#i cannot stress enough how lucky they were to have had access to these

[thehouseofkitten]

Dear Royal Court and Royal fans,

HRH Crandall's cover is finally here for us all to enjoy! We have so much to talk about and so many people to inform you on dear readers, first I have the pleasure of announcing The siblings of Silas Luke Crandall are allowing us intimate access to their bueatiful family. Now let's talk about the queens tell all!

Wren told Vogue that quote "ever since my parents passing it's been quite difficult adjusting now parenthood and my mother's foundation and being a royal." End quote. HRH Crandall adopted 2 children and has custody of her youngest sister as well Wren also states "Silas and I want to express our thoughts on the idea of family bonds and how important they are to us. We have 3 children who depend on us so much and another one on the way!" She gushed on about her work with veterans and addiction use "My Step Dad was a war veteran he means a lot to me and my mom had a problem drinking and using throughout her separation with my father so these causes mean alot to me."

Wren walked us through her home and showed us the rooms and how she wanted expanded her fostering and adoption of children she stated "after the birth of my baby I want to try to adopt one more time maybe adopted a set of siblings, Silas and I want a huge blended family we are open to our home having many hearts inside!"

We asked Wren about her arranged marriage to Silas Luke Crandall she paused to gather her thoughts. "I knew when I took the mandle of being the next Siren Queen that I was betrothed to someone, when I was old enough to understand I decided to become friends with them and after many years. Silas and I grew close and then we fell deeply in love with one another! Our relationship isn't perfect by any means we have kids, we have responsibilities to the crown and country. I'm just lucky enough to have such a loving and understanding partner."

The next topic we touched on was her studies at Harvard University the young Queen said with a stressful glance. "The work is tough and the long nights of studying and getting enough sleep is brutal. I cannot wait to graduate and open my own law firm and prosecute those who hurt the Innocent. I plan on being a lawyer for women and children and families who are wronged by many injustices." we asked if the crown will affect her work as a lawyer? "No I won't let it happen, I'm not just a royal, I'm a mother, wife and sister and I have a life outside of royalty!" She looked so determined.

The. Queen had to leave for an appointment with her stylist. We concluded our interview

Overall Her royal Highness and the young family seemed warm and inviting even the Pomeranian Lakia was well behaved and sweet and affectionate we couldn't get that much done because of all the doggie kisses!

The family invited us to her house again for her baby shower and gender reveal!!

Source hand delivered to Vouge by HRH Crandall

Guests I can't believe I was in the same room as the royal family! They were so kind and caring! Prince Huxton Carter Torres and King Consort Silas Luke Crandall were also there! Paris and Huxton wrote a very sweet card to his sister for the baby shower!

The queen is 20 weeks pregnant and is healthy as ever!

But first

We have to announce

It's a girl!

Wren and Silas are expecting a bouncing baby girl!!

(AHHHHHH I KNOW!!!)

(I cried when I did the sonogram)

Source @ thehouseofcrandall

Silas's sister Queen Consort Camilla Crandall and Queen Diana Crandall was not there due to the baby being sick with a stomach bug!

They send plenty of gifts to the couple!!

Source Simchat @ pinkieprincess56

Source Simchat @ pinkieprincess56

Diana and Camilla are keeping their girls out of the spotlight we got access to these photos per request of the 2 moms

We can't wait to see more of them!!

That's all for now

Lady Luna M

[resmarted]

i have zero sympathy for people who didn't see my worth while i was around or failed to appreciate me at any point in time. i do not forgive you, i do not care to hear from you, and i do not give seven thousand chances. do not contact me, do not feel like you're somehow flattering me by trying to tell me what i already know and what you should have been able to recognize long ago when you still had access to me. i cannot stress enough it is not my problem what your trauma is, your story, your reasons, or whatever lesson you had to learn from this. let this be a way to learn and grow for the people you encounter moving forward in life, as it one thousand percent will never be me again. i don't put up with bullshit and i am very used to people mistaking my kindness for weakness, my joyous personality for an emotional fuel buffet, my giving nature for low self-esteem, and taking me for granted in a million and one ways that reek of envy, deceit, and all around sociopathy. i have no problem cutting people out for a lot less. it's honestly crazy to me the level of narcissism i encounter in people at such frequent rates. my energy is sacred, my presence a blessing, and if you couldn't see how lucky you were to have me in your life while i was around, that's honestly not my problem. banking on the idea that someone like me doesn't know how to stand up for themselves or effortlessly depart from situations that neither benefit nor respect my time and value is very much a you problem and yours alone. i owe you nothing, literally no one owes you anything. empathy is extended to those who don't manipulate it for their own gains and actually do the work to heal, and even then it is from afar and without interaction or reconciliation. it doesn't matter if you think this is unreasonable. good. tell the entire world what a vicious cunt i am for it. spread the word to the everyone we know and unite in protest. best of luck.

[get-back-homeward]

Spring 1958: Access to All The Records

A million years ago, I had heard somewhere about how the Beatles had early on gotten ahold of the Lomax ethnomusicology collection: recordings of black folk singers in the American South. I’ve always wondered when? how? I myself didn’t get the chance to hear them until college with access to the music department’s library.

Listening to their 1960 home recordings, I felt convinced they’d had them by then. I Don’t Know (Oh Johnny) especially sounds like a teenage boy’s attempt to imitate those recordings. But where on earth would have have gotten access to them as teens?

Well, it looks like Lewisohn tracked down the source. In Spring 1958, John meets Tony Carricker at art school:

By some distance, friendships were the most attractive aspect of art school life for John. He and Tony Carricker gravitated toward each other on the basis of a shared love of music. As Tony puts it, “Early rock freaks found each other like drug takers will find each other.” He still recalls their first conversation, as they walked down the hill into town: “It was like an interrogation: ‘Have you got this?’ ‘Have you heard that?’ ‘Oh, you’ve got that, have you?’—it was like being vetted. I was in.”41 Tony had “Bloodshot Eyes” by Wynonie Harris, he had red label Vogue 78s, he introduced John to Bobby Freeman’s “Do You Want to Dance,” he had country blues and he loved Chuck Berry; when John found out Tony had memorized all the words of “Roll Over Beethoven” he got him to write them down for him. He recalls overhearing John saying to somebody, “He’s got all the records!”

Tony was one of those enthusiasts not merely prepared to accept whatever was available in the local shops but to seek out scarce sounds. He was a gatherer, hungry to expand his knowledge. He’d discovered that the cultural department of the American Embassy in London loaned Smithsonian Institution and other rare records free to applicants, on trust. Packages containing discs by Bessie Smith, Ida Cox, Lead Belly, Big Bill Broonzy, Blind Willie Johnson, Sleepy John Estes and other such fabulously exotic creatures, remarkable field recordings from the American South and rare studio sessions of the 1920s to 1940s, would be dispatched via Royal Mail from Grosvenor Square to Tony’s tiny house in Widnes, the return postage prepaid.

—Tune In (Ch. 8), Mark Lewisohn

Thank Tony, the American Embassy, the Smithsonian, and Royal Mail.

[hi-intrepid-heroes]

hii so ive seen you posting about gming and i just want to ask you if you were anxious early on, and if you were, how you went about overcoming it? i know gming can be fun for me and i have a lot of cool ideas but im scared of like messing up and ruining the game for my players.

hi!!

thank you so much for sending me this!! i've been dm'ing for about a year now but we don't play super regularly so i still feel like a new-ish dm if i'm being honest. i'm still nervous before sessions and am still learning but some of my tips for overcoming anxiety are (note after writing: this got SO LONG sorry i hope it helps!):

-pick the right players: i think when you're starting out it's really important to have players that you trust! i'm really lucky and i play with people i've been friends with for like 10 years so i'm really comfortable around them, but in general try to have players that you trust not to hold mistakes you make (see tip #2) against you. it's easier to just go for it and try some things when you're comfortable around your players

-accept you're going to mess up sometimes: we all make mistakes, especially when you're learning a new skill, which is what dm'ing is. i don't know all the rules by heart, i have to change things halfway through sometimes, i sometimes run a not so great session, and that's just kind of. how it is. not everything's gonna be a banger. for me, it's really nice to address that? like, i recently ran a thing where two pcs were involved in a duel while the other two were just waiting, and they clearly got bored. so when the duel was over, i turned to them, said 'this was boring for you, right?', they said 'yeah' and i nodded and said 'cool, then we won't do it again', made a note of it, and move on. i cannot emphasise how much addressing something i did wrong due to miscalculation (i thought it would be shorter + more interesting for the pcs not involved), acknowledging it was a mistake and that i now know it doesn't work, and then just moving on instead of lingering on it helped in overcoming the anxiety around mistakes was. i tend to linger on my mistakes and by addressing it, i removed both doubt in my mind about how the players felt + doubt in their mind about whether i caught that it just wasn't that interesting, and that gave me the space to simply get on with the parts of the story that are interesting!

-find someone to talk to about your campaign that isn't your players: it's so nice to just braindump to another person sometimes, and this doesn't have to be someone who plays dnd! for the longest time, i would just talk to my mum about it, and simply the act of explaining to someone else what was happening and what i was struggling with helped me solve my own problems!

-prepare as much as you feel is necessary: i see a lot of people warning against over preparing and although you want to try and not railroad your players, preparing is great and in the beginning i prepared a lot! i'm now confident enough to improvise fantasy shots when necessary but i definitely wasn't a year ago and so i would just. make a bar if i knew they were going to an area with bars, and sometimes they wouldn't end up doing shots and i'd just save it. for me, this over preparation helped me feel safe in my own world and i knew there was less chance of me getting surprised (it still happened, it always happens (flashbacks to the barbarian in session 2 deciding she wanted a pet so i had to improvise a full fantasy pet store rip), but by preparing i saved myself a lot of stress)

-use online resources: there are so many blogs, youtube channels, and other things to help you with dm'ing and for me finding info/instructions made me feel more secure! i really like matthew colville, he's got a full playlist called running the game (find it here), which is about learning to dm, it's got 100+ videos and it's amazing. he advocates for using adventures, which i like cause they're a little bit more accessible! you don't have to homebrew if that seems intimidating, just run an adventure, they're just as fun and cool to do!! matthew colville is a good intro, when i have a specific question, i also look at the DM Lair, who has a lot of really focused videos, but i haven't seen that many. in theme with this blog, i also like adventuring academy which is brennan + guest, specifically this one with murph cause they have a beautiful bit where they emphasise that if you have watched dimension 20 you can dm, anyone can do it and i 100% agree. you can do it!! i understand you're nervous but the biggest hurdle (for me, at least) was the first session. the second they laugh at something you said or are creeped out by the haunted mansion you created based on a backstreet boys music video (only normal decisions here), you realise 'oh. this is kind of fun actually'. i'm still nervouse before sessions and a lot of way more experienced dms are too but it's also so fun just try it!! i'd love to hear how it goes!

dm's please reblog with your best tips for overcoming anxiety!!!!

[lovelyirony]

"a single thread of gold/tied me to you" for ironhusbands?💛

If there is one thing that James Rhodes cannot stand, it is “love at first sight.” In his professional and personal opinion, there is no such thing. It is simply a concept that Disney invented so they could make cutesy stories about princesses finding their princes immediately and give people hope about love, but in the end it is all about the money. 

“You’re a cynic,” his sister Jeanie tells him over breakfast. She flings a stray Cheerio at him. “You are a cynic and you’re never gonna date someone because they’re going to think you suck.” 

“People are going to date me and realize that I’m a good, realistic choice,” James responds, sticking his tongue out and stealing a drink of her orange juice. “People are going to date you and you’ll be disappointed because you watched too many romantic movies and you let it taint reality.” 

“Loser.” 

“Dork.” 

And then he’s in college. 

Surprisingly, he doesn’t meet Tony Stark for two years despite the fact that every single year, they live in the same building on different floors. He has had to evacuate about twenty different times because Tony cannot stop himself from doing experiments in his room. 

The third year, James is an RA and required to live with one of the residents because of “experimental tendencies.” They don’t elaborate on why he’s stuck with a roommate, what the tendencies are, or who he is. 

“You’ll know,” comes the email from the coordinator, and he has never wanted to curse so badly in an email before, but here he is. 

But he’ll deal with it. Just like how he’s going to deal with everything this year. 

-

He thought he would get the room to himself for a little while before everyone moved in and brought everything and he would check them in. 

But no. 

There’s his roommate, lounging on a bed, and grinning. 

“Simply enlightening to meet you, James. They told me I could come back if I had a trusted roommate.” 

“And they stuck you with me?” 

“Well they were going to stick me with some dude who got the email, and then immediately transferred to Dartmouth. So I think you were the second option.” 

“Great.” 

He hates life, maybe just a little bit. 

Tony wants to do things. Which is fine, but he isn’t really in the mood to have the conversation of the fact that he can do things, but he doesn’t want to do them. He has to focus on being an RA and preparing for the Air Force. 

“Why prepare for that when you could be living?” Tony asks, lounging on Rhodey’s bed. 

Oh yeah, that’s new too. Rhodey. Apparently, “Jim,” “James,” and “Rhodes” were unacceptable nicknames. 

What is acceptable is Rhodey. And of course, the “honey bunches of oats” and “loveliest RA of all time in the history of MIT” and “sugar-puff” and “sweetness overload” 

He’s responding to all of them, by the way. 

Rhodey didn’t think his mental health would get this bad by the beginning. He had actually scheduled it to be around October. 

- 

And then the students come. There are nervous freshmen, the sophomores who don’t say anything as they move in and get settled, and the returning juniors and seniors greet Rhodey and Tony with familiarity and laugh about the posters that Rhodey’s worked hard on. 

“So, we’re having joint-RA’s or something?” Miles asks, throwing his comforter over his bed. 

“No, we’re not,” Rhodey says, hoping his expression is somewhere along the lines of not-showing-emotion. “Tony’s just...” 

“I’m simply too exhausting for Housing to deal with anymore, so I have a babysitter,” Tony says with a wink. “And who better than our lovely Rhodey?” 

“Don’t call me that.” 

“Sugar-puff?” 

“Still no.” 

Miles snorts. 

“This year should be good. Tony, you gonna pull any fire alarms this year?” 

“Rhodey has expressly banned experiments in the building, unfortunately,” Tony sighs. “It’s like he doesn’t want everyone to bond over having to leave at two in the morning...” 

“Nothing says bonding like hating a rude wake-up call,” Rhodey says, and Tony nods. “We’ll let you get all moved in, Miles. Remember that floor dinner is at six!” 

“You got it!” 

Rhodey gives Tony a look. 

“You know, I can do this on my own.” 

“Aw shutterbug, I’m not gonna let you.” 

“Are you really this intent on following me around?” 

“Well, what if I want to overtake your position next year? What if you tragically get a raging headache and it’s up to me to know what to do? What if your mother kidnaps you and never lets you come here again?” 

“I’m sure the college kids will be fine,” Rhodey stresses. “And I’ll still have access to email and the groupchat, genius.” 

Tony just laughs. 

“Alright, okay. I gotta go get some shit for my new class. The teacher sent out an email stating that the textbook is mandatory, and we have to do book work. This feels like eighth grade all over again.” 

Rhodey snorts. 

“Is it for Professor Casper?” 

“Yeah, did you have him?” 

“Yeah, you don’t need the book. You can find it online for free, and he never collects the book work. It’s a waste of time to get the book.” 

“You’re an angel-and-a-half, love of my life,” Tony says. “And for that, I’ll snag an extra pudding for you at the dining hall.” 

“Is it vanilla or chocolate this time?” 

“Chocolate with cookies in it.” 

“Oh my god, seriously? Already?” 

“Guess they must have had a jump,” Tony teases. “I’ll see you at dinner.” 

- 

Tony has a specific way of getting people to open up and actually talk with others that Rhodey envies. 

If Tony wasn’t so hellbent on convincing the group that if Miles and Kamala create a distraction, they could totally sneak out one of the pictures of the mascot. 

“We are not doing that the first week,” Rhodey says. “Maybe the last.” 

“It’s a beaver,” Tony whines. “Who’s gonna miss it, a Canadian?” 

“It’ll be the floor bonding activity,” Gwen says, finishing off her fifth (maybe sixth) slice of pizza. “Better than talking about your feelings about the campus or whatever.” 

“No.” 

“We’ll convince him soon,” Tony whispers conspiratorially. “Also, who here is a freshman? I have some advice regarding the math classes and which teacher you want...” 

- 

Rhodey does have to admit, that sometimes it’s easier to have Tony around, who is so willing to stay up until the late hours because of some stupid drama or to help Peter at his chemistry homework and also ease his anxiety about leaving his Aunt May all alone. 

Tony isn’t all wild and crazy as stories have led him up to be. 

"I wore out all my crazy freshman year after going to two frat parties and deciding that no one knew anything about how to have fun,” he declared. “I mean, come on. Why have beer pong when you could quiz people about obscure fashion facts?” 

Rhodey snorts. 

“Don’t make that the next game night. Hey, what do you think about having a movie night this Friday? I’m thinking something not scary, we’ve been doing a lot of those.” 

“It is October, what do you mean not scary?” 

“Some of our residents don’t like scary,” Rhodey reminds him. “Honestly, I think we could do with a bit of Halloween fun.” 

“Hocus Pocus? Double Double, Toil and Trouble? If you want to be slightly scared of old women and clown parties, I’d recommend it.” 

“You weren’t scared of clowns beforehand?” 

“Of course not, I wanted what they have; the ability to fit eighteen people in a car.” 

“Couldn’t you just gut the car?” 

“Not the same effect, honey-pie. Not the same effect.” 

Miles and Peter both end up lobbying for Hocus Pocus, with little to no competition other than a promise that the other choice would be shown later on in the semester. 

They’ve shoved all the chairs together and multiple people have brought out their own chairs, and Tony saves a seat for Rhodey under the premise of “Rhodey organized it, he gets a seat.” 

It’s a tough squeeze, and Tony and Rhodey get all tangled up together. 

Tony smells like expensive cologne and coffee, and he grins up at Rhodey and maybe the lights from the TV aren’t bright enough, but for a moment his heart skips a beat. 

Well. Shit. 

When he goes home for Thanksgiving break, Tony seems a bit...sad. 

“What, your mom cook the worst turkey in the world?” he jokes. 

"Sure,” Tony says, eyes unfocused. “Yeah.” 

"Dude, you okay?” 

“Yeah,” Tony says, turning. His smile brightens, eyes crinkling. “Why wouldn’t I be fine, buttercup?” 

Rhodey gives him a look. 

“I’m gonna call you when I get home, okay? You better answer.” 

“I always answer to you,” Tony says, and damn Rhodey’s mind shouldn’t be going where it is. 

Rhodey waves, gets in his car, and thinks about how Tony most likely has a problem on his mind, how he should probably not room with him, and his Aunt Ada’s green beans. 

God, he loves those green beans. 

- 

Tony is alone for Thanksgiving. Jarvis and Ana got an opportunity to visit Aunt Peggy in England, and he knew that they hadn’t seen her in two years. He didn’t want to be selfish, have them stay just for him. 

So, it looked like deli turkey sandwiches were in his future. If there’s still some soda in the fridge, maybe that too. 

He sighs, and turns towards the lab. Dum-E’s not even here, as he didn’t fit in the travel car, so Tony let him loose on the floor to “keep guard” over the dorms and make sure that no one broke in or stole the cords that he knows he accidentally left in the common room. 

The odd thing is, he had almost told Rhodey. Almost let him know that he’d be alone for Thanksgiving, but is that weird? That’s weird, right? To tell people your emotions just...it’s so messy. 

They have to deal with it, you have to deal with the fact that they’re dealing with it, and then other people know that you both are dealing with it and it’s just a whole mess of epic proportions, you know? 

-

Rhodey finds out on Thanksgiving, when they’re doing the parade on the TV and there’s a new snippet on the gossip channel when they go on commercial break. 

Howard and Maria Stark, vacationing off the Mediterranean Coast. 

“It’s reported that Tony Stark has preferred to spend his time in the vacation home,” the news reporter said, her smile wide and placid. 

“Tony’s lucky,” Mama says, wrapping golden yarn around her fingers as she works on another sweater. (A small one, a tiny one. It’s for the new baby in the family for Christmas.) “He tell you about it?” 

“He’s not there,” Rhodey says numbly. 

“He’s not?” Dad says, eyes raised over the newspaper. 

“No.” 

“He didn’t tell you, did he?” Dad asks. 

“No, no he didn’t.” 

“Well then. Next time he’ll come with us.” 

Rhodey nods. 

“Christmas?” 

“Clear it with his parents if they’re not spending time together.” 

“Got it.” 

- 

Rhodey’s Thanksgiving is...nice. He can’t stop thinking about Tony going alone. 

So he calls him. It’s two in the morning, he might be asleep, and Rhodey’s not sure if he got the “eight” in the last four digits right or not. 

“Howard’s out, who is it?” comes a sleep-addled voice. 

“Good thing I’m not looking for Howard, Tones.” 

“Rhodey? Why are you calling me?” Tony asks, and Rhodey can imagine his eyes lighting up and that’s...that’s something. 

“You spent Thanksgiving alone, I wanted to see how you were.” 

“Aw, checking in your residents?” 

“Checking in on you.” 

Tony stills for a moment at the phone. 

Besides Jarvis, no one had ever really checked in on him. 

“Um, I’m fine?” 

“You sure?” 

“Yeah. I mean, it sucks to be alone on Thanksgiving, but I don’t really like any of the foods that people usually have, so I’ve been fine. I ordered wraps from my favorite place.” 

“Good to hear, good to hear.” 

There’s a silent pause for a moment, the one where they both try to find something to say. 

“Listen,” Rhodey says. “If you’re ever stuck for a holiday alone, you’re coming with me, okay?” 

“I don’t want to intrude on your family,” Tony says softly. 

“They all wanna meet you. Jeanie says she can kick your ass at ice hockey!” 

“You guys can actually play ice hockey?” 

“With limited degrees of success.” 

“Oh, now that I gotta see some time.”

- 

They come back to college, and Tony is back to his usual antics, greeting everyone who comes through the elevator with a shower of shredded paper. 

“Welcome to Winter Wonderland! Next stop: suffering through finals!” 

“Ugh,” Kamala groans, “stop it. Stop making me think. I have to memorize Byronic poetry. Do you know how boring that is?” 

"Speak for yourself, I have to build a wooden chair,” Riri whines. “Who works with wood these days? It’s so old-fashioned.” 

“Create the most bitching chair alive,” Tony says. “And I’ll help you with the necessary tools. Your professor isn’t expecting much, mainly just that it can support the weight of two people, you’ll be fine. Kam, Byronic poetry is not that bad, you will be good. We will bake cookies.” 

“Can we even bake cookies? I thought our floor got banned from kitchen usage,” Peter says. “Hey Rhodey.” 

“Hey kiddo,” Rhodey says. “First of all, yes we are banned from the kitchen. Second, we’re only banned and get in trouble so long as they know we’re there. And since more than half of us are nocturnal creatures and I am willing to wake up to help, we can bake cookies.” 

There are cheers around the room, and Tony mocks offense. 

“You don’t trust me to help the future youth?” 

“Given that we’re not allowed to rent out any more equipment from the front office? Yes.” 

“You wound me, darling.” 

“Only as much as kitchen equipment goes, sweetheart.” 

Tony grins. 

“Aw, you missed me.” 

“Yeah, I did. Now come on, you gotta help me with a billboard about the movie night this Friday. We thinking a romantic comedy or something mildly terrifying but probably won an award?” 

“Mildly terrifying!” Gwen calls from her dorm. “If we watch two people falling in love I’ll choke! We’ve been doing it all year!” 

“We’ve only watched, like, three rom-coms?” 

Gwen rolls her eyes, as if he’s missed something completely obvious. 

“You don’t get it. I’ll try again later. Hey, are we doing floor dinner tonight?” 

“They’re serving pizza sandwiches, so obviously,” Tony says. “We will feast like kings.” 

- 

Christmas is a festive time for Tony. He loves it, and goes overboard with decorations. Rhodey lets him, because you can’t stop Tony once he loves something (and Rhodey is kind of. Fond of him). 

Pepper comes up from the fifth floor, whistling. 

“Damn, Jim. I knew you would do a good job with decorations, but not this good. Is this...did you buy a miniature village? How was this budgeted?” 

“It wasn’t,” Rhodey says. “Tony’s really into Christmas and the floor convinced him that the theme should be Christmas Village. He’s been crafting identities for each villager instead of studying for any exam. The craft store employees know him by name now.” 

“Well, we all have our vices. You two seem to get along well. Housing is pleased that he hasn’t blown up anything yet.” 

“If they try to serve cheese ravioli again, he might.” 

“That’s a problem for Dining,” Pepper reminds him.  

“Still, it’s abominable. Where did they get them, bottom of the Hudson River?” 

She snorts, adjusting her shirt. 

“Probably, but hey. They still got eaten, even if that one freshman threw them all back up at the entrance.” 

“It was payback, they were vile.” 

Tony waltzes into the lobby, arms filled with glittering tinsel. 

“We are not letting you hang that,” Pepper says, gaping at it all. “Do you know how hard it is to get rid of tinsel?”

“We’ll manage!” Tony says. “Also, are you free at six-thirty?” 

“No, that’s when we’re getting dinner on my floor, what do you need?” 

“Just that little tidbit of knowledge,” Tony says, looking down at his phone. 

A message buzzes from the groupchat, and Rhodey glances at it: 

We are a go for the real Christmas tree. I have the vacuum, and a believable lie. Rhodey’s gonna tell us when the RA on duty is gonna come so we can hide it. 

Rhodey looks at Tony, grinning. He smiles right back. 

“Is there some weird roommate telekinesis I’m missing here?” Pepper asks. 

“Yes,” Rhodey says. “We’re discussing dinner plans.” 

Another text from Harley: 

I’m already picking one out with Peter. I have good taste. When is the ornament-making party? 

Pepper looks at them. 

“You’re planning something that I probably would have to disapprove of. I’ll tell people I got your floor watched tonight.” 

“Pepper, light of my life, my absolute sunshine? You’re the best,” Tony says, grinning. “Rhodey-darling, help me with tinsel?” 

He can’t say no. Simple as that. 

That is how tinsel gets strung throughout his hair as he’s watching Tony climb onto chairs that shouldn’t be climbed on to hang it from everywhere. 

“People deserve to have a good-looking Christmas,” he says. “Besides, I wanna win the decoration contest.” 

Rhodey laughs. 

“Okay, okay. I think we got it in the bag.” 

Later on in the week, Tony can be seen flitting about from room to room with help and jokes to lighten the mood. 

Rhodey has to admit, being an RA with Tony around is...nice. Better than he thought. 

And maybe he has feelings. He’s not going to say anything about it. After all, they’re roommates. He also isn’t allowed to have a relationship with anyone on the floor, regardless of anything. 

It doesn’t mean every RA follows it. God knows Sharon’s snuck down to the fourth floor to see Sam near-about every night, and her residents usually keep it a pretty good secret. 

Still. There’s also everything else to consider, and the fact that he doesn’t even know if Tony likes him like that. 

He doesn’t have to focus on it. 

- 

At least, not until the week of finals when he’s dying and Tony’s made him peppermint hot chocolate and sits on his bed, just about an inch away from his notes for his history class. 

“Do you remember what you told me on the phone?” Tony asks softly. 

“You up to compete against Jeanie for this year’s ice hockey championship?” Rhodey asks, smiling. 

Tension releases from Tony’s shoulders. 

“Only so long as you’ll have me.” 

“Always, genius. Always.” 

- 

After the last resident leaves for the holiday and Rhodey checks in with those who are staying, he and Tony hit the road, dragging suitcases behind them. 

“Are you sure I’m allowed?” Tony asks. “I can always find a hotel along the way...” 

“Mama wants to meet you, I keep telling them a ton about you,” Rhodey says, laughing. “They told me they want to hear your side of the great Glitter Debacle.” 

Tony laughs. 

“You mean the truth?” 

“Uh, I’m sorry, how are you going to convince them that green glitter was needed? And that you could clean it out of carpet?” 

“Determination and grit?” 

Rhodey laughs again as they pull onto the highway. 

- 

After a couple of hours, they make it to Rhodey’s home. His sister comes out, hugs for both. 

“Good to meet you Tony,” Jeanie says. “I’ve heard a lot, and I think we’re going to get along awesomely after I tell you every single embarrassing thing that Jim’s ever done.” 

“Only if I get to share stories too,” Tony teases, grinning. “Aw, they call you Jim?” 

“What do you call him?” Jeanie asks. 

“Jim-Jam, angel-dear, sugar-puff, Rhodey. You know, the usual.” 

Jeanie snorts, taking one of Rhodey’s bags. 

“Calling you the first one from now on.” 

“Tony did you have to let her hear any of those?” Rhodey asks, exasperated in a teasing manner. 

“Of course I did,” Tony sing-songed. “Now after you, I’m sure your mom is waiting to hug the living daylights out of you.” 

- 

It’s not until Rhodey gets all settled in and Tony is downstairs competing with his dad in a round of chess that Jeanie sits on his bed, the intention to annoy. 

But it’s...different. She looks at him. 

“You love him a lot, don’t you?” 

Rhodey stills. 

“You wouldn’t have told him he could come here if you didn’t.” 

“You’re right.” 

“I’m always right,” Jeanie says, flipping braids over her shoulder. “Nice of you to finally realize that I’m the smart one.” 

Rhodey doesn’t say anything as she saunters out of the room. 

He makes the decision not to tell Tony. 

If it goes wrong and if Tony says no, he doesn’t want it to be an awkward family event but more importantly, the most awkward rest of the year ever. He can say it as they’re moving out, and that’s that. 

He tells Jeanie as such. 

“I thought you didn’t believe in love,” she says as they’re preparing the soup for dinner.” 

“I don’t believe in love at first sight,” Rhodey says. “I do believe in love. There’s a difference.” 

There’s a hell of a difference. 

First sight, you don’t know everything. The second, third, fourth, fifth, and so on? Oh you learn so much more, and they become that more important. 

He learns that he doesn’t mind picking up tinsel, so long as Tony is laughing and singing along to all of the worst Christmas songs ever, and maybe. Just maybe he could picture looking at Tony underneath the fairy-lights that they hung in the dorm room for all time. 

Love is terrifyingly exhilarating, even when it isn’t supposed to be. 

Rhodey did not think his heart would race so much as Tony listened to his Mama talk about her wedding china, about the utter disaster that his father was. 

“He forgot his tie,” Mama said, smiling. “Oh my lord, my mother had a cow about that. I thought he looked kind of dashing.” 

Tony’s eyes drift towards the wedding pictures, which are slightly shaky, but everyone had such wide smiles. 

It’s a far cry from the publicity photos from the Stark wedding, Rhodey remembers the solemn expressions, the stuff tuxedos. 

“I love it,” Tony says softly. He looks at Rhodey across the table, setting down the final plate. “Tell me more, Mrs. Rhodes.” 

“Call me Mama, honey, Mrs. Rhodes is for people I don’t like that much. I think you’re gonna be my new favorite.” 

“Even over me?” Jeanie says, grinning as she kisses Dad on the cheek. “I’m your favorite.” 

“You’re my favorite until now,” Mama says. “Don’t think I don’t know that you skipped out on setting the table because Tony was here and graciously offered.” 

“It was nothing,” Tony says. “Just happy to help. Thank you for letting me stay at your home for the holidays.” 

“We’re always lucky to have guests,” Dad says, setting down the main dish. “Now let’s eat.” 

Family dinner is a brand new concept to Tony. He’s had maybe four or five of them, and the majority of which were staged for some holiday shoot or some “celebrating American values” shoot. 

It was awkward, weird, and he didn’t get why. 

Now, he does. Jeanie has been steadily moving mashed potatoes away from Rhodey’s plate, and Mama caught her eye and winked, distracting him with talk about his college major and news about the neighbors. 

Mr. Rhodes watches it all with a careful eye and a lax smile. 

After dinner, they play cards. 

It should be boring, but Jeanie puts on an old record and Rhodey keeps trying to count cards, and Tony didn’t think you could count cards in a game of Spoons. 

“You can’t, he’s just a try-hard,” Jeanie stage-whispers. 

“You-” 

Jeanie laughs, rolling herself out of Rhodey’s grasp as he chases her around the family room. Tony leans back into the couch, and shouts with surprise as Jeanie trips Rhodey into the couch. 

His body twists, and Rhodey’s facing him on the couch and they’re close and with the fire roaring in the fireplace and the Christmas lights outside shining through the windows, it’s almost magic. 

It is magic, but Rhodey is kind of terrified of that. 

Tony breathes in, breathes out. 

“Hello sugar-puff,” he says. 

“Hello genius,” Rhodey says, a smile on his face. 

Oh. 

The night does not get much sleep. 

Tony doesn’t sleep anyway, but Rhodey finds that quite often he can’t sleep without some softly-playing rock in the background, doesn’t matter if it is a highly-questionable AC/DC song. That and Tony softly murmuring about his plans, and it’s like a personalized lullaby. 

Rhodey cannot sleep. Tony’s in the guest room, and he can’t sleep. 

There’s a soft knock on his door. 

Tony’s there in shorts and a t-shirt that’s probably expensive, but he’ll never say if it is or not. 

“Can I...I can’t sleep.” 

“Get in here, Tones. I can’t sleep either.” 

The bed is a tight squeeze, but they make it work. 

Rhodey whispers until he drifts off to sleep about Christmas and school and everything else. 

Tony watches with quiet eyes, interjecting with his own stories occasionally. 

They fall asleep tangled up together, and Rhodey doesn’t mind it one bit, not as he pulls Tony in closer. 

-

Waking up is bittersweet, honestly. Rhodey has Tony in his arms, and that’s...that’s perfect. He thinks this is going to be the best thing that’s ever happened in his lifetime. 

“It’s too early, darling,” Tony groans. The light from outside is already peeking through the blinds, and he has stuffed his head right back into a pillow. 

“Jeanie’ll be here soon to bother us for Christmas breakfast,” Rhodey says. “And unless you want her pouncing on the bed and landing on wrong everything, we better get down there.” 

Tony smiles sleepily, stretching. 

“Thanks for letting me sleep in your room, honey-bunch.” 

“No problem,” Rhodey said. “Missed the constant AC/DC and late-night discussions about robotics.” 

“Not like I did much talking, Mr. Sap,” Tony teased. “Or was it me who mentioned that they had a favorite plate for dinner?” 

“Listen, it’s superior and you did not once interrupt that story to complain. I think I did a great job explaining it.” 

Tony laughs. 

“I’m gonna go get dressed, okay?” 

“Not until after present unwrapping,” Rhodey says. “We stay in pajamas.” 

“I’m cold,” Tony whines. 

Rhodey chucks his sweatshirt at him. 

“Then here you go.” 

Tony’s eyes light up as he shrugs it on, wiggling as he brings it up to his nose. It shouldn’t be that cute. But it is. 

“You are the light of my life.” 

Rhodey laughs, rolling his eyes. 

“Maybe. Now come on.” 

They head downstairs together, and they both get swept up into the speed of things, with Jeanie racing around the house and telling Tony that he got treats too, they just didn’t have a back-up stocking. 

“Hush,” Mr. Rhodes says, handing Tony a carefully wrapped gift. “After breakfast, we’ll go ahead and open it.” 

He smiles, and Rhodey thinks it’s the best thing he’ll ever see. 

- 

Christmas gifts, Rhodey thinks, are his new favorite thing to see Tony interact with. 

It’s painfully obvious that he’s never really had any personal gifts, anything that reminds people of himself. He carefully unwraps the paper, careful not to rip it. 

“You nerd,” Rhodey says, grinning. “Come on, show us what you got.” 

Tony laughs as he opens a box with two coffee mugs from the rest of the family, emblazoned with “Rhodes” on one cup, and the other being a simple red with gold trim. 

“They’re perfect,” he says. “Thank you so much.” 

“You’re feeding his coffee addiction,” Rhodey answers. 

“Like you aren’t doing the same,” Jeanie teases. “You made him his cups of coffee this morning.” 

“That is because I have trained him well,” Tony says, grinning. “Rhodey, here’s my present to you, open it.” 

He’s nervous. 

Both of them are, but Tony especially so. 

He told Rhodey once that he’s not good at shopping for other people. He tends to have the phrase “go big or go home” permanently circling in his mind, and it can lead to...complications. 

(Rhodey remembers the overhaul of his closet for his birthday, complete with a visit from a rather well-known designer.) 

Inside is a beautiful jacket. It’s all patchwork, artfully sewn together with embroidery thread spelling out “James” at the lapel. 

“I commissioned Janet,” Tony says, smiling softly. “She wants you to still walk in her fashion show, by the way. Says you’re a model.” 

Rhodey snorts, shrugging on the jacket. 

“You helped with this, right?” Rhodey says. “I can see it in the gold thread you got on the sleeves.” 

“I may have had some creative input.” 

“I love it,” Rhodey says. “Now here’s mine.” 

Tony breathes, and Rhodey wonders if this gift will be enough. He feels a bit stupid, it doesn’t seem like that great of a gift, in retrospect- 

It’s a puzzle. 

A puzzle of their favorite cafe and restaurant to go to at MIT. It was in a shop window, and Rhodey could tell that Tony would love it. 

On top is a scarf, since Tony gave away his last one to another student in their philosophy class. 

“I love it,” Tony breathes, tackling Rhodey in a hug. “I love it, I love it! We have to do the puzzle after this.” 

Mrs. Rhodes sends her husband a look. 

Yeah, Tony would be around for a long time. 

- 

They set up the puzzle on the floor of Rhodey’s room, clearing away any luggage. It’s silent for a while, Tony moving around the pieces and Rhodey looking for edge pieces. 

They work closely together, side by side. 

Rhodey can’t stop staring. 

He should be able to. He’s stopped himself before, but now? 

Sunlight is coming in through the window, playing around Tony’s fingers as he nimbly picks up puzzle pieces, and this is the eternity that Rhodey wants so badly. If he died right now, he thinks he would choose for Heaven to look like this. 

“You okay?” Tony asks, eyes looking up. He took his contacts out, and now he’s just in his tortoiseshell glasses, the ones that he secretly likes more and Rhodey loves. 

“I’m in love with you,” Rhodey blurts out, because he can’t stop thinking about how beautiful Tony is and how much he loves him. 

He realizes that this could very well be considered a mistake. Because they still have to live together and drive back together and it won’t be the same, and the residents will notice no matter how well they both act--

Tony pops his head right under Rhodey’s chin. 

“Kiss me?” 

That’s all it takes. 

They mess up part of the puzzle, but that’s okay. They find they don’t mind it too much. They can work on it later, when Tony’s done getting Rhodey out of his new jacket and Rhodey works his hands underneath Tony’s sweatshirt. 

-

Mama takes one look at them for dinner and grins. 

“Jeanie, you owe me a night of dish-washing.” 

“Seriously?” 

“Mama!” Rhodey hisses, embarrassed beyond belief. 

Tony just cackles, and elbows Rhodey out of the way so he can get to his chair at the table. 

“Couldn’t have fooled you for a second, could we?” Tony teases. 

“Not at all,” Mama states proudly. 

Rhodey rolls his eyes and squeezes Tony’s hand under the table. All will be well. 

- 

When they both get back to college, none of their residents are surprised, at least not until they have to have a “knocking before entering” policy put in place after one particular late morning. 

[entryno17]

For ask game Gaster

Its inevitable

yeah uh. this entire post should probably be under a read more. sorry </3

favorite thing about them -

personally, gaster was what elevated my love for undertale into full blown infatuation. somehow, he manages to appeal to literally every stupid thing that i love. he’s absolutely my favorite character in the game that’s not a character in the game. (papyrus is my favorite character, but gaster is my favorite non-character, you see.) i’ve basically always had a fascination for strange things in technology, starting at age 4 when i played my first video game. with access to action replay and all kinds of weird cheat codes, i found myself running into tons of weird glitches and oddities. they were scary, but they were incredible to me. they shattered the veil of immersion and revealed the game’s true nature: it wasn’t magic, it wasn’t real; it was lines of codes strung together. but that didn’t disappoint me—actually, it thrilled me. my interest grew further after discovering video game creepypasta (at a far-too-young age of course lol.) that stuff horrified me, the idea that something organic could be born from lines of code, whether it was an evil murder ghost or just a strange glitch—something about the concept just captured my imagination like nothing else. i’m still in love with the idea; i’m always reading about computer viruses, artificial intelligence, the mechanics of games and programs; anything that captures the strange wonders of technology. unused content in video games is another love of mine because of the unique insight it gives on the development of games. this interest has led me to learn and do so much, from writing simple code and romhacks to inspiring me to develop a game of my own. i don’t think i can explain just how much i love this stuff. SO. imagine how i felt when a certain game (that i already adored) had an entire character literally stuck in the game’s data both in and out of its universe, at the time only accessible through datamining and file editing. even though my first fixation on undertale died out in 2016, gaster has occupied a special place in my mind for all this time. but now that i’m once again obsessed with the game, i think he just is my entire mind at this point? deltarune’s next chapters cannot come out soon enough i'm going insane here

least favorite thing about them - the fact that he managed to dissolve my brain into goo. also that there’s so little content of him in game of course </3

favorite line - wow i get to pick something from his like 3 lines of dialogue!! anyway it’s the quote in my blog’s description, “I LOOK FORWARD / TO CREATING / A NEW FUTURE / WITH YOU.” it’s just... so ominous and exciting. and he’s talking to YOU!

brOTP - alphys probably? they might seem really different from each other at first glance but at heart they’re both just kinda dorky and weird. in my personal pre-core headcanon universe they’re really close—alphys and sans were both his assistants and they were all best buddies basically. alphys has always been really insecure but i think gaster would be good at reassuring her (one thing sans would probably absolutely suck at,) they’d both just be really positive presences in each others life and that idea makes me happy.

OH JEVIL TOO, this would be post-core gaster so like. man i don’t even know. they’d both just be fucking insane together and i love that

OTP - still got nothing. honestly, i don’t ship in general unless there’s really good reason to?? kingdings is kinda cute though, mostly because the name is fucking perfect and amazing it makes me cackle. OH MY GOD i forgot, i saw gaster x jevil referred to as jeviled eggs and just. why are these ship names so fucking good i can’t stand it nOTP - grillster I’M SORRY I JUST DON’T GET IT. no hate at all towards people who like it though, it just doesn’t interest me at all. also sanster because i personally believe gaster is related to him so like....... yeah no. (AND EVEN IF HE WASN’T I’D STILL HATE IT TBH. SRRY.)

random headcanon - gaster’s body is made from coagulated black goop of unknown origin. there could be a skeleton under there, but there’s probably not much of it left, if there is one at all. he has a white turtleneck, but only the neck part. his sweater fused into his body at some point—it’s literally just stuck there and he can’t do anything about it. he doesn’t have legs; the definition of his body terminates just below where his ribcage would be, and everything beyond there is an amorphous pile of goo. he can manifest arms (for hugs), but he usually floats his hands around since it’s easier. when he’s stressed or excited, his body melts a bit. he slithers on the ground like a slug, though he actually can move unnervingly fast? he may or may not leave traces of goo everywhere he goes. it’s horrible.

unpopular opinion - alright this is my hottest take in the entire undertale fandom: dadster is GARBAGE. grandpaster is clearly superior. i KNOW you fuckers just want to draw gaster as a hot dad BUT HE’S AN OLD SLIMY PILE OF BONES. YOU CAN’T CHANGE MY MIND. (YOU COULD JUST DRAW HIM AS A SEXY OLD SLIMY PILE OF BONES. IF YOU WEREN'T ALL COWARDS.)

song i associate with them - umm i can’t actually think of anything. maybe tout petit moineau - igorrr??? mostly putting it here bc it’s just one of my favorite songs like ever LMAO. it’s just very haunting, and the absolute chaos it further falls into with each passing moment is so incredible.

maybe also database batadase - gangpol und mit??? this association is even MORE nonexistent but fuck you i can do whatever i want. i associate gaster with synthesized voices in general and i really like this song. yeah that’s it.

favorite picture of them - GASTER ON THE UNDERTALE VINYL SET.

THIS IS THE ONLY OFFICIAL GASTER ART ASIDE FROM HIS SPRITE AND HE’S FUCKING ADORABLE

i still can’t believe i actually own this thing LMAO. as far as i know, he’s only on the cover if you preordered on the day of undertale’s anniversary which i happened to do. although the second set of prints haven’t been shipped yet??—he’s been removed from the boxart on fangamer’s website so there’s honestly a fair chance that he’s not going to be on those copies at all... if so, jesus christ i’m lucky. i can sleep so much more comfortably knowing that he is haunting my room.

[jessicajonesrp]

Round up at the Raft

Somehow, miraculously, Trish actually managed to stay quiet for the majority of the trip to the Raft. Probably because she knew that Jessica, in her pregnant, stressed out, and very sober state, could not handle much more to trigger her temper, and would likely respond to any irritations from Trish by simply jumping out of the car and hitching a cab the rest of the way.

 

Jessica would have thought that would be a plus, Trish’s lack of chattering, but instead, it just gave her own thoughts more time to run rampant until she felt that her skin was riddled with adrenaline that she couldn’t bleed out. She bounced her legs jaggedly from the passenger seat, and by the time they did make it to the outskirts of the East River, just off Roosevelt Island. She had been given the approximate coordinates of the location that the Raft would be made accessible to her for her visit to Phillip, and as Trish drew closer to their destination, Jessica texted back and forth with the doctor, sent ahead of her a couple of hours before, to confirm that he had arrived with the vaccinations and that all staff and prisoners had been appropriately protected against Kilgrave. She had arranged a code word ahead of time for him to use if he had any contact with Kilgrave, and when the word was not used, she could be somewhat assured that everything, so far, was going as hoped.

 

If the doctor could be trusted. And if the vaccines had all worked. If, if, if.

 

Jessica had little nervousness about seeing Phillip again, at least, that she was able to admit to herself. It would be difficult to see the impact that prison life and isolation had on her little brother, but his choices were his own, and he was lucky that he still had any kind of life at all. She hoped that he would remember that and choose to be cooperative, or at least that she would still recognize at least some pieces of the brother she loved in what the Raft was shaping him into now. But that was beyond her control and beside the point.

 

It was the expectation of Kilgrave popping up that jarred her, mentally and emotionally. It didn’t matter how much protection they had put in place for people or how high the chances that they would succeed, Jessica still felt strong dread and responsibility to think of all the people he had harmed already and all those he may still. Even though she was no longer vulnerable to Kilgrave’s commands, nor was Trish, Luke, or the others most important to her, it didn’t mean they couldn’t be harmed by someone who was, or that her PTSD had received that memo.

 

Everything on the river’s shoreline was as had been described to her- a huge garbage scow at the water’s surface, covering up the facility underneath, and although she could not see the cameras or guards, Jessica knew they were there, outside easy surface view. She scanned their surroundings, every muscle drawn taut, and checked the time. Fifteen minutes until the Raft would come to surface, twenty-five until it would submerge. Trish had driven too damn fast for someone who talked about Jessica’s reckless driving skills.

 

She sent Luke a quick text to let him know she and Trish had arrived, distantly aware that Trish was doing the same for Luke. When a warm hand touched her shoulder, Jessica jumped, her head almost hitting the roof of the car, and barely stopped herself from taking a swing at Trish. Trish, used to this, ducked back just out of her reach and removed her hand.

 

“I know you hate pep talks, so, hard as it is, I’ll refrain, even though this is absolutely the perfect time and place for one. Notice and appreciate my self control.”

 

She smiled, her tone playful, but she was obviously assessing Jessica, seeking to reassure in her own sneaky, totally denying it fashion. Jessica shrugged, abruptly shoving open the car’s door.

 

“Whatever, I don’t do appreciation. That falls under etiquette, and that’s just a waste of time. I’m going to go ahead to the shoreline and wait. Don’t come with me.”

 

“You still have time before you can go in,” Trish started, but ignoring her, Jessica continued forward. She noticed and was irritated that Trish also got out of the car and followed her, but didn’t comment on it. It wasn’t like the guards would let her in, she hadn’t been approved for that. If she wanted to stand there and have Jessica not talk to her, well, she would get bored faster than Jessica would, for sure.

 

From the distance, Jessica could hear the smooth, nearly purring engine of an expensive-sounding car, coming closer. She tensed, stopping in her tracks, and resisted the urge to turn around or look over her shoulder. It was probably Danny, coming to accompany them after all, or one of his many employees. Maybe it was even a guard of the Raft, coming in for duty.

 

But she heard Trish’s gasp as the car drew closer, and the other woman’s quickening footsteps as she caught up to Jessica and grabbed hold of her arm. Jessica had to turn then, but even before she saw the figure emerging from the vehicle that had just parked beside theirs, she already knew from the shaky, cold sense of dread spiking through her just who it was that had arrived.

 

“Jessica Jones, we meet again. With sustained effort and perseverance on my part, of course.”

 

Jessica held herself rigidly, noticing with absolute horror that there were three children sitting in the back of the vehicle that Kilgrave had arrived in, all between the ages of approximately five and eight years old. Even more sickening was the fact that all of the children were clearly biracial- just as her own child would be. It was a cruel, evil move, and an obviously intentional reminder of just what Kilgrave was willing to do to Jessica’s own child, if it suited his purpose or goals.

 

“Kilgrave,” she spat out, the word twisted and sharp on her tongue. “What did you do, put a hidden camera in every building in the city? I knew you’d end up here somehow. Fucking knew it.”

 

“No, I simply had bugs implanted in all of the cars under Danny Rand’s ownership that I could get people to get hold of,” he shrugged, unruffled by Jessica’s tone. “Anything to reach you. You should know by now the effort I’m willing to go to, to find you. Doesn’t that prove to you how much I love you? What is it that a man has to do for that to get through?”

 

“No, it proves that you’re a psychotic, sociopathic stalker who doesn’t know how to take no for an answer,” Jessica snapped, not yet taking a step towards him. “And that you’re selfish enough to care more about what you want than anyone else’s life or happiness.”

 

Her eyes remained on the children, who as of yet were sitting seemingly calmly in the car. She could not see from her distance if any of them had been harmed, but she knew from her own experience just how terrified and out of control they must feel.

 

 

“Persistent and devoted would be how I would describe it, but you always did have a sharp tongue. Making everything sound so ugly,” Kilgrave shook his head, making a face of displeased disagreement. “I’d say we can agree to disagree, but I suppose you rather enjoy being contrary. That’s my Jessica.”

 

“I’m not your anything,” Jessica snapped, taking a step towards him, every muscle tensed for confrontation, fists balled at her side. “I’m nothing to you but your victim, and I refuse to be anymore. Let those kids go. This isn’t about them, Kilgrave.”

 

To Trish, she ground out in an undertone, “Trish, go to the car. Right now.”

 

Trish licked her lips, but stood her ground. Kilgrave, to Jessica’s dismay, turned his gaze towards her.

 

“Patsy,” Kilgrave inclined his head towards Trish, obvious disgust in his voice. “Let me ask you, Patsy, how is it that a woman with absolutely no useful abilities or skills manages to escape my efforts to dispose of her on multiple occasions? Is it sheer luck, or do you have some sort of innate self-preservation talent that saves you when your friends cannot? I truly do want to know, now.”

 

It was a command- the first directed at Trish, or at anyone who had been vaccinated, since the doses had been doled out. Jessica nearly held her breath, waiting to see what would happen, her fear choking her throat when Trish opened her mouth to respond.

 

But rather than respond to his question, Trish closed her mouth, shook her head, and smirked.

 

“Too bad for you, Kevin. I don’t feel like talking to you, so it looks like for one of the very first times in your life, you aren’t going to get what you want.”

 

For the first time that Jessica could remember doing so of her own free will, she smiled, right there in Kilgrave’s presence. It was impossible not to when the man’s jaw had nearly dropped to his chest.

 

“That wasn’t an option, Patsy!” he barked, blinking furiously in an effort to regroup himself. “I asked you a question. How is it that you keep escaping death?”

 

“She gave you an answer, didn’t you hear her?” Jessica put in, smirking. “She said it’s none of your fucking business, and no one’s in control of her tongue but her. Including you.”

 

“What she said,” Trish agreed, nodding. “With slightly less profanity. But she got it right all the same.”

 

Kilgrave took a step back, as though Trish’s lack of response to his order was somehow a threat to him, an endangerment. Truthfully, it was, although he could not know to the extent. The vaccines worked- Jessica now had seen the proof for herself, and her heart beat faster now not with fear, but with excitement.

 

They were going to get him. They were going to end this, finally. They just had to get through the next few minutes first.

 

“How did you- this is you!” he sputtered, jabbing a finger in Jessica’s direction. “You infected her somehow. Always you, messing things up, making things harder! Why can’t you ever just let things be!”

 

“Because I have a mind and will of my own, and it isn’t your fucking place to steal it,” Jessica snapped back. “Now get down on the ground, on your stomach, hands behind your back, unless you want me to break your neck. Again. And if you have any other little soldiers in hiding, call them off.”

 

But Kilgrave didn’t respond. When Jessica sprung forward, grabbing him and far from gently throwing him down and into a restraint on the ground herself, she heard Trish gasp, sucking in a breath. Kilgrave, unresisting beneath her, laughed softly to himself.

 

“I have to say, Jessie, this brings back fond memories. I always did like you on top.”

 

“Shut the fuck up!” she snarled, giving him a vicious shake.

 

She drew back her fist to punch him, hard enough to knock him unconscious, but Trish’s sharp calling of her name caused her to look up, then follow her pointing finger to the children, still seated in the car Kilgrave had driven up in. Only now, each of them held a knife to their tiny throats, digging in just enough that Jessica saw small beads of blood come to the surface of their skin.

 

Clearly, they had been holding the knives in their laps, just waiting for Kilgrave to be harmed or restrained. What the fuck was she supposed to do now?

 

Kilgrave laughed, understanding even as Jessica forced his face into the dirt what was happening.

 

“Try it, Jessie, go ahead and kill me. What’s three more deaths, when you can take down big bad me? It’s worth it, isn’t it? Just a few more deaths on your conscience, so what if they happen to be little kids?”

 

Jessica froze, stricken with indecision for several seconds. Then, making a decision, she released Kilgrave, throwing him off and away from her. When the children did not further harm themselves, watching solemnly, fear and pain stark in their wide eyes, and Kilgrave, chuckling, started to get to his feet, Jessica blocked out the words he was saying. Instead she took one long jump, landing somewhat gracelessly next to the children in the car, and tugged open the back door. She pried the knives out of each child’s hand, despite their screams and protesting efforts to regain them, and easily broke the knives into pieces before flinging them hard into the East River. As the children pushed past her out of the car, rushing towards the water’s edge in an effort to retrieve the pieces of knife that were already washing past their ability to find, Jessica grabbed one of them by the wrist, hesitating with a guilty grimace.

 

“Sorry, kid, I have to.”

 

She hit him, with just enough restraint that she prayed it wouldn’t’ cause permanent head injuries, but enough that the child went unconscious. She lay him down gently and snagged a second child. Trish, seeing what her intentions were, used what Jessica assumed to be some of the ninja skills Danny had been teaching her to restrain Kilgrave, even as Jessica rendered the second and last child unconscious and therefore safe from self harm. Coming back to Kilgrave, Jessica shook her head.

 

“You don’t know me. You never did, you never will. And you will never touch me or anyone else again.”

 

Kilgrave flinched, knowing what was coming even before she knocked him out in one blow. She had considered making it a killing one, but at the last second, although she couldn’t explain to herself why, she drew it back, just enough to save his life. Trish, still holding his now limp body gingerly and with disgust, looked up at Jessica, eyes serious.

 

“Jess, there’s less than two minutes left of the Raft being above surface, we have to get him in there, fast!”

 

Jessica had barely registered the Raft rising above the water, able to be accessed. She certainly hadn’t been keeping track of time. She would have been impressed by Trish’s ability to track time while simultaneously battling a psychopath, but there were more important matters at hand.

 

“Then give him to me,” she ground out, already mentally accepting her inability to see Phillip. “I’ve got this.”

 

She snatched him from Trish, jumping from where she stood the forty feet or so distance to the Raft’s surface with Kilgrave slung over her shoulder like a potato sack. The guards, standing ready to confirm her identity and purpose for her admission, seemed unfazed as she shoved him at them.

 

“This is Kilgrave, the one you had to get the shots for. Newest prisoner. Don’t know or care what proper protocol for admission is, he needs to be in here. Now, and forever. Don’t trust him, and don’t fuck this up. Someone will call you later if you need.”

 

Abruptly she leapt back onto shore, just in time to see the stoic guards putting obviously specialized cuffs on his wrists and punching in codes to take him inside. As the Raft began to descend beneath the water’s surface once more, Jessica let her shoulders sag, her heartbeat finally beginning to slow. She could see Trish checking the children’s vitals from the corner of her eyes, making sure they were all stable, but just for the moment, she closed her eyes, letting herself breathe.

 

It was over, again. At least for now.

 

Taking out her phone, she texted Luke. “Out of Raft. Not that I went in. Kilgrave showed. He’s their newest prisoner now.”

 

[inspired-by-the-music]

Missing the shinee universe guys. What kind of place do you think each couple would move into first? Who would wait until they were married or engaged first? Who would live in a condo, apartment, fixer upper home? -SLA

Ahhh, shinee universe! I had every intention of revisiting the shinee universe before I dedicated my whole life to the ever-expanding For You universe, so thank you for this question! feel free to send more!

Once Aimee and I sat down to talk about this, we pumped out our answers pretty quickly. A big chunk of the delay in answering was due to the fact that I re-read the shinee universe to get the answers canonically correct, so you should probably prepare for a novel, SLA! As always, pls feel free to tell me what you think! -Ash

It’s so weird to write these answers out of order, but I decided that it would be best to do this in the order in which the members get married!

Minho

It’s already established that Minho is total husband material, so it’s probably not shocking that he’s the first in this bunch to get married

Minho and his significant other don’t move in together until wedding plans are underway

They move into a house that isn’t technically in the city, but everything is still accessible on the frequent occasion that Minho wants to take his lady out on a date 

Minho encourages his fiancee to make all of the fun decisions about decorations for the wedding and for the house while he deals with what he considers “boring adult stuff”

Although he tries his best not to show it, Minho gets so stressed from all the planning that he decides within himself that he’s NEVER moving again

So he picks a house that has every feature anyone could ever need. He even thinks ahead to make room for any future children. 

All in all, Minho wants to settle into comfortable domestic happiness with the person he loves. Obviously, he’ll still be fun and competitive and exciting, but he doesn’t try to prove that by moving into a new, bigger, fancier house every other year or by making constant home improvements

Plus, he’s a little too busy helping Jinki to start his own projects

Jonghyun

Canonically, Jonghyun and his girlfriend live together in an apartment before they’re married

Although he is the second to get married, he wasn’t in any particular rush to propose until a few years into the relationship when his gf marries off the main characters in her newest best-selling novel

She had never written about a wedding before! Knowing that writing is where she explores her dreams, Jonghyun immediately goes into town to buy a ring after finishing the book. 

(He left in such a hurry, in fact, that he left the book on the park bench. His heart dropped until he found it still sitting where he left it, guarded by a kind old lady who was feeding the birds)

He’s a pretty creative guy himself, so he doesn’t exactly copy the proposal from the novel or from any movies or dramas. 

Very little changes in their daily lives after marriage since they were practically living as a married couple soon after their first hello. 

The wedding rings aren’t the first matching rings Jonghyun and his girl wear to express their love, but there is something special about them that even Jonghyun can’t express in any song-- something that his wife can’t describe in any book

Onew

Jinki is shook because his girlfriend brings up marriage first

His response id delayed not because he’s afraid of commitment but because, “Wow, I didn’t think I’d ever get this far in dating!”

Then, he laughs as he reminds her about their catastrophic iconic first date, and she laughs too, and somehow it’s decided that this is an adequate proposal. 

Jinki still buys her an engagement ring because “She deserves it!” It’s probably blue and beautiful. 

On one of his days off, Jinki gets lost in one of those home renovation marathons on tv, and decides, “I can do that!”

He realizes very quickly that he cannot do that, but he’s already bought a new house that’s in desperate need of renovations so he can’t turn back

Minho and Taemin are the only people who respond to his SOS texts. Place your bets on who steps up to build that house from the ground up!

Onew and Taemin aren’t entirely useless. Onew helps with some heavy lifting, and Taemin. . . well, he makes good playlists, and his awestruck stares fuel Minho’s superhuman strength

Onew has a distorted sense of his contribution to the construction of his house. He brags to everyone, “I built my home with my own to hands!” 

And he also constantly tackles home improvement goals that would never be accomplished without Minho’s help. 

Taemin

While Taemin is one of those “live in the moment” people, he’s also one who believes in destiny. It was never a matter of if he would get married to his girlfriend; it was a matter of when. 

Never truly afraid or embarrassed, Taemin told her outright very early in their relationship, “I’ll marry you one day-- when we’re al grown up!” He meant it, and she knew it. Neither of them is rushing to grow up, though. 

In the meantime, they enjoy each other’s company. They don’t technically live together, but she stays at Taemin’s apartment most of the time because his balcony provides the best sight of the moon and stars she has ever seen

Their favorite pastime is pestering his group members. 

Because Minho is her brother, he is the first target. Uninvited, they invaded his kitchen one morning, knowing well that neither of them knew how to cook to save their lives. Minho would have scolded them then and there when he barrelled down the stairs in his pajamas, expecting to find a burglar, had his wife not smiled so fondly at their effort to play house

Next came Jonghyun, but he wasn’t a satisfying target for any pranky because he always welcomes Taemin and his girlfriend with open arms. He even invites them to spend the night on the pull out sofa in the living room. His hospitality sends them onto the next victim. 

If anything, though, they are Jinki’s victim. When he isn’t insisting on giving them a tour of the house he built with his own two hands-- the house Taemin watched Minho build-- or forcing them to watch home renovation marathons, Jinki asks them with a broad smile, “So, when are you two gonna get married and make me a grandpa?”

Key is the only satisfying target. Taemin and his girl were able to spend an entire weekend in Key’s attic undetected!

“What’s making that noise up there?” Key’s girlfriend asked on the literal day that she moved in.

Key joked, “It’s the demon!”

Determined to prove Key wrong (or right by terrorizing everyone), Taemin stomped on the floor and screamed, “I’m not a demon!”

Suffice it to say that Taemin is lucky to see his wedding day after the beating scolding he received from Key

Key

Key doesn’t really plan to get married. He’s not opposed or anything, but he would only do it after a series of serious conversations with his significant other

He’s not one to judge, but he feels like most people rush in their relationships, and he’s not really about that life. Lowkey thinks Jonghyun is a maniac for moving in with his gf just a month into dating but anyway

His house isn’t a mansion or anything, but it’s obviously too big for just one or two people. He likes to live lavishly. His bathroom is practically a personal spa. 

The first time she visits, his girlfriend thinks he’s kinda weird for living in such a big place without a roommate, but she hides that behind compliments about the interior design or something. 

Key is the least likely to fantasize about living with his significant other. Like, no offense, but his house is his sanctuary. He likes having his own space. Also, he’s kinda particular about his living habits(and he doesn’t really want to share any of his closet space). 

Key only invites his girlfriend to live with him after they’ve been together long enough for him to decide that they can live together in harmony

This is somewhat unrelated, but I imagine that Key hired a housekeeper for a while, but he’s that kind of person who always went through the rooms to reorganize/clean things to his own (admittedly high) standard. So one day he wakes up like “What am I paying this person for?”

Key likes to complain and get under his gf’s skin, so she’s probably not counting the days until she gets to move in either tbh

They definitely 100% bicker the most out of all the couples, but that’s just how they communicate. They make up for their many petty arguments through the week with frequent ‘self-care’ nights wherein they watch dramas while wearing mud masks and sipping wine. 

[doberbutts]

I aspire to train dogs one day as a side gig, service dogs specifically, and I’ve always been a +R trainer. However, after reading your recent posts I am discovering that my training choices have been highly influenced by my dogs personalities as well as my own privilege. With my current dog, anything negative and he shuts down. He was abused, with the cigarette scars to prove it, and is very sensitive. However, when he was younger we did struggle with him and took him to training classes 1/

At the time, I had my parents supporting me and they were doing alright money wise so we could afford it. I couldn’t believe my friends who suggested I just get an e collar and be done with it when I could easily take him to classes. But now that I’m in a different situation financially, I can definitely sympathize with people who can’t afford to do that. I’m lucky in that I was able to learn a lot from professional trainers before I got to where I am now (scraping together pennies for food) 2/

And I think you’ve made some very valid points. I was always taught that it was your responsibility to train your pet, and while that’s true, it doesn’t suddenly give you the funds to handle sudden behavioral problems when they arise. When my dog became aggressive, I located trainers in my area who would work with him, and they wanted $200 a session. I can’t afford that. But luckily I have a yard to exercise him in and training knowledge to help him. Not everyone has those options. So yeah, 3/

keep talking about this, because it needs to spread in the dog training community. Since I’m not a professional trainer, I’ve only worked with dogs for free in the past and only on very basic things. But your post makes me want to learn more about how to help low income and POC with their dogs, and how to spread training knowledge in the first place. Like holding free clicker training clinics, going to low cost clinics and posting fliers for low cost training. Idk. But I want to help. 4

Also I know your whole point was not everyone can do +R (which I now agree with) but I feel like it would be useful to teach people the basics so they can work on behaviors in the home, or even for trick training! And sorry for all the messages, I’m processing a lot of information and I get very excited about dogs. 5/5

If you are serious about wanting to help PoC, something I do is low cost training for low income households on the side. Effectively, if someone approaches me saying they cannot afford my usual pricing ($80/1hr/at home) then I tell them instead to pay me what they can afford and what they feel is fair. This means that sometimes I get paid nothing (though that is quite rare), sometimes I get $20 or so, sometimes I get a pie, whatever. But this allows these clients to get the help they need with their dogs while also giving them the chance to keep their dignity and pride- many people do not like accepting free stuff/charity because they feel they do not deserve it. By telling them to pay me only what they feel they can part with, it allows them to feel as though they have given me some manner of compensation and thus it’s no longer me pitying them and they are paying for a service, even if it’s steeply discounted.

This does not put food on my table, it’s usually extra supplementary income on top of my full time job which is what actually pays my bills. I usually only take a few of these clients at a time because otherwise I’d be full of clients who honestly cannot afford me, and thus I would not be able to afford anything of mine either. But it DOES help them keep their dogs, and that’s what matters more to me tbh. I have a job to keep my lights on. It’d be nice to get the full amount, sure, but I don’t need it like they do.

It’s always the responsibility of the owner to train their pet, but let’s be honest here, when you get a dog that’s nice enough upon meeting, you’re not really expecting to need to cough up $200+ per session fixing an aggression issue. You’re not expecting a dog that needs multiple times per week of private training to move forward. This is the situation the woman tasing her dog fell into- her kids brought home a cute, nice enough puppy that she couldn’t easily be rid of (due to BSL) and he turned into an absolute monster upon adolescence and no one had any preparations for it. He went from being a happy, waggy tail, friendly dog to a dog that was putting holes in her, her kids, and their visitors. Now she really can’t be rid of him because if BSL didn’t kill him first, his bite record would eventually catch up to them. Sure, there’s a +R way to fix this behavior... but how fast is it? She has her children to worry about. She has her visitors to worry about. She has herself to worry about. And that’s not to mention that if anyone reports her dog as an aggressive pit bull (or even simply as a pit bull) he will be taken and killed by the state. She was between a rock and a hard place for a behavior issue in a dog she never asked for. Then she gets some seriously terrible advice and decides, why not, what’s she got to lose?

There is a reason I say that instead of legislating, why don’t we educate? Legislation is literally part of what caused this woman’s issue in the first place- if there was no BSL in that area, she could have given the dog to rescue when he was still a nice puppy and they could have gotten him into a foster home that would have started him on the path towards good behavior, instead of what she got instead. If she had been educated on the issues with a large, powerful, fighting breed that may or may not be pure and also may or may not hate dogs or even humans due to his genetic temperament or lack of correct socialization, maybe she would have sought out the cheaper petstore training first and would have caught the problem long before it turned into a dog no one could get near without earning a few level 4 bites. If the trainer she spoke to at Petco had educated her on better management while also doing their part to refer her out to any number of people in the area that would have helped (+R AND balanced), she would never have started tasing her dog. 

Instead, I got to be the one to do all that.

The problem wasn’t even that she wouldn’t listen- her kids wouldn’t and that’s another story, but the adult in the situation was perfectly willing to make whatever changes she had to make in order to make sure her dog’s life was as good as it could be while also ensuring he didn’t continue to bite people. The problem was that she was ignorant and could not afford access to the information she needed. Without my low cost “pay what you can” offer, she would never have been able to get help for her dog. If the dog is already landing level 3 and 4 bites on people, it’s only a matter of time before that turns into a mauling or worse, the dog killing someone in that house. Or she would have landed herself in jail, using her taser on her dog every time he went after someone until he just up and died from the stress on his heart.

Instead, everyone was more concerned with giving conflicting opinions on whether she was wrong, meanwhile she literally couldn’t afford to be shown what was right.

[ezraeuropium]

SAINT BERNARD [𝙴𝙿𝙸𝚂𝙾𝙳𝙴 𝙾𝙽𝙴 — ❝𝙷𝙰𝚆𝙺𝚂❞] (one-shot series)

ACCESS MASTERLIST [HERE] 

note before you read; this is basically a compilation series of one-shots that i’ll write. some requests will be from wattpad as well as here. there will be no one-shot that end up into two-shots, etc (those will be posted outside of this series). requests are open [0/10] slot are currently taken up (meaning there open), so feel free to request a character. i do have a list of prompts on my profile if you cannot think of any. i also write in second person / gender neutral reader to include everyone! enjoy!

word count: 2001 warnings: hawks commits cannibalism. 

[NAME] MARRIED AN IDIOT.

it became crystal clear as they stood on the street, watching their husband bounce up and down in undeniable excitement. the two were supposed to be patrolling through their assigned district, but hawks had become distracted by one thing — chicken nuggets. one of the men that lived in the area had a different meat every day of the week, and today had been chicken nugget day.

and hawks insisted to stop.

usually [NAME] avoided going on patrol with hawks. it proved to be distracting and a liability. however, this was the rare chance that they were ever assigned the same area as their husband — they could count how many times they patrolled with one hand.

"hawks," [NAME] stressed, their eyebrow twitching in slight annoyance. "we're supposed to be working!"

their husband turned to them with a playful pout, and a mischievous look dancing in his eyes. "oh, it's just a few minutes, sweetheart!"

"it's cannibalism," they retorted, crossing their arms over their chest. "you're eating a fellow bird, and people need help." one thing [NAME] was not going to do was fall into the man's charm. "or maybe the chickens need help since it seems that's all you seem to eat."

hawks grinned, "one, it's not cannibalism unless you make it cannibalism. two, you diet does not only consist of chicken— you're on it." the blond-haired man sent a went their way.

[NAME] tried not to gang. years ago, his ridiculous flirting might have worked on them, but now it was so common it was disgusting (even though sometimes hawks had his moments). now, however, was not a good moment for their husband to reference their sex life. any other time would have been fine, but they were on the clock, and [NAME] was ready to drag the man away from the shitty meat stand. hawks could get chicken nuggets from wacdonald's on the way back home.

"i'm making it cannibalism," they pushed once more. "come on. i'm tired and do not want to deal with your childish bullshit right now."

to anyone else, this might have seemed harsh. hawks had known [NAME] since middle school, however, and knew that they were a serious person, at least when it came to work. if work wasn't in the way, [NAME] easily reminded hawks of one particular yuuei student — kaminari denki. hawks knew that his lover was one of the biggest idiots he knew, maybe more so than himself. [NAME] had — somehow — managed to light a banana on fire during breakfast one morning, and claimed that it was magic (same person did not have a fire quirk). it was easy for hawks not to take most of what his lover said to heart. he was glad that they were at least serious about being a hero.

"go work then," hawks smiled, bumping his hip playfully against theirs. "you don't need to babysit me."

[EYE COLOR] eyes stared at hawks for a solid minute before a hum of acknowledgment left [NAME]. it was true, they didn't have to babysit hawks, but rather, they didn't want to leave him for their own well-being. having an offensive quirk was not something they were lucky to have. instead, [NAME] had a defensive quirk and they worked better when paired off with someone. the quirk was called hack. it allowed [NAME] to worm themselves into anything electronic. they could see every security camera in the city with the blink of their eyes, or rather, messing with the wavelengths that they could see in the air. bigger cities in japan always held a lot of wavelengths, and luckily for [NAME], they managed to successfully prevent having a headache with activating their quirk and seeing the instant flash of different color wavelengths. it did make them sick to the stomach after a while of activation.  

"don't get distracted," [NAME] reminded their husband. they leaned forward, giving the man a rare — for work — kiss on the cheek. hawks sent them a blistering white smile, and [NAME] could remember being weak for it when they were both scouted for personal hero educations. times had been hard then, especially when [NAME] started becoming interested in things that shouldn't have been important. romance was one thing they shouldn't have been focused on, and it wasn't. at least, not until they read some american woman's magazine and it sparked curiosity in their mind. it was a day of instant regret and resolution.

turning away from hawks, [NAME] made their way down the street, watching as the world around them moved in peace. peace was such a fragile word, especially when chaos could erupt at any second, or if one's mind wondered to what was happened else where in the world, then things were never at peace. the false ideology made them force a smile on their face, or at least while they were doing work. all might did things with a smile, so that was what [NAME] was going to do.

there was a small cry, and [NAME] turned their head to look for the sound. a frown was on staining their [SKIN COLOR] face, and they made their way towards the noise; the cries grew louder with every step. children were something that [NAME] did not specialize in, even if they dealt with children on a regular basis. children were so small and easy to damage, and the fear of seeing one hurt never sat well with them. so, seeing a small child sitting in the corner of a street, tucked in a ball with a pair of elegant white wings protecting them, made [NAME] worried.

walking up to the child, the pro-hero knelt down beside the kid. [NAME] put a soft, comforting smile on their face before they spoke up, careful not to scare the child. "hey, sweetie. i'm the pro-hero anon," they introduced. the child startled slightly, peaking her head out from the wings, staring at [NAME] with watery eyes. "do you know where your guardian is?" the hero pushed gently. [NAME] was careful not to say parents. there were several children who's parents have passed or abandoned them, and it was easier to use guardian as it didn't hold tight bonds, but enough so the child was in the care of another.

"nah. . . no," the smaller girl mumbled. "mama was with me, but. . . but now she's not!"

[NAME] gave a nodding of understanding. it was common for children to be separated from their guardians — sad to say. bigger cities meant bigger population, which caused a bit of discord on the streets that never seemed to stop moving. "well, how about we go find her? i'm sure she's looking for you too! you're her little angel after all, yeah?"

"mama calls me that! how'd you know!" the girl said, brightening up. [NAME] nearly laughed, amused. children were easily distracted, but the pro-hero was just glad to have the girl to stop crying. if there had been any more tears, well, [NAME] wouldn't have known what to do. as a child, [NAME] had been a bit of an overly sensitive child, but somehow, learning to care for others and their own tears was lost.

"it was a lucky guess!" really, it would have been a surprise if no one say the girl as a tiny angel. she had small wings that would grow as she did. her hair was in bouncy brown curls, and her eyes were glistening with a wet universe. the girl would breathtaking when she was older, and [NAME] wondered what greatness was in store for the small girl.

[NAME] opened up their arms for the girl to come to them. it would be easier to walk around holding the child, especially since the child would spot her mother easily if she was in [NAME]'s arms. the girl hesitated for a moment, and the pro-hero was about to put their arms down. they weren't going to make the child uncomfortable. [NAME] might have been a hero, but to the child, they were nothing but a stranger. however, the child had founder herself in the pro-hero's arms. carefully, [NAME] stood up, adjusting the tiny angel to their hip.

"can you see?"

"mhm! you're tall like mama!" so, the child's mom was tall, that helped a little bit. the woman would be around [NAME]'s height, if the child indicated a hint towards her mother's height, even if it was unintentional.

[NAME] looked through the crowd of people, before their gaze fell on the girl. "what does mama look like?"

the girl's nose scrunched up. "she's really, really pretty! she's got blond hair like a pom pom! and, and she had big black wings! mama said i got uncle's wings! they're big and white too!"

that. . . that made things a lot more easier than [NAME] thought. the large black wings helped clue her in. there weren't many people who had bird like quirks. [NAME] had only know hawks and tokoyami to have one, but that was personally. besides that, it was always people in passing, and there weren't a lot.

"wow, you're mama sounds amazing! just like you!" [NAME] cooed, their [EYE COLOR] orbs scanning the crowd. their teeth nibbled on their lower lip, before a small sequel escaped the child. "anon! anon! there's mama! she's with a man with wings, but their red! i want red wings!"

[NAME] turned around and snorted. there was a small panicked look on hawks face, but that was because the girl's mom look like since was in hysterics, which was not funny. they weaved their way through the people, [NAME] making sure to have a good grip on the girl.

"um, ma'am! is this your daughter?" the pro-hero exclaimed as they closed in on hawks and the woman. [NAME] didn't bother to take note of the to-go box in hawks hand, which was no doubt filled with chicken nuggets.

the woman let out a cry of relief. "yes! oh, adami, my little angel!"

the girl wiggled in [NAME]'s arms, and they didn't waste a moment by handing the child to her mother. the woman looked toward's name with a glossy eyed smile and thanked them. [NAME] simply waved it off, saying it was only natural that they'd help.

hawks watched the interaction for a moment before silently moving on with his lover. "i didn't know you were so good with kids."

[NAME] let out a laugh, rolling their eyes. they pulled their phone out checking the time. they had enough time to go clock out, even if hawks wasted part of this shift on chicken nuggets. "i'm not any good with them."

"so, you don't want any?"

there was a pregnant pause, and [NAME] looked at their husband. "do you?"

hawks gave a shrug, a small smile on his face. "i wouldn't mind one."

[NAME] frowned. there was one thing they couldn't do and that was produced a child. they were infertile and deleted all options of even having a child with their dna in it. "you know i can't, even if i wouldn't mind."

"[NAME]. . . we can always adopt, and it doesn't have to be now. it can be in a week, a year, or even a decade, or never. i'll stand by your choice."

their throat felt dry, and they reached to hold hawks hand. "keigo — I want to have a family, but — soon, i promise." hawks — no, keigo — leaned over and kissed his lover on the forehead, and [NAME] knew they had all the time in the world, and the ring on their finger was enough to prove that. if only keigo would stop eating his own species that is.

[thegeminisage]

the south is like another country

i have an entire essay on how the current radicalism and steep political divide in this country can be traced directly back to the civil war - rural white southerners here playing the part pre-ww2 germany, the part of a resentful, conquered nation assimilated into the nation that conquered them, because if you think about it the south/the confederacy WAS its own nation for a time, that lost a very bloody war, and paid very steeply for it (not that slavers didn’t deserve every bit of misery the “carpetbaggers” threw at them), and the bitterness from that loss/the lost capital from having their slaves freed has been handed down through the generations, to people who now live in abject poverty while their livelihoods are destroyed by late stage capitalism, and their schools are so broke a lot of people here don’t even know how to read, and their towns are eaten alive with meth, and they’re still looked down upon by most of the country for being racist uneducated backwater hicks (to be clear, we should always look down on racism and racists, but it’s not making them any less bitter/ripe for being drawn into the cult of tr*mp’s america and f*cism).

but anyway this post isn’t about that! this post is about how when i go up north and i say “y’all it really is like i’m living in a different country” NOBODY BELIEVES ME. we speak the same language, we’re all americans, right? PFFFFFT. this amazon van thing just drives it home (pun intended). here’s a list of differences from the deep south* to the rest of the country*:

*the deep south here meaning the RURAL deep south. sorry to everyone who lives in cities/the suburbs and/or in border states like maryland and virginia. i’ve been to maryland and virginia and they are technically southern and some of this applies to them but it is not quite as extreme as it is here. the rest of the country includes the other states i’ve been to (california, washington state, new york, etc), which are in mostly every area except the midwest. i cannot personally vouch for the midwest. sorry, midwesterners! rural midwest probably has a lot of things in common with the deep south because rural life is different and also how easily people move around this country, but whatever

this is a long-ass post get ready

difference #1: DRIVING. driving & pedestrians are entirely different un rural areas vs urban areas. for starters, southern towns often do not even have sidewalks. this is because of 1. budget and 2. racism.

budget: rural towns are very spread out, and it costs major $$$ to put sidewalks in. it’s just not worth the trouble, financially, to put a sidewalk where only 12 people are ever going to use it, AND spend the money to maintain it. never gonna happen. racism: initially, suburbs especially in the south were seen as safe havens where people could get away from the stress of living in “urban” (re: integrated) areas. that the neighborhoods were only accessible by car and NOT by people who were too poor (black) to afford automobiles were just an added bonus. 

as such, the first time i left the southeast, i was SHOCKED to see people walking and biking WITH (or indifferent to) the flow of traffic. down here we are taught that if you are walking along the road (or biking, because bikers get lumped in with pedestrians down here), it is very very very crucial that you walk against the flow of traffic, because you cannot expect drivers to see you and not mow you down. the onus is on YOU to get out of THEIR way. additionally, walking in knee-high grass along the side of the road sucks, and because there aren’t many people here, the roads are usually totally empty. so oftentimes pedestrians just straight up walk ON the road. and if you do that you absolutely have to be able to see a car coming from a long way away, because rural drivers on completely empty roads tend to take them at extremely high speeds just for fun. the people who live diagonally across from me have had to replace their mailbox four times because folks take that blind curve at 90mph. i had a cat get hit by a car on that road. (they all live indoors now.) i even witnessed a car accident happen there when i was just outside minding my own business. ever see a tire fly 12 feet into the air and come down into someone’s windshield? that’s what happens when you hit power line pole driving like that.

the first time i ever encountered one of those pedestrian crossing buttons was in california in the early 2010s. i had literally never seen one before because we simply don’t have them here. they’re not very self-explanatory if you have been jaywalking your whole entire life because all you’re taught to do is look both ways and make sure the street is empty before you cross. northern/urban roadways are made so that pedestrians and drivers can both get to where they’re going. in rural/southern areas pedestrians might as well not bother.

interestingly, while not an entirely southern problem, there’s a loose correlation between rural areas and more problems with drunk drivers.

on the driving side, driving in a city is batshit insane. it’s both faster and slower. there is NO space and you’re expected to go whenever you have so much as an inch to worm your way in. there’s more traffic, and the traffic totally dictates your speed. in the south you can change lanes if you want to drive faster or slower and weave around traffic or let it weave around you, but in a city there’s no other lane to change to and if you don’t drive at the speed of the people ahead of and behind you you will die. you turn fast, you brake fast, etc. whenever i come back from driving in a city the people who ride with me think i’m insane. you don’t PULL ONTO A ROAD if you can SEE ANOTHER CAR THERE, what the fuck? meanwhile i’m like “lol that is six miles of space i have plenty of time” and give everyone in my vicinity heart palpitations until i readjust. 

tailgating in a rural area is something only assholes do (done by people on a two-lane road to encourage the person in front of them to go faster because the only other lane is for oncoming traffic), and if someone gets within one car length of me on a two-lane road i can very passively aggressively slow my vehicle to a crawl until they back the fuck off. in a city you’re lucky if you have a twelve inches between your bumper and the next car’s hood ornament.

difference #2: LANGUAGE. this is a small one, but the southern dialect combined with the lack of literacy means i am learning certain things late in life. phrases i have heard verbally with my ears but had never seen written out include: “chest of drawers” which i thought was “chester drawers” - “seven year itch” which i thought was “seven year each” - “albeit” which i thought was “i’ll be it.” i’ve made a deliberate effort to unlearn mine own accent/dialect but i run into weird shit all the time. remotes are mashers, shopping carts are buggies, you put stuff up instead of putting it away, i fix you a drink instead of pouring you one, we shoot the game instead of play it. my mom LITERALLY can’t understand me if i speak too quickly - she has to remind me all the time to slow down and put on my southern.

difference #3: TECHNOLOGY. issue of whether or not you personally have the creepy amazon vans aside, the rural south is behind the rest of the country on technology. things in cities are AUTOMATED. things like the little button you press to cross the street, tickets you take at parking garages, even the parking meters you find in cities, that’s just the beginning of it. one time i came across a little computer touch screen in a MCDONALDS where you put your order in. you didn’t even go up to the counter. you just put your order on the screen and swiped your card and then they got it ready for you and you never had to speak to a human person. self-checkouts, gas pumps where you can swipe your card and not go in and pay at first...the south got those YEARS behind everybody else. in the mid-2010s i went to DC and visited a target for maybe the 5th time ever and i was BAFFLED by the self-checkout. i had no idea how to use it! it was like less than ten years ago and i was IN MY TWENTIES and i had never seen one before! when we send a package we have to talk to a human person. when we order food we usually have to talk to a human person. apps for places like dominos and subway have not been in use here for very long. my county just got doordash LAST YEAR. 

because i am 31, and because the south is so technologically behind, i am actually old enough to remember how when you used to go to a gas station an attendant would not only pump your gas but wash your windshield for you while you just SAT IN THE CAR. that seems like something from the 50s but it actually was a thing here in my childhood IN the 90s. i wish i was making this up.

difference #4: INFRASTRUCTURE. this sort of goes hand-in-hand w/ the last point because so much of our infrastructure is made of technology, and it’s also more of a rural/urban thing than a south/north thing. but just for fun here’s a non-exhaustive list of things i don’t have in my town:

starbucks* - the first time i went to a starbucks i was in my 20s

a public pool - we used to, but now the only pool here requires a YMCA membership. the only baseball diamond in this county is also at the Y.

walmart

in fact, ANYWHERE to buy clothes that is not a goodwill or other secondhand store. i cannot buy clothing unless i order it online or LEAVE MY TOWN. almost all of the clothing i own is from walmart because it’s one of the only places in my entire county where you can actually PURCHASE clothing.

grocery store chains? pffft. my town has two entire stores and both are small southern chains. i didn’t go into a publix for the first time until two years ago when i went to florida. i’ve NEVER entered a whole foods.

food delivery? yeah, no. like i said, we got doordash last year, but before that the only place you could get delivery from was a pizza chain. we only have two pizza places in my town that deliver, and one is a local place, not attached to any chain, so i can’t spend my loyalty points there. (it’s very expensive there too.) last year it was CLOSED for six months because the manager got caught dealing meth. every last one of the delivery drivers was trafficking it for him. they all got fired and had to restart from the ground up. for that short time, it was not possible to get any food delivered to your house whatsoever.

a hospital/ambulance services - if someone is sick, we have to take them to the hospital in laurens, the town next door (about 15-20 minutes by car). the town i live in lucky - we have our own police and fire departments. (acab but you know what i mean.) joanna is a smaller town next to mine that isn’t a real town - it’s been demoted to a census designated area because only 2000 people live there. if they have an emergency, they have to use OUR fire and police departments, and LAURENS’s ambulance/hospital system

after-school places kids can go to keep from getting into trouble. we have the Y, if you have money (no one here has money), and we have churches, but mostly schools can’t afford to run too many extracurriculars. there’s nothing to do here but church and meth.

food banks: zero. we have food DRIVES sometimes where people will come from further away and bring free food, but if you’re hungry, there’s nowhere you can go for help - you have to wait for help to come to you.

libraries: we don’t have our own library. we have a branch of the county library that’s physically located in our town. but we share books with the rest of the entire county, so everything is always checked out or at the other branch. 

*we technically have a starbucks that’s in the local college campus, but only college students are allowed to be there. they’ll still serve people without a college ID because no one gives a fuck, but you can’t linger and loiter and hang out like you do in a normal starbucks. we also have one in the barnes and noble in greenville, which is about an hour away by car, but again, it’s a mini starbucks that serves a limited menu and none of that weird Starbucks Culture™

here’s a few things i don’t have in my ENTIRE COUNTY:

movie theaters - technically. we have a Historial™ one-screen theater in laurens that shows one movie for two weeks a month after it hits regular theaters and then switches to another, and if you miss it, too bad. this is a VERY recent addition - it wasn’t restores until i was in my 20s as a kid and a teenager i had to ride in a car an hour or more to go to the movies.

target. only commies and yankees have target. down here we do walmart.

malls

arcades

skate parks/skating rinks

bowling

museums

zoos/aquariums

campgrounds

fairs. our county fairground got razed a decade ago because there just werent enough people showing up to justify the expense. so no more fairs. you have to have people to fund things and down here there just aren’t enough people anywhere.

you get the idea. we don’t have entertainment. like i said, nothing to do but church and meth.

CLASSES FOR STUFF: knitting classes, dancing classes, driving classes? nope. gymnastics, karate dojos, golf, knitting groups, books clubs, cooking classes? [GAMESHOW BUZZER]. you can’t even hire a clown for a birthday party out here. we do have a shooting range. ONE. in the entire county. and a race track. and a rather infamous former kkk memorabilia store. they made a movie about that (serious tw for this trailer - they’ve got white hoods, burning crosses, pepper spray, the whole nine), which, yes, takes place in laurens, aka right next door to me. i used to walk by that place all the time when i was playing pokemon go. haven’t seen the movie but the shooting locations in the trailer make laurens look a lot bigger and prettier than it really is in real life - especially the racetrack, which, in the trailer, is actually PAVED. (this is inaccurate to real life.)

EDUCATION: lots of people can’t read. we have two schools for illiterate adults, one religious college, and one branch of one of the state colleges that has a skeleton staff and a fuck ton of computers (you basically just go there to distance learn/e-learn - if you want to take real classes from this college, you have to drive at least an hour.)

support groups/group therapy: almost none. we have al-anon and weight watchers, but that’s about it. there’s only half a dozen therapists in my entire county, and none that operate from my town. mental healthcare down here is bullshit.

on food: we don’t have many sit-down restaurants, where servers bring you your menu and your food. if you don’t count waffle houses, my town has 4. my county has 9. in and out, 5 guys, applebees, ruby tuesday, red lobster, olive garden, panda epxress? forget it. those places were and still are rare treats. i’ve only been to an olive garden twice. red lobster once. whenever i leave my county i BEG for chinese because there’s only two chinese restaurants in our entire county and one of them is crazy expensive and the other one sucks. 

we also don’t have the more important stores you need to like, live. if we need to exchange our router at a charter store? yeah, we don’t have one. need to visit the sprint store to get your phone repaired? nuh-uh, we don’t have any phone stores either. my family recently switched to at&t because it was the only company that had a physical location in our county. before that, we had to drive an hour for even the smallest repair.

on a grimer note: we don’t have homeless shelters! homeless in laurens county? too bad for you. we do have homeless PEOPLE. they just have nowhere to go except the churches

hospitals? only kind of. like i said, our county has one, but it’s not equipped to take seriously sick people. when my mom had a heart attack she had to be driven straight to greenwood, which is 45 minutes away if you’re not in an ambulance. they obviously made it faster than that, but still. that was scary. it took them a long time to get here. i had a distant relative of mine die before the ambulance made it because they were SO far out in the sticks, even further than me.

we also don’t have any specialty stores. sporting goods, gamestops, shoe stores, florists, craft stores, bookstores, best buys...forget it. if you can’t buy it at walmart, you just can’t buy it. the exceptions: my TOWN has one jewelry store, two hardware stores, and two auto repair stores. my COUNTY has three clothing stores, none of which are in my town, one place that sells used TVs, and one movie rental place. thrilling, right? i can rent a movie if i drive out of town. (i know streaming killed the rental business, but we also only had two places when i was a kid, if you counted the rental section in the grocery store.)

so, yeah. i know the term “shithole” is really loaded these days, but rural areas are just plain less developed, and often in seriously poor repair because nobody fucking uses them. there USED to be more stuff here - my mom was on a bowling league, and as a kid i had a birthday party at a skating rink - but late stage capitalism and drugs destroyed it all. people ran out of money to do things like skate and bowl and so those places closed. the south is full of empty store fronts and deserted strip malls slowly being eaten by kudzu. my brother got out of this town and whenever he winds up back here (not often) he remarks on how completely and utterly dead everything feels. “my friends who live in greenwood now think they’re all rural,” he said once. “they complain constantly about how remote it is. but they have no idea. they wouldn’t make it five minutes out here.” greenwood has its own movie theater, mall, starbucks, homeless shelter, food bank, and hospital.

so, yeah! if you were wondering what rural white southerners are so fucking mad about, that’s part of it. propaganda and xenophobia and racism has their anger directed ENTIRELY at the wrong people, but it’s hard to argue that the anger itself isn’t just a little bit justified.

difference #5: CULTURE. specifically culture around food, and the culture around the civil war. i could write an entire other essay about the culture of the church being everything because the church IS the only semblance of infrastructure we have and this is why the south is so homophobic, but we’ll skip that for now.

food: this is a quickie, because i sort of touched on it already, but there are like, almost NO vegetarian options here. there’s very limited choices of cuisine. it’s ALL waffle house and soul food. we have a lot of mexican places because we’re physically close to the mexican border, but aside from that, forget finding like indian or thai or japanese or anything like that. no sushi. forget finding a menu that has meals that are halal or kosher. there’s just. no culture here. no variety. you know? like i said, our entire county doesn’t even hit double-digits for proper sit-down restaurants.

civil war: i’m not going to go into the big stuff since i sort of covered it at the top and also this post is getting way too long, but to other white rural southerners there is legitimate baggage around the fact that my mom married a yankee and that i am half-yankee. and he’s not even a real yankee! he was born up north but raised in southern florida. (florida is weird. the further south you go geographically, the less southern you are culturally.) yet: my family makes jokes that are sometimes not jokes about this. when i drop this information in casual conversation people get that look on their faces like: ah, that explains it. it being that i am not religious and don’t laugh at racist jokes and maybe i am queer?? (strangers tend to be unsure about this last part, even when i’m wearing rainbows.) it’s because i’m half-yank! that explains everything! the xenophobia is SO strong here that white people are even xenophobic at OTHER WHITE PEOPLE. 

so in conclusion when i say the north is like another country, it’s because the people who raised me think of it like another country. and culturally! it is buck wild! the differences that there are! when i leave this town i feel like i step into fucking star trek! if you are not from the rural south, and you have never been to the rural south, please do not come here! i’ve been to a few different places now and this is definitely my least favorite one. 

[puzzle-dragon]

@cravatfiend replied: “I totally like 22 or 45 for reasons”

22. A kiss that is leading to more, but is interrupted by a third party.

45 written here—this turned into canon-divergent, hot and fluffy “Hollywood Forever” fix-it fic that got way longer than I expected it to; under a read more for length and sexy vampires (or read on ao3)

When Eva stirs into wakefulness after the sun sets, Jasper is still asleep. Dead to the world in a bed far bigger than the one they share at home. She knows she cannot wake him, so instead she burrows into his chest and waits. 

A few quiet moments later, his arm tightens around her, one of his hands splayed out across her back, and she knows he’s woken up.

“Good evening,” Eva murmurs, craning her neck to press a light kiss to the underside of his jaw.

“Hey,” Jasper responds, placing an answering kiss on the top of her head. He absently runs his fingers across her back, slowly stroking up and down her spine.

“I had a wonderful time last night,” she says, resting her cheek against his chest and reaching down for his free hand, lacing her fingers with his and feeling the cold metal of the ring she’d given him the night before.

Nelli’s party had gone far better than expected. The LSD-laced blood had helped her relax after so many busy, stressful nights and she was able to just let herself enjoy things for once. There had been no fights, no fires, no kidnappings—they’d all made it out intact and unscathed. Eva had danced like she used to—free and joyous, tasting the music as it washed over her—but near the end of the night, the beat had slowed and she had danced with Jasper. It was nothing fancy, just a very simple waltz, one of his arms around her waist and his other hand held tight in hers. That late into the night, the acid had started to wear off and she was coming down from her high, but being in Jasper’s arms still felt like floating on air.

That’s when she’d given him the new ring—intricate patterns in weathered bronze and a new engraving on the inside of the band: my night sky. She’d been holding on to it for a while, trying to find the right moment to give it to him. Now, with quiet jazz in the air and the moon overhead and him looking so perfect, she couldn’t think of a better time. She’d told him she loved him for the first time and he’d said it back and she’d decided she would be more than happy to exist in that moment forever.  

When the party finally came to an end, Nelli had insisted everyone spend the day at the Roosevelt—there were rooms made up for all of them and she wouldn’t take no for an answer, no matter how short a drive it was back to anyone’s usual haven. Nelli had showed them each to secure rooms—posh and protected—and directed Eva and Jasper to a comfortable suite with a king-sized bed.

They’d undressed each other in the dim glow of the bedside lamp and made love in a room that felt like an escape from their nightly lives, a hidden paradise where danger couldn’t reach them. There was no space for fear here, no room for doubt or pain. Just the two of them, moving together in perfect harmony—gentle, unhurried, and so absolutely in love.

Before the sun rose, they had cleaned up and Jasper had pulled his t-shirt and underwear back on—still uncomfortable sleeping naked, no matter how many times Eva reassured him that she was more than alright with it. Eva had slipped into a short white silk robe that hung in the bathroom—seemingly provided by Nelli for just such an occasion. They’d settled back into bed together and had fallen asleep in each other’s arms just as the sun broke over the horizon.

It really had been a wonderful night.

“Oh really?” Jasper asks.

“Mhmm,” Eva hums her approval, “You look marvelous in a suit.”

He lets out a growled laugh but does not argue with her.

“You looked beautiful,” he says, all soft adoration.

“So you told me last night… several times.” The smirk on her lips is undeniable. He remembers as well as she does: pressing his mouth to her pale skin, murmuring confessions and compliments like poetry against her body between kisses, hearing her sigh and moan at his touch, the words “I love you,” falling from both their tongues like an invocation. He can’t help but smile at the memory, too.

Eva tilts her head up to request a kiss and he’s happy to oblige her. It starts off chaste—just a light brush of lips, a familiar greeting, a “good morning” in the middle of the night—but gradually shifts into something more passionate. Jasper traces the edge of her fangs with his tongue, careful not to press too hard and cut himself, and she moans into his mouth. His arm tightens around her waist, pulling her on top of him in one fluid motion. He moves to kiss her neck and Eva laughs as she feels his fangs tease her sensitive skin.

“Jasper, are you trying to seduce me?” she asks teasingly, arching her neck to give him better access. 

“Is it working?” he murmurs close to her ear before nipping playfully at the bolt of her jaw. He doesn’t break skin, but the promise that he might sends a thrill through Eva.

“Yes,” she sighs, her hands moving underneath his dark t-shirt, roaming across his chest and down his rib cage.

“Good,” he growls as he feels her grind down against him. He kisses his way down her neck, gently guiding the silk robe off her shoulders to reveal an enticing expanse of pale skin. He wants to touch her everywhere, all at once, but he can’t do that while she’s trying to undress him. Her hands grow more insistent and he breaks off from kissing his way down her chest to let her pull his shirt off over his head. Eva tosses it to the floor and pulls his face to hers in another hungry kiss.

Eva is about to blush, about to ask Jasper to do the same as his fingers fumble to untie the belt of the robe from around her waist, when a very loud, very insistent, very Annabelle series of knocks sounds on the other side of the door to their room.

They both freeze.

“Wakey-wakey, lovebirds!” Annabelle calls out, “Nelli wants to do a quick debrief about last night before everyone goes home.”

“We’re a bit… busy at the moment,” Jasper snarls back, his fingers digging into Eva’s hips as she tries to restrain a giggle at his frustrated tone. She buries her face in his neck to muffle her laughter and despite the interruption, the sheer ridiculousness of the situation makes him smile begrudgingly.

“Oh... oh,” Annabelle responds, the realization of what she’s interrupted hitting her full force, “I’ll… uh… cover for you?”

“Thank you, Annabelle,” Eva says sweetly, rolling her hips just enough to make Jasper groan beneath her as she does.

“I love and support you both, but I did not need to hear that.”

“You’re a tease,” Jasper growls, low enough for only Eva to hear before leaning up to suck at the spot on her neck that always makes her moan. And she does moan, low and throaty as she grinds down against him again—something Annabelle clearly does hear, based on the way she shouts, “O-kay then! Well, that’s my cue to leave. I’ll try to buy you some time. Have fun, you crazy kids!”

“Oh, we will!” Eva calls back, her voice tinged with breathless giggles.

They wait a moment to hear Annabelle’s heavy boots receding down the hall, before Jasper surges up, flipping a still laughing Eva onto her back.

“You did that on purpose,” he says, his words accusatory but his hungry grin reassuring her that he isn’t actually mad.

“So did you,” Eva points out, even as Jasper returns his attention to undoing the knot in her belt, “And it got her to leave us be for a little while, didn’t it?”

“Your methods are effective, if unorthodox,” he answers as he finally succeeds in his quest to free her from her robe.

“Too many big words,” she says, smirking up at him as she toys with the waistband of his underwear, “I need to get you back to monosyllables.”

“We’ve probably bought ourselves about twenty minutes. Thirty if we’re lucky.”

“Then we better not waste any time,” she murmurs, pulling him down into another kiss as she wills her heart to beat again. He smiles against her lips as his own heart stutters into the same excited rhythm—each quickened beat adding to their shared litany of I love you’s.

They end up being late for that meeting. 

[batfam-imagines]

Pregnant Batsis

Request: So we all know how badass Batmom is, but how about a badass, single mother batsis? Maybe she is older or like a year younger than dick, but she took pregnancy and taking care of her baby like a true warrior. How do you think the bat fam will take that?

 A/N: So I don’t know if I quite followed the prompt, but I did my best! I’m a little rusty when it comes to writing! Hope you guys like it!

--

“I have an announcement to make” Glancing around to make sure everyone is paying attention, you focus your attention on Bruce, “I’m pregnant, 22 weeks if what the doctor said is right”

Surprisingly Jason is first one to react, “Are you both healthy? You were literally out on patrol yesterday ...! Why the fuck were you out on patrol if you’re pregnant?!?”

“I just found out for sure this morning, and I’ve only had suspicions for like a week. According to all the scans she took today everything looked fine”

Dick finally seems to get over his shock, “Did you get any pictures? Is it a boy or a girl?”

“Yeah, I did. I’ll show you in a few minutes, Dickie.” Bruce still hasn’t said anything, “B? Are you alright?”

“I assume the father is still in the picture? And that you’ll be resuming Patrol once the child is born? You know how important the Mission is, and even these few months without Sparrow’s presence will put a strain on everyone else”

Tim’s brow furrows, “That’s what you think of? The Mission? Your oldest daughter just told you she was pregnant and all you want to know about is when she’s gonna be back on the street. You can’t even say congratulations?!”

Holding up a hand, you step between everyone, “Calm down. It’s fine, Timmy. B, the father isn’t in the picture anymore. When I told him, I might be pregnant he said that he didn’t want anything to do with me or the baby and said that he would hand over all parental rights when the baby was born, and I’ve already moved into my own apartment. And I didn’t intend to go back to Patrolling full time after the baby. I’ll come out in emergencies, but I was going to have Babs teach me how to man the comms while I’m pregnant.”

“I think that’s a great idea. You can be there if the little tyke needs you, and you can give Babs a break every once a while.” Jason throws you a smirk, “Between us and the girls we’re driving her batty”

“That was terrible, Todd, however having Y/N on communications would be much more preferable to Gordon.” Your youngest brother shifts out from under the arm Dick slings across his shoulders, “I would also very much like to see the pictures of the child”

Sitting down on the large empty couch, all your brothers gather around to look at the various pictures, “We couldn’t find out the gender today, the ultrasound technician said that the baby wasn’t in a good position to tell anything.”

Unfortunately, Bruce doesn’t seem interested in looking at pictures, he just gets up and leaves the room.

--

Two days later there’s a knock on your apartment door. It isn’t any of your brother, because one of the first things they made you promise was to give them 24/7 access to your apartment.

“Y/N, it’s me. Please open the door” Opening the door a crack, you and Bruce lock eyes, “Can I come in? I think we have some things to talk about”

“Just so you know, I told Steph and Cass last night about the baby. Cass did that angry stare thing when I told them about your reaction, and Steph threatened to put itching powder in the Batsuit”

Bruce snorts, “I wouldn’t expect else from Stephanie, and I already got a video-call from Cassandra. She was actually the one to convince me to come here.”

“Because we all know you’re emotionally stunted, and wouldn’t have come here on your own”

“Right” Bruce shifts awkwardly, “Please, Y/N. I realized that the other day could have been handled better”

“Yeah, alright, fine. Come in. Excuse the mess, the boys were over last night, and I haven’t had a chance to clean up”

“It’s fine, I know how much of a mess those boys can make” Bruce glances around at he empty pizza boxes on the counter and the blankets piled on the couch before sitting on the empty side of it.

Taking a seat in the arm chair, you lean forward, “So what did you want to talk about?”

“I wanted to say that I am sorry for the way I reacted the other night when you announced your pregnancy. No matter what you’re my daughter, and I don’t want anything to come between us. This family has enough problems, without me adding another one to it. I don’t want to create another rift between myself and my children, Y/N, especially when there will be a new little one soon. I hope that you can accept my apology, and if you don’t want me in the child’s life, I hope that you will at least let me still contact you”

“Wow, I think that’s the most I’ve heard you talk without yelling in a long time. Of course I want you in mine and the baby’s life, B! I was hoping you’d get your head out of your ass soon so you could be a grandfather. This means I’ll have to call the other’s and call off all the pranks”

Bruce chuckles, “I would appreciate that, but you know your brothers will still do something in retaliation.”

“Oh, I know, but if I at least tell them you apologized it might not be as bad.” Glancing towards the clock, you flash a grin at Bruce, “Now, as the final part of your apology you’re going to take me out to lunch and then we’re going to go people-watch at the mall”

“Whatever you say, Y/N. Why don’t you call your brothers and ask if they want to come? Alfred is already preparing dinner for everyone tonight, Stephanie and Cass are flying back from their mission now, so everyone will be there”

“So you’ll get to spend the whole day with me! Aren’t you lucky, B!” Bruce chuckles, “I’m gonna go get dressed and call everyone”

--

Thankfully, there are no other family problems during the pregnancy, and everything progresses like normal. Barbra teaches you how to hack and how to man the Comms. There are a few instances where someone comes back to the Cave hurt and Alfred starts teaching you how to patch everyone up. During the day you continue to teach Criminal Justice classes at Gotham University.

“Guys, will you quit. I’m pregnant, not an invalid, I can still go to work!”

Even Bruce looks concerned, “Are you sure? You have to stand in front of class … should you even be standing anymore? Are you sure this apartment has enough room for you and the baby? I can still get you a better one, or you could move back into the Manor -”

“Bruce! I don’t need you to buy me an apartment, I can afford this one just fine and it’s plenty big enough. I’ll come to the Manor and visit, but I like living near work. And of freaking course I can stand!”

Tim peeks over the back of the couch, “We just to make sure you’re alright, Y/N. None of us have ever really been around pregnant people, especially pregnant family”

“I know, Timmy, but sometimes you guys can be a bit much”

“If Drake or Todd are the ones causing you stress I can … get rid of them” Dick nudges Damian and raises an eyebrow, “Or just challenge them to a fight for you”

Dick rolls his eyes, “That wasn’t much better, Dami.”

“Y/N cannot fight in her condition, so I will do it for her”

“I don’t need anyone to fight for me, Dami. I’ll just make them wait until after I have the baby, and then kick their ass” Damian grins at this and nods.

--

When the baby is born, everyone is there. The boys try to distract you from the pain, Bruce is a constant presence at your side, and the girls are constantly asking the nurses questions and arguing with the boys.

“Alright, Ms. Wayne, who do you want in the room with you when it’s time to deliver?” The nurse smiles and checks the fetal monitor while asking the question.

“Just my dad, while I love my siblings, I’d rather they didn’t see my vagina”

Jason barks out a laugh, “I appreciate that, Y/N. We might be a close family, but I’ll come back after the baby is out”

“Alright, that sounds like a plan, Ms. Wayne. Everything is looking good here, the baby looks like they’re in a good position, and the heartrate is looking good too. You were at 7 centimeters when I just checked, so the contractions might be getting a little more intense. If you need anything just hit the call light”

After the nurse leaves, Bruce turns to look at you, “You really want me in here?”

“Yeah, you’re gonna be the baby’s grandfather, and … you’re my dad. I need someone’s hand to break”

--

Once you’re discharged from the hospital, everyone refuses to leave you alone. Alfred makes sure that your fridge is full, Bruce constantly stops by the apartment after work to check-in, and your siblings drop in at all times of the night and day.

“You know I can handle this myself right, I don’t need someone to constantly check on me!”

Bruce snorts, “We’re always here because we care about you and want to be a part of Alex’s life. We know you can take care yourself and your child, we aren’t questioning that. Your pregnancy just … brought everyone together. I don’t think I’ve ever seen the boys get along this well, just last night Damian and Tim had a conversation without fighting, and Cass smiles more than ever! Alfred seems to have more energy now that you named him honorary Great-Grandfather. I’ve even noticed a change in myself”

You flop down on the floor and lean against Bruce’s legs and let out a resigned sigh, “Well, when you put it like that … I guess everyone can keep coming around to bug me”

———————————————————————————–

Let me know what you think! Send any ideas or requests you have to my Ask Box!

[docmary]

Food Insecurity-We may not live by bread alone, but neither do we live without it.

The test of our progress is not whether we add more to the abundance of those who have much; it is whether we provide enough to those who have little.  Franklin D. Roosevelt

It has been my good fortune to have been able to support myself (barely at times) doing the work that I love, being a naturopathic doctor, for most of my adult life. I remember a sign in my tax preparers office that read: “The joys of owning your own business, not unlike the joys of natural childbirth, have been greatly exaggerated.” Or something like that. There are certainly those in my profession that have been financially successful along with the intrinsic rewards of helping people, but I was not one of them.

And then I got cancer. And not dying became my full-time job. On the side I also worked as a home health aide and I made little money but also had little in the way of responsibility. I also relied on programs like Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP), also known as food stamps to survive.

I am doing well now. I have relocated from Alaska (my home of 30 years) to Washington state where I grew up, so that I could be closer to family. I was fortunate in that I had family to take me in while I figured out my next moves. Some are not so lucky.

I started volunteering at the Sky Valley Food Bank in my new community as a way to build my social network. I was blessed with the instant camaraderie of many fellow and sister volunteers, and paid staff, who were joined in a single purpose: support the mission of eliminating hunger. Every week we provided food for an average of 261 families, enough for 10 meals per person. This amounts to more than 75,000 pounds of food distributed every month—almost one million pounds per year.

And Then Came COVID-19

According to data from the US Department of Agriculture (USDA), some 13.7 million households (10.5% of all households), experienced food insecurity at some point in 2019. That is 35 million Americans who were either unable to acquire enough food to meet their needs, or uncertain of where their next meal might come from.

In one study that came out in June 2020, researchers asked: “In the last seven days, which of these statements best describes the food eaten in your household?”

 Enough of the food we wanted to eat

 Enough, but not always the kind of food we wanted to eat

 Sometimes not enough to eat

 Often not enough to eat.

According to these researchers, since 2019, food insecurity has doubled overall and tripled in households with children.*

The Ripple Effects of Hunger

Not having access to healthy food has ripple effects of chronic ill health, disability, stress, and worsening poverty. These problems did not start with COVID-19, but the pandemic has made even more glaring the differences in the quality of life between “those who have much [and] those who have little.” This kind of safety net, that supplies sustenance to those in need, makes good economic sense. Adults who have a disability, in particular a disability and are not in the workforce, also experience more than twice the rate of food insecurity as adults who do not have a disability.

At our local food bank, we were unable to have our customers shop in-doors like we had in the past safely. We were shut down but found a way to deliver boxes of food to the porches of 125 families in the area. We also drastically cut down on the number of volunteers that could be in our warehouse per day which translates to fewer people doing more physically demanding work. The good news is that people from the community, from gardeners, to private businesses, to social service organizations, and individuals found ways to help Sky Valley Food Bank carry out the mission.**

School Closures and Vulnerable Students

With schools being shut down, students were no longer able to receive meals at their schools at a reduced price or free as they had in the past. This was not just a local problem, across the country nutrition directors reported that they were serving fewer meals than when school was in session. Last spring, the School Nutrition Association surveyed 2000 districts that reported 80% were serving fewer meals. Of those, the majority said the number of meals had dropped by 50% or more.

Most areas relied on the food pick up model that they usually did in the summer months where families could drop by their local school each day, often between 11-1, and pick up a bag lunch and maybe breakfast. But as parents started returning to work, the pickup model did not always work if parents were not always able to take children to the drop off site at the right time.

In Fulton County Georgia and Tucson Arizona, nutrition programs started packing food including frozen hamburgers and pizza, enough for a week’s worth of meals, and sending them out on school buses to be distributed at bus stops where the lowest income families typically resided.***

Food Deserts

In the best of times getting adequate nutrition is especially challenging for people who live in a “food desert.” The definition of a food desert can change depending on where you live. In urban areas, you need to live more than a mile away from a grocery store. For rural areas, you live more then 10 miles away. According to Feeding America, rural areas make up 63% of counties in the US and 87% of counties with high rates of food insecurity. In 2015, 19 million people lived in a food desert and 2.1 million households both lived in a food desert and lacked access to a vehicle according to the USDA.

The Shifting Model of Getting Food to the Food Insecure

In the summertime at Sky Valley Food Bank, we were able to greet our long-time customers, and many new ones, that were able to shop in our outdoor market. I loved being able to chat with our customers and find out how they were getting along. From my own experience, I can say that accepting help for something as necessary as feeding myself was a blow to my ego. Thank goodness I got over that. Being able to help my fellow and sister humans, regardless of why they were our customers is something I treasure.

Like many school districts around the country, our schools were not able to open in September. We partnered with our public schools to set up food pantries in five of our schools. We also had the return of rainy weather and the outdoor market was not an option. We began having a drive through service where our staff would build boxes of food for distribution in people’s cars. We were now serving 325 families and had special “Holiday” boxes in November and December, along with the usual boxes of meat, dairy, dry goods, canned goods, grains, produce, and food for their four-legged household members. Getting two boxes is better than one box, especially during the holidays.

In December we also had a toy drive that garnered an incredible assortment of toys from community members. It is remarkable how much our community does to provide for people having a tough time—food, toys, money—all gratefully accepted. The parents were able to pick out toys for their kids. 

We are looking forward to having our customers back in our service area to carefully select the foods they want for themselves and their loved ones. We are looking forward to giving them the kind of respectful service we always have and continue to provide. COVID or no COVID.

LONE WOLF

I am a lone wolf.

I have lost my pack.

My sire was the first to go. The alfa.

His job to protect the pack, especially from each other, fell to no one.

I grew up with the bitch who was two years my elder.

Always the more adventurous one. She was gone

Before her pups were fully grown.

And they are lost to me.

 The she-wolf who bore me tried desperately to keep the pack together.

“Come home. Why don’t you move back home?”

She grew old, frail, a little crazy

A kind of crazy that was always there but kept in check by the alpha.

 The older bitch is gone too.

When did the word bitch become derogatory?

I reclaim that title. It suits me.

It suits those of us who live in a world where self sufficiency is prized above all

And sentimentality is a luxury.

 Another sire gone. Was it really eight years ago?

He left to be with Jesus.

I think he’s food for flora and fauna.

Who’s to say?

 My brother looks up from the hard work of dying

All traces of silliness and the infectious laughter that is his calling card are gone

And the world is just a bit more lonely.

 The rest of the pack is dispersed.

Do they prowl in search of the familiar?

Of course they do. (howl)

*IPR.northwester.edu/documents/reports/ipr-rapid-research-reports-pulse-hh-data-10-june-2020.pdf

**Helpful Hint: when  thinking of donating food to the food bank, treat the task of going through your pantry the same way you go through your closet—three piles; keep, donate, throw away. You don’t donate clothes that are ripped or stained. You throw them away. The food bank volunteers spend a lot of time sorting through donations. We cannot serve food that is spoiled or way, way, way past the pull date, or that has been opened. Thanks.

***NPR.org/2020/09/08/908442609/children-are-going-hungry-why-schools-are-struggling-to-feed-students

[melanymwende]

Employment Rate: Does it really affect alcohol consumption?

 Is employment rate associated with alcohol consumption?

Hypothesis: An increase in levels of unemployment can lead to increase in alcohol consumption Is suicide per 100th associated with income per person?

Hypothesis: Low income per person can cause an increase in suicidal deaths per 100th.

Having gone through the GapMinder study codebook, I am interested to study more about alcohol consumption and the different variables that can cause an upsurge in alcohol uptake. As a result, I chose employment rate as my variable to be included in my codebook. I also decided to study how suicide per 100th is associated with income per person in relation to the main topic.

Alcohol consumption may be affected by very many factors but my main focus is on how the employment rate affects it. In the long run, a negative employment rate may lead to low income per person and hence suicide. I have witnessed very many youths seeking solace in alcohol as a means of relieving their stress levels due to them being unemployed. They find themselves in situations where they cannot support themselves and their families due to lack of income. Therefore the little they get or have is used on alcohol as much term as a stress reliever.

Literature Review

OECD (2020) defines employment rate as ‘a measure of the extent to which available resources are being used’ and in this case the people available to work. It is usually determined based on the ratio of the employed to the working age population (OECD, 2020). UN (2019a), stated that the global working age population i.e. 15 years and above was estimated to be 5.7 billion people out of which 2.3 billion were not part of the labor force, 3.3 billion were in employment while 188 million were unemployed (ILO, 2020) due to various reasons. Alcohol consumption is an act of ingesting a beverage containing ethanol and is typically done orally (Collins S.E. & Kirouac M. 2013).

The consumption of alcoholic beverages has been there since prehistoric times. Presently, many people consume alcohol as a recreation activity that is however causing more health and social problems (Poli, A. et al, 2013).

Catalano et al (2011) states that unemployment could cause financial challenges that lead to increased uptake of alcohol and more so especially if it is over a prolonged period of time (Khan et al., 2002; Mossakowski,2008). Popovici I. & French M. (2013), conducted a research whose research findings were that unemployed men had a higher binge-drinking rate as compared to men who were employed and that unemployed men had a higher chance of being diagnosed with alcohol abuse and/or dependence. Alcohol consumption, in most cases, is not done on busy schedules and that is why (Arkes 2007; Dee 2001; Ettner 1997) found out that unemployed people have more leisure time and this may encourage social drinking.

It is quite evident that many people did lose their jobs in this Covid 19 pandemic. Some were lucky enough to retain their jobs but on a half pay salary and this meant that people had to adjust their way of living so as to survive. This, in the long run, caused a lot of stressful moments and many people may have turned to drinking alcohol to pass time and to relieve away their stress. Heid, M. (2020) wrote that according to data from Bloomberg News the sales of beer and wine went up by 32% and 47% respectively. This was attributed mainly to the stay-at-home restrictions that were imposed which could otherwise mean more leisure time for alcohol consumption as the Americans felt the need to stock their home bars.

The employment rate, as seen from research, affects alcohol consumption. It can also affect the income per person. Income per person which is also known as Per capita income is the measure of the amount of money earned per person in a specific region (Kenton W, 2019). When the employment rate is high therefore the income per person would also increase since this would mean that the economy can well cater for its citizens. However, low income per person can cause stress and depression which can in the long term affect the health of individuals.

A study conducted by (Aron, L. et al, 2015) found out various ways in which income can affect one’s health. They include people with limited money have less to spend on medicine, doctor visits or even healthy foods, Low income can cause stress that can lead to the development of other terminal diseases like heart disease and that those that earn high incomes are able to access more healthier resources. They also stated that adults who are poor are more likely to report being in fair or poor health as their counterparts with high income. A number of research studies show that there is a positive association between income per person and their health.

Case et al. (2002) did a research that focused on how income affect health right from childhood and the results were that children from low income households who suffer from chronic illnesses have worse health compared to those in high income households. Basically, this more or less develops to adulthood. With decreased levels of income therefore, chances of stress and depression are on the rise hence increase in alcohol consumption which can even cause cases of suicide. Breet E et al (2018) carried out a study on how the low and middle income countries are affected by substance abuse and suicidal ideation and the results were that there was a positive association between substance use, alcohol being one of them, and suicidal ideas. Xuan, Z et al. (2015) also identified that heavy alcohol consumption is associated with suicide.

From the researches above, it is quite evident that employment rate has much to do with alcohol consumption. This is because if more people are employed the rate of alcohol consumption is reduced and the vice versa is true. Increased cases of low income per person due to unemployment can affect people’s stress levels which can otherwise lead to suicide among the affected.

 References

Arkes J.(2007) Does the economy affect teenage substance use? Health Economics. 2007;Vol. 16(No. 1):19–36.

Breet, E., Goldstone, D., & Bantjes, J. (2018). Substance use and suicidal ideation and behaviour in low- and middle-income countries: a systematic review. BMC public health, 18(1), 549. https://doi.org/10.1186/s12889-018-5425-6

Case, Anne, Darren L., & Christina P.,( 2002). "Economic Status and Health in Childhood: The Origins of the Gradient ." American Economic Review, 92 (5): 1308-1334.DOI: 10.1257/000282802762024520

Catalano R. A, Goldman-Mellor S. J, Saxton K., Margerison-Zilko C. E, Subbarama M., Anderson E. (2011) .The Health Effects of Economic Decline. Annual Review of Public Health.2011;32:431–450.

Collins S.E., Kirouac M. (2013) Alcohol Consumption. In: Gellman M.D., Turner J.R. (eds) Encyclopedia of Behavioral Medicine. Springer, New York, NY. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-1-4419-1005-9_626

Dee T. S (2001). Alcohol abuse and economic conditions: Evidence from repeated cross-sections of individual level data. Health Economics. 2001;Vol. 10:257–270. 

Ettner S.(1997), Measuring the human cost of a weak economy: Does unemployment lead to alcohol abuse? Social Science and Medicine. 1997;Vol. 44(No. 2):251–260. 

Heidi M. (2020). What alcohol does to a stressed out brain. https://elemental.medium.com/what-alcohol-does-to-a-stressed-out-brain-af3771a36dba

Khan S., Murray R P., Barnes G. E. (2002).A structural equation model of the effect of poverty and unemployment on alcohol abuse.Addict Behav. 2002 May-Jun; 27(3):405-23.

Mossakowski K.N. (2008),Is the duration of poverty and unemployment a risk factor for heavy drinking?

OECD (2020), Employment rate (indicator). doi: 10.1787/1de68a9b-en

Poli A, Marangoni F, Avogaro A, (2013). Moderate alcohol use and health: a consensus document. Nutr Metab Cardiovasc Dis. 2013; 23:487–504.

Popovici, I., & French, M. T. (2013). Does Unemployment Lead to Greater Alcohol Consumption?. Industrial relations, 52(2), 444–466. https://doi.org/10.1111/irel.12019

Soc Sci Med. 2008 Sep; 67(6):947-55.

UN (2019a). World Population Prospects 2019: Online edition. Rev. 1 (New York, Department of Economic and Social Affairs)

Will K. (2019). Per Capita Income. https://www.investopedia.com/terms/i/income-per-capita.asp

Xuan, Z., Naimi, T. S., Kaplan, M. S., Bagge, C. L., Few, L. R., Maisto, S., Saitz, R., & Freeman, R. (2016). Alcohol Policies and Suicide: A Review of the Literature. Alcoholism, clinical and experimental research, 40(10), 2043–2055. https://doi.org/10.1111/acer.13203

[laffinandlovin-blog]

It’s a long post today folks!

I would like to begin this post with the assurance that I am safe and under the great care of amazing mental health professionals.  I’m surrounded by the love of amazing friends and family.  It is not lost on me that I am incredibly lucky to be employed and therefore have the opportunity to have great healthcare.  Not everyone can afford professional care.  Because of To Write Love On Her Arms, more people can.  Because of To Write Love On Her Arms, I have a permanent community of support.  I know I am about to share very personal information.  I also know that when I’ve done so before, someone has always reached out in appreciation.  I’m not writing for appreciation.  I’m writing with hope that someone feels less alone.  I am writing to combat the stigma that we cannot talk about mental health.  If I have learned anything (and I’ve learned much), I have learned that it is okay to ask for help.  It is ok not to be okay.  I have learned that the bad feelings ALWAYS pass but some storms last longer than others.  This pandemic has been incredibly difficult for many people.  Some people experienced depression and anxiety for the first time and others felt their depression and anxiety amplify to new levels.  I’m writing to say: I am here for you.  I see you.  I believe you.  I’m also here to say thank you.  Thank you to the friends and family members meet me in the sadness and love me because of it not in spite of it.  Thank you for the hard conversations, the song recommendations, the cards, the IG messages, taking me to the doctor, holding me when I cry even though I’m not a hugger, for taking me to the ER junior year of college when I had a debilitating anxiety attack, and most of all for accepting the good days, the ugly cries, the loud and obnoxious laugh, and the understanding that I have a mental illness-I am not an illness.

Here’s the abridged version.

About 15 years ago I successfully convinced myself that I was stupid while studying for Chemistry as a sophomore.  I just did not get it.  I went to a private all-girl college prep school.  Academics were intense.  I worked my tail off, fell asleep with my books in my arms, and obsessed over school work.  I was never very good at positive self-talk- I constantly put myself down.  I was too fat, too dumb, didn’t have weekend plans therefore I had no friends.  I was “too sensitive” and I became disgusted with myself.  I would cry and cry and cry because I just did not know how to get past these hurdles-the doubt bullies.  My dad would pick me up from school every day and the tears would come.  At the time we didn’t know I was dealing with a major depressive disorder.  I was told I had nothing to cry about at 16 and asked why I was so miserable.  I believed that I was truly just a miserable and moody teenager-don’t we all go through that phase?  Sometimes at night when I was studying I would bang my head against my bedroom wall questioning why I was so stupid, why I didn’t have any friends, and why I was so ugly.  I look back now and know that was the depression talking.  I never got lower than a B on a report card, I was student council president, and I had many friends.  However, I didn’t know how to get the depression to just shut up already.  

Those formative high school years and the negative mantras shaped my journey into adulthood.  I successfully convinced myself that I was unattractive and undeserving of romantic love or any love for that matter.  I would scratch my arms to feel some physical pain to make sense of the internal pain.  

Amazing people were sprinkled into my life since the time I was in grade school (friends) and since birth (family).  I had no idea how to explain my experiences with depression to my family.  By the time I got to college I had become pretty set in my ways and my detrimental thinking.  I remember calling my mom during what was most likely my first panic attack during college.  She assured me that it was probably my nerves and stress (which were huge contributors) and to “try some tea and listen to Johnny”.  John Mayer’s music was the first that I was able to identify with in terms of anxiety and depression.  It wasn’t his most popular stuff but it was a lifeline for me.  I also found in college a group of friends that became my chosen family.  They didn’t understand my illness either but they were and are the most patient, supportive, and caring people I could have ever hoped to meet and still be close with 14 years later.  

After year after graduating college, I moved to Boston.  My relationship with Boston is a pretty great love story because of the people I met there.  For the first time in my life I met people who struggled with self-worth, self-injury, and relied on medication to keep themselves safe.  During a particularly difficult season of my depression, I began self-harming.  My therapist and I decided it was best for me to begin an IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program).  For 3 hours a night, 3 nights each week, for 6 weeks I attended a program where was enveloped in acceptance.  I have never had plans to take my life however, I have thought that the life I was living just wasn’t worth it.  I thought for sure that the best part of my life was behind me and that I really didn’t have much worth living for.  I was convinced that I was a lost cause.  The effectiveness of the meds always wore off and there were weeks at a time when I questioned if this life was worth fighting for.  I found friends in Boston that I still reach out to to this day when things are feeling very low.  Those people, unfortunately, know what it’s like to question if this is all worth it.  Those people, fortunately, remind me that the fog does lift even if it feels like it’s all I know.  

Now at 32, I still struggle almost daily.  Where I am at 32 is very different than what I envisioned.  I have wanted to be a mom since as long as I can remember (I had 40 baby dolls as a child and they all had names.  They were also my students in my pretend classroom in my basement.). I long for romantic love.  Someone who I can love and be loved by.  But the real love.  That person who can call me out and be my biggest fan.  And vice versa.  Someone with a big heart and an accepting mind.  This is getting gushy.  I regress.  And to be a mom. I long to be a person who is fortunate enough to create her family and love her job and her friends and dogs and stand up for others and speak out against injustice.  I’m not there yet, but I’m getting closer every day.

When I look back on my experiences thus far with anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts, I think about just how lucky I am that I have a sister, brother, parents, cousins, aunts, childhood friends, high school friends, high school teachers, college friends, Italy friends, furry friends, Boston friends and roommates who have loved me through my darkest times.  I am amazed by the support, both of those who haven’t had experience with mental illness before loving me and those to whom I am forever connected because of our similar experiences.  My people are #worthlivingfor.

There is so much #worthlivingfor.  I’m so glad I’m here to experience it.  

I am fundraising with @twloha​ to help provide access to counseling for those who need support.  Please visit https://give.twloha.com/fundraiser/2871863 .

Thank you for reading this. personal message.  It was long and it was sensitive.  I am grateful for the courage to share and thankful for every listening ear and kind heart.  I could write pages more.  But today I encourage you to share what is #worthlivingfor in your life.  Tag me (@lafferrx on Insta).  Spread the love- the world needs it more than ever.