#i can't even blame it on the new meds bc this happens even when i don't take them lmao

[prismatoxic]

after i got out of the insomnia phase i crashed face-first into hypersomnia instead and as it turns out, sleeping all the time and waking up sore and groggy is just as good a way to make me irritable and anti-social as dealing with insomnia is

[tamrielf]

i hope you’re okay!!!!

honestly i'm not. i'm waiting to be transported STILL to mclean. i came to the emergency room cause i felt unsafe & i was tempted to hurt myself. i've been struggling with my mental health for a while now. my doctor started me on new meds for manic depression. i stopped taking the antidepressant because it gave me serious side affects. so i was already feeling bad. & then on top of that still being harassed by my stalker continually just pushed me over the edge. every day i feel like i'm struggling just to wake up in the morning and then i get bombarded with unwanted harassment despite begging them to leave me alone. its been going on for years now & despite trying my hardest ignore it, it really affects me when i'm already feeling so low. i'm tired of feeling this way and i'm tired of having constant anxiety bc ppl can't just leave me alone or stop watching my every move. i'm sure i'll get harassed or made fun of just for even saying how i feel in this post. i will talk about how badly its affecting me and they always dispute it or deny even doing anything or flip it around on me and say i'm doing it to myself. i just feel so helpless. i feel so horrible about myself as it is bc of manic depression and having a rare illness that makes me sick 24/7 to the point where i can barely function. and maybe autism has something to do with my inability to cope (idk because i just recently got diagnosed and i'm still learning about living with autism) but feeling like shit about myself already sucks & then everything i say or do gets made fun of or picked apart by someone i've never met and all their friends. i just cannot take it anymore. the internet is what i use to express myself and it used to be a safe space for me to do that. autism makes me feel like a scared little girl most of the time. i feel like that all the time and now i have that feeling every time i use social media too. and this isn't me blaming anyone for wanting to hurt myself. i was already having a really hard time mentally. but the harassment just significantly added to the stress and anxiety. i'm at my breaking point. i sought professional help at the emergency room yesterday and i'm still waiting to be taken to mclean. I've been there before and i had a horrific experience and i begged them not to send me😭😭 im praying it will be better this time since i have no choice now. i'm under section 12 which means i can't leave willingly until i've been cleared by a doctor saying i'm not a threat to myself. i guess i'll just have to have hope that my experience at mclean won't make me feel worse than i already do now. all i want is fucking peace. my thoughts make me want to vomit and just being alive is exhausting. i want to get better for myself and my kids. and i'm hoping whatever therapist/psychiatrist they make me see will give me ways to cope with ppl attacking me because i literally cannot handle it the way i am right now. and hopefully maybe get on medication for depression and impulse control that actually works because i came so close to self harm relapsing multiple times yesterday. im glad i at least got to the hospital before that happened. i don't want anymore scars.

[nickolox]

((( long ramble post)))

trying to figure wtf is going on with your own mental health without the help of a professional + having a mental illness that already fucks with the way you perceive things (ocd) is genuine hell

like, I HAVE a psychiatrist, but he's fucking. awful and always puts medications first over like, figuring out what the fuck is going on

and everything about this whole procedure just feels like, off???

tldr: local man questions if he has The Dissociative Disorder™ whilst being simultaneously given red herrings and blatantly obvious eye opening signals at the same time, and has the same realizations 30 times over because i am in a constant cycle of denial, forgetting and then rediscovering this bullshit

so to put it in a nutshell most of my psychiatrist discussions about the big disorderly things go like this:

psych: so what are you experiencing me: i keep like, having these massive gaps in my memory, where i have no idea what happened or what i did or anythign for hours and hours at a time, and i looked up what that means and its apparently called dissociating? what does that mean? psych: right, that's a stress response. me: yeah, That makes sense. But I've also been unable to remember major events like my sister's wedding or my graduation... psych: well... obviously you were just anxious lol me: *remembers the photos i have as the only proof i have that those events happened, and im smiling in all of them* maybe?? i mean, it didn't seem like that was the case. psych: (completely ignores that) hmmm. okay. anyways- me: also I've been hearing voices??? psych: where? externally or internally? me: internally psych: (visible relief) oh thank god i was concerned it was schizophrenia for a moment, having an internal dialogue is normal :) me: i can't control the voices though, and they don't sound like my own voice in my mind. they're distinct, and it's not like my OCD either. psych: that's normal, sometimes people just imagine things ^_^

so, it was "anxiety" the first time, came back. told him this shit is still happening, and then he blamed it on my medications, and now i'm on a new set, which i suppose needed to happen anyways?

But like, he told me that brain fog and memory loss are a thing with prozac (what i was taking before) and i was like "huh no one told me that" to which he said "well no one says the full list of side effects because no one would want to take the meds otherwise"

i get home, i look up the fucking manual that comes with prozac when you go on it for the first time, and no where. NOWHERE. is this shit on that list of side effects. i look up a list of the side effects, dozens of sites, NOTHING!!!!

I speak with my bestie and he reminds me that,

I dealt with these problems prior to going on medication (something i didnt even remember, lol)

it has literally nothing to do with anxiety bc he himself has crippling anxiety and deals with none of the shit i do

i'm going to shit bricks dude what the fuck is wrong with my stupid brain, it feels like such a wild challenge compared to when i found out about my OCD, like, dude at least with that bitch it was consistent, it was 24/7. as shit as that was at least I knew it was always there, always there to be a bitch, but undeniable none the less.

This current mystery disorder is like, oooOOOooo i'm going to be here SOME OF THE TIME!!! to make you DOUBT it exists!!! and im sitting here like, is this a symptom or is this my ocd fucking with me bro

i feel like i might have some kind of dissociative disorder, but the problem I'm having is that it's not CONSISTENT??? like, some days I'll be like yeah this is the dream and then other days I cannot physically do anything, remember jack shit, feel like my soul is leaving my fucking body all god damn day?

why do people always talk about alters too, it's like, the one thing I don't experience, or at least, the one thing that's rare enough to not hinder me like the actual dissociation problems.

I feel like I can't be certain, and that sets my OCD off, because my brain goes "what if we're faking- what if you're overreacting" which in turn makes me go. insane. I am going insane.

there is sooo much more i could say, but i just realized it;s half past midnight. I should um. probably go to bed.

Goodnight.

[brvx4]

Therapeutic recollection of the two years that have passed.

I came back home three years ago, i was a mess, i was not in a good place and i can't relate to the person i was back then. I came back here with this desire to have fun and have friends, But I took a totally different route. I supposedly wanted to get a job, have good grades and study law. I was on some mdication or depression, and it altered my behaviour. I was very impulsive and agitated and i did not notice it at the time, but i was running away from home as much as i could. I did that through having a boyfriend that i was not in love with, who sexually assaulted me, He was not good for me and i didn't know what was good for me. I made many similar mistakes. I never upheld my boundaries, i people pleased but i was also self centered and stuck in my own pain. I thought i would come back to how things were before i left, that my friends would still be there, and that nothing would have changed. Everything around me was chaotic, my family was a mess and i felt lost and dirty, because of everything that happened. I still feel dirty. I felt invisible and i would want any kind of attention. I went through more traumatic events, at home and outside of the house with the new people i've met. The first boyfriend had issues with alcohol, and he was very reckless and scared me. I would ignore those feelings i got around him, especially when he would drink and drive recklessly, tell me stuff about him beating up others,or getting in trouble with the law, and his general disdain and lack of empathy towards others .But i would agree to anything he would say, and would be fascinated by him and his dangerous reckless attitude and his knowledge,that was until the car accident, where he raped me. I had no idea that i was being raped because i blamed myself for agreeing to make out and stuff, i did things i didn't want to do, i never wanted to have sex in a car. But i know it is rape because i asked him to stop many times, and i tried to get him off me using my hands and arms, but i couldn't, and when i couldn't anymore my body kind of gave up and i guess that's what they call dissassociating. I stopped moving and waited for it to end. And i stopped feeling pain as well. Even though that happened i was not aware that that's what it was at the time. And i had sex with him again another time, but i felt cheap and dirty. After this he disappeared for a month, and said he was in a motorcycle accident, got badly injured and his friend got paralysed. Yte to this day i cannot believe him, because he broke up with me after one month. He said some mean things to me, and just left. I became a laughing stock for my mom. The nature of the sociaty i live in is very harsh. It's a conservative and muslim society, and mee not being a virgin, with my mother knowing, got me to be verbally abused by her, and treated differently than say my brother. Because to her that is a bad thing, and i know that she is projecting her own trauma and shame bcs she is a survivor or SA. But that's another story.

When he broke up with me, i quickly got another boyfriend, and this one was overtly narcissistic. He was everyting i hated yet somehow i just went along with it. Now i think those words that were degrading to me somehow got to me and i was morphing myelf into something i was not, i was trying to escape and marry anyone who would say they wanted to marry me. And i had no boundaries, which made me easy to manipulate. This guy was abusive in the way that at first he love bombed me and i love bombed him back, somehow he convinced me to get off my meds, i would spend every day with him, and i was a laughing stock but i had no idea. At some point, when i realised i was being controled and monitored and also isolated, i snapped and broke up with him and blocked him. He harassed me for a while, but then it just stopped. But the hard part was that i was not on medication anymore and i stopped cold turkey. to be continued...