#i can’t imagine it being DRY cuz there’s so much like water stuff and usually it floats above water or the sea so

[knuxadowyuri]

i need to see the layout of angel island I NEED TO BE THERE i need to live there. no i shan’t because that’s knuckles’ home but i wanna breathe it in and live it PLSSS tropical paradise i wanna feel it!!!!!!

[hollyhomburg]

You make me Happy

(Hybrid! Jungkook x Reader)(Drabble) 

Summary: When Puppy Jungkook finds out you’re depressed, he makes it his mission to make you happy! ...with a little help from the others.  Tags: Depression, references to not eating due to depression, night terrors, allusions to polyamory- specifically Hoseok x Reader x Puppy! Jungkook x Cat! Jimin x Cat! Yoongi W/c: 1.9k A/n: well- I sent this over text to @peeachypop last night at like midnight and then woke up and made it a full little Au! hope you guys enjoy it! happy birthday, Jungkook!

Like okay, imagine puppy! hybrid jungkook who is a little nieve, and Doesn’t exactly understand how the world works cuz he grew up on a farm and never lived in a city until he was adopted by the reader. 

The city is so nice!!! With so many interesting smells and foods that make his mouth water and things that he hasn’t experienced like VR clubs and coffee shops and bars- not that he really ever gets the chance too because his new owner is a little bit of a recluse.

And you don’t really keep a lot of yummy things in their fridge but you let him order anything he wants! “Oh my god, this is the best you mean I can call talk to someone on the phone and then food shows up! That’s magic!” And maybe you don’t really eat a lot of it but like! Jungkooks never spent a lot of time around humans so he doesn’t immediately register it as an issue. 

And on the days that Jungkook manages to convince you to go out of your apartment it never lasts for long because the sick sticky smell of anxiety clings to you, and Jungkook can only tolerate so much distress from his owner before his protective instincts kick in and he takes you home. 

There are other things too, nights when you hold your head in your hands or he hears you crying in your bedroom. or how listless and sad you seem, how you seem to pull away some days and go silent or answer Jungkook’s many questions with one-word answers. 

there are better days too- when you take Jungkook to the hybrid park and seem genuinely okay for a little before you get bad again

he finds a few old photographs pushed in the back of a drawer- you smiling with a man who seems a little reserved. and when he asks you you snatch the photo from him and push it back away where you don’t have to think about him. “my ex” 

Jungkook is confused, “you mean your mate?” Jungkook doesn’t understand because aren’t mates supposed to be forever? he relays as much and you shake your head a small smile playing on your lips. “not usually, though if you’re lucky they are,”  

“Why did he leave? did he-” Jungkook tucks his chin in, suddenly embarrassed because you don’t talk about this- about why you don’t get out of bed some days and why you always look exhausted and worn out and shakey. “Did he leave because you’re sick?” 

and maybe it would have offended you before, but Jungkook is looking up at you with such worried eyes, so Ernest and careful. You hesitantly reach a hand up and rub over his ears scratching around the base of him, and his tail starts wagging up a rhythm against your couch. 

“I’m not sick Kookie I just have depression” and he tilts his head to one side because he Doesn’t know what depression is and you explain it like “it’s just when someone gets really sad sometimes or all the times okay?” he nods quick, because that he can work with, that he understands. 

Jungkook makes it his mission to make you happy. He’s just trying to be a good hybrid and he loves you so much, you deserve to be happy!

So he does everything to try to keep you smiling, doing more house chores and making up elaborate games to play with you. The day he takes a bath and starts blowing bubbles in the water (i mean have you seen those videos of german shepherds blowing bubbles and getting so happy and like yipping at it? that’s Jungkook) and you giggle so loudly that now every time you give him a bath he does it. 

he even starts to sleep in your bedroom too! because one night he hears you crying and can’t leave you alone. He whines and nuzzles into your cheeks, licking away your tears a little and running a hand through your hair, because humans need pets too, and you actually let him comfort you, bury your head in his chest and sob. 

He knows enough that sometimes you just wake up in the middle of the night sometimes, has woken up to the sound of you crying and come to scratch at your door before you started to let him in. 

He starts sleeping in your bed and sometimes you grumble a little and hover, a few inches away not sure if he wants to cuddle, and he always snuggles up to you and grins, kissing your cheek and making you blush and smile shyly before you shut off the light. And on those nights when he can hold you close- safe from sadness in his arms- he feels accomplished, feels like he’s making you better. 

Sometimes he knows he fails. sometimes you wake with shadowed eyes and immediately go back to sleep no matter how Jungkook tries to pull you out of bed. on those days he feels powerless and like he’s not making a difference at all. 

One day you take an afternoon nap because for some reason you’re just too tired today, and Jungkook decides that oh! He can go get you some snacks at the conscience store across the street! He’ll be back before you wake up and then you can wake up to something sweet. And maybe you’ll give him one of those small sleepy smiles and you’ll eat it in his lap while he plays video games in your living room. 

And he doesn’t really understand that hybrids aren’t supposed to be let outside in their own. It’s not exactly against the rules but like, if he was causing trouble he knows that he would be picked up by hybrid control. And though the shop keeper gives him a weird look, he lets Jungkook peruse the small isles of snacks for a few minutes before he comes over- it’s pretty quiet after all. 

Eventually, he asks him if he needs help and Jungkook is like all pouty because as much as he’s wracking his brain there are just so many choices and Jungkook doesn’t want to choose wrong. Jungkook explains to the shopkeeper, he looks like he would know. he’s got a kind smile and auburn hair that curls against his temples and a little enamel pin of snoopy and a little purple horse pinned to his work shirt.

“I don’t really know what my owner likes and I’m just trying to make her happy” and the attendant nods along like it’s the most pressing issue of the day, “I see, well you could always go for something sweet?” he smiles, and it’s so charming, so bright too, it makes Jungkook blush, and suddenly a lightbulb goes off in Jungkooks head. 

“I know what would make her happier!!! You definitely would!!!” Queue Jungkook dragging a confused Hoseok over to your apartment and you being shocked and concerned when you open the door (Jungkook forgot the code again) because you never thought Jungkook would like- bring in an actual stranger to your apartment to make you happy.

But Hoseok is so chill about it and just laughs it off “it’s okay really! I was gonna take my break anyway- and he seemed like really concerned about you too. And I have a hybrid of my own so I know how protective they can be/”

And he lingers in the doorway, before you offer him a cup of coffee- better than the stuff they make in the convenience store, and he accepts (luckily you favor the to-go cups when you have to go to work) and you sit and talk about his hybrid for a moment (a cute kitten hybrid named jimin who according to Hoseok used to pout for hours whenever Hoseok had to leave for work.) before he has to get back to work. 

 but before he leaves he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a cookie package or something and he’s like, “oh yeah he said you like things that were sweet and I don’t have time to eat anyway! by the way, if you ever want to stop by and talk about hybrids my schedule is-” And maybe Jungkook sees the way you smile at Hobi and thinks “mission accomplished!” 

And takes you by the store whenever Hoseok works sometimes for ramen 4 times in the same shift. And of course, you meet his hybrid who ends up becoming Jungkook’s best friend! even though you remind him that like- best friends don’t help each other through heats and ruts, or kiss on the couch, to which Jungkook replies, “Then why did you and hobi sleep together after you went out drinking to celebrate his new job? and you help me with my ruts all the time and how are we not friends?” which makes you change the subject verry verry abruptly 

And then a few months into your sort of friendship Hoseok finds injured hybrid Yoongi in the alleyway behind the store and brings him to your place because its closest.

and then maybe months later when Yoongi has moved into your apartment and Hoseok has gotten a better job and actually moved into the apartment across the hall from yours (all so he can coe-own hybrid Yoongi with you- and not because like- he wants to be closer to his friend who he like might have a crush on). 

Maybe you’re just washing dishes or something with Jungkook drying them and putting them away, and both kind of lamenting because its almost been a year since you adopted Jungkook. 

And Jungkook says something about the time you used to be sad because like- thankfully you’ve gotten a lot better, and he’s a little wistful and a little insecure because he feels like it was all of them who made you happy and not Jungkook. 

And he says something like “well the others are what makes you happy so I don’t know why you’d want to go on a date just us too on the night that Yoongi and jimin are going out to a movie with hobi,” 

and you’re like stunned, because you thought Jungkook knew how much he meant, you’re instantaneously like “Jungkook, you make me happy all the time, without even meaning too, everything you do makes me happy, even when you just like, sit next to me on the couch or hold my hand I’m happy” 

and Jungkook just legit bursts into tears and pulls you close, because really- he had absolutely no idea that he did and it makes him so over the moon. And he just like, happy cries into her shoulder and they sit for a while and end up going and getting chicken by the river or something for their date and to celebrate and Jungkook’s a little sniffly all night and holds you close because like yeah- you make him super happy too. 

and you know, no matter what happens with the others, as long as you have Jungkook you’ll be happy too. 

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #246

(song lyrics here idc)

What is the most you’ve ever eaten in one sitting? I don't know. Probably too many slices of pizza back when I could kill pizza if I was hungry enough. How often do you skip breakfast? Rarely. What’s the longest you’ve gone without leaving the house? A couple+ weeks, probably. Where are you going the next time you go out? School. What kinds of things are likely to make you cry? Reunions of like any type, seeing things (esp. animals) in pain, if my feelings are deeply hurt, deaths... stuff like that. Really nothing unusual. What are some things that make others cry that don’t make you cry at all? Hm. I dunno. I'm sure there's something, but I'm unsure. If you drink/smoke, how often do you do these things? I don't smoke, and I'll ever only have like a drink or two on some holidays or for my birthday. What website do you spend the most time on and why? YouTube because it essentially replaces television for me. What’s the most amount of time you’ve spent online? Is this usual for you? Oh my god don't ask me this. What is one belief you used to have, but no longer do? In what ways are you influenced by the opinions of others, if ever? The one I disdain the most was being homophobic up to my late teenage years. I wanna curb stomp that ignorant fucking kid. I wouldn't say I'm influenced by other's opinions on things very much. What was the last thing to make you feel good about yourself? Drinking water lmao. How would you describe your overall (or preferred) personal aesthetic? My friend recently described me as a "gothic lolita" and y'know he's onta something. What kinds of small judgments are you likely to make about others? *Small* judgments? Uhhhh... God why am I blanking on surveys so much lately. What was the last thing you did mostly because society expected you to? Shower, 'cuz I seriously wasn't feeling it but needed to anyway. When was the last time you felt out of place? I had to babysit my nephew on my own early last month and I felt like I was in a different universe. I felt so, so unfit in the position and just all-around uncomfortable. I love that boy to death but babysitting is noooooot my thing. Do you believe in aliens, spirits, or angels of any sort? Yeah. Well, not "angels" by true definition, no. In what ways are you superstitious? I'm not. Where was the last place you went walking and how far? Would you rather exercise alone or with other people? Like, for fun? Not since I was at Sara's. I DO NOT like exercising in front of other people at all. What kinds of nail polish colors do you prefer to wear? How about makeup? Black is the entirely superior makeup color. How would you describe your own relationship with makeup? It's just for fun for me when I actually feel like it, and even that's rare. I usually only put makeup on for some pictures. Who has been in your life the longest amount of time? What about the shortest? My mom the longest, and my school teachers the shortest, I guess? Who was the last person to leave your life? How about return to it? My fucking therapist that deserves my fist through her face. Return, uhhhh yeah I dunno. It might be Sara, and that was yearsss ago. When it comes to travel, what kinds of places intrigue you most? Wildernesses, especially with mountains, rivers, waterfalls... that kind of stuff. Do you think humans colonizing Mars is a good idea? Would you go, if you could? No. Focus on the goddamn planet we're already on. If it was a life or death situation, I'd go, but otherwise, I'm staying here and at least trying to patch it up. What is the farthest you’ve walked in one day and what made you do it? Oh, many miles, I'm sure. I used to walk for literally hours out in my yard at night with my iPod. That was so common for me. Funny how now I'm recovering from muscle atrophy in my legs. Do you have a chore/housecleaning routine or anything like that? A "routine," no. How organized would you say your living space is? The house is currently a travesty. What is something important that’s often on your mind lately? Success in school. Do you find it easier to forgive yourself or others? Others. Have you ever had to call 911? For who/what reason? Yes; Mom thought she might've been having a heart attack. Thank fuck she wasn't. Do you like oatmeal? If so, what kinds of things do you like in it? Oh yeah. It's like a regular for me now that I'm big time trying to lose weight. I like the apple cinnamon one. What was going on the last time you felt nostalgic? Thinking about that walking question. How much attention do you pay to the movements of the stars and planets, and do you believe they influence anything? The most non-Pagan belief I have is being void of this one. No. When was the last time you were afraid to tell someone something? Heh, speaking of being (mostly, ig) Neo-Pagan. Classmate and I were doing an assignment getting to know each other and she asked my religion. She was a serious Christian and was clearly SO uncomfortable when I awkwardly answered lmao. When was the last time something didn’t go the way you expected it would? My disability case hearing just a week back. I expected to be way, way more terrified, shaking even, and was prepared for an intimidating judge. Just in general I was afraid of it being "court-like" and with a lot of people, but it was okay. I think having my attorney there was crucial to my (relative) calmness, though, because I was comfortable with and liked him. What is the most difficult or involved video game you’ve ever played? Most difficult that I ever tried, Dark Souls. Quit that waaaay early. Hardest that I've beaten, I honestly think The Legend of Spyro: The Eternal Night. Don't even @ me w/o trying it yourself 'cuz that game was so fucking hard to where I rage-quit for years until beating it. I did play it a second time for fun, though. Still hard. Most involved, oh, easily World of Warcraft. Years of effort put into too many characters la;ksdjfawoei Have you ever taken lessons for anything? Yeah; dance for a very long time as well as guitar. What’s your favorite band’s name? Well Ozzy goes solo. Btw I nearly died when I heard the Parkinson's news wtf life how dare why him- Who is your last sent text to? My mom. What’s your favorite flavor of Gatorade? I do noooot like Gatorade. What does your bikini look like? Oh hunny I'm barely comfortable in a one-piece. Do you drink the milk after you finish cereal or just leave it in the bowl? I can almost never drink it. The taste is just changed and is usually gross. Have you ever worn glitter eyeliner? No, yikes. Imagine that getting in your eye. Has anyone ever called you a hippie? I don't think so. Did you have any unread texts this morning? No. Have you ever been involved in strength training? No. Who is the last person you kissed? Sara. Have you ever been to a pottery painting store? No. Are bonfires common with you and your friends? Not at all. I don't think I've ever done that with friends. If you’re really quiet, what is probably the reason? I'm thinking about something intently. What does your boyfriend/girlfriend call you? N/A How much does the last person you kissed mean to you? A whole lot. Do you use lotion? If my skin is particularly dry. Have you ever used a sewing machine? No. Is hairspray a staple in your morning routine? I've never regularly used it. Do you believe in teenage love? Fuck yes I do, I can promise you that. When is your favorite TV show on regularly? It's discontinued. Who is your favorite person to waste time with? Sara. What has been the most significant thing to happen to you this year? Well, it's the first day of February, so I'll imagine you're asking about the past year, in which case I went back to school. What kind of kid were you when you were seven? Happy, weird, kinda hyper, outgoing and goofy. Do you always eat those mints you get at some restaurants? Yeah, if they're not the semi-soft ones that kinda melt in your mouth. Ew. Is there a subject you know so much about that you’d be able to teach it? Sure, but nothing like seriously important. Do you believe that being ‘cultured’ is important? Why or why not? I mean, probably if you travel. It's definitely wise to try to act at least semi-"appropriately" in another country. Where did you purchase the computer you’re using right now? Best Buy or Office Depot, idr. Do you think it’s fair to compare Family Guy to The Simpsons? I don't care? Will you miss CDs if they end up going obsolete? Why or why not? Not really, I just don't care. If you could relive one hour of your life so far, what would you choose? I don't have a clue. Do you think animals have a sense of humor? Probably. Animals can definitely act silly. Are you proud of your hometown, or do you try to distance yourself from it? That place is shit. Has your idea of the perfect romantic partner changed with age? Oh yeah, to a degree at least. I had such a fairy-tale ideology on love back then. How many cars have you ever owned? Myself, zero. Can you do math in your head well? I almost can't at all. What’s your favorite flavor of potato chip? Oh man, that's hard. Maybe salt and vinegar. Do you ever read the weather forecast? I mean I'll check the app on my phone occasionally. Do amusement park rides make you sick? Thus far in my life, no, but I'm too afraid to try some out of fear of that. Who is your favorite Star Wars character? Don't even like SW. What kind of cheese do you put on your sandwiches? American. What radio station do you listen to the most? None. Who was the last person to give you a gift? A family friend for Christmas. How old were you when you got your driver’s license? I'm about to be 24 and still don't have it. What was the first thing you ever learned how to cook? Scrambled eggs. Did you ever collect beanie babies? Maybe? I know I had one big one (me and my sisters had a matching set of different colors; mine was pink, what a shocker), but idk if I actually collected them. When was the last time you got a haircut? Early last month. Have you ever been to a bachelor/bachelorette party? No. How many people can you say you TRULY love? Romantically? Two. Platonically, a whole lot. Where are you most ticklish on your body? My feet jfc. Have you ever bailed anyone out of jail? Nope. What’s the last board game you played? Shit, what's it called. Something with my nephew. It's the one with the popping dice in the middle and four different colors to move around the board. "Sorry!" or something? Have you ever given someone a fake phone number? Might've when stupid kid me made prank calls. Do you have any bumper stickers on your car? No. Do you leave good tips when you eat out at restaurants? I've never been the one paying. Do you still own any VHS tapes? I'm sure Mom has home videos stored somewhere. If there was a real Jurassic Park, would you visit it? Oh fuck yeah 'cuz I'm dumb and love dinos. Have you ever gone golfing? Not legit golfing. Do you know any sign language? No. How many friends do you have that are married? Close friends, like people I still regularly talk to, none. Do you still have your wisdom teeth? Yes. Did you have a swing set in your yard when you were a child? Yes. Do you eat your mac & cheese with a fork or a spoon? I don't really care so I haven't noticed which I usually use. Where did you have your first kiss? His bed. When you were a kid, were you ever afraid of cooties? Lol no. Do you ever go Christmas caroling in December? No, I could never omg. Which overrated tattoo are you sick of seeing? I don’t care. Get what you want. What was the last thing you taught a younger kid? Apparently to say "aw shucks" at everything lmao. Are the clocks in your house mostly digital or analog? Digital. We have on analog in the living room. How long have you had your television(s)? God, years. A loooong time, but it's a fine TV. Do you like watching movies made with CGI or do you prefer hand-drawn ones? I tend to enjoy CGI more. I like realism in what I watch. Where did your parents buy their car(s)? Dad, idk. Mom got hers for free; a dance friend ran into a deer, so the front bumper got fucked up, and she wanted a new vehicle. Mom took it because shit, it was drivable, and she DIY fixed up the bumper to make sure it stays in place. Literally with zip ties and duct tape lmfao but HEY it WORKS. Do you know why your grandparents chose your mother’s name? No. Do you think you’d do well at teaching the English language to a foreigner? I think I'd be at least decent. What is a store you like that is exclusive to your country? Idk what's only exclusive to the country. If you attend school, what time do you usually get home after? Like, 4:35 or so. Mom finishes her field work at 4, and afterwards we go home. Have you written a resume before, either for yourself or someone else? Yes. What is your favorite thing about snow? IT'S PRETTY. What do you usually do when you have trouble sleeping? Try to go back to sleep at first, and if I really can't, I get back up on the laptop for a while. Are you satisfied with your social life (or lack thereof)? NONONONONONONONO. What TV show do you just assume you wouldn’t like? 13 Reasons Why. Do your friends have more money than you? lol duh I make none. Who always has the power to make you feel intimidated? Pretty much men as a whole...

[avelera]

*emerges from their grace* a chubby Newt that stress eats???? Also hi it's been a while :v

aaaah, babe it’s been too long!! Thank you for the prompt!

This one’s gonna combine a few Anon prompts too including: 

Chubby Newt never manages to lose his lovehandles even in the middle of the war, his eating habits aren’t always the best and there’s always junk food wrappers in his room but he’s always comfortable and soft and friend-shaped.

&Newton’s one of those kids that stacked on the puppy fat as a teenager but assumed he’d grow more and even out but he just… didn’t? Like, he’s taller than he was which is nice but he’s also still got chipmunk cheeks and a few stretch marks on his thighs and for all his talk of being a “rock star” he can actually be quite sensitive about these things, especially when it comes to being intimate with someone (he’s had a few bad experiences). But he’s still got a rockin bod! 

And mostly:

sickfic type thing with (a lil chubby) newt who ate too much and hermann taking care of him—

On the Risks (and Benefits) of Stress Eating

Also available on Ao3

Words: 2,682 (I knooow)

Ship:Newt/Hermann

Timeline: Shatterdome era

Man I just remembered I was thinking of tying my SFW Shatterdome era prompt combo one into the tattoo prompt but then sickfic took over. OH WELL. I’ll get to that one soon cuz it’s amazing.

This ficlet is proooobably gonna lead into my NSFW prompt combo, just FYI ;3

—-

“Newton, maybe you should slow down?”

Newt grunted in acknowledgement of Hermann’s point, whatever it was, and went back to summarily ignoring it. The LiDAR mapping of the latest Kaiju attack had just come in and he needed to square them with the video as well since there was almost zero chance he’d get any live samples from this one. He’d have to make do without. He crunched on another potato chip without tasting it and when the bag was empty tossed it on the ground with the pile of others. His brain hummed, streamlined and focused from taking his medication twice today and if he stayed focused he could ride this wave to getting a week’s worth of work done in an evening. And if he could manage just a few, oh, thousand more nights like that then maybe they’d have a shot at winning this war.

“…Newton, that’s your fifth bag of junk food, this is getting obscene. At least let me fetch you a meal from the cafeteria before it closes? Perhaps something with a vitamin buried in it somewhere?”

“No thanks,” Newt muttered. Could the guy not see he was busy? Cafeteria food meant knife and fork which meant freeing up his hands which meant breaking his concentration and he was on a roll. Achieving this level of focus was a once in a blue moon thing for him, usually he needed to bounce between three projects to finish any and sure, that meant three projects got done in the time it took most people to do one, but he wasn’t going to stop now when hyperfixation was helping him out for once. Just to make the point he blindly reached over and grabbed another bag of snacks, tearing it open with his teeth and burying his hand inside to stuff his mouth full before returning his hands to the keyboard.

“… Newton, I…”

Newt snarled and spun in his chair. “What is it, Hermann? Can’t you see I’m working, or at least I’m trying to if you wouldn’t interrupt every five minutes?!”

Hermann recoiled, his hand snatching back from where it had presumably hovered at Newt’s shoulder. He drew himself up, expression growing pinched and severe. His suit jacket was tossed over one arm and he gripped his cane hard in the other hand. “It’s been three hours since I last interrupted you and before that it was another two. I only interrupted this time to tell you I’m retiring for the evening, so do remember to switch the lights off this time,” he said stiffly.

Newt blinked then his eyes drifted to the clock blinking military time on the wall. 2300 hours. Oh. His vision swam now that it broke from the screen and he realized he didn’t feel so great. Like, not great at all, maaaybe more than a little nauseous.

Then he spotted the pile of junk food bags and wrappers in a halo around his chair. His lap was encrusted with crumbs and his keyboard wasn’t much better. He prided himself in his total lack of squeamishness but this was…kinda more than a little disgusting.

About as disgusting as he felt right now.

Hermann’s wide lips thinned to a line. “I did try to warn you.”

Newt groaned and flopped back in his chair, which was a big mistake because the accidental stretch sent a pang through his belly and he doubled over, heaving shallow breaths and trying to swallow back the nausea.

“And don’t throw up on my shoes, if you would be so kind.”

“No promises,” Newt wheezed. Hermann took a careful step back out of the “blast radius.” Newt swallowed a few more times, fumbled for water bottle on his desk and took a swig. His medication left him dry-mouthed so he always had one handy. After a tense moment, the wave of nausea passed which only reminded him of the other gross part of his hyperfixation bouts.

Stress eating. His whole body felt bloated and gross and his stomach distended to just this side of pain. The buttons on his shirt were tight and if Hermann would just take off already so he could unbutton his pants and breathe he’d feel much better. His stupid, tight pants were only a fashion statement when he wasn’t spilling out of them like an over-ambitious muffin in front of the guy he’d been hopelessly dreaming about boning since he were twenty-fucking-three, and right now he couldn’t imagine feeling any less sexy. Newt buried his face in his hands with a groan.

“You can go. Don’t worry, I’ll get the damn lights,” Newt muttered into his hands, then scraped them back through his hair as he sat up. Hermann was still standing there looking, if anything, kinda… worried.

“Are you certain you don’t need help returning to your quarters?” Hermann said. “I know how it can be with your… your mind the way it is, and it does you no favors when you lose track of your surroundings, and worse, your own wellbeing like this.”

“You say “lose track” like it was something I had control over,” Newt said dryly.

“My apologies, I know it’s not as simple as that, I merely meant…”

Newt waved him off. “Nah, don’t worry about it. Thanks for trying earlier, sorry I was a dick about it.”

“Well, I won’t contradict you on that point.”

Newt snorted. On any other night it would be way too embarrassing to let Hermann walk him back, people might get ideas. They might get the exact idea that Newt was really hoping someone would get, and that someone was Hermann, when Newt went through waves of getting handsy with the guy when the crush got too bad and then scrambling away again when another fight flared. Usually because Hermann had a stupid opinion about Newt’s research, or Newt had an opinion about Hermann’s stupid research. It was just how they were, and fighting was almost as good as fucking when it came to breaking up the very one-sided sexual tension.

Ugh, sexual tension. No fucking chance of breaking that tonight. Maybe it was for the best.

“Actually, y’know what? I think I could use that hand,” Newt winced.

He wasn’t sure if he should expect another exasperated retort or jibe for that one, but Hermann said nothing, only offered his arm to Newt the way he’d done countless times in return.

Hermann must have deemed this episode to be on the no-insults side of the line that existed between them, where dwelled the topics Never To Be Discussed, mostly stuff they had no control over. Newt never brought up the leg unless it was logistically necessary and Hermann never brought up Newt’s weird brain except for similar reasons (one time Newt heard that Hermann tripped a J-tech with his cane for calling Newt that spastic freak in the dungeon but try as he might Newt couldn’t get anyone to verify that crowning moment of awesome). Their insults always stayed in the realm of the other’s stupid research, or stupid clothes, or stupid hair/tattoos, stuff that they had control over (and god if only Hermann would take control of that wardrobe). For whatever reason, Newt stuffing himself with junk food on a work binge counted as “stuff they couldn’t control” and for that he was endlessly grateful.

The floor swayed beneath Newt’s feet and he had to swallow back another wave of nausea as he stood. He leaned on Hermann’s arm more than he’d really meant to when he’d accepted, he didn’t want to hurt the guy, but while their progress was slow out the lab (Newt got the lights on the way) and down the hall to their rooms. Hermann hesitated outside Newt’s door.

“Would you like me to come in…?” Hermann said hesitantly.

God, yes, Newt thought, not that he could ever say it.

“God, yes.”

Crap.

“… and see you settled?” Hermann finished.

Double-crap. Just play it cool, Newtster.

“Sure, I feel like total shit. Maybe you could rub my tummy or something?” he winked.

That wasn’t cool at all.

Newt grimaced. It’s not like he cared what Hermann-stick-up-his-arse-Gottlieb thought about him (ok he did care, a lot, way too much) but even his not caring was more about hoping that attitude came across in a reckless, devil-may-care, sexy bad boy kind of way. Not because he was too nauseous and bloated to give a shit that he was covered in crumbs instead of engine oil or alien guts, and just generally gross.

Instead of waiting for Hermann’s inevitable exasperated huff and retort about Newt’s talking nonsense, he opted for spinning the industrial-grade lock on his door and going inside. He stumbled through the doorway and only then turned to see Hermann still standing there, his cheeks lit up like Christmas.

“Is it something I said?” Newt hazarded.

Hermann shook himself. “Your… stomach, is it really hurting that much? All jests aside, Newton, the medical bay is closed but I’d be happy to help however I may. Your health is a serious matter.”

Newt’s eyes narrowed. Since when was Hermann helpful about anything? “You want to rub my stomach?”

Hermann’s face turned crimson and for once it was definitely not with anger.

“I…” Hermann said in a strangled tone.

“Look, I’m gonna get ready for bed,” Newt said and jabbed his thumb back over his shoulder at his rumpled pile of comforters. Godzilla sheets poked out at the corners, it wasn’t exactly a love nest. “You can do whatever you want.”

Newt turned and back to unbutton his shirt. The iron door clanged shut behind him and he sighed, exhaling to allow his gut to hang over his pants and sighing with deeper pleasure when his fingers reached the top button of his pants. He’d have to file that blush away for later, because for now if he was going to take another stab at seducing the human personification of a sweater-vest (why did he crush on that guy so hard, why?) it would have to wait until he felt human again at all.

There was a polite cough from behind him.

Newt shrieked and whipped around, his hands flying to cover himself since the pants had slid halfway down his thighs. Hermann stared, his fist covered his mouth until he slowly lowered it. “I… you said whatever I… I’d feel better if I knew you were…” Hermann cleared his throat. “I’ll just see myself out, then.”

“Wait,” Newt blurted. Seriously, Hermann was still here? Newt had said he could do whatever he wanted and he’d stayed? “Was that offer serious?”

Hermann turned back and the blush was there again, heating up to his ears. “I… I wouldn’t have offered if it wasn’t,” he said stiffly.

“I, well… sure? Hell, why not? It’s not like I was going to get any sleep without it,” Newt said. Right, they were just pals here. Pals who were mostly rivals, pals who definitely didn’t have crackling sexual tension filling the room like a Tesla coil gone haywire. That was only in Newt’s head. He tentatively finished unbuttoning his shirt and tossed it over the back of his desk chair before bending to shuck his trousers. “Thanks, man, I guess that means I owe you.”

“What are you doing?” Hermann squawked.

“Getting ready for bed?” Newt said with a raised eyebrow. “Dude, you stayed, sorry if that means you get the whole package because I am not wearing anything except boxers to bed.” He paused, and it couldn’t get much worse anyway so he added with a wink, “And even that’s a concession.”

He snickered under his breath as Hermann sputtered but then, the guy had volunteered and there was something going on with that blush that had the wheels in Newt’s brain turning. It’s not like he could do anything more to sabotage his future chances with Hermann anyway, so might as well not worry about it. He flopped down on the bed, then winced and curled in on himself as the pangs returned with a vengeance. Yeah, it hadn’t been a total joke about the not being able to sleep. The first time he’d had a night like this was when he started undergrad as a teen and back then he’d averaged at least one night like this a month.

“Here, just let me,” Hermann huffed as he sat down beside Newt on the bed. He was still wearing the shirt and sweater-vest, which made Newt feel a little underdressed for the occasion until he reminded himself that Hermann was overdressed which instantly made him feel better. Hermann’s fingers were cold but it was nice, kinda soothing as they began to massage slow circles around his belly. His soft, protruding belly with its gaping Kaiju maw and airbrushed flame abs that definitely weren’t fooling anyone at this point.

It was only a few minutes before the pain began to ease and even with a double dose of meds, Newt found relaxation taking the place of the manic energy that had powered him through the night and probably would have gotten him to the morning just in time for a spectacular crash if he’d kept riding it.

“Dude, you’re really good at this,” Newt murmured and let his eyes slide shut.

“I…ermm, I’ve watched some videos on the matter,” Hermann coughed.

Newt’s brow furrowed and he cracked an eye open. The blush was back. Interesting. Hypothesis time. “Sorry I’m so gross right now,” he said. “I know this is more up-close-and-personal you wanted to get with me, especially with the whole swollen tummy and over-eating thing.” Hermann’s blush spread. “It’s not like I plan it or anything, I just lose track of time. It’s been like this for ages, I was never a skinny kid or anything, but the freshmen fifteen hit pretty hard especially when my dads weren’t around to keep healthy food out and, uh, I grew out of a few wardrobes…”

Hermann gave a muffled squeak and his fingers dug a little too hard into Newt’s stomach so that he winced. “That’s… interesting,” Hermann said faintly. “Hrm. That is… you should be more careful in the future. I’d be happy to keep you well stocked in food of some nutritional value if it will spare you another night like this.”

“You’d feed me? That’s sweet of you, Herms,” Newt said. Jackpot. Hermann looked like he was going to start sweating if he blushed any harder, he might have already. “I’d eat from your fingers if it meant not feeling this cruddy again any time soon.”

Hermann released a deep, slow breath that shivered at the end. “D-Don’t be absurd.”

“I’m not.”

Hermann jerked to stare down at him and Newt looked back up frankly. Forget gross, he was starting to think he’d stumbled upon being quite the opposite.

He yawned hugely. “…But not tonight. I’m wiped and I need to let a little of this to go down before I think of eating anything more,” he said and patted his stomach, rubbing it once for good measure. Hermann’s eyes widened. Yup. “You can stay here if you want.”

“Why would I stay here when my quarters are next door?” Hermann said and sounded like he was trying to be offended but the words came out breathless.

Newt shrugged. “Why not? I don’t mind,” he said and curled over on his side and shut his eyes. “It’s up to you.”

He didn’t open them, just waited to hear the heavy iron door open and shut.

It didn’t.

—

[umberoff]

HI HERE IS EVERY SAI BRUSH I OWN

sooo I tend to horde brushes, like, a lot. it’s been a slowly growing collection here, but now I’ve gotten to the point where I literally have next to no room and I desperately have to delete some. BUT I’m too paranoid of the fact that I’ll need one of them again some day. so I decided to dump ‘em all somewhere!

this is basically a reference for me in the future in case I need to remember That One Brush That Did A Thing that I may have deleted, but I figure I might as well also share them all since I’m saving them anyway and maybe someone will find something they like. you can take any of them if they interest you, and feel free to change ‘em as you see fit.

most of them aren’t mine, as I’ve basically always just swiped settings from a bunch of different places, so I have no idea where most of these came from. whoops!!

if you don’t have the texture/blotmap/whatever: I unfortunately don’t have a link to where I got all of mine, but most of them are here. if something’s missing, well, google’s your pal and I’m sure you can find ‘em.

anyway they’re under the cut. warning: there is. a lot. let’s go.

Brush

blotchy and neat. doesn’t blend much, but you can turn up “Blending” if you want it to. it’s pretty good for far away trees and bushes and all

Water

my usual blender, but I don’t really use it much anymore since I prefer manually blending nowadays?? still okay to smooth stuff out though

SpaceFoam

a really nice feelin’ brush!! I don’t even know what “space foam” means but it just ~feels~ it. just has this nice, dusty, foamy texture to it. I have another version of this brush that uses “Noise” instead of “Fine Flat 2″ if you want it more round instead of square.

Crayonz

used to be a general brush for sketching/doodling, but I don’t really use it much anymore. maybe you’ll like it.

Rough Chalk

super chunky, rough, and dry chalk brush

Speckle

self explanatory I guess! pretty good for texture or large skin blemishes

Chalk(Standard)

I really like this brush-- it’s great for making simple, blended backgrounds! keep in mind, because it’s a marker, changing its opacity works differently than other brushes, ie it doesn’t “layer”, it’s just a continuous tone

Badass Inker

OKAY I ACTUALLY DO KNOW WHERE THIS ONE IS FROM it’s here. mine is changed slightly but you figure out what you like. this was my main brush for lineart before I started inking in firealpaca. very sharp and crisp.

Marker

yep

RoughBrush

PKbrush

PKblotch

usually used it for a light, textured swash of color for an overlay layer or something. it’s supposed to be a big brush, but you can have it smaller I guess??

Acrylic

except it doesn’t really resemble acrylic at all, lol. in this state I use it as one of my blenders. BUT ALSO FUN THING: set that “normal” dropdown to multiply to get a subtle darkening effect. sometimes I use this for “lineart” in paintings.

Deliciously Dry

another brush from here. very nice rough texture.

Broken Chalk

I looove this weird little guy, lol. acts normal if you just go in a line, but it’ll get all “blocky” like that if you jitter your hand. because of this, it makes a pretty interesting leaf brush! it blends pretty cool, too.

BoneDry

aaaand ANOTHER from here.

Chalk

Chalk (... again)

Grass

it’s called grass but I honestly can’t imagine using it as a grass brush, lmao. stringy and soft though, may work as the flats for hair??

Clouds

this brush is...... kinda weird?? I mean, it’s clouds I guess. it’s not really perfect, but it’ll work if you spend enough time on it. I feel like it works better painting on the same layer than its own.

Gore

this brush is awfully light and soft for something called “gore”! actually I assume it’s called that cuz you use it as a patchy effect for wounds and stuff.

CG Smooth

named so because I think it’s supposed to resemble a brush used for very smooth, glossy, cg painting. (please excuse the shitty nose, I’m way rusty)

Paint

do you know how many random generic paint brushes I have

Paint 2

cuz it’s a lot

Paint 3

a loooootttt

Parrot

I’m weirdly fond of this one even though it’s not super special. I feel like it’d be good for smooth, bright, poppy blending.

Tint

this is another weird one. it’s like..... if you wanted to do a painty wash, I guess?

Chunky

like Broken Chalk above, this is another one that gets cool things when you jitter it. this one is a little more... jagged? reminds me of broken glass

CLead

this one works weiiirdly and maybe I should make a whole separate post about it?? well for now, this one’s basically like a dry marker or highlighter or something. I like it a lot.

PSPainting

I think it’s called that cuz it’s supposed to emulate painting in photoshop, even though it...... doesn’t, really, at all.

Copic 2

Water 10

another random blender. it doesn’t work on transparent areas though! (bring its dilution down if you want it to)

Copic

I have no idea if this is even remotely close to how a copic works (probably not)

TraditionalPencil

I’m never really 100% satisfied with most “pencil” brushes in sai, but here’s one anyway I guess.

Lead

and here’s another. this is the one that I actually tend to use

Acrylic (....... again)

and like our first acrylic, this is not really acrylic at all. super soft and light blender

BrushPen

SUPER rough and textured pen kinda thing

AmazingAcrylic

if you say so, name! actually this does look like it blends p cool

RIPbrush

why is it called this. what am I even doing with half these brushes. why am I here.

NEBULA

oh wait this one’s neat (neat enough to make two images even). good for all your spacey needs! the second one is a bunch of colors and set to “luminosity”, so you can get some cool effects.

shrugs (great name)

the marker tool is a strange being but I’ve really learned to love it lately. the key to this brush is setting that drop down up there to “multiply”, so you can get really deep darks with your base color where you need it. the downside to this being that you can’t really use preserve opacity to change it to a different color or you’ll lose the effect of those darks (you can use hue/saturation/brightness shift tho, but it might be a lil weird)

aaaand everything else I didn’t post were accidental duplicates! so that’s it!! that sure was a lot but maybe you found something in here you liked ;0

[leenasleena-blog]

I Love You Too...

Authors Note: I know i should not have a thing for this devil child but damn i cannot help it…he’s like the worst but yet i don't care. Just a little drabble for any Kai girls out there..sorry if its not that great. 

Warnings: Um i guess maybe some language oh and this is damn long sorry…think that’s all. Not my best work but at least it’s something. Let me know what you think. 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

     I laid there staring at the ceiling on my bed. So as usually we save someone and then something else happens, it’s this whole freaking vicious cycle. Bonnie and Damon finally were back, but them being back somehow brought a crazy fucking sociopath with them. Malachai Parker, killed most of his family he’s like a witch but he only can get powers from some other supernatural being or something. I don't know the whole thing is nuts. He should not be here. Not to mention since the day he got here it’s like as soon as he laid eyes on me he won't leave me alone when he see’s me. So here i am staring at the ceiling thinking about none other then Kai. God what the hell is wrong with me? Yeah sure he was hot as hell and all but he KILLED basically all of his family. He very recently killed Jo on her wedding day we’re all having a hard time dealing with it, and Luke and Liv he killed also so he could be the leader of his coven..It’s been weeks since then, not really leaving my house since then he was now a heretic witch/vampire. And there was no way i was going to be his snack, Me and Matt are practically the only humans left here in Mystic falls. Caroline is my best friend and when she’s not scheming with the rest of them on how to kill Kai she hung out with me. It was about 8pm now. Knowing i’d most likely be home alone tonight i made sure the doors were locked; windows too. closing all the curtains. i walked back to my room rummaging through my dresser, i grabbed my very baggy oversized grey t-shirt and my black lace panties. Then walking into the bathroom i stripped off all my clothes, starting the water for a hot bubble bath. Waiting till the tub was full to stop the water i put my hair up in a messy bun and stepped in. Taking a deep breath trying to relax and get that devils child out of my head. Just leaning my head back, eyes closed trying to not think at all almost nodding off; that was until i felt someones hands massaging my shoulders..I jumped letting out a little scream. Turning to see none other then…Kai. I moved in the tub trying to hide my body under the bubbles. How the hell did he get in here he was never invited in? “Hey, you” Kai said with his signature smirk. “How the hell did you get in here?” i said glaring at him. “Well, you see (y/n) I'm not just a vampire. I've been looking for a spell that would get me in here for weeks. I haven't seen you since that wedding.” i felt sick what could he possibly want me for? I felt terrified, he killed his family, my friends. I felt my eyes starting to water. I blinked a few times before finally speaking up. “How dare you. How dare you, you have no right to talk about that and you have no right to just break into my HOUSE!!!” i yelled at him. He let out a small laugh. “Aw common (y/n) you know you've missed me. Besides your just such a fascinating little human, you don't expect me not to break in do you?” i was so pissed off i didn't know what to say so then he continued. “Yeah i know i killed Jo on her big day, and pretty much most of the people there including the rest of my family. They all knew it was coming…” “GET. THE. FUCK. OUT. OF. MY. HOUSE.” tears now spilling from my eyes, i was so beyond done with his crap. I just wanted him to leave. “Well i could but i mean you look so damn tasty.” “Get the fuck out Kai.” I yelled at him again his smirk only getting bigger. The water was getting cold and the bubbles were starting to dissolve. Looking at Kai. I let out a loud exaggerated sigh. He had just been standing there staring at me for the past like 5 minutes. “What are you staring at?!?” i was getting very annoyed. His smile got bigger, “You, I'm looking at you (y/n). Your so damn beautiful.” i rolled my eyes and sighed again. Haha he was being nothing but hilarious, so funny. Notice my sarcasm. “Would you at least let  me get dressed without an audience?” i tried to stay calm. Another moment of silence passed both of us staring at each other. He chuckled surprisingly leaving the room. Quickly i pulled the plug and got out drying off quickly with my fluffily towel, i yanked my panties on and pulled my shirt over my head. Walking out of the bathroom across the hall to my room. There he was sprawled out over my bed, sitting up when he seen me walk in. I just stood there in the doorway arms crossed over my chest looking at him. The more i stared at him the more mixed feelings and emotions i got. Disgust, Anger, Sadness, Hatred, Heartbreak…all because he killed my friends. He’s the reason there gone, but there was another feeling there too, oh god no. How? Why? No fucking way was that feeling, could it really be? Butterflies? “Hey why don't you come sit down?” Kai said smiling at me patting a spot on my bed. Before i could think about it i was already walking over to sit down next to him. God I'm going to be sick what the hell did he want from me? why was Kai here? Why can't he go disturb someone else? “So since I've killed Lucas and all I've been, I've been getting these weird, I've been feeling weird and i cannot figure out whats wrong.” He sounded confused, which i found kinda amusing. Sitting there silently looking at my hands while he looked around my room and at me. He spoke up again “It’s like one minute i just want to kill your friends and the next i’m feeling like, like all tingly. What is that? No one will explain it to me.” “i couldn't imagine why.” i said under my breath, but of course he heard me. “Yeah cuz I'm a sociopath killer i know. But seriously what is that? It’s happening right now.” He was looking at me intently waiting for me to answer his question. I sighed knowing he wouldn't shut up until i answered him. “Tingly, like butterflies?” “Um, yeah i guess why? What does that mean? It feels like I'm going to be sick or something, it won't go away what do i do? I haven't been able to find a spell to stop it.” “ i looked up at him staring into his blue grey eyes. “You don't do anything. It happens when you have feelings for someone, like when you like someone like alot.” “But i don't like anyone. I never have..” “Exactly, you never have because all you do is kill and hurt people. You didn't have emotions before and after you murdered my friend to ‘Merge’ with him you finally got some. And then you were turned into a dumb fucking vampire. Which when you get turned all your feelings are heightened. So not only are you a crazy witch murderer your a vampire. A stupid annoying heretic. Your evil, i don't see how you'd ever have feelings.” With that he turned away. I seen him clench his fist taking a deep breath slowly turning back seeing his dark veins under his eyes. Kai Parker was going to kill me this was it. He’s going to drain my body of blood. Thats why he’d come, he killed my friends and now he was here to kill me. This was it; this was how my story ends. Me falling in love with a killer…someone incapable of of ever feeling the same way. Someone i should in no way shape or form have feelings for. My friends would probably of killed me if they found out anyways minus well get it over with now. “What are you thinking about?” his veins disappearing. “Kai why the hell are you here? What the fuck do you want?” He seemed a little surprised. “Just wanted to see you, i missed you…” “Thats bullshit, you don't miss anyone. Your pissing me off god dammit get the hell out i want to just go to bed.” I was so done with his crap either he was going to kill me or he was going to leave. I'm not playing his stupid games. To my surprise he got up looking at me once more then he vamp sped away. Finally he was gone i crawled under the covers. Turning my lamp off. Then i started crying softly into my pillow. He’s pure evil, so much worse then Klaus was more then Katherine worst then Silas. The worst of the worse. And I'm pretty sure i was falling for him. I was falling in love with my friends murderer. He was someone i always thought about since i met him. I’d say he had put a spell on me but considering he didn't even know what feelings were i’d highly doubted it. I cried myself to sleep. I hadn't seen Kai in a month which was fine with me i did not want to see him or deal with him. I decided i was going to move out of this crap town, away from all this crazy drama. I was all packed up car was ready to go. I stopped by the grill to say goodbye to all my friends. I was seriously going to miss them. I noticed Kai in a booth in the back corner. So i was trying to say my goodbyes as fast as i could. Crying more with each person i said goodbye. Damon tried to make me laugh trying to cheer me up, telling me it’d be safer for me to leave right now anyways. I hugged Caroline last. “Saving the best for last, oh my god I'm going to miss you. Call me when you get there, and be safe. As soon as we deal with the Kai problem i will call you so you can move back.” i just smiled pulling her in for another hug tears still falling from my eyes. I said one last goodbye hurrying out the door. i was moving to Cali. Going to basically start over. i was walking back to my house to get my car and stuff. i walked the few miles back crying making it to the driveway when woosh. Oh god, please no. i slowly turned tears running down my face to see him…i didn't say anything i averted my eyes to the ground. i could feel his stare on me. It was silent for a while before he spoke up. “(y/n), whats wrong? I heard your moving and you didn't say goodbye. Why are you moving?” i stayed silent wiping my eyes. Then i closed my eyes. “(y/n) look at me. Why? Because of me? I mean I'm flattered and all but thats a bit extreme don't you think? Common (y/n) look at me..Please.” All sense of humor lost by the end of what he was saying. i opened my eyes looking him right in the eyes as emotionless as i could i said “I’m moving because someone has to make it out of this terrible town, someone has to escape the devil.” He looked away his facial expression looked as though he was sad or upset. “I’m not the devil…i did what i had to do.” i started to walk to my car when woosh there he was right in front of me. He stepped closer only mere inches away from each other now. Kai’s face sad as if i’d said something to hurt him. He looked at me and spoke again “(y/n)…I did what i had to do. I don't want you to go, why don't you just stay here it’s your home. Look I'm sorry i killed your friends..i had to..I can't stop thinking about you.” he looked at the ground. “You did what you had to do? LIKE HELL YOU DID. This isn't my home as long as your here, and you could never be sorry for what you've done..” Feeling my heart pounding practically right out of my chest trying to keep my breath steady, still looking at him. “I am sorry, id of never meant to hurt you. Ive never cared about someones feelings before nor have i ever had any myself. It’s all new to me..And i think..and i think that, that i, that i might that i might have feelings for you.” i shook my head. i don't even know how to explain my feeling for Kai it was complicated, messy even. He was this monster but i wanted to be with this monster, fighting my feelings for almost 2 months now i just have to get outta town then id be free. Kai lightly ran his hand over my cheek caressing it. Then he leaned down kissing me. i didn't kiss back though. He pulled away looking at me. Still looking upset now staring at the ground. My heart was going easily 100mph at this point. Oh my god Kai just kissed me. Malachai Freaking Parker the devil child just kissed me. Oh god was i about to spill the beans i gulped down a big lump in my throat. i coughed making him look back up at me. “Yeah probably a really bad kisser i mean it was my first time so..” He looked somewhat shy in the moment. Kai is typically a cocky son of a bitch so it caught me a bit off guard. “Kai..” “hmm?” “This is the last thing i should be telling myself let alone you, but for the past 2 months now I've been trying to completely ignore you. Your a terrible person. And i could never forgive you for what you've done but..” i paused seriously considering if i should say it. He looked at me trying to figure out what i could possibly want to say to him. i took a deep breath and continued while looking into his beautiful blue eyes. “ Kai I'm in love with you..I minus well be in love with the devil himself. I have no idea why but i just do..” I watched as his expression changed from confusion to surprised to his cocky smirk. “Don't go then say here.” then he pulled me closer n leaned down kissing me again this time i kissed back wrapping my arms around his neck fingers going into his soft dark brown hair, his hands on my hips holding me close. We stayed that way for a while before i pulled away for air. “Fine i suppose i could stay, besides my friends want to kill you so i’ll need to convince them not to but you can't hurt them.” His eyes were dilated looking into mine. “I won't….and I Love You Too.”

[tesscsanders-blog]

No Need

FREE WRITE AT DAWN IMAGINE A TWITTER PAGE KEPT BY GOD  THERE IS NO NEEED

God is without the kind of communication

that requires it. God’s voice is automatic and omnipresent it is rich truth below the other waves of sound. my gratitude is true. My aim is true and my high power is leading me where I am meant to go. I have known the difficulty of stringing words together.

How screenshots tell stories

How I search for TRAUMA

seek to define PORTENT

How the Lord is my light and my help, so whom shall I fear? How I get up and say “I’m ready”

I find proof and reminders of gratitude. I find encouragement humble and stoned. I find typos in wedding vows. Is this interesting content? Yes, Tess yes yes it is very interesting.

You are so beautiful.

HE WANTS ME TO SAY IT  remember the sun inside of me in Danville

I will have that sun again flowing up my vagina, that orgasm. The cellulite kissing dawn I saw the sun rise once and I lived to tell the tale  At the tail end is this exquisite dropping in,

how cool

the internet, how lucky, the living!

How blessed is my maker whom Phaedra prays for, too. The extent of my freedom is the extent to which I am willing to be not understood

Not understood  when I am not legible what happens?

This wrenching this wretched second-guessing and third helpings;  I have

belabored the metaphors of grief buffets

pretty sure I coined the term

grief buffet

is it a term of art?

a new business franchise?

People are ready for that kind of honesty, honestly, they are, even if they do not know it intellectually yet…. it’s all Grace, but especially the unbecoming

Am I doing this right? Yes. Less less less less more more more more more gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme some of that green sugar stuff it in there mmm mmmm ooohhh ohhhh deeper harder faster slower oh yeah just like that that’s right deeper this orgasm will save humanity this orgasm will right all of the wrongs mmmmm uhhhuh that’s the spot the redemption of all human kind right there, yup yeah yum yes that

In truth, the disgust is close to the surface. I am proud of who I am. Voice quaking like Tracy Chapman’s in the live recording of DONT GIVE UP with weird old Peter Gabriel

voice shaking

I think my friends are people. It scares me. I know my friends are human, it terrifies me.

Who are they? I have no idea! Humans as they are, they are foreign all the way. More alien than Foreigner mixed up in my psyche like the Greeks at the crux of breaking all of this up, are we? Once and for all

a free write to end all grief?

no thank you!

I know about waves and wires and tunnels and pummeling pummeling pummeling until I’m clenched in the womb. It doesn’t rhyme, but it’s my pain, it’s my loss, my potential my light to shine  BE KIND REWIND in my opinion not such a good film

when I realized ariana was following franky o the path of less resistance all-capsing the names of poems instead of italicizing

interrupting my flow state to call my sibling my unconscious mind wants their approval so bad wants simultaneously to dishonor their identity shout from the rooftops this isn’t about you sis this ain’t about you cuz it’s about me it’s about meeeee meeeee meeeee meeeeeeeee the way i am deep down convinced some nonbinary people are just flexing egos controversy the give and take of corn flakes replete i am afraid of that content i might delete THAT content

for sure deep sea fishing with sharks i’ve never been how imagination is procrastination a rose by any other name etc

My soul is thirsting for the living God; when shall I see him face to face?

a need greater than water a truth deeper than phishing a spam harder than rock He sank beneath your wisdom like a stone

i’m afraid of hurt feelings hurting feelings causing pain no you’re not, Tess, you have torn up too much to open Photo Booth now. don’t you dare do it. God

grant me the serenity

Once I tell God I won’t do something, I usually don’t do it. exit clause escape routes

pretty sure I didn’t coin the phrase escape valve and that it is a term of art, like the

wind carrier in tommy boy

i mean the

mail shoot

in tommy boy

the wind that blows his boat in the last scene

or is it the

pen

ultimate

scene

wherein tommy is on the water (shit i am gonna cry ) talking to his dad “I could use a little help”

son of a

that’s gonna leave a mark    

i want to leave

a mark            we all do

so badly so needily our fingers

pressed in every ink stamp the well has run so dry and then

though, all of these people i want to be are menstruating while i am not how hungry i am for my own blood  the manifestation of shakti who drinks from her own blood stream

opens her whole head up

this free write will not ‘save’ the world

this free write may even induce carpal tunnel

but i won’t be alone for it

SIC SIC SIC SIC SIC SIC SIC

we’re all so sick

so sick and so sick of the latest and worst and sick of being sick and tired  

la la la

it’s funny, not haha but haha

okay

sure

the way my mind chases its tail around i find myself sitting where i’ve been

cozying up to a mug from SEA WORLD

i have never been

the name elizabeth printed on it

I believe in the Resurrection. i can’t explain it to you and I don’t want to. I believe in the visitation of the angel Gabriel to Mary and I want so badly to be understood by one poet in particular. these minds these minds these minds  to whom I want to prostrate myself

SEE ME SEE ME PLEASE

It is enough, it is finished, I see you, Tessa I see you i see you baby i see you i see you you’re brilliant you are making so much sense you are making so much sense you don’t have to worry about publishing truths or falsehoods because that isn’t what you’re talking about here i relieve you this noose   | lifted |

this is not about political correctness an invention you hate and this is not about bigotry either because we both know you are not a bigot in any direction by any stretch

stretch

stretch

stretch mark of the imagination

cellulite dream we could be heros  just for one day

the need to justify when i said ego flex i meant

how precious our personhood is. when i am high and think only of how, deep down,

my pronouns are

she her he him his

how language  is nothing but everything  bang bang saxophone solo how your mind reading this does a different thing altogether how i bought a blanket 100% acrylic made in Ecuador how what other people think of me

nun of my business

none of my business that’s why I can’t let the right hand know what the left is doing. When I catch on is when the tail snakes back around

how i

felt like

Jessica was passing the torch of menses to me

how much shedding how much shedding

the baby voice,

sweet blessed infantilization of my poor old soul !!!!

{i mean it, Tess, you are flawed if you’re not free. oops that sunk in wrong i don’t blame you, jenny lewis

cat power I DONT BLAME YOU  my ex’s penis is still the sweetest penis that ever played inside my vagina}                                  alone together  a hashtag to build a dream on   give me a hashtag to build a dream on        i miss you God

not for sentimental reasons

but because being ripped from you is too easy to mistake for the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me God

in other words, tracing my entrance back to your absence is not the work of my life is not the meat of being but it is easy to make the mistake of seeing the hole as the center when at the center is the Life itself

come on rude boy boy boy is you big enough

come on rude boy boy boy is you big enough

just now  already I nearly broke the no Photo Booth promise funny how quickly that happens EH

EH?

canadian bacon is a john candy film i have never seen    my adverbs of choice

holy

go

lightly

mmmmmm sweet sweet boredom the fear of ending is about the fear of dying? no, that’s not quite it. about the fear of being alone? yes! that’s it, that’s it.  traces back to the fundamental fallacy of Godlessness

of being separate it’s the whole platonic two halves bit

to have and to hold, till death do us part that’s the

traaaa   la la laaa laaaaaa

how can i trust myself without hyperlinks?

don’t let me be understood, God. just for today, grant me the serenity. Don’t let this be understood. Yes, I’m your angel. Yes, the reader does not need to know you’re thinking of a yoko ono song, that you’re worried about not attributing due credit to rihanna, that you have not looked at kim kardashian’s instagram since the

“pandemic”

“began” but that she showed up in your dream last night and that your sibling ‘got into’ with her, lightly, casually, cooly, wearing denim — my sibling was leaning in close to kim kardashian

AND SHE WAS

the tail of my mind is snaking back to ordinary complaints like

WHERE THE HECK ARE MY MISSING ALBUMS

1999

and

LITTLE CREATURES

they’re my favorite and they’re gone gone gone

how much of a new revelation

Janet Jackson’s song any time any place is to me

How inconsistency is at the heart of

not giving too many hoots

in certain contexts how meaning is relative how language is everything

nothing

how Jesus spoke in parables and contradictions how I never liked puzzles  literal ones    but how I walk around like I alone am meant to be solving the deepest puzzle of all

Reconciling myself back to the Source, i mean, to God Godself how a proliferation of healers come out of the woodwork into the email inbox offering discounts during this crisis and

who

am

I to judge?

There is one thing I ask of the Lord,

for this I long,

to live in the house of the Lord,

all the days of my life.

am i his temple? yes, no, maybe so, dawning on me is dish soap   sweet like the night inside

like the beginning of doing nothing

remaining alive. remaining human.

DONT JUST DO SOMETHING

SIT THERE

friends, i am still overwhelmed by your humanity. i find it so threatening, i can’t even begin to tell you. i don’t mean your mortality, moreso the fact that you’re just as deep

just as pulsing

just as curious just as in possession of some heart (human or not; shoutout to my girl elena with a porcine pulmonary valve) as i am

what that amounts is not fear of being not unique but rather that  the belonging we are called to is such a tall order such a tall order such a tall order  drive through window on foot people like memes

the readers in 3408 are like,

what’s a meme?

who can say if they will ‘google’ it?

I doubt the empire will rage that long …. the Empires on adderal the Empire fucking all millennia long on HARDON shoot i  am

not even trying

to be funny i can’t think of the name of that erection drug

i swear all that keeps coming up is PROZAC

leave it in the comments below, what’s that ED drug?  all my life