#i am struggling with college work sm rn

[purrpl-png]

just gonna leave here this silly thing i made and sneak away

[celestie0]

Hello!! I hope you are doing well💋💋

I want to tell you, how much I love kickoff series. I started reading it the day I got results of the failed exam. This exam means to me everything, it was my second attempt to university, and I failed it again.

Your work helps me to get through the rough time, because right now I think about what will happen to my glorious king Gojo in kickoff, and not about how much I am stupid and that I should be ashamed by myself.

Thank you for stopping me crying because of the exam, and making me crying because of the kickoff.

I hope I didn’t make any mistakes, english is not my mother language, so I am sorry for some errors.

I really love you and appreciate your hard work. Thank you, really thank you🥹🥹🥹

HIII tysm i’m doing well!!

oh honey i am so sorry to hear that about your exam 😭 ik it’s really hard to not feel shame or anger towards yourself but i think it’s good to be gentle w yourself n there will be happier times for the future :”) sometimes our setbacks lead us towards blessings!! keep your chin high bb you’ve got this <33

i’m so happy to hear kickoff was able to help you in your rough time you’re going through rn

Thank you for stopping me crying because of the exam, and making me crying because of kickoff.

ofc my dear omg im ngl this made me giggle a little bit but like WITH LOVE LOL 💕💕 you get to choose the angst you shed tears over!! heck yea!!!

your english is wonderful bb and i love you too <33 honestly to know my works are helping you through something difficult makes my heart swell sm bc i know when i was in highschool n college n was struggling at times i would always turn to my favorite comfort stories to feel better, sometimes those were fanfictions, and so to know i’m helping you out in a similar way means a lot to me n im really glad :””) sending you all the love n support n positive energy!!

[finitevoid]

Blake! Your writing is so gorgeous and so unique, your style is just so distinctly *yours* and that’s definitely something that stands out about your work, but I think the most remarkable thing to be said about it is how natural it feels. Like, it’s rich and velvety, but it *never* feels pretentious or overdone and that is honestly such a difficult thing to achieve in writing more lyrical styles, I can’t help but admire the hell out of it when I see it done well. There’s writers with 50 years of experience on you who could never hope to wordsmith as well as you do in Fairytales.

You have so much talent and I really do believe it’s going to take you however far you want to go with it, because damn, the sky’s the limit when your writing is so VERSATILE, too. That’s another thing that’s incredibly admirable about your work. You can flip a switch from writing heart-wrenching lyrical prose to hilarious dialogue shitposts and you know what, BOTH is SO GOOD.

And it’s not like these two things exist in polarity either. I’ve seen you write in the middle where your prose is gripping and your dialogue flows like water and it’s funny and it’s beautiful and the characterization is PEAK and you know what, it makes me care even in cases where I don’t *know* the characters you’re writing about. I think... "magnetic" is a good way to describe your writing overall.

Anyway, you’re a powerhouse of literary talent and I hope you get all the recognition you deserve for it today and in the future. ♥️♥️

the way I SCREAMED when I read this. sparrow. sparrow. puts my hands on your shoulders. u are so kind I’m crying. thank you thank you this is SUCH high praise 💘💝💖💗. I kept giggling to myself as I read through this, I appreciate your kind words sm

i really do love poetry, but I find a lot of mainstream poetry to be really pretentious like you said, and I wanted to bring in the good aspects of prose-y poetry without coming off as preachy... I did that by laser-focusing the poems onto the characters themselves, because honestly, if I hadn’t done that, I would’ve started ranting somewhere in there about how prison islands are. Bad. LMAO. so I made it about the characters, their personal struggles and battles and emotions. like I said in response to cay’s ask, i really wanted to portray emotions on their rawest form, and that’s kind what the series is all about

I try very hard for my prose to flow and I’m so glad it does ;-; I’m self-taught, so it was a lot of trial and error for a long time lol. but with Fairytales, a lot of was just... what felt right. I sat down and wrote the evie poem after watching the og snow white and the seven dwarves because I was super in my feelings, and I didn’t even think about it. just wrote whatever came to mind. and it spiraled out of control from there LMAO. and im so glad my dialogue and prose flows, i always worry the transition between the two is jarring, so im so happy it flows ahh

ALSO THANK YOU LOL THOSE JOKES ARE MY PRIDE AND JOY. I am planning on pursuing some kind of career in writing, tho we’ll see how it goes akdkckkakskd college first college first. I’ve been getting a lot of experience and practice under my belt lately at least HAHA

in conclusion: THANK YOU THIS IS SO NICE. you always give me such high praise and I’m always like cryingcat about it. I’m grinning at my phone like such an idiot rn. I’m so glad you like Fairytales so much 💘💝💖💗💕💞💘💝💗💕💞

[derekmorganscrocs]

AHHHH (Thank You/Update/Mini Rant)

That’s me screaming. For a few reasons.

Good reason! I’ve gotten so much love the past few days on all my posts, and as someone who’s felt super unappreciated and invisible, it means the absolute world to me. And since I struggle with confidence, the commments and asks I’m getting telling me that what I posted is good means everything to me. Like you don’t even know how much it means. Literally I love all of you sm, thank you, thank you, thank you!

The not so good reasons/updates on fic progress.

I HAVE SUCH BAD WRITERS BLOCK RN. And several overdue assignments, and I just went on a cleaning binge, reorganized my desk and sorted all my notebooks, plus cleaned my whole room. AND I ONLY HAVE THREE DAYS LEFT FOR COLLEGE APPS AND I ONLY GET FIVE PROGRAMS BUT I LIKE SIX AGH!!!

Anyways, I’m both creatively and mentally struggling, more so creatively than mentally, but I am trying really hard to put out more fics and stuff! The Bess Marvin one I wrote turned out to be a flaming dumpster fire (at least in my opinion), but I’ll post it if a couple people say they want me to. It’s not quite done, and I’m not comfy sharing with ppl I know.

Anyway! I have quite a few other things started that I’m hoping to finish, and I’ll try my best to have something posted by the end of the week.

I have so many Criminal Minds oneshot drafts, same with Bones, and I have a few other Nancy Drew and some Outerbanks. I also have a lot of Riverdale (don’t judge me lmao) from like March when I first watched it, but only a few of any are finished.

If you wanna reply with your fave characters, I’ll post whatever I have for whichever names pop up the most. You don’t have to! I’ll figure something out if not haha, but it would definitely help me out.

Y’all wanna see a dating Finn Abernathy head cannon?? Or a Wendell Bray?? I threw together one of those last night at like 1 am (for my preferences book I’m working on) in what I thought was a fever dream, but it was still on my phone when I woke up, so I guess it actually happened.

Anyway, I love it here and I feel so appreciated and loved despite the major burnout moment I’m having. Just thought I’d dump this here so I could maybe get pointed in a specific direction, but if not y’all can see my dumpster fire of a fic! That applies to so many things I’ve written, it’s kinda sad.

Anyway! Happy Wednesday y’all! Just realized it’s Wednesday which means you know what tonight is. NANCY DREW NIGHT!

Lol it’s Wednesday my dudes. Sorry I feel chaotic rn and can’t focus on anything haha. Anyway have a good rest of your day and an even better tomorrow!

[cockbiteproductions]

all prime numbers in the Misc section and all multiples of 10 in the other sections

we shall go backwards as the question list was posted backwards...... (and also why i rbed it.... why is it backwards? i dont know but i love it. edit: now that ive seen question 1 it looks to me like one of those forum profile copy pastes where you fill out the entire thing and put it in your profile.)

200: My crush’s name is: hmm...... well. i would rather not say!!!! they could see this post!!!!!!! and we do not want that happening.......

190: My 1st job was: lifeguard in the summer after 9th or 10th grade i think? it was decently fun. i grew up swimming competitively so the swimming part was a breeze. the remembering what to do if someone is drowning part? a bit harder. memory bad. what to do if someone has a potential broken spine/head injury when they’re in deep water? i don’t know bud. but it involves 3 whole people to get them out. 2 in the water, one person at all times holding their head in line with the rest of their body, the other one strapping them to the board (these two people in the water switch off, too) and then one person standing on the side of the pool looking very concerned. also don’t tell anyone but sometimes if i had like a 6 am shift i would get really groggy and almost fall asleep on the stand.

180: Marriage is: whatever people make of it but unfortunately bogged down with like a lot of societal expectations. to me it just sounds like hanging with your “best” friend until you die but a lot of other people interpret it differently.

170: What did you do yesterday? LOL wouldn’t it be nice if i remembered. wait no i do remember. i woke up “early” and watched a dnd livestream and struggled through buffering from my shit wifi. then i took a nap. then i had a chipotle burrito that was way too spicy. and i played a lot of minecraft. and i wrote a bit. and i also did like another 2-3 pages of the codecademy html intro course im working on.

160: Soul mates: nope. [taylor mason voice] i don’t believe in the concept of a soul. you are compatible with some people more than others and that’s based on your values and interests and personality. nothing Soul about it. it’s fun in fanfic and fiction though, but that’s because it’s fiction.

150: Blondes or Brunettes: brunettes..... i like brown hair! but blonde is nice too.

140: Mac or PC: clown face emoji. mac. It’s A Unix System. more convenient for me. my current mac is a giant piece of shit though. though i think that’s my own fault for keeping all my old files from my old mac. shoulda started over. i think i might try to get this one factory reset or something.

130: Wal-Mart or Target: idk walmart. i go there a lot during college. walmart just has a larger selection. i used to go to target a lot as a kid though because my mom liked it more. i think it’s like slightly more bougie?

120: Gay Marriage: fuckin go for it pals. sad that it took as long as it did to become legal.

110: My Neighbors: they are nice i think. the ones to the right are teachers or something. the ones to the left are.... idk. their kids were like maybe 5 years older than me and my brother when we were growing up though and sometimes they would indulge in us tiny annoying kids and hang with us

100: Cried in front of someone: when the finale of the clone wars came out a few months ago and i was sobbing and i ran into the living room to tell my roommate and friend that i was sobbing. i was sobbing. i also recorded myself watching the entire eps and i Sure Was Sobbing.

90: Texted: actual sms text, yesterday in response to a friend who texted me a tik tok. instant messaging like 20 minutes ago to milo. i havent responded yet because im answering this and i cant multitask for shit.

89: Who makes you laugh the most: me obviously. i think i’m fucking hilarious. me aside, @redvsblue​ is the funniest person on this planet. also my friend holly irl who shares my incredibly dumb sense of humor. also you!

83: The most difficult thing to do is: hmm........ in general or for me personally? idk..... a lot? i am not a very courageous person. so i guess being brave.

79: First time you had a crush: >:( not appreciating this line of questioning that lines up with the prime numbers/mult of 10. i will not be saying as they ALSO follow me on tumblr. though they don’t use it often. shout out to middle school.......

73: Tomorrow: hopefully wake up around 1 pm at the latest. make a plum smoothie. play some more minecraft and get more netherite (new update slaps). do more coding tutorials. get some writing done. the same ol same ol.

71: Next Summer: hopefully i will have a job lined up for the fall and the pandemic is Over. i would like to just [do nothing] for the last summer Ever before job starts. if i don’t have a job then it’s Job Hunting Time.

67: The person that makes me cry the most is: what the fuck...... like in a bad way? good way? cry of laughter? sadness? me, probably. my own damn brain be like “well it’s time to think about Yourself and be sad!” i know. very narcissistic of me. also dave filoni (director, producer, writer on clone wars).

61: My Car: not really mine. i just use it. beige 201? toyota camery. my brother tried to convince my dad he needed it more than i did last school year. my brother, who lived on campus in boston and flies to school from nc when he goes there, needs the car more than me, who lived off campus and drove to and from school to get back to nc, thinks he needed the car more than me. what a guy.

59: The movie I cried at was: last movie huh......... when was the last time i saw a movie? idk probably the rise of skywalker when leia died. i don’t know. i sure as hell didn’t cry at cats.

53: How do you like your steak cooked: i am vegetarian.

47: Who’s your best friend: @worthyghouls​ i guess. but also concept of “best friend” is so weird. No Best Friends. just lots of people i am good friends with. feels weird to all my other friends to pick One of them and be like “well i like you more than everyone else” :)

43: Do you have a 5 year plan: only in the vaguest vaguest vaguest sense. i would like to graduate with my bs degree. i would like to live in a city (doesn’t have to be a super big one. where im at rn is fine). i would like to have my first or second job i feel comfortable doing related to the degree i am getting. i would like to live in my own apartment (with roommates)/not with my parents. i would like to not be rent burdened. i would like my roommate to know how to take care of a cat or be okay with helping me learn how to take care of one. i would like to have a cat with said roommate. and that’s about it tbh. not very ambitious, i know. i just want a simple life......

41: Have you pre-named your children: bold of you to assume i will have children. no. if i ended up with child it would be like that tag on ao3 called “accidental baby acquisition” and i would name it on the spot.

30: Actress: hmm..... lauren marcus. lauren lopez. does fiona nova count if she’s going to be in rvb zero? also lindsay jones. aubrey plaza. idk. not many actresses i follow from project to project. it’s more i will see them in something and appreciate them in that role immensely. 

20: Holiday: halloween is pretty chill. just getting candy from strangers? dope. scary aesthetic? amazing. i also like christmas just for the sole fact that i get time off from [life].

10: Restaurant: a favorite restaurant??? who has one of those???? i sure don’t. and i’m not gonna say something cringey like olive garden or mcdonalds. i simply do not have one.

[changji]

Wow you really went off the other day but at least it was worth it 😪 I normally look at the scenery when I’m on a road trip, but then I get bored of it and decide to sleep bc there’s nothing else to do. Motion sickness must suck :(( do you take gravol or something to help with it? Coffee literally drains the life out of my funds it hurts me

Yes omg pls make me cookies I love them. Maybe you can even open a bakery with pastries and sell some good /cheap/ coffee. Ilyt my dear baker 🥺 ye I’m not the biggest fan of my bday either but gotta celebrate anyway!! One year closer to death woohoo 🎉🎉 your birthday is the most important day of the year!!! You can’t fight me on this I’m right

Pearls are so good. Like most places I go to don’t add anything to the pearls so it’s just bland squishy balls but the place I frequent adds I think honey to sweeten them. It gives the pearls life istg. It tastes so good 🤤 hollering is a funny word. For some reason I always associate it with yodelling which makes me laugh

Ksks you must be op if you can make a joke in the wall with a door slam. I can’t relate my arms are literally sticks and I have no strength in me. Chrome books are terrible in general. Add my schools terrible wifi and you get one big recipe for disaster. I’d never fight u either (unless it’s for your bday) ily too much for that 🥺🥺🥺

Hahah I think it’s me. I haven’t heard anyone say “go ham” except for the people who go to my school. I find it really funny tho so I try to incorporate it whenever I can LOL easily burnt? Can’t relate but apparently I easily tan. There’s this one diagonal stripe on my shoulder that separates pale me and tan me which ??? How did that happen and what was I wearing for that to happen??

It’s all fun and games until you go outside and see a mountain of snow waiting for you to be shovelled. But there are some good aspects to winter, like skating and skiing and all that fun stuff. Snow is so heavy?? Or maybe I’m just weak but after I finish shovelling I’m beat. Gardening is not my thing. There’s too many bugs involved flying around 🥴

Kind of? I always thought it was short for cappuccino but I could be wrong. They don’t taste like fraps tho, they’re sm better. I was always a frap hoe until I discovered lattes. My old elementary school was close to a Starbucks so whenever frappy hour was happening, my friends and I would go almost every day LOL

I heard that dunkin coffee is really good. Oof there’s so many things that the us have that Canada doesn’t. But apparently you guys don’t have ketchup chips?? How can one live without them? You know that’s what soulmates are, we’re stuck together forever and I don’t mind that. I’d never leave you 😌😌

YES OMG LATTES ARE SO EXPENSIVE. I pay around the same amount and my wallet cries every time. If you ever yeet yourself off a bridge I’d come visit u in hell and bring u iced coffee 💖 we really are soulmates wtf I get almond milk in my lattes as well!! I used to get normal milk and was like “I’m a bad bitch milk can’t hurt me” but that didn’t really work out. Sigh what we do for coffee 😔

Washing dishes is disgusting. I hate doing them but yk someone’s gotta do it and that someone is me 😤 I’m acc lazy when it comes to smoothies, I usually ask my mom to make them LMAO. Pancakes are pretty much made of flour if you think about it so technically when u eat one plain ur eating cooked flour,, how barbaric. Waffles are Built. Like. They have a 20 pack 😪😪

I love angst personally so pls go ham but not too ham I’d like to keep my heart. Honestly at this point my last brain cell has given up on me. But yes I love angst and I love torturing myself with heart wrenching angst that leaves me crying into my pillow at 3am (I’m talking about this one haikyuu fic that I forgot the name of. I was literally dying inside jalsjwo)

Pls do send me peet’s I’ll send you an iced capp in a cooler so it’ll be somewhat melted and probably spilt everywhere 🤪 tumblrs probably gonna block me again, I’m looking at how much I’ve typed rn and it’s a lot lmaoo. Yes I managed to save myself. I redid the whole last with less detail bc I was not Having It but it turned out better?? How is ur drawing now?

I start after labour day in September. But starting in 3 weeks?????? On a Thursday?? I could never wtf. When do you end? I’m so confused with these ap and honours thing, like there’s none offered in my school nor majority of the school district. Are they just advanced classes or something? It is 7 classes a semester or the whole year?

Stan talent i think you meant yourself??? Jsjsksk I am not only ur coffee soulmate I’m not #1 fan as well and I support u bc ily 🥺🥺 the read more tag had me laughing for a hot minute. Like we really could make an essay out of all of our replies. I don’t have any pets (besides fish does that count?) unfortunately bc my moms allergic to fur 🥺 hbu?? (I can’t believe tumblr blocked me again they can fight me)

-

i didn’t even pay LOL i freeloaded off my cousin 🤧 i like to look @ scenery sometimes but like i can’t bc my head hurts LOL and the scenery is always the same for me, mountains and fields with cows. i try to take dramamine but it makes me so drowsy that i’m just basically dead,,, i live off of my cousins money so i’m okay 🤪

tbh i use nestle toll house pre made cookie dough, like that shit actually slaps. it’s the best it’s so good omg, perfect for lazy hoes 🤧 death here we go ! the order is ur bday, then skz debut date, and then christmas i don’t make the rules sorry sis 😤

pearls are Dangerous, i once drank a smoothie and there were pearls in it and i couldn’t see them bc there were like. only 3 and they were Buried under the smoothie but i choked and almost died but i chewed one of them and it’s like. so weird. HOLLERING AND YODELING IM- i once went to some public yodeling class and left in 2 seconds bc it was a bunch of white boys dressed like the kid from walmart 😪

it’s not even strength i’m actually rly weak,, i always think the doors are closed but they’re not and so i like slam them open and the walls are thin so it’s just. a sad hole. terrible wifi,, my school has pretty good wifi tbh but we have like three connections, one for the chrome books only, one for the teachers & staff, and one for students and guests. like it works rly good but everyone has a VPN bc of stupid social media restrictions 😤 & ilyt 🥺 u would probably win in a fight tho LOL

go ham is so interesting. the first time i heard it i thought it meant go pig and i was so confused but ig,,, i live lathered in sun screen whenever i go somewhere with the sun. ppl are like “i smell sun screen” and im just there like 🙃 it’s me u got a problem u burnt chicken nugget ??? i wish i tanned easily, i have a tan friend and when i showed her when my legs got tan she was so confused. i thought i was tan tho? bc during marching band season my sock tan becomes So Bad i’m basically white. she said she was blinded when she saw me pull my sock down and i laughed so hard LOL & i hate those dumb random tan lines like. where u @ bro? where u come from??

snow is fun for like a day and then i get tired LOL i csn only handle wet socks and a red nose for so long 😔 i tried skiing one time and i did so bad that the instructor had to hold me down and walk with me down the slope. i fell so many times i think he hated me 😳 i’m also rly bad at skating? i went w my friends once and i held both of their hands and still managed to bring both of them down when i fell. a cute guy once helped me when i was struggling to walk so 🥴 not my brightest moment tbh,, trying to walk in skates while on ice. do u enjoy skiing/skating? also gardening is. gross. worms and dirt and the sun i’m not here for it.

u: cappuccinos! me: ...ice bergs,,, now that i think about it fraps kinda suck,,, i used to think i was So Cool for drinking starbucks but now i’m like. wow. i used to think there was coffee in a frap but it’s just. sugar and ice LOL also speaking of tmrw is bogo fraps here,, idk if it’s all over the world but myb u should check it out 😪

dunkins okay it depends on what you get, i once got an iced latte and it was good but my dad got an iced coffee and he like. hated it so we had to switch and it was so bad like. it was coffee crime. it was horrible and not strong it was basically milk 😤 also,, ketchup chip? i just googled what that was and. that’s literally so weird. fun fact i hate ketchup and all other condiments i can only eat bbq sauce and i tolerate steak sauce

UR LITERALLY SO CUTE OKAY UR MINE NOW HHHH

i mentioned this in the other ask but. we going broke bitches club 😪 when u come visit me it’ll be old town road the one w mason ramsey on a loop. nothing will top the og remix but no, i’ll be stuck listening to some 5 year old rap for all of eternity

I USED TO BE SUCH A GOOD KID AND DRINK MILK EVERY MORNING ever since i got to middle school i preferred sleep over waffles and milk and i hardly drink milk but when i do. my stomach does not have it.

my mom made me wash dishes today and she just stared at me when i put ziploc bags on my hands bc we didn’t have gloves but i just painted my nails and i’m not abt to put myself thru chipped nails. not yet 😤 waffles are so good like i love waffles and lattes only 🤧

well i’ll go very ham (am i doing it right LOL) 😤 the angst ending is a lot better than the open ended or happy ones LOL i’m so excited for it 🥺 i’m rly tryna get it out before the end of this month bc the edit says july and it’ll make me Mad if i don’t get it out before the end of this month

i wanna start in september 🤧 and i usually end in the first week of june. also on a wednesday LOL it’s gross. stupid. ap means advanced placement so it’s just. a college level class. lowkey mad bc i’m taking ap euro (as a sophomore 😒) and other schools take it in their senior years? apparently this is normal? and honors are just faster paced classes with more weighting so,, idrk oops 😬 some people take 7 classes in a semester but i took it for the whole year! this year i’m dropping orchestra i’m Not for that spit in the carpet life

the only talent in this house goes by ada and jisung. i don’t make the rules. i’m ur #1 fan 🥺 as soon as u post anything i automatically smash that rb button LOL also put a read more here bc like. we’re really out here writing a whole ass essay. i’ll look @ all our convos bet it’ll be like. a lot. i don’t wanna say smth and be off so i’ll just not. i have a dog! he’s the cutest in the world and i love him sm 🥺 tumblr can fight me first like. what’s this ask limit bull hhhhh

[arrival-layne]

kara i just, ive always loved ur shatt art and im wondering if u intend on making any more? i hope that doesnt sound rude, i dont mean it in a demanding way! i just love my boys sm and u do good work w them

Oh my goodness you are not being rude at all!! I’m really happy you love my shatt art, lol. 

To be honest I haven’t really been making that much art ever since I got back from college. I’ve been going through a really hard time, mostly struggling with my anxiety/panic disorder. 

It’s like suddenly I’ve lost interest in all the things I love. I just haven’t been able to draw. I’m having trouble socializing and basically functioning as a whole. my life is going through a big transition rn and It’s just messing with me is all. 

I am recieving help and working to get better though, so no worries I’ll be busting out some art soon enough. :)

[0i5d1k9]

I miss u too...

But we can't erase nor change the past

I miss your fashion advices and how you knew exatcly what would look good on me, and I wish I could still ask u about that. I also miss singing with u, and receiving advices on singing too. I love to sing, but I'm shy and I know I dont sing that well for many reasons. I miss playing piano together. I miss playing piano for you to sing. I miss singing duets with you. I miss learning french with you. I miss our plans of visiting your mom and sister and my relatives in Europe. I miss talking to your mom, your 2 cousings, I miss helping one of them in her english activities.

I miss telling the crazy story of when you mom and aunt came to my church in Brazil to sing, when I was 14, all the way from France. She taught the church a children's song in French and challenged someone to sing there in the front to win a signed cd. And I went and they complimented my French and asked if I studied French bc it was so good. 4 years later we went to the same college, and worked in the same place from a hundred of places to work. I worked in a different department, then later in a different time of the day, until we had to see each other every day and had to work one weekend per month working together. I miss your coding nagging you saying that she knew your best friend first than you. That was just too much coincidence

But I think we screwed everything. I sometimes wished I didnt have asked my friend to ask u to the farm with us. I wish I hadn't asked u if u still wanted to talk. I wish u had ignored us and went to see the girl u liked. I wish I didnt hurt u that day and u didnt have asked for a kiss in return. I wish I went to kiss your hand instead of your mouth. I wish I had backed away when u told me you liked many girls, and I wasn't the most special, I was just some of them. I told u I was strong. I thought I was. I wasn't.

How would we be today? If we decided to be just friends... I liked someone else more than I liked you. And you liked someone else more than u liked me. And yet we got so involved. We both were just trying to heal our wounds together. But we didnt wanted it was each other. We only wanted something else.

You manipulated me. You rejected me. You treated me badly when I was just there for you all the time. Yes, you hurted me more than I hurted you, that time. And then later the tables turned. I was so hurt, I had so much hate for everything I had been through, I couldn't see it had turned. I was the one hurting you on purpose. What you made me go through made me want to kill myself. And I even tried a year later. That was the only thing I could see. But now that this is gone, now that I'm feeling weightless, I can see how I was unfair to u too. U shouldn't treat people's with cruelty even if they were cruel to you. In my Instagram u can see the phrase "And when it's all rocks, throw the first flower". And when I knew the tables had turned I just wished u to hate me. It would be easier to hate you. But u didn't. You showed me the compassion, and you begged for another chance.

But then, a lot of things made me crazy. I hated to see u with someone else 1 month later after I ended up everything. You made me suffer over a year, and now life was just rainbow for you. I wanted u to suffer just how I had. I wanted u to be happy, just not in your love life. At least, not so fast. That seemed so unfair to you. And u told me u had changed, that you would treat her with respect. But u spent a lot of time nagging me about how u wanted to break up with her, or how u wanted her to break up with you so u could focus just on coming after me. A lot of other things happened. But I'm talking about you rn, so I'm just telling I what u contributed for me to decide to kill myself that morning.

One thing that helps with me not wanting to talk to you anymore. After what happened, the first time u tried to contact me, was to say you wanted to kill me. I was really afraid. At the same time I knew you wouldn't have the guts to do that, and that u were just talking shit bc u knew I just wanted u to be unhappy even if you treated me like a princess in the moment and u respected my relationship even when u still wanted me. U talked everything that was on your mind. I now recognize it. Even if it was just some bullshit u thought but didnt really felt that way. I usually could tell what was bullshit and what wasn't, but it still hurted anyway.

I read everything. I like reading the emails u send me. It's always about how you still cheer up for me even if I don't want to talk to you anymore. I cheer up for u too now. Now that I finally got rid of my hatred, and the pain I was in the past. I can't erase the scars. Our relationship will never more be the same. My boyfriend knows all the shit I have been through with you, I called him to say I wanted to kill me so many times, he hates you. And I can't see me getting closer to you and making him so uncomfortable like that. And he is not wrong on thinking that I'm better not talking to you. I still think it's my decision, but it's not going to stop him thinking that I am stupid and other things. I think that's normal for him to feel the way he does and I respect it the same way I wanted he to respect it if I was in his place... Also you girlfriend hates me and that's for no reason. He hated me from the start. I mean I have her no reason to hate me. You probably did. I wanted u to be unhappy somewhere inside me, but u know I couldn't be evil even with a fly. So I would still help u to be happy even dying inside. Which I did. But I can't control my mental problems, which u helped to cause.

I have so many questions about us. I don't think about that everytime, it's actually very rare. But the count is not zero. I probably will write more as if I'm talking to you. There is still much I want to say. Most are not good things, nor good memories. But I hope you're doing fine. I see u struggling in the emails u sent me. But u have a girlfriend, and if u still with her until now, is bc she helps u. And I'm letting she do her job. I know you have other friends and no one is ever gonna be like me lol, but u can lean on them too. Do that. Trust other people. Your trust in me won't fail nor will I loose valor to you if u find another best friend. I think u might even forget me and treat me as a stranger. Come on, there are a lot of other girls better than me to be your best friend. I dont really believe what u say that u will always feel the same way about me. U changes sm. But it's good the feeling I was like this to you at least for some time. I know I can count on u if things get really dark in my life, and I would probably help u if u asked me for something that wouldn't get me out of my comfort zone. Just be happy and live your life. U know u can do that without me... I wish you all the best.

And now I finish with the question that circles around the most in my head:

What if we had been just friends since the beginning?

[brutalmade-blog]

LONG  OOC  NONSENSE.

IN  SUMMARY  ;     ily  !!    sorry  i  rambled  a  lot  under  the  cut.    pls  continue  to  be  patient  bc  im  a  sickly  smol  but  i  will  be  around.    and  im  hella  chuffed  about  my  achievements  recently  and  i  wanna  Talk  to  u  guys  ooc  and  plot  more  but  pls  be  patient  and  ily  all  sm  and  thank  u  for  all  the  love  and  support  ok.

SO  BASICALLY  MY  PHYSICAL  AND  MENTAL  HEALTH       has  been  v  v  poor  recently  and  i’ve  been  really  struggling.    im  basically  a  faulty  human  being.    i  was  not  born  fully  functioning  which  is  truly  a  pain  in  the  arse.    i  have  autism  spectrum  disorder  and  sensory  processing disorder  which  is  fun.    my  immune  system  hates  me  bc  i  have  diabetes  mellitus - 1 ,    a  generally  poor  and  faulty  immune  system  that  attacks  itself ,    and  something  called  primary  ciliary  dyskinesia ,    pcd ,    or  kartagener’s  syndrome  which  effects  my  ears ,    sinuses  and  lungs.    it  also  creates  depression  and  fatigue.    i’ve  been  recovering  from  pneumonia  which  only  went  away  a  week  or  so  ago  and  i  was  in  a  Lot  of  pain  and  distress  and  there  was  fear  of  partially  collapsed  lung  which  there  always  is  with  pcd.    but  it’s  been  a  bad  and  scary  few  weeks  so  i  haven’t  been  around  a  lot  so  thank  u  v  much  for  ur  patience !!    

also  !    currently  i  am  back  to  sit  my  exams  for  a  levels.    this  is  not  a  huge  deal  but  it  was  a  big  choice.    i  dont  actually  attend  college  and  i  began  working  through  home  schooling  v  young  with  uni  work  and  i  just  really  wanted  to  actually  sit  the  a  level  qualification  through  my  local  college  who  were  kind  enough  to  help.    and  have  it  so  now  im  nearly  20  and  i  did  it  all  on  my  own  and  it  was  a  lot  of  stress  and  work  woo  and  im  v  proud  of  myself  especially  bc  my  health  has  been  so  shit  recently.    my  education  is  another  long  and  boring  story  so  ill  save  it  but  basically  im  Proud  rn  to  be  sitting  the  exams  even  tho  technically  i  am  now  academically  late  for  something  for  the  first  time  in  my  life.    i  just  wanted  to  prove  to  myself  that  i  could  do  it  bc  i  havent  ever  gone  to  high  school  and  im  supposed  to  be  actually  attending  a  proper  university  like  a  normal  person  in  october  and  idk.    im  v  worried  about  my  health  and  autism  bc  i  have  no  family  support  but  im  super  excited !!  

[sambashua]

11 questions tag~

i was tagged by the wonderful @jaehyunscult​ (ty ily mariel my soulmate you’re the cutest) 

So i’m gonna answer these questions mariel made and then come up with my own questions but i’m super boring (pt. 82741) sOOO HERE WE GOOOOOOO (AGAIN)

1. If you could time travel: past, present or future? Why?
 oohhhh probably future bc i’m a nosey bitch and i wanna know The Good Facts™ abt the future haaaa

2. What’s your favorite ice cream flavor? just wanna find out new flavors tbh.
 i’m pretty basic tbh i usually get coffee ice cream! it’s always been my dad’s favorite and i used to hate it when i was younger but nowwww (dear god i’m turning into my dad send help my sister can confirm)

3. Your craziest moment and what happened? UMMM this is p difficult bc my life is generally boring ish except i’m generally pretty awkward??? okay at first i wrote smth super embarrassing then deleted it so i’ll do smth fun!! my sister and i saw State Champs at a concert and we got a picture w Derek! and i was wearing floaties for a school thing and he said he liked them and i cried ah it was wild:) (you can ask for the pic if ya wanttttt)


4. Hobbies?
 Other than kpop things i’ve been seriously doing photography for 5 years! and before that i had been interested in it low key since i was rlly young (there’s a picture of me when i was two “reading” a photography magazine upside down man was i cute) and also i really like to read~ oh and dance aye

5. What do you do when you’re having a bad day? umm when i have a bad day tbh i just go on w my life usually and bottle up my feelings :^) unless i’m really really sad ? then i sleep a lot aha i don’t rlly do anything special... sometimes i talk to my friends ? but i’m not rlly the rant-y type... i don’t think (except to kat i am so sorry)


6. Honestly, you’re favorite thing in the world!
 ummm jeon wonwoo tbh but probably friendship:)

7. Places you’d like to visit/live in. this is rlly hard bc i legit want to visit everywhere??? i’ve never thought too much abt where i’d want to live after uni but i’m pretty adaptable so anywhere... but i mostly want to go anywhere in central/south america and asia!! ofc south korea and japan but also anywhere that speaks spanish or brazil so i can meet my girl val~


8. When did start your tumblr?
 i made a random tumblr a couple years ago to stalk my sister lol but i had my very first post on June 3, 2016 and it was jeon wonwoo (i expect anniversary gifts ok it’s comin up mhm)

9. Something you would like to do today? um well it’s 23:30 rn so tomorrowwww i’m gonna pick up the next book of throne of glass from cass nd i’m meeting my friends for dinner bleh and I NEED TO GET A JOB AH SO PLZ THAT WOULD BE NICE also i should paint my nails bc it’s been like a week and this is the longest i’ve gone w/o painting them for literally as long as i can remember?


10. What annoys you the most?
 ignorant people/people who take a stance on a subject they know nothing about but don’t consider the view point of others/people who judge others based on religion, culture, race, sexuality or gender

11. What would like to achieve this year? i want to get a good job and survive my third semester of college and maybe get an internship and make more journalism friends bc kat is gonna get sick of me hanging around her 24/7 rip

1. What song always makes you want to get up and dance?

2. What is your favorite scent? (this sounds so weird omg but mine is rain fun fact)

3. How would you want your future significant other to address you? (a pet name, nickname, etc.)

4. What are your favorite and least favorite words?

5. If you could travel anywhere for one day where would you go and what would you do and who would you go with?

6. What idol/idol group would you want to spend spring break with?

7. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE KIND OF DOG/A DOG YOU WANT (if you don’t like dogs thennn sorry i guess but i rlly love corgis and german shepards)

8. What’s your favorite pick up line?

9. Describe yourself in 5 words or less.

10. What are your favorite songs lyrics (or any quote)?

11. (I AM LITERALLY COPYING WHAT CLAUDIA ASKED ME LAST TIME BUT IT’S SUCH A GOOD QUESTION) If you could create your own sm station and make a group with five members from any kpop group that exists (girls, boys or even mixed), who would you pick and what would be the concept of the group?

honestly last time i struggled with just eight questions wow last time i did this the tags didn’t work so here’s hoping this time is better~~

i’m tagging @aegyovendingmachine @atshinee @everyonesabiaswrecker @taeismyking @s-lay-ing @kyungminie @hypeho @jungnoir @binsmoon @solarkwan and anyone else who wants to do this tag if you want!!

[trufflez17]

1-200 go!

200: My crush’s name is: Nick
199: I was born in: 1997 
198: I am really: intoxicated rn
197: My cellphone company is: AT&T
196: My eye color is: blue
195: My shoe size is: too big
194: My ring size is: haha
193: My height is: 5 ft 9 in
192: I am allergic to: pineapples 😭
191: My 1st car was: 1999 Ford Explorer
190: My 1st job was: a cashier
189: Last book you read: I, Ripper by Stephen Hunter
188: My bed is: a Queen size and I LOVE IT
187: My pet: is basically my child and I love her so much
186: My best friend: I have 3 and I love them sm 
185: My favorite shampoo is: uh....I can’t remember
184: Xbox or ps3: Xbox
183: Piggy banks are: so cute
182: In my pockets: I’m wearing women jeans, there are no pockets
181: On my calendar: dates of trips, due dates, work times
180: Marriage is: (personal view) something special and I feel should be shared with one person cause if you marry me, ya ass stuck with me
179: Spongebob can: suck one
178: My mom: is funny
177: The last three songs I bought were? Life Worth Living by Laurel River by Bishop BriggsSwag by Danielle Bradbery
176: Last YouTube video watched: no idea tbh
175: How many cousins do you have? Too many
174: Do you have any siblings? Too many lol but 4 that I know of
173: Are your parents divorced? Yeeeep
172: Are you taller than your mom? Way taller 
171: Do you play an instrument? Nah
170: What did you do yesterday? Came back home [ I Believe In ]
169: Love at first sight: eh
168: Luck: yes
167: Fate: yep
166: Yourself: ha, some days
165: Aliens: yeah!
164: Heaven: eh
163: Hell: lol yeah
162: God: I believe there’s multiple Gods
161: Horoscopes: low key
160: Soul mates: I have a weird explanation in this but ultimately yes
159: Ghosts: yes
158: Gay Marriage: Hell Yeah
157: War: eh
156: Orbs: yep
155: Magic: kinda[ This or That ]
154: Hugs or Kisses: kisses
153: Drunk or High: drunk
152: Phone or Online: phone
151: Red heads or Black haired: hmmm....
150: Blondes or Brunettes: Brunettes
149: Hot or cold: Cold
148: Summer or winter: Winter
147: Autumn or Spring: Autumn
146: Chocolate or vanilla: Vanilla
145: Night or Day: Day
144: Oranges or Apples: Apples
143: Curly or Straight hair: both?
142: McDonalds or Burger King: neither omg
141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: Milk Chocolate 
140: Mac or PC: Mac
139: Flip flops or high heals: Flip Flops
138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: Sweet and poor
137: Coke or Pepsi: Pepsi
136: Hillary or Obama: Obama
135: Burried or cremated: Buried
134: Singing or Dancing: Singing
133: Coach or Chanel: uh?
132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: who?
131: Small town or Big city: somewhere in the middle? 
130: Wal-Mart or Target: Wal Mart
129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: Adam Sandler
128: Manicure or Pedicure: Manicure
127: East Coast or West Coast: West Coast
126: Your Birthday or Christmas: Birthday
125: Chocolate or Flowers: flowers
124: Disney or Six Flags: Disney
123: Yankees or Red Sox: neither tbh[ Here’s What I Think About ]
122: War: I don’t think it’s necessary but I mean, if that’s the last thing to do, then okay. 
121: George Bush: he did 9/11
120: Gay Marriage: fully fucking support it and you can fuck off if you’re against it cause wtf does it involve you? 
119: The presidential election: a fucking Cheeto won, does that tell you?
118: Abortion: Pro Choice
117: MySpace: I low key miss it
116: Reality TV: I haaaaate it
115: Parents: love my mom, my dad can suck one
114: Back stabbers: karma’s a bitch baby
113: Ebay: whO is she?
112: Facebook: My daily dose of gossip tbh
111: Work: I hate that shit
110: My Neighbors: I never see them sooooo
109: Gas Prices: are INSANE
108: Designer Clothes: I’m too broke
107: College: I’m struggling but I’m here
106: Sports: eh
105: My family: moms side: LOVE dads side: fuck em
104: The future: well, we’ll see[ Last time I ]
103: Hugged someone: Yesterday 
102: Last time you ate: like 20 minutes ago
101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: tonight 
100: Cried in front of someone: it’s been a minute
99: Went to a movie theater: last week
98: Took a vacation: end of February
97: Swam in a pool: last summer
96: Changed a diaper: two days ago omfg
95: Got my nails done: 3 weeks ago
94: Went to a wedding: I think 2016
93: Broke a bone: never
92: Got a peircing: 2 months ago
91: Broke the law: speed everyday lol
90: Texted: a few minutes ago[ MISC ]
89: Who makes you laugh the most: my bff’s
88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: my step moms mashed potatoes
87: The last movie I saw: The Greatest Showman
86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: going on vacation next week
85: The thing im not looking forward to: work
84: People call me: bitchy, mean, the normal shit
83: The most difficult thing to do is: be completely open
82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: never
81: My zodiac sign is: IMMA VIRGO
80: The first person i talked to today was: Nick (I responded to his message)
79: First time you had a crush: like 5th grade?
78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: my best friend
77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: 10 minutes ago
76: Right now I am talking to: Ashley and Sarah cause we’re all pretty fucked
75: What are you going to do when you grow up: be an adult I suppose
74: I have/will get a job: I have one I hate
73: Tomorrow: is Sunday
72: Today: is Saturday
71: Next Summer: I’m going to Cali
70: Next Weekend: I’ll be packing for Hilton Head
69: I have these pets: My Shelley Bean
68: The worst sound in the world: NAIL FILERS
67: The person that makes me cry the most is: Myself
66: People that make you happy: my best friends and Nick
65: Last time I cried: Earlier today
64: My friends are: LIT
63: My computer is: a POS
62: My School: is alright 
61: My Car: is also a POS
60: I lose all respect for people who: put blame on victims, bash on people based on race, religion, sexuality, gender, etc..
59: The movie I cried at was: Lone Survivor
58: Your hair color is: reddish brown
57: TV shows you watch: Sons of Anarchy, Shadowhunters
56: Favorite web site: Tumblr and YouTube
55: Your dream vacation: Explore Europe
54: The worst pain I was ever in was: when I had a fucking cyst leak in my ovaries
53: How do you like your steak cooked: medium well
52: My room is: a mess
51: My favorite celebrity is: Theo Rossi and Jennifer Lawrence
50: Where would you like to be: anywhere but here
49: Do you want children: maybe
48: Ever been in love: if that’s what you want to call it
47: Who’s your best friend: Ashley, Sarah, and Destinee
46: More guy friends or girl friends: girl friends
45: One thing that makes you feel great is: my pupper 
44: One person that you wish you could see right now: Nick
43: Do you have a 5 year plan: lol no
42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: nope
41: Have you pre-named your children: my son, yes
40: Last person I got mad at: my father
39: I would like to move to: Texas or Colorado 
38: I wish I was a professional: pet cuddler[ My Favorites ]
37: Candy: Kit Kats 
36: Vehicle: Ford everything
35: President: Obama
34: State visited: Nevada
33: Cellphone provider: AT&T
32: Athlete: Nia Jax and Roman Reigns (WWE wrestlers)
31: Actor: Hugh Jackman
30: Actress: Jennifer Lawrence
29: Singer: Brantley Gilbert
28: Band: Nickelback
27: Clothing store: Torrid
26: Grocery store: Wal Mart
25: TV show: Sons of Anarchy
24: Movie: The Greatest Showman
23: Website: YouTube or Tumblr
22: Animal: Dogs
21: Theme park: don’t have one
20: Holiday: my birthday
19: Sport to watch: Football
18: Sport to play: basketball
17: Magazine: don’t have one
16: Book: The House Of Night Series
15: Day of the week: Tuesday
14: Beach: Palm Coast
13: Concert attended: Nickelback
12: Thing to cook: Chicken
11: Food: Chinese food
10: Restaurant: No idea honestly
9: Radio station: don’t listen to it
8: Yankee candle scent: uuuuhhhhh
7: Perfume: something from Bath & Body Works
6: Flower: Tulips
5: Color: Red is Blue
4: Talk show host: Ellen DeGeneres (intoxicated, can’t spell) 
3: Comedian: Gabrielle Iglesias
2: Dog breed: Blue Heelers and Pit Bulls
1: Did you answer all these truthfully? YeeepThanks anon