#i am so Fucking tired of my entire life rn okay

[spikeyjo]

also uh im kind of not thinking about it much because its insane. but if everything goes right (and i mean a considerable amount of things that probably wont go as planned) but if they DO... i will have a major surgery in like two weeks

[magpiesbones]

worst thing about being disabled is that now I am fully and completely aware of exactly how much I am worth to everyone I know. And it is not a lot!!

[lorarri]

★ . . . 𝐌𝐄𝐄𝐓 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐅𝐀𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐑 , 𝐉𝐁𝟓

summary , the daughter of lewis hamilton and a 3 time f1 world champion life is pretty great especially now that you have found a special someone

pairing , jude bellingham x fem! hamilton! redbull! f1 driver! reader

main masterlist | football masterlist

yourinstagram . 4hrs ago

seen by lewishamilton judebellingham 76,389,589 others

yourinstagram

liked by lewishamilton judebellingham 102,890,199 others

yourinstagram winter break photodump pt. 5

view comments

user my wife is a madrid...I don't know what to do with why self now

user stay away from my wifey mr. hey jude lookin ass

user MR BELLINGHAM WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE

user it couple is cookin ya'll

user love that mother is living her best life

user bae wake up Y/N posted a winter break photo dump

user OKAY BUT THAT LAST PIC EXCUSE ME?!?!?!

user madam who got you those flowers

user jude better be careful or papa hamilton gonna have his head if he even thinks about trying anything with his daughter

user why am I kinda living from the idea of these two being a couple

user are you dating jude?

user Y/N come home the kids miss you

user 4th wdc pending...

user so we all know who the guy in the last slide is right?

user love my soon to be parents

user the queen soft launching wasn't on my 2024 bingo card

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TRENTSKI

JUDITH

EXPLAIN YOUR SELF

JUDITH

huh?

RICE RICE BABY

did you really think you could sneek your way into Y/N Hamilton's ig dump and we wouldn't find out?

JUDITH

yes?

SANCHOOOO

SO YOU ADMIT IT

IT IS YOU

MEEK MEALS

glad you finally got together

I was getting sick and tired of you talking about her 24/7

JACK RABBIT

I'm surprised he even got the strength to talk to her

STAR BOY

right?

his brain normally turns to mush when ever her name is mentioned

proud of you bro

JUDITH

thx kyo

I always knew you were a real one

TRENTSKI

damn I see how it is then....

RICE RICE BABY

trents going dark lads

in his sad girl era

PHIL CHEESE STAKE

so wait who knows about you 2 being together?

SANCHOOOO

besides the entire intent after that photo dump?

MEEK MEALS

LMFAOOO

STAR BOY

tell lewis he's the goat

JUDITH

hahah funny

let us have our damatic soft launch

obvi you guys know

the only others that know are max, sebastian, and charles

I'll let lewis know when he figures out I'm dating his daughter this Saturday

JACK RABBIT

mate your fucked

TRENTSKI

DAMN

secret forbbiden romance

didn't know you were built like that jude

MEEK MEALS

what do you mean Lewis fucking Hamilton doesn't know you are dating HIS DAUGHTER

SANCHOOOO

pray for jude guys

these might be his last days with us

STAR BOY

he shall be missed

JACK RABBIT

dw jude I'll delete your search history of you stalking Y/N's ig and twitter

JUDITH

thanks guys...

wiss me luck

TRENTSKI

break a leg

RICE RICE BABY

don't die

MEEK MEALS

good luck

SANCHOOOO

you going to die

STAR BOY

what colour coffin do you want?

I'm thinking bright pink and rinestones

JACK RABBIT

do you need a get away driver?

PHIL CHEESE STAKE

before you die get me and ronnie a hat singed by Y/N and Lewis

JUDITH

I feel so loved rn

yourinstagram . 4hrs ago

seen by lewishamilton maxverstappen1 98,328,479 others

lewishamilton replied to your story!

he's a good lad

but if he hurt's you

winning a trohpy will be the last of his concern

okay dad I'll relay that message to him

good

also don't forget to use projection...

DAD OMG STOP

carlossainz55 replied to your story!

¡HALA MADRID!

maxverstappen1 replied to your story!

Christian is asking if Jude wants to come to the team dinner before the livery launch?

also if he hurts you I will run him over with our matching aston martins

landonorris replied to your story!

what does he smell like?

[etheries1015]

BOOK 7 SPOILERS BELOW

I finally decided to suck it up and catch up with twst book 7, I stopped after seeing Silver cry because I'm sCARED OF BEING SAD 😭😭 anyway here's a few reactions I had to it 😭

And hearing about the update coming soon-ish to ENG servers I really need to read up

Lilia pressuring Epel like the old man he is 😭😭 I love the moments that they remind us just how old Lilia actually is and how he sees most if not all the students as if they were his children/grand children, making sure they get the most out of the party and drink...its giving "What do you mean you're not hungry? Absolutely not. Here Is at least 5 servings of whatever dish I made to help u grow big and strong."

Okay I didn't take a screen shot of it but the entire section where Lilia looked kind of guilty with Ortho about exchanging addresses because you just KNOW he probably isn't gonna check in, presumably because he doesn't want anyone to get More attached to him seeing as he is nearing the end of his life span (crying shaking throwing up)

THIS. THIS. THIS INTERACTION HE HAD WITH US. I LOVE HIM. I AM SO SILLY FOR HIM. I totally forgot I changed my in-game name from my nickname to my REAL name and when he said my name I verbally yelled "WHAT THE HELL" before giggling and kicking my feet hehehehe I'm clinically insane for him

But the fact that he acknowledged us as Malleus friend probably means we've spent a lot of time at the dorms or around Lilia for him to see how our friendship and interactions with him work, and it melts my heart hehe. Being part of the diafam fr. But honestly bro back me up, I'm tired of being called a hench-human 😭💀

I wonder just how bad we must look with everyone noticing the strange shift??? Either we REALLY made a scene (tripping over, going pale) or the twst boys are just that attentive to us and I think that is the sweetest thing ever 😭😭 Ace and Deuce is so sweet for thinking of us and trying to get us out while also being polite to the people who kindly held the party. Despite not being there long, ace and deuce is willing to skip out on free food and drinks in order to make sure you're okay and I'm just 😭😭 ANGELS. I LOVE THEM.

But also the way Lilia worries for you is so sweet 😭💜 I should write a fic of sick reader and Lilia, or reader trying to tough it out because I know for a FACT Lilia would not let that slide! (Hypocrite 😐)

I ACTUALLY DROPPED MY JAW WHEN SEBEK SAID THIS SHIT. I WAS. WHAT. WHAT THE HELL LMFAOOOOO 😭 thats fucking insane bro I actually found myself chastising him thru the phone, I would NOT let that discrimination against humans bullshit pass fr 😭 slap him right upside the head and give him a stern talking to. I like seeing Lilia get frustrated, he's so cute and UGH. Although it went in one ear out the other, Seeing Lilia mad is so hot if I'm being real with y'all rn BUAHAHA.

I didnt screen shot this either (and I can't fit anymore photos on this post smh) but Silvers nose being red and obvious he was crying but Lilia confused. DudE OF COURSE he was crying!!! You're his dad!! You raised him since he was a baby, he's just now going into adulthood and doing that WITHOUT HIS DAD who is going to a far away land! Sure, traveling is a thing , but honestly nothing beats having that support just a moments away. Silver is literally the sweetest and wants to support his dad , but who's going to support him????!?! Lilia is putting him in a position where Silver feels the need to be strong and hide his tears for Lilias sake, but of course this is hard on him, its so sudden, too! Being so close to your parent and next thing you know mere days later they are stripped away from your arms?!

I just want to give them all hugs. Lilia obviously has some issues and misconstrued ideas of love (a million people have made posts and comments on this, so I will not repeat it) and I just. Need them to all sit around and be their mediator while we go thru their emotional states.

Ugh. I was in my twst burnout stage and still low key am, but fuck does it spark so much passion in you 😭😭

[millenniallust4death]

I saw your post about tell me what time it is and what youre thinking abt. No idea if that meant asks or not. But anyways

It's only noon and I'm fuckijg tired. Thinking abt dropping out. Thinking abt quitting so much rn. Thinking abt getting a GED and getting the fuck out of this school. I'm so tired. I don't give a shit about my grades why does everyone else. I literally just need to pass I'm going to art school? I don't need to get anything above a 75% in my classes in my own personal opinion. I wouldn't be considering dropping out if the week of school I missed didn't fuck up my entire term. I don't give a fuck about high school okay I'm young I get that but I am fully capable of making my own decisions and suffering the consequences. Being my age is about learning from your mistakes and being able to absorb that info its not about making perfect choices and doing everything just right for your 30-year old self. I'm so tired of school pushing the narrative that you need to make all your major life decisions right now and they Cannot Be Wrong how Dare you be Unsure about your Massive Life Choices.

If you follow my blog then you know that I permanently feel weary and 100% done with everything so I can relate to your message. Your words tell me that you feel overwhelmed and frustrated with high school. Yeah, high school is a total drag but at the risk of alienating you, I would strongly encourage you to persist and ultimately, graduate. I think education is the ultimate investment in yourself; one, no one can take away from you.

I have several degrees and all of them have involved suffering through pointless courses.

In high school, I spent a year of my life learning about the succession of a sand dune in biology. I'm a hit at beach parties.

In my undergrad in chemistry, I had to take a philosophy course where we spent four fucking months proving that a table was a chair. Every lecture, I fervently longed for the grave.

In grad school for chemistry, I had to take a photochemistry course where I learned about bilirubin in excruciating detail. I was an inorganic chemist and didn't give a shit about babies turning yellow.

But nothing will ever top the pointlessness of a course during my MLIS degree (ie. library school) where I spent four miserable months studying the implicit and tacit knowledge processes in the movie, Working Girl. Solidified millennial lust for death as my core personality.

During my data science program, I spent four months studying quality function deployment, a management technique that originated in a 1970s Japanese shipyard site. I can't even make this up.

I didn't provide these random examples to say, I suffered and so should you. More, I understand how meaningless education can seem at the time but you've got this! And as trite as this sounds, I took a skill, a process, or way of thinking from every course listed above. I can't express how irritated I was when I sketched out a house of quality (part of quality function deployment) before I created a prompt design course last year. XD

Perhaps my mutuals will add some words of encouragement to this post.

[skitskatdacat63]

Hiii CATIE!!!!! HIII

Im pretty pretty sure people have already asked BUT HOW WAS ATTENDING THE US GP LIVE!!!! WAS???? TELL ME!! DO YOU HAVE PICS??? I know I know im late.

I ALSO HOPE YOU GOT HOME SAFE AND SOUND AND THAT YOU ARE RESTING NOW+!!!(I saw the chaos you went through im deeply sorry for you :( )

ANYWAYS HOW WAS THE RACE? HOW WAS EXPERIENCING STROLLONSO LIVE?????? AND omg did you get pics of drivers??? :00

You must must share pleaseeeeee.wax.poet

OH MY GOD ELLE SORRY THIS IS SO LATE!!! IT WAS VERY COOL!!!!! VERY SURREAL!!!!!! I've taken a week to answer this but uhhhh yes I am in fact home now 🥰 I got home at like 1 am which was cool....

First of all I have to mention this! I was fighting for my life walking thru the Austin airport(from sleep deprivation), and I had my Fernando hat on my backpack, right? Some girl comes up to me and asks if I'm going to the GP, I say yes. SHE GAVE ME A FRIENDSHIP BRACELET, I COULD'VE SOBBED 🥹 It says on it "wtf is a km", I'm still so happy

COTA was the first race I ever watched, so to be actually at that track and watch a race live there was extremely surreal! Very hot though my god 😵‍💫 I think last year it was pretty hot, right? And my brother kept sending me the temp and it was pretty okay, and then of fucking course the temp leaps up to 89-97°(31-36° Celsius btw) right in time for the gp....so that was nice(I say as I burn in the sun like a vampire. But don't worry I didn't even really tan at all 😭 I always wore a hat and a lot of sunscreen. And meanwhile my brother was literally a lobster)

(This is a long post):

So unfortunately I missed the drivers parade because my brother and I were dying on Saturday night and his friends wanted to go first thing in the morning, and we're like "we will go later actually 😊" and missed it entirely 😭😭😭 but his friends took pics of Mclaren and Aston for me!!!!! But unfortunately I havent gotten them still, so I'll have to reblog this later with those! I took a lot of pictures of the cars I took from behind the fence, which I think I've posted some of? Lmk if anyone wants those!! They're very random, I just thought it was very surreal to see the cars flying past, so I took a million.

The coolest part was definitely running on track after the race was over!!! Soooooo surreal, and so I'm only gonna post pics rn from Sunday(bcs pic limit on phone) and also I think everything else kinda pales in comparison(but of course lmk if there's anything you're interested in seeing 🤭)

Okay and did I see any drivers...? ONLY ONE BUT AAAAHHHH I DID SEE LANDO!!! Not even one of my favs but it was soooooo surreal to see him, even from afar. As you can see above, everyone standing on the fences was blocking the view 🙄, but during the podium, I was focusing my camera btwn their legs and got literally one second of Lando 😭 I think its a pretty aesthetic clip, so I gifed it!!

It was so funny, I went to the gp with my brother and friends, so all these older guys yeah. And I was showing this off to them on the ride home, and his one friend was praising me so much for it 😭😭 like: "oh my god!!!! You could put this in an edit !!! This is so sick!!!!"

Oh one other thing!!! I think I've mentioned it before but my god, my favorite f1 podiums are always the ones with confetti, right?? AND THERE WAS CONFETTI AT THIS RACE!!!

LOOK AT HOW PRETTYYYYY!!!! And so anyways, I picked up so much confetti off the ground and now it lives forever in my phone case 🥰🥰🥰 I have no other room for pics on this post(for now) but oh my godddddddddd most of the confetti were just rectangles BUT THERE WAS ALSO ONES SHAPED LIKE TEXAS!!! SO COOL!!!!! And I also picked up a bunch of tire marbles off the ground!!! And a piece of plastic that probably came off some car. It was so funny when all of us were just scrounging off the ground. My bro's one friend somehow found a piece of carbon fiber, and we're all like "how can I kill him in his sleep and steal this from him..." But no the highlight actually of that process was watching my brother sprint to the podium, but stopping and grabbing a bunch of gravel first to shove in his pocket 😭😭😭

The other two days were fun as well, but also a lot of just dying in the heat and drinking a fuckton of red bull, so there's not too much specifically to say! I really liked hearing the cars. I think if you wanna know what's actually going on in a race, watching from home is better, but hearing the cars go by and seeing them is just so fucking sick. It was so funny to see grown men be like "I think I'm going to cry hearing these cars." I was really flexing on them with "uhhh yeah I've already been to a gp already 🙄🙄"

Anyways I ended the day by breaking bank by buying my dad and myself Fernando shirts because he is of course Fernando's biggest fan 🥰🥰 and I bought the most delicious overpriced lemonade, which I only drank half of bcs my brother proceeded to accidentally elbow it out of my hand....

OH WAIT ONE MORE DETAIL LOL. On Friday, my brother and his friend were waiting in line for smth and I was talking to them outside of the barrier. I look down, hmm theres a red cap abandoned on the ground, I pick it up, it is in fact a Ferrari hat. And that is how my brother acquired a $40+ dollar hat for free. Lucky bastard....I was the who found it!

[cherienymphe]

This Rafe fic is slightly reminding me of this guy I️ dated for literally five days who was showing his crazy and possessive side already.

STORY TIME! (This gets progressively worst)

The next couple of days he clingy, blowing up my phone, asking to see me. And I️ did see him, and he wanted me to stay over so bad but I️ live with my dad so if I️ ever stay out later than 11 he gets concerned so I️ told him I️ couldn’t and he got pissed and swore I️ wasn’t into him?

The third and last time I️ saw him was the worst. I️ was at a family friend’s quincenera and earlier that day I️ told him a friend from out of town was visiting and that we would be going out to the club and I️ invited him to come. He agreed. While at the quince, he asked if I️ could pick him up from bourbon street (during Mardi Gras mind you, like that’s crazy) and me being kind, agreed. So I️ was forced to leave the party early to get him. When I️ picked him up, he asked if I️ was staying over that night and I️ was confused and reminded him of our previously agreed upon plans and he had the nerve to flip out on me in MY CAR?? And said that he was tired and didn’t want to stay out till late like a teenager (I️ was freshly turned 23, he was 25 so like???) and then when I️ reached his house he sarcastically told me thank you for the ride and slammed my car doors. I’ve never been treated horribly like that before (I️ always demand princess treatment, my father would’ve killed him if I️ told him all this) so I️ broke down in my car wondering what the fuck just happened 😭?

And you would think this would be the party where I️ just go drink with my friends and forget abt him but NO. Just as I️ finished my 5 min crying session and calling my friends for support, he texts me that he’ll go with me but said he’s not gonna enjoy it 💀? And I️ was like okay…maybe we can just talk abt this? (You know, LIKE ADULTS!) but he got back into my car and was silent the whole time I️ drove to the club. I️ parked in the parking lot, told my friend I️ was on my way but my phone was dying so that was the last she heard from me for a while. I️ go to change in the backseat because I’m still in a gown from the party and change into a shorter dress and he follows trying to feel me and kiss me and I️ let him because truthfully, I️ am 4’11 and he’s like 6’3 and we were alone so I️ was kind scared for my life 😭 when he felt my hesitation, he went off on me again saying I️ wasn’t affectionate and in my head I’m like bro, we just met and you already showing your crazy like u scaring the hoes rn. At that point I️ was so tired of arguing, I️ was just like omg pls shut UP! We go into the club, I️ paid the $30 cover (10 for me, 20 for him) and we get inside and before we went in he told me to not leave him alone. I️ also need to mention that we are at a Latin club filed with mostly Hispanics because me and my friends are Hispanic (mainly Mexicans and Honduras). (Yes this is an important detail later). I️ head to the bathroom because get this, I️ asked him earlier if I️ could use the bathroom at his house and he straight up said NO because I️ don’t care abt him so why should he care abt me. 😐 After I️ came back we started a search for my friend, because I️ couldn’t ask her where she was at, my phone had died so my only option was to search the entire club. We searched the main areas like the bar and hookah lounge but the only place I️ haven’t searched was the dance floor. So I said let’s go look and he refused because it was full. I️ said okay let me go search and I’ll be right back and he flipped again and said “SERIOUSLY? I️ told you not to leave me and what do you go ahead and do?!” He then proceeds to walk off and get a drink at the bar. I️ follow him, feeling…idk what and that’s when he noticed he was the tallest guy there (because duh 6’3 white man). He then started to get paranoid that everyone was staring at him and I️ tried to play it off like yeah haha you’re the tallest one here. He was mad I️ had to order his drink for him because the bartenders only spoke Spanish and at some point I️ disassociated because I️ was like what is happeninggggggg. But as I️ stared into space, he took it as me looking at another man and he went off on me again “OH why don’t you go be with HIM then?!” And pulled his phone out to call an Uber.

And you think this is where it would end but NOPE 😭 my dumbass ain’t learned my lesson. I️ was likening I’m sorry damn! Let’s go since you wanna leave so bad! We was in the club for abt 15/20 minutes like…..

So we get back to my car and he’s like laughing all sarcastically like “guess Louisiana girls aren’t for me” (he’s from North Carolina), and then asked him why I️ would bring him to a bar with Mexicans who wanted to JUMP HIM??? I️ was like WOAH?! Bro was delusional as fuck, ain’t nobody wanted to jump him, what the hell 😭? And he talking bad abt my people like that did not sit well with me all ALL! I️ wanted to tell him to gtf out my car so bad but I’m a nice person so I️ wanted to bring him home and just be done with this shitty night. Like it was so bright at that quince and when so downhill. So I️ start crying, AGAIN! This time in front of him, and he started getting softer and semi apologized but basically said it was my fault for not being more affectionate? So we get Burger King (as if I️ wasn’t already suffering enough) and he asks if I️ could stay the night and since he was like being a bit nicer than earlier I️ agreed. But when we got to his home, first of all, I️ just cannot sleep in a bed that ain’t mines, and second that whole night wore me down and I️ was building resentment so bad 😂 so when he passed out, I️ tried to sneak out the door but he woke up and got MAD. I️ was like nope, it’s like 3 am at this point, I’m TIRED. I️ just said I’m leaving and that’s it.

Girl he started blowing up my phone, telling lies like I️ was trying to use him for his money (he never bought me a single thing that entire time except the Burger King), that I️ was trying to get him jumped by Mexicans, I️ brought him to the club just to sleep with other guys. I️ was really taken aback by his delusions! And then he demanded I️ come back because he lost his vape and crystal given by his mom and his cashapp card, and you would’ve thought I️ would’ve just left but nope, I️ was like ugh fine let me see if I️ got his stuff. Pulled over to a McDonald’s, searched my car, nothing. I️ told him that too and he claimed I️ was a liar and demanded I️ come back. I️ turned around, let him look, he demanded I️ help him, I️ refused at that point, and then he slams my car doors AGAIN and calls me a useless fucking bitch and stuck his middle finger out at me and yes besties that was finally the straw that broke the camel’s back for me!

If I️ could show yall screenshots I️ WOULD. Once I️ drove off he then continued to insult me on text abt how I️ stole his things and demanded I️ pay him back and me being a Capricorn, that’s where I️ decided to draw the line. You can play with me but my money??? No ma’am 😭! I️ finally blew up on him and told him he was the worst person I️’ve ever met (and I’ve been r worded and I️ think my r pist is more polite than this omg) and that he was a fucked up, paranoid and delusional mf and that I’m glad the bitches he met before me robbed him because he deserved it. And that’s when he started calling my phone. I️ almost risked an accident trying to block his number because he kept blowing it up the entire 30 minutes I️ was trying to get home, he was PISSED.

So he never physically abused me by that mental and emotional torture was crazyyyyy. And I️ just wanna say that the reason I️ put up with him for so long was because 1. I️ actually did think he was cute and I️ thought we had a connection so I️ naturally wanted to work things out. I️, like TD reader, was caught off guard by the way he acted because this was the first time a man has ever been MEAN as fuck towards me, like in my FACE. And I️ just didn’t know…like I️ was really thrown and caught off guard. 2. Like I️ said before, our height and weight difference had me intimidated, he could’ve really thrown me like against my car or choked me out so I️ was trying hard to placate and calm him down because he was physically bigger than me. I’m glad he didn’t get physical because it really would’ve been over for me. This why I️ never say never because it really can happen to you out of NOWHERE.

Anyways yall don’t worry abt me, he’s blocked forever and im now dating a super sweet lawyer 🥹

Even after all this the one thing standing out in my mind is you pretending Burger King isn't good

Anyways in all seriousness wtf 😭 I'm glad he's blocked bc ain't no way. He would've had one time to slam my doors and asking to be picked up off bourbon street during Mardi Gras? He would've been SOL I'm sorry

[olivesjaw]

just here 2 vent this is going 2 be a long one so buckle up

my partner and I broke up a few weeks ago and since then I haven't really even had time or space to process the grief or try to re-connect with myself (when u have bpd, being in a relationship often means losing yourself in your partner, they become ur world and life and ur Everything, I've managed to tamp down on this sensation with time and practice but it's one of the hardest bpd things to unpack and balance out imo) because of work, training my dog (we're working with a professional and get homework to work on daily), spending so much time rifling through marketplace craiglist etc listings for apartments (everything remotely affordable is a fucking scam or nO pEtS aLLoWeD) AND living with/trying to resume a platonic friendship with my ex

so i've been 20x as emotionally erratic than I usually am, I spent the first week after the breakup breaking down crying every morning and throughout the days, my aunt that I have a traumatic and complicated history with died on sunday (processing that has been weird and more emotional than I'd thought it would be and I haven't really even had time to think about it much either)

i don't know where me or my dog will be in three or six months (a part of why we're training with a professional rn is because he has anxiety and reactivity issues, barks at everything and can't live in an apartment complex or with roommates like that) and our options are slim because it is next to impossible to live as a single person without a spouse/SO, roommates etc and I have a bunch of cards stacked against me including having a dog and if I didn't have ben right now i'd probably just throw in the towel and call it quits on life because I am so tired and alone I know fucking nobody in the area I'm living in except my now ex, I barely had people to call friends before moving here anyways and it just feels like i'm losing everything when I barely had anything to stay alive for to begin with

i knew it would be risky moving here/with my partner to begin with as i'd have nowhere to go/no one to lean on if we broke up but I had nothing when I lived in new hampshire too and I have been telling myself for the past practically two years that if I made ANYTHING in my life work out okay it would be this relationship and I tried so hard to make it work too because I could have built the fucking pyramids with the effort it takes me to just maintain a somewhat stable relationship of any sort while I live with this illness and all of this has brought into perspective again just how maladjusted I am and how I have no sense of identity or self, my entire life just revolves around other people and whether they still love me, and without them I can't cope or live, even when I thought i'd grown out of this

this has all just been re traumatizing too because I lost my best friend in a similar way six years ago (have not had a ~best friend~ since) and both of these people are the only two people I've ever met that inspired hope in me, made me want to love and grow and just stay alive for something better (the future with them!) period. I just cant even put into words how bad it is with bpd. you don't just lose the person or the relationship. you lose everything. you lose yourself your life your patience your self compassion your will to keep going your hope your joy. everything. this illness just takes everything from me over and over

ok now that I'm bout to throw up sorry if u read this I just needed 2 get it out in a fashion that isn't directly talking to anyone (because I don't have anyone LOLLLL) okbye

[hershelchocolate]

(Very Brief) Mass Propaganda Post For @doomed-bythe-narrative !!!!!

1. Akane Kurashiki (Zero Escape)

I am campaigning for her the hardest rn because yall she is going to lose this poll

Why is she doomed?: the narrative exists BECAUSE she is doomed. There is no narrative without her being doomed to suffer within it. Also, from what I've heard, she's ALSO doomed in the two other games in the series she's in!!! She CANNOT exist in this world without being doomed by the narrative no matter what you do to prevent it. She makes my brain explode

2. Mordred (High Noon Over Camelot)

The winner of the Mechs Poorest Little Meow Meow bracket :)

Why is he doomed?: He's a main character in a Mechs album. More specifically, the context of every Mechs album is that the band watched the stories happen and are now conveying that information to you through the albums. His story was over before it ever started, and his story is destined to crush his morals and leave him sad and alone as he dooms his entire world to burn. There was no avoiding this the second the Mechs started singing.

3. Lyfrassir Edda (The Bifrost Incident)

MY POOR LITTLE MEOW MEOWWWWW BABY YOU ARE MY ANGELLL

Why are they doomed?: They're a main character in a Mechs album. Okay but for real, their story was decided for them 80 years before the story even fucking starts. They're doomed from the second they start speaking and the only thing they can do in the narrative is learn just how fucked everything is about to get with absolutely no way to prevent it. Someone please help them

4. Ganondorf (Wind Waker)

That's my grandpa :)

Why is he doomed?: Ganon in every Zelda game is doomed to become the antagonist no matter what he does simply because that is the nature of the cycle they're all trapped in. Wind Waker Ganon feels (in my experience and the games I've played) the most regretful of how this cycle has ended up. He's tired, but he's not going to stop now. He knows his destiny is to die at the hero's hands, and he's going to fulfill it. But he's also not going down without a fight (though can you really say he's trying compared to some of the other Ganon fights in the series? He's almost easier than the boss gauntlet you do to get to him. He's so tired)

5. Porygon Evolution Line (Pokemon)

Why is it doomed?: because my bestie said so <3 and ey said so SO MUCH and ey are SO CORRECT, it was literally shadowbanned from Real Life for being in an episode of the anime with no warning for flashing lights, except it wasn't even Porygon that caused it. Literally got doomed from real life because of something it didn't do

6. Eden (In A Manor Of Speaking)

This one is a silly funny c: that's my besties OC everyone vote for her right now or I'll cry /j

[wolvisms]

okay so the essay has (obviously) been completed and submitted but apparently i’ve lost the ability to write anything fictional and i’m really upset about it

also. cannot wait to finish this stupid essay (it’s due tomorrow and i still have yet to start it💅🏽) and actually try to start writing fics and stuff. i’ve missed writing sooooo much

[troglobite]

re: abandoning idea that you're special

currently trying to deal w this bc it was all so mundane.

but the way i've been treated…like it hurts MORE if i accept that the reason ppl treated me that way is just bc they're boring and mean, and i was a convenient target.

it hurts MORE if there's nothing for me to change abt myself and try and learn that way. it hurts MORE if my pain therefore doesn't matter to anyone.

like my therapist keeps saying this shit is PROTECTIVE, it's not just punishing myself, it's protecting myself from a reality that hurts worse and makes me mean less.

it doesn't HAVE to, but it's not easy or simple and it doesn't make me feel better, and given everything else going on i'm sort of just too tired rn to fully come to grips w this.

i don't think i'm special in a positive or negative way, just unique in a stupid way.

it's also really hard to accept if i have never met a single person w the same experience as me that makes me feel the most pathetic.

like not identical but there are a few things where i'm like, okay even ppl who say they relate still had xyz and i didn't. not trying to nitpick or be special, but it makes me feel worse when someone in THEORY is like I Get It! and then they v much don't in a way that makes me look more pathetic

here i'll be specific:

d/von pr/ce also just posted abt this

there was a lesbian who msged them and said early 20s, haven't ever been kissed, on a date, no one has expressed interest, what should they do? what's going on? is it just bc they've missed the flirting bc they're autistic?

and the response was stop being self-obsessed and pay attn to other ppl then pursue ppl and ask for what you want, don't be passive in your own experience of attraction, etc.

and i can't speak for that person, but

why would i ever do that when i have spent my entire life being ridiculed for existing and other ppl have thought it was a JOKE when i found someone attractive

like

idk abt that person, but for me it is very much not me being a PASSIVE PERSON or NOT PAYING ATTENTION to what i like or find interesting abt others

i am not self-obsessed (in the Make People Like Me way) to the point that i don't pay attention at all

piloting in conversations AT ALL is VERY DIFFICULT, and that INCLUDES just trying to learn abt someone

i'm just tired and angry. nothing i do has a good outcome. with people.

and it's not--my passivity or obsession w Being Likable (which arguably i have deliberately failed at multiple times in my life) that made me lonely or confused.

it was the hatred and bigotry of other people

and these two forces are always at war in my head

"stop telling me everything wrong w me and my life is my fault. it's not. stop acting like me taking a ~simple~ action will fix it, it won't. i'm trying my best and right now i'm so tired i'm just conserving energy and trying to even mentally and emotionally think abt and process everything that i haven't bothered REALLY thinking abt before."

and then also

"there must be something fucking wrong w me for so many ppl to so casually and mundanely HATE me. i must be bad at conversations. at people. i must be annoying. i must be doing something wrong. if i could just figure out what."

and then the advice is always

unmask!

stop worrying abt that!

take an active interest in people!

as if being unmasked and trying to be interested in people hasn't been LITERALLY THE INCITING INCIDENT FOR SO MUCH OF MY, again, very boring and mundane abuse.

so no, reaching out and taking an interest in people and asking for what i want isn't going to go well. it's also a pandemic and I CANNOT LEAVE THE FUCKING HOUSE so my options are LIMITED.

and no, unmasking is incredibly painful with very limited benefits.

i am a very precarious point in my life, and i can't imagine being MORE VISIBLY DISABLED is going to help me AT ALL.

and no, abandoning this idea that i'm "special" is not helpful and not possible at this moment.

that lesbian that reached out to DP is younger than me, and that is still the closest i've ever come to someone ACTUALLY relating to me on that front.

i have never been on a date. i am almost 29 years old. people consider that a RED FLAG abt me.

everything i listen to has ppl expressing surprised or amusement if someone hasn't had sex by a certain age, or kissed by a certain age.

or ppl saying "it's fine if you're a late bloomer lesbian, in my experience most of us don't care if it's you're first time with a woman"

how about first time, PERIOD? how about first relationship, PERIOD?

it's just this whole part of life that i've never been a part of and i WANT.

i was interested in boys in school. i DID pursue them. in the classically awkward but not overly creepy (as far as i can remember) way of young preteens and teens.

and it was never received well. it never went well.

i'm just tired.

i don't want platitudes "oh life will be better if you do xyz" or "tons of ppl share that experience, it isn't unique"

i want an actual person w the same experience to look me in the eye and say "yeah that happened to me, too. it was awful."

i pay so much attention to other people that i have fun fancy little categories for them all in my head. not in a mean or limiting way, but where i get to see them grouped w other ppl and i can see Patterns in humanity--what i've seen of humanity.

i think abt my friends & other ppl & their lives and appearances and experiences and what i like abt them or just thinking abt them and taking them in.

yes i pay attn to making myself as inoffensive as possible--but based on what i know abt those ppl. i couldn't do what i do if i wasn't paying attention to other ppl in a very close and important way. all i do is think abt and anticipate how others might feel. i try to be considerate. i try to frame my language in a way that's helpful or clear to them. i don't want to hurt them or show that i misunderstood them if i did--i want to make sure i understand them as much as i can.

conflict is a part of life, and in theory it's fine--the problem is that even productive conflict rarely ever goes well for me. even if i want to address it. even if i try and handle it REALLY well.

i'm just tired of responses that flatten out the REASONS why things go poorly, the REASONS these are the protective strategies and masking i've had to learn.

my "problem" is that i don't care if it hurts me. and that no one cares abt my hurt.

but i've had to pay close attention to others my whole life. i've had to do things to make life survivable. and i don't even have it that bad.

i'm in this stupid grey area where it's not that bad so i should just get over it.

then i get yelled at for comparing myself to others, when it's all i've been taught to do.

everything i do is wrong and my fault and i'm tired.

[shinigxmi-muses]

[ I was intending to get back to replies ASAP, but apparently I have to take a small break and do a PSA, all in one. I just. Can't believe this happened twice in a single year; only a few months apart...

For those who don't want to be involved in any drama/not wanting to bother reading it- (No judgement; I wholly understand.)

TL;DR: I tend to keep my private life and RPC blog content separate, these days. Unless I want to give a heads up, I'm really moving away from the life-update kinda stuff... However, it is something entirely different when you bring your personal beliefs of other peoples' lives onto my dashboard. ESPECIALLY which applies to me.

I will unfollow. I will block. This is my space to relax and have fun. Have your opinions all you like; I intend to care for my own mental health. ]

Okay, with that out of the way... Context. (But kept in vague terms, as I've already unfollowed + blocked what caused me stress today. If you know, cool, but. I'm not "calling anyone out" or what have you. Just saying "this is how I feel, I'm not arguing it, we'll be moving on after this.")

For the SECOND time this year, I've had to find out a mutual has anti-polyamory sentiments. And I get it. Some people have bad experiences with it or know someone else who did. Maybe you just personally don't agree with it. You're monogamous, intend to stay that way, don't care. Whatever it is, I don't have problems with that.

I have problems when it's on my fucking dashboard. I have problems when there's lies being spread that it only could ever be harmful and/or abusive in nature. That it "ruins" relationships and puts children through pain. I also have EXTRA problems when someone can't even own up to having anti-polyamory views, and deletes the posts after making them. (I'm salty over this, yes. Let me have my moment.)

If not obvious already, I am polyam, and so is my partner. We're a duo rn, and not really looking to change that...but open, as we've ever been. I know my limits; I'm probably down for a third, and then no more. Aside from that, I crush wildly, and my boyfriend supports it and teases me about it. (I also do the same to him, LMAO.)

Again, it may not be for everyone. But it's taught me to communicate better. I've learned more about myself. Any relationship failings have never been on polyamory itself; just that we weren't ready or it was the wrong time, like any other relationship.

BUT!!! And this is my major thing... If you don't like it, cool. I don't care; put it on MY dashboard, however, and that's where we have problems. I once again state: I am NOT here to indulge in daily news. To post my opinions. To share my life. If I want to, I have separate sideblogs for that. All connected to my main, away from my Fun Place.

It stressed me out, to start. Totally blindsided me, and I felt like shit. Now? If not yet obvious: I'm pissed. I'm one of those people where I am just as polyam as I am nonbinary or demisexual: that is unarguably me. I've always been this way, but was given words for it from one of my partners. I'm happy this way.

Anyways. Final note/thoughts: Again, believe whatever makes you happy. Live your life and your truths. But I will block if more of this shit ends up in my sphere. I'm not having it.

Oh, and feel free to block me if you disagree, as well. Sucks to lose people over personal matters, but I'm sick and tired of having MY nice things trampled over by other people.

[emeraldbabygirl]

I’ve drunken like 6?? cups of coffee in the past 13 hours and the last hour I decided it was a good idea to watch some xdinary heroes and I don’t know if my reactions were genuine or affected by all the coffee cause if I drink a lot I get all shaky and shit but um literally hi I’m so sorry I can’t use emojis cause I’m on my computer but “as our lord and savior Mickey Mouse would say, that shit was bussin on god on god. They prepped, they cooked, they served, they ate it up and left no crumbs, they licked their plates clean and then they did the dishes and put them away girlies WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING. 

I can say it again ok so in Strawberry cake I spy with my little eye and FUCKING SKIRT THAT’S “A SLAY” AS THE KIDS THESE DAYS SAY. The power this group has musically is crazy, it’s “beyond periodT” I’m in awe, I’m screaming, crying, shaking, rolling on the floor, throwing up (obvi not rn cause I already did that) I’m so beyond impressed with these kiddos I’m not like super into all these new groups as much as maybe I thought I would be and I do love the bands and things but I wasn’t going to pay attention to these kids cause I was so tired of the groups that I already listen to and I just didn’t think I’d have the energy to keep up with more but I’m so like beyond describing and processing words in my brain? Like idk it’s beyond incredible like JUNGSU his opening lines in Happy Death Day caught me off guard and I couldn’t believe what he was doing with his voice and then in Strawberry cake Mr. Joo’s first set of lines I’m still not processing how he did that with his voice and maybe I’m overexaggerating but I’ve never heard that sound from any vocalist I had no idea he could do that it’s sick hands down and the bass in that song IS FUCKING SICK I LOVE IT and bro. 

Ok so X-Mas is insane the same thing with the vocals like whateva Idk how they do it, Mr. Joo and Gaon are insane the way their vocals and lines hit perfectly it was such a new sound I’ve never heard in my entire life I’m diggin the rock elements. I’ve seen the live clips of Pirate and Tomboy and Hellavator it’s insane and very emotional they have a good sound and it’s getting better and idk how they are topping themselves for each comeback Haircut was an oddly great song and the vibe these kids have rn and band versions of song def hit different obvi y’all know how I feel about It’s Live but the way they executed Tomboy idk man and idk how but Jungsu’s vocals, the feeling he has??? the way he..okay shut up he covered Woojin’s lines in Hellavator I know damn well he did cause it immediately clicked as I zoned in on Woojin when that song came out okay I ain’t censoring shit he covered Woojin’s lines and this kid pulled at my heartstrings he sounded so much like Woojin to me it’s insane say what you want I do not give a dying mooseseses’s last shit Jungsu has amazing vocals, him and Mr. Joo have range I bet they can do all kinds of tricks with their singing skills it’s so cool to hear and watch they way these guys are just doing what they do.

Anyway don’t hate, don’t eat my ass over this okay anyway the styling for the Haircut era is elite, it is key, it is a moment, it is iconic, a slay whatever the fuck you wanna call it I’m obsessed. I’m obsessed with Gaon and his hair that matches with Mr. Joo and obsessed with the fits and the FUCKING HAIR HORN I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE HOW BADASS THEY ALL LOOK WITH THEIR FUNKY DEVIL HORNS THE BARBER SHOP FITS, THE BLACK LEATHER TRENCHES THE SKIRTS THE STYLIST DESERVES RAISES, COOKIES, EXPENSIVE DINNERS AND TO BE SUNG A LULLABY AND TUCKED IN AND KISSED ON THE FOREHEAD GOODNIGHT I DO NOT CARE if I am being over dramatic or whatever I am OBESSESSED WITH WHAT THEY DID TO MR. JOO’S HAIR IN THE HAIR AND X-MAS MV I THINK HE LOOKS VERY GOOD AND STUNNING JUST STANDS OUT maybe it’s cause I love and appreciate a man with locks AND BY LOCKS IM TALKIN BOUT HIS HAIR OK HIS FLOWING GORGEOUS HAIR DO NOT TWIST MY WORDS I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL SCREAM. I DO NOT MEAN DREADLOCKS. Not me getting mad gag me with a spoon. Men who grow their hair out and take good care of it and aren’t afraid to have braids in it and ribbons and clips and cute trinkets like what Mr. Joo has is a mother beautiful thing and I respect and appreciate that I’m so angy now. He looks good I love what he’s doing with his hair and love that the stylists aren’t cutting it or doing anything to distract or take away from his complete look and style I think everything they are doing with his hair as far as style, color and accessories only compliments his looks/features and makes him quite the attractive lad AND NO WHEN I SAY ATTRACTIVE IN THIS CONTEXT IT IS 100% INNOCENT AND A COMPLIMENT. WHY DO I HAVE TO EXPLAIN EVERY FUCKING THING. Also I think the braids that O.de?? is showing off look great it’s funky and reminds me of Mingi in his Pirate King era. I very much miss Junhan’s floofy hair.

I’m hoping to see some different colors and styling techniques on Mr. Joo before they chop his hair off. I’ve seen so many colors and cute hairstlyes and accessories that I would love to see him demonstrate I think he would pull it off. BUT I DON’T WANT TO SEE LICORICE HAIR ON HIM I WILL VOMIT JYP PLEASE DO NOT AYNO HIM. Kiddo’s got beautiful hair please don’t ruin his life with some stupid dye job or shave his head I want no George the egg I want no neon green mullet I want no bald Jooyeon at the age of 25 with permanent green or grey hair because you bleach the hell out of his head. I want no Changmin Triangle hair either it only looked good on Changmin. I’m sorry. 

Anyway gag me with a spoon, Junhan’s solo in Hellavator. I’m tired. TL:DR Xdinary Heroes is doin some cool stuff and it’s fun to hear how versatile they are. Def looking forward to future songs I def think these kiddos are going places and since they are a band it’s just really nice to hear rock vibes some bands have like the “k-rock” specific sound which is fine, wouldn’t be opposed to a full metal album lol jk that would make their throats bleed. AND I KNOW PEOPLE AND GROUPS ARE PROBABLY SO TIRED OF THIS TREND BUT would love to hear them cover at least one Queen song that isn’t Bohemian Rhapsody. BUT NOT FAT BOTTOMED GIRL I’M SORRY THAT SONG IS JUST NOT MADE FOR THEM IT’S TOO PERF. Kiss has some songs that are bangers that would be cool to see covered by these guys also maybe David Bowie. HEAR ME OUT. TWISTED SISTER. We’re not gonna take it is the perfect song for Mr. Joo we’ve gotten a little taste of some unexpected scream vocals. HELENA WOULD MAKE ME CRY PLEASE. 

THE SCORPIANS. ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICAINE. I know. I know it’s a lot, omg not me writing a list of songs I want them to cover sksskksks I just think they can experiment and pull a lot of songs off ya’know I think they would eat it up and poop it out and it would go back into the environment and help with the ecosystem, really restore and help heal the ozone, help save the polar ice caps, restore our natural forest and solve the water pollution problems, solve world hunger, save endangered species. stop wars and bring peace to our planet that we call home affectionately as they should, bring back the salmon and help keep wildlife and ocean creates safe, cut down on fossils fuels help improve science and technology everyone can love each other and get along and share and give back to the Mother and I wish I could bake a cake out of happiness and everyone would eat it an be happy. 

I am so sorry I didn’t mean to write an entire fUCKING ESSAY. It’s the coffee. These kids are cool and I appreciate and respect what they are bringing to the table as long as it’s not a green bean casserole okay I’m done now :)

[modernbutch]

AAAAAGGGHHHHHH

Okay I know this is generally not a healthy way to think but I would be like a Genuinely Happy person if I were not having health issues rn. Like. Yeah I miss college and have a job I don’t really like or whatever but I’ll be back to school in less than 3 months and I’ll have a bit of money. I have great friends and a girlfriend who I am in love with. It’s summer and I like the weather. I have generally good relationships with my family members. I have things that I like to do.

But then I wake up every day and I’m scared to eat and I’m so fucking tired and my whole body just feels so bad like when will it fucking end man. Like I’m starting to get really scared. Shit is getting kind of scary. I know this won’t last forever and I keep reminding myself that and it’s definitely helping me keep going at least but I have no idea how to be happy right now when I’m in this condition. And how miserable I am now and how miserable I’m going to be as I keep looking for an answer is sure to have consequences. This shit is just sucking every last drop of joy from my life I’m so tired and there’s not a single person in the world I can talk to. I’ve never felt this alone in my entire life

[yourl0cal1ncorporealb3ing]

TW VENT AT SOME PARTS

(ALSO NONE OF THIS PROOF READ SO IT MAY NOT BE LEGIABLE I just wroet this and i already forgot half the stuff i wrote)

y'know the mix of horrid chronic fatigue and insatiable numbness and the dissociation just makes me feel like I missing out on life, I yearn to go outside, to go play, to have fun, just run around but I cant. I sit in my room on tumblr or youtube wasting the day away wishing I did something more productive. I feel like a husk of person I feel like Im in a movie theater alone watching the most boring movie ive ever seen, I feel lonely while also being too socially drained to watch and respond the the video my friend sent me. Not to mention when my parents used to fight, my moms road rage/anger issues, it caused me to fucking terrifed of conflict so sometimes I minimize my needs when around other people and constantly asking about things and if im doing it right but also worrying if im annoying them with all my questions because my grandma has gotton mad at me for that before i think either that or it was me asking why she loved my cousin more than me because she yelled and fought with my dad because i wouldnt give my cousin my fukcing chicken nuggets my dad bought for me like fuck you i mean im sorry grandma

The anxiety and hyperactivity of my ADHD spikes up at night so either i got to sleep and wake up in 13 hours or I can stay up till 4am, go to sleep and wake 13 hours (Just feeling a lot worse). Im literally shaking as I write this and i can tell if im just so fucking restless even if im fucking tired (its 3:38am) or anxiety or the entire kiwi strawberry monster I just drank Its ok im drinking water a lot of it i just need to get my thoughts out of my head because its like a thousond of the dvd bouncing tv screen in my head rn idk if its getting better idk if im gonna post this too maybe idk any ways im shaking oh btw i might have non-diabetic hypoglycemia and i have to get a bunch shots next week and I really hate the doctors it always makes me really scared and uncomfy n shit and idk why damn im shaking a lot. I almost freaked out bc i cant find my charger and my tablet almost died but i have another one ive been using so i just used that but i want to know where my charger went :(

istg ive been eating fucking pasta for the lat 3 weeks and i hate it i hate it i hate it HATE it every. fucking. meal. I cant. I have comfort foods I like and its mostly carby food like pasta so i eat pasta alot but since our oven stopped workin its all i know i can make that easy and i laike it but i secretly dread it so i have been eating a lot of candy to keep my brain happy but im not i should be happy ive been hanging with my frinds and its summr break but im just numb, i always am, yk the year I just finished? yeah for the majority of the i was fighting autopilot mode and disassociation but i was constantly in it i dont think i cant handle going to high school this year i think i might act pass out from exhaustion I barely survived middle school Im not okay i need something meds? idk I should not be this messed up i mean my family is great (yk...apart from the fighting which isnt that common anymore and moms anger issues) but theu love me so whats the problem? school school why is it so unoccomidating to neurodivergents same with ppl with social anxiety like i have had MULTIPLE bad panic attcks in class cause i had to do smthin in front of the class I fukcing hate the school system fuckfukcufkyoiuu school fuck the emercian school system FUCKYOUUUUUUUUU

Im too conflict avoident I cant

the afternoon feels so tiring in a stuffy way if that maks and sense i need to treat my FUCKING adhd already i can have music playing at all times thats not a good long term strategy to shut up my brain i mean ffuck i have music on rn and you can see my insane ramblings

anyyways I kinda think im a daave fiction kin (like DSAF) but im 90% sure im just and otherlinker and I just want to feel speacial or some shit but whos know i have the worst imposter syndrome known to man (I have almost every symptom of Cfs and my friend has asked if i have it but nahhh i defs dont) but also i had a weird experience once. I was like listen (its getting hard to type with the shakiness :0) ing to 2 dave and henry playlists and i kept listening to the henry one and I was in the car and i was falling and out of sleep when i saw like flash of dave but it didnt look like cannon dave he looked different he was mush more blue and he was leaning against a wall with messy longish hair and he had a hat and scars all over him and he had a purple buttoned shit that was fulled buttoned up and the perspective i saw was like a photo someone had taken and he seemed just chilling perhaps talking to jack? idfk but yeah theres my weird experience like the best way i can explain this feeling towards dave is "Idkk if i was you but probably mightve at some point like most likely at some point"

i hope i sound legiable (if i do post this AND someone actually reads this all) it is 4:08am and I feel too many things once i probably will sleep at 5 or 6 anyways byebye

[misshappilyfading]

a long, totally non-psychotic, mini(?) rant about the beatles that's too long and embarrassing for twt

okay so i've recently come out of a SECOND months-long stint of...kim heechul/suju stuff and it's left me kinda...lacking something to fixate on. so rn my temp fix is...the beatles?? and like i've liked their music since i was a little kid, but i haven't had an extended phase of listening to their music since like..10th grade? so this is kinda weird and embarrassing to me but whatever, here are some of my favorite songs by them and why in no particular order!

twist and shout - highlight here besides the gen early 60s feel and 100% john's vocals. there's something really refreshing(?) and youthful about the way he yells the entire song. and ofc the "woooo"s + head shakes are so cute

she loves you - yeah yeah yeah

paperback writer - idk it's a classic

day tripper - idk it's a classic + the fucking GUITAR RIFF

can't buy me love - idk it's a classic. earworm

a hard day's night - idk IT'S A CLASSIC

i feel fine - the pep. the harmonies. im in love with her and i feel fine

eight days a week - sweet song. makes you feel good

i'm a loser - that first harmony just snatches you in. idc. i get it i love it

help! - the 2nd song i consciously knew was by the beatles and i liked it loads more than "i wanna hold your haaaaaaand". i like the bridge the most

yellow submarine - it's in my range and probably by 2nd favorite ringo song? and it's silly

taxman - shit slaps. one of my fav harrison songs. "yeaaaaahhhh the taxmaaaan" is up there for me

here, there, and everywhere - i cried. hard. twice. i tear up thinking about this song. idk how you can go through life normally knowing paul mccartney wrote this about you

i'm only sleeping - hear this for the first time recently and it reminded me of sleeping sun by coldplay and some popular US songs from the 90s...

good day sunshine - lol another i heard in a CM at some point but did not know it was the beatles...it's happy i like it

and your bird can sing - but you don't get me. but you don't get. meeeeee. i can't believe john hate this?? it's so good??? the fucking guitars like???

hello, goodbye - first heard this in the 2007 target commercial. loved it ever since. i really like all of it but the "she says why and i say i don't know" and "why why whywhywhywhy do you say goodbye goodbyeeeeeebyebyebyebye" are stand out parts to me!

back in the ussr - fun : )

glass onion - that fucking recorder towards the end. amazing

blackbird - one of those songs you hear so randomly just..around that you forget/don't know it's the beatles

while my guitar gently weeps - liked this one as a kid when i was feeling emo lololol. good song though : )

[faves from rubber soul, sgt pepper's, and abbey road get their own section (bc these are the only albums i've listened to all the way through...)]

songs that i don't really like but are meaningful in some way

i want to hold your hand - probably the first beatles song i ever heard? or at least consciously knew was by the beatles. bc my kindergarten music teacher made us learn the lyrics and sing it in class

eleanor rigby - ik this is a popular song but the first time i heard it was when my 3rd grade teacher played it backwards to show us how the beatles were connected to the illuminati and devil worship so. i still feel uneasy whenever i hear it. can't sit through the whole song :(

do you want to know a secret - okay i actually don't dislike this song, it's just that i listened to it so much during like 8th/9th grade that im tired of hearing it. still a good song though

yesterday - again it's not that i hate it or anything but lol it's overplayed. meaningful bc it's one of those songs you know at least a few words to even if you haven't heard the whole thing (which i have. too many times.)

all you need is love - not bad but a commercial song in my mind

i am the walrus - scared me as a child but i don't hate it now. coo-coo-kachoo

strawberry fields forever - scared me as a child but i don't hate it now

happiness is a warm gun - super mixed feelings. is it about heroin? sex with yoko ono? are one of those options actually better than the other??? but i fuck with the ending "happinessssss bang bang shoog shoog"

get back/don't let me know/let it be - mixed feelings so i have to be in a specific mood to listen to these

rubber soul (favorites in bold)

drive my car - not my favorite but i loooove the "beep beep beep beep yeah"

norwegian wood - one of the one's i did not listen to as child but as of literally yesterday, i love it. wish it were not inspired by affairs but. like damn the sitar. the general vibes. isn't it good? norwegian wood

you won't see me - i like it. for years i had only heard the chorus so the actual song was a bit different than i'd expected but it's good. "you refuse to even listeeeeen" i like. also the gradual tempo shift!! oooooooo lalala

nowhere man - WOW. okay so when i was little and heard a snippet of the chorus, i had 0 interest in listening to the full song. yesterday, though, that fucking intro caught me so off guard. the slight beachy vibes. paul calling this an "anti-john song" like wow. it's just a 10/10 laaaaaaaalalalalala

think for yourself - rock band trailers fucked this up for me a bit bc i always expect it to lead into the wait chorus. the actual chorus fucks though. i like it

the word - she's silly. she's 60s. she's pop. not my favorite, but those harmonies on "so fine" and "sunshine". man

michelle - loved this since i was 10. it's calming, it fucks. i don't fuck with french but. "until i do im hoping you will know what i mean" and "I LOVE YOUUUUUU" and the guitar solo. the fucking tempo shift

what goes on - ...country. hear fairly often as a kid though but didn't know it was beatles

girl - another one i had no interest in (and was slightly scared of) as a kid based on the chorus but oof. love the comparison between this and michelle. we live for europeans being european in different flavors. also this songs feels like drugs. could be hallucinating but it feels like there's a sliiiight tempo shift here too? or at least it feels like it slows juuuust a bit

i'm looking through you - arguably my favorite beatles song as a child. had me in a chokehold in 2009. "why why tell me why did you not treat me right?" "your lips are moving i cannot heard your voice is soothing but the words aren't clear"

in my life - much much more appreciated now that im older. didn't listen to this much when i was little but i've always always loved the riff and ending. maybe one of my favorite song endings ever

wait - something is kinda catchy about it. idk

if i needed someone - 60s feel. the harmonies are so nice. this is like an honorable mention for me

run for your life - ah nothing like references to violence against women to bring out that 60s feeling : ) shame the chorus is so catchy

sgt. pepper's lonely hearts club band

splhcb - yes. billyyyyyyyy shearsssssssssss

with a little help from my friends - YES. probably my favorite ringo song "do you neeeeeeeed anybody?"

lsd - not my favorite. drugs are bad. however i listened to this once when i was extremely drunk (i don't do any other drugs so) and i kinda got it? still not my favorite though

getting better - ah nothing like reference to violence against women to bring out that 60s feeling : ) paul is cute "me hiding me head in the sand" i really like this song but jesus john. i just it's better to admit and ask for forgiveness but. lord. but yeah this is a song that like...jabs you musically from the outset

fixing a hole - actually obsessed. this slaps, it fucks, it calms you down, hypes you up. im right where i belonggggg. that fucking guitar solo

she's leaving home - had only heard a bit of the chorus as a kid. was NOT expecting the entire song to sound how it does. cried on one listen. very beautiful

being for the benefit of mr. kite - the thing i like the most about this is the title

within you within out - ummm couldn't make it through the whole thing. christian upbringing means it gives me hives a little

when i'm sixty four - i liked it as a kid, i like it now. i will always be a supporter of paul's granny shit. it's cute. honorable mention for me

lovely rita - words cannot express how much i like this song. i liked it as a kid, i LOVE it now. the harmonies on "MAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDDDDDD aaaaaahhhhhhhh" also paul sound so british the entire time. "luvely rita mitah maid" "little white buke" "made her luke a little like a militry man" "may i inquire discRReetly when are you free to take some tea with MEEEE" it's a time. it's cute, a bit silly, and at the end you get sex! the bassline, the piano, the mouth chkchckchk, the fucking kazoo, i love it. Rita!

good morning good morning - another song i swear i've heard a bit of in a commercial or radio but i can't remember when/where. kinda makes me sad that john ended up not liking it, cause i like it. i get it. plus it sounds like morning.

splhcb reprise - i love it

a day in the life - scared me as a child but even then it kept it's alluring quality to me. not my absolute favorite, but i understand why some ppl regard it to be their best song

abbey road

come together - idk what to say. this is iconic music

something - heard for the first time yesterday and WOW. again idk what to say. shit is GOOD. song that makes you shut up

maxwell's silver hammer - ...i've loved this since 2009. and recording began on my birthday so it's always felt kinda special to me. ik she has haters but im glad paul made it. i live on corn. but also putting this right after something was a set up mayhaps

oh! darling - this FUCKS. don't think i have to say anything else. used to scare me a bit as a kid but i still listened

octopus's garden - def heard as a kid pre-2009 but idk where. not my fav but feels nostalgic

i want you (she's so heavy) - hm...i appreciate this as a piece of music although it's not my personal favorite. like i can its importance to the genre while still skipping. the outro is fucking insane though. and the scream

here comes the sun - do i even have to say anything? beyond "thank you parent trap soundtrack" probably the 3rd beatles song i'd ever heard

because - not a favorite but i like it

medley - you never give me your money will ALWAYS take me back to summer 2019 where i saw the opening lyrics as a metaphor for my own financial issues and depression. wild shit. sun king is like a peak 7pm summer song. love it. another song that makes you shut up. mean mr. mustard and polythene pam i've always loved since i was 10. they're fun to me. the bassline in mmm fucks hard. yeahhhh yeah yeah. in she came in through the bathroom window i like "sunday's on the phone to monday. tuesday's on the phone to me". golden slumbers i like less but i like the quiet parts and how it leads into carry that weight. one of the few times i want paul to not yell. carry that weight feels like the ending of a movie + the link back to yngmym. then you get to the end. which is just. wow. how many other groups can say they've ended their career on something like that? paul yelling, the solos, "love you love you"

and in the end, the love you take

is equal to the love you make.

(jk ik her majesty's a pretty nice girl. i also view this more as an easter egg but i do like it for a personal reason)