didn’t match the tone of his voice or the sweet smile that spread across his lips as he looked straight at you, but the twinge in your heart was unmistakeable. It was like he already knew that you were about to be apart for a week.

“Well that’s a given.” You did your best to smile back.

“Good… but let’s talk about it later, yeah? Here’s not really the best place.” He added quietly and you felt your heart start to race as it suddenly felt like something else was seriously wrong. What if he’d been keeping something from you too?

As the night went on you found yourself zoning out of the conversations around you and getting caught up in your own head. Scenes from the weekend were replayed in your mind and over-analysed as you struggled to find anything that could have caused this out of the blue rift. You wondered if it was because you left him to take the blame for having sex, despite you being the one pushing for it to happen that night. Maybe you should have had his back and said it was your idea? But then again, he would have said something after you left if that was the case. It could have been something your Dad said to him when they were left alone that he’s been dwelling on. Maybe it’s about an ex? There were too many what if’s and guesses for you to possibly explore and it was leaving you with a pounding head.

“Are you feeling alright?” Gemma asked as you made your way into the toilets together.

“Yeah, just…no”

“What’s up?” She held onto your shoulders as she spun you around to face her.

“Something’s off with Taron.”

“Off? He seems fine to me.”

“Yeah, no, not like that. I can feel it though, that gut instinct that says our walk home tonight will feel more like walking the plank.”

“Babe, don’t stress. Has anything actually happened?”

“No.” You looked down to your feet. “He said he wanted to talk later, about our anniversary.”

“Right, now I’m truly lost. That’s a good thing! He’s probably got a million and one ideas about what to do for it and wants to put out some feelers for what you’d be most excited for.”

“I don’t know, he looked really serious. It worried me.” You confessed, despite feeling ridiculous after Gemma had suggested a more realistic, and positive, outcome.

“You’re worrying over nothing, so stop it… As long as you’re still having sex, everything is good! When that stops happening, then you can come to me and tell me that something is wrong, okay?” She placed her hands to your cheeks as she reassured you and it put a small smile back on your face. “You are still having sex, aren’t you?”

“Of course!” You laughed. “This is me we’re talking about. Shit has to get really bad for that to stop!”

“Good, that’s more like it. Now let me pee and then text me in the morning telling me I was right after you’ve planned a super romantic way to celebrate your anniversary. I won’t be jealous in the slightest!”

“Alright. Thanks Gem.”

“It’s what I’m here for.”

When you returned to join the table again the conversation fell quiet as everyone seemed to be taking a sip of their drink at the same time. Taron had moved up a seat and was now next to Jack, so you pulled out the chair beside Rosie as you waited for anyone to say something.

“Shall we go and have a game?” Jack looked over his shoulder to the pool table which was already occupied “Or at least continue this conversation over there…” The rest of the boys stood up in agreement and walked over to reserve the next game. A smile which was awfully close to smug was sent in your direction from Taron and you did your best to reciprocate it without looking too confused.

“See!” You hissed to Gemma as soon as they were out of ear shot. “Tell me that wasn’t weird.”

“No, okay, that was strange. Rosie what just happened?”

“I don’t know. As soon as you two left they all moved up to that end of the table for some ‘boys talk’ so we ignored them.” She looked to Charlotte who nodded.

“Figured it was probably to do with a girl, reporting back after a first date or some filthy sex or something gross. Boys can definitely gossip just as much as girls!”

“Ask T later, and I’m sure he’ll fill you in on all the juicy details.” Rosie reassured you and you tried your best to ignore the feelings that kept stirring away in your gut. There was something about the situation which took you back to standing outside Taron’s flat when he had the other girl in there. You knew something was up and Taron’s face was the least reassuring of them all. He was the worst liar you’d ever met, and you weren’t sure what you were dreading more; finding out what was going on or watching him lie to you and being able to see straight through it.

Taglist: @egerton-sweetie  @amanda-tallmadge @lizziespidiepridie @leanimal90 @anantheminmyheart22 @aynsleywalker​ @bohemianrhapsody86​ @butterfliesslugswormsandothershi @manners-maketh-taron @livingincompletesilence@marvelmakeuplover @ohsosmutty@misspygmypie  @manners-maketh-a-kingsman@courtmr @baileythepenguin@thomaslefteyebrow @witchymarvelspacecase @samanthasmileys@nellietara @i-cant-remember-my-old-login @wheresmylightinthedark@kurtis-conner@hoe4dior @toky-9101 @mayaslifeinabox@fluentlyspeakingtreason @yallyallblanchett @whiskeylipsx@emmaelizabeth2014​ @primaba11erina @fightuntilyoucan @carlita2025 @rocknrollmadden

[punkscowardschampions]

Ali & Ronnie

Ali: [The day of but later] Ali: I convinced that man not to press charges or anything, the one that got involved Ali: so you don't need to worry about that Ronnie: wasnt Ronnie: tell someone who is Ali: 'course Ali: talking isn't the most useful thing for me to do right now so I'll pass Ronnie: go be useful then little girl Ali: I'm sorry he brought you Ali: that's fucked up Ronnie: course you are Ronnie: youre all well sorry now like Ali: For you, not myself, or ourselves Ronnie: no shit pity works with the rest of your brothers and sisters Ronnie: youre fucked up Ali: How so? Ronnie: show and tells over Ali: I hope it made you feel better Ronnie: bullshit Ronnie: none of you give a fuck how I feel Ali: yeah I do Ronnie: wheres it been Ali: you're meant to wait for the kid to make the first move, that's rule #1 Ronnie: if you wanna play by the rules Ali: so I've lost points, that's fine Ali: you don't want us to care, right? Ronnie: the way your family is im almost old enough to be your ma Ronnie: bit fucking late yeah Ali: You do have a solid decade on her, yeah Ali: I'm a late bloomer, clearly Ronnie: ill leave it to her to be proud Ali: a big ask, but I'll survive without Ronnie: like I said Ronnie: fucked Ali: Yeah, a fair bit Ali: nothing to shout about, or that hasn't been now Ronnie: you wanted a first move Ali: It was a choice Ronnie: nah Ronnie: a reaction Ali: That too Ali: like I said, hope it was what you needed it to be? Ronnie: ask him Ali: you just did it for Joe? Ronnie: why else Ronnie: none of you mean shit to me Ali: but he does, yeah Ronnie: connect the dots Ronnie: I bothered to carve each one out Ali: I can tell he loves you Ali: do you love him Ronnie: hes that fucking soft Ali: you do Ali: alright, that's something Ronnie: fuck you youve known him all your life and you dont Ronnie: theres no telling me how I feel Ali: I don't know him or I don't love him? Ronnie: have it both ways Ronnie: he tells it either way Ali: I probably don't know him now Ali: I'll allow that Ali: that's how he wants it so you don't have to defend him like I'm saying I do Ali: or that I'll force it, when he's been so clear Ronnie: hes the last person I can be arsed to defend Ronnie: but no shit he gets everything he wants Ali: What were you after Ali: we disown him Ali: or strongarm him into rehab and therapy Ronnie: yeah Ive got everything crossed for sobriety Ronnie: fucks sake Ali: disowning then, he's done it to us Ali: it won't happen the other way 'round, sorry to say Ronnie: give him your fucking sorry Ronnie: he was the one begging me to ruin it all Ali: close enough that he should still be happy Ali: I'm not sorry for him Ali: I already said, he shouldn't have used you like that Ronnie: thats what happens theres no fucking 💘 and 🥀 Ali: no one deserves that Ronnie: I am no one Ali: You aren't Ali: don't have to be Ronnie: people like their junkies part time or useful or repentant Ronnie: fuck that Ali: that's not your whole gig Ronnie: you don't know shit Ronnie: youre not under my skin or in my head Ali: I know enough to know that's bullshit Ali: if anyone was just their addictions and vices, you wouldn't need them Ronnie: yeah youre the smart one Ronnie: he told me Ali: He's the one at the fancy arts school Ali: how does he reconcile that with being the junkie one Ronnie: youre 16 theres no uni thatd take you yet Ronnie: happy birthday for whenever the fuck it was Ali: Thanks Ali: about a month ago Ali: extend the invite next time Ronnie: dont Ronnie: I wont show Ali: you haven't heard how great my parties are yet Ronnie: I aint a childrens entertainer Ali: be cool if you were Ali: have a heart attack when you showed up Ronnie: next time I need a few quid ill try and remember Ronnie: make you proud of me Ali: probably leave that to Joe, and your friends and fam Ali: but I know how to make balloon animals so hmu Ronnie: course you do Ronnie: youre the target market for hippy crack Ali: awh Ali: how true Ronnie: no shit Ronnie: how long you been in the youngest ones adhd meds Ali: not really my thing Ali: need to calm my brain, not stimulate it harder Ronnie: 💔 Ali: how'd you know about that Ali: doesn't seem like the sort of pillowtalk he'd be about Ronnie: i was in care i know what an kid with adhd looks like Ronnie: and theyve tried to diagnose me as everything but a west little bastard Ali: he's shit scared right now Ronnie: be fucked if he werent Ali: yeah Ali: he doesn't really know Joe Ali: was like 4 when he went to Uni so Ali: proper boogeyman shit Ronnie: mckenna will love that Ronnie: real boner for the misery Ali: someone should get something out of it Ali: he can pay for his therapy later Ali: more meds, whatever Ronnie: ill tell him to put in his will Ali: try not to die Ronnie: itd be the ultimate misery boner Ronnie: why should he stop getting what he wants now Ali: yeah, you do love him Ali: but hate him too Ronnie: 💘🥀 Ali: Is he worth it? Ronnie: youre describing freckles and the princess you know that yeah Ronnie: me and her dont share every dysfunction Ali: Nah, they don't hate each other Ali: loads of other stuff, people Ali: very them vs everyone Ronnie: she hates that she needs him Ronnie: that he makes her soft Ronnie: close enough Ali: You reckon? Ali: Hmm Ronnie: first rule of tortured kids club Ali: it's why she loves him too Ali: you'd understand if her sister had been there Ali: she's got no one to make her soft, I tried but Ronnie: gutted she werent there then Ali: you wouldn't like her any more than she'd like you Ali: it'd be fitting, but no fun Ronnie: thats the fun Ronnie: I hate you all Ali: I see the appeal Ronnie: have a go Ronnie: hate me Ali: I see your appeal Ali: why would I hate you? Ali: Fraze does and he's having the least fun of all Ronnie: you see what you fucking wanna Ronnie: youd have to know me to know if I had any appeal Ali: Then I'm a spoilt hippy brat, as you like it Ali: you'd have to do worse for me to hate you Ali: not my MO Ronnie: not wasting another flight on it Ronnie: kill your own ma Ali: then I'm good for it Ali: sorry again Ali: you did what you set out to do, making me 💔 wasn't part of it Ronnie: stop fucking apologising Ali: it offends you? Ronnie: I did what mckenna cant do for his fucking self being a useless pussy from cradle to grave Ronnie: he is under my skin and in my veins like it or not Ali: yeah, and my apology is worth a damn when you've got problems that big Ali: alright, I won't say it no more Ronnie: if it was for me Id have done it at 10 14 fucking 18 even Ali: 'course, you got fucked over at birth Ali: no other straws needed Ali: his is more of a slowburn of bullshit Ronnie: yeah Ali: I don't know what he's told you, or how much you care about it Ali: but they've always been like it, Fraze too Ali: we have no idea and they went through so much more Ali: but Joe's only got 5 on me, so that says all you really need to know Ronnie: thats lads for you Ronnie: cant handle any pain unless they glorify it Ali: or co-opt it Ali: if you don't wanna be like them, tell him to get his own Ronnie: Im not like them thats why he likes me Ronnie: it aint my winning smile Ronnie: helps that I look like you and your ma course hes that sick Ali: He's hated them both ever since Bea came around, then when we moved her, like it was for her Ali: he's spoilt, like you said Ali: but I really think he is sick, too Ronnie: no shit Ronnie: were both sick Ali: yeah Ali: maybe you'll wanna get help someday Ronnie: for what Ronnie: theres no happy ever after here Ali: to not be sick Ronnie: nice try little girl Ronnie: not gonna get cured Ali: yeah, well has to seem better than sick Ali: that's a big ask Ali: I can't imagine not getting to do the drugs I do, and that's everyone Ronnie: it's like being in a relationship yeah sometimes it makes you feel good sometimes it dont Ronnie: cant fix shit though Ronnie: the rots too deep and its already set in Ronnie: long before I took a hit Ali: That's medication for you Ronnie: thats pain for you Ali: Yeah Ronnie: if I cant cut it out Ill cut her out of me Ronnie: her face outta mine Ali: It's DNA Ali: everything and nothing Ronnie: if she's in my blood ill spill it all Ronnie: theres fuck all point keeping it on the inside Ali: It's a waste of you Ali: the you that ain't her Ronnie: I am the waste Ronnie: ive had enough kids scraped out of me it aint hard Ali: She believed in the happily ever after you don't Ali: more fool her Ronnie: she got it Ali: she wanted it with you Ronnie: bullshit Ali: She did, she loved your biological dad, basically as many years as she'd been about Ali: she didn't just not get an abortion because she was scared Ronnie: she wanted it with him then Ronnie: I was along for the ride til I got dumped out Ronnie: if she wanted me id fucking be there Ali: she could've tried Ali: yeah Ali: you would've got taken away though Ronnie: so what Ali: just that, she wasn't allowed to keep you, she was a 14 year old with no parent, they'd have separated you and put you into different care homes Ali: happened to her friend Ronnie: I was a 14 year old with no parents either Ronnie: and a 4 year old Ronnie: 4 months Ronnie: however the fuck far back you wanna go Ronnie: I still found ways to get shit that I wanted Ali: Yeah, I know Ali: you had enough to eat and a bed with a roof over your head Ali: you wouldn't have if you'd had her, if that was even possible, somehow Ronnie: no I fucking didnt Ronnie: not always Ali: if you were in a home Ali: more than a squat where no fucker pays the bills or gets groceries over smack, you know the situation Ronnie: I know it helps her sleep at night Ronnie: this story Ali: you don't have to add it to your narrative if it fucks with your peace Ali: ask Joe Ali: if he reckons he remembers everything back in Liverpool, he'll remember Ronnie: I dont need to ask him cos his story is that she blinked and her life was so fucking sorted that she pushed a shit ton more kids out Ronnie: where the fuck was I Ronnie: nowhere Ronnie: youre my fucking replacement is why Ali: she could've got you when she got Bea and Ro Ali: I don't know how old you were then, 13? Ali: they might've said she was sorted enough, maybe Ali: it was more, this girl has been abused and you're a friend she trusts who is willing to foster her so let's shove her at you and get her out, it wasn't happy families Ronnie: no need when theres already loads of shiny white kids to mother and 2 less shiny to play saviour too Ali: I could ask Ali: I was a toddler, and it wasn't my bedtime story too, believe it or nah Ronnie: luck of the irish Ali: I'll take 50% Ronnie: her sob story is as fucking useless to me as mckennas misery boners are Ali: 💔 Ali: very convincing performance in that case Ronnie: fuck you Ali: why Ronnie: if you have to ask youre not listening Ali: I meant the part where you necked on with him Ronnie: why not Ali: 'cos his boners are a letdown, obvs Ronnie: I dont need him to make me feel good Ronnie: and he fucking wishes he could do as good of a job as the shit that does Ali: thank God Ronnie: he wanted the shock factor thats me baby Ali: assumed that was his intention Ali: he stopped showing up as himself ages ago though, that was, not more shocking but impactful, let's say Ali: if he wasn't so obviously out of it, he might've known that we knew Ronnie: he wanted to stop showing up full stop Ronnie: til he gets shipped back in a ⚰ Ronnie: and reckoned thatd be the final nail for you all us fucking Ali: and us younger ones are dramatic, hilarious Ali: who doesn't want to get away from home? Ali: Tommy has been since he was 11, Bea went to Cambridge, Ro will too, Fraze only didn't because Bea told him he wasn't allowed to follow her Ali: I'm planning on Singapore, myself Ronnie: hes too pussy to handle being away from me Ronnie: or what I get like when he isnt in my fucking face Ronnie: that bit wasnt about you lot as much like Ali: it's how it goes Ali: that's why people get knocked up, get married, get fabulous careers, so you can have an excuse for why you can't make this weekend, will try to pop in for this event but end up just sending a card Ali: it's weird it's you, of course, you're both sick, duh, but look at it objectively Ali: it's your version of 2.4 kids and a dog Ronnie: he dont want me to slit my own throat or anyone elses but his more fool him Ronnie: cant knock me up or marry me thank christ Ronnie: I like that the dog is smack thats well poetic Ali: I'll have a go at writing it Ali: if you want a null and void illegal wedding too, I'll write those vows and all Ronnie: ill stick it in a song if you want better than happy birthday Ronnie: fuck that i belong to no one Ronnie: theres loads more fun illegal shit to do Ali: you write songs too? Ali: just don't let Joe play cello on it Ali: if depression had a 🎵 Ronnie: id lose money if i begged with him Ronnie: fucking hell Ronnie: looks pathetic enough but thats all Ali: very child actor vibes, or rockstar's kid Ali: you had it all and you pissed it all the wall Ali: not here's a couple of quid for a warm cup of coffee and a sarnie, no Ronnie: i can see his face hearing that Ronnie: id have to take a brick to it Ali: yeah, he probably hates me Ali: not as much as Fraze, didn't have the toddler clout to make us move to Dublin, bit rude Ronnie: you're in his way Ali: of what Ronnie: 💉 Ali: that's his hangup Ali: like I said, no one is forcing him to do shit here Ali: guilt's part and parcel of 💚 and 💉 ain't it Ronnie: youre not telling me shit I dont know Ronnie: hes the one shitting himself hes gonna get chucked in rehab Ronnie: nobodys coming to take me nowhere Ali: I get it Ali: she's shit at turning up Ali: tell her to work on it Ronnie: do what you want Ronnie: far as sisterly advice what ive got is dont ask me for a shot unless youre after a habit Ali: lecturing ain't my gig rn, she loves a bit of it so honestly no need when her 🧠 will be full of the 💔 Ali: cheers, I'll stick to the just saying no of it all Ronnie: get the money up front when you are gigging Ronnie: and take care of the kid when you aint Ali: I will, I do Ali: he's got a few years to grow before I'm going anywhere Ronnie: yeah Ali: and my wife might stay and they're best friends Ronnie: she was the one trying to rival us for most high Ali: ✌💚💉 Ali: it was a party before you walked in Ali: which I'm aware was very much the idea Ali: can I give you a tattoo I'm good Ronnie: go ahead Ronnie: not gonna be here long like Ali: where do you wanna meet, my rig is way portable Ronnie: [a place nearby wherever they are cos god knows but I doubt Joe wants to see Ali and she aint gonna tell him that's where she's going LOL] Ali: 👍 Ali: about 25 on my 🚲 Ronnie: reckon i can stay alive til then

[purtyyp]

Acrimony p1

Niggas will make you go there and they won't even care, they say all these good things and make you fall in love with them, give you the best sex you've ever had, made you scream to the heavens and then boom just when you want to move forward with the relationship he drops a bomb on you that he’s been making behind your back. You can forgive him or leave but you love him so you stay, outside people looking in who cant feel your emotions sharing there unwanted opinions that you asked for but it's not something that you want to hear, but you stay. 

He apologizes you feel like you believe him and then boom another bomb and it's just like wow the seasoned hasn't even changed yet and your still making these bombs behind my back? now at this point your fed up. You sing Fantasia’s Free Yourself and make him get out of your life and after you let him have it and express how you dont deserve his cheating, lying, and unfaithfulness... he starts to cry and begs for you to let him stay. Now you feel bad, But he made you feel worse when he was smiling in your face making that bomb. So you stand your ground and make him leave. 

A couple days go by and of course, you miss him. He text and calls you from time to time wanting you two to get back together. Maybe he’s learned his lesson? After a night of I Miss You Sex, everything is going great. Spending time together, being happy, taking pictures, He did learn his lesson after all... right? Its Monday and haven't heard from him, Tuesday and still no message or no calls, Wednesday, then Thursday, but Friday comes, and you're just scrolling on your timeline and finally see him - and her.

Maybe this is a cousin or an old friend. It cant be a girlfriend because you're his girlfriend right? “Happy Birthday to the love of my life for 1 year”  Wow another bomb its unbelievable. You want to cry but all you can feel is RAGE like really? the audacity of him to treat you like your nothing like who the fuck does he think he is?! You gave this fool everything when you had nothing, you believed in him when no one else did, and he gonna cheat on you with a bitch who can't even do half of what you can? really wow alright.

You cuss his ass out left from right and don't let him hang up on you because you know where he works and you can set it off in that mothafucka. TUH! He thought he could disrespect you and get away with it. oh please. and if he gets you kicked out of the store, You have a brick and a golf club ready to fuck his car up! He thinks you playin?  and if the police come you can get bailed out and you'll see him in court bitch. You telling his mama what he did to you, she should be ashamed for raising him to be a liar, a deceiver, and an unloyal bastard. 

Now he’s telling everyone he has no idea why you are acting the way you are. REALLY?!? now he wants to play dumb? okay so since he wants to humiliate you, let's talk about how he was broke as a joke and you were the one to make sure he ate like you was his mama or something. oh now you're a bitch, well that makes two of us then. A happy birthday post to his girlfriend. Oh he ook this hoe out to eat? where is my meal? where is my date? where is my I love you? huh? He owes you. He owes you this. You gave him your last when you had nothing and in return you just get his ass to kiss? what? oh no. no no no no hell no. You can't go out like this. not at all. You run into him at the store and you let him have it. 

but how can you hate this man? he’s so beautiful and all the memories you had with him play like a movie in your head. you cry. you cry while punching him. He holds your arms and tells you to calm down. Why? why did he do this to you? he couldnt even properly break up with you. If he didnt want to be with you anymore thats all he had to say. He says that he still loves you, and that he didnt want to hurt you and that he didnt know what he wanted. He’s lying. this bitch is lying. THIS LYING FUCKING BASTARD. we are not in middle school or high school. he doesnt need a how to book on how to be a man. I guess you hurt his feelings. He says “ I dont know why your mad,  its not like you was ever my girl” what?

Thinking about it. where you really? for 3 years he never posted you. If we went somewhere it was out of the city. You was his secret. His secret caretaker. His secret bank account, his secret hotel. His secret hoe. How dumb could you be? how did you not catch this? You could get angry because you feel rage but it's more hurt now. you feel the pain in your heart. You feel him ripping your heart out and stomping it on the ground right in front of you. You know he doesn't care so go home.

It's over now. you've lost this fight. you lost when it first began. Now you have a charge, a crazy reputation, a broken heart, a lost of trust and feeling of betrayal, and the word stupid written on your forehead; and who’s to blame? 

[sa1fisher-moved]

i wasnt tagged to do this but im bored

What was your last

Drink: red bull.. Last phone call: my dad Last text: my friend group server, but my last actual phone text thing is to my dad Last song you listened to:  some breaking benjamin song Last time you cried: like last week over some stupid nonsense Have you ever dated someone: i currently am Been cheated on: i dont know.. GHFDh before kenny, my relationships usually lasted like 2 days bc i never liked the guy Kissed someone and regretted it: i havent kissed anyone before (besides the time when i was like 6 years old . but thats just cringe kid stuff) Lost someone special: i guess so. im still really upset by one of my close friends leaving unexpectedly without a proper goodbye Been drunk and thrown up: no List three fave colors: pink, light blue, purple

In the last year have you…

Made a new friend: yes! Fallen out of love: no Laughed until you cried: yeah, throwback to when my boyfriend was high on voice call and i deafened him and he didnt realize and kept singing along to that mpreg reigen tobuscus mspaint video Met someone that changed you: hm... i dont know Found out who your true friends are: yes! though like i have known that since we’ve been together since middle/high school. and my new friends ive met this year are pretty epic Found out someone was talking about you: i mean. im sure people talk about me Kissed someone on your FB friends list: uh No

General:

How many people on your FB friends list do you know irl: like all of them Do you have any pets: 2 cats! Do you want to change your name: yeah a little bit What did you do for your last birthday: me and my friends hung out at my aunts house and swam in her pool! then we went to starbucks afterwards What time did you wake up today: 3pm for work What were you doing at midnight last night: i was watching a cringey show. Name something you CANNOT wait for: pokemon swsh and animal crossing! Last time you saw your mother: like ... a month or 2 ago? i cant remember. i rarely see her What is one thing you wish you could change about life: i wish i was happier i guess What are you listening to right now: silence Have you ever talked to a person with the name Tom: yes. we shared a bus stop in high school and he always smoked weed while we waited. and one day he came over to my house and offered me and my friends poptarts and muffins. What’s getting on your nerves: uh tumblr, my job, a lot of things bc im a prickly bastard Most visited website: tumblr, youtube, discord if that counts Nickname: i dont have any nicknames besides my boyfriend calling me “honey” and “dear” and “babe” NJGKBVF

Relationship status: taken! Zodiac sign: leo Pronouns: he / him Fave tv shows: god. i have no idea. i havent been watching any shows . Hair color: brown Long or short: short Height: 5′6ft Do you have a crush on someone: my boyfriend O_O also larry johnson What do you like about yourself: idk.... i guess my art isnt too bad Tattoos: none but it would be cool to get some Righty or Lefty: right First surgery: ive had no surgery First piercing: none, but piercings would be cool if i wasnt afraid of needles First best friend: we've known each other since kindergarten but we dont talk as much anymore since we have NOTHING in common now. we still keep in contact on facebook, like commenting and liking each others pictures First sport you joined: soccer. i wasnt any good at it though First pair of trainers: what

Right now

Eating: nothing but i did eat a sub sandwich an hour ago Drinking: red bull Listening to: nothing Want kids: no Career: i wanna be a concept artist and video game designer so bad but i’ll doubt thatll ever happen. im not sure where to start

Which is better:

Lips or eyes: eyes Hugs or kissed: hugs Shorter or taller: shorter Romantic or spontaneous: idk... spontaneous maybe? Nice stomach or nice arms: both. Sensitive or loud: what Hook up or relationship: relationship Troublemaker or hesitant: kennys facking. both.

Have you ever:

Kissed a stranger: no Drank hard liquor: yeah, like once Lost glasses/contacts: yes Sex on a first date: no Broke someone’s heart: yes :( Had your own heart broken: yes but it wasnt from romantic stuff Been arrested: no Turned someone down: yes Cried when someone died: yeah when my birthdad died NJGKFS Fallen for a friend: looks at kenny

Do you believe in:

Yourself: i try to Miracles: not really Love at first sight: nah Santa Claus: when i was like 2 yeah Kiss on the first date: well. it sure can happen Angels: angels are a cool concept but i dont believe they exist

im tagging @eboysal @crgnoir @travphelps @keelloowa @kianhasfun @flwrmouth you guys dont have to do this if u dont wanna

[bastardguy]

i wanna bbe held,,, ii wanna hold someone,, i used to just imagine twoofmyocswhodatedcuddlingdbyys before i was in a relationship and, while ive forced my head to stop automatically defaulting to him i just can't imagine anyone else anymore. which is normal, i suppose. im, im over sharing aren't i shuhsbusyb

hugging ny blanket and playing someone else talking feels satisfying so ill,, just keep doing that. oh yea ive been, finding it easier to sleep on nights with many bad thoughts by playing technoblade videos in the background VYHB YVYB

it's because he rarely raises his voice, believe me ive tried like,, a podcast before and everytime this one dude laughed his mic just fucking explodes and i get waken up. but yes, technoblade a good, he also constantly rambles on and on which i like since there's.. no silence for my brain to burst in.

of course my mind can still drift off to bad places on its own, but then when i realise i focus on lig man's voice again and it helps.

.. i remember on our sleepcalls back then, whenever he made q noise moving around my heart would just leap with serotonin. i smiled a lot. talking to him.

i wish things could go back to the way they were but i know that isn't possible, he'll find someone else better and more fun, someone's else he'll cherish forever. especially now that i fucked everything up. im so stupidly impulsive, i thought i was self aware enough to not do stupid things but apparently not, i keep messing up, but at least now im not going to mess up again.

i really, wanted to give him something for christmas, its funny i, was working in something for halloween for him just as he broke up with me ysbvysnj. haha, ow. i should really leave him alone now while i still want to draw him gifts for christmas and,, his birthday, i feel like even by January he still wouldn't want to talk to me, i feel like i wouldn't have gotten over him at that point either. i feel like he's lost trust in me, i cant blame him, im way too paranoid for my own good ahahhaha.

fu,, ck. its stupid i know i know,, to go off of him right now, there's parts of me that's frustrated and parts that's glad he chose what's best for him then there's, the selfish hurting part that wishes i couldve been better, that things didn't turn out the way it did, the hopeful part i, don't want at all.

why did he promise, so many things and why did i beleive him, fuck.

i feel empty just typing it out man, i keep, remembering all the things he did that made me so happy i could cry and j, just, fuck. fuck it all.

i feel like ive said this too many times before, buy i wish i made him as happy as he made me. why,, did everything go this way. it sucks, fuck. im so selfish man, i keep wanting him back when i know that won't happen, when i know it'll just make him uncomfortable if i keep going on about it. that's why im here, writing this where he wont,, see it, because if i dont get these thoughts out theyll eat me up from the inside. is it me trying to be nicer to myself? i dont know, i just want to feel better and move on already. there's still a part of me that's hopeful but im trying to dash that hipe out, to just, kick it into the distance.

i just want to love someone who loves me just as much, man. i dont know, im a selfish bastard. i haven't drawn in ages.

i really, hope he doesn't hate me. i hate my brain, i can't tell what's self reflection or hatred anymore. i just, i don't know, i don't know what i want. i dont know.

[imyourforeverbestfriendarmygurl]

Manila 2020

It all started way back when I was still in Canada buying my ticket to the Philippines, this time I'm letting him know that I'm going home to see if theres a difference and there is. I felt everything, He's more engaged, He's more excited,plus everytime I ask him if he can come with me he's saying yes. I couldn't believe it like I ask myself "is this real?" Like he never said yes to me before I mean not all the time/ not like this time, I felt he's a different person (in a goodway) I messaged him and told him I'm leaving Canada and guess what happened next? Yeah that's right he vidchat me to make sure the thing is he vidchat me when I'm legit on plane and about to take off :

See the plane seats.. he told me that he's coming with my brother to fetch me in the airport.. I was like whoaw wait?are you sick or what? Idk what gotten into him for him to fetch me.. of course I am happy who wouldn't be, I was just shookt cant even comprehend that, like I just couldn't believe him? Fetching me? Like he's a busy person he always prioritize work over me but this time he's actually adjusting his schedules just to see me/ fetch me Idk anymore really at 1st like I said I couldn't believe it so I'm like nope not gonna happen, impossible, he's prolly gonna find ways to back out, he wouldn't do that for me.. like why would he?you know.. until I landed and my sis in law (brothers wife) called me to say "sorry He can't make it..It's just us" (bro's fam) I felt a bit sad but I kind of knew it so I said "okay" and she's like "huh? No not okay!!hahaha" then I told her gtg and get my luggage..when I got it went out and the 1st thing I saw was Him.. I just legitimately wanna cry at that point but pretended not to because brah I was with my brother I'm so shy.. I didn't even get to hug him AGAIN..uuuggghh..

We took pictures, story time in the car and had breakfast at Jollibee

It was too early for him I don't think he slept the night before because a confession has been made and she told me that He went at my place too early than expected and my flight was kinda delayed. It was fun seeing him and everyone else we went straight back home because he needed to go to work at 12 I guess, so he spent couple hours with me before he actually go back and go to work, we've planned to see each other the next day so he's messaging me what's gonna happen. The next day I woke up so early super excited because were going somewhere together just us, were going on a Beach celebrating his birthday, it's the 1st time I will be with him the night before his birthday and I'm actually with him the 1st couple minutes of the time. When we were there I was amazed by the fact that it was so beautiful and that I'm just ready to dive in. At first when I was booking it he said he wanted to be with someone not just me and I said okay we can make it work.. the room is for 3 persons anyway but it end up just the 2 of us. I was kinda happy, you know I'm always happy whenever I'm with him tbh, our 1st selfie on location:

Then food came in we had to eat lunch first cause we starving lol :

Then went to the room to change swim clothes and swim

We've talked about a lot of stuff but mainly Family stuff like he would always ask me about my family like who's who or which is which and the whole conversation was just like that I was like in my head wondering why he wanted to know? Like is it normal? Idk but I'm sharing anyway just so we cud talk about something, hopefully he remembers lol anyway it's getting dark and we've decided to have dinner, Amana show you my favorite photo of the whole thing lol there you go:

I don't know how it turned out.. but it turned out so good that people commenting congratulations when I uploaded it in on FB idk how but yeah like I said the 1st time I saw this I was like "boiii this so good..how??" It's like the photo says it all you know what I mean? This photo is actually speaking to you idk man I'm crazy lol we just had dinner and I felt crazy like literally lol it's so funny because it wasn't planned to put candles in there but the light keeps shutting off so the waiter decided to put candles in and plus thanks to the waiter who took the photo gosh I bet he felt kilig too lol just kidding..in that moment I thought he's gonna say what I wanted to hear but nope..(different story) we were still talking about some serious stuff which we never do when we were together so I'm still happy we're in that level lol..like you can talk about anything, I just get shy sometimes also when its literally personal and I had to look in his eyes then I can't share and I won't share because low self esteem hits brah..lol after that we had a food coma and went to bed, I wanted to wait till it's 12am To greet him but the bastard fell asleep saying "I'm not used to celebrating my birthday, I'm just happy like this" the end.

[familyagrestefanblog]

Those are excellent points! Unfortunately for Adrien, I too am highly suspicious of Emilie and I expect her to be a complex and morally grey character, at least.

Let me add one of my specific thoughts to this post:

One of the things that bug me the most about Emilie is the simple fact that she married Gabriel (The shows main antagonist and supervillain bastard) and had a child with him! While it is true that Adrien, in “the bubbler”, said this

Meaning that after Gabriel had to hide her in the basement (...wth guys???) he did change for the worse

BUT

Even with a dark secret like that, no person turns into such a controlling, neglectful and ruthless person out of nowhere. It may be different from before but the tendencies were already there. And actually it is Adrien once again who provides us with proof in the very same episode by confirming that Gabriel has always been a kill joy, controlling and aloof.

And thats the thing. Emilie fell IN LOVE with this Gabriel, married him and raised a child with him! And the way Gabriel thinks so fondly of even her temper and how Adrien is willing to be there, forgive and move on with the “worse” parent, they seem to have led a happy marriage until she dissapeared. Meaning, they fit together very well personality-, attitude and believe-wise. They were equals the same way Sabine and Tom are and loved each other. So it seems that Emilie loved Gabriel despite knowing some of his bad tendencies, which lets me believe that Emilie had some herself or even shared some with her husband.

In the english version Adrien also says something about his father getting him the same pen as a birthday present for three years in a row but in the french original Adrien actually says that Gabriel has been forgetting his birthday for YEARS!

I’ll always go with french as canon bu no matter which one you choose to believe as fact, BOTH of them not only tell us a great deal about how much of an awful father Gabriel was/is, but they also raise one important question:

Why did Emilie let Gabriel treat Adrien like that?

I certainly have no intention on blaming all of Gabriels wrong doings on Emilie, by god hell no! But the simple fact still stands that both Gabriel AND EMILIE kept Adrien away from the world his entire life. As stated in the original statment, Emilie had to have had agreed with the isolating way Adrien was raised or else she would have fought for his freedom but always lost and that would mean that 1. Adriens home was often full of parental fights and 2. that Gabriel was the sole “master of the house” to the degree that Emilie couldnt defend her young son in ANY WAY from him. Both of these are NOT supported by what canon tells us and I personally highly doubt that a show like “Miraculous” would pull such a sexist “submissive and powerless wife of a tyrant” stereotype on Emilies character, I just cant imagine it anyhow ( and really wish parts of fandom would stop picturing her like this. Jesus christ and these people dare to call the writers sexist and lazy! Anyway..). So yeah, Emilie was totally in on the parenting style and I even would say she was the one who recommented it in the first place, because, since Gabriel always seemed to have kept Adrien at distance, she would have been the one who toke care of Adrien the most and therefore did the actual parenting.

And this brings me back to my question why Emilie never stopped Gabriel and why it bugs me so much! Beside his friedship with Chloe, Adrien had to have been incredibly lonely growing up and especially in cases like this it should have had been Gabriels AND Emilies priority number 1 for Gabriel to be there and build a relationship with his lonely son (keep in mind that his busy job shouldnt have stopped him from being a decent father, Tom is a baker (a really busy and time investing job!) and is still an amazing father to Marinette! So “busy” is no excuse).And even if Gabriel didnt noticed that he was neglecting Adrien and kept him at distance, Emilie (as the involved and affectionate parent) should have noticed! But in all those years of isolating their one and only child this obviously strong headed and out spoken woman didnt made Gabriel get his shit together. Heck, in the french original Gabriel straight up didnt care for Adriens birthdays for YEARS and Emilie didnt do anything about it!

Man. The fact that Emilie (alongside her husband) not only caused Adriens lifelong isolation but also didnt stopped the grave seperation between her husband and son, really rubs me the wrong way. And I cant stop feeling that there is a reason for Emilies behaviour which will one day have a huge impact on the show

Mama Agreste not as nice as we think?

Weiterlesen

[current-lesbian-obsession]

My Soulmate is Gay, Now What?

I met him during freshman year in college. He is one of the few male students in my class since Nursing Course is dominated by female students. He looked so foreign, has bushy eyebrows, great sense of humor, smart and artistic. The only problem is the acne breakout.  But I saw him beyond his imperfections.

He had a huge crush on one of our classmate. She's a flight attendant now, so you could just imagine how beautiful she was and is. I never saw him with a girlfriend. He's too focused on his studies and his passions though I didn't really know what his passions are back then. It seemed that he's not interested in having a relationship before. We became close friends and even discovered that we both like the same things.

After we graduated college, we haven't seen each other for months. No contacts with each other at all. After one time we saw each other again during one of my trainings. We sometimes skipped the class and watch movies together. We even hang out at an organic restaurant and drink stuffs that we both like and talk about life and our future. We planned our future together - as friends.

That moment, I started falling for him. How could someone plan his future with me in it? Maybe, just maybe, he really wanted me in his future and has no plans of breaking this friendship. We might actually end up being together.

I left him again and decided to become a missionary. I had to stay in another island to train. But I didn't get to finish the training. Halfway through I realized that being a missionary isn't my calling. I'm called for something else.

So I went back to my hometown and searched for my own destiny.

I messaged my best friend if we could meet for a movie, just like the old times. He agreed. We met the following day and talked about everything. I updated him about my life and even shared to him how holy I was feeling at that moment. I shared my love for God with him and he shared his to me. We have different religions but that didn't stop us in becoming best of friends. We respect each others' beliefs and that just strengthened our relationship.

I told him I was going back to the neighboring island to get my things and I asked him if he could accompany me. He said yes right away and said that he can't wait to travel with me. It's our first travel together. He was excited, he joined me as I attended the worship service in one of my co-trainee's church. He's so friendly and even talked to my friends about anything under the sun. We even went to my training place and gathered my things and enjoyed the rest of the day and night at the city. We went to a club and danced and drink the night away. Well that's me - a missionary trainee who's also a party girl and an alcoholic. That explains why I never belonged to that place. We enjoyed that night and vowed to go back there, drunker and wilder.

We're both licensed nurses and we decided to pursue our careers. We took the entrance exam for one of the government hospitals in the city and both learned that we passed.

We started working on the same day, on the same hospital but different areas. I was assigned to the Emergency Room and he was assigned to the Medical Ward. Everytime our shifts would coincide, he would visit me in the ER during his break. We also meet up after work for hot chocolates, beers and burgers.

Months passed and we decided to further our dream getaways. Since we don't earn that much before, we save up our allowances and finally got enough for a trip to a neighboring island. Again.

I'm a t-shirt and pants kinda girl but this time, I decided to girl up. We took the first trip of the ferry and explored the island the whole day. I had so much fun spending the day with him. Until night-time came. We had a power nap and when it was 9pm, he told me that he would just step out for a bit to meet a friend. Well I didn't know that! I didnt know that he had a friend here. I waved it away thinking it's just someone not important. 11pm came and I decided to prepare for our night out. We haven't had our dinner yet and I was starving. I put on this dress and heels and thought 'I looked okay'. It's my first time to wear a dress on a night out and im kinda nervous. Oh, and did i mention it was his birthday? Yeah, an hour away from his 24th birthday. I waited, took pictures of myself and admired myself. I never dressed up for a guy before. I waited for an hour more. He arrived 10 minutes after 12. I wasn't feeling it anymore but I don't want to ruin the night for him. So I pretended that im still excited. He asked for an apology for coming back later than what he told me. I waved it off and told him that it doesn't matter. We took a taxi, had our expensive dinner in a semi fine diner and went to the same club that we went to the first time we were here. I wanted to get drunk, but I cant focus too well because im not comfortable with my dress.

We had some beer, since we are in our beer-lovin' days. We had a couple of bottles but that doesn't knocked us up. Remember, the goal for this day is to be drunker and wilder.

He loves tequila, so I told him ill pay for his tequila shots. It's way too expensive but I saved up for this. He had like 4 shots of tequila and i had 2 and we ordered some more beer. He's totally drunk now. And im a little bit tipsy at the moment. Someone has got to be sober enough if we wanted to survive the night.

We abandoned our seats and invaded the dance floor. We danced and jumped and screamed and laughed! We are enjoying the night! Until 2 guys decided to position themselves behind me and started grinding me. So I told my best friend if we could switch places. He grabbed me by my waist and that's the most intimate thing that he did to me. I was over the moon. Until...

The guy started to grind on him. And he seemed to enjoy it. And I was shocked. The other guy talked to me and offered me a drink while the other is busy grinding on my best friend. I understood that he was drunk but damn, man! I was planning to marry this guy someday and he ended up being gay! They didn't do anything 'wrong' but they exchanged numbers. My entire dream ended right then and there.

I convinced him to go home. And instead of taking a taxi back to the hotel, we opted to walk to sober up. He's obviously drunk. He keeps on telling me that he really enjoyed what happened tonight. We passed by a big bridge which he decided to climb the railings and walk there drunk! One slip and he'll fall to his death. I gripped so hard on his ankles and I sobered up 100%. Because i thought he's going to die. I managed to convince him to come down and walk on the pavement. He's walking in a criss-cross line. He's happy, so that made me happy too in a sense. We passed by Jollibee and ordered some meal coz the drinking, the dancing, the grinding made us famished. We walk for over 30 minutes and finally we manage to arrive at our hotel safe and sound. When we arrived at the hotel, he dropped right away to the bed and slept. I removed his shoes and fixed him on the bed. He checked his phone and told me that the guy who was grinding both od us earlier is asking him if he could join us in our hotel. That fcking bastard! I told him to put down his phone and delete his number. I don't know of he did that though.

Before we went home the next day, we had some hot drinks to deal with our hangover. He's like a broken record saying that he enjoyed last night and that he's hoping we could do it again.

Well that happened again and again but no more grinding happened. Instead, I met his so called-friend and he's a guy. He told me that he's like his best friend but only online. He confided in him, told him his secrets and that kinda made me jealous.

He used to meet up with me before my night shift. He would ask me for dinner, for a bottle of beer or a cup of coffee or chocolate just before my shift starts. I was secretly hoping that he would fall for me. He would tell me stuffs like "You are worth spending for.", "I'm at my happiest when im with you", and "I'd like to travel the world with you."

A year after that, he still never fell for me and I decided to work abroad. Away from him. We messaged each often the first few months im here and it just stopped. We'd ask each other how were we after a few weeks and the conversation just end abruptly. They say, if you love each other, you'll never ran out of things to say to each other. But we did. We just ran out of words to say to each other. The thought of him thinking of me is enough. It's just that maybe, everytime we contact each other, I will always remember what happened on his 24th birthday. And I remind myself that he'll never fall in love with me because he's in love with the same gender orientation as him.

I'm not judging him for that. But everytime I remember that, I had to nurse my broken heart all over again. I was never so sure in my life. I know from the moment I met him that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I saw forever the moment I met him. That's the feeling when you found your soulmate. But what if your soulmate is not who you think he is? What if that's all you get? Loving him from a distance? Supporting him while he loves someone else? Pretending to smile and happy for him when in fact your heart's been broken to pieces? I was able to do that. I never could've believed that I was able to do that. Listen to him while he told me stories how happy and contented he was (without me). I had to cry after a shared smile, laugh and nostalgia with him. At night, I reminisce all the moments that I thought were special for the both of us. I reminisce the moments when I thought he was falling for me. The drunk nights, the long walks along the city lights, the dinners under a starry sky, movies, music - all of that is purely friendship.

On Feb 2018, I decided to completely move on from him. To stop hoping that things will change between us. Because it's hopeless. Every now and then he would send me a message telling me that he wished I was there with him, enjoying UK together. But that's all there is. He missed the company but not me. I had to stop hoping if I wanted my heart to be whole again.

[mixeddoctor]

The Frozen River, The Wet Tears and a Need for Strength

So today was a hard day. One of the hardest in awhile. My birthday was Monday and he emailed me on the weekend. I hadn’t been able to sleep. In 2 days I had gotten maybe 5 hours. It’s the worst. I’ve always been able to just fall asleep. But now I don’t want to be alone with my thought. I hate to admit that I don’t feel safe with myself alone here. I don’t feel safe in my own mind. Music doesn’t help all the time because it allows too much space for thought. It doesn’t drown anything out. I usually have my Hulu on till i knock out now because I cant think if I’m listening to an episode. The only problem is.... it’s like I’m afraid to sleep. My body finally gets to sleep and I get up and I’m dead tired but my body just goes and I don’t know where the energy comes from. Anyway, I hadn’t slept, I went to school, fell down the stairs on the way, and when I was leaving I got a call from a flower delivery person. I told them I wasn’t home and that I wouldn’t be for a few hours. I thought it was so nice of someone to send me flowers and then I realized that no one ever sends me flowers on my birthday except him (usually they are digital flowers because he never knew where I lived before then) and I asked who they were from and the delivery person said they just deliver so I couldn’t do anything. I got another call from another delivery person from edible arrangements but this time I asked who they were from and they told me it was him (going by my old nickname for him-bastard-that nickname was because he was one of the nicest people... or so I thought). I refused to accept them. I told the man to keep them or give them away because I refuse to accept them. Tat was before class. I felt like crap. The flowers at my door were gorgeous and I hated that I liked them. I hated that he could reach out and affect me in any way. I was angry that I told him not to contact me and he chose to disregard me. He sent it to my house! I kind of laughed it off but I told my 2 friends and my mom. One of my friends suggested I email him just saying to stop contacting me and that its the second time I asked because it needs to be documented in case I need to get a restraining order. I thought it was a good suggestion but decided I wouldn’t respond on my birthday. Couldn’t sleep again though. Had a long day at clinic and on my commute I wrote his email. I sent it to my girls to make sure it was appropriate. I got home and finally was able to sleep after not having slept for what seemed like forever. But I think I only slept 5 hours. I normally would have just slept through the night. And then I sent the email after an adjustment. And looked at my inbox and saw that his mother sent me birthday wishes. The woman is so sweet and in that moment I hated him for not telling her. He told me in one of his 6 or 7 unwanted emails that he had not had the heart to tell her what had happened and when she asked how I was doing he pretended not to hear her and went and cried. I was angry. Every correspondence he sent me either addressed me by an old nickname or like we were still on friendly terms. And then 1/2 of them, maybe more, described what HE was going through. How devastated HE was. His random bouts of crying. Missing me every day. I hated it! Why does he make it sound like HE’S the victim? He’s the victim of the consequences of his own fucking decision to take what I wouldn’t give him sober. An opportunity of a fucking lifetime I guess. And now hes hurt because I refuse to be in his life or have him in mine? Fuck you. FUCK YOU!!! SUCH A SELFISH ASSHOLE! He always prioritized what he wanted over what I wanted, needed, or what was in my best interest. And the worst thing is, if I’m honest, sometimes I’d feel bad for him, for what HE was going through but then I’d just get angry at myself and somehow the anger just allowed me to continue on. But back to his mom. I had met her in person and had helped her out via email and had spoken to her a few times on video chat while he was home or when she visited him. I felt like we had a cute little rapport. And she really is the sweetest woman. So as much as the email was so sweet, I decided in that moment she deserved to know why I wouldn’t be emailing or around after this correspondence. I felt it would be rude not to respond to her despite what her son did to me. So I responded. And then I had the balls he didn’t and told her, not graphically or angrily, but told her that after that email I wont be corresponding with anyone with any ties to him because after what he did it just is not good for my own emotional health and I apologized that the small relationship she and I developed had to suffer from his actions. I also def mentioned that I knows he taught him to be a man of integrity and good moral standing but he disregarded her teachings the night that he did what he did to me. I kind of felt apprehensive about sending it and then was just like screw it. I’m responding. I refuse to make myself look bad and I want to control what information she gets and make sure that he doesn’t claim “a night of drunken sex” or that I just stopped talking to him. I wanted to control what was said. Who was told. And that the truth was told. Maybe that’s a little of me trying to get my power back. A little of the control. Anyway... I sent them both after 1 am so I thought he’d be asleep especially because it’s the beginning of the semester so he has no reason to really be up late so he usually is in bed around midnight. His mom from what I know usually doesn’t sleep late. But know in retrospect, she may have been up and then woken his ass up because I got an email back at almost 3 am. 2:48am to be exact. And I read it. And he said that he never intended to be disrespectful with his correspondence... that he wanted to show that he still cared, that his existence in my life was not all about Sept 30th. That he wanted to be remembered as a man who loved and cared about me despite the fact that he raped me. I was impressed that he said the words. That he owned up to it. He also said he was beyond remorseful because remorse alone does not inspire change. He said that he was so used to sharing his emotions and personal things with me that he just wrote them. He said he wanted to help make my birthday special. And then he got angry because of something he interpreted as sarcastic. And he described how he has such a hard time because he cant just wipe me from his life easily and then implied that I’ve been able to wipe him away from my life and he said maybe I wish that he never existed and that maybe one day ill be able to purge him from my memory but he hopes not and that he hopes that I remember him as a friend who always wanted the best for me. That email fucked me over. I went to sleep trying to drown out my thoughts. Woke up and it was the first time that all I wanted to do was sleep (which happens to be early signs of depression for me) but I had grandrounds. And got out so I could get there on time. But I cried on my commute. Pretty much the whole way. On the bus. On the first train. On the second train. And when I got to the clinic, I went straight to the bathroom so I could just let it out and I must have cried for like 7 min. I had to hurry up and clean up because 1-I’m an ugly crier but 2-my eyes and nose get hella red and I didn’t want anyone to know. But I cried hard. I cried so hard. Because he makes me feel guilty. Like I am hurting him. Like I ruined a good person. And if I’m honest I was so confused at what I wanted to believe. If I believed him, could I still be angry? Was I petty to send that to his mother? Why can he even make me feel guilty? Why is HE the victim in this? Am I that terrible of a person? And then I remembered that I did love him- like he was my best friend. He was with me through med which has been so rough (but if I’m honest part of that has been rough because of him) and we had a very close relationship. Way too close but the attachment was real. And for him to do that to me. For him to take that from me. Because “[He] wanted [me] so bad”. Because he could. Because it was what he wanted. What he fantasized. Why do men who say they love me hurt me. My bio dad, many many of the previous people in my life. And why do I ruin and let down and destroy the good things (not even talking bout him but apart of me feels like he would never have done that had it not been me). Was it really me? Was it really my fault? I know he was wrong but did I push him that far? Why would he do it to me? God I feel dirty. and like a terrible person. I hate him! i Hate him! I hate him! I hate me too. I had so many plans today but I just wanted to lay in bed. I cooked so I kinda felt good but I just wanted to lay down and go to bed but I’M NOT SLEEPY~!!!! God this is not how I wanted to start off 27. I always thought something good would happen to me at 27. But if this is any indication, I’ll just be crying and shutting down. I couldn’t even get through this without breaking down multiple times. I really wanna disappear. I looked at the Potomac on the commute and other bodies of water that were frozen... and thought how that is such a good metaphor to how I feel. Cool and solid on the surface, but below still flowing current of emotions and that every email, every card, the flowers, and even my lack of sleep is like someone throwing a rock to crack the frozen surface. Some places are cracked all the way through until the next day when they freeze right back over. If I could just get through this year... I cant have this this year. Boards are coming up. I haven’t been able to bring myself to study. I just want to sleep and lay in bed and stare at my wall and cry and be buried in the bed. I got such a huge jump on work before class started and I was supposed to be done by yesterday and now its the end of today and I am not closer to where I need to be at all. There’s just more and more things that are piling up and I hate that this is happening. I hate that he is affecting me. I hate that I cant be stronger. Why cant I be stronger. Dear God, it doesn’t have to go away, but can I just please be a little stronger? Any strength sent my way would be greatly appreciated. Please. 

[punkscowardschampions]

Joe & Ronnie

Joe: Hi Joe: There's no gentle way of doing this, so I'll just get to it, I'm sorry if you don't want to talk about it but you're free to ignore this if that's the case Joe: but I've been looking for my half-sister, and I think its you Ronnie: if youre basing that on a family resemblance youve shot yourself in the face like Ronnie: reload & keep looking Joe: Yeah, I know Joe: but I ain't Joe: Aside from coming at you with what's on any facebook profile anyway Joe: do you know your biological mum's name or? Ronnie: whos used facebook in a decade thats your 1st fuck up Ronnie: 2nd to reckoning my dna is any of your business Joe: who's putting their date of birth and hometown anywhere else? Joe: you were born in [hospital] right? Ronnie: phone numbers on toilet walls getting played out Ronnie: yeah & Joe: then it is you Joe: everything adds up, you have the right birthday, right place, right last name, and first, still Ronnie: right colour Ronnie: miss me with your schoolboy maths Joe: its your bio dad that's black Ronnie: fuck you i know that Ronnie: read my file well before you stalked me Joe: so do you know her name or nah Ronnie: it was in there Joe: Tess Vickers Joe: she is your mum Ronnie: i came out of her Ronnie: shes not my fucking mum Ronnie: id know you if she was Joe: 'course Joe: that's what I meant Ronnie: pick your words more careful soft lad Joe: she don't have any more Joe: I ain't had to do this before, like Ronnie: made up for her Ronnie: & you Ronnie: only took her how many years to claim her bastards Joe: I don't know why she didn't, only what she's said Joe: but if you wanted to ask her, I could set that up Ronnie: if it took her a bit to recover from goin black i don't need to ask her about that Ronnie: got my own experiences cheers Joe: is there anything you do Ronnie: if i had any questions id have chucked 'em at her when i aged out Joe: fair enough Joe: you wanna ask me anything then Ronnie: you old enough to be cleaning out your mas skeletons & seein if theyll dance for you Joe: not what I'm doing Joe: but I'm 19 Ronnie: course she never kept herself stitched up for long Ronnie: got a taste for it like Joe: by all accounts she met my dad the same year she had to give you up so Ronnie: bet he was proper comforting Ronnie: fucking hell Joe: Must've been Ronnie: if she kept you longer than the hour yeah Joe: I've got 3 brothers and a sister too Ronnie: when did she meet their dads Joe: we've got the same, like Joe: youngest is nearly 5 Ronnie: shes still alive then Ronnie: impressive Joe: is it? Joe: suppose so Ronnie: he got cash your sperm donor Ronnie: less dangerous game that one Joe: they both do alright now but you'd probably aim higher if that was the game you were playing Ronnie: shifting gear aint no game now or back then Ronnie: but she was small time Ronnie: that hand to mouth shit Joe: yeah, for years Joe: her dad's debts not helping none Ronnie: hes gotta be dead Joe: yeah Joe: year I was born Joe: so new mouth to feed and inheriting the neverending debts of John Joe: must've seemed like a great time to have more 'cos my brother is only a year younger than me 👍 Ronnie: least you aint inherited his name Ronnie: like i said insatiable Joe: thank fuck Ronnie: piss poor addiction but fuck it Ronnie: shes keeping 'em fed & clothed this time 👏 Joe: gutted social don't hand out round of applauses no doubt Joe: know she is for a fact 'cos she ended up working for 'em, and fostering two poor kiddies in need Joe: what do you reckon to her addiction now? Ronnie: sounds about right theyd left her Ronnie: state of the cunts running that show Joe: mhmm Ronnie: white kids are easier to love Ronnie: its on the posters like Joe: in theory Joe: but this way she gets to be obsessed with you from afar Ronnie: pay me enough & ill come press my face longingly against her windows Joe: I'll keep it in mind for her birthday or something Ronnie: fuck all else you wanna rock my world with or what Joe: Hmm Joe: hold up whilst I trawl a lifetime of overshare for any more tidbits Ronnie: she aint rotting by the roadside or ashes i can snort means my hearts already broken Ronnie: take your time Joe: sorry to disappoint Joe: suppose by the time you got to your file, it told you she'd run away from Liverpool, yeah? Ronnie: bullshit are you Ronnie: youre loving having another cunt to share it with Ronnie: whats the matter dont your brothers & sister wanna play Joe: I'm the favourite Joe: favourite that's about Joe: they got the gist but no file for them Ronnie: 💔 Joe: you said Joe: so, what you saying, you care if I tell her I found you or what? Ronnie: if it feels good do it baby Ronnie: why would i care Ronnie: shes not gonna show up Joe: what if she did? Ronnie: no fixed address Joe: I've told you she loves a cause Joe: say you don't wanna see her Ronnie: shooting the messenger aint no kill shot Ronnie: youre not invested in me Joe: I'm not not, clearly Joe: I'm the one looking, ain't I Ronnie: let her look under every rock with you Ronnie: i hope one bashes her skull in Joe: alright Joe: I'll pass it on Ronnie: good boy Ronnie: get that sticker on your reward chart Joe: god I hope so Ronnie: 🙏 Joe: Your profile says you're in London, still true? Ronnie: i don't need you at my door either Joe: 🙄 Ronnie: roll your eyes at me again Joe: 🙄🙄 Ronnie: 🖕🖕 Joe: 😏 Ronnie: what the fuck do you want Joe: I've told you Ronnie: nah Ronnie: spit it out Ronnie: youre circling around it stop being a pussy Joe: how am I? Ronnie: what do you want for fucks sake Joe: meet you Ronnie: its not happening Joe: why not Ronnie: i hate that you exist Ronnie: that she got a 2nd chance & i didnt get 1 Joe: that's fair Joe: you can hate me in person Ronnie: i aint goin to prison for killing you Ronnie: you wish Joe: yeah Joe: oh well Ronnie: take your death wish home Ronnie: or on a different part of the internet Joe: awh, cheers for the sisterly advice Ronnie: shut your mouth Ronnie: i ain't your sister Joe: kk Ronnie: dumping all your bullshit on me dont make us related Joe: we are Joe: you not wanting it don't fight biology Ronnie: her not wanting me cancels it all out Joe: not to me Ronnie: i give a shit how you feel Ronnie: youre a stranger with fuck all i want Joe: you ain't checked what I've got Ronnie: until facebook adds income i dont care Joe: 💔 Ronnie: you must look like your da Ronnie: dont be Joe: well you look like her Joe: not that I've seen yours Ronnie: fuck off Ronnie: i dont Joe: yeah you do Joe: [sends pics] Ronnie: shut up Joe: alright Joe: catch you around then Ronnie: get it through your head Ronnie: you wont Joe: what you scared for Ronnie: youre having fun trying to mess me up Ronnie: that aint how i get mine Joe: I'm seriously not Joe: I've got the message though, alright Ronnie: youre seriously throwing all this shit at me like im gonna smile as i eat it Ronnie: what the fuck Joe: I don't expect fuck all Joe: I just wanna know you but if you don't then that's alright Joe: I won't message again Ronnie: bullshit Ronnie: you aint asked about me Ronnie: you wanna bitch about 'em Joe: that's why I wanna meet you Joe: I've thrown enough questions at you for one convo Ronnie: nah you wanna meet me to see if i proper look like her Joe: I've got eyes Ronnie: if thats what you reckon you see they dont fucking work Ronnie: get down the social & claim Joe: you're fine, its not dead ringer levels Ronnie: im fucking fine cause theres none of her in me Joe: I'm glad for you Ronnie: were not family save your lies Ronnie: i dont need any blows softened Joe: its only me bitching Ronnie: yeah Ronnie: & you can save your tears Ronnie: you already cant see fuck all like Joe: what do you want? Ronnie: too late to give a fuck Ronnie: youve shit over me with this Joe: I'm sorry Ronnie: nah Ronnie: sorry for yourself aint the same Joe: Why would I be sorry for me? Joe: I got everything Ronnie: not how youre framing it Joe: why would you believe me Ronnie: not hard to believe mummy dearest loves me best Ronnie: not like she dumped me fast as she could & legged it Joe: she weren't allowed to keep you, she was 14 with a junkie non-dad to look after you both Ronnie: & what she didnt get any older or get her shit together Ronnie: fuck that Joe: did you want her to come 'round and pick you up 4 years later? Ronnie: she had you cunts instead Joe: so she comes and gets you and the social come with and see the fake bailiffs and the bashed in door and we all go back with you Joe: I see the appeal Ronnie: you reckon i had it better Ronnie: thats what this nancy drew bullshit is about Joe: nice one, genius Joe: in what world is that adding up Ronnie: yours Ronnie: in what world would i have not gone with any cunt to get me out of that place then Joe: I'm telling you why she didn't get you, not telling you why you wouldn't wanna be there Ronnie: youre giving me both Ronnie: cant help yourself Joe: they're the same reason Joe: if she tried to get you, they'd say nah 'cos her life was a mess, simple as Ronnie: & yet here you are Ronnie: not a care kid a single day in your fucking life Ronnie: so like i said she got her shit together in the end Joe: she was 18 when I came around and we got taught how to say the right thing to socials and how to shut our mouths the rest Joe: but that's just what she told me Joe: she probably didn't want you, looking back Ronnie: why would she Ronnie: had a new set up with a cunt that stayed Ronnie: cuter kids Joe: 'cos she loved your da the way only a 14 year old girl can Joe: pro and a con in your favour Joe: does she want the reminders or does she not Ronnie: not Ronnie: youre the only pussy walking memory lane Ronnie: aint her looking Joe: yeah, s'me, so why you chatting at me like I'm the one that fucked you off Joe: not productive Ronnie: cause you are Joe: I've gone to leave loads now Joe: you've clearly got shit to say Joe: so just say it at me, I've already offered that n'all Ronnie: fuck you Ronnie: i didnt ask for this Ronnie: she was in the ground for all i knew Joe: she still can be Joe: I ain't telling Ronnie: nah you opened your gob & let all that shite out Ronnie: i couldve been about to slit my throat or pull a shift Joe: you could've easily found out she weren't dead yourself too Ronnie: what should it tell you that i didnt Joe: ignorance ain't such bliss I've tipped you over the edge Ronnie: you dont know shit Ronnie: how does yours feel Joe: how do you think Ronnie: i think you should ask if people have got time & space to spin out before you fuck with their heads Ronnie: i think you should go suck a dick mckenna Joe: why should I? Joe: no one asked me and I owe you shit Ronnie: she owes me Ronnie: youre nothing Ronnie: you dont see me knocking cause im not looking for answers & theres fuck all else to collect by the sounds of it Joe: then fucking collect Ronnie: talk to your ma like that Joe: hit me up when you stop being scared Ronnie: keep it up and ill smash in your face Joe: how Joe: you don't wanna meet Ronnie: dont flatter yourself nancy drew Ronnie: i can still kick your door in Ronnie: be like the baliffs are back Ronnie: you can revisit your childhood Joe: now who wants to go for a jaunt down memory lane Ronnie: you wish Joe: 🙏 Ronnie: i reckon your imaginary friends gotta be sick of your bullshit by now Joe: no doubt, nancy drew Ronnie: we cant both be nancy Joe: alright you be sid then Ronnie: still not gonna kill you baby Ronnie: but youre getting warmer Joe: I know, stalked you, remember Ronnie: get a hobby or habit mckenna Ronnie: your little misery boners aint cute Joe: oh I got plenty of thoses Joe: your concern is, kinda Ronnie: youve thrown me into the big sister deep end Ronnie: sounds like how you want it Joe: very obliging Ronnie: unloved kids get it where they can Ronnie: thats on the back of the poster Joe: trust, I know Ronnie: 💔 Joe: not me Joe: never mind, not my sob story to hit you with Ronnie: you only wanna share yours Joe: maybe when we get cosy I'll divulge all the family secrets, sis Ronnie: maybe if you chat shit like that to me again ill choke on my puke Joe: n'awh Ronnie: kill yourself Joe: sure thing Ronnie: very obliging Joe: it was already in the diary tbh Joe: but I'll pop you in the note if that makes you feel 💘 Ronnie: show me yours & ill show you mine Joe: deal Ronnie: 💘 Ronnie: [skippity skip] Ronnie: pick me up Joe: where from Ronnie: [location that's sketchy as all hell] Joe: alright Joe: that should take me 'bout half an hour this time of day Ronnie: im not goin anywhere mckenna Joe: you alright Ronnie: 🖕 Joe: got it Joe: 🚖 📵 Ronnie: important for you to know your place Joe: must be popular with the cabbies 👑 Ronnie: yeah im on a ban Ronnie: look out for my picture hanging Joe: what did you do Joe: vom and not pay the fine one too many times? Ronnie: we taking another trip down memory lane Ronnie: i aint 12 Joe: go on then, what was it Ronnie: the cunt crashed its fuck all to get excited about Joe: did you get hurt? Ronnie: didnt feel it Joe: what about the driver Ronnie: i reckon he felt it Joe: fucked you're stuck with the tube then Joe: 💔 Ronnie: cheers motherfucker Ronnie: cant you drive Joe: 'course I can Joe: where'd your license go, got a story for that and all or? Ronnie: car theft would be a dead good sibling bonding activity Ronnie: but i dont need your help to break a window Joe: another time Ronnie: nah Ronnie: next time some other cunt will pick me up Joe: good thing I didn't specify Joe: tah for keeping me well in the loop of your schedule though Ronnie: other shit in the diary besides blowing my brains out Ronnie: can move it up if you aint gonna shut up Joe: 🤐 Joe: you can keep all your dates Ronnie: made up i am Joe: no need to say thanks, I feel it Ronnie: you wanted to meet up Ronnie: wish granted Joe: I know Joe: reckon blue would suit Ronnie: what Joe: genie Joe: you owe me 2 more, yeah? Ronnie: rubbing me up the wrong way dont count Joe: damn Ronnie: i can do black & blue Joe: changed your mind then Joe: my 🍀 day Ronnie: you got the accent Ronnie: my head cant do subtitles Joe: not really Joe: not proper Joe: some of my younger ones do but they can barely remember Liverpool Ronnie: nothing to be 💔 about Ronnie: its a shithole Joe: least its a shithole with some history Joe: we moved to a newbuild shithole so Joe: win some lose some Ronnie: your boner for history aint that big Joe: you checked what I'm studying? 😏 Ronnie: you dont post about fuck all else Joe: I'm barely outta freshers let me have it Ronnie: dont give me the flu Joe: thought that was just a euphemism Joe: either way, on my life Ronnie: fuck knows Joe: not as much fun as people chat, shockingly Ronnie: what is Ronnie: the shit that feels good is the shit youre meant to keep your mouth shut about Joe: hear hear Ronnie: 💘 Joe: 💘 Joe: you live there or am I picking you up from a mates Ronnie: neither Joe: alright Ronnie: drop me on the other side Joe: no problem Ronnie: then you can go back to wanking over symphonies Joe: you wanna help me with my homework Joe: so nice Ronnie: what are big sisters for Joe: yeah Ronnie: shits fucked up Joe: right Joe: but you can be more specific Ronnie: nah i cant Joe: don't know where to start? Ronnie: it starts with being born Joe: okay, so the starts the easy bit Joe: the middle Joe: we don't have time Ronnie: we aint gonna trauma bond mckenna youve been beaten to it Joe: ah you got a troubled boyfriend Joe: that's cool Ronnie: fuck off Ronnie: you heard me say i aint 12 Joe: you know what I mean Ronnie: not very nancy drew if you reckon im that bitch Joe: we can't both be sid Ronnie: touche baby Joe: 💘 Ronnie: im gonna carve up this cunt if you dont pull me out Ronnie: & thatll make him feel too special Joe: who? Joe: I'm nearly there Ronnie: my not boyfriend Ronnie: dont waste romance like that on strangers Joe: sensible Joe: just carve anything but 💘 and he shouldn't get too clingy Ronnie: whats the symphony that gets you off fastest Ronnie: ill do that Joe: Khachaturian's Sabre Dance works as a play on words and should get him to crescendo 👌 Ronnie: hot Joe: orchestra nerds get all the bitches Ronnie: yeah Joe: you aren't a catfish, are you Joe: I mean, I'll recognize you Ronnie: look for your mas face Joe: fuck it, therapy overdue anyway Ronnie: fuck you for saying that Ronnie: making it go round my head Joe: I shouldn't have said that Ronnie: i should stab you Ronnie: all these pieces of mirror Ronnie: fuck him Joe: you can, long as you keep it shallow, or don't mind swinging by the hospital Ronnie: i dont get my kicks at a&e Joe: you'll have to play nice then Ronnie: youll get too clingy Joe: avoid the 💘 Ronnie: some other bitch can have the honours Joe: or has Joe: don't I seem 💔 Ronnie: dont need to hear how you lost your virginity mckenna Joe: noted Joe: save that trip down memory lane for private time Joe: me and mozart Ronnie: explains a shit ton if the conductor is molesting you Ronnie: but not gonna be the sister who tells him where to put that stick he waves about Joe: Mozart was pretty fucked up but I don't reckon it went that far Ronnie: i dont know him 💔 Ronnie: there was a Moz here earlier fuck knows if theyre any relation Joe: You're more a Liszt type, called it Ronnie: what the fuck kind of fuck you is that Joe: 😂 Joe: actually he's considered the world's first rock star, I was being nice Ronnie: shut up Joe: what, you ain't seen the ken russell film with daltrey in? Joe: have a word Ronnie: get a life Joe: tomorrow Joe: maybe Ronnie: i cant fucking believe it had to be you Ronnie: thank fuck i already aint showing my face here again Joe: thought you said you weren't 12 Joe: but I don't need to come in if you don't wanna be embarrassed in front of your mates Ronnie: i said my mates aint here Joe: no need to tell me why you're there Ronnie: where the fuck are you Joe: just got out, 5 minutes Ronnie: i need to get out Ronnie: move it like Joe: alright Joe: come find me then, make it go faster Ronnie: fucks sake Joe: what's wrong Ronnie: if my body would do what it was told i wouldnt need you Ronnie: cant even paint you a fucking picture Joe: right Ronnie: theres a shit load of stairs yeah Ronnie: i cant do 'em Joe: if you're fat I swear to god Ronnie: calm your tits nancy drew Ronnie: you know thats bullshit Joe: I'll trust you ain't catfishing then Ronnie: thats my next tat Ronnie: all for you baby Joe: sweet Ronnie: hurry up Joe: I am Joe: [show up boy] Ronnie: [when you're just there like damsel in distress which ain't you so it makes it more awks] Joe: [what a first meeting just having to carry her away from god knows where like] Ronnie: [just like we don't know each other but just carry me to your vehicle thanks] Joe: [just doing it silently like this is normal] Ronnie: [since I cant find a pic she should go get that tattoo now just casually drag him along] Joe: [once you get the use of your limbs back lol] Ronnie: [lbr its blatantly someone sketchy she knows the state of them all] Joe: [god bless] Ronnie: [when I know its gotta go on her face somewhere cos #triggered by looking like Tess and I'm just screaming like NOOO] Joe: [my boo is horrified and Joe too] Ronnie: [soz you're so cute bitch and you wanna look so ugly] Joe: [lowkey dread to think how annoying the heal time is on a face tat] Ronnie: [blasting that orchestra bop he mentioned earlier as loud as poss cos yeah you searched for it and yeah you don't wanna hear your thoughts or have a convo] Joe: [when you don't run like you should 'cos you too are a crazy person] Ronnie: [match made in heaven lol] Joe: [🔥😈] Ronnie: [does he have any tattoos I have forgotten] Joe: [Oh, I don't think so??? but he probably would in a self-destructive manner too, as long as they could be hidden like his self-harm like go ahead] Ronnie: [just thinking get one now if you want boy #bonding] Joe: [yolo] Ronnie: [ooh what should it be] Joe: [the real question, hmm] Ronnie: [perfect excuse to be staring at each other while that's happening though cos you can't be moving all about] Joe: [but of course] Ronnie: [Joe can move around more cos not on his fucking head but] Joe: [probably get a cherry or something for the lols] Ronnie: [love that for you Joseph]