#i can’t be loved swallowed or digested. must i make myself smaller?

[ivynightshade]

fatima aamer bilal, excerpt from moony moonless sky.

[text id: i can’t be loved, swallowed or digested. must i make myself smaller?]

[splatattackz]

something about love 🕸 a q!pac webweave

fatima aamer bilal, 'i can’t be loved, swallowed and digested. must i make myself smaller?' // hard sell by the crane wives // deb caletti // julian gough, 'minecraft end poem' // nora sakavic, 'the raven king' // unknown // vacation by florist // freight train by ewy

[storiesforallfandoms]

like i’m gonna lose you ~ machine gun kelly

part one

word count: 2276

request?: kind of?

description: after a painful reconnection, he decides to prove to her that he will do anything to get her back

pairing: machine gun kelly x female!reader

warnings: swearing

based (partially) on this song

masterlist

As he promised, the news of Colson and Megan’s “breakup” came a few days after our discussion. The news broke first on an few online tabloids, then Colson took to his social media to “confirm the rumors”.

“We’re just not right for one another,” he wrote in his post. “I still love Megan as a friend, and we’re going to stay in each other’s life. We both want our privacy during this time.”

Strangely enough, the conversation we had plus the actual confirmation that the fake relationship was over gave me a better sense of closure than our actual breakup had. I knew why Colson had ended things, and I knew that what he had with Megan wasn’t real and that it was over for good now. It was better than thinking he had suddenly stopped loving me after all those years.

Even with that closure, though, I stayed true to my word. Colson unblocked me and re-followed me on all his social media, and let me know he had unblocked my number from his phone by sending me a text. But I wouldn’t budge on trying to get back together with him. With the closure I had, I was starting to feel like I could move on from our breakup and be somewhat happy again.

It was hard to completely move on, though, when Colson was still trying to reach out to me constantly. He respected my boundaries and would stop whenever I asked him to, but it also didn’t take too long before he would message me again. Part of me wanted to block him back - it would’ve been beyond satisfying to reverse the roles on him and leave him blocked and heartbroken without explanation. But I was also enjoying getting to talk to him again, even if I knew it would lead to more heartbreak eventually.

The day I arrived home from work to find him sat on my doorstep, I felt something snap inside of me. The built up anger and sadness from the past year was finally bubbling over, and I had the exact person who had caused it all sat on my doorstep.

I got out of my car and slammed the door so hard I was shocked the windows didn’t shatter. “Colson, you can’t just fucking show up on my doorstep unannounced. This is borderline stalking now.”

“I want to talk like adults but you just keep brushing me off,” he retorted. “What else am I supposed to do?”

“Respect my fucking boundaries maybe? Realize that if I’m telling you that I don’t want to talk to you or see you that I actually fucking mean it?”

He stood from the doorstep and shoved his hands in his pocket. “I know that you mean it.”

I glared at him as I tried to shove past him to get through my door. He moved to stand in my way again, which just made me feel even more angry.

“If you know that I mean it,” I hissed, “then leave me the fuck alone Colson. You’ve hurt me enough, I don’t want to see you anymore.”

“I know I hurt you,” he said. “And I know that there’s nothing I can do to fix that, but please, let me try at least.”

“You did try, and I turned you down, remember? Now fuck off.”

I managed to push him out of my way in order to get into the house. He stood on my doorstep watching me for some time, and I knew that meant he wasn’t going away. No matter how hard I wanted to let him go, I knew my heart wasn’t going to let me. I sighed heavily and turned to face him.

“This is your last chance,” I told him. “You can come in and we can talk like adults, but just know that whatever decision I make after this is my final decision. No more of this harassing me and showing up on my doorstep. If I tell you to leave and you show up again I will call the cops on you, and I have a feeling that’s the last thing your manager wants.”

Colson nodded and followed me into my house.

I watched as he looked around, taking in the familiar place that he once called a second home. Very little had changed since we broke up, except for the fact that I got rid of all the pictures I had of the two of us. I was sure he had noticed that.

“Your place was always so much cozier than mine,” he commented.

“It’s cause it’s smaller,” I told him. “Your place is good for all the people you have over, but when it’s just you and Casie it’s far too big.”

“It is,” he agreed. “I would prefer to live in a place like this.”

“You could’ve,” I found myself muttering. Unfortunately, I said it a little too loud and Colson caught the comment. His face changed then, a sad wave washing over him.

“I should’ve,” he said. “God, I’m a fucking idiot.”

“We’ve been over that.”

He followed me to the kitchen and sat down at my table. Despite it only being early evening, I decided this moment called for a glass of wine. I poured myself one, and decided to mix Colson a drink with the liquor I knew he liked most.

“Saying I didn’t mean to hurt you is the stupidest thing ever,” he said after taking a giant gulp from the glass. “Of course I was going to hurt you. I broke up with you out of nowhere and then just ghosted you for a year. I guess...I thought that would be easier. I didn’t want you to think I didn’t love you enough to fight for you over my career.”

“I’m glad you realize how shitty and stupid that idea you had was. I wish you would’ve told me from the start what the plan was. I wouldn’t have been as hurt if you had.”

“I know...I know.”

I took a sip of my wine and immediately wished it was something stronger, something that would get me fucked up within minutes of drinking it.

I was mentally kicking myself for letting him back in again. That time at the coffee shop hurt enough and that was an accidental encounter we had. But to actually bring him into my home when I was finally starting to move on? I must really like to be hurt, because it seemed as though I was constantly trying to hurt myself lately.

“What would you have said if I had told you?” he asked. “Truthfully.”

I took a moment to think the situation over, to try and decide how I would’ve reacted if he had told me from the beginning instead of just breaking my heart.

“I still would’ve been hurt,” I admitted. “Not by you but by your manager. He knew about us, and even though we never went public with the relationship, my friends and family know. It wouldn’t exactly have been as easy to explain the whole publicity stunt relationship thing to any of them. I’d probably try to come up with a better solution, and if that didn’t work then...I’d just have to accept it.”

“Would you have stayed with me?”

I was shocked by his question. “Of course I would’ve. Everything between you and Megan was fake, there were no real feelings. Sure, seeing the pictures and everything would’ve hurt, but at the end of the day it would be me you were holding and kissing and actually loving. I probably could’ve been friends with Megan instead of hating her guts.”

Colson looked down at his glass, which was now almost empty. “I thought you would’ve broken up with me if I told you the truth.”

“You don’t know me that well, obviously,” I said. “Colson, there were ways around this. You didn’t have to break my heart.”

I could see that his eyes were starting to become more wet with tears. He was trying to hide them, but once his eyes starting welling up, his nose and his cheeks became flush and I could see his Adam’s apple bobbing as he tried to swallow his tears.

“I fucking hate him, man,” he finally said, his voice cracking slightly. “He’s supposed to help me with my career, not put my career first over my own life and my happiness. And I hate myself too for thinking the best way to deal with this was to break up with you completely.”

I sat back in my chair, unsure of what to do. I wanted to comfort him, of course, but I didn’t want him to think that crying was going to get him off the hook. I was glad he was feeling my pain, but fuck did I ever hate to see Colson cry.

“I hated you, too,” I admitted. “I slandered your name to anyone who would listen. Eventually my friends got sick of hearing the name Colson Baker come out of my mouth, but they all knew how hurt I was.”

“Do you still hate me?”

I shook my head. “No. I never truly hated you. I just wanted to hate you, because hating you was easier than still being in love with you and watching you fall in love with someone else.”

He started to reach for my hands, but pulled away just as quickly. He sat back in his own chair, putting as much space between the two of us as possible. “There could never be anyone else. You’re my one and only, (Y/N), you always have been.”

I let the silence wash over the two of us. I wanted to let his words hang over us, to try and digest them and decide how I felt in that moment.

“I had a dream while you were on tour,” I said after a moment. “Well, a nightmare really. We had fallen asleep watching TV on the couch, and when I woke up I couldn’t find you. You weren’t in the house, you weren’t answering your phone, none of your friends or Casie knew where you were. I began to panic. I went driving and drove the entirety of Cleveland looking for you, but I couldn’t find you. Around the end of the dream, I was screaming your name and I could hear you calling back to me, but the more I ran to find you the further away you got. I eventually woke up drenched in sweat and crying because I thought it was real.”

“That was the night you called me,” he said. “I remember I was having a bad night mentally and all I wanted was to have you on the tour bus with me, in my arms. Then you called, and I thought it was like...a sign or something. Something good.”

I couldn’t help but smile at this. “I never told you because I thought it was a stupid nightmare, and I didn’t wanna be one of those girlfriends that calls in need of constant reassurance about their relationship.”

“I would’ve reassured you no matter how many times you called me.”

I looked down at my own glass, nearly empty as well.

“Can we ever go back from this?” Colson asked. “Can we try to start over after what happened?”

“How do you start over after spending five years with someone?” I asked. “We were basically married, how do you just go back to square one after that?”

“Well...you try and gain that trust back, then you try and get things back to how they were before,” he explained. “I don’t expect it to happen overnight, but I can’t be without you anymore (Y/N). It’s driving me crazy, you drive me crazy.”

I felt tears stinging my eyes, and I realized in that moment that Colson was now freely crying in front of me. God, we were both just messes. I wished none of this had ever happened.

“You really hurt me,” I said, my voice just barley a whisper.

“I know,” he said. “I know I did. I don’t expect you to ever forget that. I don’t deserve to be forgiven, I know that.”

“I’ll never forget it,” I confirmed. “But knowing the reasoning makes it easier to forgive.”

When he reached for my hand this time, I met him halfway.

“It won’t be easy,” I told him. “You know that, right? I’m not going to come running into your arms again after a few nights. You have to work for this, Colson.”

“I know,” he repeated. “I’ll do anything, (Y/N).”

Despite my better judgement, I sat forward and looked into his eyes. God, I loved those beautiful blue eyes more than anything in this world.

“You can start by kissing me.”

He nearly jumped over the table at this. He took my face in his hands and pressed my lips against his. I had missed this feeling so much; the pure passion that came with every kiss. I put a hand behind his neck to keep him close. I never wanted to let go ever again.

He pulled away first and rested his forehead against mine. “I’m so sorry, (Y/N).”

“I don’t want to hear those words out of your mouth ever again,” I told him. “We’re forgetting this, remember?”

He smiled. “Okay, then how about these words: I love you.”

I couldn’t help but smile back. The magic words I had longed to hear for so long, they sounded so right coming from his lips. “I love you, too.”

[the-insomniac-cat]

(my photo edit- this is the cover I gave this story on Wattpad- ’Gold Gerbera’ is my a/c name there)

Shamelessly re-blogging my 2018 post-Infinity War + post AV4 fic of Loki and Thor meeting up- because lots of us still hurt. (obvs. no Endgame spoilers!)

I wrote it in June 2018, and I just assumed that Thanos would be defeated in AV4 somehow.

Hope you  enjoy it.

Hell, hope you read it :)

“I’m There”

Thor is honouring Loki, commemorating his death, praying as he did for Odin in Ragnarok. Loki finds him there, takes him for a walk and they talk about Ragnarok, and Infinity War, their past and what happens to Loki next.

Word Count- 2100+

It had been nine days since the fall of Thanos. The Avengers had said their goodbyes to the others who'd fought, and then retired to Stark Tower.

They had not had time to pause during the war, to reflect or process all the horror around them, or digest the difficult decisions that had had to be made. Their time together like this, afterwards, was essential and, though they tried to keep it feeling casual they all knew that sometimes, meetings could be more jovial than was really warranted. No matter. Debriefs, official and otherwise, had been done. Time together, drinks and reminiscing over the past. Eventually it could be delayed no longer- the days to split up and go their separate ways arrived. And, as those who still had homes went back to them, Thor sat on a cliff alone. In Norway.

He sat, quite relieved to be on his own at last, on a clifftop overlooking the sea. It was late evening. He had spent the last hour clearing a space and building an small pile of stones. It had a large stone at the bottom, and rose by smaller and smaller stones, till a pebble and barely a ball of grit sat on the top. He had placed blades of flowering grass around it, and arranged shells into the shape of two horns. When he was ready, he knelt down. Once comfortable, he prayed;

"Loki, I  bid you take your place in the halls of Valhalla Where thine enemies have been vanquished Where the brave shall live Forever Nor....."

...another voice joined in from behind him, "Nor shall we mourn but rejoice for those that have died the glorious death."

Thor knew, though didn't believe, who this was. It wasn't the first time that he had been interrupted whilst praying this way. He turned, slowly...

Loki stood there, looking down at him,  his eyes smiling, green and clear.

"Hello brother," Loki smiled.

Thor stared. He knew that this must not be true. He watched. It could only have taken a few moments but as he looked over his brother, soaking in every detail, it seemed much longer.

"Loki..." he said, barely above a whisper.

Loki stood in a familiar, simple black suit.  His arms hung at his sides, his palms slowly turning towards Thor.

"Walk with me, brother," he said.

Thor lifted himself off the ground and, hesitating, not taking his eyes off him, he walked towards Loki. Loki grinned and nodded, and the two of them turned to walk along the cliff, Loki with his long hands in his pockets.

His heart racing, Thor tried to act normally, and tried to pretend that he could take all this in his stride. So he sniffed loudly, coughed, ostensibly wiping his mouth across his wrist. Loki just looked ahead and smiled, full knowing what Thor was doing.

For a while, the only sound was from waves sweeping the beach below.

"Why did you come here?" Loki asked, at last.

"This is where our fath.... where Odin left us. And.. and he said to remember this place."

Loki looked down and swallowed, noticing how Thor had thought it might hurt him to call Odin his father. Very thoughtful of him, very discerning, he thought. But nothing could upset him now, and the usual jolt in the heart that such a thing would have caused before, didn't come.

"I was... I was thinking of you. I've missed you, Loki," Thor slowed down his pace, letting Loki walk ahead a little, "I am missing you." FInally, tears.

"I know." Loki smiled smiled back at him, tilting his head, "It's been hard for you. I have watched, you know."

Loki's grin: a smile, a chuckle. ‘Here he is!’ thought Thor, ‘Here's my brother! Making light of matters of sentiment!’

"Eh eh. Come on! I haven't finished with you yet." Loki signalled to Thor over his shoulder, "Come along."

The two strolled on, till they came to the rock where they'd sat with Odin before his spirit had ascended. Not speaking of what it was, they looked first at it and then each other, eyes meeting, and Thor realised where they were and smiled back at Loki. They took their seats and watched the kittiwakes as they swooped across the water, farther out to sea.

"Here was the beginning of the end," Thor looked thoughtfully at the empty space between them, where Odin had once sat. "Hela, Ragnarok, the war. We threw Asgard away. Lost so many. SO much blood, brother. So much blood shed through ALL our lives.” 

Loki sat quietly, soberly following Thor’s every word. His brother was fidgetting, getting flustered. He continued, “How are you....how are you able to even be here? -Everyone thought you would go to Helheim.”

Loki raised his eyebrows at this.

“I just mean. Ugh! What with all your twists and turns! Huh!" Thor turned to Loki, "I guess there is forgiveness after all."

"No, brother, there isn't,"

"Wh...what? You mean... what?" Thor began to panic. Had Loki come to say goodbye, before sinking to the land of the dishonourable dead? He gulped, tried to catch a breath, "NO! No that can't be. By the Gods! Not that place. There must be forgiveness, Loki. You can't go there. You can't be lost.."

"It's ALL. RIGHT." Loki held his hand a little above Thor's arm, then gently, "it's all... right.. I've not been judged unworthy. There is no forgiveness, but there is redemption. I've come here to say goodbye, dear brother, but also to thank you."

Thor's eyes were screwed up against tears and confusion, "Thank me? But.. wha ? What for? I only ever belittled you. I was unfair so often, Loki..."

"You gave me a chance when I needed it most. It's because of you, your actions, your decisions, that I am with our mother and father now.”

It was not lost on Thor's ears that Loki had acknowledged their parents. Loki continued:

"I was jealous at times, and my rage pushed you all away. But I always loved you. And when you said that Asgard was the people, I knew that you truly were their king at last. And I knew what I had to do for you. I knew then that I would die, if necessary, to save them. It was you, brother it was always you. I had to do what I could to get you all out of Asgard alive. "

"SO I WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR DYING?"

"NO!" Loki ached to  reassure him, "No," he repeated, gently, smiling, "No, I made the  decision. It came to me that  if I bundled up all the power that I'd   used badly in the past, then I could do it. I reached down into myself and pulled together all my power and knew that I could  use it again, this time for a good thing. And it worked. It did hurt, but it worked. That's how I survived  the vaults. That's how I got out after bringing Surtur's head to the  Everlasting Flame. -I got out because I needed to. I willed it. I wasn't afraid."

"And the Tesseract? What of that? That led Thanos to us!"

"No. I took the Tesseract because I knew its power. I knew it could be a powerful weapon AGAINST Thanos:- he was already on his way. Heimdall had seen him. He spoke to me of it, on Bifrost, as we herded the people towards the ship. I hadn't known the size of HIS ship though. I hadn't known what was on board it, either. I thought he might come to us somewhere on land. I never thought he would attack us there. I didn't know Heimdall had seen him there."

Thor was looking down at his feet, mulling over Loki’s words. Gulls swooped low and snatched away the silence.

"But," he began quietly, as Loki leaned in to hear him, "But did you know that Thanos would kill you?" Tears again, dreading Loki's answer.

"I knew Thanos of old, "Loki explained, "He caught me when I fell into the abyss. And although he showed me more worlds and more knowledge than I would ever have seen had I stayed on Asgard, his price was high. I suffered, and I knew that he would make every being in the universe suffer. I KNEW that he would take half of everything," Loki paused,  "and," -waiting for Thor to look up at him- "there were TWO princes of Asgard..... so I knew he would want one of us."

Thor stared at him. He was just grasping how Loki had achieved his redemption. He had won it, as so often redemption is won, with a sacrifice. But had saving Thor really been enough? Enough to balance Loki's book? All those deaths? Injuries? Insults? Suffering?

Loki could hear his thoughts. "No," he smiled, "As much as I see my beloved brother's virtues, I don't think my saving just you would have helped in the great scheme of things!" Thor grinned. "Our actions, though, saved civilisations. And you were better to lead the Avengers, so you had to live. Would they have trusted me? Would anyone on Midgard? In a way, I died for having made them doubt me, through the terrible things I did in New York - I died for my past. I died for you, and I died for the future. That saved me. And without you, I wouldn't have done that."

Loki stood. "Thank you, Thor."

Thor and Loki locked eyes. Then Thor realised that Loki had just done something he hadn't done since they'd been boys together, playing chase in the corridors of Asgard's Royal Palace: he had used his name. He stood and went to hug him, just remembering at the last second that this was impossible. Loki nodded. Yes, he had wanted to as well.

"I have to go." Loki looked out across the sea.

Thor saw the sea breeze catch Loki's hair again. A tiny glimpse of hope stirred him once more: if Loki weren't really here, how can his hair move in the wind?

Loki turned, "It's because your mind adds in all the little details," he said, "That's why, if you look, I have a shadow, as well! Clever, isn't it?" He grinned.

Thor stared, amazed. He looked down and, sure enough, Loki was somehow casting a shadow. The ground that the shadow fell onto was real. But the shadow was not.

"Huh! Thor thought, "Well in all my centuries, I never knew that."

He looked up to witness an aquamarine swirl where Loki had been standing. It was spinning and changing to emerald, then gold. He fell back, afraid.

As the light cleared, Loki was there, resplendant, transformed. He was now dressed in clothes worthy of a hallowed place. But as he was no longer in danger, he needed no armour. Instead, he was robed in knee length black velvet, with Norse patterns around the edges, embroidered in sparkling gold thread. Jewels glistened around the collar. A twisting belt hung loosely around his hips. Long boots, in fresh, polished, black leather reached, with twisting patterns, to the ground. His black hair was longer now, falling past his shoulderblades, it was thick, neat and glossy in the evening sun. Above it, and fitting for a Prince, there sat a crown. Short sided, silver, and curled into a pattern showing the branches of Yggdrasil. His skin, not so pale now, clear and -to Thor's amazement- seeming so full of health and life. His eyes sparkled nothing but love.

"Goodbye, brother," he said, peacefully, smiling. He winked as he turned to walk towards the cliff edge.

"WAIT!" shouted Thor, "PLEASE!"

Loki turned, still smiling, and playfully rolled his eyes. "Always the last word, Thor?"

"Wait." Thor repeated, trying to remember what he was going to say. "Will I see you again? Will I see mother and father? Will I.. will I see you again?"

"There is a palace there," Loki nodded, "And a large refrectory. It has a long, dressed, table where everyone feasts. Our parents are keeping a place for you, near the top of it. You'll see." he grinned, then turned back to continue walking.

"AND YOU? LOKI! LOKI, WHAT OF YOU?!"

Loki looked back over his shoulder.

"I'M THERE, THOR!" he called, then, gently, "I'm there." He smiled.

He turned to walk towards the sea, where instead of stopping at the edge of the cliff, he continued, his feet seemingly stepping out onto air.

Thor stood, looking on, as his  brother's image faded, paler and paler, then burst again into vibrant  green crystals and gold tipped orbs, rising, up, up and up,   spreading out into the darkening sky, till the cloud of jewels lost   itself among the  stars

.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Reference for old Norse funeral prayers: http://www.angelfire.com/folk/oldways/norseprayer.html

[crackmadhi]

Underneath it All

Tuesday, 2 January 2029

It was nice being back in the states. Apollo had gotten the possibility to stay here for three weeks and he was enjoying his time off. It was fun being with the Wrights and Athena. Even if he missed Nahyuta and Rayfa quite a bit.

Right now, he sat on the couch, while scrolling through his phone and Athena and Trucy played chess on the kitchen table. The chess set had been a gift from Edgeworth for Trucy and she loved it to the bits. Apollo could not blame her, it was pretty, and custom made. Also, the pieces were blue and red, which were her favourite colours.

“Nooo!”, Athena cried losing the third time in a row.

Widget turned blue and he had to pull himself together to not make a snarky remark. Then suddenly he felt his bracelet tighten. Confused he looked at it and sat up properly. Mr. Wright had entered the room.

He looked gloomy and slowly wandered over to the table. Trucy put the chess board aside and Apollo saw Athena holding her hand over her right ear. So, there was discord in his voice. No news to the lawyer in red, but this was even extreme for him.

“Apollo, would you please come to the table? I need to tell you and Trucy something very important”, the man exclaimed with a voice devoid of emotion.

Apollo got nervous. His bracelet was tightening because Phoenix displayed no ticks whatsoever and he had the impression that Athena could not really identify the emotion’s in his heart as well, since she frowned deeply and made a worried huff.

Suspiciously he got up and sat down in front of Mr. Wright. Apollo felt Trucy next to him getting smaller and exchanged a look with Athena. This was bad.

“Daddy, what is it? What is going on?”, the girl asked worriedly, and he shot the man across the table a testing look.

Apollo was no longer a clueless apprentice, no longer somebody you could take on that easily. He had learnt over the years and his time in Khura’in had taught him to fight with every means he could access. If Phoenix was going to act stupid, Apollo would fight him. That much was sure.

At once Phoenix put on a smile and laid down flyer. Apollo wrinkled his forehead and looked at it. Lamiroir. She would give several concerts in the States. In the next few weeks, even some in LA. What had that to do with anything?

“I’m sorry but I don’t follow? Would you stop being so obscure? Why would you show us this flyer?”, he said to him.

“I was sent three tickets for her next show. I thought you might want to go there with Trucy and Athena…”

“Why won’t you go yourself, and did Lamiroir send you these?”

He nodded simply and lowered his gaze to the table.

“Why are things always so complicated, when it is about that woman? And why do you even talk to her? What kind of connection do you two have? This makes no sense at all, Mr. Wright.”

He tried to open his mouth, but Apollo cut him off right away: “Don’t dare to talk in riddles anymore. Just get us straight answers for once in our life. That would be nice for a change.”

At that Phoenix paused. For a short second a light flickered in his eyes. Then he took a deep breath and put on an old smile. His eyelids were slightly lowered, and the brows lay right above his eyes.

“I should do so much, shouldn’t I?”, the older lawyer chuckled and laid one hand on his knee, while putting the other softly on the table.

“I have failed. In being honest with the two of you, Apollo, Trucy. I’ve known something for a rather long time and did not tell you, because Lamiroir asked me not to tell you.”

He let out a dry laugh and turned to the side. His voice had become hollow.

“At least it is what I told myself long enough. Really, I had no right to keep this from you. You were old and strong enough to know and to understand… … When Lamiroir got her memory back, she called me. What she remembered was… She used to have a very different life. … As the woman of a traveling musician who tragically died in a fire in which she also lost her son. That was in Khura’in.”

Apollo sat straight in his chair. His eyes were open wide, and his left arm was shivering. This could not be happening. This was not how things went. This was not what he wanted to hear.

To his horror Phoenix continued. With empty eyes he looked to his daughter and added: “She went back to where she had been raised. Took back her maiden name and eventually married another under her father’s growing badgering. This time her husband took her name on the stage. … And she remained Thalassa Gramarye until she lost her memory during an accident in their rehearsal.”

The magician’s chair fell to the ground. Her hands were pressed on her mouth as she stood in front of the table and glared at her father with so much anger and disappointment in her posture that Athena wished she could have her headphones back.

Apollo on the other hand was frozen to stone. The shivering had abruptly stopped, and his breathing got slower and slower. His eyes had lost focus and he was staring beyond the walls behind Phoenix.

There were no words to describe what he felt. Betrayal, rage, defeat. He had felt them all. More than once at the same time. But neither of them managed to capture what this was right now. Maybe because nothing really fit.

Maybe because he was just exhausted.

But what had Apollo expected from a man who had him present forged evidence in court at his first trial?

“Why!?!”

Apollo flinched and stared at his sister. The usually so sweet and kind girl had screeched, clenched her hands and hot tears were rolling over her from fury deformed face. Athena was even shivering from the sound of her voice and Phoenix defensive smile suddenly was wiped away from his face.

“Why would you do this”, the girl continued swinging her hands away from her chest and forcing her voice to be as loud and violent as it was possible for her, “after everything?! Why did you have to LIE? You knew this for so long and kept it from us? You kept my own brother from me? I don’t understand this! I - I can’t believe it! It was you and I for seven years, us against everything! No lies, no secrets! You promised me that you would not keep stuff from me! Not like everybody else did! You promised! And- And now this!? Now you let us know that we are siblings and our mother is alive? Now?! Not before you left the country to your almost death trip to Khura’in? Not after I had been KIDNAPPED and Apollo’s best friend had been MURDERED!?”

The air was thick and heavy. For a second everything stopped. The daughter needed an answer and there were so many to give. Too many for Phoenix to formulate at that moment. Especially, since his throat was now dry and his will to defend himself had been long gone.

Slowly, Trucy realized that she was not getting anything from her father and let her arms fall down and her shoulders drop. Her bottom lip wavered, and a small sob escaped her mouth. With angry eyes she turned away, Apollo stood up next to her and laid his hand on her upper back. At least she was not alone.

“I hate you for this.”

Phoenix eyes were closed. He nodded. Apollo shook his head and lead his sister away from the table. He had to get himself and her out of this place. Away from Phoenix.

In complete shock Athena watched Apollo walk away and stared back at Phoenix. The man did nothing to stop them. No fighting, no trying to defend himself. Instead he let his daughter just walk away after she had declared her hater for him. He even nodded.

Athena’s hands tingled, her heart speeded up as her boss looked at her. A loud noise emerged through the room. Apollo had shut the door. Phoenix simply huffed.

“You have all the right to stand up and leave as well, Athena”, the man said with a broken grin.

Athena stayed still. There was too much discord to leave now. She stared to fear for the man’s sanity.

Carefully she watched him lean back in his chair and cross his arms loosely in front of his chest. His face was turned to the side, no muscle moving at all. It looked like this miserably smiling expression was carved into his face.

The noise from his heart became louder and under this growing buzzing Athena’s ears began to ring. Her breath fluttered under the pain but there was no way, she was to leave him now. Not like this.

“You must think I am horrible, and I deserve that… … but would you do me a favour?”

Athena only stared at him.

“Go after them. Not to tell them that they should come back or forgive me. Just… look after them, if you think that’s the right thing to do. They might need somebody like you who’s able to listen and they can trust. They deserve that.”

Athena hesitated. Phoenix wanted her gone. He wanted to be alone. Inside her guts she felt a sting that told her not to leave under any circumstances. That her boss was capable of doing something incredibly stupid right now.

…

But he would not talk to her. And Apollo and Trucy truly could need her help. To them she could talk, and they might actually listen to her advice.

With a heavy heart she swallowed and asked Phoenix: “If I leave, what will you do?”

The muscles on his arms shortly tensed up but relaxed just as fast. He did not meet her gaze as he answered: “I will… …take some time to… …digest this.”

“Mr. Wright”

Her words hang dooming in the air.

“You won’t do something to yourself, will you?”

Phoenix expression changed. A slight tremble run over the man’s lips and his eyes fully opened. Shocked he looked at his employer, as if she had just said something that nobody had ever openly told him.

He gulped, thought about forcing a smile but let it be. Instead he decided that this was a sign. That there were still things to be done and that he still had to stick around. There were people that deserved answers. He would provide them.

So, he raised his voice and told the young woman without a trace of discord in his voice: “I won’t.”

Even though Athena heard his sincerity, she still doubted him. But there was nothing for her to do. It led her to stand up and nod at her boss. He faintly smiled at her gesture and raised from his chair as well. Swiftly he walked around the table and accompanied Athena to the door. There he took a crumpled paper out of his sweatpants’ pocket and handed it to her.

Athena raised her eyebrows in question and shot the man a look. He huffed tiredly and explained: “Thalassa’s in town. It’s her address. If they want, they can go and talk to her. She knows that I’ve told them today and hopes for an answer.”

He laid a hand on Athena’s and let out a deep breath.

“But you don’t have to tell them that. Mention that you have it, if you think it’s right or just give it to them, if they want to meet her. I trust you will do the right thing for them”, he added and reached for her jacket on the clothing rack.

With a slow motion he handed her the garment and she put the small paper in the jacket pocket. A last time Athena shot her boss a worried look. She did not trust him to be on his own, even if it had never been a problem before. But then again, he hadn't lied when he had promised her that he would do nothing to himself, and so Athena let it go and left her boss alone with a brave wave.

She did not turn back to see the proud and grateful look on the elder’s eyes. Which was good for the other, since it would have motivated her to stay with Phoenix. And that was not what the turnabout terror needed right now.

Link to the fanfiction:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/17822882/chapters/42051413

[satiah81]

The Thing That Should Not Be - Chapter 27

This is a reblog of my work originally posted on Archive of our own. Feel free to like, reblog and leave comments. Unfinished, work in progress with (bi-) weekly updates.

Pairing: Thorin Oakenshield X OFC

Warnings: NSFW, sexual content, adult themes, non-con

On AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13982820?view_full_work=true

Summary: I`d never liked my life in the bustling city, superficial, gray and lonely, as it was. Yet what I found in the new world was far beyond words. Dark and passionate. Cruel and scary. What Thorin taught me about his reality I would remember forever.

WARNINGS! If you are not comfortable with rape/sexual slavery/angst topics, then this story is not for you. It is a dark and intense fantasy.

————————————————————————————————–

 It didn't take long until the endless rain finally ceased to fall and the sun sprang up from behind the treetops. It shone above the rocky landscape once again and the days were filled with the promise of warmth and bright light after the long winter. Soon thereafter, the mud dried out, and at noon it was so hot that I thought the nature had skipped one whole season. But then I remembered the Lonely mountain was situated a little higher above the landscape so the harsh changes in the temperatures made sense.

 I was standing by the high window, admiring the landscape, breathing in all the scents of late spring which soft breeze carried all the way up here, when Thorin walked towards me and stood by my side. I looked at him questioningly, but he did not break the silence, so I turned my attention back to the window. I felt his hand slowly wrap around my waist. He gently pulled me towards him and we stood there side by side, motionless, silent, his hand resting on my waist but never roaming.

 I wondered how long it had been since he last took me. I couldn't really tell, but it couldn't have been longer than since I started to play the harp. Something unwelcome stirred at the back of my mind. Was it a shadow of a doubt? Or perhaps a sting of regret? I quickly waved the thought away and smiled at the bright day.

 “We will take a ride out today. The roads have dried, it will be a good stretch for the horses as well. All the preparations have been done. You will get a pair of riding boots, I do not want any damage done to your legs,” he said casually, looking down at me.

 I couldn't believe my ears - I must have misheard or misunderstood him, he can't just so let me out after all those long months! Where's the catch?

 “Is there something you do not like about the idea? Last time you looked very eager to take a walk outside of The Lonely Mountain,” he said, feigning surprise. But there was a spark of amusement in his eye.

 “Oh no, no… I mean - yes! I'd love to! Thank you so much! You just surprised me,” I blabbered, blushing deep red. “Let's go, please! Even now, or anytime, just- ”

 “That is a much better answer, little one,” he straightened his back and let go off my waist. “We leave immediately, just the two of us. You already know how to behave, do you not?” There was a subtle dangerous undertone to his last words.

 “I do, Your Majesty, of course. Thank you for trusting me...” I slightly bowed my head to emphasize my words. Thorin's gaze lingered on me for a long moment before he nodded and smiled.

 XXX

 We set off that very morning and I was so excited that I felt slightly nauseous. But I fought it bravely and decided not to speak of it, just in case. I was given a pair of new, beautiful riding boots made of dark brown leather, just as I was promised. They fit me perfectly and felt very comfortable. They also equipped me with dark brown leather pants and a long tunic reaching down to half of my thighs; perfectly male clothing which was very unusual, especially now when I got already accustomed to the female fashion here. There was an exception in my case - as far as I knew, females here wore long dresses even when riding - which I appreciated once I put on the pants. What a feeling!

 Two horses awaited us in front of the Erebor main gate. I could see them from the inside as we, Thorin and myself, were approaching the exit, and my heart beat wildly with excitement. The first - and last - time that I crossed this threshold my life changed for the worse, and I sincerely hoped it would change once again, but this time hopefully for the better. Thorin walked in front of me in long, self-conscious steps, and I followed him hastily, eyeing the guards who stood on both sides of the gate. They did not move as I passed them by, and I relaxed, as foolish as it sounded. Once outside, Thorin lifted me to the saddle of the smaller horse, a meek brown mare, adjusted the length of my stirrups, and grasping my reigns, mounted his own black stallion. There he fastened my reigns to his horn, and turned to me:

 “You have not ridden on your own before, am I right?”

 I shook my head no.

 “Then hold tight to the horn. Do not press or kick your horse's hips, or it might get confused. I have the reigns now. For now, you do not need to know anything more.”

 And we set off.

 The first metres were the most exciting ones, I had to admit; I took in the surroundings and how it had changed over the months after the snow had melted away. We crossed the bridge and followed a wild clean stream, The River Running, which originated in the mountain and flowed hundreds of miles away to the south, through the wilderness and forests to the far sea. We turned left before the ruins of the city of Dale and headed to the forest where the river changed its current. The sun was shining and reflecting brightly in the waves as in a mirror and the weather was pleasantly warm. I rolled my sleeves up to my elbows and turned my face upward to let the sun kiss my skin. For a moment I closed my eyes, taking in all the sensations from the clean fresh air to the soft rocking of my horse's hips, and when I opened them, saw Thorin watching me attentively. He seemed to know what was going on in me; he did not speak and let me digest all that was happening. We rode in a comfortable silence for about half an hour and my heart was overflowing with such joy and gratitude that I said:

 “Thank you so much for taking me out.” Thorin nodded with the faintest hint of a smile and it made me more confident to ask further. “The sword, now the horse… Have you perhaps considered riding lessons for me? I love horses.”

 Thorin's eyes shot at me. “No, I have not. You are in no need to know how to ride a horse. Or do you have plans to ride alone?” His sharp gaze was now penetrating my flesh with such intensity that I looked down on my hands clasped on the horn, my knuckles all white with the effort.

 “I don't have any such plans. I was just… curious.” I swallowed, trying to hide my disappointment. Perhaps I just have exaggerated expectations and it is easy to get used to good things and forget the bad ones.

 “You are a strange woman, Kate. I have given you the permission to use the sword, then the harp, and now you want a horse. Are we not a little too eager?” He teased, and when I shrunk and did not reply, he narrowed his eyes and continued. “How are your lessons going? Dwalin says you are making progress. Interesting especially because you have no experience in such matters.”

 I raised an eyebrow. “What matters? I was given the opportunity to learn and so I learn, that's all. You would do the same if you were in my shoes, I think. It's essential if I want to survive here. I learned a lot back in my world, at school; not in self-defence though, we didn't really need that. And the sax… I am making progress but it's not easy at all.”

 Thorin frowned as he tried to grasp the idea of education available for everyone.

 “What else did you learn back there? Except reading.”

 “Well, lots of things. I studied at a university, so I used to read and write a lot. I can speak three languages - my major was Norwegian and I added comparative literature to it, but don't ask me how I ended up in a telecommunications company.” There was a flash of astonishment in Thorin's eyes at these words, and I couldn't help but push him a little further. “What else? Beside normal classes, I took a course of philosophy,  history and gender studies, but can't use any of it here. I can drive a car,” at this I stopped and waited if he would ask what it was, but he nodded and I remembered I once spoke to him of cars. And he remembered very well. “And yes, I know how to give first aid as well… just to give you the idea.” I shot a quick side-glance at him to check the effect, but the impressed look faded away quickly as he accommodated the idea of me as an educated scholar, so uncommon for lower classes of his world.

 “Why would you do all that?”

 “To get a good job and have something to occupy myself with. And also because I like to study.”

 “Is that common for women in Norway?”

 “For women and men alike, definitely. It is uncommon      not     to study something. Our society emphasizes education, we built our wealth and wellbeing on that. And equality of both sexes in any situation.”

 “In the army as well?”

 I nodded proudly at which he frowned. “That makes no sense. Women are too soft to become soldiers.”

 “Well, our women used to fight in the past when times were hard and dangerous just as-” I didn't finish the sentence. I cleared my throat to continue. “They were called shieldmaidens. They used to sail abroad along with male warriors to conquer foreign lands and, well, to take treasures. When it comes to the present, I myself would not join the army or go mining because it's just not right for me. But we all are different and if somebody feels inclined to that, why not. People can surprise you. Just let them take the liberty to try; life offers so many opportunities to try all its shades and tastes, why not play with it.” I shrugged.

 “Perhaps.” There was a long thoughtful silence before he finally added. “In Erebor we believe we are predestined for a certain path in life, you may call it fate. We become what we were born to do, take over our ancestors` occupations, be it craft or farming,  and continue with what they have started. Your lives are full of chaos if you think in such a wide range. Here we face too many evils to take the liberty to       explore all the possibilities,     as you put it.”

 “Can be.”

 “Now you have become a part of our world. I believe you were destined to come here to me.”

 “Why?” I turned to him with suddenly watery eyes, desperate for an honest, truthful answer.

 “I do not know. First I thought you were to explain the travellers from the lake you read about in the legend, but now I am not sure. There is something else about you. But if you      could     travel all the way here, then Norway was certainly not the right place for you. It was Erebor. Only the time will tell the reason.” He said silently, his eyes fixed on the horizon where a few low slopes stood up, covered with forests. His black stallion neighed, throwing his head backwards, and Thorin patted its neck.

 “I had this dream once… back in the dungeon,” I paused, clenching my teeth.

 “What dream?” Thorin looked at me with just a slight alert in his voice.

 “When I was delirious, I think I might even have passed out for a minute… A voice told me to return to the lake. It literally said “Return to the lake when the storm rages.” I don't know what to think of it. It could mean anything.”

 “Or      exactly     what it said.” He paused for the length of a few breaths and his features hardened. “You know you are not going anywhere.” His eyes pierced me once again and I looked away.

 “I do… Do you know anything more about the travellers, though?” I could not help but ask.

 “I do not know if they ever returned where they came from, but I find it just as safe as marching alone in the centre of an orc camp unarmed. Do not spend too much time thinking about it, it is not worth it.” He finished silently but firmly.

 We rode silently side by side, lost in thoughts. After a few minutes I realized I heard a distant roar approaching and soon enough we reached a clearing which opened below a high cliff. And from it rushed the hurried waters of The River Running, splashing in the depths in a large waterfall. The beautiful scenery took my breath away.

 Thorin dismounted and helped me get down as well. As if to lighten up the general mood, he unsheathed his long sword which until now hung by his belt and swayed it playfully in the air, with careless ease of a skilled warrior. He handed it to me, hilt-first.

 “Now you have one of your favourite opportunities to prove yourself a warrior,” he smiled. “Show me what you have learned from Dwalin.”

 I squeezed the sword tightly with a soft sigh. It was unbelievably heavy, much heavier than my short sax and as I weighed it in my hand just to try it, I noticed a few ancient runes engraved in the blade.

 “Orcrist,” Thorin said. The legendary elvish sword I heard the dwarves talk about more than once. I took a closer look at it. It looked ancient, elegant and deadly, all at once, even with the pommel inlaid with the four gems.

 I swallowed. “Where is      your     weapon?”

 “I have a knife but it is not worth using against this sword,” he said, taking off his coat, shaking his hair off his face, obviously dead serious, already preparing for a fight. He stood there empty-handed in his leather armour strengthened with metal plates, watching me, anticipation written in his features.

 “But you are unarmed! What if I hurt-”

 “You will not hurt me,” he interrupted me impatiently. “Attack!”

 “As you wish!” I growled for myself and stepped in to attack him, quickly, impatiently, aiming for his chest as if he was a lifeless, straw man. He ducked away, turning around in a semi-circle, and as I swayed his own sword against him once again with full force, the blade dangerously close to his throat, he slipped on the wet grass and fell backwards, and I followed him in the momentum, having no chance to coordinate my movements. With a shriek, I already saw the sword falling down to him in a direct trajectory but he was quick enough to raise his hand and the blade slid smoothly down the leather of his bracer and sank into the ground, followed by myself falling directly on Thorin. I hit him with full weight and his eyes widened as he gasped for breath. I immediately struggled up to my elbows to help him breathe freely, but just as he caught his breath again in a few seconds, he started to laugh. But what laughter that was, joyful, loud and rich! My heart skipped a beat.

 “Why are you laughing?! I could have killed you!”

 “Little one, that was not bad, not bad at all!”

 “Oh... but did I hurt you?”

 “Not at all.” He slid his gaze across his right arm and carelessly checked his bracer which had obviously saved him from an ugly wound, or even worse. “Blows like this always seem to avoid me. Sometimes I find myself thinking I must be immortal.”

 And he was already on his feet, bracing himself in a fighting position. “Once again!”

 “Oh no, I'm not doing this again!” I exclaimed.

 “Kate! Do as I say!”

 “Ok! You-” and I attacked him once again before I even finished the sentence, suddenly all angry at how foolishly he risked his health fighting empty-handed a beginner with a real weapon. I took a step closer and as I swayed the sword from below in a low circle, he caught the blade flat in between his palms and held it tight. I was unable to move it, now it was the pure strength of his muscles against mine as I lost the momentum, and I froze in astonishment. He smirked and suddenly pushed the sword against me, turning me to the right and backwards, and I immediately found myself on the ground, lying flat on my back just as Thorin was a few seconds ago, and it really hurt. By the satisfied look on his face I realized he was just testing me in the first round, and now decided to show me how it feels to really fight. Well, it hurt. My head was spinning and I needed a minute to compose myself. Thorin was standing above me, and when he sheathed the sword which had slipped from my hands, he asked.

 “Are you hurt?”

 I glared at him but replied: “No.”

 He took me by the arm and lifted me up to my feet. There he quickly checked me for any visible wounds, but when he found none, he withdrew his hand.

 “I will instruct Dwalin how to continue with your drill. You have good basics, Kate, you will be able to really fight. I am very pleased with you today.” He smiled warmly and was once again the young, cheerful Thorin I adored so much. “I could soon make you my personal guard,” he joked.

 “Thank you.” I smiled back. We stared at each other for a moment. I thought I would tell him how good it felt to see him this happy and carefree and that I hoped I would hear him laugh more often, but as if he had sensed it, he withdrew and taking a step back, he pointed at the waterfall. The spell was broken and I shut my mouth feeling that I had missed something important.

 He looked at the sun and then suddenly turned to me.

 “Come, I will show you something,” he whispered and taking my hand in his, led me to the roaring crystalline waters.

[fashiontrendin-blog]

Can you really change your life in a week? We tried... with surprising results

http://fashion-trendin.com/can-you-really-change-your-life-in-a-week-we-tried-with-surprising-results/

Can you really change your life in a week? We tried... with surprising results

Can’t sleep? Burnt out? Gut hell? We hear you. It’s time to take a holiday for your health…

The gut health transformer: By Alessandra Steinherr

For years, my stomach problems have dictated what I wear (always loose over the tummy), and left me doubled over with cramps. I’ve tried most DIY diagnostics, from colonics (temporarily effective, but horrid) to cutting out food groups (short-lived bloat relief), but found no long-term solution. After another meeting smiling through the pain, I knew I had to get to the bottom of this.

The lowdown: This was no job for a spa; it was time to get serious and head to a medical resort: VIVAMAYR Altaussee, in the Austrian Alps. I ate boiled potatoes and vegetable broth for a week. It was monotonous, but surprisingly soothing on the stomach. I kept myself busy so I didn’t think about food – I swam, walked and even gritted my teeth through the daily dose of Epsom Salts. They’re difficult to swallow, but they do lead to proper elimination of waste. My daily check-in with the doctor for abdominal manipulation reassured me I was in safe hands, the amazing spa treatments kept my spirits up and visits to the infrared sauna ensured a good night’s sleep. Plus, food intolerance tests found my body couldn’t take casein, the protein in milk and other dairy products. Finally, a reason for the pain!

Zen moment: A blissful change of scene each day walking the hour-and-a-half circle around the beautiful Lake Altaussee – it was my moving meditation and kept me focused. Also a must: an osteopathy session with miracle-worker Michael Kreis, and a facial with Tarryn Warren. Your skin will never look better.

I cleared my gut and cured my infertility

Get me out of here: The worst part was ditching the two coffees I rely on daily. VIVAMAYR recommended I cut them out before the retreat and I should have done as I was told. Ouch! The headaches kicked in, but they gave me painkillers at my lowest point to ease the pain.

Life-changing lessons: No more lunching at my desk. I take a break, focusing on chewing each bite (they recommend 30-40 times). It takes some getting used to, but it means I eat less as it takes so long to finish. My digestion started to settle. By switching from raw to cooked food in the evenings, the bloating has subsided. And I’m still allowed my beloved coffee – just without milk as it’s easier to digest.

Back home, the improvements have continued: no more cramps and I can wear high-waisted trousers. I feel more energetic and although weight-loss wasn’t my motivation, I have lost 3kgs. Yes, I might slip once in a while, but now I know how to get back on track.

The details: Prices start from approx £212 per night per person; a stay of seven nights is recommended to see results from the programme. vivamayr.com

Mastering mindfulness: By Kate Leaver

I live with bipolar, and last year wrote my first book through a fairly gnarly depressive episode. I somehow managed to make it to 83,399 words on a serious deficit of serotonin, but by the time I’d finished, I was relieved and triumphant but totally depleted. I found myself downing cookies for comfort, my skin broke out and I realised I was burnt out.

The lowdown: I jumped on a train to The Sharpham Trust, a rambling 18th-century house sat on a hill above the River Dart in Devon. Four days at a retreat designed specifically for people with ‘burnout’ felt like a gift. I was ready to learn how to meditate and be mindful, but not prepared for the emotional journey I was about go on. In my group of 20, I meditated four times a day, went on long walks, ate hearty vegetarian meals, learnt skills to cope with burnout, got vulnerable in group sessions, did Tai Chi and observed silence for hours a day.

Zen moment: Sitting meditation can be peaceful, tranquil, centering. It can also be really difficult to concentrate, especially when someone next to you is snoring. For me, the best type of meditation was walking meditation, where you focus on breathing and the forward movement of your body. I walked the 25 steps between two trees purposefully yet peacefully, over and over, listening to my own thoughts and breathing out my anxieties. I loved it.

Get me out of here: So, around day three, it got too much for me. We did an exercise where we had to pair up, lean our hands against the other person’s and practise saying “NO” over and over again until we meant it. It was supposed to test our boundaries, but for me, it just brought up memories of a traumatic time when I didn’t get the chance to say “no”, and I felt shaken by the whole exercise. As is my way, I retreated to my room and slept it off for several hours. I wanted nothing more than to get back on that train, but I pushed through, meditated some more and forced myself to feel the courage of the people around me.

Life-changing lessons: My friends rave about meditation, but I’ve always jokingly rolled my eyes and thought that a bit of silent sitting around couldn’t be life-changing. But I may have been converted. Starting the day with 20 still, silent minutes of introspection seems like a far healthier thing to add to my morning ritual, rather than refreshing Twitter.

How to meditate (even when you really can’t be bothered)

We learnt a deeply helpful little mantra, too: “May I be safe. May I be kind to myself. May I accept myself the way I am.” I fully intend to chant those sentences every time I’m tempted to listen to a self-deprecating taunt of my own – and I suspect that could be genuinely life-changing. As I left my new friends at the end of the week, everyone seemed calmer and more at peace with themselves. I believe it takes diligent, emotional homework over time to truly change your life, but I got a helluva headstart on this loving, elucidating retreat.

The details: The Sustaining Ourselves: Breaking Free From Burnout retreat at The Sharpham House starts from £375 per person for four nights, including food and activities. sharphamtrust.org; thetrainline.com*

The sleep reset: By Sophie Qureshi

I haven’t had quality sleep in years. I often lie awake until 2 or 3am, my mind whirring. When my alarm goes off in the morning, I’d trade my Gucci loafers for an extra hour in bed. I always look really tired, and if I skip blusher, people start asking if I’m feeling OK. I’ve tried everything from listening to whale sounds (creepy) to drenching my bed linen with lavender pillow mists, but I’m still no closer to nailing eight hours a night.

The lowdown: When I heard about the retreat at The Capra Hotel in Saas-Fee, Switzerland, I jumped at the chance. Designed by a neuroscientist and other experts, the programme addresses everything from physical fitness, nutrition and thought patterns to ‘sleep hygiene’. There’s no lying in, with energising pre-breakfast exercises, then a quad-testing, three-hour hike. Afternoons are more leisurely, with a gentle yoga session to down-regulate the nervous system.

I do yoga twice a week and it’s totally transformed my body and health

Meals were tailored to enhance my zzzs, with sugar-free menus. The beautiful presentation distracted me from the smaller portions – it made me realise it’s often my mind eating more than my body needs. While there wasn’t a strict digital detox, I did sign a pledge to turn off my phone after dinner so the blue light wouldn’t affect my production of melatonin. Instead of my usual Instagram scroll, evenings were taken up with meditation and massages in the spa. Then, after some WelleCo Sleep Well Calming Tea, I curled up in my Alpine-chic suite, ready for sleep.

Zen moment: Gently coming around in the candlelit yoga studio and realising I’d drifted off during a yoga nidra session. The practice is supposed to take you to a state of deep relaxation between waking and sleeping but it was so effective, I was out for the count. Thankfully, I’m told I didn’t snore.

Get me out of here: The hardest part was walking past all the windows of Saas-Fee’s chocolate shops. Cutting out sugar in the name of good slumber is one thing, but doing it in the land of the Toblerone was a real test.

Life-changing lessons: One of the most effective tricks I learnt to stop my thoughts racing before bed was alternate nostril breathing: close your left nostril with your right thumb and inhale through the right nostril. Pause, then alternate and hold the right nostril as you exhale through the left. After ten cycles, I forget what I’ve been worrying about.

I’ve also realised daytime choices impact my sleep, from making sure I’m active enough to eating dinner early, so I don’t flop into bed feeling stuffed. Another take-home was how damaging screen time is, so instead of using my phone to wake me up, I’ve bought an alarm clock to avoid getting sucked into WhatsApp before bed. The biggest difference is waking up at the same time each day, to keep my body clock balanced. It means I get an extra half a day of weekend!

The details: The Summer Peak Health Core Retreat starts at £5,640 per person for one week, including full board, health, nutrition and lifestyle assessments and a Sleep Improvement Kit. peakhealthretreat.com

This article appeared in GLAMOUR Magazine’s Spring bi-annual

How to get to sleep: tricks and tips from Team GLAMOUR

[artsyarchangel-blog]

Gunbreaker (Part 2)

4

HERMES: They started out as weapon manufacturers funded by their countries, nothing suspicious about them, only that they provided  the tools necessary for killing. And since humanity so loves to kill each other, to snuff the flames of life, they rose in power and wealth and eventually in influence. For if you bring the money, everyone will soon bow to your whims. They bribed politicians, other public figures to speak favorably of their weapon-businesses, to pass little bills, just to make the life of an arms dealer a little easier. We now believe that these were just tests, to see how far they could go without being detected or obstructed. At some point they awakened to a truth: that whoever holds the power to kill someone, anyone, would be destined to rule this world. Suddenly, people lost their lives, political figures advocating a demilitarization, suffering convenient accidents or turning to suicide. The general public is a simple beast, but the frequency of these incidents raised even the suspicion of your average person. So they changed tactics and turned back to bribes and threats. I know this is a lot to take in, I let you take a minute, Initiate. ANON: No, it's fine! Please continue!

Really, I was glued to the screen as Hermes told his story.

HERMES: I see, as you wish. So in the end, these weapon manufacturers established a shadow government, with the acting prime minister as a mere puppet, needed to quell the suspicions of the people. That was the plan at least, but it never worked out, there were riots, there were rebels, people trying to convince the public of the truth, just as we do now. So they turned to extreme measures. Pumping out weapons, they supplied all the criminal scum they could get their hands on. Ruthless tribes, violent bands of mercenaries, the organized crime, all of them suddenly found themselves with a new stock of lead and were ready to wreak havoc. After it all became to terrible to bear, the citizens armed themselves and the world had an all-out war on their hands. Not struggle between nations, but simply between men. This massacre raged for years and now all that is left are the five cities, each ruled by a designated Warlord. ANON: This is insane. A war like that, someone has to know about it, an event like this can't simply be forgotten! HERMES: It is lost to time, simply because no one is alive to remember. Only the Warlords know about it, passed down through their lineage. We managed to obtain this information through great sacrifices.

They never told me how exactly they could get a hold of such vital intel, the real history of our world. It was groundbreaking, if it was true, but again, they showed me no proof, I just swallowed it all up. ANON: But what can we even do against an organization that plunged the whole world into chaos? HERMES: They needed a smaller population, to control them easily and indeed, the plan is sound. Our capabilities to strike back are basically nil. We don't even know the identities of these Warlords, only that they named themselves after animals. We are working on a breakthrough in that regard and you might be able to help us. We assume you are well-versed when it comes to hacking? Why else would you approach us, right? ANON: Of course, absolutely not a problem.

I lied without a moments hesitation.

HERMES: Good. Do not be alarmed, it is a simple matter. We need to gain access to the local warlords mainframe, but to do this, some of our members will stage a distraction. You just got to attack some official websites, keep their staff busy. We take care of the main task. Are you truly capable of that?

They must have felt that I was just bullshitting, they were pretty insistent and it felt really bad, when I repeated my lie.

ANON: I am willing and able to participate in this attack! HERMES: We will redirect you to another room, there you will meet the leader of your operation, but this can wait until tomorrow. Find some rest, digest everything we told you today and be ready. Your fight for liberation begins now.

I was stoked as I crawled out of my chair and into my bed. The monitor continued to shine its cold light into my room. I hardly ever turned it off. A million thoughts were running through my head, it was impossible to find any sleep that night, but I had my orders. Yes, starting with this night I saw myself as a soldier, a warrior for the network called Hermes, loyal and obedient. It's kinda scary how easy it is to manipulate some high-school-freshman. The problem remained however: I had no idea how to assist in this attack. Nothing, there was nothing I could contribute, all I had was a superiority-complex and a mouth too big for my own good. Well, surely, they would forgive me once they'd find out, right? We'd just laugh it off, what's the worst that could happen, it was just a game after all. Still, sleep would not find me. I entertained the thought to return to my computer-screen, play some games, but in reality, I was too excited to concentrate on anything. So Hermes tried to gather the identities of these so-called Warlords, that was their, our, goal at the moment, but it didn't go far enough. We had to truly and utterly erase all conflict on this planet. We had to get rid of the demon called “Weaponry”. This was my personal goal, but as I said, I was loyal, I wouldn't further my own interests when there were orders to fulfill. That is, until I started to warp the truth a little. I just assumed that my goal aligned with Hermes', that I acted in their interests and from here on out, it all comes tumbling down. Be assured though, no harm came to me. As I sit here, telling my story, reminiscing about my embarrassing childhood, I am still in possession of all my limbs and received no scars, be it physically or emotionally. Oh, and I am very much alive obviously, I won't pull a plot twist on you, someone else actually narrating the story, a close friend standing in front of the grave of the actual protagonist in the end. We will have none of that. But just because I say that, don't think that they are no stakes involved. No, terrible things happened, it's just that I am sturdier than the average person so none of these events ever really affected me. I am getting sidetracked here...So what I first intended, my first plan to erase all conflict was simply to tell everyone the truth. I was going to lay it all out, about the warlords, about the wasteland surrounding us, about our forged history, everyone needed to know. Screw the consequences, I had a narrative to share. The people deserved to know the truth. So when I finally fell asleep, I wasted no time, skipping school without even thinking about it and went online. I needed a new handle, a new identity and soon, all over the internet, a mysterious name popped up, educating the masses. The infamous GunBreaker. That's the title card right here.

5

So suddenly, the GunBreaker popped up everywhere, posting comments, writing long blog-posts, which seemed more like fictional writing, but the whole story was true! At least, I thought so, after all, I trusted my anonymous source, why wouldn't I? But as one can imagine, nobody believed me, instead they trolled me into oblivion. However, while I might have hated all these spiteful messages, the people who laughed about my crazy theories, I steadily gained some sort of twisted fame. People started to reference me, things like “A new conspiracy? Better get GunBreaker on the case.” or “not even GunBreaker would buy that shit.” Now, nobody took me serious and that was a problem, but it was still a weird feeling, seeing my new name popping up all over the sites I used to frequent, as a total nobody. They knew my name now and whenever I posted a comment, people were all over me, asking me questions, making fun of me. As I said, no one actually believed me or took me seriously, but also no one hated me. I was like the jester of the internet. Wait, that's something my teenager-self thought at the time, more realistically, they treated me like a retarded child. That's a little harsh, I know, but that doesn't make it any less true. And of course, how else could it be, I was happy about all this attention they threw at me. Eventually, I received another Invitation from Hermes, leading me into another room. Honestly, I almost forgot about the operation we were supposed to carry out, too caught up in my own hijinks. Yet as I saw the message, the memory returned, crystal-clear and I gulped audibly. I still had no idea how to “distract” the government, how to hack into any website. Damn, I was dumb, I had at least a little time, enough to understand the fundamentals at least. Here I was, completely clueless. So I entered the room, but this time, I changed my screen-name. GUNBREAKER: Hey, guys. Was all I typed and the response followed swiftly. DECOY: So it was you... I am the appointed leader of this operation, everyone else is already instructed.

Yet again, I found myself in a one-on-one chat-room, I guess to many participants would only complicate things, so it was fine by me.

GUNBREAKER: Nice to meet you. DECOY: I trust Hermes already told you? Our goal is to attack the official sites of some government institutions, like the high council, the ministry of finances,nothing to exciting. Every skript-kiddie would be capable of shutting these down for a few minutes, but that is exactly what we want them to think. While we strike at their main-frame, a treasure trove of information, the identities of the warlords will be the least shocking revelation if we actually manage this.

Man, this guy must have felt like some military commander instructing his troops right before they jump into a decisive battle. So embarrassing...

DECOY: We appoint the Ministry of city development to you, these sheeps will be surprised to find out that there is no information about the next construction area. Serves them right, being stuck in traffic for believing these lies.

Uh huh...

GUNBREAKER: I understand completely. When will we carry out the operation?

DECOY: At 2200, tomorrow, hit them at night, when their bosses sleep peacefully. We can deal with some bored IT-guys, no problem. It is imperative that you act on time. Shut down your designated homepage and keep them busy. Further instruction should be unnecessary, but do keep in mind that we operate on a tight schedule, every attack needs to happen, otherwise our professional team will miss the time to successfully break in and leave without any traces. Do you understand? Please confirm these mission directives.

GUNBREAKER: I understand my orders. Bring down the public website of the Ministry of City Development, I will not disappoint you.

DECOY: Understood, we meet at 2100, to coordinate the attack. Just be there, we will invite you again. Decoy out.

I was so fucked! Then again, why would a single attack matter? Who knows how many hackers and crackers were on the job, why should a single failure doom the entire mission? So the operation to liberate all of humanity was not at stake, what relief. However, I was still screwed, if the site of this ministry would not go down, if they noticed, then Hermes would know that I am at fault, that I didn't do my part. Surely, they would throw me out then. I couldn't let this happen! So naturally, I did what everyone would do in my situation. I sat down in front of my computer, brought up a search-engine and typed:”How to hack a website”

6

I actually found some interesting results! Judging by how heavily curated our network seemed to be earlier when I conducted my research, I expected absolutely nothing. Yet here I found multiple guidelines,  detailing how to easily bring down a webpage. There was just one problem, despite their claims, it wasn't easy at all! I couldn't wrap my head around it, what the hell? Maybe I could have, if only I had more time, but until tomorrow? There was no chance! I read about scripts, directory listings, source codes, saw some weird programming chains, remote files, none of it made any sense to me. Clutching my head, staring at the screen, I tried my darndest, but nothing would sink in. I was only a teenager, not even  particularly smart, no one could expect this shit of me. They would though, Hermes would expect this of me and  if I was unable to deliver, who knows what they would do to me. I seriously started to get a little scared, recalled the stories I heard about him, true or not. He seemed like a badass, I didn't want him to come after me... So I did my best, I spent all my time reading up on this hacker-business. Even an idiot like me could do this, I just needed to put in the effort. Some time later, I grasped some of the ideas. And I needed tools, these guides clearly stated I need some programs to actually start. Obviously, I looked for them...and found absolutely nothing. That was bullshit, the guide clearly stated that these tools were easily obtainable! There was absolutely nothing, no matter how hard I looked! Was that a joke, did the government intervene here? They leave the guidelines up, but then remove any possibility to actually follow through? Are they taunting me? Or worse tracking me as soon as I made my search query? What a scary thought, I just wanted to quit at this point. I simply was not allowed to, Hermes probably knew all about me already, if I just left now, there would be retribution. A new dawn rose, the sun annoyingly caressed my sleep-deprived face. Then, after a few hours of morning despair, I even went so far and visited some nearby bookstores, for the first time in my recent memory. Analogue reading is only done by losers after all, but I was running out of options here. “Programming for absolute Morons” caught my eye, but I didn't want to learn how to program, this was useless. “Even a skript-kiddie could do it”. Does this mean I'm  not even  on this level? What an embarrassment, how tragic! I seriously started to loose it, but there was nothing to be done. So at 9 pm I sat in front of my screen, clueless, utterly useless, but at least I was on time. As before, an invitation, it was second nature by now, I struggled to stay awake, being up for over 24 hours, as I entered the chat-room. This time it wasn't just me, multiple people were gathered, I counted eight including our operations-leader. Their names were such  typical products of a teenage mind: Iceglazier, Bloodedge, AcidicKiller, you get the idea. I vividly remember thinking how cool they all sounded, but I didn't need to hide. Gunbreaker was an awesome name, after all, nothing to laugh about. Well, I am laughing in embarrassment when I think back, especially since it only got worse over time. But wait a second, was eight even enough? Could we pull this off? I'm saying we, but obviously I couldn't really contribute. DECOY: So you all have gathered here, very well. Our role is just as important as the main groups work, without us, they can only fail. I just wanted to make this clear one more time.

Nobody replied here, this was Decoys show and he seemed to really enjoy himself. Or herself, hell if I ever found out.

DECOY: Everyone present here already received their orders and we got precisely 43 minutes until this mission commences. If there is everything still open, something that's not clear, now is the time to ask. There shouldn't be, though, we are professionals after all.

Yes, excuse me, but how do I exactly hack a website? I don't really get the bare-bone fundamentals. Like I'd ever ask something like that. But goddammit, what could I do instead? The truth was out of the question, my lie already to advanced to safely pull out now.

BLOODEDGE: How long will it take the main-team to fulfill their objective?

DECOY: We estimate around 15 minutes. Just clear your mission, that should give us enough time. Is there anything else?

No response. Maybe these guys actually were professionals. Or maybe it was just that nobody dared to ask a stupid question, just like myself. At this time in the past, I of course assumed the first point, no doubt about it.

DECOY: Then you are dismissed. Our mission is nothing less then the liberation of all humanity. Act accordingly and do not disappoint us. Don't let Hermes down! And do it for our future, do it for our children and do it for their children. And the past, can't forget the fallen warriors coming before us, the billions of lives lost in the great Wars that lead our planet into this cruel fate. Also, do it for Jenny, I'm gonna tell her my feelings after this!...yeah.

God, how did I ever get tricked by these losers?

DECOY: Afterwards, you will be invited again for a post-mission briefing, good luck!

Everyone left the room one after another and then there I was, slumped down in my comfy chair, staring blankly at the screen, while the clock was ticking. I had to act, I could not let them down. I opened the site for the ministry, just looking at it, expecting a clue to pop up, a gate leading me to a solution. Maybe I should have asked where the other ones got their tools from, but then I had to admit that I never done this before. Before I reached out to Hermes. Why, you might ask? Why was it such a big deal? This is so childish. The thing is: yes, exactly, I was a child after all, none of this shit really mattered if you think about it. But to a useless teenager, who had no talents, nothing he was really good at, this was very important, it was everything, a chance to finally be someone. Five minutes left until 10 pm. My head crashed on my desk in frustration, but more then a small bruise on my forehead was not achieved by this. Then I had to surrender, I had to finally admit, that there was nothing I could do, that I lost. I was lying to myself thinking I could achieve something, anything to change the world...with Hermes help! Indeed, I had to do this on my own, this was my conclusion out of this event. GunBreaker would go on a solo-mission, using his unflappable mind and his sharp rhetoric to open the eyes of the population. Hermes would become my rival, a friendly relationship, our goals aligned, yet our methods would be different and it would be very interesting to see who would come out on top. Just you wait, Hermes, you are not the only one who will free humanity of its shackles, breaking the walls of their cities. Curiosity, however got the better of me and I absolutely wanted to see if they could pull off their attack. It was 10 pm by now, so I just brought up the official site of our High Council and there it was. “This page is unavailable while we perform maintenance. Please refer to our social media-account for updates.” I kinda expected something more flashy, the Hermes logo all over the site, mocking words behind it, while the allegedly teenage hacker celebrated his victory over the stupid authority. Something like this, not some official statement, that might as well be a coincidence. I checked the city development page next and my eyes went wide. The same message? But I didn't do anything. That was very weird, really suspicious even! However, highschool-me just shrugged it off, like the moron that he was. Someone else must have taken my part as soon as they realized I wasn't participating, a simple answer to a rather complicated problem. They succeeded apparently, this was all I took from this, good for them. For my newfound rival, a worthy opponent. And for the following weeks, the net was haunted by the GunBreaker, more determined then ever before.

[ivynightshade]

fatima aamer bilal, excerpt from moony moonless sky’s i can't be loved, swallowed or digested. must i make myself smaller?

this thought was unceasing: somewhere must be home. / the spine-folding need to belong was woven into my skin. no amount of clawing could ever get it out. / it scared me that even at my very best, i wouldn’t be able to stop myself from being fond of the tearing. isn’t mauling touch? / the warmth of a hand close to you, right before it tears you apart, is something. / you’re always welcome in my kitchen. / i store all the love in my flesh. won’t you take a bite? / skin me to my last bone, draw out the marrow till it is gone. / (save me from my heritage. i wonder if violence is all i have inherited?) / i am not beautiful like a pomegranate, but i could be. skin is skin; all that it hides was never pretty, so don’t worry about getting your hands bloody. / i had seen it firsthand with the people around me: it was safe to think that if jay wasn’t bleeding to death, he would have tried his absolute best to be friends with the knife jabbed in his back. / how we become a vessel of need was beyond me. "let me be of service," i say to everything in particular. / i always keep band-aids in my bag, just in case someone needs them. / actually, to be called upon. to hear my name softly. to be needed. to be required. to be wanted. / wasn’t i just praying on others to get hurt so that they could need me? / might as well be the sharp object that hurt them in the first place. / but i can’t be helped. i hang from every word of affirmation with a rope around my neck.

[ivynightshade]

fatima aamer bilal, excerpt from moony moonless sky’s ‘i can’t be loved, swallowed or digested. must i make myself smaller?’

[text id: this thought was unceasing: somewhere must be home. / the spine-folding need to belong was woven into my skin. no amount of clawing could ever get it out. / it scared me that even at my very best, i wouldn’t be able to stop myself from being fond of the tearing. isn't mauling touch? the warmth of a hand close to you, right before is tears you apart, is something.]

[the-insomniac-cat]

I’m There - a story of Loki

A Loki and Thor one-shot, set after Infinity War and Avengers 4 and on the assumption that Loki doesn’t survive :(  Thor is praying like he did for Odin, but this time for Loki. Loki comes and interrupts him. Again. They go to where Odin ascended from and talk about the past and the future. (the title is a reference to the end of Ragnarok, when Loki says to Thor, ”I’m here.”)

It had been nine days since the fall of Thanos. The Avengers had said their goodbyes to the others who'd fought, and then retired to Stark Tower.

They had not had time to pause during the war, to reflect or process all the horror around them, or digest the difficult decisions that had had to be made. Their time together like this, afterwards, was essential and, though they tried to keep it feeling casual they all knew that sometimes, meetings could be more jovial than was really warranted. No matter. Debriefs, official and otherwise, had been gone over. Time together, drinks and reminiscing over the past. Eventually it could be delayed no longer- the days to split up and go their separate ways arrived. And, as those who still had homes went back to them, Thor sat on a cliff alone. In Norway.

He sat, relieved to be on his own at last, on a clifftop overlooking the sea. It was late evening. He had spent the last hour clearing a space and building a small pile of stones. It had a large stone at the bottom, and rose by smaller and smaller stones, till a pebble and barely a ball of grit sat on the top. He had placed blades of flowering grass around it, and arranged shells into the shape of two horns. When he was ready, he knelt down. Once comfortable, he prayed;

"Loki, I  bid you take your place in the halls of Valhalla   Where thine enemies have been vanquished Where the brave shall live Forever Nor....."

Another voice joined in from behind him, "Nor shall we mourn but rejoice for those that have died the glorious death."

Thor thought he knew, though didn't believe, who this was. It wasn't the first time that he had been interrupted whilst praying this way. He turned, slowly...

Loki stood there, looking down at him,  his eyes smiling, green and clear.

"Hello brother." He said, quietly.

Thor stared. He knew that this must not be true. He watched. It could only have taken a few moments but as he looked over his brother, soaking in every detail, it seemed much longer.

"Loki..." he said, barely above a whisper.

Loki stood in a familiar, simple black suit.  His arms hung at his sides, his palms slowly turning towards Thor.

"Walk with me, brother," he said.

Thor lifted himself off the ground and, hesitating, not taking his eyes off him, he walked towards Loki. Loki grinned and nodded, and the two of them turned to walk along the cliff, Loki with his long hands in his pockets.

His heart racing, Thor tried to act normally, and tried to pretend that he could take all this in his stride. So he sniffed loudly, coughed, ostensibly wiping his mouth across his wrist. Loki just looked ahead and smiled, fully knowing what Thor was doing.

For a while, the only sound was from waves sweeping the beach below.

"Why did you come here?" Loki asked, at last

"This is where our fath.... where Odin left us."

Loki looked down and swallowed, noticing how Thor had thought it might hurt him to call Odin his father. Very thoughtful of him, very discerning, he thought. But nothing could upset him now, and the usual jolt in the heart that such a thing would have caused before, didn't come.

"I was... I was thinking of you. I've missed you," Thor slowed down his pace, letting Loki walk ahead a little, "I am missing you." Finally, tears, as Loki slowed down and turned to face him.

"I know." Loki smiled, tilting his head, "It's been hard for you. I have watched, you know."

Loki's grin: a smile, a chuckle. "Here he is!" thought Thor, "Here's my brother! Making light of matters of sentiment!"

"Eh eh. Come on! I haven't finished with you yet." Loki signalled to Thor over his shoulder as he walked ahead, "Come along."

The two strolled on till they came to the rock where they'd sat with Odin before his spirit had ascended. Not speaking of what it was, they looked first at it and then each other, eyes meeting, and Thor realised where they were and smiled back at Loki. They took their seats and watched the kittiwakes as they swooped across the water, farther out to sea.

"Here was the beginning of the end," Thor looked thoughtfully at the empty space between them. "Hela, Ragnarok, the war. We threw Asgard away. Lost so many. SO much blood, brother. So much blood shed through ALL our lives. How are you...."

Loki looked serious now, watching Thor as he spoke.

"Everyone thought you would go to Helheim,"

Loki raised his eyebrows at this,

"What with all your twists and turns! Huh!" Thor turned to Loki, "I guess there is forgiveness after all."

"No, brother, there isn't,"

"Wh...what? You mean... what?" Thor began to panic. Had Loki come to say goodbye, before sinking to the land of the dishonourable dead? He gulped, tried to catch a breath, "NO! No that can't be. By the Gods! Not that place. There must be forgiveness, Loki. You can't go there. You can't be lost.."

"It's ALL. RIGHT." Loki held his hand a little above Thor's arm, then gently, "it's all... right.. I've not be judged unworthy. There is no forgiveness, but there is redemption. I've come here to say goodbye, dear brother, but also to thank you."

Thor's eyes were screwed up against his tears and confusion, "Thank me? But.. wha ? What for? I only ever berated you. I was unfair so often, Loki..."

"You gave me a chance when I needed it most. It's because of you, your actions, your decisions, that I am with our mother and father.

It was not lost on Thor's ears that Loki had acknowledged their parents. He continued:

"I was jealous at times, and my rage pushed you all away. But I always loved you. And when you said that Asgard was the people, I knew in my heart that you truly were their king. And I knew what I had to do for you. I knew then that I would die, if necessary, to save them. It was you, brother it was always you. I had to do what I could to get you all out of Asgard alive. "

"SO I WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR DYING?"

"NO!" Loki ached to  reassure him, "No," he repeated, gently, smiling, "No, I made the  decision. It came to me that  if I bundled up all the power that I'd   used badly in the past, then I could do it. I reached down into myself and pulled together all my power and knew that I could  use it again, this time for a good thing. FOR others and not AGAINST them. And it worked. It did hurt, but it worked. That's how I survived  the vaults. That's how I got out after bringing Surtur's head to the  Everlasting Flame. -I got out because I needed to. I willed it. I wasn't afraid."

"And the Tesseract? What of that? That led Thanos to us!"

"No. I took the Tesseract because I knew about its power. I knew it could be a powerful weapon AGAINST Thanos:- he was already on his way. Heimdall had seen him. He spoke to me about it, on Bifrost, as we herded the people towards the ship. I hadn't known the size of HIS ship though. I hadn't known what was on board it, either. I thought he might come to us somewhere on land. I never thought he would attack us out there. I didn't know Heimdall had seen him there."

Thor was looking down at his feet. Gulls swooped low and snatched the silence away.

"But," Thor said quietly, as Loki leaned in to hear him, "But did you know that Thanos would kill you?" Tears again, dreading Loki's answer.

"I knew Thanos of old, "Loki explained, "He caught me when I fell into the abyss. And although he showed me more worlds and more knowledge than I would ever have seen had I stayed on Asgard, his price was high. I suffered, and I knew that he could make every being in the universe suffer. I KNEW that he would take half of everything," Loki paused,  "and," -waiting for Thor to look up at him- "there were TWO princes of Asgard..... so I knew he would want one of us."

Thor stared at him. He was just grasping how Loki had achieved his redemption. He had won it, as so often redemption is won, with a sacrifice. But had saving Thor really been enough? Enough to balance Loki's book? All those deaths? Injuries? Insults? Suffering?

Loki could hear his thoughts. "No," he smiled, "As much as I see my beloved brother's virtues, I don't think my saving just you would have helped in the great scheme of things!"

Thor grinned.

"Our actions, though,” he continued, “saved civilisations. And you were better to lead the Avengers, so you had to live. Would they have trusted me? Would anyone on Midgard? In a way, I died for having made them doubt me, by the terrible things I did in New York - I died for my past. I died for you, and I died for the future. That saved me. And without you, I wouldn't have done that." Loki stood. "Thank you, Thor."

Thor and Loki locked eyes. Then Thor realised that Loki had just done something he hadn't done since they'd been boys together, playing chase in the corridors of Asgard's Royal Palace: he had used his name. He stood and went to hug him, just remembering at the last second that this was impossible. Loki nodded. Yes, he had wanted to as well.

"I have to go." Loki looked out across the sea.

Thor saw the sea breeze catch Loki's hair again. A tiny glimpse of hope stirred him once more: if Loki weren't really here, how can his hair move in the wind?

Loki turned, "It's because your mind adds in all the little details," he said, "That's why, if you look, I have a shadow, as well! Clever, isn't it?" He grinned.

Thor stared, amazed. He looked down and, sure enough, Loki was somehow casting a shadow. The ground that the shadow fell onto was real. But the shadow was not.

"Huh! Thor thought, "Well in all my centuries, I never knew that."

He looked up to witness an aquamarine swirl where Loki had been standing. It was spinning and changing to emerald, then gold. He fell back, afraid.

As the light cleared, Loki was there, resplendant, transformed. He was now dressed in clothes worthy of a hallowed place. But as he was no longer in danger, he needed no armour. Instead, he was robed in knee length black velvet, with ancient Norse patterns around the edges, embroidered in sparkling gold thread. Jewels glistened around the neck. A twisting belt hung loosely around his hips. Long boots, in fresh, polished, black leather reached through twisting patterns to the ground. His black hair was longer now, falling onto his shoulderblades, it was thick, neat and glossy in the evening sun. Above it, and fitting for a Prince, there sat a crown. Short sided, gold, and curled into a pattern showing the branches of Ydrasil. His skin, not so pale now, clear and -to Thor's amazement- seeming so full of health and life. His eyes sparkled nothing but love.

"Goodbye, brother," he said, peacefully, smiling. And he winked as he turned to walk towards the cliff edge.

"WAIT!" shouted Thor, "PLEASE!"

Loki turned, grinning, and playfully rolled his eyes. "Always the last word, Thor?"

"Wait." Thor repeated, trying to remember what he was going to say. "Will I see you again? Will I see mother and father? Will I.. will I see you again?"

"There is a palace there," said Loki,calmly, "And a large refrectory. It has a long, dressed, table where everyone feasts. Our parents are keeping a place for you, near the top of it. You'll see." he grinned, then turned back to continue walking.

"AND YOU? LOKI! LOKI, WHAT OF YOU?!"

Loki looked back over his shoulder at Thor as he walked.

"I'M THERE, THOR!" he called, then, gently, "I'm there." He smiled and raised a hand.

And he turned to walk towards the sea, where instead of stopping at the edge of the cliff, he continued, his feet seemingly stepping out onto air.

Thor stood, looking on, as his brother's image faded, paler and paler, then burst again into vibrant green sparkles and gold tipped orbs, rising, up, up and up, spreading out into the darkening sky, till the cloud of jewels lost itself among the stars.

also on waatpad: https://my.w.tt/gAl9FkCxFN under the pen name Gold Gerbera. Other stories are there too x