#i can't let myself get suicidal. idk why but i just can't

[sinnettini]

successfully worried my mum as well despite trying not to. lmao. lmfao even

[burningcomputerpersona]

hey does anyone else feel like an open wound trying desperately not to leak blood and rot all over the place or is that just me

[nyancrimew]

fucked up sorta intoxicated long vent

cw: uuh mental health, drugs, suicide mentions, very much is just an existential crisis put into post form

this is not a suicide note or anything, im about to go cuddle up with my wife and go to sleep i just had to get my fucked up thoughts out, i might delete this tomorrow

meaning

it's so hard to find meaning in life anymore. i live for those around me, for those i love, those who love me back. yet i keep hurting them, everything keeps falling apart. i live out of spite, i cant let authority win. yet im slowly giving up my cause. i live to prove a point. ive long forgotten what point it even is anymore.

there hasnt really been any new compelling reason to keep going in over 10 years now. i honestly wonder how much it even really takes anymore to drive me to suicide. it can't be that much, im already always living on edge.

i just barely know who i even am anymore, ive largely forgotten the first 20 years of my life, and the last 3 are mostly just fog as well. forced to live in the moment, carrying all the baggage of all the previous moments i dont even have memories of anymore.

how are people just like able to keep living, regularly finding joy. how are people able to deal with bad times without immediately pondering all the ways in which they could kill themselves in?

god i need therapy so fucking bad. i keep dragging down everyone around me. how can i fix all the damage ive done, a sorry won't do. how can i fix all the damage done to me, no sorry will ever do.

why are the only options to just keep going, ignoring all the pain, or ending it all forever. where is the restart button, where can i reset, rewind, apply what ive learned to the situations where i fucked up. how do i go back and undo all the trauma. the trauma i experienced myself and the trauma i put on others.

we're all just lost children in a world not made for us. where is our world. where is the place in which we can find solace. your arms make me feel safe, and at home. but i know you feel the same way i do.

it pains me to know we're in this together, god if only i could bear your pain, if only i could bear everyone elses pain. it hurts me to know you feel this way too. no one should have to know how this feels. i wanna take on all the pain in this world so i can leave and turn the world around.

am i just failing at being a part of this society or is society failing me. i am like one bureaucratic fuck up away from dying alone on the street with no roof over my head. i cannot be self dependent, why does this society fully expect such a thing of me.

is this all worth it for the few moments of bliss, for sparing the people around me from the pain of losing me. would the pain of losing me be greater than the pain i cause every day?

i am lost. i dont know anymore. fuck i need therapy. or just anything that can fix me. the drugs certainly haven't yet, but at least i also have dependency to fight with now i guess.

yea fuck man idk

[litnerdwrites]

Azriel in Silver Flames

I've basically hated the IC since... Acowar, honestly. But the more I think about it, the more conflicted I am about Azriel. I liked him in every book, but in retrospect, I'm not so sure anymore. This is mostly regarding his treatment of Nesta, since he honestly didn't do much before hand the start of Silver Flames, and he didn't do too much during it either.

I understand why Azriel would stay away from Nesta from the end of ACOWAR to the start of Silver Flames. He's observant, and I imagine he's figured out that Nesta doesn't want to spend time with the IC. Moreover, he may also see it as being in Feyre's jurisdiction, and wanting to stay out of it out of respect for her privacy and what not. It's his behaviour through out silver flames that has me conflicted.

Azriel was raised in confinement with limited interactions with other people. He saw his mother once a week, for limited time and suffered physical and verbal abuse, and torture during that time. He had no control over his schedule, food, social interactions, nothing. Yet, despite that, he allowed Nesta to be isolated and kept on a strict schedule and diet that she has no say in, and we never see any signs of him arguing against it. Especially since he knows being locked up somewhere against your will, where you can't leave, often made to do things you don't want, is what most of the IC's trauma roots from (Amren in the Prison, Rhys UTM, Feyre UTM, Mor in the CON, Azriel in his father's dungeon, etc). Why the, seemingly, most sensible person allowed this is beyond me.

Azriel, through out the book, never protests against this treatment either. He treats Nesta decently, though that is the absolute minimum. She should've been treated like that, regardless, of where she was or what she was doing.

He despises Illyria, knows the dangers out there, from both males and whatever's in those forests, yet he doesn't protest against Nesta going. We've seen that there are days where she wanders around on her own (like when she went to Emerie's), without protection. What would happen if she jumped off a cliff or a steep bluff? Or if she went into the forests? What about if some of the males attacked her? It's not like she was constantly supervised. trusting her witch status will keep them away is too risky, since some might not care. Azriel knows the dangers of Illyria, and he let her be taken there. He saw how Illyria hurt his mother, and how she was treated, first hand.

He doesn't do anything even after suspecting that Cassian pushed her down the stairs, or witnessing her being verbally abused by Cassian, and Rhys when he cares to show up. He doesn't defend her, or shut his brothers down, he just lets it happen, seemingly unbothered. Idk about you, but if I was at dinner, and my brother said to his girlfriend, the things that Cassian says to Nesta, I'd drag him out the front door by the hair myself.

Azriel also had a bag packed for Nesta and Cassian's hike from hell, waiting for Cassian to come get it. He let Cassian take Nesta somewhere else against her will. He, presumably, knew about the plan to take her on that hike, helped prepare for it, and just let it happen without a care. He knew where they were taking her, and what they were going to make her do, and he let it happen.

Then there's the issue regarding the Trove. Azriel pushes for Nesta's right to know about what her powers can do, yet he doesn't have any issue pushing her into life threatening situation to keep Elain from it? He says that Elain shouldn't be exposed to whatever darkness the trove and cauldron possess, but that alone implies that Nesta should be exposed to it, and that's despite her mental condition at the time.

While I don't think Azriel's status as a spymaster means he should know things like Nesta's fear of fire, and her suicidal ideation, but it does mean that there's a very good chance that he does (and yet he still sends her on that hike). Knowing this, Azriel implies that Nesta should go on these life threatening missions, where she could be killed, or commit suicide, or be taken.

Azriel is shown to stand up to/argue with Rhysand in the bonus chapters. He does so for himself and arguably Elain. Why doesn't he do it for Nesta too?

It's all of these little things that leave a bitter taste in my mouth regarding Azriel.

Would he have tried to beg/force Nesta to go instead of Elain had she refused, or if he would've stood up for Nesta if Cassian had become physically violent with her. If she refused to go on that hike, would he have fought for her right to chose like he did before? If Rhys tried to kill her, would he stand up to him for her? If Elain is mistreated in her book, would he stand up for her? If so, why not Nesta too? How can he call himself her friend if he doesn't at least try to talk about how wrong it is, assuming he even realises it's wrong to start with.

We haven't gotten much of his pov yet, and he doesn't really say much, but from what I have seen, I'm concerned. Azriel may not be actively trying to hurt Nesta, but it feels like he enables his brothers and his court too much.

Didn't Tamlin dod the same, along with his court, who watched Feyre whither away, and did nothing. Even if they didn't see what was happening in her head, they saw her wasting away from lack of sleep or food. Isn't Azriel doing the same to Nesta by letting her be treated that way? Reaming neutral still makes him part of the problem, doesn't it?

Am I the only one who gets this bad taste in my mouth when I think about this?

[chenkari]

Haven't made a personal post in a long time. I don't use tumblr like I used to, haha. I've been using it a little more lately though.

Bitchin' under the cut. Tw for depression, suicide, whatever.

I'm at a really low point in my life right now. We moved homes and it's been very hard on me. I lived in my old house for 24 years (since i was 5) and it's just very difficult for me to let go. I cry like every night about it, I miss my old house so bad. I'm thankful that I have a place to live and everything but it's just. So fucking hard. I know it'll get better with time but right now is so difficult. Thankfully we're still in the same state, initially my parents wanted to move out of state, so that's a plus. But regardless, we moved further away from my friends and work. My old commute to work was about 10 minutes, now it's 35-45. I hate my job, so having to drive further is like. So fucking annoying. Right now I'm off work on a medical leave, thankfully. I don't think I'd be able to function. I'm farther away from my best friend and while it isn't unmanageable, it's just.... idk frustrating. We've lived close together our whole lives.

I feel so isolated out here, it's further from the cities, there isn't a lot out here. I went on doordash and there were only 3 restaurants and a gift shop lmao. (major gripe: there is no target. im going to KILL MYSELF.)

I contemplated killing myself a lot. I'm so unhappy. I thought about doing it before we left the house. Like, so in a way so I wouldn't have to go. But I'm still alive. I still think about killing myself like every day though, especially at night. I think at night I become more emotional and shit. I'm alone with my thoughts in bed I guess, so I just think about it. I feel like this might be the most suicidal I've ever been in my life, and I've been trying to manage it but i'm struggling. I feel like I'm not even living. I'm just like. Surviving.

Something that has been really hard is like, my dad doesn't give a fuck. I can't be upset about moving in front of him cause he's like, oh my gooood, just get over iiiit. And like, I'm trying. But I'm allowed to be sad and miss my home too. Idk i want to be comforted by my family I guess. He's also just been more mean to me in general and idk why. Like I'll ask something totally... Normal. And he gets all pissed. Like I asked if he could pick up ramen noodles when he went to the store, and he got all pissed off. Like damn, sorry. And the thing is, I don't ask for much. I usually just ask my parents for like. A food item. I did ask recently for one of those mirror cabinets cause the new bathroom here does not have a lot of space. I asked about it again cause he never replied to my text and he yelled at me about that. Like, you can just say no. I just ended up buying it myself. Idk, i just wish he would say no instead of launching into yelling at me about it.

Idk I've just been so depressed lately, I can't bring myself to do anything productive. I just lay in bed. Even things I enjoy. I don't feel like playing games, I don't feel like talking to my friends, I don't feel like drawing. I just lay there doom scrolling on twitter. I've been a little better lately, I've been able to get out of bed and get on the computer for a bit. But still I have days where I just lay there.

I don't think i mentioned it on tumblr, but I'm a streamer now, (cringe ass vtuber. very small, not a big deal.) and while I normally like streaming, I can't bring myself to get back into my routine. My streams don't do so well too, so it's a bit disheartening. I'm not the most entertaining, it's my fault. Idk I'm just not very good at chatting about things going on cause I don't really have a lot going on. It's easier when people come watch and talk with me, but I can't expect that of people. I have to be better.

I'm scared about returning to work. I feel like I can't take it anymore. I hate my job so much, it's so fucking much. It's non stop work, no downtime, everything is always broken, and we don't have any appointments for people. (I make dr appointments for my job) All the appointments are like at least a week out and everyone is like "what the fuck" and I can't do shit about it. It's so stressful and idk. I don't want to go back. I've been looking for new jobs but I'm not having a lot of luck.

Tbh though I'm kinda in a tough financial situation right now so if anyone feels up to it, my paypal is https://www.paypal.com/paypalme/chenkari, I could use gas/grocery money. I would appreciate it.

I had to take Venus to the vet, she had an aural hematoma. They drained it, but her ear swelled up again. It is slowly going down now. I wonder how long until she'll be all better. I hope it isn't hurting her anymore. The cats have been good about the move. Sometimes Venus hides though and I can't find her anywhere :C I don't know where her hiding spot is wehh.

Anyways. Guess I just wanted to talk about what I was up to these days. Get it off my chest. Later.

[chnt-confessions]

i think i'm the only person in the entire fandom that has any genuine empathy for elijah, and i'm stuck thinking there's something deeply wrong with me for that. i feel like quite a lot of people split black on him (and joshua) and then split white on jedidiah, and sydney. the ONLY two options are to dehumanize or objectify him. no hate to jedidiah-likers, but jedidiah is not a victim. he doesn't act entirely the way he does because of trauma, he acts that way because he implicitly looks down on sydney. what kind of man jeopardizes the entire world for a man that he let gravely sick in the first place, only to gaslight and neglect him?? all this because of mommy and daddy issues that, like, 70% of the population has?? i had to headcanon extra issues and trauma for him to just to keep myself sane. i don't mean to invalidate his trauma, but he has lived such a privileged life and can easily go to therapy and yet. i'm sorry but it's bojack-horseman levels of "how tf do you expect me to feel bad for you? lmao." like, i need him to get better because people will likely die if he gets any worse, but other than i couldn't care less about this guy. i'm way more sympathetic to sydney because he's trying his best but he seems to have an empathy deficiency of some kind (it's not his fault but it is painfully obvious sometimes and i wish i could fix him but i have to fix myself first because i also deal with this); i also relate to the "feeling unlovable" aspect of things.

we have only seen elijah at his worst. the elephant man is elijah "mental breakdown, 2 years and counting psychotic episode" core; did everyone just assume he was born like that? and if he was, that would also make me sad tbh. he had a similar upbringing to jedidiah and yet he does not show it at all and i'm wondering what tf was different. he also generally sucks at being a villain sometimes (i.e. telling sydney his weakness, letting sydney go back to jedidiah, reacting way better than most people would when sydney told him that he couldn't get the journals). when jedidiah says "sydney, you're always fine." vs when elijah says it; jedidiah said it to gaslight sydney and because he feels bitter about the fact he's working so hard to keep sydney alive and can't use it to manipulate him (i'm joking but i'm also not joking), while elijah was just being a little acolyte and also he's symbolically the earth, so when he says the earth will catch him when he falls, he is fr. idk what snapped in him with the murder-suicide thing but considering that he is the earth, and unfortunately due to sydney's weird little mind and jedidiah's horribleness, the earth is, like, post-apocalyptic now so it probably has something to do with that (idk why he switched from stabbing to burning alive; probably cuz of the theatrics/j). anyway, he does suck and he needs to go back to russia and never come back for everyone's good, but i really do think he would be better than jedidiah could ever be (yes, even with therapy; i'm literally speaking facts/hj) if "everyday [wasn't] a living fucking nightmare." and i'm constantly like "._." whenever i remember that jedidiah is the reason "everyday is a living fucking nightmare." also i really wanna see someone do elijah/the elephant man analysis/interpretation that doesn't reek of disgust and hatred (or lust; do whatever you want, but i'm judging you rn), just for variety tbh. here is his official playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/389N5sUULTXFC63I3CSn7c?si=756dacaa18cd491c some of the songs in here are, like, "???" and i want to see someone's else's take on them (even elijah haters tbh) sorry for the essay, that's all i wanted to say :)

also im so happy that i can say this anonymously, thank you chnt-confessions for doing god's work, i love you platonically <3

(ABOUT THE LAST PART) no need to apologize and I'm really glad to make you happy!!

[mayhems-cannon]

update

posting it here instead of bluesky cause i don't know how much people can handle my bullshit act there anymore+idk maybe it might be useful to understand the context of things idfk (tw graphic talks of suicidality, self harm, as well as medication talk (SSRIs, hormonal meds))

recently started going back to school again and i find myself constantly exhausted again, no matter the amount or quality of sleep. i'll wake up, go to school, and have my head hurt so much it'll force me to slep for an hour before exiting like a thief. i don't even want to try drinking coffee or energy drinks or anything anymore, it all knocks me down even more. hell, it feels i can't even eat much either before i start falling asleep again. my sleep schedule is completely fucked because of that, no matter how much i want to wake up and go to school and actually learn what i genuinely care about. my body won't let me, and i don't even want to treat it gently anymore.

i've emailed my obgyn about half the treatment i take, which is given out by her to solve my thyroid issues, and i'll try to get back to her again, but there's something genuinely soul shattering about meds not working on you yet having everyone who says they love you make you take them cause they won't listen to you but only to the doctor. it doesn't matter what i feel until the doctors say it, all that.

i've been considering self harm almost daily at this point, just the whole "going all out, going to town" on it just because everything feels more and more pointless. i want to go to school, i want to go to the museums downtown cause they have stuff i want to study, but my body won't let me. i want to startdrawing and painting outside, in museums, paint and draw the most random things i find cool but my body keeps telling me it's too cold, again and again, never letting me go anywhere when i really want it. what's the point of any meds if i still can't do what i genuçinely want? are those scars not proof enough they aren't working? should i go deeper, do more, so much more of them, or will that be considered too dangerous? (because it is.)

i've been asking myself a lot why should i keep living, a sort of passive suicidality, a weird "i wouldn't be scared if i didn't wake up" evolving slowly into a "maybe i should take all those things i shouldn't and not wake up". i see someone telling me they like what i do, they enjoy my works, they see themselves in them or anything of the sort and i'm like, i'm so glad you do! but i still can't feel any love from anyone, no one online, no one irl, just understanding the logical course of "i know people love me, i know people love my work, i just cannot feel it and might never have have felt it, not even from my parents". it's really ungrateful of me, and it's certainly superficial of me to chase that love through engagement but i don't ven know what to do anymore to dea with it. self harm only works to numb the inside pain enough times before you start worrying about what your mom says. meds barely work anymore and changing them would mean going to school even less.

i try to cope with things, i try to draw gay shit, play games, draw that sreies with Gabriel, but the more time passes the weaker i keep getting, and i can't even explain why, i can't even fight it most of the time, i just keep telling myself "i can't handle it anymore, i can"t handle anything anymore" again and again until i end up actually harming myself and going to bed hoping i'll wake up feeling better.

even creation is an act made in fear, because i fear everyone actually fucking hates what i do, which i am extremely aware is nonsensical with what i stated previously, but i guess psychoses and delusions won't let themselves be defeated by what i had been looking for after years of emotional abuse. it's a constant fear of "everyone will fucking hate everything i do, and especially the creators of whatever i'm making fanworks of. they will fucking despise me and everything i am and ever make of their creation.", it's been here for as long as i can remember and i guess it's here to stay. i'm doing my best to drill beyond it, go past that fear and imagine i'll still be okay no matter what but it's all just undone i two seconds, again and again. of course people fucking hate what i do with John and Mike, and of course no one cares about it, and of course no one cares about anything else i might do, and that's the best ending, somehow.

it's all just serious nonsense, things that just don't go together in any way and might never will because the pieces never fit together to begin with. if anything i hope this is a nice view into what psychosis and delusion apparently look like instead of people calling themselves "delulu" over impulsive thoughts of dyeing their hair blue or something.

apologies for the wall of text and just general miserabilism lately, from here and especially bluesky. i'm trying to see the positives but it's getting really hard to see anything good anymore.

i hope everyone had a nice beginning of the year and will have a nice 2025 going on forward.

i love you.

[short-black-diamond]

Tehehe hi again!!

Taking a promt from the 300 follower event

(｀ω´)

One bed trope with sahed ・:*(〃∇〃人)*:・

Go crazy?! Lil kissie kiss? Hell, makeout? Go Crazy with it >:3

Also for the reader since you asked for what gender reader, either fem or nb just whatevers easier for you!! :D

(っ˘ ω ˘)っ─∈🍓

NOOOOO DON'T COMMIT SUICIDE MY STRAWBERRY

WHY WOULD YOU LIKE TO GET KILLED WITH THAT FORK

Also I think you just want me to write smut at this point, you pervert, but I can't really blame you...my heads all foggy with thoughts of him doing some stuff to me 😫

Ok I'll do it

Sahed x female reader with the one bed trope

Warnings: smut, fem!dom!reader cuz Sahed is just a silly babygirl and needs sum love, just want him to be a pillow prince, so like---sub!Sahed x dom!fem!reader , 1 % plot, 99 % smut, Sahed tries to be dominant, but folds quickly, also lots of exhibitionism

(I can write him dominating you in another request ; } if I get one, that is )

word count: 2.6 k

---

"You...only you..."

It was very funny. When you made the reservation, they said that there were plenty of bedrooms with more than one bed. You looked at Sahed, who smirked at you seductively as you stood in front of the bed, and Sahed leaned against the doorframe.

"You did this, didn't you?", you asked with a frown and in a scolding tone. Sahed nodded his head excitedly, his eyes lighting up and he put his hands in his pockets. You had the urge to bitch-slap him.

"So...there's only one bed, huh?", he said softly, his deep voice sending vibrations your way. You were slowly blushing when your mind played with the thought of all the possibilities which would occur in the next few minutes.

"S-so what...?"

"I don't know, make the best of it?", he answered with a shrug of his shoulders and jumped on the bed.

"Please take your muddy shoes off before you step into the bed...", you grumbled in dissappointment that he didn't pounce on you before you went into the bathroom to open your hairstyle.

Sahed looked at the bathroom door. He then took off his shirt. 'This is going to be so much fun...!'

After you finally managed to open the bun, your head had a spot which absolutely hurt when you make a weird pony (idk but it sometimes happens to me lol) and you massaged the back of your head with a groan.

When you looked up at the silence, you saw Sahed 'sleeping'. You were flushed. It didn't help that sahed had these nice tattoos to begin with, let alone that all his outfits suited him.

Gosh, he looked like a greek sculpture, where the top of his body was free from any suffocating cotton, letting his skin breathe, one arm slung over his eyes to cover them from the light which was still on, and his trousers suited him well. At least he also took off his boots.

You sighed as you went towards him. You knew the game. He acted like he'd be fast asleep in just ten minutes, when you knew he had insomnia (headcannon of mine) and so, you indulged yourself in a little bit of fun...

"Sahed...hey, Sahed...", you whispered before your hand landed on his knee. You felt a little hitch in his breath, your spider-like powers allowing your senses to be heightened.

You smirked.

"C'mon Sahed...wake up...", you murmured and your hand stroked his thigh, massaging it and groping at the nice flesh. Sahed's chest quickened as it rised.

"C'mon, handsome, I know you're awake...at least lemme see your pretty face, hm?", you asked softly before your hands went up, up, up, touched his groin for a moment -and Sahed gasped sharply through a closed mouth- before it kept going up to his abdomen, his chest, his neck, and then his jaw.

"You think you can keep up the act? We'll see about that.", you spoke firmly, but before you knew it, Sahed sat on top of you.

"What the hell do you think you're doing to me, woman?", he growled as he licked up your neck. You could feel his member poking your thigh.

"I just wanted to please you...have my way with you...indulge myself in a little bit of fun?", you gasped. You'd never grow used to the way Sahed made you feel.

He grunted. "Please me, huh? hm...I'd be pleased if I could make you scream tonight...", he breathed into your ear, and you whimpered. Gosh, you were always embarrassed for having a voice kink, but Sahed loved that.

"B-but the walls are very thin...!", you warned, not wanting to get a noise complaint or having everyone stare at you with knowing looks the next day.

"hm...then you'll just have to try to keep your sweet, sexy voice to yourself, gorgeous.", he chuckled before kissing you feverishly. Your hands tangled themselves in his hair, and you pressed up your thigh to meet the gentle thrusts of his hips. He moaned into your mouth sweetly before stopping and buried his head on your shoulder.

"Why'd you stop, handsome?", you asked, kissing the top of his head.

"..."

"You know that I love evey sound you make, right?", you said reassuringly, and heard a tiny "mmhmm...", from your lover.

Sahed loved using his voice to his advantage, but he didn't really prefer making such...vulnerable sounds, and it always bamboozled him that you encouraged that side of him to be shown more often in the bedroom.

You huffed. "C'mon Sahed, I wanna have my fun with you..", you exclaimed with a grunt as you pushed him off of you.

He sat up. "Sit yourself on the headboard.", and he complied.

His back was faced to the headboard, and the pillows behind him secured him from the hard wood. He took your hands as you sat yourself on his lap.

You started kissing him lightly, his hands holding your waist in a soft grip, and with each kiss, the tension grew again, and your kisses also grew needier.

He kissed you back with twice the vigor you showed him, and he moaned into your kisses. Then, he licked your lips, asking for permission. Once you opened your mouth, it was over.

Sahed got the upper hand. He french-kissed you like there was no tomorrow, one of his hands going up to hold the back of your head in order to not push you away with his passionate pecks, and you moaned deeply at the way he held you and handled you.

His other hand gripped your hip tighter, and you circled it around his groin. He groaned.

"N-not so fast, doll...!", he sighed, and you giggled. "Just wanna please you, that's all...", you murmured as you did it slower, relishing in the feeling of having his hard-on dragged across your pussy and you mewled quietly at the nice feeling.

Outside, you two heard the loud voices of Rainah, Kamille and Julia. They seemed to have a pillow fight while you were about to get your world rocked by Sahed. Lucky you.

A slight whimper escaped Sahed at a particular motion you made, and you smirked at his alarmed, flustered face. "Got'cha."

And, well, you just kept making that movement, closing your eyes as you focused on the feeling of his boner rubbing against your clit and his whines, moans and whimpers against your ear.

"Mhm, just like that, baby...moan for me, handsome,", you panted, and your core throbbed in more want as it grew hotter.

Sahed gulped as he tossed his head back in pleasure. You also took this chance as revenge for what he did to you a few weeks ago.

You licked a thick stripe up his neck, reveling at the shudder he made as you gently bit at his neck. He gasped loudly. His body grew hotter and hotter with each peck, suck and lick you gave his neck.

Sahed moaned once you popped off of his neck, having created a sweet hickey and his breathing got ragged. You sighed contently.

"...are you close, my love?", you asked as you kept up with your ministrations, enjoying Sahed's blissed out face. He nodded dreamily with a dumb "u -uh-huh..!", drool coming down his chin as he felt his orgasm approaching.

You just licked away the drool before your tongue invaded his mouth again, his mushed brain too far gone to think of anything else than him cumming any moment and you, who was just so perfect and nice and sweet and pretty and hot and sexy and everything he's looking in a woman.

It honestly felt like you two were teenagers again, and not some decade or century old people. The sounds Sahed made shouldn't be heard by anyone else, yet here you were, in a dark room which only got lit up by the moon outside with the window wide open, Kamille, Julia and Rainah just next door. It felt like you two shouldn't be doing this. It felt like it was forbidden, like you could get caught any moment, like-

Sahed arched his back, his eyes scrunching shut in pleasure as he whimpered your name as he came. He shuddered, and you hugged him close as you kissed everything of his body you could reach.

"What a good boy you are...cumming so prettily..", you murmured as you kissed the side of his face. Sahed panted, then he leaned back with a blissed out face before he furrowed his brows.

"...It feels weird."

"Cumming in your pants?"

"Yes. Sorry love," Sahed said before lifting you up quickly and putting you down a bit away from him as he stood up and took out his pants.

"Nice ass, baby.", you flirted, and Sahed chuckled with a blush. "Yours looks better."

"That's debatable."

Sahed sighed again as he looked at his pants, which were now in his hands. "...Should I just let them soak in some water?"

You stood up and took his pants. "Relax, baby. I want you to lay in bed, okay?", you spoke before you gave him a lil kiss and went to the bathroom to attend to his trousers.

When you came back, Sahed laid there, sideways, facing you, one hand holding up his hand as the other one rested on his hip. With another erection.

However, what caught your eye the most was the dark red rose he had between his teeth as he wiggled his eyebrows. you giggled at his dorkyness before taking the rose from his lips, kissing them, smelling the rose a bit before putting it into a nearby vase and taking off your clothes as well.

Sahed's eyes widened as his mouth turned upwards in excitement. After you were done, you sat yourself next to him again and kissed him passionately, and he moaned into your lips.

You pushed him again, but instead of his back stumbling against the headboard, his head met the pillows, as he laid there, looking up at you with biting his lip.

You hummed. "mmh, I could just eat you, Sahed...why do you have to look so tasty, huh?", you asked, your hands raking up and down his thighs as you sat between his legs, and he propped himself up with his elbows.

He flushed when you asked him that, but he wanted for you to touch him, jerk him off, suck his cock, or ride him, anything...! He started to breath heavily again, his legs twitching when your thumbs pressed into his inner thighs gently, and he looked up at you with a desperate expression.

"P-please, ____...! please...", he moaned when you smiled at him. You loved that he'd even moan at the sight of you, but you wanted to tease him a little, I mean, it wouldn't harm anybody, right?

"Hm? Please what, my love? C'mon, use your pretty voice."

Sahed groaned in frustration. He knew you'd give everything he'd want, he didn't even have to ask, but it's just...he was very impatient, and talking became such a hassle at the moment, that all he could do was whine as he fell back and closed his eyes when you patted his abdomen, only curtly, briefly touching his angry red tip.

sahed gave up. "Please touch me, ____! Touch my cock, please!", he exclaimed, but you quickly put your hand over his mouth. Everything got silent.

Even the pillow fight stopped. Sahed's eyes widened with a heavy blush as he looked out of the window with an alarmed expression.

"Did you guys hear that?", Julia -you guessed- asked.

"Huh? I think I heard something too...", Kamille spoke. Sahed grunted when you touched him now of all times, your thumb swirling around his dick as you put away your hand from his mouth.

Sahed shook his head in fear when you started moving your hand up and down, your other hand, which was holding his mouth shut now massaging his testicles. He whimpered.

Rainah spoke this time. "Me too...hey, maybe we should go and check out the nearby circus Anthonn told us about! Maybe they have something we don't?", the female Ah'kon asked, earning cheers from Julia and Kamille.

Sahed sighed in relief before he gasped sharply when your mouth gently bit his tip. "n-o..no noo...no, please--d-don't!", Sahed whisper-yelled -he begged desperately- as he tried to take his dick away from your mouth, but you suddenly deep-throated him, and he was gone, falling to his back from his sitting position he had made when he heard the girls next room.

He moaned in delight when your tongue massaged the base of his shaft before raising your head and sucking his dick upwards, making his toes curl as he arched his back cutely again. "Ah...ah, ah..._-____...! ...s...so good...please...d-don't stop...!", he sighed and whimpered as you kept bobbing your head slowly.

You could honestly fall asleep right then and there. Sahed's cock was something you didn't mind having in your mouth. Quite the opposite. You loved having his dick down your throat as you could please him, and he also fit snugly, not bothering anybody. You were basically killing two birds with a stone.

You also felt the cool air on your slick which went down your thighs as you got wet from the noises your mouth made, mixed with Sahed's whimpers and moans, and you were slowly starting to shake. Your clit was throbbing in pain and attention of Sahed's member rubbing itself against it and then the walls within your small vagina, but it'd all have to wait until Sahed would tell Rainah off, who suddenly knocked on the door.

"Hey, Sahed, ____! Would you like to go to the circus with us?", she asked. Rainah didn't know what happened on the other side of the door, and as she was met with silence, she grew curious.

'hm...they can't have fallen asleep in just half an hour...they were very chatty before-?!', she thought as she put her ear on the door and finally heard it.

Faint moans, some sheets rustling -Sahed kicking his legs around in pleasure- and also your squelching noises. Rainah blushed deeply in embarrassment, scolding herself for listening in to you two having an intimate moment.

When the footsteps of Rainah finally retreated, you began to suck harder, and even latched onto his balls as you jerked him off violently. Sahed gripped the sheets tightly, his knuckles turning white as he kept gasping and moaning loudly at the suddenly multiplied amount of pleasure you gave him within the span of a moment.

"_-___! I-I might c-cum! Ah, w-w-wait...ngh...wait! Ah,....ahm...wait, ____, please!!", he cried, tears of pleasure clouding his vision as he held your head close to his pubes, but his words had a different meaning.

It was like his brain was fighting against his body. You found it cute. But, you just kept on pleasing him until he came again.

Sahed groaned this time, as he thrusted his hips upward into your hot and warm mouth, and you gagged a few times, before he spilled his semen down your throat.

You felt his dick softening against your tongue and you swallowed his cum before gently latching off of it. You panted as you looked down on him. He came twice now, and it seemed like he was slowly getting tired. He was breathing for air as you laid down next to him and hugged him close to you.

"how are you? Do you need something?", you whispered softly as you stroked his blonde bangs from his place, kissing his third eye lovingly on its eyelid.

Sahed only blushed as he buried his nose and mouth in your chest, his arms wrapping tightly around your waist as he tried to calm his breathing.

"You...only you..", he said softly and you giggled. "Alright."

...

after some time, you felt him getting hard again as you were about to doze off, and when you looked down at him with a deadpan did he only bury his face deeper into your boobs, while shamelessly humping your thigh.

'Jeez...how much stamina does Sahed have?', you thought before Sahed sat up and started kissing you.

"Mind if we have a third round? And I'll please you this time."

---

Heyyy my dear readers, I hope you liked that, because I am normally jackshit at writing smut. But I hope this was okay!

If you have other requests, or requests with smut or explicit content, just ask away!

Read you guys in the next post!

[ravenkinnie]

have you watched all the episodes yet? what are your thoughts?

I just finished all three episodes and lemme first say. I got netflix again for this premiere and netflix has ads now???? this is bullshit

now some thoughts:

THERE ARE SO MANY STORYLINES I'm being cautiously optimistic but I have no idea how they will tie up everything. also I think the reason there are so many montages and music videos in there is partially because the show went into production too late and they had too much shit to wrap up so we had to figure out cool ways to skip some exposition which. I appreciate when they just say fuck it, deduct it. and if I'm anybody in arcane universe it's actually that thick big titty bitch in bdsm gear in the art at the start of episode 2

everybody is extremely hot, caitlyn obviously, jinx is slaying every shot, ambessa and mel.... I shan't. but also it has to be said, caitlyn has a really hot dad like tobias is a beekeeping age

I'm getting my dues as a caitlyn stan and supporter, I mean I haven't seen the takes yet so she might be already fighting for her life but let me already say I don't give a fuck, I'll be defending her all month. she looks so good, she's eating her lil lines, she's so bitchy - when vi was like I watched them kill my parents do you know how that feels and caitlyn goes yeah I do LIKE SHE GAGGED US BOTH A LIL. the kiss was a massive slay, like absolutely delivered, I have no notes. IM SO EXCITED FOR HER AND AMBESSA TOGETHER if you see me on ao3 in those tags be fucking quiet. like not caitlyn accidentally becoming a dictator because a muscle mommy milf manipulated her, you don't understand she is such a wish fulfilment character for me. also she's slowly giving more and more princess bubblegum the more her villain arc starts

idk why piltover has the worst security than any other place, anybody could blow up piltover. WHEN THAT GUY TACKLED MELS ASSASSIN AFTER HE ALREADY TOOK THE SHOT SJSJJSJSK

vis action scenes eat so hard I know many annoying men will main her because for some reason gamers kind of love butches. I wonder if caitvi is slowly becoming that choice for lesbian edaters like the other two that think are this in league are leona and diana amd also weirdly evelynn and ahri

ambessa is incheresting, like she hasn't revealed much of her motivations beyond trying to seize power and not die but I love the scheming and scamming that the women are committing right now. also she made my wimb tremble many times, just like mel, congratulations to the whole family. the design for black rose fucking eatssssss and overall this is such a game of thrones ass storyline without the excessive sexual assault. like ambessa is such tywin, caitlyn is her arya

that silco montage was giving a bit greys anatomy carousel montages but the animation was beautiful, the melodrama was high, the way you can feel her die inside also peak

I'm like still figuring out how i feel about jinx this season, like she's slaying every scene, she's a diva but idk how I feel about the kid yet. jinx and sevika go crazy together, they ate thaaaat. she's kind of calm as fuck but I think with how suicidal she is it makes sense because it's like she's already given up, she made her peace and is finishing her business before she dies so it's this very eery calm. I kind of fuck with it, I think that's an interesting base but I can't figure out what exactly her storyline will be yet.

and the vi and jinx fight was soooooo. I cant lie when vi was like I didn't think my sister would be orphaning kids and jinx fucking went done it to myself enough, like i cackled. and then I SCREACHED when she said I know you're sweet on her, shut uppp caitvi fandom is so annoying I forgot I love them sm, like lesbians we always win idc

AND THE END PART OH MY GOOOD WHEN JINX GETS HER FINGER SHOT OFF AND SPITS OUT BAD BITCH LINES I WAS LIVING AND SHAKING and then the fucking kid had to get in there. I'm sorry that pissed me off if I was caitlyn I would also take the shot. I'd rather vi ended the moment in someeee way or even if caitlyn took a shot anyway. idk it's just episode 3 I'll see how it goes

overall I think zaun storyline is such a mess but it's so weird fantasy steampunk vibe I kind of love it. viktor girls... I see your vision now I almost fell in love at least once when he started looking like a nuclear waste rat

[lenievi]

I decided to translate the Czech version of Javert's Suicide from the musical.

[translation of Stars]

---

What is this? Oh, God, who is that fool? He could get rid of Javert and yet he rid him of the shackles. He already had me in the palm of his hand, why didn't he use it? The Redeemer, now to be in his debt! He let me live/go****, the bullet cut through the air, whether it was a trick, whether he renounced (his) revenge, (let) the God judge.

No! If I owe a debt to a thief then all laws are smoke. Either it will be night or light and day, [right or left]* and nothing in between. We go after each other, take it as it is, either Valjean or Javert!

Why was it he who took actions with me** as if he was something more than me, as if he was washing away my sins when he gave me my life, that long-time rival. And at the same time he took my life, it was his right. I wanted to die and I'm still here, yet only a little step away from hell.***

If the wrongdoer should become honourable, (if) crime should be forgiven where would the moral order be?

Why do I have doubts today? When I have never known them before. Such a tough guy and now I'm reeling and my certainties, those are gone today. And what if I've lied to myself and the God is with him? That man gave me life just like that, and with that he killed me, just with that.

I failed, unfortunately,** you know it, stars in the darkness. I wanted to soar too but I did not reach you. I'll leave this wretched/sinful**** world, where Jean Valjean is a saint. There is nowhere else to go,***** stars, I'm coming (there) to you.

*in here words that are used on horses to tell them to go to left or right are used, and because it's either left or right, they're used as an idiom to mean complete opposites, people who can't agree with each other, who have opposite points of view

**this line is the same as the one Valjean sings after he meets the Bishop for the same melody

***I'm not using the capital letter here because it doesn't refer to the literal Hell but to "the place of the dead". In Czech, the plural for "hell" is used here and that indicates that it's not the literal Hell (blame the Bible for that). In my opinion, Javert himself doesn't sing that he's a step away from the literal Hell, but that he's a step away from the death anyway (while suffering because Valjean let him live). After all, at the end, he'd going up to the stars. (the plural for "hell" in Czech is used to mean the underworld as well, hence not real Hell... so maybe I should have used "a step away from the underworld" idk it might carry across the meaning a bit better) But anyway, the English "Instead I live, but live in hell" also doesn't mean the literal Hell here (imho anyway), so it's like that-ish (probably an unneeded explanation but anyway)

****there are tiny changes depending on a theatre.

*****literally:

There is no other there / stars, I'm coming there to you

original lyricist: Zdeněk Borovec

[evil-peanut-butter-addict-sam]

HEEEEEELLLLOOOOOOOO!!!!! Sorry for putting the questions late just like our railway which is always late by minutes or hours :)

Life update:- THANKSSSSSSSSSSSSS FOR YOUR SUGGESTIONS IT HELPED ME A LOT, NOW I SLEEP ON TIME AND NOT LATE LIKE 4 AM UNLESS I GOT FOOTBALL MATCH TO SEE 😤

I also found out how to keep myself busy and do activities and not actually feel bored, even though i am on my litttleeeeee vacation I am still doing my activities such as writing my first book, pasting images of my idols etc. Also i went for an unexpected shopping yesterday and bought a white shirt and t-shirt ✨ Really enjoying my vacation and I feel refreshed and happy, also I can say I am a lot better than I was weeks ago. Everything is good for me, I am enjoying my single life a lot, feel better and free being on my own terms than under someone else. Anyway I just got few questions bcs this questions arise in my mind a lot and it kinda disturbs me, the questions are given below:-

i) Is it a normal thing or abnormal thing to worry about someone you loved? Like i don't wanna reconnect with them but like the other part of me still worries if they are ok or not, for example like I went to shopping and while I was selecting which dress I should buy but my mind wasn't actually focusing on that instead it was worrying if they are ok or not and it's not for only one person it's about like all the people ik, it went so much that I had panic attack.

ii) Is it a normal thing or abnormal thing to remember about something which happened a year ago? Like it's been around 14 years since that devastating incident happened like I lost someone whom I was really close to Suicide, but that left a trauma mark, I was just 5 years old at that time but i still remember everything that happened including their body, idk why I still try to forget about it but my brain doesn't sometimes it recalls those things and i really get scared and start to cry like regretting if we could be a little faster we wouldn't have lost him.

iii) Is it a normal or abnormal thing to live life alone. Like don't get me wrong but I wanna live my life alone with my family members and relatives rather than dating a girl and marrying them in future. Bcs i am really trauamtised by love and I don't feel that I fit for this generation love as i feel like most of them actually don't know how to be human and what's the meaning of loving someone maybe the older generation knew that and it died with them. I am not fit for "double relationship" or "hookup culture" and most of them dating to gain something rather than actually loving them. Yes I always wanted to love someone but my experience with it has been traumatising and it had left a trauma mark that I didn't deserve, at the beginning of it my close one actually warned and also beated me after they found out, now ik they meant for good because it was just after some traumatic incident I went through but I still went with them hoping they will be good and at first i felt that and i actually told it to my close one and they agreed and thought the person was really good. But after one incident every truth came out including that they insulted my close one numerous time calling them something they weren't even though that person knew them. I still hold on hoping they actually understood but nah they again insulted including me i didn't mind about the insults that they did on my name calling me things I wasn't but I felt really bad when they called bad things about my close one. Moreover after they forgot what I did and went on to believe on the words of some people who didn't talk with them for months I really thought of letting it go because it wasn't worth it at all, beside they showed some fake promises that they never meant. All of these left a trauma mark on me beside I now have huge trust issues and I can't believe that someone will ever love me without gaining something in return. So i decided that i will live alone and focus on achieving my dreams and other achievements that i want to achieve but few people made fun of it and i really felt bad like people who never know what happened and were giving advice on what i should or not and were trying to stop me from being the free me. Even though I avoided and didn't pay attention but sometimes it questions me. Moreover is it a good thing to worry about someone who hurted you and expecting them to change later when they realises more about what was right and what was wrong? Like the other part of me says they might change while the other part says that they won't and would turn out to be a bad one, even though I can't be with them as i would get beatings and also for the little me which doesn't deserve the things that I am going through and if I get hurt badly this time I will probably end my life.

iv) Is it a good thing or bad thing to follow your idols and finding themselves as a means of comfort like example I am a tech nerd and football lover I like programming so whenever I get sad i look up to the videos related to my fav place where I want to work, or about my favourite idol or footballer. For example I really idolise Rodri and Wilbur a lot, so whenever I get sad i watch videos related to them which are funny and makes me happy but is it a good thing bcs I am a boy, and like in many instances people would call me gay while I am not, and that finding comfort through them doesn't mean I am gonna see them as lover figure I see them as an elder brother figure and I find comfort though them. Even after telling them that I am a straight but grey-aroace person they would make fun of me which really makes me feel bad.

v) Is it a normal thing or abnormal thing to really feel not comfortable with too many people bcs like year ago when I was 16 I got sexual threats in a gc and they would send texts related to it even after telling I am uncomfortable with it, i eventually left that gc but I didn't complain it to my parents and it would lead to legal matters which I wanted to avoid, so this makes me feel uncomfortable with too many people and often times I would panick and run away to a space which has less people. Moreover after all this incidents I really don't trust humans that much like I used to before except my family members, relatives and my idols.

vi) I come from a well disciplined family, so i really don't say no to everyone unless it's bad but in many instances this polite behaviour would cause toll on me. Like there was a bestfriend of mine whom i knew from years but he really kept that friendship for using me as a honey extractor, like I was working on a game which I wanna create so he was keeping friendship with me so to gain money from it and didn't mean any true friendship with me. I understood it late but when I eventually left creating distance from them and telling them that i don't want to keep anymore contact with them. But in many instances I couldn't say no at first instance when i understood as i thought it might hurt them, moreover trying to say them no in a polite manner wouldn't work. So like how to be confident and say no when you feel it's wrong any suggestions?

vii) Is it normal or abnormal thing to worry about the person you knew and knows? Like after the RG Kar incident it still shivers my spine and i really got scared, I still worry about all the person i knew because our law system is a shit and if anyone speaks about any bad thing or being too honest it would result in such horrific incidents like this. It's been month yet none of the main culprits are behind the bars and are roaming like nothing happened with them and beside Indians don't have that confident in them to lead out a protest, a simple threat would scare them and they would eventually stopped and that this is not the first time daily many people whether it's a boy or a girl get sexually harrassed or asualted and no one cares, and if any people speaks they would either get killed or assaulted sexually here. And even after this incidents the boys don't care being a good human still there are many hospitals where the doctors are getting threatened or harrassed and in colleges this has been a culture to bully, rag or assualt someone or forcefully record pornography with them and if they don't they would get assaulted sexually or murder and label it as suicide. And here many of the people who spoked against this thing got threatened and this thing really scares me a lot and I worry about the persons I know even if they are bad, and recently one of my close one got taunting while she was returning from college. A boy said "RG KAR kore debo naki?" This is a Bengali language and it translates to "should I do the RG KAR incident with you?" and like they think doing something would give them fame and name and like winning a medal. Moreover I got no energy or happiness to celebrate the greatest festival even though I am a boy.

viii) Is it a normal thing or abnormal thing to write books or games to aware people. Like i wanna work in one of my fav company and as a game programmer also beside that I wanna create a game to aware people and currently I am writing a book on depression too to aware people. But many of the people would call me abnormal or make fun of me telling what would your book do or who said you to do this and this really makes me feel bad and questions myself.

ix) Is it a normal thing or abnormal thing to actually keeping a wish to meet your idols like I wanna meet my idols and I told it to some people and guess what they made fun of me telling I am still a kid I won't be able to meet them or even reach my dreams.

Ig it's a long question but if you would give me suggestions I would appreciate it a lot as your suggestions are really helpful and it works also if I disturbed you I am really sorry I didn't know you can read it at your free time and answer it.

And yea I am healing the wounds that I didn't deserve gonna take a long time but this time I will comeback stronger and being the best version of myself! Take care and sending you a lot of positive mental health 🩵

WHOA THATS SO GOOD IM PROUD :D

I) I personally worry about the people I have loved because I'm still on good terms with them I still see them practically daily and we are still friends! On the other hand if they hurt you in someway or you ended on bad terms I don't really think its needed to reconnect with them in anyway but is good with wish a positive future for them, and not only that everyone should wish everyone a positive future whether you like them or not.

II) I'm saying these all from my perspective and what I do! I feel it's decently normal to remember something from that long ago especially if it left a mental or physical mark on you. For example, almost 3-4 years ago now I learned how to ride a bike for the first time and I fell to the ground pretty bad so it left a big acar on my knee for those whole 3-4 years and it's just now starting to fully fade away, and when I fell the pain was kinda bad and I was crying quite a bit and I still remember it perfectly. I know that example probably wasn't all that good compared to your example but I did wanna trauma dump on you.

III) its completely normal to wanna be alone, I understand that so much before I dated anyone I didn't feel the need to date or feel the need to get caught up in relationships! [But then I found my first ex and that kicked it all off lol]

IV) who tf is not normalizing that everyone can find comfort in a idol? Anyway yes its completely normal to look up old vids and stuff even if you are a dude that YOUR comfort, don't let anyone take that away from you by calling you a gay men.

[Never finished this sorry]

[itsclydebitches]

Okay so, just to recap:

Ruby drives away Little, which works. That's a classic "I hate myself and am being cruel in order to supposedly protect you, but you'll still follow me out of love anyway" situation.

Neo's semblance has evolved to the point where she can keep multiple, independent copies going at once, all of which have a different veneer, as well as a whole-ass mansion for them to play in. Sure! Why not! We're well past the point of power scaling jumping the shark.

All these copies can talk. I don't care if this is some Ever After magic, Neo is mute! Let her be mute!!

The story straight up forgot what information Neo has. Does she know anything about Ruby and Penny's friendship? Is she aware that Clover died out in the snow? Is mind-reading a part of her semblance now too?

How come everyone else hasn't gotten insane semblance power ups? Jaune must feel so cheated after spending a whole lifetime here...

Ruby defends herself against this horrific onslaught despite JUST being unable to fight against more garden-variety baddies. Is she having a crippling aversion to Crescent Rose or not?

Ruby is physically and psychologically tortured which, while compelling, means that every criticism we're shown is easily dismissed. The question of whether Ruby has caused more harm than good isn't really something to grapple with, it's a horrific lie told by the villain that Ruby needs to be rescued from. It's the Caterpillar situation on steroids and the extreme nature of the scenario just makes the viewer uncomfortable (understandably!), rather than allowing space to acknowledge, "The dead allies she's at times had a hand in getting killed have a point about Ruby's consequence-laden failures."

This includes images of the adults in her life - notably adults that the show has demonized - beating her to a bloody pulp to the point where we're shown rare injuries. Great! Love watching my discourse-laden faves choking a teen against the wall and beating her with a cane /s

This culminates in Ruby slicing "Oscar" in half, the kid who previously underwent torture too. This guy just can't catch a break.

Also love the implication that seeing Oscar cut in half is psychologically damaging, but if the copy had stayed as Ozpin it would have been fine. Or at least far less impactful. Why would Ruby care about her old headmaster who remains a current ally in this fight? Seeing HIM dead, even if it's a fake currently attacking her, just doesn't mean much emotionally.

Little is dead. I mean, they'll probably resurrect them somehow, or reveal that they were just badly injured, but Neo was grinding her heel. The tiny mouse should be a goner.

Yang is pissed at her little sister for having a breakdown after she spent the last two days flirting with her girlfriend instead of acknowledging the horrors they've all been through. Sibling of the year.

Then all of them just STAND THERE while Ruby, injured and lying on the ground, surrounded by enemies, sloooooooowly drinks the clearly messed-up tea. Hey, at least the sisters are even now? Ruby just stood there while Yang fell and Yang just stood there while Ruby killed herself. Great job, girls.

Oh yeah, hey, RT? It's called "themes of suicide," not just "distressing themes." Kudos for having our protagonist make a huge mistake that's FRAMED as a mistake and should have an interesting impact on the story... but warn appropriately for it, yeah?

Why does Neo want Ruby to be remade via the tree instead of just killing her? Idk idk.

Then she immediately goes comatose because apparently killing Ruby was the only thing keeping her going. There's no interest in ruling the Ever After. No temptation to spend all her time with this fake Roman that can, apparently, hold independent conversations with her and generally act like the real Roman did. Like, tell me this isn't a Neo falling hard into her fantasy, content to have "Roman" again in this magical world:

No desire either to go get revenge on Cinder for dropping her here in the first place. Neo is just done now that Ruby has fallen into a root-covered void. 10/10 great character depth.

Love the insanely evil Cat but... what's is their actual goal? Something about curiosity, something about being left by their creators, something about needing a host, something about broken hearts?? This would all be far more compelling to me if I had a better handle on what exactly they wanted.

Preview of next episode: Yang, Weiss, and Blake are totally fine with Ruby's choice. I mean, why wouldn't they be? It's not death! The Paper Pleasers promised! It's her right to go to the tree if that's what she wants and you need to rethink your narrow perspective if you're going to be upset about that choice. This is a totally fine outcome and they can just go find this new, definitely improved Ruby to take back to Remnant. No reason to be sad about it. Right, Jaune? :)))

Oh, and there's only two episodes left to do [gestures] everything.

[geneticallymodifiedidiot]

funny stupid sad angry post

uh so the poll said yes

so here goes? i've got no idea how to do this

tw: vent, self-sabotage, sh/cutting, eating disorder(?)/calorie counting, suicide ideation

please for the love of god if any of these trigger you in any way don't read this through. i'm not worth making your triggers worse. don't do that to yourself.

this is a really long fucking post. we'll see if i end up deleting it. if people just tell me that my problems aren't that bad (which is totally possible) then i'll delete it. no harm done.

let the brain dump begin

why am i doing this? it's not like i'd let myself accept help if anyone decided to try

uh idk it feels like i'm not doing enough

i'm not good enough for my friends, my school performance isn't good enough, i'm not doing enough to help other in general, i'm not doing enough to maintain relationships with my family and other people close to me, my "skills" aren't good enough, my problem aren't good enough to be considered problems, a lot of stuff like that

like the friend thing is like i feel like my friends are way better at being supportive and helping each other than i am, i'm trying my best but i can't seem to do enough because we're all just sad and i feel like i can't help

i constantly want to tell my friends "hey, you guys know that if i'm not a good enough friend, you can leave/stop being my friend and i won't get mad, right?" but i don't because i'm worried they actually might.

i went on a really long trip overseas this past summer and spent some time with family and i feel like i was a terrible person the whole time because my egg had cracked like a solid two weeks beforehand and i hated the idea of having to exist as two people at once bc my family has not exactly presented themselves as the most trans-friendly people but they also haven't made it so it's obviously a bad idea to come out to them. just a collection of offhand comments and unclear/lack of messaging around trans people has made it so i feel like it would be a bad idea, but if i'm wrong, then these people deserve better from me and not for me to hide myself from them.

the most unclear part of this for me is my mom, because like she's not the best but it's not obvious to me if she's actually bad. like i've seen a lot of things especially on this site about how trauma and abuse are overused terms but i don't know what qualifies. whenever i see examples i seem to fall in a middle ground between them. like it's mostly mental. she doesn't hit me (although idk i feel like i might remember some stuff from very long ago and there's one major event that i'm not going to get into) but there's just some things. like when i tried to come out as aroace, she never explicitly rejected that, but she also didn't... say anything. both times. and also when i first told her that i thought i might have adhd, she said something along the lines of "oh yeah, when you were young the doctor said you had some adhd tendencies, but we're not going to get you diagnosed because i don't want you to use it as an excuse." which, i guess, but something doesn't seem right about that.

but she's not explicitly terrible either, like i have stuff. she lets me leave the house pretty often. she's not super uptight about grades as long as i don't miss assignments. idk, it's super confusing. it's not entirely her fault either, she's an immigrant and english is her second language. there's a big age gap between us (40 years) its probably hard for her to raise a child, especially one as horrifically difficult to deal with as me. one time she said she hated me, but she apologized later and said she misspoke. which is fair i guess, she was under stress at the time. if i was her, id probably hate me too. idk i feel bad for saying i miss my dad (he died 5 years ago) my mom's trying her best and she got the bad luck of getting a child that is much more difficult than she bargained for. god im a terrible child lol.

oh, on the adhd thing- i feel like i exhibit symptoms for adhd pretty recognizably (although im not diagnosed, so its technically possible that i don't and i just need to try a little bit harder) but also i feel like i exhibit some signs of autism. but again. what. the heck. qualifies. i don't like drums (especially snare drums, which are RIGHT BEHIND ME IN BAND WHY-) and im bad with convoluted noise in general. but also like, i don't exhibit this all the time. sometimes i won't even notice drums all that much. sometimes i realize lights are way too bright like five minutes after being around them. i get hyperfixations, but im pretty sure that could just be the adhd thing. im bad at talking to people but again, i could just be bad. i scored 150 on the RAADS-R test, but that's not a diagnosis. idk. hah.

i'm outright just a negative person to be around, i can't think of a single person that is better off because i'm in their life. they either have to deal with all of my problems or i just end up not talking to them as much as a good friend should.

also i feel like my "skills" are really bad to the point that i can barely call them skills. in band, on my first instrument (euphonium) i'm first chair in the symphonic/advanced/audition band (somehow) but there's this one interval in a solo that i cannot nail down. and its annoying. in marching band its even worse, im on sousaphone which some would say is the most important instrument, but the director tells us to play louder all the freaking time (there's only 7 sousaphones and the band is like 200 people). my rank tells me im playing well but like. aaa. i could be playing better. last years rank leader was so ridiculously loud and i don't think i can match him.

other "skill" is cooking. some people might have seen the attempt at bread that i made. and the interior is just a mass of gluten. like. come on, i can do better than that. and then i also made like a chili dish to go with the bread, and the recipe called for too many beans. i should've recognized it, but no. there are too many beans. im annoyed. my mom doesn't like to eat beans that much so i feel like i failed her too. which, lovely.

ehhhh yeah i can talk about dysphoria here too. why not. idk one thing that made me spiral a bit was one of the people im not out to in marching band said "deadname you should get a buzz cut again it looked good" (i had a buzz cut for much of my childhood because long hair felt too hot) and fucking- i look better with a buzz cut than with long hair?! fucking murder me! oh my god! should i even transition as an adult at this point, i'd probably look even worse than i do now! am i just goddamn destined to be unhappy with my appearance?! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

ok tw for sh for this next part

so all this manifested in a cutting habit (yippee) which is. mildly terrifying. but also i feel like this problem is also inferior because they aren't all that deep. like i see things about sh support that are like "here's how you know you hit an artery" and im like well. that's not been a problem insofar. maybe im being dramatic about this.

i don't even know why i do it. i don't feel particularly better when i do it. i guess i could be like adrenaline doping but that's not that big of a thing. it doesn't make me like special or worse than other people, cutting isn't that uncommon from what i've seen. 52% of trans girls reported self-injury over the past year (per the trevor project)

the annoying this is even when i see a way out i don't take it. when i first started i was using a partially rusted razor which i completely recognized as dangerous but like. i have my shots (thanks mom.) so that happened for a while until the rust got to the point where the blade was dull. yeah, that's the reason i stopped using a rusty knife: not because of the rust and the tetanus risk, but because the blade was getting dull. that's fucking pathetic.

so instead of stopping like a normal fucking person i (still cannot believe i did this) went on amazon and bought a $10 pocketknife. and now that's just on my person. i could've stopped, i had an out, but i spent money on a different knife. s t u p i d.

tw suicide ideation

oh, something else horrifying? the thoughts i had regarding sh like... two months prior to starting are. shockingly similar to the thoughts i have regarding suicide. (i don't think i'm going to commit suicide, that's a bit more commitment that a few scars on my forearm and thighs). but i mean like, i like to sleep. maybe this wouldn't be too different. people wouldn't have to worry about me anymore.

and don't tell me i "matter," i'm perfectly aware of the 143.8lbs of matter i take up in this universe i take up and how much of a waste it is. possible eating disorder tw for the next part.

okay like. im weird with food. what the hell counts as an eating disorder. im not underweight, (i know this is not an end-all be-all by any stretch of a hyperflexible imagination, but my bmi's 19.0. that's technically in the healthy range). i'm skinnier than i was 18 months ago. but like. i'm not wasting away. i just have a calorie-counting habit that is. annoying. along with a general fear of gaining weight. sometimes i'll eat what i feel is too much and i have an urge to make myself vomit (i've never done that before, but i have a general idea) but the thing that stops me is the vivid image of my esophagus dissolving. which i guess is good.

why? i don't know. that's a theme here, isn't it. i don't know why im the stupid ridiculous way that i am, which probably means im bullshitting everything. but i don't know. it's like all my issues are on the borderline of "okay you need actual help" and "eh, you'll probably be fine. just push through it." which again probably suggests that im actually fine and being ridiculous about everything. i'm not the only person in this world who has dysphoria. im not the only person whos unsure about coming out to their family. im not the only person who engages in self-injury. im not the only person who has suicidative thoughts from time to time. i have what most people would call a good life. im physically able-bodied, lean, fit into the school system, have a parent, i live near a school, and im not under threat of dying by someone else's hand. these are all advantages that tons of people probably wish they had. why do i complain so much. im so ready for this post to get a response of "this is nothing, just deal with it. good god." and that's fair.

idk, i guess im tired. im tired of avoiding the mirror constantly, tired of keeping a running track of the amount of energy ive consumed in the past 24 hours, tired of doing the same thing each day with no real end in sight, tired of feeling like i need to push myself harder, tired of seeing an arm covered in scars when i reach over myself to turn off the light each night when i go to sleep, tired of going to sleep and sometimes wishing i wouldn't wake up.

do i even deserve anything. do i deserve friends. do i deserve to be happy. do i deserve to get the things i want. do i deserve a good life. do i deserve to transition if i want to. do i deserve help. do i deserve to take up societies resources, whether that be food, water, medical care, or therapy.

do i deserve to live?

if you read this far, uh. im sorry. this probably took a long time that could be better dedicated to something more important than a random teenager on the internet. but here we are.

if you want to say something 1. probably don't. my brain has found a way to basically not let me accept help but if you want to try, that's your prerogative. 2. if you want to say something but don't know what to say, that's fine. i know the feeling and what the hell do you say to whatever this post is anyway.

[rel124c41]

I suck horribly at actually talking to people but I NEED to make it known how much I've loved and enjoyed your jade fics!!! Every single one has been a total banger., i've been fed so well.

I absolutely loved the readers lack of autonomy in your japanese folklore fic (im typing off memory so my spelling of everything will be off) they didn't have a choice in anything. fish wife <3 I'll admit I was a little confused with the Garappo, i truly thought it was some weird suicide until Jade later mentioned it. And why Floyd mentioned his brother dying to one, (I honestly thought it was supposed to be jade creature)

AGHHHH fish wife??? really?? fish wife??? the ending was so delicious, i could almost visualize it. so lovely. the fear, lack of autonomy, the loss of all they've known, never knowing what's real and what's a fantasy. I'm not sure what you envisioned for their future, but I can imagine that lack of autonomy will be more of a pressing issue than it was. God, the view of that though!!! Someone you only remember when you're too hazy to be in the real world, someone that's been with you throughout your life, someone that's wanted you since you could remember. isn't that so romantic? Finally together where the sun can't part you, under the water.

i dont know how to really explain what im feeling, or what i think, but i feel like it's such a poignant visual to be killed by this Jade in that way. It feels like watching a puzzle you've been working on be completed, or reaching a new plot point in a game you like, it's this feeling of intrigue, anticipation, idk. I always get that feeling reading your fics and also HOLY FUCK THEYRE SO LONG!!!!!!

and dont think i've forgotten your other fics LOL im ready to talk about those too holy fuck. I don't have that much to say unfortunately, I really enjoyed them just as much but I'm far more speechless. The Jade fic based off of Mera's god! Floyd was... really nice. The altar scene felt like Jade was punishing them for something. That's just how the bee crumbles, though. "sadist" might not rhyme with "jade" but it's basically the same word anyway... I loved watching Jade's opinion of Reader change over the time skips, he goes from mild annoyance/hate or, idk, repulsion (?) to interest, to love (menace style).

The reader fulfilling nothing in the end was certainly something. I loved it.

I've never really had a family, so I can't understand reader's motivations in your "crowley finds a way to send Yuu home" fic, but it made me wish I had one. I enjoyed the ending, the usage of the ghost camera. Poor Jade, really. I don't have much to say, because I'm not personally a fan of angst.

I feel like I can safely say you're my favorite writer, even above Mera. (who i now know you're also a fan of!!! which is neat!!!!!)

i know i probably could've DMed you but I feel like an ask is more appropriate >:) i hope you enjoy the long ask, as an artist myself this is kinda like tags on my art, and i really feel like you deserve that happiness. not good at talking, my bad!!!!

oh the way this made my day, i’m on break for my 6-2 shift and just AAAAAAAAAA thank you thank you thank you for this ask (*≧∀≦*) i’m geeking over here man,, i’m so flattered

okay to answer the first thing about why Floyd mentions his brother got killed by one!! the entire point of him going there is to check if his future sibling in law opinion on yokai, his brother’s lovesick so Floyds on the case

he had to make the reader let him stay!! the idea of the garappa outside is more terrifying to the reader than letting in a stranger & he mentions his brother dying to one (falsely!!! he’s lying ofc!!!)

bc the reader’s like oh that sounds familiar for him to have a brother, that fits into place — doubled with the bath salts, it’s an ease slip inside the shrine

“the fear, lack of autonomy, the loss of all they've known, never knowing what's real and what's a fantasy.” dude why did you write Sundo better than me??? why did you write the whole thesis of Sundo in a more poetic and all around better way that i ever could holy shit

also if i was the reader i’d give into to be an umi bozu so easily,, like the eldritch beauty of becoming something truly incomprehensible, some Berserk-esque creature

like look at this!!!!! it would be so cool to be this!!!!! GIANT FISH WIFE!!!!

AAAAA to be a huge monster loved and adored by your husband who stole/shares your immortal soul and infects your memory like a leech 💕💕

“It feels like watching a puzzle you've been working on be completed, or reaching a new plot point in a game you like,” AAAAA THANK YOU!!! (￣个￣) this particular part has me geeking,, i’m a big video game fan so to mimic that feeling of completeness, integrality!!!

and yeah i’m always worried about length bc i’m too fluent in yappanese when it comes to writing

the altar scene in Psilocybin was definitely a mixture of punishment and accepting them into his world — he’s always going to be salty that he does not know what fear tastes, smells, looks like upon the reader! (〃´∀｀)

i’m a HUGE momma’s girl so that’s where the theme of Schism came from haha and i love Tool’s music — thank you for saying u like the ghost camera usage, i was worried the audience might not get this BUT reader does not end up leaving; that end scene is specifically with the fragment of her soul from the photograph on Jade’s desk

ALSO MORE THAN MERA???? AAAAA THATS CRAZY PRAISE 💕💕💕 (O∆O)

UM THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS ASK <<<3 im tattooing it in my head forever!!!! also ure my first mutual and it’s such an honor bc you’re so incredibly talented and AAAA i’m still geeking 💕

[yuukei-yikes]

i was thinking abt how ayano and shintaro r the only two characters who ever die by suicide (shintaro is only in some routes but STILL.) and like how that's a way of showing that they had the potential to understand each other (bc in my opinion they r actually very similar) but not until either of them were dead. idk does this make sense? i just thought of this today so this thought isnt very refined yet i need to think abt it more

they ARE similar!!!!! i totally agree. shintaro and ayano are totally similar people. they're both Justice Seekers but are so depressed and have such horrible self worth they can't actually be proactive about things. but then they are :3

i wish we got ayano pov from hs and why she liked shintaro. I've always thought ayano's crush on him is...cute!!! because she's literally going thru the horrors, her mom died, her dad is being Strange, and she has to take care of the house and her siblings all alone PLUS later learning of all the horrible stuff about the daze and clearing. and yet. she's also a normal hs girl who has a silly crush on her classmate. not that we ever saw it but i definitely think ayano got to see at least once the shintaro we see who fights for good and doesn't let fear get to him like when he yells at the fucking terrorists or acts all cool when they face clearing in the novels. i think ayano got to see shintaro being Heroic or whatever and she was like THIS is the kind of guy we need to be recruiting in the mekakushi dan🔥🔥🔥 like seriously im delusional abt this but i think there should be a shinaya backstory abt this.

man i wish we saw more hs shinaya😭😭😭😭😭 im so mad that they only ever show shintaro being a fucking asshole lord in hs like im not rooting for you bitch FAST FORWARD NOW but the fact ayano knows shintaro likes music and shoujo manga etcetc its clear ayano and shintaro had normal ass conversations all the time. SHOW THEM TO MEEEEEE whatever. i dont even care <- cares

anyways i just wanted to say i think ayano does Kind of understand shintaro. i also wish we saw ayano think of shintaro in the entire conjecture with clearing eyes killing haruka and takane and her sacrificing herself for them and the mekatrio. Go listen to full disclosure from steven universe and you will understand my ayano vision for this. sorry that was weird. i think ayano wanted to keep shintaro as uninvolved as possible, haruka and takane were inevitably already in it. she just wanted to make sure to take them Out of it but shintaro.. i think ayano always had the feeling shintaro would get involved. i think ayano gravitates towards shintaro because she needed help and she needed a hero and deep down she knew this was him. but she never manages to properly reach out or even understand it i guess. but i think ayano did understand shintaro maybe even more he understood himself. on the other hand shintaro DID NOT understand ayano AT ALL but like you said, he could have. who knows how things had gone if shintaro had walked in when he saw ayano crying in the classroom!!! imagine ayano managing to pour her heart out and tell him what's gonna happen to their friends and her family. he would've helped. shintaro would've done something. but ayano wouldn't want him to bc he would get hurt but at the same time she WOULD want him to because she's so scared and alone and desperate for help *holds head *

also i always make myself insane abt shintaro and ayano being depressed legends who wanna die. while haruka and takane struggle with health problems and want to Live So Badly. sorry for bringing up harutaka Hi its me tumblr user yuukei yikes vinnie i will ALWAYS make it about harutaka. i just wanted to say that. shinaya who wanna die and tragedy arises from never meeting in the middle and not being able to understand each other vs harutaka who wanna live more than anything and tragedy arises from being forcibly separated.

ayano's words to takane when she's projecting so hard. there are times you want to tell someone something but you wind up being too late. ayano was never gonna say anything to shintaro because she didnt Want to. she knew what she was going to the roof for. while takane immediately makes a run for it to say something to haruka, she is just too late and has no control over her fate. whatever im normal!

[breadboysteals]

TW: vent/ramble/suicide note/ there's too many damn slashes/bad grammar/ no punctuation: I hope republicans genuinely realize that "make America great again" means nothing like I'm not trying to start arguments or anything but it genuinely does not mean anything like when was it great because any time before now was a pretty bad time for America pretty racist unless you mean when trump was president but everyone was more homophobic then I mean we're not not homophobic now and it wasn't considerably less during his serve but it's not like a lot was better the economy was better during his term but that's because of Obama so it doesn't really correlate with trump trump didn't change things very much like every president now only changes like two things besides Obama that dude was a beast like I've heard he bombed shit and he was a bad dude but like he kind of fixed America for a little bit so maybe he should've been allowed I mean Teddy Roosevelt was a great president but he was a bit sexist but everyone brushes that off because he was fucking awesome god I rant for so long I barely remember my point at the beginning let's get back to that MAGA does not have any significance those words in that order have no meaning I mean you could say "America was great under trump so let's make America great again" but your supplying no context I mean it's just something that means nothing but is easy to chant like if i said "make gators eat taters" it obviously means nothing but it is a hell of a chant idk if it is a good chant though I am pretty high I mean why else would I ramble on for two pages hey if you some how get to this point and could read it even though I used no punctuation and probably a shit ton of grammar mistakes comment "make gators eat taters" and I mean republicans are really voting for likability and he's not even a likeable guy he's just a guy you know like voting for Andrew Tate like "sure he's a shitty guy and he's ugly but he has everything you could want maybe my incel ass will find everything too" I mean they all just became so afraid of being alone and it being your fault you decided to blame everyone else for being alone NEWSFLASH it's nobodies fault besides yours you caused your loneliness you can't help that so you go online spit some shit about women being bad and only liking attractive people ignoring the fact that it's just because your personality is shitty so that other men on the Internet will like you (gay asf btw) then you take whatever sex toy you have that fits your tiny dick and masturbate to overwatch porn for about 2 seconds then you jizz into whatever slimy toy you have and play call of duty with the 13 year old kids who are gonna end up like you and the worst part about it is you don't even get death you have all the water and food your mom brings down to you so that you never have to leave that chair and the only other option is to have self esteem issues and just fucking starve yourself to death in your mom's basement that's the only way any of you can get out of this life hopefully your mom makes you pay rent so you actually have to go out and work your minimum wage job and talk to regular people I know I said I wasn't gonna start any arguments but who's gonna read all the way down here I mean I could just put any picture down here too

See ts it's naked men and apes walking jk jk it's some depiction of evolution I was told a while back was incorrect but I have to assume they just mean it didn't make those dramatic jumps which yeah of course they're not gonna put a million slightly different monkey pictures on a god damn textbook

I'm terrified I'm absolutely terrified I'll end up like them fat alone with a huge drinking problem that I went to rehab for then immediately fell back into the pattern because my brother is an asshole or the other option living in my dad's basement and smoking weed all day and starving myself to death yeah that shit I said about starving yourself to death yeah that was about my brother it's a shitty way to end up but at least he has to pay rent so he goes to his job horrible way to end up and well I guess there's the third option I get good grades I write a good essay and I go to a good college but the whole time I'm in debt and empty inside I bottled my emotions up for so long that any slight thing that makes me mad I'll make a huge argument I like that one it's not likely to happen but I like it because at the very least I'm trying that's why it's not likely to happen I don't try to do anything not in a "I would succeed if I really tried" type of thing that losers say after they lose a game but a "well at least I did something" kind of trying I doubt I would succeed succeed but hopefully I'd get into some subpar college do what I like doing for at least a while you know till I kill myself that's where the story ends that's where it's always been leading I'm just waiting for the time to get there.