#i cannot WAIT to edit this monstrosity into something fit for human eyes

[enchanted-blade]

Guys. My dudes. My fellow knights and squires. I have somehow made it through the arduous endless middle section of my fic???? And now I'm at the point where everything from here on out is like... vividly imagined & fun & just needs to be written???

[mastrechef]

Drunk Card Games

Because I obviously have nothing better to do, my brain spawned this monstrosity. More or less a partial transcript of the New Year’s party I went to, but fused with FFXV. Warning: this is complete crack and utterly ridiculous. Read if you dare.

This first section involves the card game The Great Dalmuti. It’s become something of a tradition for my family and our family friends (who are basically just my extended family) to play this and Cards Against Humanity every New Year’s. I don’t really feel like explaining the game, so look it up if you’re interested. I tried to match people to the FFXV character that best fit them. Minimal editing only where I couldn’t remember exactly what someone said.

The Great Dalmuti: Movie Quote Edition

As the Great Dalmuti, Nyx declares that everyone must say a movie quote before they can play any cards. He begins the round.

NYX: Taxation is complete. Excuse me while I whip this out. Two twelves.

CLARUS: The Great Dalmuti has played two twelves! Oh wait, we’re not doing that.

NYX: No, we’re not doing the announcing.

REGIS: Look at me I’m Sandra Dee, lousy with virginity.

CLARUS and NYX break into cackles.

CROWE: And I’ll pass on that.

PELNA: What is it?

REGIS: Two elevens.

AXIS (softly): Two sevens.

NYX (expectantly): And? And? Gotta get a movie quote.

REGIS: Go Deadpool.

MONICA: He sees a movie every week. What’s your favorite movie?

Put on the spot, AXIS clams up. Everyone stage whispers suggestions.

AXIS (settling on a suggested quote): You'll shoot your eye out, kid.

Cheers break out.

REGIS: Christmas Story, that’s a good one.

PELNA: Pass.

NYX: Uh, I didn’t hear a movie quote.

CROWE: He didn’t play.

NYX (laughing): Ohhh! I think I want to hear one anyway! Every time you pass.

He breaks off into loud cackling again. The others join in.

NYX: Just for you.

PELNA: Tell me about it, stud.

More laughter.

IGNIS: We’ll have a magnificent garden party and you’re not invited.

NYX (dramatically placing his hand over his heart): Ouch! I felt that one.

MONICA: That’s a pass.

CLARUS: Sixes? Who has sixes?

CROWE (pointing out helpfully): Ignis does.

NYX: Pass.

Everyone around the circle passes.

CLARUS (for no particular reason): Badges? We don’t need no stinking badges.

People talk over each other as they all get distracted and break off into separate conversations. The new round goes to IGNIS. He pauses a moment in consideration, then begins chuckling to himself.

IGNIS: Tomatoes, sausages, nice crispy bacon.

NYX (through incredulous laughter): What is this movie? I don’t know this one.

IGNIS: That’s from Fellowship of the Ring.

PROMPTO (off to the side recording this for posterity): Yeah! It’s one of our favorites!

NYX: Oh. Really?

CLARUS (nodding knowingly): Hobbits.

IGNIS: At the watchtower, remember? Before Frodo gets stabbed.

NYX: Oh, ok.

CLARUS (off in his own conversation with REGIS): It’s full of stars. (emphatically) That’s a classic!

The game continues.

NYX: Pass.

NOCTIS: Pass.

REGIS (incorrectly quoting): Nice to meet you Miss Uumellmahaye.

NYX cracks up.

REGIS: Man With Two Brains, remember?

Everyone around the circle passes again.

MONICA: I don’t even need a movie quote. I don’t get to play.

CROWE: That’s what I was thinking.

REGIS: I’ve been saving… No, that’s my endgame. (pauses)

CROWE (grumbling): See, I can forget the end point.

REGIS: My end quote’s going to make Clarus laugh. This one is… I’m karate man! I bleed on the inside! Nine.

CROWE: Eight. I’ll be back.

AXIS: Pass.

PELNA: Six. There’s only one guy for me and you are not it.

Uproarious laughter, particularly from CROWE.

NYX: Why do I feel like all these quotes are directed at me?

IGNIS: I tried to start a revolution, but didn’t print enough pamphlets.

More laughter.

REGIS (in falsetto): We’re free!

NYX (affecting a feminine tone): Keep your filthy paws off my silky drawers. One.

REGIS: Oh, somebody wants to play.

NYX: I do wanna play. Uh… three eights.

NOCTIS: You’re not just wrong, you’re stupid.

REGIS cheers as everyone howls with laughter.

REGIS: Three fours!

CROWE (gleeful): That was so appropriate! That was perfect!

IGNIS: I think everyone passes on the three fours.

CROWE (to NOCTIS): Alright, darling.

NOCTIS (placing a card): And my axe.

REGIS: Pi. Ka. Chuuuu!

Random Highlights

-IGNIS: Time to die, obviously.

-CROWE: Glass? Who gives a shit about glass!?

-CLARUS: I’m sorry David, I cannot do--

MONICA: Wait, wait. (scans cards) ...pass.

Gales of laughter.

NYX: She does that to me all the time.

-CLARUS: Somebody get a shitload of nickels!

-CROWE (drawn out): As you wish!

-CROWE: Oh good god, you’re doing it again.

-AXIS: Do you know the muffin man?

REGIS (in a shrill voice): The muffin man!

NYX (also in a shrill voice): No not the gumdrop buttons! 

-IGNIS: I can play, I’m just thinking of a quote.

CLARUS: You’ve got the whole darn movie memorized.

IGNIS: I’m trying not to repeat movies.

CLARUS: Then go to the Two Towers.

CLARUS and REGIS bounce around Lord of the Rings quotes (Fool of a Took!, Po.Ta.Toes, They have a cave troll).

IGNIS: The salted pork is particularly good.

-CLARUS: I know what he has. My problem is--

NYX: What do you mean you know what I have!?

CLARUS: I GAVE IT TO YOU!

NYX: Oh! You remember that shit?

CLARUS: Of course! They were my best cards!

-NOCTIS: Help, I’ve been impaled.

-CLARUS: I knew it. Sharks.

REGIS: Ohhh, nice.

CLARUS: I’m out! I don’t think he actually said that in the movie, but, you know. I’m NOT closing the beach! This is not a boating accident. He did say that in the movie.

REGIS: Yes.

CLARUS:You and I quote a lot of things from that movie that weren’t in that movie.

-REGIS: (unintelligible gurgling) Five.

NYX: Was that from--

REGIS: Chewbacca!

CROWE: That was every Chewbacca line.

-PELNA: I’m serious and don’t call me Shirley.

-IGNIS: Laugh it up, fuzzball.

Bonus: Song Lyric Edition

-NOCTIS: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there's vomit on his sweater already, mom's spaghetti.

REGIS (confused): Mom’s spaghetti? What kind of song is that?

IGNIS (pushing his glasses up): I believe it is one of the early works of the rapper Eminem.

-Someone starts singing Conjunction Junction. Everyone but NOCTIS and PROMPTO join in.

EVERYONE: Conjunction junction, what’s your function? Hookin’ up words, and phrases and clauses.

REGIS (chuckling): Noctis wouldn’t know this one.

-REGIS (singing): I’m just a sweet transvestite~

IGNIS joins in enthusiastically.

Cards Against Humanity

-Literally every time Noctis reads something the slightest bit dirty

REGIS (mock glaring): Who made my son say that!?

-CROWE: (reading cards unintelligibly while laughing)

NYX: Wait, wait. Can you read that again? I don’t think I heard it the first time.

CROWE (somewhat composed until breaking into giggles again): When all else fails, I can always masturbate to slowly easing down on a cucumber.

-CROWE: Live like you’re a dance move that’s just sex. Live like you’re my boyfriend’s stupid penis.

Profuse giggling.

NYX (referring back to an earlier conversation about wifely duties): Oh, really. Does he help with the house work?

CROWE: Oh, my goodness, none of these are good, they all suck.

CLARUS: No they don’t, mine’s great! 

REGIS: But obvio--

CLARUS: Mine is awesome!

REGIS: --usly mine’s the best. Obviously mine is the best. Out of all of the ones that suck--

CLARUS: Only mine made sense.

REGIS: --mine sucked the least.

CROWE mumbles a bit to herself.

CROWE (declaring): A dance move that’s just sex.

NYX (excited): That’s me! How is that possible?

REGIS: How could overthrowing the government of Niflheim not be your answer?

CLARUS (disgruntled): Boyfriend’s stupid penis.

-IGNIS: Okay, I’m going to read the card now. (clears throat) In the distant future, historians will agree that the thin veneer of situational (stumbles) causality that underlies porn marked the beginning of Lucis’ decline.

NYX: That’s…

REGIS: That’s a big card.

CLARUS (referencing an earlier joke): Hey, the pizza guy’s here!

CROWE: Wow, that’s a lot of words.

CLARUS: But it’s funny.

REGIS: Yeah, it is.

IGNIS: In the distant future, historians will agree that Judge Judy marked the beginning of Lucis’ decline. Well I guess Lucis declined a long time ago.

CROWE: Judge Judy’s been around a looong time.

IGNIS: In the distant future, historians will agree that eating an albino marked the beginning of Lucis’ decline.

MONICA: In Niflheim, they think they’re magical. They take off pieces of them. They have to hide their albino children or people will like, amputate their arms and legs and stuff.

REGIS: Wow.

NYX (surprised): I was not aware of that.

REGIS: Monica’s been reading a lot of National Geographic lately.

NYX: Turn off Youtube on Monica.

A lot of talking over each other.

NYX: If I were an albino, would you eat me?

IGNIS: I really like this one.

Everybody shushes each other.

IGNIS: In the distant future, historians will agree that switching to Geico marked the beginning of Lucis’ decline.

Explosive laughter.

NYX: That is good. That is good.

CROWE (laughing uncontrollably): Switching to Geico, is that what you said?

IGNIS (confirming): Switching to Geico.

NYX: Switching to Geico. Yes that’s great.

IGNIS: We started declining a long time ago, then.

NYX: It all started with a switch to Geico.

REGIS (out of nowhere): Aflack!

IGNIS: In the distant future, historians will agree that daddy’s belt marked the beginning of Lucis’ decline.

CLARUS: No, no, we go back even further.

REGIS and CLARUS randomly break out into song. NYX joins in. CROWE admonishes them.

NYX: I’m sorry, we’re distracting.

IGNIS: In the distant future, historians will agree that my worthless son marked the beginning of Lucis’ decline.

NYX: Oh, ouch.

IGNIS: In the future, historians will agree that vigorous jazz hands--

Everyone throws out their hands.

CROWE: Jazz hands!

NYX: Jazz hands!

IGNIS (snickering): --marked the beginning of Lucis’ decline.

REGIS (contemplating): It could be.

MONICA: Like this.

CROWE (softer): Jazz hands!

REGIS: It’s like a fast royal wave.

IGNIS: Like Jack from uh… like Will and Grace. (throws out hands) Jazz hands.

MONICA: But you’ve gotta wave ‘em. (demonstrates)

IGNIS: In the distant future, historians will agree that the power of the dark side marked the beginning of Lucis’ decline.

Everyone groans.

IGNIS: I mean, if they watch this most recent movie then maybeee…

NYX (laughing): Oh, the most recent movie.

IGNIS: Then maybe.

REGIS (in the background): Suffer, suffer, suffer, the dark side.

IGNIS: In the distant future, historians will agree that getting hilariously gangbanged by the Blue Man Group will mark the beginning of Lucis’ de-decline.

CROWE: You can’t even read it.

IGNIS: No, it’s switching to Geico.

CROWE (triumphantly): Mine!

CLARUS: Noooo!