#i can prob play catch up during holiday break (no promises)

[heymeowmao]

2024.11.03 - https://weibo.com/l/wblive/p/show/1022:2321325096691572277348

- /no luck with the AV settings, it seems. off to a great start./ LYN: Blame it on the fact that I haven’t streamed in too long. I’m sorry, excuse me. - /fixes it, sort of/ LYN: This still looks like it won’t do. Is- is this thing messing with me?? Can you only see one half? I think the aspect ratio is wrong. Let me work on it. No rush. /sigh/ I’m speechless. Maybe it’s because I haven’t used it in so long. - /crowdsourcing for help XD/ C: It sounds like we’re in a water drain. LYN: Hold on. Why don’t you wait for me- when I’m done fixing the settings I’ll turn it back on. - LYN: I haven’t streamed in so long that I’ve gotten rusty. I haven’t planned well, but I have just contacted some weibo staff in the hopes that they will impart their wisdom to me. They’ve told me to restart the video, so I’ve done that and it seems fixed. Is the sound ok now? There’s no more echo, right? Can you hear the music? You can. And the laughter? Ok, perfect. Today’s stream will go extremely smoothly. LYN: I’m sweating. LYN: Let me once again welcome you all to my stream. Welcome, everyone! I am seeing you all on this Sunday night. Welcome in. LYN: For the last stream I used a vertical view but everyone said that horizontal was better so I’ve switched back but what I didn’t account for was the issue with the settings, but that’s all been fixed now.

C: Congrats on breaking 1 million (views). LYN: Congrats, indeed. Of course, this is due to the efforts of the cast, crew, and viewers. Thank you, everyone. LYN: I saw yesterday that ZLS was working hard to get a lot of her friends to promote the drama. I saw many different posts from everyone around the industry in support of ZLYM. She’s worked really hard on this, and even /I/ wanted to make a post for her. It would say: “Friends, let’s watch  ZLS’s drama ZLYM together.” I also count as one of her good friends in this industry, right? I wanted to get in on the fun. But then I was afraid that if I did people would accuse me of being dramatic (getting himself involved so that people talk about him). I wanted to post, “Support ZLYM, quickly start watching it!” But then I thought about it and came to the conclusion that it wouldn’t be proper, so I reconsidered and did not make a post about it. LYN: I’ve learned to restrain myself. I’ve been cursed at so much in the past year that now I’m cautious and timid. If this were me a few years ago, I would promote it to the extreme. But now I’ve started acting as the male lead in dramas, and the ratings so far have been pretty decent, so… as a male lead I need to be more honorable/proper. I don’t want to stir anything up.

10:26 C: Boss, may I go to the upper decks*? LYN: You must thank the *heavenly realm. For letting me meet you. - [t/n: 上舱 = shàng cāng = upper deck; 上苍 = shàng cāng = “upper realm” = heaven ] LYN: /YZJ voice/ Stay on the lower decks! - C: I want to be your personal attendant. LYN: Oh, you must have seen up to today’s ep. (e7), right? YZJ gave DW two choices: 1. Come to the upper deck to be YZJ’s personal attendant, serving only me. YZJ didn’t get to finish, but DW chose the second option. But the second option was to… get hit. I’m speechless. LYN: You want to be on the upper deck? Oh- I don’t need you, though. The upper decks are full. There are no more beds left on the upper deck. Kang Ju sleeps on one, and his cane takes up another. I don’t have any more spaces, so how about you see if you can bunk with someone else? - C: Are there other jobs on the ship? LYN: You mean, other than my personal attendant? There are cleaners, aren’t there? And cooks, and… there are lots of jobs. Putting wood in the furnace (engine?), steering the ship, etc. LYN: /sigh/ Forget about it.

13:35 C: Ge, are there cockroaches on your ship? (蟑螂 = zhāngláng) LYN: /laughs/ No cockroaches, but Zhang-langjun (郎君) (Zhang Jinran) is there. LYN: Oh, Tang Xiaotian is here. Zhang-langjun is here, I saw him in the comments! Report him to management! Oh, we can’t? Zhang-langjun is here, let’s welcome him. LYN: It’s such a coincidence, isn’t it. A lot of things are just bound to happen- they’re determined by fate. Who would have thought that we were just talking about Zhang Jingran- a very handsome scholar, a poet, well-liked and kind, who is helpful to others, talented, handsome and taller than me! Such a handsome fellow, and people are calling him “Zhang-langjun.” - t/n: “Master Zhang”, but can also be interpreted as “Mister Cockroach” depending on where you put the hyphen. LYN: We said this during our livestream the other day, too. When we were shooting and had to call his name- “Zhanglang-jun.” We had already thought of this joke but I didn’t think that the viewers caught on as well. Such a coincidence! Then, I went to shoot at Hi6- also to promote for ZLYM- I had gone as an actor of the ZLYM crew. That slipper… the crew chose it for me. I didn’t choose it myself! When I had gone backstage to change there already weren’t that many selections left, so they suggested I wear the slipper and even asked me if I had any idol baggage. I said, “It’s fine, I can wear whatever. It’s all good. Let me wear the slipper.” At the time I recorded the variety show, the drama hadn’t started airing yet. So… it was just fate’s plan. I didn’t think I would be the slipper, but in the end I became the cockroach’s nemesis. LYN: Welcome, TXT. My “qiáng”. Why is he my “qiáng”? He had sent me a message earlier that read: “What do you mean that I’m your “qiáng”?” I thought about it the whole day- I just got off the plane and was on my way here when he replied with that. I was thinking about it and it’s because zhāngláng = xiǎo qiáng. [t/n: 蟑螂 (zhāngláng) = cockroach; a common online word referring to cockroaches uses the words '小强' (xiǎo qiáng) (little strong); even cockroaches get cutesy nicknames.]

17:53 LYN: Let me ask him if he wants to come on. // If video is not convenient for you, just audio is fine, too. LYN: TXT, I sent you a text message. Take a look at it.

LYN: You’re saying that Li Bofan is here? Oh- welcome, Bofan! [songwriter] C: Change the song. LYN: I’m playing songs in my own stream, and you want me to change it? /sigh/ There’s two possibilities with this friend: 1. They have high standards for music. They must have heard the previous song too much and it’s annoying them, so they want me to change it to something better. The other possibility is 2. They say that Li Bofan is here, so they want me to play this song. LYN: LBF- Start crying! //  I’m joking!! (x3) I shouldn’t be touching his scars. -- 努力的人 (Hardworking People) [written by LBF]

LYN: He said that I haven’t turned on the “join livestream” feature. Let me turn it on for him. Okay- now it’s on. Hold on- I’m streaming on my computer, so- It should work! I’m on my computer. I’ve fixed it now, its on. / Oh- you’re eating? Okay, audio is fine. LYN: Then why don’t we just do a voice call from here (phone)? It’ll save you the trouble of connecting to the stream… // Because I’m streaming from my computer I can’t see the join request. Hold on. Let me see… Maybe we just connect via phone.  LYN: /talking to someone offscreen/ I know it’ll come through the phone, but he hasn’t sent the request. Has he? No- what are all of YOU requesting to join for?? Stop messing around. I’m going to reject your requests! If you’re in the queue then TXT doesn’t have a space! Cancel your requests and stop messing with me. LYN: How long will it take me to find… /scrolling/. Wait- I can just invite him.

23:03 - /trouble getting started/ LYN: Okay! Let me interview you a bit. You now have the very resounding nickname of “Mr. Cockroach”- what do you think of it? TXT: /laughing/ I think this shows the viewer’s love for our drama. I was called “Laobing-ge” in a different drama, before. LYN: Do you mind it? TXT: No, because everyone has their own ways of expressing their love for something. I think it’s great, as long as we have the love in the first place. LYN: That’s fine, then. Thank you, also, for sacrificing so much for our drama. (being called Mr. Cockroach) TXT: No, no. It’s my pleasure. LYN: Are you eating? TXT: Yes, some Hunan cuisine and it’s so spicy. LYN: Okay. Well, do you want to say “hi” to everyone, and let them know if there’s anything they can look forward to in the drama coming up? TXT: Oh, they CAN hear us talking? Then I should blow my nose… LYN: Yeah, they can hear clear as day. Did you think we were talking privately, making secret phone calls? TXT: Oh. Well we’re on 8 episodes today, and- I won’t talk about myself, but I’m sure that people are seeing that YZJ is secretly teaching DW all these survival tactics and that he cares about her. ZJR continues to unhesitatingly help DW, but… Ning-ge will probably show a lot more change, so I hope everyone continues to watch and support. There’s more to the plot waiting for you. LYN: :) Honestly, I think that ZJR’s character is quite charismatic and he’s helped out a lot on the journey. He’s very upstanding. In the later episodes my relationship with him will undergo some changes, as well. Also! I saw a funny video today- the part where you were being pursued by killers and you took a rock to slam on their feet. TXT: /laughs/  LYN: Did you see that? TXT: Yeah, and someone had commented that they feel sorry for the killers. LYN: I saw a comment that almost made me die from laughter. TXT: I think I saw it, too. LYN: The comment said, “I’m a patient with severe paronychia* and I can’t bear to watch this image. It sincerely hurts to look at.” [*nail inflammation resulting from trauma, inflammation, or infection] TXT: I hurt, too. I was exercising and two of my nails... LYN: I’ll send that video to you, later. It was so funny. LYN: Friends- you can go find that video. When ZJR is using a rock to smash the bad guy’s feet. TXT: I even replied to that author, I said I was smashing cockroaches. LYN: Oh, you replied? TXT: Yeah. LYN: Okay, well- you eat. Later when you have some time I’ll call you over to come play. TXT: Okay, no problem. Bye, everyone~ Ning-ge, you continue. LYN: You, eat. TXT: Ok! LYN: Everyone, please give TXT some attention and follow him. There are more interesting plots and performances waiting for you. Please pay him some attention. TXT: Bye bye, Ning-ge.

28:00 LYN: Usually I use my computer to livestream, so sometimes connecting with someone is a little difficult. There’s a bit of a delay, which complicates things. Okay. It’s fine. C: What is paronychia? LYN: Go look it up! I won’t be explaining the symptoms and pain of having paronychia to you, here. This joke is the type where if you get it, you get it but it you don’t, then forget it. I don’t know why I have to be explaining this to you, when my drama is airing (and he could be talking about it instead). Along with treatment methods and the harm it brings to the body? What’s the point in me telling you this? To put it plainly, paronychia is when the nail grows into your skin. It hurts a lot. It hurts even when you're not moving, let alone when you’re grabbing a rock to smash feet. It’ll hurt you to death. C: The edges were red and swollen. LYN: Stop talking about it. Let us end this topic about paronychia here, okay? I have a drama airing, so my hope is that we can be talking about ZLYM when people enter the stream, so that they can go and support the drama. But here they are, entering the stream to hear us chatting about paronychia. Is this a side story? The Story of Pearl Girl: Legend of Paronychia??

30:35 C: Turn off the “join livestream” function. LYN: I won’t turn it off just yet. What if the female lead comes in, later? What will it mean that TXT came and I opened the connection, but now that the female lead is here I’ve turned it off? People would be able to hold that against me. There are people hating on our drama already, you want to give them the excuse to say that the male and female leads don’t get along? That’s game over. 

31:25 C: Coconut Chicken. (yēzǐ jī). LYN: Is that the name you’ve come up with for me (Yan Zijing)? Mr. Cockroach is a pure tonal pun, but “Coconut Chicken” is a bit of a stretch, isn’t it? I think you’re just here for clout. It’s a little… not so… natural. LYN: If you wanted to call me Swallow Spirit (yànzi jīng), that’d be okay. For example, Fox Spirit, but I am a Swallow Spirit. /sings a bit of a song he associates “swallow” to/

32:26 LYN: Let me tell you- I am someone who is not affected by negative comments. Someone in the chat wrote four words, “the plot is average.” Friends- a normal artist will not respond to such a comment, but I am the type to face difficulties head-on. What type of person do you have to be, to come into one of the actor of this drama’s livestream when we are all having fun, just to say the words, “The plot is average.”?? You’re the type of person who makes a lot of noise online; but in real life- For example: a property just had its grand opening today and they’re celebrating with fireworks, but you walk over cracking melon seeds and just say, “The structure of this building is just average.” Eight security guards will come out of nowhere and beat you up! You really don’t know how to speak. You’re only good for making noise online. In real life, you’d go to a restaurant on its opening day, look at what other people are eating and say, “These dishes were cooked just averagely.” The chef is going to beat you over the head with their ladle. LYN: How annoying! LYN: Also I want to discuss a problem with you. “The plot is average.” If the plot is average, go find the drama crew! Go ask the screenwriter, what are you harassing me for??? You must be sick. Go find the scriptwriter’s weibo account and leave them a message, why are you complaining to me?! I’m just an actor, here to perform, so there’s no use in complaining to me about the plot. If you wanted to say that my acting was mediocre, that, I can accept. But for the plot? You’ve come to the wrong door. Get out. LYN: You’re such a bad person, so annoying. You’re likely to have paronychia. Later you can have Mr. Cockroach go treat it for you. This must be a sever paronychia patient: they’re in pain, so making a fuss will make them feel better. Go have Mr. Cockroach treat you. Follow TXT’s weibo account, as he’s a paronychia doctor. With his miracle rock you won’t ever have to worry about paronychia again. 

36:30 LYN: The stream isn’t lagging. It’s because ZLYM has a promotion group, so I told them that I was going to go back to Beijing, but that I’d maybe do a livestream tonight. I told them about it, and ZLS asked me when I would start streaming, so she can come and send me gifts. I told her that my gifting is closed, and how about she just sends me 66 over WeChat for the ceremony of it and be done with it? So she supported my livestream that way. LYN: I’m kidding! How could I ask her for a red envelope?? I told her that my gifting was closed and she was happy she could save some money. But I told her that when I was streaming, if she had nothing else to do, she could come over and greet everyone. She’s the main lead of our drama, after all. So it would be nice if she could come to chat. She said OK, but that I had to remind her because she’s flying out somewhere tonight, she’s about to get on a plane. LYN: Our entire drama, including the producers and platform are all very attentive towards the promotions of this drama. I’m sure you can see it. We hope that more and more people can be aware of ZLYM, like it, and watch it. I hope it can bring people relaxation or enrich your lives, just a little. C: Lusi is here. LYN: Oh? Let me look- LYN: I realized something embarrassing- which is that when I was connecting to TXT a little earlier, I found out that I wasn’t following him. So when I sent him the invitation to come on my stream, I also subscribed to him as well. LYN: Lusi is here, so let me connect with her. So she can come on and say “hi” to everyone. // ?? What’s her weibo ID?? No- she’s not in here? It’s okay, we’ll wait for her. C: She came, then left. LYN: … Ok, fine. I’m guessing she wanted to spend some money but saw that the gifting option was closed so she went back out. LYN: She’s here now? Okay, she’s here! Oh, my goodness. (sifting through the requests) She’s here. // Um. I sent the request to her, but it’s telling me “Please remind the other part to upgrade Weibo to the latest version.” C: She left to recharge (add money to) her account. LYN: No, she doesn’t need to. LYN: It’s telling her to update to the latest version, so… I’ll invite her again. All she has to do is accept.

42:05 ZLS: What does this mean? What does this mean? LYN: It doesn’t mean anything- it means that we’ve successfully connected. ZLS: Oh, it connected! It told me that I’ve upgraded! This is so professional, Liu-laoshi! I really like connecting like this. This is my first time doing it. LYN: Of course! This is my previous area of expertise! ZLS: This is really professional! I like it. Hello, everyone. “Lao-da, put on some bgm.” Someone needs some music. LYN: Why don’t you greet everyone, first? ZLS: Hello, everyone. LYN: There really is a delay. // It’s okay- you can speak! - /she’s going through a security checkpoint, so they’re asking about the things in her bag/ LYN: Did you see today’s episodes? It’s the treasure hunt, today. ZLS: Last night, I- Oh, no. I haven’t had the time to watch today’s updates. LYN: Mhm. ZLS: I was in a hurry to catch your stream, so I’m happy. LYN: So what you mean is that catching my stream is a little more important than watching the drama? ZLS: It’s more important. Very important. LYN: So my stream has delayed you from watching the drama. ZLS: I said that your stream was more important, right?! LYN: I know- what I mean is that you should watch the drama when it’s time (and not get distracted), so that you can support ZLYM. ZLS: What are you- Okay. Okay, laoshi. LYN: Yesterday I saw that you were working hard and requested a bunch of your good friends to promote the drama, so I was telling everyone that I also wanted to repost and ask people to support your new drama. 

ZLS: Sorry- I need to go through the security check. Let me tell you- sorry, Liu-laoshi- you’ll have to go through the checkpoint. Hold on! Go through the checkpoint, ok? Wait a moment!! LYN: Oh- she’s showing us the inside of an x-ray machine. Now we can so some research on it. She said I’ll have to go through the machine- but I’m holding my phone?? Okay, well. LYN: This might be the first time in my life- I’m sure that while I was being screened, all of you who are watching the stream right now have also been screened. ZLS: Sorry, I’m sorry! Sorry, everyone!! LYN: It’s okay! ZLS: Ten million people have been screened, sorry about that! I had to go through the- but it’s fine now. Sorry, sorry. Otherwise I would have delayed when everyone else is already waiting for me, and then I’d be in trouble. I think-yeah. LYN: Go ahead. ZLS: Everyone is very safe! Everyone went through, so you’re all safe. LYN: /laughing/ Yes, we’re all safe. Thanks for your hard work. On behalf of everyone here I want to tell you that “you’ve worked hard” yesterday to promote the drama. ZLS: Well, you’re the one streaming. And I felt that there was nothing more that I could do. What touched me was that a lot of friends that I don’t talk to that often also helped to promote the drama for me, probably because it was my first time asking them such a thing. And then- because I know that people are busy- and you know that most of the time you have to lighten it by saying “Oh, it’s no problem if you don’t have time. I was only asking.” LYN: “If it’s convenient for you, please help me to promote my drama.” ZLS: Yes, yes. - /talks about someone she only met yesterday, but was very sincere and encouraging/ ZLS: I was happy to see that everyone was willing to help and it felt a lot more meaningful than just a regular drama announcement. LYN: Of course, we’re thankful to all these friends. ZLS: Yes. Thank you, Liu-laoshi. Thanks for your hard work. Thank you to the fans- LYN: Thank YOU for your hard work. ZLS: It’s nothing. I want to thank you and your fans, and my fans, and the actors. We’re all working together to protect the show. I’m thankful that you like the drama.

ZLS: Oh! Your dog popped up! [t/n: a sticker in the comments] LYN: It’s a special effect! ZLS: Daimi!! LYN: Okay, well. You should catch your plane. I won’t disturb you, but it was nice of you to come at the last minute to greet everyone. ZLS: Yes, please support Liu-laoshi’s stream, and thank you everyone! Okay. LYN: You’re using my platform to extend your thanks to everyone, is that it? ZLS: Yes, that’s right. This platform is great! LYN: You can come more often to promote your dramas and I will collect less of a fee from you. ZLS: I think that’s a great idea! We can even join the stream. I think I should just promote my dramas with you in the future. There are a lot more people watching, here. LYN: That’s the truth. I have good equipment here, too. I have BGM! ZLS: Oh, right! You have the laugh track! /lyn plays some bgm/ Wow! LYN: It’s very impressive. You can give it a try next time, okay? You can promote your songs here, too. I can promote everything. ZLS: Ok, sounds good. Thank you. Thank you, Liu-laoshi! I should catch my plane now. LYN: Oh, my. Thank you for coming over and you’re welcome to come play more often. Have a safe flight! ZLS: Ok, ok. Bye! LYN: After you get off the plane, remember to watch ZLYM. Support ZLS. ZLS: Ok, ok. I’ll go and re-post ZLS’s weibo in support of the drama. LYN: /waves/ Okay. ZLS: How do I get out of here?? :) LYN: I’ll do it, I’ll do it.

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51:08 LYN: Ah! Oh, it’s back. Ok. LYN: I think that’s a good direction for the future of my business (having his actor friends join the stream to promote their dramas). LYN: I wasn’t kicked out. - /thanks people again for promoting ZLYM/ LYN: People are so nice, aren’t they? I started streaming and TXT and ZLS both came. TXT’s out there eating, too. But they still came over to be a guest. It makes me happy that everyone is working together in the hopes that we are properly promoting the show to everyone. I saw something even more touching though, today. After I saw it, I cried. The first thing is that I saw many of you had reserved cloud servers (?). It’s touching, because I know that they’re expensive. 30 yuan for a private room. Why do I know it’s expensive? Because I also paid a lot of money- but it’s not worth mentioning, because I know it’s what I should do! I spent a lot of money and- I don’t regret it at all. Thanks to all the friends who reserved the server in order to promote the drama, so that more and more people have the opportunity to watch the drama. I hope that if you were able to get the server, that you are able to watch ZLYM on time. Don’t have rushed to get the reservation but end up watching a different variety show instead… C: What’s the point of that? LYN: It’s like buying a membership for everyone. For example, there are some students out there who don’t have a lot of spending money, and therefore won’t buy themselves memberships to watch dramas. Then, some friends can come out and buy a membership for them, so that they can watch the drama. C: I didn’t get one. LYN: If you didn’t get one, then buy one. Please support the drama, ok? C: I bought SVIP. LYN: Yes, I did too. Did you think that as a big artist we can get memberships to big platforms for free? No, we still have to buy them, too. How strange is that? It’s a drama that I filmed myself, but I still have to pay money to watch it. I’m kidding! That was a joke. (about it being strange) LYN: Our friends are great and have kept promoting for me, which I am grateful for. I also expressed my thanks to them in the group chat yesterday. I know that every time one of my dramas air, that my fans have a hard time of it. Thank you for your hard work, everyone. Right now, your Ning-ge will offer you a deep bow. 

56:45 LYN: I really enjoy reading the comments that are a little mental. Someone just posted a comment that read, “Then, why don’t you kneel for your fans?” /laughs/ That is, “If you’re so thankful for your fans, express your sincerity and get on your knees. Kneel, if you’re so thankful.” Some people… I want to share something with you- LYN: If you’re going to be so sarcastic, then it will be really difficult for you to survive in a workplace. Getting back on topic- if I were to kneel down in this livestream- So what? There’s no need to speak so mockingly. Do you think you’re Yan Zijing? Friends- I’m gonna kneel! This person is provoking me! Well, I’m the type of person who doesn’t back down to provocation. You really want to do this? You said, if I were really thankful, to kneel down to my fans. I’m going to do it. And what about it?? Let’s do it. /points at the camera/ Watch me. - /makes like he’s going to get on his knees but ultimately uses his hand trick/ LYN: I knelt. C: You mustn’t! LYN: You’re a good actor.

C: That scared me into sweating. LYN: What does that mean? Why would it make you sweat? You afraid that if I kneeled down… then what? I don’t know. C: I’m going to cry. LYN: No, no. Don’t cry! Kneeling is also a form of respect and becoming sworn brothers. It doesn’t matter- even if I did kneel it would be in the name of friendship. C: Bow to one another as husband and wife. LYN: That’s not worth it. Let us just bow to one another as sworn brothers. We may not have been born in the same month, day, or year, but we can die on the same month, day, and year.

1:00:45 C: Ning-ge, did you play the erhu yourself? LYN: Did I play the erhu myself… Um. Did you think I was like a blind person, and that as such playing erhu should come naturally? - /puts on some shades to blindly feel around/ LYN: Is that what you mean? LYN: I didn’t play it myself. I was making the motions, but the sound was filled in during editing. Yan Zijing was really playing, though. 

C: Did you provide the beads for the drama, too? LYN: No- most of them were mine, but part of them were the crew’s, because some of the scenes required me to… throw the beads. /laughs/ I had to throw them at someone’s face, and I couldn’t bear to do it with my own. Most of them really are mine, though. Yu Yonghai- who plays Kang Ju- he gave me a string, and he put another string on for me. I gave him one of my plain ones and he gave me a matching one. He is also a hobbyist. He gave me a string of old xinyue, bodhi, and cinnabar, and I used that in the drama.

- /a comment about more puns of the name Yan Zijing; LYN: You can call him whatever you want./

C: Are the pearls in the drama real? LYN: If I were to say they weren’t real, would that be bad? If I were to say during this live that all the pearls in the drama were real, would that make it seem like we are serious about the props? Why don’t you just ask me if the gold bars in the drama are real?? Ask me if we really chop off people’s heads, while you’re at it. /sigh/ If the execution were real, actors would be one-time use, like chopsticks and tableware. Disposable. The beheadings and everything are for real, yeah. LYN: You know how YZJ is deeply poisoned? As the actor who plays him, I was also poisoned. It gives you a sense of immersion. On the day of filming wrap, I died.

C: Ning-ge, did you really play YZJ yourself? LYN: /laughing/ Uh? What type of question is this, I can’t wrap my head around it. Hold on. ??? “Ning-ge, did you really play YZJ yourself”? … No, I didn’t. I didn’t play him myself, no. A different actor did everything and they used AI to swap his face out for mine. That’s popular now, isn’t it? I don’t know when it started, but no matter who acts in a drama, they all have to use AI to switch the face and post it online to ask, “If it were this person instead, wouldn’t it have been a better fit?” If they’re more suitable, you should have had THEM act in the first place. Of course, I’m not talking about myself, here. I have also been face-swapped, you all know this happened with YNGS. But there are always these posts, “If this role were played by this person, wouldn’t it have been more suitable?” And in the comments are a bunch of fools adding fuel to the fire: “Yes, yes. This person is more suitable. It’s not bad?!? This looks good!” LYN: If acting relied on good-looks alone, then any good-looking person could become an actor. 

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1:05:55 LYN: I hope everyone here can support Fangs of Fortune (FoF/DMGL)! It’s airing at the same time (as ZLYM) and is also a very amazing project. It’s extremely not bad, ok friends? There’s a singer called Liu Yuning, who sang one of the songs, called “Unintentional Big Dream (无心生大梦)”, okay? Let’s take a listen. -- 无心生大梦 (Unintentional Big Dream) [Fangs of Fortune OST] LYN: This song is my first time trying a new style (for me). When I received the demo I was wondering if I would even be able to pull it off. But I grit my teeth, because life is all about breakthroughs and I’ve never tried this style before. So I gave it a try. I recorded it, and I quite liked the result. LYN: Next week’s Hi6 should feature the FoF crew. I will also be there. I’ll be representing the ZLYM drama crew.

1:08:37 C: My mom says your mouth is poisonous. LYN: Did your mom watch that part in the drama? Yan Zijing has a poisonous mouth and he licked his own lips and poisoned himself to death? LYN: Thank you. I’m guessing Auntie has some good taste. I’ve seen Aunties and Uncles around me- not Brothers and Sisters, because I am already old- I see that they’ve also been watching ZLYM. They’re sincerely watching it. C: Will you go to Hello Saturday? LYN: I already went. I was on the episode that aired yesterday (11/2). You must not be my fan! All of my fans know that I went to record for Hi6. So if you haven’t yet subscribed to my weibo, please do so. That way you will always know what I’m up to. Ok? Support me. C: My mom says you look like a son-in-law. LYN: Ehm… if you get a chance, take your mom to get glasses. She saw incorrectly? Or maybe she was a little confused, just now? It’s possible that she saw incorrectly. Take her to get some glasses or something. Look after her.

C: Ning-ge, people are making fun of you online. What do you think of that? LYN: Friends, it’s like this- I am very thankful for YNGS. The ridicule and hate I received during that time was- I’m not exaggerating- almost three times worse than it is now. What I get now is actually not bad. The first thing is that the original group of people probably aren’t spending the money to purposely put me down anymore, and secondly the haters aren’t as enthusiastic about me anymore. They’re probably tired. After everything, they’re only saying the same things that they were last year. They just need to simply copy and paste their comments/opinions from last year and be done.

LYN: /whispers into the mic/ Friends, there are crazy people in this stream. Watch out. There are crazy people here. Earlier you told me that there were people hating on me, to which I replied, (basically) “So what?” Just now someone posted, “I’ll go kill them all!” Did you see that? It’s terrifying! I was told someone was hating on me and someone else posted a message saying that they’ll go kill them all. Really. LYN: Don’t do that!! There’s no need- what sort of grudge, and how much must you hate someone??? There’s no need. Don’t be like this. Calm down. It’s okay. (x3) Let me tell you- the people who hate me, deep down, actually love me. If you really hate a person you don’t even want to SEE them, but these people tirelessly pay attention to every move I make. They listen to every single word I say, trying to find something to use against me. Think about how attentively they must be listening to my timbre, my voice, my resonance, on top of looking at my average face. Right? How much must they have to pay attention to me? On a base level, it’s love. If they didn’t care about me, how would they know where I am wrong or which point to use to ridicule me? So really, they love me. Don’t kill them. Save me some face, and spare their lives. Spare their “dog” life. Ok? C: I’ll go all out. LYN: Don’t!! You’re going to fight the haters? It’s enough. That one person alone was terrifying enough. LYN: “Spare the individual under the knife!” [t/n: used to save someone from execution]

1:14:00 C: Why did you only have one sip of champagne yesterday? LYN: Because… my alcohol tolerance sucks. LYN: Just one sip was enough. It’s not like I was there to get drunk. It’d be a sight if I were to attend an event and just drink all their alcohol.

LYN: I’ll repeat myself- I hope you all can support FoF. If you’ve watched ZLYM and have nothing else to watch, you can support FoF. Widen your horizons. There’s also another drama called Our Days, which is also airing on CCTV. It’s a high-quality drama and this song has a sense of the times, which really helps you to become immersed in the drama. It’s called Our Days. -- 这一路 (This Journey) [Our Days OST]

C: You’ve done quite a lot in this stream tonight. LYN: I skimmed past this comment and at first thought it read “You’ve done some inhumane things in this stream tonight.” I saw wrong. I did a lot of things in this stream, yeah? I promoted ZLYM, and the dramas for which I’ve sung OSTs for (FoF, OD). Of course! We focus on cost-effectiveness and after-sales services. If YYXH had asked me to sing their OST, I would also help to promote them. But they didn’t come to look for me, so there’s nothing I can do. That’s just how it works. I accept the money to help people alleviate their “disasters.” It’s that simple. So I won’t be helping to promote YYXH today. Despite the fact that I am quite close with the actor-friends of YYXH, to each their own. Please be understanding. Excuse me, I’m sorry. We’ll work together the next time.

1:17:12 LYN: There’s also another very good drama airing called A Beautiful Lie. It’s on iQIYI and it ends today, friends. If you haven’t seen this drama yet, you can go support it. If you’ve finished watching ZLYM and you don’t have anything else going on- this drama has ended and all the episodes are out now. You can check it out, okay? It’s called “A Beautiful Lie” and you can take advantage of your break to watch it from start to finish. This song is called “You Are The One.” It’s a song I sang for the OST, and I hope you like it. -- You Are The One [A Beautiful Lie OST]

LYN: That’s right, and there’s another drama which is airing, called The Rise of Ning. This drama stars Zhang Wanyi and Ren Min. We also recorded an episode of Hi6 together, and I was happy to get to know these two new friends. So, friends, if you’ve got nothing to watch after finishing ZLYM, you can check out Rise of Ning, okay? In this drama I sing a song called 泼墨. -- 泼墨 (Splashed Ink) [The Rise of Ning OST]

LYN: There’s another drama, called Kill Me Love Me. Some very amazing actors brought to life the very beautiful drama called KMLM. I think it’s already finished airing, right? In it I have sung a song called “不敢逢春 (Do Not Dare to Welcome Spring). I hope you all can support this drama as well. Even though it’s already finished airing- the membership period for it is already over- but you can watch this great drama in your free time. Okay? Please support it, friends! -- 不敢逢春 (Do Not Dare to Welcome Spring) [Kill Me Love Me OST]

C: Ning-ge, do you still owe OSTs? LYN: I owe two, and there’s one I haven’t decided whether I will take or not. They haven’t been recorded yet. Thanks for your support. C: Do you have more? LYN: Of course I do. That’s right. This song is from the drama Story of Pearl Girl, which also stars me. The OST is called 惟愿 (Wish). -- 惟愿 (Wish) [The Story of Pearl Girl OST] - C: Ning-ge, your dance at the press conference wasn’t half bad. LYN: /glares into the camera/ You don’t need to say it like that. - LYN: This song is from a drama airing on Youku. This is the ending theme from the amazing drama called ZLYM. It’s sung by a singer that I really like- Modern Brothers Liu Yuning. This drama is about a pearl harvester- /laughs at himself/ It’s too “official.”

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C: Ning-ge, is the ending a BE or HE? LYN: The ending… I think it’s fine if I tell you, because everyone already predicted this ending. The ending for ZLYM- for YZJ’s part- nearing the end he started to find the reason to keep existing in the world. He ends up finding something that made him truly happy. But in the end, he was taken away by aliens. The moment he found happiness, he was taken away by aliens. Which planet did they take him to? Maybe that will be revealed in the second part of ZLYM; it’ll be called The Story of Pearl Girl: Interstellar. It’ll tell the story of what happens to YZJ after the main storyline. It’s okay, because it’s an open ending. It’s not a sure thing where the aliens took and left him. It’s also possible that he was cremated. He was lit up, like a lighter. Or maybe they threw him to a different planet, full of Mr. Cockroaches. It’s a planet that gives him a headache because the planet is full of Mr. Cockroach. The story is about him fighting with these Cockroaches, I’m guessing. C: As long as you don’t die. LYN: I already said this before- the mortality rate of the characters I play has reached 80%. As long as LYN is in the role, the character’s mortality rate is already 80%. 10 characters, 8 have died. That’s just, inexplicably, how it is. No one else has reached this point, have they? Very few people can have this effect. The mortality rate of any character that I play is 80%.

C: Lao-da, you can watch an ad, then come back to life. LYN: /laughing/ Wow, that’s an idea. For example, a character I play dies near the ending. At this point a 30 second ad pops up on the platform. “Would you like to resurrect Ning Yuanzhou?” Use 30 seconds of your life to resurrect. That’s an interesting way to interact with viewers. You can resurrect protagonists. I’m sure this will be an expensive ad. This way, when you’re filming the drama you can shoot an alternate version where the protagonist isn’t dead. Another example! When you’re filming, you shoot two versions- one dead, and the other not dead. Then, when it gets to the last episode, a window will pop up. “If you would like to purchase an ending where the character is alive, please pay 6yuan.” So the people who want this character to be alive can pay to watch an ending where everyone is alive. There can be multiple endings to choose from: A) The leads are in love. B) The leads aren’t in love. C) People live. D) They’re all dead. If need to spend 6yuan to unlock each ending. The platform sure can make a lot of money, that way. 6yuan for a resurrection. Not bad. C: You’re a shrewd businessman. LYN: /YZJ voice/ Of course.

C: Spend money to determine life or death? LYN: Yes, because the audience is God, and God can decide whether you live or die. Right? Even for me- whether as an actor or before when I was a waiter in a restaurant or a salesperson in a clothing shop- this is a service industry. As an actor, you serve the audience, and serve the drama crew. In this case, we are also service workers. The consumers are God. You can spend 6yuan to determine if we live or die. Only 6yuan to hold the life of a character an actor has played in your hands. Is it worth it or not? C: 3yuan for half-dead but not alive. LYN: Do you think this is Haidilao?? There are large portions and half portions??? “Give me a half serving of duck blood!” Half-dead? What does that even mean?? Someone who’s catatonic? The person is lying there, alive but mentally dead. Half-dead. Can’t you just grab your roommate and pool your money to split the bill? You pay 3yuan and they pay 3yuan, and together you can eat a full meal! Honestly…

1:31:20 C: Ning-ge, quickly apply for a patent. LYN: What’s the point in that? I’m sure that a lot of platforms have thought of it. If I can think of it now, then platforms have thought of it ages ago. It’s just that if such a thing really was released… the platform might get cursed to death. Then that means my idea was a bad one. :( LYN: I can joke about it in my stream but I’m sure that if any platform out there really does implement such a thing they’d be cursed to death by the viewers. I’m saying it as a joke, friends. Please don’t take it seriously. Because- how can I put this? The platform wouldn’t need to use such measures anyway because doing so would affect their stock value. It’s not worth it. The money they make in stocks is probably higher then your 3-5 cents. LYN: But my Yan Business Empire WOULD use such a measure. The Liu Group Business Empire would. XD

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1:32:20 -- break #1 - /troubleshooting bc we can’t hear the audio from the video he’s playing as commercial break/ - /he CAN play Hardworking People, but it’s not the full version (and he needs more time than that)/ - /video editor OP has new works, but he hasn’t dl-ed them to this computer yet bc he just got back/

1:38:32 LYN: I’ve found out that there are some friends who have already predicted my prediction. Oh my goodness. You all are too amazing. Why don’t you go be a streamer and be done with it? I think you’re too amazing. You’ve already predicted what I was going to say! I JUST sat down and I saw a comment scroll past saying, “When Ning-ge comes back he’s definitely going to say, “The neighbors weren’t fighting, they were watching e7 of ZLYM.”” Amazing. Hey- why don’t I sign you as one of my artists? Your reaction-time is too fast! Episode 7 of ZLYM is YZJ’s first fight scene. I was already prepared to come back and tell you about it but you took my baggage and- what is it called? You didn’t spoil the joke… there’s this thing in crosstalk where members in the audience- “pao le”! Yes. You’ve “dug up the baggage”! Aiya. But, your reaction ability makes me really admire you. I’m impressed. Not bad.

1:39:50 C: Can you see me, Lao-da? LYN: I can see you all! Of course- yes, you’re a new fan. LYN: I want to take this time to thank all of my fans and friends. I’m really grateful for all of you. You’re there for all of my offline activities, program recordings, and such. When I was recording Hi6 for two days you were down there shouting and supporting me. I want to sincerely thank all of you. Thank you, and you’ve worked hard. I hope that you are happy, though. Okay? LYN: I know you’ve been helping me to fight against the haters and to promote the drama, and the very talented friends among you make video edits. When I see what you’re doing I feel touched and a little proud. I just want to say that you all are pretty talented! C: Ning-ge, I believe that good fortune will arrive. LYN: I-I’ll work hard, okay? I’ll do my best to work towards that goal. I don’t dare to acknowledge the fact, but I can work hard. People must have dreams. Maybe your dream, to others, can appear ridiculous or make people give you spurned looks and spit, but you just need to believe in and work hard towards your own dream and I’m sure you’ll find an answer.

1:42:45 LYN: See? I’ve just finished saying that and already there’s someone pushing me, asking if I’ve looked at any scripts recently. Um. Well… I haven’t. I already said- I’ve come back to being a singer. That means it’ll be hard on you for a while longer. LYN: The reason I’m not too anxious about it is because I still have three dramas that are waiting to air. Of course, if I come across a good one I will definitely accept it. Mainly it’s because I’ve been pretty active lately with business, variety show recordings, and some stage performances. I’m not in the mindset to sit down and look through scripts. And… I’ll look at them in a couple days. Don’t worry- I’ll give them a look. I’ll finish what I’ve got going on first, and will be busy for a while yet. Such as discussions for my concert, recording the OSTs that I owe, and… in any case I will be adjusting my own physical condition. 

C: How’s the second album coming along? LYN: The second album… I think it’s just short one song now. I’ve collected another one recently, so now I’m only short one. If I wanted to release it I could grab any song to add and release it. I do have some songs that I like, but the question now is if I really want to get this going right now or not. I CAN release the album, but I would need to form more concrete plans first.

1:44:53 C: I feel like you’re in a better condition now than when you were filming. LYN: Yes, because I got fatter after I came back. My skin and body are in a much better condition than when I was filming, because for the past four years I’ve been in Hengdian and haven’t left it. I think it’s okay, though. This year and last year the two guzhuang dramas for which I am the male lead have aired and they count as an acknowledgement of the past four years I’ve worked here. The reception for YNGS was good, and I think it broke 1m views, right? Actually, on iQIYI that’s hard to achieve. There aren’t many dramas in a year that can do that, if you think of how many drama that are released in a year. So YNGS already achieved great results. But I always see some inexplicable commentary. LYN: Of course, I can understand why people say this about the drama. People have said that “The ML in YNGS is too unfortunate (looking). I got halfway through and stopped watching.” And people were following along, saying “Yes! The people around me all said the same- they got halfway through and stopped watching because the ML was ugly.” I guess it’s my fault, otherwise YNGS would have surpassed 2m? Blame me. Think about it- so many people STOPPED watching and it already broke 1m. If the continued to watch, maybe it would have broken 2m. Right? Because about half of them stopped watching because of me, and I am one of the leads. I’m sorry- I was the block that kept YNGS from hitting 2m. Sorry, sorry.

LYN: And then, this year, the same words are flying around. I will never be free. There were comments saying that the ML is too ugly and that they won’t watch the drama. I opened up their Douban reviews, and attached was a really long image- someone sent it to me and told me, “Check this out, Ning-ge.” It was a really long image. They weren’t my anti, but an anti of one of the other actors in the drama- and they gave a one-star review to any actor that I’ve worked with. Meanwhile all the other actors received five stars. So- it’s an enemy of one of the people I’ve worked with, but the blame is all on me. [t/n: I’m confused] This person must have felt like a genius. Actually, I want to say that maybe you didn’t know who the protagonist was- you might not even know me. It’s also possible that it’s because I’m ugly. That’s entirely a possibility. But the problem is, there was no need to drag me into it! I was just here to blend in, you didn’t need to drag me in and use me as the weapon. I know I don’t look very alert, but there was seriously no need. If you’re so amazing, pick your fights one-on-one but don’t use me as a shield. You used a borrowed knife to kill! I’m too miserable! C: I’ll go kill them! LYN: No need!! Are you all crazy?? YZJ looks so mean but he hasn’t said anything about killing anyone. He’s only mean on the outside- on the surface level. But here it’s like there are a group of you gathering together and are ready to commit murder. 

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1:49:35 LYN: I want to thank all my good friends, my fans, and the people who are in the stream today, who are probably watchers of ZLYM. Many of you must be fans of other artists, or just passing by. I want to thank you for your support of ZLYM. I, Liu Yuning, will toast to you all. Cheers. C: Drain it. LYN: You people- Let me tell you, I really see all sorts of people in my streams. Have you ever met a person like this- for example: a groups of friends go out for drinks. “Come on, let’s drink!” Okay, drink. /sip/ “You- you didn’t drain your glass. What, are you raising fish? Drain it! Drink it all. If your feelings are deep, you’ll drink it in one shot. If your feelings are shallow, then one lick is all it takes. You’re a grown adult man, you should down it. Do it, do it!” “If you don’t drink, then you’re not giving me any face. Quickly, down it.” … Do you know anyone like that? I don’t know- I think they exist, because I’ve met them before. C: Acting as me? LYN: You’re THAT person?? It’s really annoying. C: Sounds like me. LYN: Oh, there are so many people who act like that? That tracks, because the stream's full of people who would kill an anti if they got the chance. LYN: Actually, friends, I am also this type of person. How else would I know how to act them so well? We’re the same type of person. I am not discriminating against you. Come then, friends. Let’s act that out again. LYN: A toast to all of you, and thank you for supporting ZLYM. I hope you can continue to watch until the day it finishes airing. Continue to support it, okay. Thank you. I’ll toast to you. /one shots it/ LYN: Drain your glass!! What are you doing, raising fish?!? Drink it, drink it! - LYN: ! (to Daimi) You gave me a fright, you. - /picks Daimi up, but she’s not in the mood for sitting/ - LYN: Down it, down it! What are you doing? /laughs/

1:48:45 C: How did English speaking go yesterday? LYN: I know I always brag in my streams that my English is so good, but when I actually need to use it I’m lost. I’m dumbfounded. The thing I’m most afraid of, you know- a normal person would be like this. For example. To my understanding, when a foreigner wants to communicate. First, they will say “Nice to meet you.” Then, of course I know how to say “Nice to meet you!” back. “Nice to meet you. Thank you, thank you.” But after two sentences, they think I KNOW English!! That’s a bug (glitch), friends!! “Nice to meet you.” “Yes, nice to meet you, too.” Then they will start- /”speaking English fluently”/ To which I- /can only smile and nod, laugh politely and say “yeah/of course/thank you/cheers” in response/. /sigh/ LYN: The most embarrassing thing is that you just finished saying, “Nice to meet you” and they start talking. After a while of talking, while they are awaiting your response, the person next to them (translator) says, “Oh, he can’t speak English.” And THEN, the person you were trying to talk to just goes, “Ah.” I’m sure they’re thinking, “If you didn’t know how to speak English, then why did you say “Nice to meet you”. I think you look like a mudfish (ni chou)!” LYN: But the good thing was that I could understand about half of it. Half-guessing and half-listening helped to me understand half of the conversation. I also watch foreign movies, and I’m the English class representative of Dandong Cooking Second Technical School, after all. You knew that. I went to study how to be a cook, but there are English classes.

C: You had such a history? LYN: ! A new friend. I caught you. I told you I was the English class rep of my cooking school, and someone asked, “You have such a history?” You’re either trying to flatter me, or you’re a new friend. Friends, let me tell you- you have to pay attention to the details. From this single point alone you can infer that I have new fans. Even if they’re not my fan, I still have a new friend in my orbit. They’re not my fan, but we’re still considered friends, right? Nodding your head at someone can mean that you’re friends, right? I will nod my head to you right now. /Nods/ That’s how you make friends. LYN: This means that the YZJ’s drama has attracted fans. :)! So for those of you who are acknowledging our friendship by nodding your head, if you have not subscribed to my weibo yet, please do so. I am Liu Yuning. I welcome you all.

LYN: Oh, my. You are quite educated. Someone used the term “as close as old friends.” C: I’m not a new fan anymore. LYN: That’s good, too! ~ Welcome new friends, without forgetting old friends. The road is easier to walk with more friends. At this moment, you all should be thinking of this song: -- (朋友 (Friends) - Zhou Huajian) - /someone hands him something/ LYN: Huh? Friends- Youku platform is too kind. I just said something that I need to apologize for- I was too narrow-minded. My bar was set too low. Friends, I want to cry. I made a joke earlier, asking why I had to buy SVIP membership to watch my own drama… /holding back his fake tears/ It’s like this- to the directors, first of all, I was joking when I commented on having to buy membership to watch my own drama. But they have gifted me with 1,001 SVIP cards. Friends, aren’t they so righteous? This means that I don’t need to spend money to watch any drama that airs on Youku in the future. Maybe I’ll save these cards, and for example in the future when I have a daughter, I’ll use it as her dowry. It’ll pass down from generation to generation. C: Ning-ge, can you give them to us? LYN: I can’t. Thank you, Youku. Thank you. C: Raffle them off. LYN: I won’t! Why should I?? I’m keeping them for myself! They sent me 1,001 SVIP cards, and I’m going to keep them for myself. Why should I give them to you? I won’t!  -- 朋友 (Friends) - Zhou Huajian LYN: Friends, sing along!! LYN: I was too short-sighted. I can’t believe they sent me 1,001 cards. But what if I turn around and start selling them? One card is 30yuan, then that means 1,001 cards is…. 31… 33,030yuan! [INCORRECT] C: That’s 1110, not 1001. [this woud be 33,300yuan, actually.] LYN: Oh, sorry. /thinking/ C: It’s 1101. // They charge by month. LYN: Oh, it’s by month?? Help me to calculate- how many years is 1101 months? Ten years? Nine? They’re using this as an opportunity to educate me. 9- 91 years?! C: 91.75 years. LYN: /lol” “.75”! They gave me 91years of membership??? HUH?! Wow, 91 years of membership. Oh my goodness, then that really IS going to be passed down through generations. I’ll need to give this to my children. LYN: They already put it in my account, so I don’t think I can give them to anyone. Sorry, friends. But what if I sell my account?! What if I sell my account, with the caveat that if my drama airs they have to go and leave comments. That way no one will found out that I’ve sold my account. I’ll sell the account to them for cheap, but every time a drama of mine comes out they have to go leave comments for my fans. LYN: That’s so dumb. I’m kidding! Thank you- thank you, Youku. I’ll strive to live until I’m 125 years ol; someone counted it for me and by then I’ll be 125. This account is going to be a target for hackers in the next 91 years… C: What’s the password. LYN: The password is yanzijing666. You can try it. LYN: ZLYM started ariring on Nov 1, so that’s meaningful. [t/n: not sure why he made that comment.]

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2:06:12 C: This is my first time seeing a ML play an erhu. LYN: ? I think that’s true. Usually it’s playing the dizi (flute) and playing the guqin. For the most part in guzhuang dramas it’s either dizi or xiao, the guqin. Erhu is pretty rare- not saying it’s never happened- it’s just rare to see, especially for the male lead. Other roles would play it, of course. But specifically the male lead, and not a supporting character or those fortune tellers by the side of the road. Think about it. C: Violin! LYN: I was talking about guzhuang dramas. Have you seen a violin in a guzhuang drama??! Why don’t you just get an electric guitar, then? We’ll do death metal. There’s no way.

C: Male God, how long have you been streaming for? LYN: She called me her “male god.” I don’t think I count as that, but maybe as a “male psycho.” How long have I been streaming for? Let me take a look. Two hours. It’s been two hours. Why? Where you looking for me for something?

1:08:07 LYN: The character of YZJ is quite… I’ve said this in an interview before, too. He’s special, and a character I enjoyed portraying. Maybe- not humbly speaking- I can see my improvement in acting through YZJ. Let me praise myself. I did improve. Because, honestly speaking, after I finished filming for YNGS I felt that I had made a breakthrough somewhere. I don’t know, but that’s how I felt. I’m not trying to say that my acting is amazing- I don’t act well. I’m still a very immature actor. I just want to share that even though I am immature, after YNGS I feel like I came to an understanding. I figured out how to handle acting, so I was able to experience/feel a lot more. After YNGS, I filmed another drama- you know (ZY). After going through that drama, I came into YZJ. Although he didn’t have any outstanding performance, I think it’s the smaller details that were more difficult to get a good grasp of. After watching my own performance, I want to say that I think that I have matured just a little bit. I’m happy for that, and I’ll keep working hard! LYN: Liu Yuning. I have high hopes for you. Jiayou. LYN: I saw a teacher comment on my performance, saying “You weren’t as natural as when acting in YNGS.” YNGS… (NYZ) was a different role entirely and the way I acted as him was different. The baggage they (Ning Yuanzhou vs Yan Zijing) each had to carry was different, so therefore their characters were different. Keep watching. One day, you’ll understand.

C: Who’s YZJ’s little sister? LYN: His sister? YZJ’s mom and dad had a little girl, and she is YZJ’s little sister. That’s how she came around. There’s nothing strange about it. His mom and dad had another kid, who is a girl and younger than him. So she is YZJ’s little sister. Yeah. C: Do you find her later? LYN: Didn’t you hear what ZJR said? “Sometimes you think the clue is lost, but the clue is right next to you.” When I was reading the script and saw this part I said, “Who’s YZJ’s little sister? Don’t tell me it’s Duanwu?!?” Because we’re seeing the same thing- I was reading the script and I saw that and was thinking “Is Duanwu his little sister?? How am I supposed to act from now on? Does this scriptwriter really want to play with this type of plotline? Is that okay?? Will it pass the censors?” XD - [t/n: Discussing the term used for when one sibling loves another, but idk what it is in English, let alone Chinese. There’s a nicer term than “incest”, I’m pretty sure.] LYN: In any case, I was thinking, “It can’t be HER, right?” - [t/n: honestly, I also had a split-second where I went there.] LYN: But you should keep watching… because it might really be her! I don’t know. Keep watching. You’ll get an answer to who YZJ’s little sister is.

LYN: Youku came to comment, “We must be generous to Mr. Yan. Come to ZLYM and watch Yan Zijing stir up the business world.” Our platform’s boss- I mean, leader- is here. I’m very thankful to Youku. Thank you, thank you. They left a message, did you see it? Why don’t you go start up a conversation with them? LYN: My fans are the best, in that they are thankful to whoever treats me well. 

C: YZJ’s little sister isn’t ZJR is it?!? LYN: /GASP!/ D-did you buy a copy of our script? I heard that our script can be bought online for 5yuan each issue. You’re not the consumer, are you? I heard the electronic copy is being sold at 5yuan each issue, but it used to be 10. Maybe the market wasn’t good enough, so it dropped to 5. In that copy you saw that… my sister is ZJR?! What did my sister go through to in Linglong Cave to turn into a boy?!? XD LYN: Oh- maybe it’s because our family- I am 1.90m tall. TXT is taller than I am. That’s fitting for my little sister. Usually the second child in a family is taller than the first. It’s true, then. He’s my sister. LYN: The friend who commented this is actually very right. Because not once in the drama does ZJR deny the fact that he is my sister. He didn’t deny it, which means that it’s true. LYN: This theory is… quite wonderful. You can use it for anyone. For example, you can say, “Liu Yuning, you’re an alien. Why? Because not once in your life have you ever denied the fact that you are.” Isn’t it strange?! It sounds strange, but also reasonable. 

C: Change the bgm. I want to listen to 惟愿 (Wish). LYN: Alright, as you wish.

C: So do you have a sister or not? LYN: I do. Yan (?) Ding said before he died, that my sister was still alive, right? So there must be a storyline in here in relation to that. I have lines referring to it as well. When the matters in Guangzhou are handled, I’ll be going to Shaozhou to find my sister. So, what’s next? Actually friends, Shijiu is my sister. I saw in the comments that someone had guessed so. I was watching the drama and reading the comments scroll by and someone commented, “Cui Shijiu isn’t his sister, is she?” Because the story that’s been revealed up to now is that the Cui family’s pearl farm used to be owned by the Yan family. They stole my family’s pearl farm, and took a child while they were at it. So Cui Ding must know who my sister is. It’s actually Cui Shijiu. It’s a possibility I also thought of when reading the script. The farm used to be the Yan family’s, and when the Cui family took it they also took the daughter. It’s reasonable. C: What “pig” farm? LYN: I can’t believe you wrote the “zhu” for “pig.” You OBVIOUSLY must not be watching the drama! We’ve been talking about it for a while now- ZLYM!! Friends- You know what, I am ashamed. Because- - /creates a banner that reads “Please watch ZLYM. Thank you~” and puts it up on screen/ LYN: - I should have put this up sooner. When the platform came by, I didn’t have this up. I should have had it there long ago. See? Friends- this space up here is advertising space, now. Today it’s been bought out by ZLYM. In the future, for my next stream, maybe ZLYM would have finished airing so our cooperation is over and this space will be free. Other drama crews could then purchase this ad space. 200 yuan/night. Unlimited scrolling. How about it? / But can the scrolling speed be a little faster?? Ok, I got it. I can just repeat the message a few times.

C: CSJ can’t be YZJ’s sister because her eyes are too big. LYN: !! Do you think you’re very funny? Do you think your comment is very amusing? She- can’t she take after our dad?!? It’s normal for the children of a family to look different, isn’t it? Especially with boys vs girls. For example, the boy looks like mother and the girl looks like father. Isn’t that normal? What’s the problem?? There is no problem. Why did you have to bring it up?! Why does it HAVE TO BE the eyes??? Don’t you know that my eyes are my bottom line and you’re not supposed to mention them???? You’re going to give me a breakdown. You think you’re so funny, huh? LYN: There are antis everywhere, and no matter what you do they’ll say, “Look, he cares so much.” Don’t even mention it! This is moral kidnapping. You stand on your high ground and kidnap others. For example, someone comes to curse at me, and I try to refute. They’ll say, “Aiyo~ You’re trying to explain? Look how much he cares about this. If he didn’t care, then he wouldn’t bother to correct people when they’re wrong.” >.< I hope you eventually meet a person like this in your work environment. LYN: No, no, don’t kill. No need for killing. Save me some face. C: I’ll go kill them. Leave it to me. LYN: It’s fine. It’s fine, really.

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2:24:54 -- break #2 LYN: Let me play a video for you, and I’ll come back later. I need to use the restroom- I drank too much water because I was toasting to you too much earlier. I'll come back and we can continue to chat for a bit. If you have any questions- if you’d like to interview me, for example they always gather questions from fans to ask me during interviews. You can just ask me directly. I’ll choose some questions and answer you directly, okay? We can interact. We’ll do an interview. If you have any questions, we can chat. You can also ask me questions about filming, and whatever else you’re curious about.

2:31:50 C: Lao-da, will you hold your concert in Singapore? LYN: Singapore… I won’t be going. It’s... overseas. I don’t have any plans for anything overseas at the moment. Because I’m not popular to that extent yet. I know I have an overseas fanbase; many of you told me about it last time. I have a lot of foreigner fans, for which I am happy for! But for now, I won’t be going overseas because I’m not that popular yet. I’m sure that if I did have a concert overseas people would come to watch. But it would also be a lot of you (in China) flying over to watch me (in another country). There’s no point in that. C: I was really happy to see you in Macau the other day. LYN: We’re friends, now. If we met once in Macau then we can be considered friends, right? If you met me once and we’re able to exchange words now, then we’re friends already. Please watch ZLYM, thank you.

2:33:45 C: Can you talk about NYZ? LYN: Of course I can. - C: The lyrics are gone. LYN: Ok. /brings them back/ - C: Does YNGS have a part 2? LYN: Yes, it does. It’s ghost story. If I’m in it, I’ll be acting as the ghost. A horror movie, a little thrilling. I have a lot of fans and friends who are girls- so maybe they would be less receptive to horror movies. Why would I say (that I’m a ghost)? Because at the end of YNGS, Ning Yuanzhou died… He was stabbed to death. So the next part would be a horror movie, set in the underworld. It’ll be set over by Fengdu County. (aka Fengdu Ghost City) It’ll be about people from Fengdu and the customs there. You can look out for it. It’ll be called “Er Nian Guan Shan.” C: I’ll watch an ad to revive him! LYN: /laughs/ Oh~ Right! That’s a good idea! If you want a second part to YNGS, you could do this- The start of the first episode of ENGS would be a viewer watching YNGS. Then, they’ll receive a pop-up that reads, “If you’d like to revive NYZ (and all the other heroes who have died), please pay 6yuan.” The viewer will pay and then ENGS will officially start. That’s a possibility. Watch an ad to revive the hero after 30 sec. It’ll give you double the gold coins too, right? Watch a 30-sec ad to revive NYZ, and right when that’s done another pop-up: watch 1-minute ad to double NYZ’s force value. C: I’ll pay 60yuan. LYN: Don’t do this.

C: I want to see the Six Paths Hall Prequel. - /misspelled a word to make it “Six Questions”, so LYN makes fun of them for a bit/ LYN: You must be preparing for the high school entrance exam, huh? Jiayou. Once you solve those “six questions”, you can revive NYZ.

C: What job did NYZ have when he was working in An County? LYN: Don’t ask! This is the only secret that he’s kept: what his job was when he was undercover in An County. You can think about it yourselves.

C: Does it take a long time to braid Yan Zijing’s hair? LYN: Not really. Actually YZJ’s hair/makeup was pretty quick. Because his braids- you girls must know of a thing called fake bangs, right? He has fake hair, like how you get extensions. He’ll braid the extensions and tie it to his real hair. 

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2:38:30 C: Trending topics #7. LYN: Is it positive? It’s not a bad topic, is it? C: #2. LYN: You can’t look in “My Topics”! It’s because you follow me, so you see that I am at #1. If you want to look accurately, you should- C: #1. LYN: #1?? Huh? #2 in Entertainment, but #1 on the Main list?? Don’t lie to me. Especially now, when my drama is airing- my mood is very fragile. I can very easily be pushed towards a mental breakdown. I’m very sensitive right now. Because when YNGS was airing I has hurt too much. So- I don’t want to experience that type of pain again. Let me take a look. LYN: I saw it. The topic is just “LYN wants to repost ZLS’s weibo (post).” /sigh/ That counts as a positive thing, right? It’s drama promotion.  LYN: I saw them- I have a team, and they send me screenshots, too.

C: Ning-ge, I started liking you because of YNGS. LYN: Thank you.

LYN: In in regard to the trending topic, I was not tricked. My fragile heart was saved. Thank you, to Weibo, for supporting me and my drama. Thank you to the team that works on the livestreams, as well. I had a small problem with my stream and they helped me to resolve it immediately. They taught me how to fix it, and I understood how. So “Thank you”, to them. Thanks for supporting us, and thank you for supporting me, Liu Yuning. Thank you.

2:43:00 C: Did Kang Ju teach YZJ all of his fight moves? LYN: The plot doesn’t give an explanation, but I don’t think he did. Because he grew up in a very- Since you’re on the seventh episode today, you know how YZJ fights. He grabs the arm and breaks it with a kick. Deadly and cruel. Including this- /gestures with an elbow/- almost like wrestling. So even though it doesn’t explicitly say how, from my understanding of YZJ- because his past hasn’t completely been revealed yet- but he grew up in an extremely harsh environment. He survived by crawling and fighting. All of his fighting skills are pretty much lethal. He’s not doing any of this for show; he fights to kill. Because in that kind of environment, any mistake can cost you your life. That’s my understanding. So as you can see from they way he fights in E7, he’s very cruel. He’s not the type who fights beautifully and looks like he’s flying. He’s going to immediately break something to make you quickly lose your fighting ability.

C: HE or BE? (happy ending or bad ending) LYN: Uhhh… /halfway towards Mongolian throat singing/ HE or BE? I can’t tell you. There’s no way I can spoil that for you. There’s the third possibility: it’s related to aliens. I’ve already told you- the ending is that he was taken away by aliens and went to another planet where there’s nothing but cockroaches. At the end it crosses over into a different, Three-Body (scifi) genre. C: Look up the ending to the original source and you’ll know. LYN: The original source of this original work has not been written to the end yet. This drama’s source material is only a preface, but not much story otherwise. This is an original script which borrows established backgrounds and characters, but the rest of it the scriptwriter wrote themselves. C: Aren’t you afraid I’d really believe it (about the aliens)? LYN: What do I have to be afraid of? The end is that he was taken away by aliens. That’s all there is to it.

- /promotes that ZYLM will air on three stations/platforms at once/ - /does the rounds thanking everyone for their support of his livestream and of the drama/

2:48:10 C: Will you work with Li Bofan again? LYN: He asked me the other day, “Ning-ge, what type of music do you like?” and I told him that as long as he wrote it and he thinks it’s good, I am okay with anything. I don’t have any fixed genre. I want him to write, and if there’s a song he likes that he think suits me, all he has to do is send it to me. 

C: Ning-ge, are there any parts in this drama where you have to show some skin? LYN: /sigh/ Uh… more or less. Because in guzhuang dramas the more the ML appears all arrogant and domineering in the first half, the more he’ll suffer in the second half. If he doesn’t suffer and stays arrogant until the ending, that’s a villain. How does one define “suffer”? Either shot with an arrow, stabbed with a knife, axe, hammer, a drop of blood on the head*. Anything is possible, you just have to suffer some injury. I don’t think the blood drop is possible though, because in that case you’d be turned to ashes immediately.** In any case, you’ll have to suffer some injury. [*t/n: I think he’s referring to a game or something, here.] LYN: You’ll see that a lot of dramas all do this- and I’m not saying that we don’t- the ML gets injured and the FL takes care of him. Think back on the recent guzhuang dramas you’ve watched lately- didn’t every one of them have this situation? Either it’s tending to the injury, feeding them the medicine , or bandaging a wound- there’s always such a scene in these dramas. Think about it- isn’t that the truth? You can say, “But Ning-ge, this drama that I’ve watched didn’t have such a scene!” and that’s okay- I’m sure there are some that don’t. But most of them do. LYN: This drama does have a scene where I am injured and the FL… didn’t care. In the end, the one by my side was Kang Ju. /laughs/ I’m kidding! You can watch what happens when the time comes. There will be a bit of injury. But even if I show some skin, there’s nothing to look at because I don’t have any sort of figure. I’m not like others with their well developed muscles, pecs, abs, and biceps/triceps. I don’t have that, so we’re not trying to “sell” you anything with my showing of flesh. It’s just a requirement of the plot. I can’t “sell” you any meat, anyway. I’m not worthy of selling any. I don’t have any muscles. 

C: If I spend money can I get a sneak peek? LYN: Peek at what, my showing of skin? What you mean is that if my gifting option were open, you would send a gift my way in expectation that I take my shirt off for you? You wish. That’s the first point. The second point is- you’d openly solicit a male actor?? If I were to report this to the police I could have you arrested. Your words were a bit too frivolous. You think you can buy me with money??

C: The 2ML showed his. LYN: What does what he does have to do with me?? If they want to show off, let them. Everyone has their own limits. Mine is to show as little skin as I can while shooting these dramas. Because it’s… embarrassing. I’m afraid to lose confidence because of it. My second limit is that if there are any scenes that require getting underwater, I’m not taking that drama, because I’m very afraid of water. LYN: When I first saw the ZLYM script, honestly I was a little afraid. Because the front part was all about pearl fishing. I was reading through the script and was dreading coming across “something happens to the FL while she’s in the water harvesting pearls and the ML has to jump in and save her” or “the ML falls into the water and bc the FL is a good swimmer, she goes to save him”. I was the most afraid of seeing such a scenario, because that would mean that I would be shooting a scene underwater. LYN: I’m afraid. Once I’m in the water, I can’t breathe. Or rather- the moment I’m in the water I WANT to take a breath. For example- if I’m on the shore and getting ready to go in. 3, 2, 1. /holds his breath, not going in the water/ I can hold my breathe above water for about a minute. But as soon as I’m in the water I can’t even hold it for ten seconds. I suspect that I was a fish in my past life. Once I’m in the water, I just want to breathe. I don’t know why. - /talks about how much he was practicing holding his breath for that one scene in Heroes, and he could hold it for a long time! But as soon as he was in the water he took a great big lungful of H2O./ LYN: I just starting breathing! Instinctively, I wanted to breathe (in the water)! Do you know how it feels to be underwater and breathe through your nose? It feels like you’re choking on it and the source of the water is through your nose (bc mouth is still closed). This is why Ning-ge has been a little slow these past two years. I used to have a quicker reaction time, but I’ve been slow because “my brain is filled with water.” [t/n: this is an insult people use when they want to ask why you’re an idiot.] It was filled with water. When I resurfaced it shot out my nose. After that scene, I don’t dare to take any more that involve water. I’m afraid of dying. Because I don’t know why it is, but as soon as I’m in the water, I want to take a breath.

C: Your brain was filled with water and it’s been a few years since then but it hasn’t dried? LYN: I don’t know if that’s how it works. You mean that it’s been three years since my brain was filled with water, so it should have dried up by now? It’s like this- I don’t know if you wear a watch? If you wear your watch in the shower, there’s going to be water vapor inside your watch. Water got inside it, and just letting it dry on its own is not going to fix it. The brain is the same- once water gets in, it won’t come out. Sometimes you think its dry but actually there’s still water in it. The brain is always going to be wet and damp. In Dandong, we have this saying to describe people who aren’t too bright- we say that their “heads (brains) are damp.” C: Use a hair dryer to blow dry your brain. // Take it out to sun-dry. LYN: You think I’m Sponge Bob? C: Throw your brain in a rice bucket. LYN: /laughs/ Oh yeah, they say if things get wet you can toss it into rice and it will absorb the water, right? That’s one way to do it. Tomorrow I’ll buy 400kg of rice, fill a tub with it, and sit inside. Other people take baths (in water) and I’ll take one in rice. That’ll do it.

2:58:55 C: People say that you have a specific horse that you use in Hengdian, is that true? LYN: No. I saw it- our platform went to Hengdian to conduct an interview and they went to the horse stables. They found the stable master and he said, “This horse, 123, is designated for use by LYN-laoshi.” That’s true. Whenever I’m in Hengdian I will always ride that horse. But there are a few horses to choose from, not only 123. 123 was used in several scenes, though. For the most recent SJYM, I think we used Lao Jia. Maybe it’s because the production always pairs me with a black horse, or a dark-colored one, so they’ll have me ride 123. At least with that horse… how should I put this? You can bribe it a little- bring it snacks everyday and at the very least it won’t kick you, right? LYN: At the very end of the interview- after hearing the last sentence my heart skipped a beat. The host had asked, “Among the actors you are familiar with, who do you think is better at controlling the horse?” The stable master said, “Oh, Liu Yuning has good control…” and I didn’t hear the rest. They mentioned me first. They said my equestrian skills are good. I was thinking, “You must be tricking me.” There’s that saying, isn’t there? “The stubborn of mouth will be beaten, a good swimmer can drown, and a horse-rider will fall to their death.” Of course, that’s not how the saying goes but the meaning still applies. LYN: Whenever I make it into a new crew, the director will usually ask, “Xiao Ning, can you ride a horse?” and I will reply, “I can’t. I KNOW HOW, but I’m not very good at it.” So I’m afraid that this interview will get out- I don’t dare to say that I know how to ride. The more confident you are- you know? (the more arrogant and prone to mistakes.) One must not be too confident. I keep telling myself that I have to treat horse-riding with the utmost of respect. I have to be respectful of the horse. Their height and weight are all greater than ours. In a natural environment your survival rate is not as high as that of a horse’s. So you have to be in awe of them, respect them, and treat them as a friend. C: You didn’t ride any less for having said you didn’t know how to ride, though? LYN: Well, if the production insists…

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3:01:55 -- Break #3 LYN: Watch a 30-sec commercial to revive me. C: You’ve made me cry miserably (by playing 别梦寒 for the break). LYN: You’re fine. 

LYN: Anyway, please support ZLYM. It’s currently being broadcast on Youku, and when I woke up this morning I received the good news that it’s broken 1m views. That’s great and I’m really happy. I hope you all continue to  watch and support the drama. I also saw- because I see very few comments on my stream- but apparently an actor from our crew, Zhu Rui, was here? I’m thankful for that, and she plays the role of Bai Niao, whom we will see later on. She’s another amazing actress, so you can check her out. I hear our drama is also Youku’s fastest to break 1m views, so I’d like to of course thank the viewers and our celebrity friends who ZLS lured in. Thank you for your support. I’d also like to thank the fans of these celebrity friends- Thank you very much. C: Reimburse the money used to pay for the membership. LYN: So you mean that if you’ve spent money to watch one of my dramas, I should reimburse you for that support? Should I also pay for the duck necks/tongues (snacks) that you’re eating while watching the drama, too? Should I prepare drinks (starts naming them), too? Would you like me to pay for those?? C: I want to drink Chunzhen. LYN: Oh, well that’s ok. Chunzhen works- you can support it more, if you’d like. When you’re watching the drama you can partake in some Chunzhen drinks and snacks. And if you’re up late watching dramas and your skin condition is not too great because of it, you can use our L’Oreal products- face masks, hydrating serums, and etc. Replenish and moisturize to make your skin look more beautiful and youthful. 

LYN: Today’s update has been up to- /counting/ episode 8, right? If I’m remembering correctly it should have aired up until the Treasure Hunt. It’s my first fight scene in the drama. C: Your brother is here. LYN: Oh? Kang Ju is here? Welcome! I also said this earlier, but the actor’s name is Yu Yonghai. He’s a very splendid actor who is very serious on set and works very hard during filming. It’s actually a lot harder on them (supporting actors) than most of the leads. LYN: Yes, he’s given me beads before, for my birthday.

3:11:30 C: Wow, you’re streaming. LYN: Yes, I have been for about three hours now… You’ve only just come now? What took you so long? LYN: If I don’t have anything big going on, and especially as my drama is airing, I’ll come to stream. While you’re watching the drama and you think something looks fun or if something comes to mind like “how was this part shot?” or “what were you thinking when you did this scene?”, you can come to my stream to share it with me and I’ll chat with you. Ning-ge will take you and reveal the secrets behind the whole film and television industry. No- that doesn’t seem like a good thing. (the way he said it) It sounds like I’m going to say something bad. /rephrases/ Ning-ge will take you and reveal the mysterious story behind the drama. 

3:12:35 C: I want to ask LYN, what part of the drama left you with the deepest impression? LYN: Your question is a lot like ones I get asked in interviews. “I think the scene that left me with the deepest impression was… There are quite a few. Because, how should I put this? There are several scenes to highlight that reflect the conflict and drama of the story. So for me, I… I’ve forgotten everything. Oh, of course, I can’t respond that way. I don’t remember.” C: !! LYN: No, don’t interrupt me!! What do you mean I can’t remember??? One of you hit the nail on the head, actually. “The scene that left the deepest impression on me was the very last scene, where YZJ boards the UFO. Every step he took was like a step on his own heart. Each step was heavy. When I stepped foot on that UFO- when that escalator descended- only an actor can understand that feeling. I don’t believe the audience would be able to understand was he was feeling in that moment. I hope that my expression can help everyone feel YZJ’s happiness, sorrow, and fear of the unknown.” You can check it out when the time comes. C: You saw the aliens? LYN: That’s right. With heavy steps I set foot on the spacecraft, and the alien who came to greet me cried. It was also deeply moved by my performance. I stepped with heavy feet and the actor who played as the alien cried with every step I took. Although they were wearing a little green alien costume, I could still feel their sadness. The tears flowed out from their feet. The alien cried.

C: How was the fire on the pearl farm shot? LYN: Do you mean the arrow shot from afar, or the fire on the inside? The indoor fire is just shot as it normally would be. The arrow was green screen. When I shot the arrow, it was at a green screen. The scene was created with special effects in post. That’s normal. You can’t REALLY build a building and burn it down in a fire. I gazed upon that green screen and felt a trace of hatred in my heart. C: Spoiler! LYN: What’s there to spoil?? Do you not normally watch xianxia? And even if you don’t, have you ever watched a spy movie or the like and there’s a gunfight? You don’t think they’d give real guns to these actors, do you? That’s all special effects; they have to be. Look at all those xianxia with immortals flying everywhere. Aren’t those all accomplished with large fans and wires? Do you think a push of the hand would create such a strong lift-off? That’s straight up a fan- /whoosh/. There are many scenes atop a mountain where a slight breeze gently makes the female actress’s hair float and look beautiful. The truth is that below the camera-line there’s a group of people each with a small 25yuan electric fan. You can buy them on Taobao. The rechargeable kind. Did you think they were really standing on the top of a mountain? What they’re actually standing on is what the professionals call a one-meter stand. It’s a stage that’s one-meter tall and the camera shoots upwards from below- because we can’t aim it at the ground, so we aim it at the sky. It only gets the actor’s face and chin, clothes and hair; and there are two small fans below, making the “wind”.

C: Did you laugh at all while “playing” the erhu? LYN: No, no bloopers because I am a professional. :) In the beginning though, I did. When I was first learning/playing- I laughed. Because I don’t know how to play, so the sound- /imitates the sound while maintaining a serene expression/. Even if /I/ were to be able to hold back my laughter, I don’t think anyone else on set could. There was another scene where I had to play the erhu while everyone else danced! 

C: Ning-ge, should I watch ZLYM or your stream? LYN: You can do whatever you want to do. ZLYM had already updated, so you can watch wherever you want- it will still be there. As for my stream, there’s the playback. So you can come back whenever you want to  watch it. Do you have difficulty making decisions? I do as well. So, you can play rock-paper-scissors with your left and right hands. /plays a match/ Ok- right hand won. I will watch LYN’s stream first. 

C: How are scenes in the sea shot? LYN: You mean in the beginning, when they’re on the sea floor? They build a water shed. Our crew spent a lot of money to build a water shed, and we shot in there. It was… quite expensive. Did you think we were really throwing people into the sea?? Why don’t you ask if the shark was real or not? This friend is very innocent. C: Did they really go into the water? LYN: Yes. You can tell when things are shot really in the water vs. when they’re not. - LYN: Actually, I’m grateful that friend didn’t ask if the shark was real. “If the shark was real, how was it trained to listen?” C: Is the shark real or fake. LYN: The shark was definitely real. We borrowed one from an aquarium. I told you earlier, didn’t I? Actors are disposable, just like the chopsticks you get with your takeout. When you buy takeout, don’t they ask if you want to pay 50cents for utensils? We actors are the same- 50cents and disposable. If the shark bites us to death you can just throw us away.  - C: Was the ship real? LYN: The ship was real, but we were shooting on land. All of the water was put in with green screen. There’s no way… no way they’ll drag us out to sea. Also, I don’t think the quality of this ship was suited to being on the water for very long, so it’d be dangerous. - C: Ning-ge, the shark was real? But I thought it looked so fake. LYN: /laughs/ No making fun of our special effects! What do you mean?? We were just talking about whether the shark was real or fake, and I told you it was real, so you’re going to ask me why it looks so fake??? For this things in the drama, you’re supposed to watch just to get the meaning. If you understand that the FL is in danger, then it’s done its job. When the shark appears, what is it to you whether it’s real or fake? The shark wasn’t there to let you see how exquisite our special effects are. We’re not filming Jurassic Park, here! This isn’t Jurassic World. Seeing the shark is to let you know that there’s a hidden danger. Is it really necessary to discuss whether the effects were good or not?? There’s no need, really. This isn’t a xianxia drama, where the special effects are to look cool or bring authenticity to the world. Nor is it a monster film. It’s just there to let you know that there are sharks in the water. Why are we taking this so seriously? There’s really no need. 

C: Are the pearls real? LYN: The pearls were all real. They’re from those oyster/clam opening videos you see online. A few of us actors stayed up one night to stream an oyster-opening video. After we opened all those shell we took the pearls from them to use as props. That’s what we did. The pearls were all real. 

C: Is the hair real? LYN: The hair…? Are you talking about my hair- YZJ’s? It depends on what angle you’re looking at it. From the crew’s perspective, it’s a wig and not my own hair. But from the wig’s perspective, it’s all real hair. You haven’t heard those vendors on the street when they pass by your house calling, “We accept hair! Accepting long hair!” You haven’t heard of that before? They go out to collect real human hair in order to make wigs. “We accept hair! Accepting long hair!” XD C: I haven’t heard of it. LYN: You must live in the city. Over in my hometown you hear it all the time. 

C: Liu Yuning, are you a real person? LYN: I already told you that I didn’t act in this drama at all. They just used AI to switch in my face later. 

C: Is the ending sweet? LYN: So sweet it’ll choke you. After you watch the ending you’ll gain 2lb. It’s that sweet. Even if you don’t eat anything- just by watching the ending alone- you’ll gain 2lb. The sugar intake will be too high. Be careful. I promise you it’ll be sweet. If it’s not sweet, I’ll give it to you for free. This melon is guaranteed to be sweet. If it’s not, I won’t take your money for it. C: I don’t like to eat sweet things. LYN: No way? I promise you it’s going to be sweet, but you don’t like sweet? C: If it’s not sweet, will you reimburse for my platform membership? LYN: I won’t be, no. LYN: You don’t like sweet? In that case, let me tell you- the ending is sour like an unripe pear. There’s all sorts of heartbreak and suffering. The ending will torment you to death. Really. Just wait for it. After you watch the ending, you’ll lost 2lb. Why? Because it’s so sad that you’ll keep crying, so much so that you’ll tremble and sweat. When all the water weight has left your body and you stand on the scale, you’d have lost 2lb. This is a weight-loss drama. You can weigh yourself before you watch the finale, then weight yourself after you’ve watched it. You will definitely lose 2lb. C: If I watch it twice, then will I lose 4lb? LYN: /laughs/ ?! Hey- that’s… you’re very smart. You say, “Lao-da, I want to lose weight.” I tell you, “Watch the drama, and you’ll lose weight.” Then you reply, “If I watch it ten times, will I lose 20lbs?” I don’t know if that’s possible, but you can try it. Watch it 60 times and lose 120lbs.

C: Were the scenes on the ship shot on a real ship? LYN: It was filmed on a real ship but it wasn’t in the water, but on land. Some of the cabins weren't on the ship- rather they were sheds build on land. It’s convenient to shoot things on a ship. 

C: Ning-ge, what meaning does the blood pearl have to you? LYN: The blood pearl, of course, is a very important thing. I can’t tell you, but later you can post on weibo: “Has anyone bought the script and can tell me? What does the blood pearl mean?”

C: Have you ever hit your head while filming? LYN: I often hit my head. That gave me the most headache. There were a couple times I hit my head pretty hard. There were additional three-four times I didn’t hit it that hard. The cabin was too low. I kept forgetting, so I would walk around and hit my head on the door frame all the time! After shooting a day in there my neck hurt SO MUCH. Because I didn’t dare to lift my head, I went around like this (neck extended low). Oh my goodness. I was hitting my head so much. Sometimes you just forget, turn your head, and bump into it. C: Why didn’t they make it higher? LYN: … “Why didn’t they build it higher”?? Go ask the director, why ask me??? I’m not the builder or artist, so I’m not there to build up the sets. Go ask them, how should I know?? I don’t know either. Why didn’t they make it higher? I also wonder. D: LYN: It’s not because we didn’t have enough money. Making it higher would only take a few extra pieces of wood. This height must have been specifically designed. It was the perfect height for me to stand up straight- with the exception of the door frames, which should be expected to be lower. So apart from the doors frames, you’ll notice that the roof is my exact height when standing up straight, save a couple inches. If I were to speculate on the director’s intention, he probably wanted to convey that: “YZJ is only an upright man when on his ship. But when he’s off the ship, he’s nothing.”  LYN: The early episodes are all mostly on the ship, because I don’t leave it much. I left it in the latest episodes to attend the Treasure Hunt. C: Did Zhang-langjun also hit his head? LYN: He definitely must have! I don’t know, though.

C: How can I get into YZJ’s company? LYN: We were thinking about this while filming- how should we be pronouncing “Yan Zijing”? Because at first we knew that the character for “yan” (4th) in surnames is pronounced with the 1st tone. Just like the “ning” in Liu Yuning changes tone when used as the surname “Ning”, as in Ning Yuanzhou. We were thinking about what to call this character, and I tried it both ways. Yan Zijing (4th tone) was smooth. But Yan Zijing (1st tone) didn’t seem as smooth. I don’t know if actually both work? But if using the surname, it should be 1st. // Using the first tone makes it sound like this kid’s been drowned. That’s what we were thinking while filming. Yan (1st tone) Zijing. :|? Doesn’t sound very manly. So when I was acting, I basically used the 4th tone. It sounded more impressive. But the problem is that later when I went to dub my parts the laoshi said I should change it back to the original tone. It just… doesn’t sound very impressive. 

C: Ning-ge, you’re trending at #5. LYN: Thank you, everyone. Thank you, weibo. - /promotes ZLYM again/

C: Ning-ge, in E8, what are YZJ’s feelings towards DW? LYN: Now you’ve come to ask about how my understanding of  the character? I have to answer these types of questions carefully. As an actor, you have to answer these questions carefully, because people with find a problem with whatever you say. I already saw someone a couple days ago trying to make people play to their tune. What did they say, “This ML is really dislikable. The first thing he does mistreat the FL. He doesn’t respect women.” Tsk. They’re clearly trying to stir things up. It’s BECAUSE I respect her, that I don’t treat her as a woman. Everyone on my boat is equal and punishment and reward is given fairly. If you do something wrong, you’ll be punished. But likewise if you do something right, I will definitely reward you. This is the company’s system. These are the rues of this world. You know?? LYN: Also, in the beginning I didn’t know the FL and I wasn’t close to her. YZJ’s personality was clear from the beginning. Zhang-langjun and I went to the pearl auction and I told him then, “You’re such a good person. You can meet anyone and want to help them.” Later there’s a scene of us playing chess and there was a critical line there, too. I said, “There are so many pitiable people in the word, but can you help them all?” These actually are proof of YZJ’s morals. He CAN be kind, but… has a very formal standard for evaluation. He’s not someone who would save or pity anyone. He’s not this type of character, but if you like this type then Zhang Jinran is your man. C: Kill them all. LYN: YZJ is a very sensible and clear-headed person.

3:37:40 LYN: Also, before the drama had even aired people were saying that in order to get revenge, YZJ shot DW through with an arrow and that his character was the worst, etc. That’s complete nonsense and the plot wasn’t even like that at all. But people will use these out-of-context in order to comment on my character, which I think is really unnecessary. So, friends, please don’t be led on by these kinds of things. LYN: No need to kill anyone over this. Spare their lives. No one has it easy.

C: Is the hairpin a token of love? LYN: I can tell you that it’s not.

C: Ning-ge, can you talk about the roles you’ve played in the past? LYN: I can, but I wouldn’t know what to say about them. // Or ZLYM? I can talk about them all. - C: Bai Choufei. LYN: Ok. BCF’s is a role I liked very much; he’s unrivaled. For that time. Every character will leave you with regrets, right? My regrets for him- honestly speaking, these are words from my heart- was that my own proficiency in acting wasn’t very high at that point in time. If we were to liken it to a skill chart, my strength was there but my performance was not. Acting requires the use of certain skills, and at that time I didn’t have those skills yet. I had used my intuition/real feelings in order to act as BCF. So when I was shooting for the drama I was often quite weary because I was too invested in the character. I used my heart to express the acting, but it’s an exhausting way of performing. Normally, one would be able to use skills to accomplish the same effect. That’s were my regret lies, with this character. If only my skills had been better- not saying that I am very highly skilled right now- just saying that if they had been better, the character would have been more richly interpreted. But I’m already very satisfied with it, because when I look back on past roles there are some things that I may not be able to ever reproduce. I was just too invested. - C: Hei Xiazi. LYN: Hei Xiazi… I really liked the character, and thought he was similar to me. He’s a little like how I am when I’m streaming. There’s a saying in this industry, “Acting well is not as good as looking alike.” I offered up a different topic, but this is what we say, on the inside. In a normal casting, acting well is not as good as fitting the look of the character. I may not be like Hei Xiazi, but there’s some part of my personality that matches and fits the character more. There’s a joking/teasing side, but when he needs to be serious he’s reliable. I was happy to have played him. LYN: Sometimes if you tell me that an actor played a role with a high-status, I don’t even believe it when I see it. With this type of person, it means that he doesn’t look the part- not to comment objectively on his acting or whether be is good-looking or not. That’s secondary. The thing is that when he’s standing there, he doesn’t LOOK like someone who would have a high status or be in a position of power. That’s really unbearable. It just… doesn’t fit. Other people can just stand there and already fit the look. You don’t have to act, because you ARE him. These types of people are more suited to the role. 

LYN: Sometimes if a character is similar to me in some aspect- personality or state of mind- I’ll try to express that similarity more clearly. This helps to make the character feel more alive. LYN: I don’t really want to talk to you about acting, because I’m not really worthy of doing so. I’m just a singer. If i say too much about it, people are going to think I’m putting on airs and “teaching” you about acting. I’m not. I’m just sharing how I approach and get into my roles. I won’t talk about it anymore, because it’ll look bad if I say too much. Because I… don’t understand it (wasn’t professionally taught). No more of this topic.

LYN: When actors are shooting, there are certain scenarios that are quite fun. There were a few dramas of mine where the actors were all very good, when we’re together. For example, in this scene there are 4-5 people. Normally when we get on set the director will tell us to do a run-through. We know what the scene is about, so we’ll start running it through. We start going through our lines, and at some point there’s space enough to make a change. But with one change something else has to change to accommodate. We’ll play off of each other so that the scene can play out with more life, to make the drama richer, more fun and more reasonable. Some dramas may only have two pages worth in writing, but if we think there’s something that’s excessive- once we are familiar with each other, there’s no need to say much- there’s no need for too much explanation, so we’ll decide to cut that part in the script out. Some dramas may only have a third of a page in writing, but we can turn it into ten minutes’ worth of time. It’s entertaining and emotional. When you meet such actors, shooting with them is an enjoyable experience. You’ll feel the creativity flowing in the environment. You’ll believe that you ARE your character, and the people around you are your friends and relatives. This is why I think acting is interesting- because I enjoy this process; I enjoy creating with everyone. Sometimes when we’re shooting with a partner, especially for one-to-one, with you sitting across from me and we’re having a conversation. You one line, then me one line. I especially like filming scenes like this. Because sitting across from the other actor lets me observe them and change my own rhythm of speech, performance method, and inner state to react in the best way. I feel it’s almost like an interview, like a conversation. I think it’s really interesting. As if I’m watching to see what move they’ll make so I make my move in turn. After I’ve made my move and they were able to counteract, I’ll need to think of my next play. It’s fun. I enjoy the process and it’s really satisfying.

LYN: Sometimes I’ll watch the dramas of other actors in my drama ad see how they act. If there’s good things to learn, I want to learn from them. If there are bad things or things that were different from how I was imagining, I will avoid and try to mask those shortcomings. That’s how I am- I’ll look at other people’s work, and that way I can learn from them. C: Ning-ge, you keep working with veteran actors. LYN: Of course, working with mature actors means that there is definitely something for me to learn. 

LYN: Okay. That’s about time, everyone. Thank you all for your support and companionship. Many of you probably started watching from the start and haven’t left, so thank you for your company and support. I hope you all can continue to support ZLYM. If I have time coming up I’ll come to chat with you. It makes me happy that we get to chat like this. Thanks for your support and company. It was great to have you and I hope you had fun. Let’s meet again in my next stream. Goodnight everyone!

[seenashwrite]

Nash Watches & Rates Cheesy Lifetime & Hallmark Original Christmas Movies, So You Don’t Have To (2018)

(a.k.a. -  Nash Records Her Viewings Of Lifetime & Hallmark Original Christmas Movies, which are fanfic in visual form & are gold)

ETA Jan 2019: This adventure is now moving to @seenashblog, so my SPN peeps can rest assured they’ll not be exposed to this any longer - I have a feeling I’ll not be done purging my soul for awhile yet #bless my heart

Last Addendum, I Swear

But I caught one this morning called “Home For Christmas Day” that sailed into a 5/5 with little effort. Here’s a mash-up of two “official” summaries I found, and that’s all I am giving you:

An Army widow worries about her teenage daughter when she meets a soldier from the town's military base & starts to spend time with him during the two weeks before he ships out. The mother wants to spare her daughter the pain of losing someone she loves in action, so she tries to get her daughter to break it off with the soldier before she becomes attached.  Little do they know they are about to learn important lessons of the heart and that taking chances can make this Christmas one they will cherish forever.

All 4 leads (mom, diner owner, daughter, soldier) are good actors (the daughter really impressed me), and they help overcome some dialogue that could’ve been less formulaic. A highlight is that Kristin Chenoweth’s “Home On Christmas Day”, a *phenomenal* song and one that has permanent residence on my holiday playlist, is featured and sung by a character who - wait for it - can actually sing and it was pleasant to hear, they kept it simple, and it’s the better for it. The movie could’ve gone Velveeta and shmoop and severe angst fast, but it didn’t. You’ll be torn on the ending, some of you wishing they’d gone the other direction. You’ll be sweetly tearful either way.

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So, the new official rec list for the ones that are worth your time?

(5 of 5) The Christmas Ornament (Kellie Martin, Cameron Mathison, Jewel Staite - Hallmark)

(5 of 5) Love At The Christmas Table (Danica McKellar, Lea Thompson - Lifetime)

(5 of 5) Home For Christmas Day (Catherine Bell, Victor Webster - Hallmark)

(4 of 5) Every Other Christmas (Schuyler Fisk, Dee Wallace - Lifetime)

(4 of 5) Operation Christmas (Tricia Helfer, Marc Blucas - Hallmark)

(4 of 5) A Very Nutty Christmas (Melissa Joan Hart, Barry Watson - Lifetime)

(4 of 5) Mingle All The Way (Jen Lilley, Brant Daugherty, Lindsay Wagner - Hallmark)

(4 of 5) A Princess for Christmas (Sam Heughan, Katie McGrath, Sir Roger Moore - Hallmark)

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And don’t forget: never, ever watch “My Christmas Love”.

Past entries below

Special (Royal) Addendum!

In a shocking turn of events, I’m about to recommend a [gulp] prince-and-princess-based plot Hallmark movie. I’m out-of-pocket a lot this week, but spotted this one randomly and needed to tell you about it, in case you had a chance to catch it. Because surprise, surprise - from some pretty impressive music for a TV movie, to some solid acting (even from the precocious children!), to a decent script, the most off-putting thing is the title. Possibly the best thing? It’s from 2011 but you may recognize the leading man:

So as a reminder, here’s my overall recommendation list for Christmas movies that are actually worth your time...

(5 of 5) The Christmas Ornament (Kellie Martin, Cameron Mathison, Jewel Staite - Hallmark)

(5 of 5) Love At The Christmas Table (Danica McKellar, Lea Thompson - Lifetime)

(4 of 5) Every Other Christmas (Schuyler Fisk, Dee Wallace - Lifetime)

(4 of 5) Operation Christmas (Tricia Helfer, Marc Blucas - Hallmark)

(4 of 5) A Very Nutty Christmas (Melissa Joan Hart, Barry Watson - Lifetime)

(4 of 5) Mingle All The Way (Jen Lilley, Brant Daugherty, Lindsay Wagner - Hallmark)

(4 of 5) A Princess for Christmas (Sam Heughan, Katie McGrath, Sir Roger Moore - Hallmark)

...and the newest addition is the one in question, I’ll give you the scoop.

Google tells me that this was marketed in the UK as “A Christmas Princess”, but I don’t find that any better - I hate movies that blow their wad in the title. Let us not forget the Hallmark rule (and I am certain by this point it IS a rule) that “Christmas” must be in the title. So why not just “Christmas at _ Manor”? That implies aristocracy of some sort, it’s just.... blaaaargh, this channel. Wait hey, look what google told me!

* I swear on my stories that I did NOT see that before I wrote this draft *

Interestingly the version that’s on You Tube is called the latter, so... ya got me. But legit, I am shocked that when you click the “info” on the TV, it says it’s only got 2 stars. It’s higher on IMdB. Probs high ratings, too. I’m not looking it up.

Right. So. Heughan is a *phenomenal* actor, there’s nothing more to say there, and McGrath is high above average for not just typical Hallmark fare, but TV in general. I knew I recognized her, and turns out she was in the short-lived TV series Dracula about 4 years ago (of which I watched the pilot and peaced out), and google tells me she plays Lena Luthor on Supergirl presently (which I don’t watch), but where my lightbulb went off was that she’s the chick who inexplicably got yanked away by a pterodactyl and eaten by the water dino in Jurassic World. She is a gorgeous woman whose hair is made to look atrocious and it’s Hallmark tradition, so nobody’s surprised. One thing is that you’re going to find that on occasion (and it’s few-and-far between) she over-enunciates some words and will rush random parts of sentences, and google tells me she’s Irish, so I get it. A word will sneak in once in a blue moon, but it’s not grating, not in the least, but it’s there. Anyway.

Roger Moore is solid, of course, and points to him for not slipping into Bond mode, and also for not playing it too gruff. The teen boy is a great actor as well - he can pull an angst face and verbalize frustration without it going petulant teen, which is so refreshing I cannot even. And the little girl has a slight Shirley Temple thing going on, holds her own with the adults. Thankfully the servants are all charming and several funny and endearing moments happen because of and with/about/surrounding them. (The narrator is the head butler, too - and fear not, it only happens at the top and at the finale, and are lovely bookends.)

Okay, the story: it kicks off with narration, and it is very well done and cheeky - “Once upon a time in a land called Buffalo there lived a girl names Jules...”  Jules --- ::sigh:: just call her Julie, ffs --- has gotten custody of her niece and nephew (about 6 and 14, respectively) after their parents (the Mom being Jules’ sister) died earlier that year. We find her in the midst of a shitstorm because she got fired from her job (and it’s a *very* cool job), the older kid shoplifted a game, and the girl drove away their babysitter with some pranks - she’s also apparently addicted to Doritos. Clearly they’re just processing, and high props to all involved for not taking it over the top. They’re just the right amount of troubled to where it’s not eyeroll-worthy on either the bratty end or the angsty end. She looks to be about 12 years older than the boy, so that’s another reason he’s probably not so with this arrangement, but she’s not harsh with him, she actually treats him like a person and tells him why his behavior is out-of-line and punishes appropriately, reminds him he’s not the only one who lost them, doesn’t go all authoritarian on him, another pleasant change in typical fare.

We find out that their dad was the son of a Duke of some wherever over in Jolly Ol’ - and THANK YOU SCREENWRITERS for keeping it simple and not making up some ridiculously-named kingdom tucked somewhere on the planet - but he gave up the title to marry a “commoner” and moved to America. Still, they get invited to the manor (”castle”? Didn’t look castle to me, but all right) and the brother of the Dad is Heughan’s character, Ashton, with whom Jules has some chemistry, yo. They get us there fast, about 12 minutes, and again against Hallmark type, those 12 weren’t crammed to the gills with backstory and prep work, because that stuff’s gonna unfold, we’ve got an hour twenty, we’re fine.

Heughan happens to technically be a prince (the faux land this must be for isn’t mentioned, again, bless you screenwriter) and it is easily explained without unneeded detail by saying “It’s through my mother’s side”. So I don’t know if that means the kids are lil’ princes and princesses because was Dad technically a prince? Or was he a half-brother? My point is, the Prince-Princess thing was unneeded - “A Duchess For Christmas” would’ve been fine, Hallmark. I promise. And maybe that’s what the writer intended, seeing as how his working script title had nothing about Princess in it. So it was a weird “Huh?” thing that happens a decent ways into the story, so it’s like....???? 

The rest of the movie goes how you think, but it’s got some genuinely charming moments, and it’s *entertaining*. See, Hallmark? You can take a basic storyline and not fill it with teenage-level angst, then dip it marzipan and roll it in sprinkles. Keep. It. Simple. Let the actors do their jobs. The hijinks aren’t over-the-top, the kids act and speak like actual kids - there’s actually a few lines out of Jules that I side-eyed more. Some of the music was too cutesy-quirky for my taste, but overall, like I said above, Night. And. Day. from the majority.  

The dress they put her in for the ball at the end is absolutely appropriate, it is lovely and isn’t overdone (hair, minus the clip in it, looks awful, of course) and - realistically! - it’s different from the other ladies’ without being drastically so. And also realistically, the crowd isn’t gawking because she’s now the best thing in the room, they’re gawking because a commoner is amongst them. 

Here’s why this gets a 4/5, and none of these are deal-breakers, but there’s just too many to justify a 5/5:

There is a dance scene that is embarrassing for everyone. But! I’ll be honest - their laughing looked real, I bet behind-the-scenes they’d gotten tickled at something, and Heughan throws all fucks out the window at one point, and bless him, because he saved it - the both of them had enough rhythm that it wasn’t altogether hide-your-eyes worthy; the better choice would’ve been to do the waltz he was teaching her to a more modern song, different tempo than the classic (I’m going blank on it, I feel like it’s the Blue Danube, but that’s irrelevant, anyway you’ll recognize it), throw in some relaxed improv steps. Snaps also to Heughan for faking playing violin well - and snaps to the director for some clever close ups that never quiiiiite give you a look at his (again, props - moving) fingers.

Second thing - the not-quite-climax set-up. I’ve not spoiled the others on the rec list, so I won’t spoil this one, either, but at about a half-hour til the end, the script goes with a trope and I just rolled my eyes. Granted, it didn’t go melodramatic and they saved it with a touch of a twist, and it is genuinely sweet. Still. Didn’t have to go the full distance, could’ve been taken care of while she was prepping to do what she did. I know that’s cryptic, you’ll get what I mean when you watch.

Third thing - the side-plot of the whoever-she-is Duchess or Lady something that expects Heughan’s character to marry her is WAAAAAAAY too much. And it’s the actress, it’s not the lines. Her choices of delivery are just bush league, even I know better and the only thing I’ve ever acted in is a third grade play. I was a Lucy VanPelt-type character (quelle surprise) and I kicked ass.

Other things: that whole “Huh? Prince, what?” stuff, and I could’ve done with a touch less shmoop ending, but the narration saved it.

Okay! There you go! A good princess movie! The rest are garbage. 

And never, ever watch “My Christmas Love”.

Love, Nash.

#11

This is it, folks, last entry. And by "folks" I mean the maybe three who are reading these, and thanks, hope you've enjoyed. But the ratio of work-to-response isn't motivating enough to continue, plus the season's about over,  and besides, this has covered in the ballpark of 20-ish movies. I think. I can't be bothered to count.  So here's the last speed run, I'll cover some more than others, and I'll also note one final time my Yes You Should Watch These 4-and-5 Star Rec List with any updates at the end, as well.  

You'll still get a post all its own (with screencaps to paint the full picture and an official, free link of where to watch) on the fanfic-y-est ickiest of all Christmas movies ever. It is too precious for words. I can't not write about it. And on top of that, I wrote an actual fic based on the same premise, because per usual  I have seen a travesty that had potential, worked it over, then said:

#humbly

And without further adieu: here's your speed round of the ones to avoid at all cost (the 1 and 2 stars) and a handful that were all right, I thought, but when it comes down to it are a matter of taste and you may love them (the 3 stars).  Oh, and spoilers in several places, because it's not going to matter because on tons of these you'll either (a) guess it yourself or (b) shouldn't waste your time.

I’m saving you, here.

Christmas in Angel Falls (Rachel Boston [a-gaaaaaaaain] - Hallmark)

"Guardian angel Gabby Messenger is sent to the town of Angel Falls to restore its Christmas spirit."

::sighs::

No. 

As predicted, it was pure schmaltz (my note actually says "suicide by schmaltz") and the usually charming Boston was annoying as hell.

1/5 stars . A Royal New Year's Eve (Jessy Schram - Hallmark)

This one was so grating. There's a prince, she's a fashion designer, it has a bit of a Cinderella undertone (if you watch it you'll see what I mean, there's some boss as pseudo-stepmother and friend as fairy godmother and dressmaking and hidden identity action sprinkled in) and know right now that the prince's accent is inexcusable, it is ear-burning. I looked the guy up because I had to know his nationality, to make sure that I wasn't off the beam and that this was just some weird subset of fill-in-the-bank accent to which I was unfamiliar, but nah, he's from goddamn Milwaukee. That a dialect coach or the director or SOMEBODY didn't speak up is embarrassing, I hope he realizes now and doesn't have this on his reel.  And as always, Jessy Schram is dialed to 11 on her typical coked-up mouse with flippy hair routine.

1/5 stars . Four Christmases and a Wedding (Nobody you'll know - Lifetime)

What? Huh? So the premise is he just keeps leaving for work and showing up again at the town Christmas festival with the shitty prom that happens afterward that they call a "ball" and I assure you it is not. They also kinda blew their wad in the title. Also-also, she's Perfect McBody but has had attached to her the trope of I LOVE FOOD GIVE ME ALL THE EATS which personally makes me sick.

1/5 stars . Christmas Everlasting (Tatyana Ali, Dennis Haysbert - Hallmark)

I mentioned this one in passing in an early entry, it's based on a book, so... not "original" totally. Here's why this one doesn't get onto the rec list - it's predictable. It's well-acted, but the story was weak, and I saw the "twist" coming a mile away, and granted - as stated prior somewhere in past entry - I happen to be bizarrely good at that, but I feel like you'd see it, too. Again, this could be the "fault" of the book, I don't know, I've never read it (it's called "The Other Sister", btw), I just judge the movie. Anyhow, it's the same ol' same ol' of big city gal comes home, dead family member (aforementioned sister - you know this immediately though, not a spoiler ), but rekindled lurve, and hey, she's gonna stay for good this time! Bonus appearance of Patti LaBelle, though, which is a bright spot. 

The thing that worked my nerves the most was that they inexplicably got actors to play the main folks in flashbacks to 10 years ago who look *nothing* like Ali and the lead male (whose name I unfortunately didn't note, but he was familiar to me), and I'm not just talking hair, that and clothes are what they're supposed to do for changes in time period, I'm talking distinct facial structure and skin tone and height. It was, on god, the most bizarre "young actor analog" (for lack of knowing another way of putting it) that I have ever seen on film in my life, I'm not exaggerating. The genuine, heartfelt acting of Ali and co. is what gets this bumped to a 3 vs. a 2, because I didn't think it was a *complete* waste of time, despite the meh story.

3/5 stars . Santa's Boots (Megan Hilty - Lifetime)

These are my notes verbatim:

--> family department store --> hot flannel Santa --> tree farm --> exec who comes home to save the family business and she's gonna stay 4eva! --> wtf do the boots have to do with anything, I don't.... --> 2/5 stars - 1 b/c hot flannel Santa - should be 1 star . A Christmas Arrangement (it doesn't matter - Hallmark)

Flower shop, check. "Arrangement", get it? ::sigh:: You'll just *love* the first ten minutes, where the lead says "no" and rebuffs and in general tries to get away from this dude about a zillion times. Byeeeeee! Nash will be out after the first 15 mins (I give these 15 mins before bailing), guaranteed. [time passes] I was right.  Angel Anna (a.k.a. the real Anael, thankyouverymuch) co-stars, and she's a better actress than the lead, who is absolutely grating in every way. Oh, and the font on the flower shop delivery van is Comic Sans. 

1/5 stars . Every Christmas Has A Story (Lori Laughlin, Colin Ferguson, and Willie Aames who, it should be noted, has not aged poorly nor has he had obvious plastic surgery yet at the same time looks nothing like himself so figure that one out - Hallmark)

This should've been called Christmas In Hollyvale (I *think* that was the town), but whatever, she's a reporter and he's her producer, so "story". Get it? GET IT?! Lori Laughlin does not age, and Colin Ferguson can pull a face and inject snark on Jensen-levels, and they have great chemistry, both are funny, and are great actors, then there's Doug ("The Crew") who is a delight. The hotel attendant is a bit annoying. The "mystery" she solves is meh. And though the overall premise is fine, the pacing is sloggy, but it's not necessarily a complete waste of your time because your two leads are such great actors.

3/5 stars . Now, here's one that's terrifically bad that I actually suggest you *might* want to watch because while it's not the jaw-dropping holy shit this is stupid ride that will be the final entry, this one's pretty fucking fan-fic-y and should give you some snickers:

A Cinderella Christmas (the chick from Once Upon A Time In Wonderland with lips that look so fake I hope they’re not real because otherwise bless her heart, Mindy Cohn, and doesn't matter - ION)

There is a get-together they have chosen to call a Chrismasquerade, and technically I don't think I have to say any more. But I will. Fuck, this is amazeballs stupid. Only redeeming thing? The always-delightful Mindy Cohn is in the fairy godmother role, I love her, and she has pinky-purple hair, and I always have/always will adore her sweet face and crinkled eyes smile.

Otherwise....

--> is shite music a pre-requisite for these movies?

--> our lead has *very* distinctive lips and her hair/eyes/lips combo look *nothing* like her cousin (the stepsister sub) even behind the half-face mask, so props to the casting department for whiffing the shit out of that

--> the dude is an incredible, unlikable asshat

--> "A Snow White Christmas" is premiering after this, and it's Sunday, and I'm going to host CASPN instead, but Imma go out on a limb and say it ain't worth your time, either

1/5 stars .

Get ready: shockingly for me, I'm about to give you a pair of 3-star trope-premised movies. I know, I know, unlike me. But these actually pulled it off. The trope?

*takes deep breath*

Pretend to by my boyfriend/girlfriend for my family . (1) A Holiday Engagement (Bonnie Summerville ???, and Jordan Bridges)

It's what you think, but not for terribly flaky reasons - she *was* engaged but the dick broke up with her at Thanksgiving. And in a pleasant change of pace, she doesn't get a friend-who-will-turn-to-more to play the part, she hires an actor. Smart girl. Bridges is another one of those random actors you see off-and-on who elevates everything he is in, and the chick is great, and the family is well cast, and the waiter at the restaurant made me laugh out loud. The whole thing is snappy in pace (lil' bit of filler, but that's par for the course with these movies) and has some snappy dialogue in places, and overall it's not a waste of time, not too shmoopy.

3/5 stars . (2) Mingle All The Way (Jen Lilley, Brant Daugherty, Lindsay Wagner - Hallmark)

Inventive concept here, though they kinda shit the bed with naming their business something affiliated with Christmas if it's clearly a year-round affair, but okay. What it is: a dating app that's not a dating app, it's purely for folks who need a +1 to specifically business/work social events, but also more formal family and friend events (so, say, Christmas party where it's not just family, or friend party that's not just show up in your jeans and sweaters - the cocktail stuff, is my point). The thing is, no one is pretending to be the boyfriend or girlfriend, it's supposed to be like "And this is Susie/Steve, an associate of mine from ____ business". Nothing romantic, no false pretenses, no lying to others (well... not supposed to wink-wink).

The chick - who runs the biz/came up with it/helped develop it - is needing to take on investors, and one of them is like "Sold! But can I get some firsthand testimonial? Have you yourself tested your product?" and since she's got shit coming up on her agenda, she does. Plus, her mom's on her ass about working so much and not dating since a bad breakup years ago, and it's compounded because baby sister just got engaged. (Mom is bionic woman Lindsay Wagner. She's not really bionic. Google it, youths.)

Dude is in a situation where he's not advancing at work because scuzzy kiss ass co-worker is shmoozing with boss during off hours because boss doesn't invite the single people to brunch or whatever with him and his wife, he's only inviting the ones who he knows has a partner to bring. I know to some of you this may sound absolutely ridiculous but, um, I've experienced this many times. This is not out of the realm. Not even a little bit. I had a gay boss who understood how this happens (likely because he experienced it) and he was wonderful about including everybody. Otherwise, yeah, I been there. I've digressed.

The leads have good chemistry, there was great snark and back-and-forth when they met each other a couple times prior to the set-up ('cause you guessed it: the app paired them with a high %age of compatibility - his sister suggested he do it after he heard about it on the news and he told her of his situation) and they click really well. There's touches of shmoop, of course, but this was an above-average story amongst the typical Christmas dreck, so it makes the rec list at 4/5 stars. 

Your rec list is now:

(5 of 5) The Christmas Ornament (Kellie Martin, Cameron Mathison, Jewel Staite - Hallmark)

(5 of 5) Love At The Christmas Table (Danica McKellar, Lea Thompson - Lifetime)

(4 of 5) Every Other Christmas (Schuyler Fisk, Dee Wallace - Lifetime)

(4 of 5) Operation Christmas (Tricia Helfer, Marc Blucas - Hallmark)

(4 of 5) A Very Nutty Christmas (Melissa Joan Hart, Barry Watson - Lifetime)

(4 of 5) Mingle All The Way (Jen Lilley, Brant Daugherty, Lindsay Wagner - Hallmark)

That's all, kiddos! See you next time for the worst of the worst, complete with screencaps. You will *not* be disappointed.

#10

Okay, if I'm gonna get to the fanfic-y-est of all the Christmas movies - and it will easily take up an entire post -  we gotta tear through a bunch because the season's almost over and you're not gonna have time to avoid/find these, depending. So we'll hit a high point first (because I've added to the 4-to-5 stars you-should-actually-watch-these rec list), and tear through a bag of mixed nuts, including the third David Haydn-Jones... treat... nah, this third one is the best (?) so far... though, um, that ain't saying much. Woof. Yeesh.

As a reminder - 3/5 means they aren't exactly a waste of time, 2/5 are debatable/up to personal taste,  and of course 1/5 means I will never get that time back and I'm that much closer to death because of the movie and what it drained from my soul.

Let's kick off with one that may be my favorite, and got a 5/5 score, update the ol' You Should Definitely Watch This rec list...

.

Love At The Christmas Table 

(Danica McKellar, Lea Thompson, the guy who played Luke on Gilmore Girls, several character actors you'll recognize, and the lead dude is familiar too though his name doesn't ring bells - Lifetime)

Look, from what I can recall, ol' Danica was fine in "Wonder Years", but as I mentioned in a past post, something has happened over the years and girl can't act. It's distractingly bad, because she's typically paired with heavy-hitters (even if they aren't well known). So I'm not sure if it's that she and the lead male really clicked or she really clicked with the director, but it was night and day. This movie is also from 2012, so maybe it's just been tough going acting-wise since then. In any event, don't let any other of my other reviews of her dissuade.

But the script and the direction are both *fantastic*, and I suspect it's partly because the concept was kept nice and basic: A man realizes that his best friend since childhood is the one. Boom. Lots of room to get some good character development and plot progression, and they did, since it's not bogged down with a bunch of extraneous stuff.

There is so much delight packed into the first half hour, you will be grinning. The execution of it is nicely done, too - as we go through the years, each Christmas is prefaced by "Age ___" to let you know how much time has passed, and they look subtly different in appearance and attitude each time. The parents are phenomenal, you're going to enjoy each one of them. The interactions between all parties feel real. And more on feels, this almost feels like a play - it takes place in a house for like, 90% of the movie. But every set is very cozy and crowded with things and/or people (in a good way), and nothing seems like it was perfectly placed, it's how these locations would actually realistically look.

The worst thing I can say about this movie is that I really wish the two leads were other people. They had fantastic friend chemistry, but I tell ya, not a ton of spark when it started bending romantic. And there are plenty of actors who look younger than their age, and maybe that's what this needed, more mature actors who could realistically be shown as teens with some sweet hair/make-up magic. Or, again, could be Danica. I don't know. But she comes across *legions* more relaxed in front of the camera here than in others I've seen her in, so that little bump in road aside (and truly, it's not intolerable - it's noticeable, that possibly poor casting of them, but it's not going to pull you out of the story).

You're going to love the last fifteen minutes, what she does for her dad, how he's walking and talking with his parents when she sees what----- I can't say it. I *genuinely* do not want to spoil this for you. And then the very-very ending is *chef's kiss*.

I want you to watch this movie, especially you who are fans of friends-to-more. Because, I mean, there's a STORY, thank you lord. It's not regurgitated same-ol', same-ol'. This is a really great character-driven piece, and honestly? I wish it had gotten optioned to be on the big screen. I think it could've really been included with other heart-grabbing, fan-favorite romantic Christmas movies.

5/5 stars

The (now newly) updated rec list of well-worth-your-timers:

(5 of 5) The Christmas Ornament (Kellie Martin, Cameron Mathison, Jewel Staite - Hallmark) (5 of 5) Love At The Christmas Table (Danica McKellar, Lea Thompson - Lifetime) (4 of 5) Every Other Christmas (Schuyler Fisk, Dee Wallace - Lifetime) (4 of 5) Operation Christmas (Tricia Helfer, Marc Blucas - Hallmark) (4 of 5) A Very Nutty Christmas (Melissa Joan Hart, Barry Watson - Lifetime)

.

Christmas At The Palace (Not a person you'll have ever seen or heard of, ever - Hallmark)

I've regrettably watched "Christmas At The Palace" once through completely, and three times caught blocks of it because I basically leave these channels on all day, then when I pass by the remote, I'll flip through the main four giving us "originals" (Hallmark, Hallmark Movies & Mysteries, Lifetime, and the JV team over on ION), and that's that. This one has clearly been on *constantly*. And it sucks. Not one person - I'm not exaggerating - not *one* *person* in this movie can act. If you've ever imagined yourself in a movie or TV show and thought it impossible? Please let this movie give you hope. You can do it. Someone hired these people, they'll hire you.

Gives me hope writing wise, as well. What a septic tank of a script. Check it: once again we find ourselves in a royal circumstance where the prince is widowed or needs to get married because of blah-blah-law-queen -and-king -insist, who cares. This time though, he gets his Christmas boner --- I MEAN --- spirit via a former almost not quite professional ice skater. Seriously, they make a point to say she didn't make the Olympic team and isn't on the pro circuit, she choreographs for this travelling show thing. I mean characters with flaws, sure, but they shit on her in the first fifteen minutes. The whole movie in its entirety is embarrassing to watch. There is minor redemption in the (standard) best friends (one for each of the leads). They are.... tolerable. That's it, I almost said "okay", but I can't because they're so grating in most of their scenes.

And the two main gals? The lead and the best friend? Won't. Quit. Fucking. Smiling. I'm not exaggerating this - they are smiling easily 90% of the time. It is incredibly irritating. And there is zeeeeeeero chemistry between the prince and the ice skater.

Skip it. I can find something that's garbage enjoyable  in a So Bad It's Entertaining way, but this one is absolute stank garbage, and they are pimping it like it's the second coming.

1/5 stars

. Christmas In Tennessee (Rachel Boston [again], Andrew Walker, some kid with really jacked teeth, Caroline Rhea, and Patricia Richardson - Lifetime)

Aw, shit. Here we go. After the Graceland one with Kellie Pickler (which you'll not see me report on here because I couldn't sit still long enough to watch it because she can sing, but she sure as shit can't act) my hopes are not high, though they *were* renewed to a great degree with "Every Other Christmas", which if you'll recall is on my rec list for you.

Bakery. Christmas pageant. Real-estate suits coming after the teensy town to build a ski resort. One of them is cute man. She is cute baker. She is also a single mom. And there's a mysterious sweet woman "Mrs. C" who *loves* the cookies - and so did her husband "Kris" [wink-wink]

:: sighs ::

At least nobody's trying and failing to fake a Southern accent, god and small favors and all that.

Listen, all I want is for there to be some originality. That's it. I'm not looking for perfection, I mean, that's subjective, after all. (Well.) Just fucking... I mean, look: don't make her a single mom, to start. Don't make her a baker, second.  Keep your ski lodge in small town thing, fine, that's the conflict between them. But hey, what if she's the mayor? Have a Leslie Knope, politics-oriented, civil-service type as the lead character. Somebody who can go toe-to-toe and not have to sugar-sweet-charm her way around shit.

In any event, good acting from the leads, Caroline Rhea and Patricia Richardson are always good in everything, and there's some nice snappy dialogue. It's not too terribly saccharine. Fuck, fine, I'll stick it on the not a waste of time list it unless something goes way haywire. [time passes] Okay. I has a lil' smile on my face. It actually didn't typical too-too hard. The lead actors were great, everything seemed easy and casual between them. Too bad the plot was weak. Still though, didn't leave me feeling it was a total waste of time.

3/5 stars .

~ Let's do an Alicia Witt Trifecta! ~

. Christmas at Cartwright's (Alicia Witt - Hallmark)

"Nicky is a single mother, unemployed and broke at Christmas and desperate to find a job in order to make her young daughter's holiday a happy one. With the aid of an angel, she gets a job as a department store Santa." - It is pure cheese. Alicia Witt should stick with drama, hundred percent, it is astounding how pedestrian her acting skills become when she has to get sweet/touching/emotional in the absence of any heart-grabbing stakes (think Lily Sunder). So anyhow, this is some piss-poor amalgam of Miracle on 34th and It's A Wonderful Life, but I'm giving an extra star because kudos for making the chick the Santa. 

2/5 stars . Christmas on Honeysuckle Lane (Alicia Witt, Colin Ferguson, Laura Leighton - Hallmark)

This almost got off the naughty list purely because Colin Ferguson is a fucking delight in everything he's in, he's one of those "elevators" as I call them - Mark Sheppard is another good example - because they elevate anything they're in, however shlocky, and if it's actually good, they help make it even better. This, according to my notes, is "exposition dumps coated in cheese", and it's that ol' chestnut of the saving the family home and oh noes dead parents and big city gal back in town and wow she's gonna stay! You've seen many iterations of this movie, don't bother. The house is fabulous, though, I'd live in it in a hot second. 

2/5 stars (and that 2nd star is only for Ferguson - as stated before, Witt should stick to drama vs. awwww stuff)

. A Very Merry Mix-Up (Alicia Witt - Hallmark)

Once again, please welcome Alicia, this time en route to meet her future in-laws as a surprise to announce the engagement (well, and that he's been dating someone at all - he's a work-a-holic who never gets home much - matter of fact, he's stuck finishing up a deal and has to meet her there vs. ride together) and "through a serendipitous series of events" has to ride along with a dude who turns out to be her future bro-in-law, who proceeds to wreck her phone with a drink, and then wreck the car because he's distracted. The MD at the hospital tells them not to sleep for the next 24 hours and that they need constant monitoring.

(Couple things while I have you: The former is an old wives' tale, and as for the latter, if they need constant monitoring, they wouldn't be discharged, they'd be admitted for, you know, monitoring. Jeez this part was so stupid. It was so they could slumber party and bond. Because there was no other way to accomplish bonding than via stupid car wreck and representing med professionals as stupid. ::sighs::)

You know, this would be a great movie if the plot was that she was a con artist. It's not. But wouldn't that be great? And the romance comes in when she has a change of heart because shmoop-shmoop-shmoop first family Christmas she's ever experienced? WHY AM I NOT A SCREENWRITER HOW DO I SUBMIT THINGS TO PEOPLE

Anyway, we find out fiance is scum, and later we see that his family is stiff and cold and miserable and a bit *too* much of a contrast to the other family. There's a cookie baking scene, check. The leads have pretty good chemistry, though. But oh, quelle horror! Name mix-up! Wrong family! Oh noes! Anyway there's a thing with a story about grandparents and a clock that's legit creative and sweet... but at the very end, I don't get why t.f. he didn't put the ring they found on her finger.  This movie isn't a complete waste of time, there's just some choices in there that they whiffed that could've made it something special.  

3/5 stars

. Hey! Let's do another like that - but oh boy does this one take a turn.

Dashing Through The Snow (Meghan Ory, Andrew Walker)

You'll recognize Walker from the Tennessee movie with Rachel Boston, he's the one with the cheekbones you could cut diamonds on (no seriously, it's just skin on skull, it's mesmerizing) and you know Ory from lots of other stuff. Be warned: she is annoying as all-get-out in this movie, and it's tolerable, but it spikes every now and again into the I Want To Shake You territory.

This one is bugfuck bananas, and I am here for it.

So it's a eye-roll premise, she gets stuck when her flight reservation gets screwed and then there's no rentals so she and this guy who are going in the same direction agree to share a rental. 

Here's the thing: she's gonna work your nerves, I'll tell you up front. She's this whimsical perky but anal retentive ball of AAAAHHHHHH!!! SHUT UP!!!! that made me quit watching this movie the first time. I went back to it when it re-ran for one reason, and one reason only, and it is this:

After she makes a fuss at the counter to the attendant at the airport about her reservation being fucked up, when attendant is on the phone, she sneaks through to get to the other side (because, y'know - this is the Get On Plane side, over yonder is the Get Off Plane Side where it's easier to get to rental car vs. walking across the airport), and we learn that attendant wouldn't let her board and lied about the whatever was wrong and is on phone because homeland security or feds or whatever are there because some chick with her same name is an international criminal.

Phew! Out of breath.

Now, you have to overlook the fact of why would an international criminal who knows how to evade authorities all the sudden (a) use her real name and (b) make a fuss/a scene and (c) get herself caught all over cameras so that the authorities now know what she looks like for the first time in years. I'm warning you now. I know. I *know*. It's a piss-poor way of going about this, even though it does get explained in, like, the last 40 minutes and with a "Really?" sort of reasoning. But, interesting and unique plot, so I'll take it. There’s also a wonderfully cute puppy who lights up the screen, totes steals the show.

So, there's a "twist" that I didn't find to be twisty, I called it the moment ___ interact early on, but that's okay, I can let that go, I guess the endings of easily 95% of movies I watch (blessing/curse). But - AGAIN! - interesting and unique plot, so I'll take it. Only reason it didn't make a 3 is how annoying Ory's character is, and how stupidly they portray the FBI, with not listening to their top agent when he says "We're wrong - she had her identity stolen - call off the op." It’s not a “1″ but it may be a “3″ for you, you’ll have to make the call. But for me.... 

2/5 stars

. Hope at Christmas (The lead chick is familiar, her name is Scottie Thompson - Hallmark)

Single mom! Precocious daughter! Returns home to deal with dead grammy's house! Meet cute in bookstore! Mom not terribly into Christmas because kid will be with her dad! She slowly gets back into it! Plans on going back to big city! Ends up staying! Because lurve!

None of the acting was bad (I mean, the little girl is annoying after awhile), but as noted, the story is the same as most others. You make the call, folks. And you'll be able to, I've caught it airing after my initial viewing no less than four or five times, no joke.

2/5 stars . The Sweetest Christmas (Lacy Chabert - Hallmark)

This is about a gingerbread contest. It is boring as fuck. Skip anything involving Lacey Chabert, trust me, this is the only one I managed to make it all the way through, and believe me when I say it was touch-and-go, I had to make myself in order to give her a fair shake. I've never thought she could act, though, to me her voice is less delicate and more whiny, and besides, she's Poor Man's Jennifer Love Hewitt #sorry not sorry  

1/5 stars . Just In Time For Christmas (Doesn't matter, though William Shatner does show up driving a horse-drawn carriage - Lifetime)

Meet Lindsay, a young - too young to be up for tenure, bee-tee-dubs - psychology professor has to choose between a book deal and tenure track at a prestigious university versus accepting the marriage proposal from her longtime, totally adores, really loves him (they are VERY pointed about establishing this) boyfriend. But hey, screenwriters, got a thought, and hear me out: why not both? But I get it, since this movie is from 1975, oh shit sorry, 2015. Yeah, no. Pass.

1/5 stars

. And finally, DHJ.  This is gonna be short and sweet, because on the whole, it blew. But I'll tell you when/where you can watch the fourth, since I won't be covering it and it's gonna come on at an ungodly hour and I likely won't watch it. It sounds like ass.

A Bramble House Christmas (David Haydn-Jones, Autumn Reeser - Hallmark)

The premise is he's a children's book illustrator who comes to this little town under the guise of getting inspo for his next book, but really he's supposed to be confronting the nurse's aid to whom his now-deceased (and estranged) father left a shitton of cash, giving her an injunction (to the will) on behalf of himself and his sister.

But then, lurve. :::sigh:::

Understand up front that this is an hour's worth of "movie" that was stretched into 2 hours, man oh MAN did it drag. And there's all the typical: ice skating where one person sucks; cookie baking; tree decorating (with garish, not subtly-done product placement); also tree in the town square that is visited and "oooh"-ed upon; and precocious child with some oh-noes-sick-kid frosting on top. It is dreck. The premise, sure, okay, that's decently original, but the rest of the story is basic bitch in a bow.

At fifteen til quittin' time, it got straight dumb. She rushes off after she finds out the truth - on Christmas Farging Eve - packing up her and the kid and saying they're off to the airport. How? What? You got no ticket, bitch, where the fuck do you think you're going? Ugh. Idiotic.

One thing, though: if you can get to this in a manner that you can skip to about the 45 minute mark, do it. There is a *moment*. The way DHJ can pull an old Hollywood leading man *look* that says "My dear, I want to kiss you, and well" is a sight to behold.

2/5 stars (one of which is automatic, because DHJ elevates everything he’s in) . You can see the fourth DHJ movie - A Cookie Cutter Christmas - on Hallmark at 1 a.m. CST on Saturday the 22nd of December.

One last entry (#11, tomorrow or Sunday) then a #12 all its own for the pièce de résistance. I'm not overselling it. It is deliciously ridiculous.

#9

Candace Cameron Collection check-in: "Switched For Christmas" is absolute nutterbutters. It is ridiculous and it knows it, so it goes full throttle. I am really impressed with her acting, doing the identical twin thing must be a bitch and a half to film, and she pulls it off. The split screens are well done, too, and not just for TV movie, I mean it's good-good. I'm telling you nothing about the plot. It's sugary sweet, you'll get cavities, and it's not my jam but I couldn't turn it off so that means.... something, I don't know. There was no wine involved, I swear. It's on Lifetime.

But nevermind all that: I know I promised the fanfic movie to end all fanfic movies, but I'd forgotten I promised *before* that to talk about the next David Haydn-Jones feature.

So, last night (read: early this morning, and as of this writing so it may not have been last night at the time you read this) when insomnia struck (read: woke me out of a dead sleep to say HEY IT'S 2 A.M. AND SHIT'S KICKING OFF ON HALLMARK),  I groggily turned on the TV at about 15 after, and to what my wondering eyes did appear?

Hoo-boy. The look on his face says it all. 

Now, as you know, initially DHJ tried to dodge my investigation. It did not work. And I found him trapped between an over-the-cute-line-into-annoying cotton-topped child and Winnie Cooper in "My Christmas Dream" (Hallmark).

And sweet babby jeebus, did he carry this movie.

I like Danica McKellar in real life - not from having met her or something, I mean because she's a giant ol' nerd, she's a mathematical genius, legit (look it up, I can't do everything, I'm shouldering these movies, my brain can't handle it) and she *sparkles* in interviews. Having said that, she's got Claire Novak Syndrome. Put the actress who plays Claire (I can never remember her name, I've no idea why) in front of a camera and it's all dolly dead-eyes, one trick pony angst... and in everything I've seen her in, I've talked about it before, I won't rehash. Danica’s opposite in that she’s ooooooooverdoing everything. I would actually take some flatness. But it’s still Claire Novak syndrome because something fucking happens when the camera starts rolling and it goes unnatural and awkward to watch. Dunno what it’s about. Who cares, not why we’re here.

Anyway, I am only touching on this movie for DHJ purposes, otherwise I wouldn't bother, it’s not worth the time to watch or tell you about, truly. It’s not the worst, but even he seems to be phoning it in for the most part. So. She's a department store exec and he's an artist that's been doing handyman work, they hook up when his *incredibly* annoying child somehow gets to the store on his own to ask if his dad can work there, she gets him home, her car battery's dead, flirting ensues, blah blah biscuits, stir and bake til crispy, and it'll still be sloggy goo in the middle. It's just straight dumb. Don't waste your time. They have negative-integer chemistry, it's pretty embarrassing to watch, honestly.

1 out of 5 stars, and that 1 is all for DHJ.

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That was short, let's pop off a couple more:

Marry Me At Christmas (I didn't note the network or the "stars")

Horrid hair gal meets sentient Ken doll-Archie Andrews hybrid whilst planning his sister's wedding on the fly. Small charming town. He's big city, Hollywood, specifically. Yes, it's the prince and the commoner tale but instead of a prince he's a movie star. Cue the blecccchh. As it's called Marry Me At Christmas, they kinda blew their wad in the title, the sister's wedding goes through as planned, so no drama ahead there.

I really can't say enough about how badly they did her hair. She's got super-curly hair naturally, and I'm not a hairdresser and even *I* know the answer isn't Weigh It Down With Product And Hard, Then Don't Even Finger-Comb It, So It Lays Flat Pancake From Scalp To Ear, Then In Creepy Porcelain Doll Spirals To Shoulders. She looks great when she's in a hat and it's an outdoor scene and it gets tousled. But it's distracting the rest of the time, is my point. Oh, then they inexplicably straighten it for the wedding - curly hair can look *gorgeous* in a formal updo. The one time they didn't leave it curly. 

Yes, this is the only thing worth discussing in the entire movie. Not even worth the bingo card. 1 out of 5 stars.

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Speaking of hair:

Entertaining Christmas (Hallmark) - Jodie Sweetin, Brenden Fehr

Her hair, it's all I can focus on - it's this weird Southern mom bouffy thing when it's not pulled back somehow. Also distracting - and this is a lovely woman, if you've not seen her since she was a child on Full House - are the ill-fitting, unflattering clothing they've put her in. It appears Ms. Sweetin and I share an affliction of the stems, that being... (deep breath) ...hi my name is Nash and I have the legs of a linebacker. It's true. And not a ton of muscle definition, because when I do? Hoo-boy. Heavy-duty linebacker. Best they're left alone. 

Point is, if gals like us do skirts, it ain't flattering to go above the knee, it's just not, it wrecks the silhouette and makes our already chunky-monkey legs look even bigger. And dammit if they didn't do it to her, and not even bother to put her in tights. This woman has huge hooters and a tiny waist, they could've had her rocking some crisp black slacks or a pencil skirt that hit mid calf and a snug lil' cashmere sweater and BOOM, you're channeling Mansfield and Monroe. Bonus that she's a natural blonde. But no, let's put her in matronly above-the-knee shapeless polyester-looking dresses. Ugh.  

Okay, anyway - this is actually a decently inventive plot: she's the daughter of a Martha Stewart type, and she's "poised to be the new face of the brand" - problem is she suuuuuucks at all the cookie making and knitting and whatever. She's also of the thought that imperfections and unique family traditions are more awesome than the largely unattainable perfect-perfect blah-blah from mommy's magazine. I'll give them this: the mom is awesome and nice and kind and understanding, they were smart not to cliche it up and make her a hardass.

But even though it was a creative plot, it just slogs and is so bleh. If you haven't guessed the ending by that synopsis, I don't know what. It's, um... I mean... it's not great, but may appeal to some, so I didn't put it in the This Is A Horrific Attempt At A Nice Lil' Christmas Movie pile. Take that as you will.

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Let us end on a semi-positive note:

Christmas Pen-Pals (Lifetime) - Sarah Drew (who?), character actor you'll recognize immediately (for those of a certain age, it's the dad from Family Ties), other people you'll never have seen before in your life

This should've been called Christmas Cupids because it's about a thing called Christmas Cupids. The people behind these movies are *killing* me.

This one's good, and mainly because the premise is great, it's about secret santa in a potentially match-making way, but hey could also make a good friend. The set-up is that Drew chick is a total brain and she wrote an algorithm for a match-making app but it's so scientific it's boring and as her business partner at said app company put it, it takes away the spark. Which is kinda dumb, because you get the spark when meeting the other person, ain't none of these dating apps giving you in-person spark. Whatever, they're losing users so they need a kick. I missed the part about how she re-worked an electronic app into handwritten letters, but that's neither here-nor-there.

I'm not gonna tell you who she ends up with - you'll guess it nearly immediately, don't worry - but know that even though it's predictable, there's several really sweet and unique moments that I haven't seen in all these other 50,000 carbon-copy Christmas movies. The acting on the part of our leading lady is a little extra, and the other lead is a little flat, and the flow/cadence to the story isn't quiiiiiiite there, but I'm giving it 3/5 stars, so it's not on the rec list, but not a waste of your time.

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And just to recap the rec list thus far...

(4 of 5) Every Other Christmas (Schuyler Fisk, Dee Wallace - Lifetime) (4 of 5) Operation Christmas (Tricia Helfer, Marc Blucas - Hallmark) (4 of 5) A Very Nutty Christmas (Melissa Joan Hart, Barry Watson - Lifetime) (5 of 5) The Christmas Ornament (Kellie Martin, Cameron Mathison, Jewel Staite - Hallmark)

We'll see about doing a rapid-fire round-up next time, and maybe doing The Christmas Fanfic Movie That Out-Fanfics All The Fanfics And The Christmas Movies, but I legit want to watch it all the way through (I only caught the last half) so I can make sure I'm reporting accurately to the three people who are reading these (not bitter don't care doing it anyway).

I'm not overselling this, by the way. I'm not. It is *deliciously* bad.

#8

Okay, as a reminder, the only movies which I've given over 3 stars/would actually recommend you spend your time on (and keeping in mind that a "5" does not mean it's a great movie, it just means it's not overly sad nor overly shmoopy, and doesn't hit a grotesque amount of recycled plots on the bingo card) are: . (4 of 5) Every Other Christmas (Schuyler Fisk, Dee Wallace - Lifetime) (4 of 5) Operation Christmas (Tricia Helfer, Marc Blucas - Hallmark) (4 of 5) A Very Nutty Christmas (Melissa Joan Hart, Barry Watson - Lifetime) (5 of 5) The Christmas Ornament (Kellie Martin, Cameron Mathison, Jewel Staite - Hallmark) . Those last two we haven't talked about yet, so I'll cover 'em at the end of this entry - first we're gonna shoot through the ones that aren't a complete waste of time and have recycled shtick, true, but aren't teeth grinding due to the acting or directing or whatnots.

And we're doing this because next update, I'm going to spend the whole thing on where you can find the Whyenne some of you love so dearly, you reblog her every chance you get. It's her. It. Is. HER. Every mannerism, every word, every---- well, I'm spoiling. That's for next time.

Okay, these are all in the 2-to-3 Nash star ballpark...

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Dear Secret Santa (Tatyana Ali, Lamorne Morris) --> there's too much singing for padding the runtime --> you may like it more/find it more satisfying than Sandra Bullock/Keanu Reeves "The Lake House", and that's all I'm telling you plot-wise

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Kristin's Christmas Past (Shiri Appleby) --> it's exactly what you think it's about by the title --> there's a really cute, snicker-worthy scene near the start with her younger self, and part of it reminds me of the vibe of the rapid-fire convo in Mystery Spot

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A Twist of Christmas (Vanessa Lachey, and someone called Brandon Zub - I think - who is delightful) --> A dad and a mom are shopping for their kids and their bags get mixed up and blah-blah-blah ensues because they're opposites in many ways, but I didn't find it terribly grating --> it's an adorable sort-of snarky-sweet

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Road To Christmas (Jessy Schram, Chad Michael Murray) --> nice premise, he's a good actor, and she's... well... ::sigh:: --> this chick in everything I've seen her in... she apparently has one gear, and that gear is coked-up mouse that skitters everywhere with her barrel-curled hair vibrating around her head... but in this one, she chills as the movie goes, so it's tolerable

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A Christmas to Remember (Mira Sorvino, Cameron Mathison) ---> This aaaaalmost got on the rec list but I can't because the plot is weaksauce "Overboard" (80s movie, Goldie Hawn & Kurt Russell, it's hilarious)... -->...but it wasn't the worst, because these two are such good actors, they sell it, and it's sweet, and keeps good pace, so there ya go

Okay, to the goods - next time we'll talk about the ass disasters - and one specifically that I 100% guarantee the fluff fans amongst us will love, despite my ripping it a new one. Which I'm going to do. Because of all these I've watched, the one we'll talk about legit flabbergasted me on many levels.

A Very Nutty Christmas

I am slightly biased because Melissa is a friend of a friend (sister-in-law, specifically) and she is good people, a hard worker, and a smart (heh) cookie. She knows what roles she nails (sharp wit, no shmoop, strong chicks), so that's what projects she and her mother choose (they produce most everything Melissa's in), she stays in her lane, is my point, so if you agree with that assessment, then you're good to go, this is classic Melissa Joan Hart fare.  

She's a baker, but not some "Waahhh this is hard" sort, and there's no competition, it's nothing but what you'd expect - lotsa cookie orders at Christmastime, but again, she's not super-duper stressed, she’s got the appropriate level of “let’s go, people!”. Now, here's the cheese that I don't want to chase you away: her decorative Nutcracker comes to life (Barry Watson) and helps her out. 

I know, I knoooow. And listen, at the first scene with him, you're gonna think that Barry'll be working your nerves through the rest - I sure as shit did - but stick with it, he ends up being very charming. You may actually be wooed. The character is completely sincere in all he does and says, and you’re happy to see her have this sort of person in her life, because she puts a lot on herself, and boy is that totally relatable.

Other good stuff is you'll recognize all the secondary characters (their actors, I mean), with the exception of the ex boyfriend, but he's well cast, he doesn't play the smarmy too heavily. There's also a good song behind the (standard) montage for once, and smart smart smart is their limited usage of Tchaikovsky outside of the blip of the ballet that we see. And kudos for that, too, limiting the ballet's role in the movie.

The whole thing is tied up with a very satisfying ending. It's fluff done right....

The Christmas Ornament

....and here's angst done right.

This isn’t about an ornament being magical or something how you might think from the title, I promise. It’s significant, but not in some otherworldly way. The situation(s) are absolutely plausible, it’s a believable story, and there’s not all this exposition that explains the characters’ backgrounds, it all unfolds organically, and you’re honest-to-god rooting for them, no matter if the story has them together at the end or not - you’re gonna find yourself saying “I’m okay with this happening for them either way, whether they stay friends or if it evolves.” On that note, kudos to the writer: Cameron’s character is very empathetic and doesn’t push Kellie’s character, not even once - he pushes her to get “out there” and interact with people and be social more than she has been, yes, but in a good friend sort of way (and Jewel’s character is doing the same - it’s in the “we care about you” way).

And this movie looks *fantastic*. The cinematographer and editor gave it big-deal-theater-movie-level treatment, no kidding. Some beautiful shots, especially some lingering ones at the ice rink. Bless the music supervisors, too - no shitty distracting music, and no one (if memory serves) sang for an extended period of time, if at all (I really don’t think anyone sang). Jewel Staite is a treasure, and for once the side-friend was actually necessary to the story, she was well-used.

I also liked it because Kellie’s character is self-assured in many ways, fragile in some ways - in other words, she’s real and she’s relatable. I took issue with one teensy thing, I didn’t track with how it was she was the one to apologize for a misunderstanding, because she actually wasn’t far off base; what she thought made sense for (1) how he’d behaved toward her, and (2) what she’d seen, and (3) what she knew because of what he’d told her prior. In any event, that’s the only real “flaw” (and it could just be a Nash thing) that I saw. This one’s well worth your time. 

  #7

This entry’s about “Dear Santa” (Lifetime), part of the David Haydn-Jones quadrangle Christmas tangle. The plot sounds decent - cheese, but decent. I love Amy Acker, and I love DHJ, this should be a cakewalk.

[15 mins.in] Oh. Oh, my.

Yeah, I'm busting out the Cheesy Christmas Movie Bingo Card, it'll be at the end. Let's see if we can get a win. At a minimum, I think we're gonna be checking a lotta boxes.

Other than our leads, we have poor man's Sean Hayes as gay best friend (h/t @butiaintgonnaloveem) on the scene, and he's outfitted in hot pink chef gear - AT THE SOUP KITCHEN - so that everybody's clear he's a card-carrying member of The Gay. 

Shitty acoustic guitar riffs, cool.

Precocious child plays the flute... and shittily.

There's a homeless man whose shtick is that he won't come inside, never a roof over his head again, and I wanna know (do I?) where he's taking his dumps.

Related, the music continues to be shitty, and I mean toilet-clogging.

Ice skating "lesson", check.

Holy fucknoodles, two grown women are in a food fight. I do not get why Dollar Store Justine Bateman (the snippy girlfriend, the one that is so off-putting it is beyond the realm of possibility that this kindhearted and jovial man is even remotely interested in her despite knowing each other a long time) is so vitriolic, as she's known Amy Acker about five minutes. 

THIS MUSIC

Christmas wish, check.

The green screen effect behind rich mommy checking in from the Caribbean is such ass, I am shocked. You Tubers have better green screens. How do you fuck up a green screen? You're a goddamn cable channel whose focus is movies. TV local news manages to do it with weatherpeople multiple times a day.

Acker and Jones save this dreck. The kid ain't half-bad, either. But they are the types of actors that everything out of their mouths just flows so naturally, even when the plot is ass. I love this Angel-SPN match-up.

JEEBUS HAROLD CRICKET he just said that they are *five* *figures* *deep* in back rent on the soup kitchen and - I quote - "I guess the bank's out of good will".  DO YOU THINK?!

"I thought little girls loved to play the flute" is a line that was just uttered, and bless DHJ for actually getting it past his lips.

I forgot to mention, Acker's displayed some guilt a couple times now because earlier, there was a meet-cute (okay, apparently a near-run-over) incident with a mail carrier, a letter flew out, and - I *must* quote @butiaintgonnaloveem here again - then "instead of giving it back, she commits mail fraud and opens it." 

Now, the guilt is because it's the lil' tyke's letter to Santa, asking him for a new mommy (dead parent/spouse, check) and she's also feeling guilt over tracking them down (why? boredom? sure, that's gotta be the reason, because to remedy the letter situation, you glue that shit shut and stick it in a mailbox, it's just going to an incinerator at the mail station anyway), but it's this misplaced Christmas wish that perplexes me. It's not like she nicked a bill or a wedding invitation or something that's actually important.

I'M A GRINCH

Oh he owns a snowplow business? That name again is Mr. Plow (Simpson's song ref, google Mr. Plow, I'm sure it's somewhere). And it's the song I wish I was hearing, this music is eardrum-thumping. It is a slobbery wet willy. It is *achingly* bad.

He just stared longingly at her and licked his lips, FML.

Now Acker's acting like a snotface. I don't dig it. I'd be cool with her being sharp and not taking the shit from Justine but being classy about it, they've got her being balls-out bitchy.

Why is it taking so long for the wealthy girl to be like HERE IS CASH MONEY FOR YOUR SOUP KITCHEN YOU BEAUTIFUL CREATURE DAVID HAYDN-JONES --- like I get your charge cards or whatever are snipped, but go sell some jewelry or clothes from last season and shit.

She had the letter in her clutch? She's carrying it around with her? Why? WHY?!? I hate stupid  writing. I hate it. Worse is that it's lazy. HATE. Why was it in her purse? Because someone needed to find it. And there was no other possible way to accomplish that, than having one of your leads be an absolute fuckwit, right? GRRRRRRRRRRR that stuff just works my nerves.

The confrontation scene is good. Neither are over the top. 

Well how's about that? Her Christmas present check will cover the soup kitchen's debt!

Enough with the shitty guitar riffs, it's like I'm watching an SPN ep, and, no, that's not a compliment.

The longest montage for padding runtime is happening, and with another shitty song (but a tolerable one, despite the singer faking a lot of catches in her voice - I would know, I have a natural catch in my singing voice that I had to fight like a mofo for about six years in choir, but I've digressed, just tuck that nugget into your Nash file), showing Acker moping and DHJ sighing, then him running by the soup kitchen to sit in his snow plow and angst, and then....

....oh lookee there! She did the thing. Sean Hayes - in a sheer v-neck inexplicably over a long-sleeved cotton shirt like I'm presently wearing because it's what I lounge/sleep in, with a Coach neckerchief to top it all off (on god, I cannot make this up) - is now sassing DHJ, saying the letter thing was fate. And I mean... yeah, it was, right? Whatever, if DHJ was single and I had the chance, I'd be happenstancing my way near him as much as (and smoothly as, natch) possible.

I CAN BE SMOOTH SHUT UP

Smooches near the town tree square or whatever it is. And now we're back, and now the homeless dude has agreed to come inside, and we still have absolutely zero idea why he doesn't like being inside, and they have (checks time) less than 2 minutes to resolve it.  *see below*

Nope. That's it. That's how it ends. The homeless man came inside. Because that was the primary arc. 

No. It wasn't. 

It should end with us seeing him come in, sure (I'll ignore the boom of Chekov's Gun firing in the background), but we end NOT with the moment between DHJ and random homeless dude - which, again, let me be clear is *exactly* what happened - but rather with him coming in and all the rest of the homeless comrades and staff and Acker and Jones greeting them, then we see our two main characters and the kid sitting down like a family, pull back, we see them through the window in which Christmas tree lights are reflecting, pull back further, it starts to snow, cut to credits. 

Imma give this one 3 stars outta 5. It wasn't a total ass disaster, but it wasn't that great. It was okay. The Bingo card concurs, as it didn't get filled up, but it got damn close to being a 2/5 (in my mind, every bingo = a point off because it means it’s so unoriginal a damn bingo card could’ve written it):

Addendum:

Butiaint reports that "the homeless guy wouldn't go inside because the last building he walked into was a casino and he lost 'every last penny', so he could never 'just step inside ever again'," to which I, very calmly, replied --->

I'll do an addendum.... that still doesn't... I don't.... what? That's.... why not just say he can't make himself sit down for a homecooked meal because it causes him too much pain because his family died in a car wreck going out Christmas shopping and a dinner/meal was his last memory of them? It didn't need to tie into the money thing with her, that thread was fine on its own.... goddamnit I hate stupid writing

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Back to quick round-ups and arbitrary ratings of a bunch of movies in the next one, once I get my notepad transcribed.

  #6

For some reason, this whole entry morphed into a recap of "Holiday High School Reunion" with Rachel Boston (Lifetime). You'll recognize this gal, she's been in others for Lifetime, and I personally recognized her for the pretty damn entertaining, sadly short-lived Witches of EastwickEnd series. It was a fan-frikkin'-tastic cast of awesome women, they made any sloggy scripts watchable. I digress.

I immediately empathized with this character because not even a quarter of the way into the movie she's (a) dreading her high school reunion, and (b) hates social media because she doesn't wanna have to justify/be asked about/etc. her life, as she's not where she wants to be. I personally would add onto that the distinct apathy regarding the details of everyone's life. It's either veneered in fabulous or dipped in drama-filled Debbie Downer. Blecchhh. I've digressed again.

There's been a brief funny daydream - if they do more, I'm in, it was pretty cute. And there's been a brilliant piece of screenwriting in this movie, and I want to share it for my writer buddies because it was a *pristine* show-don't-tell.

(Let me say here real fast, to paint you a picture,  that she's dressed casually - hoodie, and I think lounge-y pants or maybe pajama pants, or maybe just jeans, can't recall - because it's clearly way past end of workday, and the character I'm about to talk about is in a crisp white button-down and tie and suit slacks.)

Her father arrives to find her on a porch that's covered in strings of Christmas lights wound around the poles/pillars/whatever you call them of the railings, and around the trimwork of the house, and they're these great pops of vivid colors in the night, first of all. So we're seeing her standing there, smiling and happy to see him, and what's in the foreground is a series of bulbs along the window or door frame, and one of the bulbs is out.

Instead of truly greeting his daughter, first thing he does as they barely start chatting, and while she's speaking, is saunter over right into frame, blocking our shot of her, and give that bulb a twist til it lights.

My immediate thoughts: He's a dick. He likes everything just so. He enjoys perfection. He's not interested in effort, just execution. He zeroes in on faults. He actively ignores/doesn't care about the fact that his daughter is happy to see him. He doesn't consider her important enough to receive his attention first and foremost. He's a supreme dick. And he's gonna make her feel like shit for where she is in life, which is her biggest insecurity, which he should know, because that's how good dads operate. But he's not a good dad. Not at all. And I bet he's about to donkey punch her feels.

All that from a twist of a bulb.

And I was right: he proceeded to make her feel like shit by being snotty about her job and comparing her to his golf buddy's daughter. Then she still managed to sit back down at her laptop and focus on what she was doing and smile a genuine smile, and now I like her and feel for her even more. No one would have blamed her if she cried, or snapped at him, or slammed her laptop closed and had an Angst Attack, and those would be writing choices too. But the choice is for her to make the best of things.

We also know this because it is reinforced with another good show-don't-tell via actions (versus her announcing it ad nauseam or other people saying it ad nauseam), when red punch gets spilled on her white dress at the reunion and the snobs are like "Ohmigawd!" and gasping, she goes "Well I think it looks kinda cool!" She does snag a cardigan because she's aware it's an eyesore, so yeah, she's lying to herself. It's clearly a survival mechanism, her childhood must've been a dream with a father like she's got (rolls eyes).

And the lie(s) she tells is to avoid the drama of not living up to the "Most Likely To Succeed" superlative, and even then it's a relatively minor lie, she's not making herself super-duper fabulous because she doesn't feel super-duper presently. She's cheerful without being obnoxiously Pollyanna, and her dynamic with her best friend (you'll recognize him, too, he's the dude who dated Regina George and who Cady had a crush on in "Mean Girls") is phenomenal, they have great chemistry and I'll be honest, I see where this is going and I've got some faith in these screenwriter(s) that they'll actually pull it off smoothly.

There's been a dance/song routine and it is horrific and I hate it. I hate it hard. It's stupid and lasts too long and is purely for padding the runtime. But. It had a good point, albeit one that could’ve accomplished in less time. The three queen bees who were her fake friends in high school, and are her fake friends now, all remember this routine to a pristine degree, and of course we see our girl whiff it the more it goes on, she knocks over a prop, turns this way when she should've turned that way, and I feel her - high school is utterly forgettable. 

I’m about to digress, so skip the indent if it doesn’t apply to you - anyone reading this who is currently a senior? 

Enjoy it, it's your last year, enjoy being kings of the hill. I liked my senior year for several reasons but the biggest one was that I was getting the hell out of there. I was liked, I was decently popular and I made good grades and was in honors choir,  but I wasn't top-tier popular or the head cheerleader or the valedictorian or homecoming queen or always having a boyfriend, none of that, and what I was? That stuff I just listed?

None of it matters. I've not been to any reunions, because I don't care to reminisce. Not that it was horrible or something, it was... *shrugs*. I'm still friendly with the people I went to high school with, ended up going to college with a couple of 'em, matter of fact, and I like who we are as adults tenfold vs. who we were in high school. Because as grown-up as you feel? You're a child. You're all children. I was a child. We were all children (even the couple of gals who, um, had children/were preggers before all was said and done and diplomas hit hands). We were. It just is.

So I assure you: the people who still wistfully think about high school, the ones who "peaked" in high school? There's something mentally still childlike about them, and I don't have the time nor the inclination to deal with man/woman-babies. I'm a grown-up. So believe me when I say that life is about to open up like a motherfucker. And if you did happen to peak in high school? Leave that behind, too. Resting on childhood laurels won't serve you well, because other than some of those accolades getting you into college? Nobody - and I mean nobody - in grown-up world cares about that shit.  

Oh christ another song. And a daydream (pseudo-flashback? hard to say, I was getting a snack). But again, more reinforcement of how high school doesn't matter to her but super-matters to others, in this case how she (former head cheerleader) didn't place give much memory real estate to how she'd broken off things with high school boyfriend (former quarterback), but it's like the first thing he asks about as soon as they're alone.

"Wow well... that was a long time ago," she says, starting to think back, then ultimately says - "I thought you were cheating on me."

He totally was, I don't even need to see a flashback, hundred percent, he's scum.  Whoa shit, speaking of - another flashback whilst kissing him, but whoa shit part two, it went to a fun, happy memory with best friend. Not subtle, this movie - of course she'll end up with him.

The divas are now in the bathroom gossiping about her and don't know she's in there. Again, the not caring, this time more blatant - "She ruined the routine!" - "It's like she doesn't even care" - "Can't believe she broke up with him on prom night" - "He deserves better".

One of these bitches was the one he was cheating with, no doubt. They also talk about how one of them called around, found out her job wasn't what she passed it off as, that she's a wardrobe assistant vs. a right-hand-(wo)man to this swank designer. The Queen Bitch calls her "nobody", and the minor bitches are saying how they're her best friends and wondering why she wouldn't tell them the truth. Hey, cheerleaders: Gimme a D! Gimme an E! Gimme an L! ....fuck, this is gonna take too long.... Gimme a USIONAL! What does that spell? DELUSIONAL! *pom shakes* *high kick* *herkie* *round-off-back-handspring*

Oh lord why is she doing a weird impromptu cheer routine.... best friend jumped in to support and encourage and some people seemed to get into it but... the fuck? These screenwriter(s) are either on point or left field, jeebus.

Speaking of field, she and best friend are out lying on the football field, and they're talking fun memories - as in, the only ones that are vivid in her mind are the ones involving him, and vice-versa. I will give them this: the flashbacks are cute and short and don't derail the momentum. They're really well done. The songs are the whiff.  

Now the queen bees are discussing their next routine. THE !!FINAL ROUTINE!!! AND SHE HAD A SOLO! (Why the shit are they performing routines at their reunion? I've heard tale of slide shows and videos and stuff like that, but fucking stage shows? Damn I hope that punch is spiked.) One of the minor bitches - the sweet ditzy one - is weeping loudly when Queen Bitch says our gal's officially out of their glee club. But she says "glee club", as in... they're the only 4 members? No other members are in attendance at the reunion? Looks like it was a big-ass graduating class.  ????  Got me.

Our gal's mom - who is MARILU HENNER DID I MENTION THAT and has been woefully underused thus far - has overheard. Commercial break. I need a Mountain Dew.

We're back. Marilu is completely opposite of Dick Dad. Now we're in a random B story where one of the bitches is flirting hard with the principal.... and the mic's hot. But she ain't embarrassed, says she'll meet him wherever someplace at midnight.  Oh and I forgot that best friend's not-really girlfriend flew out to join him as a surprise and he'd been like "Wha..." and she serves no purpose. Even now, when she gasps and squeals excitedly "Oh you're in love with her!" She ain't mad, and good, because nobody cares. And she's all pumped because she's made lots of friends with these people she'd never seen before in her life.

Fucknoodles the !!!FINAL ROUTINE!!! is bad. Now the solo. Our girl's taken the stage and Queen Bee didn't put up a fight, just stormed off. And here we go: she's making a speech about how she's not yet lived up to the Most Likely To Succeed, but their votes meant a lot to her, and she's not giving up. It's good shit.

And then they start chanting her name (it's Georgia, btw).

And then she starts her O Holy Night solo.

*sigh*

This movie is well-written but there's *so* much unneeded padding to the runtime. And she's on key and there's nothing wrong with her voice but it's nothing special. So what? Lots of people can sing in tune. I don't get it.

Flashback. Yeah, totes cheating, and he admits it - which, if she remembers, then that contradicts the earlier conversation when he denies it... huh? - and now she's in the gym, where she's bummed about the breakup. Best friend rescues, gets her up and dances with her for the last dance.

Have I mentioned that everyone looks identically the same? And we're supposed to be ten years out? Seriously. Hair and everything. Except for - and I don't know why - the bitch trio. (Dear Wardrobe and make-up departments: WHAT.)

So yeah yeah yeah, they share the last dance at the reunion because the whole thing was a fucking talent show-prom do-over (reunions are just not like that, y'all, I know I haven't been to one but my mother has - helped plan one, matter of fact - and they aren't Prom Part Deux, nor are there glee club and cheerleading routines, nor are they scheduled around major holidays. Dear Writers: ALSO WHAT.)

Ending is rushed and is stupid. Holy shit, they whiffed it. They actually ended on the totally unneeded B plot of the prinicpal seduction (which, by the way, consisted of a whopping 2 scenes... possibly 3, clearly it made no impact). This is the stupidest thing, they ended on such a bad note it leaves an icky taste in my mouth for this movie.

This one gets 2.5 stars out of 5. It had 3.5 for most of it, and then when we hit that first routine at the reunion, man did the points start coming off. This was classic fanfic: a ridiculous premise, sure, there’s things you have to overlook out of the gate (like, say, how nobody sane would plan a farging high school reunion at Christmas, at least not if they wanted actual attendance) but the execution’s great for the first half and then something happens and brains melt and it swerves into oncoming traffic and gets hit by The Trope Bus. ::sigh:: Ah, well. 

Ermahgerd, "Christmas Shoes" is coming on *warning lights flash* * dives for remote, goes to safety of Hallmark Movies and Mysteries immediately *

Next entry: part one of the David Haydn-Jones Christmas movie trifecta. Finally caught one. It stars the chick that played Winnie Cooper.  And holy jumping Jiminy Cricket, was it bad.

#5

Candace Cameron will star in any movie that’s Christmas themed and I am determined to watch all of them. She’s typically cursed with a snoozeville co-lead. The Alaskan doctor one isn’t bad. The executive who’s there to examine the lodge one is absolutely snore-worthy. The one about the saving dad’s business with nutcrackers one is pretty okay. I am actively avoiding the newest one about magic shoes. Christmas shoes never ends well.

Double feature with someone I vaguely recognize as being from a CW show in the early aughts, but clearly not one I actually watched, or I’d remember. Anyway, broad strokes: one is from a couple years ago, she’s a single mom and there’s this locket with a nautical star on it that’s literally, um, locked, and..... it’s not brought up again til the end. You’ll know the movie because you’ll think to yourself “This doesn’t know what it wants to be” - is it about the locket and how it was a gift from her mother and she lost it and it was somehow pivotal to discovering who her birth father was? Or is it about the custody battle with the asshole ex-husband and her losing her job and being evicted? Or is it about the meet-cute then “crossed wires” recurrent situations with the shop owner’s grandson? I have no idea. But there’s precocious kids and a bakery. It had potential, and that actress is good and so was the co-lead, but script = hot mess.

Second one is about a poinsettia farm and stars Bo Duke/Jonathan Kent, depending on your generation. She’s from the big city and she’s a-comin’ home to save the family business! I assume she meets someone at a bakery, I wasn’t pulled in at all, my remote finger got real twitchy, but when I flipped back toward the end, surprise! She’s a-stickin’ around, she’ll run the family business, don’t sell the farm, screw her life at the other place with the things! 

I actually have another recommend: “Operation Christmas”

Solid script, and hella fine acting by one Ms. Tricia Helfer. I have loved her since Battlestar Gallactica, SPN fans will know her as the lady ghost on the road who doesn’t know she’s dead. That chick. Killa actress. You wanna talk about a good crier on camera? Top tier, here. My cold, black, shriveled heart actually giddy-up’d and I possibly got misty when she bursts into tears in this movie. Also stars Marc Blucas, who Buffy fans will remember as Riley, and I like him, too. 

There are precocious kids, and this coulda gone cheaply exploitative with the military angle, but it sticks the landing with only minor wobbles, it hits heartwarming vs. cheese. There’s an odd fixation on singing in the back half (several characters singing solo at various points), and it’s awkward to watch (and hear, because of the distinct shift your ears will detect between the “on set” and the “in recording studio” audio) because with the exception of one, when they blend it into a professional singer whilst slipping into a wee montage of Christmas tree delivering - or unloading, I can’t recall, who cares - the songs go on Way. Too. Long. 

Except.

What they did during the talent show during the Silent Night number? That sing-a-long? Now, that I wish had been a little longer. A+ job, screenwriter(s). The very-very end was saccharine, but it was short, and that’s what counts because I realize you were trapped, this is Hallmark Christmas movie we’re talking, you had to do it, you’d been steady through the rest of the script, they wanted their shmoop, no one blames you.

Something called “The Sound of Christmas” has just come on, and there was so much exposition dump in the *first* *three* *minutes* that the titular sound is actually gonna be the click of my remote control. Oh lord looks like the lead male is poor man’s Ray Liotta who’s a high-powered blah-blah-blah. And seems it’s precocious child: petulant teen edition. I’m out.

David Haydn-Jones continues to elude.

#4

Pattern detected: Plot--->

The conflict must be saving family business/home from certain doom

Business = service industry (store, bakery, gardening/plants/farm, lodge/hotel)

Female protagonist supes busy with her stuff and such in the big city; has to leave; returns; likely plans to stay forever

Precocious child, standard

Execution--->

One lead must be a notably better actor than other; neither may be on-point overall; if both are something, that something is teeth-grinding to watch and/or listen to

Exposition with (admittedly) necessary facts must come early on, and in dialogue dumps, preferably just one big fatty, and preferably between two people who already know this information vs. to someone who is not privy to this information

Character introduction/pertinent background must not trickle out organically over the first act via showing their actions and other characters' reactions; just throw in with that plot exposition dump

A big gun was pulled out last night - Patti LaBelle was briefly in one, watched some of it, was glad to see an original plot (mostly; see above, re: female protag mold) but then I thought better of it, googled, and yup, based on a book. Ah, we meet again, Not Original Story. This morning, tangentially related, something-something-rich-dude-reg-chick, and they were named Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth Bennet #fml #gag #stay away #get Austen out of your mouths  

Presently playing is one whose plot sounds suspiciously like The Parent Trap: Christmas Edition, Nashville Style. Sort-of, I mean, we start there, then I'm not clear on where they drive to, but it's still Southern, and props to the filmmakers for not going nuts on the snow, someone actually did some research. I will also compliment them for only letting the folks who have some form of natural Southern accent/Southern cadence use it, the rest speaking in standard North American accents.

Now, two things: I love the Lohan version of P.T., a lot a lot a lot, and I'll hear nothing bad about it. Secondly, I'm going to refrain from commenting on shite Southern accents in movies in general, this one and elsewhere, such as in the Kellie Pickler Graceland-set Christmas one that aired yesterday that I could only tolerate in five minute increments as I flipped back and forth to Law & Order SVU frequently for palate cleanses #Mariska sorbet

But it got off to a good start,  the opening credits were creative and unique, and I recognize the lead actors. Kids don't seem terribly precocious. Hmmm.

I shall give it a chance.

[time passes; returns to draft]

It's not Parent Trap, summary was garbage, it's not about the precocious kids, and no one has a high-powered career, no one is filthy rich, and both lead actors are really great. The chick is Sissy Spacek's daughter, I've seen her in other stuff before, have always liked her, I think she's talented. I recognize the lead dude from something I've seen before, too, he's a bit of poor man's Paul Rudd, but good. There's a somewhat difficult grandma, but she's not unlikable, you kind of get where she's coming from, and it's because it's Dee Goddamn Wallace, the queen of playing mothers (youngsters, google her, you'll likely recognize her, leave out the goddamn when you do).  

The background music isn't overly country-fied nor syrupy-shmoopy twinkle-bells. The dialogue is actually decent and delivered believably by all parties. The kids aren't annoying. The side characters are just that, left to the side, there's no best friend/sister taking up screen time. The leads have an easy, natural chemistry. Holy fucknoodles, I might recommend this one to you. I'm actually watching this one. I'm legit watching it.

[time passes; returns to draft]

What I said above continued, then there was horse-riding and acoustic guitar and even a classic car. The chick wasn't the one leaving to go back to what-the-hell-ever. Nobody was pining for anybody, and the conflict at play was completely realistic. Okay, yeah. Recommend. Hundred percent. This is the angst-turns-to-love with a dash of domestic life AU fic many folks keep trying to write and not quite getting there (Hi, I'm Nash, and I'm supes blunt when I'm under-the-weather), then your bonus that it's set at Christmastime.

The exposition on backstory was done pretty dang smoothly, but better was that we weren't told who these characters are/were, we were shown. *And zero flashbacks* There's several great, snappy, shot-across-the-bow lines. There's a religious element that is pitch-perfect and appropriate and not overbearing. The ending song is a smidge too long, didn't need to hear the whole thing, but it's kept simple and the lyrics are sweet without being cheese, so I'll give it that. Pacing overall is a little wobbly, they probs could've trimmed a good ten-to-twelve minutes of runtime, and there's a side character who blips on the scene that was poorly cast as his lack of prowess sludges up the vibe (charismatic, he ain't, maybe he's somebody's spouse *ahem*), but this one's pretty solid, y'all.

It's called "Every Other Christmas", starring Schuyler Fisk, on Lifetime Movie Network - it just premiered the other night, apparently, so with rebroadcasts you should have plenty of opportunity to catch it.

Okay, back to the shmaltz.

#3

My dearest:

[cue old-timey, slightly depressing instrumental courtesy of rickety fiddles; narration by Ken Burns]

Exposition anvils continue to drop from the sky with abandon, though I’ve not succumbed to my injuries, have no fear. 

Alicia Witt was lovely in something about a novelist who was rejected by both successful novelist boyfriend and publisher, but then meets very successful other novelist who is hiding the fact that he is such. I only caught the last quarter. Disappointed in lack of fanfic about novelists. I tire of writing “novelist”.

Our regiment (myself, General Pup, and Lieutenant Pup) is currently surrounded by a tale of a stewardess who has gotten entangled with a dude whose daughter she was in charge of because unaccompanied minor on flight. Dude is the lead from “That Thing You Do”, he was the next Tom Hanks before Colin Hanks got old enough to fill that role. I am saddened this dude has not gotten mucho awards. None of this matters.

I am more of the sads that the flufferfic-ers have not stalked and mauled and chewed on the carcass of the premise of Whyenne being a flight attendant who captures Dean’s heart when she captures his vomit during a flight to wherever to do something. Or, scratch that; she magically cures him of his fears with her enchanted hoo-hah, because that’s how phobias work. And assuming there’s plot, the hunt for the whatever can take place on the plane, like that Harrison Ford movie or that Jodie Foster movie or that Kurt Russell movie. It would have to be a big-ass plane. They could still bang in the bathroom, even though there’s plenty of places to go.

I have no more plot to give, I am exhausted and according to the thing, you know, the thingy that tells what’s on next, there’s no restorative Candace Cameron in the near future. I may have to settle for one of the Duff sisters.

David Haydn-Jones remains elusive.

General Pup is barking orders. I must end here. Ever yours - Nash. #send vodka

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#2

Report from the front line:

There’s been a Denise Richards bakery-related jam. Also a Lacey Chabert - who is a baker - jam. The first had a Christmas cookie contest, the latter a gingerbread competition. Not to be confused. Something with people I’ve never seen before in my life just started, about a big CEO and a bakery. Candace Cameron was in another one, and though it’s bakery-free, those are all starting to blend together.

Send rations.

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#1

I have felt like garbage and been homebound for two days, and then today (oh blessed event, and I am dead serious, I love it) the onslaught of Fanfic Movie Time has begun, a.k.a. Totes Ridiculous Christmas Situation Lurve-Conflict-Lurve Movie Season on Lifetime/Hallmark/that other network I can never remember the name of, and due to foggy brain I got sucked in. There was a king and ice skating, something about Louisiana with JDM’s wife where everybody’s hair looked horrendous, and then another one with Candace Cameron in Alaska. It was great. Legit. I haven’t laughed as hard. It helped me cough up disease. #bless you Candace