#i avoid bigger meetups because i have to make sure not to see him. its hard not to make a scene sometimes

[straponstrapoff]

God my ex really did make me feel like trash. One text apology years after is not enough he should be on his fucking knees begging

[idkthisisjustforfanfic]

two years too late, chapter f o u r

Jake Newcomb was tall and blonde and probably one of the most sarcastic people you’d ever met. When you were ten, you had told him that if you never married anyone, you’d be marrying him. He took it in stride, really, seeing as you informed him of this decision rather than asking for his take on the matter. 

You liked to think of him as the brother you never had, the one you’d go to for advice or reassurance if he could handle being serious for more than five seconds. He’d probably called you by your name only fifteen times, ever--Smalls had been a mainstay since it’s origination in 2007.

Adam Penter met Jake when they were in nursery school--only a year before they were in the same class as Harry in Year 1. Adam was just as loud and just as funny as Jake and Harry--but he was a much better listener and couldn’t stand the Rolling Stones.

He’d been in and out of relationships with girls the whole time you’d known him, seemingly always with ones who turned him into some type of puddle the second they left him. He was sensitive and sweet and put up a good front: his humor just a shield for his emotions. 

Jake and Adam together sometimes felt like babysitting--avoiding blowouts and roughhousing became second nature when everyone was together.

“M’probably just gonna beat the shit out of him as soon as he gets here,” Jake laughed, his elbows resting on the kitchen table at Adam’s mum’s. The curtains over the window were the same for the last thirteen years: a red and white toile pattern that always seemed to remind you of history class.

“So you’re serious when you say he paid for you ticket?” Jessie’s eyes were kind of wide, she leaned in on the table to stare at you more directly. 

“Yes and I thanked him a thousand times already, very sweet of him, I know.”

“Did he say anything about why he suddenly wanted to hang out with you?”

Adam’s question had no ill-intent, but the words still stung like a skinned knee. 

“No, I dunno--he said he was glad, though, on the plane.”

“Hmm,” Bryn sipped at the beer in her hand, eyeliner thick around her eyes for a night on the town. Holmes Chapel, that was. 

There was never much going on in the sleepy town where everyone knew everyone’s business. Save for the few days before Christmas and New Years when your generation would flock home, momentary pauses on their lives in London or Manchester, a drive up to the countryside to get sloshed at the Red Lion before some quality family time. 

Bryn was leaning against a wall, right next to Adam. As soon as Harry showed up, you’d head downtown. “And you still haven’t talked about it?” 

“No!”  You said quickly, setting your beer on the table with force. “And none of you are going to bring it up tonight, yeah? Cause that’s seriously the last thing any of us need having not seen him in so long.”

They seemed to shrink at that, averted gazes and hunched shoulders as Jake cleared his throat. “S’fine, Smalls. None of us will bring it up and it sounds like he won’t either.”

You hadn’t told them that he’d tried. You didn’t tell them about your emergency trip to the toilet  for a minute to clear your head. 

“And you’re--are you, like--” Jessie treaded carefully, you knew the question she was posing before she could even form a full sentence. 

You cut her off. “No. I’m not. I will not. Let’s leave it.” You were not falling in love with him again. 

Jessie Alby had been your best friend since you showed up at their school at ten years old. She  was bold and brazen and sure, quite loud and energetic, a thick accent inherited from her Northern parents. She’d been dreaming about going back to school, a PhD in Creative Writing. She now had her sights set on being a Uni professor. You couldn’t really picture her in that role, though, not with the mouth she had.

“Oh fucking relax,” she rolled her eyes. “M’just asking.”

Bryn Miller was quite the opposite, really. Poised, posed, and rather posh, Bryn was smarter than the rest of you by far. She started working in finance straight out of Uni and she probably made twice your salary. She’d be running her own company in a few short years, you were sure of it. 

There was a knock on the door, Jessie danced over to open it, revealing a hooded Harry on the front step of the tiny house. His hands were in the pockets of a denim jacket, dressed down in a sweatshirt and black jeans. He offered a wide grin into the house before stepping in from the cold.

“Well hello,” Jessie greeted excitedly, his arms wrapping around her with a squeeze. The rest of them rushed over through the living room, socked feet padding on the brown carpet that had endured one too many alcohol spills in your teen years. You trailed behind, giving them space and time to take a look at him--like parents whose child had just come home from their first weeks at school.

A chorus of greetings echoed through the living room as they all took turns hugging him. Jessie then Adam then Bryn and then Jake. 

“Smallsy,” he offered a two-finger salute in your direction. “Two days no see.”

You forced a laugh and smiled in return, all eyes in the room on you. You shrugged your shoulders. “How’s your mum? And Gemma?”

Adam seemed to motion for you to all follow him back into the kitchen. 

“They’re good,” Harry said casually. “S’good to be home for a bit. Adam, are your parents here?”

“Yeah,” he answered. “Downstairs, I think.” He opened the fridge, tossing a beer in Harry’s direction once you’d all reclaimed your seats around the kitchen table.

Of course he’d ask--he’d always been the one friend to make sure he said hello and thank you to whoever was hosting. But Adam’s parents meandered upstairs a bit later when they heard the laughter in response to Harry’s story about he and his sister fighting over the bigger guest bedroom. 

One of the first things Harry had done after the band started making money was buy his mum a new house on the outskirts of town. An upgrade from their townhouse with a small garden, the one where you’d watched scary movies on Halloween and where you did homework at the kitchen table once in a while. 

The new house was set back from the street, almost out of view when you drove by. You’d been only once--beautiful shrubs maintained by a stranger in a landscaping shirt still stuck out in your memory. That was probably the summer of 2012. 

You watched and stayed quiet as Harry reintegrated into the group, his laugh just as loud as it was at sixteen, only now he had a five o’clock shadow and an extra four inches in height. He told them all about your midnight walks through the village--the Pad Thai you’d eaten and the Sara Bareilles concert. 

He asked them about their jobs and their families, nodding thoughtfully as they took turns giving  him an update. You wondered, as the stories and updates unfolded, if anyone else was feeling angry by the way he’d faded out so easily. 

Jake and Adam had always been quick to defend him, even when he royally fucked them over. They’d make an excuse. He’s busy, he’s in a foreign country and doesn’t get good reception. As far as you were concerned, it didn’t matter.

So maybe it angered you a little bit that things seemed to click back into place like puzzle pieces--once apart but never changing shape.  But maybe everyone else was more forgiving because they hadn’t been in love with him when he left. 

**

The inside of the Red Lion was frozen in time. The brick fireplace in the corner always seemed to keep the dim room warm as you threw back drink after drink. Tiny wooden tables were cramped together as always, bodies and chairs spread around the room as music leaked from the speakers overhead.  

You’d all shown up a bit late--a fair amount of old classmates already settled when the six of you walked in from the car park. 

Kieran Chesna, Mollie Amsbury, Kenny Tilley, Maddie Winslow, Amy Goodwin, Michael Waite. Familiar faces greeted you with hellos and how are yous, but you certainly noticed the buzz and the whispers that spread when Harry stepped in behind you, pulling a beanie off of his head when he was shielded from the wind. 

You could only imagine how strange and out of place he must have looked to them all--making a rare appearance as if he was still one of the gang, not an award winning musical artist who had enough money to buy the Red Lion out from its owners. But if he was nervous he hid it well, offering hugs and handshakes to people you’d both known since you were kids. 

 You’d made your own rounds with Bryn and Jessie in tow, getting an update from Amy about her engagement and from Kieran about his sister’s wedding. After grabbing a cocktail from the bar, you sat back down between Jake and Mollie, answering their questions about your work in New York.

“So you don’t ever think you’ll come back?” Mollie smiled up at you, her blonde hair was shorter  than it was last Christmas when she brought a new boyfriend to the meetup. Apparently he wasn’t in the picture anymore. 

A shrug of your shoulders and sip of your drink. “Not here, at least. Maybe London, but it’d take a really good reason to get me out of New York.”

“So cool that you’re writing for The Scoop,” she cooed, resting her chin in her hands. “You’re kind of famous, y’know!”

You shook your head but laughed. “M’not famous--I just have some dedicated readers I guess. And I’m an idiot on the internet, so that helps.”

Jake lifted an arm to pat you on the back, his lips pulling into a smirk as he looked between you and Mollie. “Leave it to Smalls to post her own embarrassing date fails on twitter for the whole world to laugh at.”

You couldn’t disagree--working at The Scoop had completely changed your life in a lot of ways. You were way more comfortable poking fun at yourself, your followers growing each time you shared an article or got into funny quarrels with celebrities on social media.

Your list about the fifteen most embarrassing things about millennial culture really seemed to seal the deal. Your stories were getting millions of views, your inbox was being flooded with messages from strangers, and most importantly, Whitney was impressed and appreciative of the humor you were bringing to The Scoop. 

It was nice to know that your classmates were impressed with your work and the fact that you moved to the other side of the Atlantic, but the excitement in Mollie Amsbury’s face increased tenfold when Harry sat down next to you.

It’s not like there was a competition to see who’d been the most successful as an adult, but if there was, Harry would win. Which was fine. You loved your job. You loved New York and you didn’t need Harry Styles in your life to be happy.

“The album is amazing, Harry, as always,” Mollie’s eyes glazed over, Harry took a sip of his beer before setting it on the table. 

“Oh, thanks, Molls--how’re you, though? How’s work?”

“S’good, s’whatever,” she laughed, her eyelashes fluttering as she offered a coy smile to Harry. Jake offered you a knowing look between them as he ran a hand through his hair. 

Harry was funny like that--there were moments when he hated the attention and wanted nothing to do with it. Some nights he’d show up at the Red Lion and seem annoyed by anyone even mentioning that it’d been a year since they saw him. 

Other moments he ate the attention up, hungry for the reassurance that your former classmates still loved and adored him, despite his long absences and poor communication. 

“Tell me about tour though--so cool you’re doing it all by yourself now!” Mollie was more than happy to give Harry the attention--she still rested her head in her hands, watching the words fall out of his mouth like honey. 

“S’cool, definitely different than being in the band, but s’good. Busy for sure, so I’m glad to have some time off for the holidays.”

A smile pulled at Mollie’s lips, a knot in your stomach. 

“So amazing,” her voice was high-pitched, like a bird singing in the sunrise or maybe a whizzing blender. Either way, you took another sip of your drink. 

You liked Mollie Amsbury. She was sweet and friendly and never gave you any trouble in school. She was just as bad as the rest of them, though, becoming more enchanted by Harry as his net worth grew and suddenly missing him so much more than she ever did before he was famous. 

To save Mollie’s reputation in your mind, you decided it’d be best to do a lap and visit with others. After all, hearing about someone’s job as a cashier would be more entertaining that listening to her gush about how talented and special your friend was. 

“Hi,” you found Jessie at the bar and pulled up a stool beside her, letting your elbows rest on the counter in a sign of defeat. She sat with Adam and Michael Waite--both incredibly enthralled by a video on Adam’s phone, their faces squished together to watch whatever it was. 

“Hi,” she turned to take a good look at you. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” you sighed, the bartender took your empty glass and offered a refill. “Just sick of hearing Mollie drone on about how amazing Harry is.”

Jessie peered over her shoulder, a quick glance in their direction to take in the sight of Jake still stuck between them. “Yeah, well, you know how it is,” a sigh escaped her lips, turning back to your before offering a smile. “S’fun, though, to see everyone, right?”

You stared at her suspiciously, eyes scanning her face as the bartender set down a new drink in front of you. 

“What?”

“Why do you want me to be having so much fun?”

“Y/N, just relax, will you? You’re so...on guard about him being around again you’re not even able to enjoy the fact that we’re all together.”

You rolled your eyes, blinked a few times, took a sip of your cocktail and contemplated her words. She wasn’t wrong, but she wasn’t right either. When you didn’t say anything, she kept talking. 

“He’s being fine, okay? He’s normal and he’s not mad about it or anything, so just, relax, okay?”

“He’s never said anything about it to you, has he?”

“No,” she said quickly, “not even last--”

She cut herself off and her eyes doubled in size, her face going white before she bit at her lip, horror washing over her face as you leaned in to lower your voice.

“Last when? Did you see him?”

“I didn’t.”

“Jessie,” you spoke her name calmly, even and controlled as your fingers tightened around the cold glass in front of you. 

She let out a dramatic groan--almost more of a whine--and let her head flop to the side as she grimaced. “We saw him last Christmas--he was home and texted Jake and then, I don’t know, we just tagged along.”

Your jaw hung open, eyes unblinking as Jessie tried to twist her mouth into a smile. “We didn’t tell you because we knew you’d be upset and he asked us not to because he figured you didn’t want to see him.”

“Are you kidding me?!”

Jessie leaned forward to grab your hands, holding them in hers with force. “I’m so sorry--we’re total knobs and you have every right to be mad and we suck, alright?”

“You do suck,” you pulled your hands from her. “You’re liars and traitors and--”

“Why is she a liar and traitor?” Bryn appeared beside you--her hair pulled back into a pony, her glasses framing her face in the dim room. 

“You’re one too,” you said angrily, leaning back to the bar to reach for your drink. You’d need at least three more if you were going to let them off the hook for this. 

“I let it slip that we--y’know--engaged with the enemy.”

“What?” Bryn’s head dipped to the side, her eyes narrowed as she waited for Jessie to explain. 

She looked around the room, mostly to search for Harry. When she located him--now standing with Maddie Winslow and Kieran, she turned back to the two of you. “We saw Harry last year. I told her. She’s pissed.”

Bryn’s face contorted into one of hesitance. “Oh, Y/N, we didn’t--we were just--we missed him, you know?”

“He literally ditched us! Then he shows up in 2015 and lets me make a fool of myself and then you two go engaging with him?” You borrowed Jessie’s word, the two drinks you’d already had lending themselves to the flurry of emotion rising in your chest.

Anger. Betrayal. Jealousy. Guilt. Confusion. On one hand, you were proper pissed. They’d thrown caution to the wind and gone behind your back. They’d lied and kept something from you for a year and as far as you were concerned, you had every right to flip a table or light something on fire. 

But then there was the guilt. They wouldn’t have to lie or sneak around if you’d not been so uptight about seeing him or talking to him or anything in between. Or, realistically, if you hadn’t been such an idiot to begin with. 

The scene in the bathroom played in your head for the ten thousandth time. 

“What do you mean?” He asked, his head turned to the side to watch you for a second, but you couldn’t get over the cool tile on your bare skin. 

“Dunno,” you slurred out the word, a whine escaping your lips when he cracked a smile. “Don’t do that.”

“Do what?” He laughed, his finger reaching over to poke you in the stomach. 

“The cute smile thing.”

“Can’t help it,” he shrugged. “You bring it out of me.”

“Why’s she staring off into space?” Adam appeared beside you, leaning an arm on your shoulder, his question posed to Bryn and Jessie as he finished the last sip of his drink. A shaky breath escaped your lips as you pulled yourself back into the present.

“Jessie blabbed that we saw Harry last Christmas.”

You looked up at Adam, his face dropping quickly when your eyes landed on his. “Smalls,” he said your name slowly, apologetically, even. 

“Save it,” you said, pushing yourself up from the stool before hopping down to the floor. “I’ll get over it. I just--I need a minute.”

They watched you walk away, doing your best to avoid Harry’s gaze as you passed him in the middle of the room with Jake and Kieran by his side. You slipped out the front door of the Red Lion, the main street through town still busy despite the late hour. 

You leaned up against the side of the building, thoughts swirling in your head like the wind in the sky. 

You smiled up at him, your lips pulled into a thin line to avoid the smile that so badly wanted to plaster itself on your face. The bathroom was dark, the noises of a muffled party were seeping through the door. Jessie’s laugh, Jake talking loudly over the music. 

But you felt safe in here--secluded and cozy and best of all, it was just the two of you. You turned to look at him quickly. “Why’d you show up tonight, anyway?”

He brought his gaze to the floor quickly. It wasn’t necessary a question you needed to ask. His band was done. Who knew what he’d do next--though you knew he’d figure it out--maybe a quick stop in Holmes Chapel was enough to get him grounded. 

You blinked quickly, forcing out the memory like it was a bad taste in your mouth--stubborn and harsh as the door to the Red Lion opened. Jake appeared in a sweatshirt, a cigarette between his lips when his eyes landed on you. 

“What’reyadoinouhere?” His words jumbled together, a combination of the alcohol and his attempt to keep the cigarette in place. 

“Avoiding you five,” you laughed, anger fading from your veins as he came around and draped an arm over your shoulders, the heat from his body a welcome change from the night air. 

“What’d we do now?” He brought a lighter out of his pocket and held it up to the butt--you lifted a hand to help shield the wind. 

“Hung out with Harry last year and didn’t tell me.”

“Hmm,” he nodded, taking a puff before letting the smoke return to the black sky. “Surprised the girls kept it quiet that long.”

“Me too,” you said. 

A moment of silence passed between the two of you. You were appreciative of the fact that he didn’t try to make an excuse or explain it away. Instead, he took another puff of the cigarette and then looked down at you. 

“Y’know, Smallsy, I do think you should talk to him about it.”

You let a groan escape your lips, a churning in your stomach reminded you of why you hated this particular piece of advice.

“Why do you think that, Jacob?”

“Because he doesn’t care.”

You let out a small laugh, amused by Jake’s level of intoxication but also intrigued by his statement. A few people walked up to the front door--faces you recognized but couldn’t quite name--and headed inside. 

“Why do you think that, Jacob?”

“He told me.”

Smoke danced up from his mouth, swirls of gray against the black sky above. “He told you?”

He nodded, his lips pursing together. 

“Wh--what did he say?”

“He said ‘it was two years ago, doesn’t matter,’” he imitated Harry, his face twisting into a serious grimace with dipped eyebrows. It was a good thing that Jake was some type of Marketing and Analytics pro in London--he didn’t have a future in acting. 

You let out a snorted laugh at his impression--his face immediately delivering a frown, he pulled his arm from around you and took a step back. “Laughing at my impression? I thought it was spot on, honestly!”

“It was shit,” you said simply, folding your arms over your chest before another gust of wind fluttered by. A small Holmes Chapel bus slowed across the street, depositing passengers onto the sidewalk. 

Another puff from his cigarette between words. “I think you’re being a baby about it, Y/N.”

You looked up at him, his tone more serious than before. Your shoulders tensed, suddenly more defensive. “M’not being a baby--you weren’t there, you know. You didn’t see what happened.”

He rolled his eyes. “Heard all about it though from both of you.”

You shrunk at that--silently questioning how Harry’s retelling was different than yours. Did he recount the temperature in the bathroom, hot air blowing from the radiator nearby? 

“It’s so fucking hot in here,” you said suddenly, your fingers working towards the buttons on your shirt. Shiny, silky, green. 

“So hot,” Harry said, his voice lower as he slumped against the wall in the dark. He crawled towards the radiator on his hands and knees. “What is wrong with this thing, anyway?”

He looked up quickly, the corner of his mouth pulling up when you drunkenly slipped the shirt off of your shoulders. 

“Too hot for this,” you said, tossing it to the ground, the buttons making tiny taps against the tile. 

“Alright, s’freezing. Fuck this.” Jake put out his cigarette and tossed it to the ground--you heard Alyssa’s voice in your head about saving the environment, but you didn’t have the energy to fight Jake on his disposal or ask any more questions about the night your life fell apart. 

He took two big steps to the door, held it open, allowing you to cross under his arm. One look around the room to see Jessie and Bryn laughing hysterically at something Harry said--a determined march to the bar. Your card smacked down on the surface. Another drink. 

Two more. 

Then a third. 

Then dark. 

**

You heard the clanging of pots and pans before you opened your eyes. One blink, two, a pounding in your head that felt more like a jackhammer on the pillow beside you than a headache. Grey walls, the scent of waffles--no, pancakes. 

“Morning,” his voice was behind you--stood over the bed as he folded a t-shirt and placed it into a drawer. 

“Jesus,” you flinched at the sound, pulling the sheet up to cover your fully clothed body as you twisted on the mattress to face him. “What happened--why am I here?”

“Relax,” he laughed, a dimple appearing in his cheek. “You didn’t want to go home--said your mum and dad would be livid if you showed up so trashed.”

You let out a breath of air. That was true, really. They would be. Harry padded around the bed and sat down beside you, his eyes steady on your face as you ran a hand through your hair. 

“I just offered to bring you to mine because the rest of the gang was pretty toasted too.”

You got a glimpse of the bar in your memory: Maddie and Mollie both hugging you goodbye, almost tripping over the legs of chairs in the crowded bar. 

You didn’t know if Drunk You was trying to actually avoid an issue with your parents, or if she was really just bold enough to find a way to sleep in Harry’s bed. You shivered at the thought. 

“Need an aspirin? I’ll get you some water, too.” He was up and out of the room in seconds, giving you time to throw yourself over the sheets to reach for your phone on the side table. Composing a message to Jessie and Bryn, you typed furiously. 

Y/N L/N (9:13am): Which one of you let my drunk ass go home with Harry?!

Jessie Alby (9:13am): GOOD MORNING BEAUTIFUL. 

Bryn Miller (9:13am): You were a mess and he offered. You should be thankful, not angry!!

You rolled your eyes, tossing the phone back to the mattress when he reappeared. 

“Here,” he said, handing you a glass half full, a tiny red pill in his hand. You took it, threw it into your mouth, and took a big gulp. He took back the glass and placed it on the night table. 

“I’m sorry--I hope I didn’t, you know, say anything stupid.”

He laughed, a small smile before he shrugged and shoved his hands in the pockets of his joggers. “No--s’fine. I offered, really. Wanted to make sure you didn’t choke on your own vomit,” he gestured down to a plastic bag on the floor, immediately causing a flush to rise your cheeks. 

“Great. Wouldn’t be the first time,” you forced a laugh. He smiled at that--less tension in the room than moments prior. 

“My mum’s making breakfast downstairs--Gemma’s here too. M’sure they’d love to see you.”

“They don’t think we, like, did anything, right?”

“I slept on the couch downstairs, so, they’re aware of that.”

“Good.”

He stood there for a second, silently watching as you licked at your dry lips. You didn’t remember throwing up or falling down or anything, so aside from waking up in a bed that wasn’t yours, last night seemed like enough of a success. 

“I’ll, uh, get dressed.”

“Right,” he nodded, heading out of the room to shut the door behind him. 

An exhale when you were alone. 

You remembered the fifth drink--the last, you were sure. Jessie and Bryn had followed you into the bathroom and Mollie walked in on you taking obnoxious selfies. She joined in and then, suddenly, Jake staggered in. 

I thought this was the men’s room, he laughed, before posing for a photo as well. 

When you stood from his bed and looked down at the clothes on your body, you realized they were his. A pair of sweatpants he’d had forever--Holmes Chapel Comprehensive School stretched down the leg in maroon lettering. A black t-shirt, advertisements from local banks and shops on the back, from his Year 9 footy team. 

You found the pile of clothes from the night before--a ball of dark colors on a chair in his room. Luckily, they were versatile enough to be worn in the daylight. 

It wasn’t how you expected to see Anne and Gemma after so many years--you’d imagined that maybe it’d be at someone’s wedding, hugs with cocktails while you caught up. Instead, it was over pancakes and coffee and in the comfort of their own home. 

They were thrilled to see you--Anne didn’t even seem to mind that you ended up in her home due to your staggering lack of decorum. When she hugged you and pressed her cheek to yours, she smelled like honey and whispered in your ear, so good to see you, love. 

It was fine, it was nice. You’d always liked his mum and sister and, after sweating out a hangover in Harry’s sheets, you were starving. But that didn’t stop you from bolting out the door as soon as the plates were cleared and the washing up was done. 

If you had to sit in the car beside him while he drove you home, the least you could do was get it over with. 

“Hey, whoa, Y/N, what is up with you?” His voice was loud enough for you to hear it over the morning wind, you turned quickly, unaware he’d even followed you out the door after you’d said goodbye. 

Your lips parted, nothing but a breath emerged. You looked around the front garden--hedges and grass and a cloudy gray sky. “I just--I feel bad, I didn’t mean to impose.”

“You’re not--I don’t,” he paused, cut off by the shutting of your door as you climbed inside his car.

“What?” You asked when his opened, he shook his head and pushed the key into the ignition.

“I don’t know why you’re acting like all of this is so weird. Like me being your friend is so weird.”

“Because I don’t know how to be that with you anymore.”

His shoulders slumped. He let out a sigh and then started the car. “Maybe we don’t have to be friends.”

“And do what? You’ll fade out again like last time, like both times, and we’ll just pretend all of this never happened? Why do you just get to decide when you get to be in my life? Who made that rule? S’not fair.”

He turned to look at you from the driver’s seat, hesitant, like direct eye contact might make you explode. He put a hand on the wheel and put it in reverse. “I know I’ve fucked up, I’ve said it, like, a bunch over the last week. But you won’t talk to me about it. You won’t even allow me to even begin going there because, what, Y/N, you’re embarrassed? You’re still so caught up about that night that you won’t have a conversation with me?”

You kept your eyes on the winding road once he pulled out of the driveway. “I tried, Harry. I tried to have conversations with you before you left and I tried that night and maybe if you just didn’t suck at being a friend we wouldn’t be doing this right now,” you motioned around the car--black leather seats and black carpet beneath.  

“Well maybe if you weren’t so stuck in the past you’d wake up and notice we’re in the present, okay? Things don’t have to always be the same as they were back then! Jesus, I mean--”

You held up a hand to silence him. He stopped. The radio hummed in the background and the heat puffed out of the vents. 

“I never should have said anything to you that night. I shouldn’t have even talked to you because I was mad that you left and I’m sorry, alright? I’m sorry that I went and made it messy--

I was drunk and it was two years ago and I don’t feel anything I said anymore.”

Quiet. 

“You don’t?”

“No.”

You didn’t really buy it, but you hoped it sounded convincing. 

The door was still locked. He pulled at the knob again but it didn’t give. He turned around and looked at you--a drunken smirk on his face before you could even speak.  

“If I’m locked in a bathroom with anyone, m’glad s’you.”

Maybe he said it because you were shirtless--but the four gin and tonics you had liked to believe otherwise. 

“Ditto.”

He didn’t say anything until the car slowed in front of your house. You unbuckled the seat belt before he put it in park, the only sound was the beeping from the dash, angry that one of you was unprotected.

“Smalls.”

“Yeah?”

“I’m not going to disappear again. Promise.”

“Okay.”

Your heartbeat slowed with the shift in the energy. Just like always, your heart didn’t know  whether you hated him or loved him, but with the headache and nausea that was setting in, you figured now wasn’t the time to decide. 

“Let’s do something for New Years, yeah? With everyone.”

You nodded--the five of you had been doing it together forever, it was just always a crapshoot as to whether he’d show up. “Sure, yeah.”

The door shut behind you and your mum waved from the door at Harry--who offered a smile and wave in return before pulling back onto the road. 

You typed out a message to Bryn and Jessie. 

Y/N L/N (11:03am): I shouldn’t have ever thought we could be friends. 

**

You were sure he wouldn’t show up. More sure than when you were sure you failed a chemistry exam in Year 10 and more sure than the time you knew Jake was going to royally fuck up his date with Laura Dalton. 

In years past he’d spent the new year in London--in clubs, no doubt, with alcohol and women and other celebrities who were much too cool to be sipping on vodka in someone’s parent’s basement. 

The plaid pattern on the couch was straight out of the eighties--the cushions on which you sat were older than all of you. Jessie appeared at the bottom of the stairs with a bottle of rum. “Who wants one?” She asked, her voice excited and lilting as she made her way over to you.

“You need one,” Bryn answered for you, her eyes narrowing in on your permanent pout. 

“I’m fine.”

“Right, and I’m straight,” Bryn laughed, her eyes rolling so far back in her head you were sure they’d disappear. 

Jessie let out an obnoxious laugh as she reached for a red solo cup. She poured a mouthful of liquid in and handed it to you. “Drink.” She ordered.

The wood paneling on the walls had heard many secrets and giggles over popcorn when you, Jessie, and Bryn had tried to fall asleep at slumber parties. Like the time Bryn took a deep breath and admitted her crush on Penny from her science class. We know, you and Jessie had smiled, excited that she’d finally just come out with it. 

“I still feel like shit from before Christmas.”

Jessie gave you a dismissive glance, Bryn was enamored with her phone. “You had Christmas eve, Christmas day, and the five days since to recover. You’ll live. Your liver has practically regenerated by now.”

“I don’t think it works that way,” you told her, squeezing your eyes shut before tipping the cup back to your mouth. A harsh taste--swallowed. Bryn was watching you when you opened your eyes.

“So--you’re done with him?”

“I’m done. There’s no point.”

“And what did he say again?” Jessie plopped herself down on the carpet, terribly eager for all of the details in person before Jake and Adam arrived.

“That I’m stuck in the past.”

“Prat,” Bryn let out scoff. 

“He has a point,” Jessie widened her eyes at you. You shot her a look that made her course-correct. “I just mean I think it’s good for you to close the chapter. You’ve spent a long time having feelings for him and maybe it’s just time to let it die.”

You sighed, she was right. “I should have never even talked to him that night--and I said that! I told him I regret it and that I was drunk and I don’t feel anything now that I said I did.”

Jessie tilted her head to the side. “Do you?”

“No.”

“Y/N,” Bryn lifted an eyebrow.

“I’m trying not to,” you confessed.

Jessie let out a sigh. “I vote you get drunk tonight and ignore him if he shows up and who knows--maybe we’ll go to the Red Lion if people head that way and you can make out with Michael Waite.”

“M’not making out with Michael Waite.”

“I’d make out with Mollie Amsbury,” Bryn said. 

“We know,” you retorted quickly. “No one’s making out with anyone. We’re staying here.”

“Fine,” Jessie said, her phone buzzing on the carpet beside her. “Adam’s here.”

She disappeared up the stairs, Bryn plugged her phone into a cable and played music throughout the room. When Jessie descended the stairs--two at a time out of excitement--she was trailed by three people, not one.

Adam. Jake. Harry. 

Harry, Jake, Adam. 

Jake greeted you and Bryn with a smile and hug, speaking over his shoulder to Jessie, who’d reminded them all that they were welcome to spend the night. Her parents were out of town to see her older brother, they’d return the next morning. Bryn opened up some snacks, Adam set up a dart board on the wall. 

“Let’s talk later, yeah?” Harry spoke to you quietly, his back turned to the rest of them while he poured a drink. 

“About?”

“Us.”

“Us?” You didn’t know there was an us. 

“Yeah,” he nodded. 

“Maybe.” You said. 

He walked away, leaving you to wish that refilling your drink would erase the tension and the awkwardness. As if drinking more would make it less likely to come up. So you did what you’d grown used to over the last two years. You avoided him and did your best to act like you weren’t secretly watching his every move. As if twitter didn’t suggest his username when you opened the search function--or like your discover page on instagram wasn’t littered with pictures of the boy who walked home with you in the rain in Year 8. 

And you thought you were getting away with it. You both drank more and Jake seemed to get more and more competitive over the current game of darts he played against Bryn. So when you felt it was safe, you wandered upstairs to find the bathroom on the other side of Jessie’s parents’ living room.

The same blue carpet sat in front of the toilet--the crime scene of your first drunken night at 15. 

You wiped your hands on the towel, the flush of the toilet muffled noises from downstairs--it was close and you knew it. You weren’t about to miss the countdown and the cheering, the midnight shot of whiskey that usually left you on the floor. 

You opened the door, ready to race down the stairs to find them all excitedly crowded around the television. Instead, the living room was dark, but Harry stood in the middle of it, the blue light of a small telly let his figure glow. 

He had on the same show that you could hear floating up from the basement, but the show in front of you was muted. A busy scene in London unfolded--crowds and cheering as people waited for 2017 to exit. 

“What are you doing up here?”

“I wanted to talk.”

“I don’t think now is a good time,” you said, motioning to the growing excitement on the screen. Neon pink numbers flashed in the corner. Thirty seconds, twenty-nine, twenty-eight. 

“I’m sorry that things were a mess two years ago. I’m sorry it was such a--”

“Terrible night?”

“Yeah,” he laughed. “We were both really drunk.”

You stared at him, the room going silent just like the plane had. Twenty-one, twenty, nineteen. “I’m sorry I made things awkward.” 

He shook his head. “You didn’t, Smalls, that’s what I’ve been trying to tell you--if you’d listen.”

Thirteen, twelve, eleven.

A shrug of your shoulders, you glanced back at the telly. “We should go down there.” 

“We could stay here.” He took a step closer to you.

Your stomach seemed to get warm and for a second, you feared it would happen again. You could still feel your palms pressed to the floor, holding up your weight that night.

“I wish you still did feel the way you said you did two years ago,” he said.

“You do? Why?”

Five, four, three.

Instead of answering your question, he shrugged, looking over to the telly as confetti blasted over everyone on the South Bank. Noise erupted from the gang downstairs and Big Ben chimed loudly through the basement speakers.

“Always thought we’d be good together.”

“What?” You stuck your head out, unsure if you’d heard him correctly or if the two drinks you’d had were landing heavily on your still-recovering liver. 

He shrugged. “S’fine, though. I--I guess I missed my chance. I get that.”

“What the fuck are you two doing up here? It’s 2018!” Jessie flipped the light switch on quickly, her eyes going wide when she assessed the lack of space between you. You looked down, also unaware that somehow, you’d brought it down to a matter of mere inches.

A giant step back. “Coming down, sorry, I peed.”

“In the bathroom? Or out here?” Jessie’s face twisted into one of inebriated confusion.

“Yes in the bathroom,” you grunted back at her, a laugh escaping Harry’s lips. 

“We’re good, yeah?” Harry offered a hand between the two of you, to shake as if you’d finally closed a deal.

“Oh,” you looked over to Jessie, hoping she’d get the hint that now would be a good time for her to leave.

She didn’t though, she stared at both of you with a happy and drunk smile on her face. 

“Yeah,” you said, reaching forward to let your hand meet his. “We’re good.”

read the other parts here

AN: Thanks to everyone who has been sharing my excitement about this fic!!! Thank you for the messages and the love and for just READING IT!! Definitely some more hints in this chapter about The Incident. I hope you’re all excited to CRINGE over the full flashback.

tag list:  @clorenafila​ @ainsleesolareclipse @castawaycths @harryspirate @wanderlustiing @ursamajor603 @thurhomish @omgsharry @jdcharliewhiskey @stepping-into-the-light @rachkon​ @jdcharliewhiskey @sad-little-asshole  @shawnsblue​  @gendryia​ @g0bl1nqueen​  @laula843​  @flooome​  a-woman-without-a-plan @awomanindeniall​  @shaw-nm​ @staceystoleyourheart @ohprettylittlemind​ @anssu-amry​ @my-fandomful-life​ @stylesfantasy​ @bookingbee​  @mleestiles​  @haute-romance-quotidienne​ pinkpolaroidgirl craic-head-horan 

[chasingeast]

Day 24- Back to the Start- 9:24 A.M., January 12, 2020

 

So we spent yesterday (Saturday) celebrating S’s birthday a little earlier. She had a full day planned filled with munchies at D&B, ice skating, back to D&B for games, pizza, and finally a movie with snacks. It was a great day! I’m glad she had fun. At least I hope she did. 25 is a big birthday honestly. It’s the year when a lot of things happened for me. I can only imagine what she must be going through in her life too. It was great to spend some quality time with her friends. I can’t say I’m the best conversationalist, but I’m practicing. It can be hard to break through with K because I feel like we don’t have much in common aside from our professions. I could say the same about N too, but at least we’re from the same region. Friendship is a funny thing. You never know which direction it’ll go in. You never know if you’ll become close to someone or if you’ll have a falling out. I will say that I am very thankful for my friendship with S. I don’t know what I’d do without her. Life at work can drag at times. I get along with other people, but it’s different when you have someone on your side who understands you. It’s just nice to have that connection. I’m going to miss her dearly when she leaves to the next building. I don’t know who I’ll be able to share ideas with or be silly with. I hope that we’ll still be close even after she leaves. I also hope that I can build stronger relationships with others in the building, but I look around and think to myself with whom? Everyone has a family, everyone has obligations, and the ones who don’t always have some sort of agenda that typically backfires in my face. It’s much too tedious and just too exhausting to keep up with to be honest. I wish there was a solution to solve everything but unfortunately there is not. I suppose it’s just a matter of circumstance. I am very thankful for the people I have outside of work. I don’t know what I’d do without my friends. As much as I enjoy my alone time, I am very much a people person. I don’t need others to thrive off their happiness, but I definitely enjoy sharing my highs and lows with others. 

 

Today was eventful! I’m actually pretty happy about a statement my mom made. She said something along the lines of, “I wish I could as spontaneous as you” to which I replied that she could. All I did was decide to pack up all my things, roll myself over to the park to set up shop with my hammock and just enjoy. It really was a simple thing. I guess this would be an example of not wanting to spend the time or effort or needing to be around others. It was a nice day, a bit windy, but I managed. It was really nice, aside from not having anyone to help you watch your things in case you need to take a leak. The only thing I didn’t expect was to still see the stone walls. For some reason I thought it was destroyed. It was ingrained in my mind that it was no longer there, so I was definitely surprised. What’s more surprising was the fact that 4 years and 2 days ago, approximately, was the last time I took a photo of the very same spot. Was it really around this time of year that I went to visit this spot. Who would have known that I’d be back here once more, I certainly did not. There were so many memories at that court. My first midnight walk. My first piggyback ride by a stranger. Night sky watching. Hiding from patrols. Wondering how my future would look. So many realizations happened here in this very park. The same park which is looking grayer, dirtier, and more unkempt by the day. I wish there was a way to better preserve the pond and the grounds. And then it hit me again: do I live in a world where anything is possible? Do I have the courage to take charge of my own life and face it rather than letting it slip by me. Can I stand up to my family and friends, his family and friends, our obstacles, the unknown? Do I love myself? Am I able to be at my weakest? Am I ready to give all and possibly lose all? I wish I had the answers. I want to say yes, but how would I know for sure. What if after all this time, and more time of facing myself, confronting myself, changing myself for myself, you want nothing to do with me? What if after all this time, more importantly, what if I’m not happy with myself? What if I still see myself and think of myself as disgusting, and tainted, and ugly. I’m more afraid of whether I’ll be proud of myself or disappointed by myself. I don’t know who I’ll be. I know I’ve been working towards being better. Look at today! I’ve been working on my work ethic all day. Organizing and preparing myself. Do I still have many things to accomplish? Yes. Did I still forget to work on certain things? Yes. It’s just a process. I guess my bigger fear would be, what next? I’m not dependent on him saying yes to me to be happy. I admit, it might boost some of my happiness, but my love for all things won’t change. I am still planning on being independent. If I was in a relationship with someone, or in the process of, I would just be trying to find ways to fit them into my schedule. 

 

I guess my big question is just what is the purpose and meaning of life. What is the point of anyone living on this planet. Should we be working towards short term happiness and tangible items. Does life have to be to find a career and start a family? Should find a passion and then fall deep into it. Should we be constantly finding ways to make new goals or to figure out how our life should work and fit? Are we supposed to keep living with the thought that you’re working towards something else all the time? What about in the moment? And if none of these things are attainable, is there a point to it all? I’d like to think I’m working towards a meaningful life. At the moment I have my career. It’s not at its peak, but I’m certainly trying my hand at different things at work whether it be a volunteer opportunity or something else. I am becoming happier with the way I’m organizing my schedule and dedicating time to do certain things over others. I’m finding a better balance. I’m spending time with those I love and trying to unplug when necessary. I’m trying to live more in the moment and pay attention to what it happening, versus always planning for the next thing. I don’t have a significant other, but that’s okay because I’m plenty busy as is. I don’t have time for other particular hobbies and activities that I’d like to start or continue. 

 

Ahh speaking on trying different things. So I tried to sign up for a meetup event which is now logged in for my first event in February to volunteer at a community food bank! I’m excited. I’ve been wanting to do something at least every now and again. But of course, the only thing that stops me and makes me freeze is that somehow meet up recognized him and that we had been friends at a point in time. I think I remember at a time purposely avoiding certain groups because his face would pop up. It does still effect me greatly. 

 

But here's the thing again. I need to live. I need to live in a world where it's not possible. At least unless it's time. I need to stay in this world so that I can make my necessary growth and adjustments. And until then, only then, can I start to believe again if that's what I truly want. I've been telling myself for the past month, but I never usually listen. I have to let go. I have to do things right. I have to make this right for him and for us. I have to say goodbye and actually mean it. Otherwise nothing would be different. I cannot cling on like a long lost love like he did. I have to also find ways to deal with how I'll be able to handle everything. How will I be able to face all my struggles. In what way will I be able to stand taller than I ever had. Stronger than I ever had. Can I define myself? Can I define who I want to be? Do I have the bravery to face the world alone if need be? These are the things that I need to face. I need to see if I can face them. I need to envision, I need to practice. I need to build up my stamina. Whether thinking about him or just using some imaginary force. In what way can I build a fortress strong enough to protect us both. I need to find a way. I need to be prepared to give it my all but also with the lingering possibility

[risprinabeachw-blog]

Ex girlfriend dating new guy

Ex Dating Someone Else When she does get in touch with you, keep the conversation short and tell her you're going out.  Just after breaking up with you, any romance your ex jumps into is probably nothing more than a rebound relationship.  Although, I feel better now, there are times when I feel sad and lonely.  Adopt Positive Mindsets Every setback is a challenge.  If you see her together with someone else, you might think your world will cease to exist.  When we used to discuss, she had the habit of cutting me off, or dismissing my views or simply, not taking in my suggestions.  We secretly got back together for two months because everyone in my fam was against it.

Why is My Ex Girlfriend Lying About Having a New Boyfriend? To do this right, you have handled all the issues that make the two of you break up, no matter if it was jealousy or you got sloppy which can help turn things around.  Now even though the girl who did the call is really admitting her mistake and is ready to say sorry to my Rx gf.  I think if she changes her mind or not is irrelevant at this point.  I have my reasons for lying to him anyway.  After I broke rule 1 I started to feel the pain again real bad even thought of suicide.

How To Get Over Your Ex Its been 4 days that its difficult too get out of bed, and i cry and cry like never before in my life.  Could be the case, but the next question becomes, why were you attracted to a narcissist in the first place? It does sound like you got sucked in to some degree.  Besides this she has left me with the below feelings: 1 I am not finacially sound.  On the contrary — this new person could actually help you get back together with your ex.  The fact that you were oblivious to this indicates that you were out of touch with what was going through her mind.  I had to take them to counseling.

3 Things You Shouldn’t Do When Your Ex Starts Dating Someone Else Do you love him more than you loved me when we were happy? I guess this pain had to be aknowledged and cried, and feels good to cry after so many years but i also feel very tired.  And I am trying to do any task told by you Sir.  Thank you for the article though, I will put it on practice.  So wish them well, and move on! Now after breakup she talks to her ex, commutes with him.  She knew I was emotionally unstable and she did nothing to help me also and I am 100% sure now it was deliberate to take advantage of me.

Why is My Ex Girlfriend Lying About Having a New Boyfriend? I started seeing this other women to try and help get over my ex and I knew I made a big mistake.  She is very attractive and has a great body and could get almost any guy she is attracted to.  For a start, she is going to realize replacing you with the new guy was impossible and the thought of finding true love is not something that is easy.  These things will give your ex the impression that something in your life has changed, and that soon she may be losing you for good.  It does seem like she has moved on totally.  But I said if we both continue to work this amount should be sufficient.  Dropping Out Of Sight - Making Your Ex Miss You As in the case of most break ups, the more she sees or hears from you the less your exgirlfriend will be thinking about you.

How to get Your Ex Express interest in hearing from her, but also be extremely busy.  We went to see a counselor as our relationship bregan to grow into something bigger.  She kept avoiding me, never called me, manipulated me into doing things that would benefit her and her family. .  Low and behold she is now dating someone else and kept it from me as well as lies to me about being with this guy.  Planting The Best Seeds of Your Past Relationship One of the most successful methods for getting your ex back from another guy is by filling her head with great memories the two of you shared together.  Unless you have kids together, be creative in keeping no contact.

How To Get Over Your Ex So, when I met her at the start of this year, it was a breath of fresh air and I quite liked the feeling of being in a relationship.  You should go no contact, get rid of the pictures and work on becoming comfortable on your own.  It really hit me that she was gone.  Follow these steps and report back on the blog or in the forums: 1.  Once you let you let your guard down for someone, and they leave you, it hurts.  Anyway im hanging in there, and the last thing i want to say is to all people, men or women who are suffering is feel your pain and seek to heal it by anymeans necesarry, hang in there, it gets better even though it seems impossible.  This pains takes me over every day and seeing her I feel restless to meet her an talk to her as if I am a stalker.

How To Get Over Your Ex I want you to sweat your ass off this week.  I am damaged and left for dead.  Something you can say when you get caught off-guard by her, both of them, or any other situation.  I would say something sarcastic, or tell a joke at a time when she would want us to both be talking about something serious.  Try and see the situation without all the emotions that are attached now.

Ex Dating Someone Else After week I like bumped into her , she came from front and spoke to me … This again happend again recently when I bumped at her.  So if you feel uneasy and uncomfortable approaching new people, you have my permission to ignore those feelings.  So, what should you do instead? Join a team, attend a meetup, pick up a new hobby.  Hey Jack, In cases like this it helps to walk through the encounters in your imagination.  I should mention that we like to travel and we had a long distance relationship since the first of the year since we both took jobs in different cities at the same time.  The girl was ready to compromise on all, but her parents refused, somewhere in March,2013.

How To Get Over Your Ex Do you feel bad about losing her or do you feel bad about her finding someone else? She'll also feel pressed to accept because you're fitting her into your busy schedule.  She dumped me and started seeing a guy.  I analysed the problem and found ways in which we could fix it.  It starts when you say this pain is not worth it anymore.  It is very hard to go through this and it is nice to know there are others who understand how you feel.  I ended up ending the relationship.  Our relationship consisted of lies and cheating and breaking up a lot because of her and I would just react with the same thing.