#i am trying to gain weight again bc i lost a lot of weight nothing fits anymore

[nardaviel]

tw eating disorders, weight stuff, OCD

let me paint y'all a picture! there's an observed link btwn OCD and eating disorders. my OCD often centers around health. my mother died of (among eighty-seven thousand other things) diabetes complications, after managing it for my entire life, so despite the lack of a genetic link bc i'm adopted, i am Very Excruciatingly Aware of diabetes. this is all backstory

i had a whole years-long cycle of "your a1c is high enough that you have prediabetes" -> i try to find a way to eat that both addresses this and is sustainable -> it's not strict enough so i start eating badly again -> "hey your a1c is back up by the way" before i finally found a way to get it under control. that way requires extraordinarily strict measures in some areas, not so much because of how nutrition works but just because of who i am as a person and how my willpower works. for years i didn't eat any sugar, ever, at all (except for when i was in japan and bc of sensory issues there was almost nothing else i could eat bc like. what was i going to do, starve (but part of me was like YES???? which is the issue))

i lost a lot of weight like this, but that was a side effect, not the goal. people compliment me on my weight loss all the time and i hate it, bc it's a product of terror and constantly flirting with an eating disorder until i found something that worked. (don't compliment people on their weight loss unless you know they'll welcome it! my aunt lost a lot of weight when she was depressed and got compliments, people lose weight when they have cancer and get compliments, there are all kinds of reasons it could be a touchy subject.) but because i accidentally lost all that weight, it taught my OCD that weight is a marker of whether i'm about to get diabetes and fucking die. when 1. it's a1c actually and 2. you have a prediabetes period where you can get things under control, i've personally done that, and 3. you don't fall over dead the moment you get diabetes. i know all that stuff. but my OCD doesn't give a fuck

so as of like a year ago i have my doctor-approved plan of eating sugar three times a year. the past couple days i ate my gingerbread house and it was like. a transcendent experience. i don't even have that much of a sweet tooth, but when you mostly don't eat sugar it's amazing. ... but it also confuses your gut. so right now my gut is like "what the fuck did you just feed us?? what is this???? hello??" and so i'm aware of my abdomen in a way i'm usually not. and i'm just like. "i've gained thirty pounds over the holidays, haven't i. i can't eat anything but vegetables and whole wheat pasta for the next month, and i need to eat smaller portion sizes of those." i can feel how much fatter i supposedly am. i can see it in my face when i look in the mirror

all of which can lead me down a really, incredibly dangerous path if i let it. so i have to force myself to eat like i normally would, but it's so fucking scary. it feels like i'm poisoning myself. this has happened before and i'm sure it'll happen again, so i know that i'll get over it and feel better and i'll be really glad i did it. but for now i'm so miserable. it's all i can think about

[loved2]

221122

I’ll just say this month has been heavy as fuck.

My life has been so imbalanced since my birthday (oct 29) which has been frustrating to say the least bc i was very hopeful my birthday would bring more ease and just open up more paths for me. I’ve been putting in so much work this year and i feel more stagnant than ever at this point. It feels like all that work, time and energy has been put to waste. To make it worse, i’m very burnt out atm so i can’t even work on getting this sorted out lmao. Lost everything at the beginning of this year (literally) and it’s insane how i am continuing to lose things i didn’t even think were possible :s.

Anyway i’m so tired of changing, transforming, healing. But there’s no way around it i guess. I’ve been getting so many messages from others about the heavy energy atm. I’m hoping this new moon will lighten things up for us 🤍 I’m not going to recommend to work on yourself for the rest of the year or to complete the rest of your goals/plans or whatever. Just give yourself what you need. Even if it’s sitting around doing absolutely nothing. Let’s stop figthing to feel fulfilled and going after things that will give us temporary satisfaction. Listen to your body. Be kind to yourself. Let go of those fucking people if they’re weighing too heavy on you. Stop trying to be perfect or to “fix” yourself. Stop ignoring your emotions bc you’ve got shit to do. Maybe we just need to release everything instead of constantly taking on more.

Something that keeps coming up for me this week is “the body keeps score”. It absofuckinglutely does. Let us treat our bodies with grace please. With an influx of external energies the best we can do is be strong in our mind and body. The rest will come when it needs to. Let us be present. No more fighting for the future or concerning ourself with the past. It literally doesn’t fucking matter. What are we even here for if not this exact moment.

This time last year i was at my lowest of lows (seems to be a pattern lmao). I listened to Jessie Reyez - No one’s in the room (which i’ll recommend to anyone who will listen) everyday and journaled about it. I was taking 10K steps everyday bc i was going insane lmao. Helped me lose weight which i desperately wanted gone either way so i was happy about that. I was high almost everyday which allowed me to gain so much clarity. I built such a strong sense of self and i finally felt like i knew myself again. Also helped me to start planning for 2022 which went so well bc i started early and clearly knew what i wanted. So that extremely low period ended up giving my exactly what i needed.

This time around its different. I’m sober. Substances don’t give me the clarity i seek anymore so i don’t even do it for fun. I’m too tired to go on walks. People keep messing up my schedule and i can’t really say no bc of difficult (family) circumstances. Finally made some friends then realized these girls are just not a fit for me. Work is so draining and i have creative block. Healing is so heavy and it feels like its getting worse instead of the other way around. My health is terrible eventhough i’ve taken it so serious this year and got lots of consults. Even holistic healing isn’t going well. My family treats me like a slave and also doesn’t notice i’m crying for help but when do they ever lol. There is nowhere i can escape to. Not even my mind. I’ve been praying but it seems no one is listening. I wish my mother was still alive. My meditation practice feels so empty for some reason for the past 2 months. There is a lot to fix to say the least lmao. Either way i’m still optimistic about all of this. I don’t feel like venting everytime i come on here and i hate dropping all of this heaviness here so i’ll end it with this. I miss this space so much and i think i’ll come back soon. I’m using these 30 days to get back to myself in some way. I don’t know how it’ll go. Not working is not an option atm but atleast i’m not putting any deadlines for myself for the first time this year. No routine or plan or whatever. I’m just craving some shadow work maybe eventhough i do that all year long. Maybe a different approach this time. Also discovered i have a BAD food trauma which i need to get sorted out asap. I might also have magnesium deficiency bc no way i’m this depressed and tired. Also breaking ties with anyone who needs to go as if i have any ties to break at all. Doing whatever the fuck i feel like i guess. Trying to eat well. Hoping my meditation will go back to normal. Lots of journaling. Mirror work. Crying. Maybe i’ll do some reading if i can find the time for it. Baking, cooking. I’ll be spending most of day outside like last year but with my puppy this time 🤍 I’ve tried everything so this is my last hope lmao. I’m positive. I’m wishing you all the best my angels. Happy new sag moon, may this bring the expansion we’ve been waiting for 🐚 Btw my puppy’s name is Jupiter lol and her bday is nov 25! My little baby is turning one in a few days. I am going to cry. If there has been one highlight this year, it’s certainly her.

[oopsididitagaim]

My story (for me bc no one else cares)

I only remember having issues with eating like logically i know it was like 3rd grade it started (9y.o). My family was the healthy, we didnt eat junk food often, agt least in the beginning. Once we mioved and two more kids came about they became lax with their healthy ways but the damage and been done. Anytime we had the unhealthy food i was all in. Until i heard here comments about my body, that made me think twice. Then i was trying all the diets, but they ended up yo-yoing, until they didn't, By 6 grade i was losing weight, 7th i was fully skipping meals, school meant no lunch, then who needs breakfast, and so on and so on.by 9th grade i was at the lowest weight i had been in 5 years. Then my mum noticed, because of course she has to notice and so ‘recovery’ started. My weight quickly went down hill then, i was so low, so happy, so strong until i was hospital. It was horrible, they fed me like a f**ing pig, a week and already 3kg up.2 and it was 5. As soon as i left i got rid of that weight. And not too long after that i got sick and got to my lowest weight in 7 years, beautiful i thought, that was my UGW. But no if i stayed there it was in-patient. So i planned by then it was grade 11 so i gained a little, mostly in muscle, lotus of weight and lots of protein. By grade 12 i was maintaining a low weight. Until i broke, i f**inmg broke. I began binging and p**ging. Let it be known ive tried purging before (ofc), but it never worked i either got nothing or hardly anything. But this time years later it worked all right. And so i lost it i continued eating and ridding myself of it. Until once again my mother stepped in. And slowly through the last of my year (2023) ive gained sooo much. But i never stopped p**ging, i just hid it better. Still I’m dont want Mia I’m want all in Ana and thats what I’m going to do. My mum is off my back and I’m moving away in the end of April its my time to put it to work. Start small and make it bigger. I will lose the weight and get back to my goal. Just you see. I will make it happen. They said recovery is worth it, eating is good, you’ll feel better once youre at a healthy weight. Well i dont now and i dont plan to find out if i will later. I feel worse than ever, am doing worse both n mind and body and will change that.

Thats all, this is for me (idc who read).

You do you and I’ll do me.

[alovlovely]

Every New Year’s Eve I have hope and think to myself, maybe this is the year it happens and I will get a boyfriend, or have sex or at least get my first kiss. And every year I disappoint myself.

I was the closest I’ve ever been this year tho. I had a crush on a friend and told him, and he felt something for me. I still don’t know if he felt something romantically for me or only sexual attraction. But it doesn’t really matter, it was the first time anyone has ever felt more than friendly emotions towards me. I’m proud of myself that I confessed my love, even though I felt like he forced it out of me. It was brave of me. Nothing happened, which is good bc I’m kind of friends with his wife now. And I was never really in love with him, I just loved the way he made me feel. But even though I didn’t want anything to happen, it was still a disappointment that we didn’t kiss. Selfish of me, I know.

I also feel like I was close in another way. This spring I had lost a ton of weight. I felt attractive for the first time maybe ever. The above mentioned guy gave me lots of compliments, that also helped my self esteem tons. I felt like I had my social anxiety under relative control. Work was boring but it felt great socially. I liked my coworkers and they liked me. All this resulted in me going on my first ever tinder date. I looked so fucking attractive. The guy was an idiot unfortunately. And the next time I tried to go on a date I was ghosted. Since then everything has spiralled out of control and I haven’t opened tinder.

Out of control is the wrong word. My life being shit right now is mostly my own fault of course. Late that spring I applied for a new job in another city. For several reasons, mostly because of boredom. It took a very long time to get the job, so I spent the whole summer and half of fall being nervous and anxious about the new job. I gained a lot of weight back bc of emotional eating but also bc I had been starving myself for periods of time in spring. But that summer I also finally started feeling like that city and my apartment there was home. I had lived there for about two years at that point. When I finally got the new job, I didn’t want it. But I was a coward and didn’t turn it down. It was also a great opportunity for my “career”, so I would probably have regretted it if I turned it down.

I don’t think it was a bad choice to leave my former work. Even though the new one is worse in several ways(I couldn’t have known that)! I’m just so sad that I lost my momentum. I felt fine mentally for the first time in years. Even happy some days. Now I’m just ugly and sad. Not only am I overweight again(+gaining). My skin is horrible. It was so clear during the spring. A dermatologist told me that my skin will get worse if I’m stressed. And I was guessing that, bc ever since I started my new job my skin has been awful. And I don’t want to try to date when I feel this ugly. I know that’s just a dumb excuse that my social anxiety is making up, so that I won’t have to be in stressful situations. But dating is such an anxiety inducing and energy draining thing for me that I need to feel my best! So I have to loose 10 kg, fix my skin and stop being so horribly sad to even consider tinder again. And that won’t happen, since I don’t have any self control anymore. Better luck 2025 I guess.

[angelic-high]

I haven’t been on here in a WHILE. Little life update: I got back into therapy and back on meds. Back on Prozac but they raised the mg n on seroquel now. I’ve been recovering these past few months (idk how long I lost track) but I’ve been going to the gym and eating pretty okay. I’ve been bulking so I eat a lot. I’m at my highest weight ever (129 lbs) and I’m pretty happy with my body so far. Just don’t like the weight gain on my face or belly though. I’ve been going to the gym so I’m able to gain mainly muscle weight rather than fat weight.

I’m happy where I am but the holidays/cold weather make me wanna relapse. I miss 2019 me and it’s making me wanna relapse :/

But I’ve been doing good so I’m trying really hard not to.

Pros of recovery:

-I don’t get too cold anymore so I’m not shivering too much. I’m not cold around 70ish degrees anymore

-got my ass back

-my head doesn’t look hella big or as big as it did when I was skinny

-I eat whatever I crave if it’s there now

-I have more energy at the gym

-memory slightly improved

-I don’t cry over pasta at a restaurant anymore

-I get to eat a lot of cheese again lol

-I get to eat however much n whatever the fuck I want especially during the holidays

-I don’t get self conscious wearing tight shorts in fear of showing my flat ass

-there’s more but I forgot

Cons of recovery:

-fat fucking face and belly

-eating a lot and worrying if I’m eating too much or look fat eating so much

-wanting to relapse everytime I get into a depressive episode or mood swing or anytime I do anything wrong

-not being able to be that dainty magickal looking bitch bc I’m not skinny like that anymore

-needing to go to the gym or else this recovery means nothing

-if I don’t go to the gym that means I’m just gonna get fat I’m not gonna get muscle mass

-feeling like kaka if I don’t go to the gym

-needing to eat enough protein

-constantly worried I take up too much space

-people pointing out how my belly got big n how they never seen it like that before

-comparing my fat face to skinny faces

-constantly thinking about my skinny highs and a lot of the times missing my organized meals n cutting them into small sections or pieces

-missing how organized my food looked when I ate during my ED

-big fucking shoulders manly ass fucking shoulders

-questioning if I really recovered or just found a different form of an eating disorder or if my relationship with food or my body actually improved

-there’s more but I forgot

[vampyrluver]

weight mention //

i forgot i lost weight (health reasons) so my binder not only binds BETTER but is also less tight so this is a win win yayyyyyyyyyyyy i feel so good 

[jamesbukkakebarnes]

.

[stranger-nightmare]

𝐘𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐫

Pairing: Eddie Munson x (gender neutral) Reader

Summary: stressing about the future is no fun, so Eddie takes you on an impulse trip to remind you to live in the moment, to remind you of just how alive the two of you are

Warnings: pure unadulterated fluff

A/N: consider this an apology for my Save a Prayer fic lmao!! this was inspired by Younger by Imagine Dragons, I highly highly recommend listening to this song whilst you read, or just listening to the song in general, bc honestly it’s just amazing!! I was also rushing to finish this and post it asap so sorry if it’s not my best work, but anyways I hope this fic brings you some comfort and I hope you guys enjoy <33

!! vol. 2 spoiler in the a/n at the end !!

“What’s up, baby?” Eddie asks you softly, nudging your shoulder with his own gently.

You’d lost interest in whatever movie was playing a long time ago, drifting into a complete world of your own as your thoughts took over the entirety of your attention.

“Hmm?” You hum, still not even fully comprehending what Eddie had said.

He sits up next to you, turning the tv volume down a bit and then twisting so that he could face you. He brings his hand to rest on your thigh, his thumb moving back and forth in a small comforting gesture.

“I said, what’s up?” He repeats gently.

You blink a few times as you pull yourself out of your reverie. You rub your eyes with your fists as you try to get the real world back into focus. You were also trying to hide the tears that had been threatening to spill for nearly half an hour now.

But there was no hiding from Eddie; he just knew you too well.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” You looks at you earnestly, dipping his head down so he could meet your eyes. “Was the movie really that bad?” He jokes lightly, bringing a tiny smile to your face.

You sniff as the tears finally break through. You shake your head.

“No. Honestly I wasn’t even watching it” you admit in a small voice. “I’m sorry, I just have so much other stuff on my mind” you can hear the sadness in your own voice, it was laced with something like defeat.

“So tell me” Eddie shrugs.

You let out a huff of air, shaking your head slightly.

“It’s all stupid anyway, mostly overthinking things I guess, it’s dumb” you ramble quietly, trying your best to look and sound casual.

“Tell me anyway” he pushes gently.

He looks at you so earnestly, with such softness and tenderness in those big dark eyes of his. You feel your heart swell and the tears brim in your eyes. You shrug and shake your head again as you speak softly.

“It’s just stuff about the future. Like what am I actually gonna do with my life once I finish school? Like where do I want to go next, what do I want to do, who do I want to be. I also have my parents’ expectations to try and live up to, and… I don’t know. It all just feels so big, so overwhelming. I feel like I need to have my entire life planned out already or something. Like there’s just no time, no room to breathe” you ramble quickly, the words leaving your mouth faster than your brain had time to make sense of them.

Eddie just nods and says nothing for a second as he takes in all your words.

“Wow, that’s a lot” he finally agrees after a moment.

“Yeah I told you it was dumb” you wring your hands in your lap awkwardly.

Eddie takes his hand and places it over yours, stopping you from fidgeting with them. He squeezes your hands gently.

“That’s not what I said, I just mean it’s a lot. It’s heavy stuff” he shrugs lightly, his thumb stroking the back of your hand reassuringly.

“Honestly it feels like a massive weight sitting on my chest. Like it’s only a minute away from crushing me all together. Like the stress of it all is literally taking over my body” you feel your lower lip start to quiver, a waiver in your voice.

“Being an adult, or I guess nearly being an adult, sucks huh” he chuckles softly, gaining the smallest of smiles from you.

“Hmm, take me be back to when I was younger” you muse quietly.

“Oh if I could, I would, my love” he lifts a hand to stroke your face gently. “But, if you think about it, we’ll never be younger than we are right now,” he raises an eyebrow at you, “so let’s go live like it, even if it's just for tonight”

You shake your head questioningly at him.

You suddenly see a mischievous gleam in his eyes, his lips tugging with a smirk. He’d just had an idea, you could see it plainly in his face.

“Come on, let's go” he wiggles his eyebrows at you before getting off the couch to stand in front of you.

“Uh, go where?” You half laugh in confusion.

“Nowhere. Anywhere. Everywhere” he whispers dramatically.

“It’s already past midnight you know...” you hesitate meekly.

But Eddie just extends his arm, holding out his hand to you.

“Do you trust me?” He continues with his melodramatic tone.

Despite your uncertainty at what he was up to you you nod, and place your hand in his. His fingers wrap around yours as he gently pulls you up off the couch.

“Good, then let’s go!” He winks, dragging you out the trailer.

---

Eddie grins practically the entire drive. His hand rests on your thigh as he drives, his thumb still keeping up the small reassuring stroking motion.

“Eddie, where are we going?”

You’d tried to work out where you were but dark country roads mad pit difficult to tell The only things you could see being fields, bushes, and the night sky. It was as if there was no one that existed right now but the two of you.

Eddie just grins even wider but keeps his eyes on the road.

“I told you baby, nowhere and everywhere” the dramatic tone returning to his voice. “Just trust me,” he adds a bit more seriously, “we’re almost there.”

You sigh but still can’t help the smile that plasters your face.

True to his word, not five minutes later Eddie is slowing down and pulling off to the side of the road. He drives through a small gap in the bushes that lined sides of the road. Eddie parks his van and quickly jumps out. A second later he’s round your side, opening the door for you. He bows and holds his hand out for you as if you were a princess stepping out of a carriage. You giggle and roll your eyes as he helps you down from the van.

You step round to the front of the car and can’t help the gasp of awe that leaves your mouth when you take in the view in front of you. You keep hold of Eddie’s hand, feeling him give you a light squeeze, as you stare wide eyed at where he’d taken you.

You were in a wide and open field that seemed to run on for miles. Just off to the left was a lake, with the most beautiful willow tree leaning just on the bank. Above you the night sky was alive. The stars shone so bright they almost didn’t look real. The complete lack of light pollution meaning they were free to burn in their full glory. The full moon shone just as brightly, letting you have just enough light to appreciate the scene in front of you. You look over to see Eddie grinning at you like a proud child.

“Eddie” you breathe, almost speechless. “This place, i- it’s...”

“Pretty cool right?”

You shake your head in slight disbelief. “I don’t think there’s a word magnificent enough to describe it.”

“Mhmm” he nods his agreement enthusiastically.

He goes to to walk further into the field, tugging on your hand. But you hesitate and pull back.

“But what exactly are we doing here Eddie?” You ask sadly.

“We,” Eddie starts as he comes to stand in front of you, his hands on your upper arms. “We are here to just get away. To live in the moment, to be free. No worries, no stresses, no future. Just here, just now. Just you and me.”

You look at him doubtfully.

“Come on” Eddie winks at you and tugs at your hand again..

“W-what?” You stare at him confused. “Where are we going now?”

“Just trust me” he winks again, pulling on your hand again until he gets you to move with him.

He starts to walk quickly, pulling you along with him, heading in the direction of the lake. But before you know it he’s running, dragging you along with him. The two of you were suddenly racing towards the lake, sprinting at full speed. You can’t help but laugh at the absurdity of it all. You and Eddie running at full speed, hand in hand, in the middle of some field in the middle of the night.

You feel the night air whipping against your face, surging through your lungs, the air so cold it almost burned. All of it contrasting with the warmth of Eddie's hand in yours. The air fills with the sounds of the two of you giggling like giddy school children during recess. The only accompanying sound was the stomping of your feet as you continued to race into the night.

Eddie lets go of your hand just as you reach the edge of the lake, leaning over to rest his hands on his knees as he pants to catch his breath. You do the same, both of you still laughing even through your breathlessness. Eddie’s face is split with the biggest smile you think you’d ever seen as he looks back to you.

After a second, Eddie takes one long stride over to you and cups the back of your head with his hand. He’s then crashing his lips against your own. He kisses you breathlessly, messily, intensely. Your mind spins, both from the run and from the brisk air swirling around you. His hands wrapping around your body feel almost feverishly warm, and you keen into his touch. You can still feel the smile in his lips, his warm breathy laughter washing over your face even as he tries to keep kissing you.

When he pulls away he’s got that grin on his face again, but this time it’s laced with an edge of mischief.

“I have another idea on what might help with all those troubling thoughts running through your perfect little head,” he kisses your forehead quickly, "but you’ll have to trust me again, ‘kay?”

“Okay...?” You look at him quizzically.

“Okay” he nods, placing a kiss to the tip of your nose before letting you go and moving to take a few steps away from you

He then turns to face the lake, rolling his shoulders and cracking his neck, as if he was preparing for some kind of physical altercation. You narrow your eyebrows at him, completely lost on whatever the hell he was getting up to.

Eddie takes a deep breath before he suddenly just screams into the dark of the night.

His voice bellows into the quiet of the night, echoing across the lake. His scream fades as he runs out of breath and soon the only noise is Eddie laughing like a child.

“Jesus, what the hell was that?” You balk at him.

He turns his head, that ridiculously big smile still adorning his ridiculously beautiful face.

“That was cathartic as fuck! That’s what that was” he laughs. “Come on, your turn.”

“Oh, n-no, no I don’t think so” you shake your head at him, hugging your arms around yourself.

Eddie just nods rhythmically at you as he walks back over to you, hugging you from behind and wrapping his entire body around you.

“Mhm yes I think so, come on” he kisses your cheek. “Just let it all out.”

"Don't worry, no one can hear us from here, I promise” he continues when you don’t respond for a second. "You’re all good, just let out all those worries and stresses, baby. Shout them into the night sky, let them be gone!”

He steps away from you again, giving you space. He opens his arms in a ‘go ahead’ gesture. You look at him, unsure, but he just smiles and nods encouragingly.

You take a deep breath, rolling your head to crack your neck; “fuck it” you exhale.

You give Eddie one final glance. His enthusiastic nodding gives you the final push of confidence you needed.

And so you scream.

You scream with everything you have. You let all your fears and worries be expelled from your mind, from your body, hurling them into the night with your voice. Your head starts to feel clearer, nothing mattering other than the cold night air and the burn in your chest.

Eddie was right, it was cathartic.

Eddie quickly joins in from behind you, screaming and whooping into the air. You both scream until your lungs just can’t take it anymore, until your body had no sounds left to give, save for your laughter.

“Yeah that’s it baby!!” Eddie whoops proudly, clapping like an idiot.

You squeal when he suddenly picks you up from behind, holding you against him and lifting your feet off the floor. He spins you about half a turn before the two of you fall into the soft grass together, both of you practically dying from giggles.

You’re both still laughing a minute later when you finally roll over to face him. You bury your head in his chest as you slowly start to calm down from the all the giggling, finally starting to catch your breath. Eddie still chuckles softly even as he brings his hand up to rub your back, holding you against his body. For a second you forgot you were the middle of a field; it was just as if he was holding you like usual when you were in bed together.

You place a soft kiss to his throat before you roll to lay just beside him, nuzzling into his side. You rest your head on his shoulder as his hand still runs up and down your side gently.

You look up at the glittery night sky, at the awe-inspiring beauty of the full moon. Everything you were stressing about seemed suddenly small and insignificant. How could anything possibly worry you when you had this perfect view and Eddie beside you?

You feel a tear prick your eye, but this time it’s of happiness. A tear of gratefulness for this idiot you called your boyfriend at your side. Your idiot who knew exactly how to cheer you up, even if his methods were somewhat ‘out there’. Eddie knew there was no point giving you some big speech about how everything was gonna be okay, to not stress about it, etc. He knew it would do you no good. Your brain would continue to linger on it regardless of what he said. No, Eddie knew that what you needed was distraction. And that’s exactly what he’d provided.

“Thank you for this” you mumble softly.

Eddie shakes his head and rubs your back a lil harder.

“Don’t even mention it sweetheart” he places a kiss to your forehead.

The future didn’t seem so daunting now. Didn’t seem so immediate. Because for now all you cared about was here and now.

All that existed was this infinite moment with Eddie.

Masterlist

A/N: tagging my darlings @siempre-bucky and @chaoticvigilantes bc I know they're in need of the Eddie comfort right now :’) this was 100% a self-indulgent comfort fic bc I am also stressing about my future and also I needed the comfort of Eddie still being alive lmao! I hope you guys liked this <3

Taglist // Join My Nightmare Realm // Ko-fi

[pndnj]

Cathartic- Yellow Metal Lyrics

Heres where I am with the lyrics, I referenced @25Goldenn on twitter for some of it that I couldn’t comprehend. 

*music*

0:23

Dark matter, like painted splatters, they fit better, the old saying, the way it goes, better the devil you do then you don’t know. I hit pedals and switch levers, my heart metal, I can't settle, im part trouble, they are not subtle. I fuck good so fuck cuddles, burst bubbles the thrist levels at new heights, i down doubles, and got baked til I felt high, my face puzzled, felt muddled, far strung and your floors woodent, the thought might but the fit wouldn’t. A fortnight

0:46 - 1:00

And I thought right, it’s all bark and no bite, I’m Tony Stark still embarking on a dream, took a bit of time to take darkness from the team. Seen what I saw. Heartless on the sleeve. Tried to burn my wings, so I put them in a piece on my chest , at peace no rest.

1:00-1:15

Flipped this on it’s head. Rip the script up now, flip it don’t pretend, slipping shit again, Fakers all around me, I’ve been living in pretense. Fake friends won’t make amends. There’s no need, these mean comments control the scenes. Attentionseekers, the spine is weakened

1:15-1:24

This family needs, what a family needs, and the planet bleeds, the damaged trees. It’s never leaving til we ascend so fuck the fence, and until they stop killing colour it’s fuck the feds.

1:22 - 1:44

You must be off it, I mean it, you know you ain’t never get with the judging and I used to dread growing my beard too long, never felt I belonged, but it's really long like a minute I ain’t looking to no mans for the limits, They’re feeling timid, I’m telling them who they mimic, why they don't look like a clinic …. Why they don't get no women, Still, we’re just fucking girls, Lost in the wrong world, Jurassic, now to this vermin

1:41-  1: 50

Kicking the game I’m serving, these losers are never learning, my fire is forever burning, adding it to my fuel, seems like I’m always focused on never becoming you, These locals that rob us feeling … was for a reason.

1:52-2:02

I’m seeing my new beginnings, watch out this loser’s winning, and no water is too deep to swim in Like I’m about to see a killing, I’m all the way that and living, flawless and feeling lawless, the prison now to the gimmicks, my vision is set to something,

2:03-:2:20

I’m watching you bitches plummet, no matches here for my cunning, you rappers are feeling done in, switching your genre, running and Running your jaw, stunting, pulling at straws, something  I think you’re a poor effort, deaf and tone deaf and I ain’t treat you separate. Living, I’m in my element, riding it like a … never lose me to fentanyl, scared when I take a benadryl. Keeping it green in general

2:20- 2:46

Think that you remain irrelevant. Look at yourself with reverence, hoping to always elevate. Celibate of these thoughts, killing themselves with sedatives. In comparison to eminem, you’re feeling feminine. Impolitically correct, still dropping on my dick. And I never gave a fuck about what they say abt my shit, I’ve been moving things in my mind like it’s this mountain dew Memories have made me wonder if one day I’m after you. What’s the purpose that you do, is what you're hoping that they learn, i’d like to say i’m done but it’s getting up on my nerves

2:46 -2:55

I’m looking at my life, saying what do I deserve. It’s hard to say I know when I’m walking through the dirt. Talking while you’re nothing I can see for what it’s worth. I’m tired of feeling hurt and I’ve tried enough but nothing works.

2:55-3:40

I’m racking up excuses while I’m slacking off on work. Chit chatting is the usual, talking to this clerk, i beg you don’t include me. I might write it on my shirt so everytime they see me, the oldest know to swerve. SWERVE Life is potent, bits of fucked shit… till they took notice weren’t  no hocus pocus, it was hard work that got me heard so i put in the graph like google maps but the whole earth

… around my door mat, taking over like the drones, rolling dirt up in miles like the water, and exploding like Annas hematoma. Don't need to see a slammer to know that I don't want to go man

I’m a showman. I’m just focused on the drama… like i’ve got my own insurance, show myself the pain, like i boxed it in the frame, if we’re about to talk greatness im great, the way you have to say my name like beyonce

“Say my name”

4:00-4:46

Just a bum with a cigarette, sun coming up, all my thoughts on the internet. Feeling deep, I’m just bored with the silhouette single sec,  get fucked up for the thrill of it . killer streak playing Pacman. Like I came from the Philippines vanilla bean still a thing for the thrill of scene,

Theres a beam, UFO, Leave it well alone  I aint moving, stood still on the peloton, telephone and its always on the dial tone,  it's been a while since i’ve smiled at a milestone, seen a big pile in my mind stone, me against the world on my Jack Jones, Like I’m John Jones, With pictures in the condo, far from John Doe, in the ___, like I'm Johnny Bravo, got pravado, with a small dick sitting in golados, feeling far gone, cuz that last hit was the good shit, was that stay lit

4:48-5:02

You can never take my shit come and get me. On the top floor,  cloud 9, fading, never bailing, felt amazing, inhaling, til my lungs two guns blazing. Overcome all the stunts that I pulled. A suit of just skin and then wool

5:02- 5:17

This life doesn’t give you no armour, a lot of myself can harm ya. I swear on what’s good, that I’m here till they take me. I pray that I’m wrinkled, at least over 80, and start moving like a ruler, ?damaged? Like a computer going fast, bars from the jeweler, bring the songs to the beach in hopes of finding tuna

5:18-5:36

…

5:36- 6:16

Grab a bat, lose my rag. Couple things got me mad, a couple people got me wrong and now I’m changing up the swag. Coming in and stealing it, I might take the whole bag. Feeling undefeated, I’m a beast with a reason, and imma lead the whole pack. Fearless like I’m Caesar, I’m just waiting for a chance to fill it up with diesel, and all I've been achieving is clocking miles in its region, moving like a legion.

Promise that I made to myself an allegiance. Do you still believe I’m a fool for ever leaving, staring at the ceiling, can never put a cap on achieving. I’m just here for the rap, then I’m leaving.

I’ve had about enough of being my own enemy, it’s time I grew up,  a long way from 17. Always went against the grain, struggles in my life. Got some things to say when I stand up on a mike.

6:16-6:32

I ain’t dropping this for fame, I need this time, like therapy, it’s just to keep me sane. The truth is on my medicine, can’t put that on your plate.

Speeding into everything, bout time I fixed the brakes. Don’t say I can’t communicate , you know I conversate with you in several different ways. And I know you know it’s references, looking at your face.

6:33- 6:53

Can’t justify mistakes, like every man that made them, seems I ain't  the one to blame. Lying to myself, only had so much to gain, so now I’m switching up the plate, see if that affects the place, im at on most days

I ain’t going with the usual so they looking at me strange. Confused, I can feel it all,  I’m here to make a change. It’s cold at 3am outside, I’m walking with the dog, thanking god that you don’t talk at all, my mind is switching off

6:54-7:12

Driving down to find myself, cuz I’ve been getting lost, lived this selfless life and found I can give a toss. Lessons that I’ve learned I’ve tried teaching to myself. What I’ve learnt from certain people is that they’re better than myself.

So I surround myself with real ones, and you feel the plastic melt. Like burning toy soldiers that used to go up on the shelf. Recycle the ideas, conveying on the belt

7:14-7:29

.. circus, always hurting the way we felt? Embarrassed that we dreamt of bigger things and letting go of notions till we feel them in cement

Tired of only hoping, we feel broken men. Cuz the gravity is weight and has kept us to the ground, see the only people speaking with favors in their mouths

7:46-7:58

Got killer rhymes… no fillers, like godzilla, eating clouds cuz my smokes thicker, throat licker, my dope sicker, bringing people their hope like im the pope slicker,  i hope you’re getting the point cuz i walk quicker

I thought my city was shit bcs I want bigger like my zipper couldn’t zip up fed up with the…my love is fickle.. Residual age has a primitive face

I see demise for your limited ways, Left it to simmer, simmer away…a fake glimmer in the haze

8:09-8:11

Feeling trapped this industry is a cage

8:34-8:50

Nobody’s speaking the truth, I’m offended by the State. Look at the state of the news, I’ve decided the argument, reciting my views, while they’ve been sat in their chairs, I’m feeling pressure to choose.

Standing here as one man, how can I do half when you’re half the person I am. If it wasn’t in your life, you didn’t choose it. It’s the funny thing about music. It’s the pain and beauty of it.

8:52-9:11

Don’t give a fuck what my suit is, it looks good so I wear it, better than the shoot that People’s wearing, changing the whole narrative for these basics and scarcity

Been facing the racists from back when i were a kiddie .born up in in 93’. been living in Bradford City..kicked me out of the schools, they had a problem with me hitting the kids that would call me p*** still sitting in the classroom chilling, and i'm angry now that I’m older I see they treat us different

9:12-9:25

got me thinking I’m the problem cuz they never dealt with those issues.

20 years later I’m still in the same boat, tryna treat me like my grandpa, say I came up off the boat. Came to tell you what I stand for, man I think you’re shit, a joke. How can I be civil, when they got me by the throat

9:25-9:35

Pushing my feelings down, you ain’t got it like them

‘Boy your skin is so light’, ok motherfucker take my name up on a flight. Try to convince immigration that your bloodline’s half white.

9:35-9:45

I don’t know how that’s acceptable, when life is more susceptible to perception, be the death of them. I’ve been looking at the sky saying where’s that day of reckoning, you had your prophets right when they say that you would speak to them.

9:45-9:55

I need justice in this life and I trust that it’s my fight, cuz when I’m writing it feels right to have them focused on the facts again. Focused on the rap again, hoping for the change, gunna put this on the map again

9:55-10:16

Writing in all caps again, the pain, it goes through me so I write the letter. All the shit that could have brought me but made me better.

I’m at home with a pain in my soul , yeh rap… cuz you know I was too real to contest it, my time was invested. Now I look at the industry, I see it infested, looking like kids who would write on nesquik.

10:17-10:29

My name ain’t on the list unless they label it ethnic.

I ain’t never gave a fuck about these jokers and jesters. Ain’t no answers for these things, so just save us the questions, man allowed of violence, cuz my silence is deafening, your opinion stinks, somebody get him a breath mint.

10:30- 10:42

Start to understand why they think that I’m threatening, I move in certain ways, couldn’t slow me with ketamine Now they all wanna hear me, got a table at letterman. Direction changed, like I changed up the lettering. Don’t believe the age ,bcs I move like a veteran.

10:42 - 10:47

Raised on the benefit for whose benefit, they’ll never learn shit, man, if the shoe fits.

…no words coming out when you open your mouth

And to be honest, it’s insulting, offensive to my wounds that have been salting. Tryna ask me questions that they know I never answer. I’d rather sit online and reply to the fan art

11:00-11:06

Fuck a sports car, coming through when i rapped

tell you what I like, farm life and the tractor

11:06- 11:17

Fake life, 'sup online, suck a fat one. You don’t wanna buy into that, none of that son. Sitting in the garden 98’ in the Datsun,  seen some hot summers but I still remember that sun.

*music*

11:51- 12:34

I make millions off of my pain, cause I know a few millions still living that way

Dealing with the hurt, they should know cause they don’t deserve it, it hit deep cause i hit the nerve. Only way that the sheep learn if the street firm, in my ways I don’t wanna change, everything just stay the same

Who you tryna convince you understand, cant maintain, let the lights dim some,  get the Chow Mein, flex, get the tape, right up at night

Why these men be nice to my face, be nice,  i ain’t tryna be a gangsta ruins my vibe

Rather be low-key and on my phone. Never need the trophy or the show piece

Never show peace in a North Face fleece. Show kids this like i wrote my flip

Cause the sign might fit till the start i’m sick

12:37-13:05

Now you see where I come from, the world don’t. Only achievement in this life is the Jordans. Committing petty crimes out of boredom, we can’t afford them. So I stole it, need a rolex

Go make sense, get yourself a job, It’s a poor man’s game tryna sit and pray to god, he ain’t sorting out your problems, gotta sort them out yourself

Used to tell us fables, now I’m writing them myself, Cause we raw like animals we all just need some help

Cathartic, I’m an artist, trying to put my heart in

Felt double crossed like Leo in Departed

13:05- 13:27

For the knowledge i’m not charging see I got it all free

But my hunger kept me starving like i’m feening for the feed

I just Need a reason to see me bleeding for my creed. Trick you with the words like I keep em up my sleeve. Picking where I fit, I see me sitting with the queen

I ain’t doing it unless you’re used to saying please

Let me flow a bit, before I sting 'em with the bees, They tryna kill us with disease

(Music)

13:34- 14:12

Why does it feel like they had the same notebook and the same four looks

Like the rain won't touch on their face, so sus when they lie don’t trust not a minor

Please no fuss, I just move through the game like must

Something in the way i adjust till i stick, Free falling like the ship, free fall till i bust

Remember 21 brother gave no fucks. Trying to project when they give them looks

In the projects, in the objects us

In my own way, never gave me love, shoulda never started this, broken hearted kid

Dried up the feeling till I stole the lid

Don’t wanna relish in the fame but I can’t resist

14:46-14:58

I like the way we feel, I like the way, I like the way

Ain’t no mistake, i am a being

I ain’t tryna be a leader, been selling out since Jesus

All my rhymes are for the readers, between the lines, like Father time, I fuck Mother Nature

14:58-15:40

That’s what they get, the connotations. Tell 'em I lived a life, and then I lived a life of adjacent? like its…. and played it patient.

Alone on my own spaceship, always tryna find greatness, still defying lines, but I’m fighting in my prime.

Shining light like Kylo while imma kill it all the time. Aging like I’m wine

Asian in my face, but still my race you can’t define. Focused on defiance, imma fight it while it’s life.

Started something sick and on my mind is what’s next, just became a dad so now I’m taking all the cheques. Better know I’m staying and paying like it’s debt. Imma get it done, if it’s taking all my breath, sweat, and down I ain’t messing around til I’m the best

Speaking in full sentences, shoulda thought about a strategy before you went at the stratosphere about this… rings around Saturn, this ain’t a battle, I’m sat, I’m here

15:40-16:22

Catch me doing magic, hired and sounding tragic I think you could use practice and until that you get the blacklist and pull like a … actress? Fooling them like a catfish, schooling like a legend, happy to be the reference, fusing like iridescence, leaving them all guessing, leaking out of my brain like a pipe I aint fixing, shining like a star you can see it from a distance

Aint many of me around p*** I’m just different Certain stages to this level aint here because fame is to the devil fuck a label, imma do this from the ghetto, clean up like Im Dettol

I’m the man to put a bet on, sight smart like a weapon,  this is my kind of setting, i write the world I’m sat in, while these others live on hype, i see them fight in how they type, the fruit is ripe for the taking, i think i might

16:22-16:57

Let me take you away from here, Let me take you away from here, Let me take you away from here

16:58- 17:47

Eccentric things are mentioned like a kid stuck in detention tryna escape im just spitting what is written on the next page, spitting image of my dad in his young days

Born sinner when i’m livid i say fucks sake

Don’t worry i’m too cunning with no plumbing, the waterworks, i sung something that resonates, i thought it first like giving birth to the parrot perch

They see me do it and they know it works

Don’t know what’s worse: the way that you live your life or the way that you write a verse

You’ll be nervous, you don’t deserve it we’ll scratch the surface ill leave a crater, lift the dirt up to find the hurting

Can’t know for certain nothing is guaranteed, tryna be a better person than the world deserves to see cuz i see a lot of sharks still swimming in the sea

Cease and arrest what’s the reason.. And these the kinda kids we bringing up next

Distorted reality, all they needed was family, too hard to face, to see what the damage is

17:47

*i don’t wanna be, i don’t wanna be, a part of this, no, i don’t wanna be, i don’t wanna be, a part of this, *

18:04-18:38

Sometimes they ask the questions too deep to form a sentence, to disform, is this the norm, is this the sentence i feel defenseless i played the setlist, and all my sweat blood and tears, forgot to mention feeling lost, going off into different sections i feel like love wrecked it

If it’s not a drug why am i waiting for the next fix, affected, i cant believe that you left this

I guess I leave for the best wish, moving on like im fine for the lectures

We see it all from spectrums, cuz if we’re falling down we can fall down together

Staircase to heaven, mirror down the middle like 11, resentment on one side it won’t settle

18:38- 19:14

Mind fried but taking sense, they aint got a sense of themselves in the rich ends

Need to spell it out for them.. Made for them so witness

I know you feel afflicted but you always love it with me while im laughing at you, ya think you’re laughing with me

I try to (i love you) but im grown so they don’t fit me, my body thrown from the new to this old city so Im sick of sitting on my own, feeling so shitty, i’ve been on roads where its cold and the snow hitting

Its okay to be yourself, sit and talking to myself

I’ve been walking for the longest, just need a little rest, know i ain’t the strongest, I can feel it in my chest, talking about my feelings and of me, they get the best

19:14-19:59

They aint leaving, seeing breathing in my breath

Till death do us part is just seeded in my heart, like a work of art

Never winning,im just scared

Cant begin from the start, do i play a part in the rhythm of the night

I guess i’m onto something cuz the dark is feeling right

Every cloud got a lining, put my own miles  in, like moralis, figured that they’re jealous, that they could just never tell us to change because the weather never made me question whether or not i’m not that level

Got rid of all the bullshit sitting in my way, most of them are full of shit i see it every day

I do hearing the same things that i do, maybe that shits hitting like haiku

How much do you pay for them to hype you

Recycle your flaws but they aint like new, leaving and conceded and full of diesel like engines that need a cleaning, the ending will be revealing. Even though we ain’t raising the facts, now we been facing.

20:01-20:52

The cactus with spikes, needing spaces. Different faces, the same story. A full body like straight body direct to your system.

Could never tell 'em we missed’ em. Not even with the thoughts, we gift them. Cuz they just take advantage, guess we are caught in a system.

My soul pouring out details of borrowed time, had enough of a fill, this is for sorrow time. I’m seeing visions of Heaven, I seen the severed line, between the gospel they speak and when theyre telling lies.

Remember telling a friend of mine, you’d sent of mine, identified like a 3rd eye. Got a habit of knowing now where the dirt lies. So benign. I ain’t sober after 9, so I fuck their minds. Why you flipping out, see another

Try to rep it from the city, fuck a chiller crew, repping for the nittys, trying to keep us down, raised on the social, don’t want to let us out of the system. Me, I insist we assist them, me alone putting shifts til I lift them

20:53-21:12

I know it’s hard, that’s why I like it, I’m fit to fight it, I’m from the North, I’m backing Tyson, it’s been decided, don’t see no light. They needing guiding, just redefining, realizing, I’m realigning, in full finance, they stay silenced.

Can’t be louder, I’m juiced up with no powder. I fix shit like a slick spanner. Gone green like Bruce Banner. So free Gaza on my banner

21:12-21:51

The real McCoy, I ain’t nothing to toy with, signifying peace like a Japanese Koi Fish. How did this happen, we’re moving backwards in our timeline, killing us with cyanide, Right up for the freedom 'til we transform like Ironhide

This is bout my feelings, the way that I move affects the fate that I’m sealing. Can’t say nothing, with that something being on the page, kept inside the pen like the bars that have been kept caged. See I always had a plan, since I was young, we had nothing man

Now it’s been a few years since I ain’t seen the fam, on foreign lands. Bout to climb Everest in the avalanche. Right into the riddles as soon as you were born. Never asking the question cuz it’s the norm. See I’m in a questionin’ session

21:52-22:03

Like the manner got a method to teaching a lesson, listen to MF Doom, he taught me like Ra’s Al Ghul. Felt like living in Gotham, the people were rotten. Still we play cartoons so it’s never forgotten.

22:03-22:15

Chilling at the top but we came from the bottom. Writing and jottin for them life by, spotting the difference

*Dreams, was growing out of me, sun promising that tomorrow it will rise, time playing games with my mind, I swear it will pass us by

Train goes on the tracks, smoke, I’m tired to hide my thoughts, so blinded in flames, Don’t know where we’re going, I have no way of knowing, only see what’s in my head

Can’t we wait a minute, so we can savour this, It’s on my brain again, these days, It on my brain again these days”

23:10-23:46

They’re hating on Palestine ways, The oh no Palace playing Prince on the Steinway, Sending out mind waves, stop them like crimewaves, Freedom fighter, Yellow Metal is my name

Like vipers, I see the sly ones, the snake that’s called Biden, none of them abiding what they might put in writing

We should be used to it by now, say whatever for the vote and then just choose another route, say they’d never kill another unless that brother’s skin is brown

I’m just telling you the facts, if you can’t take it, the truth naked, to bare bones and my thoughts lately, spitting politics.. Done ain’t it, Shit just gets me vexed, and now I’m sitting that I think of it

23:45-23:59

Feeling on the brink of it, whatever it is, Figure out some shit at least it feels that way

talk about my feelings and I don’t feel so strange, finding solace, that’s a promise, in Metropolis but being honest, can’t write a sonnet, without some pain

24:00-24:40

Can’t fade away, away so we can savour this, been on my brain again these days

Can't find a way to be so you can savour this, been on my brain these days

Singing the song for another, singing a song for another

[puppy-phum]

final line meme

oohh thank you for tagging me @gusu-emilu ♥ i have seen only the first lines version before so this is gonna be interesting :o

Rules: List the LAST lines of the last ten (10) stories you published. Look to see any patterns you notice yourself, and see if anyone else notices any. Then tag some friends.  

(i decided to pick only fics that i have finished so that the ending lines are the actual ending lines! i also chose to go with the last paragraph to make it easier to understand)

tagging: @s1utspeare @jockvillagersonly @laireshi @foxofninetales @kholran @i-am-just-a-kiddo @rose-of-tori @humanlighthouse @hils79 ♥

placing under a cut so that i don’t flood anyone’s dash

I. In Orbit - DMBJ, Gen, Li Cu & Zhang Qiling friendship, 17k

“In the warmth of the day, Li Cu leans to his side, lets his body tip over. His head ends up on Zhang Qiling’s shoulder, and he’s asleep before he can really even think about it.”

II. heard only silence - DMBJ, Gen, Liu Sang focused, 10k

“He falls asleep for the rest of the night like that, one arm hanging off of the couch and almost touching Wu Xie’s. He feels tethered to them, the silence filled with life. It’s as if he could, maybe, accept the weight of being alive.”

III. Both Gray - DMBJ, Pingxie, 18k

“You should have told me earlier,” Wu Xie murmurs. Zhang Qiling just hums at him.

“I’m not the only one who deserves to heal.”

He hums again. They can now learn to heal together.

IV. Binding - DMBJ, Pingxie, 55k

“He isn’t afraid. He smiles when he feels his body brush through the gate and fall into silence, his end finally chosen by his own accord.”

V. and you remain - DMBJ, Pingxie, 3.1k

“He understands, in some ways. As well as someone like him can understand what it is to be in love with someone like Wu Xie when they have always been more than just partners or companions or lovers. He understands and he does not, and it does not really matter with Wu Xie. The world can get a little hazy with Wu Xie. It could be lost completely, as long as it only gave Zhang Qiling this one thing.”

VI. without you I will not move - MDZS, Gen, Lan bros, 3.4k

“He adjusts. But it is not to a world made empty instead of a world made newly full.”

VII. sinking - 2Moons, MingKit, Ming character study, 1.9k

“He does not sink that fast anymore. And maybe one day, he does learn how to swim.”

VIII. falling - 2Moons, MingKit, Kit character study, 2.7k

“Ming says that he accepts every part of Kit, no matter how difficult or complicated, and somewhere under the familiar covers, Kit’s heart whispers:

You will stay.

And:

I will learn to be enough.”

IX. if not me then you - MDZS, Xicheng, 4.6k

“He gains no answer. But sometimes, when he comes to meet his lover’s spiritual companion again, he can see determination inside the dog’s eyes and knows that they both wait for that inevitable end. That they both share a wish, a wish to remain here for Jiang Wanyin.”

X. return to me unchanged - MDZS, Xicheng, 3.3k

He closes his eyes with the lotus gently cradled to his chest.

“Would you forgive me?” he whispers, tears slipping out when the weight finally becomes too much to bear. He has never been able to forget his mistakes. He has never been able to let go of all the things he never said.

There is nothing to forgive.

“I can’t quite believe you, Wanyin.”

Are you calling me a liar?

A playful snap that makes Lan Xichen chuckle softly.

“I wouldn’t dare.”

Then believe me and return.

“Alright, then.”

Patterns:

i try my best to tie together all the loose ends before i get to the end. tho this usually proves difficult and i end up with very poetic, cliché endings that say nothing much. also i seem to like using sleep a lot as an ending haha. hope is also a big theme which i can approve of bc i am very much into things that are hopeful at the end. there is not much left if we don’t have hope. 

thank you again, this was fun! also thank you if you read this far ^^ i really hope i can post some new writing soon, it’s been way too long sigh. 

[enderspawn]

It's alright if u don't wanna answer this cuz this argument gets people really riled up but do you think c!Techno is a tyrant or nah?

Cuz many c!techno apologists argue that he isn't just cuz he's an anarchist but I've also read a lot of essays that go against it and it'd be really interesting to see ur opinion on this

i think he, in some contexts, can most definitely be called tyrannical, yes. a tyrant? no.

to avoid spamming ppl w discourse we've all def heard before (and bc this ended up MASSIVE (like 2.3k ish), but fairly in depth bc i didnt wanna speak out of bad faith and wanted to be EXPLICTLY clear-- oops), the rest will be under readmore

so heres the thing i want to preface: i used to really LOVE c!techno. i joined beginning of s2, right when exile started, and he was arguably my favorite character. since then though i've fallen out with him a LOT, to the point i almost... actively despite him at times (though mainly in a toxic kind of way which i can acknowledge is flawed).

in short, his actions started to speak louder than his words and i lost investment in his personal character struggles because of the actions he took (doomsday was my breaking point. i get feeling angry and betrayed, as well as seeking revenge against lmanberg, but his actions went too far for me to CARE and it hurt so many more characters as well.)

so when i speak, i come from a place of disliking him but also somewhat understanding the position c!techno apologists come from: i used to be one of them myself.

NOW, do i think he's a tyrant? no. for reference in my analysis, i try to look up the definition of terms to make sure they are utilized properly. while "tyranny" and "tyrannical" can have multiple uses, tyrant itself is a more specific term. to combine the top two definitions, a tyrant is referring to "an extremely oppressive, unjust, or cruel absolute ruler (who governs without restrictions, especially one who seized power illegally.)"

techno's position as an anarchist, imo, DOES indeed make him unable to be a tyrant. tyrants are rulers with very clear power over others from a structural way. anarchists are about the lack of structure or power over others and instead viewing the people around you as equals in power.

in forming the syndicate, they very explicitly worked to not designate a leader and instead make it so that no one would have any power over the others systemically. techno may have taken a integral role, yes, but it doesn't make him suddenly "the leader", its a role that wouldve had to be filled by someone (even if it was democratic to decide who to invite, they'd need someone to hand over the invite itself yknow? like no matter WHAT there needed to be A ROLE)

one could argue that he IS a leader in the shadow hierarchy of the syndicate (which, yes, is a real and professional term used in management courses despite sounding like it comes from a 4kids yugioh dub) in that everyone CONSIDERS and looks to him a leader without him having any actual structural basis behind it, but to argue that allows him to be a tyrant is in bad faith i believe. especially because to the people he would be "ruling", he ISNT oppressive, unjust, or cruel. they are his friends and support network and critical for a lot of his personal development (since feelings of betrayal and trust issues are critical to his character and why he acts the way he does). I wish we were able to SEE this develop more, but oh well.

but like i said: tyrant is fairly specific in definition. TYRANNY, and thus TYRANNICAL are not as limited. I've discussed their definitions here. originally, i made that post because i was angry at a take i had seen that claimed that, like you said, because techno was an anarchist and not part of any government or leadership position, he couldn't be tyrannical. to which i heartily disagree.

for something to be tyrannical, they simply must have an overarching/oppressive power over someone or something. it would not be inaccurate if i were to say that something is "under the tyranny" of a concept, because what it means is that something is under the power of another thing/concept. you can frankly call anything tyranny if it is widespread/overarching and you don't like it. mask mandates? tyranny, its forcing me to act in "rigorous condition". hell, theres even such things as tyranny of the majority in which people agree too much on one thing and it gives them unfair power or tyranny of the minority where people with minority opinions have too much power (thats a very grossly oversimplified definition of both, but it covers the base idea well enough for my point)

the point im making above isnt meant to be taken as "anything can be worked to be defined as tyranny thus it is a meaningless claim", it is that tyranny (and again, thus tyrannical) are very open and nonrestrictive terms.

to make it easier to define, alongside the definitions provided i want to add an explicit clause that is (imo) implied in the original definition: tyranny is... well, bad. that is to say if someone has power over a group but literally everyone is fine with it and agrees to it, its not tyranny. thats just a group of people getting along and one happens to have power over another. a leader does NOT equal a tyrant (as discussed above), so leadership should not be equated with tyranny.

thus as an example: wilbur acting as president (before the election) may have been "unelected" with power over his citizens, but no one was upset with that power. thus, he is not a tyrant and not acting tyrannically (as well as the fact his power was, arguably, NOT rigourous or absolute but thats another topic for another time). SCHLATT however IS a tyrant, as his power was absolute (he did not consult his cabinet) and forced people to comply instead of them complying willingly, thus he was acting tyrannically.

now to finally get to the damn point of this essay: where does c!techno lie? honest answer? it depends slightly on your perspective, but it depends a LOT on the future of the syndicate.

techno is incredibly clear in his goals: no governments, no corruption. in fighting with pogtopia, he is actively working to topple a tyranny-- he isn't tyrannical for doing that.

when he strikes out on nov 16th, it is because he opposes them forming a new government. when they oppose him and disagree, he launches an attack against them. is this tyranny? maybe, but probably not. he IS trying to impose his own physical strength and power (as well as his resources) over the others to stop them from doing what HE doesn't want them to do.

however its more nuanced than that:

1. hes lashing out emotionally as well as politically. he feels betrayed by those he trusted and he believed that they would destroy the government then go (i'm ignoring any debates on if he did or did not know that they planned another government, though it is a source of debate). but typically idk about you but i dont call tyranny for someone fighting with another person.

2. he also may be acting with good intent again, in HIS EYES. if tubbo was part of manburg, whos to say he wont be just as bad? he, in his pov, is likely trying to stop another tyrant before they rise.

3. and finally, and tbh the most damning from any perspective: he gives up. he quickly leaves then RETIRES without intent to try and attack again until he is later provoked. tyranny is defined by it not just being power, but power being USED. if he doesn't use his power to try and impose any will, then he's not tyrannical.

Doomsday I am also not going to touch very in depth on for much of the same reasons. My answer is again a "maybe", depending on the weight you personally place on each issue:

1. he's lashing out as revenge for the butcher army and as revenge against tommy for "betraying" him (though this one we explicitly know he was ignoring the fact tommy did not want to go through with it, however he still did trust and respect tommy regardless so his feelings are understandable anyway)

2. he sees new lmanberg as corrupt and tyrannical (which is undeniable: house arrest for noncompliance, exile without counsel, execution without trial, etc), and thus obligated to destroy it

but also, theres the implicit understanding he's doing this to send a message: do not form a government, or else. its a display of force that also works to warn others unless they want a similar fate. phil even explicitly states that he is doing so to send that message, so one could assume techno is doing the same alongside his personal reasoning listed above.

what i just described is the use of a oppressive and harsh (physical) power in order to gain compliance from people (that compliance being 'not making a government'). does that sound familiar? exactly. it follows the definition(s) of tyranny given previously. technoblade is acting in a way that is, by very definition, tyrannical.

so the debate shifts: is he valid in doing so because he is trying to PREVENT corruption and tyranny. like i said, new lmanberg was undeniably corrupt at points. i held nothing against techno for trying to topple manburg, so does that apply to new lmanberg as well? short answer: i dont know. it depends on your specific opinion of what is acceptable. its like the paradox of tolerance: to have a truly tolerant society, you have to be intolerant of intolerance. to have a truly non-tyrannical society, do you need to have a tyranny enforcing it?

personally (and bc im a lmanberg loyalist /hj) i say it is. regardless of the corruption of new lmanberg, they are also giving a threat to EVERYONE. even those who are innocent, they are presented with the exact same threat and rule set: if you make a government, you will be destroyed.

(which, small divergence here, is part of why debating c!techno is so frustrating. so many times you end up hitting a "well it depends on your political views" situation and there ISNT a correct answer there. im here to analyze characters for fun, not debate political theory)

so: the syndicate then. this is where this debate really "took off" and i think its due to one very specific miscommunication about its goals and plans. the syndicate, upon formation, declares itself to stand against corruption and tyranny. when they are found, the syndicate would work to destroy it. so heres the golden question: what do THEY define as corruption and tyranny? if you were to go off c!techno's previous statements, seemingly "any government" is a valid answer. however, he also states he's fine with people just being in groups together hanging together.

what then DEFINES A GOVERNMENT for them? what lines do they have to sort out what does "deserve to be destroyed" and what does "deserve to exist freely"

this is a hypothetical i like to post when it comes to syndicate discourse:

i have a group of people. lets say 5 or so for example. they all live together and build together. any decisions made that would impact the entire group they make together and they must have a unanimous agreement in order to proceed, but otherwise they are free to be their own people and do their own thing. when you ask them, they tell you they are their own nation and they have a very clearly defined government: they are a direct democracy. does the syndicate have an obligation to attack?

there is absolutely no hierarchy present. there is no corruption present. but, they ARE indeed a government. is that then inherently negative? my answer is fuck no (see the whole "difference between a tyrant and a leader" thing above).

but THATS where the issue of this discourse LIES. in some people's eyes, the answer to that is YES. techno's made it clear "no government" is his personal view, but does that spread to the syndicate as a whole? do they act preemptively in case it DOES become corrupt? is it inherently corrupt because its a government, regardless of how it is ruled? the fact of the matter is because of how little we've seen the syndicate work as a SYNDICATE, we don't know that answer. so we're left to debate and speculate HOW they would act.

if the syndicate were to let that government exist, then they are not tyrannical. they are showing that they are working to stop tyranny and corruption, just like in pogtopia again.

if the syndicate were to destroy/attack that government, then they are tyrannical. simple as that. they are enforcing a rule of their own creation without any nuance or flexibility under the threat of absolute destruction.

miscommunication in debates comes, in my opinion, in the above. of course theres more points of nuance. for example:

would the syndicate allow a government like i had described with early lmanberg, where there is an established hierarchy but everyone in the country consents to said leadership? on one hand, there is no tyranny or corruption present which is what they are trying to work against. on the other hand, theres more a possibility of it occuring. perhaps they'd find a middle road between the two binary options of "leave or destroy" i am presenting, such as checking in occasionally to ensure no corruption occurs.

but if they were to destroy it without, for lack of a better word, "giving it a chance" they would be, in my opinion, tyrannical. they would be going aginst their words of opposing corruption and instead abusing their power to gain compliance.

your/others opinions may differ, again it depends on if you see it as worth it to possibly stop future tyranny or if a hierarchy is INHERENTLY a negative thing.

part of the reason so many blog gave up this debate, beyond not getting very clear answers for the syndicate, is because of the nuance present. there. is. no. right. answer. every single person will view it differently, because there is no universally agreed upon truth of right or wrong here. BUT, i hope this helps shed some light on the discussion and my thoughts on it

[firelord-frowny]

!!!!!!!!!!!!! one of the things that Disturbs me most about ~weight loss culture~ and fatphobia and whatnot is that like... 

ok, so there are some negative health conditions for which a lot of body fat can be the cause of, or a symptom of. true, i guess. 

but simply “losing weight” is not automatically a healthy thing. 

people can and do lose weight all the time in ways that can be MAJORLY detrimental to one’s health. Duh. We know this. Anorexia, for example. People can DIE from that disease. people can lose weight because of depression. weight loss can be caused by or symptomatic of malnutrition. cancers and other diseases. 

So like... simply “being thin” isn’t the thing that’s healthy. Being in good cardiac health via healthy food choices and regular exercise is the thing that’s healthy. And if you commit to eating healthy foods in healthy portions, and getting a daily bit of exercise, that may very well translate into weight loss for people who weren’t already making healthy choices. 

But like. Simply ~losing weight~ doesn’t make you healthier. Starving yourself or purging or exercising to the point of physical injury does not make you healthier. DUH!!! Cancer obviously does not make anyone healthier. Having no appetite because of depression does not make you healthier. 

so WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY do people hyperfocus on ~weight loss~ as a way to improve health??? 

If you lose 20 pounds by eating nothing but one single order of mcdonald’s large fries every day for a month.... sure, maybe you’re 20 pounds lighter, BUT YOU’VE ALSO ONLY EATEN THE WORLD’S MOST NUTRITIONLESS GARBAGE FOR A MONTH!!! maybe your judgmemental grandma who always makes flippant comments about your weight is happy, but your arteries sure as fuck ain’t. maybe you’re thrilled that you can ~fit into your favorite pants from high school again~, but your blood pressure is fixing to fuck yo ass up. 

OOOOBBBBBVIOUSLYYYYY i am not a Professional in matters of diet and exercise and health and nutrition. 

but it seems from my layman’s point of view that if you’ve made unhealthy choices that contributed to weight gain..... why even bother ~trying to lose the weight~ if you aren’t going to be healthy about it?? If you’re unhealthy in your current shape and you change your shape through EVEN MORE unhealthy stuff... then why not just stay in your current shape until you’re ready and willing to make the kinds of lifestyle changes that would actually improve your health? the kinds of changes that would INCREASE YOUR LIFE EXPECTANCY!!! Decrease your chances of developing serious health problems! Improve your chances of SURVIVING any serious health problems that you do develop. 

don’t just try to be thin omfg that’s so STUPID!!! being thin doesn’t make you healthy!!! LIVING A HEALTHY LIFESTYLE MAKES YOU HEALTHYYYYYYY!!!!!!! 

Obligatory Disclaimer that i’m SUUUUUUUUUUUURE that even if my thoughts about this are true, there’s probably a fuckin lot of exceptions and nuances that I’m not educated enough to understand. I KNOW that when it all comes down to it, only a health care professional is qualified to help a person figure out what kinds of changes they need to make for their health, if any. 

but I’m sitting here thinking about the 15ish pounds that i rapidly lost and then rapidly gained back when i was emotionally breaking down bc of The Plague, and how my actual health was a trainwreck the whole way through. And I was thinking about how for yeeears I’ve been wanting to Stop Gaining Weight via healthy lifestyle changes, and how I’ve always felt kinda pathetic for not being able to muster up the will power an discipline to commit to those changes, and how seeing myself gain weight was like a reminder that I don’t have the resolve to treat myself better, 

and then i saw myself suddenly 15 pounds lighter and i STILL felt like shit because I knew that those 15 pounds weren’t a result of healthy choices - it was the result of clinical fucking depression. 

[galaxymagick]

200913 @leo_jungtw instalive

he said hii with a kinda husky voice aaa and asking if we're doing well

"what are you guys doing these days? im doing well without hurting anywhere? (to a fan) eh you shouldnt push away ur studies (just to watch me)"

okay so he did house chores after he woke up and drank coffee, studied and composed a bit

he went to hyogi's house yesterday night but it was not that long then he went to his home and he said they didnt take selcas T.T

during march/april, he moved to another house(?) and doing some remodelling and said it was hard haha that he doesnt want to do it again in the future

okay he is reading japanese comments

omg he once reached 70kg but since it was hard to exercise and bcs he is currently controlling what he eats so he is now 68 kg T.T

a fan said that he was skinny during mydol but he said that his weight during that time was 68 kg omg

he said he didnt have any thought to lose weight so he will try to reach the weight that is easy to maintain(?) and can be reduced when he wants

fan: you will look good in any shape 

leo: haha i can just laugh at this..haha..

omg he didnt shave that much these days 

"you should do much more than you think in order to lose weight" 

okay he is not dieting he is just maintaining his health so he eats rice during lunch and eats salad for dinner

"hahaha of course my hair is black now" 

okay so he said you guys dont have to diet because of me just because im doing it.. 

so fans are asking him to show(i didnt catch it but i think his face?) for just a minute but he knows that we will share it among the fans so yeah..ahaha

he is playing a some part of his composed song aaa thank youu boi

he is using lots of genre in his music these days 

haha he is putting effort to lay down on bed before 11 or 12 am okay so it's about his bedtime guys

he cant read fanletters now since the policy in his current company doesnt allow it 

he and hyuk had about one to two glass of wine yesterday while talking about lots of thing..

"i wONT SAVE THIS LIVE"

oh he talked about the food truck support that marie antonoutte cast including him sent to minhyun for his drama and he said they always put short message such us "hwang minhyun hwaiting" lolololol

fan: why dont you show us your face

leo: noo it is just nothing.. i might show my face someday, who knows right?

"okayy we will see again in the next three weeks" then a fan asked "are you busy" and he really laugh cutely while saying "no im not busy haha"

fan: it's hard to prepare for work

leo: true especially during corona there will be not much oppurtunity but i do believe that you will do well

i wONT SAVE THIS LIVE AND I WONT UPLOAD SELCA AFTER THIS

are you resting well? (in english)

"yesss" (in english)

"minyul is currently at the age of puberty( like he is going to a mature phase) and he is not an ordinary kid, he really talks well and he will go to elementary school in 1 years and 6 months..im so shocked"

fan: nice to meet you leo

leo: wdym im about to sleep now

leo and his behavior calling minyul baby and minyul will be like "no pls call me kid now, my little sister is a baby now"

"so another week is starting tomorrow and i hope you guys will be spending it well, im thankful that we can meet like this and lets meet each other on a good day soon"

"eat well, dont go to crowded place, wear your mask, wash your hand, lets go for a long time, good night"

okay guys remember this okay!!

trans cr: @jaehwansfacts

ㅇㅅㅇ : Today I woke up then take a bath then drink coffee then clean my house then doing laundry then do this and that.. oh! I had English class today!

ㅇㅅㅇ: I came down after weighing 70kg! now I'm about 68kg..

ㅇㅅㅇ : (during doing laundry) I dont turn on the dryer because the scent of the fabric softener won't come. I tried about 5 fabric softeners but it doesn't fit so I just dry my laundry naturally.

ㅇㅅㅇ : (VIXX) Fan manager contacted me today saying that I said I'm trying to do live (instagram) twice a month but 3 weeks have passed, she even told me the exact date. So I said "alright..." (then do the live)

ㅇㅅㅇ : I'm working on many genres (writing and making song) these days. Leo-like song is great but Im trying to make non Leo-like song too!

ㅇㅅㅇ : Yesterday I went to Hyogi's house. We didnt take a selca. I made a scene and came back home..

ㅇㅅㅇ : We drink 1~2 glasses of wine and talk about this and that a lot..

ㅇㅅㅇ : Since jelpi is also having WFH (work from home), I havent read the fanletter since 3 weeks ago (till now). But I've received and read the letter I got before 3 weeks ago. Since its WFH I cant go to jelpi (to received the fanletter)

ㅇㅅㅇ: Minyool is going thru puberty. He is not an ordinary brat. He will be annoyed if someone called him "baby" he wants to be called "kid" Rolling on the floor laughing then I said to him "let's see when u understand the meaning of allowance money in two years, u will only come to find me.."

ㅇㅅㅇ: Today will be end soon. Just like what you said Im trying to do this Live till 11pm. It was a great time, and I'll see you soon, so don't be sad. Let's meet on a good day! Cheer up for another week! eat well and don't go to crowded places, make sure to wear a mask! Wash your hands well! Bye! Sleep well! Let's stay together for a long time, see you for a long time.

trans cr: @wantshik

taekwoon: anything is better than growing a mustache?

also taekwoon: i haven't been shaving these days

taekwoon: when i gain weight, i work out and go on a diet, you have to do more than what you can think of then you'll lose weight, if you don't you can't lose it

taekwoon: i don't eat salads for all three meals, i eat rice in the day and eat salad for dinner

taekwoon: "taekwoon ah you've lost weight" it's bc you haven't seen me recently~

taekwoon reading a comment: "what am i if i'm not on a diet"

taekwoon just played a piano melody from something he's working on ; _____ ; he said he's been working on many different genres, those that are leo-like and those that aren't

taekwoon said he's been reading all the fan letters recently~

taekwoon: i drank one, two? two glasses of wine with hyuk and we talked a lot

taekwoon said that 손준호님 bought him his washing machine djknsgkjk he was like "you joined (my live) to hear this right!!!" literally when he first realized he came in taekwoon was like ah why did you join !!! and someone commented that they just heard hyog's tone

taekwoon: "are you resting well enough?" yes~!

taekwoon refuses to save his live and he's like , even if i don't save my live some of yall will so don't worry lmao

taekwoon: (laughs) i'm going off, what's "it's nice to see you leo-nim"? lol

taekwoon: minyool isn't just an ordinary kid he talks really well and it surprised me

dksjngkdjgndk he says minyool gets annoyed when you call him a baby now bc he wants to be called a kid !!!! also when he's being a brat taekwoon's like just wait till two years later when you understand the concept of allowance and you'll come finding me LMAO

some of the songs he played during the live🎶

🎶 a safe place to land - sara bareilles ft. john legend 🎶 shiny - sara bareilles 🎶 norman fucking rockwell - lana del rey 🎶 happiness is a butterfly - lana del rey

trans cr: @liaxiovi

[coquelicot-blues]

don’t go at sea without your life buoy

Spoiler alert for recent chapters (320 to 323)

Rating: Gen (but can be read however you want)

Characters: Midoriya Izuku & Todoroki Shouto

Summary: How I imagine Midoriya & Todoroki's reunion would go. Spoilers alert: there are waterworks.

WC: 1.5k

A/N: I keep thinking that I'd really like the manga to address the rift in Midoriya & Todoroki's relationship after everything that happened... so that's what I cooked up. Plz note tho that this is written in Midoriya's POV, and he does have a tendency to blame himself a lot.

Also, I just wanted to jot down my ideas, so it’s written in a play script format. Enjoy :)

___________________________________________________________  

Izuku has started wandering around the UA grounds, ducking through doorways or hiding behind bushes whenever he crosses paths with civilians to avoid conflict (bc his presence is still a sore subject). The grounds have changed a lot, become a true fortress and labyrinth to walk through, but he doesn’t mind wandering too much, because he is on a mission, and he will succeed no matter what. After four days of having stayed at UA now, he's started feeling more like a human being, and no longer like smelly, hungry, and weary beast. Being reunited with his friends and Mom has also really helped. Kacchan even talked to him without screaming once!

That said, there is still one person Izuku hasn’t found yet, hasn’t spoken to since his return.

And it’s an important person too.

So Izuku wanders around, looking for his friend.

He finds him on the rooftop.

IZUKU: Todoroki-kun!

SHOUTO: (looks up, but his expression remains schooled in an impassive mask, unlike the usual soft smile he'd normally greet Izuku with)

IZUKU: (arrives beside him) Hi. Can I sit here?

SHOUTO: (without inflexion) Of course.

IZUKU: (sits, slightly uncomfortable with this unusual atmosphere) I've been looking for you! You're the only one I didn't get to greet up to now.

SHOUTO: (hums. There is silence then, but it doesn’t last long, bc he suddenly says, as deadpan as ever) You bathed.

IZUKU: (scoffs) Yeah, even Sensei insisted on it.

SHOUTO: (nods absentimindedly) Good.

And this may seem like an improvement from Todoroki’s earlier conversational skills, back when he was still the not-here-to-make-friends Earlyroki, but Izuku knows it really isn’t, knows that this Todoroki right here is not really comfortable either in this situation because he’s just... he looks like a stone statue, not even looking at Izuku or smiling warmly at him. He’s just there. Not doing much. As if he were sitting with a stranger.

IZUKU: (steels himself) Ok, I know this may seem like a stupid question but... How are you?

SHOUTO: (without missing a beat) I could ask you the same.

And really, Izuku knows what this is, knows that Todoroki is now deliberately distancing himself, avoiding the question —which Izuku can relate to, since he himself also hates this question... He decides, tho, that if he wants to hear from Todoroki on this point, he has to show his own sincerity, his own willingness to reconnect.

IZUKU: I'm fi— (stops himself: old habits die hard, huh) I mean, it's been... hard, but seeing everyone really helps. (pointedly, he looks at Todoroki, both so that he can understand that he's purposefully included in the 'everyone', but also to prompt him to talk, which doesn't work... so instead, he continues) What about you?

SHOUTO: (still stonily) Likewise.

And it's just... it's awful, this conversation. No, it's actually excruciating, to have lost so much ground with Todoroki, to now only be allowed the normal platitudes he would reserve to a pesky stranger trying to pry.

It hurts.

But Izuku has never been a quitter, has he.

IZUKU: Todoroki-kun, I get that you're... angry with me. I just... I would really like to hear about you. I'm just worried is all.

SHOUTO: (suddenly, he shows the first sign of emotion by sighing deeply, something so weary that he seems to gain thirty years, suddenly) I'll be honest, Midoriya. (finally he looks at Izuku) I'm really glad you're here, because then we can know when you are safe, and when you are not, and we can support you the way you need to be, which is frankly all I could ever want right now... (stops himself, breathes, then peers into Izuku’s eyes) But I can't... Talking is not something I can do.

And Izuku thinks then that Todoroki really, really is the kindest person he's ever met. Because Izuku has always been able to read between the lines with ease —he's honed his observational skills enough throughout the years for it to become like second nature— and he understands that what Todoroki really meant —what he didn't say to spare Izuku's feelings— is 'Talking with you'...

So he blinks, nods furiously, and buries his grief with this cold, bitter acceptance of knowing one has tarnished a friendship that was once so pure and good and easy, to make it... different.

Painful.

Corroded.

IZUKU: I— I understand. Of course I understand.

Izuku looks down, stifles his tears, and waits for the inevitable. He knows Todoroki: he's not one to remain in an uncomfortable situation when he doesn’t have to, and Izuku won’t stop him, so he will leave, and Izuku will be alone...

Except that he doesn't: doesn't leave, nor let Izuku out alone on the rooftop.

They just sit in silence, Izuku wrestling with his tears while Todoroki just looks at the view.

And Izuku's heart, even as it breaks, mends just a tiny bit, because Todoroki is a good friend, and even if Izuku's hurt him, he won't leave Izuku alone when he himself is hurting...

And that's just... too much.

IZUKU: Just so you know, though, I really never wanted any of this to happen.

SHOUTO: (looks at him, eyes sad) Yes, I know.

IZUKU: (but this doesn’t feel like enough, so Izuku continues) No, you don't, though. I never meant to hurt you, Todoroki-kun.

SHOUTO: (unwavering) It hurt you too. This is a very heavy burden that you bear.

IZUKU: I mean yeah, it is, and sometimes I feel like I'll just crumble under the whole weight of it, but that doesn't change the fact that even as I tried to do what's best for everyone because of One For All and All For One, I ended up hurting you.

And Izuku selfishly —oh so selfishly— wishes Todoroki would just shake his head then and tell him that he's wrong, that Izuku didn't hurt him.

But contrary to Izuku, Todoroki has never been one to dish out white lies to make sure not to hurt people's feelings, has never been one to tell others that he's fine when he doesn't feel fine...

So when Todoroki only stares at him, Izuku can honestly say that it hurts, and it hurts so bad.

Because he hurt his friend.

Izuku hurt his best friend.

SHOUTO: (after a long pause) You didn't mean to.

IZUKU: (just can’t stop the tears from flowing, and flow they do) But I did. And that's the point, Todoroki-kun! (hiccups, then gulps, and continues) I just... There's so many people in your life that have hurt you, and I never —never— wanted to be one of them, but I am now, and I hate that I am! And I know there's nothing I can do to make it better, to make it not hurt, and I just hate myself for it! I don’t... I don't want you to hurt anymore. (buries his face in his hands helplessly) I'm so sorry, Todoroki-kun.

And Shouto doesn't say anything then... He just clears his throat, but stays otherwise silent. It's only when furiously wiping at his eyes that Izuku catches a glimpse of him and... oh, he's crying too.

In a much more subdued way, without making a fraction of the noises and sniffles Izuku is making, but the tears are there, and they're falling steadily, like a faucet's been opened and forgotten there.

And somehow, even as he feels that he's drowning in this sea of guilt and self-hatred and regret, Izuku feels just a little better knowing that Todoroki still lets himself cry in front of Izuku.

It somehow brings him comfort.

So they cry side by side, until the faucet runs out of water and they're both nursing stinging eyes and wet cheeks and dripping chins through the silence between them.

Until that silence breaks after a few moments.

SHOUTO: Do you... I've started sparring with Bakugou, to keep working on our Quirks and techniques. (long inhale, exhale, then he's looking at Izuku once more) Do you want to spar with me?

Suddenly, it feels like Izuku's just been thrown a life buoy, been given a second chance into the kindest person's heart, as if a once closed door is now suddenly ajar, and wow, this is his chance, and he will not let it go to waste.

IZUKU: Of course Todoroki-kun! Of course, I'll spar with you!!

SHOUTO: (nods) Ok.

But he doesn't move, and Izuku waits for him to do so until he suddenly understands what this is, understands that Todoroki meant it as a promise instead of some one-time event. As a promise meant to reconnect with his friend, but also as a way to keep him close for the foreseeable future.

To make sure that Izuku won't just leave again.

And maybe it’s futile, maybe Izuku will be forced to have to leave again soon in order to protect everyone, but his heart tells him that he has every intention to keep this promise.

To be a good friend to a good friend of his.

He'll just have to make sure that Todoroki knows it too.

[stressedspidergirlsfitnessblog]

Update

Just as a personal note for people who followed me for personal fitbrling.

I am keeping up with Adriene’s yoga program, and wanting to get back into running. The weather has been miserable and my depression has been pretty bad.

I would love to go run a zombies run mission in the fog, it looks really fun, but I’m super sick of being cold. I’m sick of having trouble breathing -bad allergies? Or something I don’t know.

And I’m feeling really alone and really unhappy. I’m doing my best to push past that and ignore it, because there’s nothing I can do about it. Or anyone else, really.

On a lighter note, it’s been 2+ years I am pretty sure, since I got a new bra. Because I bought them when I lost weight and was down at a 32B. Sadly I gained back a lot, and while I’ve lost some of that weight again, I’m at a 32C. Which... is a bummer.

I sold 3 of my blankets, a hoodie, and some jewelry type things so I could afford to buy some other smaller spark joy type things, and I had some coupons. So 2 bras, 2 free new underwear later, and a few candles + groceries, that’s where we’re at.

Good thing I got some new candles bc when I came home yesterday it smelled like skunk? My sense of smell has been off/mostly gone since I got sick last January (probably covid, in retrospect. Sick for 3+ months, incredible fatigue, dry cough, trouble breathing, no sense of taste or smell) so I don’t really know what I was smelling just that it was bad. So I lit a fun lil apple something candle.

I am trying to tell myself I can get up and do Day 21 Control. But I didn’t get much sleep.

I did however, fold all my laundry and put it away this morning, outside of a few things still going ‘round the dryer because they seem opposed to drying unlike the rest. I’m really hoping to get back into running soon, or at least walking the dogs more.

I’m just so tired.

[aaallliiieee]

Current motivation:

This post talks about weight /dieting / complex emotions regarding bodies and insecurity. Pls don't read this if you're gonna judge me!!! I just wanna share my feelings ok I know they're not great but whatever who cares. I don't have anyone to talk to irl about this stuff so I'm processing it here and if you don't like it just ignore me lol

Anyway last time I saw my dad he said I was looking skinny, I said "thanks" and he said "no, too skinny, are you eating enough?" and I was like wtf I've been binge eating junk food for a year. Also I was 15lbs higher than my LW which he also said was too skinny but it's been like a year and a half since then so maybe he forgot/didn't realize I've gained since then. Anyway my only thought was that maybe I look skinny bc he's used to looking at my step sisters A & J who are taller/bigger than I am (no judgment tho, they're super beautiful and they have great hair and I wish I was as funny/relaxed as them) (I'm uptight and nervous, the only thing going for me is that I'm short and skinny-ish and I overthink everything which gives me some "intellectual superiority" aka anxiety) (I know I shouldn't be comparing myself against them ok but it's just something that happens when you compulsively overthink everything!!) (Also I know these thoughts don't matter, nothing matters, I'm just sharing bc I don't have friends irl and this is what I do with my free time, I overthink and compare myself to everyone I know, just to get a sense of where I'm at in relation to everyone else) (yes this is weird and pointless idc)

Anyway so in like 5ish weeks I'm going to be flying out to meet them (they just bought an RV and are doing a long road trip) so I'm gonna be staying with my other step sister N for a day, and she has always been super skinny (actually was one of my first sources of thinspo/body insecurity bc we had the same dress once but she looked so good and skinny in it and I just looked fat... this was back in high school before I lost weight/realized you're not supposed to compare yourself to people so I took it personally as like a personal defect lmao) Anyway so I'm nervous about staying with her bc she's really cool and I'm an anxious weirdo and idk how to talk to people/have fun/relax/be normal (and that's why I don't have friends irl lmao) but anyway it'll be chill she's nice and as long as I can stay chill it'll be chill. (But also I'm telling myself if I lose a few more pounds it won't matter if I'm weird/awkward bc at least I'll look skinny... Iike what that makes no sense haha.) Anyway then we're gonna drive out and meet our parents/step sister J for some hiking and camping... I just wanna look skinny in my hiking clothes and be extra fit so I don't get winded/tired too easily, bc I'm always the one holding up the group on these trips!! But I think I realized it's an anxiety thing?? So I'm gonna work on training my body AND mind this time and it's gonna be a good trip. Also both of these step sisters like to take pictures and use Instagram a lot so I wanna look like a cute hiking gal and not just a regular shlub lmao. Also I have anxiety bc they're sisters so they get along like bff's and I'm just an awkward weirdo but whatever that's okay! I think by now they've known me for long enough that I am how I am and everything is fine. Also their mom is the nicest person ever and my dad is fun and goofy and all around it'll be a good trip I just have to get out of my head and stop overthinking it.

Anyway I just wanted to share all of that bc I realize that my brain has made some illogical conclusions about losing weight and being skinny in relation to social relationships and vacation trips and despite knowing how illogical and made up they are I'm still trying to lose a few pounds bc I'm hoping it'll make me feel less self conscious/socially anxious. And yes in the past I have enjoyed my vacation trips more when I've been skinnier bc I feel more confident about myself and less judgmental/holding myself back from things. I just want to make sure I focus on the body/mind TRAINING part and not just dieting bc last time I dieted too hard and ended up having issues during the trip, despite desperately wanting to not be the one having issues again... But like I said I think I've had a breakthrough and the problem is that my anxiety about having problems is what causes the problems!! So I'm working on meditating/letting go of weird obsessive environment-control things and I am going to stay centered and not get attached to any supposed "issues" that come up bc as soon as I get attached to an issue it becomes an issue, if I let go of it it'll let go of me!

Anyway yeah tldr I'm gonna lose a few pounds so I can feel more confident/less self conscious, I'm gonna work out and train my body so I can keep up on the hikes, I'm gonna meditate and do yoga every day so I can learn to let go of attachments and be present and stay centered, I'm gonna let go of fear/what-ifs bc this is gonna be a good trip regardless of what happens and if I focus on the anxiety I'll be anxious but if I focus on the excitement I'll be excited! But mostly focus on TODAY and what am I doing today to get myself in the best shape I can be.

🙏🤸🌾