#i can feel my blood surging thru my whole body like im hanging upside down

[riotbeankai]

Was it worth it? All the dairy? All the allergy symptoms? Is this what I want to do for the holidays next year, and every year? Do I care about celebrating Christmas at all? Do I want to do /anything/ for the holidays next year? Am I tired of participating in traditions that aren't relevant or fulfilling for me, or am I just depressed? Or maybe both? Is it important to me to spend all this time with my grandparents doing what they expect of me and behaving however I hope will make them happy? Do I want to do any of the things I have planned on the calendar for the rest of my time off work? Am I considering canceling these social engagements because I'm physically and emotionally exhausted and empty, or are these commitments something I genuinely don't value? Do I still value my relationships with my family members and want to put effort and time into maintaining them? Am I questioning my family relationships because I'm exhausted and depressed or because my opinion and values have actually changed? When will my body recover and stop feeling like shit? When will I find a doctor who will actually help me manage my health? When will I find a way to reliably and regularly eat food that doesn't hurt me? Will I feel any better when I wake up tomorrow? If not, then when? How long will it take to feel better? How long will it take to feel okay?