#i can always change the colors myself (manually) but who's got the time it's soooo tedious ;-;

[beabythemountains]

First of all, I want to thank those who did their best to make me look beautiful in this shoot. Will forever be in gratitude to you 💗

Secondly, I want to warn everyone who reads this that I am reserving my right to this post and whoever tries to use this in any way in prejudice against me, without my consent, shall be faced with legal consequences under the Privacy Act of 2012 (RA 10173) and other relevant laws. (I basically chose this platform because I want to be privately open about my experience without having to attack anyone who knows me in social media.)

I guess this is an open letter to people who are yet to open their minds. I wrote this August 21, 2020 after crying about it.

I received the final edits of my photos today. I have a cup of tea beside me, and cases and books on this table I am yet to read (I’m now in my fourth year in a post-graduate course.) But I just needed to pause and think about something for a bit. Today, my heart mourned.

Today was also the day I decided to color my hair back to dark brown/black.

As many people I know know, I work in government service. It has been 2 years and 1 month since I entered. Since entering, I’ve witnessed and experienced my fair share of Filipino government office gossip and, having been raised in a family and having had chosen church friends who do not condone this kind of culture, it has been one heck of an emotional ride and plenty adjustments had to be made. Many deep breaths were taken and many “it is what it is” have been whispered just to get to this level of adjustment I’m in now.

And I think I have finally adjusted to it — you meet different people everyday, you work with different age groups, and you have to adjust to a certain level of response to each different person.

And so, one day, I decided to color my hair purple/violet. Basically, the way people who like to color their hair blonde (or ash or light brown) like to do so, that’s the same way I like to color my hair purple, only in a different color. But aside from that, it’s my favorite color. I like different. I like unconventional. And not that I like it loud, I just don’t like common (similarly to how I am not a fan of mainstream stuff; but I don’t hate it, disclaimer). And it’s not that I decided to do it out of spite or out of a moment. I studied it and thought about it for a long time. I also love research so I enjoyed how I studied it and making it happen. About the color, I’ve always wanted to have purple hair, for aesthetics. The color matches well with green/blue green/pale yellow (actually any pastel color) because of contrast and looks soooo good with white — colors that do not usually compliment my skin color when worn. I’m not really cautious or conscious with what I wear because I’ve always thought that it doesn’t really matter as long as one is comfortable in it and doesn’t really affect people around him/her. I’ve also been very adventurous with my hair — I’ve tried very long, very short, straight, curly, wavy. I just don’t care what other people think of what I do to my hair or what I wear. I mean, it’s just my hair, if you don’t like it then don’t do it to yourself! 😂 What has been stopping me to color it before was just because I do not have the resources. I was only a student, imagining what it would be like to color my hair. And now I have the means to do it!

I studied it. Of course, first of all, I studied if it was prohibited. I researched every manual or regulation I could find about dress code and stuff in the government service. I found that it says in the civil service that with regard to hair, it shall be governed by the internal rules and regulations promulgated by the respective agencies/office. As to our office, there is no such rule or regulation.

So I figured, it was okay. I would not be violating anything. So the next thing I studied was how to do it. I also figured it would be cheaper if I do it at home than have it done at a salon (you know how expensive it is!) I studied it very closely and thoroughly in a way that I can do it successfully in a cheaper way and in the least damaging way possible. All in all, I only spent between 1,100-1,500 pesos to achieve this color at this length and still keep it healthy. And I was successful! It wasn’t perfect (see the colors are not even), but I was really happy. ☺️😊💜 I was very patient with my hair. I did bleach it then rested it for two weeks. Bleached then rested. Bleached then rested, until it’s light enough to have it colored (a total of 6 weeks I think.) I bought hair mask and hair treatment to keep it alive (included in the estimate) so I achieved my violet hair while keeping it healthy.

The first week of going to office with this hair, of course, was fun, and shocking for people. My friends were happy with me and supportive. I was so happy that time. I wake up everyday smiling, filled with joy and ideas of how I can wear my hair. I still got my work done the way I should, everything else is normal and the same, except for my hair. Everyone else also got to do their work the same. I expected also some retaliation. Of course, it’s new! Waaahhh “girl with violet hair!” — stuff like that. But I just laughed at it knowing that I did not violate anything. I tried my best to always keep the mood light when they talk about my hair and I was saying things that they can relate it to like cartoons or anime or kpop, or things that have similar color like rambutan or dragon fruit. Overall, it was a fun week.

The second week, some people started talking to me about changing it back to blonde (I was blonde for a few weeks while I was patient for it to lighten). Some are threatening me that I will receive a memo regarding this. Some are saying it’s bawal daw kasi nasa office ako. It started getting toxic. I know full well I am not violating anything. They also know full well there is no regulation against it. (They tried looking for it too!) When they say “bawal” I just tell them “wala naman pong regulation.” They answer “ehh oo, pero palitan mo na a?” or “first time kasi na may ganyan kaya palitan mo na a?”

Similarly, I was also still able to do my work without my hair affecting my job, or even affecting other people’s jobs. My immediate boss does not really talk to me or react to my hair. She still asks me to work on things to the advancement of our office’s goals and missions. My hair has never been an issue between us.

But gossip still spread like wildfire in the office. I wasn’t speaking much, but the talk continued. By the end of the second week, I’m exhausted from all that I hear. By the end of the week, I received no memo.

Of course, I have a friend I opened this up to because I’m an emotional baby and I would cry about it. I would cry about it because I really love my hair. I would cry about it because I spent so much time and effort and resources in researching, studying, and buying stuff to be able to achieve it. I’m crying over it because I’m not violating anything yet I’m receiving retaliation to the point that people are scaring me to bring it back to normal or blonde out of mere gossip that some people are not fond of it.

My friend, still very supportive and in agreeing that she also does not understand why they are terrorizing me, asked me whether I still think it’s worth it. At that time I answered “YES!” with all vigor because I was just so sure that I wanted this, and it doesn’t really matter because it doesn’t affect my work and the gossip didn’t hurt me too much yet to rid me of my freedom of expression. She’s supportive but worried about me. She knows that I can stand on my decision but worried my emotional self will get hurt by all these.

So I went to office again the third week with purple hair (as you can see I’m interchanging purple and violet in the whole passage because I’m not sure which is which 😂😂), bracing myself for gossip but still keeping my joyous self and keeping my cool. I continued my work, people still stare at me, whisper in my back, and that’s fine with me. I was getting used to my hair being like that that I sometimes forget it’s purple. However, longer (it’s already long) story short, the gossip has gotten worse. And this time, people who were once supportive or once indifferent to my hair color change were suddenly mobbing me. Their comments were loud but without basis. They would say it repeatedly, like a ringing in my head, whenever they see me. Some would even laugh at me, touch my hair then laugh to my face, or even on my back. They would continually scare me saying I would be disciplined, or called to the investigative office, even if I was not violating anything. What they just keep saying is that it’s “bawal” and that it’s the first time they saw something like it in their years of government service.

I felt like I was back in primary school, and in a private one. Which instead of only the kids bullying me, even the teachers are terrorizing me for something I did that wasn’t disallowed in the policy. The people are so loud in my head. They were talking without so much reflection. Was it just out of gossip? Or do they think it’s ugly? Why can’t they just say so? Will the office be hurt? My thoughts were exploding with questions no one provided me the answer to. Imagine one girl against that much noise. Their noise was louder than my hair color, honestly, because people will get used to my hair, but I will forever be marred by how I was bullied by people in my office (AND I’M 24!) It was kind of traumatic. I thought about what my friend asked me: is it still worth it?

So I dyed most of my hair back to a darker color (I left remnants of my colored hair in not-so-seen parts). But I leave these questions for people to reflect on:

* Are we still in a time when hair style, what we wear, or tattoos on our bodies still define how we look at a person? Does it really matter? Does it matter at work? At school?

* How will people be able to express themselves if at the first sight of change, we are hampering it, without understanding it or giving it a chance? Can you imagine how much potential would have occurred or blossomed if we didn’t hamper it?

* Will we keep looking down on youth? Will we always impose hierarchy against young potentials? Will we never open our minds to their views which actually make sense if we just reflect on it?

So I dyed my hair back to dark brown/black. Not because I caved in (or maybe I did). Not for you, but for my peace. I don’t want to go on another day facing judgment and tyranny from people who refuse to open their minds and who I don’t affect AT ALL. I want my peace back.

But I mourn for you. I mourn for all the people who have kept their minds closed. I mourn for all the people who have already experienced such, and I hope that you will not experience it again. I hope your daughters and sons will not experience the same trauma I felt.

I browsed through these edits and, while admiring my hair, I cried a little bit for the people who did not appreciate it and for those against it. I hope I can wake up one day when hair color is no longer an issue in the workplace. And reminder lang din na ang government issues ngayon ay COVID, corruption (pariiiin eh it’s 2020), politicians na hindi nakikinig sa mga taong bumoto sakanila, etc.

Bow. 😊😊😊💜

[hitodama89]

Because I’m still not over what a mind-boggling disaster the whole process of creating that pixel animation from yesterday was, I actually want to share the painful details with you! Which is extremely unprofessional of me, as everyone who has felt any ounce of respect towards me or my art will absolutely lose it hahah, but the good thing is I’m not a professional so it doesn’t matter for real.

So, the beginning part I have already told: I drew the whole thing, looked at it and decided that I actually want to make it look good. There’s really no way to do that in pixel art without putting every shitty little pixel down individually, so that’s the method I used while redrawing 90 % of the thing (only some of the coloring could be saved). During this I redrew Näkki’s braid I think 4 times and the northern lights 2,5 times.

Then I once again looked at it and thought “man, this really would be neat as an animation”. The idea had been in my mind ever since the beginning, but I never intended to truly chase it. Well now I did, but because I’m an idiot the whole thing was on like 3 layers and I had to manually separate elements from each other to make anything work. (During this I actually made a cool discovery though! Gimp usually considers one layer as one frame of animation, but one layer folder is also just one frame! This made things so much easier.) First I made Näkki move, and then I added some slight movement to water, stars and the light effects on the ice. Then it was the northern lights which were really tedious... Because I sort of forgot that I had drawn a separate base form for them that I was supposed to be able to edit easily. Whoops. But what can I say: at this point the whole thing was already in three separate files: the first one contained a non-pixel sketch and reference images, the second one was the actual pixelated piece and the third one, which I was now working with, had the animation. The base was on the second file, so of course I never remembered it existed!

But no matter, the thing was now basically ready to go! So I once again did the mistake of looking at it... And realized the animation wasn’t paced the way I wanted. (This is when I posted the preview image.) Näkki’s breathing looked too fast, and slowing down the whole thing looked just awkward. I was afraid I’d have to make a couple of new frames for it, but after sleeping a night I decided I’d instead duplicate all the frames and make Näkki and the background elements move at different paces. That seemed like a good compromise... In theory. In practice? I would’ve survived with so, so much less if I’d just added the two frames like I originally meant to.

How would I even describe the mess that followed... Even though I had only 3-4 layers in one layer folder (GOD why didn’t I separate things even more than I did?!) some of them had several separate objects moving in different paces. It was a total nightmare and if I had to explain where everything is in like a month, I would likely not understand it even myself. =‘D The stars and the ice effects had three frames that went back and forth and the water had three frames but it looped instead. The northern lights had... Four frames? They also went back and forth, just like Näkki who had only three frames. But Näkki’s frames had a rhythm of 2-2-4 frames instead of the normal 1-1-1. Then there was also Näkki’s breath clouds. First there was maybe 5 frames of them, but when I doubled the frame count I drew more in-betweens for them. In the end it looked off because they were so close to Näkki who moved much slower, so I actually deleted the new frames and made the original ones move on 2-2-2 speed.

At this point I have no idea how many things I had redrawn, because everything was constantly this close to just falling apart, so I had pretty much not enough brain power to keep count of them. But... Somehow I stumbled to the finish line! And saved it as a gif, watched it to see the possible damage the compression had done and... Was fairly satisfied. Except for the color of the sky, which originally had a gradient in it. The gradient absolutely didn’t work with gif palette, so I went back and made the sky colors more flat. Aaand that somehow left some weird stripes of the original sky color into a few frames. Okay, this is fine, I can deal with it. I delete the stripes. Now the water animation is completely fucked up! At this point I was too tired to make the connection between deleting the stripes and the messed up water, so all I could think was that I just hadn’t noticed the thing before and it was actually gif optimization that had done the damage. I go back and basically redo the animation without optimization, which takes about three tries because I am TIRED and always lose a frame or two somewhere and it’s easier to just do the thing over from the beginning than start searching what went wrong and where. Finally all looks as it should! Except now I have to change the sky again. And delete the stripes. And nOW THE WATER IS FUCKED AGAIN.

Now I finally realized that the water actually had some of the same color as the stripes I had deleted, and those pixels got accidentally deleted, too. I laugh and cry and correct my mistake. The thing is fucking finally finished! I go to sleep and decide to return to the shitshow tomorrow.

Next day I come to assess the damage, but fortunately I don’t find much. The most horrifying thing is that when I was already dead tired I had actually overwritten a wrong file at some point, so I had replaced the cryptid animation from last summer with a messed up version of this animation. (It was named “cryptid” and this was “colors”, so they were close to each other.) Thank god I had uploaded it to several places on internet, so I could just download it back to my computer! Besides that the animation still looked decent, but I still decide to fix one little thing with Näkki’s hair. I’ll do it, save it and upload it to dA. And realize I had forgotten to save it as an animation. Thank the merciful gods of the universe I hadn’t shut down Gimp just yet, because if I had done that I would’ve lost... A lot of work and would’ve needed to create the animation for 65674564236145th time.

Soooo yeah, that’s finally it. I saved the thing again as an animation and swore to never look at it too closely again, because doing that is apparently really, really cursed.

The lesson of the day: actually plan your animations in order to not end up like this! =‘‘‘D

[nilxis]

Replies

To these posts: Pictures of Uranesia / I don’t take world requests

1. PICTURES OF URANESIA

@willky12 said:

The water looks like a sea of opals and there are Bromeliads in the trees?  Too special, you know that?

Thank you! I wanted something in between a palm tree and a regular tree, like some kind of dragon tree, and I came up with this :P

@soloriya said:

these colors! ♥ so pretty!

@galadrielhs-simblr said:

wow, color explosion, i love that place soooo♥

@simblu said:

I love when you post pix of this project. So beautiful

@tangie0906 said:

Love the colors so much!

@silverowlblog said:

awesome!!!

2. I DON’T TAKE WORLD REQUESTS

@willky12 said:

People can be very thoughtless, especially if they don't understand the process. Creating worlds like yours are not only time consuming but creatively draining, they are works of art, not just play things. You are entitled to rant but please try to ignore it and know that there are many more people who appreciate what you do and are enjoying following you on this creative journey that is Uranesia, for as long as it takes. :)

Thanks willky :) I’m aware that many of you understand and patiently follow this process and I’m very thankful for that! I won’t let that affect me, I still have a lot of motivation!

@simblu said:

I know how much is involved in this , that's why I was so amazed when Norn volunteered to make a world for the project Satureja and I began on an already existing world. You are just one person working on Uranesia.. this is a tremendous amount of work. We had help building on Saturenorn and still, that project from inception to completion took about a year.  I completely understand your feelings on this. I love seeing your vision unfold! Please continue to follow YOUR desires. Your fun is what is most important!!!

Thank you too simblu, I will! Saturenorn is a very nice example of a great collab :) Over the years I’ve observed myself that I work best on my own, which also has the disadvantage of being slower haha (even though I’m lucky to count on some help for creating sims!). Imagine if on top of that I had to take requests and comissions, it would be crazy!

@kosmokhaos said:

I can only imagine the skill and time it takes to create worlds the way you do. Take your time and just know we appreciate all of your effort! I'm always eager to see your updates :D

Thanks for the support kosmokhaos, I appreciate it very much!

@desiree-uk said:

'Can I have a medium world with all community lots on top, as soon as possible, thanks!' LOL. I'm sorry, I couldn't help myself, I had to laugh when you compared the requests to asking for pizza 😁 Seriously though, you shouldn't have to say this but there are some people who just don't think about the time put into this kind of creativity. And your worlds are on another level! They're amazing and we can see how much you enjoy creating them :) Keep doing what you do! 😊

Thanks desiree :) Some years ago I got this message on my blog: “Can you do a city like mine? Its name is X. You better make it just like the real one, ok? With the X park and the X palace and all that...”. I couldn’t believe my eyes, all I was thinking was “do you also want a drink with your pizza?” hahaha. 

Btw, I’m never able to mention you using the @ symbol, I always have to copy the link manually! Do you know why?

@galadrielhs-simblr said:

I understand you also very good, keep your way and minds about that! Lovely comments like "can you change XY world (i've just finished a few days) and serve us a CC-free world with more bigger lots - that would be nice - cause all your cc in this world seems corrupt - checked with Custard!" makes me really angry and sad. Do i go to defensive, to ignore, to delete that comments ore to drink a whisky on the "rock"? Only once i've build a world on a request, and after i've finished that world, this person never gave an answer, never post a screenshot, never gave a comment - this person was disappeared til today! But before, she constantly stroked honey around my mouth - Long live the consumer society!

Wow, cheeky requests are one thing, but disappearing after someone makes the effort to build a whole world just for you, that’s on a different level. I’m sorry it happened to you. Fortunately most simmers are not like this, but one must be careful with requests. I would only take one if it magically coincided with what I wanted to do, but that keeps changing constantly so it’s kind of impossible.