#i am. lacking in inspiration today but i want to do SOMETHING art related so

[galactic-pirates]

💌

Thank you for the ask! ❤️

Share something with us about an up-and-coming work (WIP) that has you excited!

I’m not really writing at the moment at all. I’ve been in a bad place mentally for most of this year. I had such big plans too which is gutting. My first priority was to finish my NaNo novel from last year. I do love that story. It’s Book One of a steampunk trilogy. Inspired by Bering and Wells 😉 I’ve not got very far towards finishing it, there’s at least 30k left as it’s going to be long. I think 100k when it’s done. No idea when I will be in the mental space to get back to it.

I have been trying to do art. Though that hasn’t been going all that well either. The Year of the OTP gave me so many ideas, and I got a Leverage Bingo card (more ideas) and I already had so many. Plus with how season three of Picard went I am fairly desperate to make something Saffi related to ease my heart. Seven and Raffi deserved better dammit.

A big problem is actually picking the project. I am better with deadlines. Case in point today I did actually post for the Bering and Wells Big Bang. Unfortunately the Bingo deadline is nearly up and I have mentally written it off already 🙄

So many ideas and so few spoons. Plus I keep putting stuff off in the hope I will develop my skills, so when I do the thing, I might actually do it justice. I had a bunch of Saffi ideas last year that I never drew because I wanted to improve first. A year later (still not improved due to lack of practice as I have not done the courses I said I should do first) and yeeeeah no further forward.

Anyway I was supposed to be saying about what excited me about a WIP and this is a ramble in actually trying to work out what the hell that could be. My apologies.

I suppose what I like about the art WIPs is breaking out the supplies. I have a lot of mental resistance to starting but it is so satisfying seeing something I made on paper. It didn’t exist and then I made marks and now there’s a picture. Probably not a very good picture but it’s still making something from nothing. I get a bit of a thrill from that. It’s like magic :)

[3eep]

13.09.2024 Why I draw

I've been in an art block for the last couple of years, maybe since I started doing art as a job, and I think I finally figured out why and how to get out of it, I thought about writing this privately or not writing it at all but it may be useful to anyone that may be going through the same thing.

I knew I had some kind of art block or burn out for a while now, but I never stopped drawing because of my job or because I wanted to keep moving my personal projects forward even if it was little by little, I also never stopped because I've had small instances of art block in the past and resting never helped, it just kinda gets me out of it when I rest, it stops the groove, the inspiration, something like that. I've watched a bunch of videos on the subject and some things have helped but I don't think I have overcome this burn out/art block combo entirely (some of the things that helped a little were to turn off social media or any distraction, focus on my end goals, stop overthinking the process of drawing and just get to it, going back to draw the subjects that interested me when I was the most productive and inspired, rearranging my art space, trying other media, having my tools close and ready to use, etc.)

But just today I came across two videos that covered a different subject: that you don't really need skill to make a hit as an artist, they pretty much said what you would guess: expand your drawing subjects, try new things, do marketing, etc. There's also a big point that as a comic artist I've always been aware about, what people end up caring the most about is the content of your art, the story you're telling, the emotions you're evoking, the connection they can make with you through your art, it's all about feeling connected and understood. And I agree, my favorite artists are the ones that bared their hearts and personality to the public as much as they could, I know this is what makes art good, I can look at the scribble of a child and tbh as long as they left a part of them in that scribble, as long as they drew it with all their heart I can tell it's good art.

But I don't want to do that.

I never wanted to do that, I've always resisted the idea of baring myself to a bunch of strangers, I hate the idea of performing as myself to entertain everyone else, I'm not even interested in being perceived, I always thought there had to be another way to make it as an artist without opening up, but now those videos confirmed to me that doing just that is inherently the key to making good art, to make a hit; I have to accept it even if I don't want to do it...... but do I really lack the basic human need for connection and communication we all inherently have? Do I really not want to connect? to open up? I actually don't feel I don't want to connect entirely, so who do I want to connect with? who do I draw my comics for if not for my self?

why do I make art?

if right now I drew something with the sole purpose of showing it to someone else, connecting and baring a piece of myself, who would I want it to be for? I do feel the need to connect, but only with my friends--

My friends. this is who I want to draw for.

I've been burnt out because I stopped drawing for the only reason I wanted to draw: to connect with my friends. I want to show them who I am, what I like, what I think, how I feel. Fan art? I want to show my friends the shows I like and how I percieve them. Comics? I want to make comics that make them laugh and relate to the stories, I do want my friends to see all of me, no wonder why I was so burnt out ever since I started taking art as my job, I was just drawing for money, I never cared about that, and even in my personal projects I was just drawing for numbers, I never really cared about that either; but the thought of drawing something for the sole purpose of showing the result to my friends seems infinitely more appealing than everything else.

I have yet to proove it but I'm sure this is how I'll get out of this art rut, I remember the times when I was full of passion and drive to make art and specially comics, it was in middle school, I couldn't draw my comics fast enough to show my friends, I drew so many comics back then, it is also when I started posting online, I wanted to show my friends what I was doing even if I didn't have them right in front of me, that connection with my friends has always been my drive to draw, I've always been ecstatic to show my drawings to them even today, I just had to remember my motivations and be aware of why I draw.

[drew-mga2022mi6021]

Conceptualisation | Brief Analysis and Exploration

To begin exploring, I put down all my unrefined and rough thoughts on paper in the form of a mind map. To begin, I started out with my concepts and divided each section into what I want to say through the final film, my inspirations and my proposed thesis statement in relation to the film. I will go through each topic individually in more depth in their own blog posts for ease of access later on.

Additionally, I tried to bring forward certain themes and evolve some aspects of my initial concepts, which resulted in an evolution of my concept of Solarpunk. Throughout this refinement process, I found myself coming back to the key questions the brief asks of us.

What do you want to be known for?

Concept Art from my upcoming children's book

The internship programme we were made to embark on over the last 3 months was not exactly an industry internship for me. I worked at the MJF Charitable Foundation, a place that aids people with disabilities and families in poverty. Learning beyond design helped me gain perspective in my own life and work, and how I could use my skills to impact the lives around me.

A long-term assignment that I have been working on is to create a book to educate young audiences. The story itself is unrelated to the main message (an underlying theme in my work). As a kid, I have always been entranced by novels. I know that I have always wanted to write. However, since pursuing a degree in animation, it would be more accurate to say that I now have a passion for storytelling.

Storytelling itself does not mean just animation or writing. Stories could be told through environments, through games, through simple photographs. I want to explore every avenue that I can to tell stories. Looking back on my track record of work, it's not very specific. I've done space renders, experimented with pixel art in 3D space, created models to be printed in 3D, written and illustrated books, done 2D animations, curated exhibitions for festivals, created large installation artworks for said festivals, and even to a certain extent art direction.

This leads into the most important question the brief asks of me; what do I want to be known for?

The short answer; everything, I want to do everything. The long answer; I don't really know? All I know is that I want to create. My first love was writing, then 2d animation, then mixed media, then photography and most recently children's books. However, amidst all this, I noticed a distinct lack of something in the cultural sphere. If one were to take popular media today, the results would be polarising. They are either heavily centred around the West or the East. There is a lack of South Asian stories in the world. And no, I do not mean stories that are overtly South Asian, such as Rama and Seeta or the story of The Buddha. No, I mean that there is a lack of modern stories set in South Asia, that utilise the resources that South Asia brings to the table.

Shehan Karunatilake - Author of the Best Selling The Seven Moons of Maali Almeida

One man that I am inspired by time and time again is the writing of Shehan Karunatilake, who does exactly what I have described. I am not saying that I want to be the next Mr. Karunatilake. I want to add more meaningful stories set in this tiny island that we live on. I want to put Sri Lanka back on the map as a society with the talent to tell stories, to innovate and to design.

Lofty aspirations aside, I do have another goal. A much more selfish one. Simply put, I want to make people happy. I want to make people feel comfort and warmth. I want to make people feel deep emotions through my work. This is why I am so taken by stories like Hilda. A children's show that tackles deep subjects in a comforting way. Ultimately, I want to make people feel.

And so we return full circle to the question of what do I want to be known for? I think the best answer to this question is that I want to simply be known for weaving touching narratives, regardless of medium; a storyteller, if you will. I want to be known as that one person your friend calls when they tell someone "Hold on, I know a guy." And I think the best place to plant those seeds is with my final film.

What ideas have you been yearning to bring into the world?

Scientifically Accurate Render of The Earth from Space - Drew de Silva

My brain is constantly working on overtime, even when I am supposed to be resting. I find that my best ideas come to me in a vision, whilst pacing around my room with questionable intent. I'm constantly bouncing between the idea of bringing fun, short stories to the world just for the sake of being fun, or creating sprawling, touching narratives that speak to a very specific niche of the human psyche. I thought this was a good place to begin when constructing my mind map. This would result in me creating the divisions to flesh out each concept that I had chosen thus far.

Sometimes, I find myself working on ideas for so long that I forget how they really started. Over the last decade (wow, I am OLD), I've been working on and off on a concept for some stories that I eventually want to tell the world. I've worked on it for so long that the idea that I have now is completely unrecognisable from the one that I started with. However, while the story and characters may have changed, there is one thing that did not; the emotions. The stories that I yearn to bring the world are ones of hope, of inspiration, of comfort and of love. Essentially, I want to create things that, while not necessarily 100% happy, eventually bring comfort to the viewer in the end.

What is the best project to demonstrate all of the skills you have learned so far?

An Excerpt from I Love Bugs and Why I'm Scared of Dying - Drew de Silva

Tied with my MI5018 submission for my favourite project that I have worked on thus far is the answer to my Experimental Motion Graphics brief. This project truly allowed me to explore all the things that I loved in animation; composition, traditional and digital 2d animation, mixed media, stop motion and more unorthodox methods of creating engaging visuals such as screen printing.

My main passion in this field is digital 2D animation, which is why I loved creating my VFX film last year. Therefore, my final film would be mainly composed of 2D animation. Similarly, while (at this stage) I do not intend to pursue as many media as I did for that project, I intend on experimenting with other media for the final outcome of this film.

What does the world need right now?

Amidst the countless ruthless conflicts that are happening across the world, the growing climate crisis and the general apathy that our society has built up over the years, the world is in a constant state of disarray. Does the world even care about what I have to say? Does the world need more Sri Lanka? More Drew?

I think the people of the world need to shut up and listen to each other for five seconds. To slow down and really enjoy the things that we have. I think that the world needs more stories with happy endings. Maybe then, we can carve our own.

[bvannn]

Weekly Recap Jan 20 2023:

This week I was surprisingly productive, despite classes starting back up. I was able to complete the Biosheets for the main characters for the primary story I am working on. All the characters have received positive attention on discord, tumblr, and reddit so far, which gives me confidence in developing a story (thanks to all the lovely people who left nice comments, it really means the world!). It will likely still not become anything significant anytime soon, but I was also able to complete an outline this week which is far more complete than I had anticipated. I have also started getting into specifics of it, which will likely continue in the coming weeks.

The secondary OC-related story has one Biosheet illustrated, though it lacks text. After being stuck with a few important missing story pieces for years, Inspiration has finally hit and progress on writing/conceptualizing has resumed. I have been mainly focusing on the story set in the O’Malley Foster Home as my primary and the stage play themed story as my secondary, though gears have also been turning for a few others that have been on the back burner, especially the one about the Crow. I want to focus on the primary and secondary for the time being, though characters from others may get drawing every once in a while, which I won’t be shy to post.

Over break I was able to start a sewing project. It is effectively on hold until March due to inaccessibility of equipment. I may be able to pull aside some patterns for doll clothes to use as bases, but apart from that it will remain on hiatus.

I bought FL Studio on impulse while it was on sale, and also received a supposedly better microphone for recording music as a gift. I hope that I can record some piano and eventually add other instruments with FL, though the microphone has given my computer a very hard time. As of right now I have recorded two improvised piano arrangements of touhou without the new mic, and posted one to newgrounds. I plan to post the other once I have the time and motivation to draw up another art piece to promote it. Time permitting I will attempt to use the new mic again, and record some more video game arrangements, likely Touhou, Zelda, Kid Icarus, or Xenoblade. Any original pieces are a long way off yet, though they are an eventual goal.

I decided at the beginning of the year to participate in Inktober 52, and I was able to complete a piece by the Thursday deadline this week, though I was not able to post it until today, as I deemed the Biosheets more important. The prompt for this next week is easy to work with, but will also be ink heavy, I hope I do not smudge it like I did yesterday.

I was able to start a new DnD campaign today, and it is likely my other one will resume this semester as well. The only character art I have this time is rather low quality and I will likely complete a more detailed drawing at some point. The campaign has a much more interesting setting than I had anticipated, and I was already excited before. I may draw a few pieces in celebration, given my energy.

My main pet project at the moment aside from my OCs is the TRG Animated project, as I would rather do a lower stakes fan animation before hopping into something more ambitious. Despite Adobe’s best efforts, I was able to save Jon’s rig from corruption, and complete ~85% of Tim’s rig, as well as 95% of Emile’s rerig (because he was kinda scuffed ngl). I still need a few pieces for Tim, like his Face and Hands, and Emile needs new Shin pieces, as I have decided I don’t like his current ones, but other than that, they’re almost ready. I will try a test animation a bit more complicated than I have done so far, to push myself. It will feature both of them directly interacting, as I have yet to animate two characters making physical contact with one another. This also means I can test both rigs at the same time. During this time I will also be selecting a clip to animate, as while I have one I’m certainly holding on to, I’d rather open with a clip from one of the Mario Parties. People really seem to like the Mario Party DS playthrough, but honestly I don’t find Jon getting mad and yelling all that funny, especially when it’s so frequent, so I’ll leave it to someone else. I’ll watch back through the other playthroughs, I’m sure I’ll find something.

Amongst all the art stuff I have managed to keep up well with homework so far. I anticipate this will not continue, as labs will eat up a lot of time, though I hope I can keep up the pet projects, as they have really helped my mood as of late. Thank you to anyone who read this far, or read this at all. I want to try giving updates weekly, as to help me collect my thoughts, and keep track of my projects. I hope they are worth it. I promise they won’t all be this long, I just got a lot done this week.

[recurring-polynya]

Writing/Art Update 3/4/2022

So, I think I am going to stop doing word counts for a bit. My lizard brain gets extremely motivated by numbers going up, so when I am in nose-to-the-grindstone mode, they are very helpful, but when I’m not, they are actually counterproductive. A fun story about me is that when I was pregnant the second time, I tried to use a food tracker app to make sure I was getting enough vegetables and iron and stuff. It also tracked calories. I never really gained enough weight with my first pregnancy so I knew, logically, that calories were good and important, but if I had to look at how many calories I had eaten each day, I could not stop trying to make that number as small as possible, and anyway, I had to delete the app.

I was trying to explain this last week, and I didn’t do a very good job because I was also depressed, but I saw this diagram once (I googled, but I couldn’t find exactly what I was looking for), that said that an actual and real part of the creative process is, for lack of a better word, feeding yourself-- reading, watching movies, getting inspired. I have been working so hard at just ever having any time to get anything down on the page for maybe the last two years that I gotten out of the habit of doing any of this. 

I really rebelled against the idea of saying I am taking a break from writing, because I’m not. a) of all, any time I want to write, I am going to write, I’m just not going to prioritize writing as something I make myself do when I don’t feel inspired to. b) “Taking a break” implies I am relaxing, and I’m not, I am intentionally trying to do things to get my creativity flowing. I am also just trying to get back on making writing a side thing I do and not, like, my job that I work at 40 hours a week and don’t get paid for, so I am trying to do more household stuff. I always get sort of torpid in the winter, so it would be good to do a little more cleaning and then yard work when the weather permits. (also taxes)

I actually feel like I had a pretty good week in this regard, in that I was actually able to think about some of my stories this week and come up with a few scenes I am excited about, and I even did an outline for the last two acts of a little in love (I hate outlining, so this was An Achievement). I did a teensy bit of writing, because I felt like it, and as soon as I counted it up (it was like 450 words) and I immediately felt guilty for not writing more which was not the point, so I am just not doing word counts for now. I do wish my brain would settle on one story to work on instead of bopping between three different ones (not counting the one that is 95% done that I would really like to just finish and get off my plate, except that I don’t particularly feel like thinking about it) but maybe that’s too much to ask at the moment.

I did read two volumes of Battle Angel Alita, which one of the first manga I ever read. (Mr. P loaned them to me when we were first dating) It is incredibly violent and gory, but the story is also very thoughtful and introspective, and I can see a lot of themes in it that I still incorporate into my writing today. The way I write Rukia has a non-zero amount of Alita in her, and I’ve been thinking quite a bit about the Scrapyard/Tiphares (I think the elite city is Zalem in later translations, but mine are so old that they’re printed left to right) and how it relates to Rukongai/the Seireitei. It’s also kind of fun because we’ve been rewatching Trigun, which has a lot of the same ideas, but comes at them from a very different angle.

I had also kinda got into a place with our tv watching where we had gotten kinda bored-- we both hate season 2 of the Witcher after loving season 1, which was disappointing, and we were stuck in the absolutely interminable Dark Tournament arc of Yu Yu Hakushou. We picked up a few new things, and I am now looking forward to tv time again. Here’s our current lineup:

Touch Your Heart - this is a kdrama about a scandal-marked kdrama actress who takes a job as a secretary at a law firm in the hopes that it will land her the role that will get back into acting, except that she has to work for an extremely straight-laced defense attorney. It stars the actors who played the Grim Reaper and Sunny in Goblin, and it is delightful. I also really enjoy dissecting the way the romance is set up and whether or not the characters are good for one another-- kdramas are really good for romance writers if you enjoy thinking about the mechanics of stuff. Also words cannot describe how much I am in love with Kwon Jung-rok, the lawyer character, he is extremely My Type. (Oh Soon-yeo is fine, she’s extremely cute and the fact that she cares for Jung-rok says a lot for her, but I am just trash for a hard-working autistic lawyer man who everyone says is cold but actually feels too much)

Trigun, as mentioned, we are about halfway thru, it’s time to get into the part where it Gets Weird.

Fruits Basket. Neither of us has seen any version of this show before; we are extremely mystified by everything about it. The sad guy who turns into a seahorse is my favorite.

Revolutionary Girl Utena. I watched part of this about twenty years ago and definitely did not get it at the time. My husband had never even heard of it, but he loves Weird Shit like prog rock and French animation. I mostly wanted to watch it because I am sure, in my bones, that The Locked Tomb was influenced by this show, and I am trying to build my case. Anyway, this show is so weird, we are having a fabulous time with it.

Anyway, so that’s what I’m into this week. I am trying to finish up another illustration for the last chapter of What We Do with Our Hearts (I meant to do more, but it looks like it’s just gonna be the two... I can always do more later if I feel like it, I suppose). It’s been ages since I did a tutorial, and doing straight-up learning stuff is still really important for me with my art, so I will probably try to do that next. I am toying with the idea of maybe taking some sketch requests? I do nearly all finished pieces these days, which are so much work, and I think it might be good for my brain to do some things quickly, like as an exercise. I dunno. I am trying to weigh in my mind whether that would be Fun or just Stressful.

Oh, and the last thing I did this week was make a fish pie, which was good for me, mentally, I think. I have not done much baking lately, and it was nice to have a success.

[amphtaminedreams]

Sitting Front Row at...(On a Budget Obvs): Lookbook no.15

Hey to anyone reading!

And welcome to my fave lookbook I’ve done in a longggg ass time! Yes, that’s partially because it involved making collages and doing the low effort work of scouring Vogue Runway for “research purposes”, but I promise, that statement wasn’t made out of COMPLETE laziness-I am super happy with it too. It’s been a good use of pre-part-lockdown-lift time in the interim between that brief period of Christmas celebrations and eateries finally fucking opening again because let’s be honest, I always knew I was gonna get distracted by oat milk vanilla lattes and veggie all day breakfasts once I could actually sit down with them at my fave local cafe. You could say I was very much operating on a self-imposed deadline.

The “what I would wear to sit front row at...[insert designer here]” TikTok/Instagram reel trend was something I wanted to get on board with ever since I first saw one and whilst the option of doing my own live action take-I really cannot bear the thought of having to edit footage of myself awkwardly attempting to sit nonchalantly in front of a camera for hours on end-was off the cards considering my complete lack of screen presence, I decided a Tumblr text post would work just as well, and if not even better in a way. Given the absence of the time limitations you face when you’re making a reel or a TikTok I thought it’d be cool to present the looks as part of a mini moodboard for each designer which adds a bit of context to each look even if you aren’t familiar with their past collections and establishes the general vibe of the brand I’m attempting to replicate. Not to sound snotty or as if I am the font of all knowledge on anything high fashion related but even with my amateur knowledge I noticed that as the video trend took off and was adopted by big name influencers, it became less about the average person putting their own personal spin on the aesthetic of the labels we can’t ordinarily afford and more about them building outfits that only vaguely resemble the general public perception of the brand around the real corresponding (and often gifted and thus inaccessible to someone who doesn’t makes thousands for a sponsored post) pieces they own SO I thought I’d take the trend back to its roots and get a bit resourceful. All that being said, in no particular order, here are the outfits I would wear to sit front row at Gucci, Vera Wang, Miu-Miu, Marc Jacobs, Dolce & Gabbana, Brock Collection, Alexander McQueen, Etro, Burberry aaaand Saint Laurent based on their past collections and guess what? They didn’t cost a shit tonne of money :-)

-disclaimer: will include an asterisk before any new purchases if from a high street store though to be honest, I don’t think there are any, we shall see! I do include where I got old purchases from in case anyone wants to search anything on Depop/Ebay-

1. Saint Laurent (formerly Yves Saint Laurent)

-blazer from identityparty on Depop, pleather trousers from Zara, jewellery from Dolls Kill-

I know technically abbreviating Saint Laurent to YSL doesn’t really make much sense anymore given the brand’s name change in 2012, but I’ll always think of it as that in the same way I’ll always associate it with the slightly dishevelled yet simultaneously glitzy rock n’ roll aesthetic. The thing is, whilst YSL hasn’t done anything wildly out of the box for a long time, it’s rare they put a look on the runway that I wouldn’t wear; they never end up being a fashion week standout but the Parisienne take on grunge we’ve seen Anthony Vaccarello establish as his go-to will always have a place in my heart. 

2. Alexander McQueen

-embroidered leather jacket from Ebay (originally Topshop), harness from Amazon, dress from ASOS, boots from Koi Vegan Footwear-

Alexander McQueen is a brand that is pretty much universally liked, from the historically extravagant and groundbreaking shows the man himself put together to Sarah Burton’s more toned down but still beautiful collections. Obviously I didn’t attempt to do justice to the former, so I tried my hand at putting together a look inspired by Sarah’s blend of delicate femininity and nomadic edge, and it went...okay? Like it’s definitely not my favourite of all the looks because it does give off slightly cheap copycat vibes buuut outside of the context of this lookbook it’s cute.

3. Brock Collection

-boater hat from Ebay, midi skirt from morganogle on Depop, corset top from ownmode_, heels from amybeckett1, bag from Primark-

Brock isn’t as well known a brand as most of the others in this list but I adore everything Laura Vassar Brock does and I couldn’t pass up an opportunity to try and channel the vision of one of the OG pioneers of the cottagecore vibe through my own wardrobe. I mean fr, this woman’s work as a steady provider of meadow photoshoot worthy dresses and corsets and skirts is v slept on and I will not stand for it. I will sit in front of a camera and then write a paragraph in my blog post begging anybody who reads to give LVB (an abbreviation I acknowledge is unlikely to catch on because Lisa Vanderpump anybody?) some form of acknowledgement for her services to period romance novel inspired moodboards everywhere.

4. Marc Jacobs

-coat from House of Sunny, white shirt from Retro World Camden, co-ord from Sugar Thrillz, bag from Poppy Lissiman-

If there’s one thing Marc Jacobs always does, it’s COMMITS. TO. HIS. THEME. I just KNOW he has a secret Pinterest with separate boards for every fashion era of the 20th century and he is putting those boards to good use providing us with collections that are as immersive as they are eclectic year in year out. 

5. Miu Miu

-beret from H&M, hair clips from H&M, jewellery from Primark, coat from mollyyemmaa on Depop, shirt from YesStyle, sweater vest from YesStyle, skirt from Depop, diamanté belt from Brandy Melville, shoes from Koi Vegan Footwear-

We all like to talk about Bratz dolls and Monster High dolls and Barbies as fashion inspo but can we all focus on Cabbage Patch dolls for two secs so as to acknowledge the fact that a Miu Miu collection is basically all their fits grown up? And made boujie as fuck? If I want my fix of Wes Anderson meets Scream Queens (what a combo) inspired outfits, if I want prissy and girlish but also glam, if I want to look like a bratty rich girl whose one redeeming quality is her eye for vintage clothes, I know where to look and that is the Miu Miu section of Vogue Runway. 

6. Vera Wang

-blazer as in no.1, velvet bralet from catdegaris on Depop, harness from Amazon, skirt from Ebay, knee high socks from Ebay, lace up boots from Ebay-

Vera Wang’s RTW aesthetic, a blend of the ethereal, ultra-feminine bridal designs she’s known for and British style punk rock influences, is something I feel has only become firmly established in recent years but it is everything I ever wanted and more. I always find myself trying to balance the part of me that loves everything girly and delicate and pretty and the part of me that would love to be in a biker gang and Vera’s collections are always an inspirational reminder of just how well it can be done.

7. Burberry

-coat from charity shop, suit from emmafisher3 on Depop, top from simranindia, shirt underneath from Zara, jewellery from ASOS-

Now I’m not gonna lie, I’m not the biggest fan of Burberry but there have been a few looks over the past few years I’ve really liked and as someone who owns numerous trench coats, high necks and way too much plaid, I thought it’d be an easy one to replicate. Plus, if you can count on Riccardo Tisci for nothing else you at least can rely on him giving you some layering inspo which is very much needed in a country where it literally just snowed in April and where my plans for today have just been cancelled because the iPhone weather app did a Karen Smith and didn’t predict rain for today right up until it started raining so thanks for that one British meteorologists. Your incompetence strikes again.

8. Etro

-corset from Urban Outfitters, vinyl trench coat from Topshop, boots from Ebay, black slip dress from kaoanaoleinik on Depop, fur trim afghan coat from louisemarcella-

Like with Brock Collection, Etro isn’t a hugely well known brand, but it is always one of my favourites-to add a spanner into the works of any attempts to cultivate a firm sense of personal style, I live for the ornate Bohemian look that Etro does so well just as much as I love both grungy and girly pieces, and so I really wanted to include a brand whose collections go down that route. It was a toss-up between this and Zimmerman, the flirtier, free spirit counterpart to the dark romance of Veronica Etro’s designs; her vision really shines through the most when it comes to the brand’s winter collections, imo, and given that I live in a country where winter or some weather state resembling it does seem to take up 70% of the year, I did decide on channelling her work rather than that of the equally talented Nicky and Simone Zimmermann this time round.

9. Dolce & Gabbana

-flower crown from ASOS, tiara from Amazon, earrings from YesStyle, dress from alicealderdice1 on Depop, opera gloves from Ebay, boots from Koi Vegan Footwear-

D&G is a brand I felt really conflicted about doing-I don’t include their current collections in my fashion week reviews based on the actions of designers Stefano Gabbana and Domenico Dolce over the last few years because I don’t want to mitigate the collective effort of fashion critics to push them towards irrelevancy. Though people like to claim the brand has turned a corner since Lucio Di Rosa was brought on board as the manager of celebrity and VIP relations last year (they are as prolific a force on red carpet fashion as ever), we haven’t seen any real meaningful apologies or reparations made by Dolce and Gabbana themselves which once again leaves us in the all too familiar quandary of whether or not we can separate the art from the artist especially when it is far too much of a simplification to only credit the two men for their work given there’s a whole design team behind them. There are a LOT of shitty people working in fashion, the whole industry is a bit of a cesspit if we’re honest, but I don’t think that should stop us from at least being able to appreciate old collections if we make sure we aren’t engaging in any kind of promotion of current works whilst doing so. D&G are a brand of high highs and low lows, with looks that range from hideously ugly to showstoppingly beautiful in a single show-when the looks are good, they are GOOD-and their presence in the fashion world is most definitely felt whether we want it to be or not. It would just be shit to refuse to recognise the existence of some real iconic runway moments, the practical work that went into the ornate detail and opulence that helped cement D&Gs place in sartorial history, the styling that’s made goddesses and fairytale queens out of modern day women as they’ve glided down catwalks, the far more extravagant and, let’s be real, sexier version of our world D&G shows have transported us to in the past. Will I talk about D&G ever again? No, and if you Google the scandals their brand has faced over the past few years, there are more than enough reasons why, but just this once I did want to pay homage to some of the collections, the snippets of which I saw on my Tumblr dashboard back when I was about 13, that first got me into fashion.

10. Gucci

-fur coat from Topshop, clips from Zaful, glasses from Ebay, dress from gracewright246 on Depop, shirt from Boohoo, blazer from charity shop-

Now last but, if you ever read any of my fashion week reviews (the likelihood of someone actually having read one of them and reading this is incredibly, incredibly slim lol, I wouldn’t read me either) you’ll know, definitely not least, is Gucci because Alessandro Michele comes through every!! single!! time!!

The man is truly the king of quirky throwback maximalism and it hurts my heart that a lot of people seem to think of it only as a brand associated with ostentatious displays of wealth. Year after year since Michele was made creative director he has released purposeful, fully-fleshed out collections which unravel themselves to us on the runway like time capsules containing the belongings of the rich and whimsical and yes that can sometimes result in outfits which are *ahem* a bit mismatched but it doesn’t matter because through fashion he manages to take us to a vivid version of the past where people could dress as freely and lavishly as they wanted to, into the wardrobe of a person unaffected by the side-eyeing of others. You get the impression he doesn’t design so much as plays around with some kind of enchanted dress up box and takes inspiration from there and to give that impression is only a credit to his talent-to make outfits so kooky and extravagant look like they were meant to be takes a boldness and genuine love for clothes that I do tend to feel a lot of the big name designers have lost in the pursuit of profit and the necessary placating of the dying customer base that keeps that coming in. Of course I'm not for a second saying Gucci does not care about profit, but at the very least, they have on board a creative director who genuinely has fun with what they’re putting out there and wants to make a statement too and that really shows; you can rest on your laurels and sell tweed boucle jackets to rich old white women for eternity but nobody’s going to mention your brand name and the word groundbreaking in the same sentence ever again unless they’re talking about what it was a century ago, you know (mentioning no names...unless...did I hear someone say Chanel)? That feels like such a shady way to end, lol, but I’m sure said brand will survive-to be fair, they’ve been included in every other What I’d Wear to Sit Front Row At video I’ve seen so although I’m always slagging them off for doing the saaaaame thinggggg year after year, for that same reason their aesthetic is instantly recognisable and so will always be a source of imitation. There are obviously pros and cons to being a brand which constantly reinvents itself but I think it’s totally possible to do that whilst maintaining an overall mission, and Alessandro Michele’s work at Gucci demonstrates that with ease.

Anyway, if you got to here, thanks for reading! I know I’m super behind on this whole TikTok trend and I know a Tumblr post instead of a video is a bit of a cop out but all the real, physically awkward ones out there know that watching yourself back is excruciating lmao, so I hope this does the trick. After this, I’m gonna get back to the reviewing S/S21 collections post though knowing me I’ll probs take a few days to get back into that because I feel like since I left full-time education (RIP me going back in a few months) writing continuously like this for any longer than about 15 mins fries what brain cells I have left. Again, thank you for reading and if you are, sending many good vibes your way! Stay safe!

Lauren x

[unfoldingmoments]

5 hindrances to self-mastery

TEDxVitosha  by Master Shi Heng Yi

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-079YIasck

It has been quite a privilege being able to grow up in two quite different ways of life.

I was born in Germany, and at the same time had the chance to learn more about an ancient art coming from the Shaolin Temple.

When you grow up in an Asian family,

it is quite common that firstly, you don't argue with your father, and secondly, you either become medical doctor, engineer, or lawyer.

Elsewise your parents will be very unhappy.

So having that said, I finished my academic education with two university degrees, an MBA, and quite a collection of different certificates and diplomas - everything that my parents thought would be useful to have.

But throughout this education, I felt something was missing. Because I was learning about many different aspects - how the plant is working, what an atom is made out of, how a political system is functioning, but somehow, the subject was missing to learn something about myself.

So with the age of four, for the first time

I got introduced into the monastic practices, and I was very happy to find out that the main part of these practices were dealing with the exploration and the discovery of yourself.

There was mental training, development of behavior combined with the physical training, all aspects of what nowadays is known as Shaolin Kung-Fu.

Now, despite the wishes of my parents to somehow go out in the market and try to manage the world, I decided to continue this monastic life and start learning more about myself first.

Now, in the preparation for this talk, I was asked to share a few words on what is important in this lifetime, and see,

it's already challenging to put 3 decades into a single talk.

But the picture I would like to show you summarizes very much what I consider as being valuable in this lifetime.

There is something about sharing with others.

There is something about connection.

There is the training and development of yourself.

It is to enjoy your time, even doing nothing.

And one main aspect is to find a way and do the things you like to do.

Now, when I received the invitation to have a talk at today's event,

especially under the slogan "High, Higher, Highest,"

something very particular came up on my mind, and a master from the Shaolin Temple once told me a story that I would like to share with you.

A man was living close to a mountain, and every day he was thinking:

How would it be to climb that mountain and what would I see on the peak?

So finally, the day came, and the man went on the journey.

Arriving at the foot of the mountain, he met the first traveler.

So he asked, "How did you get up the mountain, and what did you see from the top?"

And so the traveler shared his path, and also the view that he had.

But then the man was thinking,

"The way that this traveler described to me sounds very exhausting.

I need to find another way to climb."

So he continued to walk on the foot of the mountain until he met the next traveler.

So once again he asked, "How did you climb up that mountain, and what did you see from the top?"

And so again the traveler shared his story.

Still not being determined on which direction and which way to go, the man asked 30 more people, 30 more travelers.

When he finished talking to all of them, he finally made up his mind.

"Now that so many people already shared with me their paths and especially what they all saw from the top, I don't need to climb there anymore."

It is very unfortunate this man never went on the journey.

Now, to conclude this story, firstly, each individual needs to find the most suitable way to climb that mountain.

But secondly, there is information possible to be shared with words, but it is impossible to share the experience of clarity when you are standing on that peak by yourself.

To invest the right effort in climbing that peak,

it's very much what all the Buddhist practices, the Shaolin training, or any spiritual practice is about.

Clarity means you see more clear. When you see more clear, interrelations become more apparent.

When you see more clear, there is no need to believe anyone or believe anything. Seeing clear means you can distinguish for yourself which is the proper direction to take and which decisions do I have to make in order to make my goals or aspirations start to shape?

Now, at today's talk, you will have the chance to become inspired by quite a lot of different travelers.

But in this particular talk, I can't, and I won't tell you which way to go.

It's just that along your personal journey, you will encounter challenges.

Those challenges will either prevent you, or some of them even stop you, from moving on and climbing that mountain.

In the Shaolin Temple, we refer to them as "the five hindrances."

The 5 hindrances are describing different states of the mind.

In those states of the mind, it becomes very hard to see clearly and therefore engage in the right decisions.

1. The first hindrance is called "sensual desire." Sensual desire arises in the moment when you are paying attention to something that is giving you a positive emotion.

This positive emotion can originate from five gates of your body: Seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, or feeling.

So in your mind, you climb up that mountain.

After one mile of walking, you discover a beautiful restaurant surrounded by beautiful people. You smell delicious food and the great variety of beverages.

When you follow that temptation, you have already lost your track. When this temptation becomes so strong that you don't want to leave that place anymore, then the sensual desire has turned into an obsession.

In both cases, remaining at that place means that you can't get clarity.

2. The second hindrance, "ill-will," describes the state of the mind that arises from negative emotions.

In that state of the mind, you have an aversion, a rejection, or simply a dislike against either an object, a situation, or can be even a person.

To simplify, it means: You are climbing the mountain, and it starts to rain, but you don't like rain.

You discover the roads are bumpy, but you don't like bumpy roads. In order to cross the river, you need to swim, but you don’t like swimming. Whatever it is that you dislike, it won’t make it a pleasant journey unless you learn to let go of this ill-will. It’s more likely even that you won't continue that journey.

3. The third hindrance originally translated as "sloth and torpor."

"Sloth" means it’s the heaviness of the body.

"Torpor" means it’s the dullness of the mind.

It is characterized by sleepiness, non-motivation, lack of energy, and oftentimes can manifest itself in a state of depression.

Now, a simile used in Buddhism describes it as "imprisonment."

You find yourself locked in a cell.

It becomes very hard to make any type of mental or physical effort.

So in order to continue your path, there is only one option left.

You need to find a way to get out from that hole, from that cell.

4. Now, the fourth hindrance is called "restlessness."

It is the state of an unsettled mind.

"Unsettle mind" means your mind cannot settle.

(Laughter) Settle where?

Settle in the present moment.

An unsettled mind either is worrying about the future or traveling into the past and rejecting, judging about an event that happened into your past.

A simile used here is the monkey mind, constantly jumping from one branch to another, unable to stay for too long time at the present moment. The problem is there is no time to see clearly anymore.

5. Now, the last of the five hindrances is called "skeptical doubt," and it's very closely related to a state of mind which is based on indecisiveness.

It is very easy in that state of mind getting lost in thoughts.

Can I do this?

Is this the right path?

What will the others say?

What if this? What if that?

The mind cannot synchronize with your own actions anymore.

And the result is that you are getting disconnected with the goals and aspirations that once you have set to yourself.

When the way is filled with too much doubts, more often you will stop instead of moving on.

That we know the 5 hindrances now, what are we going to do about them?

You need to align and structure your life in such a way to prevent those hindrances from arising.

If you are not successful, you need to use techniques in order to remove them. Each of these hindrances is placing the dark cloud on your mind, or on the way of your climb.

Simply remember one thing: Just let it rain.

This is a 4 step method to help you removing those hindrances.

1. The first step is recognize in what state of the mind you are finding yourself in.

[Recognize, Accept, Investigate, Non-Identity]

2. Afterwards, learn to accept, acknowledge, and allow the situation or a person to be the way how it is, to be the way how they are.

3. Investigate your emotional and mental state, and ask questions:

Why did it come up?

What is going to be the consequence if I remain in that state?

4. And ultimately, non-identification means:

It is the practice.

I am not the body.

I am not the mind.

I am not my emotion.

It's just that I can see all these three aspects about me.

All of our lifetimes, all of our lives are too unique to copy the path from someone else.

To bring meaning to your life, to bring value into your life, you need to learn and master yourself, and don't let the hindrances stop you.

If any of you chooses to climb that path to clarity, I would be very happy to meet you at the peak

[peaches-writes]

sun shower

description: you happen to be spending your training year in adjacent villages with a certain kim seungmin  member: seungmin genre: fluff, witch/wizard au (kiki’s delivery service, a little snow fairy sugar-inspired) word count: 4k note: ‘magical people’ just doesn’t sound awesome enough to be the official gender-neutral term i therefore declare that both the words witch & wizard are gender-neutral choose ur fighter ppl

Seungmin has always had a fascination with the heavens since he was a young boy. His mother specialized in potions but his father was an astronomer, inviting him to stargaze after potion lessons until he had to leave for his training as an independent wizard some 6 months ago. He never vocally said it to his parents but when they received a letter from him in the mail informing them that he has chosen to train in the quaint countrysides of Italy a month into his training, they correctly inferred that he wanted to be specialize in astrology. 

For this reason, he finds it bothersome, for a lack of a better word, whenever you, a neighboring witch, would conjure up clouds of rain until the early hours of the night. In your defense, it always happens unconsciously, most often when you’re frustrated because you couldn’t conjure up enough clouds when the sun is still out or when you untimely create clouds right as a storm passes over the countryside.

“Excuse me!” He called to you from the skies on his fifth night in the neighboring town. This was when you first met. You look up at him curiously, surprised at finding a fellow magical person. “Are you causing this?”

He gestures over the thin veils of clouds looming over the full moon. He could tell you were a witch by the runes you read to your root crops.

“Yes, why?”

“I study astrology, you see.” He shows you a familiar book, the standard guide to astrology—you knew because your own mother was an astrologer. “And I can’t really study if it’s too cloudy.”

“O-Oh, sorry.” You stand up from squatting next to your green sprouts, scratching the back of your neck. “It takes me a long time to make them disappear, you see. I swear I’m also working on them!”

“Well, it’s already late and I still have business to attend to later on so it’d be really helpful if you get your clouds out of the way quickly.” He points out, intimidating you a bit. 

Because of his dry and rather stern tone, you managed to clear out the sky faster than you’ve ever done at the time. Suffice to say, Seungmin was impressed.

“Thanks! I’m Seungmin, by the way.” “Y/N, nice to meet you and sorry again!” 

Now at present, you only have a month left until your training ends yet somehow you can’t seem to master the art of controlling the rain for sun showers, which frustrates Seungmin as much as it frustrates you. 

“Maybe you’re overthinking it. Have you tried relaxing?” In the few months you’ve spent being sort of neighbors, you know that Seungmin never means anything malicious, he simply has a sarcastic tone by default. 

“I am relaxed.” You insist, puffing out air that resembles smoke in the cold weather. It’s nearing the end of November and you can already feel the snow coming, signalling your impending departure. You try again, concentrating and thinking about how Seungmin’s watching you, “Oh hey, look, I did it!” 

To compromise over your clashing work schedules, on the 2nd month of Seungmin’s stay, the two of you came to an agreement that you alternate between your towns, so that Seungmin can monitor you practicing with the weather and make sure that he gets to see the night sky when you’re done. Undeniably, you’ve grown closer from helping each other out (and maybe you’ve even developed a small crush on the side, but you wouldn’t tell him that).

He sits behind you on your rooftop on this particular Sunday, reading a thick book on the movement of constellations, while you levitate over your vegetable garden, eyes trained to the cloudy sky that slowly clears. 

“Is this the last thing you need to accomplish?” He asks after a while, having decided after a while to halt reading and observe the sky. You’re halfway through clearing the sky, some hints of sunlight starting to peek through from the remaining clouds. Though he doesn’t show it, he’s proud (and a bit jealous) that you’re almost done with your training.  

Without sparing him a glance, you shake your head no. “I still need to perfect my own song to conjure up a sun showers.” You correct as a frown settles on your face. 

You control the weather with music. You use a flute for snow and sleet, a harp for the rain, a triangle for thunder and winds, and your own voice to call for the sun and clear skies. The problem with creating a sun shower is that you can’t come up with your own last verse—the one that is supposedly unique to every conjurer, according to your aunt who gave you the sheet music. 

“Maybe you need another instrument.” Seungmin suggests but you both know that if there was another instrument for sun showers, your aunt would tell you as a witch who controls the weather herself. “Or the music sheet’s wrong.” 

“If it’s wrong, then I would’ve conjured up something else entirely the last time I tried it.” You point out. The last time meaning just a few weeks ago when you tried out your latest revision and conjured up enough clouds but too much rain. “I’m just missing a few measures but my brain’s already too fried to come up with any!” 

“Can I see?” 

You impatiently hum in approval, finally turning around to briefly look at him and gesture over to your rucksack. “It’s in my bag, knock yourself out.” 

You have an idea of Seungmin’s musical ability. He tends to hum to himself while he’s busy with work, you’ve heard in the events you’ve stayed in his place longer to help him see the stars better, and he plays the piano well, especially when he was asked to in his town’s festival. You’ve wondered yourself before why he chose studying astrology over taking control of the weather until he mentioned his home life before going off on his own. 

“It does sound hard to complete, especially with what you already have.” He agrees with you after a while. At this point, you’ve managed to clear the skies of heavy rain clouds so you levitate towards him, sitting across from him after penetrating the shield he’s made for himself from the rain that’s passed. “But I think you’re getting there.” 

He hums the main melody under his breath, occasionally stopping to brainstorm ideas on what could possibly be missing on your sheet music. To his right, you lay down tiredly on your back, rucksack serving as a makeshift pillow, and turn your body to face him, listening intently to the little notes and comments he makes under his breath. “I just need a balance with the sun and the rain.” You sigh. “The sun is already enough, the rain’s just a little too much.” 

“Hm, sounds strangely poetic.” He points out with the same dry tone you’ve grown accustomed to, making you chuckle. “You going through something or what?”

“I don’t know if I’d call it that.” You then turn your body up towards the sky. Now that your clouds were gone, you then realize that the sky’s started turning pink and orange in sunset. “It’s just that, there are some things and people I’m unsure of, I guess.”

He wanted to ask you what, or rather, who exactly you were unsure of. You’re not exactly known for being a social butterfly but you’re not anti-social, either, but if bothered you so much, whatever or whoever you’re referring to must be someone incredibly special to you. 

“Hey, can I keep a copy of this?” He opts to ask instead, gaining your attention again. 

You nod. “You can take the music sheets, I have it memorized by heart already, anyway.” 

“If I can come up with something, I’ll let you know.” He carefully tucks your music sheet between the pages of his book. “You don’t have some kind of deadline, do you?” 

“No, it’s okay.” You smile before turning back to the incoming sunset. “Anyway, I’ve had enough of thinking about it for today, let’s just enjoy the sunset before you go back to studying! Ah, what a day.” 

Seungmin is evidently surprised, often you mind each other’s businesses and only talk when one needs help or when one is about to leave, but you missed such a rare expression across his face “Okay.” You only hear him say as he closes his book and lays down next to you, using his own messenger bag as a pillow. 

Later that night, Seungmin decides to study on your rooftop later than usual, and you hear him singing until you fell asleep.

In the following days, Seungmin kept on humming the final measures of your song along with experimental measures to try and fill in the missing gap. He sings it while gathering (or stealing, depends on who you ask) herbs from your garden, cleaning the room he rents above a dusty bookstore, and even while writing a cohesive prediction for someone in his side business. 

It would drive you crazy if only his voice isn’t that great. 

“You know, when your training ends, you should also try picking up at least one skill related to music.” You suggest to him a week later while pacing around in his room. You’re supposed to be outside but complained because of the intense heat you can’t seem to tone down. “I highly recommend singing for sunshine.” 

“But you do it better.” He’s making you a reading on this particular day since business is slow recently. “You sing and play well.”

Internally, the butterflies already present in your stomach multiply greatly. “So? Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t too?” You manage to counter while trying to recover. “I bet wherever you’re going after your training, they’ll have extraordinarily warmer sun.” 

He chuckles nervously. He’s more than halfway through his training already but he doesn’t want to think about that just yet (mostly because he finds it weird thinking about a new place without you in it, but he wouldn’t tell you that). “Really? You think so?” 

You nod. “Yeah, I feel—well, I believe you will.”  Placing a hand outside a nearby open window, the sun still feels scorching hot on your skin. You didn’t like bringing umbrellas or wearing hats while practicing, it distracts you too much. “Aish, it’s still too hot out!”

“If I do pick up music, I might turn out even better than you.” He teases, stealing a glance over to you and softening up by following with, “But who knows, maybe we’ll bump into each other a few years from now, you’ll probably already settled with somewhere and I’m still looking for a place to call home, then you can teach me.”

Seungmin can’t actually imagine you permanently staying in one place, with your adventurous streak and passion for the outdoors, much less finding someone who makes you stay in one place forever but he forces himself to consider for the sake of theory. 

Whoever will catch their eye would truly be exceptional. 

You, on the other hand, show evident confusion in your expression while you retract your hand back from the window. “I wouldn’t count myself on the settling down part but sure, I guess, I can teach you a few years from now.” 

“Why?” Seungmin looks up at you again and even stops humming, showing you genuine curiosity. It suddenly felt strangely serious.

At this, you simply shrug. “I don’t know, I guess I don’t think it’s a priority for me. I want to see the world! Can you picture me staying in one place forever?” 

“No?” He chuckles. “What if you fall in love?” 

“If I do, whoever I fall in love with should probably start practicing flying well then.” 

When the two of you go out to the farmland behind Seungmin’s lodging later on, you conjure up an almost-perfect sun shower with only a handful of extra clouds left that needs to disappear.

“Seungmin, you’re going to catch a cold, come over here!” When you turn around to show Seungmin your work,  you see him flying circles over the empty farmlands instead. 

Drenched in light rain, he grows self-conscious of how you think of his flying skilles—all the while debating on whether he should give the last measure of your song to you now, when he’s definitely sure that he enjoys your company, or during Christmas, when it’s the cruelest holiday to leave. 

Seungmin eventually gives in after 2 weeks, not that you’d notice anyway since you didn’t know that he wanted to keep you around longer. The sky is already getting cloudy, reminding the two of you of snow, making it harder to practice during the day—Seungmin had to give in while you can still manage to clear the sky before practicing.

“This is it, Seungmin.” You breathe out dramatically through the chilly December breeze. It’s early morning, just a little after the break of dawn, because you were so excited practicing the song with Seungmin last night. “If this last measure makes my perfect sun shower, my last week here would be the best! I’d be the happiest, I swear.”

There was also the fact that you planned on leaving right after the first snow. Sometimes you’re just too cruel, Seungmin thinks.

“I’m sure this is it, I decoded it.” He says as coolly and as confidently as he can.

You say nothing more, proceeding to sing and play the harp according to your sheet music. The song is only 2 minutes long, barely providing any room to feel nervous as you slowly approached the final verse which is supposed to be different for every witch / wizard, hence why it was hard to decode.

As you play, Seungmin watches the clouds form over the pale yellow sunrise, a small smile unconsciously forming on his face that then grows into a wide grin when they stop at just the right amount and started drizzling the vast expanse of houses ahead in light rain. “Y/N, you did it! You did it!”

You didn’t even realize that you’ve had your eyes closed the entire time you sang and played, opening them only when you felt Seungmin spinning around next to you to feel the rain just as the droplets of rain started to dampen your own hair. “I—I did it!”

“You did!” Seungmin turns to you, not even hiding his happiness this time as he then instinctively pulls you into a warm hug. “I’m so proud of you!”

You hug him back tighter, his coat cold and damp against yours. “Thank you, Seungmin.” You catch your breath as you rest your chin against his shoulder. “Thank you so much.”

Seungmin only hums, speechless in being so close to you. This was the first time you hugged.

Without his face in your view, you miss the way he momentarily frowns at the thought that you’re now certain and confident to leave—a thought he expertly hides when he pulls away later on and says, “So, will you still practice or do you just leave it at that until you leave?”

You frown at him in annoyance, you really were irked he brought it up, especially since several days have passed since you’ve avoided mentioning it. “Why are you thinking of me leaving already? I have to practice a couple more times before I go, of course!”

“I’m just making sure so in case you stay outside overtime again.” He defends himself, suddenly feeling colder that you’re far away again. “Okay, now try making it stop, it’s getting really cold!”

“Alright, alright!” You roll your eyes, making the clouds disappear. You manage to dry yourselves even with a gush of warmer winds to compensate the two of you getting wet with rain. “Jeez, Seungmin, I thought we were having a moment there!”

Though you said it in a joking manner, of course he didn’t miss the way you showed the slightest hint of being hurt. Seungmin feels his heart drop to his stomach at the thought.

You continue practicing in the days that follow, both early in the mornings and late in the afternoons. Though you keep it cool in front of Seungmin, you notice how quiet he’s suddenly become, how he would hum your song less and literally cover his face with his book whenever you glance over at him for small talk.

“Are you mad?” “No.” “Do you feel awkward too?” “...A bit, yeah.” Would always be your conversation-ender. You know he meant it sincerely because he didn’t use his default dry tone on you but somehow it felt awkward.

What changed?

On your last day, you invited him to dinner.

“I told the landlord you can take this house if you want to.” You mention as the two of you ate strawberry cake. Earlier that day, some of the villagers surprised you with a going-away party since you leave at midnight—the cake was from one of the farmers you helped grow crops faster. “I still have some root crops in the garden, that should last you for a month.”

“It’s fine.” He reassures you for the 2nd time since you started eating. “I want the vegetables, though.”

For a while, it seemed like the awkwardness was gone and you laugh. “If you’re not taking the house, then you might have to have a talk with Mrs. Ross over the vegetables.”

“Then I’ll swipe them later when you go.” And then the awkwardness was back.

“Won’t you see me off later?” You ask, nervously playing with your food as you steal a glance at him.

Across the table, the lone strawberry on Seungmin’s plate suddenly seems interesting even when your gaze pokes on his newly dyed blonde hair. “I’m...I’m helping a villager’s sick child, it might take a while.” He bluffs, a heavy feeling looming over him.

“Oh...” He doesn’t see the frown before you muster up a smile. “That’s alright, I guess.”

“Where do you plan on going?” He finally gathers the courage to look up at you, searching for any sign in your eyes that you’d suddenly stay.

You ponder over the question longer than you usually would, your eyes trailing to the window behind Seungmin as you do so. “It’s snowing.” You mutter absentmindedly.

When Seungmin turns around, your windowsill already has a thin layer of snow.

“It is.” He agrees, eyes suddenly stinging. Am I crying? “It’s the first snow.”

You swore you saw faint hints of tears on Seungmin’s face when you escorted him out later that night but you chose to ignore it, diverting your attention instead to the sky—and for the first time you understood why Seungmin hated night skies wherein the stars aren’t visible.

“A bit dull, I get it now.” You comment as you walk him with him to the main road. When he gives you a questioning gaze, the dry trails of tears shining under the faint street lights, you gesture to the sky. “The starless sky, I mean.”

He follows you, frowning at the lack of stars. The sky seems to radiate off of the two of you. “Yeah, it’s so vague, you could barely read anything.”

Seungmin wakes up the following morning to a sun shower. There’s a thick layer of snow outside his window, even more when he steps out of his lodging later on, yes, but it’s the lone droplet of rain that falls on his cheek as he closes the door behind him on his way out that catches his utmost attention, casting his eyes up to the sky as it begins to drizzle.

At that moment, it fully dawns on him that you never told him exactly where you were going. 

Still, he flies to your house, in hopes of any clue somehow. Only, when he arrived, he only saw the landlady, Mrs. Ross there, tending to your garden.

“Oh, Seungmin!” She greets the evidently distressed wizard. “Do you want to take some of the vegetables?”

“N-No, I just thought that—nevermind.”

“If you’re looking for Y/N, they already left last night.” Mrs. Ross says sympathethically to Seungmin. “They didn’t say where they were going.”

Seungmin walks home afterwards, dejected.

It felt wrong, spending an entire day without you afterwards, especially when the sun was out later in the afternoon yet it felt horrifyingly cold.

The week passes by too slowly for Seungmin, even when he decides on devoting half of his day to resuming correspondence with his parents and some friends—away in their own towns. He rarely leaves the house, wandering only as far as the bookstore downstairs, utilizing the never-ending snow as an excuse to his landlord. Your landlady. Mrs. Ross, is probably the only person from outside his building that he sees whenever she drops by to hand him the produce from your garden.

His textbooks have started to blur in front of him whenever he studies and the weather has started feeling dull and repetitive for him.

And so it felt years have already passed when a knock comes to his door beyond the usual time Mrs. Ross would come by. It’s already afternoon, just as Seungmin is about to take a nap.

“Who is it?” He asks as loudly as he can in his drowsy state, almost stumbling over an umbrella stand in the process, but the knock continues, annoyingly chirpy at that.

When he opens the door, you give him no time to prepare himself as you tackle him in a hug. “Kim Seungmin!” You exclaim, throwing your arms to his shoulder.

There’s a slight delay on his part, partly because the sun is shining too warmly and too bright outside but mostly because he instantly recognizes your warmth as you squeeze him tighter. “Wha—? How—?” He stutters, eyes wide and mouth hanging open in shock. Nevertheless, he wraps his arms around your waist, quickly gathering his thoughts together to coherently ask, “Where have you been?!”

“Oh, here and there. I went home to my parents then wandered off aimlessly to some beaches in the South since it’s really cold up here.” You explain as you try and pull away from him but Seungmin uncharacteristically keeps you in place, making you laugh. “Hey, you missed me.”

At this, he buries his face on your shoulder, mumbling a muffled, “Of course I did.” that almost completely melted your heart if it weren’t for him following it with, “I thought I’d never see you again.”

“Well, I needed time to think.” When you pull away, he lets you this time, allowing you to step inside his place. It looked the same since you were last here, you notice.

“Of what?”

“Of how I feel for you.” You make sure to say it in the sincerest way you know, feeling light-headed afterwards.

Oh, Seungmin thinks, cheeks flushed, so it’s me?

Seungmin stands there gaping, completely dazed at your short confession until your face is completely red from the heat that you immediately speak again. “Seungmin, say something.”

“Why?”

“Because I didn’t know if you liked me or not.”

“Wasn’t it obvious?”

You knit your eyebrows in confusion. “No? If you were, I would’ve actually stayed longer.”

“R-Really?” Now, Seungmin just feels dumb for not being more clear with his feelings.

You nod with a hum, continuing, “I kept dropping hints as best as I can but you just keep mentioning me leaving whenever you can.”

In front of you, you can clearly see Seungmin’s frustration with himself. “I’m sorry, I should’ve still been considerate of how you felt about me mentioning your leave then and I definitely should’ve asked you to stay even when your training did end.” He frowns, more to himself than to you. “B-because I...I really like you too but I also thought that you’d want to go and explore the moment you’re allowed to leave—I didn’t want to keep you waiting if you like me too.”

You shake your head no, a small smile now forming on your lips. “It’s not like the world outside’s going to change.” You take a brave step closer to Seungmin now, cupping his cheeks in your warm hands. “So, what’s—how many months do you have left? Four?—what’s 4 months more of waiting?” 

[fandompitfalls]

Fandom, Misogyny, and the Struggle for "Clarice"

Originally posted 2/24/21

There’s a quote that, summarized, says, in order for a woman to be seen as an equal to men, she has to work twice as hard. And never more what that brought to light outside real life than Valentine’s Day weekend when CBS aired the premiere of Clarice.

In 1991, Silence of the Lambs, a runaway hit thriller staring Jodie Foster and Anthony Hopkins came onto public consumption and introduced the world to the phrase “quid pro quo” and the name Hannibal Lecter became a well-known name.

In 2013, a series by the name of Hannibal staring Mads Mikkelsen and Hugh Dancy premiered on television and was immediately embraced by the fandom community.  Dating long before Silence of the Lambs, the show features a BSU consultant by the name of Will Graham who is called into service because of his unique ability to profile serial killers.  He develops a professional and later, a personal relationship with Dr. Hannibal Lecter.

In the beginning the question of Will’s mental state was brought up, the reason Lecter was introduced into the series, he was hired on assess Will Graham after cases to make sure his fragile mental state was not deteriorating.  It allowed Hannibal to get close to Will and manipulate him in an attempt to turn Will into a killer like himself.  The show ended after three seasons and during those seasons, the show’s creator, Brian Fuller, made cinematography magic with his sets and scenes, a lot of them gruesome yet exquisite.

Hannibal became fandom’s gory darling, the relationship between Will and Hannibal being the main fodder. This was furthered by the support of Bryan Fuller’s comment in Collider stating that he saw Hannibal as being in love with Will Graham. https://collider.com/bryan-fuller-hannibal-silence-of-the-lambs-interview/

Just this past week, a new twist on the Silence of the Lambs timeline premiered with Clarice. Clarice takes place a year after Silence of the Lambs and the Buffalo Bill murders. She is pulled from the BAU and sent to a task force run by Ruth Martin, the mother of Buffalo Bill’s only surviving member, Catherine.  Created by Alex Kurtzman and Jenny Lumet, Clarice is not affiliated with Hannibal, the Series, in any way, rather, it is a telling of Clarice Starling’s story after the events of Silence of the Lambs.

Here’s where it differs. And remember, this is only the first episode.  By the time I post this, there will be two episodes out.

In the opening scene, Clarice Starling is sitting in a therapist’s office.  The therapist, a man with no name as of yet, is trying to get her to tell him about her feelings regarding the one-year anniversary of the Buffalo Bill murders.  He even has a copy of a magazine that features her on the cover with the title “Bride of Frankenstein.”  The more he pushes the more she holds back, telling him the rots answers that most FBI therapists want to here.  Finally, she mentions the magazine was bought by him as a trigger to see if she would break and he tells her that he thinks she’s not stable enough to go back in the field because she refuses to use to the “survivor” in relation to her encounter with Buffalo Bill.  She is not a survivor, she was never kidnapped, she was an FBI agent doing a job.  He also cites her relationship with Hannibal Lecter, insinuating that it was more personal in nature than he thought necessary.

Before he can put her at a desk, she is called back into the field by Ruth Martin and put under the team led by Paul Krendler, a man who Clarice “upped” in the movie when she was a trainee.  He doesn’t want her there, insists on a profile after seeing the first two bodies and when she can’t give an accurate one because she doesn’t have all the evidence, he tells her she had to tell the press it’s a serial killer.

It’s already shown that Clarice has a bit of trauma with press conferences and this is something that keeps coming back.  The press want Clarice and Paul Krendler just wants her to be the face of his team and tells her that she will say what he tells her to say.  Clarice is not taken seriously by Krindler, by anyone else in the office, (there’s a scene where men from the other unit that share an office, coat her desk drawer with lotion and leave that lotion and a basket in the drawer and then laugh about it).  Clarice is blocked at every turn by men, even her therapist calls Krindler and tells him to bench her because he’s worried about her mental state.

The first time we meet Will Graham, his mental state is mentioned as tenuous, yet the FBI have no problem throwing him right out into the field.  Clarice was a trainee who managed to catch a serial killer, and somehow she’s considered too “fragile” to be put on any cases other than desk jobs.  In fact, throughout the entire first episode, the only person on her new team to take an interest and believe what she says is Thomas Esquivel, an ex-special forces soldier turned agent who believes in what she says.

From the first moment of this show the misogyny was right out on view, there is no hiding that all of the men in this show do not like Clarice because she’s young, she’s a woman and they are intimidated by her talent.  Her only support comes from Agent Esquivel and her friend and former trainee Ardelia Mapp.

I mention the misogyny because it’s not all on the show. It’s from the fans as well. The first time I was reminded the show was on was when I noticed Hannibal was trending on Twitter. The day and time frame Clarice aired its premiere, Twitter was lamenting that they wanted a season four of Hannibal.  While researching for this blog, I used IMDB to get names and plot points.  And came across this comment about the premiere:

“Can we bring back Hannibal, please?

12 February 2021 | by [redacted]

And by that I am of course referring to the excellent series featuring Mads Mikkelsen's amazing portrayal of Dr. Hannibal Lecter. That series had great style, fantastic atmosphere, and stellar directing, editing, and acting. They planned to tell the ultimate Hannibal Lecter story but only were able to make three seasons out of a seven season plan. So, here we have a Clarice Starling series that had been in the works for years but didn't get the train running till now. So the premiere - Meh. Rebecca Breeds makes a very good Clarice but nothing else is up to her level. The cinematography isn't bad but the atmosphere is lacking, the characters are none too memorable, and the storyline isn't attention grabbing enough. I give it about a season at least.”

I don’t know the time when this posted, but I’m not surprised by the comment at all.  Comment and review bombing seems to be the way that fans express their “disappointment” about their old shows not getting anything…or rather, their favorite male characters not getting more screen time.

On the same page, the below link was posted.  This was one day after the first episode of Clarice premiered:

Clarice: Season Two? Has the CBS TV Series Been Cancelled or Renewed Yet? 13 February 2021 | TVSeriesFinale

A freshman series about a female criminal profiler who is pushed down, ignored, harassed because of her sex.  It’s almost a case of life imitating art.

I was going to leave this post as it was and post it today but last week the second episode aired which showed Clarice pushing past childhood trauma to face down a cult leader and a corrupt government system thereby earning Krendler’s respect and her position on the team.  And while Thomas Esquivel told her that a team is only good if each of its members understand that they can trust and support one another, thereby hopefully foreshadowing that this team will eventually accept Clarice as one of their own and in turn she will do the same, it took her risking her life by going back inside the compound, disregarding orders and singlehandedly getting the information needed to put both the cult leader and head of the County Sheriff down for the count for Krendler to finally see her worth and decide to keep her on the team.

I liked Clarice.  It was hard to watch at times, not only because of the trauma she is dealing with as well as the survivor, Catherine, calling her and harassing her, but because of the anger I felt watching Clarice get stepped on time and time again by the men in this show, only to get up and do her job.  Her final speech she makes at the end of episode one about her grandmother is inspiring and gives the viewer a bit of a “in your face” to the men behind her, especially Krendler…even though we all know he’s going to make her life a living hell when they get back to the office because she didn’t follow his rules.  That said, this show is very much a procedural, much like CSI or Criminal Minds. The series follows the format of the movie.  This is not Hannibal.  It’s not trying to be Hannibal, It is trying to be Clarice.  And, as the quote goes, it’s going to have to work twice as hard to even get one half of the respect it deserves.

[partnersatfazbear]

Updates | Vday Sketches

I thought I’d post an update, so you guys know why I haven’t been posting. It’s nothing really serious, but I’ve been taking some time to spend with my wife before she starts a very long solid week of work with no time off, taking care of the apartment for her, ect.

I’ve had back pain, sciatica pain again as well as nightmares, so my sleep hasn’t been good..

I haven’t had any inspiration for poor William and Henry lately, but it is something I want to get back to. My interests change often, but I don’t want to abandon this ship anytime soon. I would be updating the fic, but I can’t get the middle sorted out. I haven’t sat down to finish Resurrection Seeker, although I’d say the last few chapters are about 50% done. As for the comic, I’ll upload that tomorrow. Out of pure laziness / back pain I haven’t finished coloring the most recent pages, but I’ve been looking forward to specific scenes and I really want to put my all as each page goes, hopefully improving the quality.

You have all been amazing, leaving lots of kudos. I appreciate that. I feel guilty for the lack of updates...

I admit what energy I have had has gone to my game, which still doesn’t have a name. I think I’ve almost worked out a plot I am happy with. I’m going to watch some horror movies today and get some inspiration. I’ve also been watching a lot of RPG Maker horror games (if you haven’t watched FlareBlitz, I highly recommend him... wife made fun of me because she says he sounds like PJ. If FB could read a little smoother, maybe. Nonetheless, FB is great for some relaxing RM content. Sadly, he’s doing a lot of VNs lately and it’s really not my thing.)

Anyway, to actual speak of my game, I’m really trying to figure out my story while mapping, which is probably a mistake, but I’d rather have a realistic house for a map that realistically conforms to the story. Having said that I realize that games like Pocket Mirror and Crooked Man stand out as my favorites and I’d like to include some fantasy elements at some point, but how to make it work with my grounded supernatural settings my work is set in is difficult.

Other random stuff I added to my to-do list is to make a Thousand Arms FNF Mod, but uh, it’s about 20 sprites not counting the death ones [just for the BF] (which I probably will only mildly modify). Then those 15 or so sprites must be copied / lowered a few times each to match the sprite sheet. This project is something very far off my radar, but I wanted to mention it.

So, right now my plans are to finish a chapter of something even if it’s typing up the first chapter of my MichaelxCharlie story, and post it. Second, work out my game’s plot a bit more. I have to establish this story with my 12 book long novels, which isn’t as hard as it sounds since this is near what I call “the end of the timeline” and I am planning with a sequel in mind. So, I want this game to have a lot of vague lore that gets answered in Part 2.

I just hope you can all support me in my game endeavors. I want to finish it by Easter. It’s isn’t my first RM title, but it’s something I would easily love to make a living out of someday.

Oh, and for some FNAF related stuff, we finally tracked down Glamrock Chica’s plush the other day when spending time with a friend. We still haven’t found Frostbear, unfortunetly. I’m going to have to pay scalpers for Chocolate Bonnie and Frostbear, sadly. The next book will come out in a month or so, IIRC? Gumdrop Angel? I don’t know if I’ll have anything to add for that. I also finished the Twisted Ones GN, so I’m out of material to read. Except to find that Google Drive post about the Shadow animatronics and read about them... because I intended to start a YT channel, but I’m too shy. I can’t do it without anyone to bounce my ideas off of and my wife is busy.

I will be taking a haitus between 2/20 and 2-28. My wife has vacation and we also moved our V-Day celebration to then. So, don’t expect too many updates that week, especially early on as we’ll be out of town visiting families.

I think I’ve rambled too much. If you made it this far, thank you..

Edit: Someone on twitter wanted Willry V-Day art. I might try my hand at it so I did some sketches... Springtrap literally giving his heart, Charlotte as flower girl (Henry has a plaid tux and William has bunny accessories), and then a scene from Resurrection Seeker.

[wonderlandmind4]

Alright. Now that I have time right now to write this, I’m going to acknowledge what happened today:

First, my day was busy as was my week and the next because I am helping nannying my special needs nephew and I haven’t been on here as I usually am as he is my priority right now. When I had time to do so, all I saw was a post about something that had happened with yet another fandom writer.

Second, I had to dig and serach and find out the events of today in this MCU/fanfic fandom, and when I did... I was extremely disappointed and heartbroken. and let me be clear, I was NOT feeling that towards this writer. But for the people, the fans, the admirers of color, of different race and backgrounds.

I have been a big fan of this writer for months, maybe even a year? Maybe more? I always read and responded to her fics and stories and thought she was a great writer. So, my disappointment fell big and fell hard and my heart aches for the fans who are angry, mad, hurt and disappointed.

Kentuckybarnes/Hannah had used a word that, to my understanding, she could have easily avoided.

She could have easily chosen not to use the word at all, could have chosen not to have Sam Wilson in her fic say it, and could have chosen not to use it as a content excuse/shock factor to other characters. I saw a screen shot of the scene, and it must have been something I haven’t read yet, or did read and didn’t know the word at all. If I did, I do not remember it, and usually I look up words I don’t understand. So, I looked this word up again to find it’s meaning and the definition I got was something else. THIS IS NOT TO SAY JUST BECAUSE THE DEFINITION SAYS ITS SOMETHING ELSE DOES NOT MEAN IT IS NOT OFFENSIVE OR HURTFUL TO THE FANS WHO ARE HURT AND OFFENDED BY THAT WORD AND THE USE AND THE CONTEXT IT WAS USED IN.

Listen, I’m going to acknowledge my privilege of being white and Puerto Rican with light skin and completely ignorant of this word, and how offensive and hurtful it was to fans. I haven’t heard of this word before and have never seen it used anywhere else, despite its definition. I had no idea of it, and now I do.

I do. And I’m acknowledging that yes, I think she did know that word could and would be offensive, and she used it anyway. If you have doubt of a word, of a sentence or phrase, then don’t use it. It’s easy to look up other unpopular “big” words to use in its place. A “shock factor” shouldn’t be because of a word that sounds so similar to a racial slur, said by a black man to stun and one up everyone then claiming he went to college. INSTEAD, she could have used something else and would have achieved the same “shock factor” by using another big word.

Kentuckybarnes/Hannah was called out publicly, after I’m assuming/saw she was confronted about it privately and still didn’t fix it or acknowledge it. As I said before, I wasn’t on for most of the day and I have no idea if she even tried to respond, or just straight up deleted her blog. I can understand doing that just to avoid hate. What I don’t understand is not even acknowledging what happened, not attempting to apologize and fix or rewrite anything. I think deleting the blog was a copout. Getting called out doesn’t mean you should just delete and run.

I think Hannah should have apologized, made a post and if she wanted to delete then do it after that. But even then I think it was lazy, hurtful, disappointing and wrong. ESPECIALLY during the Black Lives Matter and the protests going on, and what is happening and has been happening to black people.

Fans look up to their favorite writers on here. Fans admire writers, and inspire fans to write and create their own art for the fandom. Having this writer with such a big following and “voice” in this fandom doing what she did and how she responded broke hearts and deeply hurt fans of her writing, hurt her admirers who were and are offended. If these fans found it offensive and racist, you have no right to tell them it isn’t. No right to tell them how to feel about it.

I am sorry for every and any black fan who is hurting right now because of a lazy response and lack of action Hannah didn’t take.

Now, as for myself. I was recently called out by an anon who told me my reader inserts are not very relatable to POC fans, due to some physical descriptions. I have acknowledged the reason for that was because my reader inserts were written as OFC’s and still are on my AO3. The reason I changed the name to a reader was because of my own fear/insecurities that my fics/OFC’s wouldn’t be read or brushed aside because a lot of fans tend to hate OFC’s. However, I should have been more careful to truly change what I needed in order to make it a true neutral female reader; ie hair and blushing. I wasn’t aware of those things when I switched the OFC names to inserts. I am currently working on fixing those descriptions. And if I still happen to miss anything, please let me know.

Being called out, having things called to a writers attention shouldn’t be a reason to run and delete. You acknowledge, you thank them for being called out because maybe you weren’t aware, maybe you were and forgot to change things, or maybe you made a mistake and bad decision. No matter which way, you still need and can fix it. You owe any fan you offend or hurt to rewrite and/or revise whatever you were called out on and for.

I would also like to note that the post I found DID NOT call for hate. They did not condone sending hate to Hannah, but was calling her out for the initial issue. Another post was calling out the lack of response and that she straight up deleted. I know Hannah/Kentuckybarnes has good friends on this hell site. I know who those friends are...please do not send them any hate either. If you feel like they too should be called out, then do so civilized and please don’t tell someone to physically harm themselves because they’re a friend of someone else.

I hope anyone who was offended and hurt will take the time you need for yourself, step away if need be. Do not let anyone let you feel invalid for feeling the way you do. I am sorry this has happened.

[booksbookandmorebooks]

Things i loved about the little women 2019 movie.

Hello lovelies, im back with another review today of the amazing Little women 2019 adaptation. Quite honestly I have a bit of a history with this story as I have tried reading the book many times (as I'm sure a lot of you who follow me on other social medias will know) and each time I have sadly DNF’d it. I cant help but feel it severely lacking something, upon reflection I think it was a number things, one of which was I felt no relation to any of the characters and couldn't find any shared similarities, I did not enjoy the pacing and the slice of life style was a bit of a struggle to keep me engaged. So when attending the movie for the first time, I didn't Have very high hopes and was still unsure about whether it would deliver but wow, I can honestly sit back and say it was just beautiful. The cinematography, the characters, the stories, just everything. I fell in love. So much so I have now seen it 3 times, and each time has been just as much of an emotional roller coaster as the first! If you have not watched the movie yet I implore you, I beg you to do so as soon as possible!

So today im bringing you a list of things I really liked. If you enjoy this post please hang around for the second part of this review ‘’what I didn’t like about little women’’ which will be uploaded very shortly.  Without further ado, here we go!

The warm and cosy aesthetic.

This movie provides such a wonderfully cosy feeling when watching it, almost like you're watching your best friends living their day to day lives with how invested and entranced you are by the smallest of interactions and conversations yet, I had no prior introductions with the characters (in a positive way) no bond with them but some how due to this intense feeling I found I care about each of the girls almost instantly. I cannot tell you how that was achieved, whether it’s the beautifully warm aesthetic of that time period or whether its down to good script writing I cannot say for sure but what I did feel was just mass amounts of affection throughout providing me with some very strong opinions and views early on.

The movie has as I stated, a warm feeling but yet is also very hard hitting at times, very raw and emotional. Of which the director leaves all of these feelings at the surface so the audience feel it just as hard. This enables the audience to really sympathise and empathise with the emotions of the characters in various scenes, thus creating a strong bond of shared pain. Whether that be through the death of a loved one, unrequited romance, career frustrations, family arguments, money struggles and many more.

The themes explored:

I really enjoyed the different themes this movie explores and how it manages to achieve this in such a subtle way to. There is never anything too in your face or extreme in this movie, which is why its paced so perfectly. we see themes of war (the girls father is away for a good portion of the movie and we have a wonderful scene where the girls are huddled round their mother while she reads his letter from the trenches out loud and we see a very raw moment they all share) we see themes of classes in the community (the extremely wealthy shown through Laurie and his father) the working families through the marches and extreme poverty through the young single mother who the marches provide constant support for, and the most common I feel, is the theme of death. I will not go into too much detail but, just be warned this is a very very constant theme, due to the time period this book/movie was set in it is only to be expected when you think about it.

The cast:

Meryl Streep. That’s it, that’s the point. No more is needed. Meryl Streep.

The Girls:

Now we come to my absolute favourite part of this movie. every single one of the girls had their shining moment, a real moment where they had to look into themselves and find their inner strength and make some very hard but real decisions in their lives and the way they were all delivered was spectacular, the amount of emotion we see from the girls was so empowering in such a way that had you experiencing a real ‘’hell yeah!’’ moment for these characters.

Amy: Her speeches to Laurie, my favourite being the one about society's expectations of women and how they are not treated as equals and are only seen as prizes given to reward men. Her issues with love and marriage and her desire to marry well for her future, that she wants to independent, she wants to great at her art and will not settle for anything less, all of which was such a moment seeing her react to such a throw away comment from a man in such an strong manner was just a powerful thing especially given the time period when women weren't seen as anything of real value and potential. They were mothers and daughters, they were kitchen staff they had their place and it was not a place equal to a man, never understood higher. The idea was strictly inconceivable.

’’I want to be great or nothing.’’

Meg: The scene where she really discovers the meaning of unconditional love in regards her husband after we have seen them in a very hard position and seen fracture begin to form in their relationship due to money worries and the stresses of a poorer life style than she had previously known, a life style we see is a lot less giving than we see her friends are blessed with. This ultimately leads meg to experience a lack in judgement, jealousy and resentment, but then we are able to see her redemption, We see her accept the selfishness of her actions, right the wrong she has caused through her thoughtlessness and welcome her husband into open arms with love and support regardless of their struggles. A really beautiful moment for the both of them.

Beth: The scene on the beach with Beth and Jo was definitely a stand out one for me, when Beth is pushing Jo to further her career as she knows how strongly Jo feels about writing . she is able to see through her sisters stubbornness, forget her own personal fear and troubles and do this one last thing for her sister, help inspire her to achieve her dreams. Which is one of many scenes that bought a tear to my eye, and just shows the immense strength Beth has after being seen as the weak and quiet one for so long, if anything this scene is a testament to that, and I see it as proof she is the strongest out of them all. She has her head screwed on the tightest and when faced with an impossible situation she chooses to help the people who mean most to her through the hardest of times instead of showing an ounce of fear or self pity.

Jo: Now lets be honest here. Jo has so many empowering scenes there are too many to list so I am sticking once again with my personal favourite...

When Jo sells her hair for help her family and mother

we see her strong and fearless in the face of others and throughout the movie. Characteristics she is renowned for, she knows what she must do for her family and she does it, she does it without a second thought and expects no praise. She takes seemingly, on the chin. but yet when doors are closed we see her become so much more human and fragile about this situation and pine for her femininity . Something she has shown no care or thought for prior yet through this scene it becomes apparent that Jo, behind this strong facade is still a woman, and all women want to feel beautiful, which I know is something we can all relate to. Jo has always been the character people want to be, shes strong, determined, career driven shes the ideal independent career woman but yet through this specific scene she becomes that little bit more human and that little bit more reachable.

And there we have it. Due to the length of this post I will be separating my review into two parts as I stated in my intro. I hoped you enjoyed this first part and have a fantastic few days, ill see you soon.

[fauzhee10069]

Made too soon? My ‘woke’ OC in a not so woke times

When I was browsing my old drawings, I found one particular work, a work I made for an OC contest back in early 2016:

dA link: Pre-battle Briefing

She belongs to Tolkien’s world, in The Silmarillion. You know? As his fictional universe was created in 1937, surely the standard of female’s portrayal was quite different than today’s standard. You can read further about that here but in short:

"Tolkien's heroines have been both praised and severely criticized", and that his fictional women indeed have an ambiguous image, of "both passivity and empowerment". - Weronika Łaszkiewicz

I was into ‘prominent female character’ at the time, yeah… I prefer to call it ‘prominent’ rather than ‘strong’ because the later often associates with being physically strong/dominant/masculine. I mean, I want my female character to have importance in her role to the plot, but she doesn’t have to be necessarily strong in hand-to-hand combat, genius or superior to the others… problems that are in Dysney’s Rey and many live action princesses (particularly Mulan) at the moment.

What was her story?

My name is Megileth (or Macilё in quenya), I am a Noldorin elf who was born in Valinor near the end of the Years of the Trees. As a Noldo, I’m not really skilled at activities such as gardening and weaving, the results of my work is always messy, let alone to do the work of men like carvers and blacksmiths.

The contest was creating an OC based on yourself (a self-insert), of course I was being honest that I suck at sewing, weaving, and any handicraft works, something that is highlighted in the Tolkien’s world through female characters like Vairë, Míriel and Arwen. However, my OC Megileth also sucks at men’s works (just like me irl).

I feel that accidentally, Megileth is like Dysney’s (animated) Mulan in 1998 that she hardly fits in with the expectations of Chinese female as ‘the perfect bride’ of the time, but when she finally joined the army (aka ‘the world of men’), she was also struggling to be ‘a man’ and to blend into their world. You can watch more about the analysis of Dysney’s Mulan (both 1998 and 2020) here:

Mulan: A Case of Failed Empowerment

During my childhood, I’m interested in studying political science and strategy of war. My father believed in my potential so he made me study and also taught me swordmanship alongside my brothers. When I reached majority, my father and I joined together in Fingolfin’s entourage to middle-earth. Later, I served as military strategist and an advisor in Hithlum from Fingolfin’s through Fingon’s reign.

This is my build up to give her that ‘prominent role’ in story, as The Silmarillion has many battle in it, I wanted her to be involved with those. During the battles, I didn't make her a strong fighter, but rather a character behind the scenes who works as a military advisor. Surely she can fight too but I gave her that ability more as a requirement because she had to be on the battlefield, I thought it would be convenient if she could fight and strong enough to protect herself.

But at this point, it is also my concern that she could be a borderline Mary Sue as her prominence may competes with Galadriel, Eowyn and Haleth. As a side note, Megileth was not meant to work as a sole strategist, she worked alongside several other advisors in strategizing (mostly men with some women too).

I am also one of the advisors who participated during the Nirnaeth Arnœdiad. I'm proposing a marching formation to Anfauglith. Although I know how to fight, but since my martial skill is mediocre at best, I prefer to stay behind the army and observing the situation.

As I wanted her to be ‘prominent’, I gave her role in “Nirnaeth Arnœdiad”. Even though I wanted her to be a character who gets prominent role, I also refrained from making her a Mary Sue, that’s why I gave her limitation that she was just pretty average in hand-to-hand combat.

At the end of the battle which I barely survived, I wandered as nomadic until I reached Eregion and stayed there. Later, after Eregion was destroyed by Sauron, I along with the other survivors fled and settled in Rivendell. I spent my life there to teach the younger generations to prepare themselves if someday war will happen again.

After her role in climactic event ended, I always like the idea of peaceful retirement, that’s why I made her survive and settle down as a tutor.

The Background of Megileth’s story

In the description in my submission, I’ve written as follow:

The reason I chose this role if I live in Tolkien’s world is because I want to defy the stereotypical views on majority of women during middle-age that they are often portrayed and positioned as healers, wives, beautiful maiden, being powerful with magical powers or stayed behind (that's why women like Haleth and Eowyn are awesome).

Perhaps, I was having mentality of “i'm not like other girls” at the time but I am always like this since my childhood… I like to defy what is defined as “mostly/stereotypical/standard/commonly”... whatever. If all my classmates chose blue, I would choose red.

Perhaps, my upbringing from my father also had an effect on that: he wanted me to be an independent woman, not always dependent on men (it was also due to him being made to work so far from our home that we have to be separated for months). I can't always depend on my father so I have to be able to live without always relying on men.

In addition, the role as military advisor is kinda unique. The real me also very fond of real-time strategy and simulation games. The figure who inspired me in this role and background is Qin Liangyu, female general of Ming dynasty.

I am a history lover, I like to study history from different cultures. I'm not always fixated on prominent female historical figures, but whenever I stumble across them, I'm always interested to learn more about them.

Although my OC might deviates from most of the female characters in Tolkien’s world, I am against Mary Sue and as much as possible I tried not to make my OC to be that. Before I gave Megileth an important role as military advisor, I asked myself: “is that even possible?” Then I found some excerpts from The Histories of Middle Earth vol. 10 “Laws and Customs Among the Eldar” that may support the possibility of Megileth’s role:

In all such things, not concerned with the bringing forth of children, the neri and nissi (that is, the men and women) of the Eldar are equal—

There are indeed some differences between the natural inclinations of neri and nissi, and other differences that have been established by custom (varying in place and in time, and in the several races of the Eldar). For instance, the arts of healing, and all that touches on the care of the body, are among the Eldar most practised by the nissi; whereas it was the elven-men who bore arms at need.

Indeed in dire straits or desperate defence, the nissi fought valiantly, and there was less difference in strength or speed between elven-men and elven-women that had not borne child than is seen among mortals. On the other hand many elven-men were great healers and skilled in the lore of living bodies,

but all these things, and other matters of labor and play, or of deeper knowledge concerning being and the life of the World, may at different times be pursued by any among the Noldor, be they neri or nissi.

- (Morgoth's Ring, "The Second Phase", Laws and Customs Among the Eldar, pages 209-214)

Based on my interpretation, this indicates that although certain custom may develop traditional roles for elvish men or women, it does not mean that these roles must be strictly performed. For example, when generally the arts of war are most practiced by men and the arts of healing are most practiced by women, there are also men who choose to become healers instead of warriors and women who are more interested in learning things that considered masculine.

I was happy that I found those excerpts, they gave me ‘a green light’ for the role of Megileth. However, despite the existence of the excerpts, criticism of sexism in Tolkien’s works remain because the lack of actual story/narrative that reflects that.

Then, what was the outcome of the contest?

I did not win.

That’s it. The reason why I did not win and why the winners won remains a mystery to this day.

I didn't expect to get the first place, but I did hope I could at least be runner-up or third, or even to be part of honorable mentions if there is any. If I'm being honest, of course I was disappointed… for not winning any place, but the bigger thing was that I don't know why?

I think I was too ambitious or overconfident at the time, I thought that my concept of Megileth’s story was quite unique and deserves the attention from the judges, I thought that my drawing was quite good (not a top-tier but still acceptable at least). In the end, I did not win anything.

What was the reason they won? What was the reason I did not win? Actually, what were the qualifications to win? My lack of knowledge about this made it even more difficult for me to accept my loss. Had I known the reasons, I will be more relieved to accept my loss: “so, that’s why she won… hmm, congratulation!”

Then to ease my disappointment at that time, I wrote a post about BEST WAYS TO ANNOUNCE CONTEST WINNERS. Although that post looks like a genuinely helpful post, I actually wrote it as "f*ck u!" to the judges, “you hurt my feeling for disregarding my work without reason!” Yeah, I was a whining womanchild and acting immature like a special snowflake.

Was this related to ‘wokeness’?

Of course up to this day, finding the real reason for that loss is absolutely impossible, but in this year 2020, I try to reflect on this matter.

Was my OC too far-fetched? Was Megileth a Mary Sue? Was Megileth incompatible within Tolkien’s world?

With the lack of actual reason and qualification, I have tried to guess it through the winner.

I am Natalie, Queen of Erebor and Wife of Thorin Oakenshield. I am standing with Thorin on our bedroom balcony, in my nightgown with the view from Erebor behind us. This is after the Battle of the five armies and I have just told Thorin that I am pregnant.

The drawing is beautiful so I don’t have any complain there. The winner created her OC as the Queen of Erebor and Thorin’s wife. The illustration is quite romantic, she was also inspired by Agmir's Seasick fanfiction, a self-insert fanfiction with Thorin/Reader.

The concept is pretty average but quite romantic. I've been reading various fanfics for more than a decade, surely self-insert, OC and reader-insert have become common things in various fandoms. Many readers like to project themselves to be paired with fictional characters with charming appearance.

Apart from that, the role of a queen and someone’s wife is also quite common in the Tolkien’s world. Natalie has a role that most of the female characters there have had, as a queen and a loving wife. She stayed inside the palace, welcoming Thorin in their bedroom, giving him happy news of her pregnancy.

Is it this average role that trumps the (so-called) unique role of my OC?

Natalie wears nightgown (feminity) whereas Megileth wears armor (masculinity).

Natalie fits so well in the world of Tolkien whereas Megileth might be trying too hard to be special in that world.

I’m not criticizing the role of Natalie, being a wife and stay-at-home mom does not make you an inferior woman (the funny thing is, I am dreaming of that life right now). But do you think that Megileth is a Mary Sue… as a female character who wants to get a role in the major event of Nirnaeth Arnœdiad?

Was that what the judges thought at the time?

Another interesting thing behind Megileth's story is that initially, I intended to make a female elf OC as a healer.

…the arts of healing, and all that touches on the care of the body, are among the Eldar most practised by the nissi (women)…

- (Morgoth's Ring, "The Second Phase", Laws and Customs Among the Eldar, pages 209-214)

Had Megileth been a healer (perhaps her name might not be “Megileth”) as I had considered back then, would she fit better in the world of Tolkien? Would I have a chance to win?

It was early 2016, although the term "woke" has already been around back then, it was not yet a trend as it is today. I also wonder, is it possible that the judges at that time become woke today if this contest was held this year?

Or perhaps they themselves actually despise the 'woke culture'.

Afterall, it was just a small contest, something that I no longer need to ponder about it.

Most obvious woke culture in these days can be seen in various Hollywood reboots and Dysney’s live actions (particularly, the princesses).

Looking at those princesses and their portrayal in live actions, looking at Mulan in her 2020 live actions version… perhaps a character like Megileth is finally able to get her time to shine.

But expect the criticisms that might attack her as well.

Megileth and Tauriel

Reflecting on this made me think of Tauriel, she is an OC created by Peter Jackson in The Hobbits film trilogy. Tauriel was a wood-elf (silvan) of Mirkwood and captain of the Elven guard of Thranduil’s Woodland Realm. Throughout the film, a subplot develops involving romance between her and Kíli.

The introduction of Tauriel brought quite a cacophony to the fans, various criticisms had attacked her conception. Just like my OC, she got ‘special’ position that isn’t common for the female elves in Tolkien’s world, as a warrior and head of the Woodland Realm guard.

Tauriel’s portrayal in PJ’s The Hobbits struck her like a double edged sword. The canon extremists criticized Tauriel's status as a female warrior and leader of Thranduil’s elven guard, “Tolkien did not write his female elves like that!” On the other hand, feminists also criticized her for being the love interest, “her love story with Kíli was unnecessary!”

There is a legit criticism regarding Tauriel’s character but there is also fan who defended her in the movies, that her existence has brought improvement for The Hobbits.

Tauriel was probably one of the woke characters who came really earlier.

We may not be able to create a perfect character. Among appreciations for your character, there will definitely be criticisms that accompany it. I think, it is enough for us to be happy that the characters we make successfully bring the attention.

As if someone would care about my OC Megileth XD

Self-Insert and Mary Sue

Why do people write SIs? Because to write a decent main character, you need to have a good idea of who you're writing, and everybody knows themselves well enough to write about. A Self-Insert is not only the easiest character to write about, it is the default character to write about. This is particularly prevalent in fanfic, where the setting is already filled in, and the inspiration comes from someone automatically applying their default character. You have to deliberately create an original story, but a Self-Insertion fanfic writes itself (at least loosely).

Going for an SI over an OC can be a lazy choice, and if that laziness continues to the rest of the work, it can be an indicator of a poor story, but this isn't a flaw inherent to SI stories so much as SIs simply having a lower entry bar.

A Self-Insert is also generally considered to be a fair character to write about. ...An SI is assumed to be an audience member, an 'everyman' to some reasonable degree (even if it is assumed that gun-enthusiasts like to write stories in which guns exist, and so on), and this is a key detail. There's never a hard rule on what's considered wanky, but everyone agrees on a gut level that it's fair to write a story on the premise of “this is what I would do in this situation”. Fanfic is often written on the premise of an altered, different or additional protagonist doing things differently/better/more interestingly than the original story, and the use of an everyman as protagonist is usually considered a fair standard, as it usually below the accepted 'power level' of the setting. ...Even the addition of meta-knowledge, whilst sometimes absurdly potent, is sufficiently within the domain of 'the everyman' that people will read it without harming their SoD, so long as there is a tolerable excuse for why that knowledge is present (though many people do include it as their one unicorn).

Furthermore, there is sometimes an element of challenge to it. Many competent original writers avoid giving their protagonists the idiot ball by making a situation really, really crappy. Thus it becomes for many a question of “can I write an interesting story in which the problem is solved better than in canon?” So not only is the SI trying to do a better job than the original characters, the SI-writer themself is trying to do a better job than the original writer.

To be honest, I think the clearest indicator of a Mary Sue is when they stop being an 'everyman', and start being someone whom the audience cannot bring themselves to relate to.

...A non-Mary Sueish Self-Insert is narratively justified. Narrative justification is easier when the character isn't highly-competent, uncommonly popular, or possessed of traits that would not be expected to come about naturally from the circumstances of that story or character, but I feel that the ability of the story to make any oddities of the characters, setting or plot seem reasonable, logical and believable is the ultimate determiner of whether a protagonist is a Mary Sue.

– frozenchicken, from ‘Sufficient Velocity’ forum.

The contest that I participated in was to make a self-insert character (a character based on yourself), in Tolkien’s world.

Megileth is a character that I created based on myself and what was on my mind (at that time).

I was into prominent female figures (be it in fiction or in history), therefore I also wanted to make a character that fits into that.

The idea of Megileth was also influenced after I read several times about the criticisms of Tolkien’s female characters.

…it becomes for many a question of “can I write an interesting story in which the problem is solved better than in canon?” So not only is the SI trying to do a better job than the original characters, the SI-writer him/herself is trying to do a better job than the original writer…

Perhaps I accidentally made Megileth an improved female character of Tolkien, something that is very trending in the circle of feminism today (Hollywood reboots & Dysney’s live-actions) but very much despised by canon purists and casual audiences.

And the judges may have thought that “Megileth can’t be Tolkien’s character,” “Megileth is Mary Sue,” etc (despite her weaknesses and my careful survey not to defy the canon).

I was considering Megileth as a healer, there are many female elves in Tolkien’s world who are healers, according to “Of the Laws and Customs Among the Eldar”:

The scholiast claims that most female Elves do not fight or kill, because it diminishes healing power in which they have chosen to specialize, and that those male Elves who are healers "abstained from hunting, and went not to war until the last need."

Going by the ‘canon’ rules, Megileth as healer can’t be a warrior, she cannot go to war unless until the last need.

Megileth as a healer would lowkey reflect my childhood aspiration to be a doctor. But for a self-insert character (based on myself), she would hardly reflect me at the time (in early 2016). Because by then, I had long neglected my old aspiration that is already impossible to realize.

I thought that ‘Megileth as an elf warrior and advisor’ would reflect me better than ‘Megileth as a healer’.

Then, comparing Megileth with Natalie (the winner) without knowing what the reasons were from the judges regarding the result, I can only assume that Megileth failed to portray Tolkien’s (female) character while Natalie did it very well.

I Nestad in-Edhil: The Healing of the Eldar

To be honest, I felt there was a sense of contrary to this contest. As the contest was about self-inserting, surely I created Megileth to reflect myself (as much as possible) in Tolkien’s world. Then what about the standard for not making her ‘Mary Sue’?

I didn't think about making Megileth so fit into that world, as in giving her the average roles (healers, wives/lovers/queens or handmaidens) because such a role would not reflect who I was at the time, giving her those roles would make her no longer me.

I was not in love to anyone, I did not fantasize about having romantic relationships with any fictional characters. Therefore I can’t be just <insert canon male character name here>’s lover.

Then, my solution to not making her a Mary Sue was that her fighting ability is average, that she was not the only advisor the Noldor relied on in every battlefield, that she is not an exceptionally genius but her capability is quite acknowledged, that she was involved in a losing battle (Nirnaeth Arnœdiad), and although she survived, she does not make a big name like the legendary Galadriel.

Plus, she doesn’t heal people because she can’t be a healer!

I think it was my mistake for participating in the contest, I was tempted by the gifts they offered for the winner. I shouldn't have been involved in that contest.

Self-Insert character is our personal character, they are “us if we are in a world of fiction”. There should be no character better than another. No one should win over another.

Of course my loss at the contest felt like a personal attack on me. “So I made a bad character? But that character is based on me, am I bad then?”

Since then, I have never taken part in any OC contests, especially if it's based on myself.

…an SI can be written like any other character, with flaws and mistakes, while a Mary Sue is by definition flawless.

Of course, it is perfectly possible for a character to be both an SI and a Mary Sue, and it is my understanding that this is the general state of affairs. It is something about writing about themselves that makes authors unwilling to acknowledge their flaws.

…SIs do frequently fall under the Mary Sue label, but not all SIs are Mary Sue fics, and not all Mary Sues are SIs. Thus, it is possible to write a non-MS SI, but it is not possible to write a good MS fic.

- Grey Rook, from ‘Sufficient Velocity’ forum.

Self-inserts are simply characters based on ourselves. People write SIs for the wish fulfillment and power fantasy. It depends on our imagination and how we fantasize, it is possible to make realistic self-insert without making them a Mary Sue, but there will always be a risk of turning your self-insert into Mary Sue.

I think it's not really fair to use “Self-Insert theme” as a contest, it would be better to have it as an event. Artists and writers can have fun with their self-inserts without having to win or lose, without having to feel that their characters are better or worse than the others.

[my-arlington-academia]

Karolina and Tegan birthday fanfic! 👓👠

I wrote a (short?) fanfic for Karolina's and Tegan's birthdayyy 🎉🎉 Last time Scholar was a she so I decided that in this one Scholar will be a he again 👍 Hopefully my writing is getting less cringe 😂 but as you'll see for yourselves I'm still really bad, especially the narration, sometimes I'm like "Wait, what am I supposed to describe here to move on to the next scene?" So most of it is really basic 😅 On a lighter note though, I know that many sweet elite players come from lots of different countries and most times their first language isn't English (*cough*like me*cough*) so at least it'll be easy to read for everyone? (Yes, I'm totally trying to make myself feel better for my lack of vocabulary 😔)

Anyways!!! Have a good read! God I hope I'm getting better...

--------------------------------------

"Karolina used to play Maryo Kart!?"

Tegan flinched due to Scholar's sudden outburst and almost dropped the controller out of his hands.

"W-Well... yeah. We were pretty close in elementary school and we used to share the same interests. Not when it came to everything but we usually agreed about a lot of things."

Tyler cackled from the bunk bed upon hearing this. Looks like he was still browsing through a shit-ton of pictures of chairs on Moogle. Apparently, he wanted to draw a chair for his next art piece.

"Just imagining Karolina even playing an app game gives me the same feeling as watching one of John Mulaney's skits: it's hilarious."

Scholar couldn't help but imagine Karolina playing Candy Rush or Flappy duck and it was in fact rather funny. Seeing Karolina frustrated because of a game would be like seeing Tadashi sleeping, which means it was impossible. Those two really need more rest and a bit of down time...

"So Tyler, you found any chairs that give you a spark of inspiration?"

Scholar decided to change the subject, after all Karolina didn't want anything to do with Tegan even though it was... well... their birthday. Scholar doesn't even have siblings let alone a twin so he had no idea how Tegan must be feeling right now. But from an outsider's perspective, Scholar thought that it was kind of sad and a waste that they didn't at least celebrate their birthday together. Tegan said that he didn't want anything too extravagant though. Thus, the 3 of them had gathered in their room to spend some time together, Ellie was also supposed to come but she said that she had "things to do" and that she'd drop by later.

"Nah man. MIKEA is really running out of ideas. I could come up with sicker designs in the blink of an eye. Actually, in a way this encourages me even more to draw a chair. I'll create the best chair this world has ever seen Scholar. Just. You. Wait."

While Tyler was hyping himself up over chairs Tegan had a really stern look on his face. Maybe it was because he was focused on the game but Scholar felt like there was something more to it. Perhaps they should've invited more people? In truth, the only real guest here was Scholar. This was TnT's room after all... Why is Ellie taking so long?

"...Tegan? Maybe you'd like me to go call Axel and Raquel over? Maybe even Alistair and Claire?"

Tegan who was frowning for a while now finally let his eyebrows relax.

"No uh... Sorry if I looked angry or something but um. I was just thinking about something."

When he said that, Tyler immediately let go of his phone and dropped down on the floor, then he sat next to Tegan.

"When you tell us that you're thinking about something, it means that you want to talk to us about it, right?"

Tegan continued to smash the buttons of the controller without even giving Tyler a side-glance.

"Not necessarily."

Somehow, Tegan was acting a bit cold but not in his usual "I'm sleep deprived" way. Tyler gave Scholar a pleading look. Probably meaning that Tegan needed another little push to tell them what was going through his mind. Of course, Scholar couldn't ignore that.

"Aww, come on man! If it was because you were spacing out like usual you would've just said "it's nothing" butcha didn't! You know you can tell us everything right? We won't snitch."

Tyler followed.

"Exactly! We'll never break the bro code of honor. Spill the tea! Or water! Or whatever drink it is!"

Tegan gave them a big sigh before leaving the game on pause and putting the controller down. Tyler and Scholar looked at eachother dumbfounded. When Tegan puts the controller down it means that shit is about to get real... or he's so tired that he'll short-circuit in a span of 10 seconds.

"Well, it's about Karol. Kinda. I guess."

Scholar and Tyler scooched over even closer to be sure to miss none of it. Talking about Karolina wasn't a taboo topic or anything, on the contrary, it was quite frequent and Tegan was totally fine with his friends taking jabs at her as long as it wasn't mean-spirited. But what was rare though, was for Tegan to bring her up out of nowhere.

"It's... how to say this. You know how when it's Christmas and you become super nostalgic about the smallest things? Or when Viewtube recommends you a short clip from a show you used to watch years ago and you decide to marathon it just for the heck of it? Well, for me that "nostalgic" time is our birthday. When I remember how we used to be so close and hang out together all the time I get kinda uh. I don't know. Regretful? Like, maybe if I didn't end up being a loser who spends all of his time playing games and doing dumb stuff Karol might still tolerate me. Or uh. If I dressed up a little nicer or took better care of myself maybe she'd at least want to stand next to me in public? Now, unless absolutely necessary, she doesn't even want to be associated with me. Like, she's ashamed of me or she doesn't want the other students to think that we're related or something. I don't know. Maybe I'm making it sound worse than it actually is but that's how I feel."

Woah. Okay. To be honest, Tyler and Scholar had already thought that something along those lines might be the reason for Tegan's grumpy mood today. That was a feeling he probably carried with him subconsciously everyday, just maybe to a smaller extent since he drowns himself in video games and doritos. But whenever their birthday comes around, all of it resurfaces. He already told them in the past that when Karolina started taking modeling gigs they started slowly growing apart. Tegan had said it so nonchalantly, like it wasn't a big deal and it was natural to "grow apart" but clearly, he wasn't happy about it.

Tegan was hanging his head low, as for Tyler and Scholar, they lay their heads down on Tegan's shoulders. Tyler ran his fingers through Tegan's hair to confort him.

"You're not a loser in any way Tegan. Karolina is the one missing out on you, she shouldn't set standards on you in the first place. So what? Just because you don't wear Bucci, Bupreme or Bouis Buitton it means that she has the right to act like this? You're my best bro and I know that my best friend is the coolest dude in the world. I mean, who can drink 3 monster drinks at the same time through 2 straws amirite?"

"Hm. Actually... You're not wrong."

Wait, 3 monster drinks at the same time with 2 straws? What?? Scholar's eyes widened.

"Uhhh. What the hell do you guys do when I'm not around? And may I remind you that Tegan is also my best friend!"

Tyler let out a laugh through his nose.

"Oh please, you may have barely enough points to unlock his tragic backstory but I'm still the OG. I'm ahead of you by at least a hundred points. Also, I wouldn't exactly call you a friend but rather-"

Tegan swiftly elbowed Tyler in the stomach.

"Ssshhh! Dude!"

"Ouch! Come on man... you know that Scholar is a bit dense sometimes, you gotta at least let me spell it out for him."

This was about to become a fight between the two of them, with Tegan trying to shut Tyler up and Tyler desperately trying to tell Scholar something. However, someone knocked on the door. That's weird, usually Ellie just barges in without even asking if she can. She just says "It's Ellie!" and comes in like this is her room as much as it is Tegan's and Tyler's. Their small fight stopped and Tegan got up to open the door... to be welcomed with cheers and confetti flying in the air. "WOOOOOOO!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY NERD!!!" Ellie had brought the whole gang: Alistair, Axel, Claire, Raquel and even Tadashi. The only ones who weren't there were Karolina and Neha but in a way, it was kind of to be expected. They were maybe celebrating Karolina's birthday in her room with some of their friends from the fashion department? In any case, everyone was thrilled for Tegan. They congratulated him and gave him some gifts even if they were a little bit less personal than anticipated. It was apparent that some of those were chosen in a rush. If Scholar had to guess, since Tegan is so secretive and discreet about everything, he probably didn't tell anyone about his birthday and Ellie had to go around fetching everyone and bringing them together. That's why some of the gifts exuded that "Oh shit! It's Tegan's birthday today!!!" aura. Especially Tadashi's gift.

"This is kopi luwak. Those coffee beans are extracted from the asian palm civet's excrements. I know that you're more into energy drinks but I thought that you might want to try something different. I know it sounds disgusting but the taste is actually not bad and it'll definitely wake you up, everytime you remember that you're drinking coffee that came out of an animal's digestive system it gives you an extra dose of adrenaline. No matter how many times I drink it, this coffee always makes me feel like I'm a little bit in danger and it wakes me up immediately."

Tegan looked really curious about it but at the same time uneasy at the thought of having to drink coffee made of beans that came out of an animal's asshole.

"Woah... thanks... Tadashi."

"You're welcome."

So that's how Tadashi stays awake, huh? He makes himself fear for his life by drinking weird coffee. Scholar had already heard of it, there's even some kinds that are made from elephant poop and civet cat poop. However, Axel was the first and only one to call Tadashi out.

"What the fuck man? It's his birthday and you gifted him fricking coffee beans that come from a raccoon's butthole? Well, I guess the nickname Tadashit fits you perfectly since you literally drink shit."

Tadashi rolled his eyes so far back that his pupils might've gone in his skull if he wasn't human.

"Like I said, it comes from the asian palm civet. Not a raccoon. Also, do not call me that."

Axel and Tadashi kept on bickering for a while before Claire brought the cake.

"Ta-dah! Sorry if it's not good enough but there weren't any backeries out there willing to make a birthday cake on such a short notice. I had to bake it myself with Alistair's help. We hope you like it!"

The cake gave off a really homey feeling. Scholar was reminded from back home when all of his birthday cakes looked really similar to this one. The icing was really amateurish looking but really really cute. Alistair switched the lights off and Tegan took a moment to think about his wish. The room went silent in front of his stern expression, seems like whatever his wish was, it must be pretty important. When he blew the candles everyone cheered but no one asked him what he wished for. Maybe no one felt the need to since it is said that if you say your wish out loud it won't come true.

Before Raquel could cut the cake Alistair took his phone out. "Wait! Wait a sec, let's take pictures with the cake first! I'm the one who drew the Zbox and the Playmotion logo..."

Raquel put the knife down while laughing. "Oohhh. So I bet that's the real reason why you don't want me to cut it yet?"

They all took lots of ridiculous pictures with the cake. It was a pretty big one so Raquel cut it into 10 slices. After a bit of a ruckus, things finally started calming down. The 9 of them sat down in a circle and talked about random subjects: the teachers, the homework, sleep paralysis, the new Store Wars movie, the conscious and unconscious mind in cognitive psychology...

The time was passing by and everyone was having fun no matter how weird the conversation was getting until Raquel reminded everyone of the last slice of cake.

"If no one's gonna eat it, I'll eat it."

The only one who was against it was Tyler who also wanted the last slice. They decided to choose the winner through rock paper scissors. A 3 round match. But just as it was about to start, someone knocked on the door again. Did the noise annoy the neighbours? It was getting pretty late after all.

Scholar got up to open the door only to find... Karolina followed by Neha!

"Happy b- oh. It's you."

Karolina was holding a small package and as for Neha, she didn't even bother to wrap up her gift. It was a fancy hoodie with a sort of skull on its back. Tegan almost flew towards the door.

"Karol! You came... and Neha, is that Sombra merch?"

Neha smiled warmly, seeing that he noticed right away.

"Yes. I mean, kind of. It's that character from Underwatch, right? I don't know if it's your favorite but one time I remember you saying that "she was fun to play". So I made you this. The quality isn't really that good though, sorry. Unfortunately, I didn't have enough time to make it properly. Anyway, I'm rambling. Happy birthday Tegan."

Tegan immediately put the purple hoodie on in excitement.

"Looks sick. Thank you Neha. You really nailed the logo."

Karolina also thought that it looked "sick" but not in a good way. She was clearly not getting why wearing that sort of thing would make someone happy. Since it was made by Neha, of course it was really well done but why does he prefer wearing video game merch rather than high quality clothing? She was almost regretting coming here. Tyler laughed at the sight of Karolina trying really hard not to roll her eyes, it looked like her pupils were trembling. Kinda terrifying honestly.

"I would've thought that you like soldier 76 or Tracer better since... they're about as straight as you are. But besides that, it looks dope Neha! Would you make one of my paintings into a T-shirt one day? Like, you know, my birthday? August 21st? Pretty pleaaase!"

It wasn't long until everyone started requesting clothes from Neha for their birthdays. Of course, she shut them all down while Karolina still stood there with what looked like a gift.

"Ugh. I see that you invited a lot... of people."

Her cold gaze was on Axel and Alistair specifically, since she did not like those two. As for Tegan, he was silently waiting for his gift. Judging by his face, it had been a while since Karolina had showed up to one of their birthdays, not to mention that she brought a gift too.

"Anyway... here. I'm sure you don't play those kinds of games anymore but uh... Well, in any case you better not laugh at my gift. Or else."

Tegan carefully unwrapped the gift. It was the new Maryo Kart! Everyone was baffled. Karolina actually gifted Tegan a video game? What's next? Is she going to play it too on top of gifting it? Tegan thanked her happily and reached for something behind the TV. It was Karolina's gift. Her eyes scanned the shape of the wrapping trying to guess what it was. Though she didn't lose any more time trying to figure out what it was and opened it. It was a Bouis Buitton bag. Karolina smiled.

"Basic choice but not bad. Thanks."

Seeing that Neha had already sat down, Karolina did the same. Of course, to Raquel's regret, they ended up splitting the last slice of cake, Karolina said that she didn't mind since she couldn't afford to eat food with too much calories. Especially not pastries but she let this one slide. As for Tegan, he immediately switched the game on. Of course. But then, he offered the second controller to Karolina. Everyone looked at him like he was batshit crazy. Miraculously though, Karolina sighed and took the controller.

"...Fine. But I don't remember the controls anymore."

That was a fricking lie. Karolina was killing it?? At Maryo Kart?? Raquel was going crazy. Well, everyone actually. But especially Raquel.

"What the hell?! So you steal the last slice of cake and now you're whooping Tegan's ass in a video game? I didn't even think you knew how to hold the controller correctly..."

Karolina clicked her tongue at that remark, looking unimpressed. Though clearly, she was a bit embarrassed about playing against her brother in front of 9 other people who had no idea that she was even capable of touching a controller without throwing up. But during that time, Tegan was grinning like a kid. It was like going back in time for him. He was thrilled. How many years has it been since the last time they played together like this?

"Believe it or not, but Karolina was actually the one to always kick my ass in video games. She was too strong. Thankfully, she's a bit rusty now."

Karolina elbowed his arm violently but Tegan didn't budge. It was like he was used to it, maybe Karolina always tried to distract him from the game by pushing him when they were little?

"Oh shut up. It's the game's fault. Why the heck did they add that much useless features? Also, the maps are way worse than the old Maryo Kart games. Those ones are a jumbled mess, doesn't make any goddamn sense with those twists and turns."

Karolina frighteningly sounded like a retrogaming nerd. Could it be that Tegan's love for video games came from...? Nah, no way. She's just salty that Tegan is catching up in wins. They're tied now.

"Okay! What about this: The one who wins the next round gets a kiss on the cheek from Scholar!" Ellie proclaimed in a loud voice.

"Wait! Why me??"

Scholar honestly doubted that Karolina would like that, Tegan? Maybe. But not Karolina. Surprisingly enough she didn't react but that lack of reaction probably hid something. Usually she would complain and quit but she's not the type to lose on purpose after getting this far. Tegan looked fired up too. Looking back on it, earlier Tyler was trying really hard to say something. Could it be that both Tegan and Karolina like Scholar? Well... that would be extremely awkward and unlikely.

In any case, it looks like Tegan has a head start.

"What's wrong Karol? Have you really forgotten the controls?"

"Say that again and I might murder you."

This is the most intense party of Maryo Kart anyone had ever seen. Isn't there an e-sport for it? Maybe the Novak(ova) siblings should sign up...

In the end, Karolina managed to catch up somehow. Ellie took that host voice again.

"Alright ladies and gents! Looks like Karolina will be the one receiving the prize! But what an act of cruelty on the sister's part, wouldn't you say? Because she was heartless and unpleasant I declare that as compensation the viewers should also get a kiss!"

Everyone cheered for Scholar's kiss but funnily enough, Tegan looked super offended. He was about to throw a tantrum.

"Wait. So I'm the only one without a kiss?!? That is so unfair! It's my birthday... I should at least get a participation fee!"

Tyler patted him on the back.

"That's rough, buddy. But hey, at least your boyfriend didn't turn into the moon."

Tegan quickly elbowed Tyler in the stomach again.

"Dude! Scholar's not my... dammit, I told you to be quiet earlier."

"Ow! I didn't even say any name... You're the one digging your own grave man. Look, he's looking this way."

Seeing that Tegan looked absolutely heartbroken (and pissed), Scholar took Ellie's place as the announcer.

"Change of plans! Only the siblings get a kiss because it's their birthday. All the others won't get any because it would be extremely unfair."

That's when everyone started booing but Raquel seemed to have an idea. A stupid one. But still an idea.

"Uhhh, excuse me! Actually, I'm their sister. We're triplets, so I also get a kiss!"

Axel did the same.

"No, Raquel is lying sir! We're actually quadruplets so I get a kiss as well! The four of us look so similar, I have no idea how you missed that..."

This whole thing turned out to be ridiculous. Seems like Tegan and Karolina suddenly had 8 new siblings. But of course, only the 2 of them got the kiss. Everyone was satisfied with the birthday party despite all of the chaos.

-------------------------------------- Oooookay! That's it! Sorry the ending was so abrupt (as usual) but I never know how to end these... Thank you for reading though! And sorry if you cringed! But that's a risk I'm willing to take ✊😔

[swanlake1998]

Dance Magazine Article by Jennifer Stahl on June 4, 2020

Title: These Ballet Dancers Are Calling Out Inequity at Their Companies

Over the past few years, calls for the ballet world to become more diverse, equitable and inclusive have become a regular rallying cry. Most of the public complaints, however, have been about general, systemic problems throughout the field.

But this week, as our entire country is reckoning with the devastating effects of racial injustice on the Black community, a handful of dancers have taken to Instagram to directly call out the problems they've seen in their own companies:

Nicholas Rose Asks National Ballet of Canada to "Do Better"

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Nicholas Isaiah King Rose (@nicholasrose_) on Jun 1, 2020 at 10:37am PDT

National Ballet of Canada corps member Nicholas Rose points out that right now, he and other Black dancers are going through terrible pain. But, when he recorded this video on Monday, none of the company leaders had reached out to offer support. Only six of the company's dancers asked if he was okay. He says, "A hashtag won't do it. That's lip service."

The lack of support he feels isn't new: He calls out ballet masters for confusing him with fellow Black dancer Siphesihle November. He calls out the fact that someone photoshopped his lips on his headshot.

Rose acknowledges that NBoC is definitely not the only company where things like this happen, and encourages his peers to speak up. "I am so sick of silencing myself to make you feel comfortable. I am the one who is feeling uncomfortable here."

Update: The following day, Rose had a meeting with company leadership and wrote, "From here on OUT, we focus on SOLUTION BASED MINDSETS." He has since taken down his original post.

George Sanders Asks Ballet Memphis to Live Up to Its Mission Statement

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A post shared by George Sanders (@gwins_) on May 31, 2020 at 11:41am PDT

In this video, George Sanders, who recently left Ballet Memphis, takes issue with the way the company prides itself in being a diverse company, yet, by the time he posted this, leaders had not done anything to address today's violence against Black people. "Where's your voice?" he asks.

His overall message is that he feels used. He points out that although the company hires Black dancers and choreographers, and uses Black music and culture, the staff remains all white. When a Black choreographer made a piece about social injustice and inequity, Sanders says she was asked to change it to something that shed more light and hope.

"I'm challenging them to say something," says Sanders. "Your silence is heard."

Jonathan Batista Asks Oklahoma City Ballet to Consider Its Promo Materials

Rose and Sanders' posts inspired Oklahoma City Ballet principal Jonathan Batista to speak up in his Instagram Story, writing that his company has never used a photo of him in a classical principal role in their marketing materials.

The following slide in his story included a note of hope: The leaders of the company had agreed to have a conversation with him about it.

Batista wrote: "Be the voice you want to hear. Be the change you want to see."

Samuel Akins Asks the Australian Dance Community to Rethink Who Can Be a Classical Dancer

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A post shared by SAM AKINS (@samakins) on Jun 3, 2020 at 7:25pm PDT

Former Los Angeles Ballet and Alabama Ballet dancer Samuel Akins paid for his own visa to move to Australia a year ago, but has found the almost entirely white dance community there unwilling to hire him. Although he doesn't mention names, in this video he relates how a director of an arts foundation in Australia told him, "Ballet was created for a certain type of person. It was envisioned to be danced by a certain type of person."

As he's watched the recent events in the United States unfold, he says, "I have cried every single day this week. I don't have a tear left in my body. But I'm not giving up."

[basia2002ib]

Profile & summary of my CAS

Learning outcomes

All in all I can say I achieved all learning outcomes. 

1. I identified own strengths and developed areas for growth. I got involved in activities that based on my prevailing skills but opened new ways to develop. Language can be deepened without limits; although I have got a certified C2 level in German I can still develop my skills and I continued to do so throughout my CAS.

2. I have undertaken a range of challenges, for instance passing a C2 exam in German seemed outlandish at first but then I got used to the idea and focused all my efforts to pursuing this goal. And I did it, even though it might seem abstract. I wanted to challenge myself to spice up my life a little bit and grow personally from the process. Now I can see a difference - my German language skills developed to such degree that when I am reading literature in German now I see an immense difference - now I can easily spot nuances and extract the deep meaning.

3. I initiated and planned CAS experiences thoroughly. I am a pragmatic person who tends to stick to the plan because it gives direction. CAS stages came naturally to me, I did not have to force them because they are inherent parts of planning process. My intellectual challenges undertaken in German - 2 competition and one language certificate required detailed planning for adequate preparation. Also my internship in the foundation required planning and time-management skills as I had to combine it with my various initiatives and rigorous IB programme. CAS stages were useful to plan my CAS project as well - I was in MUN staff, which means I coorganized WawMUN 2019.

4. Commitment and perseverance are prerequisite for success. I understand it therefore in every action I take these factors resonate. Otherwise I would accomplish my goals such as honours in German, I would not be able to play volleyball in the first-line up or I would not fulfill my demanding duties throughout my internship effectively. These are only examples of actions where I used my commitment and perseverance to succeed.

5. I saw benefits of working collaboratively during the WawMUN 2019 conference, which I organized as my CAS project but also in my internship in the foundation and my service as a student goverment vice president. In the student government we need to rely on one another and have each other’s back. We do share responsibilities to make sure nothing is neglected. We help each other and in case of emergency may replace one another either during a debate or while discussing issues with the head mistress. Throughout my internship I served as an assistant therefore I needed to adjust to the current responsibilities. I was instructed by more experienced employees all the way and assigned tasks. WawMUN conference is the biggest MUN in Poland therefore the organization process is complicated and required the division of tasks. If we did not trust each other and if we did not share responsibilities, the effect would not be so spectacular. The results showed the benefits of the team work from its best side.

6. I engaged with issues of gloabl significance throughout my CAS project which was co-organizing the MUN conference. Practising debating skills is crucial in today’s world and new generations of politicians have a chance to challenge their capabilities on the conference. The topics discussed in individual commitees touched upon issues of global significance. It is great to give my peers a chance to gain skills, delve into controversial subjects and defend their position. Some of them would probably pursue politics further in life; MUN conferences are truly inspirational in this respect.

7. One of the ethical issues I adressed during my activity as a student government vice president was the animal consumption. To relieve the environment, make my own step to reduce cruelty against animals, at least at the local level, I negotiated with the canteen supervisor to introduce vegan food. Unfortunately it was not possible to serve vegan dinners because of technical diffuculties but vegan sandwiches appeared in the canteen soon after our proposal. This is the way to satisfy needs of people on a plant-based diet but also a way to promote environmentally friendly food, with no associated cruelty.

Creativity

I love literature and foreign languages. Throughout my CAS, I combine this two effectively to follow both of my passions simultaneously. I read and write a lot in German and do far beyond what is required in my school. My goals in German are wide-ranging and not confined to my German B classes, but I challenged myslef to take part in competition and to read German literature. Once I have read “The Sorrows of Young Werther”, “Faust”, “The Visit”, “The Trial” in original and it commenced my relationship with German literature. I was captivated by it to such extent that I made a German classic “The Magic Mountain” the center of my Extended Essay. I also chose “The Metamorphosis” by Franz Kafka to use in my oral exam. Thomas Mann and Franz Kafka are one of my favourite writers of all time and they allow me to trace different nuances of German language. Close analysis of these works of art should involve in my opinion delving into the original work. A valuable experience might be to compare it with the translation, which I did throughout my independent study.

My tangible achievements in German (the evidence for my skills) were: a C2 certificate in German, a disitinction in the translation contest “Juvenes Translatores” organized by the European Commision and a finalist title in the National German Olympiad. I reached my aforementioned goals in 2020. They involved CAS stages. 1. I investigated the area I wanted to deepen my skills in and specific aims I wanted to pursue and these were competitions in German. 2. I prepared my strategy, researched the most respectable competitions and exams I wanted to take part in, signed up for them and planned preparation which was necessary because of huge amounts of school work and limited free time. 3. I took specific action, exposed myself to the language days before the exam and throughout multiple months I was doing practice papers, reading and watching a lot. 4. I realized that by pursuing my passion in German and going beyond the curriculum I freed myself and could really delve into the language. The experience provided me with the sense of purpose - my life was not only concerned with my Diploma syllabus but I could get acquainted with literature and recognized the power of translation in terms of its strong influence on the reception of foreign texts. 

From then onward I worked to maintain my German on the same high level. I should not take it for granted - I am not a native speaker. My accomplishements required huge amounts of work and also talent but might disappear if not cared for properly.

Activity

In the course of my CAS journey I have been active in many disciplines. Sport is one of my few ways to unwind and stop stressing about reality. I think that the limited possibilities to practice sport were one of the major obstacles during the pandemic. I was deprived of my only way to switch off and relax. Before the pandemic I used to swim and play volleyball in a school team every week plus I attended 3 Physical Education classes per week. Now my prefered activities are not possible to pursue because of lockdown which entailed school, sport halls and swimming pool closures. Moreover I am concerned with the virus. At the start of 2020 we managed to take the fouth place in district-wide volleyball competition. My team and I wanted to improve next year but the pandemic unexpectedly shattered my plans. I am grateful, however, for having been given a chance to represent my school in the first line-up. Moreover, I would attend volleyball practice every Saturday.

My PE classes give me a chance to play volleyball, football or do fitness. I enjoy almost every activity that is physically demanding. And I am also great in sport which boosts my motivation. Beyond school, I used to exert myself a lot in swimming and have difficulties to find enjoyment in it. However, I am a really good swimmer and it strengthens my determination, improves posture and health.

Throughout the pandemic, I have been practising sport independently, as it is an extremely important part of my life. However, in the first lockdown in the spring I used to overexert myself doing long and intensive workouts every day on an empty stomach to the point when I got health problems. I had to give it up and switched to another physical activity, less demanding but equally fun: walking. Never before have I taken walks so often as during the pandemic. Now, in the winter lockdown I also go for a walk sometimes.

Service

I began my CAS journey in 2019 with giving tutoring to a primary school student from a underprivileged background. Teaching subjects I am comfortable in (English and German) and his improved grades were reasons for my satisfaction. It required a lot of patience and perseverance as it was extremely difficult to teach him something because firstly he lacked motivation and secondly he had difficulties memorizing. This made it a huge challenge but turned out to be rewarding.

The second half of my first IB year (2020) I sacrificed for my internship (voluntary work) in a foundation.  My scope of activity consisted in the cooperation with the Fundraising Director and the Spokeswoman of the foundation; I had duties related to fundraising and media such as: preparing summaries of the reports from humanitarian missions for fairs in Dubai, translating posts for English social media profiles, collecting data for media reports, translating official requests for the sponsorship, gathering contact details of potential sponsors i.e. big companies and Presidents of the biggest Polish cities, monitoring press mentions.

Throughout 2020 I have also been fulfilling duties of the student government vice president. My team was elected in February 2020 and until now (beginning of 2021) I hold this position. I resolve current problems with the head mistress, co-organize and participate in events e.g. open days, control social media, coordinate logistics. In March we attended an event for student governments across Warsaw. I also tried to organize the Physics conference with my 2 friends in my school but it was cancelled last-minute due to imposed school closure, one week before it was scheduled to take place. Everything had been arranged with lecturers and we had to cancel feeling miserable.

My wide range of CAS activities - other examples

Apart from my core activities which I described, I got involved in numerous other CAS experienced described on this blog. One of the most enriching ones was my participation in the process of creation of a book. I wrote my own essay to a book published this month by my former class teacher. I entitled my work: “School is people: about sparking authenticity and breaking patterns”. I also cooked a lot and published some of my recipes on the blog, wrote to my school newspaper, took part in environmental protests, wrote some poems, some diary entry, practiced Frech, including writing, took many beautiful photos on my trips abroad,... 

I also co-organized WawMUN2019 conference as my CAS project.