#i am so sorry for putting the goddamn bible in the tags holy shit

[waywardlampcookieturkey]

The one thing I still haven't seen anyone talking about when mentioning Xie Lian's gigantic statue that Hua Cheng carved when he was inside the kiln is that... Well, He Xuan also went into the kiln... years after Hua Cheng came out I'm pretty sure... Do you see where I'm going with this????

[nauseateddrive]

PROFILING by Alan Swyer

Pre-meeting chit-chat was about to give way to serious shop talk in a Burbank office at the NBC Studio when suddenly there was a knock on the door. The four men gathered together turned as in stepped an apologetic assistant named Ginger.

“Sorry, Mr. Young,” she said to the silver-haired man presiding, “but there’s an urgent call for Mr. Lerner.”

Mike Lerner excused himself, then followed Ginger into the hall. “It’s your wife,” she informed him. “She asked you to call ASAP.”

Pulling out his iPhone, Lerner wandered down the hall to a quiet spot from which he could gaze at the San Fernando Mountains. “Know how I’m always telling you not to make trouble?” asked his wife Julie when she answered on first ring.

“Yeah.”

“Now it’s time to make trouble.”

“Because?”

“Our son and his friend Lonnie are accused of shoplifting.”

“Holy shit!”

“My words exactly,” replied Julie.

“Where?”

“The Best Buy in West L.A.”

Lerner’s drive west on the Ventura Freeway, then south on the 405, was a balancing act between trying to set speed records while not being nailed by the Highway Patrol. Yet as fast as his Audi was racing, his mind was going faster, and not because he’d walked out on the heads of the News Division.

Though Lerner’s son had inherited many of his own traits – among them a taste for pranks, plus a healthy disdain for authority – neither Jake nor his friend Lonnie was a candidate for serious trouble.

Despite a need to keep a cool head, Lerner found both his blood pressure and ire skyrocketing as he wove in and out of lanes, then at last exited the freeway to enter the Best Buy parking lot. Into the megastore Lerner strode like a man possessed, accosting a security guard who led him to what seemed like a holding pen. There, two fourteen-year-olds whose lips were quivering – Jake and Lonnie – stood under the disapproving gaze of the manager, whose name tag read C. Norkus, and the assistant manager, N. Martinez.

“I’m Mike Lerner,” he announced before addressing Jake and Lonnie, who were standing balefully in the corner. “Have a seat, kids,” he told them.

“They’ll sit when I tell ‘em to,” snarled Norkus.

“Bullshit!” Lerner exclaimed decisively, giving each of the boys a hug before ushering them toward chairs.

“What in hell is going on?” Lerner then demanded of the two managers.

“I don’t like your tone,” Norkus retorted huffily.

“If you’re trying to put me on the defensive,” replied Lerner, “you’ve got the wrong guy.”

“Want us to call the police?” snarled Martinez, coming to his boss’s assistance.

“That a threat?” asked Lerner, pulling out his iPhone. “I’ll do it for you, to let ‘em know two really nice kids – one white, the other black – are being held captive.”

“Race has nothing to do with this,” insisted Martinez.

“Says who?” insisted Lerner.

“Plus,” snapped Norkus, “you don’t even know what happened.”

“Because you two geniuses haven’t given me an explanation.”

“You can’t talk to us like that!” sneered Martinez.

“I just did. Now you going to explain, or do I call the cops?”

“We found the kids stealing tons of stuff.” offered Norkus.

“PlayStation 5, burner phones, batteries –” added Martinez.

“And where exactly was this?” demanded Lerner.

“In the store,” was Norkus’s answer.

“Not on the moon?” replied Lerner.

“That’s not funny,” sneered Martinez.

“Do I sound like I’m being funny?” Lerner shot back. “What exactly put it in your heads that these two nice kids were shoplifting?”

“We have our methods,” answered Norkus defensively.

“Before they’ve even gotten to the checkout?” wondered Lerner.

“You bet!” shouted Martinez.

“Did you see them sticking big boxes under their shirts? Or into their pants?”

“Not the point,” insisted Norkus.

“How about footage?” asked Lerner. “Got that?”

“Like I said,” snarled Norkus. “We’ve got out methods.”

Lerner studied the two employees dubiously. “Know what your methods sound like?”

“I bet you’re gonna tell us,” said Norkus.

“Ever heard of racial profiling?” stated Lerner.

“You calling us racists?” bellowed Norkus, his face turning bright red, causing Jake Lerner to elbow his buddy Lonnie.

“Your actions are the answer,” Lerner avowed. “So tell me, since you’re so damn smart. Any idea what I do for a living?”

“Bet you’re gonna say you’re a lawyer,” grumbled Martinez.

“To my mother’s chagrin, no. But for you clowns, what I do is worse.”

“Why?” mustered Norkus, his self-importance having seriously diminished.

“Because I make documentaries. Ever heard of NBC?”

“Who do you think we are?” asked Martinez, feigning hurt feelings.

“Sure you want an answer? Right now, I’m doing one for ‘em about the breakthroughs in the treatment of diabetes. Pretty good soapbox, huh? But know why that’s different from what I

usually do?”

“Why?” mumbled Norkus.

“Because most of the time I’m a muckraker. Since that word’s probably above your pay grade,

I’ll explain. I expose dirt, scandals, and wrongdoing.”

“H-how do we know that’s true?” stammered Norkus.

“Google me. But know what? To keep other kids from being subjected to bigotry –”

“Bigotry?” yelled an incensed Norkus.

“I think I’ll reach out to someone who’ll be pretty interested. Want to guess who?”

“I’m sure you’ll tell us,” groused Martinez.

“Ever heard of Jesse Jackson?”

Fuming, Norkus paced back and forth before pointing a finger at Lerner. “How do I know

you’re not talking through your goddamn hat?”

Lerner smiled icily. “Here’s the fun part. You don’t. Maybe I’m just bluffing,” he said, turning

toward Jake and Lonnie. “Right, guys?”

Despite the way their mistreatment, both teenagers managed a laugh. Then Lerner once again

faced Norkus and Martinez. “Here’s the scoop. If I’m making it up, everything I’ve said falls

apart. Right?”

The two managers nodded.

“But if it’s true,” Lerner continued, “let’s examine the consequences. First, I’d say the two of you will be out of a job, with a black mark against you in perpetuity.” Once more, Lerner turned to Jake and Lonnie. “Right, guys?”

After watching both kids nod vigorously, Lerner again addressed the management team. “Then there’s the fact that these two kids will likely own this store.”

“You trying to shake us down?” demanded Martinez.

Lerner glared. “Extortion’s a serious charge, buddy boy.”

“I ain’t your goddamn buddy!”

“No shit!” countered Lerner, drawing chuckles from Jake and Lonnie. “Tell you what. Since

you two like to play tough guy, let’s see what you’re made of. Willing to bet on who I am, or what I claim to be? Willing to risk your livelihood, your reputations, and your careers?”

No response was forthcoming as Norkus and Martinez remained mute.

“What happened to the bravado?” asked Lerner, rubbing in it. “Where’s the macho show and the swagger?”

Norkus and Martinez exchanged glances, then the manager spoke. “Why,” he asked softly, “are you making such a goddamn big deal out of this?”

“I could say,” answered Lerner, “I’m offended that you pulled this on two really nice kids. I can add that I like to see justice prevail. But there’s also a third reason. Ready?”

Both Norkus and Martinez shrugged.

“If it happens to them, and nothing’s done, it’d keep happening to others. Most of those kids won’t have someone like me on their side. What’s that mean? More and more racism.”

“I resent that!” snapped Martinez.

“Tough shit!” was Lerner’s rejoinder. “Letting the world know what goes on here would be a public service.”

Lerner studied the two crestfallen managers, then spoke again. “So what’s the verdict, guys?”

Forty minutes later, three people emerged from the store, their arms laden with PlayStations, cell phones, and other electronics.

“Thanks, Mr. Lerner,” said a grateful Lonnie.

“You were great, dad,” added a beaming Jake.

“So what did you guys learn,” asked Lerner once the acquisitions were placed in the trunk, and all of them were seated in his Audi.

“Stick up for yourself?” ventured Jake.

Lerner nodded. “And?”

“Tell us,” said Lonnie.

“Never let the turkeys get you down. And know what? There are far too many turkeys in this world.”

Lerner started the car and headed toward the exit, then turned suddenly toward Lonnie. “Your mom’s a churchgoer, right?”

“Every Sunday,” said Lonnie.

“Don’t tell her, but there’s something you ought to know. Ready?”

“You bet.”

“Despite what it says in the Bible, the meek don’t always inherit the earth.”

Alan Swyer is an award-winning filmmaker whose recent documentaries have dealt with Eastern spirituality in the Western world, the criminal justice system, diabetes, boxing, and singer Billy Vera. In the realm of music, among his productions is an album of Ray Charles love songs. His novel 'The Beard' was recently published by Harvard Square Editions.