#i can't even die right. should've died about 4 different times as a kid and i couldn't even do that.

[exculis]

Really wish my parents would just like. Check me into a mental hospital and then move to another state and never look back. I deserve to be rejected. I don't belong in a group. I don't want them to keep taking care of me. And I can't experience fucking anything without making it all about me and how I'm the world's biggest piece of shit. Why do any of them want to be around me. Why don't they just say it with their whole chest that they want me gone. Why don't they want me gone.

It's impossible to even count the number of times I have royally fucked someone over. The number of times I've needlessly endangered people. If I really cared about any of them I'd stay the fuck away from them but I'm too selfish to even do that. In 2025 I seriously need to get off the zoloft and get on my local train tracks and lie down and wait.

Change is impossible. I need to be removed from the situation.

[fishsticksloser]

Can i request rottmnt HC of future mikey and future leo with their motger reader (human female reader)? (If you can, can you add future Donnie and future raph?)

Like the boys came from the future and after saving earth from invasion they miss their whole family and try to catch up with everything, what would reader react if she knew what happened to her precious babies in the future?

Like they ate rats, they didn't sleep on good beds or knowing she and splinter passed away when they were kids?

Destruction, Loss, & Death

F!RotTMNT + fem!reader

Warnings: angst, familial fluff, all the boys are from different points of the Kraang future for extra angst :), no tcest!!!, this is really long

A/N: haha... this isn't a hc... this is a fic because I can, hope you don't mind. :) I need some more angst, its my favorite genre. This took a while to write... :/

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Leo looked around. He saw Mikey, still intact, he raced over and hugged his younger brother tight. Mikey was a little confused, but he felt Leo shaking as he cried and squeezed him a little tighter. A much bigger set of arms wrapped around them. They both look up and see Raph. Leo let's go and hugs Raph even tighter, whispering apologizes. They let go of each other, Raph wipes stray tears from Leo's face telling him it's not his fault. There was just one turtle missing, Donnie. Leo looked around for his twin, missing his stupid face.

"Leo?" Leo spins around, hearing the purple turtle's voice. Their eyes meet and Leo pulls him into a hug. Donnie wrapped his arms around Leo, his own tears falling. This time, though, Donnie was the one apologizing. Raph and Mikey joined them, each talking about what happened before they got wherever they were.

"We were sending Casey back in time to stop the Kraang. Mikey opened the portal and-" Leo choked out. "It's all my fault..."

"Boys?" All 4 boys turn, hearing your voice. You had heard a commotion and told Splinter you'd investigate. You saw older versions of your sons, holding each other.

"Mom!" They all say together, hugging you. You felt your shirt wetting with the tears of your sons. You led them to sit, Splinter joining you.

"What's going on?" You ask. "Are you okay?"

"My sons..." Splinter places his hands on Raph and Leo's faces, before moving to do the same to the other 2.

"You... You were dead..." Mikey sniffs. "I don't understand..."

"It seems like we travelled back in time." Donnie said. "All of us are from different points in the apocalypse. Raph is from before he died, I'm from before I died... 4 years later. Mikey is after I die, before sending Casey back... Leo is right after Mikey dies..."

"You 2 died really early in the apocalypse." Leo states, his prosthetic hissed as he rolled it forward. "You've been dead for 20 years..."

"I can't imagine what you boys went through."

The boys told you about the apocalypse. Rats were a constant menu item, Splinter responded with "we are quite tasty." Your heart broke for your boys. But you couldn't comfort them all at once.

Leo seemed to have the most demons, living through everyone's deaths, feeling guilty for the apocalypse, having to lead everyone. You went to him first, the others sharing stories with Splinter.

"Leo..." You gently rub your hand over his head to the back of his neck, tears coming to his eyes as he looks as you. "None of this is your fault, please know that. No one blames you."

"How? How do you know that?" He grits, nonexistent eyebrows drawn down. "How can't they hate me? I'm the one and only cause. I'm the reason all of you died. It should've been me!"

"You didn't know what was at stake, you were 16. That never should've been on your shoulders."

"But I failed... I failed you, I failed Raph, Donnie, Mikey, April, Casey, Cassandra, Dad... I am the reason for all of this."

"You didn't know what the key was. The only people at fault were the ones meant to protect it and those reckless enough to use it. You are not at fault. You need to forgive yourself."

"How...?" His voice cracks as he leans forward burying his head in your chest, like he did when he was upset as a child. Your thumbs rub the back of his neck and shell. You lean down and kiss the crown of his head softly.

"By letting go..."

You stay and soothed Leo for over an hour. He let out everything. All of his grief, anger, anxiety. He sobbed until he ran out of tears, but continued to cry as he clung desperately to your shirt as if it was the only thing keeping him alive. Soon, though, he fell asleep, all the sobbing exhausting him.

So you were on to your next subject, Raph. It would've been Mikey, but he and Donnie were still talking to their father, Raph had moved away.

"Raphael." You hum, pulling him close. He held you tight, a sad smile on his face. You kiss his forehead, his eyes closed as you did so.

"I'm so sorry, Mom..." He sighs, relaxing in your grasp. "I should've been there to protect you and Dad... To protect them."

"Raphael, you have done that and so much more." You answer.

"You died... They died... I should've done better. Should've helped Leo more, he wasn't ready for all of this."

"Neither were you. You were 17. This shouldn't have ever be your boys' burden."

"I wish you were with us..."

"I'm here now."

Raph pulled you into his arms, his massive stature made you seem like a doll, you're practically the same size as his torso. His arms held you tight, like if he let go, you'd disappear. But he let you go, knowing you had 2 other turtles to attend to.

Mikey came to you. Hugging you once again. His was softer. He wasn't riddled with as much guilt as his older brothers. He understood what would come and what had already passed.

"I missed you, Mom." Mikey gasped, pulling away to look at you. "I wonder what you would've looked like as a grandma."

"Angelo, you look so much older." You hold his face in your hands, he leans into them. "So much wiser... So much wiser than Splinter." Mikey laughs, tears coming to his eyes.

"I wish you could've seen baby Casey. How we all raised him together. All the stupid things we got into with him."

"I will. I have my boys. I will make sure of it."

Mikey kissed your palms before heading off to see Raph. For some reason you had a feeling you had to get to Donnie quickly, like you were running out of time.

"Donato!" You call. Donnie runs to you, picking you up in a hug. He sets you down and you run your thumbs under his eyes. "Oh... You look so tired..."

"I am." He breathes, his eyes falling closed. "I've worked so hard, Mom... And it means nothing..."

"Donatello, you saved your brothers and thousands of others from the Kraang. I would call that nothing."

"They why do they die? Why did you die? I'm not good enough..."

"You are everything to me, to Splinter, to your brothers. Donnie, you are a gift. Just like the other 3. I wouldn't change my life for anything. I'm sure the me in your timeline would agree."

He doesn't answer, tears slipping down his cheeks. He wasn't a crier, really he wasn't. He hated crying, he felt weak. Now though, it felt like a weight lifted off his shoulders. He felt calm again.

Splinter and his brothers soon joined you. You all gathered together, clinging like they were your lifeline.

After who knows how long, it was just you and Splinter, in an empty house.

"Mom! Dad! Guess what!?" You hear your boys come to the living room. Your very alive, still young, sons.