#i can only be grateful it isnt way worse. bc i know it can be and is so for other ppl

[bunnihearted]

🐰🩹❤️‍🩹

[alivehouse]

i dont know haha like its like theres these people who are nice to you on a surface politeness level and they think they know everything about you but they dont and they only just know telephoned shit from your dad who does not like you and does not know anyhting about you and also is a compulsive liar bc they dont actually like speaking to you and theyre constantly berating in this subtle way where you cant say anything bc its not Polite to say anything and theyre being Polite which of course is the same thing as being Nice and they are always talking about how they want people to die sometimes violently and sometimes these people are quite like you although they do not know this but you find it hard to believe that they dont have an idea and you try to talk about anything else you try to talk about the weather or sports or the new job you got that isnt good enough for them but somehow within a few turns of the conversation they are already talking about how much they want people to die again but not in those words but not far from those words and if you say anything you Lose and youre Crazy and the shadow of the last person who said something and was expelled haunts the room like a ghost that only you can see but everyone is smiling and the whole time you are just tying to remember that it could be worse and it is worse for a lot of people and you should be grateful really that its not worse and you try to focus on that but you just want to get the fuck out of this room but thats so cruel because they are going to die soon dont you know theyre going to die soon why do you want to leave when you know that they are going to die soon

[ihatebnha]

why do i feel like bakugous got those weird sweaty palms thats really gross to hold hands with because of his quirk??

bc he does. you feel that way because he does. 

you cannot look at me and tell me bakugo isnt one of the sweatiest people on the planet. not only is his quirk sweat related, but it allows him to create literal explosions (which are hot) and is constantly training to get better at it (which is EXERCISE)..... if anything, his hands are the absolutely worst of it... 

contrary to popular belief, this is also why i dont think he smells like burnt sugar... i just know he smells like bbq sauce and chicken fingers because he’s nothing but a handsome lil grease fire🥰🥵

tbh tho this is actually probably a good thing because it means he most like can’t smell your BO b/c he’s just constantly smelling himself, and if your hand is sweaty you can just blame it on him and he really won’t know any better. 

lol i wasnt even gonna write anything for this but then i did and went overboard bye... also sorry if it’s a lil ooc (baku is supposed to be older tho)...... i got halfway through writing before realizing i hated the ideas LOL

enjoy!

-

It took you a long time to get used to Bakugo’s natural… musk. 

Granted, he’s always been someone who takes pretty good care of his health, so it’s not as if you ever had to wait long for him to wash his hands or take a shower, but still, over the course your relationship, you have smelled, whenever you hold his hand or it’s been your turn to do the laundry, and touched, some pretty moist and stinky things. 

Not to mention how he usually comes home smelling of sickly-sweet, stale wine and restaurant grease, much less.

It was funny at first, before you told the public about your relationship and got better at the whole PDA-thing, rather than find yourself scared of Bakugo’s amazing ability to create explosions with his hands, you somehow decided it would make much more sense to avoid his hands for being sweaty. 

Back at first, his sweatiness was a lot more noticeable, but now that you’ve been together a while, you find that you honestly don’t notice, and that you’re rather grateful for all the blessings it bestows upon you. 

-

It had been a long day. 

Unable to escape the warmth of Bakugo’s arms this morning, you found yourself late to work, spilling coffee all over the white of your blouse as you ran to catch the subway. To make matters worse, you also ended up forgetting your lunch, and ended up opting to buy take-out instead. Finally, on your way home, you hadn’t realized that the chilly wind of the morning had long since blown by, causing you to sweat a hole right through your jacket. 

You smelled. 

Kicking off your pumps at the door, you sigh, beginning to unbutton your top so as to hop in the shower as soon as possible.  

However, Bakugo is too much of a hero to notice your sneaking, interrupting your journey by meeting you in the hallway. 

“Hey, baby,” he calls, hands stuffed into his pockets as he pokes his head out from the kitchen as he watches as you walk by him with a sign. 

“I’m going to take-” you start to greet, but he’s fast, catching your arm before you can finish the sentence and breeze by him into the bathroom. 

“Where you going, pretty?” He smirks, tugging you into his side so he can press his nose into your hair and drag you toward the kitchen. 

Before he gets far, though, he pauses, body frozen as he starts to glance around. 

“Do you smell that?” He asks, ignorantly, turning away from your body to look for the possible source. 

It’s doesn’t really take a genius to know that it’s you, especially after the day you’ve just had, but you try to play dumb, anyway.

“Smell what?” You say, taking a step back from his arms, a hand still in entwined with his as you begin to act like you’re looking, too. 

“Smells like,” he sniffs around, “food?” 

“Sweetie,” you say, voice light with feigned confusion. “Are you sure it’s not just you?” 

Bakugo makes a face, mouth halfway open and ready to tear into you, but instead takes a pause, unhooking his hand from yours to pull back and lift up an arm to smell. 

Eyes widening, he glances back up at you, searching your eyes for any hesitance on your part, and, when he sees none, frowns. 

Bingo. 

“Since you haven’t started cooking yet,” you ask, a smile now teasing your lips, especially since you know you’ve most likely gotten away with it, “How about we take a shower?” 

Bakugo grins, grabbing your hand again. 

Safe to say, you both get one hell of a scrubbing. 

-

Pulling up the skyscraper of an agency, it doesn’t take long before Bakugo is bursting through the doors and jogging to your car, eyes dark with an angry expression on his face to match as he yells something back at the sidekick that’s been left at the door. 

Throwing his duffle bag in the backseat with a heavy arm, he settles into the passenger seat next to you before pulling the car door shut with a loud slam and crossing his arms. 

“Long day,” he says, roughly, though if it’s a general statement or directed at you.

“I bet, baby,” You sympathize, eyes wide in question at the annoyed look he sports, “Wanna talk?” 

Turning away to stare out the window as you wait for his response, Bakugo grunts, rolling his eyes when the car doesn’t immediately start to move. 

Still, you persist, aware of what this behavior usually means. 

“You’re kinda sassy, huh?” 

Bakugo hums angrily, still refusing to look at you with his handsome, red eyes, to which you finally oblige to his silent request for silence.   

However, you’re barely two streets down and stopped at the first red light when he speaks again, voice still hard and angry, but cheeks red and mean expression since deflated. 

“Hold my hand,” he demands, opening and closing his palm at you over the divider to catch your attention. 

And you can’t help but laugh, smiling when you move to lock your fingers with his over the console, noticing how his shoulders sag and he just barely relaxes at the warmth. 

Still, for catching an attitude, especially since you knew what he wanted this entire time, you figure you the next words won’t hurt him too badly. They’re true, after all. 

“Katsuki,” you whine, voice knowingly playful, “You’re all sweaty!” 

But in trying to pull your hand back, Bakugo only grips harder. 

[pwnyta]

Okay, so like… I follow a lot of artists on Twitter, and sometimes I would see pretty… desperate for attentions ones, I guess?.. so, there this one artist, she have a pretty cute artstyle, she draws pretty frequently and think she have 8k+ followers, but the problem is that…… how to say it? She rarely would get any comments under her posts. And I know that I am gonna sound like a complete bitch, but I DO believe that’s because of how desperate she seems… like she would often post things like “my art is ugly ueueue” or “no one likes more works” or in description of the new work she will be like “comment for me if you like my new work!!” and honestly… then again, it might just be me… but I feel like a lot of people that follow her really dislike her desperate attitude. Like, girl… you have a good artstyle and everything, but of the times she comes off as someone who is either fishing for compliments or just someone who needs constant validation. I mean, she creates fanarts for a pretty popular fandom and draws a pretty popular character, and I feel like the only reason that she doesn’t get as much attention (like comments, everything is fine with likes) as other artists bc of her attitude. Like, I understand that it really shitty of me to talk about it, but I will be honest, every time I see a person (no matter how talented) who is constantly asking for validation and comments/likes, the less I want to give it to them. I think what is even worse is she would upload her own photos sometimes, and like, she pretty attractive, but I feel bc she constantly calls herself “ugly” when she does this a lot people just choose to ignore her… and I feel really bad about it, but also, I REALLY don’t want be under her comments and be another person to say “nooooo what r u saying ure pretty!!!”

Honestly I am not even sure why I’ve sent it bc I feel very bad for feeling this way (esp bc this person probably just have a low self esteem) but she (and other ppl who do this) just feel so pathetic and I am like… I really like your works and your style, I like what you put out for the fandom and I am grateful for this, but I really, REALLY don’t like your personality and how you conduct yourself. Like, this is not the worst behavior in the world, but it’s still pretty annoying 😭

Yeah I dont think theres inherently anything wrong for wanting to receive validation it really does keep some people motivated to keep drawing or writing or w/e. Fandom isnt very fun when its just you really..

This chicks problem is that she wants it and instead of just being open about her feelings shes trying to set up people to do it and no one likes that somewhat sneaky way of doing things. Self depreciation can be relatable but if its too obviously a ploy for a compliment the people who do/also feel that was are just gonna roll their eyes.

And honestly drawing for popular fandoms and characters... does she even like them? Because people can tell when someone is just doing things because they want the attention and not because they necessarily like the thing. Its most obvious when watching like a lets play or something but people can pick up on it and it just makes watching hard for people who do like the thing. From what it sounds like she seems the type.

Dont feel bad for ignoring her... other (presumably adult) people are not your responsibility especially when you guys arent even friends. Like you do not have to worry about it.

[astralshipper]

GOD i have a lot of feelings abt sam’s character arc and religion and jus fuckin,,,, shit. okay. this messes me up so much bc hes so PRECIOUS he deserves BETTER anyways im gonna rant abt that! tw for religion and sp.n spoilers for up to season 15, which means basically no one is able to read this but whoopsie daisy skdjhfg

EDIT: YEAH THIS TURNED INTO A LITERAL FUCKING ESSAY I DIDNT MEAN FOR THIS TO HAPPEN HERES AN ESSAY ANALYZING SAM WIN.CHESTER AND HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD AND RELIGION

alright LISTEN UP. so like neither of the brothers were ever like... religious religious. i mean, they knew abt demons. they knew abt all of these gods and creatures from different kinds of lore. but it’s pretty clear that sam has always had faith in a god, since he’s seen praying quite a few times throughout the series. he only really does this when things get particularly bad, and he’s run out of other options, so it isn’t a core part of his character. but it’s still there, and it was always there for him to fall back on when he felt lost.

which is why, when he figures out who he is... what he’s destined to be... it hurts so bad. he was always the one with the faith. he was always the one that cared about a higher power. he believed he was being watched and cared for by this higher being and it turns out, he’s destined to be the vessel to the devil himself. to make matters even worse, the first time he meets an angel, he’s instantly called an abomination. all his life he’s felt like a freak, he’s been ridiculed and put down, and when he finally meets the closest he has come to the higher power he believes in, he’s rejected. and it presses in the idea that, now more than ever, maybe he really is an abomination. maybe it’s his fault. maybe he’s the problem. 

but still, even through all of this. even when angels and heaven made his life, ironically, a living hell, he didnt lose faith in his god. he still prays. he still looks to the being for help and guidance. he believes that he is still being protected and cared for. even after all the shit this world has thrown at him, he didn’t give that up. even when dean would call his actions ridiculous and snap at him for catching him praying, he kept going, and he kept his beliefs close to his heart.

then he figures out he knows god!! and how cool is that!! god has been their friend this whole time!! and he swoops in to help them, and he saves sam and dean in a moment where they had no other way out. and he feels grateful, because now he has proof that his prayer might not have been in vain. maybe he really hasnt been alone this whole time. sure, god isnt the kind of guy he expected him to be, but he’s god. and that’s enough. 

so imagine, just for a second, how awful it must have felt when he realized he’s been played this whole time? how must he have felt when he realized that his life was nothing more than a show, a source of entertainment for this god he has held faith in for so long? you can see it in the season 14 finale, the moment sam realizes that chuck isnt who he thought he was. this has all just been for fun for him. he’s been controlling it all this whole time, manipulating the story for his own benefit. team free will hasnt had free will this whole time. and to make things worse, chuck is proud of himself for it. 

there are two things in sam’s life that have helped keep him afloat throughout the years: family, and his beliefs. and at the end of season 14 we see that balance just being destroyed as the center of his beliefs tries to tear his family apart. the kid he has come to think of as his son, he’s the target of chuck’s wrath, now. he sends dean to kill not only jack, but himself in the process. sam’s god wants to take away two of the most important people in his life in one simple move. that’s what snaps something inside sam, and that’s what finally breaks him after so long. after years and years of being given reasons to give up his faith and being ridiculed and looked down upon for the demonic blood inside him, this is what finally brings it all crumbling down. because his family was always there. chuck wasnt. no matter how much he wanted to tell himself otherwise, it was clear now. chuck didnt care about him, and he never had.

all of that had to be running through sam’s head in the cemetery. that’s why it takes him a split second to make his decision, because in all reality, his decision had already been made. he’s not just upset, he’s pissed, pissed enough to pick up the equalizer dean dropped and turn it on chuck without even an ounce of mercy. he’s ready to die to get rid of this asshole he once called his god. he spent his whole life believing in this higher power, and it only took maybe an hour for him to lose every last drop of that respect. and that’s fucking heartbreaking.

anyways, yeah. thats why i consider the chuck and sam relationship to be the most heartbreaking betrayal in the whole show, bc god damn it goes so much farther than just being duped by their old writer buddy chuck. 

[tootiefrootieroll]

I feel like Dany

I feel like I'm literally going mad.

I wanted her to be the mad queen I was okay with the idea of her burning kings landing to the ground. Especially after the shit she has been through her entire life and the recent seasons. I wanted the red keep to be exactly like the vision from the house of the undying a throne room with no roof and snow ash blanketing the room.

What I didn't want was her setting ablaze millions of innocents and civilians.

I realize she was going for this arc since the beginning. Her advisors Jorah, Barriston and Tyrion have always had to keep her worse impulses at bay (I want to say from season 4? and on). She has always dealt with her problem with her dragons, but her problems and enemies dying by fire has always been seen as just; not just seen but portrayed and presented as just.

It just isnt computing correct to me. Why she didn't just go straight for the castle, burn the fucker to the ground. She literally had no reason to burn the city, the people.

But also can you blame her for being this way? She has fought tooth and nail for the greater good of what she can obtain and do in perspective to her power. Fast forwarding to when she arrived in Westeros, she put aside her life goal for "the good of the realm" and helped the North. She lost a dragon, she lost her armies, she lost her most trusted advisor. She lost everything. She could of taken the entire city with just landing on Blackwater's bay. They would surrendered because she was THAT powerful.

She sacrificed everything so she could have a kingdom to rule. And then they won, and literally nobody is grateful for it. Everyone on the entire continent is like "lol arya killed the night king, dany didnt do anything, the north rules".

So really the people in Kings Landing deserved it. Like they knew what Cersei was, she blew up a whole God damn church of people and they still flocked to her because they heard the "crazy lady who sacrificed the most to save the entire continent was on her way to sack the city." If you heard someone was coming to take the throne why would you immediately relocate to the closest proximity of said throne.

This shit character arcs is literally walking the line of valid and not. She had the tendencies to be crazy, she had the fire power, she has made the threats (season 2 anyone), she didnt have the characteristics to burn innocents alive. Not when a whole 3 seasons was her saving innocents.

Although wouldnt you go a little crazy watching everything you built and worked for go right down the drain. Like finishing a 10 page essay and then having your computer crash. I know my immediate response is "well fuck this".

Sorry this is a mess. I am still pretty livid. It's just too contradictory. Somethings work and some dont. That's what lazy writing is. When you dont have continuity in a characters development and arc. When I as an audience member has to sit here in a mental breakdown because the pieces of the puzzle fit but are from two different puzzles.

Also last note, either Sansa is going to take it all. Bc let's be honest here she is the only one who knows how to play the Game. Or I want Dany to take it all. I want her to strangle Jon I want her to execute millions of others. I want her to melt the Iron Throne into nothing. Yall want a full mad queen by damn give it to me.

But does she deserve the throne? No. She cant really rule for shit. In the books and partially in the show, Slaver's Bay struggled with the new ruling and she was barely keeping it together. So does she really need to rule 7 kingdoms????

I can do this all night folks. Pray for me.

[jess-oh]

prayer

hey God,

it’s been a while. i guess a part of me is afraid to say these things aloud in fear that claire might hear me. i would rather be alone.

i think there are a lot of factors concerning my relationship with you. I know when I was in Turkey, I had full faith in you and really witnessed and experienced you move. I felt so much of your pain and how much your heart breaks for your people that do not know you. i had full trust in you.

a few days later, i went to cross conference and felt incredibly convicted and cried and cried bc of the amount of guilt i felt. i prayed to you and you answered in a way that only you could. i gained clarity and was determined to properly equip myself before returning for a year. which is something that i still want to do.

but after the drive by happened only a couple weeks later, i felt incredibly hurt, broken, afraid, traumatized, helpless, and betrayed.

even now, the biggest thing on my heart is why. why god. i dont understand why you continue to put me through so much pain. what did i do so wrong to deserve so much suffering. if you really loved me, why would you purposefully put me through so much? i feel like my life is a living hell. there are times when i really genuinely hate being alive bc it just feels like too much pain. i cant take it. i would rather die and cease to exist than to go another day feeling such a heavy weight in my chest.

i want to get over it. i really do. and i am starting to accept that sometimes life just sucks and we just have to accept it as it is and move on. and ive started to move on from the fact that these things even came into existence. but i am still so upset that it was God that put me through this. i dont understand. i really truly dont understand. i want to understand but i dont. the actual experience isnt so bad anymore but the weight that these two events have carried haunts me to this day. and i cant take it anymore. i cant. i honestly really cant. God please. Why. I really just don’t understand why. 

I am in so much pain and suffering and you did this to me and I cant even begin to understand why. I feel like I’ve worked so hard to please you and glorify you and live my life for you and it feels like instead of a reward, im being punished with this awful sinking hole inside my chest that i can never seem to escape.

i want to be better. i do.

i just dont know how or what to do anymore.

it’s been a while since my depression lingered and has stayed with me. i just cant seem to find the motivation to actually do my work and stay focused and be studious. if anything, i want to do so in order to honor and please my grandparents. it’s the least i can do to help them during this trying time.

did i push people away?

i know i started to keep secrets and didnt trust them as much and isolated myself to just suffer alone which is probably what made everything even harder and even worse in my own mind.

i dont want to fight this battle alone anymore. and i am really grateful and glad that i have jeanne to help me but

i do wish i wasnt alone here. which is partly my fault for not being more open and willing to share my current struggles and problems.

but i wish more people would reach out to me to check up and see how im doing. which i guess is also my fault for not being totally honest about how much pain i am in. 

sigh.

and i dont know if it’s just me in my own head or what but whenever i am at church on sundays or retreats or lockins or whatever else, i always feel really self conscious. that im too loud or im going to expose myself by crying and really falling on my knees before God. I’m too afraid to take that risk.

im too afraid to really go before God honestly bc im afraid Claire or someone else is going to hear me and judge me.

but in the grand scheme of things, why do i really care what she thinks or anyone else? this life is so temporary and i do genuinely enjoy being at lakeview. i think people do genuinely care and love me and i do work really hard to be involved and to make a name for myself. and i think if news came out that i had killed myself, i think people would be shocked and affected.

but at least as of right now, im too afraid to really reach out for help. i dont know how theyll react or what theyll say or how their perception of me would change. i do want to seek therapy but i dont think i even fully understand what im feeling or going through. i dont even know what i would tell them.

i do want to worship God genuinely instead of feeling like im just saying a bunch of empty words over and over again. I want to actually believe the words im saying. 

it did feel nice singing that turkish song on labor day

and living hope strung a chord with me too.

i just dont feel like i can truly praise Him anymore. I don’t think I can truly praise you anymore, God. Because I don’t believe the words I’m saying. I’m not totally convinced that I love you this much that im willing to dedicate my life to you. and really believe you are worthy of all this praise when i feel so betrayed.

but, i need to go work on my homework now.

but at least i do feel a little better after writing this.

real quick before i forget,

To Amanda-

hey amanda. honestly, a part of me is glad that you decided to break up with johnathan bc it had such a negative impact on me. i felt like i had been replaced by him. you were always hanging out with him and i now know that it was actually just exhausting for you to be that social but i felt hurt. i always just gave you your space when you needed it and chalked that off to your personality and believed you wouldnt take the time to hangout with anyone multiple times a week or anything. but then i saw and heard about you hanging out with johnathan constantly and it made me feel like i had been replaced and i just wasnt worth hanging out with. i didnt give you enough for you to want to hangout with me more. i wasnt worth it but he was. all of a sudden, it seemed like you and him were really close and you didnt need me anymore. 

and i know you generally dont reach out for help and hermit unless prompted but. i felt like i lost you. and because of that, i distanced myself from you and even when i was going through tough things, i didnt always tell you anymore.

but i never told you that this was how i felt bc i didnt want you to break up with him bc of how i felt. bc i didnt know if i didnt want you guys together bc i saw the negative effects it was having on you or bc i just felt upset about losing you specifically myself.

this is actually how i felt before with jason and angela too. i wanted to tell jason that i didnt think their relationship would last and it was a bad idea but i wasnt sure if i wanted to tell him that bc i liked jason or bc i genuinely cared for them both and didnt think it was a good idea. so i didnt say anything at all.

and they ended up breaking up anyway.

and the same for you. 

even though i didnt say anything, you guys ended up breaking up anyway. which i kinda thought might happen. 

and i dont know if it was right of me to stay shut or if i shouldve spoken up but this is how i feel. and i didnt want to say anything until after you guys had officially broken up.

but im sorry.

i also feel like it shifted our dynamics and changed a lot. like tbh, i was salty towards you indirectly about jasons graduation. bc i know jason was close to johnathan and pjosh. but i knew you guys were never that close. i was more hurt that i wasnt invited but you were out of proxy of being johnathan’s girlfriend bc i knew jason and i were closer than you and him. and yet, he invited you instead of me.

and i was hurt.

[doctormage]

hi i just need to be really dramatic and long winded bc if i dont get it Out im going to fucking explode

ive actually been trying really hard this semester with my thesis and its REALLY fucking difficult for me. my depression makes me catatonic and unable to complete simple tasks or be motivated to do literally anything; my anxiety paralyzes me at the slightest unexpected change and then obsess over whether everyone in my life hates me because of my anxiety; my sleep schedule is constantly fucked and my doctor is unhelpful; my bdd will sidetrack me from my work and responsibilities for literal hours or days, and sometimes if its feeling spicy send me on a full scale fucking breakdown; and my adhd makes all this shit worse on TOP of all the NORMAL adhd shit. like thats just!!! my life!!!! at all times!!!!! and there have been several times where i have genuinely considered leaving this program or not continuing school after bc i was so fucking overwhelmed and exhausted and scared but i didnt!!! like i make a lot of jokes about procrastinating and wasting my time and doing the least and whatever but in reality its really fucking difficult for me even when im medicated!!! but i dont like admitting that bc of all my exhausting childhood baggage and shit but that is not the point of this rant so anyway

this semester i made a specific effort to try and be a better student even tho all of this stuff has been exacerbated by grad school. i felt i owed it to my director and one of my committee members because theyve been so fucking helpful and put their faith in me and took a lot of their time to help me. i wanted to show them i was worthy of it and capable of being a good student who does all the shit she’s supposed to do, does it well, and does it on time. i overloaded my fall semester and nearly lost my goddamn mind JUST to have a lighter class load this semester so i could focus most of my time on my thesis (like for real that was actually incredibly stupid of me. i lost almost 30 pounds from september to december without conscious effort just because i was so fucking stressed. not a brag and actually kind of concerning bc that has LITERALLY never happened to me). it has been like....significantly taxing, but i wanted to show them how much i appreciate their time and effort and help by being responsible and respectful. my Trying Hard is a lot of people’s Barely Doing Their Best and i know that. turning something in 2 hours early is below average for some but for me, literally anything more than 30 minutes before its due is an actual goddamn miracle. but i wanted to work hard and do things right for my committee members because they deserve it

this christmas my parents asked what i wanted and the ONLY thing i asked for was help with my library dues. last year from like march to october i was significantly depressed and entirely out of my head, and i racked up some pretty bad overdue fees. i didnt even ask them to pay all of it, just some of it. less than $100. im really truly grateful for the gifts they DID get me, but i didnt ask for them for any of it, and my overdue fees were left alone. i was under the impression that they got paid and, like a fucking idiot, i didnt check up on it to confirm. ive been so hell deep in my thesis and teaching and grading and applying to phd programs and looking for apartments and shit that it really just slipped my fucking mind!!! crazy!!!!

today i was in crisis bc i thought i fucked up with scheduling my defense/exam/whatever the fuck. im going to call it defense and i dont give a shit bc everyone calls it some other shit and i dont CARE. anyway i really thought i fucked up but i went and talked it out with my director and it was all sorted out. i’ve gotten like 50% of her feedback on my thesis draft, which i’ve incorporated, and im waiting on comments from another reader (the other helpful person on my committee). we have to run some dumbass software before scheduling, so i ran it today and tried to schedule it but couldnt bc theres a hold on my account. i went on a fucking....ALMIGHTY QUEST to figure it out and i finally discovered that guess what!!!!!!! its my GODDAMN LIBRARY OVERDUE FEES!!!!!! THAT I THOUGHT WERE PAID!!!!!!! i had to pay them myself which is fine idc but it takes several days to process. this fucks up my life on SEVERAL levels

for one, its fucking impossible to get a hold of my third committee member. she is a vapor in the wind. shes like super busy and thats all good and well but the point is theres like zero communication there. i finally got confirmation on a defense date from all 3 members and had been literally planning MY ENTIRE LIFE around this date. after todays first scheduling crisis i was so happy i was still on track, but now this? now i have to wait 3-4 days before i can even SCHEDULE the defense. the super delightful part is that we have to schedule a minimum of 2 weeks in advance. so now i cant schedule my defense until tuesday at the absolute earliest, but that ALSO bumps my defense date several days ahead. i have no fucking clue if my committee is going to agree on another day that works for everyone bc theyre all busy as shit and we’d been working toward the original date for weeks if not months, and im so fucking upset because this is exactly what i DIDNT want to have happen. i havent tried to email them yet because im hoping beyond fucking hope i can call somebody at the university tomorrow and see if the hold is something else besides the fee, but it makes me sick to think of having to be like “oh sorry i know i constantly fuck up everything ever and im a piece of shit but can we change this date we’ve had set since january because i was an extra shitty piece of shit this time??” like OHHH MY GODDDDD

and the thing thats really fucking with me is that like, yes its my fault but this one time its not ENTIRELY 100% my fault. i asked for a favor and had the understanding that it was taken care of. yes the fees were my doing and yes i shouldve checked but oh my fucking god. i feel like all the effort ive put into being a better student this semester has been for fucking nothing because im going to have to email my committee asking for a different date and ruin all their fucking lives and theyll be so disappointed in me. i have like legitimately been crying on and off about it since like 4:30 today

it so shitty in and of itself but i especially dont want to do this to my director bc she is legitimately the reason im finishing this program AND that im going to a phd program. a year ago i’d barely spoken 20 words to her but she still agreed to be a reader on my committee just because she heard me explain my thesis for all of 30 seconds and decided to give it a try. she literally had not read a song of ice and fire at the time and she started reading them for me to help me with my thesis. in the fall when my original director basically threatened to leave my committee if i didnt change all my ideas, my current director stepped in and helped me and talked me through it and then offered to take her place even though my research is BARELY distantly related to hers. through all of this she’s been so insanely patient with me, super encouraging of my ideas both in this project and in others, helped me decide whether it was right for me to get my phd immediately after my masters, proofed and edited and helped me with ALL my phd application materials, and STILL is in the process of reading these goddamn books just to be a better director. i have lost my head so many times and shes always been there to help me figure my shit out, and i wanted to have it figured out for once. how stupid of me

like bumping the date isnt the end of the whole world but its really not just about the fact that i have to reschedule. i was trying real goddamn hard to be a better student this semester and i REALLY fucking owed it to my director and other reader, but especially director, and i still managed to fuck up this bad. i feel like such a DISAPPOINTMENT and it just will not leave my brain bc im so mad at myself. i tried watching shows and youtube compilations about game of thrones and shit but now my bf is asleep and im alone and its all i can think about. im so fucking tired of being the person i am honestly and i dont mean that in an edgy way its just like jesus christ i wish there was less shit wrong with me. i wish i had any kind of willpower or discipline so i couldve learned these skills and been a better student from the start. i wish i wasnt a giant piece of shit!!!!! 

and now im going to be up late being anxious about all this which means that i will, once again, wake up late but also still be really exhausted, which means i’ll do a shitty job teaching and get overwhelmed by everything and who the fuck knows what fun bullshittery will ensue because of it. i am so fucking tired of me and my fuckery and the fact that it fucks with other people even why i try so hard for it not to. tired!!!!!!!! fucking tired

[aitian]

June 19, 2021

Sat 3:05am

its been a long time. not much has changed, still at home. i was dreading going back to school for a long time. idk, maybe it wont be so bad. alice has been home for a few days before her residency starts. locked myself in my room tonight bc i didnt want to talk to anyone. feels rly bad that mom & alice commplain abt dad, then keep enabling his bad behavior by letting him do things that he knows will make everyone unhappy then pretending that everything is okay whenever he wants to be ok. i always felt like a mediator growing up & i still keep doing work 1-1 with everyone in this family bc they wont think abt what they need from each other & just bicker all the time. then they tell me abt it like im a little puppy or a magical imaginary friend or smth. i was having anxiety naps then was watching mick & yune & eren livestream on ultrarareos twitch. i dreamed that it was mom & dads birthday, & we all went somewhere for dinner, then alice was asking me which bar we should go to for a drink next & i was like any one is ok bc i havent gone to any & she was getting frustrated at me for not making the decision, & i was already so mad at dad, & mom was saying how the bbar isnt so different from the restaurant so why dont we stay here, so i told alice its ok to stay here too, & she got mad at me for changing the plans. felt rly bullied waking up that my dream couldnt be abt something else. i started watching twitch streams mostly bc i have no friends, & i wanted to hear someone talk, esp bc adele doesnt rly msg me & sherry is kinda gone into internet bullshit so i feel like she doesnt even rly want to hang out when we r together. i miss having queer friends, i miss thinking someone is looking out for me, wanting to see me, or wanting to know how i feel. i msged simon a few weeks ago, who i used to know of as shirley. we hung out twice, & i want to see him again, but i think he isnt so interested in me bc i am boring these days. he was very excited to meet me bc i was mysterious & intriguing but i think it died down fast. its ok. i think its better to be distant friends instead of building up the kind of resentment toward friendships i have when everyone needs me to feel good at strange times in their lives but insists on our relationship model as unimportant and transient. i hate this idea but i also rly do want to date at some point. i have so much resentment toward the thought that it is the only viable thing to do, esp for someone so unviable like me. maybe i just wanna have sex, to feel wanted for a moment, & to think that there r tangible ways to walk into the future. fucking sucks. i think i can imagine more clearly how it feels to have sex tho, & i want it. maybe i wanna top a man that feels like the earth... vast & incapable of malice, able to give & receive violence, no more precious than my own body bc we r of each other. i got a metal wand a few days ago & i get it now. it feels rly good to let the motions move me. feels more like pressing buttons tho, but i can imagine how the feelings could resonate & amplify with scent, taste, & touch. i was reading an instagram post abt how beel hooks said in an interview that sexual liberation is celibacy & i dont think shes wrong. i think it probably has something to do with that article she wrote abt tasting, or having taste for, the other. i think, for myself, i have to learn someday.. to be anarchic on the level of myself... to be full & communal within myself.. to let go of those desires to hold on forever, so tightly, so intensely, to trust... & rly be in relationship with myself & my satisfactions. it sounds antithetical to why i was interested in anarchism to begin with, that idea that i could depend on other ppl bc it is the only way that anyone hasnt died. i still think it is true, but i think it is also an idea that is going to hurt me over & over & over in ways worse than being here or not here anymore. 

theres this seed that grows in the desert. the thing is, its going to die, right? theres no way it can grow there. im thinking abt how folks like me end up here, & what comes after. i dont want to leave home. isnt that the cruelest thing to my spirit & to the physical lives of everyone who is severed from my presence? maybe that cruelness isnt so bad. the thing is, the desert is everywhere. the seed might learn to get carried in the wind toward an unfamiliar stretch of desert. whose to say if the forests of origin still exist? can succession occur in this place that has been treated as garbage? its a paradise for those desert-dwelling folks. but seeds are only here to die. it feels like punishment. i dont want to grow scales & crawl with the rest of the folks who live. they have hurt & abused & chuckled while i have been withering. i dont blame them for living, but i will not forgive & become them either. they r the ppl i have grown up being told to love, for their love sustains my short moment of being. what do ppl like me do? it doesnt matter bc they arent me. the ones who survive r the ones i feel resentful toward. they betray me, they pretend to love me as much as they love the desert, they gaslight me into wanting this life. i am not grateful. maybe if i live long enough, i will become a vibrant poison. otherwise, this refusal is retribution enough. 

[rqs902]

.

im honestly really happy for 銀河 bc they really went out of their box and tried something new and the arrangement was turned out really cool, good for fsc

but theres just something about their performance that feels off... besides the voice crack, it felt like xu yang was rushing? which is big issue for percussionists esp if he and fsc are supposed to be keeping the beat together... maybe im just not used to what electric cello should sound like but pengpeng’s tone sounded scratchy to me again and i feel like he doesnt pay enough attention to the way he ends his strokes? and am i just hallucinating or is their mixing off again bc i just feel like i hardly hear zjy... again. but id love to listen to a studio version of this song bc i think itd solve those issues and the song itself is nice. 

lol why do they keep showing jym when xy is talking??? 

oh i wasnt the only one who thought xu yang was rushing but yea he looked really into the perf and really excited and thats great to see hes really happy on stage but he also has to keep himself calm enough to keep the beat 

oookayyy theres also something off with the tempo in 午睡’s performance and maybe im just being too picky but it really threw me off when they transitioned from bjg to ljt in that first chorus. i think it was the guitar entering too early? i cant tell if i should be more picky towards jym’s drumming bc when there’s rushing i usually go straight to the person whos holding the beat, and he should be the one keeping them together, but if someone else is rushing im glad he was able to keep up to at least rush as one group...lol. but i am glad that they were able to incorporate muji’s sound pretty well in this type of song, i was a little worried about that at first. tbh i dont think ljt and bjg’s voices match really well LOL awkward. and also awkward that they didnt let ljt play guitar too? like hes just jamming out on air while bjg is singing. idk maybe its an optics preference but i just find it awkward. 

i appreciate that ljt has really found a home in his group that can make him feel comforted. the way bjg was saying that ljt felt insecure on his own at the front but then comforted when he turned around and saw his group members behind him. that just makes me think of how lonely he must have been these last few years on his own. 

i appreciate that they have dada making sure to call out each member so they have time to talk during this live broadcast 

i feel like dada could’ve called attention to the fact that he was a witness to ljt and zzn on mrzz1 more tactfully but okay that was kinda awkward 

yoooo im down for a ljt x nana collab, their voices would be so nice oo 

lol i have no background on hyt and jmq, ill need to look into how they know each other

why am i not surprised hyt just like leaves them all in the dust of his go kart lollll im glad xiao xiong is gonna learn something new bc itll be good for him to have more than one thing to do, esp if theres so many other vocals in their group LOL 

but lol awkward ma zhe’s singing is questionable. voice cracking aside, hes very pitchy today... hm i feel like he probably overworked his vocals during practice :\ but also i dont think they fit zhao ke’s rap into this song well. his mic also isnt turned up loud enough, so the mixing feels unbalanced. wow hyt’s outfit tho, this boy’s not playing around LOL also is it just me or does jmq feel unnecessary LOL 

poor ma zhe is feeling real guilty. i respect him for keeping it together as much as he is, you can tell hes really disappointed in himself. 

isnt it kinda sad that 氣運 literally had to mess up so obviously for them to get a worse score than 銀河... also i feel like tencent is prob using this opportunity to put 氣運 third so they can boost 午睡 and fruit planet bc everyone knows 氣運 doesnt need any more help LOL 

yo muji and xiao wu being bros yess

AWWW seeing xiao zhi complimenting qiang ge’s suo na playing and then qiang ge being all modest like “i can accept this” AW i love them and i love how supportive xiao zhi is and how qiang ge can be proud of himself. 

i just love how fun fruit planet it. im just so happy to see that xiao wu really helped pull yrz and qiang ge out of their shells! actually all of them really looked like they were having such fun and i think xiao wu has a part in this. i really like how fruit planet has a running theme of happiness but also simplicity. their music’s sound has a simplicity to it that makes it sound easy-going and fun. not that the music itself is simple, but its just not overbearing and has enough pause and clarity that there are breaks in the song where you can see through the layers of sound and i appreciate that. 

wow i dont remember yrz ever singing this strongly before. i think yrz and xiao wu’s singing both fit well, both have different edges of fun and freedom. and im grateful they used the suo na as a highlight bc it adds an important touch but wasnt overwhelming. 

xiao wu calling out xiao zhi with respect for his leadership i loveee 

yrz talking about how xiao wu gave him strength and qiang ge saying xiao wu gave him courage aw and i can totally see xiao wu bringing sunshine to wsh

lol wait..... they totally skipped you zi.... is this on purpose bc dada has literally called out every other contestant to speak prior to this.

ohh i totally forgot xiao wu did feature on mrzz1 with zzn lol what a coincidence. i always just think of the two of them being on cyzj together but yes i do hope that fruit planet can be #winners like zzn and xiao wu in the future too then hahahaha

IF THIS ISNT THE CUTEST THING 

impromptu group hug!!! as gem’s complimenting how much xiao wu helped them and xiao wu’s just like hey hey listen to what the teacher has to say, kids!!

can we also talk about how ps literally used the same score sheet for all 3 previous perfs until this one he was like f it i need to give them a higher score LOL 

i love how nana is so proud of being a fruit planet member hahahaha can we pls talk about what fruit xiao wu is??? or will tencent not give zy the screentime 

i never thought id need to see xiao zhi comforting ma zhe like this until now

man we all knew 銀河 was gonna lose but at the same time they lost by kinda a lot :\ but also man how will they ever explain anyone other than 氣運 winning at this point LOL the difference is so real

man zhao ke including 熱帶低壓 in his lyrics last time and this time fsc mentioning 熱帶低壓 along with 202... oof xiao li’s the only one left. this shot is so painful 熱帶低壓 really left a big impression on zhao ke

man so many tears but i wonder if wjjw is gonna sign all of these kids lol

im excited for maomao to be on the last ep! i love his friendship with ljt!! but also kinda sad / surprised that next week is gonna be the last ep. this has been a heck of a trip but i cant believe itll be over soon. im wishing no matter what happens, fruit planet can keep making music 

also completely unrelated i just saw a video of yyg talking to lry and tyler about childhood tv and him imitating “one more thing” from jackie chan adventures im LOL 

[hagiographically]

summer qtr review/thoughts

buckle up kiddos its gonna be long -- this is mainly for my benefit tbh (tw for ed talk but as usual, no detail about behaviors)

but i feel like i tumbled less this summer and tbh i think that is ?? probably good

anyway

the quarter started off horrifically bad because i deteriorated a lot in florence. like, im so happy i went to florence and i experienced so many things and got so much braver and more confident, but i didn’t realize those positive effects until many weeks in, and they didn’t develop fully until i’d left

but i lost like..... at least 15 pounds without trying to or even realizing

surprise! italy is triggering for eating disorders....who knew....not this stanford-educated bitch right here....

anyway i was half dead when i got home to new jersey. i figured this summer i’d have to Actually Recover, and i’d dropped out of my program in south africa to be at stanford, catch up on my major, and get my shit together health-wise

That Did Not Happen, Unsurprisingly

having a disorder means.....the worse u get.....ur brain cares less about recovering....so I hit my lowest weight ever a couple weeks after getting back to ol’ stanf

it sukked cuz summer is triggering because it’s so beautiful and warm outside and like !!! shorts!!! crop tops!!! but anyway i hauled ass to the doctor to make sure i wasn’t going to die

she said “libby you are going to die very soon if you keep doing this”

but!!! that was the go-ahead i needed to flip the switch into Recovery Mode(tm) and i went to cvs the next day and bought hundreds of dollars worth of vitamins and supplements and safe foods because it was an Investment or whatever

and like......it’s been rocky. I’ve slipped up countless times. I gained 10 lbs in the first week and that was super scary lol so I relapsed, and then half-recovered from that, and since then it’s been a tug-of-war with the mental illness goblin

BUT that being said, the whole process has been kind of fun/motivating in a weird way, like I was a scientist and my body was the experiment, and I was just throwing data points into it and seeing what worked.

and ????? Some Things Worked !!! and it really awakens my sense of curiosity to see what things help me-- the nutrition and supplements helped my mood, energy, relationships (kinda? who knows what it would’ve been like otherwise), academics (same as relationships), confidence, etc. it even changed my personality i think, or at least minimized the things i didn’t like about myself and let me cultivate the things i like

like for example, i’m actually.....not an introvert i don’t think? i was talking to my mom about this yesterday -- she thinks she’s a 60/40 E/I and I’m the opposite, so we’re both ambiverts with different leanings. I identify as an introvert because I like solitary activities bc I’m used to being alone, but I realized this summer that.....being alone isn’t always good for me because it awakens mental illness goblin, but also I ??? really like talking to people and I’m good at conversations ??? I met lots of non-Stanf people from going out so much and it was always really refreshing and cool and I got energy from it....definition of an extravert

had conversations that really cemented my current values - got to talk about my classes and how much i loved them, how much the shallowness of bay area tech bothers me, how much i loved italy (florence is so hazy to me rn!! bizarre), regional differences in psychology (my passion tbh) and it just feels so good to care about things wow !! is this what it’s like to be neurotypical? no wonder yall are out there doin it

so I am not recovered in any sense of the word but I am so. much. better. I reduced a hella lot of behaviors, rarely felt depressed, and achieved pretty much everything i wanted, even though this was my sixth straight quarter of college and if i hadn’t done this self-imposed health regimen i don’t think i would’ve died, but i would’ve eroded and probably dropped out of school to go back to residential

should i be getting professional treatment? i think a lot of recovery blogs or experts would say yes, because they’re of the mind you can’t half-recover, and treatment comes before education, etc. and i don’t completely disagree and maybe once i graduate i’ll agree. but. i know that right now i want to be in school. i cannot fully recover on my own, but on my own is the only way i can get pieces of everything that i want. 

i’m healthier and happier because i made the best grades i’ve ever gotten at stanford (easy-ass classes for sure, but i’m still glad i performed as well as i possibly could. it’s a point of pride for me that even though my illness can get really severe, it’s never impacted my grades.) and i still did lots of really fun things! it was less social than last summer, where i went out every other day, but i still went to santa cruz beach boardwalk, an ed sheeran concert, a gay club in SF, SO MANY bars in downtown palo alto (at the point where multiple bartenders recognize me), a play in redwood city, coffee shops and dinner dates and sunlit morning walks to class listening to jukebox the ghost and happy-buzzed from green tea.

i’ll just say it, my fashion was kinda lit this summer....i was very physically confident, which is mixed because i might be romanticizing unhealthiness even though i am healthier than before. who knows. i am in transit

i feel like i didnt socialize as much this quarter with my actual close friends but instead met lots of one-time people and like, it was really nice meeting new people, bc when the people are always changing, i can see which elements of me stay the same. and getting to know who i am now is so interesting because tbh?? ive been through a lot this year (and also with, like, life) it’s so weird thinking of myself As A Whole when anything more than a year ago feels like a fever dream or made up story....anyway!

i did get to see my friends fairly frequently and i’m grateful for every time i did because i’m v lucky to have anyone in my life when i change as much as the fricken weather

my friends who loved stanford before are more over it now, and its funny bc i used to hate it but now im used to the school so i dont anymore. im a senior, i know the school well, ive been a member of so many clubs, been to so many on campus houses, explored the area extensively, taken a variety of classes….im not totally out of FOMO but its so reduced that im confident with what ive done there, and my ego isnt as threatened by other people bc i know i have my own kind of value. it doesnt matter if its objective or not bc how i feel is ultimately what matters

like its not all about what i feel if i dont do anything about it. but ive done some stuff! and im trying to make the shitty interpersonal stuff better! its going!

was able to read and write a little bit which is neaterino ! and i liked my job at the library, it was fun and easy

anyway if i think too much about it i’ll trip out because thinking about life sends me into existential despair, but this was a good quarter. up there with sophomore spring for my favorite/happiest/best feeling quarter? probably even better than soph spring because i was sick for most of the spring. every quarter has ups and downs and this was no exception but the downs didn’t feel as debilitating and the air didn’t feel like a fire blanket for once, and now that i have some strategies under my belt i can’t imagine things ever really getting that bad for a while

[bumblegem]

i dont think i really covered how amelia sorta. fell into beatrice’s and marion’s care, ive touched on her situation being Bad and that she was older when adopted. so like, even tho micha was adopted first, i see him being adopted as an infant vs mel being adopted when shes almost 5. so like. to touch on that really quick? 

edit: i said quick but this got. really long. heres an early tl;dr since this gets lengthy oops: a 4 yr old mel poisons herself twice, once on accident and once on purpose, bc she’s a very unhappy kid and her doctor-soon-to-be-mom was the only adult that’d had the patience and caring to even attempt understanding her.

essentially, when amelia was 4 she was in foster care that part has already been discussed before. at this point she’d been seperated from al for a little over a year, and she didnt know where he was or that he’d already been adopted out. she was old enough to remember him, and she was suffering extreme stress for a tiny body and couldnt properly process all of the emotions she was feeling and it resulted in her being a very very angry child who was often getting written off as poorly behaved and ill-mannered (especially if ever compared to al bc he shut down in a completely different way! he just stopped talking! he would just do as he told bc he didnt know what else to do!)

beatrice had been pulling a night shift when a 4 yr old mel was admitted with severe abdominal pain and vomitting. turns out it was accidental detergent poisoning, and it landed her in the hospital for about a week. (she was 4, it was figured to be an accident, she didnt realize what she was eating, and after a small investigation of the home it was determined to be an accident) during this time, beatrice had already sort of begun to fall in love with this kid. it took a lot, but when she /could/ get her to smile it was. it was great. she could see she was.. /struggling/, but mel couldnt ever really put into words why. bringing up her twin to anyone made everything feel like too much. towards the end of the week, during a shared lunch between beatrice and amelia, bee almost got a glimpse at it. asked amelia why shes got bruises on her knuckles and shins and mel kinda defensive. she cant explain it. she just gets. she just gets really mad sometimes and she doesnt know what to do so she hits and kicks. its probably something beatrice has seen, shortly after mel was told she couldnt go home with her temporary foster parents. and bee gently presses if amelia can tell her /why/ she gets so mad and for a moment she can see amelia wants to say something and instead. tears up and pushes herself back against the chair shes in and suddenly shes melting down and it takes a long while for beatrice to help her calm down.

its noted by other hospital staff and the foster parents that amelia reacts best to beatrice. shes really warmed up to her and she doesnt talk much but when she does its about beatrice. something they did together, maybe an art project or a book bee read to her. they’re grateful, kinda gives them hope that they can get through to her eventually. goodbye is kinda hard, more so on amelia who has a tantrum on the way out of the hospital. insists that they can bring her to visit but they’re. kinda hesitant, admit that she likely wont be staying with them much longer before moving on. not a whole lot bee can do, thats hard for her to hear but...

but then hey, shes back again, with more severe symptoms and the foster parents are giving up. shes been a wreck since coming home, they dont know how she did it, and they /really dont/, but they’re scared she got into something else and here they are again, less than a week later.

its after this that beatrice expresses interest and even gets a lawyer involved in the hopes of finding a way to bring amelia home with her instead. shes probably already told marion all about her, she works with a lot of kids but this little girl really resonated with her. and like... its not a story any of them tell. micha probably doesnt even know the full story, only knows the ‘bee was amelia’s doctor’ and might know about the first incident, bc that one /was/ and accident, but not the second. bc the second scared the fuck out of beatrice. bc she knew mel did it just to go back to the hospital, and she cared too much about this kid to let that happen again or let something /worse/ happen to her. 

its not something that mel brings up, i dont think most people think to even ask how someone met their adopted parents, but i know nosy people do like to ask about adoption stories. mel isnt gonna say ‘i almost killed myself when i was 4 bc i was desperate to see the one person that had the patience and care to listen to me’. maybe a light hearted, ‘haha yeah i drank some detergent on accident when i was a kid and then my doctor became my mom’. but even then its probably visibly clear shes uncomfortable with the story, and so are her mothers. and this isnt exactly family au specific, but it might play a role in her caution there. shes relaxed and locking up poisons is normal and expected, but like. in the instance of the swapped family au, when daliah is withdrawing and mel is struggling to fix things, remembers what herself did as a desperate kid and taking measures to make sure thats not a possibility.

[bythepowerof4]

clea and nick and a very confusing two day argument @nickatnightwalker

[during daisy’s 420 dash shenanigans]

bythepowerof4nnnno dont encourage her this is bad

nickatnightwalkerim encouraging her to be distracted byh being queen of something clea

bythepowerof4noooooo i dont think its gonna work like that shell just try harder

or maybe not i dontt fucking know i dont know anything

nickatnightwalkersame my guy but it was a chance i was willing to take on behalf of all of us

bythepowerof4ok sure great fingers crossed whatEVER

we are all sooo super grateful

nickatnightwalkeroh this is worse

bythepowerof4that wasnnt even a goov fucking burn

bythepowerof4that was so LAME and she thinks she s so SMART and i hate her

and i dont wanna talk about it actually how are you

nickatnightwalkeri am

dying

bythepowerof4Great

nickatnightwalkeri would have gray hair by now if it were possible for me to have melanin

bythepowerof4youre not helping though!!!!! uoure engaging!!!!!

noo ok not my business

this is meant to be chill i want to be chill

nickatnightwalkerjus wait till the bowl goes around again

nickatnightwalkeri was trying to distract her you kmnow thats the only way to stop the daisymobile

bythepowerof4thats not fair you know thats not fair

nickatnightwalkerwhat waiting for the bowl or the daisymobile

bythepowerof4Both duh

nickatnightwalkeryes i know, and, also unfair that this is happening on 420 day or our lord and savior snoop

bythepowerof4its not fair that we have to deal with this whether it happens or not wee could just like walk away from the weird passive aggressive blogging ccrcle right now if we so chose

yeah????

because this isnt FUN nickolas it is not

nickatnightwalkeri personally am having a loads of fun messing with ines

you have to dea l with everything when it happens so this is just a thign

bythepowerof4oh cool great youre just as bad fantastic news

nickatnightwalkerok i did no t and have not publicly read anybody out yet to date

i only do that privatley and only when it suits me

bythepowerof4:/

://////

bythepowerof4look at u ur being a dick right niw!!!!

nickatnightwalkeroh what to ines

im screwing with her

shes trying to fight me

bythepowerof4because this is soo the best way to deal with that sort of situation

nickatnightwalkerits just funny idk why shes getting all snaked out of shape

bythepowerof4"hot" you dick????

Youre both being gross now stop it!!!

nickatnightwalkera joke

a JOKE

shes a lesiabn

also just like

no

bythepowerof4its not FUNNY nick

neither of you are funny its weird and annoying and embarrassing

nickatnightwalkershe wants ot punch me bc i sias d bite me

i dondt really feel like imobligagated to take her seriously anymore

besides shes a shit so no t only is it funny to watch her blow a gasket over the same google image snatched pic i also like pissing her off

bythepowerof4u arent obligated to fight w her either but ur doing that,, a lot

idk

Im not making sense

nickatnightwalkerthis is brely a fight

[nothing until nick sends the photo]

bythepowerof4im not mad at you and im not mad at her so can you not tag team revenge for once in your fucking life

we're having an almost genuine conversation for once without you interjecting to make fun of me and pretend play matchmaker for shits and giggles so can you please, please cut it out

nickatnightwalkerim not making fun of you

nickatnightwalkerif i was making fun of you itd be a lot meaner

you should be flattered i even considereed encourragign you to go for daisy

[next day]

bythepowerof4hey!! how are you feeling haha, is ur hair still going grey

bythepowerof4im not trying to act like nothing is bad btw i just wanted to start it off nice sorry :/

nickatnightwalkermy hair's moved past being gray and now it's black, so im inadvertently copying misha again

bythepowerof4lmao this is some goth power play shit love it

nickatnightwalkerwhite haired twink is out 2008 gerard way is in

bythepowerof4as it should be!! do you need eyeliner like i don't have any but it would really make the Look

nickatnightwalkerwhy would i need that when i have dry erase markers to just apply liberally to my face

bythepowerof4so resourceful?? pinterest diy that shit

bythepowerof4we can raid the art rooms, get some glue while we're at it and cut a big chunk out of your hair gel budget

nickatnightwalkerdanger with that is potentially overgluing and making it fragile and breakable like glass

bythepowerof4glass bones and paper skin and glass hair also. got it

i mean youre pretty protective of it already i doubt anyone would notice the difference!!

nickatnightwalkerevery morning i break my legs getting out of bed

bythepowerof4do your heart attacks put you to sleep bc i know that feeling

nickatnightwalkeryeah thats why i sleep like four separate times a day

bythepowerof4and i thought that was just a #relateableteen thing

bythepowerof4so not to be weird but is this like. Chilly lackluster banter or are you actually not mad at me

nickatnightwalkerno im pissed

bythepowerof4ok

can i ask why

nickatnightwalkeri mean well first ya came at me for fucking with you which

like i said

i do but it's obvious

then you were a shit to daisy

so

thats that

bythepowerof4iiii mean. you said you wouldnt do that anymore. and then you did. i was just upset

and im sorry about daisy, i told her that too

bythepowerof4like really sorry!!

i just think its weird that someone can say, threaten to kill her and call her a bitch all the time

and youll date him

but i cant get a little upset when we're all high and im having a super stressful few days!!

nickatnightwalkerdo what anymore

bythepowerof4fuck with me

about her

nickatnightwalkerim not

i havent been

bythepowerof4you did though

bythepowerof4like what else was that picture

nickatnightwalkeryou said she was weird and creepy and i sent a picture of her being cute and sweet

bythepowerof4i said she was ACTING weird and creepy which objectively is an accurate description for someone talking about throbbing tentacle dicks and using the word "quivering" in relation to the nether regions of the girl they beat up for fun

but like, what do i know

i dont think shes weird and creepy and thats not what that photo was about im not an idiot

nickatnightwalkerlisten i frankly think everyone needs to reserve their judgment on the moire and daisy situation because it's clearly very complex and beyond the comprehension of mortal men and none of our fucking business to judge one way or another and, yknow, imho, moire has gills and misha smells like magic and youre 4d so maybe also reserve your fucking judgment on who's weird around here anyway

bythepowerof4i know thats why i apologized

nickatnightwalkershe can say shit like that and still be cute and sweet

bythepowerof4but like i said, high and upset and still getting used to this, so u can forgive me for one slip up surely

nickatnightwalkershe contains motherfucking multitudes

bythepowerof4thats not what you were saying though!! you didnt say that

you sent me a picture trying to make me jealous or something, just like she was saying, because obviously i cant have a private conversation with either one of you

nickatnightwalkerif youre jealous thats your problem

bythepowerof4im NOT

you both keep acting like i am thats not fair!!!

nickatnightwalkeri wasnt youre the one who's fixated on it

dont believe i ever said the j word

bythepowerof4i didnt either!! she did!!!

im not fixated on anything i just want to be able to talk to you without you making it about her all the time

nickatnightwalkerweve occasionally talked about more than daisy im p sure

bythepowerof4:/ you know what i meant

nickatnightwalkerwell this IS about her whether you think im continually screwing with you in some single minded attempt to torment you or not

and im not a fan of someone who says theyre her friend telling her shit like that

bythepowerof4i said SORRY it happens ok!!! i feel really awful about it why do you think i was so upset yesterday?

nickatnightwalkeri dont know dude i was baked

bythepowerof4i didnt know that specific thing upset her so much bc no one gave me a rule book for this shit and im never gonna do it again

nickatnightwalkerok cool

im also deciding rightnow this second i dont care if you believe why i sent the picture or not because youre so dead set on me trying to fuck with you ill never change your mind

and for the record

damians never called her a bitch again

nickatnightwalkerand if he tried to kill her, id be more concerned about scraping enough of him up off the sidewalk to fill a bucket

bythepowerof4youre not even gonna try to understand why i might think that

like i could tell you if u gave enough of a shit to listen yeah

nickatnightwalkeris poor self esteem and daisys difficulty with dropping her persona not the right answer

bythepowerof4not quite but thhanks

for that

nickatnightwalkerthats usually what it is

bythepowerof4ok just. Listen for a sec without jumping in to insult me yeah

bythepowerof4the two of you like, obviously tell each other everything. like u straight up reference shit shes obviously told u n vice versa

and that makes it weird cause it feels like im never talking to just you and thats why its weird when u bring her up bc its like, why wouldnt u just tell her whatever i say!!!

bythepowerof4and u keep saying i have a shot w her and telling me how to impress her when i just wanted to brag about winning chicken it didnt have to be a THING u know???

bythepowerof4but like!!! if ur saying that then she knows and it makes it weird!!! like you do that even when you said youd stop and then she accuses me of being jealous of moire and then you immediately send that picture and u can see how i might think it was a fucking team effort

yeah?????

bythepowerof4its weird and intimidating and im not even friends with her i was obviously fooling myself about that but i thought i was friends with you

like not youtwo as a unit or whatever fake setting me up

ok im done but that was stupid so whatever

nickatnightwalkerwell like 1. i dont tell her everything

i know hard concept but just because we talk about a lot of shit which is, yknow, what one does with friends, it doesnt mean we talk about everything

nickatnightwalkerfor instance: didnt know she said you were jealous of moire

bythepowerof4ok

bythepowerof4i believe you im obviously not that big a deal for u guys to bother talking abt me fine

but u can at least see how i might think that given ur whole thing is acting like ur joined at the hip and ganging up on ppl

u know

nickatnightwalkerwait do you want us to talk about you or not clea

nickatnightwalkershe was upset so she told me, i was pissed so i gave you photographic evidence

of the contrary imean

if i know everything about her then when i say youve got a shot i really think im in the best position to be calling that

bythepowerof4thats the problem!! Bc i clearly dont have a shot we dont even talk that much bc i dont even know how to talk to her and that makes it seem like ur pulling it out of ur ass!

nickatnightwalkereither i know everything about her or i dont make up your mind truong

bythepowerof4youre missing the point ok

nickatnightwalkerif the point isnt me giving you the run around to fuck with you not sure what the point is then

bythepowerof4oh my god

nickatnightwalkeris that not literally what you just said

bythepowerof4that is youre just getting bogged down in dumb shit im saying!!

nickatnightwalkeror dyou have your planes in a knot over us telling each other things like, information, like, sharing information about our lives

bythepowerof4stop that i dont give a shit about how the two of you act i just want you to get that its scary!! and it makes it hard for me and you expect me to be so good at this that the second i fuck up youre coming at methis hard

nickatnightwalkerof course i am shes my best friend and youre her friend so it's way worse than some rando ragging on her

bythepowerof4youre MY friend youre like my best friend here because im a fucking mess and youre getting personal about this and its upsetting me it doesnt have to be this intense???

nickatnightwalkerhurting daisy is always gonna be personal clea

nickatnightwalkerand i get you apologized and thats cool and that could be that but to the best of my fucking understanding im not giving you false hope and tbqh honestly, to be honest, actually, youre a decent fucking person and i have a strong preference that daisy go on coffee dates with someone whos not gonna knock her teeth out of her fucking head

bythepowerof4youre that invested and youve never said a single thing to her about it??

do you see how i might come to doubt that

nickatnightwalkeryeah and what the fuck would i say sorry but your weird hate crush kinda gives me the heebs have you ever considered not acting on that and trying to be relatively normal and healthy instead

bythepowerof4so what i have to do everything

nickatnightwalkeridk if youve noticed this but she doesnt really know what shes doing a lot of the time when shes talking to people so you know how i was talking about effort:: reward? thats where that comes in

bythepowerof4thats not fair

you could have just told her that thing you just said instead of pinning the work on other people without even telling them

nickatnightwalkergenerally speaking i try not to reveal daisys weaknesses to new acquaintances

bythepowerof4thats still not fair

do u even like me or are you seriously just trying to set her up with the least murderous person here

nickatnightwalkerif i didnt like you i wouldnt care if you were the least murderous person here

besides i dont get how you think us talking to each other is weird but you expect me to run interference in every single one of her friendships like, hey, just a heads up, shes got trouble finding the off button on the snarky attitude

like hell wingmanning you is pretty much the limit of what i can justify

bythepowerof4i dont expect you to do anything ive told you plenty of times that that shouldnt be your job

youre the one whos apparently been trying to invent a friendship where there isnt one?? forgive me for feeling kind of skeeved

nickatnightwalkeri was under the impression that you WERE friends

not sure when you stopped being friends actually

i KNOW shes doing her best to be less

bad

around you

bythepowerof4:/

nickatnightwalkerwhat

bythepowerof4i didnt wanna say "relationship" tbh bc there definitely isnt one of those

nickatnightwalkeroh haha relatable but look

i saw something good happening there with regards to daisy makin a human connection and i was trying my motherfucking utmost to encourage it

bythepowerof4ok but. its not a genuine human connection if youre there right

thats not very organic its just uncomfortable and confusing

i appreciate your help i guess but it was clearly more for her benefit than mine and that doesnt feel great?

nickatnightwalkerim not like lurking behind coffee machines im not actually THERE

and of course it's more for her benefit i didnt even know you

bythepowerof4i mean the second it went south you were, there, actually,

oh wow

thanks

nickatnightwalkerman youre not gonna pick me over like, your brother or something i dont see how this is shocking

besides

daisys

a good person to be friends with

bythepowerof4i mean sure but im still a bit caught up in you picking me out of a lineup like oh theyll do!!

nickatnightwalkerwhat line up

she likes you

bythepowerof4ok this part for once is not about her

well a little bit but listen

i thought we were friends because you thought i was nice and wanted to be

aka nothing to do with daisy

nickatnightwalkerwell like

yeah

that kinda helped your case though i guess

bythepowerof4no im sorry but that makes it weird

bythepowerof4that you befriended me for her sake and the second i pissed her off you trashed me for it like all im good for is bringing out the good in her

thats stupid??

nickatnightwalkeroh my god you have terrible reading comprehension

step 1.  we got to be friends

bythepowerof4ok we're back at insilts great!!!

nickatnightwalkershhh just shhh for like a second im breaking itdown alright

step 1. we got to be friends

step 2. you and daisy are also sort of friendsish

step 3. i encourage this shit because shes trying and youre pretty alright

step 4.  youre yelling at me for leading you on and befriending you to like lure you to daisy or some shit because i apparently just psychically knew you were ok

dont remember if we started talking because you were already talking to daisy so i figure that says something

bythepowerof4thats not what you just said but fine

bythepowerof4if im so wrong about all of this then im sorry for misunderstanding

nickatnightwalkerno it is what i just said

being friends with me first helped your case re me backing you up since i knew you werent a dick

bythepowerof4fine!!! ok i get it i just apologized

i cant help not getting stuff sometimes i figure u would get that being friends with daisy and all

but youre just saying all thise mean shit to upset me and not even feeling bad about it apparently

nickatnightwalkerlisten i really hand to god dont know what things youre talking about right now

doing it for daisy over you?  like

i knew you enough to know youre alright but daisy is daisy

bythepowerof4ok well yesterday, for one, with the "you should be flattered" bullshit

bythepowerof4and u were fucked so i would forgive that in a second if u bothered apologizing

or maybe the picture, which like, whatever your intentions were clearly was pretty hurtful

or anything about low self esteem, treating me like a melodramatic idiot,

any of that rally

nickatnightwalkerim gonna address these in order

bythepowerof4unless ur adress contains a sorry i dont care

ive heard ur excuses and thats great but thats not how this works

nickatnightwalkerlike

nickatnightwalkerugh jesus cut me some slack im not exactly a social guru here either im sorry about the low self esteem comment that was genuinely not meant to be douchy and neither was the picture even though i sent it because i was pissed

that was more of a look youre wrong kinda thing but i get how with daisy saying you were jealous that looks way harsher than i thought it was so im sorry about that

bythepowerof4even in context of like, just our previous convos i think that seems pretty harsh but yeah

thanks

i appreciate it for real

nickatnightwalkerand like i cant in good faith apologize for the you should be flattered shit because regardless of the situation daisy is daisy and in the interest of transparency im never gonna think anyones good enough for her but like i said she was willing to make an effort for you and i knew you were ok so

bythepowerof4oh my god

nickatnightwalkerwhat i honestly dont get why youre so shocked i prioritize daisy

bythepowerof4im not but you dont,, need to, for one

u know you didnt eed to compare us at all

and no offence but if youre trying to convince me you like me as a person and not just bc im convenient

saying "youre ok" as often as possible is NOT reassuring

nickatnightwalkeroh what

well first obviously i had to since you were getting kinda messed up over me doing thing for her not you and second of all i dont mean Ah Yes, You'll Do..... i mean youre ok

like

bythepowerof4that hadnt happened yet u just brought it up out of nowhere

nickatnightwalkernot bad

bythepowerof4it was douchey

nickatnightwalkerno you

you said it

like

ill scroll back if i have to but you said me doing it all for her felt bad

bythepowerof4yeah and it does fyi but u pulled that "you dont deserve her" crap last fucking night

if youre gonna continue a fight u started high at least read the backlogs dude

its clearly on ur mind if u brought it ip for no reason

nickatnightwalkerit wasnt for no reason it was because she was upset you called her weird and crazy

i didnt pull this shit from the void

bythepowerof4" you were getting kinda messed up over me doing thing for her not you" this hadnt happened yet thats all im saying

u cant even keep your excuses straight

i didnt compare us and you decided to and that understandably made me feel like shit

nickatnightwalkerwell goddamn you pulled the receipts it's certainly not like i couldnt have misunderstood what particular thing you were referring to

bythepowerof4i only did that bc u tried to make it about something else!! i get why u were mad at me but youre trying to make me look dumb its not fair!!

nickatnightwalkerim not trying to make you look like anything believe it or not

sometimes i too am capable of misunderstandings

bythepowerof4then why dont you ever say sorry for them

ive messed up like a dozen times in this convo alone and i said "sorry i misunderstood" ur just

id unno its going in circles and its dumb bc i just want you to not be mad at me

nickatnightwalkerbecause im too busy trying to tell you im not framing you to look like a tool

bythepowerof4and i said i believed you

but youre acting like im an idiot for thinking it at all

nickatnightwalkerdude im not

like i dont know what im doing thats making you think that but im sorry?

bythepowerof4i told you!! over and over!! and you kept making it into something else!!

literally read what u just said and tell me it wouldnt make u feel like an idiot

nickatnightwalkerwhatever sorry i compared you and said you should be flattered

bythepowerof4whatever

sorry agan for being a dick to you last night, bc i admit i was, and to daisy but ill take that one to her bc its like, Our Business

whatevers dont count and im tired so, till next time i guess

nickatnightwalker i said it after you upset her but before you apologized and pretty much would feel that way if donald glover himself came to her door

[tayegi]

Hey lu! I just read equilibrium's new update and its so good! I have been waiting to see the drama unfold once OC realises that Jungkook likes her. This has got to be one of my favourite writings from you! The storyline is so fucked up and sad yet i could totally see this happening in real life. Take your time to write the next part and i'll like you to know that you have found yourself a loyal fan here! Have a great day!

Ah im glad that you liked the update! And as strange as it is, theres a bit of realism, huh? bc real life relationships are never perfect. and this is such a level of fucked up that it could srsly happen in our fucked up world haha. Thank you so much and i hope you have a great day as well!

Anonymous said:If I were OC in equilibrium I definitely wouldn't have continued or even gotten into the relationship to begin with. Idk maybe I'm too prideful but if anything I would be MORE upset over being in love with someone who obviously cares more about someone else WHILE in a relationship with both. Like I'd have to witness the extent to which the person I love values someone else more than me, be constantly reminded that even if I'm with him and he cares about me to a degree, I will always be 2nd best.

wait really? This is so interesting to hear! I mean, i completely understand your perspective, but i feel like it would be hard for me to resist... Like imagine if it was IRL Jimin and he wanted to share you with an outside party. Could you really resist that? I am an weak bitch and id prob crumble in seconds D: 

Anonymous said:I really don't understand why all of these anons are so upset with the Mc and not the boys as well? The three of them are clearly using each other, it's not just her using Jk. Anyways, I love your stories and this one is fabulous as well, and those stupid anons need to chill out. You're fantastic and have every right to put them in their place! I look forward to the next chapter!

exactly! The internalized misogyny on this site is fucking ridiculous. But all of your kind comments make me realize that these idiots are the minority so im super grateful

Anonymous said:Equilibrium is so compelling. It's essentially a story like a chair with three legs- if one breaks, the whole structures collapses. Each person is only willing on keeping eachother around for their own gain. If anyone should be blamed for this, it should be Jungkook for simply suggesting the polygamous relationship knowing full well what it could mean for him specifically. Even more so, he's the only person "playing the field" taking advantage of Jimin's affection and OC's desperation - C Anon

Anonymous said:Continuing on my last ask. I also can't help but to notice that both Jimin or OC are particularly biased. They probably didn't intend to act that way but they do. But they also respect the "third wheel" of their ideal relationship respectively. Jungkook didn't do that. He intentionally tends to Jimin's needs knowing that's what he wants for no other reason than to keep OC away from Jimin. Cunning John Junglecock... someone is going to get hurt with this relationship built on lies - C Anon

Yes exactly! Theyre all pretty messed up, but Jungkook seems to be the most conniving of them all. I love the way you’ve thought this through and your interpretation is so spot on! Thanks so much for reading so carefully ^^

Anonymous said:Now that ive read chapter 10....how the FUCK are ppl mad at oc for this mess? Oc is dense for not picking up on jimin being willing to sell her for a corn chip in comparison to kookie, but the boys are by far the worst. They should've broken up after a week, with everything as toxic is it is. Both have ulterior motives when they say yes to the relationship. Everybody is in competition. And there is like, ZERO communication between them until kookie confessed in this chapter. It's a hot mess.

i know right??? seriously asdfjlksdfjk. tho i wouldnt go as far as saying that jimin is worse than the OC. theyre pretty damn equivalent. But no one’s innocent here haha. It’s just a truly screwed up situation D: 

Anonymous said:You are queen and I love you. I literally don't give a flying fuck what anyone else says about OC being a 'whatever-the-fuck-they-said' cause mygOD ARE YOU A FABULOUS WRITER. Fuck me Equilibrium is amazing. I'm slightly tipsy rn, but I know good literature when I read it, and I am leaving it open to reread it tomorrow when I am sober, but even I can see that the characters are all equally using each other, and each of them are to blame for this shit-storm of a relationship. Perhaps JK even more?

ahahahaha this is amazing! I’m so glad that you are tipsy! TAKE AN EXTRA SHOT FOR ME!

and i know right? I feel like Jimin and the OC have been played. Theyre innocent idiots. But then again, it’s not like they were forced into doing anything. it was their own free will :/ 

Anonymous said:Gahh ch10 was so intense! I agree with others that all three are wrong to manipulate each other but idk i found myself feeling kinda sorry for Jimin by the end of 10? The way I've interpreted it so far is that he probably felt the most inclined to just go with it and agree to the poly relationship, or at least that's how I read it, and yeah fine maybe he hasn't treated yn quite as 'nicely' but like he hasn't condemned her for also being affiliated with jungkook, but then again he's using this(1)

Anonymous said:(2) relationship to be with jungkook but yeah sorry I'm repeating myself but I really get the sense that he's just been kinda going along with it rather than outright manipulating them both, and yeah his resolve has been kinda breaking over the last few chapters but the flashbacks suggest that Jimin is at heart caring and just lovesick with jungkook whereas the oc and jungkook seem to have an unhealthy obsession w jimin and y/n respectively. Sorry I'm rambling but yeah thx for the amazing fic!

yeah i can see it that way! I feel like jimin has a better sense of morality and guilt than the other two. They are unhealthily obsessed, but jimin genuinely cares about them both, so it’s a bit sad. :/ But you can also see it from another dimension-- Jimin knew the OC liked him, Jungkook knew Jimin liked him and they both are playing their respective parties to get to what they want. However, the OC did not know that Jungkook liked him until the latest chapter, so she was pretty much innocent until now. so yeah. it’s debatable who’s the most innocent, but it sure as hell isnt jjk lol 

Anonymous said:Equilibrium is amazing for me because the longer you think about it the worse the characters get likeJimin at first seems like the purest one but then you realize he knew the OC was always being bullied and used and she depended on him because he was her first friend and he still made the decision to use her once again.Also I feel like part of her feelings for him have something to do with her feelings she came from an environment where she was never treated well and then suddenly here he was.

YES EXACTLY! It’s so hard to tell. bc jimin does genuinely care about the OC, but at the same time, the OC wasn’t manipulating anyone or stringing along anymore until the latest chapter where she finally broke and turned into one of them. So yeah... it’s the lucifer effect, man. The situation will change you 

[jess-oh]

Reflection

hey journal,

i finally got an e-mail back today from jeremy about the internship and turns out, i got it! im not surprised and idk what i was expecting but i am kind of sad. and im not entirely sure why. leading up to this reveal, i was debating on just going home for the majority of the summer or even just july and august and it was weird bc i was so excited to go home for the entire thing before but now all i felt was fear. it was a fear of returning to Sa-Rang bc i knew that i would feel so ostracized again and so afraid and i didnt want to go back to that. yes, i always feel such a strong connection with God back home bc thats a part of the culture but i also always felt so out of place. especially as an out of stater. there are so many people that i dont know and so many things theyve done that i was absent for. and our personalities just never really clicked. but then i started thinking, is it actually my fault? how is it that nothing has changed? really? is it really all on them or is it partially on me too? and i think it is. i think a big reason why i dont click with them is bc im always too afraid to be myself around them and try to just fit in instead to what everyone else is doing and saying instead of being my own person and i think it’s rubbed some people the wrong way. but i also have been unapologetically me in the past and i think my aggressive personality and boldness just turned some people off. but i do think me just constantly trying to fit in is a huge reason why i feel so awkward and find it so hard to maintain conversations with the people there. at least the problem isnt unsolvable at least.so i was right to some extent. i do need to keep working on myself and im not at a place yet where i am so firm in my identity in Christ that I can comfortably go home and just freely be me. That’s something that I need to work out. But now that I recognize it, I can continue to be aware of it and move forward from here.

I want to talk to someone but I’m not sure who to turn to. But it is pretty somber and upsetting. I would really like to go home but it does make more logical sense to stay here. To gain work experience, money, manage myself, and not have my parents worry about me. It’s great and I’m happy that I’m not being an extra burden on their shoulders on top of everything that they’re already focusing on. 

sidenote: im actually incredibly pessimistic and make things a lot worse in my head than they actually are in reality. im not optimistic at all. thats a huge fallacy. im super pessimistic. ive verbally expressed how im the only sophomore and brought a lot of attention to that and yes, david and grace have been more active recently but were pretty MIA for the majority of the year. but even though david has been more present recently, i have still continued with this statement. and i wasnt the only freshman/newcomer. There was Michael, Yen, Grace, Jason, and Johnathan. Yes, Jason and Johnathan came later but I wasn’t alone for the whole year. If anyone, it was Grace that was alone bc I never came out to Sundays. I was only there on Fridays. I’ve been so blind and bitter in my ways and have only focused on all the negative aspects and feeling bad about myself and just assuming the worst in people instead of giving them the benefit of the doubt and seeing the world from a positive outlook. Yes, this past year has sucked and a lot happened. But it is nothing in comparison to the weight and pain my dad must have felt through it all. Everything has been indirectly hitting me and I just have to accept that there’s not much I can do about it. But my family actually has a direct responsibility to do something about it and are well and able to do so. And it hasn’t hit anyone harder than my dad. Both of his parents are or have been sick for years, he lost his nephew, his car broke down, he got laid off multiple times, he took ownership of the leaky pipes. i cant even imagine how much he took on in total and somehow, he’s still standing. he’s still serving and still trying so incredibly hard. ive been so consumed and obsessed with how everything has been affecting me that i never stopped and thought about how it’s impacted him. i’ve made things seem worse than they really are. i really am so grateful for my dad and so honored to call him my father. i just wrote him a long message via kakao expressing my gratitude and i hope he responds well. it came from a very genuine place in my heart.

theres still a lot that i need to figure out in my life but im slowly getting there. 

ive been hanging out with my d&d crew a lot more recently—or at least just jordan and tykira and i feel so free when im with them and i think a big reason is bc my personality and beliefs and sense of humor arent super conservative. that isnt to say that they go against the Bible or God or anything. I would never do that. But the things I enjoy exploring are usually considered “taboo” within the church so it’s hard for me to find common ground without delving deep into certain issues. I really like Bo Burnham and Tina Fey bc they deal with real world issues in the form of comedy and I respond well to it. But not everyone does and are even turned off at the mention of these topics. Like rape, abortion, millennials, entitlement, shelter, protection, and more. 

I’ve been so quick to label and judge other people, especially people in the OC, for how sheltered and spoiled and easy their life is compared to areas outside of there but ive failed to look at myself in the mirror and realize my own sheltered and spoiled tendencies. The only reason why I have to worry about food for the next day is because I’m not good at managing my money. I’m not that much better than people. Yes, I’m doing a lot at my age but others have been doing it for much longer. I am proud of how far I’ve been able to do and accomplish and it is mind boggling to me that there are people that have not even entered this sphere yet but I’m sure that other people view me in the same way when it comes to other issues. We’re all learning and slowly figuring ourselves and the world out and it takes time and everyone gets there at different moments. It has nothing to do with age and location but everything to do with experience. Not a lot of people have witnessed so many deaths but I’m sure others have battled with depression and suicide on much deeper levels than myself. And I just need to accept people as they come at whatever life stage they’re at instead of judging them and comparing them to me. I should just let them come as they are and accept them for who they are because that’s how the Father sees us. And I want to see the world in that way too. I don’t want to be afraid to speak up just bc it’s the unpopular opinion. I want to bring light and a new perspective to issues and topics no one seems to want to address and hopefully start a conversation as a result. What Anthony said a while ago still rings in my head. If I want to avoid pity, I need to stop pitying myself and viewing what I do and who I am as something to be pitied. I am me. And I am learning and growing and moving forward. And I want God to be an integral part of my life along the way. I have definitely been drowning myself in media recently and it’s honestly made me feel pretty gross. But I don’t want to live that way anymore. I want to keep going and move forward from here on out.

[mintyicee]

Warning: skip this post if want

It’s a rant...and i absolutely hate you tumblr app bc i had to redue this twice now! >:(

Anyway, I’m used to being ignored. Everyone around me since i was little to being a young adult now has left me to own thoughts and corner in my home since forever. Though i am partially to blame being an introvert and an absolutely horrible friend in keeping contact with friends online, I mostly do so if i feel no one wants to hear, see, speak, or look at me. I will personally disappear and hide myself bc i feel it will make others happy if i wasnt around. As if i didn’t exist. True, not everyone in your life will be around forever and true, being oneself is your greatest friend. But, as shy or quiet as i am, I love being around other ppl. I dont want to be around ppl 24/7 but i do want to connect with ppl i feel can appreciate me at my fullest and without feeling like im weird or the odd ball that doesnt belong.

With that being said, I may be USED to it but i ABSOLUTELY HATE IT. As any human being would of coarse and a lot of ppl have it worse dont get me wrong. Making this rant already makes me feel selfish and in need of pity which isnt why im writing this. Simply put i want to push this anger out of me and get it out of my system bc i feel i cant move forward until i do so. And when it comes to my problems i suck at communicating it to others bc i feel they have much more important things to be doing then to babysit someone who is feeling down (but id drop everything to listen to others sadness bc i care way too much). 

I hate feeling like i did back when i lived in my hometown. Very lonely and sad. Constantly crying. I wouldn’t do anything all summer but cry in my room bc of how alone i felt. And i gave a very important part of me away just to make sure i had at least one person hanging around. I regret it very much but my efforts to hang out with the friends i saw at school outside of school would be very close to zero. Everyone is either busy or just low key didnt want to hang out with me. Tho i was lucky to have at least one friend I would see more in certain grades, it wasnt constant. And once all the drama with my nuclear family subsided, i was much more alone in the house than before middle school. 

I didnt have a cellphone or home phone, no internet either till i moved and started high school. The things that kept me going usually was my writing, music, and cartoons. Seriously being serious here. The way Id touch base with any of my school friends was to walk to their house and be lucky if they had time or were home. When i moved i had so much hope that Id find ppl to share and spend time with. Not only that but i was in the real world and no longer stuck in a house like a prisoner or place for that matter. But like stupid ppl or racists, the same ppl pop up everywhere as well as the loneliness i was hoping to leave behind. Only it came in a new form: even when im around others. I am/was happier here tho. No longer confined in my hometown house. But recently it feels like i am. This summer has been my loneliest since the move and the feeling like no one cares about me at all have all come back at my lowest and most crucial decision making time of my life. Not being in school this semester/school year is hitting me hard and no job call backs for a whole month now either. 

Partially my fault tho. The new friend crew ive been spending time with have been ignoring anything i said in the group chat. Id be skipped over and lately it feels as if im just upsetting certain ppl and end up talking about me behind my back. Really nothing new but I’ve just had enough of it. Like always I distanced myself and stopped talking all together. I’ve been more political upset in recent days due to certain issues on twitter but I’ve only been talking to my boyfriend and my mother. In hindsight tho, they really are my best friends. They are here for me at my highest and lowest no matter how many times i cry or how suddenly i get upset or frustrated. They are the ones to accept me for who i am. No one else has done this to the extent as they have and really thats all i need. Even if i dont get any other long term friends i dont care bc i know they will be by my side till the end. 

But I also want to say that if you didnt want to be my friend in the first place or you wanted me to initiate the conversation first then u should at least comment back at what im saying. If i said something dumb or something that didnt add to the convo then tell me dont just ignore me like im stupid. I refuse to be your “friend” that you only want around to be made fun of. I’ve been through a lot and yes ik u have your share of problems but if your going to only look at yourself and care about yourself then i dont need you. Im good without having that in my life. Ive had my fill of people who act like that to me. And im also tired of people who dont care about others and present issues. I CRY ABOUT PPL I DONT KNOW THAT ARE ON THE NEWS WHETHER NAMED OR NOT. HELL I CRY EVEN IF THEY ARENT ON THE NEWS! There are soooo many ppl who have it way worse than myself who suffer daily and im sick of hearing ppl dont care about the ppl and situations around them! I wont sit here making an excuse as to why i cant help its the same old issues no money (no job as mentioned above) hell even no car but that doesnt matter. I still pray! I pray for safety of others and i pray that ppl will be alright and i pray that things will get better! And also mentioned earlier, ive been reposting about current issues on twitter! This is small but i want to try!

So please if you had no intentions of sticking around me at any of my current moods, dont appreciate the person i am, or relatively dont give a fuck then dont involve yourself in my life. Yes it hurts to be alone but Id rather have that and be alone then FEEL ALONE WITH PPL IVE COME TO CARE FOR! Also, if I have helped you through thick n thin and you think u can pop into my life whenever you feel like it only to stop talking to me or purposely upset me and even threaten me? GTFO of my life and dont come back! Ever (yes this is about a certain friend who moved away and i helped not commit suicide that im holding a grudge at)!  And if you honestly are going to get upset at the actions ive done and say you do good things when you have zero sign of love for others in your hearts, live in a bubble of your own world, and follow the bible “word for word” get out of my face too bc i dont need ppl who say they are here to help others only to shun me if i dont constantly keep verses in my head or do things the way you want them to be and to have me fight my own demons while going against your beliefs and saying that im not doing what im supposed to (yes this is about church)! I DO THINGS AND CARE WAY MORE THAN YOU DO TRUST ME AND THIS IS THE ONLY TIME IM EVER GOING TO SELFISHLY SAY SO BC ITS BETTER TO BE HUMBLE AND NOT ARROGANT. I TRY SO HARD NOT TO JUDGE YOU YET YOU GET TO JUDGE ME? NO I DONT THINK SO YOU SHOULD START AT LEVEL ONE AGAIN AND LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE! (still about church not friends here). Also dont worry about the level one thing; you would know what this means if you went to the same church. 

I’ve been couping with the idea that all i need is two friends. I’m so grateful and blessed to have them in my life and if im truly meant to have more than it will be so. I know two others of whom i need to apologize for hardly emailing or sending a message to. I feel so bad i have neglected them only bc ive been feeling so down about this and other issues (like before: school, no job/car, possibly changing career and life goals, etc) but really is no excuse. Welp I’ve said all i wanted to say for the moment. There is another topic i wish to vent about but it will have to be for another day bc i have no energy to complain about that topic. If anyone read all this im sorry i took time out of your day and that I hope you are doing well. I hope you continue to live your life to the fullest and to celebrate the good things not the bad that comes along. I just really needed to vent these emotions so i can finally concentrate on what i need to do. Thank you for listening <3