#i blocked him this morning cuz idgaf and i will talk abt him more
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screaming into the void
#mine#screaming into the void time#i took my space#instantly way less panic but i feel like shit still even after sleeping it off#i think ill hurt them if i stay in the friendships#i did promise im not going anywhere#but maybe its just better not to get close#all my besties are closer to me than most ppl and still theyre not close lol#not even the one i knew for years#tip of the iceberg situation - they only see this tiny bit bc i let them#i was trying to let them in these past weeks#every time i try i go through insane panics#thats not normal#im always like haha im fine UNTIL i want to be close to someone#but it rlly wasnt that bad before#like it would happen sometimes but not this intense#i think it could have sth to do with my ex#i blocked him this morning cuz idgaf and i will talk abt him more#i dont even like him i dont think abt him its been over for long and even the friendship - that just made me mad and then i was fine#but the way he treated me left some very visible marks and by that i mean bro heightened my issues#what wasnt that bad is now downright awful#i didnt run away so obviously this much id just yk 'forget to reply for a day' and then its fine#and i wasnt that scared to take up space and simply exist. sure groups are always rlly hard to navigate for me#but not this much#bc my ex made me feel insane. repulsive. absolutely fucking worthless and boring#he isnt the only perpetrator of these thoughts like i was bullied at school and my family is in fact a dumpster fire#but i took a lot of steps back in healing#i care abt these ppl so damn much#the thought of not having them around makes me rlly sad#but i wouldnt be able to livr with myself if i continued being rlly triggered by them being good ppl every damn time
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