#i can't believe it so i wrote a fic to help me cope with the fact that there will no longer be charlos bcs what the actual fcuk

[xdacted]

not here

Pairing: Reader x Carlos Sainz Jr.

Warnings: pure 100% fluff, nothing but fluff, the tiniest hint of angst, but mostly fluff

Word Count: 500

Status: Completed

Carlos didn’t get to see her as often as he wanted. 

He didn’t even get to see her as often as he needed. There was always something pulling him away. Always a phone call to be taken, an autograph to be signed, an interview to be helped - always something. 

But not now. 

Not here. 

Not in the quiet hours of the morning, just before daybreak, the sun resting below the horizon. The moon cast pure light through the windows, moonbeams dancing across their sheets, stars twinkling beside them. Her arms curled around a pillow, legs tangled together. He didn’t know where he began and she ended, but he liked it that way. The lingering night breeze brushed against his bare skin, sweeping through the windows. The world outside fluttered awake, but Carlos had her here. 

Pressed to her back, arms tucked around her waist, buried in the thicket of her hair. Carlos couldn’t see her face, but he had memorized it. Each shadow, each line, each curve - each beautiful feature was committed to memory. The soft sound of her snores filled their room, her heartbeat steady against his skin. 

Not a thing could reach them here. 

He liked it that way. 

Carlos leaned down, pressing a chaste kiss to the exposed skin of her shoulder, “Hermosa.”

His voice was too quiet to wake her, but he liked to see her nose twitch at the sound. 

Beautiful. 

Moments like these, where the world seemed to still for just a second, made the distance agonizing. Separated by oceans, miles of land, hours of the day - it was painful. Race weekends were filled with exhilaration and adrenaline. Race weekends were also filled with a clawing sense of breathlessness. 

He couldn’t breathe. 

But here, laying beside her without a care in the world, he breathed. 

Carlos breathed. 

Inhaling the scent of her shampoo and the dying hints of her perfume, she filled his lungs.

He breathed. 

She turned in his arms with a heavy sigh, burrowing into his chest. Carlos couldn’t help but smile, tightening his arms around her. 

He didn’t see her as often as he wanted, but she was here now. 

Behind him, the sun began to rise, warmth trailing up his back. Soft rays crawled up the sky, spilling across her skin, and coiling in her hair. Carlos leaned down, pressing another kiss to her cheek and neck. She groaned, scrunching her eyebrows together. 

A gentle laugh rumbled from his chest, dropping another kiss to her nose, “Hermosa…”

“...stop watching me sleep…”

Her voice was scratchy and unused, the corner of her lip quirked to reveal the smallest hint of a smile. 

“But you’re so beautiful,” He whispered, nuzzling into her neck, “How can I help myself?”

A giggle fell from her lips like wind chimes singing together - beautiful. 

“It’s creepy,” She stretched, arms winding around his neck, “Better only be for me.”

“Of course,” He said, “No one but you.”

After all, not a thing could reach them. 

Not here. 

_____________________

A/N:This work has been cross-posted on Wattpad and AO3. All are under the name XDACTED. Thank you for reading and feel free to request fics about any of the drivers <3

Also this is my attempt at trying to get out of my writing slump, it's short, it's sweet. I like it, so pls enjoy

[peanutpinet]

hihi!! really love the mini nct-mafia universe that you’ve created 🥹 i was hoping if you could write jaemin next..i was thinking of jaemin being a little cold to others but only soft towards y/n (and of course jeno)..i’ll leave the plot up to you but i thought it’ll be cute if there’s a scene where y/n helps to undress jaemin to take care of him..so like angst/fluff/suggestive all blended in one! thank you and i’m sorry if it’s so specific 🥲🥲

Trauma - Mafia! Na Jaemin x Innocent! Fem Reader

A/N: Hi anon!! Thank you for requesting the fic! I actually was already planning to write for mafia Jaemin and since you requested him as well, it motivated me even more to write!

Also, apologies if I took way too long and if the story isn't how you actually want it to go but I do hope that you enjoy it as much as I wrote it. There are lots of heavy trigger warnings that you have to pay attention to!

Trigger Warning: trauma experience, character death (not MC), grief, revenge, murder, blood loss, torture (excessive), explosion. -> I'm sorry if this isn't all but I will try to update it in case I missed anything

Synopsis: Being the son of the famous Nam Goongmin came with a heavy price to pay for Jaemin. Though Taeyong managed to get Jaemin out of his father’s mafia business and helped him to heal, there was still some trauma that Jaemin had yet to face. Until he came across a girl that he would soon learn that he can't always run from his problems

Water to Fire. Winter to Spring. Sunshine to Rain. They were all opposites of each other yet people kept on saying that opposites then to attract one another. Jaemin had never believed such things until he saw his parents. His father was the ruthless mafia whereas his mother was a kindhearted school teacher. Despite their contradicting characteristics, they were like magnets and attracted each other in a good way just like sunshine and rain coming together to create a rainbow.

Though Jaemin knew that his father didn’t have the best job, being one of the most feared mafia in South Korea before NCT became a thing was a reputation that Jaemin had to live for years until his mother passed away; and not in a peaceful way.

Jaemin knew that with the amount of power and wealth his father had, came all the enemies as well. Enemies who either wanted his father dead for hundreds of different reasons. Murder. Fraud. Stealing. Jaemin didn’t know how far his father was in crime because his mother made sure that he wouldn’t have to see his father at one of the most gruesome scenes that might as well come from the action/thriller drama that he watched.

Sadly, those moments were all but just memories to Jaemin. Everything happened as quickly as his memories could remember. One sunny morning, the day before Jaemin’s 18th birthday, he was going off to school and the same evening he went back home, it started raining but he still went home smiling knowing that he got a perfect score on his biology test, a recommendation letter from all of his science teacher and that his mom promised that they would bake today.

But when he arrived at the front door, Jaemin knew that something was wrong. Quietly, Jaemin took off his shoes and took the nearest thing that he could use as a weapon and went in. Though Jaemin was sheltered from the gruesome life of his father, the old man actually taught him every self-defence technique he knew. From hand-to-hand combat to even using a gun, Jaemin knew it all. But what his father had not taught him was how to cope with his feelings or a life that he took with his own hands.

That day will forever haunt Jaemin’s memory as the day of his first kill, the day of his mother’s death, and the day that he knew that he was his father’s son. When Jaemin’s father came home that night, he was just as distraught as his son. Both instantly mourn the loss of their beloved wife and mother. It was the first time that Jaemin’s dad actually let Jaemin into the horrifying world that he lived in.

Out for revenge, Jaemin had no mercy for anyone who would prevent him or his father from getting back at the one who took the light out of their dark thoughts. But even when Jaemin finally got a taste of revenge. It didn’t satisfy him and instead, he quickly realised his actions before it was too late.

His mother taught him better. His mother always taught him to never hate anyone as most people who do evil things were also once good. So Jaemin did what he could do. Run. Jaemin ran away from all his dark side; his father.

Jaemin knew that no matter how far or fast he ran, his father would always find him. But it seemed that his mother must’ve sent some guardian angels because right as Jaemin was cornered by some of his father’s most trusted men, some other men came and saved Jaemin, killing his father’s men in the process.

It was that day did Jaemin joined Taeyong into NCT and became one of the core members of NCT. But unlike the other members who also have daytime jobs, Jaemin prefers to just stay at the base and stand by whilst studying medicine with Kun. Though Taeyong still forces Jaemin to go follow Jeno along because Jeno was one of the only members that Jaemin talks to and eventually Jeno manages to convince Jaemin to at least intern and later work in NCT’s hospital under Kun on the early morning of weekdays.

For the most part of Jaemin’s life in NCT, not once did he ever complain. Not once did Jaemin want something more like his friend Jeno who is a famous racer. Not once did Jaemin ever go against NCT’s leader, Taeyong, like sometimes Haechan did. Though Jaemin has become more social than his first year in NCT, Taeyong has yet to completely understand Jaemin.

In reality, Jaemin stayed with NCT because he hoped that one day if he were to have to face his father again, he would face him without being scared. After years of being with NCT and even becoming a surgeon in Neo Hospital under Kun, Jaemin slowly finds a new routine and he slowly finds that by helping other people, it relieves a part of him that remembers all the bad things his father had done towards multiple innocent people.

As days passed, Jaemin has slowly forgotten about meeting his father again. Instead, Jaemin wants to avoid having to meet his father ever again if it were possible. Jaemin was content with the life he has now and wants to continue to just live his life without the constant worry of having to deal with his father or the mess he made; at least, until a recent patient that he had to deal with.

It was in the middle of a weekend night, right when Taeyong suddenly dismissed him and told Jaemin to just go back home despite Taeyong just finished torturing a guy who kidnapped the intern for Neo-Tech and helped build the Satellite tracker.

But right as Jaemin was about to go back to his place, Jeno suddenly called him and said that there was a sudden accident right when he and his girlfriend were on their way home and some weird men were chasing an injured girl.

“I got no idea why they were chasing them but I figured to call you not only to help the girl but I also feel that you should know. Those weird men mentioned that they were under your father’s name” Jeno mentioned, making Jaemin stop in his tracks

“I’m on my way. I’ll call the nurse to handle it before I get there. Just drive to the emergency entrance” Jaemin replied, turning off his call with Jeno, going into his car and rushing to the hospital

Along the way, Jaemin called the nurse in his hospital and told them to go to the emergency room and help a girl that Jeno was bringing. Jaemin also told the nurse to ask for Kun to help before he arrived there.

Within minutes, Jaemin arrived at the hospital and immediately went to get changed and head to the surgery room. Before going in, Jaemin saw Jeno who was bloody with his girlfriend sitting by the entrance. “Jaem…” Jeno called out to his friend who was just about to head into the surgery room.

“You should take her home. I can handle it here” Jaemin replied but Jeno seemed hesitant. “Your girlfriend is practically asleep, Jen. You’re also covered with blood. Plus I’m not alone. Kun-hyung is here. Go” Jaemin reassured Jeno who stood up, carrying his sleeping girlfriend

“Call me if anything happens. I’m not just a member. I’m your friend, too” Jeno mentioned before Jaemin went into the surgery room

In the surgery room, Jaemin apologised to Kun for being late but Kun didn’t question him. “I’ll question you after the surgery. Jeno came in here bloody and said that you wouldn’t want anyone outside of NCT to know about this” Kun mentioned

“Probably for the best” Jaemin replied and immediately got to work with Kun

Because Jeno managed to stop the bleeding by using a cloth and putting pressure on it, Jaemin and Kun managed to stitch up the girl with no problem. But aside from the deep wound, Jaemin noticed that the girl also had several bruises all over her body, a cut lip, and even a few fractured bones.

After moving the girl into a secluded patient room, Kun and Jaemin went into Kun’s office where Kun made a cup of warm tea before getting into the talk. “I won’t tell Taeyong if you don’t want me to” Kun reassured Jaemin who has been quiet since the surgery

“She’s related to my father” Jaemin mentioned, making Kun stop drinking his drink and look at the younger one. “Not in a way that you would think. Jeno said that she was being chased by some men. When Jeno got to her, she was already bruised and everything. Jeno thought that he was just helping someone but didn’t realise until too late that the men were working for my father” Jaemin explained

“You know. You’re not really obligated to actually find out about her or her relationship with your father if you don’t want to. You can always just ignore her and think that you never met her” Kun mentioned. “I’m not saying that you should run away from your problems but…” Kun added but Jaemin stopped him

“I know that someday I’m going to have to face him again after all these years. If so, I might as well get it over with. Thanks hyung, but I’m going to try and find out and maybe face my father. All I ask is to not tell Taeyong-hyung about it until I’m sure that she truly has something to do with my father” Jaemin mentioned, leaving Kun to see the girl

Jaemin’s POV

Reaching the girl’s room, I went in and received an overview of her profile from Haechan. “You owe me big. Taeyong-hyung almost caught me for this”. Going over her profile, I noticed that the girl, (y/n) has gone through a rough childhood.

“3 different foster homes in the span of 20 years?! Geez. Either she was trouble or those foster homes are actually as shitty as I know” I thought to myself, glancing over (y/n) who was sweating and whimpering.

Turning off the screen to my tab, I walked closer. Grabbing a soft cloth, I started to wipe the sweat that was building up on her forehead until I was close enough to hear her whimpers.

“p-please…” (y/n) whimpered. “leave my mom alone. Let me go” (y/n) suddenly screamed, jolting from the bed

“Hey, hey, no one is going to hurt you” I mentioned, looking at (y/n) who was now sitting, her chest was going up and down faster than normal

“You’re alright but I would suggest you to rest again. Let’s put you to sleep again” I mentioned, coming closer but she flinched when my hand was just reaching her shoulders

Sighing, I pulled my hands away and tucked them into my pockets. “Look. I’m a doctor here. I’m not going to hurt you or anything. If I was going to hurt you, I’d done it already” I bluntly mentioned as (y/n) just eyed me from top to bottom

“Jaemin…” she read my nametag. “You look like him. I, I thought…” (y/n) finally said a sentence

“Who? Who do I look like? What were you thinking if I look like someone?” I asked but (y/n) didn’t utter another word. “Do I look like Nam Goongmin?” I asked, the name felt foreign that my voice cracked a bit but luckily, I got some kind of answer as (y/n) nodded

“You’ve met him before” I mentioned. It wasn’t a question

Another nod which made my next sigh rougher than the previous one. “Look, if you have anything to say to me regarding him, just tell me. Or if you know about him. Or if you’re involved with him. I’m not a mind reader” I rambled

“He mentioned your name before” (y/n) finally said something again but I didn’t cut her off. I wanted her to keep talking. “He mentioned that I reminded him of his son. How I wasn’t considerate and thankful that he helped me find a foster home b-but…” (y/n) started to cry

“He helped you look for a foster home? But why? Sorry for being blunt but I doubt that he would let himself get involved with someone like you unless you or someone you know is involved with him” I mentioned

“H-he, he killed my dad and then my mom. He killed them because they worked for him but eventually cut ties with him” (y/n) cried, probably remembering the dark times she had to face

“What do you remember?” I asked, handing a clean cloth for her to wipe her tears

“My dad was his colleague. He helped supply the things that Nam Goongmin couldn’t easily get his hands on. But when I reached a certain age, my dad just cut ties with him” (y/n) added

“Were you home when your parents were killed?” I asked and (y/n) nodded

“My parents hid me, along with files of Nam Goongmin. Files that if they were to be released to the public, would ruin everything that he had built” (y/n) replied, perking up my interest

“When was the last time you saw him?” I asked, wanting to know more

“Months ago. He found me while I was working at a convenience store late at night. I didn’t know who he was at first until he brought up my parents’ name” (y/n) replied. “At first, he didn’t ask the files. He just told me about his history with my dad which honestly shocked me. I was so scared that he would do something to me but instead, he just left”

“But you mentioned that you were in foster homes? Did you run away?” I asked

“Ever since my parents passed away, which was when I was 14, I was put in an adoption center but turns out I was put into foster homes. At first, I didn’t notice anything strange until one night in my first foster home, I heard him again. I ran away after finding out. I was then put into another foster home at 15 but it was the same thing. I found out they were associated with him and ran away. The last one was the most brutal one. They didn’t sugarcoat anything and I was treated like a slave until I told them where I hid the file. When I saw a chance, I ran away once again. I managed to hide from them for the past 2 years because I ran away by the time I reached 18 years old and started working part-time in a few places. Up until now at least” (y/n) ended her story

“So, where did you actually hide the files then?” I asked as (y/n) just looked at me

“Don’t you think it’s only fair that I ask you after explaining to you, not knowing if I can trust you or not” (y/n) mentioned

“Nam Goongmin…he’s my father” I mentioned, shocking (y/n)

The next morning rolled around quicker than I wanted. I ended up not going back home and stayed in (y/n)’s room since I was the one who booked her the VIP room. While (y/n) was sleeping, I checked on all the files that Haechan sent me just to double-check her background because she could be lying and actually working with my father.

Jeno came along with Renjun and Haechan, bringing something for me to eat which I realised that I hadn’t eaten anything since the surgery the other night. The four of us sat in my office as I told them about what happened the other night.

“So her story and what Haechan sent you checked out? She’s not lying?” Renjun asked, munching on the burger that he bought upon coming to the hospital

“As far as I read the background. Yeah. Unless you have something else up your sleeve, Haechan?” I asked, looking over to him who was stuffing his face with french fries

“That’s all I found. And I’ve used the big bois. Perks of having parents that used to be in the mafia I supposed. Can manipulate what information would be put out there well until they were dead at least” Haechan shrugged

“What are you planning to do then, Jaem? I mean, you used to say that you don’t want to get involved with your dad ever again. What changed?” Jeno asked but I too didn’t quite have the answer yet

“Part of me doesn’t like the idea of what dad has become. Regardless, he was still my father and he honestly raised me well. He was there for my childhood. It was truly like he wanted me in his life. But when my mom was killed, guess that’s when he went haywire and made a killing spree. I want him to atone for what he did. Killing innocent people is wrong and he had never done it until my mom passed away” I mentioned

“So, you want to put him behind bars?” Haechan asked

“It’s more complicated…” I mumbled when a knock was heard. “Who is it?” I asked, standing from my seat, eyeing my members who suddenly went serious mode

“Dr Na, your patient is here to see you” the nurse exclaimed, making my members sigh of relief

“Yes, of course. Just bring her in” I mentioned and the nurse brought (y/n) on a wheelchair into my office. “I’ll handle it from here, you can leave” I told the nurse

“So this is the famous (y/n)” Haechan smirked while I instantly eyed him, helping (y/n) into my office

“Ignore him, he’s always that playful. I’m Renjun, that’s Jeno over there” Renjun mentioned, giving a smile at (y/n). The same goes for Jeno

“You’re the one that helped me!” (y/n) exclaimed as Jeno nodded. “That would be me. I’m glad that you’re alright now. Also, I know Jaemin might seem cold and unapproachable but he’s pretty nice” Jeno mentioned, making me groan

“I never got to thank you. Thank you, for saving me. If you hadn’t, I would’ve…” (y/n) rambled but Jeno shook his head. “Don’t worry about it. Thank Jaemin as well for saving you. I just helped a bit. He’s the saviour here. I mean, he’s dubbed the miracle doctor here because the amount of times Jaemin has been able to save people who are in critical condition is crazy” Jeno mentioned, which honestly made me flustered

“I think I’m just lucky this time, to be able to meet kind people to help me” (y/n) shyly stated

“It’s not luck. No one deserves to die honestly. Anyways, you can trust my friends here. They, they know about my history with my father” I stated. “You can tell us where you hid the files and we’ll help retrieve them. I promise that there’s nothing to worry about. You’re completely safe here” I added on, making (y/n) smiled

“Thank you” (y/n) uttered. “But I’m sorry that this might seem like I’m asking a lot but actually, I hid it at my old house. The one where I used to live with my parents. I figure that it would be the best place to hide it since Nam Goongmin wouldn’t think to look at an old abandoned house where he killed people that he probably don’t remember” (y/n) explained and I looked over at Haechan who was still stuffing his face with food but his face was serious as he was typing away on his computer

“Is this the house?” Haechan asked, showing us all his laptop that showed a house. “Y-yeah, how did you?” (y/n) asked but Haechan shrugged. “It’s one of my many talents”

“Alright then, we should leave tonight. It’ll be easier so we won’t be seen” Jeno pointed out and the others started to pack their things. “I’ll also fill in Yangyang and Shotaro on our plan so that they could help with the file. Haechan, you, Renjun and Shotaro should prepare on the equipment we need. I’ll ask Yangyang for a vehicle and…” Jeno added but (y/n) cut him off

“Is, is it alright if I come along? I mean. I’m the one that knows where it’s hidden. Plus. I, I want to get something from the house” (y/n) asked

“Honestly, I don’t think it would be the best idea for you to come. You’re still injured and…” Jeno replied

“I just want to get my old family photobook. I promise that’s it” (y/n) argued

“I think it’s alright if she goes. We’ll all be there and I’ll keep a watch on her and then get her out as soon as she gets her photobook” I added on, making Jeno sigh

“Fine. But we have to move quickly. Taeyong-hyung doesn’t know about this and even if he does, we have to be fast, alright?” Jeno stated and everyone nodded

After the short meeting, I brought (y/n) back to her room, making her rest up a bit more while I went back to my office and changed into my nightwear mission gear and taking the female clothes I asked someone to buy for me to (y/n)’s room; telling her to change while we wait for Jeno to come.

“Just asking. How long have you been doing this?” I heard (y/n) asked

“For a few years. I was found by my now leader at 18 and ever since I was taken in, was taught everything I know and was given the opportunity to be something that I’ve always wanted as a kid” I told her, remembering the early days when Taeyong-hyung and Jeno first found me

“Do, do you guys like, I don’t know, kill people? Sell drugs or human trafficking?” (y/n) asked, making me chuckle at her thought. “Wh-why are you laughing? Is this all just a trick and you’re actually working with…” (y/n) rambled but I stopped her before she could say that man’s name

“No. We’re not like him. Not every mafia is bad. At least not us. I used to think the same until my leader brought me in. We’re considered a mafia group because we deal with other dirty crime organizations through some illegal methods which to the public, it might seem wrong but basically, we help the government do more of the dirty work. But we never went as far as killing. Torture? Yes. I’ll tell you that upfront. Especially to those who betray us” I explained, looking at (y/n) who looked nervous

“Don’t worry. As long as you’re not involved with the people in our wanted list, there’s nothing to worry about. Are you ready to go?” I asked as (y/n) slowly nodded

“Alright, come with me then” I mentioned, nudging (y/n) to walk right beside me. “Whatever happens there, I’ll be by your side and I expect you to do the same. Don’t walk ahead, don’t walk behind. I have to make sure that nothing happens to you, got it?” I stated as we walked into the private elevator and (y/n) nodded

Arriving at (y/n)’s house, Jeno told Haechan, Renjun and Shotaro to stay hidden as he, Yangyang, (y/n) and I go into the house and find the files along with the photobook that (y/n) wanted. Because (y/n) was the only one who knew where both the items were, we stuck close to her, practically forming a human wall around her to make sure that there weren’t any threats.

“Haechan, any sign of anyone nearby?” Jeno asked. “Nope. It’s all clear. Unless you count some stray cats nearby which they’re very big and chubby” Haechan joked

“Jaem, you accompany (y/n). Yangyang and I will stay downstairs, just in case. Once you’ve gotten the files, toss it to me and I’ll have Yangyang hand it to Haechan and the others, kay?” Jeno instructed and I nodded in acknowledgement

(y/n) and I went upstairs, and I noticed from some of the ripped, broken images that (y/n) seemed to be an only child and that there weren’t really any other family members except for her parents. “D-do you not have any like uncles or aunts to take you in at the time?” I asked as (y/n) rummage around a room that seems to be a master bedroom based on the size and linked bathroom

“Unfortunately, no. As far as I know, my parents are both only childs and even if there were, I doubt they want to take a burden in” (y/n) chuckled dryly, making me feel bad for asking

“I’m sorry to hear that but you should know that no one is a burden. Especially those under 18. You didn’t ask to be born. None of us asked for it and you shouldn’t push yourself because of what happened. This universe might’ve fucked up some things in everyone’s life but the moment you’re given just one chance to change your fate, take it. Exploit it if you can as long as you hurt no one. You deserve to enjoy your life” I stated, trying to cheer (y/n) up

“You know, I lived my life in uncertainty and everything changed with my mom was killed and I thought that this universe hated me until my now leader and Jeno found me. They gave me a new life and I’m doing much better now. Why don’t you come with us when all of this is over?” I offered, catching (y/n)’s attention

“I doubt that you guys would want me. I don’t even know what I’m good at” (y/n) replied, her voice became much softer than before

“Don’t worry about that. Everyone doesn’t know what they’re good at because they just simply were never given the chance to. But I promise you that as stone-cold as some of my members are, they are all caring for each other and would always help one another. Just consider it. And if you decided you want to, I’ll talk with my leader about it” I replied, offering (y/n) a smile, making her smile back

“T-thank you, Jaemin. Really. No one has ever offered me this far” (y/n) mentioned, making me frown

“That’s probably because they don’t understand the pain you go through; especially after losing your parents. Let’s hurry and find the file and your photobook then we can continue this conversation” I stated as (y/n) nodded

(y/n) quickly scrambled to the bed of the room and went underneath the covers, ripping it and taking something out of the mattress which turns out to be the USB. “Is that the files?” I asked as (y/n) nodded. “Yeah, I kept it here because this room and bed reminded me about my parents. How I would crawl into their room in the middle of the night because of nightmares when I was younger. And eventually sleep between them” (y/n) replied, making me smile

“Can I take the USB from you? I promise that my members and I will bring justice to your parents and all the innocent people whose life were ruined by Nam Goongmin” I stated, extending my hand as (y/n) handed the USB over

“Jen, I got it. We’re upstairs in the master bedroom. (y/n) is looking for the photobook” I stated in my earcom. “I’m going up” Jeno replied

Jeno then came within seconds and took the USB. Jeno told me to take care of (y/n) while he went to Haechan and handed the USB over to check the files before going back to the base. I told Jeno that he and Yangyang could just go with the others because (y/n) and I were only finding the photobook.

Despite being unsure of my request, Jeno eventually compiled and told me that if anything were to happen, I should just call him or the base; regardless of whether Taeyong-hyung knows or not. Because in the end, whether I like it or not, I will have to tell Taeyong-hyung about this.

After Jeno left, I continued to help (y/n) find the photobook she was looking for. We eventually turned the already messed up house into basically a destroyed ship. But luckily, we managed to find the photobook that (y/n) was looking and I instantly told the others that we were done and were going to head back to my place.

As we went downstairs, I suddenly heard a clock ticking. I looked around and saw an old grandfather clock that was ticking. Which was strange because I swore that when we all went into the house, the only noise that could be heard were our voices, the sounds of our shoes on the old hardwood floor, and even our breathing. But not once did I hear any ticking noise.

Not wanting to find out, I quickly wrapped an arm around (y/n) and dragged her out of the house. But before we could get out, the clock struck 3 am and instantly, everything became a blur. One moment I was reaching the door handle to open the door and the next, I was having a hard time breathing and was lying on my back.

Blinking several times, I tried to regain my vision after almost blacking out but everything was still a blur. My nose smelled some smoke and as I used my hands to try to get me up, I noticed that the house behind me was in flames.

Regardless of my weak state, I called out to (y/n) and tried to scan my surroundings with whatever vision I had but I felt everything spinning around and was suddenly met with a fist on my cheek; making me fall to the ground and cough up blood.

Suddenly, I felt two people holding each of my arms respectively as I was now kneeling on the ground. I tried to fight them off but knowing my weak state from the sudden explosion, I couldn’t do anything. But what caught me off-guard was the person who walked and stood right in front of me. The man who made me have my first kill, the man who I thought was good because of how he loved my mother, the man who shared the same DNA as I did. My father, Nam Goongmin.

“I thought I told you manners on how to greet your elderly, Na Jaemin” my father chuckled, grabbing a chunk of my hair, roughly pulling my head back, making me look at him

Even though my vision was still blurry, I could recognize that tone and sinister smirk from anywhere. “You don’t deserve any manners or respect from me” I coughed up, spitting some blood that landed on my father’s suit and face

“You still haven’t changed, have you? A doctor now are you?” my father stated, not really asking me

“W-was the least I could do, after what you’ve done. You can try to kill as many innocent people but I’ll be the one that’ll save them” I argued back, my father roughly letting my hair go

“Oh, you might want to save that breath of yours because you’re going to need it” my father uttered, I could feel his breath by my ear. “You and your little gang have something that I’ve been looking for years” my father whispered as I turned to eye him

“Let’s test how eager you are to save a life, shall we? That troublesome girl will be your time limit. Right now, she’s practically as injured as you are. The difference is. You’re going to be rescued by your little team while she gets to hang out with me” my father stated, making me try to release the grip of his men

“With every second you don’t come back, I’m going to draw her blood out of her. Slowly. With each day passing and you do not give me back those files, I’ll have to find out which organ I want to sell to the black market first. And if those files ever get released to the public? I’ll give you a little present. For all the years that I’ve been gone from your life” my father stated when suddenly I was injected with a sleeping drug and the grip on each of my arms were gone as I drifted off to sleep, and my body unconsciously fell to the ground with the thought of (y/n) in my mind

NCT Base - 8:25 pm (still Jaemin’s POV)

The sound of a beeping monitor slowly matched with the beat of my heart as I slowly woke up from my slumber for who knows how long. When I opened my eyes and slowly scanned the room, I noticed that I was in the patient room back in the base.

When I closed my eyes again, I remembered my father’s threat and immediately jerked on the bed. “Shit Jaemin, are you okay?! Let me get Kun-hyung” I heard Jeno stated but I managed to grip his wrist. “How long was I out?” I asked

“About more than 12 hours. Not long after we left, I felt something was off. I tried to contact you through our earcom but it was muffled. I told Haechan to just go while I drove one of our emergency borrowed cars and went back to the house. By the time I arrived, the house was in flames and you passed out on the ground, bruises and blood everywhere. But I didn’t see (y/n) at all” Jeno explained

“Shit. My dad. H-he caused the explosion. He knew that we would go to the house. He knew that (y/n) must’ve hid the files there and would have to retrieve it. Where’s the files right now?” I asked, trying to get out of bed but Jeno stopped me

“Woah. I know that your dad is insane and we should save (y/n) but you’re injured pretty badly right now. You gotta rest. Especially since you have to face…” Jeno ranted but we heard several footsteps coming into the room

“Is he awake?!” both Jeno and I heard Taeyong-hyung’s voice and suddenly the door was slammed open and Taeyong-hyung along with Kun, Mark, and Doyoung came in

“Tell me why the hell is there a 150ml of blood bag with your fucking name on it arrived at the hospital when the blood is clearly not yours?!” Taeyong-hyung demanded, showing me the blood bag

“Shit. He’s actually serious. Fuck. Hyung, where’s the files?” I asked back but Taeyong-hyung didn’t budge. “Who is he, Jaemin?! You’re my member. My core member. And Kun received this right as he finished handling another patient. So no, Jaemin, I won’t let you know anything about the files until you explain yourself” Taeyong-hyung growled and I was trying to put together some words to not make the situation worse

“He’s back isn’t he?” Taeyong-hyung stated, sending chills as I remembered the incident

“He’s after the files, isn’t he, Jaemin?” Taeyong-hyung asked as I slowly nodded. “Everyone but Jeno, out” Taeyong-hyung stated as the others left the room but Jeno. “You know something as well, Jeno. I’ll deal with the other 00 boys later” Taeyong-hyung added

“Tell me everything, Jaemin. What happened, how did you get those files, whose blood is this and what did Nam Goongmin threaten you” Taeyong demanded and I told him everything that had happened. From when Jeno brought (y/n) to the hospital to going to her house and even facing my father on my own

“I know meeting him would not end well but this?! This is out of my prediction” Taeyong-hyung grunted, messing up his hair before slicking it back again

“We can’t release the files. (y/n) would be instantly killed” I argued

“I know that. But we need to find where your father is first which Jungwoo is already in the process of finding through the satellite tracker. In the meantime, Haechan already duplicated the files and we’ll hand the original file back” Taeyong-hyung mentioned

“You figured it out when I was passed out, didn’t you, hyung?” I asked back when Taeyong-hyung explained on the current situation he’s handling which always amazed me

“I keep tabs on my members. I know about your father coming to find you because that was the reason why he sent someone to kidnap the intern under Jungwoo. But I wouldn’t expect another person outside of NCT to be involved. Guess I should’ve expected it since it already happened with Jeno and Haechan” Taeyong-hyung chuckled

“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to worry you. I also didn’t expect my father to have everything figured out and was basically a step ahead of me” I grunted

“Jaemin. Whether you like it or not, your dad was in the mafia way before me and the other oldest members in the group. He might be out of touch with the current generation unlike us, but he always has that sinister, manipulative mind that somehow always manages to turn the situation around. No matter what, your dad is not someone we can take on lightly like Jeno or Haechan’s situation” Taeyong-hyung stated when suddenly we heard a knock on the door, revealing to be Jungwoo

“Hyung. I found him” Jungwoo-hyung stated and Taeyong-hyung told him to come and show us

Jungwoo-hyung came in and showed the exact location of where my father was and it turns out, he was back at my old house. The house that I abandoned since my mother was killed. “Of course he would be there” I growled

“That’s not all, Jaemin. As I found him, there was a sudden file that was delivered to me. I didn’t want to open it until I see Taeyong-hyung” Jungwoo-hyung mentioned, showing us the mystery file that he received

“Open it, Jungwoo” Taeyong-hyung mentioned and upon opening the file, I could feel my stomach twist and nearly puke upon seeing the file because it was a video of (y/n) who was unconscious and tied to a bed, getting her blood slowly drawn out and a figure coming behind her and slowly picking up a scalpel before the video went black, showing several numbers.

“Hyung…” I grunted, Jeno taking a bucket and shoving it towards me. “Go ahead, no one is going to judge you” Jeno tried to joke

“It’s a countdown” Taeyong-hyung stated. “Looks like your dad still isn’t a patient man. Are you okay to go?” Taeyong-hyung asked

“I have to. I’m not letting him kill another innocent person. Not when I can actually do something about it. I failed to protect my mom and spent the past few years to try and atone for what my father has done. I’m not going to sit this one out just because I have a few bruises and injuries” I stated, getting up from my bed

“It’ll most likely be a trap. Your dad would instantly kill her upon seeing the rest of us but if you go alone, there’s no telling what will happen. Your dad could have mercy on you but not on the girl or he might be very merciful and spare both of you. Either way, I won’t sit tight and let you handle everything alone, alright?” Taeyong-hyung stated, patting my shoulder

Jaemin’s Old House - 1:38 am

Right as my car came to a stop, I took a deep breath before walking out and facing the very problem that I’ve been running away from for the past 6 years of my life. As I slowly opened the door, memories of what used to be a happy childhood slowly flooded back but this time with the smell of dirt, trash, and even blood mixed in.

Standing by the door, I was met with multiple other men with their guns all loaded, pointing at me as I looked up at my father who was standing on the 2nd floor, looking as sharp as I remembered him from the day when I last saw him. The last day that I ever agreed to do anything with him. To get revenge on my dead mother.

“I’m assuming you come here with what I requested?” my father asked and I pulled the USB from the inner corner of my jacket, raising it up to show him

“All the files about you. About what you’ve done. About every corrupted person you have helped. Every innocent person you have killed. Every track of your dirty money in and out. Every weapon and drug you own and sell. They’re all in here” I stated, none of my father’s men lowered their weapons

“Hand over the USB and put down every weapon you have” my father instructed me. “Search him just in case” my father added

I handed the USB to one of his men as I took out my guns, knife, pepper spray, and every other weapon I had in hand. Two of his men held me by the arm and another searched me completely before taking away all of my weapons, telling my father that I was already clean.

His men who took the USB went upstairs and handed it to my father. My father then took it and plugged it into the laptop to check every single file personally. “You really have turned soft, haven’t you, Jaemin? All this information for just a girl?” my father questioned

“Just a girl? You killed her parents. She didn’t deserve to continue her life like that. She had no one. No one deserves to live like that. Just because you were like that, doesn’t mean someone else should” I argued back and without warning, my father fired a bullet that grazed my cheek

“Know your place, boy. Remember it was me that helped bring you to this world. Without me, you wouldn’t be alive or breathing right now. Her father wasn’t as innocent if she ever told you the truth, that is. His father was associated with me as in they were the ones that sourced all the weapons and drugs that I sell. So, regardless, they weren’t all that good” my father argued back as well

“Doesn’t mean you should kill them. No one deserves to be killed” I stated but what my father said next hit me more than a bullet would. “Yet your mother was killed”

“If you recall, your mother was murdered, Na Jaemin. She didn’t die due to some illness or of old age. She was murdered cold-blooded. She did nothing wrong yet she was still murdered. You’re only partially right. Not everyone deserves to be killed. Some do” my father stated.

“As shitty as some people are, including you, no one still deserves to be killed” I stood my argument

“You sure about that? Don’t you remember the time when you practically forced yourself to come with me to find your mother’s killer? That you wanted to pull the trigger yourself. Yet, it didn’t satisfy you enough, did it? If anything, you’ve always been a coward. I taught you everything. Yet, you never dared to go above and beyond” my father complained

“My mother never taught me to do anything bad. Plus, she was the reason why you were also soft at some point in your life. She would be disappointed with how you’ve changed. At least I’m trying to atone for what you and I did” I taunted, making my father’s demeanour change. His gaze got darker and scarier.

“Don’t talk about her as if you know about our history. As if you understand what it feels like to have someone part of you being ripped away after all that you’ve been through to change for them” my father admitted; a side of him that I didn’t really know of

“Who says?! My mother is a part of me. Heck, 50% of my DNA is from her. She was my number one supporter and she was my everything. The first woman I love. You and I are the same in terms of looks, some of our traits, and our love for the same woman. The big difference is how we cope with that loss” I mentioned. “As much as I hate the man you’ve become, it saddens me more because no matter what, you’re still my father. So stop this nonsense and just turn yourself in” I tried to reason but instead, my father let out a rather maniac laugh

“There’s another difference between you and I. Your mother might be your first love. But she’s my first and last. Like you said, my parents weren’t really there for me and when I met your mother, that’s when I actually knew what love actually is. Until she was murdered that is. So, Na Jaemin. You want to understand what it feels like to go through what I went through? Let me show you then” my father stated, confusing me

My father went into one of the rooms and not long after, he came back, dragging a way smaller yet weak figure than him to his side which made my whole body shudder as I saw (y/n)’s paled and injured face was being held between one of my father’s hand.

“You said that you wouldn’t hurt her if I gave you the files” I growled, punching and kicking both men who were holding me down, finally breaking free of their grip and immediately there was smoke covering the entirety of the house

Within seconds, each of my father’s men was knocked out by my group and Taeyong-hyung’s additional reinforcements. Once the smoke cleared up, everyone pointed their weapon towards my father as Taeyong stepped into the scene.

“Nam Goongmin. I didn’t expect for us to ever meet again ever since you nearly killed your own son” Taeyong-hyung mentioned. “Let the girl go and turn yourself in. You promised you wouldn’t kill her”

“I only said I would kill her if those files were released. Nothing more. But since you’re all here, you broke the agreement first, Jaemin” my father stated, making my jaw clench. “You want to understand my pain? Then let me show you” my father then stabbed (y/n) in the back and immediately pulled the scalpel out, making her bleed even more blood

Immediately, I rushed upstairs and shoved my father away, catching (y/n) in my arms when suddenly my father shoved me again and started a fight with me

Thankfully, Jeno, Shotaro, and Jaehyun-hyung came and helped bring (y/n) away from the fight between my father and I. Though I was already trained in combat and my father had already age, he still managed to get me out of breath.

My father’s aims were sharp and strong which made me have to go into defence mode until I saw an opening and kicked him on the side of his ribs, which made him stumble backwards. Immediately, I took my chances and threw several more punches which hit and eventually, I managed to pin him on the ground, using my knee to pin his chest down, making it hard for him to breathe while my left arm was right on his neck, barely allowing my father to even speak.

“I think you should be by her side, doctor. Unless of course, you want to feel the exact pain that I felt” my father managed to choke out, tears somehow forming in my eyes

“Jaemin!! You have to operate on (y/n) right now. She already lost so much blood and while we’ve stopped it, it won’t last long” Taeyong-hyung stated as some of his reinforcements came and handled my father

“You should listen to your leader, doctor. Unless you want to relive the time when you couldn’t save someone” my father taunted and Taeyong-hyung covered him from my sight. “Go. I managed to bring a decent amount of tools for you to operate. The guys also managed to find the same blood type as her. I’ll deal with your dad” Taeyong-hyung mentioned, ushering me to quickly go

“Hyung. Thank you. And don’t kill my father. As shitty as what he did, I still stand my ground. I’m not going to kill him and no one is allowed to kill him. He’s still my father after all” I mentioned, looking back at Taeyong-hyung then seeing the other men take my father away

Rushing to the room that my members brought (y/n) in, I immediately put on a mask and gloves before getting to work. Though not all of my members know how the surgery procedure works, I’ve done operations on other people alone before.

I saw the monitor that checked all of (y/n)’s blood condition and they were all very low. First things first, I had to do the blood transfusion quickly before operating on the wound. After setting up the blood bag and putting the IV into (y/n)’s blood vessel, I told Shotaro to eye the blood bag and tell me when it was running low so I could give another blood bag.

As the blood transfusion was happening, I immediately got to work with the wound. I made sure that none of her vital organs were hit before actually stitching her up. I didn’t know how long I was stitching (y/n) while also giving her blood transfusion but at some point, the monitor suddenly beeping like crazy which made me worry.

“Jaem…her blood pressure is decreasing and so is her heart rate. Are there any other scars or wounds she has?” Jeno asked and I instantly scanned her entire body once again and the tab about her past conditions but nothing checked up; it was as if her body was giving up on its own

“Nothing, Jen. She has no wounds, no allergies, no sudden reaction. Her body, its slowly giving up. I’ve only heard several cases of patients whose consciousness just shut down their whole body. I, I didn’t think I would see it happen in front of me” I stuttered, my hands were now shaking

“Jaemin, I know this might sound crazy but you have to talk to her. She might be unconscious but her consciousness is alive and she could most probably hear you. You have to convince her to fight through it” Jaehyun-hyung mentioned and I was a shaking mess

Putting my tools down, I stood right beside (y/n). I grabbed one of her hands and leaned down by her ear. “Hey. I’m not sure if you can hear me but I just wanted to tell you that you shouldn’t give up. I know that we barely met but when you told me what happened to you, I felt that no one was ever able to understand you unlike I do. When you told me what my father did to your family, it made me feel obligated to take care of you. It might seem that I’m doing this to repay what my father did but honestly, I want to help you. You weren’t ever given the chance to enjoy your life” I held (y/n)’s hand with both of mine, squeezing it

“I know that I’ve told you this before but I want to say it again, I want to remind you if you feel that you want to give up. I was at that point as well. I was truly lucky to be able to have a leader and friends that helped me find a new purpose and that alone drove me to help others. You want to know what I want to be a surgeon? It’s not to only save people but I want to give them hope, to give them a second chance in their life when no one else would. I want to help them heal from their trauma just as I want to help you. So please, don’t give up just yet. Let me take care of you and give you the life you deserve. Let me be the one to heal your trauma just as my members healed mine” I rambled, hoping that whatever I said actually got to (y/n)’s consciousness

Somehow, as crazy as Jaehyun-hyung idea was, my voice somehow got through (y/n) and the monitor was suddenly stable once again. Letting out a sigh of relief, I looked at (y/n)’s calmer face and looked at Jaehyun-hyung and Jeno who both told me that I was good to continue.

Thankfully, throughout the rest of the operation, (y/n) was stable and I finished operating on her quicker than usual. Not long, we had some backup to help bring (y/n) and my father’s men back to our base.

Back at the base, everyone cleaned up but I immediately made sure that (y/n) was taken care of. I didn’t even care that I was still in my uniform and covered in dirt, scars, and blood. What matters most is that (y/n) was in a comfortable room, being treated and stable.

I even waited for Kun-hyung to confirm that (y/n) was indeed stable and that all she needed was some rest before actually being dragged out of the room and shoved into our shower room to shower by Jeno.

“You finally done?” Jeno asked as I got changed and dried my hair

“Yeah. You wouldn’t even let me leave until I actually freshen up” I grumbled, annoyed that Jeno and the others wouldn’t let me stay until (y/n) was awake

“Because you reek. You really think (y/n) would want to be next to you when you look and smell like blood, sweat, and tears?” Jeno sarcased

“How is she? Stable right?” I asked, putting my uniform to the dirty basket for laundry later

“Yeah. Kun-hyung actually mentioned that her fingers were moving a bit which means she’s going to wake up soon” Jeno mentioned as I hummed. “What are you going to do with your dad though? Taeyong-hyung practically chained him up and well, the usual. Taeyong-hyung didn’t hurt him too badly, if that’s what you’re worried” Jeno rambled

“Honestly, I’m not sure yet. I don’t want to kill him that’s for sure, I…” I replied when the door was flung open and Renjun came in panting. “She’s awake and Taeyong-hyung is with her”

Within seconds of Renjun coming to tell us that (y/n) was awake, I wasted no time in rushing to her room and seeing Taeyong-hyung beside her. “Relax. I’m not tormenting her, Jaemin. Excuse him, he sometimes look into things a bit too deeply” Taeyong-hyung mentioned and I heard a soft chuckle

When I walked to the side, I saw (y/n) sitting on the bed, her face looked brighter and fresher than hours ago. “Hey” I called out to her, offering a soft smile which she replied back

“I’ll leave you both alone now. Jaemin, when you’re done, my office, alright?” Taeyong-hyung mentioned before leaving me with (y/n) in the room

I pulled a chair and sat next to (y/n). “How are you? How are you feeling? Any parts of your body that hurt?” I asked and (y/n) softly shook her head

“I’m okay. Thank you” (y/n) stated, making me smile. “T-thank you, for saving me” (y/n) uttered out and I immediately took her hands in mine

“No, thank you, for staying strong. I’m not sure if you heard what I said to you when you were unconscious but I promise you that I’ll help you get back up. I’ll help you get the life you’ve wanted. Not because I feel obligated for what my father has done but because you deserve it and maybe because I can relate to you. Only if you allow me to help you, that is?” I rambled on and (y/n) held my hand tighter

“I’d like that. But I also want you to share your burden too” (y/n) uttered, making me smile wider, pressing my forehead onto hers. “As long as you let me take care of you and your trauma” I replied. For the first time, I felt calmer and more at peace since a long time.

NCT Prison - 12:18 am

Though I’ve been through these empty halls, I typically walk through them with my members to torment one of our prisoners. But this time, walking alone felt foreign. It reminded me of the day I left my home on my own. When there was no one to help me at all. But this time it was different. I wasn’t the same boy who ran away from his problems.

No. I decided I was finally going to put an end to it. By going in and facing the man who was both someone I used to look up to and someone that I despised.

“I’m amazed that you actually came. I thought you’d let your leader and other members do as they please with me” my father stated, locked within one of the cages of the prison

“I wouldn’t let them do that. Unlike you, father, who almost killed their own son, I would never let you get killed by my own members. As much as I despised you, you’re still my father. You said it yourself. I’m your son” I started out

“So then what? Are you going to torture me now? Your leader already has my files and most probably he’s going to release it tomorrow along with a statement that I’ve fallen and been captured. Then are you going to kill me by yourself? Is that why you’re not letting your members kill me?” my father questioned me

“I’m not going to kill you. Sure, my leader is going to open up and give a statement regarding his recent findings about you. But I told him that whatever he tells to the public will just be for the public because…I’ve already lost one parent. I don’t intend to lose another” I uttered, my father finally looking at me

“You might not be the best father but at some point, you raised me well. I know you love mom so much and you miss her just as I do but I know that mom would have never wanted us to be like this. She would have wanted both of us to be able to move on and live our lives. Not hating each other. Not chasing each other. We don’t even have to like each other or what we do but I know that mom would have wanted us to just try and get along. And that’s what I plan on doing” I ranted

“You can think that I’m weak or anything you want. But I hope that someday, you’ll be able to see me as your son who only wanted his dad. Not his father. I hope that you will be able to go back to the time when you were happy with mom but this time with me. And I hope that one day, you’ll admit your mistakes and apologise for what you’ve done. Not to me. I’ve gotten over that a long time ago. But to those who you’ve hurt and traumatised” I rambled on before slightly bowing to my father, about to leave but stopped upon hearing my father spoke

“You’re wrong, Jaemin. You’re not my son. You’re mine and your mother’s son. And whether you think that I was going to kill you that day. I wasn’t. Just like you, I was angry at what happened. And was pissed that you cowardly left me. But never did I ever think to kill you. Even now. I would have never killed the one person who reminded me of what your mother and I were like when we first fell for each other” my father finally spoke in a softer tone, making me turn to face him

“But you’re right. I was a shitty father when I should’ve been more of a dad to you. For that, I’m sorry. But I’m glad that you got more of your mother’s side. I’m glad that you grew up well. Your mom might hate me but I know for sure that she’s proud of the man you’ve become” my dad stated, actually smiling a bit which made me smile

“Thanks. I’ll um, talk to you again soon. I hope you do reflect on your mistakes. See you soon, dad” I uttered, leaving my dad, finally getting over the trauma that I’ve been holding onto for years

A/N: hopefully you guys enjoy this other long mafia fic of mine. I swear I will make a whole mini mafia series masterlist. After my 100th post which will be coming in December. I'm sorry that I've been slow on my stories and have only been posting like once a month but somehow, I ended up writing this mini mafia series which while fun, takes quite a while to write as I want them to somewhat interconnect with one another. Alright, before I go, I'm gonna give a mini sneak peek at my 100th post which will be another mafia series. Thank you all, have a great day and stay safe xoxo vinet

Sneak Peek for 100th Post

“Yo, John, doesn’t she look a bit too young to be working a a club?” Jaehyuna asked, looking over to a young girl wearing the waitress uniform, serving some drinks to old sweaty men

Johnny who was just trying to drink and enjoy his night eventually followed Jaehyun’s gaze and landed on the girl that Jaehyun was describing.

Sure, Johnny might’ve opened his own bar with Taeyong’s permission but that doesn’t mean that he allows just about anyone to work in his bar. And while he doesn’t deal with all the miscellaneous work in the bar, he surely memorises his staff and the girl Jaehyun pointed out was never in any parts of Johnny’s memory.

Instead of confronting the girl, Johnny immediately called another waiter to get the current manager and question the girl whom he learned was technically legal to work in a bar as she was 21+ and the manager mentioned that she was only a part-timer on the weekends since they needed more help.

Right when the manager was explaining to Johnny, he saw one of the old men put their hands on the girl’s bare thigh which scared the girl. Angered at the behaviour, Johnny stood up and stomped his way to the scene before the man could go any further.

“This is an exclusive bar and I make sure that all of my staff are always on their best service. But that doesn’t mean that you could just harass them like this” Johnny growled, gripping the older man’s arm tightly that the people nearby could hear a bone crack

“Especially when it’s an old man harassing a young girl” Johnny grunted, pushing the man that he fell off his chair; the other men around the table started to get up, about to put up a fight when Jaehyun came beside Johnny, shielding the girl

“I suggest you all sit your old sweaty asses down unless you want your old bones to be broken” Jaehyun taunted. “Or shall we call Taeyong? Because he’s the co-owner of this bar and I don’t think he would be pleased that his supposed business partners were in his bar, harassing a girl”

[userlando]

Currently thinking about how THICK landos neck is omg it’s just perfection the things I want to do to it

Imagine giving bsf lando a massage after a little shunt on the track and he’s letting out the unholiest of sounds which have you literally squirming and trying not to whimper and keep your cool yourself

Maybe one evening you’re just a bit sad and down and he pulls you onto his lap to reassure and snuggle you and wow your face just slots right into his neck and you’re just nuzzling into him whilst you get it together with lots of supportive whispers and back tickles encouraging you

One night you guys are hitting the club as a big group and pair off to do shots as a funny challenge or something which max f thinks is a brill idea, someone puts salt on his neck for you to lick off and the lime is in his mouth. With all the alcohol in his system he’s loosened up with way less filter, ending up panting and groaning as you lick his neck and then into his mouth and the EYE contact you guys have as he then has to lick the salt off your chest because EVERYONE knows that you guys are crazy about eachother but the two of you so they’re doing everything they can short of pushing you guys into eachother

Continuing with bsf or maybe even fwb lando imagine being in his lap for something like doing his brows or an innocent reason but all of a sudden there’s a massive shift and one of you finally has the guts to make a move. You’re gripping his neck to steady yourself because wow that first kiss makes you feel dizzy and can’t help yourself when you pull back for air he’s rambling that he hopes that was ok and there’s no expectation blah blah blah blah but you just can’t stop looking at his neck and you just HAVE to kiss it suck it bite it squeeze it (bop it lol) and he is squirming and almost gets too much when you find his sweet spot and he’s gripping your hips and whimpering about how good it feels and how sensitive he is there and to please not stop omg maybe cums in his pants(I love that piece you wrote with that happening omg truly my fav concept)

This man’s neck and hands are literally on my brain 24/7 I really can’t cope hope it’s ok that I’m sharing so others may now suffer lol. I can’t decide what kind of kisser I think he’d be in general?

Also I hope you’re having a great week and doing well or that things are getting better for you! I literally think re-reading most of your fics everyday will cure my covid lol just when I think I’m done for the day keep coming back for more because your writing just scratches that itch in my brain and is the best distraction

-🌻

help. MEEEEEEEEEEE. what is this!!! i'm bawling my eyes out!!

you can't tell me he's not a good kisser because that man would rock your world. he'd be all slow and deep, really tasting you and rendering you into a whimpering mess. he's the kinda man who'd gently hold your jaw/throat and kiss you so deeply that you can't help but want more. and he'll absolutely give you more and then some 😭 lord have mercy on me

thank you for re-reading my work, it warms my heart like you couldn't believe!! i hope you're feeling better now, but i'll send all my energy and love your way 🤍

[eri-pl]

Yay! I remembered to pick the right blog to post to!

So, I was thinking about Annatar,

probably because of all the gifs and stuff, I wish you all happy watching, but I was thinking about Anntar in the book. Anyway. There's one angle that seems underexplored to me. Long post below cut, no ships except those burned at Losgar. Sorry if you had hopes. ;)

He's more or less openly claiming to be an emissary of the Valar. And he is approaching various Noldor. Especially Celebrimbor (the last* living descendant of Feanor) and Galadriel (iirc banned from returning after War of Wrath per special exception for being an unrepentant jerk? Or am I misremembering?)

\* However, Annatar approaching Maglor on the beach and getting blast away with just a few notes and flying a few miles and landing in mud, is a wonderful image to ponder. Yes, I know, Sauron + duels of song = bad… but Finrod relied on skill, not on infrasound + centuries of repressed rage. :)

Anyway, back to Celebrimbor.

Imagine: Your grandfather rebelled against the Valar, swore a blasphemous oath and died. Your father did the same, but with more mass murders in the meantime. The Valar have rejected your family long, long ago. And now someone comes, an emissary.

How anxious Celebrimbor must have been. A lot depends on what exactly happenned with Celebrimbor at the War of Wrath, what Eonwë told him (probably nothing, he's not a HR guy, he's a warrior, he wouldn't think it necessary to talk indyvidually to that one Noldo, and Celebrimbor was afraid to ask), was he allowed to return (I assume yes, because why not, but he was either too insecure or... idk, hoping to find his uncle?) and so on.

Or maybe it's like with Galadriel: he didn't return after the WoW and believes that now it's too late?

I'm sure Annatar comforts him. (No, you can't return just yet, you have an important task to do here). I'm sure he assures Celebrimbor that the Valar still remember Middle Earth and still remember him. Or… maybe not?

Maybe it's more half-truths? Maybe it's more along the lines of "technically i shouldn't be here, but I pity the Elves who stayed here, and you especially and I chose to help regardless". Maybe it's more of "You have a lot of baggage, and I do have some things that I'm not proud of, but if we work together to fix the world, we both can be forgiven". Maybe a part of Sauron even believes in this.

One way or another, the topic of Feanorian legacy must be an important thread here, and not only in the aspect of "my grandfather was a great craftsman" but also, maybe even moreso, "my grandfather rejected the Valar and Annatar still wants to work with me regardless of that".

Also, I am absolutely certain that, after he opened up more and trusted Annatar a bit more, Celebrimbor at one point asked (probably very indirectly, because that is a really hard question for him to ask), "Is my father in the Halls, or—"

And I suppose that whatever story Sauron came up with, this very well may have been one of the reasons why Celebrimbor did not fully trust him. This is a perfect conversation topic to notice someone lacks empathy and, well, goodness.

But anyway, I really wish someone wrote a fic with those conversations. Especially with Celebrimbor daring to ask about the fate of the Feanorians. And what the Everlasting Darkness even is.

But also about others who stayed in aman or died. About his mother, whoever she was. His grandmother Nerdanel. There would be a lot of questions for Sauron to avoid and slither around.

Or maybe it was somwhat the other way around?

Maybe Annatar, in his kindness of course, asked a lot about Curufin, about Feanor. (Of course not at the start of their relationship, but as they get to know each other better… I assume Celebrimbor did open up enough to talk that). About how Celebrimbor feels, of course, how he is coping and so on, all the emotionally inteligent, helpful questions... What the Darkness is, where did Feanor get this idea, how was he able to craft an Oath so strong, so binding, where to find that power he called upon— How does it feel to be compared to Feanor all the time, how would it feel to finally be equal to him in greatness (Annatar of course can make this happen).

Darkness that binds. Darkness that calls, that never forgets. That gathers and never lets go. Darkness that binds.

Or (hmmm, this is starting to blend into crack territory) at some point of his cooperation with Annatar, among talks of his father and his terrible fate, there came into Celebrimbor's mind a thought of freing him, of freeing all the family. After all, who could invent a way to get someone back from the Void Everlasting Darkness, if not the heir of the House of Feanor?

This… could be an interesting starting point for a fic.

[platonic-tony-stark]

Hey 👋 I know it’s rough right now, I really do understand it. Life is tough but you shouldn’t shame yourself for having these feelings ! What you feel right now is completely valid and you deserve to acknowledge those feelings and not feel a guilt about them. I don’t know you but I can assure you that you are wanted in this life and you are needed in this life. We all have different ways of coping and just because yours is a fictional universe billions of galaxies away doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY this feeling of suffocation and darkness that you probably feel carries itself on your shoulders everyday WILL PASS and that little voice inside your head that says “that’s bullshit, you’re wrong it won’t go away” is very very wrong. No matter how hard it gets never let that voice win. You are worthy of happiness and it will come your way. That voice is a liar and in a few years time you will be glad you didn’t listen to it. Everyone yearns for the past and for childhood to come back and embrace them like a warm blanket but if you get so caught up in the past you are going to forget to look ahead and around at the current moment. You might think it’s the end and that isn’t true, it’s the beginning. I know that sound cliche but you need to remember it has been proven that multiple realities exist so somewhere in those realities your comfort characters are reading your story and watching you right now and I can tell you with full confidence they are screaming “DONKT GIVE UP JUST YET, I DONT WANT THIS STROY TO END”. We all as readers of your blog no matter if they like, comment or just appreciate from afar are also begging you to carry on. You are so strong to have come this far, carry on. YOU HAVE GOT THIS! Drink some water and eat something small. You deserve that much at least. Now start the next chapter in your life, your comfort characters can’t wait to see what’s next xx 💚💖💚 (anytime you see this at the end of an anon that’s me and I appreciate you being here)

Wow wow wow. First of all, damn tumblr looks hella different now. Secondly, I can't believe, my posts are still around and still getting LIKES amd Follows. Like my guy- I've been gone for almost 2 years now I think. I was on some times but not active active yk. I truly believe nobody missed me EXCEPT this person.

SO UPDATE. I ain't dead. And got professional help. Brain chemicals balanced and stable environment. I moved and sorted things out at work.

I joined loads of communities and wrote some fics on AO3. I still love tony and the OG Marvel Stuff but clicked out after endgame and the spiderman movie after.

Just wanted yall to know i never deinstalled the app and never ever thought to delete all this. I kind want to continue but want to kept the atmosphere of the first avenger movie and around iron man 1 & 2 i just love the nostalgia. In my humble opinion the best era.

Thanks for read and I might beginning to post again. Maybe. Let's see what the morning brings

Cheers yall!

[takami-takami]

THANK U FOR THE TAG MWAH MWAH Was tagged by @aquadenks to rec some of my own fics so! Some author's notes too, spoiling the subtext lol but giving some behind the scenes info! I'm just gonna pick my favorites, not so much the ones I'd recommend.

For recomendations: Stray Dogs Will Crawl Home for sfw; How to Fix The Ache or Can't Help Myself for nsfw

My faves:

Nightmares. | angst, hurt/comfort

I wrote this to cope with the GRAGGGHH feeling after watching the Lady Nagant episode. Like I wrote this late as hell at night too in order to be normal. I like the way I wrote the panic, it was fun to try and tweak it to be more in character and make the body language and dialogue believable. I find his theme of corruption and being used by the hpsc and feeling shackled to be very interesting to explore. I had to write the boy being comforted for his past or I'd die.

I Think I Love You. | fluff

The cutest fic I ever wrote. Pure good feelings. I genuinely love this one, I think it's adorable and head-over-heels!Keigo is my weak spot. I giggled so hard to myself when I wrote about the platonic kiss to ground himself. He's so cute. Fuzzy feelings. Happy happy happy.

Happy Birthday. | angst

Pure angst. PURE angst.

I had this in my notes for a long while, actually, and had the idea in my head for longer. It's a catharsis piece, very personal. Whenever I would have a moment related to a Thing, I'd pull out my notes app and work on this and just vomit my feelings onto the page. I still remember stopping in the middle of grabbing groceries and pulling out my phone to type the "what did you make me do" part as soon as I thought of it. Typing outside on my phone like a madman. Very therapeutic. Even though it's my least popular fic (probably because of the subject matter and lack of x reader) it means a tremendous deal to me.

How To Fix The Ache. | smut

The smut fic of the bunch— HEAR ME OUT, this is one of my favorite smut fics so I picked it as a representative (My other favs are Crybaby, Accidents, and Sweet, Sweet Indulgence. Not including the mini drabbles. I can answer which of those I like if anyone's curious!). So I'm putting it here. KEIGO YANKING IT MY BELOVED!! I like the pacing here, the tension building, the payoff at the end where he mcLoses it. Sexually frustrated virgin mess Keigo :(((((.

A Dog Unfed. | angst, hurt/comfort

This is my most recent fic but also another favorite of mine! Literally helped me so bad to write this. Do not know where I would be if I didn't write it. I feel like, I honestly didn't want to turn this into a fanfic at first. It was just supposed to be a thing for only me to see about how I'm feeling because the feeling was overwhelming; but I wanted to share it, so I turned it into a thing with Hawks (which also helped a ton)! I think you can tell, at least in the beginning part. I break the fourth wall at the end a little which I thought was cool but definitely was worried about doing. I let go of a lot of inhibitions and a desire to Appeal to Others when writing this one. Like I told myself when I was writing over and over, "all my writings are mine but this one is Mine." Very special place in my heart. <3

But my FAVORITE fic is still being written. Idk when it will be finished though, it's a big one— I don't like posting chapter by chapter, so I'm just gonna finish all the chapters first and then slam it onto the table hopefully.

Tagging ANYONE steal this. :3

[psychologeek]

Suicide Prevention resources

And other mental health resources for use of the public. (Also fic recs.)

In case you're interested (and haven't noticed), chapter 17 of "Some of Them" has been published.

this chapter contains Damian and Tim having a Conversation. (Shocking, I know.)

This series deals with hard/dark topics, though non-graphic, as I try to keep it low-rate.

About suicide

Why do I make this post?

I have several fanfics that deal with mental health issues, include one about suicide and healing (that was written in co-op), fso it's a post I've been considering writing for a long time.

Writing "Sweet Dreams" made it even more crucial, as it contains a main character's suicide attempt (on screen, not detailed) and the mindset. I had the scene I couldn't add to that fic.

(so I wrote a 3-shot sequel. Which I'm currently on chapter 20 of 😭😭)

I had this written since “sweet Dreams”. This scene is the reason I wrote this fic. This I wrote in August: I don't know how, but I want somewhere when he goes "I failed, I couldn't even die" And someone answers "No, you succeeded. You succeeded to survive, even through everything you've been through. Even though your brain was fighting against you, you managed to survive. And you are so, so brave for it". Bc it's so important to say it. The way we talk about things matter. When we define "sucsessed/failed" suicide by "dead/not", instead of succeeded/failed to SURVIVE, it matters. And refraining it, surviving as an act of strength and success... I feel like it can help others, too. This was a reframe that really helped me.

I'd try not to spoil, but in SoT mental health issues are... very present. Not only in the way we usually see it in media, but also in the more slippery ways. The ways that your mind is wired around things you can't stop picking. Things like hypervigilence and expecting for the worst (even when it won't come) and the ways we hurt those we love-

Those are all present there.

(I can write a more detailed post about it, if anyone's interested.)

And.

The road it took in chapter 15, wasn't something I planned.

But once it came, I couldn't ignore it.

(Because we don't talk about it, and people who feel the same things keep believing it's their fault, that they are damaged, that they are bad.

Because we can't look away.

Please don't look away.)

And in a way, I think -

(I'm doing for the little girl I was, that no one ever saw her warning signs, because no one looked closely. I'm writing it for the friends I've lost and for those who are still fighting.

I'm writing it for you, dear, because you are IMPORTANT and UNIQUE and UMEXCHANGEABLE, no matter what your mind may lie.)

Some things:

Suicidality is a real thing, a real issue, and we need to talk about it.

Yes - kids do commit suicide. That's why knowing the signs and how to help is so important.

(you can't find if you look away)

We need to talk about child suicidality.

Kids DO suffer from mental health issues, and we sse suicide attempts at kids as young as 6/7.

Ignoring it, or saying "it won't happen to me/my kids/friends", only lowers the chances to help those who need it.

You can live with suicidality.

It's hard, but you can have GOOD and HAPPY life, even if things look very very hopeless now.

It can get better, even if for some of us it may come-and-go as things change in life.

Suicidality is, sometimes, sort of a coping mechanism. When it feels like the only way to escape, to make things stop. To make the pain end.

It's a normal reaction to abnormal situation.

(As said by my Ex*, who tried to commit suicide at 19. And this saying helped me through a rough time.)

*Last time I heard from him, he was in his 30s, married with 3 kids. It was a Facebook post about a hobby craft, and he seemed proud of himself.

I know.

I've been struggling with suicidal thoughts since I was twelve.

(And I'm still here.)

~

About the situation in chapter (and fic in general)

Let me be clear - Tim is also a kid. Damian's mental health shouldn't be his responsibility.

HOWEVER in real life, just like in comics, sometimes things aren't optimal. Sometimes a younger brother or a friend is telling you something and asking you to keep it a secret.

Sometimes things change, and you're scared about them. And that is part of what I'm trying to show here. And hopefully help someone.

Depression (Signs & Symptoms)

Depression affects how people think and feel about themselves, and how they act. The signs can be subtle and easy to miss. Someone who is depressed might:

act irritable or easily annoyed

be self-critical, focus on failures, or feel guilty

lose interest in friends, activities, or school, or stop enjoying things they used to enjoy

engage in risky behaviors, like drug and alcohol use, or self-harm

sleep too little or too much or have a change in eating habits

have low energy or trouble concentrating

complain of headaches, bellyaches, or other pain

say things like “I wish I were dead” or “It would be easier if I weren’t here anymore”

Suicide -

Immediate warning signs that someone may be thinking of suicide include:

talking about suicide or death in general

looking online for ways to kill oneself or buying items to use in a suicide attempt

talking about feeling hopeless or having no reason to live

engaging in self-destructive behavior (drinking a lot of alcohol, taking drugs, driving too fast, or cutting, for example)

visiting or calling people to say goodbye

giving away possessions

If you're not sure what do I mean, try to look up in the fic - does Damian show any warning signs? Do you see warning signs in anyone else's behaviour?

Feel free to take it to the next level, and consider:

Do you think Tim acted properly?

What would you do if it was your younger sibling?

A friend?

~

Sources:

For Parents:

How to talk to kids and teens about suicide, age-appropriate (Utah University).

Tackling the topic of suicide with your child �� a guide to having the conversation (Black Dog institution)

 

What to do when someone is at risk

Have an honest conversation

Talk to them in private

Listen to their story

Tell them you care about them

Ask directly if they are thinking about suicide

Encourage them to seek treatment or contact their doctor or therapist

Avoid debating the value of life, minimizing their problems or giving advice.

 

For teens (but can be useful for adults as well):

My Friend Is Talking About Suicide. What Should I Do?

en español: Mi amigo está hablando sobre el suicidio. ¿Qué debería hacer?

[marshmallowprotection]

Okay but what if i just straightup dont react to Unknown's crap? I mean i'll end up doing the work he assigns me bc i'll die of boredom if I dont, but if he wants me to be scared then sorry dude you're shit outta luck. Its not even an attempt to be tough my brain just doesnt work right

I've answered this a lot in the past because everyone seems to think that not reacting is a bold stance to take, or they simply can't dare to imagine being stuck in that room with him with nothing to do but whatever he demands until he sends you to the corner to be alone for the time being. It's emotionally overwhelming and will hurt you just as much as it's hurt Unknown if you're stuck long enough.

It's not a bold choice. The reality of being his captive or assistant is a grim one because you're doing paperwork and dealing with his many tantrums. I'm speaking to our canon Unknown who doesn't care for you apart from the fact that you're useful to him as the Eyes to the RFA's secrets, you're just a tool to him. You're useful until you're not.

Sure, he might find a bit of amusement in tormenting you because pushing your buttons might hurt the RFA. Say, if you were Seven's MC and he knew that manipulating you or tricking you into believing him and leaving Seven in the dust would help his revenge... well, that would be the end of that. There's an Ending for that, after all. So, that goes to show what Unknown's motive really is.

You're not the object of infatuation to Unknown that you are to Ray. You are a pair of binoculars. You can choose to work with Unknown or you can choose to defy his orders. Either way, it's not going to bode well for you. You want to make trouble and not give in to what he said to do? You don't want to help him find a replacement for you to go in that apartment? Okay, fine, go to the basement and come back when you're useful and pliable.

He isn't Ray or Suit Saeran. He's not gonna hesitate when it comes to the elixir. He won't even blink before he shoves it in your hands or lets you be taken away to drink it.

You want to play along and listen? His patience might run thin with you just the same. He wants revenge and anything else that stops his goals just becomes a problem. You don't want to be a problem. Your goal is to survive here and maybe reason with him over the months you're stuck with him. Try to empathize, humanize, and reason with him slowly. Find something in his twisted pain. But, if you can't really handle that... realistically, it's not going to be okay in the end.

Unknown doesn't have a route specifically because the chance of trying to win him over and reason with him would take you months. It would never be two weeks. There would be no way to pack in every single event that would need to transpire to reach him the way that it works with Ray or Suit Saeran... and even those two logically needed a few months. Unknown? Months if not a year.

That's why when I wrote my last Assistant Reader fic for Unknown I had to make sure the Believer that became his assistant was capable of withstanding the cult itself alongside his attitude... and even that was a mess of trying to reach him. When I write in a romantic sense, most of the time, I aim to find the stretch of humanity in him that's normally lost in canon because he's so numb and detached.

If you want to find that, you gotta be committed to the long haul for this. That means the dark days when you don't know how to cope with his mind games... and it's not pleasant. At least, he looks damn good in that shirt.

[just-antithings]

i hate the anti argument that people who write fics about their trauma shouldn't share them, cause i'm one of those people who reads those fanfics to cope. i can't think about my trauma long enough to write about it, so i go to read fanfiction someone wrote about the abuse that i experienced, and because it's not about me it doesn't have all the little details that remind me of what happened and i can read about it and process it without triggering myself. and believe me, i would love to go to therapy, but covid has currently made that something i can't do, so i use the same method i've been using for a few years, because it helps. it helps me understand what happened to me, reminds me that it really wasn't my fault and that i didn't deserve it, and gives me a safe way to explore my feelings about it. if antis got their way and people didn't post their fics about this, i'd lose the only coping mechanism i have currently because i can't do anything that makes me think about my trauma specifically without triggering myself. and these fics are what even made me realize i'd been abused in the first place, and that what happened to me wasn't normal. i owe so much to people who are willing to publish works about their trauma and i wish antis would see how they really aren't helping victims

and a bit of a sidenote here, i've noticed that while antis often say writing/reading about trauma is unhealthy and you should stop, the only alternative they ever seem to offer, if they offer any alternative at all, is therapy. therapy is not something everyone can do, so what are those people supposed to do to cope? if you (general you) think something's unhealthy and you want people to stop, give them alternatives. like that just doesn't make any sense to me. if i want people to stop eating meat or something, i can't just say that and expect people to stop. they need to eat. if i offer them an alternative thing to eat, they might put more consideration into what i've said. same goes for trauma, if someone's using fics to cope you can't just take away that coping mechanism without providing them a new one that works for them (i don't think people should stop using fic though if that helps them. i'm just following the logic of their argument)

.

[oonajaeadira]

You make a really great point. Like for example, I specifically disclose its a female reader in most of my fics but provide no other physical disclosures. I absolutely try to make it inclusive, but almost none of us can say we never do those things. Especially with reader inserts, we typically imagine ourselves to varying degrees and so things slip in, like physical acts of running through your hair, or inferences to a reader who may not be thin, because accident or not, most of us will include descriptors beacuse its natural to do.

I don't subscribe to coming across reader attributes that arent matching to yourself and getting angry about it, beacuse most of them aren't done in malice or to be exclusionary. You are right that if you claim the reader has no descriptions then you should be more careful about how you write it, but when screw ups happen, people need to remember that we make mistakes and gently pointing it out so we can fix it and learn from it will ALWAYS be better then storming into the writers inbox with hateful rhetoric.

I think theres a tendancy to turn annoyance into outrage and claim that it comes from an negative place on the writers side when thats not true. We write readers to be inclusive, but if small mentions of things we may not even have noticed we wrote will upset someone so greatly, maybe they need to take some time away from reading fics and learn how to cope with that frustration, rather than taking it out on the writer. If I dont give any specifications about the reader one way or the other, it doesnt mean Im only targeting one type of person, it means I am trying to be as broad as possible and when there is a standout factor that matters more than others, I'll point it out beforehand (i.e female reader, plus size reader ect)

We as writers truly do our best to be inclusive but it will never be perfect, and I think the fandom needs to take a step back and rethink the tendancy to attack for small upsets to an aggressive degree as if they are ill intended. I just agreed with your take a lot beacuse sometimes writers in this fandom arent given the benefit of the doubt.

I agree with you. Nobody does this out of malice. And, *laughing at myself* I'm going to be honest here.

Sometimes I'm just frustrated because I have an instinct to reach out and help the author do better so their fic is better received.

In my day job, I assist new producers/writers/makers of theater. I help run an organization that helps put new work out into the public eye and we actually run marketing workshops. And one of the big things we teach new producers is how to correctly market their work.

If you promise something and don't deliver, or you pull a bait and switch, your audience may get upset because of that unmet expectation, and then you know what happens? Negative reviews.

The #1 way to please an audience (besides putting out stellar content), is to set up promises you can keep and fulfill any expectations you set before them.

So half of my frustration often sits not in that "hey, you offended me by not including me" it's in that "oof, this is bad practices for your art and you should not be setting up promises you can't keep" pet peeve of mine.

At the same time, as someone that's been making art for a long time, I still make the mistakes I warn new producers about. And as a fic writer I KNOW I've done these things. I am--as I believe everyone is from time to time--a raging hypocrite!

But. I think we're living in an age where any infraction is treated as a life-or-death situation and people can get really shouty about their criticisms. I understand that it's hard to see there's an individual behind the blog/counter/whatever and that emotions can us all feel like shouting at one person means everyone who should hear it will hear it. No.

And by that same token, it's easy to believe that everyone who comes to you with shouty, mean anons is attacking you and only you when in fact, they are just hurting and want someone to know it and fix it all.

That's why I wanted to clarify my post and say more here too. I think it's worth looking at myself and trying to see WHY I'm frustrated and where it comes from. And that any time I've been frustrated with an author that promises what they can't deliver, it's not a life and death situation. They're not doing it to personally offend me. They have learning and growing to do. I have learning and growing to do.

Gentleness is key. We should--as the post that's been circling lately says--approach every situation as if best intentions are meant. And be gentle with each other.

[thedamageofherdays]

This week's [23-08-2021 - 29-08-2021] reading log is here! I read a lot again this week and I feel like it's a lovely variety of fics. Most fics are Stucky like usual, but there's at least one other ship. I am constantly amazed by the talent people have in this fandom! There was one fic I read on Tumblr that I can't seem to find unfortunately, but when I do I'll make sure to reblog and rec it 💕

Favourites are marked with a 🌻

When life gives you lemons by moonthejedi394 @moonythejedi394 [Stucky, 40k words, Mature] (12/15 chapters available)

Or 13 Terrible Things to Do With Lemons Other Than Making Lemonade

Steve Rogers is a home health nurse. He works for an agency, which assigned him to the aging Winifred Barnes, the one and only Silent Era Hollywood darling. As her needs increased, she requested the agency assign Steve to her full-time. She could pay for it, so she got it. Steve then moved in with her, becoming her caregiver; he cooked, he cleaned, he managed her medications, he made sure she was comfortable.

Winifred's children treated him less than ideally. He was the help, after all. And then Steve had the audacity to go and turn out to be eldest son James Barnes's soulmate. No one saw that coming.

The Masseur and the Assassin by buckybarnesdeservestobehappy @buckybarnesdeservestobehappy [Stucky, 17k words, Explicit]

Bucky Barnes needed a vacation from his job. What he found was a happy ending.

The Words Breathe by buckbarnesdeservestobehappy [Stucky, 1k words, Mature]

All Steve has to do is keep his promise. When he doesn’t, Bucky gets mouthy.

Soft by this_wayward_life @wayward-lives [Stucky, 2k words, Explicit]

The last time he'd seen Bucky he'd looked unhealthy, with pallid skin and greasy, lanky hair. Now, Bucky shone; his hair was thick and silky, his skin a deep bronze from spending so much time outside. He was softer, too; the hard muscle that used to cover him was now replaced by soft fat, his body still strong, but in a more mundane way. His thighs were thicker, his ass plumper, and when he'd pulled Steve into the river Steve had noticed the pudge on his stomach.

Seeing Bucky so happy, well-fed and shining, was a bit of a kick in the face. For all the years they'd known each other, he'd never seen Bucky so... care-free. Now that Bucky was putting on weight, his middle soft and his body malleable, it sent a bolt of arousal through Steve every time he noticed the curves of Bucky's body.

Or: Bucky put on a bit of weight in Wakanda, and Steve is Not Coping.

🌻 Revive Another Side of Me by dontcallmebree @iamthe-wo-manwhocan [Stucky, 1k words, Mature]

Steve’s never lived in a world without Bucky, and he’s not living now. It takes them a while, much too long, to get that awaited rest, a little slice of peace after the dust has settled.Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes are inseparable, history remembers. But they’re not men of the past quite yet.

🌻 imagine being loved by me by spacebuck @spacebuck [Stucky, 20k words, Explicit]

Just after 1am - a few hours after he posted today’s photo - he hears the tell-tale sound of a twitter message. Bucky grabs his phone, not checking who it’s from as he opens it because it’s probably one of his mutuals yelling at him as per usual. When he actually looks at his phone, though, it’s not Natasha

The ‘verified’ check stares back at him for a long moment before he can even bring himself to process the name on his screen. Steve Rogers is messaging him. Or, he reasons, a very good fake. The handle looks right though, not that Bucky knows. Not that Bucky has Captain’s America’s tweets set up as notifications, or that Bucky’s own display name is set to captain america’s bitch. Not at all.

Hey, the first message says. It’s Steve.

🌻 JB’s Complete Lube Services by dixons_mama @dixons-mama [Stucky, 3k words, Explicit]

People just didn’t approach Captain America and proposition him. Although, sometimes Steve wished they would; even the pinnacle of virtue and justice needed to get dicked down from time to time.

Or, the one where Steve has the hots for a mechanic and decides to be proactive in getting that dick.

If it had to be someone by rainbow_nerds [Stucky, 1k words, Mature]

Bucky had known since he was a child that he didn’t have a choice in who he married, but he’d thought he had more time before the day arrived.

Miscalculations by christywantspizza @christywantspizza [Ransom Drysdale/Reader, 6k words, Explicit]

Ransom tries to get you to sleep with him by less than honorable means. You give him what he wants, just not how he wants it.

How to Seduce a Writer by obsessivereader [Stucky, 2k words, Teen]

What's a determined master strategist going to do when the oblivious writer he's trying to woo keeps missing all the clues?

He doesn’t think it’s because he hadn’t signaled his own interest to Bucky. He’s pretty much done everything short of hitting Bucky over the head with semaphore flags by this point. There’s no way Bucky could’ve missed them. Unless… There’d been that one link he’d stumbled upon when he’d googled ‘how to talk to a writer’. It’d been written by a writer, who’d been candid about how oblivious writers could be, and how someone could go about seducing one. An idea starts to form. It’s ridiculous, but at this point, he’s willing to go with ridiculous, since subtle wasn’t getting him anywhere.

🌻 Pod Bless America by Deisderium @deisderium [Stucky, 6k words, Teen]

Bucky can't believe his favorite podficcer recorded his newest fanfic AU of the show Commandos. He's even more surprised when the customer who busts him listening to fic while he's working in the office supply store turns out to be that podficcer.

* The guy—maybe bi_shield?—took his phone, looked down at the screen, and smiled. "Yeah, that one's mine," he said with no evidence of embarrassment. "It was a good one." He handed the phone back to Bucky.

"I wrote it," Bucky croaked.

take a bite by wearing_tearing [Stucky, 7k words, Mature]

"I’d never let anyone freeze to death.” Steve gives a big sigh and flutters his lashes. “All that blood gone to waste.”

Bucky’s lips turn down and his nose scrunches up a little. “I want to be grossed out, but…”

“But you get it.” Steve gives him a pointed look. “Vampires aren’t the only ones who can appreciate how juicy blood is.”

*

Or: Vampire Steve saves newly-turned werewolf Bucky from a snowstorm.

Leaving the Shield Behind by BuckyAboveEverything [Stucky, 6k words, Teen]

“So, on one hand, we have Steve Rogers - hunk, genius, animal lover. Buys you waffles and overpriced coffee. 100% wholesome all-American boy.”

“And, on the other hand, we have Capsicle – twink, smart-ass, fanboy. Reads your stories and sends you fanart. Possibly a pervert or a serial killer.”

Bucky groaned.

“I am 100% certain I am 0% sure of what to do."

Bucky Barnes, full-time copywriter and free-time fanfic writer, struggles to choose between two equally-attractive suitors, only to find that he doesn’t have to after all.

* Based on a true story *

Cap's Book Corner by Neche [Stucky, 2k words, Teen]

Recluse Author Bucky Barns stumbles into fanboy Steve Rogers bookstore one day...

Cat Nap by galwednesday @galwednesday [Stucky, 8k words, Teen]

Objectively, losing the Bucharest safehouse and its contents was the least of Bucky’s problems. The balding agent he’d seen directing the raid was apparently affiliated with SHIELD, which was a shadowy government agency that made representatives from other shadowy government agencies suddenly remember urgent appointments when Bucky tried to bribe, threaten, and otherwise shake them down for information on what the hell SHIELD might want with a former brainwashed assassin. Dodging SHIELD should be his number one priority.

Subjectively, he wanted his fucking cat back.

at any given moment by honeypuffed [Stucky, 1k words, Teen]

Steve and Bucky find out that everyone thinks they're sleeping together.

Brought to Brightness by eyres [Stucky, 10k words, Teen]

Army veteran Bucky Barnes has fallen in love with Steve, a guy he met online a few months after he returned from Afghanistan. Only problem is, he doesn't know Steve's last name or even what he looks like.

When his sister helps him send his story into MTV's Catfish, he's hoping they can help him meet Steve or, at least, let him move on with his life if Steve isn't real. Little does he know, Steve and Captain America have more in common than just a first name.

🌻 Nokken Wood by leveragehunters @leveragehunters [Stucky, 10k words, Teen]

When Sam's friend needs a house-sitter for his place in the country, Steve jumps at the chance. Six months rent-free to do nothing but draw and paint and wander the countryside, looking for inspiration? It was like a dream. But when he gets lost in a storm and nearly falls into a pond he starts to rethink the whole like a dream aspect of life in the country. And when a red-eyed, sharp-clawed, silver-fanged creature rises out of the darkness, Steve is one hundred percent certain the dream's morphed into a nightmare.

...until it gives him a cup of tea.

(Inspired partly by this prompt a supernatural creature is supposed to scare you but instead it gives you a cup of tea and a blanket because you're having a bad day and you keep coming back and partly by this painting.)

Professional Pride by galwednesday [Stucky, 700 words, Teen]

Bucky is having a very good day, until he turns around and finds himself face-to-face with Captain America.

“Oh shit,” he blurts before he can stop himself, and Captain America blinks at him. “Hey, hi, I didn’t expect to see you here.” Here, at New York’s Pride parade, surrounded by thousands of happy screaming people wearing rainbows and sometimes not much else. What is he doing here? Is he on guard duty or something? Was he just on a mission and happened to be passing by on his way back?

He’s in uniform but with the cowl loose around his neck, so when he rubs the back of his head it fluffs up his matted hair. “I, uh. I saw one of your–temporary tattoos?” Captain fucking America says, like it’s a question.

The A-bridged Guide to Trolling by galwednesday [Stucky, 1k words, Teen]

“I don’t have any money.”

Oh no, now the girl looked upset. Her eyes were huge and her lip was wobbling. Bucky tried to think fast despite the oh shit oh shit oh shit looping through his head.

“That’s okay,” Bucky said gently. “I don’t need money. We can figure out another kind of toll.”

The girl frowned at him. “Like what?”

Bucky scratched his head, trying to think of something a kid was certain to have on hand. “Do you know any jokes?”

(Fantasy AU in which Steve is a hedge witch with a green thumb, Bucky is a bridge troll who's new in town, and knock-knock jokes are a viable form of currency.)

It's a bittersweet ending (if you know what I mean) by relenafanel [Stucky, 1k words, Teen]

“I’ll see you around, Steve,” Bucky answers with a smirk, moving away from the counter with a wink.

Steve watches him go. Bucky’s wearing a pair of skinny jeans coated in something to give the appearance of leather. It’s impossible to not watch him go.

stuck on you by wearing_tearing [Stucky, 5k words, Teen]

“Bucky? You don’t look so hot.”

Bucky makes a tiny little sound in the back of his throat, only to start coughing. Of course he doesn’t look hot. He’s sick and he’s dying and Steve obviously isn’t attracted to him.

Decision-Making in Relationships (Paid Research Opportunity!) by castiowl [Stucky, 8k words, Teen]

Clint looked thoughtfully at the flyer. “I guess your actual roommate wouldn’t be down with it?”

Bucky frowned. “Have you met Steve Rogers?”

no way out but through by hollimichele [Stucky, 9k words, Teen]

Steve never sees it coming.

you got blood on your hands (and i know it's mine) by nighimpossible [Stucky, 3k words, Teen]

Bucky refuses to see Steve after his deprogramming.

Like What You See by daisymondays [Stucky, 8k words, Teen]

For all the time Bucky’s spent fantasizing about meeting Captain America, he’d never imagined it would be while posing nude in front of a drawing class.

🌻 A Real Boy by itsnotbleak [Stucky, 5k words, Teen]

It took the Winter Soldier three weeks to remember that human beings needed to sleep and eat.

It took Steve far too long to realise the Winter Soldier was sleeping in his bed.

Amapola by chaya [Stucky, 830 words, Teen]

Total fluff. Bucky's recovering nicely. Steve's oblivious. Sometimes it's best to set aside subtlety for action.

Knocking Boots With Sugar by buckybarnesdeservestobehappy [Stucky, 4k words, Explicit]

In between summers at college, Steve Rogers wants a new adventure beyond his lonely life in Brooklyn. He ends up in West Texas working on a dude ranch where Bucky Barnes is a long-time employee. When Bucky offers to buy Steve a drink, they end up drunk on tequila and making out in public. For the rest of the summer, they're inseparable. As the summer draws to a close, Steve realizes he doesn't want to leave.

Rogers and Associate by roe87 @jro616 [Stucky, 7k words, Teen]

When they first meet, Bucky is a hooker and Steve is a cop. She's been arrested, but Steve lets her off.

Years pass and they maintain a casual friendship, seeing each other out on the streets most nights.

Though he later makes detective, Steve loses faith in the system and quits his job.

He wants to set up as a private investigator, and he asks Bucky if she'd be his assistant.

Just in time by rainbow_nerds [Stucky, 1k words, Mature]

Bucky knew the apartment he was renting was old fashioned, but walking in the front door and finding himself transported back to 1938 was not on the list of things he had prepared himself for.

🌻 You Like What's in My Head by dontcallmebree [Stucky, 15k words, Explicit] (with art by @kocuria)

Bucky can’t decide if Steve’s a tough nut to crack or incredibly easy. The timbre of his voice, a low and almost amused, “Sure, kid,” when Bucky asks for a drink feels like something gripping him on the back of his neck.

He thinks this might be one of those moments in life he’ll pinpoint in the future and either curse at for dooming himself, or remember fondly with pride.

He’s right. Bucky Barnes blunders through falling in love with Commander Rogers and tries to find a deeper meaning behind the expensive gifts and thorough fucking.

Can I Sit Here? by BuckyFrickenBarnes [Stucky, 962 words, General]

Bucky has unusual methods for getting rid of his writer's block.

Or, Bucky needs that table.

Workplace Romance by BuckyFricken Barnes [Stucky, 1k words, General]

Bucky is under the impression that his boss hates him.

Or,

Steve needs to get better at dealing with his feelings.

🌻 1-800-MAYTAG by Miss Plum @misspluckyplum [Stucky, 1k words, Explicit]

Bucky just wants to get some housework done. It gets out of hand fast. Silly little fluff and smut romp with snarky stucky boys.

Eyes of the Forest by Lordelannette [Stucky, 7k words, Explicit] (2/8 chapters available)

When Omega Bucky Barnes comes to Eagle Lake, it was in search of wolves, a creature that had not been seen in the area for decades.

What he finds instead is Steve Rogers, a handsome, though quiet Alpha who seems to be everywhere in the forest.

[mypoisonedvine]

that is fair, and i apologize once again. i don’t mean to compare our traumas, i just like you to know i understand how it feels and i’m sorry it happened to you. you aren’t alone. no one deserves that, and no one should ever go through that. i never read the fic, because it wasn’t something i was interested it. i’m and i wasn’t trying to hate/send hate to you, i just personally done understand why someone would like to relive their trauma? i still don’t know how to cope, and it’s something i’m learning and trying to find better ways of doing. i just think some people and their god awful mindsets would take this and say “oh well someone on tumblr wrote it so they must be okay with it” and as a survivor it just hurt me for a minute that someone would think that way and at the moment it just seemed as if you were encouraging so id also like to apologize for that. i was just so caught up in how i felt and how much it hurt not realizing there are people who this helps. thank you for explaining and im sorry, your writing is amazing.

honestly you don't need to apologize, I didn't really see it as hate from the beginning which is why I answered, you seemed somewhat genuine so I gave you a somewhat genuine answer. you were hurt I was hurt, we're all hurt, that's okay. I just appreciate you being introspective about it and hearing me out.

it feels like every time I relive my trauma, it loses some of its power. like watching a scary movie over and over.... it's just not as scary. and it sucks the first hundred times, still. then it gets easier. this is NOT me saying you should go get your rape porn fix, it's a very personal thing and it's different for everyone.

I really do get where you're coming from. you're where I was a couple years ago. I'm sorry if my first reply was too snarky, I'm glad we found a mutual understanding in this. next time you see something that seems triggering or that you just don't understand, it's better for everyone to move on. believe it or not with my shitty morals, I see stuff that really bothers me on this app a lot and for my sanity I just have to block the user and let it go.

you're not even totally wrong that some people see what I write and assume that I want to be raped. interestingly, you saw what I wrote and assumed that I might be okay with rape or support it. I've had people harass me here under the assumption I want to roleplay hard kinks with them and shit like that. it's the nature of the beast and I've learned to handle that. it's also true that abusers find fucked up content to consume. sadly there is a bevy of much worse material out there for rapists to enjoy rather than my erotica aimed at women.

I'm wishing you well and sending you lots of love and strength in your journey with trauma. I think we're better off for having had this conversation so I want to thank you for sending your first message even if it was a snap judgment. honestly I can't speak for you but on my end, no hard feelings. only love and peace to you ❤️

[blooming-violets]

I don’t understand why you wrote smitten. Dark themes are interesting but I feel that that story doesn’t really use them for good/interesting/story uses, can you explain? (And I’m generally interested, this is not hate)

Who said stories have to use dark themes for good? Who said you can't just write a straight up villain fic? Not every villain with a tragic backstory is actually secretly good in the end. Not every character has to be written as a strong hero. Not everything has to have happy endings, positive messages, and sweet little bows on top to be valid. I wanted to write a story about a man who kills people, becomes obsessed with a woman, kidnaps her and keeps her locked in a basement to have hardcore sex with her. I wanted her to be a weak person because, believe it or not, not every female character written needs to be a strong heroine figure. I wanted to explore Stockholm syndrome. I wanted to explore the psyche of a man who thinks he's doing the right thing and who doesn't see the wrong in his actions. I wanted to explore a female character who is extremely damaged and has a giant bucket full of flaws that she carries around with her everywhere. I wanted explore unhealthy relationships and people with co-dependent personality disorders and mental health issues that have become entirely derailed from thinking clearly. I wanted to muddle the lines between good and bad, right and wrong, and see what I could come up with.

And it's not even finished yet. I know how Mia's story ends. I know how her character development will go. I know if she will rise to occasion to free herself from Peter's hold or fall on her face and fail (both are perfectly valid options too! not everyone is a winner in life. sometimes people find it easier to succumb to their shitty predicaments as a coping mechanism. other times they break free. both are things that happen in the real world and both deserve to have their stories told, in my opinion). You don't know how their story will end though because I haven't finished it yet.

I wrote Smitten because I wanted to. Plain and simple. It's helped me deal with a lot of my past issues in a healthy way. It's helped me figure out why I was so secretly drawn to noncon erotica as a shameful way to get off. It helped me realize that reading or writing that stuff is not bad a thing. It's okay especially when using it as a way to heal your own trauma by putting a comfort character in the place of someone I would otherwise fear. My therapist loves that I'm doing this and that's all that really matters to me. As long as she thinks what I'm writing about is okay and healing to me then that's who's opinion I really care about.

I'm sorry you didn't find Smitten's dark themes to good or interesting but I'm okay with that because I do. It's not a fic for everyone. I say that in multiple warnings at the beginning of them. You don't have to read it if you don't like it. I promise, I won't be offended.

I love Smitten and I love the dark themes in it and, as the author, that's all that's important. I'm writing the story for me (and for @mrshipsmcgee and @liz-allyn let's be real bc they live inside my devil brain rent free and are as much as part of this fic as me at this point) and I'm posting it on the internet to a bunch of strangers. It's bound to get to people who aren't into it. That's okay. You don't have to get it. Not everything is made for you. Sometimes things are made for me and my friends and our dirty filthy brains.

[still-a-morosexual-help]

As someone who sometimes enjoys angst a lot of people use it as a way to cope with things in their life.

For me I like mc angst sometimes becuase I sometimes feel like I'm not allowed to be sad, I sometimes feel like my depression must be fake somehow becuase my life isn't bad enough to warrant me having depression even though I know that's not how it works.

Replacing mc with myself in angst on my bad days can make me feel, idk, validated for being the way I am sometimes?

And when its not mc or reader and its a character angst, reading something that makes me feel sad can also make feel like I actually have reason for being sad in the moment.

It can be a way to get out that sadness that im feeling in the moment in a way that doesn't involve me, in a way that doesn't involve self-deprecation.

Just thought I'd explain why some people enjoy angst, I know not all angst readers are like me but ice seen quite a few who are!

Hi! That's totally understandable! And I'm really happy you're able to use MC as a way to help with what you're feeling! And you said you already know this & you probably won't really care about hearing this from a stranger and ik (from personal experience) how hard it can be to believe it or even if you realistically know it's true how you can sometimes have a hard time accepting it but I want to say it out loud for anyone who needs to hear it today (& maybe a little bit for me too):

you don't have to fill a quota for your depression to be valid. It doesn't always need an actual reason to affect you and it's real because the things it's making you feel are real. Pls take care of yourselves💕

-

Back to the angst thing...

I'm not sure where I said I don't like or enjoy angst tbh....cause I read a lot of it myself too....

Hell, I write it too. I wrote some for MC & Mammon though I gave them all soft, mushy endings cause I can't stand to keep them hurting and I wrote darker, angsty ones before I got into OM! Not all of them are tagged as angst but they do all fall into the category and I always write them as a way to de-stress?? As a way to let it all out when things have been bad? I usually make the fics darker than what I'm feeling, I think as a way to make my own problems/feelings seem smaller

I don't really do self-inserts but when I'm feeling miserable I tend to read about fictional characters hurting so I can have a good cry about them instead of thinking about my own problems/feelings

Though sometimes it won't even depend on my mood and I'm just craving it for no reason

Usually I opt for angst with a happy ending but there are times when I prefer it to end sadly? Usually though, I only prefer fics that end sadly that are below 5k words, cause if I'm investing anymore time in a fic then I want a happy ending... (yes yes given that I have a 6.7k fic that ends in character death with a 2.7k alternate pov for that fic I am being a hypocrite)

Somehow, while I (somewhat rarely - only when I want to cry) read fics with a sad ending I completely avoid fics with bittersweet endings cause I can't handle that uncertainty

I don't really read OM! angst though, but I do come up with with angsty scenarios/headcanons relating to OM! when I'm at my lowest points. Nothing better than hurting Mammon to forget about the real world, have a long cry and then become emotionally numb for the next 24 hours :D

So yeah, I definitely understand where you're coming from when you say angst helps people cope with life & I do really enjoy it too

hope you have a good day nonnie♡

[k-s-morgan]

OMGGG the new chapter was so good!!! Loved it. The sweet bliss of domesticity before the dark cliffhanger was so amazing. This chapter felt like it’s own fic. I went from feeling proud of Tom’s accomplishments, relieved at their reunion, to completely devastated by the end. I was so frustrated by the both of them!!! Harry for his lack of faith in Tom and his trust in Dumbledore, even after Dumbledore has shown a substantial bias against Tom. And Tom, for falling so quickly back to his old ways, for so easily breaking the “no killing” promise he made. Ugh, these idiots just cannot communicate effectively or cope with their own feelings. Harry’s self-destructive methods annoy me because they come across as a performative punishment for Tom, but they also satisfy me, because usually Tom deserves it. Anyway. I really liked seeing the more political side of Tom’s life, his work in the ministry, and his process of charming the wizarding world. I was also happy to see Harry’s point of view and, of course, the progression of their relationship. I think you did a great job with the sex scene despite your dislike for them, it was short, sweet, and fairly subtle. I’m excited to reread the whole thing! I know you have other fics to update, so hopefully working on other fics will be refreshing! I honestly know nothing about Sebaciel or the fandom, but I love your work so much I’m considering reading it. I mean, WHGTB brought me to your Tumblr, which lead me to read your Hannigram works, getting me interested in Hannibal and watching the show. Thanks for your amazing writing as always. Sorry for the long message, I don’t write them often, so I had a lot to say!

Thank you so much for this, I can't tell you how happy I was to get your ask! I re-read it several times :D I agree with how you described it: Harry was quick to anger this time, and he showed a complete lack of trust in Tom, but at the same time, he had his reasons. Dumbledore doesn't know what happened with the ritual, exactly, but his words managed to hit Harry at his weakest spot, reminding him of how little his consent used to mean to Tom. It was very easy to believe it.

Tom's mind, in turn, couldn't survive the possibility of having to live without Harry again. It didn't matter that Harry just needed time to think - to him, it was already over, and all he wanted was revenge. He could hardly cope with being accused of something he did - facing the blame for something he didn't do was too much, his loss of Harry is still too fresh.

Additional thanks for mentioning the sex scene! I actually got some criticism for it, but I re-read it and I have to say I'm satisfied with how I wrote it. I wouldn't change anything - I thought focusing on emotions and basic instincts was the best approach here because this is something Tom had been waiting forever for. His mind couldn't function properly when it was finally happening, so there were only glimpses and feelings. I'm relieved and happy you liked it!

I'm so happy you gave Hannibal a shot! And if you choose to read Black Butler story, I hope you enjoy it! The premise is fairly simple and doesn't require much knowledge of canon: a boy sold his soul to a demon in exchange for his help with getting revenge, and every year, they get sucked deeper into an obsessive, destructive relationship.

[heartsmadeofbooks]

Hi! I'm a survivor of abuse - physical, emotional and sexual both by a parent and by a significant other and I still do not understand Kurt in Solid Gold. I truly feel he has just been taking from Blaine. I wish he'd spoken to Blaine about why he ended their engagement before sleeping with him again and spending so much time with him and Ollie. I think my reaction to Kurt fleeing after Blaine blurted out he loves him would have been different if they would have at least had that conversation. However, they haven't, so it just feels like Kurt is being selfish. It seems like people want to excuse Kurt dismissing Blaine and his feelings just because of Kurt's trauma. I just can't do it. If Kurt needed to focus on himself and his recovery, then he should never have gotten that close to Blaine again. He should have limited their time together. I hate to say it, but it truly feels like Kurt was just using Blaine because he was comfortable with him and he knew Blaine was safe and would always be there. I usually stick up for Kurt in every argument but I can't in this fic. Kurt is in the wrong. He's been taking so much from Blaine but doesn't have the decency to explain his actions to Blaine. In my opinion, both Kurt and Blaine need to have a real and honest conversation and then step away from each other to start healing separately. Kurt isn't the only one who needs to heal Blaine does too.

Hi.

First of all, thanks for your bravery and for sharing your experience with me, I'm sure it's not easy, as I'm sure it wasn't easy reading the story at one point or another. I appreciate that you did it anyway.

Kurt is definitely in the wrong, that is not the question here. The way he reacted wasn't okay, he should have talked to Blaine. But we all respond differently when we are faced with something that overwhelms us or frightens us. I'm not saying Kurt's reaction is the only way to react, it's just one of many.

Your line about Kurt using Blaine because he's safe and comfortable is one I've read in many of the earlier reviews, and one of the reasons behind the direction in which the story is going now - Kurt rediscovering himself and learning to trust his feelings so he can move past his doubts and his fears to find happiness with Blaine.

I don't want to spoil the rest of the story for those who are actually enjoying it, so here's what I will say: Kurt isn't perfect, just like I'm not perfect. But I believe in what I wrote, I believe in the direction I chose for this and the ending I wrote for this. At this point it's probably important that I say that I'm technically not an abuse survivor, none of my past experiences are even near to what I wrote for Kurt here and what I imagine you must have gone through. So maybe it's not the most accurate representation for you or for other people who went through it, though I've talked to some people who agree this makes perfect sense. We all view the world differently and we all cope with our trauma differently. We are all valid.

I did my research, I wrote this as respectfully as I could, and I honestly did not expect this kind of response. I'm sorry if it was upsetting or triggering for you.

To everyone reading this, please remember that this is a piece of fiction, and not only that, but fanfiction. There is no obligation to read it, no obligation to comment on it, no obligation to like it. I write it because I love telling stories, particularly when they involve Kurt and Blaine, and I love telling stories about the good and the bad, because that's life, guys. Life isn't always perfect and nice and fun and romantic. Sometimes it's a shit hole. And writing about it helps me cope, and helps me find happiness and helps me think things through. I share it with you all because it makes me happy and it helps me connect with people with my same interests. I honestly didn't expect this kind of response to the last few chapters.

Anon, thanks again for your message and I hope you're well.

♥