#i cannot force myself to have motivation if it's not already there

[hubmuses]

lately been having most activity on my comics blogs here and here. ( harley quinn. @jesytr +. wonder woman @wnderwl )

[adhdtsukasa]

someone please force me to write something for nene's bday she's my second kamioshi i have to do it pleaseeeee

[blackwaxidol]

I don't think I've been this violently upset and miserable at myself in years.

[inbabylontheywept]

So: You have depression.

I'm 27 now. The last time I had a major depressive episode was when I was 16. I still have depressive episodes every now and then, but the worst tend to be a month, and most I can generally get through them in about a week. It took me a while to kind of figure out how to handle depression as a recurring thing, and so I thought I'd make a little welp-I-got-diagnosed-now-what guide.

So, first part of the guide: When I first got depressed, I thought that depression was the terrible, sad hopeless feeling that I had. It isn't. That terrible sad hopeless feeling is a symptom of prolonged depression. By the time I get to that point, I'm pretty well cooked and it takes a lot longer to bounce back. Avoiding getting to that point is a vital part of living with depression.

So what does depression feel like?

I am going to hammer this point home a lot of times while writing this: Depression is an anesthetic. It is not felt as a presence, but as an absence. The first absence, for me at least, is when life stops being fun. Every movie feels boring, I can't get more than a few pages into any book, and everything just seems... bland.

This is the best point to catch it at. I have found that consumptive patterns of entertainment do not do anything to help depression. Some people have told me that producing art at this time really helps them, but personally, I can't imagine trying. Instead, I just do tasks that I know inspire physical satisfaction. Which sounds like jerking off (I don't actually reccomend that route) but really means things like: Going for a walk in the sunshine. Working out. Cleaning the house in a fairly exhaustive way. Scrub the baseboards, wash the sink, clear the fridge, etc.

I recognize that doing those is really, really hard while depressed because depression causes physical weakness and exhaustion. The best I can do is, unfortunately, encourage vigillance. If you suspect you're getting into a funk, start on this before you get really deep into the mire. People that get into the mire can get out, but it's not self-help read-a-book type shit, it takes therapy and medication and patience and it is so much easier and cheaper and faster to just avoid letting it get that bad then crawling out once it's sunk its teeth into you.

I have found that for things that work almost by exposure alone, spending time in the sun and talking to people are borderline magical, with the caveat that talking to people about being depressed tends to make things worse instead of better. Talking about anything that cuts through the anesthetic of depression is ideal, or if it's sunk in deep enough that you're having trouble finding anything, talking to someone else about what they're passionate about. Ideally, you'd find someone passionate about a thing you know you're passionate about but are struggling to enjoy right then, and then you'd just let your mirror neurons run amok. Bonus Points

So, you're already depressed. Like, pretty fucking depressed, and you fucked up, and you let it slide. What then?

This is my I-Fucked-Up-And-Got-Big-Sad, Salvage-My-Weekend, depression routine. You'll need to make one for yourself at some point, and yours will work better for you, but this is mine and I think it'll work okay-ish for you. Until you get your own, at least.

I have to get up before 10 am. Staying in bed later than that gives the depression such a huge head start on my day that I just basically can't catch up. If I can't just brute force get myself out of bed, I will throw my blankets and sit cold on my sheets until that gives me the motivation I need. If I cannot work up the guts to throw my blankets, I will actually roll off the bed, flop gracelessly onto the floor, and then stare wistfully up until I can will myself to stand. It helps that every bedroom I've had either had freezing cold tile, or itchy coarse carpet. If you have a comfy floor, maybe buy a very scratchy rug? I cannot emphasize how important this step is. It's like, half of the whole thing.

After getting up, immediately go outside and sit in the sunshine. This provides free executive function, and getting it ASAP will make everything go much smoother.

Talk to someone while outside. If you have a roommate, they work great. Face to face conversations tend to be the best, but phone calls with loved ones are like at least 80% as effective. Calls to family members tend to be better than in face conversations with acquaintances or people you're mostly ambivalent about. Don't do chat messages. Worse than nothing.

This should have scrounged up enough free energy that you can clean something. I always start by trying to clear a part of my counter off. If that's all I got, that's all I got, and I still feel good about it. If that inspires me to do more, I'll run with it until a whole room is up to snuff. I don't do more than one room while I'm this crispy: The goal is not really to clean the house, but to work through a series of tasks that require some initial level of executive function but provide a larger amount back once completed. Life has a lot of these deals that are like, give me $10 and I'll give you $12, give me $12 and I'll give you $20, on and on, and the hard part is really just getting the $10. Some people wake up with $10. Most days, you will wake up with $10. But not when you're like this. You're gonna have to earn it. I'm sorry.

I am going to reiterate: This is what I do when I feel a funk coming on. My life and my schedule are not always this regimented. Living with depression doesn't mean never sleeping until 10, or having a weekend where you don't talk to someone, or take a break from cleaning. Living with depression just means never, ever, leaning into the depression when you feel it coming on. Even when it starts out feeling cozy. Even when you want to just snuggle into it and sleep and sleep and sleep. The first day or two will feel luxurious, and the next week will feel terrible, and the longer you wait the harder it will be to get out. You are always going to have to worry about that. Again, I'm really, truly sorry.

Bonus Bonus Points

I am not a psychologist, but I do have a theory about why depression exists. Remember how I said it's anesthetizing? I think that's what it's there for - getting rid of emotional pain when it isn't being helpful. People often get depressed after a major injury. Boredom is normally nature's way of punishing you for just curling up and doing nothing, but depression can be the emergency override on boredom. It makes sense for you to sit still and do nothing while your body is healing, so maybe nature temporarily removes all your motivation with depression and then just lets you be a limp noodle until you're healthy again. Maybe?

Back to the emotional level, though, depression might also be a way to muffle pains that would otherwise be so intense that people might not remain in control of the faculties. The pain of losing a parent is notorious for driving people so mad with pain that they ruin their lives, but depression is there to at least try and keep us sedated until the nadir has passed.

It is helpful to know what the purpose of depression is, because you will eventually get it from an "intended" cause, and reflexively fighting it then probably isn't good for you. And at the very least, knowing why this stupid thing exists makes the world feel like less of a cruel place.

There are a lot of interesting studies on the physical effects of depression - things like muscle weakness, increased pain tolerance, muscle relaxation, etc. that I won't go into, but it does so many things at once that it almost doesn't feel like a fuck up, but a feature that we just kind of lost the plot on. Not gonna deep dive on it, but it is something that probably shouldn't be confined to just a mental disorder.

[gabrielapazlima]

Why do i ship Cuddlejump⚡️❤️

(Hoppy hopscotch x Bobby bearhug)

And how i see their dynamic being like!

if you guys follow me for a while you guys may already noticed my very normal adimiration for the ship between hoppy hopscotch and bobby bearhug from the smiling critters...its not like they are 90% of my art gallery and that i cannot shut the fuck up about this ship hahaha right?

well,yea,i really,really,REALLY like them- its a ship that i pratically came up with first than anyone and somehow other ppl ended up found of them....but why? Why does Gabriela da paz lima is so normally obcessed with the ideia of a green tomboy rabbit n a red carebear being a couple?

At fist you may think "Uhh it is probally because of the classic tomboy tough girl x soft girly girl archetype right?" and yea,i can see why ppl think that is a very famous lesbian ship dynamic i respect ppl that are solid into them bc of it.... but its deeper to me than that...first i want to talk abt hoppy n bobby's solo characters first!

Hoppy Hopscotch⚡️🐰

ngl when i entered this fandom she was like,my favorite...i still love her tho

she is basically the energetic tomboy of the group acording w her official descreptions,she is also know as THE big motivation force of the critters,always pushing them out their comfort and have a very adventuous n positive spirit-

BUT she have very noticeble characters flaws as well,not only she is quite loud but she tends to be bossy n really impatient,being described as someone that can be "handful to deal with",and before the book release she is literaly the only critters with her character flaws listed-

i always liked how her personality is kinda complexish in comparassion to other critters,she is clealy have a good heart,very loyal n likes to help the others (which we can see in her cardboard line) but she can come up as rough n "overwhelming" in the way that she does it,she doesnt have the intention of hurt or being mean but she still comes as rude due her lack of patience n understanding( cof cof autism) of ppl's limits-

i really like her i feel like she is SO underrated:( you guys have to STOP make her a bully,she is NOT like that.)

Bobby bearhug🐻❤️

i love bobby so much that is not even funny,she is my kin baby-

she seems to be the typical shallow love girl at first sight but...theres so much more abt this carebear....

in her descreptions she is basically the mom friend of the group,she is here to keep her friends together not matter what,she is very phisically affecionate,she is emotional inteligent being very patient n understanding ( which is kinda of what hoppy lacks 👀) n her compassion don't limits itself to only hed friends but to things,places n basically any living thing-

she seems to be pretty much the perfect girl right?...well yea almost....and then theres her voice lines that give a very tonal shift to her character....

"i love you to the moon and back!im CRAZY about you...im lost without you...i been lost a long time....please take me with you this time....you'won't leave,will you?!"

at first it seems some kinda yandere shit but reading more and more deep in that,it sounds so desesperate n sad tbh...i seems like she is not thay confident by herself n DEEPLY fears the abandoment...which is...very ironical for HER character...

"But these lines are about the bbis destiny" yea i know but these lines are ALSO reflected in their cartoon personalities,like kickin being scared n hoppy being impatient...it very likely that is ALSO linked to her canon personality as well...which also makes me think in what amber said about her...

Damn thats....so relatable...i always try my best to be there for other ppl but im always so hard to myself when i know that i should not....thats a perfect irony to the "love character"...

she does not have that much of strong will for herself,she does not love herself in the same way that she loves everyone...she feels weak and defenceless n unwanted being at her own because she doesnt feel enough...

fuck,im crying...They will NEVER make me hate you,bobby bearhug.

🐰⚡️About Hoppy n Bobby's relationship🐻❤️

you see...they are both are very complex girls that love to support people on their own distinte ways,hoppy is the more of phisical support crittet while bobby is the emotional support critter- they deeply care about their friends and they want see them trying news things...i would say that they both valorize support over anything,thats their main atribute-

but they are also deeply flawed in very different ways,hoppy is impatient,bossy n can come off as rude bc of her lack of caring side....also very reckless as consequence....(kinda the reason of why she died) Bobby is very emotional dependent which causes her to panic over the ideia of being alone n doesnt like trying to push herself to do anything when she is feeling too alone( that also can be the reason of why she died)...

they flaws n qualities...weidly compliment each other well...hoppy needs more emotional inteligence n more understanding,not only of other ppl's limits but her own limits.... Bobby needs strengh will and motivation due her deep insecurities and self loath,she can be stronger than she is at her own,and hoppy can show that to her-

i feel like they dynamic is really strong and be summarized as "Besides all our differences,we value the same thing and in the end of the day,i really need you"

i just REALLY love comprimentary duos + opposite atract sorry- call me basic bitch.

💚More of their dynamic plus personal headcanons❤️

i like to think that hoppy would be sighly unconfortable with bobby's affection fowards her at first but she is slowly beggins to enjoy it and reciprocate it-

i also like to think that they would be the ones to come up with the group's activities together,hoppy tries to do batshit insane stuff but bobby tones them down to be safier-(they MIGHT go into lil fights abt it)

also hoppy really enjoys bobby's anger/tough moments because she is surprising REALLY strong but she always never show it-

hoppy also tends to be emotional but she nevr shows it util bobby find it by her own and she ended uo breaking her tough girl persona in front of her(which of course bobby accepts)

Bobby,hoppy n kickin were kinda of a trio and they basically the over loving girl,the cool "chill" guy and the hyperative dumbass...it fits them...

i have a MILLIONS of stuff to say about them but i would be here forever sooo i hope you guys have enjoyed my yapping about cuddlejump:)

BYE!!!

[hungrykeaton]

Have a belly busting video everyone ;) They seriously make these burritos damn HUGE! Like they are the size of my arm its insane. And I just love watching them make it too because they keep just walking down all the ingredients and asking what else I want on it. And I just keep naming everything my greedy eyes can see. Got to see that burrito grow bigger and taller with each plop of extra ingredient ughhhh.

Also when I was ordering this time the burrito maker kept asking if I wanted extra brisket too and like of course I have to say yes to that. Plus literally everytime I order it someone always mentions how its so big and they can't quite finish it. But they don't know me, they don't know that I'm a greedy hog deep down who is never full. Its definitely meant for 2 or more people but I know that's how much I always wanna shove in my gut. (Also plopping down and watching exercise videos for a bit while eating also is kinda 'fun' for me. Something about the encouraging motivation to keep going and stuff...)

Ugh it just tasted so good too. Like even though its the size of my own forearm unwrapping it and chowing down on it was delicious. I just wanted to keep on stuffing it down more and more with each bite. Even though each just made my big gut swell up bigger with burrito and fat.

My gut's gotten big again I think... I wasn't trying to blow up too big again but I may have messed up because it feels so big. I had to get a bigger wardrobe already and we're not even done with December yet! I'm getting nervous my big gut is gonna make me look like fucking Santa by the end of the year...

But I just want more, more burritos, and burgers, and just more FOOD all the time around me. Just let me lean back and gorge myself so that there isn't a literal inch of room left inside of my massive ball gut. I just wanna eat and gorge and watch movies and TV like a mindless bottomless pit. Unable to stop cramming the food in my mouth which only makes my belly even bigger.

I can't stop eating, can't stop getting fatter. I just want bigger and bigger portions each time. Always ordering the most, eating it, and asking others to finish their plate too. I just can't stop filling my gut with food, it needs more it always needs more. It sometimes feels as though something primal inside of me to just feast and eat at every opportunity. To keep asking for more food, to keep trying to eat more and push more inside of me. I NEED more inside of me. Doesn't matter if we just ate, lets get another burger so I can keep forcing food down into me. Hey are we going to the arcade? They have pizza there right? Just every where I go addicted to eating and feeding myself.

It's not even hunger anymore. It's just something more than that. Because I'm definitely not hungry after eating an entire gut busting burrito. But still I want more. I want more cookies, or pasta, or burgers, or pizza. My gut is groaning with all that food crammed in it and I'm patting it just saying I wish I had more. Why? Why do I want more?! Why can't I just stop? My gut won't let me stop eating until it feels like its going to burst. Until I literally am gasping for air because my GUT cannot physically stretch anymore.

Also going to see Buttonspop again too tomorrow and I think we're gonna have another food filled time that's going to really put the strain on my new pants...

[etherealkissed88]

I don't know if you've already made a post about this, but I wanted to ask: How can I be more positive about the protests, not being a privileged person? I'm not the prettiest, I'm not the smartest, I'm not rich (in fact I want to manifest better conditions), I feel mentally exhausted. I'm kind of just desperate to manifest a better life for myself and my family, but I feel so negative about it. I feel like I'm just going to become another one of the statistics about poor people; Sometimes I question the results of certain people, because I actually don't know if they are already privileged in a certain way, whether it's because she's pretty, smart or has money. Some people who talk about staying positive, manifest, selfcare, are privileged people, not rich people, but people with excellent financial and psychological conditions; I'm sad, because I really don't have money for self-care or therapy, I feel guilty, sad and insufficient because I don't have enough money:(

do not pretend these circumstances arent there. realize that you are self that chooses what to accept as true. yes, you have a choice. what you should do is become indifferent to what you experience. yes it is in the 3d but “it doesnt affect who i am and what version of myself i choose to be.”

i think the reason why u may be getting a mental burn out is because you are trying to persuade or force yourself to believe that what your human self is experiencing in the 3d, is not there. again - indifference. another important concept is the nuetral 3d. it never has original meaning. we give it meaning.

i know how you feel about being tired of life - and from my experience, i was so tired of living a life i didnt like that it motivated me to actually apply the law and use my power to get what i want. the law is always working for you so you are always in control, and when you live this “negative” life, it is you - the operant power, allowing yourself to stick in this “negative” life. you are choosing to be this version of you who lives like this. you are being the one who is living that.

know that it is not - the 3d shows me something -> then i become a version of me / i embody a version of me which matches the 3d. it will always be, i am a version of me -> the 3d follows that bc i am the 3d. signs follow, they do not precede.

you cannot let what you see influence who you become. bc who you become is why you are seeing what you see. who you are being is why you see what you see through that perspective, thro that state.

a lot of ppl have manifested great things and complete transformations without being privileged at first. stop focusing on other success stories and make yourself the success story. success story = changing self!

for the feelings of guilt and sadness, allow yourself to feel that bc emotions are human nature. what you shouldnt do is feel like those emotions are ruining anything, or try to suppress these emotions, or make imaginary and “negative” stories out of those emotions. they are always neutral!

when you are experiencing bad things, so what you need to do to make ends meet in the 3d such as getting a job to get that money you want. whatever you do shouldnt intertwine with the rich version of you that you are being. you can do whatever you want in the 3d while being/knowing you have what you want already. but you do not self-sabotage your human self because you think that doing stuff in the 3d will “ruin your manifestation”. example: you are broke in real life so you get a job while being the version of self who is already rich. it doesnt matter what you experience in the 3d bc all that matters is who self is being. if you didnt take that job but you are struggling financially, there is still the human self to take care of (you need money for food, shelter, etc) so again, nothing you do in the 3d matters as long as you are changing self.

to wrap up: it doesnt matter what you see in the 3d. clearly you claim: you arent the prettiest or smartest or richest. thats the issue. you are accepting those versions of you. you are being those versions of you.

& “how to be more positive?” : decide you are positive and happy. i can recommend visualizing yourself living the life you want and eventually you will fulfill yourself and be this new version of you.

skim this for other questions: 🧼

- cutie jani

[carulenes]

I have so many scattered thoughts re: Blade, Jingliu, and Dan Heng and the entirety of the HCQ after Clouds Leave No Trace

This is gonna probably be long as hell since I haven’t stopped thinking abt it for two days straight and will contain spoilers for the new HCQ quest in 1.4 as well as references to other leaks, this is mostly just a jumble of a bunch of theories and ramblings to get my thoughts out, some of which I already had and others that started to jump out during the quest. obv other ppl may have come up with similar conclusions and i obv might not be right myself but based on the narrative presented to us up until now, these are what I feel make the most sense. TLDR at the end.

Dan Heng vs “running away”

I find it fascinating, and frankly disingenuous, that that both Jingliu and Blade consistently frame DH’s explanations of no longer being Dan Feng and only containing fragments of his memories as "trying to run from his past". I’ve also seen some in the fandom claim that DH’s position on the matter shouldn’t be trusted as he’s an “unreliable narrator”, which could be true, but it’s a stance I disagree with as it goes against the structure of DH’s narrative as it’s been set up since the beginning of the game.

From day one until the present, Dan Heng is shown to be fully willing to atone for the sins of his past:

The moment he was allowed to move freely aboard the Luofu after having quietly accepted exile for crimes he shouldn’t have had to pay for, he decided of his own volition to seek out the current high elder and make amends with both the Xianzhou and his past in general, even when doing so made him a target for even more suffering:

Narratively speaking, he never once backs away from the punishment considered owed to Dan Feng's actions.

Dan Heng, the result of a forced rebirth process that was then manipulated to leave him with combat prowess and broken memories he neither wanted or should have possessed to begin with, was escorted away from the only homeland he knew, after being held in prison for crimes he legally should not have been judged by from the moment of his birth, with only the few possessions his previous incarnation had possessed, forced to jump from spaceship to spaceship without even recognizing the destination. The only reason he ever ran at all is due to the ages spent fighting for his life against an enemy he didn't recognize and never truly recognized him, one that refused to die no matter how many times they fought. One who caused unmatched destruction in his hunt for Dan Heng, fully willing to destroy anyone and anything in the way of his goal— a shadow of his past:

This is why personally (emphasis on personally) I believe that the longing in question from the leak regarding Dan Heng polishing his spear is in reference to the Luofu, as to me, it makes sense that he would long for and think of the homeland he never got to witness thoroughly with his own eyes and could only experience in books while caring for the weapon he uses to keep himself and others safe from the force of destruction that trails him:

In fact, it isn't until after Dan Heng joins the Astral Express that he begins to fight back against the assertion that he must eternally suffer for the past; this is because this is when he finally has something other than himself to protect. We are directly shown this in his animated short, when the memory of the other members of the Express crew serve as the motivation to spur Dan Heng out of the internal conflict he was drowning in, and also as his prime reason for going to meet with the others in the HCQ aboard the Luofu:

This is likely possible largely due both to the fact that Vidyadhara cannot succumb to mara, as well as the fact that he doesn't have the same specific memories as the others, and so he is not shackled to the same chains that now bind Blade and Jingliu.

———

Blade and Jingliu

In Blade’s youth, Jingliu describes him as someone who was “defiant” in a way she claimed not to like. I find this fascinating given that the two are so incredibly similar at present, which I feel is due in part to Blade’s unwavering respect for her even after the pain she caused him, both because of who she is as the former Sword Champion and the amount of Abundance abominations she alone had been able to slay, as well as the pain she inflicted giving him new purpose, a choice to give him a “second chance” despite at one point having wished to leave him to his misery as a fate worse than death, as described in her character story.

Both Blade and Jingliu experienced great suffering in their childhoods

Blade's swordsmanship ability comes directly from Jingliu’s tutelage

His personal oath comes directly from Jingliu, as she forced it into his psyche over and over through death and rebirth in order to force him to remember:

They both took on deals through which they are able to have access to suppression for their mara:

And both are fighting towards goals that are implied to, at least currently, be impossible (following who I believe to be extremely suspicious individuals):

Also, both are equally stubborn, seen both through their refusal to take no as an answer to Dan Heng's wishes to no longer associate with them and through their refusal to listen to anything that may trigger or directly refute their perceptions of reality:

But most importantly:

Blade and Jingliu both became mara-struck very quickly after Baiheng’s death.

It's repeatedly mentioned that mara is linked to to the artificially stretched lifespans of Xianzhou natives, but also that a fundamental aspect of the affliction is tied to the accumulation of painful memories. Given that vast scope of the destruction that occurred during this bane, and the extreme closeness both Jingliu and Blade had to the deceased and beloved Baiheng (in addition to the trauma of being transmuted into another species entirely, in Blade's case), it's no surprise that both of them are affected so deeply. Additionally, a common treatment for mara is avoiding accessing painful memories or suppressing/removing them entirely.

As Blade himself states that the effects of mara affliction are unique to the individual, I can't make a sweeping judgement of the symptoms all the mara-struck; the specific manifestations of Jingliu and Blade's afflictions, however, can be related to the concept of complicated grief:

We see these symptoms heavily within Jingliu, who literally wears a blindfold to avoid seeing anything that can trigger painful memories, has a voiceline describing how she can't remember many details of the time she and Baiheng spent together, speaks how she's plagued with nightmares about Baiheng, and she refuses to not only prohibit herself from forgetting the pain of what happened to her that day, but also the remaining members of the HCQ.

Similar observations can be made for Blade; he notably speaks very little and withdraws from most social situations, not wanting to take part in “annoying conversations.” His particular form of mara affliction is, by his own admission, unusual and devoid of any real emotion. The few moments of reprieve are spent either thinking too much or not thinking of anything at all. When his mara strikes, though, he shuts down, going completely numb and lashing out at whatever's in his way- not unlike certain displays of trauma responses in real life. He asks directly, “Why does someone like her have to be buried, burned to ash, and eventually forgotten...? Why!?” And given Yingxing being quoted saying directly during this quest that he doesn't wish for an overly long life, and Blade's intense suicidal ideations in the present, it's not a far reach to suggest that he also wishes that he died with her or in her stead.

And both are unable to find purpose in a life without her:

Blade and Jingliu both accuse Dan Heng of being unwilling to accept the past, but both of them are quite literally and physically unable to do so themselves— Dan Heng was even the only one to have spent extended time in the Shackling Prison, even though he should not have had to due to his rebirth, while both Blade and Jingliu were both wanted criminals who managed to escape. They both walk carrying the pain of the past through the present because they feel empty without it. And, unlike Dan Heng, neither one of them have a future that they feel can look forward to.

On that note, Jing Yuan, the only member of the HCQ who is capable of succumbing to mara and yet hasn't, is also the only member to directly acknowledge Dan Heng's autonomy and existence. This extends to Dan Feng as well, as both Blade and Jingliu most often refer to both Dan Heng and Dan Feng interchangeably with the title of Imbibitor Lunae, rather than their names.

The only ones to continue to deny Dan Heng's existence and rebirth are those who are unable to leave the past behind, such as the mirage echoes forever tied to Scalegorge Waterscape, as well as Blade and Jingliu, forever tied to their own suffering.

[Side note: This is exactly why I believe HYV decided to have 1.3 end with an entire questline based around the showing the process of accepting death and healthy grieving: to act as a direct juxtaposition to Blade and Jingliu, who both are unable to engage in the process themselves.] ————

Yingxing and Dan Feng/Blade and Dan Heng

Yingxing the Furnace Master and High Elder Dan Feng were very close. They were good friends, yes, but they were also bad for each other, according to Kafka:

Which would be easy enough on its to write off as her own interpretation of a story she’s heard but doesn’t know enough to understand. But Jingliu, the living member of the HCQ most affected by their actions, shows agreement with her assessment, pointing out that she’d found it strange “to see someone so arrogant get along with someone so proud.”

These specific traits are mentioned and attributed to them multiple times— the arrogant craftsman and the proud high elder. The reason for this is also stated by Kafka: “Together, they did something bad— something terrible. It led to horrific consequences.”

The emphasis that they did it together, almost directly after stating that the pair were bad for one another (which was a conscious choice to have her say, as her statements of their shared mistake and Blade's memory loss would have sufficed on their own), is important not simply because they both made and adhered to the plan; it’s important because it implies that it was directly because it took the two of them specifically to create the chaos and unrest that took place and not anyone else. This isn’t a condemnation of either of them as individuals, but Jingliu herself points out that even the smartest people can make extremely ill-advised decisions in the heat of the moment.

If Yingxing hadn’t arrogantly believed himself alone capable of handling and utilizing the remains of the very Emanator it took a plethora of combatants including the entire HCQ to take down (likely leading to the loss in the usability of his hands as a result):

If Dan Feng hadn’t proudly believed his “salvation” more righteous than the autonomy of those mortals he sought to save, "letting" them continue living as though the right to withhold the honor of dying for a cause they believed in was his alone, while also seeming to blindly believe himself incapable of being deceived or misunderstanding something:

None of the resulting fallout would have happened.

Only one with powers like those of the High Elder of the Vidyadhara could have attempted what Dan Feng did, and only an outworlder who has experienced the allure of immortality and experienced the fear of not having enough time would be willing to assist, given the Xianzhou’s stance on acts regarding immortality.

Furnace Master and High Elder, filled with blind confidence in themselves, blind confidence in each other, enabling each other (Yingxing calling out to Dan Feng and implying that they had to be the ones to make a choice, Dan Feng being moved by his human heart’s words and his own exhaustion with watching the deaths of those around him) to make a dangerous choice at a critical moment when their close companion is in mortal peril (more accurately already dead but they couldn’t accept that), and make the decision to ignore the autonomy of everyone involved. They had no contingency plan because they were sure that, with each other, that it would work. Because of this, they both share the blame, their noble intentions not enough to outweigh their unforgivable sin.

Jing Yuan is noted to have “always understood the price better than any of [the HCQ], yet he never spoke up, never did anything”, but anyone who has had the experience of trying to tell an arrogant or prideful person that they’re wrong or making a mistake knows that that’s an uphill battle on its own. Add in that it would be two against one (one of whom he already canonically bickered with constantly throughout their companionship), asking two of the most stubborn people he knew to give up on their desire to save the beloved (for Yingxing, Baiheng; for Dan Feng, his people), the two that were closer to each other than he was with either of them (not to imply that the HCQ weren’t all very close to each other because they definitely were but in obv differing ways) right in the middle of a high stress situation where there’s no time for arguing, and what remains is Jing Yuan with no options but to watch as disaster unfolded before him and everyone else, knowing that their minds were already made up.

Yingxing never wanted to be immortal or to see Baiheng suffering, but his own hubris helped lead to both.

Dan Feng never wanted to endure the sight of meaningless death, and yet directly caused it due to his pride, believing he had the right to play god and interfere with the natural process of death, or to consider that he may be wrong.

They were good friends who were bad for each other, and good people who made an exceedingly bad decision.

In the present, it’s been over 700 years since the last meeting of the High-Cloud Quintet, meaning Yingxing and Dan Feng have been essentially dead for roughly 7x the length of the HCQ’s entire existence. Their new identities, Blade and Dan Heng are clearly meant to parallel each other, but as opposing forces going in different directions, given Blade’s unwavering desire to die, and Dan Heng’s unwavering desire to live and to protect those he cares for. Both were put through immense suffering that, in the same vein, provided the means of “freedom” for them— Blade, through the sword; Dan Heng, through banishment. And both have found new colleagues to consider allies, though even the two groups are opposed to one another.

At this point in time, they’re enemies in all respects, and the chances of any reconciliation between them in my opinion is VERY slim for multiple reasons not limited to how much time has already passed at this point:

1) Dan Heng does not trust Blade at all and actively considers him one of the biggest threats to both his own and his companions’ safety, with good reason. The only way this could feasibly change is if Blade were to stop hunting him, which likely would not happen because

2) Blade is wholly devoted to Elio’s predictions for him, which Dan Heng’s existence would be paradoxical to. One of Blade’s wishes is to kill Imbibitor Lunae specifically in revenge, and he doesn’t (or can't) accept Dan Heng’s existence; if what Dan Heng claims about his identity is true, then that could only mean the future Elio promised must be false, which would strip him of the only purpose he has left in this world, leaving him as an empty, undying husk. This matter is also complicated by the fact that

3) There is still no cure for the mara that afflicts Blade, which would be the only avenue through which Blade could even begin to consider accepting Dan Heng and potentially reconciling. Both he and Jingliu were able to discover methods of having it suppressed, but both were temporary fixes: Jingliu notes that her time is beginning to run out, and Kafka had to use alternate means to reduce the potency of the mara within Blade after it violently flared up after merely being on the Xianzhou, which is likely the only reason the meeting between the HCQ could even take place with his attendance. On top of this, there’s also the fact that

4) Blade’s feelings for Dan Feng are likely very complex as well. Deep down, there’s clearly still some fondness there in the way Blade looks back on the time spent with Dan Feng, but he’s also one of the people he deeply resents and wants to see dead, which I believe could be due to his belief that it’s Dan Feng’s fault that Baiheng died. There is a choice-dependent voiceline from Baiheng deep within Dan Heng's memories that calls out to him to save them from the starskiff, but we know that it crashed. He tried to invoke the Transmutation Arcaneum, but it failed, instead turning Baiheng into a half-dragon monstrosity whose wails of pain echoed all around them. And then, though he wasn’t the one to deal the final blow, he might as well have by giving the location of the dragon’s weak spot to Jingliu. To top everything off, everything ended with Blade within an immortal body, one that leaves him in constant pain, particularly during the healing process after “death”.

From his perspective, it’s easy to see just why Blade could place the blame of Baiheng’s burial and the near destruction of the Luofu solely on Dan Feng, accusing Dan Feng alone of being the one to stubbornly adhere to the plan; it’s also easy to point out Blade’s hypocrisy given his role as Dan Feng’s accomplice. There are multiple potential reasons for this in my opinion: his brain, afflicted by both mara and prior memory loss (though he never forgets Dan Feng’s eyes or “how cruelty burst out from beneath the mirror-like emerald calmness”); his arrogance, leading him to absolve himself of any guilt or wrongdoing because he believes himself incapable of failing; the current youth-like quality of his mind, reduced to immaturely (by which I purely mean the dictionary definition of having/showing emotional development of someone younger) craving nothing but revenge while simultaneously absolving responsibility by saying “He did it! Not me!”. Also, considering Jingliu’s dialogue to Dan Feng where she says to him “If your death can return everything to how it was, I would do it,” and the many ways Blade already emulates Jingliu, it isn’t too difficult to consider that he may have taken that duty on himself out of grief and longing.

Along with these reasons, the narrative emphasizes that even almost a millennium after Yingxing and Dan Feng’s deaths, destruction follows in their wake whenever their new lives cross paths. Dan Heng learned this quickly, hence his fervent desire to keep distance and his relative uncertainty of anywhere that could possibly be safe for him, though he also learned rather quickly that this was futile. Blade was always able to find him, entire spaceships destroyed in his unshakable desire to kill him. On the Xianzhou, not only was Dan Heng dragged into a fight with Blade, but so too was Yanqing. This cycle of destruction is implied to have been so constant for Dan Heng that it’s likely the entire reason he never feels safe or feels unable to confide in anyone so as to not risk putting them in danger.

----

The Destruction Trio

Imbibitor Lunae, Blade, and Jingliu all being on the path of destruction is no coincidence given their histories. The three “sinners” all shared a key trait: being able to cope with death and painful losses. Both Yingxing and Dan Feng viewed her as arrogant and proud, respectfully, which was another commonality between them. This leads all three of them to not only become the orchestrators of their own self-destruction, but the destruction of those around them as well: Dan Feng witnessing countless deaths and being forced to be reborn as another; Yingxing’s loss of his gift and creative abilities as well as the transformation into the immortal Blade who only sees himself as a weapon; Jingliu’s abandonment of her sacred oath and everyone she killed during her time under the influence of the mara poisoning her mind. Only Dan Heng walks a different path, as he is the only one to have directly stated that he accepts the past that happened but refuses to let it stain his bright future.

The three of them are also intrinsically linked in their pain. Dan Feng and Yingxing's mistake led directly to Jingliu's suffering; Jingliu's treatment of Blade led to his becoming a living weapon and catching the eye of the Stellaron Hunters, and also to him being able to inflict similar suffering to Dan Heng by hunting him constantly. Blade and Jingliu both are of the mind that this is inevitable and inescapable, but only Dan Heng is in a position to be able and willing to question whether he really does have to continue feeling that pain.

While it's still very early on in HSR's lifespan making it difficult to make any real concrete theories, for now I predict that Jingliu will die in her attempt to kill the Abundance, and I also believe her to be aware of this deep down, as she likely sees this as a way for her to atone and find her peace. It also makes most sense for Blade to die at some point as well, considering his parallels to Jingliu, his current character and the fact that while Yingxing used to fear not having enough time in life when he was young, he came to accept his mortality in his elder years after the full life he lived with the HCQ; it could even possibly be in defense of Dan Heng, which could provide a full-circle end to their cycle and their story, a form of closure that no other broken pair has seemed to get so far. Their respective character stories, while directly representing their current struggles, can also be viewed as allusions to their fates as well, with Blade's referring to his death and Dan Heng's highlighting him seeing the dawn of a new day. I also think it could be feasible for the discovery of a method to remove Blade's mara and for him to grow content with the Blade of today, even with powers he doesn't want, similar to Dan Heng accepting that Imbibitor Lunae's powers will always be a part of him; a "miraculous cure" sort of ending could be very clunky if not handled well in my opinion, though.

----

The Reunion

Though it's phrased in a metaphorical way, I feel pretty sure that not only did we just see the reunion alluded to by the PoWC bracer, but also that this is another remnant of Jingliu’s influence that some part of Blade’s subconscious must have clung to:

Note the usage of “should”, a term with many meanings but the most applicable being “expressing a conjecture or hope,” rather than something like “will”, which would indicate future tense or an inevitable event.

Jingliu’s splash art alone shows her pouring out a cup of alcohol

In Jingliu’s character story, Baiheng is said to have brought Jingliu “divine nectar from the other side of the universe”

At the beginning of the companion quest, in the Seat of Divine Foresight, she mentions wanting to have a glass of wine and reminisce with old friends

She is the one to bring the jade flask that Blade handcrafted himself for her when she releases the starskiff in her memory

When the remaining quartet reach Scalegorge Waterscape, she directly mentions that she never believed the 4 of them, with their many grudges and all friendship lost, would gather again and specifically quantifies the hundreds of years that have passed

She does this twice more, mentioning the seven centuries and how they all did this 700 hundred years ago

She is the one to point out that, in the past, they all promised to meet together again for a drink no matter what happened

She says that she believed “those joyful days would flow indefinitely before us” which also fits within the imagery of drinking

There are multiple visual nods to drinking in her flashbacks as well: there’s the quintet having a toast, as well as Jingliu pouring out the alcohol once again while Yingxing sips off to the side, which symbolically is a good representation of the way she poured so much of herself into Blade (whether intentionally or unintentionally) that so much of him resembles her now, down to the bow on the back of his clothes (and even their similar splash arts). There’s also a glimpse of Yingxing and Jing Yuan drinking together. Because both of them were children when they each met Jingliu for the first time, it makes sense that Jingliu and the others were likely the ones to teach the pair to drink once they each came of age.

Jingliu mentions that they will likely never all meet again, and bids farewell to the HCQ.

Finally, at the very end of the quest, she directly says:

Blade mentions alcohol only once, when he says, "The miraculous thing is that in my brief moment of death... all the pain went away... like when we drank to drown our sorrows." In Jingliu's case, we know that she was affected in much the same way as Blade, becoming more confident and boastful under the effects of drinking, mentioning that the nightmares and pain from her childhood memories were no longer so terrifying. For both of them, alcohol is another form of suppression of pain, not unlike substance abuse seen in real life, which grieving individuals are at higher risk of falling victim to.

While it’s possible this wasn’t the reunion that alluded to and they could technically all reunite once more in the future, the sheer number of references to the contents of the backstory mentioned in the bracer lead me to believe that this isn’t the case, as well as Jingliu stating herself that this would likely be their final meeting before she pays her own ultimate price. Not to mention the fact that very specific circumstances had to be in play for Jingliu/Luocha, the Stellaron Hunters, and the Astral Express to all end up on Jing Yuan’s doorstep at the same time. Specificity like that is rarely duplicated, particularly in HSR’s canon, which features many characters with formerly close bonds being separated for whatever reason with no closure to their relationship. The four of them even getting one reunion was a blessing in itself, even though none of them felt particularly happy about it afterwards.

TLDR: Dan Heng is accused of running from his past, but he is the only one of the three "sinners" capable and willing to do so; Jingliu and Blade are heavy parallels of each other and share the same pains of complicated grief; Yingxing and Dan Feng together (and Blade and Dan Heng by association) bring out the worst in each other and represent a cycle of destruction that neither of them are currently able to escape from; the reunion mentioned by the bracer was likely Jingliu's idea that Blade also began to internalize and we likely just watched it occur; Dan Feng, Blade, and Jingliu were all incapable of handling death and loss and this inability is what lead to the three of them causing so much pain and destruction for themselves, each other, and everyone around them.

[lotusmi]

the mike wazowski VOID STATE challenge

yes the challenge is called mike wazowski, dont judge mike (and dont judge me too lmao

complain and blame method 😫😫😪

I know I know, I said we are in "void detox 🍵era" in this blog... But I got an idea of a new challenge that you all may like so I am breaking the rules here 😎

mike hottie wazowski is this gentleman and i named the challenge after him since its a hot challenge just like him get it?

💬"Ok, ok Lotus,... What is this stupid challenge about?"

Oh yea, the challenge... yes yes.

So! The challenge is to complain and blame! I dare you to complain about your void journey! Can you complain all day and enter the complainer state? I bet you do! 🤭

As we know, our states are reflected. What we do within ourselves is manifested in our world.

Bloggers say "enter the state of the person that always enter the void☝️👩‍🏫"

But some of you don't feel like you can do it, right? Yes, I know. You try and then give up. "How you I believe, how would i do thhaaat?? 😪😭😭" then you complain again and again.

Are you the "I TRIEEED EVWRYTHING I NEED TO EMTERR HEESLP MEE 😭😭😭" person? YOUR PROBLEMS END HERE muahahha!! 😼

You are now my actor/actress 😼 your paper is to be someone who always enter the void so easily that it ANNOYS YOU🙄🙄. Like?? You cannot even sleep without entering ughhh 😑

You will take this as a fun challenge! Can you have fun doing this? I know you can! Just take it easy and be the most annoyed and worried person in earth!

There are a lot of people here who is worried and obsessed about the void. You are already in this state and can't see motivation to leave it? Just change the focus of it! Now you are obsessed to know WHY you ALWAYS WAKE UP/TAP IN THE VOID.

HEHHEHEH WHAT A PLOT TWIST, NO? 😌😏

Here is how you will do: you will act as if you were entering in the void literally always and you are sooo annoyedd 😒😒😒😒 I'll give you an exemple of how your self talk should be like:

"Awww I just woke up 🛌 and I entered in void agaaain arrghh 😒😒😒 bro?? Whhyy I keep entering in this mf everytime I sleep? 🙄🙄 like how can I stop myself of ENTERING ALWAAAYSS?? I TRIED EVERYTHING AND I KEEP ENTERING in the VOID😭😭😭😪 How can i even live this day knowing if I fall asleep or when night comes I will be there 🙄 AGAIN??? 😫 omg i amm sooo mad that I enter in void like instantly I cannot even close my eyes cuz BOOM 😭😤😤 and to know that I am forced to enter today agaiinnn?? 🙄😭😭😭😭. LIKE WHY THIS IS HAPPENING TO MEEEE?? 😟😟Oohh not its getting time to sleep and i'll enteeer the voidd agaaainn 🙄🙄"

+You can also imagine you telling a friend how you always enter the void to the point it is annoying you.

+You can have fun, make it natural and be creative! Roll your eyes 🙄, act as if! Act like a movie actress, take a breath 😤 and say "uuhh omg why i keep enteriinnnn duh 😒"

KEEP LIVING IN 4D AND IN THE CHARACTHER NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS!! If you left the state just go back to your self talks about "ughh i keep entering" again! 💗

The focus here is to change your assumptions and take it easy, you ignore 3d and keep telling yourself the new story 💗

Don't think in terms of "when will I enter?" But "I know I will enter since i always do, it is done".

How long should I do the challenge?

That's up to you! You can pick a date, enter today, enter in 3 days, do along @uniquelymeandmyworld2 challenge or whatever you feel like!

That is it 😌 have fun babygirls 💗😘

[ruhorih4ra]

Now, finally. After being chingue y chingue con que ya era la última parte. This is the final part. Heavely hungry and sleepless I arrive to the end of this fanfic.

Thank you to all the readers for bearing with me, I know that I was mame y mame with the grammar mistakes but it's because I cannot avoid thinking that I'm making a fool of myself.

Believe me when I say I do this for fun, but given that I run out of motivation quite fast I kept writing because your comments.

Thanks to all of you and please wish me luck tomorrow cause I'll be a working zombie.

GET OUT OF MY WAY 🌈

You couldn't move. Worse than that, you were trapped in a demonic oven, cooking yourself alive. Every part of your body was sweating, you could feel it on your forehead, your wet hair sticking to your face.

“I can't sleep.” You said but your complaints were met with silence. “I can’t sleep because of you.” Once again, you received no response. It's not that this situation was unexpected, but for some reason you thought it wouldn't happen so soon, at least not until you had talked about the elephant in the room.

You were getting ready for bed when someone knocked on your door, not a second later the door opened to reveal a hunched over and disheveled Belphegor dragging his pillow. Behind him was Beelzebub, dressed in thin black pants and a simple white shirt. ���Let's have a sleepover.” Belphie mumbled, throwing himself onto the bed but hanging in the air instead thanks to Beel holding his hoodie. “Only if you want.” Beel added with a serious expression.

You tried to fight off Beelzebub’s pleading eyes but, it was a cold night. “Fine, but don’t eat in my bed.” The redhead smiled widely, nodding a few times before releasing Belphie. Beelzebub could make any bed look like a crib, especially your old single little bed. “Where am I supposed to sleep now, hm?” Still with a smile on his face he simply opened his arms, an offer you accepted gladly. It was nice to lie on top of him listening to the soft beat of his heart, feeling Belphie’s arms around you.

“Good night, Mc.” You heard his voice hoarse from sleep.

It was an hour later when the door opened and you felt someone else climb onto the bed, making Belphie snarl in the process. The smell of Mammon's shampoo filled the room. “Night.” He murmured, giving you a quick peck, lying down next to you too.

Fifteen minutes later, you felt someone make space between you and Belphie, waking up the Avatar of Sloth again. The softness of his skin and the scent of roses told you who the culprit was. “Sweet dreams, dear.” He kissed your forehead.

“Good night everyone.” Your eyes were on the door, already prophesying the appearance of another demon. The seconds passed without any interruption, except the casual movement of one of the giant demons trying to fit better, however the door remained closed.

It was starting to get hot, but the calm breathing and cozy atmosphere lulled you to sleep.

The tight grip of Levi's tail on your right leg woke you up, he was sleeping soundly in the middle of your legs hugging it like a pillow. “When did he arrive?”

“We got here at the same time.” Satan answered, he was sitting on the other side of the bed. You looked at him long before actually understand his words. “You can’t sleep like that, Satan.”

Truth is that nobody could. The bed was too small to fit seven bodies, not only that but they were heavy and the poor bed base was about to give up. You could practically hear the wood cry, and so could the brothers. “Some of you have to go.” You stated, eyes looking at the ceiling.

“Beel weighs more than all of us.” Mammon said immediately. “I arrived first.” Beel was quick to reply. “Then Satan and Levi should leave, they were the last.” Asmo didn’t bother to remove the blindfold sleep mask. “I’ll throw you out of bed, Asmo.” Satan warned. “You can try, Mr. Grumpy pants.” You heard something fly and land beside you with more force than expected from a pillow. “Ouch! My face you beast!”

“I have an idea, let’s play rock, pape-” You heard how Mammon’s soul and air left his body and lungs respectively. “Hey! Stop biting my leg, Belphie, I know you’re awake!” That had to be Levi. Your bed suddenly became a fighting ring where you couldn’t see anything, Beel’s arms were your only anchor in the middle of the chaos since no one dared to mess with him.

However, it all came to an end when the door opened.

Only his silhouette could be seen as the light outside hid him but everyone knew who he was, the way they stopped like scared opossums was proof of that. “Could you please explain what’s going on here?” But it was a protocol question, he already knew everything there was to know. In fact, since he started his daily routine check and found out that the twins’ room was empty, guessing the rest had been easy.

“Come here, Mc.” He took you from Beelzebub’s arms, surprising not only you but everyone. “Hey! Where are ya takin’em?” “Lucifer! It’s so not fair!” He carried you like a toddler, with your legs on either side and your arms around his neck. “Lucifer?” You asked, evidently a little taken aback by the turn of events. “Pffftt. They’re following us like a bunch of weirdos. Like a cult or something.” You yawned as you rested your head on his shoulder.

When Lucifer arrived to his room, you expected him to crash the door or cast a locking spell, but he just left you on the bed and asked Mammon to close the door. One by one they took a place on the bed, vaguely reminding you the image of a cat testing the ground. You expected more fights and disagreements, but instead the lights went out and you founded yourself lying comfortably on a spacious bed, surrounded by all of them in no time.

Something inside you, kept you awake. Lying on your back your eyes were glued to the ceiling and not even Belphie’s influence defeated your insomnia. “Close your eyes, Mc. You’re scaring me.” Mammon murmured in your ear but you shook your head. “I can’t.”

“I want to, I missed you all like you can’t even begin to imagine,” Your words were cut off when Satan interrupted you, “Not as much as we did.” You wanted to see him but it was too dark, you couldn’t even distinguish between them. Still, you were convinced everyone was wide awake.

“Nobody has never loved me like you.” You murmured, letting your confession sink softly into the room. “We had a rough start. Sc is right when she says that our love is somehow twisted. I’ve thought about it too, maybe loving you is a disease and I’m crazy because I reject the medicine.” Mammon hid his face in your neck, getting closer to you.

“But I love you despite logic or reason.” You felt your voice fail and took a deep breath before continuing. “It wasn't my fault. The Little D's.” Your speech, you noted, was becoming messy and incoherent, nothing like you have planned. “But I’ve decided that I can’t love you anymore if that can destroy you.”

The brothers had listened to you in apparent calm until they heard those words. They understand human values, principles and logic, even the way they conduct themselves too, but only to a certain point and more often than not you exceed it. They don’t want to lose you, not again, not ever. They would rather be Icarus than live in eternal darkness.

“We know it was the witch's fault.” Mammon said with no malice or resentment but with great desperation. “We weren’t trying to hurt you!” Belphie said, his voice sounded pained as if the words were cutting his mouth as they came out.

“I know, but you hurt me either way and I hurt you too!” You put a hand over your eyes, covering them. You felt Mammon’s tears on your neck and immediately felt guilty. He was one of the most affected, constantly fighting his guilt for he sees himself as your ‘failed protector’.

“Yes, Sc released them but she was trying to do her work. You were playing with her.”

“We weren’t.” Lucifer asseverated. “We wanted to know her intentions.” Satan added. “That's not the whole truth. You knew her intentions all along, you just wanted to destroy her plans and send a message.”

“And what message would that be?” Lucifer asked, and you could sense how it turned out defensive. “That you want the three worlds to coexist, yes, but on your own terms.”

A silence fell over the room as soon as you said it.

“Do you really think humans are ready to know about The Devildom?” Lucifer was the first to sit up. You followed him, trying to look at his face through the darkness. In that sense they had a clear advantage, although they could see you perfectly fine, you could only see a shadow, a copycat, an impersonator. “And why are you the ones who decide?”

“Answer me, Mc.” Lucifer pressed. Mammon sat up too, hugging you from behind and resting his head on your shoulder. “Of course we're not ready, but that didn't stop Diavolo from breaking into our world!”

Again, your words echoed in the silence of the room along with the muffled gasps of Levi and Asmo.

“This is what we were trying to avoid.” The Avatar of Pride said, he tried to leave the bed. Poor Asmo felt the air leaving his lungs when Lucifer pushed him out of his way.

“If you leave,” You said, your voice weak and weary. “If you leave now, I swear I'll go to the human world and I won't ever come back here. You will never see me again, not in this life.” Lucifer stopped short, you couldn’t see his face but his voice alone crushed your heart. “That’s cruel, Mc.”

“You don’t leave me any choice! You refuse to speak and I don’t want to pretend this never happened because it did and I’m scared because I don’t want to experience this again!”

“...”

“I can't see you, I'm the only one in this room who can't see in the dark. I'm only human. There are so many things I can't do compared to you, but I am not weak or stupid, I’m a sorcerer and the bridge between the three worlds.”

Lucifer had wanted to tell you the truth for a long time, but hearing you now, being able to see your resolve and the fire within your eyes made him regret his hesitation. Solomon knew it, and that’s why he was so arrogant all the time, he knew that humans can be dangerous too.

If only you knew, he wonders if you’d smile like the wise sorcerer.

“Don't underestimate us, look at me as your equal, this is an order.” You finished, looking at the white sheets and averting the brothers’ forms. “Love does not stand on uneven ground.”

All the brothers had seen what Lucifer saw, the strength and stubbornness that characterize humans, the promise to die fighting for what one loves and wasn’t that the reason they fell? Once again they came to the same conclusion, when it comes to love, demons, angels or humans are no different.

They too would die fighting for what they love and weren’t you the proof of that? Ever since you appeared in the Devildom you are equals, you don’t need more evidence than a mirror, even if you can’t realize it yet.

And if you were not her descendant you would still be one of the creatures she loved so much, and if she had never loved a human and they only knew you as a coincidence of fate you would still be you and that is more than enough for them to love you.

One by one, each of them joined you in a hug. Finally, the elephant in the room was as big as a mini Little D. “We were scared, at least I know I was. I wanted to protect you and also protect us, what we have” Satan said, speaking awkwardly like few times in his life.

“As the Great Admiral of Hell’s Navy I can tell you that we kept you out of this because we didn’t want to risk our sole reason to fight.” Leviathan’s eyes were closed, he was enjoying the clarity and courage that your soul was giving him. “We took the wrong route.” He added.

When the hug broke, you couldn’t shake the feeling that part of you had gone with them and part of them had stayed with you. “Stay by our side, please, allow us to show you our resolve.” The older brother took your hand, waiting for a response.

You suffered another huge, crushing hug when you gave them one.

***

Everyone was having a good time. The castle had never been more inviting, more homely. Lucifer and Mammon were fighting over the music while Luke tried to keep Beelzebub and Solomon out of the kitchen. Normality, once again.

“We are sorry, Mc. We promise they are our far, far, very distant cousins!” The Little D. number 2 said, he was mortified, constantly hiding from you and trying to announce his presence every time he appeared on the scene just so he wouldn't scare you.

“They're awful! A pest! we would never be like them!” The Little D. number 5 added, taking off his hat, his eyes were curved in a gesture that could not mean anything other than regret. “We would never hurt you!!” The Little D. number 6 murmured.

“Don't worry guys, I know you'd never hurt me. You are much kinder and more adorable than them.” You reassured them, patting the head of one of them.

“Of course they wouldn't hurt you, you’d mop the floor with them.” Barbatos said. Whether it was because of his words, his sadistic smile, or the mere fact that he was Barbatos, the Little D.'s ran as soon as he arrived.

“You shouldn't be so hard on them, you scare them.” One thing was true, even if they were family-friendly shaped, you still felt the need to be alert.

“Don't worry Mc, I assure you that I'm not, under any circumstance, stricter than necessary.” Barbatos watched the little demons going from one place to another, serving their guests as best as they could. “It must be difficult for you to look at them.”

“Are you perhaps testing me again?” You asked, so quietly that it was hidden by the music, only the butler heard you and even he had to read your lips to make sure. Barbatos was speechless. It was clear how angry you were but your words didn't match with your calm and steady voice, with your happy and carefree expression. You reminded him of a certain angel.

“I’m surprised you think I would do something so reckless.” He opted for a serious face, leaving behind his usual smile. “No?”

“No.”

“You saw me and those demons, didn't you? you knew what was happening and you did nothing. Why?” You asked, drinking the expensive liquid that could get a demon drunk but wouldn’t even tickle a human.

“Because that's not what you wanted.” Barbatos simply said, curious as to why it seems like you trust him even less than when you found out he had the power to alter the timelines. “Really?” You asked, incredulous.

“I don’t know why I can’t believe you,” You got closer to Barbatos, face to face, your eyes meeting his. “I don’t believe you. If I hadn’t defeated them, wouldn't you have changed the timelines again?”

Ah, a sensible question that hid more interrogatives of the same nature. He knew from the look in your eyes that it wasn’t the first time you’d asked yourself that. It was inevitable, you are a human.

Still, Barbatos couldn't pinpoint what was the ache inside him. He couldn't comprehend why he felt so utterly sad when you talked to him in that way, as if all his presence could offer you were headaches.

“But what am I saying? you didn't do anything because you knew I was going to win.” A part of Barbatos was surprised by how accusatory your voice sounded, maybe facing death gave you enough stupid courage to facing him. “I didn't know.” One brief look into your eyes and he knew your inner turmoil, asking yourself if you should believe him or not.

“I decided to wait and see.” Nobody was paying attention to what seem like a normal conversation but he still felt judged, sooner than later he realized why. In a way, you were scolding him and, in a way, he felt miserable. That was new for him too.

“Why?” You asked. “Because that's what you wanted.” He said and his smile found its way onto his lips again. You reminded him of Solomon before he became the wise sorcerer, how hopeless he was in the face of so much power. “Does that mean you trust me with all of this?” He didn’t have time to answer, you embraced him first, mumbling a feeble thank you.

He could only think one thing, for the way his heart skipped a beat, he should be careful around you.

You turned around and walked towards the brothers, little by little you felt how the war inside you subsided. Lucifer seemed calmer than ever tying Mammon from the highest candelabra. Leviathan and Luke were fighting over who should try Solomon’s dish first, Asmo and Satan laughing at them. Beelzebub devouring the entire menu and Belphie sleeping next to Lilith.

Lilith. You frowned, your eyebrows dropped and your eyes filled with unshed tears. As your lips trembled and your face etched with sadness, you lost sight of her. Before you could think it had been an illusion you felt like something you couldn’t see was hugging you. “You were right, I didn’t have to worry.” Lilith disappeared with a smile on her face and the wink of an eye, leaving you smiling.

Before you could reach the others, you heard a cacophony of screams and things breaking just a few steps away from you; All the Little D.s were chasing a little black ball no bigger than the palm of your hand. The Mini Little D. of Pride that had been captured in the magic bird cage.

He stood in front of you, raising and pointing an adorable finger at your face.

“You!” He screamed, and as laughable as it was, he looked angry.

You sighed, happier than ever. “Really, just get out of my way.”

FIN.

Taglist: @yuumaofc @asmolover1234 @gallantys @prefesro @urminebutidontwantyou @fiveofspades @exrellian @cutestpatoootie @fandumshippr @frenchmess23yo @completelyshatteredbrokenmschf

[bethanydelleman]

All the People* who Wield Umbrellas in Jane Austen's novels and What it Means:

Dr. Grant, kindly asking Fanny to step into the house during a rainstorm

Fanny, having been sent into the village on some errand by her aunt Norris, was overtaken by a heavy shower close to the Parsonage; and being descried from one of the windows endeavouring to find shelter under the branches and lingering leaves of an oak just beyond their premises, was forced, though not without some modest reluctance on her part, to come in. A civil servant she had withstood; but when Dr. Grant himself went out with an umbrella, there was nothing to be done but to be very much ashamed, and to get into the house as fast as possible, Mansfield Park

Mr. Weston, kindly (perhaps with motive), getting an umbrella for Miss Taylor and Emma:

Robert Martin, most likely was holding an umbrella for his sisters, then kindly warns Harriet that a path is washed out:

“Ever since the day—about four years ago—that Miss Taylor and I met with him in Broadway Lane, when, because it began to drizzle, he darted away with so much gallantry, and borrowed two umbrellas for us from Farmer Mitchell’s, I made up my mind on the subject. I planned the match from that hour; and when such success has blessed me in this instance, dear papa, you cannot think that I shall leave off match-making.” Emma

Frank Churchill, trying to protect his secret fiancé from the rain:

“And so, there she had set, without an idea of any thing in the world, full ten minutes, perhaps—when, all of a sudden, who should come in—to be sure it was so very odd!—but they always dealt at Ford’s—who should come in, but Elizabeth Martin and her brother!—Dear Miss Woodhouse! only think. I thought I should have fainted. I did not know what to do. I was sitting near the door—Elizabeth saw me directly; but he did not; he was busy with the umbrella. I am sure she saw me, but she looked away directly, and took no notice; and they both went to quite the farther end of the shop; and I kept sitting near the door! Emma

Admiral Croft, making sure Anne can grab an umbrella:

In a few minutes the carriage returned.—Somebody talked of rain.—“I will see that there are umbrellas, sir,” said Frank to his father: “Miss Bates must not be forgotten:” and away he went. Emma

And lastly, Captain Wentworth, offering an umbrella to Anne (Mr. Elliot does not have one, we shall note):

“Well, whenever it suits you. You can slip in from the shrubbery at any time; and there you will find we keep our umbrellas hanging up by that door. A good place is not it? But,” (checking himself), “you will not think it a good place, for yours were always kept in the butler’s room. Ay, so it always is, I believe. One man’s ways may be as good as another’s, but we all like our own best. And so you must judge for yourself, whether it would be better for you to go about the house or not.” Persuasion

Umbrellas in Jane Austen are symbols of love and kindness. Always wielded by men. They provide shelter. A good man carries an umbrella, but not for himself.

After a moment’s pause he said: “Though I came only yesterday, I have equipped myself properly for Bath already, you see,” (pointing to a new umbrella); “I wish you would make use of it, if you are determined to walk; though I think it would be more prudent to let me get you a chair.” Persuasion

*Northanger Abbey's counting of umbrellas to see if it is raining does not count, as the people are unknown

[bgbrry]

On My Chemical Romance, dictatorships and comfort.

So my very initial reaction to the Black Parade tour announcement was, while not entirely negative, definitely frustrated. For the past several hours I have also been trying to understand why. I knew they were doing something based off TBP, but something about that made me inherently uncomfortable in an odd way.

Rationalising it to myself, it made perfect sense. This tour is almost a bigger scale version of one of my favourite stunts they ever pulled - WWWY2022. We have a parody of their old self, performing as a rotted corpse of the band they used to be for an audience that will cheer regardless, as long as they hear the songs they recognise, that dont put them outside their comfort zone. And then we have the very idea of MCR parodied as a dictator the very next day. It served not only as incredible satire of cash grab tours and nostalgia festival, but a critique of the way the band is perceived by the fans.

So if its not discomfort with the theme, what could it be? Maybe it is the subversion of the "secretary" character, who I have analysed in a completely different manner since the day i first saw that leg of the tour? Perhaps, in a way, it is odd to feel as though a concept you have been enthralled in for so long is snatched away from you and turned on its head. But isnt that what always made me like this band? The unconventional storytelling, the twists and turns they pulled?

In my initial post complaining about a hypothetical TBP continuation I proclaimed that any material that isnt entirely original would be a disappointment and underwhelming considering the themes of Return tour. But why do I think that? Isnt it hypocritical, for someone who values Return as a masterpiece to put this baseless boundary in place without knowing what I am talking about just yet? At what point does the idea of "Reimagining your own legacy through a corrupting force that forever alters it" become worse because it is more explicit? How am I not at that point complacent in being the very force that puts My Chem in a box of expectations i built up for them.

And that is pretty much what I came to for now. It is one am and I cannot get it out of my head. My own expectations for what "The New MCR project" were going to be, are held up by my own unconscious desires and understandings of what "good art" is, based on the very world that oppresses people like me and those with their head under the boot of this system. The idea that a new album has more inherent value than performance art, the idea that a tour is motivated by monetary reasons exclusively, the idea that the concepts and characters that bring people comfort and nostalgia are too precious to be tarnished by something new. The tour has not even begun and I already got caught in its trap of complicity to the system that can bring me comfort.

When I was recording a voice message about this announcement, I had to go past two cops, and I couldn't say the word "dictator" as I did not want to get in trouble with them.

I do not want to be this complicit. I wanna hear them out. Especially if it makes me uncomfortable

[aaronstveit]

Hi Jamie! 🫶😙 I’m trying to read more this year and was wondering what your usual reading routine looks like? Four books already is amazing!

hi taylor!!🫶🏻💓 full disclosure, all four books i've read have been on the shorter side: i think the bear and the nightingale is the only one that even clears 300 pages so far? i generally prefer shorter books over longer books so that definitely counts for something here. the way i typically read is like this (putting this beneath a read more because this got out of hand):

first it's important to note that i am really lucky and i have a lot of free time! it would be very disingenuous for me to act like i don't, and like that doesn't play a role in how much i read.

i also don't sleep very well so i do a lot of reading at night. i would say the majority of my reading happens from like 10pm-2am. which of course is not ideal but it is what it is.

reading is also my primary hobby! i like doing other things of course, but reading is the hobby i dedicate the most of my time to. when i get really caught up in a tv show, or giffing, or writing, my reading time declines rapidly. but right now i'm not doing any of that really, so i've just been reading! plus, the weather here has been pretty rough this last week, so i've been doing a lot of reading just because i've been cooped up trying to stay warm.

i like to have a couple different books going at any given time, in a couple of different genres. typically one longer book and/or classic, one easier book, and something like a nonfiction book, poetry collection, or short story anthology. that way, i have different things going for different moods! like right now, i've got notre dame de paris by victor hugo, a vindication of the rights of women by mary wollstonecraft, and the examiner by janice hallett! so i've got some more challenging reads, and then something that's more fun and that i can sit and read for hours at a time.

with the more difficult books, i aim to read one chapter a day, and if i'm really into it, i might read a bit more! but i don't force it. that's really my biggest thing: i don't force it. if i'm reading and i get distracted wanting a snack, i'll get to the end of my chapter and then go get a snack. if i decide i want to scroll social media for a few minutes, i let myself. i know a lot of people say you shouldn't do that, but it works so much better for me if i let myself get distracted instead of fighting it. i would rather go scroll through tumblr for five minutes and then come back to my book ready to read again, than read several chapters and not remember anything because i'm thinking about how i want to do something else.

i also think that letting yourself pause or DNF books is vital to reading more. i know it sounds counterintuitive, but trying to force myself through a book i don't like does wayyyyy more damage to my reading motivation than just giving up and choosing something else. i don't like reading to feel like a chore, so when it does, i switch it up.

also, i cannot emphasize this enough: find someone you can talk to about books. they don't even have to have read the book you're reading, just find someone you can tell about whatever you're reading. my dad and i talk about the books we're reading all the time, and it makes me even more excited to read so i can tell him about it and recommend books to him that i think he'll like. it's a really fun way for us to connect and we've discovered new favorites from each other, which is really cool. even when i don't think he'll like a book i'm reading (even when i don't like a book i'm reading) i can talk to him about it, and vice versa. it's really nice.

setting goals is also super helpful, if you're the type of person whose brain works like that! i don't work very well on numerical goals, so i set my goodreads goal at a relatively low number (for me) and i focus more on general goals. mostly this means challenging myself to branch out of my comfort zone. i prefer shorter books and mysteries and thrillers, so i have been challenging myself to read longer books and to read more fantasy, science fiction, classics, and literary fiction. it's better for me to have more broad goals that are less pass-fail, but everyone works differently!

knowing what format works best for you is also really important. i read best with physical books, so i get what i can from the library! e-books are next best for me, and my library has hoopla and libby, so i can usually find what i want to read there if they don't have a physical copy. i can only audiobook if i'm working with my hands, so when i'm working on a hands-on project, i'll find an audiobook to listen to, usually something short! when it comes to plays, i prefer listening to them over reading them, and they usually don't exceed 3 hours or so, so sometimes i'll listen to plays while i work on stuff. shakespeare's stuff is all in the public domain so i find free podcasts of them on spotify, and i really enjoy them! otherwise though i'm not big on audiobooks, so i don't listen to much other than plays.

fomo also plays a big role for me i won't lie.... when i see everyone else on earth enjoying a book, i want to read it and have fun too! this does mean i have read some truly horrible books in my time, but i've also discovered a lot of my favorites this way!

god i've spent over an hour scrolling through cossette notebookmusical's blog because i KNOW she once made a post that was so much better than anything i can say when it comes to reading more, but i can't find it anywhere 😭 if/when i find it, i will send it to you! i hope some of this advice helps 💛 also you are always welcome to come talk to me about books!!!! i hope 2025 is kind to you 🫂

[amunyan]

Okay, now the drama begins - who would have ever guessed…

With a little misunderstanding here and a very jealous Mereoleona there…

And I'm also aware that FemReader is overreacting a bit. But in my defence - I know I'm not good at writing arguments and stuff. I'm more into fluffy, lovely things and cuddles… (But I'm trying to improve my wrinting on this topic…)

"Do you still think this is a good idea? I mean; we are talking about our teacher, you are about to mishear ..."

Yuno is everything but happy. But his other friends are serious. They want to know what is going on between (Y/N) and their teacher. Despite what Yuno tells them, they might just be good friends, after Leo told him again about their random encounter at the Christmas market. But the boy can't stop his friends all by himself. And the girls in the group were more than sure that a big scandal was brewing.

"Even Mimosa is talking about it. I am now surrounded by a bunch of idiots. I wonder what kind of crisis we are causing with these hasty conclusions..."

The bell for the big break is about to ring. The boys in the trio's class have just finished three hours of sport.

Asta, Leo and Yuno - forced by his friends - have volunteered to clean up the gym. Without any ulterior motives, of course.

They have already put away the mats and all the other equipment they have used today, and are free to go.

But they do not. Instead, they approach Yami - Leo with a very dark glaze in his eyes and Asta with his arms crossed. Yuno stands beside them, silent.

"Are you finished, boys? Or is there something else I can do for you?"

"We know exactly what you are doing," Leo starts.

At first Yami thinks that the boys might have found out that he smokes the cigarettes himself, he takes away from the students he catches smoking.

But no, this is not the reason for Leo's angry behaviour.

"We've seen you cheating on Miss Roselei!" says Asta without a great deal of hesitation.

"How dare you think that (Y/N) would like you more than my older brother?"

"What do you mean?" Irritated, the teacher looks between Asta and Leo.

"Pretending is pointless! We have photos!"

Yami raises his arms in defiance. What do the three of them want from him? Or rather just Leopold and Asta. Yuno is clearly uncomfortable with the situation. So uncomfortable that he does not even look at his physical education teacher.

And then this accusation. (Y/N) and himself? Or her and Fuegolen? Yami cannot help but laugh. He knows very well that his friend of many years is more interested in other women than in men...

"Why are you laughing? What is so funny?"

"Sorry guys, but this joke is too good. Fuegoleon and (Y/N)? Or..."

He can't even lough about himself.

"Don't be so mean to my brother!" Leopold yells now. "They are meant for each other! And you are destroying that!"

"Are you sure, little lion?" Yami grins. The little brother seems to be not so on the ball...

That's why he wants to help him and remember Leo, who was the one who marked her territory at the Christmas market.

"Better beg away from her - she is my prey." He echoes Mereoleona’s words. With a serious expression, he looks at Leo before bursting into laughter. "Do you remember those words? If not, think about them and who is into (Y/N). But if you want my honest answer - she and I are very close. I hope I have made myself clear - and now out of the way. I have to make a reservation at a fancy restaurant for Christmas".

With these words, Yami walks past his students, who look at him in confusion.

"That went wrong somehow," Leo mumbles. 

After a long day at work, you came home very late. Mereo had taken over some lessons at the Fighting Club for her sick brother that day and was training the group of teenagers around her youngest brother Leopold . So - she wasn't home.

Then you put on your Christmas playlist and make yourself a cup of tea. Yes, in your new mug. Only becouse Mereo doesn't like it, doesn't mean you can't. Besides ;You have already grown to it and like it anyways.

"Too bad - but I will prepare dinner for us. Maybe she will be happy to have something good to eat when she comes home. So let's get to work," you say, pulling up your sleeves and tying on an apron.

While tapping your feet to the beat of every Song, you are chopping lots of vegetables and prepairing the meat. Not knowing what storm is coming...

"Great - now put everything in a casserole dish and pop it in the oven!"

After putting the meal in the oven and setting the timer, you tidy up the kitchen and start setting the table.

"Well, only about 10 minutes left. I hope she will be..."

Just as you were hoping that Mereoleona would be home in time, you heard the front door open.

 "Hi," you greet her happily and want to hug her, but she pushes you away. "Spare me the nonsense! What are you doing? Standing here like a housewife. I can make a joke of myself! Also; today was Training. Where have you been?"

Shocked by her suddenly dismissive reaction, you back off. "Um... sorry. But I thought you would enjoy a good meal after getting home so late? And I was looking forward to it, too, after a stressful day at work." You try to smile.

"Aha, work is your excuse. Are you sure about that?"

But she does not answer your question. "Do you know what I think - oh no, I know; you have been secretly having an affair with Yami!"

"You can ask my colleagues if you don't believe me. And anyway, it's monday. Tomorrow would be our training. I think you are messing things up. But this isn't an interrogation now, is it?"

"Excuse me? What am I having?" Your eyes widen, but moments later you start laughing out loud.  "Nice joke, really. Where did you get that stupid idea from?"

But Mereo does not lought. She is serious.

"Look," she takes her mobile phone out of her gym bag and slaps it on the kitchen table. "Leopold sent me these pictures after training." Her phone shows far too many pictures of you and Yami. All taken at the mall on Saturday when you two were shopping for Christmas presents.

"Oh, these ones. Just Yami and me buying some presents. But I have to admit... they are very unflattering."

You feel hot and cold. Not just because someone has secretly taken pictures of you. Also because they really do look a bit like there is more between you and your childhood friend.  And Mereoleona leans ominously over you like a wild animal.

"Are you sure? Leo told me a different story. How Yami told him and the other boys that you are his prey. So... what kind of stupid game did you play, (Y/N)?"

"What the hell did he tell them?" you ask yourself in horror. "His prey? Of course - Yami does not talk like that. Those are Mereoleona's words. But..."

You cannot be sure if Yami really called you his prey or if these are just Mereoleona's words describing what he said.

You press your lips together. And even if the anger about your friend's premature conclusions is boiling inside you, you try to avoid an escalation.

Again, you try to talk to her. Tell her about the situation in the photo. "The picture is from Saturday. We were helping each other to find a present for the person we love. He for Charlotte and I for..."

But she cuts you off: "I thought you were alone?"

"I never said I was alone!"

She thinks about your words and seems to be satisfied by now.

But then: "And why did he say something about a date you suggested?"

"Huh? Date? Yami and I. Never! Whatever gave you that idea again?"

"Last night, when you went to the toilet during the film. I just read the lock screen of your mobile and..."

Now, for once, you are the one who interrupts her: "You have read them! What is wrong with you?" Your eyes narrow to small slits and you look at her with a grim expression. " I thought this fear of you was off the table? But no, you needed to fall into another wild conspiracy. Well done, Mereoleona!"

You don't say anything more. You just get your mobile phone and don't even bother turning down the happy Christmas music singing in Spanish - and give it to her. "Here! I have nothing to hide and I don't mind if you read it. Go ahead and read the whole chat with Yami! Look at all my Pictures, my other Chats, my E-Mails. If you want to, you can check out my bank account. And don't you dare be jealous! Do not even dare to question my faithfulness. Besides - I only like girls! Being with Yami or your brother - ridiculous! I don't know what annoys me more, your lack of trust in me or that you have jumped into stupid and unfounded accusations!"

You don't mind the dinner timer going off either. You went into the bedroom, followed by Mereoleona, who was still reading the texts. She is already sorry for the accusations and is about to apologize.

So you don't want to hear her excuses and apologizes.

But now you are far too angry. Angry at the lack of trust and the false accusations. Also at Leo and the photos he may have taken, but surely sent to his sister. You never had anything to hide from her.

"(Y/N)? I am sorry. I shouldn't have..." Then she stops. She stands watching you, silent and with a look of disbelief on her face, as you pack your bags.

"Save yourself the trouble," you grumble. "As I said - for me there is only you. But if you can't even believe this simple thing..."

"Where are you going?" she asks. Her voice is shaking.

"I don't know. But I have to calm down. I need to think. It hurts too much to stay here now..." With a sad look in your eyes and your luggage in your hands, you head for the front door with the first tears rolling over your face. But before you go, you decide to tell her the truth about the cup. "Oh, and something else," your voice trembles as you wrap your scarf around your neck and point your head towards the kitchen counter. "That ugly cup was supposed to be a present for you. Yes, I was foolish to think you would like such a sweet thing. But it reminded me of one of your first times outside the martial arts school. When we went to the strawberry field in early summer. From that day on, we met all the time. We became good friends and something more. But anyway - I'm off".

Mereoleona does not stop you as you slam the door behind you and stumble down the stairs into the cold night that greets you with an icy wind.

[lostinhisworld]

find me - RAFE CAMERON

warnings: angst!!!! so much angst. addiction. allusion to death/killing? sad rafe. sad reader. she/her pronouns. breakup. messy writing. unedited. potential for a part 2 with a happy ending? lmk if i missed anything. another draft. drabble

word count: 384

hope you enjoy x

sorry about my lack of posting and request replies. i’ve been feeling really unmotivated and have just gone back to work. i promise i’ll try to get out some new fics/requests soon

the signs had been there all along— pale skin, matching the scattered white powder, thunder storms hiding behind his once bright eyes, sunken skin and shortened temper.

she had tried to ignore them at first, hoping a blind eye would force them away but it only made things worse.

images of him bent over a table, a single finger pressing his left nostril closed as he inhaled his killer, haunted her.

she saw them each time she closed her eyes or stared at her own reflection too long. and again when she tried to admire her boyfriend.

he’d never purposefully hurt her, not even with the drug infecting his body. but she couldn't stand to watch him kill himself any longer.

despite all the love she felt for him, and the love she knew he held for her, she had to leave, if not for herself than for the hope that this would be the boy's motivation to save himself before it were too late.

"i can't love you if you refuse to love yourself." she cried, hands gripping the dock’s railing as she tried to gather strength. she kept her back to him, not yet ready to see the consequences of their actions.

his sobs reverberated off the calm waters, echoing through the otherwise still area. “i don't need to love myself," he pleaded, hands itching to touch the girl— to know if she were real or just another symptom of his disease. “i love you enough that i don't need to."

"you love me enough that i don't need to." he whispered.

the words were spoken as a statement, and any by stander would take them as such. but she knew better than that.

he was asking— begging, for reassurance. something to prove his worst fears wrong.

but she could no longer do that, because while he still believed her to be his guider, she knew she'd already failed. “no, Rafe.” she stated simply, finally turning to look into his eyes.

for the first time in months they weren't red from his addiction, but, instead, from the salty liquid burning his eyes.

his lips, the ones she once couldn't stop staring at, were chapped and bleeding from his teeth nervously scrapping them.

the hands that had treated her body with nothing but kindness and worship, gently caressing her skin, now fidgeted by his sides, straining his joints as he stretched his fingers and clenched his knuckles, repeating over and over like a pre-rehearsed dance.

stepping closer to the body she used to call home, the girl couldn't help her smile as she recalled their before moments. "i’ll always love you, that much we both know,” she started, small hand reaching to brush the hair from his face. “but my love cannot replace your own."

pressing her lips to the boy's cheek, she said her final farewell, "you need to find yourself and you can't do that with me standing in the way."

stepping back, she looked out at the water surrounding them before returning her sight to him. "so find yourself, Rafe. and then, if you can still feel me in your heart, find me.”

[ennard-is-near]

Bite of ‘83 placement

I think it has to come first. I think people sometimes put Charlie’s death or Elizabeth’s death first in the timeline, and I respect most FNaF takes, so it’s fine if you want to do that. But personally for me it has to come first, and in this essay style post I will explain why. Everything is completely subjective to me, I will say “I think…” a lot and just know that that’s a more of a “In my version of FNaF” than a “In the only version of FNaF”. Also I call Crying Child Evan, mostly for simplicity’s sake. Cool? Alright, let’s go.

First off, I know why people sometimes put Elizabeth’s first. If Evan is scared shitless of the animatronics, it might be because he either saw what happened to her or William is trying to make him afraid of them. However, he’s a little kid, and kids tend to be scared of stuff like that. (My little sister is scared shitless of Chuck E. Cheese and there is no reason for that.) Also the SL cameras in his room but I don’t know if that’s enough evidence for placing his death after hers. Honestly, I don’t know why people put Charlie’s first, maybe it’s because she had that weird “life giving” thing in the second (???) game’s mini games and so Evan wouldn’t have been able to poses Fredbear without her. Or maybe it’s book related, honestly not sure.

From here, I will break this up into a few categories. Broadly, it will be why it has to be first for William’s character and why it has to be first for Michael’s character. Let’s start with uhhhh…

Michael’s character

A couple small things first: I don’t think he meant to do that, obviously. I just think he’s stupid (like really stupid) and didn’t think about his actions having consequences. I don’t think he planned the prank or whatever, I’ve seen a couple people depict it as something he thought about doing beforehand and I don’t think so, I think it was probably a random idea he had two seconds before he did it. I also don’t think he was doing in for William’s approval, not consciously at least. As an older sibling myself, I can confidently say that it’s fun to be a dick to your younger siblings sometimes, especially when they cry about it. His motivation was probably “hahaha this is fun.” Also, I think that it was entirely his fault. He suggested it and Fredbear was a performing animatronic on stage that he was old enough (maybe like 12-14) to know was dangerous. There was no tampering or unusual springlock failure that “shouldn’t have happened” or “shouldn’t have had enough force to do that.” IMO that was exactly what was going to happen and he should have known better. What did he think was going to happen?

My points (In no particular order)

I think Michael and Elizabeth exist in the same house after the bite of ‘83. She says “I know it was an accident” (which is a line I am insane about) in the SL secret night and I don’t think she would say that if she hadn’t been around during and after the incident. Also I just think they should. Imagineeeeeee the dynamic.

That is NOT the behavior of someone who has even considered that his siblings could die. Like if he’s already down a little sister and he doesn’t want his little brother to die, why the fuck is he doing that? If the thought even crossed his mind that Evan was capable of dying then he would not have been putting him up by that thing’s mouth.

And as a continuation of that…That is NOT the behavior of someone who has already lost a sibling to animatronics?!?!?! Even if he didn’t know how exactly Elizabeth died he has to know she went missing to something relating to Circus Baby’s Pizza Word. If tragedy already struck at a Pizzeria why would he be doing that. I know he’s stupid but he cannot be that stupid.

This is a good inciting incident for him. Like if this is the first bad thing that happens to this guy, that is way cool. He has never experienced loss ever and now he’s completely cooked and will have to spend his entire life insane (sorry I don’t make the rules.)

Isn’t it more fun when there’s a horrible guilt about Michael causing all of this? Like he can tell himself that it’s all his fault that his father lost his marbles? He can say that if he hadn’t done that none of what followed would have happened to him or anyone else.

And…isn’t it more fun when he’s sort of right? Isn’t it more fun when our protagonist, if in the smallest way possible, kicked the chain of dominoes that lead to everything that happened in FNaF. Not his fault that his father goes/is insane, obviously, but the things that happen wouldn’t have if he hadn’t done that. It’s so fun if we follow a guy indirectly responsible for everything that went down who is desperate to make up for it.

William’s character

This gets a little more complicated, but for me he was a pretty solid father before the bite of ‘83. Not perfect, but imagine a dad. That’s him. He’s obviously got the capacity for murder but he wouldn’t do something like that unless pushed. Y’know? He’s like the amount of crazy that most people are.

But I only have one point, really.

It makes him more interesting.

It makes his promise more meaningful. If everything William Afton does in pursuit of “putting [his son] back together.” It’s so much more impactful and reasonable if he’s killing with a goal.

If he isn’t a grieving father, why would be killing people? Seriously? Why would he have Circus Baby? Why would he kill Charlie? Felt silly? That’s stupid.

Also a good inciting incident for him. Having your own son killed by one of your animatronics (and your other son) could probably make a guy lose it. The bite of ‘83 is a good tragedy to prompt a spiral to madness. To the need to make other people feel how you feel, feel how it feels to lose a child. (And at the same time discover the way to bring them all back)

It just is more interesting (to me personally) when he’s not entirely evil, but is a broken and grieving man who sort of gets lost in the sauce on his way to bringing his son back from the dead.

Final thoughts?

It just makes more sense (to me) and is more fun (for me). That’s all.