#i am trying to get back on the art train this week but i've lost my mind to WORDS

[jotawaifu]

i'm thinking of doing a full comic illustration... of the fic that i'm writing... the fic whose outline alone is 15k words...

[chunkypossum]

Eris Week 2024 Master List

I knew I wanted to participate in @erisweekofficial this year but I think I went nuts. I did surprise myself at only making complete things this time. NO WIP YAY! I have also decided that I hate everything I have ever written but you’re getting it anyway 🤣

Going through the final edits in the next couple of days. Here's a rundown….

*Summaries if the summaries were written by Bad Lip Reading ...

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Day 1: Bonds and Bargains || Under the Weeping Beech

22k words || READ ON AO3 || Eris X Azriel

PLUS AZRIS ART

I made Mor's power of truth more interesting, got carried away, bon appetit.

*Disclaimer DO NOT actually read this one. Major Character deaths, hurt NO comfort, You're not going to like Mor or what I've done to her etc etc

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Day 2: Childhood and Legacy || Patience of Princes

6k words || READ ON AO3 || Background AZRIS

PLUS ERIS ART: Legacy of Autumn

Prince Eris has a tough day, his momma tells him a story.

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Day 3: Healing || Mother Save us from Your Twisted Fate PART 2

4k words || READ ON AO3 || Azriel X Eris

PLUS AZRIS ART

Eris is alive but at what cost to his soul? Can Azriel and Eris bring each other back from the edge of the void they have spent the last few months lost in?

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Day 5: War || Wings and Steel

2k words || READ ON AO3 || Implied Azris

PLUS ERIS ART: Atop the Knoll

Eris successfully holds up his end of the bargain and manages to bring aid to the Hybern battle in ACOWAR.

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Day 6: AU || Travelers in the Bayou

6k words || READ ON AO3 || Azriel X Eris

PLUS AZRIS ART

Eris is trying to live a quiet life in the backwaters of a forgotten town, hoping himself to be forgotten when trouble walks in.

*This is an excerpt from a full fic I am working on that I managed to turn into a one shot from Eris' POV

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Day 7: FREE DAY || ERIS ART

Surprise Surprise... I somehow managed to make them all involve AZRIS in some way soooo...

Holla at ya boi if you want on or off the Azris tag train :

@talibunny30 @iftheshoef1tz @born-to-riot @fell-in-luvs @fieldofdaisiies @aktrain @honeysuckle-daydreams13 @secret-third-thing @acourtofladydeath @pippsmcgee @youvereachedthenearest-lovergirl @baileybird71 @skyesayshi @yanny-77 @areyoudreaminof @unanswered-stars @futurehunt @ninthcircleofprythian @matrixsss @going-through-shit @c-starstuff-man0 @jules-writes-stories @the-darkestminds @krowiathemythologynerd @cauldronblssd @hieragalbatorixdottir @yourlazykitkat @hellolordling @climbthemountain2020 @lilah-asteria  @shadowsandlint @acourtofbatboydreams @theeternalstruggle @christeareads @molcat07 

[fictitiousmagines]

You've Already Got Me Wrapped Around Your Finger Part 4

You couldn't imagine my delight, when you invited me to a mid-day picnic after you poured your heart out to me in the stacks at Mooney's. I'd wanted to kiss you, so desperately, but heroes wait for their moment.

And you are a vision here in this bustling park, the pale blue sun dress and the same ole tote that you sling over your shoulder. You are a vision. You're effortless, in a way that people try to emulate but never quite measure up to.

You blush and babble as you unpack a spread of cheese, crackers and fruit. As you unpack, your most prized possession tumbles from the depths of your tote: your journal. You've mentioned in passing, that you draw and write in there and its the only time you feel like you can be yourself. I am Captain Ahab and your journal is my white whale.

"Oops," Y/N says while quickly stuffing it back in. Its a deep green with tattered corners but she touches it with such tenderness.

I hope you can be yourself with me, Y/N. I hope you can tell that I'm here to save you. I'm here to take care of you.

It was an absolutely perfect day: the picnic, the train back to our little part of New York City, the leisurely ride home, kissing you on your porch.

Your lips were so soft, Y/N. They're almost a drug. The way I got lost in the moment and buried my hands into your soft hair. Pulling away, you looked up at me with a look that only can be described as vulnerable. Beautiful. I wanted to take you right there. But instead I stroked your cheek with my thumb and reassured you that I had a wonderful time. That I couldn't wait to see you again.

When you texted me later that night, you pulled me out of my reading. But you are always a welcome distraction.

"Thanks again for the beautiful day together. Wanna grab a drink later this week? PS. I lost my journal, maybe on the train? I'm bummed! Does Mooney's sell blank journals?"

I don't answer because I immediately plan on buying you one and bringing it to you in the morning. A nice one. And each time you pour your soul into its pages, you'll think of me.

It was irresistible grabbing it out of your bag on the train. Your attention was on the loud commotion to your right. In an instant, it went from your bag, to my backpack. Hidden under the picnic blanket.

Maybe I'll buy you a new bag, one with a zipper. I don't want anyone pickpocketing you. Anyone could grab your wallet and get your personal information. I just wanna keep you safe. Not everyone is going to have your best intentions at heart. But I do.

I've been worried about you, Y/N. This is just my way of checking on you. I'm sure you're worried about overloading me. About having too much baggage, but you could never be too much for me. The more I read, the more fascinated I became.

I learned from your journal, new things but also things I only suspected. Like, that your dads care overwhelms you sometimes. Even though you love your dad dearly. That you worry that it might be time to put him in a home, even though your heart couldn't bear it. That your brother resists helping you, even though you work round the clock. That you miss your mother. And rereading The Outsiders makes you feel more connected to her.

Your art is always so gestural. So much feeling.

My heart stopped when I saw that you even wrote about me.

You wrote about meeting me at the shop. Our coffee together. And even about eating bodega sandwiches in the stacks of Mooney's. How I made you feel safe at that moment.

"I don't want to get ahead of myself, but I think I like this guy Joe."

[livin4woso]

Breaking the media

Chapter 7- rest day

You had woken up in your bed the next morning which isnt where you had fell asleep the alarm clock next to you read 11.30am 'shit' was all you thought 'alexia is going to kill me im so late for training' you thought almost jumping from your bed and flinging the door open to the living room of the apartment however instead of finding the emptiness off the kitchen there was alexia mapi and ingrid. You stood almost clueless as the older girls turned to look at you "morning" mapi says first swivelling on her chair to face you "what the.. nah am i lost or something i thought we had training" you said staring almost having to think to blink " no we dont its a rest day" ingrid replied while the spanish girls look at eachother trying to decifer what you said. "What am i speaking a foreign language" you ask "yes y/n you are and i thought lucys accent was bad but you're on another level" mapi remarked " i agree with her Pequeña" alexia said greeting you with a warm smile.

You wandered to sit in the spare chair at the table as alexia served you breakfast it was like a little family you could never understand why alexia was so kind to you, the way she treated you it was like no one else had ever done before it was comforting. "I was thinking about going into town today" you said biting into a piece of toast. "You sure you want too?" Alexia ask concern filled her thoughts after yesterday. "Yeah i do you can come with me and be my tour guide" you said digging your elbow into her side "okay okay sure but no messing around otherwise im not buying you anything" she said back with her arms folded as if she was talking to a toddler.

You ran upstairs to get changed and make sure to have your phone with you as you shoved it into your jean pocket. "Okay im ready to go" you said bouncing on your heels "right let me get my shoes on but we have guests you know" alexia said pointing at mapi and ingrid "oh yeah do you wanna come then?" You asked hopeful they might come "we would love too but unfortunately we're going to a restaurant out of town so we need to go and get ready" mapi said almost sad that she couldn't hang out with you "no no its okay" you said smiling back at her.

You watched as the couple left the apartment and alexia followed car keys in hand to give you the best guided tour of Barcelona that anyone could ever give you. Your day was amazing you travelled to every single tiny art piece to the big monuments wandering through shops and stopping to try food. The day was amazing even though you did get made to go on photo duty as about 20 people recognised the la renia in her own kingdom but you didn't mind because truthfully you would have been the same a couple weeks ago.

The sun was coming to an end the skys turned from azule blue to a mix of dusty oranges and pinks that were littered with clouds as you made your way back to alexias car "thank you so much I've had such a good day even being your photographer" you said joking on the last part of your sentence "ohh shut up i might have to hire you if you're that good at taking photos then" she joked back "eyy i never that mate i only said i would for today" you said back "y/nnn stop with the English words you know i dont understand them" she said deadpanning her face "sorryyy they just slip out" you said pouting at her. The way home was peaceful you chatted all the way too the apartment and you talked right until you had to sleep as training had restarted and so did the games which you had hoped to start in.

[pierog]

SORRY THAT LAST ASK WAS EVIL here's a nice one what are some of your favourite memories from this year!!

LOL thank you

this got long so here's a read more

-goes w/out saying but spending 5 months travelling and cycling around europe was so cool. my fav bit was a month in italy -- particularly a workaway involving staying in a beautiful umbrian farmstead with a gaggle of gay men, so much cooking and cocktails and basking beneath the wisteria, walks thru medieval hilltop villages surrounded by golden meadows.. travelling solo is nice but i'm very much an extrovert and i felt so touched by the love and friendship i experienced here. i still talk to my boys most days. -i visited one of my best mates in cyprus and it was so fun i accidentally stayed for a whole month. loads of nature hikes, festivals, gigs, exploring abandoned cities, snorkelling in oceans so deep and blue and ancient. -later we flew to england to do brighton pride (hooked up with a lovely irish lass 😳) & visit some more expat uni pals. we went on a road trip afterwards in devon/cornwall and it was so beautiful but again the company was the main thing; i spend the whole time laughing til it hurt

-actually that reminds me of a random cute "small world" moment. on the bus from venice to rome, i saw a girl next to me reading the same book. we got chatting and it turned out she was going to brighton pride as well. we decided to meet up there, but everyone's phone service was jammed and we couldn't find each other!! so i gave up. a couple days later, i was boarding the train to london when i heard... "ASIA!!???" and it was her!!!!!!

-i cut my intercontinental cycle trip short cos i got into the final selection for an antarctica job and needed to be in the uk for the interview. as such i explored the scottish isles. my fav part was staying at a victorian manor in inverness owned by a witch who looked like stevie nicks and was hosting the scottish opera for the week. they invited me for wine and ghost stories by the fireplace and ending up giving me a ticket to the opera which was sooo silly but sweet!! so i saw carmen for free and gifted them some nice tesco roses and wine in return -i lost my phone in corfu but i couldnt be mad cos it was so fun. i went to a BEAUTIFUL grotto to snorkel which ended up being like a mamma mia beach bar. i was drinking a pina colada the size of my head when two aussie girls came over and said "do you mind if we smoke here" and i said "no go ahead" envisioning a cigarette but it ended up being an ENORMOUS doobie. they shared it with me and all the other girlies, we got crossfaded and went swimming, and i dropped my phone when trying to sensibly cross a road (it got handed into the consulate but shipping is so expensive so i'm working on that!)

-as such i've spent most of this year without a functioning phone & it's been grand. just so much more present and alive, got really into foraging, birdwatching, beachcombing, swimming in the ocean every day in the summer..

-coming back home was actually more tender than anything though. everyone goes on about post-travel blues but i've so enjoyed slipping back into mundanity; floor time with my best friend (you), parties, concerts, weekly life drawing and art club, finally feeling at home in this city. i got to illustrate a novel, animate a tv show opening, get my first poem published in a journal, work on a video game, and also win an nz game award for mine! i'm so grateful for my girlfriend and family and friends and lovely flat on the seaside. also i quit my shitty job for reals and am studying animal management next year so YAY

[eissibee]

God I knew this would happen

Got made redundant just before Christmas, after months of being given nothing to do by the company, despite begging and training and trying to make myself useful. Now I'm useless. It was my grad role opportunity and in 2 years I still don't feel like I know enough to even get the same role elsewhere. I tried to spend idle time learning but it wasn't enough. THEN my prodigal brother returns from a top London job to get several offers and a higher paying job within weeks of returning to the country. My company wouldn't even let me tell people I was leaving.

So it's back to this. Him back to 'help' me by pointing out my every flaw but the added bonus of saying my opinions are naughty bc I might be autistic and therefore don't know what is "usual". Him back to a great job and great friends who he goes camping with for new years before moving out into a flat with them.

And I'm still living at home. Almost no friends. No job. No direction, no motivation. One cat dead before Christmas and the other waiting for an appointment to go because she's got a growth under her tongue, and it's NOT FAIR because we JUST lost Mouse and she is happy and healthy as ever but we still have to kill her at some point but have no idea when is right. And I've got no support from the Great Modern Human Focused company I was booted from, one job lead that might go cold bc it's a family friend connection and that's not ethically sound, and my CV is an embarrassing mess just like I am. I had this stupid idea to make it fun and I KNEW. this would all hit as soon as Christmas was over.

I knew the pit would be waiting so I thought I could jump over rather than in, but I'm too weak for that. I leapt right in, right to the damn bottom, because I AM useless and weak. I'm "weird" and struggle with basic tasks, I claim to be an artist but never make art. I have all the time and opportunity in the world to make something or upskill or add to a UX portfolio I don't have, and I'm just. Lying in bed, making the pillow damp and hoping my parents don't try to get me to eat dinner cos idk if I can. It is pathetic.

My brother and dad and coworkers are right about me. I know nothing, my opinions have no value, I lack awareness and probably have a shit fucked work ethic anyway after months of nothing to do.

I miss Mouse. I need her. I told her that when she was diagnosed but it didn't matter. I was sobbing so hard next to her and she just put a paw on my leg. I begged her not to go and by the end she was so anemic and cold and thin I had to make that call myself. My parents were needing comfort and I was alone. I'm dreading having to face it all over again with Missie. I think hell is just hearing your mother sob in another room.

I know no one who knows me irl will see this. It's probably for the best. I feel like a useless jobless skill less unlovable nobody who will probably never find happiness or someone to care for me after my parents are gone. I'll never make that stupid picture book, or have a career, or dreams. It's just this, and then fog. Nothing I can see. What's the point?

See ya, 2022.

[mikimeiko]

Daytrip - To the lake! And the weather is good this time!

Ok, now that the weather is finally warm enough is time to go back to the lake and the hills/mountains! I'm staying in Lombardy today, and that means I get to use the Ioviaggio ticket, which is a day pass (or 2 days, or 3 days, or a week) that you can use on any regional train, every bus, every tram, every metro, some funiculars and even some lake ferries :3 (not today though) inside Lombardy (actually you can also get to a couple of places in Piedmont, Emilia Romagna and Veneto but only by train. Oh, and two cities in Switzerland! which is very amusing).

Am I going to describe every transport pass I use? Why yes, of course! It might make you want to come here and try them :D

First stop: Luino

I've been to Luino before, but this is the first time I see the historical town centre? The other times I must have stuck to the lakeside, but it is actually very pretty.

Luino is one of those eerie places that was clearly really prosperous at a certain point of history and then (slowly? all of a sudden?) lost its importance/status. The train station is huge and quite elegant, the newish part of the town and the lakeside are full of gorgeous art nouveau buildings, many of those former hotels now converted to other uses.

In 2019 I started a sort of project, an instagram page called Ognistazione that I hoped at some point to turn into a website, a combination of my wanderlust and my completionism: visiting every train station in Lombardy and see what you can find there (unofficial motto: there's always something to see), exploring railway lines one stop at a time. When the lockdown started I was only two stations short on my second line; the first thing I did when the three weeks from my second dose of vaccine were over was to go to those two stations and finish that line. Life was hectic at the time, and a few months passed before I started a new line, but still something was a little bit off and I keeping it up started to feel more like a chore than anything else. So it went on an indefinite hiatus (I briefly revived the page during last summer's train tour, though it was a little off topic).

But today, while I was on the train in a direction I hadn't traveled in a while, I actually felt like trying again. Because really, it's just this weird project that is not really about trains and it's not really about daytrips and it's not really about discovering hidden gems but it kinda is all of these things, and at the best of times it felt like a little nudge to get me on a train and wandering even when I thought I didn't have the energy so I don't know. Let's try again I guess.

(With some modifications, there were aspects that were unsustainable and I don't really care for unsustainability in my free time) (Also would anyone maybe be interested in a tumblr version? I'm not sure if it could work or how it could work but I could try!)

So north we go, to Pino sulla sponda del Lago Maggiore!

LOVE when you can see the water from the train platform.

I've been here once before and I kinda thought I'll never come back again because to get to the town from the train station you have to go up these:

(they continue for a while, this is just the first bit). I am a city dweller made of jello, going up stone stairs for any amount of time kills me every time and I hate it!

But the town is quite nice, and the view of the lake is ALMOST worth it.

Since I'm not dead after all, I decide to go to the next stop, Maccagno, which is luckily BY the lake and not OVER the lake.

I decided to go back via a different route, with a bus for Varese passing through the hills (there used to be a railway ;_; but as it happened to many smaller railways it was decommissioned in the 50s. In Ghirla there's still the old station building and they converted the platforms into bus stops).

It was a good idea because the route is very pretty. It was a bad idea because it picked up all the kids going home from school (WHY DO I ALWAYS FORGET THAT MIDDLE SCHOOL AND HIGH SCHOOL KIDS HAVE SCHOOL ON SATURDAYS).

Then I waited far too long at Varese train station, and I was cold and tired and sad, but then? The light got beautiful (:

[safyresky]

Dani: reblogs a thing about ask box shenanigans

Me: M Y T I M E H A S C O M E

It's a me. Lurking. About to hop on that art train when I spotted the post. You don't have to do all of them but here are a handful of fanfic titles that I wanna see what your vague ideas about them would be

Happy meal

The footloose sensation

Paranormal piracy

The golden ticket

Four eyes

The shortest day of the year

Anyway, I hope you're doing well my friend and if you aren't I hope it gets better for you! 🤗💕

(cracks knuckles, stretches neck) HERE WE GO

Happy Meal

In which Fino and Fiera's attempt to go buy themselves happy meals goes very, very awry!

They decide to go to a mall to get their micky dee's and get very horribly distracted, and also, they are on fire. This is a normal human mall, btw. The Magical Bureau of Investigation has their work cut OUT for them lmao

The Footloose Sensation

I have never seen Footloose, and after reading the plot page for it I'm like "oh my god I cannot believe this is a real movie based on a real town" so here's THREE IDEAS for you

Footloose the movie craze hits the North Pole. Shenanigans ensue

A hypothetical experiment goes wrong, and now everyone is dancing to the Footloose song and it's really getting in the way of the day's work tbh (or any song. Maybe it's like the SINGING episode of shows, but with DANCING. Jack's like MY TIME HAS COME and single-handedly navigates them all through the final dance number of footloose to break the dancing curse)

A Bad Santa bans dancing. Elfsburg Footloose parody/rip off ensues 😂😂😂

Paranormal Piracy

Well past her days of Piracy, Jacqueline finds herself in WAY over her head when a ship of ghost pirates kidnaps her, hoping the famous Bruexa de la Niege can help them navigate through and onto the perilous, once thought mythical, Endless Winter Island to find the supposed lost treasure that resides there that would surely set them up for the rest of their (after) lives.

Do they know they're dead? I am unsure at this time, but it is somehow FUNNIER if they DON'T. I know for certain though that Jacqueline very much thinks the entire time, holy snowballs, I hope this treasure is real so that when they find it they can move on to the Great Beyond and I can go back to bed.

The Golden Ticket

A teleporting mishap lands teeny-bopper Jacqueline in a secret room of the family home. A secret room that is a treasure trove of magical knowledge. For the briefest of moments, she has her brother back.

Four Eyes

Fino's magic school frenemy gets glasses. Everyone teases the poor orc until he snaps and accidentally makes a magical beast with four eyes that attacks EVERYONE. He and Fino team up to stop the magical beast, and put some bullies in their place!

The Shortest Day of the Year

Winter sleeps through her own birthday 🤦🏻‍♀️.

People keep trying to talk to her. Blaise has to fend off a LOT of people to make sure she gets her rest! winter wakes up, realizes she slept through the entire day, shrugs and goes "Well, I've had thousands of birthdays, and there's plenty more to come, I'm sure." Meanwhile, her hubby looks like he has fought a whole entire second and third war while she slept.

Thanks for sending one in! And for others who are like "tf is this ask box shenanigan?" send me a made up fic title and i'll tell you what i'd write :)

(thoughts and general musings under the cut)

SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG! Meant to post yesterday but got distracted by errands, and today we tackled the Fear Ladder I created to get over a new fear of driving on the highway thanks to the dealer comparing my car to a sick PUPPY that needs to be put down--and yes, they said puppy. IT'S BEEN. AN EXPERIENCE, THIS WEEK! DON'T GO TO DEALERSHIPS IF U CAN AVOID IT. FIND URSELF A GOOD MECHANIC THAT WON'T TUG AT UR HEARTSTRINGS WITH PUPPY METAPHORS.

But yes things are going okay and I think I've got the wedding invites almost ready to go which is a RELIEF ANYWAY, YOU DID NOT ASK FOR MY WEEKEND LIFE STORY AND YET. MY MOUTH IS A MOTORING. AS PROMISED, MUSINGS:

I got stuck on the golden ticket one and had to do a think and a half, lmao, but then it popped into my head yesterday before bed and I was like "oh god the angst. the hurt comfort. holy fuck."

I may actually write some of these up??? ANYWAY the musings I promised:

please someone ask me about Fino's orcish rival I am BEGGING i could go ON (I say that now but in the event someone asked I think I'd be like ... uhh. he exists??? but i love him even tho he is a hazy concept)

y'all don't even KNOW my brain has been PLAGUED with thoughts of Frost kiddos and their SOs, specifically the twins

i have no idea if there is a dance number in footloose, but given the titular song i have to believe there is, y'know? and I HAVE to believe Jack knows it and to defeat the dancing curse they gotta reproduce the number PERFECTLY. Jack's like "MY TIME HAS COME"

Fino and Fiera get HELLA DISTRACTED at the mall and it is chaotic as FUCK. Fino walks by an electronics store and is like "I am going to fiddle and click every button". Fiera keeps running into the little like, hallmark esque shops like "is it magic or not" and BOTH kids meet their doom with clothing, oh my god. they didn't even KNOW they liked nice clothes until the moment they lay eyes on the pretty dress shop! Shame ordibeing clothing isn't usually fireproof ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

anyway they 100% get banned, 3 fire trucks and several casualties later

AND to tug at ur heartstrings: I realized that once Jacqueline found Jack's secret library, she had like ALL of his magical knowledge at her disposal and could KEEP TRAINING PAST THE WINTER MASTERY WINTER KNEW?! So now when she says "I learnt from the best!" she truly does mean it bc even tho he wasn't there she STILL learnt from him

and u bet ur ass when they reunite and he picks up that she learnt from his shit Jack's like "cool! ur form is sloppy and that's not being done right" and helps her refine her skills, yo

i am SOFT for these siblings

anyway ty again for the ask andie! also, LOVE that u love the shenanigans tag lmao. i dont even remember how I came up with that one but my GOD shenanigans is such a fun word

[umichenginabroad]

Week 5: Fenrir Invades Britain

Sorry that it’s taken me so long to make this post. I've been busy and there’s a lot to get into so let's get straight into it.

I don’t know how or why but Fenrir stole my credit card. He not only stole it but he bought a 6 am flight to London of all places! I think he might be trying to connect with his Nordic roots and is invading Britain. Wanting to save my wallet and save the British people from his merciless wrath, I followed him and hopped on my own flight to London.

The Little monster taunting me, sending me pictures of him spending all my money.

The Flight:

Oh god the flight over to Britain was so bad. I was up at like 2 am because we had to walk 30 minutes to our bus to then take an hour bus transfer to the airport. It was not fun but better safe and at the airport early then sorry and missing our flight. Clearly Fenrir made his way onto the flight and I did too. That little cretin is causing mischief and is taking after his father (Loki). I don’t know why I thought I could help him out. I knew there was no opportunity for me to do anything about him being on the flight so to make sure that I’d have energy to catch him afterward I took a nap on the flight for the long day of chasing him around that I’d have ahead of me. 

The Arrival:

Once we arrived in Britain I lost sight of Fenrir and knew that cheeky little bugger would soon send me pictures taunting me so I’d just have to go track him down later. Instead we made the tedious process of taking a train into London proper and then taking the tube over to our airbnb. Honestly it wasn’t too hard to figure out how to use the tube and get around to our airbnb. The main thing that was a little bit confusing at first was honestly figuring out how to use our ticket at the turnstile to get out. But once we made it through the station and arrived at our airbnb we were met with our lodgings for the next few days and what would be our base of operations in operation Stop Fenrir Before He Commits Treason or Something Worse, or for short Operation SFBHCTOSW. 

Liverpool Street Station in all its glory. Really pretty station that’s all.

After our initial recovery from the tube and planes we realized that we hadn’t eaten anything and thus before going to search for Fenrir we would need some food. We hopped back on the tube and took a 40 minute tube into West London and the SOHO area. We got some fish and chips (more on those later)  and then split up to go and search for him .

Fenrir in Chinatown in London, SOHO. His reign of chaos has already started; he must be stopped.

He had sent his first pic (the one above) since the plane ride. We knew that he would be in the SOHO area and so it was really convenient that we went there anyway for food. He appeared to be in the chinatown area judging by the massive gate in the picture and so we headed that way. We did make a quick pit stop at Tesco express just to get some necessities but that was a quick stop. The bigger issue was where he sent his next picture from. It appeared that Fenrir was getting a little bit more courageous and he was having fun with this chase and teasing us.

Fenrir at the National Gallery enjoying some art. He thinks he’s cultured now does he

HE WENT TO THE NATIONAL GALLERY SERIOUSLY?! I didn’t know he liked art, maybe there’s more to him than at first glance. Maybe he’s gone to Britain for more than just an invasion. Anyways, we went to the National Gallery to try and find the little guy. But, it turns out the place is like a maze. There’s so many different paths and rooms just filled to the brim with medieval artwork and pieces of history. The only saving grace are the arrows pointing to certain artists and their exhibits and the arrow to the gift shop/exit because there’s always a gift shop. We were at the gallery until they closed and then decided to split up to try and find him. Some people went shopping in SOHO, some went walking around, and I just waited in the area until I got the next text. That was when I got the next text.

FENRIR DRINKING BOBA. Like cmooooon please just give me a sip it looks so good.

HE WENT TO GET BOBA ARE YOU SERIOUS?! My bank account is crying as he keeps spending more and more of my money. I went to chase after him but it’s like chasing after someone who is a) faster then you and b) is like 10 steps ahead of you. It’s impossible to catch up to him and it’s hopeless. I just have to wait for him to slip up and spend just a little bit too long in one place after sending a picture. 

Fenrir drinks some really fancy tea from a place called TWG tea. 

NOW HE’S GETTING TEA!! Like seriously?! He’s doing all the things that I wanted to do and enjoying himself while I’m stuck chasing after him. He’s such a little monster. I hope he knows that when I finally catch him he’s going to go into time out and get punished. Anyways, I went back the way that I just came to go to the tea store. It wasn’t too bad of a walk but by the time I got there he was gone so I just bought me some tea myself because I needed some too. 

Fenrir sitting on top of a lego british guard man. He truly is trying to take over, he’s getting the military on his side now!

HA I think he might have messed up! The lego store is right next to the tea shop. I get in line and get in fairly quickly. I started exploring all around the lego store and it’s really cool . They had a massive lego Big Ben which was one of the key showcases of the store. They had the common lego store things like a build your own minifigure station as well as a bunch of legos to buy. The other unique thing about this lego store was the lego shakespeare and lego harry potter. They had a lego voldemort and a bunch of cool harry potter stuff.  But anyways, after my gawking at all the cool lego things I still couldn’t find him. It was getting late at this point so I decided to head back for the night after getting some dinner. I don’t know where he went off to but we will find him!

The adapter monster that we had created. I can’t guarantee that this wasn’t a fire hazard but it didn’t explode while we were there so it was probably fine.

Day 2: The Search Continues 

With no sign of Fenrir in sight we decided to just head into central London to get some breakfast. Which is where we actually got our first message from Fenrir for the day. He was at a cafe and was getting breakfast on my dollar. Like come on man at least let me eat some of it. 

Fenrir eats his breakfast at this cafe. He has a bacon biscuit, tea and, a bottle of water 

After chasing Fenrir down to this cafe and getting some breakfast of our own he was nowhere to be found. I don’t know how but he keeps staying one step ahead of us no matter what we do. I don’t know how we can catch up with him in this massive city. I swear, back in Reykjavik I could probably walk the length of the city in an hour. Now in London it takes an hour just to tube from the airbnb to central London. It’s insane how much larger London is. Anyways, not wanting to waste an entire day just searching for Fenrir we decided to head out to Buckingham palace for a very good reason. 

Video depicting the changing of the guards of Buckingham palace.

We decided to head to Buckingham palace so that way we could try and warn the guards about the threat that has entered their country, Fenrir. But, with the fact that when we arrived it was the changing of the guards and that yesterday was election day and thus there was a lot of chaos with the change of prime minister we weren’t able to tell them. We were able to at least see the pretty horses and the beautiful gates and palace. 

Not really knowing where our next clue would take us we just decided to enjoy being in London for a bit. We headed over to the Borough Market to go and explore and oh boi was it amazing. I personally am a fan of markets like these and they only really are able to pop up in large cities. I don’t think Reykjavik has one like this though and honestly it was amazing. The market was basically a bit of the streets and was filled with a bunch of corridors to different stalls and shops which were selling literally everything you could imagine. If I was in London for longer I would definitely be spending a lot more time and money at the markets. 

A stall selling a bunch of fresh sea-food and fish at the market. 

Honestly I’m kind of sad that I’m not in London for longer but we have a task at hand. There was one thing that made me sad a little bit and that was just how much cheaper a lot of the things were here when compared to Iceland. I saw full loafs of amazing looking sourdough bread for only like $5 compared to the $10 I’m spending in Reykjavik for my bread. We got some food here for lunch and I bought some more tea for me to take home. There were a lot of things to explore and if I ever came to London I would definitely come back here again. 

After the market we felt a little bit lost and didn’t really know where to go and where to find Fenrir. I figured that one of the best places to go would be to go and pray. I wanted to go visit St.Paul’s Cathedral anyways and this was a pretty good reason to. It’s one of the biggest buildings in London and holds the graves of many great war heroes and musicians who served the cathedral. 

St.Paul’s Cathedral from the west entrance

After paying my student entrance fee I started walking around and learning all the history through the provided audio guide. Every hour a preacher comes in the middle of the cathedral and asks for a moment of silence for prayer and prays. This is in addition to the regularly scheduled masses and services. While exploring the cathedral that was where I found him. WE FINALLY CAUGHT UP TO HIM! He was just sitting there in the center of the cathedral. I think he was scared and lost, I think he finally realized that what he did was wrong and he was just trying to have fun. 

Me catching Fenrir at the center of the Cathedral, you naughty little boi.

As part of his punishment for running away, stealing my card, and dragging me around on a chase of him through London (and worrying me) I forced him to climb all the way up the 500+ stairs to the top of the Cathedral with me. It was honestly exhausting going up all those stairs and I think it was more of a punishment for me because he just got a free ride in my backpack. He is a little naughty boi but he’s cute so he gets a pass. Once we finally made it up all the stairs we took a picture together of the amazing view from the top of the tower. 

The picture from the top of the publicly accessible parts of the cathedral tower after my climb with Fenrir finally behaving himself in my backpack.

After our journey to the tippity top of the tower we then went to the basest basement of the cathedral which is the crypt. There are many great heroes here and it’s in part to commemorate the great people of British history. There are even monuments to people that aren’t buried here but are still important in British history such as Winston Churchill. 

Fenrir saluting some of the flags. These were flags representing the British allies during the Battle of Waterloo against Napoleon. Pictures are the British, Portuguese, and Russian

As we were leaving the cathedral we passed by the gift shop. There Fenrir found a new friend, one that might be dear to many of us at heart. Fenrir becomes quick friends with the Queen’s favorite bear Paddington. Seeing that they were great friends and that they were just too cute together (and the fact I was hungry) I decided to take them to Nando’s. We got some food (more later) but just look at the cuties being together.

Us 3 at Nando’s chilling getting ready to eat our dinner.

Now here’s where I get both a little more mad and not mad at Fenrir. He, still in possession of my credit card, decided to buy tickets to go and see the Book of Mormon. The Book of Mormon for those of you who don’t know is a highly satirical comedy musical from the creators of South Park. It’s really funny and I’ve wanted to see it for a while, that’s the only reason that I’m not ready to throw Fenrir in the streets. 

Look at him acting all innocent after spending all this money for tickets. Was worth it though so I can’t complain lol. 

We made our way to the theatre and paid for a play bill. Something that you don’t normally do in America and on Broadway shows. But, I like collecting play bills so I paid $11 for the play bill and programme. And oh my it was so worth it. I love musicals and plays and this has been one that I’ve wanted to see for years. I’m so happy I finally was able to see it. The set was fantastic and the way that utilized all aspects of the fully customized set was amazing. This is going to get a bit theatrical and nerdy but just stay with me.

I follow the rules and so there’s no picture of the show b/c that’s against the rules and I wanted to enjoy the show in its entirety.

The stage utilized a series of different backdrops for different scenes and such, that much is normal is theatre. The thing that really amazed me and was fantastic was the utilization of a front backdrop that was opaque and applied a tint (sort of like a screen) onto the stage. It was really useful and created a really nice way of showcasing the flashbacks and stories from The Book of Mormon itself. In addition the way that they utilize simple things like a door and an elevated platform for different things just depending on the scene is fantastic. I’ve been in plays where we have to move these things and do them and it’s always amazing seeing it done on a professional level. Shout out to my drama teachers in high school for getting me into all these things and giving me opportunities to nerd out about all these things and expand my knowledge. 

Fenrir getting a spot of ice cream during intermission

Now as in most long shows there is an intermission. After using the bathroom and making my way back to my seat I found out something that is a bit different about British theatre compared to American theatre. During intermission it’s common to get ice cream (which they sell) and to then go back to your seat and eat it there. I’ve never seen this in America, but it was quite nice. I just got vanilla ice cream b/c it was the only good looking flavor that was left and it did taste good 8/10. 

Getting back into the show we got through the 2nd half of all the chaos that happens within the Book of Mormon musical. It was honestly amazing and I loved it so much and it was so worth going to go see. I did end up having a really nice conversation with one of the employees who was a 2nd year uni student (same as me) who is studying theatre. It’s such a different world and just seeing that people are able to be in that life is amazing to me. Anyways, afterwards we just took the tube back to the apartment and settled in for the night.

The Final Day: Enjoying Britain to its Fullest

After drinking a cup of tea, going to the train, drinking another cup of tea, and getting on a bus I arrived at where I was going to be spending today. Greenwich. Do you know what makes Greenwich so special? Have you ever heard of time zones and the term GMT + or - some amount? Well that stands for Greenwich Mean Time and represents the average time in Greenwich where the prime meridian is located. The prime meridian is 0 degrees longitude (imaginary lines that run from pole to pole). I am a nerd and so was really excited to get to see all the cool things here. 

In Greenwich there is a massive park which has a line for walking the prime meridian, the Royal Observatory, the National Maritime Museum, and the Queen’s House amongst many other things. I had a few hours before my scheduled stuff later in the day and so I went to the Maritime Museum with not too much hope for what I would see. But boy was I not disappointed. 

Fenrir looking at a massive scale model of a destroyer class ship. It was honestly really big

The journey through the museum started with the first room which had a lot of artifacts from history and models of famous boats and ships. The model ships were just impressive to see more than anything else. They all had really precise details and were really interesting to look at. The artifacts on the wall were also interesting but for a different reason. They had artifacts from different times, all the way back to the 1400’s. These artifacts varied from everything to a saxtent and a compass all the way up to a Russian AK-47. 

Gotta represent my 2nd amendment and showcase these. What was kinda sad was the fact that the blunderbuss (a weapon from the 1700’s) was undergoing conservation efforts so it wasn't there.

After looking at all the cool artifacts I started exploring around the building to see what else I could find. They actually had a special limited time exhibit about a space photography contest, and this exhibit was showcasing a lot of the higher scoring entries and the winners. It was amazing seeing all these different pictures of space. They had many different categories for people to enter. Things such as, Nebulas, the sun, auroras, people and space, and then categories for amateurs. I honestly found all this stuff so cool. I’m not generally an art person (as I’ve stated before) but trust me when I say that this was so worth it. It honestly gets you to think about how small we are in comparison to the cosmos and how much more there is out there. It was really beautiful and some of these pictures were just amazing and like you can see why the ones that won were the ones that won (in most cases). If anything the pieces that were the winners or 2nd place had judge’s comments explaining why they were where they were. Also, every photo has a paragraph by the photographer where they explain how the photo was taken and why they made certain creative decision and it’s really cool to see the technical side of things from behind the scenes.

“The Dark Wolf - Fenrir” being looked at by the good boi Fenrir, look he’s so happy at seeing himself :D 

After that was onto the pacific front of British maritime history. If you know anything about the British and the Pacific there are two very specific things that happened here that we need to talk about, The East India Company (British Raj) and Opium. Quick history lesson for those of you who don’t know (the exhibit talked about this), in the late 1700’s Britain had control of the entirety of the Indian region and this was all under the control of the East Indies Trading Company. Britain then started trading tea and other goods with the Chinese and tea started becoming extremely popular in Britain and China is where it was grown. However, this trading put Britain in a lot of debt to the Chinese. Thus to pay off this debt, Britain started growing opium in India to then smuggle into China and sell to the Chinese to pay off the debt. The goal was to get the Chinese addicted to opium to pay off the Chinese and it worked. However, the Chinese caught on to this illegal trade and it ended up in two separate wars with Britain over the opium export into China. Britain won decisively and acquired Hong Kong as a trading port because of this. Now the museum had all of this information listed as well as artifacts throughout the time (such as an opium pipe) and that’s all cool. But, the reason that I went through all the effort of explaining the Opium Wars and the history behind them as well as a rough history of British policy is for one singular reason (of which I forgot to picture but it’s fine). In that room, the museum had a wall where you could leave little notes where you would comment on your opinion of the British East India Company and their actions. The entire wall was filled with comments talking about how wrong the company was and how horrible the actions of the British were. I just felt that it is important to note that people don’t like the actions of the British empire at the time, not even the British. 

Picture showcasing a part of the exhibit about the Opium Wars and how they acknowledged it’s unjust

Across the hall was the Atlantic side of the British Empire, of which we originate from. USA TIME!!! Honestly compared to the pacific front this side was a lot more disappointing. There was a small exhibit about the slave trade that was pretty standard, it looked like a picture from a textbook. I would say the coolest thing that I did see here was the bit of the exhibit where they talked about the crops and goods that were grown in North America and had facts about them and their purpose. That was just interesting in that it was the only thing that wasn’t just a picture of text on a wall. Also, I like sugar so I’m biased in that aspect. They did have a small little exhibit on the independance war (AMERICAN) but it was extremely small.

Sugar time. We gonna get sweet with this one

Now was on to the main show of the night which was meeting up with some family that I have in Britain. Since Fenrir was found and I had the time in London that I might as well get my worth out of it. We were going to be meeting at the Royal Observatory which is in Greenwich. This observatory is actually what marks the Prime Meridian so that’s really cool. We were going to be seeing two different planetarium shows. A planetarium show is where you sit in a big dome, lean back, and learn a little bit while staring up at the dome which is having stuff projected onto it. The two shows that we were seeing were about the night’s sky (ie stars and stuff) and the planets that were in our solar system. 

Picture of us 5 at the planetarium getting ready to watch the show. Fenrir is also there, he likes space now. (the last person is taking the picture)

The shows were really interesting. I did know most of the information within them, just because I like to know random things, but it was still cool to see. I also just got to spend time with family and so that was really nice. It was also raining outside and so it was nice to be inside and relax while relearning some cool stuff about space. Plus, when it comes to space stuff you can’t go wrong. After that we just walked around and explored for a bit. We went and got some food (again more on that later) and just kept exploring and walking around. Despite the rain and everything it was still just amazing. Usually they are the ones that come and visit us in Michigan, so it was really nice to be able to come and see them in the UK for once. I am really grateful that they made the trip all the way over to London to come and see me and it was really nice. Fenrir was able to see his cousins and he was really happy after it. Now that he made his new friend and is back safe with me he has tamed down a lot and he’s been behaving himself. 

Us just outside of the Royal Observatory on the courtyard above the park. Pictured from left to right are myself, Fenrir (he’s such a good boi), cousins, and their father.

Honestly it was just a good day so far and I was really happy with the way that things have been progressing. Turns out when you don’t have to run around a massive unfamiliar city looking for a mythical creature worried about what he’s going to do, London can be amazing. Getting to see family was just the cherry on top and it was honestly one of the highlights of my short time in London. I do wish I could have stayed longer to spend more time with them but we must move on, for there is studying to be done. 

Now… there is one more thing I did that day… that was the most unique experience for me personally. I went to a British pub. Fenrir and I met up with one of my long time online friends at a pub in London. For reference, I’ve known him since I was about 8 years old and we played on a minecraft server together. So I’ve known him for a while. Now this was something that we had wanted to do and had been talking about for a bit. But, this is my first time meeting any of the people in that group in person. He was the first person out of anyone of that group that I had actually physically met and it was an amazing time.

Picture of myself and my friend

Today (Saturday) was the day of the Euro 24 football match (Soccer in American terms) of England vs Switzerland. This was a quarter-final match so this was pretty important. Everywhere that I went I saw people setting stuff up to watch this match and it’s amazing how much people love the sport here. We originally were going to go to a certain pub but we had to switch pubs because the one we originally wanted to go to was packed from the game. For my first experience in a British pub it did not disappoint. I personally don’t really drink that much, I’ve had small amounts and the flavor doesn’t really interest me. But, my friend offered to buy me a drink and so I got a kiwi and lime cider. It honestly wasn’t that bad. It did take me an hour and a half to drink the pint of cider that I had which to say the least meant I didn’t really drink a lot. Still I got my pub experience of drinking a pint.

Fenrir takes after his nordic roots and starts to drink. He’ll be a true viking in no time.

Back onto the game. I personally don’t really do sports. I play a lot of video games and occasionally will keep up with ESports (things such as League of Legends) but even I was into this match. The reason being because it was such a hectic match. Now, I can’t give you a play-by-play of what happened because I don’t even know, but I can tell you the general gist of what happened and why this was so hectic. For the first three quarters of the match there wasn’t a SINGLE GOAL scored for either team. That meant the entire game pretty much came down to the last quarter. In which, Switzerland was the first team to score. Now the collective sign and boo’s that I heard there were amazing. The fact that everyone had the same collective reaction at the same time in unison was perfect. Now the demoralized pub goer’s stayed like that for about 5 minutes, if even that. When Britain then quickly scored a goal and caught up. Then I heard this: 

WARNING: headphone users please be careful

To say the least the pub went ecstatic and I myself got caught up in it too. The cheering, hollering, wooing, all the screaming, everything that was loud was happening. It was one of the most energetic things I have ever seen in my life. If you haven’t seen people in a pub when their home team scores a goal just imagine a jar filled with bouncy balls that you are shaking with the balls going every which way. That’s pretty much what was happening but 10 times louder and with people jumping up and down. It was an insane thing to witness and I’m honestly so happy that I got to witness it. It’s something that was only possible to witness due to the unique time that I went to the UK. 

Now if you think that was the peak of the game it got even more insane. There were no more goals scored for the rest of the time, and thus they went into a 30 minute overtime. Now I’m going to kind of speed ahead but AGAIN there were no goals scored during the 30 minute overtime. This is where things get even more insane. The game got into such a state that it went into penalty kicks to determine who would win the game. In the end… ENGLAND WON!!! By 2 penalty kicks… BUT THEY STILL WON!! Despite not being British it was still such a hype moment and I felt so proud. It was really fun to say the least. 

Picture of the pub we were in. It’s called “The Yacht”

After the game my friend and I had to part ways as he had work to attend to. But we said our farewells and I went back to the airbnb. I had a nightmare of packing ahead of me as I didn’t bring a carry-on so everything was going into my backpack. It was a nightmare to pack and it was even worse to carry but I did get everything in it.

Paddington explains to Fenrir something known as “night”. We haven’t seen this in over a month and yet it was common here and it got dark at a certain time. It was kind of nice not having the sun at all times, although this is but a foreign concept to us who have been in Iceland for over a month.

The Return:

This is going to be a bit more short, just in that I’ve kept you here for long enough. We took a train to the train station, took another train (a nicer one with cool chairs), to the airport. Then after waiting around in the airport we got on our plane and I slept for 2 hours. We had an 11 am flight and so it was not fun, but at least it wasn’t 6 am. Once arriving back in Iceland we then had 2 hours of buses and bus transfers ahead of us and so that wasn’t fun. But we eventually did make it back, where I immediately passed out on my bed. I did get up because I had to get groceries for the next day, but god my body was ready to just give out at that point. I had made it home to Reykjavik and I had plenty of stories to tell that much was for sure. 

Fenrir saying goodbye to Britain on the plane ride back

Honestly I was very skeptical about going to Britain. I am someone who thinks a lot about the money that you spend to do things and worries about my finances quite often. But, I was very happy that I went. It was an experience unlike anything I’ve had before and It was amazing. By the way if you have noticed I haven’t included the amount of money that I’ve spent yet for anything in any of the blog posts and that is for good reason, Iceland is expensive. I don’t want to look at the amount of money I’ve spent, and that is with me cooking to save money. There is one thing to look forward to though if you do care about money and stuff. I am planning to make a spreadsheet to detail the amount of money that I spent while abroad and on different things. All that to say, I normally regret decisions that involve a lot of money, or at least contemplate their worth, but this was not one of them. I loved going to London and experiencing Britain. 

Alex Shamoun

Robotics

Engineering in Reykjavik

[shhthesecretdiary]

Thought Dump (Aug 6, 2023, 12:32 AM)

Go ahead, put anything.

Sorna, yan kasi nakalagay before ako magtype.

Anyway,

This is attempt to produce something rather than spending a shit ton of time scrolling through different social media platforms.

Currently it is Sunday midnight, so day off. And, since I can barely get my shit together, I will write something about my life so far.

It always saddens me how I always fall short of my goals for myself. I can always start, but it is really so hard for me to be consistent and to see something 'til the end.

8th of July, I subscribed to a gym membership for 1 month. I did about 3 sessions and that was it. :( I had a lot of complains, which is true that I always feel pain on my calves, making it so hard to move them. Also, one of my pain points was that I have no effin idea what to do there, I had a personal training session during the first day, but that was too tough, I wished it was a taken a little bit slowly. Feel ko nabigla katawan ko. So I rested, and that lasted for weeks. Mageexpire na yung one month bayad, it's out of my budget to go for another month, so my goal is to lose weight first through waling and AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE, PLEASE, LESSEN FOOD INTAKE AND BE WARY ABOUT WHAT I EAT.

Okay next aspect, work. I had finished my probation period last 24th of July, got the salary increase notification on the 25th, I'd be lying if I said I am satisfied with the increase, but I had to take into account na 'di pa rin ako magaling, 'di ko nababalanse yung tasks ko, nahihiya pa rin ako magtanong, still have no idea with corporates, still struggle with conversations, takot pa rin sa f2f convos with client, and still not in close relations with all of them. Bano pa rin. But I just hope they consider that my pay isn't enough in the first place. Pero sabagay, credentials ko rin.

Another, life. Hay, ang inet jusko. So far neutral pa rin ako, walang travel twing weekend, wala ring masyadong mayayang friends. Pero all in all mainit rin kasi. It takes a lot of energy and money to go out. And I wanna sleep in. Hopefully I'd get to try a lot of things soon. Once the weather is fine and I have enough money. Travel galore na. I'd really like to enjoy my youth and have something to look forward to aside from sleeping. To try something new and to explore. PERO PERA!!! I am also not on track with my budget.

Next, education. Ilang buwan na ako dito sa UAE, ilang buwan na rin akong 'di nagrereview for CPALE. Sometimes I just want to move out of here and live somewhere near the office, with my own apartment. Then sing alone, exercise, make my own food, then lesser time for commute, more time for myself. But still, money, and for sure mama will not agree. I also lost my streak to Duolingo French and finding it hard to go back. Consistency issues. My Coursera certification was buried na, and for the taxes and laws here, idk anymore.

Health, I feel like this has been my shittiest physical appearance, the worst look I've ever been. 73kg with a lot of acne, no menstruation for two months, losing a lot of hair, and I'm already numb. Lack of sleep during weekdays, oversleeping on the weekends.

Creativity, I feel like I am losing touch on the things I loved to do before. Art, music. Singing, Dancing, Recording, Video Editing, trying to do photography. Will make a conscious effort to try and produce some art again.

Hay, for the wins: Got credited for a Lexis Nexis article with Daisy for UAE Corporate Tax, working on another one I absolutely have no idea about, getting a hang of my work so far, and got inspired by Bhavika to read books once again. I loved The Kite Runner so much! Currently reading The Magic Strings of Frankie Presto. Another work of Khaled Hosseini next, which would be A Thousand Splendid Suns.

I am pretty much neutral now. But at the back of my mind, a lot of my "falling short" moments haunt me. But maybe this attempt on being aware of this would be the start to acting towards it.

Checklist:

Create a budget tracker now, kahit through Zoho. Ipon for travel to Caucasus.

Increase steps 10,000-15,000.

Make conscious steps to edit life videos

Start reviewing for CPALE again.

Connect with people more.

Fix sleep sched, and conscious eating (but writing this @ 1am)

Oil hair and minoxidil (pls), skincare

Be organized

Try to do something new often

Embrace your feminine energy and take care of myself more.

Mindet and action.

Marami pa, and this is very vague tbh but ayon, I need to sleep na rin.

Good midnight.

[lauperak]

I doubt anyone will ever read this but I really need to put my thoughts into the world about something that I'm very passionate about, and that's horse welfare.

I'm a Norwegian equestrian living and studying in Scotland. I've lived here since 2019 and I've tried my best to find my place in the equestrian world here by joining uni's riding club. It has never worked out well because the ethics of horse's wellbeing is off the fucking shoes... and I've been to many different riding schools by now and it's.... it's sad. Last year though was pretty good as the instructor of the riding facility was very interested in academic art of riding and saw that the way I ride was doing wonders for especially one of their Clydesdales. He was 5 and almost unrideable as he knew how big and strong he was, and he was not a happy clam.

When I approach a horse I do so with respect for the horse's mentality, the horse and I are equals. We see the world a little different from each other but that does not mean that I am better than the horse (or any other animal for that sake).

I've now ridden and trained this Clydesdale for over a year. I had a bit of a break during spring and summer, but so was basically the horse. Anyway. When lessons started again this semester I was hyped! Only to find the facility had drastically changed in a negative manner...

First of all, Mr Clydesdale nearly tore his stall down when I called his name and he's always so happy to see me. The lesson was okay and I was so happy to be back on Mr Clydesdale. However, this negative vibe was almost overwhelming and the other girls and I spoke about it in the car. Something was off!

Three weeks ago I ended up barking at the instructor, who wasn't our instructor last year btw, because she kept telling me to kick Mr Clydesdale. I could tell that the horse was not having a good day today, as we all experience, and had it been up to me I would give him a day off that day. I felt guilty for riding him. Also, I ride with spurs as an extension of my leg because I can't reach azround this massive 1ton horse without them. Try moving a tractor without an engine and see how far you get. But I've been riding with spurs for many years and I NEVER EVER use spurs in order to punish or kick the horse. Spurs are NOT for intimidation they're a tool to help me instruct the horse to carry itself properly. That's what dressage is for.

To strengthen their body, to have them gain confidence in themselves and to make sure the horse feels comfortable in their own skin.

Anyway, I always go off on rants about this.

Miss instructor didn't like that Mr Clydesdale was having an off day, and her idea of "waking him up" was to tell me to kick him hard in the sides. Tbh I first thought she was joking!? No! I told her I'm wearing spurs, which rule nr 1 when using spurs is to never use force! I thought perhaps she didn't see that I was wearing them. But then she replied with "that's okay just give him a good kick he needs it!"

I repeated that I'm riding with spurs.

She immediately lost her patience and yelled across the arena that "So what!? I kick him with spurs all the time! If you don't do as I say then he'll just buck you off!"

....

All respect I had for this woman disappeared. She just admitted that she abuses horses, and she was asking me to join her abuse!

I calmly told her that "No, I would never kick a horse with spurs and neither should you."

She told me to not act smart to her and proceeded to ignore me. I spent my time that lesson to walk and trot with Mr Clydesdale and his mood improved. Until the instructor told us to canter and that I had to do so as well. Now, Mr Clydesdale is a massive horse, and he is very unbalanced, and the arena isn't that big. But fine, we'll try to canter a bit but only if the horse wanted to. I asked for canter and he cantered like the King he is!

I was so proud of him, brought him down to trot and walk and then gave him lots of praise and cuddles.

The instructor then went off her head

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING CONTINUE CANTERING! GET OUT THERE AND CANTER!"

I swear even Mr Clydesdale was tired of this bitch my now and I do not appreciate being scolded when I haven't done anything wrong.

So I barked back at her saying "Forcing horses to push themselves beyond what they're balanced and capable of is irresponsible! This horse is tired and we're done!" I then walked him off by hand and took him back to his stall. I didn't pay for that lesson. Why should I? All I learned was that the instructor is medieval.

Fast forward until today....

I was back on riding Mr Clydesdale after riding another horse for a change. But we were both happy to be back together.

However, since this morning I had this awful feeling that something wasn't right. And when I led the horse out of the stall I saw that he was missing a shoe. He's barefoot on his hind legs and was now barefoot on 3 legs. The last shoe was hanging on for dear life.

Taking care of a horse's hooves is so fucking important and especially on a breed such as a 1t Clydesdale! He's carrying immense weight on what is made of the same material as any other horse. He's been bred by humans to be this big and heavy, but his hooves are the same as any other. Which is why they're often struggling with their hooves. Horse hoofs aren't really supposed to carry all of that weight. So we put shoes on them to help them. Now he was walking around with only one. The shoeless front hoof was clearly sore, but the arena we were riding in is super soft so I thought Oh well as long as we're not doing too much stuff it should be fine. And it would be, until the instructor told me to beat him and kick him. This was a different instructor than the one who told me to do this the last time tbh. Different instructor but the same abusive method to force Mr Clydesdale to canter when he couldn't. I ended up crying because when I told her I feel cruel for forcing him to canter when he's uncomfortable she told me that she's seen little girls ride him better than me. Well no. You haven't. You've seen little girls being brainwashed into beating and kicking an animal until he stops resisting. Bitch if I was as cruel as you I could have this Clydesdale jump a 1m clear round if I wanted to. But that's not how I train horses!

I ended up walking and trotting on my own for the rest of the lesson. Just doing my own thing and making sure Mr Clydesdale was okay. After the lesson I broke down crying again and tried to talk to the instructor about how I've been told to kick and beat horses at this facility twice now, and I feel super cruel about it. I was pleading at deaf ears. She got really defensive about beating the horses saying that that's how they train horses in the UK, that's how everyone does it and how it's always been.

And you know what? I get it. When I was a little girl at a riding school in Norway I also learned the horrible habit of 'being the boss' and to kick the horse until it did as I told it to. Then I grew up and realised how wrongly I had been taught to ride.

I was 11 when I started to discover more ethical ways of training and bonding with horses. And I have never looked back. I've worked and trained horses in almost all categories there is, ridden and trained all types of horses including a zebra and a Przewalski. I ended up taking horses in training and rehabilitation. Rehabilitation for things that humans had put them through. Mental trauma caused by humans.

Academic art of riding has been my biggest turning point and where I definitely think equestrianism should be heading.

It's dressage for the horse and not the horse for dressage. It's riding for the horse's benefits and not my own. If I'm asking the horse something that he can't do with me on the ground then I might as well ride a bicycle instead.

And this has worked wonders on every horse that I've ridden ever since discovering this kind of training.

It's training that takes serious consideration of the horse's anatomy and mental health. Based on equal terms between horse and human. And I will never go back to whatever I've seen UK horse riding is at these several facilities. I am so disappointed and sad.

And I ended up quitting the riding club today. I am not, under any circumstances, ever abusing animals. Horse's welfare is more than just feeding them and keeping their stall clean. It's our responsibility to ensure that they're happy in every way or their quality of life isn't ethical. We as humans have the ability to think about the consequences of our actions and to improve our abilities to treat other creatures with respect.

I am very disappointed about what I've seen during my stay at UK riding facilities and I'm not likely going to ride here anymore.

Other foreigners from the club have also quit saying they're not happy with what they're being instructed to do. These ladies are German, Norwegian and Portuguese.

And instead of calling us "too emotional" to be around horses, instead self reflect some?

I feel so bad for Mr Clydesdale and I hope I get to meet him again. He deserves so much better and I wish I could take him home to Norway with me.

[suffering-and-happy-about-it]

The Onsen (Ghost of Tsushima One-Shot) 🌬️

Reimagined and revisioned: September 2023 👺

One-shot description: Jin Sakai is known as a proud Samurai living on a small island near the great Japanese empire - Tsushima. And when he gets washed on a beach near your home, it obviously caught a lot of attention.

A/N: For starters, I know that ghost of Tsushima has a few missteps here and there, especially when we’re looking at the historical part (Jin couldn’t be using katana bcs it didn't exist at this period, Mongols would never agree to an individual duel because they didn’t know what does it mean, Mongols didn't wear much armor (NAKED BOIS) etc, insert more whining here), but hey. I never tended to learn more about the Japanese culture and this game certainly sparked some interest inside of me.  Also, I am no Japanese culture expert. This one-shot was written though a course of seven days and I tried to Google the fucking maximum about both the culture (at this given time period) and Japanese relationship towards sex, as well as all the activities related to this topic, but it won't be 100% accurate nonetheless. Yet I can say proudly that I've tried to treat the concept with respect and love.

Word count: 14.5K

Pairing: Jin Sakai x female reader (He HAS a strong chaotic-bi energy, but he's talking about girls in the hot springs, so... 👀)

Warnings: Fluffy smut 🥵❤️

Tsushima, the Izahura region, the Akamo prefecture, 1274:

The last few weeks... How would you even start talking about the last few weeks? It all started on Komoda Beach, on one memorable summer night - the night that gave birth to a legend. It also was the same summer night during which most of Tsushima's regions lost all their hope and fell in flames. On that night, the forces of fierce Mongolian invaders and samurai defending their homes have clashed... The Mongols came out of the battle victorious. You hadn't been on the beach to witness the battle with your own eyes, but the flames and smoke that shrouded the Izahura region told everyone more than they needed to know. The samurai have been slain, their blood soaked into the wet sand and hope slowly faded.

That was until... Until the legend started to spread. It was spread by the monks, peasants, and traveling merchants. All it took was the story of a vengeful samurai spirit that was protecting and avenging the regular folk for the first sparks of resistance to be forged. People were now trying to fight back, they learned their own methods of dealing with the Mongols as well as traitors and bandits who were trying to benefit from the chaos. Well, that was how you came into play.

It turned out that Mongolian invaders were more than mesmerized by geishas and concubines. The men were inclined to lower their guards and talk about important information in front of the dancing women, letting them gather intel as well as inform other cells of the resistance. To keep safe, the geishas of Izahura started to gather in mansions where they lived together in harmony. The times were desperate and independent women needed to support independent women. You were nowhere near being a geisha. You hadn't entered Okiya as a teenager nor received any proper training in the arts of communication and culture.

All you were was a regular peasant coming from a nearby village, just around half a kilometer away from the farm glorified to a geisha residence. You managed to run when the attack came, saving your life as you watched your home turn into ash. For some time, you wandered around the Akamo prefecture, getting by thanks to foraging and your knowledge of the herbs. Back in your village, you've been the healer's apprentice, learning the art of Kampo. And one day, starved, dehydrated, and almost delusional, you stumbled right into the farm's fields. The geishas took notice of you as they ran towards you, but they didn't catch you in time. All they could do was drag you into the residence, nursing you back to health. The women took a liking to you and since all of them agreed that they could use help around the household. While the geishas tried to gather as much information as possible, you were the person actually running the house - doing dishes, buying food from merchants, doing the laundry, cleaning up... Sometimes, you posed as company to geishas themselves, serving as a shoulder to cry on or pretending to be a client for the apprentices. If there was no one on hand, you even had to serve food and saké to geishas and their clients, always leaving the room as soon as you could. There was always so much to do to occupy your mind.

The women weren't mean enough to let you work all alone, but it felt nice to have a spare pair of hands who could cover everything they couldn't. When you found yourself with nothing to do, you oftentimes left the households to pay respect to kami or to take care of nearby shrines as you felt that it could also boost the spirits all around. It was a simple life and a very shaky piece of stability in the heart of the Akuma prefecture, but it almost appeared as if the war had never touched this small piece of heaven.

It was one evening when you heard some fuss coming all the way from the beach. The two minarai (author's note: minarai is a stage in geisha's apprenticeship in which the geisha-to-be finds a mentor whom she watches and learns the craft by literally accompanying them and watching them) living inside the household had taken a stroll down the beach while you sat in the garden, doing the laundry in a lazy, relaxed pace. You've felt lazy that day, not really looking to overwork yourself - which couldn't get further from what was about to happen. The two girls were leading a strong, noble horse behind them. The animal was majestic, taken care of as well as equipped with intricate war equipment. You've seen the equipment once or twice in your lifetime; it was during the evening when the noble samurai of the Adachi clan came to patrol over your village, making sure everything was in order. That meant that the limp male body lying on the horseback was a... A samurai.

The man became hot news in the household instantly - all the samurai were supposed to be dead, weren't they? They all died that night on Komoda beach, didn't they? Who was this? An impostor, trying to give hope to people? Was this someone pretending to be a samurai to either scare off the invaders or scam people? The women put the man in your care, adding yet another chore to your calendar. It was logical that he was assigned to your care; you’ve been the only one who had medical training. The man… He looked bad. His armor was torn to shreds, and his mask cracked right in the middle. His skin was pale due to the blood loss, and the wounds on his hips were wide and deep. It took you enormous amounts of herb tinctures, cloths, and other corrective measures just to stop the bleeding. As the sun started coming out, you were sitting next to the man with your arms covered in his blood all the way up to your elbows, multiple buckets of bloody and muddy water were situated around both your bodies. Good news? You’ve managed to stop the bleeding. Bad news? The samurai was covered in ice-cold sweat, his muscles were spasming uncontrollably as his fever started to rise.

When you finally caught a breath, you climbed down into the living room, briefing all the curious women and lady Kohaku on the man’s physical state. Since there was very little time to loose, you’ve taken his horse and rode to almost every nearby villages, trading a serious amount of your supplies for various herbs and tinctures you weren’t skilled enough to make. However, as you climbed back into the attic without the rush of yesterday’s urgency, there was this sneaking sense of shyness creeping at the back of your head. This time, before even looking in his general direction, you prayed to Inizagi to let the man survive the hardships he was enduring.

Usually, as you finished praying, you picked up enough courage to undo his shitagi and tug his hakama a bit lower. Your fingertips moved on his skin lightly, as tips of brushes; the movements needed to be swift and precise so you wouldn’t tear his wounds open on accident. Taking care of the mysterious samurai usually meant that you took cloth soaked with pus off, disinfected all the wounds, put healing tinctures all over his chest, and then covered all the wounds with freshly washed cloths, which you also put through alcohol cleansing and hot steam disinfection.

The longer you've spent tending to his wounds, the more one quality about this man became obvious. It was the fact that… The mysterious man was a fighter. He wasn’t going down anytime soon. There were remnants of many scars everywhere around his chest and arms, most of them weren’t even properly taken care of; forever remaining bulky and pink. Yet no matter how many scars there were, how deep they reached, or how ugly they looked, the samurai seemingly dealt with all of them... And kept on pushing forward. Whoever he was, he had to have an enormous amount of will to live; on top of numerous scars, he was also recovering pretty quickly. On the third day of his recovery and the third evening of his coma, there were sturdy and solid scabs instead of opened layers of skin and sometimes even muscle tissues.

That night, you’ve also taken matters a step further. First in order, there was changing the pieces of cloth, of course. After finishing tenting to the wounds and clothing the man, you've also made sure that his hair is neatly tugged behind an elegant black hachimaki. It was right there and then when you finally took a moment to look at his face, shoving a bucket of warm water next to you, preparing a washcloth to finally clean him from all of the mud and sand. Slowly and carefully, you've moved the last strands of hair off his forehead. This was the first time you've noticed your fingers shaking subtly. It was hard to breathe calmly, actually; your cheeks started to warm up and your blood started to boil slowly, moment by moment. It had been so long since you'd spent some time alone... With a man. Well, you've never technically spent intimate time with a man; you've only spent a few hasty moments with young, loutish boys, stealing kisses in corners the adults couldn't see.

Never in your life have you touched a man in an empty room, especially having the freedom to let your palms roam free. Sure, the man might've been unconscious, but there wouldn't be anyone to snitch on you. And the man laying on the futon in front of you was... Handsome. With the utmost care, you've cleaned every crevice of his face. You've dragged the washcloth over the curve of his nose, over the closed lids of his eyes, soft scoops of his upper and lower lip... Finishing up with his round chin and the stubble. To calm down, you've started moving all of the buckets downstairs as well as dragging his swords, armor, and mask along so you could clean his gear.

The farmhouse was practically empty at this hour of the day; most of the geishas were either with their clients (both in various rooms inside the house as well as traveling to their client's designed locations) or asleep, there was a bunch of girls sitting under sakura trees in the garden, plucking their music instruments and the only person present, really, was lady Kohaku. The woman was smoking in the corner of the room, going through the accountancy to see all of the expenses and earnings while preparing new pieces of information for the rebellious forces. Letting a deep breath out, you've sat down next to a water pump, laying out the armor in front of you. As you cleaned the armor itself, it wasn't anything special. There was nothing to take note of - no crests to be found, any special materials used to craft... It wasn't much more than regular samurai armor. Almost every samurai riding to Komoda Beach on that faithful night was wearing a similar armor set. The realization hit you as you picked up his katana and tanto to start polishing it. The moment you've seen the crest, the moment you've let it fall onto the ground. Lady Kohaku took immediate notice of the ruckus.

A furrow had appeared on her face as she approached you, taking one last drag out of her kiseru (author's note: kiseru is basically a Japanese tobacco pipe; it was invented in the 16th century, way after the story takes place, but when I think about an older woman who is the head of a brothel, concubine or geisha house, I just think that smoking goes hand in hand with their overall image) before she pulled her silky robe rightly to her body and walked over to the veranda. - "What's the matter, young one? Did you cut your finger?" "No, ma'am." - You admitted, quickly picking up the samurai's gear off the ground. It could be perceived as an act of disrespect if the Lady wouldn't know you for as long as she did. The older woman actually really enjoyed having you around, she admired your personality and all the help you've brought to the house. Because of that, Kohaku knew you'd been caught off guard. - "I'm sorry for interrupting you, ma'am." "Don't apologize, child. Have you noticed something worrisome on the gear?" - The woman dismissed. The quick glance over your shoulder had told her more than she needed to know. You've realized something.

"The man we're hiding in the attic might be very, very dangerous, ma'am. If the Mongols find him..." "Do you know who he is?" "I'm assuming I do, ma'am." - As you started to explain in a somber, quiet tone, your eyes admired the katana. - "The village I was born in was under the watch of clan Adachi. And they've been the most wonderful masters. It's also commonly known that the Adachi clan had strong connections to other clans around Tsushima. And one of the clans was the Sakai clan." - As you finished, your thumb moved out of the way, showing Kohaku the Sakai crest decorating the fuchi.

Lady Kohaku was speechless for a moment. This woman was practically a genius who knew about all of the stories going around Tsushima, all of the gossip and rumors were a sea she was well-oriented in. Naturally, the woman realized what you've been telling her. The man laying in the attic was no ordinary samurai, no. He was one of a kind, the last successor to the clan of Sakai. And as the story went, this man was no ordinary samurai - he turned into the vengeful spirit of Tsushima's people, the single vedge restraining the Mongols from a full-on, devastating invasion further into the Izahura region. The man turned into the Ghost, into all of the fury and hatred of the people as well as vengeance and retaliation which the peasants wanted. This was no ordinary damn samurai.

"I see." - Kohaku answered simply, picking her kiseru up to have a long drag. Then, she fell silent for quite some time; she let out a long huff, letting heavy smoke slowly come out of her mouth and nose. The smoke was so heavy, in fact, that it covered her face for quite some time. - "The best thing to do is to keep it yourself, young one. Don't alert the girls, don't tell them who Lord Sakai is. We shall pretend he had never graced our house with his presence. Giggling about having a samurai in the attic is more than enough, we don't want them to go entirely crazy over the man." "Understood, ma'am. I'll get back to cleaning his equipment now, sorry for bothering you." "You aren't bothering me." - The woman chuckled, pouring you a tea before she carried it to you. - "Have this and take it slow. It'll help, trust me." - As you promised, so you did; before calling it a day, you managed to clean all of his gear and carry it back to the attic before other girls could take notice.

As the fifth day of Sakai laying in a coma rolled around, you took his horse for another ride. The horse was sweet, very calm, and very responsive. Even though it was a war horse that was trained to survive even the most stressful of situations, it seemingly enjoyed dragging the cart around as you set on your regular route - buying rice, trading fish, pastries, spices, and saké. It was a long route since you traveled all over the Akamo prefecture. Usually, the locals also invite you for a bowl of rice and some tea to have a chat, to tell you what's new. People liked you ever since you started trading with them a few weeks back, you simply had that kind of oomph about you. Naturally, as per usual, you've arrived back rather late in the day. As you gave all the records to Kohaku, you prepared warm water and disinfected pieces of cloth in preparation to clean Sakai's wounds. Yet as you climbed up, your body already buzzing with excitement to let your gaze wander around his face and dragging tips of your fingers across his chest, to your horror you realized that the attic is... Empty. The armor was gone, and his katana too.

With blood disappearing out of your face, you carefully climbed back down and walked right to Lady Kohaku. Your palms were trembling, and you began sweating profoundly. The house wasn't raided, clearly, but having a man of such importance simply vanish was... Something. Especially given his state. Had he subdued to his wounds? Had he passed aways while you were gone, making sure all of the errands are taken care of? This possibility scared you even more. "He's... Gone." - This was everything you were able to say out loud to Kohaku at that moment. Her dark brown eyes raised to you as she put her shodo down, chuckling. - "Had he... Did I do something wrong? I've used all my knowledge and cared for his health according to my best skill. I am..." "Follow me, young one. Take a breath and come." - The old matriarch laughed under her breath, waiting for you to get your shit together. As you stop an incoming panic attack, you've followed the woman outside.

It was a beautiful, warm late spring evening; everything you planted in the gardens and on the soil was blossoming, giving the gardens a breath of fresh air. When geishas wanted to let out some steam and just generally come to other thoughts, they didn't shy away from picking up the farm tools and dug around in the soil for hours on end, planting various seeds and flowers. For you, the gardens were a sanctum. When you felt tired or just overall weren't in a good mood, you mostly found yourself sitting in the gardens for hours as you watched life move around you - dancing classes, as well as musical and cultural lectures, took place outside, so you always had something to watch. Sometimes, the geishas invited you to join the classes too just so you wouldn't be left alone in a corner. It was usually Yui who persistently asked you to join them in training the arts.

It took you off guard when you heard a few notes of music coming from the far end of the garden; you've been used to listening to shamisen all the time... You never heard a flute being played in the gardens. As was to be expected, the girls gathered at a good viewing point, watching the mysterious samurai play as they chattered and whispered excitedly. Although you usually didn't share their excitement for men and activities connected to them, you also couldn't but stare at the man for a second. For a moment, a vacuum filled your head as you saw him awake for the very first time. His skin had a peachy, healthy tone and the bags under his eyes became less prominent; this was mainly due to Kohaku's hospitality. As soon as she noticed Jin climbing down rather clumsily, she invited him for tea and lunch which the girls just finished cooking. He was also even more attractive than before; his posture was good, he carried himself with grace and nobility, and his warm expression added a bit of something that wasn't present in his face when he was in limbo. Lord Sakai was... Really handsome. And you've touched him, unsupervised, for hours on end. Wow.

"There he is, alive and well, nursed back to good spirits and health." - Lady Kohaku explained, smiling at you and bowing slightly, paying the samurai respect. The man finished his song in return, putting the flute down before fixing his hachimaki - when he was done and looked up to Kohaku, he realized she was not alone; in the same instant, he was respectfully bowing down, his forehead touching the ground as he paid you an enormous amount of respect. It didn't slip you that after he bowed, he hissed under his breath; the movement was too sudden for his wounds. Also, this much respect wasn't anything you had imagined in your wildest dreams - all you expected was a thank you, a smile, and a slight bow in the very best scenario. And rightfully so - Sakai was a nobleman, you weren't much more than a simple peasant. Rather awkwardly, you bowed yourself. - "We better honor the kami for letting Y/N do the best she could." "Thank you for adhering to my wish, Lady Kohaku." - The man said quietly enough to keep the topic of discussion a secret from all the ears and eyes glued to you. With that, Sakai picked himself up (even the slightest movements seemingly caused him a lot of pain) and smiled at you. It was a warm and sincere smile... That made you even more confused. Why was he acting so nice? "That's the simplest request I could fulfill, my lord. I'll let you discuss the matters you wish to talk about with Y/N. After you're done, come find me. We need to have a talk." - The last piece of information was for you, so you nodded in Kohaku's direction, still caught off guard by Jin Sakai in his entirety. With that, Kohaku turned on her heels and left the two of you alone, walking back into the house. Jin, painfully aware of his small fan club, prompted you to take a walk in the opposite direction - this wooden road led to a nearby onsen which the geishas claimed after they bought the farm. It was great for the clientele.

"Never in my wildest dreams would I expect to wake up in a place like this." - That was the first thing he said after you've been far enough from the other geishas. The tone of his voice gave away some sort of tenderness and curiosity. This complimented you greatly. - "Needless to say, it saved my life. Kami were watching over me on that day and I couldn't be more grateful. Without your care, I'd most likely die in the wilderness, washed up on the shore. "It was my duty, Lord Sakai. Your uncle is the lord of Tsushima... Not giving you a helping hand would bring us back luck for many years to come as well as it would attract oni. It would bring misfortune and shame to a house which already doesn't have the best name." - At that, you chuckled to let Sakai know you were joking to some degree or another. The way he raised the corner of his lips made you sure that the joke landed, amusing Sakai.

"Can I confide in you?" - Sakai followed up right after, making your blood pressure rise even higher. Being alone with a man of his social status was scandalous enough already, but letting him confide in you and listen to his secrets was directly inappropriate. And yet, even though realizing all of that, you nodded and waited for what he had on his mind. - "Of course, my lord. What's ailing you?" "It's just that... I haven't felt this calm in a long time. Now that it's war and I have to defend my home, I need to be ready to draw my katana any second. It feels like on each step of my journey, I sought justice and only found bloodshed. It's wonderful to see a place that wasn't touched by war. It feels like sanctuary, place where people still live in peace with the land and kami. It's charming." - The man confided, grinning.

The confession made you grin too. Such kind words coming from a lord felt... Refreshing. At the end of the day, your reputation didn't matter to Lord Sakai at all. It didn't matter what names the folk called you or what insensitive insults they thrown your way... Sakai felt safe and calm. Explaining the importance this message would be an impossible task, it just made you proud. For a moment, you walked in silence, just listening to the lively buzz. Letting your heart rate slow down a bit, you waited before you opened another topic. Sakai stopped in his tracks, leaning his shoulder into a tree trunk as he watched lady Yuriko and her apprentice Akali learning how to dance. Yuriko was a very strict teacher, never shying away from using a reed if necessary. Now, she watched her apprentice like a hawk, tapping her reed in an unexistent melodious rhythm - anytime Akali made a mistake, Yuriko's tessen slapped either her feet or her hands instantaneously.

You've almost stayed silent, leaving Sakai to his little oasis in the middle of the garden. It was a nice sight, after all. The silent beauty almost made you jealous. In the last second, you've managed to gather enough courage to start another chit chat. "How are your wounds, my lord? Are you feeling better?"

He hadn't answer at first, he just glanced at you and let his eyes slip across your face. Sakai surely wasn't stupid in any regard, he knew he wasn't talking to a geisha. Your art of communication wasn't sufficient neither meaningful enough, it resembled a stomping bear if anything. In fact, you were positive that every word you've chosen could get you into trouble - in fact, the Lord would ponder if you were rude just few months back. Your overall energy wasn't matching teirs in any way, but in a good way. It was enjoyable. There was something so delicate about you, something so innocent and gentle that Jin Sakai feared he'd break it if he touched it. It was exactly that little something was thrilling Sakai beyond the boundaries of every good manner in existence.

He'd asked about his savior from the first moment he woke up. Lady Kohaku took a few hours to give into his insistence, but then shetold him everything there was about you. The story about a normal, everyday woman charmed him. Truth was, he was expecting just an everyday girl he'd just thank and move on with his adventures. There wasn't anything he'd describe as everyday about you - in fact, he had trouble taking his eyes off you. The more he realized you two were brought up in two entirely different worlds, the more he was reeled under your spell. This dilemma was as exciting as it was confusing.

Samurai were brought up with honor and a very strict moral code that wasn't to be bent in any way. Let's say that being seduced by a peasant, someone leagues below his social status, was something to be frowned upon. Especially when said peasant wasn't doing it actively. Everything about this situation was, in fact, forbidden.

"I'm feeling well, lady Y/N." - Sakai said after staring at you for longer than socially acceptable. Much to his dismay, you were staring into the distance, taking in the beautiful sunset in distance. - "The wounds are deep and they'll take weeks before healing properly. It'll take months before I'll be able to do everything I'm used to, but your care saved me a lot of time. Tell me, how comes a common peasant knows so much about medicine?" - Your eyes snapped back to Sakai, making his heart skip a beat. Imperceptible blush spreaded on his cheeks, the knowledge of your attention spreading hot blood through his stream. The spark in his eyes intensified ever so slightly.

"That's simple, my Lord. Back at my home, I was an appretince to a wise healer who tried passing her legacy onto me. The woman taught me how to ready and how to write, so I sould archive various medical records and read how to mix and make tinctures and medicine otherwise too intricate to memorize. In exchange for her time and patience, I helped running her household and took care of everyday things for her, I cooked for her, did her dishes, washed her clothes... The healer even let me assist her when bandits or ronins assaulted our homes. It could be a perfect little life if it didn't anger my parents so much." "Why wouldn't your parents be proud of their daughter becoming a healer? Such life path is always admirable, healers are needed and well-respected." "Not for them, no. They've always dreamt of marrying me and sister off to a good family, a family where they'd have a lot of food, good husbands... Envisioned me with children. Being a healer might be rewarding, but it's also lonely. Their envisioment of my life wouldn't excite me, neither would it fulfill me."

"Going against your parents wishes..." "There aren't any wishes anymore, my Lord, not after what the Mongols did to them. I'm a woman without a family and past, without dowry and therefore, without any future. Lady Kohaku knows I'm unmarriable, but accepted my services anyway, so I'm very grateful." - Bowing elegantly, you forced a smile on your face. Your desire was to be a healer, that much was true; but becoming one wouldn't mean you'd be forever alone. You wanted a family and children. But it would be a gruel task to achiever such dream without any dowry or estate. Seeing the muscles in your face twitch unhappily, Sakai decided not to follow up on the topic - he was curious, of course, but bringing you grief and pain would be insensitive.

"Where's my horse?" - Sakai asked instead. Watching the corners of your mouth turn upward calmed him, realising he hadn't lost you just yet. "I've personally taken care of it, lord Sakai. It's a strong, stubborn one... Took me a few days before I calmed it down enough to approach it. Such horses, however, also need regular rides to stretch their legs." "Let me guess, you've helped Sora stretched her legs?" - Slowly, Sakai started walking toward the residence. Your time together was coming short - a fact you were painfully aware of. You'd anything just to prolong it a bit more, now that you've caught a glimpse of the thoughtful, playful man under the stone mask of a samurai. You were saddened by his incoming departure. This departure surely meant you won't speak to lord Sakai again. Things like these happened once in a lifetime. At least you were lucky enough to live through it. "Yes. Stretched her legs well, she helped me taking care of everyday needs, helped me bring rice and food." "She's calm, she's an amazing horse. I'm glad she could be of use."

With that, you finally reached the back shoji leading into the kitchen. Sakai swung onto the terace, still facing you, his lips sealed in one thing, straight line. If you'd have to describe Jin Sakai, you'd have to threat carefully. A wrong word would reveal all the excitement you felt in your guts - it would reveal how close was this man to bringing you onto your knees. You'd start by disclosing he's very handsome and charming, something you wouldn't see yourself admitting about a samurai. Truth be told, you didn't have a lot of experience with men, as you've said. Kohaku always said that good manners were a way into a girl's heart and also, when she got too drunk, she'd admit it was a good way between her legs... Well, lady Kohaku was right. This was the first intimate conversation with a man since you've been a little kid. The first conversation that had your face flushed.

"I'll leave you to your reconvalescence now, lord Sakai. It was my pleasure." - As good manners dictated, you bowed properly and deeply. To your surprise, Sakai repeated your actions, bowing even deeper than you did. Such respect... How did you earn it? "I shall thank you for your time and attention then, lady Y/N. May the Kami forever favor you. I am in your debt." - Sakai answered. "Don't... I... I am not a lady, my lord. Just a simple girl who doesn't deserve your gratitude." - Saying that, you straightened up and turned on your heels, leaving him there to pursue your duties.

That day's chores weren't dreadful neither were they long. The excitement of walking around Lord Sakai, even if it was walking on eggshells, made everything more enjoyable. Even doing the dishes wasn't as dreadful as it usually was, in fact, it was done better and faster than it would be otherwise. When you were done with everything, you finally gathered yourself for the talk with lady Kohaku. She was calm as usual, casually informing you about your duties for the following week. Having a schedule always calmed you down.

Soon after, you were finished with your duties, joining the other girls in the gathering room. Just as expected, Lord Sakai was the guest of honor for the evening, sitting right in the middle. The Geishas were amusing him with music, dance and various anectodes. It was a surprise to all when Sakai stood up way before the night was coming to an end. He didn't seem bored, so all the girls looked at Kohaku with confusion. The lady of the house, however, accepted Sakai's bow with one of her own and watched as he started walking toward the shoji.

"I can't thank you and your Geishas enough for providing me with help and pleasant distraction in time of dire need, lady Kohaku. I shall leave your residence early in the following morning, not to cause more trouble than necessary." - Sakai expressed with true gratitutude written all over his face. Kohaku chuckled in response, waving her palm at him. As you and the other Geishas bowed to lord Sakai as well, you couldn't help but raise your eyes and take a good look at him for one last time. For the love of gods, this man was so handsome it was painful - each of his moves was filled with grace, his face one of the most beautiful views you've seen in your life. The yukata lady Kohaku landed Sakai was highlighting his neck and shoulders - your fingers itched just so you could touch his warm skin again. That, however, was forever to be just a fragment memory, an indecent wish and a hopeless with. You still recalled every crevice of his form, all the muscles, fair skin, wounds and unhealed scars. Seeing him walking around like that was making your imagination run wild. Kohaku, thankfully, put an end to your wandering and distracted mind.

"It was our utmost pleasure to provide you with refuge and aid, young master. Please, carry on with my wish and chose a companion for your bath, as the proof of our utmost loyalty and support. My girls are excited to entertain you." - At that moment, you could hear the giggles and excited sighs all over the room. It felt like a gutwrenching punch, taking all the color from your face. Lord Sakai was to choose a companion for the night, huh? Someone who'd make him laugh, someone who'd ease his mind and make lo... A companion. He might've been a man of honor, but you weren't a silly little girl either. You knew how accompanying such a handsome and interesting man went. No Gaisha would be strong enough to endure his charm.

Your house had all kinds of entertainers. These were the most beautiful and graceful women your prefecture had to offer, the best of the best. Yui was dangerous, seductive and not adhering to the Geisha code at all - she'd keep lord Sakai very entertained, you imagined. His eyes turned in her direction, having you almost throw your heart out, that much was for sure, but he just nodded at Kohaku and stood up. After that, he was on his way.

"I've already informed you of my choice, lady Kohaku. I'm not plannig on acceptin anyone's company... Other than hers, that is. I can't express enough of my gratitude for the care lady Y/N has provided me with, I'm afraid, so this would be my way of thanking her. Please, I hope you adhere to my sincere wish." "And as I've said, young man, it's for her to choose. I won't force this upon her, since she's not one of my Geishas." - The woman answered with a mischievous grin, having all the girls giggle even more uncontrollably. You could feel their palms on your shoulders, their excited whispers and sighs. Even Yui was looking at you with genuine surprise. "Wouldn't expect you to do otherwise, ma'am." - Sakai whispered, leaving the gathering room. In that instant, the ruckus started - the girls were talking over one another, giggling excitedly. Some of them were giving you tips on how to behave, what topic to avoid, some were offering to lend you their best kimonos. It wasn't until Kohaku clapped her hand that they fell silent, stepping aside.

You, you realized. Sakai chose you as his companion for the night. He chose an everyday woman over all these beautiful, interesting Geishas. Kohaku knew well it wouldn't be wise to let you accompany Sakai. You were a damn peasant, not a woman brought up to be an entertainer. Lady Kohaku was well aware of that fact. She even thought about denying the request right away... But... It was lord Sakai she was talking about. This man was a myth and a legend giving strength to people. He was their reason to continue living and fighting. He was the reason the Mongolians haven't destroyed all fibres of hope just yet. And, well, Kohaku promised to show the utmost loyalty of the house. Being in Sakai's good graces would lead to being in lord Shimura's good grace - that was why she turned to you, waiting for you to stutter out any semblance of an answer.

"Well, get on your feet, dear girl. The young lord chose you as his company for the night." "Ma'am, you can't do this to me. I'm just a peasant, I have no manners, I'll let some ridiculous thought slip past my lips and anger his grace - it's not a good idea. Yui or Akali would be much wiser, safer choice..." "Young one." - Kohaku stopped you, watching as the other girls prepared sake and refreshments for the young lord. - "Have more faith in yourself. If it was such a bad idea, I wouldn't even play with the thought. Worry not, I'm not naive - I'm aware that young lord sees something in you, something he doesn't see in the others. You've learnt much from watching my other girls. All you have to do is to be polite, empathise with his feelings and understand his thoughts - don't forget you're not only representing yourself, you're representing this house. Here." - Carefully, Kohaku pressed the wooden tray into your palms. - "All you have to do is disagree. If you wouldn't want to do..." "I want to do it. I want to... Entertain and accompany the young lord." - You exclaimed to stop her rambling, agreeing maybe a bit too enthusiastically. Kohaku didn't say a word, but her smile said it all. "You aren't a Geisha tonight, young one. Forget the pressure and stay calm for me, all right? As for the question of your mizuage..." (author's note: mizuage is basically a geisha selling her virginity to her highest bitting client) "Ma'am!" - You exclaimed, pure shock in your expression. "... I claim no ownership over it. Whatever you wish to do with your worth and purity is your own decision. As I've said, you aren't a Geisha under my watch." - And with that, Kohaku pushed you right out the door.

Before you gathered yourself, Sakai turned to you - to a decomposed, trembling, flustered mess of a woman, whose palms shook so wildly that she almost dropped all the damn alcohol and food. Trying to stay composed, you inhaled deeply and attempted to send him a warm smile. When he returned the smile, your heart flipped inside your chest. Something in his expression made you feel special and beautiful… Seen. As if someone, for the first time in your life, acknowledged your presence properly. Under his gaze, you didn't feel like a lowly peasant. You felt like a desirable woman. Well, you might've been delusional, but it was a nice illusion.

"For a moment I was sure you'd turn my wish down. It must've troubled you greatly, I imagine. Let me express my gratitude for adhering to it." - With a silent sigh, he took a step closer to steady the palm in your arms - his quiet, endeared scoff didn't slip past your ears. - "Now that I think about it, I hope this foolish wish hadn't caught you off-guard. That would trouble me greatly." - The emotion in his voice almost sent you down on your knees. No way in the world would you be courageous enough to look in the man's face. If his proximity and tone alone made you weak, Sakai's boyish grin would surely send you off to meet the Kami…. Or the Oni. "I'm honored to make you company, my Lord. Please, follow me. I'll lead you to the onsen." - Despite putting in your best efforts to appear collected, you failed to get your voice under control. It was still very shaky, threatening to fail you any second.

As you walked around the garden, Sakai followed you slowly. Neither of you spoke, only the sounds of wind following all your steps. Ownership of an onsen hidden away from the public eye was Lady Kohaku's greatest pride. The hot spring was a well-hidden, secluded sanctuary hidden away from all unwanted glances and attention. It was partially hidden behind a rock formation and plenty of Sakura trees hid it away, bending over under the weight of all their petals and branches. When you had a lucky day and caught Lady Kohaku in a good mood, she allowed you to soak in the hot water. Usually, you'd prepare yourself a cup of hot tea and watch the birds hiding in the Sakura trees as the sun slowly set down. It was a beautiful place. Lady Kohaku usually allowed you and all the other girls to use the onsen after a dutiful, challenging day. It helped tremendously, cleared your mind, and lifted your spirits.

Even though it was a sanctuary, the serenity was nowhere to be found as you walked to it, setting the tray onto a designed spot carved into the stone. The reason your sanctuary wasn't offering any safety was just arriving, sighing pleasantly upon seeing the onsen. Hot, humid air curled atop it, inviting you to relax your body. The sweet scent of flowers and water filled the air, the last rays of sunshine sinking through the petals. Working in silence, you positioned the sake so he could grab it, putting the first batch of Yui's renowned Sashimi right next to it. You could pinpoint the moment Sakai slipped out of his yukata - the fabric slipping off his shoulders had you gasp for air. You kneeled frozen for some time, waiting until you heard a familiar splash of water and a contained sigh. Sakai, thankfully, didn't leave you waiting for long.

"Is there any topic you'd wish to discuss, my lord?" - Hearing your careful, gentle tone, Sakai turned his head to you as he leaned his elbows next to him. Taking careful steps, you'd sit in the grass opposite of him, the lamps lighting your face delicately. The man took his time as he let his eyes slip on your face, another boyish grin forming on his lips. Yep. There it was. You knew it. The grin broke all hell loose in your belly, butterflies tickling you almost violently.

Let it be known that Jin Sakai was a strong man - a samurai raised with a strong sense of morals forcefully instilled within him by his uncle. And yet… You had him weak. Whether he'd bend to your will or break entirely, he was in your grace. Every shy glance excited him, sending shivers down his spine. Each time you took a step back, Sakai's body desired to close the gap. While everything you did showed Sakai respect worthy of a lord, the distance between you felt torturous. From everything you've told Jin hinted you find yourself desirable enough - and he hated you felt this way. If only it wouldn't be forbidden to disclose his attraction… If only he could disclose all the images in his mind, most of which you weren't clothed. If only… He realized you were possibly the most beautiful woman Jin encountered throughout years of loneliness, the most intriguing human being anyway. The samurai wished to listen to every thought and memory in your mind. It would be heaven to lean his head into your lap, letting you yap away about anything and everything. He also realized this night was the only chance for you to live through a small infinity. He'd leave by the morning, leaving you behind. Despite this realization breaking his heart, it needed to be done. Jin was a man on a mission that couldn't be postponed. The Mongolian invasion was a matter of now or never. Every small victory supported and strengthened the cause. He realized the Ghost was needed to keep folks' spirits lifted. Jin dared to postpone it… Just for the night. Just until you fall asleep safely, making his hasty departure a bit easier. Jin postponed it for you.

"Whatever comes to your mind, my lady." - The man murmured after a long time, turning his gaze somewhere in the onsen. - "When I find myself in an onsen, I tend to reflect upon my life, journey, and my destiny; about the paths I've already endured and the ones I'm yet to take." - He explained calmly. "Would you like me to leave?" "No." - The man blurted almost too fast. - "I'm trying to say I wasn't accompanied in an onsen for some time. The change is exciting and endearing. I'm glad to know I'm not alone." "I'm the one to start the conversation, then? Won't you take it as a sign of disrespect?" - You wondered. "Ask me whatever your heart desires, my lady." - The respectful address still made you uneasy. Next to the young lord, you had no social status. There wasn't a singular, logical reason Sakai had to treat you with such an amount of respect… The only explanation was that Jin Sakai understood you as an equal. If his uncle would get to know…

"Are you alone often, my lord?" - You asked, Jin's eyes darted back to you immediately. It was a very intimate question, that you'd admit. Whatever your heart desired, though - that's how Sakai put it. Was it too much? Bowing down, you started apologizing. - "Excuse my rudeness. My words were too bold…" "The path of a warrior is a lonely one. You often lose those who you care for, as I lost my uncle. Ever since the invasion started and I swore to bring justice and honor to his death, I was alone… I had allies, and few friends, but… The answer is yes." - His expression was somber, subdued with painful memories. - "Never apologize for being curious, please, my lady. It's refreshing when someone asks exactly what's on their mind. Most wouldn't dare." - His words were true. Yes, Jin, just like other men, enjoyed being in the presence of Geisha. They were charming, but the conversation got very repetitive. The women dodged giving him a direct piece of information, they never challenged his views or asked daring, eyebrow-rising questions. Your raw curiosity and absence of a filter made the exchange interesting. This was getting fun.

"You must accept my apologies for I'm no geisha, my lord. Whatever it is you expect from me I'll be unable to perform - I can't dance, neither have I mastered the art of communication." - Still bowing, you slowly sat up to see him… Frowning, leaning his head toward his left shoulder. "That's… Why I asked you to join me. I know you're not one of them, a keen eye notices the difference. Trust me, Lady Kohaku informed me about your role in the house very well." - With that, he took a breath. - "Do not take my words as an insult, but normal people like you are humbling - soothing to be around when needed. It's the likes of you that can keep our minds settled in reality. Without normal people, we wouldn't be anything." - Well, Sakai just managed to inform you of being just a lowly peasant - but he was so polite about it that it sounded like politeness. "Thank you for the trust, my lord…" "Jin." - Now, he was looking into your eyes with his lips slightly parted. This was the first time the gentle, vulnerable soul of Jin Sakai poked its head out. As you made eye contact with him, the dynamic slowly started to shift. Jin had some ulterior motives he was chasing with this plea, but you nodded either way. - "Please, do me a favor and call me Jin. I yearn to be just a normal human for tonight. Help me forget about the outside world."

"I was just polite, just like Lady Kohaku taught me to be." - You disclosed sincerely, sending a small grin back - earning one right back. "Let me tell you a secret, Y/N… Born to the Sakai clan, to the clan leading over Tsushima, ensured I'd head a multitude of titles and polite addresses every day. Each word and each act served as a reminder to me of my duties to the people and the codex I swore to revere. But… Sometimes, I yearned for someone who'd peek under the pleasantries and titles… Someone who'd see me for the person, for Jin hiding inside lord Sakai. It's very difficult to ask for most of the time." - There it was again… The raw honesty.

It wasn't hard to imagine since people always took you for what you truly were. Your father was a fisherman, your mother took care of the household - you were just everyday people. You were nowhere near being royalty. Imagine you'd be locked up behind a character you carefully constructed for the public to see, smothering your true self under that mask… A smile appeared on your lips, an endearing twinkle showing in your eyes. As you inhaled deeply, your body started to relax. - "I'll do my best, Jin." "Thank you."

You stayed silent for a bit, waiting for whatever Jin would be up to next. The moment you realized he started bathing, your eyes widened in horror. - "You can't do that! Your wounds will reopen." "Oh, you want to do this yourself?" - Sakai teased with a grin, assuming you were joking. As his eyes glanced at the sincerity and seriousness in your expression, he realized he might get exactly what he asked for. You started to fold the sleeves of your yukata, breathing shakily. Despite joking, upon the realization dawning on him, his abdomen throbbed with excitement. - "… Please?" As you walked over to him, a heart attack was on the horizon. Both of you knew that touching a man like this was highly inappropriate, never mind the fact you were alone. And yet, you slowly dipped your palms in the warm water, sliding your fingers across his shoulders and upper back. To your surprise, the samurai gave into your touch willingly, almost desperately. His breath was hitching with excitement as his muscles naturally followed every small touch. Whenever you'd lean away, even ever so slightly, Jin's body would naturally follow you. This was much more exciting than it should, the loneliness leaving a mark on him. A mark Jin wasn't the proudest of. As you started talking, Jin almost freaked out with how much you scared him.

"Excuse me?" - Jin murmured, looking up to you. Whatever was going on, you furrowed at Sakai - his eyes were darkened with lust (despite never being with a man, you were positive you'd know when a man desired you), his hair breaking out of the bun giving him a very desirable look. His cheeks were rosy and filled with blood, lips parted as if he was waiting for something… Dear Kami, you thought, Jin Sakai was beautiful. "I was just asking if you're alright, Jin?" - Jin, you had to smile to yourself. Jin. You liked his name. You loved pronouncing it, letting the letters slip down your tongue. If it wouldn't be so inappropriate, you'd swear it almost tasted sweet. He wasn't able to form a coherent answer as your thumb pressure on the nape of his neck, tugging on his hachimaki to let his hair down. With a nod, Jin agreed, feeling strands of hair getting released.

"Better than alright." - Sakai sighed dreamily, murmuring as your fingertips dipped into his hair, massaging his scalp. His palm was searching for something, tapping the rock behind his shoulder. At first, you assumed he wanted to have some saké - but then, his fingers scratched your calf. As if he'd done it a thousand times before, Jin lazily threw your leg over his shoulder. Just when you thought it couldn't get better, his palm started smoothing the skin on your foot and calf. "What… What are you doing?" - Trying to keep calm, you still smoother Jin's hair, and played with it absentmindedly. Truth be told, you didn't pay an ounce of attention to anything else other than Jin Sakai, the Ghost of Tsushima himself, having your leg lazily thrown over his shoulder. You watched as his palm thoughtfully teased your skin, the back of his head leaning into your inner thigh as his eyes found yours. Having his head this close to the source of heat that set your body ablaze had you hissing excitedly. Based on his smile, Jin heard the sound.

Watching and feeling as you slowly got excited complimented Jin dearly. The knowledge of your body willingly giving into his unspoken offers with consent sent him into heat beyond his wildest dreams. All the desire written all over your face sent Jin into an abyss he wasn't sure he'd ever escape. The shadows on your face enhanced your features, bringing them into the forefront. The samurai couldn't pinpoint what exactly was it, but you looked ethereal. Each flicker of your lashes allured Jin, nailing in place. It was impossible to look away from you, from all the warmth and sweetness you emitted. Gods… You were breathtaking. With each nail in the coffin of his samurai codex, Jin felt more alive. The passion was too tempting to ignore. As he mentioned, Lord Shurima raised him as his son and a samurai. As such, Sakai knew it wasn't wise or right to give in to his emotions. As a samurai, Sakai was taught to keep his feelings in check, to keep his head clear, and to keep his honor at the forefront of all of his decisions… Jin was failing miserably at that moment.

It could've been months since he'd had a lover by his side. Ako was one of the concubines in his uncle's court, one who showed great interest in Sakai. If it wasn't for the invasion and her subsequent execution, she would've been in the best position to bore Jin's child. As for having a wife, Shimura hadn't introduced any potential candidate. As any man would, he yearned for a lover's touch. He wished to touch the woman's silky skin, run his palms across her curves, kiss the soft spots on her body, and flicker his tongue on their thighs or necks… And… There you were. You were close and your body was warm, making a cold shiver run down his spine. Presumably, it would be wiser to act on those primal thoughts before continuing on his quest… Wouldn't it?

Lazily, Jin smoother your knee pit with the tip of his nose, giving you one last look. It was a plea, a silent question. Utterly mesmerized, you nodded, watching the man plant a gentle kiss on the spot. Your body jointed at the touch, making Jin grin. The reaction gave away more than any amount of words would ever do. Jin found it admirable to find a woman who was still oblivious to one's touch. It was rare to meet one among geishas and concubines - all of them were knowledgeable in the arts of pleasure, having explored each inch of their bodies, knowing exactly what excites them. Jin, however, always felt deeper sympathies toward empty sheets of paper.

Inhaling the scent of your skin, Jin pressed more kisses to the small, gentle spot. Jolting again, your fingers tugged on Sakai's hair, fixing his head in place. It wasn't painful, just tight enough to make Jin moan weakly. As he pushed your leg off his shoulder, he turned to face you, slowly standing up from the body of water. His lips traveled up your leg, planting delicate yet meaningful pecks in an invisible trail. It didn't bother Sakai that you were clothed, he just led the trail atop your clothes. At a point, it became an impossible task to breathe normally - each breath sent a fresh batch of boiling blood running through your veins, every kiss gathering tension in the small bundle of nerves between your thighs. As Jin's head hovered over you, his darkened eyes sent another silent question in your direction. It would be preposterous to simply bore his head between your thighs, but the simple image of Sakai's tongue flickering at the spot where it itched the most… It would be so shameless. But dear Kami, you desperately wanted it.

Sakai couldn't gather how he regained control of himself, but he opted to tower over you, leaning his palms next to your thighs. His fingers itched to undress you, his eyes imagined you nude and in hundreds, thousands of scandalous positions that would please you. Fuck, he was hard for you already. Thankfully, the darkness and very few lamps hid any sign of indecency under the veil of night. As he stared at you, you didn't bother hiding your struggle to breathe and stay still. Still mesmerized by his beauty, you straightened up to match his pose - just so your face and torso would be closer to Jin's. The man lustfully dragged his eyes on your lips before looking into your eyes.

"Can I have an outlandish request?" - Sakai murmured, smoothing your cheek with his thumb. You could feel his breath on your face, the scorching heat of his body, and his smell invading your head. Unable to form words, you nodded. - "Join me… I beg you, Y/N. I won't utter a word to Lady Kohaku… This secret will be safe with me." There was a frantic sense of urge in his tone, his palm pulling your face closer before he stole a peck from your cheek. Looking away, you ran your tongue across your lips as you thought about the offer - Sakai, seemingly hypnotized, hissed. To gain a bit of personal space, you put your palms on his chest… Which was the straw that broke the camel's back. His body was tense, filled to the brim with blind lust, his heart ready to jump out of his chest - just like yours. Could it be? Was he as enchanted with you as you were with him?

Nothing about this situation was wise. You weren't stupid. One thing would lead to another - first, you undress, enter the onsen and before you'd grasp what's happening, you'd be lighter of a mizuage. Mizuage. Purity. Your only palpable worth. It was your only ticket to leave the geisha's house one day. Now that you didn't have family or a dowry, your purity was a commodity you could use as a means of transaction. Surely you weren't in a rush to leave the safety, mainly due to the ongoing invasion, but sometime in the future… On the other hand, you realized well this was a once-in-a-lifetime encounter and your body was betraying you long before Jin planted the images in your head. You desired him, you wished to see his eyes darken and lips smile loosely, you wished to see him undone. Everything about the man ensured he'd be careful. That he'd be slow. And most importantly, he wouldn't tell. Even if you wouldn't be pure by the time the morning sun arose, anyone would know. It would be easy to pretend, wouldn't it? Despite all of this going against your code, you turned your eyes toward the farmhouse. All the lights were out. The girls went to sleep, giving you privacy.

"Under one circumstance." - You muttered finally, pushing him away from you. "What is it you wish?" - … I'll give it to you, Jin almost added. "Don't look at me until I'm sat." - The sincere worry in your expression made Jin laugh, nodding, turning away as you asked. Quickly, you slipped out of your worn-out yukata, hastily throwing it somewhere aside. To ensure he's keeping his word, you held onto his shoulder as you slipped into the onsen. The water's relaxing effect kicked in immediately, making you sigh blissfully. That was the only time Sakai's head turned in your direction… Turning away before he could see anything. Before he knew it, you sat across him. "Thank you, Y/N. I mean it." - Sakai bowed, pouring you a cup of saké. As he handed it over, you shook your head.

"That's your gift from Lady Kohaku, Jin. I'm not allowed to drink it." "But I wish so. Drink up with me." - At first, Sakai came across as pushy, teasing you again. Then, the vulnerable man showed up again, sending you one of those shy boyish smiles. This expression broke you, making you accept the cup. "To your best health, my lord." - Teasing back, you toasted and took a first sip - Jin copying your actions. It was delicious, one from the fresh batch that you'd just delivered. You didn't have good saké in months.

Alcohol was sure to untie your tongues and smudge the social barriers between you, giving you time to relax and ensure everyone in the house was truly asleep. As the night darkened, you chatted away about everything - the conversation was pleasant and smooth. First, you talked about your memories of your birth village and friends while Jin shared stories about his companions, allies, and friends too. It turned sour once you got to the events of Komoda Beach, the knot that seemingly brought your paths together. The atmosphere was somber before you dispersed Jin with anecdotes about your life with the geishas. Alcohol in combination with hot was emboldened you, however - and Sakai too, apparently.

"What did you hear about me, the great Lord Sakai?" - Jin grinned, raising his eyebrows teasingly while pouring you another cup. The question made you laugh, despite Jin's expression darkening a bit. "A lot." - You murmured, winking at him playfully. When you pretended you wouldn't answer, Jin's palm raised the cup out of your reach. - "Heard you're talking to foxes and birds, following them around Tsushima, learning all their secrets, and earning the blessings of Kami… Also heard stories of a guardian, who's hiding in the shadows and patiently awaits the moment when he could strike and defend his land and people again… But I've also heard of the Ghost. That's the most infamous story about you - the most well-known." - As Jin scoffed, he gave you your cup back. When on the topic of unpleasant questions…

"Let me ask… Why did you choose me, Jin? This farmhouse is filled with sensual, gorgeous women, but you asked for a peasant. This feels like a strange dream." - One you were horrified of waking up from, you wished to add. But you sat patiently, waiting for Jin to form an answer. "Which answer do you want?" - Jin muttered without looking at you, sipping on his last cup of saké before setting it aside. "What do you mean?" "Do you want me to be polite… Or shall I say what's on my mind?" - He only raised his eyes at you during the latter part of his sentence, watching you like prey. There wasn't a need for words, your daring smile said it all. Of course, you wanted Jin to be raw and honest. - "Kohaku promised me company for the night if I'd like some, her approximation was simple - I can ask for whoever catches my eye. Don't get me wrong, Akali and Yui are wonderful women… But the moment I laid my eyes on you, I couldn't stop thinking about your smile. Once she disclosed you were my savior, I was lost; the only thing I'm certain of is that the gods blessed me. Under your beautiful face, there's thoughtfulness, intelligence, let alone humor and honesty I wouldn't find in any of these women sleeping inside that house." - Sakai disclosed honestly as you sipped on your saké, his words tarnishing every remnant of politeness. Soon, you felt his foot bumping into yours under the water, caressing it with care.

Even though all he said was evident from his demeanor and acts alone, it felt different to hear it out loud. He truly found you beautiful, he thought you were intelligent and funny. Social class or status was long forgotten - it was just Jin and Y/N ogling at each other in the onsen, trying to suppress all the inappropriate thoughts. "I suppose that wasn't the polite answer, was it?" - Whispering, your foot caressed his calf in return… Making Jin smile and blush. All muscles in his body tensed up under your touch, shivers running down his spine by the time your toe brushed his thigh. Your abdomen tensed up with that beautiful, torturous warmth again. "We promised we'd be honest with each other, right?" - Suddenly, Jin slipped underwater to clear his face and hair, resurfacing again. Strands of hair were messily framing his face, tugging out of the bun he'd attempted to make after you joined him in the onsen.

"What's on your mind right now, Y/N?" - Jin whispered, watching as you licked your lips just as before. This simple, subconscious gesture of yours almost made Sakai jump at you without asking. As his palms found your knees to circle them around his pelvis, you were already fucking lost. Ensuring you were okay with it, his palms slowly found your bottom and kneaded the gentle skin, bringing you closer. Realizing it was his penis poking at your belly made your eyes widen. "You, Jin. You're on my mind." - As he scoffed, you furrowed in response. Did you say something stupid? - "What's funny about that?" "… You're on my mind too." - Sakai admitted, finally leaning closer to kiss you. The entire time you sat across him felt like torture - each time you'd smile, Jin was on the brink of begging. He'd do anything for a simple peck. Your lips tasted better than he'd imagine, and just like you did before, he licked your lips for you. They were so soft… Before you could stop it, you moaned quietly. It happened once before with one of the loutish boys, but it hadn't happened this fast. You forgot how kissing felt, you forgot what a warm, tender feeling spreads inside your chest. Smiling, your palm smoothed Jin's jaw as you brought him for another one.

The hot water made your blood boil. Your muscles turned into mush, your body limb as Jin kissed you until he had to take a breath. As he did so, your palm explored everything in your reach - his neck and jaw covered in unkempt stubble, his collarbones, his heart beating inside his chest, all the scars on his torso… Jin's palms smoothed you almost subconsciously, each stroke parting your thighs further away. After he'd started teasing the inner part of it, he could feel you shutting, recoiling in response… And yes, his fingers were trembling too. To be frank, the man found it fascinating - amused with the way your body responded, he slowly built up the tension within you. You barely recalled the moment you moaned audibly enough for Jin's tongue to enter your mouth, making you tug on his hair response - for this, Jin awarded you with a greedy whimper and a nod. He liked that. If Jin would get enlightened all of a sudden, remembering his code, yapping about how immoral this was, you'd just slap him out of it and make him finish what he started.

Everything about the kiss was a bit… Sloppy in an endearing way. Based on Jin's looks, manners, and choice of words, you'd assume he's a hit among the ladies - let alone he was lonely for the past few months. Women must've gone crazy for him, surely, just like all the geishas did. Jin Sakai with all his attributes must've been a sexual idol, if you will. He'd already broken his codes along the way - what would be one more rule on top of the list? What his uncle didn't know, that couldn't hurt him, Why wouldn't Jin accept the advances? Why not give in? And you'd be dead wrong. Yes, he had the looks and manners, but Jin lacked the outright confidence to accede. Well… Until this evening, that was. As Jin admitted, he was borderline obsessed with you. Even though you didn't show an ounce of sexual interest in him back in the garden, Sakai realized he'd go mad if he didn't have you. Realizing you were both fish out of water calmed you down. It was nice to know you were both equally nervous.

"Don't you pass out on me, Jin, alright?" - You teased as you both gasped for air. Jin tried diving right back in, but when you dodged, he leaned his forehead against you to keep at least some sort of physical contact with you. He grinned upon the joke. "I'm afraid my wounds will surely reopen because of all the excitement you're making me feel." - His voice getting raspier made you put your index finger under his chin, raising his eyes to you. That shy Jin was far gone - this man was ready to… Whatever he was ready to do, it ran your mouth dry. Sakai wasn't creating pressure, you could always turn him down and he could do the same. And this, seemingly, was your last chance to wiggle out of his arms, walk to your futon, and go to sleep. "Would you mind sharing the excitement, my lord?" - Fuck, that address. The one you were shyly pronouncing all evening long. Each you'd address him as such, his dick twitched under his clothes. Thank gods that the yukata was very loose. - "Or would you prefer to keep it to yourself?" - Your voice finally cracked when you realized Jin's fingers started to caress your inner thigh again. It wasn't teasingly, however, no.

His tongue skillfully flickered on your neck, leaving trails of saliva he'd carefully kiss with his lips, each touch spreading your thighs until his palm lay settled between them. Before smoothing it for the first time, Jin'd ensure you were looking up to him - that you wanted this just as much as he wanted it. That small weak spot was boiling, begging to be touched and pleasured. Even though he'd been with women before, it never felt natural, not as much as this. Even though it was just a carefully constructed lie, an illusion, Jin felt the two of you had all the time in the world to try whatever you desired. Fuck, Jin wished that would come true. The eternity sounded nice next to you.

Nothing prepared you for the sudden cutting pain spreading between your legs when Jin pushed two of his fingers inside you. In response, your body recoiled, your eyes swelling with tears, squirming at the strange new sensation. After Jin attempted to talk to you, but without any response, he caressed your head and pecked your lips until you relaxed around him. He was scared to move his hand even an inch. Sitting obediently between your legs, he waited until you came to.

"Did I hurt you? If you want me to stop…" "Give me a moment." - You muttered with eyes closed, leaning your back into the edge of the onsen. Trying to get used to the feeling, you kissed Jin and started smoothing his body again, realizing every phalanx of Jin's curled fingers inside you. After a bit, when it started feeling enjoyable, you nodded and started moving, grinding on his palm with utmost care, avoiding the pain. When Sakai deemed it appropriate, his palm started grinding against your pace, thrusting to give you a bit of the edge - the needed friction. It felt overwhelming, so you dug your nails into his shoulders to steady yourself in the moment. Jin's darkened yet warm gaze followed your journey towards climax, the man seemingly fascinated by each twitch in your face. Carefully, your hand slipped down to accompany his, playing with the small sensitive bud as your instincts guided you.

The unfamiliar sensation sent a wave of heat through your body, curling up your toes. You wanted more. You needed more. You had no clue what the sensation was, but the faster you rubbed it, the more you needed. All the build-up turned into moans and whines, raspy whispers of Jin's name falling off your lips like a silent prayer. Until your body tensed up… And exploded into bits and pieces. For a bit, you didn't know who you were or where you were, you could just see the universe expanding behind your closed eyes. You've tried masturbating, of course, you weren't a stranger to it. But this… This felt better than before. Much better. A contained smile, accompanied by relaxed sighs, appeared on your face as Sakai slipped out of you. Based on his endearing expression, he was pleased with himself.

"Was that enough excitement for you, dearest, or would you want some more?" - Even speaking was problematic for Sakai as he watched you get undone, spasming around his fingers so tightly he was worried you wouldn't ever let go… Not that he'd mind. Also, the nickname - such an intimate, endearing one. Dearest, you repeated in your mind over and over again. You loved the sound of that. "I'm sure I'll handle more if you'll be gentle, dearest." - Matching his tone, you caressed his face. Your head felt light and dizzy from the orgasm, sake, and hot water, but you were dying to feel all of him. You were craving his dick inside you if you'd have to say it outright. Jin's smile brightened. - "Why are you still smiling?"

As you moved onto the cold grass next to the onsen, Jin shook his head. He didn't want to ruin the moment by explaining. He simply wished to make you moan. Every moment of what had happened was engraved into the back of his head. Those will be the memories accompanying him on long travels and lonely nights, surely. A sense of hope built inside his chest. Maybe once everything's over… Maybe he could meet you again, pay for you, and make you his concubine. Over time, you could become more than that… Jin shook his head again, unable to contain the excitement this thought gave him. This could be more than just a one-time occasion, surely. Either he could ask you to follow him across Tsushima, to leave by his side in the early morning… He could give it a shot. If you wouldn't agree, he could propose the former plan. Would you agree? Gods, Jin hoped you would.

As Sakai kneeled atop you, lost in his thoughts with his dick hard, you kissed his cheek to bring him back. The grass was soothing, nicely cold, and velvet soft, so you didn't mind laying on it as Jin positioned between your legs - his eyes traveled from your lap to your face, analyzing every crevice of your skin. There was so much Jin wanted to do, so much he wanted to show you, but he sadly didn't have the time to do so. He wanted to entwine his fingers between strands of your hair, run his palms down your shoulders and back, palm both of your breasts, and play with your nipples. There was a multitude of positions Jin imagined you in, each one making him hornier than the one before. He needed you. And that's what he could get right now, watching as you nodded. You needed him too.

Carefully supporting your pelvis with all the clothes, he lifted it off the ground so you'd have an easier time taking him. Despite his best efforts of being careful and loving, your mouth opened agape, and your head turned back at an unnatural angle. Realizing how tight you were, his hips buckled against his will, making your body shiver as your palms found his, your nails digging into his skin. He tried staying in the position for as long as his willpower let him before slowly pulling out and sliding back in. The motions were extremely slow, each inch stretching you inside feeling like torture for the first few minutes. Carefully grabbing one of your nipples, his thumb toyed with it until your clit started tingling again. Just like before, you rubbed it, feeling as you relaxed around him. It even eased the friction, your juices soaking his dick with each thrust. After sinking his entire length inside you without you seemingly realizing, Sakai's eyes gazed at the spot where your bodies connected - he watched himself slipping out and thrusting back in before all the remnants of willpower broke inside him, utterly mesmerized. His hips buckled again as he gained speed, hastily thrusting into you in search of his release.

He laid down, letting you messily embrace him - one of his hands smoothed your hair and face, and the other leaned next to your hair as he continued pounding deep into the core of your warmth. You were silky soft, tightly wrapped around him… It felt so right. Everything was almost too fucking good. Nails in the skin on his back, your breath on his face, your eyes staring deep into his, your palm rubbing your clit… Everything about it was so right. The fact that Jin started to verbalize his pleasure aroused you - low growls, whines, and moans were leaving his mouth as his moves got sloppier and sloppier. In response to his sounds, your mouth let out some of the most erotic and heavenly moans of your own. As he furrowed and burrowed his head to your next, he moaned your name and slipped out, letting warm fluid cover your belly as his hips recoiled with pleasure. You couldn't care less about not reaching climax too. All that mattered was that Jin Sakai laid next to you, alive, happy and relaxed.

"Let's clean you up, dearest, come on." - The man breathed out laboriously, helping you back on your feet. The post-orgasm bliss erased all the horrors written in his face. For a bit, it allowed Jin to forget who or where he was. It was just Jin and Y/N, nothing else could penetrate this barrier. As you sat back to the onsen, Sakai curled you up to his chest, relaxing as he breathed in your scent and held your shoulders with his arms. After a careful examination, you realize none of the wounds reopened. Those were great news and you planned on giving a few quality offerings to the spirits. For the first time since you've met him, Jin Sakai looked healthy.

"Never in my life had I experienced anything this beautiful." - You mumbled after a moment, Jin leaning for a gentle kiss on your forehead. Based on his sigh, you assumed there was something on his mind - so you asked. "Are you happy? Are you fulfilled living your mundane life? Or is it a matter of habit and safety? Have you ever thought about this?" - Even Jin himself seemed caught off-guard by the depth of his thoughts. He furrowed, a V forming between his eyebrows. What was he chasing after? "Actually, I am. There's something nice about the mundane life of a peasant. You know, I was born into one, I can't imagine being anyone else. I wasn't rose to fight for honor a dignity… My parents taught me to be a good person who treats others with decency and empathy. That's who I am. So… Yes. I am happy." - Nodding with conviction, you looked up at the starry night. "So… If I'd propose you'd leave this place with me…" - Just muttered, making you look at him while he gathered the courage to finish what he was saying. - "To fight for the right thing, would you accept the proposition?" - Yes, Jin was dead serious. This idea was as stupid as it was dangerous. If there would be any nail in the coffin of his samurai honor, it would be traveling around Tsushima with a peasant. Let alone imagine Jin publically proclaiming you as his partner. Unrealistic. It wasn't enough for Sakai to be forced to commit seppuku for violating bushido in such a way. These relationships were strongly frowned upon, being more or less forbidden. If there were such instances, they were hushed and kept in secret, usually dismissed as rumors. Was Jin simply trying to get a fighter for his cause, then?

"I wouldn't accept the offer, my lord." - Smiling, you sat on his lap, caressing both sides of his face. - "The girls need my help around the house, especially in times like these. I shall be forever grateful for the appreciation and care they gave me in this house. I couldn't stumble into a better house - they treat me as an equal, with respect and love. I'm family, Jin." - Your expression grew somber, the gentle warmth in your eyes fading as they swelled with tears. - "Calling you by your name and seeing the true you, Jin, is enough of a privilege to me. Don't take my words personally, but I don't think we'd make it… Not in a million years. I would raise a lot of distrust into the samurai of clan Sakai, bringing you and our potential children a century of misfortune and karma."

You were right, of course, you were right. And yet, despite everything, there was still some sort of a safe harbor inside your eyes. Tight there, in the onsen, was where Jin was meant to be - with you. He was sure of it. All hells of the surrounding worlds ceased to exist when you smiled at him. There wasn't any woman, except Yuriko, who'd make him feel like this. And Jin Sakai was not ready to let go as easily. "Your care for my honor is admirable, Y/N, but… I've already bent and violated the bushido codex many times in so many ways I'll be let go to wander the world as rōnin once everything's done. I'm sure lord Shimura wouldn't make commit seppuku, but he won't accept me as his samurai ever again." - Jin explained, smoothing your hips. You realized what Jin's getting at, your heart pounding upon the realization. - "All differences between us will disappear and my social status won't matter after, you know?" "If we meet again one day, I'll be sure it was meant by destiny. Until that day, it is how it is." - You sighed, nuzzling your head into the crook of his neck. Sakai didn't dwell, his hand smoothing your back once more. - "I'm just a woman sitting next to an honorous samurai, Jin Sakai. You will leave in the morning and make me proud because you were destined to achieve amazing things."

[sunseteyes]

THE RED ROSES IN WONDERLAND; T. KAMADO

theme/s: alice in wonderland & brave inspired. a beginning; where the child of the red king meets the one that is fated to bring peace in the land. 

word count: 1,957 words

roze’s note: i suddenly wanted to write this as a multi-chapter but let’s see~ if my schedule permits it, why not? also, what do you think? should i really??

a sigh leaves your lips as your eyes glances over the same flowers every single day. yes, the flowers were indeed beautiful, but whenever you see the color red, you just can't help but feel that coiling of your stomach and the tightening in your throat.

everyone thinks you don't know of the blood that spills on your father's hands, but you do, and you're only pretending you don't.

just as you were about to turn back to the house, a figure catches your attention and you immediately recognized who it was.

"nosuke! you're back!" your mood brightened immediately at the only one whom you could call a friend in the whole land. despite being surrounded by lots of individuals and loyal subjects, your guard is still always up and you never full trusted all of them—except inosuke.

it was explainable though. he's the only one who is not entirely by your father's side but he can still manage to stay alive. as the record keeper of wonderland, inosuke the white rabbit is more like the neutral individual. he doesn't have a side to pick on and that's why you don't have a problem opening up to him at all.

"how was your travel to the other side? did you bring a souvenir for me?" you excitedly approached the boy and his ears twitched at the sound of your voice, his head turning around to face you with his beautiful face that you sometimes envy upon. he's probably the prettiest you'd ever seen in the whole land!—as if you'd seen everyone yet. you never got to get out much aside from the forest because your father insists that you must stay safe and not act hostile because you are a royal, the future ruler of the reds, after him.

you didn't want to adapt your father's way of ruling but you can't also say no to him. it's not that you were afraid but mostly because you love him too much to hurt him. he raised you with the outmost care and compassion he could give. the only thing you could give back to him is by abiding in his rules and obeying him by following his footsteps.

but you can't kill anyone either.

"huh? souvenir? i was there for work, you know! you can't just order me to do something when i've got other things to do." you smiled at inosuke's response. harsh as it may seem to others, you know it was his way of conversing to someone he doesn't particularly call his "minion". he can be a bit superior against others but it's what you admire most in your friend.

"wait, inosuke. i heard you brought someone from the other side. is that true?"

your question seemed to have made him tense for a second but it vanished as soon as it came. you realized then that it must have been the same question your father might have asked him that's why the rabbit was summoned there.

"you mean gonpachiro? he's not going to stay here for long. the portal will open a week after, there's no need to worry about the legend."

ah, so that's what it is, you thought.

there's a legend in wonderland that there will come a time that someone from "the other side" will come and give a path to peace between the white and the red, making the land as one as it can be. looking at it now, many have lost hope that the legend was not even often said anymore. yet, it is also a fear for others, especially the royals since peace will result to a singular leadeship.

it's either one will back down and give way so the other will rule all over wonderland, or one will have to fall in misery as the other rises in victory,

either way, you're sure your father will never like the idea of that unless he will be the ruler.

"i'm not worried about the legend." you say, looking up a inosuke's eyes. "i'm more worried about this gonpachiro you're talking about. you know how my father works."

inosuke's lips seals tight at your words. you have kept from everyone aside from inosuke about your knowledge of your father's dirty works but until now, inosuke seems bothered about it.

now you don't really socialize with the others in your household much and you usually keep your distant most of the time. one of the main reasons why was because of your father—he often tells you never to trust anyone, including the ones that are loyal to them. you agreed in his logic for the reason that his loyal subjects are the ones that obeys his orders and has the capability of killing anyone. you never liked that idea, even if you don't show or tell it to others, especially your father. he'd be very disappointed if that so happens.

this results to a lot of free time for yourself. with an idea you got from the back of your head, you begun to imitate how your father's loyal subjects often train around the palace.

by training, it meant drawing a weapon and using it constantly for you to get used to it. at first, you thought of it as something you do in your past time. however as moments passes by and more killings were done in the red kingdom, you decided it was for your own safety. you never know when time will come when someone tries to avenge their lost loved one because of your father. as the only heir to the throne and the ones that carries the king's own blood, you will surely be the best prey for a predator.

drawing back your arm, narrowing your eyes and casting a breath, you let go of the tail of the arrow, watching it hit the target whilst quickly reaching for another one and repeat the process.

eleven years. it took eleven years for you to master the art of archery.

at first, you tried with knives, swords and even a fan—which was the weapon of one of your father's loyal subjects. yet, the bow and arrows were the only ones you had gotten a connection too. thus, it served you as your main weapon that you had learned throughout the years without any guidance from anyone.

your father didn't like the idea of you fighting for your own. even if you had kept your training a secret all these years. you had a feeling he knows about it and he was either already pleased about it or he's too disappointed that you were keeping it a secret that he wants you to confess it to him instead of confronting you.

your hair flutters under the influence of the wind as you balanced on your horse, already used to its movement and shifts as he glides through the trees of the forest.

you locked your eyes on a target however as you shot the arrow, a figure catches your attention and it was too late.

"look out!"

you were quite sure that the figure was so a hair-strand away from getting hit yet it dodges, the arrow marking a perfect score on the target on a tree trunk.

you halted your horse and ushers it towards the figure's way, your mind failing to recognize what it was.

"who are you?" you made eye contact with the boy, the crimson in his hair resonating his orbs that were certainly of a different hues than your father and the roses in your garden.

he looks... different. far too unique from the people in the palace.

"how did you gain access in here? from what i remember i told everyone that only i should be of use of the forest." your brows furrow at the sight of him, your guard up just in case he will try something.

although, his face displayed of a gentleness that you had not seen for the longest time—was there ever been a moment, even? that you don't know. from what you can recall, everyone only respected you because of your title.

not because of you yourself.

"don't be alarmed! i bring you no harm, your highness!" he raises both of his hands up as a sign of surrender, his voice tainted of assurance and calmness that no burglar or man with ill-intention would have.

you still refuse to trust him.

"how will i know of your claims?" your grip on your bow tightens, prepared of any kind of attack. "what's your name, stranger?"

he seems to be at ease with your questioning, making you curious even further.

"i am tanjiro kamado. i... the white rabbit and the mad hatter sent me here. he thought i could be of help to you, your highness."

"help? why would i need that?"

then inosuke and zenitsu? why would they send this boy without telling it to you beforehand?

"you need to know what the red king is doing. he needs to be stopped. inosuke told me only you are capable to do that."

"i already know of my father's schemes." your lips tighten in your words, being the second time to have told your secret, you were beginning to think it was a wrong move.

the boy named tanjiro looked surprised, betrayed even. could it be that inosuke lied to him? you guesses that might not be the case.

"you mean... you know that he's planning to start a war against the white kingdom...?" there was hope and uncertainty in his voice, a mixture that you had deemed obvious with how he toned it. however, it was least of your worries for his words had processed in your mind first.

a war? now that you don't know about.

"where have you gotten this idea?" you question him further. "i... i never heard of that."

he seems to have perked up at your last statement, his aura changing in a millisecond.

"muzan learned of my coming here. you know of the legend, right? i didn't know if it at first but i was warned that my arrival would cause great chaos in this world." it had been awhile since you've heard someone use your father's name.

that fact alone changed your perspective on the boy.

climbing down your horse, your garments sticking to your skin as the slight formation of the sweat from your training. without letting go of your bow, you stood in front of tanjiro, feeling like the world had stopped at how you were feeling the beginning of change in you and your household.

looking straight into his eyes, you spoke.

"yes, that is a fact." you scanned his face and found a genuineness that you were not used of seeing as a result of being in a place with people that wore a firm and strict expression constantly. you were getting tired of it.

wait, no. you are tired of it.

"but your coming here is a sign of hope." your muscles eases up at how you let it out all in one go, "you will be the source of peace in wonderland, tanjiro kamado."

all your teenage years you spent on being silent. now that you were getting close to your coronation, it is time to show everyone what is needed to be done,

and with this boy in front of you, you felt as if the coil in your stomach contort back and relax, a ray of light showing you the path that you should take in order for you to succeed in stopping your own father from destroying the land you call home and the king that has the same blood that runs in your veins.

[meta-squash]

Your ADHD procrastination post has really stroke a nerve with me. I've had the same issue for years, but thought it's normal for everyone. Since about a year or so, I've been wondering if I may have an undiagnosed ADHD along diagnosed conditions. If it's not too personal, how else ADHD manifests in you? I hope it's okay to ask. I love hearing women's stories about ADHD because they are much different than the stereotypical image of it...

It’s not too personal! (FYI I go by they/them pronouns, but I am afab; it’s all good though!) Also, this got VERY long, I’m sorry! I’m verbose and have a lot to say, apparently.

So I personally have a weird relationship with ADHD. I was diagnosed with it (or some sort of attention deficit thing) when I was in like 3rd or 4th grade. I was briefly medicated but I think I was on Ritalin (I forget) and my child body couldn’t handle it; I was a zombie during the day and then when it wore off at night I was Evil and freaked out and wanted to fight everything. So I went off it pretty quick and didn’t get medicated after, presumably because my parents thought my ADHD wasn’t bad enough.

The reason they probably thought that is because my brother has Really Bad ADHD. Like, all the classic stereotypical symptoms and characteristics to the extreme: never shuts the fuck up, really damn loud all the time, extremely high energy, can learn pretty much anything in about 5 seconds but can’t actually hang on to an interest really (now that he’s an adult he can, but not as a kid), can’t sit still or pay attention in class, doesn’t finish homework, etc etc. I was able to mask mine and function enough to get through school just riding pretty much on my humanities grades alone. It sucked a lot but I somehow did it. I had an IEP (Individual Education Plan, which is a US school thing for kids with learning disabilities and such that allows for accommodations and assistance in school) but it didn’t do much except I think give me extra time on math tests because of my dyscalculia (I was in Special Ed Math my whole grade school career). My mother is an OT but I also think that (as you said) ADHD in afab people often manifests differently than in amab people, so I guess my parents just didn’t know what to look for and that’s why I never really got the same help as my brother.

I like to jokingly categorize ADHD into two distinct but overlapping types: Fast ADHD and Mush Brain ADHD. Fast ADHD (in my opinion; this may vary from person to person) is the classic stereotype symptoms. Fast ADHD’s focus problem is too much happening all at once. Lots of thoughts and ideas flying by and you get distracted mid-thought with another thought, or your train of thought gets really crazy but is super fast so your reply to someone’s comment might not make much sense to anyone else because they weren’t privy to your brain’s journey, or you go down a focus worm-hole and sit and do One Thing all day and forget to surface for things like food/water/bathroom. Fast ADHD has more energy (though when paired with depression that usually manifests as restlessness or anxiety) and is quicker to pick up new things. Mush Brain ADHD is kind of the opposite. Thoughts take longer, or you think of something and then it almost immediately disappears (for example, scrolling a website, seeing something that you want to google, you scroll for like 5 more seconds and think “wait, I completely forget what I was going to look up”). With Mush Brain ADHD it’s harder to have conversations because thought-to-mouth time is slower, rather than (with Fast Brain) lots of stuff is going on up there. Mush Brain often feels like, well, mush and like you can’t really form thoughts very well if you want to do stuff. It’s like you’re trying to focus on thinking a thought but it just slides away. Another way I’d describe it is having thoughts but it’s like they’re on a blackboard and they’re being erased as you think them, so they end up mostly smears. Obviously, this is just based on my own experiences as a Mush Brain ADHD person while my brother has Fast Brain ADHD, so this might be different for other people.

Both have lots of overlaps: executive dysfunction (that’s the big one), insomnia, auditory processing problems, hyperfixation (which is not a bad thing! I love my hyperfixations! They’re fun!), absolutely crap organizational skills, constantly losing things, really bad perception of time, detachment from the world (like you drift off into your own daydream, or things feel distant, but not quite the same as depersonalization/dissociating),  difficulty making choices, sensory processing disorder, crap abilities with money, rejection sensitive dysphoria, and often comorbid mental illnesses like depression, OCD, anxiety, dyscalculia/dyslexia, etc.

 Oh, and a lot of ADHD characteristics also overlap with depression characteristics (and a lot of people with ADHD have comorbid depression, so it really doesn’t help).

But I can tell you about my own experiences with some of these.

The Big One which is basically what that schrodingers motivation post is about, is executive dysfunction. People also call it procrastination (it only kind of is) or inertia. Basically, executive dysfunction is where the difficulty lies in starting the task. You want to do something, but you just can’t get going to do it. You get sort of paralyzed. It even happens with things you like. For example, when I made that post, there was a short (just over 100 pgs) book I wanted to read before the end of the day. It’s a good book! It’s on my reading list! I want to read it! But I just sat on my computer and watched dumb youtube videos because that’s what I was already doing and executive dysfunction makes starting tasks really hard. This happens to me a lot. It can happen with reading a book, or getting up to go to the store and buy groceries, or making a meal, or watching a movie. The movie-watching one happens to me a lot. Basically it’s the brain struggling to switch tasks; you’re scrolling tumblr, and that’s what your brain is focused on, and it doesn’t know how to switch from doing that to doing your bio homework or folding the laundry or whatever the task may be. This happens with “bigger” or more complex tasks too, like starting an art project or starting a new book, because your brain has to figure out all the components of that task (I need these items for my project and this amount of time and I need to use them in this order) which is overwhelming, or it needs to comprehend how “big” the task is (how much time/concentration should I try and commit to in order to read this book) which is sometimes hard to gauge. Oh, also this can happen if you’re interrupted in the middle of a task, whether it’s to do another thing or just to answer a question or something; it’s hard to get back to it because it’s another kind of switching tasks. Aside from the blackboard-being-wiped-thoughts, this is my biggest ADHD problem. I can go more into how I dealt with executive dysfunction in college and now if you want!

Auditory processing issues is another thing that I deal with, although to a lesser extent than some people. It just means it’s harder for your brain to process sounds/talking. Part of this, for me, is because if someone is talking to me but there’s other noises (music, other conversations, general loudish ambiance) going on around us, my brain treats them all as equally important and I can’t focus in on the person talking. Another part for me is in my experience I seem to process conversation different from explanation. If I’m talking back and forth with someone about something and it’s not terribly important, I’m fine. If they’re trying to explain something to me, give me instructions, or read a passage of text to me, it just does not stick in my brain. If I’m helping my best friend with her grad school applications, I have to read the sentence she’s asking me check, I can’t have her read it to me. If she does read it to me, I’ve realized that I try to imagine the words as text in my head so I comprehend it better (it doesn’t always work). Auditory processing issues means that a lot of my conversations in public with people who are not my close friends (and therefore easier to pick out from the noise because familiar and/or easier to predict because familiar) are filled with a lot of me going “what?” Retail conversations with customers are slightly easier because there’s at least a mild “script” that they’ll stick to, usually.

Another one I experience is organizational problems. This one was bad enough that I actually went to a tutor-like thing to help me with it for most of grade school. Basically, I had no ability to organize tasks like doing homework or other activities, so things would get forgotten/lost/never even written in the calendar/etc. I couldn’t do projects because I couldn’t (and still kinda can’t) organize far enough into the future. I didn’t know how to break the project down across multiple days or weeks and make it manageable without totally forgetting pieces of it. I’d forget to write down homework when the teacher wrote it on the board, or I’d write it down but forget to do it. Or I’d do it but misplace it or leave it at home. My perception of time was also really crap; I couldn’t read an analogue clock until I was in maybe 6th grade? Even now I sometimes have trouble. It was hard to know how much time I had to allot to certain projects because I didn’t really have good perception of how hours fit in the day and how much time until homework is due and stuff. (Which meant lots of finishing things in class minutes before I had to turn it in and stuff. Once in uni I completely forgot to do an Entire Essay; luckily it wasn’t a class I needed to graduate.)

Along with this is losing EVERYTHING. I misplace things CONSTANTLY. I’ll put something that’s in my hand down to get a cup of tea or something, or even just to like, move a blanket, and I’ll forget where I put it. I’ve solved this problem with Important Things (wallet, phone, and keys always go next to my bed, for example, and rarely move from there if they’re not in my pocket. All important papers go in my Important Papers Folder as soon as soon as possible) but I lose regular stuff all the time. I’ll be working on an art project, I’ll put my glue stick down to reach for a piece of paper, and lose the glue stick in the time it takes to pull the paper towards me. The other day I was brushing my teeth and I put the toothbrush cover down to say hello to the cat and forgot where I had put it down once I had followed her to the next room. When things have a Place it’s easier, but I’ve learned to live with going “Where the FUCK did I put this thing? I had it a second ago!” at least once a day.

The “Mush” in “Mush Brain” is another big one for me. I don’t know if this has, like, a name? Or anything? It’s just what I call it. The best description for it would either be that blackboard description from above, or like you’re struggling to get to a thought through a lot of mud. Oftentimes I’ll have a sort of concept of a thought but not something full, and I know it’s there, but I can’t get to it. This is really apparent when I’m trying to remember a synonym for something, or trying to elaborate on certain concepts or pull ideas from texts. It doesn’t happen all the time. I was an English lit major in uni, so this affected me a lot back then. It’s sort of a similar feeling to reading the same sentence over and over and not registering the words, except it’s in your own brain instead. This kind of goes away for me when I’m writing/typing. Writing this out is easy (minus me forgetting the word executive dysfunction for like 5 minutes) but if you were asking me to explain this aloud I would struggle, probably. This is probably because I can stare at what I’ve written to see what’s missing or edit my thoughts, which I can’t do while I’m speaking, and also can’t do to other people’s interactions with me.

Just a general inability to focus is also one I struggle with. It goes with the “mush brain” to an extent but I think it’s different. It’s more like my brain doesn’t want to, well, focus on anything. If I’m just messing around on my laptop, that means I end up clicking back and forth between tabs endlessly because nothing is holding my interest. If I’m trying to read or do anything “intellectual” or “academic” it means I just can’t get myself to read or I can’t keep my thoughts on what I’m trying to write no matter how hard I try. Nothing holds my interest for long enough, it’s like brain restlessness. I try and concentrate on doing something, watching something, reading something, and my brain just slides away from it.

Rejection sensitive dysphoria is something I experience on a more minor level. It’s something that also overlaps with anxiety and depression. Basically, it’s a really intense emotional reaction to (perceived) rejection. For example, if my best friend says something to me with a certain tone or gets mad at me for doing something minor, my brain just goes “She hates you! She doesn’t want to be friends with you! You should isolate in your room and never speak to anyone again because you’re so annoying and terrible!” I know that’s mostly incorrect (although I also know I’m quite annoying and that’s another ADHD characteristic; knowing you’re annoying someone in some way and having no idea how to stop) so I can fight it but sometimes I do end up holing up in my room for a little bit. Things like criticism (whether towards you or towards, like, an essay or something) can also trigger this reaction. So can things like having an expectation that you’ll be good at something, and then failing at it or just not being as good as you’d hoped. (I developed a sort of defense mechanism for this one of never expecting to be good at things and never expect higher than a C in a class.) It also can come with a sense of feeling inferior around people doing similar things. It happens to me a lot here on tumblr, actually, because I’ll write a meta about something, and then read someone else’s good meta on the same thing, and feel like I’m an idiot and they’re really smart and nothing that I wrote was insightful or good. It happened to me in uni a lot too. It also happens to me kind of...secondhand, now. What I mean is, my best friend/roommate is extremely smart. Like genuinely one of the smartest people I know and an incredible thinker, straight A’s at uni in a degree she created, etc. She still gets imposter syndrome herself and feels like she’s not smart, and when she says she’s not smart, I feel bad for her but I also feel really terrible about myself, because if she thinks she’s stupid, then what am I? But again, it’s an overreaction to perceived rejection. It still sucks though.

There’s some evidence that ADHD comes with a whacked out sleep schedule. And not just insomnia (although that too, I know this because it’s 7am and I haven’t slept yet lol), but also Delayed Sleep Phase Disorder. Which basically means that most people’s circadian rhythms start slowing down so they’ll go to sleep around like 11pm-1am-ish, give or take. ADHD circadian rhythms are shifted so often we start getting tired around 3am or even 4 or 5am. (This is different from insomnia, btw, with DSPD you can fall asleep fairly easily, you just get tired later in the night; with insomnia it’s an inability to or difficulty in falling asleep quickly.) I always thought I’d just gotten my dad’s night owl genes, but it’s more likely that it’s the ADHD. I also have at least mild insomnia and it takes me a million years to fall asleep a lot of the time.

Hyperfixations are the Fun part of having ADHD (in my opinion). They can get in the way sometimes but they’re also really comforting and nice. Hyperfixations happen when you find an interest and it’s basically all you want to think or talk about, and you relate to the world through it, and you want to learn everything about it. It’s also a characteristic of autism. I’m not autistic, so I don’t know if there are major differences between ADHD hyperfixation experiences and autism ones. Anyway, often hyperfixations stick with you for a good amount of time, depending on the strength, and then you might find something else to focus on. Some of my hyperfixations have lasted a few months, some up to 4 years. A lot of ADHD people rotate through the same or similar ones. For example, a hyperfixation I had back in 2011-2014/15ish was Les Miserables. I then found a different thing to hyperfixate on. This past year I have returned to Les Mis. Hyperfixations are usually pretty cool, because it’s usually something you really like and enjoy learning about or doing and it’s kind of like the thing your brain would rather be doing/focusing on.

Personally, I’ve lived so long without ADHD medication that I’m fairly functional without it just due to coming up with personal adaptations and stuff. The thing that I have the hardest time with/that upsets me the most is the Mush Brain part, which also gets worse when my depression gets worse. I really would love to have clear, quick thoughts whenever I want. It’s frustrating to hold a conversation or try to write creatively and quickly when it takes forever for thoughts to fully crystallize in my brain and then come out my mouth or fingers. Right now I don’t have very good health insurance (all blame to covid layoffs) so I can’t really do the meds thing but I often wish I could. My ADHD is definitely not as intense or severe as some people’s. I have friends, and also my brother, who struggle a lot more than I do, and with different things

Holy hell this was so long. Feel free to message me if you have any questions! Or if you want me to elaborate on some of the things I do to deal with stuff.

[ty-talks-comics]

Best of Marvel: Week of August 7th, 2019

Best of this Week: Absolute Carnage #1 - Donny Cates, Ryan Stegman, JP Mayer, Frank Martin and Clayton Cowles

God is Here.

The seeds have been sown all over the Marvel Universe for the re-emergence of Carnage in a big way for months. He’s had single back-up pages in The Avengers, Black Cat, Captain Marvel, Immortal Hulk and many others portending his arrival and the sheer amount of people and creatures that are now within his thrall. Everything is coming to a head and it is absolutely terrifying.

The book begins with Eddie Brock recalling the events of everything Donny Cates has written since he took over the character.and other past events that have ultimately shaped what will soon happen. Eddie tells his son Dylan, who doesn’t know that Eddie is his father, about Knull, the God of the Symbiotes, and how he’s being kept asleep by the planet of symbiotes surrounding him. The only way for Knull to be woken up is if someone collected enough symbiote pieces and DNA to reconnect to the hive mind and if Knull is reawakened, he will begin spreading a new age of darkness across the cosmos.

Eddie references the fights against the Dragon of Knull in the beginning of his run, but also talks about the other people who have held the Symbiote or symbiotes. He pulls so much history out in so few sentences, along with a stellar double page spread by Stegman that one might be convinced to check out other great stories just to see how deep the rabbit hole goes. Characters from Maximum Carnage are shown, heroes that may have been changed during Venomized and of course Captain America, The Thing and Wolverine from the amazing Carnage USA.

After Eddie recounts the danger that the two are in, they see that Eddie is a wanted man after killing many inmates at Ryker’s Island. Of course Eddie was never there and after suspecting that they’re being followed, Eddie tells Dylan that they need to make a break for it and they run away from their tail into the subway. Unfortunately for them, Cletus Kasady was lying in wait and pushes them onto the tracks, only for them to be saved by their tail; Venom. 

Eddie re-bonds with the symbiote after derailing the train and a new and terrifying Carnage confronts them. Stegman wastes not a single stroke in making Carnage look like a menacing force of pure psychotic evil. His teeth are jagged, his limbs are gangly with “skin” that looks like it’s constantly dripping with blood an his ribcage and spine are exposed, but covered in the same material. He could almost be considered skeletal if not for the pumping veins all around him. This is a Monster Carnage, even more terrifying than 2015’s Carnage series and many times more powerful.

Carnage, like most children of other symbiotes, has always been stronger than Venom. Though, with enough force and maybe some help, Carnage has always been defeated one way or another, but not this time. Kasady beats the ever living hell out of Venom, smacking him in the face and smashing him into the ground. He gets right on the cusp of killing him before Eddie grabs the third rail of the subway line and electrocutes the both of them, a temporary victory so that he and Dylan can escape. The symbiote puts Eddie into something of a coma while he heals the body and takes them to the one person that can help.

In a little diner where they think it’s safe, Eddie, Dylan and Spider-Man talk about what’s been going on. Spider-Man is taken aback and annoyingly jokes to Eddie about all of this being out of his league before a news report is shown depicting a mass grave of people that have had their spines ripped out, likely for the Symbiote DNA or Codices (plural for Codex) as Eddie calls them. After some chumps try to rob the diner, Spider-Man takes them out handedly while formulating a plan with Eddie, saying that Reed Richards could have made a machine to help remove the Codex from anyone that has ever been attached to a symbiote, but he would have needed to start long ago.

We then cut to The Maker, the Reed Richards from the Ultimate Universe that has taken up residence in the 616 Universe, as he’s actually been working on such a machine for use on Flash Thompson. The Maker’s goals and those of his employers are unknown and that makes for horrifying implications because there is no way that he is up to any sort of good at all and makes it clear that he too is trying to reunite the symbiotes.

Spider-Man shows up with Normie Osborn as the first possible test subject, but doesn’t want it to be used until he knows that it’s safe. Maker moans that if he has to be so sure, then he should find someone else with a codex, someone dangerous that Carnage may in fact go after next. Peter and Eddie get the same thought: Norman Osborn.

Norman had used the Carnage symbiote to become the Red Goblin not too long ago and after his defeat at the hands of Spider-Man, lost his mind and gained the memories and personality of Cletus Kasady. Things go to hell in a handbasket very quickly as John Jameson, the guard who let them into Ravencroft also known as the Man-Wolf, reveals himself as another of Carnage’s infected puppets.

Mayer then coats the book in an intense and overbearing red hue, signaling nothing but danger as Carnage throws pieces of himself into each cell. There are elements of body horror as he pulls these tiny bits of himself out of his chest and they burrow into the victims. Kasady’s mouth and eyes also seem to drip with his symbiote form as he and the other barrel down on Venom and Spider-Man. A giant and beautiful brawl ensues with the infected ripping and tearing at the pair. The mass of bodies overwhelm and Eddie almost begins to kill before being reigned in by Spider-Man. Unfortunately Spider-Man gets caught by Carnage.

It was around here that I had the realization that Pete and Cletus haven’t actually clashed in YEARS. Maybe as far back as 2011’s Carnage USA was the last time the two fought, so to see Pete finally see him again with half of his mask gone, there’s a small bit of fear in his body language. This is doubled as Carnage throws Spider-Man into Norman’s cell door, breaking it open to reveal a deranged Norman who appears to have been slicing himself with a piece of glass in his cell. With the combination of the bright red of his blood juxtaposed against the darkness of his cell, Norman stands out, not as the cunning genius that we knew him, but as another victim of Carnage and he smiles with mad glee.

Absolute Carnage #1 absolutely lives up to the hype that has been built for it. This story can expand so far and with the tie-ins that have been announced, I’m actually very excited. Carnage has been scary, but this is on a whole new level for him. You never quite know who is one of his thralls! Hell, John Jamson appeared to be completely normal until the trigger was pulled in him and turned him into another monster. Carnage has always been a problem for the larger Marvel universe whenever people have had to fight him individually. Deadpool had a hard time fighting him. Captain America, Wolverine, Hawkeye and the Thing almost died fighting him. Even when he was temporarily a good guy during AXIS, he was still horrifically dangerous.

With new god-like abilities, lack of weaknesses and unimaginable unpredictability, what can anyone do?

Ryan Stegman’s art needs to be absolutely praised as well. His lines are crisp and heavy in an almost perfect way. He manages to give things a darkness and depth to them that makes everything feel absolutely brutal, disgusting and weighty. He can capture faces of absolute terror, rage and every wonderful expression that Venom makes. Personally I love how emotive he makes Spider-Man’s mask with the eyes widening and shrinking with his surprise or incredulity. He also has a talent for spreads as there are about three really good ones that really shows his skill for depth of field. Venom and Spider-Man also look incredibly strong. We all know that I love muscular art and all of their muscles are accentuated through their costumes. Spider-Man has his lithe and athletic body and Venom is nothing but raw strength and I love it.

Absolute Carnage hit every correct note. There was violence, horror and even a little bit of family drama. The stakes are very high and while not on the same scale as War of the Realms, the sheer amount of murders caused and their horrifying nature is more than enough to be concerned about. Donny Cates looks like he’s going to do it again with his first big Marvel event (I think, I don’t really remember) and bring us all to another level of badass storytelling.

High recommend.

---------------------------------------------------

I have never been more interested in Moira MacTaggert than I am right now.

Runner Up: House of X #2 - Jonathan Hickman, Pepe Larraz, Marte Garcia and Clayton Cowles

I've always seen Moira as just another supporter of mutants that tragically had their life ended because of The Brotherhood's evil schemes. I loved that she supported Charles dreams and wanted to help mutants, but never actually knew that she herself was a mutant. She's always had something of a tumultuous history and this issue of House of X expands on that in the most amazing way and shows how important she truly has been in the advancement of the lives of mutant kind this entire time.

In her first life, Moira MacTaggert lived a fairly normal existence. She went to school, married, had kids and died at the rope old age of 78. Soon after, she woke in her mother's womb, capable of remembering everything that she had done in the past life. It was strange and she couldn't let on what she knew, but she knew that she was special somehow. It wasn't until she saw Charles Xavier on the news that it all clicked for her. When he said the word mutant, everything changed for her. She went to try and meet him, only for her plane to crash, ending that life. 

In her third life, she dedicated herself to biology and sought out a cure for the X-Gene, achieving as much only for it to go horribly wrong when Mystique and Destiny, a character who died in Fall of the Mutants (1988) and was last seen in Necrosha (2010), appear and murder all of her fellow scientists. Destiny tells Moira that she knows what her abilities are and that if she continues down a path that could lead to the extinction of mutants, Destiny will always be there to stop her. She tells her that the only path to stop this cycle of reincarnation is to do whatever she can to help mutant kind. 

As a reminder, Destiny has Pyro slowly burn Moira alive so that she never forgets what it will be like to die at her hands.

From here, Moira becomes a radical, leading lives that take her away from Xavier's dream and push her further into darkness. Everything becomes a lesson in repeating the past, however. At first she lives the normal life and history that we already know. Forming a school for gifted youth, the schism between Magneto and Charles, The X-Men and eventually Charles' and mutantkind's death at the hands of Sentinels.

In the life after that, she shows Charles her past lives and turns him into a radical, managing to take over America before Sentinels kill them again. The next sees her kill the Trask family line, only for someone else to design Sentinels instead. She aligns with Magneto or Apocalypse in different lives, all reaching similar or even worse endings.

Eventually, she realizes that there's only one path that she hasn't truly tried: Embracing the dream and making it real. This is the House of X timeline.

We've seen Moira passively protect mutants, but never engaged with Charles in a way that could truly help him. With knowledge of past events, the two can find a path forward that would not only save mutants, but propel their evolution farther. I believe that's why Charles has sought to UNITE everyone. Apocalypse, Magneto, Mystique, Mister Sinister, all of mutantkind under one banner to make the lives of all better. It's certainly a dream, but Moira MacTaggert is the linchpin that makes that dream a reality.

She's always been one of the X-Men's smartest and loyal friends. With her help, her genius behind Charles' vision there's no way that the House of X can fall. It's very telling that every path that utilizes violence or tries to eradicate one side has always lead to ruin. It's even more telling that even the peaceful path requires some bit of strong arming, but if that's what it takes to get humans to stop killing mutants, then it really doesn't matter. Charles will have peace between the two sides and Moira is more than willing to embrace this beautiful new path.

[seyaryminamoto]

I've been browsing your blog for Sokkla research as I feel like it has similarities to what I'm trying to write with Azula and Soren. I haven't begun tackling Gladiator yet, as it looks a little daunting, but I feel I should since I keep hearing so much. I am a little hesitant over accidentally using anything you wrote for my own story. I'd be proud if I could make it as long and epic as yours. It's very personal to me. What motivated you to write Gladiator and keep writing for so long?

Yeah, I saw your post about your crossover ship having potential similarities with Sokkla and I agree that it would, since Soren shares a few traits with Sokka, character-wise. Admittedly, Azula interacting with a character like Soren would present quite a lot of fun possibilities, so it seems to be an idea worth exploring :)

As for reading Gladiator and accidentally using similar tropes… well, I don’t know if it will ease your mind much, but there are several tropes that I’ve run into in many Sokkla fics, mine, other people’s, just… lots of them xD and it’s not really a problem. Storytelling can lead to similar places, but usually, every writer handles their tropes and character development differently.

My plan for a certain, poignant scene in Gladiator’s 96th chapter was set in stone in my head back when I started plotting the fic (like I said in that ask I answered yesterday). The scene in question is one I depicted in some artworks for Gladiator’s second anniversary: Sokka defeats Azula in combat for the first time, pins her down, aims his sword at her, and they just stare at each other before things take a pretty heated twist...

A few months after planning this, I read another fic where practically the same thing happened between them (it’s a Spanish fic, I hadn’t tried reading it yet because it was incomplete, sometimes I still scold the writer in question for never finishing it), only, rather than it happening when they could no longer resist the attraction between them, it happened when they were barely getting to know each other: Azula followed Sokka into a forest clearing, where he was training on his own. Upon noticing someone was hiding in the bushes, he leaps at her and pins her down, aiming his sword at her as well. Of course, he freaks out upon realizing it’s her, she isn’t very happy, and no heated things happen other than a lot of blushing, especially on her part xD

So, as you can see, even if the trope is “Sokka holds Azula down, at swordpoint”, the context was entirely different, the outcome was completely different and heck, the wording and even language we used was 100% different.  I came up with the idea for Gladiator before reading Majesty, later on I found out that someone had written a very similar scene already (and it was a close associate of mine, no less xD). As much as I didn’t feel like I was all that original anymore… I didn’t change my plans because of that. As long as I didn’t pull a Cassandra Clare and copy-pasted the whole scene my friend wrote into Gladiator, where was the harm in trying my own hand at it? I wrote the tropey situation in my own way, with my own words, and it’s completely my own thing.

There was something else that happened with Gladiator, another friend read it and thought I was taking inspiration for my portrayal of Sokka and Azula from a couple in a TV show she loved. Turns out I’d heard about the show, but I hadn’t watched it until she nudged me enough to do it (no regrets!), and after watching it I understood where the similarities were, but the context was all different. More than that, a certain situation (Sokka admitting his love for Azula for the first time, she asks him to say it again) was close enough to what happened between the main couple in said TV show…

… But I actually had been inspired by another couple, in ANOTHER TV show, that had a slightly similar exchange too xD

Therefore, tropes are tropes. I’ve recycled so many tropes in so many things I’ve written that people could probably psychoanalyze me and figure out all my brain chemistry damn easily if they did. I tend to have a very particular structure when writing, too (the original story I wrote and finished had 3 parts, Gladiator has 3 parts too, to name the most superficial similarity only), and I’ve frequently explored similar topics in them. It’s hardly a crime to do it again, but as long as you do it in a unique way, there’d be no harm in testing how some tropes would turn out with Soren and Azula. It could be worrisome if you portrayed Soren reacting to events exactly the same way Sokka does, but that’s not very likely to happen. As similar as they can be, they’re also different in several ways and in the post where you compared them you seemed to see those differences pretty clearly.

Therefore, I don’t think there’s any real harm in trying your hand at certain tropes and situations. If the context is different, if there’s logic to what you’re writing, and of course, as long as you write it yourself, there’s absolutely no need to worry about repeating things other people have done before.

That being said, don’t feel pressured to read Gladiator at all. I’m glad people have recommended it, but I understand if it feels not only daunting but that maybe you won’t be sure what to write if you see all the stuff I’ve done so far. Gladiator is many things, and one of them is my playground for testing Sokka and Azula’s relationship in just about every way I can xD it’s so long that I’ve been free to play with all sorts of possibilities with them, to fulfill all my shippiest wishes for these two. Therefore, if you’d rather be true to your own ideas and not get too influenced by it, it’s absolutely understandable not to read it until you feel comfortable about giving it a shot (presumably, once you’ve plotted plenty of own story and feel like you won’t be at risk of taking too much inspiration from it).

As for what motivates me… well, I guess there were many factors. One of them is that Gladiator was an idea worth digging into, with so much to explore that I was completely overwhelmed by the possibilities and I got completely caught up in it. The more I thought about it, the more I wanted the story to exist, so I decided I needed to make it happen. As it’s practically a full re-write of ATLA’s storyline, I had a chance to just… handle everything on my terms. And that meant the developments I didn’t like from the show could change: I could improve on things I thought needed improvements, I could add things that I felt the show needed, and so on and so forth. There were nearly no limits, really, and as I was absolutely lost in the beauty and glory of my OTP, I couldn’t help myself and I decided to dive right in.

It helps a lot that Gladiator’s kind of a multi-faceted thing: as I’ve been developing my art too, whenever I was bored in class I’d sketch things related to it and then, if I had a chance and the sketch was good enough, I’d finish the art digitally later. I have a lot of music that inspires me, so sometimes I just sit down, listen to it, and I let myself evoke scenes that I want to write or draw. Fact is, the whole fifth anniversary project was a mix of art and music: the songs that inspired many arcs of Part 1, along with images that referenced them.

Lastly, though… I generally know where Gladiator’s going, so I don’t usually reach a point where I’m like “Woah I have zero plans for what to do next”. I plot things for the story whenever I have nothing to do (when I’m traveling places, when I’m showering, when I’m waiting for something? Just, whenever, wherever). If an arc isn’t shaping up to be particularly fun, I try to figure out what to do to make it more interesting and appealing for me to write. Whenever I come up with something I’m hyped about writing, it helps me keep on writing until I get there. Sometimes that’s also a curse because I go overboard and write like… 12K in a single day because I am that hyped about whatever I’m doing :’D happened a couple of weeks ago xD

Anyways, always try to fulfill your own needs with your story, first and foremost. Sometimes your public won’t be 100% receptive to your ideas, but sometimes they’ll actually want exactly what you’re putting out there for them. The magic of fanfiction is that, if someone doesn’t like what they’re getting, there’s absolutely nothing to stop them from taking to writing a story they do want, right? So, why should we try to please other people instead of writing what we’d want to read?

Make your story something you can revisit and smile about, make your story something you can find value in, regardless of whoever tries to undermine it. Make it yours, make it everything you want it to be. Want humor? Set up humorous situations (I mean, your lead couple would be Azula and Soren, humor’s basically guaranteed xD). Want tragedy and angst? You can have it too. You really can do anything, as long as you make up your mind to get it done. Figure out what it really is you want to write, the key scenes, the development you’re looking for with your main characters, come up with plans on how to get them where you need them to be, and once you feel you’re in solid grounds for it, feel free to start writing and always keep on looking forward to the big things you’ve wanted to write for your fic.