#i am so happy liam payne died

[feministfang]

The more i see a woman hanging out with misogynistic males and being defensive of them, the more she appears ugly to me.

This is why i make sure not to surround myself with these disgusting, braindead idiots cause you have this male energy traces on yourself. I ignore all the men on this planet cause their energy is so negative, and you carry that energy with yourself which makes you ugly from both outside and inside, so stay thousands of kilometres away from me.

These women think they are looking so cool but no, you are actually a very pathetic vile creature and i don’t mind bullying the shit out of you to put you in your place.

Sometimes, the mean girl attitude is necessary to bring out. Give these women some pressure and intimidate them and also shame them for being the traitors amongst all women, and they will stay in their lane.

[twopoppies]

some words:

i don’t know if anyone here has ever lost a relative, or has ever lost a loved one. i’m sure some people have. but, to those who haven’t, i thought i might share some words. my mom died nine years ago, when i was thirteen. and about a year ago, i lost my dad, too. and the thing is, the grief that comes with losing someone really close is… man. the physical loss is loud. the physical aspect is really painful. it’s like something has been removed, torn apart, ripped from you. the absence keeps ringing, making itself known. to know that person existed and they’re now just gone, as in you’ll never hear their voice again, never see them laugh again, never talk again, never touch. the loss is so deep, so real.

but then, what happens when an artist dies? the physical aspect of loss is not there, because there was never a presence to begin with. so it is so different. it’s not nearly the same pain. but there is something.

i was never a fan of liam payne. i was never a directioner. i started to listen to their songs and care about their careers in 2016, when they were no longer. then i became a larrie, and i became a hardcore fan of harry, so liam was always… there. i was aware of him, i knew some lore, he was in the fanfic i’ve been reading for over five years. if it’d been any other musician, it would be a tragedy, a shock, yes, but it just wouldn’t have affected me. this one felt a little bit close to home. because, even though i’ve never felt a strong connection to him, i do know what it’s like to be a hardcore fan.

being a fangirl has always been a part of me. all my life. it’s the hours you spend in front of the computer, watching videos, interviews, shows. it’s the energy invested. for so many people it is the happiness, the joy, the pleasure of their lives. it’s a shelter from the reality of the world. it’s so important.

now that liam is gone, i feel like the shelter from has suffered a rupture. it’s like someone has dipped a bucket of cold water all over us. these last couple of days have given me the daunting realization that this shelter is not actually safe from the harsh world and its cruel ways. which feels wrong, because this space is supposed to be a protection.

for so many years now i’ve been fantasizing about meeting harry one day. talking to him. hugging him. and when i imagine it, when i picture it, i feel like it’s a real possibility. like it’s gonna happen some day, like there’s a chance. rationally, i know my chances are low. but emotionally, it’s a want, it’s a desire, and, in my daydreams, a certainty. and in my personal feelings, there’s no one else to dedicate these feelings to. he is the artist for me.

to imagine meeting this person, talking to them, hugging them, but knowing that there’s no real, concrete possibility of it in the world? it’s like the end of our deepest affections. i would be so torn. there’d be no one else to admire they way i admire them, there would be no longer a shelter from the world. being a fangirl is so much a part of who i am, has been throughout all my life, so i wouldn’t even know who i am without it.

all of this to say. there’s no physical pain, but there is pain. and it is so significant. my heart is with all of you who are hardcore fans of liam. music, theater, books, paintings. all art that is made in the world has a reason for being. it’s because we need it. we are humans, and reality is cruel. it’s not enough. we need something other, something that goes beyond, to help us get through. to have a rupture in something that is so inherently important is truly devastating. whatever you’re feeling right now is so, so valid. although the loss was not physical, something was taken. and that something runs really deep.

this thing that happened is horrible. i truly feel for liam. he deserved the chance to get better, and to go peacefully, when the time came, gently. this really is devastating. may the hearts of all the ones who knew him find peace.

Thank you so much for this. And I’m so sorry you lost your parents when you are still so young. 🩷

[wildpeachfarm]

Hi, Moku!

It’s been awhile, and firstly, I just want to say I hope you’re good.

Secondly, I just needed to process this with someone. As I’m sure everyone has been well aware, Liam Payne died yesterday. All my love and support go to his family, friends and the rest of the boys right now. I was at work when I first saw the news, so I didn’t really have a chance to process and digest the news. I’m home now and sat on my bed crying for the past ten minutes, hopped in the shower, turned 1D on my speaker, and cried some more in the shower.

Now that I’ve digested the news, I have some thoughts to share. To everyone feeling conflicted about mourning his death after all the information came out about him being an abuser, I just want to say: I was 12 years old when I was introduced to One Direction-in sixth grade. They were my first concert, and one of the only things that got me through my formative years. I am 11 days away from my 25th birthday, and although I don’t support the person he became, I’m still mourning. Cause a piece of my childhood died yesterday; a piece that made life easier for me and I hold onto fondly. My point is this: you can mourn the memories and the person you were introduced to while also acknowledging he wasn’t a good person. There is no way 12 year old me could have known any of this, and for that reason, I’m allowing myself to cry.

Secondly, as I’ve previously mentioned, I’m a week and a half away from my 25th birthday. Halfway through my twenties; the age where people( at least those around me) say your childhood starts to disappear. And after yesterday, it’s really sunk in. It was a friend in high school that I lost, then the world lost Cameron Boyce (rip) a few years ago; now, Liam Payne. All of these aforementioned individuals shaped my formative years. I hold onto them as tightly as I can, all things considering. But, this close to my birthday, it’s made me realize, that part of me will never be back. I really am losing some of the best parts of the hardest time of my life. And that sucks. And for that, I mourn this loss.

Lastly, when One Direction broke up, it felt a little like my world as I knew it was ending. A part of my heart broke (though it may sound dramatic, it’s true. You associate many happy memories with something, losing it feels like heartbreak); everyone started talking about a potential reunion years from now. After all, Backstreet Boys got one; N’Sync got one. The Jonas Brothers got one, as did Big Time Rush. One Direction should have been next. The boys were all pursuing solo endeavors and I supported them all through those, even though I wished for a reunion. My older cousins, my mom all got to see their favorite bands reunite; and I was hoping that opportunity would arise for me, too. I mourn that loss, as well.

To conclude, to all those in shock right now and struggling to process this news, struggling with conflicting feelings, I want you to know I’m right here with you. A person who was part of one of the best years of my life died, and those years died with him. I’ll still look back super fondly on those years, but there will also be this ache of what could have been in my heart. And I’m not sure that will go away. I’m right here, and I’m supporting us all through this. Again, my love goes to his son, parents, siblings, friends, girlfriend, and the boys. If I’m feeling this much pain, I can only imagine how much hurt they’re experiencing.

I appreciate you reading this Moku, and hopefully I’ve helped you or someone else process this.

Enjoy the rest of your day, please!

💙

Always a lovely read, Lex!

[evil-peanut-butter-addict-sam]

Ok idk if this wish be a good one or not bcs I am really not in a good state for past few months and idk what's gonna happen next just few days back while I was already insecure with my life safety yesterday a tragic incident happened Liam Payne just died I, I srsly can't believe it if someone can say that it's fake I will hug them bcs I just lost someone from my childhood someone who would instantly put smile on my face when I was sad insecured vulernable by his songs, someone who would say it's all ok you will be fine just trust me everything is gonna be good someone whom I could cry openly even though the person didn't know my existence but yes I lost them even though I still feel something is wrong like I don't think he accidentally felt off or attempted suicide bcs just before like he was so happy meeting with fans hugged them like just the previous night even just before the news of his death came he putted a post in Snapchat telling how his vacation was going on even though there he was a bit sad. But he was a shinning soul the energised one from the band and also the fact that just 18 months ago they said they would reunion but then this happened I don't wanna see their reunion on his funeral bcs we didn't want this reunion. I still can't believe and I still cry when I see Liam in the music videos of 1D. And yk another thing like I lost many including my family members then like Chester Bennington and then Avicii then Ratan Tata and now Liam like if I see Alex Turner is dead idk what the hell will happen with me bcs the person i looked upto are dying thank God Wilbur survived but yea i did tell this to one of my friend and he said I was being gay like what the heck anyway here is the birthday wish.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SAMMMM!!!!!!! MANNY MANNY HAPPY RETURN OF THE DAY, I HOPE ALL YOUR DREAMS COMES TRUE MAY YOU OVERCOME ALL THE OBSTACLES AND KISS THE ZENITH OF YOUR SUCCESS HAVE A GREAT ONE DON'T GIVE UP ON LIFE BCS YOU HAVE OVERCOMED SO MANY STORMS SO TAKE A LOOK BACK TO ALL OF IT TODAY AND BE HAPPY AND PROUD AND LOVE YOURSELF. I WISH YOU A HEALTHY LIFE A HEALTHY HEALTH AND MUCH MORE ENERGY TO SHOW YOUR CREATIVITY TOWARDS THE WORLD, I HOPE THE POTENTIALS YOU HAVE INSIDE OF YOU COMES TO THE LIMELIGHT OF THE WORLD THROUGH YOUR CREATIVITIES. AND MOST IMPORTANT DON'T FORGET TO ENJOY TODAY AND EAT AS MANY FOOD AS YOU WANT TO AND DO THE THINGS YOU LIKE TO!!! SENDING YOU A POSITIVE MENTAL HEALTH. KEEP YOUR LOVED ONES VERY CLOSE TO YOU AND STAY SAFE.

And yea just a pic from one of the 1D Fan Page I got i just cried after reading it yet crying while writing all of these if you are 1D do take a look at it at your free time. And sorry for putting this so long thing I i just dk...

And also why did you say me thanks when I said not to pls don't do it bcs I feel like I am disrespecting you and like also not only violating my manners but like making the people I looked upto means my idols my comfort person feel disrespected about myself.

And also if you need any help regarding inspo for your wolf cut or anything do freely tell me bcs I wanna help people in need despite in whatever condition I am in I can't ignore the people who needs help. So tell freely.

*Starts to cry like hell*

yeah, I wasn't a huge fam of 1D but it did hurt hearing about liams death- and I completely agree with everything you say.

Thank you for da birthday wish!!

Idk why I said thank you when you said not to it's just mental memory I guess and you aren't ever disrespecting me!! <3

[I'm still tryna answer the long ask you sent me with the questions I'm nit ignore that!!]

[oliviamitchy]

as you probably know, as of 16th October, Liam Payne has passed. i am heartbroken. a piece of me has died along with Liam. he was one of the brightest stars in the galaxy, and now, he has fallen. he is no longer shining, no longer laughing, but why do I still hear the echo of his laughter...

my heart feels heavy, like a hundred pounds in my body. a weight on my chest that I'm sure will never leave. i am numb, the only emotion i feel is devastation.

One Direction is what has got me through life, starting 2021. when I was under pressure, when I was lonely, they were there for me. those 5 wonderful boys. my heart aches for what Louis, Zayn, Niall and Harry must be going through right now. the shock and sadness they must be experiencing must be 1000 times more than what I'm going through. my heart aches for his mother, who lost a piece of her life. the pain a mother feels upon losing a child must be... i can't even imagine what it must be like.

i read somewhere... 4 of the One Direction mothers lost a son, 1 welcomed him. this broke me. when I said, that I wanted a one direction reunion, i did not mean at a funeral. we have lost all hope of a one direction reunion. it will never be the same. i will never listen to One Direction songs in the same way, ever again. that girl from 2021, who seeked comfort from One Direction, is broken, but will never fade. she is grieving, and it will definitely take her a while to come to terms with this.

I never thought it was possible to feel so much for a person you have never met in your life. i guess it's true what they say... nothing is impossible.

One Direction was and always will be a big part of my childhood, it still is a big part of my life, and it always will be. always. Liam, i will always love you. i'm happy you have found peace. know that you were loved by every single person around you. you were adoored. rest well 🥹❤️

[kkukiejams]

Since I started my hobby as a fangirl, there's this one fear that I always have. That one day I will awake up and see the news that one of the people I looked up to and always brought me happiness died/suicide/od-ed somewhere out there, inside a hotel room, alone and away from their loved ones. I mean, I grew up seeing news like this from Michael Jackson to Whitney Houston to various K-pop idols. But I never thought that I would really experience this nightmare.

On the early morning of Oct 16th, I woke up with a text notification from a close friend saying "Liam is gone," with no other context. My first thoughts are, "Gone? Wdym by gone?"; "Wait, which Liam?"; "Did she have a dog named Liam?"; "Liam? as in 1D's Liam?"; "Isn't it too early for a hoax, especially on this happy day?"; "Hobi is about to come home; wtf is this bullshit." And so I open my Twitter app and see what the fuck is happening.

*Liam Payne's picture in gray, 1993-2024*, "One Direction member Liam Payne (31), died after falling from his hotel room balcony in Argentina," and all the other fan-shocking tweets, news site tweets, tweets about what happened, tweets about how intoxicated he was, passing out in the hotel lobby before the hotel staff brought him to his hotel room, and that horrible, horrible tweet about how fucking tmz posted a picture of his body laying in the ground focusing on his tattoos barely an hour after he fell.

And all I can think is, shit, I can't do this today. It's already 8 in the morning; I need to move my ass because my work starts at 10am and I cannot afford to be late this month anymore. So I moved and got ready, but I can't even process anything like, Fuck, is this even real? He was just in Niall's concert a few days ago. Did the other boys know already? What time is it in the UK? Are they even awake? Are they even in the UK right now? Fuck, he's so far away from home. Why is he so far away from home? Did his mom already know? Did his baby already know? Wtf, I can't really just cry right now; it's still Thursday, and I can't file for sick leave just because of this; my next schedule will be fucked if I did.

And so, I go on with my day; I got in time for my work, still feeling like a blank slate, and still doesn't know how to react. Other people told me about what happened, asking me, What happened? They know I'm a fan, of course. I'm that big directioner fan girl in high school and college; everyone I met from 2012 till 2016 knows I love that group and how I love those boys. And all I can simply tell them is that he fell from his hotel room balcony, accidentally or by suicide; I'm not sure; he was drunk; he was high; I'm not really sure.

And the day went by, and I came home and went back to Twitter to get more information and updates. I know he was suicidal and had an alcohol problem. I think I saw an interview before that he said this thing himself and was trying to seek help. I really prayed that he would be able to seek help. He was depressed, that the days that he was one of the sources of my mental stability are the days he needs to depend on these vices to keep going so he can keep doing what he loves and to keep surviving.

It was also truly devastating to find out that this once bright, kind, and talented person I know was able to hurt and abuse so many people he was supposed to love and people who loved him. I will not excuse him for his wrongs, and I will not blame his victims for speaking out, but it was so tragic that none of them got a happy, peaceful ending. His life was not supposed to end like this; he should be able to heal, to make amends, and to live the rest of his life in content. But life is a bitch and has never been fair. And so I end my Thursday night still doesn't know how to react, still haven't had a cry. Am I even allowed to cry?

Then it's already Friday morning. He was already gone for a day. I woke up and still cannot believe that this is really happening. Then Louis, Zayn, Niall, and Harry released a joint statement regarding what happened to Liam. This is not how I imagine seeing Zayn's name on a 1D official post again. I always thought it would be the 5 of them, and it's about a reunion concert. I was still looking forward to that. I never saw all of them performing live together. I was able to attend one of their concerts, but Zayn was not present, and it's the last concert they have before they officially announced that he was quitting the band. I never thought that I would really never see them all five performing together.

So again I went with my day, still not crying, still have work to do. I also read Louis', Zayn's, and Harry's personal posts. I cannot imagine how they are feeling. They are losing their brother, their friend. Someone they truly know, someone who tried his best to support them when they're all too young to be exposed to how cruel the media can be and how disgusting the entertainment industry truly is. Niall's personal message came in a later time today, and I can understand why. He was the last one of them to see him, to spend time with him, to hug him. I really, really hope that all of the remaining four boys have the support they need in these trying times. I hope they are not alone.

Some people say they are grieving for the younger Liam and not this man he became. But I mourn for all of him, the Liam, whose dream is to perform and sing. the Liam who saw and experienced how amazing it was to reach these dreams, the Liam who found out and paid the price for reaching the said "dreams," and I will especially mourn for the Liam who could have find his way again and should have been able to heal.

So tonight, I will finally allow myself to grieve and cry for the lost that he is. To the brilliant, talented, and loved Liam James Payne. I hope you will finally find peace. I hope that your next life will be happier and more peaceful than this one. Rest in paradise, darling.

[tbhimnoteasyonmyself]

I didn't initially want to make a post about it, probably bc it didn't hurt me as much as I thought it would. But then I saw other people talking and I figured I had something to say as well. So here I am.

For all we know Liam was an abuser in many shapes of the word. He groomed his girlfriend, was violent with her, cheated on her with minors and maybe something else I am forgetting. This is all true. Does it me merit death? Maybe, depending on your point of view. And if that's what you believe, then act accordingly, I'm not here to force anyone to stop doing anything. Just maybe give you some perspective.

But Liam was also a friend, and a brother, and a son, and a father and an uncle and so many other things. He was hated but he was also loved. And, most of all, he was human.

It doesn't affect me as much as I thought it would, I thought I'd cry or be revolted or whatever, the day I learned a member from 1D died. I really did. But I am not. I am calm, I am at peace.

I think it's bc I know Liam had been in deep suffering for years now. Long years. And he was making people suffer too. And, it's not ideal, at least not to me, but at least it's over now, you know? There's peace in death bc it's how you rejoin the fabric of the universe. You rejoin the flow, become nothing, you begin to make perfect logical sense again.

Deep in my heart, there's a part of me that is still mourning, though. And I think that it's the wasted life, the wasted potential, the wasted everything... Liam was such a talented person, you know? He wasn't a great dancer, sksjdjsk, but he was a good singer. Whether people recognize that or not, it won't change the facts. Well, actually no, scratch that. It will. It will bc it did when he was alive too.

I don't know Liam personally but I think he was constantly searching after a spotlight no one ever gave him. Whether that was bc they thought he wasn't good looking enough, or not talented enough or not charismatic enough or just bc it was easier not to, I think it remains true.

The industry didn't treat him fairly, it exploited his name, his talent and his insecurities. And that doesn't justify his actions, of course not, but I think we should remember this:

Liam Payne was not born an abuser, no one ever is. And sure the actions he did are his own and were he alive he should respond for them accordingly but the fact still stands that ever since 1D was no longer, maybe even before that, Liam was going down a spiral that could lead nowhere good. And that's blood on the music industry's hands.

In the end, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm terribly sorry that one of the people that saved me from depression in my teenage years could not be saved himself. What I'm trying to say is that I wish he had had better opportunities, I wish people would've recognised his value and humanity, I wish things would've been so different, I wish he was still alive so he could try and be better and a better man.

Given a chance, let's put it that way: I wish Liam Payne was given a chance.

I know maybe this won't change anything and that maybe people will think the sort of grief we have as a collective, not over an abuser, though that was a part of him, but over one of the man that made our lives better will be weird, see it poorly... But I still wanted to say it, voice it. Bc I think we're allowed to mourn him even after everything that happened. Bc I don't think that someone having done a lot of bad to other people erases the good that person did to you. And I think it's valid to recognise one thing but still have feelings that don't match it. We're all human, after all, all complex...

So idk... I guess this is it? This is what I wanted to say.

You can be happy about his passing, you can celebrate, if you want to, I won't deny anyone their own feelings but don't deny everyone else theirs either.

And pls, for the love of whatever you hold dearest, don't go bring any negative energy or mockery to his loved ones. You might not get it but they lost someone important. Respect their grief, if no one else's.

Be human.

[inlovewithteacher]

This week has been so emotionally draining. So yesterday he texted me "come on over" as a reply to my message that I wanted to talk. But I ignored him because I felt like he didn't care. Today he sent me a new message saying "I still haven't seen you" it was sweet. I asked him when he had time and he replied now. So I went to him but I was crying the whole morning because of the news of Liam Payne (rip 🤍). I asked him to meet me in the hallway again and when I came downstairs I saw a good friend and I instantly started crying again and he hugged me and was very sweet. Then J came into the hallway and saw that I was crying and I was like "oh I'm sorry, I've been crying all morning" and he looked concerned. And then I explained that Liam Payne from 1D died and also this week has been so emotionally because on Tuesday someone got fired were I was sitting. And I felt so bad for this person. So anyway after I told him how bad I was feeling, then I told him what I wanted to say but this whole conversation was really not relevant and he was like "it's fine, I don't really mind" and then he was like "you'll be okay" he was very kind but I just wished he would be more caring idk I really wished he would've hugged me.

So the rest of the day was really hard but okay. At the end of the day I was already feeling better. And I wanted to let him know I was feeling better so I sent him a message. I hope he doens't think I'm being clingy. I sent him this:

"I didn't stop early like I said I would, but I am feeling better 🙂"

"And he (the supervisor of the person that got fired) wanted to see me about this person because apparently he heard that I was feeling bad about it, it was nice of him"

"Also because people die too soon, I wanted to tell you that I'm happy I got to know you"

"Okay now I'm going home because I am emotionally exhausted"

I hope it's not weird.

[welldressedtarantula]

parasocial grief

At first, it's really weird to grieve someone you've never met face to face, never touched, hugged, or properly talked to, but still be at a huge loss when they stop existing.

Death is hard to explain. How is it possible one day to hear someone laugh, look at their eyes, live with them and the next day they're not alive anymore? Everything stays the same, the breeze is still chili, the birds still sing, the clock still passes, and life goes on, but they are not here anymore, not just their physical being but as if their whole existence has turned into ash. The plans that have been made, the expectations that were put up, the clothes, taste, breath, and everything related to them seem as insignificant as a molecule in the air. Death it's not fair not only for the living but for the gone also.

"I have dreamed of traveling to Edinburgh, the plane tickets were bought, I have just spoken to my family about how excited I am to finally be that happy, see nature... WHY HAVE I DIED SO EARLY?"

"They had finished writing their soul into songs, they were going to see the world be impacted by their talent, they were going to settle down, they had a whole life of emotions and accomplishments ahead of them...WHY HAVE THEY DIED SO EARLY?"

We are all aware that we all are going to lose various people we love dearly, maybe our parents, friends, family, significant others, or even idols, but why does it hurt so deeply when it happens so soon? when it's an accident? why am I suffering at losing someone who has been a part of my life for more time than I have consciousness of living?

As of right now, at 24 years of being in this world, I have lost a lot of people and have cried, grieved, and remembered dearly those who are no longer here. But I didn't think that losing that one individual - whose taken me out of a lot of dark places without touching my hand, someone who was helping me smile when I just wanted to cry, someone whose soul was so bright that could light up the world just by smiling, someone who was an immense part of my childhood/teenage years - would be SO damn HARD. I still am grieving the time I didn't get to have, the opportunities I have missed, the hugs that were never received, and the loss of a whole person.

Liam was not just an idol, a part of the boyband that made me who I am, or a comfort when needed, he was a child, brother, father, lover, a whole person with big dreams and a beautiful soul. I not only miss the "Liam Payne", but I also miss Payno, I miss Liam, I miss who he was and who he was supposed to become.

It's a parasocial experience flooded with love and grief. Daily I felt hugged when listening to his voice or seeing his videos, even though I have never physically hugged him. I felt his love through his eyes. We all knew how much loved we were, and even living our day-to-day lives, we could feel embrace, feel the comfort and the passion.

I know I'm allowed to grieve his loss: I am feeling it so tight, down into my bones, I can feel my heart break every time I remember "it's true, it's real". But I have never met him, how is this possible? I don't want to minimize his family's grief, they were the ones who truly met the real him, but it hurts so freaking bad. I don't want to navigate my life without him,I don't want to live in the same world he was living in but not exist anymore, I don't want to get older than him. He was more than an idol - he was a bright person who had the right to live in peace and happiness.

For those who are still reading: your feelings are valid! You must be feeling this grief because of Liam, because of a long-lost friend, for someone who just had a touching story and you had empathy for them, it does not matter, all the emotions inside of you are valid, they are as real as the sun warmth and the winter cold. Try to keep calm, live your day as it goes, drink a hot cup of tea (before going to bed), get cozy in your blanket, or feel the breeze in the air. They loved you and they still do, just as hard as you love(d) them.

If you can feel, hear, or see us from above: Liam, you are and will be loved forever. I miss you. We all miss you. Please come visit us in our dreams once in a while and give us the hug we all wished for. We promise to be here for everything, we'll help to protect your legacy, your little boy, your dreams, and your faith <3

[masqueradehfx]

Trauma & Grief: When your abuser dies

[TW: ABUSE, GUN VIOLENCE]

I want to touch on a topic that is close to my heart. But a little back story: my eldest brother, 23 years older than me (mom had me at 43, the fool!), was a bad addict his entire life. My the time I was 6, he had 2 kids and an ex-wife in hiding to escape his abuse. He shows up Christmas eve high on gods knows what, with a rifle, demanding to see his kids. For the next 6 hours I saw with a gun barrel against the back of my 6-year old head with a madman threatening to take away Mom's baby boy if he couldn't see his. And when he finally relented and put down the gun, were the police called? NOPE - instead I was sworn to secrecy and left home alone for several hours while my parents drove him to the local Rehab. 6-months later we are at our cottage one weekend when my Mother, deciding that all my brother needs is "family love", demands that I spend time with him ... alone. Within an hour he is high and forcing me to play Russian Roulette with a very real and very loaded gun. 3 trigger pulls in I am able to slip out of his grip and run. He aimed the next shot at me and missed, blowing a huge hole through a wooden bench. Needless to say, I spent the next 40 years terrified of the man, and deep in therapy in my adult life to deal with this trauma. To this day clicking noises make me stiffen up.

He died 5 years ago, and I spun out a little. He was my bother. My other siblings were deep in grief. Me? I was ... happy. I was relieved! I slept better than I had in years in the days following his death. And it made me feel guilty as hell.

But my therapist said something that always stuck with me: YOU DON'T OWE YOUR ABUSER YOUR GRIEF. AND IT IS OK TO BE HAPPY SOMEONE WHO ABUSED YOU IS DEAD.

With the death of Liam Payne, there may be people on here who suffered abuse in their life who are feeling relief. That is OK. There may even be fans on here who were abused by him, who may be happy he is dead. That is OK. You don't need to be dicks about it and publicly cheer, but if there is something about Liam's death that makes you feel better, THAT IS OK! You do not owe anyone your grief!

So yeah ... feel what you feel. Do you. Fuck the rest.

[mytestamentofyouth]

I rarely write anything on my blog these days. But because of the tragedy that happened to Liam Payne and his sudden passing, former One direction member, I want to write something. I am not a fan of One Direction. They were a typical boy band. I have seen their music videos and they are very bright, happy and the boys are really talented and they have great voices. But.. Not my cup of tea. What I want to say though is this. People have spoken now about the circumstances before Liam Payne's death. If these things are true...Then I have no words to explain what we have become. We are monsters. And it is obvious he was in some kind of a narcotic psychosis. He went to the lobby of that hotel 3 times acting weird, passing out and even falling on his face and they didn't think it was absolutely necessary to call ambulance??! What the fuck is this? We need to change the way we think. He was an addict. Yes, maybe. But if he is acting like that you call the police and ambulance. Full stop. Yes, his ex is claiming he was abusive while on drugs. But what do you do when a person is acting like him in that lobby? YOU CALL THE FUCKING POLICE AND AN AMBULANCE. It is not your fucking job to play God at that moment and decide if he should live or die based on the fact that he was an addict and maybe an abuser. People need to get their priorities straight. If a person is in this kind of distress and looks psychotic you call an ambulance and then you can maybe think whatever the fuck you want about that person. And in my opinion nobody seemed to care if he lives or dies. The people at the front desk of that hotel were absolutely inadequate in their reaction. They knew he may do something very bad, but decided to drag him to his room where he also had a balcony?! I mean...I really don't understand. Everything about that situation is so dark. People need to understand that celebrities are just people too. They sometimes need help. If you are in such situation, act as a normal human being.

[shijinshi]

i have forgotten how to feel for the past 24 hours ever since the news broke out

my bsf whom i met because of one direction dmed me saying “Liam Payne is dead” n i felt like it was some kind of sick joke until i googled him up and saw the Born and Died next to each other and felt like a piece of me just vanished

i couldn’t believe this so i went on twitter and started having a full meltdown because what the hell

i grew up w one direction, i learnt how to dream high and make my own decisions because they taught me how to, they made me fall in love with music and connect with music in such a way that noone understands, in a way that i can resort to music as a way of seeking comfort and some unexplainable sort of peace, they were my comfort zones and gave me so much hope in life when i was falling apart, all of them meant so much to me like i have never loved and admired anyone else before like i loved them

i loved one direction so much

i wouldn’t even be able to speak, write or understand english this fluent if it wasnt for binge watching their interviews everyday and listening to them just talk in their sometimes illegible british accents (english is not my second language), i started finding my talents because of the diverse fandom, like writing, editing, etc and i literally wouldn’t be the person i am today without them

i wouldn’t be here without them

liam passing is like a shot to the heart, especially as i was a liam girl at one point in time, like ripping away all the strands and pieces of my childhood and teenage memories from my found happiness and comfort, i never understood how grief works and i still dont but this is just so confusing and disassociating at the same time, to be fully able to realise or let it sink in that a person whom you used to look up to, admire and love so much is no longer is like life shattering

my heart goes out to his family, friends, loved ones, maya especially and everyone who is grieving

i hope maya is doing okay in this moment of time and is surrounded by her loved ones because this is just beyond words to describe how she must feel rn after all she’s been through, i stand with you maya and you’re so brave for speaking up

his death wont erase his problematic actions and the emotional and physical abuse he inflicted on maya and the predatory behaviour with his fans, but he did not deserve death at all

rehabilitation works, i believe in rehabilitation, it could’ve worked with liam, if only his friends helped him, gave him the chance to redeem himself but instead they harassed his victims into not speaking up about his actions, if they truly cared, they couldve prevented this

if only liam was willing to receive help from maya and everyone who was concerned. its like guiding a horse to a pond but u cant force it to drink it

the 12 year old in me has been shattered and broken since the news broke out and idk what and how to feel anymore

i genuinely wanted to see liam get better, redeem himself and held accountable for everything, i was hoping for a better life for him where he knew what he was doing sober and conscious, i just wished the world was a bit kinder to him and had mercy on him

rest easy liam payne i hope youve found peace and solace, i hope ur next life treats u better 🕊️💔😟

[scoupsahoy]

the way people talk about addicts when they are bad people who do bad things is really informed by the way they feel about addicts as a whole and it comes up every time someone in the public eye is struggling with addiction there is a lack of nuance or empathy at all

ranting about the liam thing sorry

like liam payne was an exceedingly shitty dude for a long time largely unbeknownst to the public for a great period of that. And Also he was a child on television at age fourteen, in one of the world's largest boy bands of all time for five years, and then was openly struggling with addiction for about ten years before he died. other people in his life and other people in the band were openly worried about him for years and he never got help and now he never will And Also he will never have to take real accountability for shit that was JUST coming out about him. like in the last seven days.

i feel like any conversation about any emotion other than like. immediate happiness about him dying is met with judgement because he was a bad person and therefore deserved to die extremely publicly while extremely high

like idk. he still would have done shitty things maybe if he wasnt an addict and im not saying that like. it made him do shitty things but i'm saying that the world was introduced to a talented fourteen year old and by the time he was like twenty one he was visibly struggling and he never got help for ten years and he hurt people who will never get justice because he died before they could

and of course people who watched him struggle and fall so deep into addiction and violence for half their lives when they were introduced to him in like the first wave of parasocial media when he was a teenager have complex feelings about that relationship holy shit. of course they do

people like flat out do not want other people to get help and it's exceedingly obvious when someone does shitty things as an addict and therefore deserve punishment by death.

like i really wish he was alive right now to get sued and get serious help and like. now maya is not only going to get serious backlash for something that isn't her fault, but also she is never going to get like. justice. she'll never get an apology from him or a payout or be taken seriously. neither will anyone else. like this is the worse case scenario and people have complex feelings when shit like this happens like.

i found out he died like ten minutes after it happened and there were already people who were like. well you cannot be sad because you are talking over victims. i am sad FOR the victims. i am sad for the lack of help that was offered to this man and the fact that the reason he died is also the reason he continued to spiral out of control and hurt other people and i'm sad that the lack of help prevented him from being held accountable and im sad that people who are struggling with addiction in general have to deal with the stereotypes of this kind of violence and death every day and i am sad that someone can be struggling for a decade and never get help and im sad that a child star again was put in the position he was and never got help with that either and im sad that the aftermath of this is going to come down hardest on maya and on other people struggling and not on like. the system that allowed this to happen

and whatever

[miheartsays]

October 24, 2024

literally gasped when I found out today is October 24th. I think my heart skipped a beat. hello old friend

it feels like sometimes everything is the same and nothing has changed and I’m not growing or learning or becoming the version of myself I want to be

the insecurities follow me wherever I go

in every aspect of my life

and I’m trying my best

I’m trying my best

in other news, Liam Payne died last week and if it were not for one direction I genuinely would not be the person I am today. One of the funnest parts of my life was discovering one direction and discovering the internet, Tumblr, Twitter, wattpad!!! literally had so much fun

but then I remember how long ago that part of my life was

how much I’ve grown since then

Whow much I’ve BECOME since then

and I’m here writing this bc I want to be happy and loved and feel excitement and enjoyment and I’m trying to do all the things I’m supposed to be doing to achieve it albeit hitting the gym and here we are at 26 feeling the same way in some aspects of when I did at 18, at 15, at 11…at 7

by now I thought things would be better and I’d be better and my life would be different but it’s the same life but I’m just older

my grandmother is back and idk if those past memories and feelings are recircling but here we are writing to you hoping things get better

[kamerobogal]

Loosing Akria Toriyama and now Liam Payne this year; two very different people who made media I consumed in my formative adolescent years.

I don't know how to put it into words. And I hate the term "my childhood died". That's not quite what I mean.

But I feel as if the shock of both of these people's deaths is making me realize that those years are gone from me. And I'm just now entering the next steps of my adult life.

I'm 27 as of right now. I'm be entering my 30s sooner than I know. Life moves way too fast and is not going be kind. It's not going to be all happy.

You are not going to see Toriyama grow old and draw anymore. You are not going to see One Direction have a reunion. That happy though of the future, it's gone.

Idk im not trying to say "but I wont get anymore art from them. So I'm upset"

I'm saying that both of these men made a career out of an art medium that they loved doing. They loved sharing it with millions. I am just one of those millions. And now that happy future I imagined of still seeing them creating is just that, something I imagined.

[sammyunhinged]

Yesterday I opened my 1D twt stan account for the first time in 18 months. That’s generally about how long I go between bouts of obsession, at least for the last 4 years that’s been the case. Last year it was Louis’ doc. I hate what it is this year.

I found 1D kind of late. It was 2014. The Steal my Girl mv had just been released. I was 13 years old and up to that moment I’d rejected 1D because they were “too popular”. I don’t remember the exact order of events but it took mere hours to fall in love with every single one of them.

I’ve been a Louis girl from the start but back in 2015 Liam was my close second. I’ve seen people say recent that Liam was no one’s favorite but that’s not true. Gods, I loved him so much. If my twt stan account was anything it was dedicated to Lilo. I waited up every night to see if they had a water fight during their concert that night. I screamed over any small interaction on stage between them since the band went on hiatus. They were my everything. My love for Liam didn’t diminish through everything. I went to his pandemic concerts. I still to this day have his insta and twt notifs on. His TikToks continued to bring me joy.

I’m not big on cancel culture. Anyone who knows me knows that I am too empathetic and have too positive a view on people’s ability to grow and change to participate. But I’m also a victim of abuse. When the news about Liam’s behavior came out I was quick to criticize, rescind my support, and raly behind Maya. Everything she’s said lately has and her book have touched me. I know what it is like to want to help someone and love them, and for them to hurt you in return. His actions are inexcusable. Addiction and mental health do not excuse how you hurt the people around you. That will always remain true and fuck you to anyone blaming Maya or the other women speaking out.

When I learned Liam died yesterday, my immediate reaction was sobs and tears and devastation. The teenager in me is still heartbroken. Yet, the adult in me immediately tried to put up walls. I texted my family calling him a bad person and used recent events to try and protect myself.

Thirty hours later I think I have clearer eyes, though they are red and still wet with tears.

Liam was complicated. He was a father who loved his son. A man who manipulated and used women. An artist and a singer and an addict. He was extraordinarily generous to his fans when they met him on the street, no matter how tired or broken he looked he was always kind. He was an abuser and he was abused. He never failed to give to charity and to support those in need. He had an ego and struggled not being in the limelight. He made people laugh and brought them so much comfort. He said things about 1D that made a lot of people very angry. He unconditionally supported every member of the band. These are all truths about Liam Payne. One part doesn’t negate the existence of another. He was complicated.

I will miss him for all the joy he brought me. I’ll miss his silly TikToks and his music and the fact that Louis would have to yell as him on twt and in comments to get him to answer the phone. I’m grieving the person I loved so dearly though he never knew me. I’m grieving for the father and the artist and the brother and son that he was. I am mourning that we never got his second album, which he was so proud of. I am mourning the fact he never got healing here on earth and wasn’t ever able to make amends and apologize for his wrongs as I so hoped would happen.

Liam, I love you. I miss you. I hope that you have found peace. I hope your family and friends will be able to think of you and be happy again one day. I hope Maya and every single person you ever hurt can find healing even without closure.