#i blame montessori tbh

[youandthemountains]

xmas shopping for my nephew who's somehow at the age (I didn't even realize this was an age??) where he's like - hyper realistic. dragons aren't REAL. obviously I am not spiderman I am a little boy. animals have to live in a barn. what do I do to counteract this.

[nebulousfishgills]

For the shipping characters ask game... I think you deserve a sexy elf king tbh

I'm pretty sure this was a, like, "ship me with a fictional character" ask game and tbh I'm not mad about this. I get it 👀

(Added a cut for a mini tangent I go on)

I think the most surprising thing for a lot of people to hear would be that my knowledge on the Tolkein/LotR universe is extremely limited. I saw all the Hobbit movies with my dad when those were coming out, I had the book read aloud to me in elementary school (I went to a montessori school so our teachers read books aloud to us for like a half an hour each day from preschool all the way to 6th grade. The Hobbit was either in second or third grade) and that's about it, honestly.

I tried reading Fellowship in middle school but I didn't finish it and I've never seen the LotR movies. I'm one of the biggest nerds ever and I've never seen Lord of the Rings. I know tidbits of the lore through osmosis, of course. I know about the broken toe, for one thing.

I place a large part of the blame on my clingy/slightly obsessive ex boyfriend since he was massively into it (deadass made me a ring in jewelry class that had something written in elvish on it... that was the least of it, trust me) so now I just have this unfortunate association with this person I'd rather not spend much time thinking about. One of these days I'll hopefully just park my ass and watch the movies.

[sometimesabsent]

Soul space

I can tell I haven't been taking enough space for myself lately. I've been distracting myself with small travels, socializing, stress, work. I'm soon starting work as a Montessori teacher assistant for 2-3 year olds!! With all these retrogrades it might not be the best time for a new start, I'm also constantly tired, but I felt like I had to. Maybe because I'm trying to prove to myself that I can. Maybe because I want a schedule, I want to contribute with something and to be in a community of like-minded people. I've set an intention about this a few months ago! My mantra was "I'm working in a harmonious place with authentic people, where I can use my skills to contribute and to help". I tried to visualize it, to really feel it- and it seems to have worked!

I made small rituals of letting go of fears about it. I made this decision consciously and if it doesn't work for me, I'll as consciously quit. I want to explore, I wanted to make a change (I'm also moving to a new city), if I would've stayed in the same space I would've felt really frustrated. Maybe change for the sake of change can also be intertwined with purpose.

I feel really angry lately. Really angry and also turned on, like all my frustrations and impulses came to the surface and they won't let me go back to my safe space again. I do try to get back in there though. I'm overeating again, I gained some weight, the healthy lifestyle plans from the beginning of the year are history. I feel stubborn, frustrated, pissed off, self-righteous and indulgent about my pleasures. I want to enjoy and enjoy and enjoy.

I can tell that I've slipped out of my heart. This anger has kinda taken over. I'm not doing stupid shit because of it, just being more difficult and distant with my family and mostly avoiding interactions with close friends. Everything and everyone annoys me!! It partially feels like a game that I could stop at any time, but in the same time it feels very serious and necessary.

Maybe I'm angry for having stayed attached for so long (9 years) to someone who doesn't want me; for having let myself stepped on, used, ignored (by my childhood best friend, my dad, Cristina, Morco, Isabella) (not blaming them, my passivity and my young-naive-kid behavior are pissing me off); for having given 5 years of my life to a college that didn't nourish my soul in the slightest; for having ignored my attraction to girls for so long; for having considered myself inferior and unworthy of love (still have some anger towards the ones who emotionally deprived me); for judging myself in comparison with other people and not daring to follow my own way, to do what I feel is good for me. FUCK THIS!!!

I like to be alone, I like astrology (fuck me, it feels so good to be able to be authentic, no more meaningless daily interactions at college with brainwashed positivists. See? I could've bee myself with them all along, but I didn't, I was too afraid or ashamed), I like girls, I'd rather do something for myself than for someone else. These are all truths for me.

I'm pissed off at my friends as well; when I feel that our friendship is just a huge stagnating game (with Adina; I'm sick of being coddled by her and I'm pissed off by her health complaints, her small interests, her and her friend's self-indulgent lifestyle) (as I am by my own- see, the self-hate game); when I'm tired of their emotional immaturity (Paul), their pretentious analysis of my psyche (Shane); I'm done with Isabella, at least that, I don't know how long I could've tolerated her anymore. I don't feel particularly kind nowadays. Yesterday I felt like beating dad up, I'm immensely pissed off at how he's so apparently spiritual and wise but he knows shit about himself, he doesn't see his emotional reactions, his defensiveness, addictions, vulnerability, he just covers them with philosophy. I'm fucking tired of listening to his bullshit. With mom I feel little emotional connection nowadays and my expectations of closeness and understanding are gone. It's a relief, no more neediness, yet in the same time I feel like I'm living with two strangers sometimes.

I'm dramatizing, I love them; but right now I need to find my own way. I guess this is what this anger's all about. Beyond all the blaming, which I know is a game (that I have to play to blow off some steam), I feel a deep need to trust myself, my path, the world. To stand alone and to truly connect. But mostly to stand alone right now.

It feels like a cold time, I don't identify with love, self-love, self-compassion, idealistic quotes about the universe; I want something more tangible, more practical and real. Maybe it has something to do with this abundance of Earth energy (Virgo, Saturn in Capricorn, Uranus in Taurus); I think there's even a Grand Earth Trine tomorrow! I'm tired of coddling myself and others, daydreaming, being addicted to fantasies, getting lost in fiction. I want to do something real and good, I want to work, experience, grow, while at the same time taking care of the one thing I found I truly need- solitude involving reflection, yoga, nature, shamanic journeys. That's the plan right now.

Tbh I'm not worrying about the weight issue. I feel like it will solve itself as I do my thing. I'll soon get the impulse to regulate my lifestyle better, again- then I'll follow it- then I'll slip- and so on, until something will crack or fall into place, my attitude will shift, the world will be a different place, and the whole cycle will start again, but this time on a plane that's a lil higher. That's all.

Long-term I want an astrology site and small business, but not right now. Maybe not even this year. I was thinking of a blog with general astro stuff, joined by a Facebook page where I post daily or weekly updates with cool pics. Maybe told in the form of stories. Maybe in a symbolic manner, using shamanic journeys or visions- I have trouble with interpretations anyway, maybe because I rely on logic too much and I get stuck. Maybe also an Instagram page with updates! Ahhh

While I keep studying - astro, dreams, tarot :)

And appreciate what is.

It's a fun process.

Wow I wrote so much!!

🌹🥀🌹🥀🌹🥀

[amillionsmiles]

Writing Meme

 tagged by @kcgane , thanks love !!! <3

1) How many works do you currently have in progress?

finishing up the last chapter of my plance multichap, then I have 2 other plance fics in the works, so 3 atm! :)

2) Do you/would you write fanfiction?

me, completely ironically: fanfic? i don’t know her 

3) Do you prefer paper books or ebooks?

Ideally paper books, but then I run into the issue of where to store them/how to pack them up later, so most of the time I end up reading ebooks. When I get the chance to visit libraries or book stores though I love taking stuff down from the shelf and just curling up with them and reading. 

4) When did you start writing?

gosh since like ??? kindergarten? I went to a montessori school from 1st to 3rd grade and we had a single computer in the corner that you had to book for time and I just. monopolized it. my very first “book” was some shitty knockoff of the magic tree house but my librarian was literally the sweetest person ever and helped me print it and everything so I just kept going, in 3rd grade my teacher let me set up my own “shelf” where people could check out my books for silent reading time like. wow what an ego trip tbh 

5) Do you have someone you trust that you share your work with?

all my discord pals !!! and then I’m lucky enough to have a best friend who reads my stuff even though he’s like not even that involved in fandom or the characters LMAO

6) Where is your favourite place to write?

I surprisingly write really well during road trips like.... I think there are two or three stories I’ve knocked out while in the backseat of a car, but this isn’t true to me for all travel, since I just can’t write on airplanes for whatever reason.  Other than that I’ll write at my desk or in my bed!

7) Favorite childhood book

honestly there were so many formative series for me like. Gregor the Overlander? Charlie Bone? but tbh the one book that I have reread an embarrassing amount of times is Witch of Blackbird Pond. it’s like the opposite of any book I ever thought I’d be interested in (Puritan new england ??? half of it is just like, farming ???) but 5th grade me was 100% in love with Nathaniel Eaton and what he had going with Kit and I blame him for every fixation I’ve had with sailor boys in literature since.

8) Writing for fun or writing for publication?

Poetry I think I’ve always written geared toward publication/performance, writing for me is a bit more fluid.  I don’t know, I grapple with it a lot because I’d love love love to be a YA novelist, just coming of age stories and that whole time of growth resonate so strongly with me, but I feel like most of my excitement and inspiration usually ends up directed toward fanfic, so I’ve been trying to figure that out!

9) Pen and paper or computer?

computer (i’m in love with scrivener but my free trial is almost up so if anyone has a promo/discount code hmu please ;_____;). It just gives me the most flexibility in terms of arranging drafts. I also write in a very segmented manner where I usually get down things in scene chunks and then frankenstein them together, so I feel like the computer is more conducive to that.

10) Have you ever taken any writing classes?

I’m in a creative writing class rn, which has been fun! 

11) What inspires you to write?

everything, but especially interesting places and people/professions, weird or funny experiences, other books and movies (I adore AUs with every fiber of my being so I’m always thinking about how other content I’ve consumed can map to whatever characters I’m currently obsessed with). lines from poetry or songs.  For fanfic I usually get stuck with a certain mental image, line, or one of those sound-bite summaries and then try to flesh things out from there. I also love framing and motifs as a rhetorical device so like. 9 times out of 10 in a longer fic of mine you’re gonna have some certain image or idea that comes up again and again LOL

tagging: @phaltu , @spacetravels , @agrestenoir , @breeeliss, @oldmythos if you’d like !!! :)