#i blame college for giving me a ton of work that i dont remember what i do in my free time

[jennortegas]

☕ your opinion on me. ( Yes, I know this question is stupid.)

We haven't really talked before (unless we have and im just really stupid if so please call me a forgetful dummy but either way do not hesitate to send asks or messages!) but I appreciate you truly especially because you are a fan of them valeska boys whom I love with all my heart maybe favortism towards jerome but that's besides the point . Anyways, I think you're great and I hope you're having a good day💖💖💖

Send me a ☕️ and a topic and I’ll talk about how I feel about it lol

[mattygraygubler]

our campus: ch 9 (tom holland fic)

summary: tom and reader go to the same college and y/n is tasked with being his tutor, they don’t really get along at first (because i love reader and tom hating each other trope)

warnings: drinking, making out, mentions of sex

word count: 2k

a/n: i had a hard time finishing this one, i wanted it to be longer butttttttttttt here we are, as always texts are bolded

for a list of characters click here

to be added to the tag list send me an ask !

masterlist

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“Wha- What did you just say?” You asked, looking at Tom. He was staring into your eyes. 

“I dare you,” He said and stood up, walking over to you. “To kiss me.” 

“Tom!” You said and took a step back, almost falling because of how drunk you were. “We’re drunk, that’s a terrible idea.” 

“Why?” He asked. “Who cares if we’re drunk?” 

“Tom, no, I can’t be one of your… one of your-” 

“One of my what?” 

“Your hoes, your conquests! I’m not that type of girl anymore, you can’t sleep with me once and forget about me, I’m your tutor, you have to see me, if we sleep together it’ll just be-”

“Whoa.” Tom said and stepped back. “Who said I wanted to sleep with you?” 

“What?” 

“I dared you to kiss me, Y/N, I never said anything else.” 

“It’s you, Tom, you don’t kiss girls without an ulterior motive, you’re like, the definition of a fuckboy.” 

“Whatever, Y/N, I’ll see you later.” He said with a huff, grabbed his stuff and walked out, slamming the door behind him. 

You collapsed on your floor, hugging your knees. The world was spinning, you had drank too much. You debated texting your group chat, but you couldn’t remember where you put your phone. 

* * *

You woke up on your floor. You were too drunk to make it to your bed last night, despite it being two feet away. 

It was Monday, normally you would be in class right now, but the snow storm gave you guys a snow day. You looked outside to see the snow coming down hard. If it continued like this, you could have another snow day tomorrow, too. 

You heard your phone buzzing and found it under your bed. You had a ton of unread messages, and a new group chat that consisted of you, Isabelle, Ally, Emily, Harrison, Cal, and, you guessed it, Tom. Emily was definitely the culprit, she loved making new group chats. 

snow day gang

Em

i decided we needed a gc

Harrison

I fully support this 

Em

anyway i heard from one of my friends who works for the dean that its almost certain we have a snow day tomorrow too! so what time do you guys wanna start drinking

Cal

whenever works for us, but Isabelle is still asleep

jk shes waking up now

Al

im up

who tf let me drink that much damn

anyone heard from Y/N or tom?

Harrison

tom is in the bed next to me, he came back about 15 minutes after we did and passed out

not sure about Y/N

Iz

she drank more than any of us, shes probs still asleep

Cal

send tom when he wakes up to check on her

Harrison

hes awake but he just left

Cal

to check on Y/N?

Harrison

doubtful.

Cal

dont tell me hes in a bad mood again

Al

you guys do know hes in this chat right?

Em

whatevs what time are we partying

Iz

depends on when Y/N wakes up 

You scrolled through and weren’t surprised that Tom hadn’t answered, or that he was in a bad mood. You turned him down, and he’s definitely not used to girls not wanting to fuck him. You debated ignoring them, but knew if you did that someone would definitely come knocking down your door and you for sure didn’t want that. 

You

yeah come over at like 7

im going back to bed dont txt

You immediately left the group chat and crawled into bed, your body still exhausted from last night. 

* * * 

Isabelle, Ally, and Cal walked in carrying a few bottles of wine and bags of chips. They made themselves comfortable and Ally searched your bookcase for your poker chips. You waited a while, sitting on the floor in a circle as you shuffled the cards. 

10 minutes later the door opened again and Harrison physically pushed Tom into the room, with Emily following closely behind. 

“Y/N,” Emily said sweetly, “Can I talk to you for a second?” You got up quizzically. She gestured to the bathroom, so you went inside only to find Harrison pushing Tom in after. 

“HEY!” You yelled and banged on the door. It couldn’t be locked from the outside, but they had pushed the couch up against the door so you couldn’t get out. 

“We’ll let you out once you’ve stopped being mad at each other.” Harrison said. 

“We like hanging out all together and we aren’t gonna let you two ruin it with your stubbornness!” Emily added on. You sat on the floor, your back against the door. Tom was sitting on the toilet, head in his hands. 

“Do they have to shout, for god's sake, I’m still hungover.” He mumbled. 

“The least you could’ve done was give us some booze,” You said with a bang on the door. 

“You can drink when you’re done fighting.” Emily called back. They then turned the music up loud, which you were kind of grateful for. The bathroom door was thin and if you did end up talking, you didn’t want them overhearing. 

“We should probably-” 

“You hurt my feelings.” He said and looked at you. That was the last thing you were expecting. 

“What did I do to hurt your feelings?” 

“What you said about me being with so many different girls. We’re friends and I wasn’t trying to sleep with you, and it hurt my feelings that you assumed that.” 

“Well you asked to kiss me, so can you blame me for assuming that?!”

“It was a GAME Y/N! Relax, god, why do you take everything so seriously?” 

“I don’t!” 

“Yes, you do! You’re incapable of fucking around, you can’t even kiss someone without turning it into this big thing! You’re not even my type for fucks sake. You take everything so fucking seriously, it’s exhausting being your friend.” You were both standing now, getting closer to each other with every shout. 

“I do not.” You said. 

“Prove it.” He said and that smirk was back on his lips. 

You did the first thing that came to your mind. You kissed him. To prove it meant nothing to you. 

At first he was shocked with what you were doing, but soon he was wrapping his arms around your waist, pulling your body against his and slipping his tongue into your mouth. You felt his hands on your hip bones, pushing your body against the cold tile wall. 

You made out with him for just a few more seconds before grabbing his shoulders, flipping the two of you so he was against the wall, and pulling away. 

“I told you.” You said with a smile, your face still mere inches from him. “See? Meant nothing.”

You turned and pounded on the door saying “Guys! We figured it out, I promise.” A few seconds later the couch was pulled away and you were leaving the room, Tom following you. 

“So did you guys make up?” Emily asked. 

“What?! No!” Tom said defensively. 

“Idiot, she said make up. Yes, we are no longer feuding.” 

Your friends each sent you a look, saying that they knew exactly what must’ve happened in that bathroom that you were hiding. 

“Let’s play some poker.” You said and sat as far away from Tom as you could as Cal dealt the cards. 

* * *

It was late when your friends were leaving. You did indeed have another snow day, which was really nice. Everyone left but Tom. 

“I figured we should actually talk.” Tom said. “Plus I didn’t give Harrison and Emily any time last night and he was real pissed, so if it’s ok, I wanna give them some space.”

“That’s fine.” You said and pulled your legs underneath you. You were sitting on the corner of the couch, with Tom on your bed. “What did you want to talk about?” 

“That kiss, for starters.” 

“That kiss meant nothing, I was just fucking around like you said. No big deal.” You thought you saw a sad look on his face, but you must’ve been imagining it. 

“Good because if you catch feelings for me, we’re gonna have a problem.” He said in his best ‘tough guy’ voice. You laughed. 

“Relax, Holland, you’re the last person on earth I would ever have feelings for.” 

“Good.”

“Good.”

“Fine.”

“Fine.” You were silent for a few minutes. “And I’m sorry.” You said breaking the silence. 

“For what?” 

“For what I said last night. That wasn’t fair to you. What you do with women is none of my business, you’re a good friend and that’s all that matters.” You smiled at him. 

“Thanks. You’re forgiven.” He responded.

“Good, or else it would be really awkward having to spend time together while you were sexiled.” He laughed, which made you smile. You loved his laugh, the way his eyes scrunched together and he shook his head from side to side. 

“Should we watch a movie?” You asked. 

“Sure.” He said and patted the bed next to him. 

“Uhm, I’m gonna put on some PJs.” You said, despite being in comfortable clothes. Maybe you wanted to fuck with him, maybe you wanted to seduce him, maybe you just wanted to change. Maybe all of the above. 

You went to your dresser, your back to the bed and Tom. You pulled your sweatshirt off, tossing it to the side. You unclipped your lace bralette and slid it off your arms slowly. You found a tank top and put it on.

You slipped your sweats off, and you had just a pair of boy shorts on underneath. You turned back and saw Tom staring at you. 

You didn’t acknowledge him, you just climbed onto the bed next to him and grabbed the TV remote so you could watch a movie. 

“God, you’re insufferable, Y/N.” 

“What do you mean?” You said innocently as you scrolled through netflix. 

“You know exactly what I’m talking about.” 

“No I don’t.” 

“That outfit?” 

“What about it? It’s just pajamas. Besides, you said I’m not your type, you really shouldn’t have any problem with it.”

“That doesn’t mean...”

“What?” You asked.  

“I’m still a guy.” He said. 

“Really?” You mocked. 

“Yes, god Y/N, stop being ridiculous.” 

“I really have no idea what you’re talking about.” You said as you picked a chick flick, To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before. 

“Fine, Y/L/N.” He said. He pulled his shirt off quickly and you found yourself staring as he flexed his abs. He pulled his gray sweatpants down so they were sitting low on his hips and he ran his hand through his hair. 

“What?” He said, mocking you now. 

You took a deep breath, sticking out your chest as you did so, trying to get back at him. 

“Are you cold?” He asked genuinely a few moments later. You nodded, it was as if he was reading your mind. “Here,” he said and pulled the comforter from underneath you and then threw it over the two of you. 

“You know,” you said after a few minutes. “I’m still a little chilly.” You scooted closer to Tom, who you weren’t previously touching. You leaned on him, putting your leg in between his and your hand on his chest. You let out a little sigh, and you could tell you were driving him crazy. 

His arm was around you now and you felt it travel down your back, resting on your ass. 

“Can’t keep your hands to yourself, Holland?” You teased. 

“Force of habit.” He muttered, but kept his hand where it was. 

You started to feel the alcohol taking over. He was so warm, and so close… 

You put the thought to the back of your mind and tried to focus on the movie. Before you realized it, you were slowly closing your eyes, leaning onto Tom for warmth. You got closer still, your bodies completely entangled, and he didn’t pull away. 

He should’ve pulled away. 

[starlight-fires]

ok first thank you a lot and second i just started my junior year of high school and im really really stressed and i dont know what to do, like i have a ton of work already but i feel like im not doing enough bc there's people who are taking more college credit classes than me and theyre all learning to drive and getting jobs and i did nothing all summer and im sorry this probably wasn't what you were expecting (1)

(2) and i also feel just a lot of pressure bc idk what im gonna do in college or later, and i just feel kind of mad and upset bc my parents acted like they'd support me no matter what i did and then my dad told me straight to my face to stop w all that bc it was dumb and like, they think im just a lazy piece of nothing but i can't really blame them bc i don't feel comfortable talking to them about anything ik this got angsty you don't have to respond if u don't want to

Okay im not sure im necessarily the best person to give out advice but darling we all do things at our own pace,we all do things at the best of our abilities and we shouldnt compare ourselves to other people,which is hard af i know it,like im the queen of comparing myself to others but this is also why i know it amounts to nothing,we can never be that other person,there will always be someone thats better than us,there will always be someone thats worse than us and we just gotta focus on being our personal best. Second, doing good in highschool is really not that good of a prediction of how you are gonna do in the future,when I was in hs i was on the best 5% of my school ,im the person who got the highest score on the university admission test we have in my country out of my whole family and also friends and then i got into college and one i relaized that what i wanted to study at first wasnt what i really wanted to study and then when i got into whate i really wanted i failed two classes on my first year ,which was sad and devastating and damn i survives and did much better the second time around and the world didnt end like i felt it would,i felt so dumb but i just went ahead and did things again and it was better i understood more,i learnt more and i discovered some things about myself too. The driving thing i dont even know what to tell you about cause im gonna be 22 in like two weeks and i dont know how to drive and everyone ia pressuring me to do it but i honestly dont feel ready so i just wont do it cause i know it wouldnt go well,qnd thats okay we all have our own times and tahts super valid dont let anyone tell you otherwise.

About not knowing what you want to do,you have time you honestly do, theres still some time and yiu can just explore options, see what comes,i was sooo sure for most of my life what i wanted and then i just realized that it wasnt for me,that it wasnt what i really wanted to do with my life and now im in smth i enjoy studying but i dont really know what i wanna do when i have to work and thats cool,all my profs tell me that theres a world of possibilities out there and we will find what we need and want eventually you dont really gotta pressure yourself for this , you can go and find some vocational advice,you can ask yourseld what you really like to do,what you picture yourself doing and eventually you'll get there I have faith in this.

I'm sorry about your parents,I'm very soret they arent supportive you deserve better than this and all of the support. I hope things get better in that aspect ans maybe there xan be better communication bc for what you tell me it doesnt seem like they are open for it.

Well this is long af and im sorry for everyone else but idk how to put a read more on mobile so fuck it. I just hope you feel better soon and remember that its okay really to not know sometimes and that you shouldnt compare yourself to others cause that never goes to nice places and i very hope i helped even the smallest bit,you can come here whenever you feel like it really.

[justanoutlawfic]

You’ll Be In My Heart: Chapt. 2

Summary: Robin explains his proposition to Regina.

Also on AO3

It had been 5 years since Robin had seen Regina Mills. She had worn suits every day over the year long court battle and always looked so put together, despite having a toddler at home. He always commended her for that. She seemed so strong, until the verdict that was. He watched her break down into Daniel’s arms, looking more devastated than he had ever seen anyone.

 Now, she looked a lot more relaxed. She was wearing a pair of lounge pants and a long-sleeved shirt, her hair shorter. God, she was more beautiful than she had any right to be.

 “I don’t understand,” Regina said, pulling him out of his thoughts. “I tried for over a year to get him back. It’s impossible.”

“A lot has changed.” He stuffed his hands into his pockets. “I’ve been taking care of Henry for the past 4 years.”

Regina tilted her head. “I don’t understand. Emma was the one that got custody after the case.”

“Emma died a year after the verdict.”

 Regina’s eyes widened and she stepped away from the door, gesturing for him to come inside. He stepped into the house, looking around the comfortable yet meticulously decorated living room. On the mantle piece above the fire place were a few pictures, some of her and Henry, but most of just him. He had never seen baby pictures of his nephew. It was hard to think that he had once been a squishy little baby. In the pictures where he was held by his former adoptive mother, he was looking at her with all the love in the world.

 “What happened?” Regina asked.

“It was a car accident, her and my mom were in Spain together.”

“Was Henry with them? Is he alright?”

Robin had to hold back a laugh. There was so much he wanted to tell Regina, but his lawyer had advised him against it. “No, Henry was with my sister in California at the time. Emma barely took care of him anyway.”

Hurt filled Regina’s eyes and he couldn’t blame her. “So, you have custody of him now?”

“That’s the problem. After the accident, my father was given guardianship, but he was barely around to take care of him. Mary Margaret was doing her best to help, but she was just starting college. So, I took over. Henry lives with me.”

“I’m still a bit confused where I come in.”

 Robin sighed. Admitting his faults wasn’t his strong suit, he was pretty sure it wasn’t anyone’s.

 “Henry is a very smart little boy. He’s the type to do tons of research and ask for help when it comes to answers he can’t find. We spend a lot of time reading books or going over Google.” He let out a tiny chuckle. “I’ve learned more with him, than I did over my 4 years at Vassar.”

Regina shifted uncomfortably. It should’ve been her bragging about his accomplishments and he knew that. “That’s great.”

“The thing is, he’s starting to remember things. A lot of it is hazy. He can’t remember Emma at all, but he talks about you.”

“Me?”

“He says he remembers crying and holding onto a woman with dark hair. That you gave him lots of kisses and told him it’d be okay.”

Regina bit her lip. “That was the day he was taken away from me.”

“I figured. He’s been asking about why we don’t have baby pictures of him and where he was those first few years. I’ve done my best to explain. I’ve been doing my best period, but I know that Henry needs more than me, he needs a mother. Not just any mother…he needs you.”

“Well, that’s what I argued for two years. Your family didn’t care, they ripped him from me.”

“They were wrong. Mary Margaret and I tried to talk some sense into them, but nothing worked. You have to believe me, I never wanted this.”

“I don’t see how I can help you. What are you trying to say? You want to convince Leopold to give me custody? He wouldn’t do that 5 years ago. What’s going to change now?”

Robin let out a deep breath. “I’ve been fighting for the past couple of years for my father to let me adopt Henry. He’s called me “Dad” a few times and I can tell he wants to on a permanent basis. The issue is, Leopold doesn’t think that I can do it alone. He’s old fashioned, extremely so. Even though he’s a single man, he knows that one day he’ll die. He wants Henry to have a mother and a father, like he would’ve had if my mom hadn’t died alongside Emma.”

“So…what are you trying to say?”

“If we got married, he’d let us both adopt him.”

 Regina’s mouth dropped open and for the first time since he met her, she truly seemed speechless. He couldn’t blame her, he knew that this wasn’t the most conventional way. Robin had gone over it a million times in his head before he decided to open up this can of worms. He wanted to do the right thing for Henry and this was the only way he was going to be able to do it.

 “Marry you?” Regina asked incredulously after the shock wore off. “I barely even know you. I hate your family.”

“I know, and I don’t blame you. I’m not doing this for me, I wouldn’t expect us to even share a bed. It’s all for Henry.”

“You honestly think your father is going to let me adopt him again? After everything he did to take Henry from me?”

“I’ve discussed it with him. It was never about you, he didn’t want to hurt you and Daniel personally…”

“Well, he did! This entire thing ruined my marriage. I’m assuming you know that, or else you wouldn’t be here.”

Robin sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. “I hired a private investigator to look into you. I’m aware.”

“Of course.”

“Look, Leopold isn’t a great guy and that’s why I took Henry. He’s getting sicker by the day and I know he doesn’t have much longer. I want him to consent to the adoption before he dies, or else there’s going to be an uphill battle. He’s made it clear if I don’t get married before he dies, Henry will go with Mary Margaret and her husband. Which I know they would do, but it’s not what they want. They’re still young, not even ready for kids of their own, let alone an 8-year-old.”

 Robin could tell that Regina was actually considering it, which both surprised him and didn’t at the same time. He wasn’t asking for himself, he was asking for the little boy that they both clearly loved with everything in him.

“You’re sure your father approves of me?”

“He knows at this point, he can’t be choosey.”

She rolled her eyes. “Gee, thanks.”

“You know what I mean. Look, I love Henry. As much as I wish they hadn’t taken him from you, he’s become my entire world. If I lost him…I don’t know what I’d do.”

“Well, I already did.”

“And this is your chance to get him back. This marriage doesn’t even have to be forever. It’s just until my dad dies, then we can work out custody and all of that.”

“You’d be willing to split custody with me?”

“It’d kill me not to see him every day, but I want to do what’s right for him. That starts by marrying you.”

 Robin reached into his pocket, pulling out the black velvet box that had been burning a hole in it the 5-hour flight. He knew it was a long shot, but he had to pray that it would work. Flipping open the box, he revealed the diamond that he had selected.

 “Regina Mills, will you do me the honor of becoming my nephew’s mother…again?”

[kitaryu]

an open letter @osavior

firstly, i want to make it very clear that my intention in this post is not to attack daisy, also known as the popular mercy blog osavior (previously valkiriya, and serenidae before that), but rather to spread the truth. the intention of this post isn’t to hurt her, but to increase the awareness of people who have no idea what she’s done and decide for themselves what to do from there. all urls, names, discord tags, and aliases shown here are done so with permission - those that requested anonymity were blocked out. colors remain consistent with people throughout all screencaps, so as not to confuse anyone. in this post ill be discussing how daisy has directly catfished mun photos, lied about being a med student, potentially lied about her age, potentially lied about having cancer, manipulated several people and tried to turn multiple unaffiliated people against each other.

before i get into the details, i want to establish that i considered myself very close friends with daisy some time ago (here is proof, if you need it. there are posts upon posts upon posts of interaction both ic and ooc between us in which we both make our affiliation with each other very clear). therefore, none of this is shown out of any sort of petty jealousy towards her, but rather as a way to open peoples’ eyes. whether you choose to continue interacting with her or not is up to you, but please at least keep this post in mind. with that being said, let’s continue:

catfishing

beginning with the most concrete claim, multiple people have said that daisy has posted fake images of herself. in fact, she took it from specific sources, which i will provide in a moment. while i couldnt find any posts of her putting up her “mun pictures” (i believe she deleted them after people mentioned it), many who there at the time can confirm that she did post pictures. for those of you that remember, here is @beijide​ (andy) finding the source she took her pictures from:

andy isn’t the only person who saw them, however. multiple people mentioned it:

we’ll come back to the last screenshot later, but here are four people specifically who remember her using the photos from this instagram and this pinterest, run by the same person. you can ask any of the three of us who have opted out of anonymity if you want to confirm that she posted those photos, or anyone else who remembers it. “but, wait,” you might say. “what if daisy really is the person who runs this blog?”

at first, it’s easy to say that she is. after all, her area of living, according to her old skype account, is the same as this woman’s. however, the owner of mod med blog’s real name is mary ella wood, very publicly announced. it’s no secret. daisy’s real name, however, is leonie - a name she used to go by, back when i first met her in october of 2016 (she gave herself an alias after a little while and then changed it multiple times afterward). what’s more, daisy claims to be a medical student. what kind of medical student has enough time to run a popular instagram, pinterest, and on top of that, a very powerful roleplay blog for tumblr? i think i’ve made my case for this part.

lying about education and potentially age

well, just because she lied about her photos doesn’t mean she lied about being a medical student - but there is evidence to support this, as well.

a year ago, when i spoke to daisy on a daily basis, she said that she was six years into med school:

only a little while before this, she claimed to be graduating in about a year:

please note the date on this screencap. october 20, 2016, she says she has about a year left. at the time of posting this, it is november 10, 2017, and her rules, which have only recently been updated (as she just remade her blog within the past few days) claim that she is still a full-time college student:

the text on this is very small, but it says: “gonna make this short and simple.

i’m a full time college student. i will not always be active !”

she also claims to be 20 years old at the time, so 21 now:

however, if daisy was in med school for 6 years as of the time she sent these messages, that means that she started med school when she was fourteen years old...which is literally impossible. so, how old is she?

honestly speaking, i don’t know how old she is. however, she has given some unintentional hints.

in the last screencap, daisy is talking about her mom asking when she’ll get married. so, we know that her older half sister is 20, so she can’t be any older than that, which proves that she can’t possibly be a med student in her 6th year of college.

but just because she isn’t in her 6th year doesn’t mean she’s not a med student at all. however, her work ethic doesn’t at all match what is required out of a med student:

but, wait, that doesn’t sound right. typically, med students are known for being hard workers - and there’s a reason for that.

remember where she said that her gpa and grades were terrible? yeah. i dont have any way to specifically disprove her being a med student (though she can’t be in her sixth year) but at this point, it’s very doubtful.

manipulation and hypocrisy

now that i’ve proven the basics about her, let’s move on. there is so much to talk about here, and honestly speaking, this section and the last are the main points of the whole post - because the body count of daisy’s grasp is terribly large, to the point where i have counted 9 personal victims, including myself, and that’s just who i know about.

so, let’s begin with her direct manipulation:

she was talking about playing heroes of the storm here, because oni genji had just been released, back when he was a promotional event exclusive. this is pretty direct, honestly, because it’s so passive aggressive it hurts - but i had just gotten home from a marching band competition. i was really tired.

don’t get me wrong, wanting attention and nice comments once in a while is fine. there’s nothing wrong with that. but getting upset because you specifically asked for compliments? baiting me to send you compliments? what’s even worse is that multiple people sent things, and were often ignored:

i would send things, too. i sent a lot of nice things, and she would ignore them and then say that no one sent anything.

i poured so much love into my relationship with daisy. i absolutely adored her, and i told her that all the time, over skype, over asks, anon and not. i wrote with her every day, i spoke to her every day, i talked about headcanons and life stuff and shared my joy and pain with her, because i loved daisy. she was one of my best friends for a long time, and as much as i would like to say that maybe, she was just venting to me, she made her feelings very personal. so...

...how in the world did she get this idea? why did she think it was okay to make this personal? it definitely seems like she was trying to get me to talk to her more, or maybe even to only talk to her. i dont know.

she had been baiting me to ask what was wrong for about five minutes if i remember correctly, and then in an effort to respect her privacy, i let her be, and offered my support in case she needed it, where she instantly took the opportunity to complain about how little i spoke to her despite the fact that i spoke to her on a daily basis. whats more, a large portion of my inactivity when it came to speaking to people was that i was constantly exhausted because of marching band, and also because i had so little time outside of it.

i’ll address it more in the next section, but this mercy (we’ll call them red) was constantly under daisy’s scrutiny. on top of that, she was very subtly hinting two things - the first being that i shouldnt even so much as think about complimenting another mercy, and the second being that i should give her compliments, instead.

why is she trying to act like i’m some sort of popular jock here? daisy has always been a more popular blog than me. and that never really bothered me, because i liked her, at the time, but i still have no idea what sorts of “things i was included into,” because there really wasn’t...anything. i’d play overwatch a lot with my friends, but that was genuinely about it, and was more due to the fact that i played the game every day, with or without people to play with me.

as for the shipping, i never even had that many ships. i had one with her, one with bibi, one with michael, and before she deleted her widow, one with tay...and thats really it. she shipped a lot more often than i did, but she would drop her ships and blame it on the other person (which i’ll get to here soon). daisy has been through tons of ships and i spoke to a good amount of people she used to ship with when gathering information for this post. they were the ones abandoned.

not only does this imply that she’s a perfect angel who is wronged for no reason, but it also shoves the idea that you dont have the right to unfollow people for whatever you wish. you are under no obligation to keep following people. even if there is no reason at all to unfollow someone, that is your choice. you do not have to follow anyone you dont want to follow.

this was honestly one of the most direct and passive aggressive things she ever sent to me. i was tired, i had just woken up from about an hour (i think) accidental nap after a stressful day of marching band (which was always very tiring), i was very groggy, and she had the gall to say this right to my face.

its still so strange to me. i remember being confused when she said this, but i didnt say anything...but i have never heard anyone say anything like this. more often, youre asked how you cant like children, or told its different when theyre your own, or told that you will learn to like them and change your mind.

this is still confusing considering the fact that daisy has been arguably the most popular blog in the fandom for a very long time. tons of people liked her, and i know i, at least, absolutely adored her. plus, no one, from my knowledge, has ever called her crazy. no one has called her deranged.

probably the most ironic thing she ever said to me? this. because, i dont know how many of you are aware of this, but daisy dropped me. she quite directly replaced me for another genji blog because i “wasnt active” even though i actually was on this blog, slowly coming back to it with some lowered amounts of replies because i was a week from graduating high school and my focus was more on that than on doing my drafts. and she didn’t just do this to me - she did it to multiple people, as i’ll touch on later in this post. here is what it looked like when daisy dropped me:

considering daisy was always going on about how she didnt want people to replace her, this is pretty obviously hypocritical.

she was talking about people who had dropped me as mains before, here. she says here that i was the longest friend she had and her favorite and her number one (while dropping me? lmao) but after this conversation, she talked to me exactly once, one message, and she never spoke to me again. she never tried. she deleted me off of skype (i never deleted her, so while i cant message her on skype, i still have access to everything we said over it) and we unfollowed each other on tumblr after some time and we never spoke again.

this is the one and only time ill say this publicly: daisy was the reason i went on an indefinite hiatus. i was tired of being dropped (it was the third time i had been dropped so that someone could main another genji, or at least it seemed that way at the time) and it hurt me a lot. i was tired of it. i was tired of getting replaced over and over again.

daisy was talking about how she didnt ever have a real relationship (romantically) and when i tried to explain to her that romance is glorified and she shouldnt value herself based on that, she turned my words completely around. my mom used to do this all the time when i lived with her. it is extremely manipulative.

the funny thing about her trying to convince me to send her stuff here is that i basically liked every one of her starter calls. i would send her almost every meme. i would give her anons and talk to her all the time. she would constantly get things from other people and ignore them:

and then she would complain about people not sending things.

she only apologized for things she said to me when looking for attention for it, or at least it seemed that way. she would purposely say shes not okay vaguely so that i would ask her what was wrong and comfort her, which is the same problem im currently having with someone else - but that’s a different situation.

daisy used her illness as an excuse all the time. she would blame anything toxic or manipulative that she was called out for on her bpd, and the only time she apologized for anything, it was extremely self-deprecating - she clearly wanted me to pity her, despite the fact that she had just fucked me over.

and then there’s this. daisy spoke about this a lot - basically, any d.va ship was considered borderline pedophilia to her. she wanted people to tag their ships with large age gaps, but really, considering she was okay with around a 20-30 year age gap between mercy and soldier but not with a 7 year age gap between d.va and lucio, it was less about age gaps and more about d.va specifically. in fact, she specifically mentioned in her rules that she wanted any and all d.va ships tagged, but didnt specify anything else at all. and considering she claims to be only a year older than d.va? considering daisy was talking to an eighteen-year-old? d.va is a fully matured adult, whether she still occasionally acts immaturely or not. ffs she is in the south korean military. she has a career, and one that requires a lot of mental preparation, at that.

before her mental illness is used as a shield for her, however, whether by her or anyone else, please read this post and this post.

potentially lying about cancer

daisy never spoke often about this, so i’m not entirely certain, but there are definitely things that dont add up here. remember the mention of skin cancer earlier?

well, i always felt it too personal to ask her more about cancer, but out of everything she told me of her own volition, daisy did tell me a few things that didn’t quite make sense.

she is pretty clearly saying that she’s had chemotherapy here. she says she had cancer.

i dont know about most people, but when i had a benign tumor in my brain and needed neurosurgery to remove it (a pituitary adenoma, for those of you who know what that is. my case was apparently extremely rare because it was a tumor inside of a cystic mass, but it was necrotic and not cancerous), i was not okay with tumor jokes. it took a year and a half, maybe two years, for my parents to stop joking about it, and i wasn’t okay with them making humor out of something like that. but, what really doesn’t make sense is this:

she says here, november 23, 2016, that she has only been in remission a month.

but she says here, 5 days earlier, that she is donating blood (and has donated multiple times before), that she is healthy.

i dont know what the specific requirements are, but i know that despite me being physically healthy now (at least as far as illnesses and whatnot are concerned), i was never allowed to donate blood (or plasma) because i took hormone regulation pills as a result of my tumor. if blood drives wont accept someone who takes a hormone regulation pill to stabilize their prolactin levels, why would they accept blood from someone who literally had chemotherapy? someone who supposedly had skin cancer?

im not the only one, either, though. one of the people she claimed replaced her (again, other way around) found out that she was faking cancer, too, and their friend apparently had evidence, though they didnt think people would believe them - which is understandable, considering daisy is an extremely influential figure in the overwatch rp community.

turning people against each other

here is quite possibly the part most directly affecting people. on multiple occasions, daisy would turn people who were completely unaffiliated against each other. people who had never met, or at least never spoke much.

i was talking to @beijide about the upper screenshot, because when daisy dropped andy for another widowmaker, she vague posted about andy (who, mind you, has a hard time speaking with people personally, though they found it understandably easier to jump into a group conversation) the whole time. andy summed up their situation pretty well when i showed them what daisy said to me - though it’s only a guess, and she may not have been talking to me about andy specifically.

and then, later:

she pretty clearly says here that this person (ill call them orange, for the sake of this post) replaced her. i didn’t know orange at all, but with this, daisy convinced me to avoid them. i was under the impression for a year that orange dropped daisy - but in reality, when i spoke to them, they explained the truth:

daisy ostracized people from the entire fandom on multiple occasions - not just once or twice, but all the time, because she found someone better or because they werent active or just because they played the wrong character.

at first, i wasnt going to say anything about this situation. i wasnt going to talk to anyone about what she did to me, even though it hurt, because i thought that the only thing she did was replace me - just a problem to do with me, nothing to hurt other people. i didnt realize just how detailed everything she did was.

and i’m not the first to make a post, either. red (remember when i mentioned them earlier?) tried to make a callout for her before over the same things and was written off as a jealous mercy who faked evidence to make daisy look bad:

this was after daisy had already turned me against red early in our friendship by convincing me that red had stolen headcanons from her:

i’ll come back to this last bit shortly.

she convinced me that red was stealing her headcanons - even though these headcanons are fairly common for mercy players, since she has a certain air about her. i tried to find red to ask them about the truth of the situation, but was unable to find their blog. from my knowledge, they have since left the overwatch community.

later, she sent messages which very intentionally ostracized red:

and then, regarding the callout red made:

but red is hardly the only person who got turned against as a result of her. she also turned against @climxtologist, who was originally her friend, when talking about red:

when i spoke to nicole, however, she told me the truth of what happened.

even if it had only been orange, red, and nicole who had been ostracized by daisy, it would be far too many - but unfortunately, her body count doesn’t end there.

i don’t know specifically who she was talking about here, because there were many stories she told that sounded like that, but i had an idea when i was speaking to orange. i started speaking to nikki about everything daisy did, and though he wasnt directly victimized by her, he felt the affects of having friends who were, as well as being a mercy when daisy made sure that other mercy players would never get so much attention:

daisy, despite saying that she wouldnt keep people from rping or interacting with other mercy players, subtly kept them from ever talking to them. in fact, i was talking about it on discord, too:

i didnt want to upset daisy by talking to other mercy players, and i know that i wasnt the only one who felt this way. she was extremely possessive of her mains:

yet, although she would get upset when anyone else talked to another mercy, she spoke or interacted with other versions of someones muse all the time. so why was she allowed to talk to other genji players when i couldnt talk to other mercys?

she even got extremely nasty about people who i used to main who i had thought dropped me (the circumstances were a bit different when i actually got around to talking to them about it, so my disposition here is pretty gross as well, admittedly, and i dont have any excuses for it):

she was extremely rude about red, who she had never actually held a conversation with. she directly called red a trashbag, called all of their friends trashbags, and claimed no one liked them or their blog, as well as calling it irrelevant. that’s nasty.

but possibly the worst is when she tried to turn me against one of my mains, and closest friends:

i really should have stood up for bibi here, but i was too scared to upset daisy about it. when i spoke to bibi about it, they said this:

yes, she said that void was in the wrong for what they did - but she also spoke about them like what they said to bibi wasnt that bad. and that isn’t okay.

conclusion

daisy pretty explicitly manipulated and lied about a lot of things, including things that would actively harm other people. i am not telling anyone to stop interacting with daisy, but i want people to be aware of everything shes done, because she is actively harming other people, and if anyone decides to break off contact and interaction with me about this, i understand completely. please do not attack or send hate to daisy, as that is not the intention of this post. it is not created for retribution. it is not made for revenge. it was made to protect people and give them the knowledge to make their own decisions.

also this was really funny to me:

[therealestatesparkblog]

7 Types of Tenants That Are Harder to Insure (& What You Can Do About It)

Insurance is all about mitigating risk. Im hoping to make some of the concepts around insurance less intimidating in my first series of articles about insurance for real estate investors here on the BiggerPockets platform. If you have feedback for this articleor insurance information youd love to see explained in plain Englishplease let me know about it in the comments! Anyway, back to the subject at hand. The big box companies especially will run screaming from the seven types of tenants described below. Read on to learn more about the seven types of tenants that are most difficult to adequately insure and how to handle these situations, whether you decide to attempt to screen out these types of tenants or proceed with the deal knowing you have these tenants in your rental home. Whatever you choose, I have practical advice and tips for you. Lets dive in. 7 Kinds of Tenants That Major Insurance Carriers Dont Usually Cover These are the types of tenants that consider riskier from the insurance companys point of view. We have also included some insurance solutions you can employ if you have these types of tenants, or plan to invest in a property that will house such tenants or operate as the types of business discussed below. 1. Section 8/Rental Assistance Tenants Only a handful of carriers in the country will insure Section 8 tenants. Of the thousands of companies nationwide, that isnt very many. If you or your property manager start taking in Section 8 tenants, you must make your insurance company aware of this situation. Failure to do so is misrepresentation. The best thing you can do if you must have Section 8 tenants is speak to agents of the companies offering this specialty coverage. Tenants receiving rental assistance from a variety of other programs may be treated the same as Section 8 tenants by insurance carriers. Underwriting guidelines will determine whether a carrier will treat tenants receiving subsidized housing differently. Some may insure if these tenants constitute less than 15% of the occupants of a multi-unit building. 2. Individuals Operating an In-Home Day Care State law will outline when someone is considered to be operating a daycare. The lines can get blurry for those who care for other peoples children for any reason. Babysitting one or two kids several times weekly is generally OK. But state and local laws outline how many children can be watched and for how long before someone is considered to be running a business. A tenant may come forward and state that they are operating a licensed daycare in compliance with relevant law. If youre a landlord with tenants running a day care without your permission, even if it as unlicensed, talk to the tenant first. We have some tips on how to do so below. You can check them out under Heading #7 (Assisted Living), which gives an example of how you can have this conversation with your tenant without causing yourself more problems.

3. College Students There are different levels of coverage for types of housing. Lets take a look at the basics. If theres more interest in this topic, Im happy to write more in the future about the levels of student housing and what investors can do to keep their premiums and other insurance costs as low as possible. Student Rentals Underwriters look to see how close your property is to a university campus, whether the property owner is marketing explicitly to college students, or whether all of the leasing dates fall along the same timeframe as school years. Those items are dead giveaways that a property may be student housing. Student rentals have higher costs than normal market rentals, but are a lower level of coverage than, say, our next category. And again, dont think you can get sneaky on this issue: If youre busted marketing to college students (remember, the insurance folks can see everything your prospective tenants can!), expect to pay the price for this deceit. If you genuinely just own property in one of these areas but arent marketing directly to students, you may be able to get a normal market rental (i.e. cheaper) rate for your policy. Sorority and Fraternity Houses Fraternity and sorority houses especially may be treated differently from an insurance perspective. In fact, they are an entirely separate specialty class. Many carriers who allow student rentals will still exclude these types of houses. This isnt that crazy, considering the type of debauchery going on in these homes daily. Between unrestrained binge drinking, tons of people in and out of the home, and the inevitable property damage (which can usually be blamed on aforementioned binge drinking), you cant really fault the insurance company for charging more. Liability costs for injuries, even those that are clearly the tenants drunken fault, can be massive. Plus, there are plenty of other scandalous lawsuits waiting to happen that dont bear repeating in polite company. Again, if you must invest in a property involving a sorority or fraternity house because your heart compels you to or you have some compelling financial reason, be sure to consider the actual cost of what the specialty insurance will be. Graduate Students These students are considered more responsible and may be accepted with the same type of coverage you would use for a normal market rental. Because graduate students may or may not require a specialized policy, you will have to check with your carrier to know for sure. Market rent apartments that simply allow students to live there are another gray area. If the property is not explicitly student housing but still has student renters, most policies will treat this situation as a typical market rental. 4. Individuals Running Assisted Living Businesses If you or your tenant are running an assisted living business, keep in mind that facilities for adults may require specialized coverage. Some of the factors that will influence the cost of this coverage include: Types of individuals living in the home. The elderly may be treated differently from individuals with physical or mental disabilities.Hours of operation and degree of care. Round-the-clock care facilities may be costlier to insure than daylight or night-time only facilities. The same goes for high levels of care versus lower levels of care.Licensing status. There are four types of assisted living licenses. Knowing which kind the business operating on your property needs is essential for insuring the property properly. The types of assisted licensing include a Standard License, Extended Congregate Care License, Limited Nursing Service, and Limited Mental Health. Ensure the facility has the proper licensing. If your tenant is the one running the business, ask him or her about licensing. If your tenant is running the assisted living business, you can have him or her pay for the cost of insurance coverage. This will offset your costs, and if the tenant is likely to remain for the long-haul, may be a great way to guarantee the continued passive income we are all after. 5. Owners of Restricted Breeds of Dogs Most major insurance carriers have dog restrictions. How strict or lax they will be depends on your provider. Always check this information prior to permitting pets on the property. If you dont know where to look, ask your agent. Were here to help you! Keep in mind that even service animals may be restricted, completely legally. You may choose to have a tenant with a dog even if your insurance company has restrictions. However, check what those restrictions are to know if the animal will be covered. If their breed isnt restricted, well, doggo-party on! If you choose to have tenants with dogs that are in fact restricted, you may. But if that dog bites somebody, your insurance carrier most likely wont be covering any claims. Some plaintiffs may even go to the effort to sue you civilly. 6. Short-Term Tenants Week-to-week rentals are more difficult to ensure than most. Insurance carriers that do home and auto have made adjustments to cover insurance for vacation rentals. This is a fairly recent change that reflects the fact that these markets are more established. Related: Which Types of Insurance Coverage Should I Have on My First Rental Property? There are two major companies that specialize in properties purchased explicitly for Airbnb or other vacation rental formats. This option may be preferable for an investor who purchases a property that will be a vacation rental most of the time. 7. Transitional Living and Halfway Houses Carriers view the types of tenants in these homes as very risky, which theyre largely not even incorrect about. However, there are many types of transitional living homes: housing for those who have experienced domestic violence, individuals with credit or financial constraints who are working towards more permanent housing, and the growing sober living home and addiction recovery support industry. The point is, transitional living helps a variety of people in neednot just felons and rapists. Is this a bias problem? Maybe. A tightly controlled sober living home that is run-well can actually be the cleanest house on the block. Reputable facilities routinely drug test clients and conduct breathalyzer tests on clients returning from weekend outings or at random. So while the reality may be that a recovery home is the only house full of 20-somethings on the block that isnt partying on the weekends, drug use carries unfair stigma but also a degree of risk that insurance companies justifiably may not wish to take on. Halfway house tenants tend to have poor credit and often criminal backgrounds that make other types of housing unfeasible. These types of homes are ultimately very good for society. Some business models are more lucrative than others, but be sure to include the actual cost of your insurance quote for greater accuracy while you examine your deals. Fortunately, many of the pointers for the assisted living category can also be applied here. Talk to your tenant about their situation, whatever it is. Lets imagine for the sake of simplicity you have a tenant, Betty, with many children, who routinely babysits her friends children as well. It comes to your attention that Betty may be meeting your states definition of running a daycare. Speaking to Betty about this situation is a great first step. She may not know she is breaking the law or may be able to provide documentation that the children seen on the property are actually family members. She may be willing to stop her operation once she knows her housing is on the line. If she continues to break the law or implies she might, ask her to stop. Make it clear what shes standing to lose. You may be able to come up with a different arrangement where Betty assists with handling the policy coverage change/extra expense, particularly if shes running her business by-the-book and not under-the-table. If you encounter a situation like this and are unsure of what to do, chat with a friendly real estate attorney. Weve got tons of great attorneys here on BiggerPockets who are all too happy to share their thoughts, but ideally youll want to retain your own for matters such as entity formation and asset protection. Consults with great attorneys are often cheaper than youd think. Less experienced attorneys may offer free consults, but your time will be very limited. If you have an hour or two worth of questions, write them down and get connected with a legal professional with experience dealing with real estate investors.

How Notto Deal With Difficult-to-Insure Tenants We investors are always looking for workarounds when we encounter obstacles. While creative problem-solving is no doubt a great skill to develop, there are two common mistakes people make once they have selected the types of tenants described above but dont wish to pay the price. Mistake #1: Lie About the situation to the insurance company. Not mentioning it is a bad approachthats considered misrepresentation. If you dont say you have any Section 8 tenants, for instance, but you do and you know about it, the insurance carrier can deny your claim. You may be in a better situation if, say, youve owned a property for 10 years and chose to price it affordably. Originally, you had no Section 8 tenants, but your property manager has since allowed some on the lease. You may be able to negotiate in that situation, but if you knew or should have known about the tenants, lying is the worst thing you can do regarding any claim. Related: Landlords: These Are the 4 Types of Insurance You May Need Mistake #2: Deny applications in a discriminatory manner. This is where it is handy to have a legal professional to bounce your concerns off of. This doesnt apply to all of the categories above. However, those affecting vulnerable populations usually do. Here are some things you cant do on your application if you want to avoid discrimination accusations that lead to litigation nightmares another BiggerPockets poster has written about here in the past. Check out that article if you really want to know all of the gory detailsand how dark it can get. Stating in the application that you wont take specific kinds of people. This is begging for a lawsuit. You can state you wont tolerate a behavior, but never a person for who they are. So you can say that you wont permit drug use on your property, but you do not want to say, I wont rent to drug addicts or people with a history of drug addiction. Why not? Because addicted and alcoholic tenants are a protected class under the Fair Housing Act. Its not worth the headache of even a nuisance lawsuit. Educating yourself on the Fair Housing Acts protected classes can help you determine what is legally considered discrimination.Asking irrelevant or unfair questions that imply discrimination. Asking questions about a persons sexuality is a good example of this. Some landlords have prejudices or personal biases and try to head these off with specific questions. If those questions overlap with protected classes, youre leaving yourself vulnerable to a situation that may very well land you in court regardless of which insurance policy you use. The reality is, you can choose whomever you want to live in your property. There are other ways to vet for behaviors that make individuals risky to rent to. Follow the tips below to avoid discriminationor more accurately, the threat of a brutal discrimination lawsuit. Not all protected classes are obvious, which is why I recommend getting to know more about them. For example, you also cant deny someone for their family status. Family status may include factors like number of children, blended or unconventional families, older family members choosing to live together, and other situations which you may not like, but cannot use as grounds for denying on an application. If you know you dont want to take a certain type of tenant on, look at what about that tenant sketches you out. Is this a person who is likely to have a poor rental history or poor credit? Its perfectly legal to deny an application on those grounds. Behaviors and non-protected classes may be items to address in your lease agreement. For example, individuals who smoke are not protected, nor are individuals with dogs. A restricted breed owner cant sue you for discrimination if you clearly state No pets are allowed on the property in your lease. However you choose to handle this issue, ensure youre on the right side of the law and screening all applicants the same way. You can even use one of those handy-dandy lawyers I mentioned above to develop a fair and legal screening process that you can use for each and every tenant. How to Handle Higher-Risk Tenants and Select the Right Policy Fortunately, there are insurance solutions for all of these types of tenants. If you are a landlord, you may decide to avoid these types of tenants altogether when selecting a tenant for your property, provided you arent discriminating. But if your heart or pocketbook compels you to take some of these higher-risk tenants on, Ive got good news. All of them can be insured. The question for you will become whether doing so is worth the cost. This question will require you to know the exact cost, but also take other factors into consideration. If the tenants are running businesses, perhaps they will assume the cost of the policy. The more you know about the situation is crucial, and yet another reason to always communicate directly with tenants. Speaking of the power of knowledge, keep in mind that you should Select Appropriate Insurance Options and Know Their Costs Before Investing Specialty insurance can be 150%-300% higher than a traditional landlord policy. If you are getting involved in a real estate deal that includes these types of tenants, that is something to consider ahead of time. You may find yourself a great deal involving these types of tenants, but later find that once youve applied actual insurance costs, it isnt such a great deal. The cost of insuring the property should be figured accurately in any pro forma so you know what youll really be spending. Most of us know the value of having a buffer in our pro formas. Ideally, you should have botha buffer for unexpected costs and an accurate, up-to-date figure for your projected insurance costs. One Final Important Tip Get an actual quote in hand before making offers on properties that involve these types of tenants. Dont go with a verbal or over-the-phone agreement. You want the actual piece of people to determine the cost of insuring your real estate business. It is best to give your agent one to two weeks of lead time to research the best options for your quote. Whether you choose to dodge these tenants altogether or proceed with a promising business that involves these types of tenants, I wish you the best of luck. Im always available to answer questions for the BiggerPockets community. While I post frequently in the forums, I look forward to hearing back from some of you hear!

So please feel free to ask questions, add your comments and thoughts, or otherwise continue the conversation in the comments section below. Thanks so much for reading my first BiggerPockets piece and I look forward to hearing from you all soon! https://www.biggerpockets.com/renewsblog/7-types-tenants-harder-insure-it/

[jess-oh]

Reflection

hey journal!

i am doing a lot better mentally and i’ve received a ton of free food so im one happy gal, haha! i know i had a pretty rough start the first few days of this week but I am doing a lot better now. I’m feeling much more optimistic! 

Real quick before I dive into this... I made a comment on Angela’s interest in Dear Evan Hansen and made a “mock” argument of sorts with her and went unnecessarily into detail on a stupid topic and I thought it’d just be fun banter at first but from her tone in response, I think she actually took me seriously? So I just messaged her to clear the air bc I really do want to get better and avoid offending or hurting anyone bc that’s really not my intention.

I do want to care more about how others feel and think in an understanding sense but not so much in a im afraid what they’ll think of me sense. bc i dont want to fall down that path. i think the biggest thing i need to remember is my confidence and to rest assured that I am made perfectly in God’s image but to more importantly, come from a place of love when I am talking to other people. “Am I really caring about how they feel and think right now? How can I best serve them to do that?” Those kinds of thoughts. Which is different from “What do they think of me? Did I do something wrong? What can I do so they like me?” It isn’t an issue of how they view me but rather how I can best serve them. Which, I think the line will get pretty cloudy down the line but so long as I remember this, I think I’ll be fine.

I also worry for Jason bc like I mentioned before, I think he’s in a position where he feels the need to take care of everyone in a world where everyone is too afraid to approach anyone themselves. And I really don’t think Angela likes me. Why? I don’t know. Maybe I pushed her too much or said something ill timed. My theory is that when she found out someone else goes to Columbia, she was hoping I would be her saving grace of sorts and we’d immediately click. But we didn’t. And I didn’t save her. Because we’re just very different people. She calls me out for things pretty often and I do appreciate her blunt nature but sometimes, it is a bit discouraging. If I knew she was calling me out from a place of love and caring, I think I would be fine. But it feels like she’s constantly judging me. And I worry that she vents to Jason about me and he feels the need to defend me because we’re friends. And I don’t want him to face that. No wonder he’s been feeling so burnt out recently. He can be immature at times but other times, he’s above us all. He’s been through a lot and been forced to grow because of it. His sense of humor is immature but mentally, he’s way wiser than us all. At least, us college kids. No wonder he would prefer to hangout with Catalyst over us. I thought I was pretty mature and could match his level but I think I was wrong. Especially after everything he told me and how poorly I initially responded to it. I must admit that I’m not as mature as I originally thought. Maybe I’m just surrounded by a bunch of people less mature than I am. A lot of the times, I think I’m only prideful bc of my low self esteem but that’s not true. I’m actually insanely prideful and it blinds me a lot. When I speak with clarity, I know that it’s true and I have full confidence in what I say. But lately, I have been speaking in the heat of the moment, clouded with emotions. And that’s...a pretty immature thing to do. I need to pray for more guidance and wisdom and clarity from God bc I can’t do this without Him. I do genuinely want to get better. I do genuinely want to exude passion and wisdom and love. I do think I used to be an incredibly compassionate person but I’ve fallen a long way since then. Just because I’m “wise” around my sister doesn’t mean I’m always super mature. I definitely have my own flaws and weaknesses and it would do me good to be more aware of those things. To not speak before I’ve gathered all the facts and to actually take into account how everyone else is feeling and where they are before speaking. 

I was salty before that P. Josh didn’t appoint me as outreach person instead of Christine but I’ve definitely rubbed some people the wrong way. In trying to reach out, I messed up our relationship without realizing it and that’s on me. I didn’t realize I had hurt Chaeweon. I thought we both just grew busy. We were both filled with so much excitement at first and then it just went so bad so fast. And that was totally my fault for not realizing I made her feel stupid and less than. That was never my intention but I do admit I felt good when I bragged about my own decision making skills. Instead of trying to be empathetic with her, I made myself look better and that was really wrong of me. And I do genuinely feel bad. I do want to apologize though I don’t know if it would actually help anything. She said it was fine but I think she was still hurt. And I don’t want to apologize for the sake of making myself feel better but I want to make sure my intentions are pure and true and apologize with her in mind.

Sigh.

Iiii apologized! We’ll see how she responds but I don’t really expect her to respond at all. I just felt like it was something I needed to do. Maybe it was just for myself or maybe it was God placing it on my heart to say something. Who knows. But I do know that I want to make the most of these opportunities when I feel like I should do something. Whether that’s to reach out to someone sitting alone or apologize or give food to the homeless or sing on the streets, I want to do it with full confidence and unashamedly! Because I’m walking with the Lord on my side. And if I shall die today, then I shall die today because that is His Will and I trust in what He says.

But yeah! I’m actually not sure when I last posted was but yesterday, I just had History of Communication Design and thankfully, I got the full credit! I was so scared bc I totally knocked out from exhaustion the night prior instead of working on my homework for Graphic Design III and Developing a Marketing Plan. Wow, my brain is all over the place. Backtrack.

SO! On WEDNESDAY, I had negotiation skills and graphic design III but my DMP homework was DUE at 12:30pm that day. Which is why I was stressing! So I quickly finished my American Girl Research and then worked on Facebook on the bus! I was going to work on it offline but then the extension didn’t work and then I was going to wait it out but my worries got the best of me and I just turned on my data and worked on it on my phone with my research opened in front of me on my laptop and quickly turned it in. I wish I didn’t worry so much about the formatting because Gina showed us an example of a really good one in class the next day and if I had only known that we had the freedom to break apart from the mold, I would have done that too! Ahhhhhhhhhhh. But oh well. Now I know! But in DMP, I remember we got into our groups and I got along with everyone really well! It is kind of hard bc in everyday conversation, I feel the need to constantly be checking myself and wondering if I’m saying “I” too much or being selfish or making the conversation about me instead of actually listening.

I can’t find my mouse but I guess I’ll find it later. Oh shoot! When I start typing, my cursor disappears from the screen! Interesting...anyways. I got along really well with my groupmates and I did falter under immediate pressure but picked myself back up relatively quickly! But we talked about Jane the Virgin, Titanic, BBC shows, The Walking Dead, and a bunch of other things and I’m really blessed to be in their group! At least that’s how I feel for now. We’ll see how I feel once we actually start working on the project...in fact, I’m going to try and finish my part of the research today so that I don’t forget about and can just get it over and done with now. Because I have so many responsibilities, I’m always afraid that I’m going to forget something. Speaking of which, I need to remember I have a meeting with Jenny tonight at 10pm! AHHH! MUST. REMEMBER! But yeah! I just closed Facebook bc the longer I stare at it, the more I’m going to expect a response and I don’t want to make any more mistakes so I just closed the tab so as to no longer think about it. 

I’ll write more about Wednesday and Friday in a bit but first, I want to type this out.

When Jason revealed to me the areas in which I lack, I got to thinking some more and wondered what areas I have lacked in the past and how I could have done better. Yearbook has been the bane of my existence and that is something that I can never really escape. But for a while, I just blamed them for everything. For treating me poorly. For not making an effort to get along with me. But honestly, I never made an effort to get along with them either. I just let them do them and let me do me. But I’ve always wondered. There are definitely some people who I just know are always talking smack about me and I always wondered if the van ligten’s thought i was doing that to them. I remember when Jasmine called me and I missed it but called back in worry, hoping she was okay. And by her tone and what she said, I think they thought I thought I was cooler than them. But I never did. I had a lot of anxiety and depression and I was really struggling at home. But I never let them in. I never let them know or made an effort to be friends with them. And that was partly my fault. I did micromanage a lot and was very controlling. And I was insanely prideful for having expected the position of EIC so early on. I was absolutely heartbroken when that happened and I felt like my whole life was a sham. But without it, I never would’ve come back to God. He really did break me. So fully. And I definitely broke. But whatever I would’ve felt as EIC does not compare to the newfound love I have with God in my life. I want to constantly strive to do better. I want to be more than what I am here on this Earth. And I know that with Him on my side, anything is possible.

But back to Wednesday! It started raining! And I took up another shift at work! I was kind of freaking out bc I wasn’t sure if I just made a grave error in choosing to work 4 days a week again with all these extra responsibilities and priorities. But I think I’ll be okay! At least I hope so! But I went to Waffle Wednesday and briefly spoke with Claire, Jamal, and this other girl whose name I cannot remember...and it was great! Graphic Design III went pretty smoothly and I feel like Dan was weirdly nice to me this past week during that class and the week prior? Maybe he’s just trying to be a nicer person but it’s borderline flirting. But he also definitely has a girlfriend so I’ve been kinda confused... Regardless, I’m going to continue observing and see if he really is being extra nice or if I’m just tripping. I also told Evelyn about it in class today and she said that she noticed him talking to her more recently when he never usually did so maybe he just had a change of heart? Who knows. I don’t think I want him to ask me out. If he did, I think I would just be stunned and need to get back to him. I think a part of me hopes that he does want to so that I know I’m a desirable person and I would be tempted to say yes but ultimately say no bc I do know I have so much of my own baggage to sort through still and I think I would constantly be trying so hard to please him and be the version of me that he likes instead of just being able to relax with my partner in crime. So...that’s that. But after class. it was pouring rain! And I had no umbrella! So I put my stussy jacket over my backpack and just went for it in the rain bc I needed to go grocery shoppping! And honestly, my groceries were not nearly as expensive as I was afraid they’d be so I really hope tomorrow night goes well for the potluck! ^_^ This is my first real opportunity to host so I want to do well! :D

And then today... it was pretty straightforward and simple. I waited a bit for the bus this morning and was afraid I’d miss pancakes but I didn’t! And it was so much better than I could’ve ever imagined! There was bacon, sausage, and two types of pancakes! And all my favorite people were there! So many people from my work or people I’ve had past classes with or different faculty members I got along with really well. I was really happy! I laughed in joy with a girl I vaguely remember and everytime someone left from our table, another person would join. And I’m really so glad and blessed to be surrounded by so many amazing people and feel so at home. Once again, I feel much more at home with the people at school than I ever have with the people at church.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

Then I worked on some homework, went to History of Communication Design with Hannah, got along with a couple new people, yelled at Richard from across the room, got my questions answered, and overall, had a good time. Then I went to my e-board meeting, we had fun, fooled around, danced, and got a lot done. Then Tina and I spent some good time together just chatting it up in the weird 618/624 building hybrid room and I’m glad. I went to the 9th floor, thinking I could get my textbook hw done but unfortunately, IT WAS CLOSED. So I just went home instead. Oh! Joyce also gave Tina and I both food to take home and it was bomb.com! Anyway, my week started pretty shitty but it got progressively better and I feel both honored and blessed.

Thank you God!

[decadenttimetravelmentality-blog]

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"fiat 500c insurance group

fiat 500c insurance group

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fiat 500c insurance group

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I bought my house 3 years and insured the house with Travelers homeowners insurance. The rate started at $843.00 per year and the insured value of the house was $183,000. The rate ...show more""

How does Progressive compare your insurance rates with top companies?

How is that possible? I've applied for Progressive quotes before (and wasn't impressed at all), but how are they able to do that? Insurance companies all have complex formulas that are used to calculate rates using several factors, including driving history, location, credit, household drivers, vehicles, etc. Unless they have robots online that steal competitors' bandwidth and automatically fill out the forms, it doesn't seem possible. If that was the case, you would think other companies would block Progressive from abusing their servers. Any ideas?""

I can't afford this forced health insurance by my college! help!?

My college is telling me that it is mandatory by law that as a full time student, that I have health insurance. I will be getting my own separate health insurance at the end of the month, but tell then i have to pay the full amount with the health insurance ($1,695) I can't afford that! is there anything i can do? they told me i can't request a deferral. i don't live on campus. I only paid $200 a month last year, (I had my own insurance) but I also received less in financial aid. all of this access payment is just for health insurance! is there ANYTHING i can do?""

Tee Motorcycle insurance?

I'm 17, I live in Arlington TX, I have A's and B's with a few C's (my parents told me they look at grades. True?) I'm Looking at buying either an older honda shadow, probably around 750 cc or an older Kawasaki Vuclan (same). THe bikes will be pre-2000, and I will be getting bare minmum insurance. Can anyone guess at the rate?""

Insurance? for laptop without getting home insurance?

I'm worried my brother hasn't as of yet insured his expensive laptop. What would work out more economical in the long run please: Content insurance but as a student he keeps moving, so all he wants to insure is his Laptop,mobile and passport both when it's in the house but also when traveling in the UK and abroad? (some policies like Barclays Gadget insurance make it almost impossible to make a claim ie: you can only claim if there's been a forced entry or if the Sim card is still in the phone whilst traveling. Well he lives with 8 other students and the landlord doesn't provide home isnurance in the contract, people are comming in and out of the house any one could take it from his room and the landlord won't allow him to put a lock on the door. If he's traveling abroad he will use a different SIM so... If he buys yearly travel insurance most only cover a single item up to 400, his laptop is an Applemac. Which would cover an expensive item without charging a monthyly fee above 10 per month? Stupid question but is it possible to jsut get content insurance for one room instead of Home insurance? Gadget Insurances seem pretty expensive and a lot of them don't cover the full spectrum of problems, stolen laptop whilst unattended in a hotel, lost, accidental damage even if the item is over a year, Thoughtbubble never even replied to his email enquiry. Bank insurance, they are limited and have similar policies such as above. Natwest have the advantage Gold and home contents insurance but it works out at 12 per month and his iphone won't be covered as phones have to be under 100. I don't have home insurance so he can't use ours. Please what else could he consider and no he's not giving back the gadgets and he is very careful but anything can happen. Would help to get some proper advice as even his bank Halifax didn't cheers""

""Who has the best car insurance for 2 people good credit, a 96 car and a 99 car. in the 40s, ?""

now in AAA, but AAA raised it since i moved to bismarck nd. shopping for good and reliable car insurance. its going to be staying with AAA, and pay more or go to no-dak, will not go ...show more""

Insurance for 1998 Corvette for 18 Year Old Male?

Okay, so this question is one of those, if you have to ask you can't afford it type of questions. Now I have loved Corvette's since I was old enough to identify cars. I have always dreamed of owning on, and the opportunity is upon me. After selling my car, and saved money, and saved funds, I can afford a 1998 Corvette Silver Automatic. Now it's a V8, and is pushing over 300HP easy. Insurance is ridiculously high, even with 2 and a half years of perfectly safe driving. (I hate the stereotype of just because I'm young, I'm an unsafe driver. Alas, all the idiots ruin it for us safe young adults.) Anyway the Vette clears out and is mint shape, no accidents, and is selling for $14,900 with 74K miles, a steal if you ask me. Anyway I have over $16,500 saved up, which leaves me with an issue. I can afford the car no problem, but I just know the insurance will be through the roof. However I was wondering if any of you have any idea on the cost. I have Metropolitan if you were wondering.""

Pay as you drive insurance..?

What company's offers pay as you drive insurance? And is it any good? Or do you know any cheap insurance schemes or company's?

""Please tell me the difference between insure , assure , and ensure . Thank you""

Please tell me the difference between insure , assure , and ensure . Thank you""

How much would getting a motorcycle and insurance cost?

I want to get the Suzuki SV650SF ABS and possibly Geico insurance, and I am a female. How much would that roughly cost??? and is Geico a good insurance company? If not, then what are some other good insurance companies and how much would that cost. (oh, and I would be 16 until i get the motorcycle, so it would be first vehicle)""

Will my first speeding ticket affect insurance?

I live in Ontario and received a speeding ticket for 95 km/h in a 80km/h zone, just over $50 and no loss of demerit points. It's my first speeding ticket, is this going to affect my insurance rates?""

How much should my insurance go up with a new car?

Right now I have a 1995 honda accord, I play about 90 a month, what should I expect to pay with a 2007 mazda 3?' Im 19, on insurance with my parents, no tickets or accidents. THANKS!""

""Can anybody suggest an affordable health insurance company for a low income, young man?""

I would really like to have the ability to go to the doctor when I need. But, I can't seem to see the necessity of having health insurance. Being it so expensive, and that I so rarely need to seek medical attention. On the other hand, the clinic in town will not schedule appointments for anyone without insurance. I would like to be more concious about my physiological self with the advice of a medical practitioner. But, not at the cost of hundreds of dollars a month, which I can't afford. Its just not in the cards. HELP!""

18 male ontario car insurance rates?

im an 18 yo male living in windsor ontario. I have a clean driving record, have passes drivers ed and recently got my g license. I just bought a 2001 ford taurus and was wondering the approximate rate of insurance. Other possibly necessary information could be, im a student, and the main purpose of the vehicle is to and from work/school which is only about 16km away. Let me know if you need any more information""

How can USA force me to buy health insurance?

It's incredibly unconstitutional and uncapitalist If I find a way to self-fund my healthcare and don't need to rely on an insurance company, Govt can FORCE me against my will with fines and penalties to engage in business with big insurance?????? Are you kidding?!!!! What country are we living under?""

What is the importance of Health care insurance?

Let me know what is the importance of Health care insurance in any individual life and best Health care insurance companies in India?

Pay car insurance if I'm going to be out of the country?

Hello, My car insurance is going to expire in 4 days and I was wondering If I should simply not pay it. I'm going out of the country for 1 month and will not be driving my car. I don't think that Progressive will let me push back my payments. Would it be cheaper or easier for me to just simply not pay, and get insurance when I return? I pay 5 installments of $50. If they charge a fee or something less than $50 it seems like I should not renew my policy. I've been on hold for a long time on the phone, and want a game plan when I finally talk to someone. Thanks for any advice!""

I bought a stolen car and the insurance company offered me to buy again at a high price?

I bought a Audi 05 reg for 13k privatley that turned out to be stolen. The insurance company have now offered me 15k a ridiculous amount of money to buy it again, that they say is non negotiable. Does anyone know if I can get it cheaper maybe the insurance company is trying it on as they know I want it, or shall i let it go to auction and try and buy it back then.""

""My teen had a minor accident, will my insurance go up?""

My daughter who is 16 yrs old tapped a car from behind at a stop sign. There was no damage done to either car and no injuries. The guy said he was not going to do anything about it since there was no damages. My daughter gave him her information (insurance etc). I called the guy to make sure everything was ok, he said nothing happened to his car or himself but he went ahead and opened a claim with my insurance because he thought he had to do that. I know that if he decides to ask for damages the insurance will pay. My question to you is if he decides not to ask for damages, will my insurance still go up and will she get points in her driver's license. Also, I'd like to add that we live in California. I have not talked to my insurance (AAA) yet. Thank you""

fiat 500c insurance group

fiat 500c insurance group

I'm studying abroad in China next semester and want to know if I can add my friend to my car insurance?

Since I'm studying abroad, I have to find something to do with my my car. My friend is willing to take the car while I'm gone, but I've had some complications with my insurance. I spoke with my insurance rep, and she strongly discouraged me from adding my friend onto my policy. She said since my name was on title and on the off chance he had an accident, the person involved can go after the insurance as well as my future earnings. It seems really unlikely that someone could get that much money out of the insurance and continue to go after the car owner as well, but I'm concerned. Can I have my friend sign something that will state he will pay me back for the future earnings lost if they pursue me? If so, what kind of form and what needs to be stated? Will it hold up legally? I also thought of selling my friend the car for a dollar so his name would be on the title instead of mine; however, I have a 10 year accident free discount that knocks off over $200 in insurance a year and that would disappear if I ended my coverage. I would have my family take the car while I'm gone, but I don't have family in the area. I feel the best option would be to add my friend to my current coverage and have him sign something that states he will pay me back for future earnings if there is that kind of an accident. He is willing to do both, but I don't have any idea if there is such a form I can have him sign or if I should just type something up? Any advice or suggestions would be much appreciated! Thanks""

How much is motorcycle insurance for a teenager?

Im 17 and want to get my motorcycle license but i have a speeding ticket and an accident on my record. Anyone know about how much insurance would be?

Who are my insurance brokers?

how will i know who are my insurance brokers?

""Teenager first car, first insurance questions I live in the UK?

My step daughter has a car registered in her name at her home address. She wants her father who lives at a different address to add her to his insurance as the second driver. The premium will be far cheaper. But her father will not drive the car. I think its known as 'Fronting'. I want to know for this kind of insurance would her father have to be the registered owner and would the car have to be registered at his address? As a second driver will she be able to drive anywhere in the country and still be covered? If she gets a speeding ticket and he is the registered owner who will get the points and/or fine?

Cheapest Auto Insurance Humanly Possible?

I am a college student living on campus and want to have a car but will not be driving it much at all. I am just looking for the most basic and least expensive auto insurance I can find. I am 19 with no tickets or accidents yada yada yada. Where can I find some cheap coverage?

Health Insurance?

What is the best affordable health insurance for a low income middle age woman in Southern CA?

California Insurance Code 187.14?

California Insurance Code 187.14?

""Im an 18 year old male and im about to get my drivers license for the first ime ,how much is my insurance ?

about how much is my insurance looking to cost me ???

Insurance cost for a BMW 325i?

So I am 19 bought a 2004 BMW 325i for 12,000 dollars and was wondering how much the insurance would be? I live in CT and are only planning to use for school.""

How much would my insurance be?

I am 15, i took driver's training when i was 14. and I just got my license. i was wondering how much it would be to insure a ford focus. I get good grades, about a 3.5 gpa so i dont know if that will help lower my insurance.""

Insurance deductible?

Someone rearended me and damaged my bumper.and my car did not start after that.I have insurance and she does too.wil I have to pay for any thing at all

Car Insurance... help?

hey.. I have zen 2004 model, i pay insurance premium of 12k at bajaj allaince I want to lower the premium, can it be done to the same policy or should i take a diff policy, at maruthi service center they told they can get me insurance at National Insurance for a premium of 5k .... does the premium amount have any effect on claims ...plz explain one more thing if i make a claim in an insurance company and the after some time if i ask for cancellation of my policy .... will they charge anything .... is it better to abandon my old policy and switch to new company or ask for formal cancellation""

What are my rights? re: car insurance?

I'm a bit short of money at the moment, so on the 31st January i phoned my car insurance company and asked them to suspend my insurance. They told me the direct debit request for February had been sent on the 29th January, which they couldn't stop, and would be taken from my bank account on the 1st February and i would later bee refunded that amount. Today i received a letter in the post telling me they would hold the payment and use it when i continue the policy or use it towards a cancellation fee if I don't unsuspend the policy. The policy ends in June! The reason i cancelled is because im on benefits and just don't have the money to afford this right now. Anything i can do?""

Cars with cheap insurance?

I am 17 and hold a full UK provisional license. I am having driving lessons. I'm just wondering of any cars with cheap insurance for when I pass my test as I'll be getting a car for my birthday in October. I am a girl so no boy racing cars

Van insurance for youngsters?

I'm 17 and i do Motocross and because of this i need a van to transport my bike to and from tracks (i don't want to get a trailer) it will only be used on weekends, but i am getting ridiculous insurance quotes. where can i get good insurance for young drivers?""

Pregnancy and health insurance questions:?

I found out that I am 6 weeks pregnant, and have my own health insurance. What I would like to know is if I want to get on my husbands insurance for the new year will I be able to? Or will I not be able to get on his insurance because they will consider it pre-existing condition? His insurance is better than mine. My baby is due the end of April.""

Do insurance companies use mortality rates to set premiums and other costs for certain age groups? Why?

Do insurance companies use mortality rates to set premiums and other costs for certain age groups? Why?

How much will I need to pay a month for car insurance?

I'm an 18 year's old. I'm buyiing my own car soon. How much do you think i'll have to pay for car insurance a month? and what company should i get?

""If my stepdaughter causes a car accident, can the injured come back on my car insurance policy to pay?""

my stepdaughter caused a accident and her insurance had to pay its limits but the injuries to the person was more than her policy would cover, can the injured come back on my car policy under resident relative claus? She lives with me and I have her on my health insurance but not my car insurance, even though she occ. drives my car.""

I am looking for health insurance for my 9 year old son and i?

in the state of tennessee. any suggestions for max coverage, min cost and no hassles. we were on cigna with my wife but she is now on disability, brain cancer and cobra is killing us. thanks and merry christmas.""

""I'm a 20 year old girl who has just passed my driving test,whats the best small car for insurance,as I dont kn

The car will be roughly 5 or 6 years old it goes by insurance band levels WHICH i AM LOST WITH

Military Housing Insurance?

Is there such a thing? With military bases privatizing their on-post housing, is there any companies out there that provide something in the vein of renter's or damage insurance. I have heard horror stories of soldiers owing thousands and being overcharged for bogus things like $25 light bulbs, when you can find the same bulb for less than $10 on the economy.""

""Some one have tried to make false claim on my car insurance, please help?""

Hello All, some one have tried to make false claim on my car insurance, i have been driving fine. but couple of days ago, my insurance company called and asking me details of the accident saying i had met an accident and some one claims compensations for that. Please advise me where shall i get more help, any web site forums or other options please, I live in UK A Little help will be appreciated Many thanks and Regads""

Old DUI and Insurance rates.?

Unfortunately I was a stupid kid and received a DUI in July of 2007 in the state of PA. Now after years of traveling and studying overseas I am living in California and about to buy a car in a few months. I am wondering if anyone knows whether or not this DUI will play a major role in getting insurance?

If i have liablility insurance on my car now and i am trying to get a new quote...?

it is asking for my old deductable but i don't have my insurance info with me. does having liability coverage mean i don't have a deductable? i don't want to put in a wrong answer and not get an accurate quote.

fiat 500c insurance group

fiat 500c insurance group

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/site-i-can-get-insurance-quotes-online-without-someone-noah-coleman/"

[afmasters]

How I broke my true love

Hey Tumblr got a sad story for you. Keep in mind I am not at all a writer or ever aspired to be one. Everything that is said in here is true and I want to share with you my story to help make others aware because I definitely was not. The beginning: It was a hot July day. It was the summer right before my senior year. I was at warped tour with a buddy wearing a ridiculous t shirt to take pictures with random girls who thought it was funny. The wind blew a paper at my back legs so i had to twist to get it off of me. As i was twisting down i caught a glimpse of you. You were wearing your jean booty shorts with a white tank top sort of thing. I recognized you as the new girl in school from the previous year. I instantly smiled and told myself that one day you'll be mine. That right there is where it all started. It shouldn't have been my choice for you to be mine. It should've been a mutual decision but I was too selfish to care. Later on in that July day i found you at some sort of pizza place. I purposely rubbed against you so that way youd notice me but i still kept walking. You turned around and said "OMG hey christian." I turned around and say "Hey." Not going to lie i was nervous. I walked up and saw you had a piece of pizza and i asked how it was not noticing you hadn't taken a bite yet. You lied anyways and said its pretty good and i offered myself a bite as you responded with a smile and said sure. After that bite i said thank you and left. You had me hooked, but i also knew i had you hooked. Fast forward to the start of school: I hadn't talk to you since that day. I had seen you around town, like our local target/pick n save but never added you on facebook ever to talk or anything along those lines. First day of school we end up in the same home room together. We lock eyes and smile. Your perfect dark greens eyes were so irresistible. We did this everyday for almost 2 months, never said a work to each other. Just randomly locking eyes in home room, in the lunch room, and in the hallway. It was always accompanied by a smile which made it so much better. One day i was in a shitty mood. I had heard some jock, some douchebag that was not me had asked you to the fall dance. i remember looking at you and locking eyes and you smiled but i didn't. Later on in lunch that day, same thing, we locked eyes, you smiled but i didn't. You took it upon yourself to text a mutual friend to get ahold of me. Our mutual friend was communicating for us and we agreeed to meet in the hall the last hour of the day. I had class and you had a free block. I stepped out and the first thing you asked was "is everything okay?" From that moment i knew, i knew you cared for me, that after never really having a conversation you asked that, that you were a caring person. I replied "i guess. I heard "x" asked you to the fall dance." She replied "well yeah but i haven't really given him an answer and i'm waiting for someone else to ask me before i tell him anything." At that moment i knew she was talking about me. Fast forward a couple days i had asked her to the dance with chocolates and flowers because she's not one who wants anything flashy. We hangout everyday together before the dance. The day after the dance we hung out again. I leaned in for a kiss and got one back. This was not my first kiss but it was yours and i had no idea. Going to fast forward and give quick summaries of the next couple months for you so that way we can get into the title of this. Now we hungout almost everyday of senior year except family events or whatever. When i say everyday i mean literally almost everyday. I told you i loved you after 3 months in and you didnt reply. After 5 months on your 18th birthday you told me you loved me. We wrote love letters back in forth to stick in each others lockers throughout the day ( i still have a majority of them). We did a lot of stuff throughout the summer before college. We drank, we went out on dates, we watched a lot of rooster teeth. You were the perfect girl. Then College move in day came. We grabbed a lot of stuff from your room and put it in your dorm room. Even though your school was 15 minutes away from your house you still wanted to stay in the dorms to experience that college lifestyle. Seeing your empty room it set in. I was going to see you everyday, you were going to have friends who i didn't know, you might even make guy friends....Now that. That haunted me. You were mine, i couldnt let some hot college boy with mommy and daddy money ruin what i took months to establish. Once again i was selfish, i had forgotten about how i was your first kiss which led into a lot of first everything's. Your first week in college a guy from your physics class asked you to lunch. You told me, at the time i was going to a community college and working part time, so i saw that and instantly got upset. I yelled at you and said "why would you go to lunch with another guy? Don't you know his intentions?" Which you replied back "sorry i didn't know it would upset you. I will cancel lunch with him." I ruined what couldve been your first college friend other than your roommate. This is where the damaging started. I had issues being away from you. Even though you were 20 minutes away and probably swamped with college homework i still bothered you to hangout and sometimes you would. Sometimes I understood what why you couldnt hangout. Sometimes i called you a cheater and threaten to break up with you because i would do anything to see you. Well that worked. You would drop whatever youre doing and force yourself to skype or have me come pick you up. You did so much for me and all i didnt notice it because all i cared about was myself. Fast forward to October 31st 2014. It was our one year of dating. You had a shit ton of homework that night but still managed to get prettied up and go out to dinner. We got into an argument on how much the steaks were and how we couldve gone to a chain restaurant instead of a fancy restaurant and saved so much more money. I continued to argue with you to tell you it was the thought, not the price. We didnt even go to a movie after that. You came back to my house put in some sweats and fell asleep. I think this was the first time you were realizing that this is not a relationship was suppose to be. Fast forward 5 months we're still arguing and fighting almost everyday we're not together or skyping. This day was the release date of Fast 7. You had never seen any of the fast and furious' but you still wanted to go see this one because you knew how much Paul Walker meant to me. We were the first ones in line that day. We watched the movie, cried our eyes out at the end and all the way home. It was one time we had cried together. We stayed up that night talking about life and our future together. It then reached 6AM. My parents were leaving for work and we had the house. You leaned over and asked if i wanted to have sex. I would be taking your virginity. You were saving that for the person you were planned on marrying. I asked if you were sure. You said 100%. That morning i took your virginity. What came next i did not expect. You wanted to hangout everyday again. You didnt want to be in college anymore. You took the city bus to the closest stop by me everyday. Bringing me dinner every night because you had free meal swipes. Everything seemed great. Then i mistakenly started taking to other girls while we were still dating. I lied to your face and you believed me but knew i was lying and in your eyes i could see you were still hurt. The nights you stayed overnight at school you always made sure i was home alone and not with another female. This starting eating at you because you didn't know unless you were there. Well i never hung out with girls other than you but the whole talking thing was enough to damage you. You grew depressed and tried self harm. You later came over and told me what was going on and that our relationship of almost 2 years was over. Instead of waiting and supporting you. I left. I went and had sex with random girls and only drunk texted you. Sometimes id even vent to you about the girls j was having issues with. I could only imagine how much more that fucked you up. I didnt care though. I was selfish and blamed you for leaving when im sure once you got better and i realized how much of a dick i was to you, we couldve started our future together. Now when i text you, you ignore me and i dont blame you. Ive accepted that im a fuck up. Im sorry and i will always love you. Today marks the 1 year the last i heard from you. Forever and always

[diaryofanalcoholicsdaughter-blog]

Suicide, judgement, selfishness, regret the Human nature.

The last few days have been oddly stressful and just strange. First there was work which was shit just because of one of the woman I was working with. I mentioned it before but she likes to start arguments and fights. That was bad enough. But I felt like I shouldn't complain about it. Just because she's human too not a saint and if that's her nature then I'll just deal with it. It's annoying but whatever is what I thought. The next day I got a call from a number that I didn't recognize. I was going to ignore it but something said answer so I did. I was told a woman I used to be friends with committed suicide and the circumstances of her death. I feel like I need to explain things a bit. She and I used to be really close like kind of creepy close. I loved her and she loved me but it was different kinds of loves. She would joke about us dating after she came out as a lesbian. I was her emotional support she suffered from depression and admitted suicidal thoughts in the past. When she had down days she would call me and I'd take trips down to see her. Either that very same day or the next. I'd drop everything call my college friend who knew her too and we'd take a trip down to cheer her up. No matter what I tried to be there for her. Then she meet her now ex girlfriend. When she meets women she tends to go Mia towards all her friends and focus on that woman. She'd dated while we were friends but this time was different. I hate being the third wheel and planned a trip for just me and her as my goodbye trip before I moved to tn. She invited her gf despite me asking her not to. So I admit I went petty and fucked around and didn't go but instead went to our home town without telling her. It wasn't long after my mom died so I was pushing people away and fucking them over in general. I was tired of being there for people and feeling like they didn't give a shit about me. She texted me later and blew up at me. She called me manipulative and a bunch of other shit saying she didn't want to be friends anymore with me or the college friend. At this point I started to doubt myself. I always thought I was a pretty okay person but she really made me seem like a monster. So we stopped being friends and hadn't talked for a few years. So hearing about her death I wasn't sure how to respond. I didn't believe it at first but when I found it was true I kind of went Oh okay then. I accepted it. She was troubled it was shit she felt the need to do that but hey shit happens is what I thought. My friends on the other hand were distraught. Crying at work and telling me about how they regret things or being pissed at me for not telling them when they found out after me. I feel back into old habits forcing emotions I didn't feel. Not saying what i felt since that never worked well and i didnt want to fight with anyone. Creating an imaginary person to fit in. The same thing she often did. Molding herself into what she thought people would like. It wasn't a funny situation but for some reason people who say they know me the best thought I'd be laughing about it after I didn't express the level of grief they wanted me to. They got pissed if I said lol at something they said. I'm a positive person in most things so I found the good side of it. She went out in a way she would have liked. A way she often talked about doing it when we had been friends. So I didn't feel anger or sadness towards it. It's shitty she saw that as the only way out but I kind of blamed the people around her for a moment. If she had a better support system she might not have done it. But then again she pushed away her support systems for the woman she was with. Being loved was all she wanted and being with someone even someone who helped her isolate herself from her friends was bliss. Making that person suffer after they broke up was something she'd have done. I ended up reconnecting with people from my highschool days and that was the bad part. They came to me with their emotions and suddenly it didn't become of poor her and her killing herself it became a poor me and my reaction to her death. Suddenly the dead woman was a saint in their eyes and they were filled with such regret and sorrow for her. Despite being in the same city as her even only a few mintues away they never really gave a shit about her. I was hours away and still went to her when we were friends it was something she and I talked about a lot. So it pissed me off that people were suddenly so concerned. Suddenly they missed her and suddenly I was a bit of a monster for not having the reaction they wanted. Even writing this pisses me off really because it's still doing the one thing I don't want to happen it's making her death all about me/them. That's the part I hate the most. When the judgements from my highschool friends got to be too much I contacted a mutual friend of the girl who had died. She like I had been part of her support system in our college days till the girl cut us both off at the same time. She was the one I went on the trip with. The part that brightened my day was my college friend gets me. I honestly told her how I felt which was nothing. She understood it. She also understood why I got pissed at the petty little "I should have done more for her been there for her" after it was way too fucking late. Regret is for the living and I felt none because I had done all I could for her when we had been friends Suicide to me is the ultimate selfish act. I didn't think about it too hard. She wanted death and nothing would have stopped her at the time. I blamed her dad for a moment since he still had the guns he had been warned to get rid of years ago. But blaming him doesn't make sense either. There is no one to blame. It's human nature to look for fault. Even I still do that sort of thing. I feel for her family and her ex but at the same time I don't really know or talk to them. Being who I am my college friend said I'm stoic and it freaks people out when I don't have the same emotional reaction they have so I get called cold blooded heartless and cruel often. It's like because we are all girls i should be as overly emotional as the rest but instead I either bottle It up or feel nothing or look at it in a logical but positive way. But being cold hearted and cruel from people who are supposed to be my oldest and closest friend was upsetting. I dont feel like I am cold just not as emotional but I hate when others emotions are being pushed onto me. Why do I need to be reduced to tears by the death of a friend who I hadn't spoken to in years? I was just glad for the time we did have together. She was funny bright a good friend and did a lot for me. She was a good woman while she was alive troubled but filled with love so I remember that. She had her flaws and the parts of her that made us friends. So instead of thinking oh god I should have done more for her I think I'm glad she was there for that part of my life. Oddly she sort of helped me grow as a person and realize things about myself. Till her I bought into the whole 'your a cold hearted bitch who doesn't care about anyone' stick but if i had really been that way she and I never would have been friends I wouldn't be the one so many people had run to for support. I thought many times or reconnecting but I felt like she would reject me and going through all the emotional things I had been going through wouldn't have put me in the mindset to help a friend who had mental issues. As blame grew and pressure grew I felt myself breaking down. Not because of her death but because suddenly it was all about everyone else but her. I tried to talk to my cousin about it but she ended up whining about her own problems and when we went out to eat she complained about the food and bought up our family. She wants me to sort out my grandmother again about my dad but i told her she was on her own this time. Not to mention I'm week three nearly four into the bloodest period of my life so I'm pretty sure I need to go to the doctor but have no insurance till june. With all the emotions swirling in my head I took a day for myself. Not doing anything just laying in bed. I found the song human by rag n bone man. I listened to it on repeat and really connected to it. I'm only human so I try not to fault people for the fucked up shit they do. I don't deal with it but I don't want the warrantless blame they push onto me either. I can see why she would want to die. It's crappy when you can't see a way out. So when friends who have the same feelings as her suddenly didn't get it baffled me. Were they just talking about suicide before just to get attention? Could they not understand how it felt to be so down to the point there is nothing bright in the world. Where you can only look at all your flaws and blame you lay at others feet for why you are the way you are? It's hard to pull yourself back from that point it's shit she probably didn't have anyone who could pull her back from there either. Those were just the type of friends we had. But they're human too so I can't really blame them for being the selfish type. We all do what we can for each other. So all I can say is Rip my friend. The years we had together were good. I won't miss you because I think your happier now. The noise is gone. You left a fuck ton of mess behind you but hey your dead so don't worry about it.